Original subtitles

[funky bass line]

♪ ♪

- Hey, guys. How are things going?

Come on, sit down.

- Class, we are in for a real treat today.

Our guest speaker is not only someone who is a student

at this very school,

but he is a very accomplished stand-up comedian.

He's also the first Black head writer

of "Saturday Night Live" and the first Black anchor

of the storied "Weekend Update" segment.

And he single-handedly saved the HBO Max streaming service

with his wildly successful show.

Please give a warm School of the Arts welcome

to Michael Che!

[applause]

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

- School of the Arts. It's so great to be here.

Thank you. You're so kind.

Oh, you should clap harder.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

- It is a thrill for us to have you, Michael.

- Hmm, that's very interesting.

And it was the actor Omari Hardwick instead?

- No, it was still me; I just looked exactly

like Omari Hardwick for some reason.

It's weird, right?

- Not necessarily.

A lot of times in dreams,

people appear as other people.

- But why Omari Hardwick? I mean, we barely look alike.

- You look nothing alike.

- I wouldn't say nothing alike.

- I would definitely say nothing alike.

It's two different faces and bodies.

- Okay.

- Any more questions for Michael Che?

- Mia. - Hi, Mr. Che.

First of all, I'm a huge fan of "Weekend Update."

- Oh, thank you.

You know, most people don't like it.

- I have a two-part question.

The first part is, do you ever feel

an added pressure as a Black man in these current times

to use your voice and your platform

to help empower other Black people?

And also-- - No.

- No?

- No, I don't feel like that.

Ever. - Oh.

Okay, then that's my only question,

I guess. - Thanks.

- All right.

Anybody else? Anybody?

[spacey guitar music building]

♪ ♪

[pensive bass line]

- ♪ No matter how hard you try ♪

♪ You can't stop me now ♪

- Having a job that a lot of Black people

in your neighborhood or Black people

in your background don't have,

they always wanna know more about that job

and what are the fucking secrets.

And there's always a reason that you're succeeding

and other people haven't succeeded.

And it's never...

- Hard work. - Good.

- Yeah, it's never hard work

and dedication.

It's always some foul shit

that you probably did... - Mm-hmm.

- That they're not willing to do.

"Oh, yeah, I bet you did get that promotion."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I almost don't wanna tell people good news

because I don't want them to think

I did something terrible to get it.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

I have one rose left,

but there's two of you standing here,

which means that one of you will be safe

and the other one will have to die

in a blood sacrifice for my Hollywood career.

Give me the knife.

- I can't watch this.

- Aunt Gladys, your kisses are always wet,

and every time you hug me, you leave makeup on my shirt.

But you always have candy in church.

I appreciate that.

- I know my baby loves his sweets.

- That, I do. - Here.

Have some titty candy.

- Ah! Toblerone?

- Don't you tell your mama I gave that to you.

- Yes, ma'am.

Uncle Dennis...

you take your shoes off at the house

and you make the whole place smell like corn chips.

It's funky.

And then you laugh too hard at your own jokes

before you get to the punch line.

- Yeah. [laughs] - I'm sorry, son,

but why is it one of your family has to die

so's as you can be in a movie?

- That's just how it works for Black entertainers.

- Whatever happened to just working hard

and earning success?

- I tried that for, like, a year.

It's impossible. - You can tell better jokes.

- No, I can't.

- I know, why don't you just

leave show business altogether and try something new?

- I mean, I can, but then I'd be poor again

and have to live with one of y'all.

[all murmuring] - He ain't staying with me.

- Exactly, look, let me just sacrifice one of y'all.

I'll get a sitcom, and we'll be fine.

- I guess the family could spare one nigga

for your dreams. - Thank you.

- Hold on.

But I'm not even your real aunt.

- Gladys! - Me and your mama,

we just grew up in the same building.

We not related.

- What? - No, it's true.

Me and Gladys, we just play cousins.

- Oh, well, that just made my decision a lot easier.

- Yes! - Oh, this is some bullshit.

- Wait.

Easier in which direction?

♪ ♪

- Wait, I'm so confused.

- See, there's this theory in a Black community

that in order to be really famous,

you gotta sacrifice a family member.

- What? Is it true?

- I don't know, I'm not really famous,

but I do know that whenever

a major Black celebrity loses a loved one,

we assume it was a blood sacrifice.

- That's seems really insensitive.

- It is. - So then why do you do it?

- I don't know, nigga, it's fun.

[all arguing]

[cell phone ringing and buzzing]

Hello?

Yeah, this is he.

Ah, that's great.

Of course I'd do that.

No, yeah, my family's here. I can tell 'em right now.

This is awesome.

All right, thank you.

No, thank you.

Okay.

All right, I love you too.

Okay, bye.

- Was that Hollywood? - Yeah.

Ma, you're not gonna believe this,

but they're doing another "Toy Story,"

and they want me to play a voodoo doll.

- That's awesome! - Yeah.

- Oh, I'm so proud of you!

- Hey, nephew, you know why you always

gotta keep a broom on your boat, right?

- No, why? - [laughs]

'Cause that's how you--

[laughing]

- All right, hey, yeah, no, I got it.

Look, the only problem is, this new role,

it's gonna cost me another family member.

- Oh?

- Yeah, and they said it has to be

a young one this time, so...

♪ ♪

Ah.

- You know, luckily, my niece was pregnant at the time,

and so, you know, two birds, one stone.

I ended up voicing the character

of Coco Shando in the short-lived

Disney+ spin-off of "Toy Story."

- [laughs] That's a funny story.

- It's all totally true.

- All right, who's got another question?

- Yeah, I got a question for you.

You ever do some gay shit for a role?

[laughter]

- Knock it off, guys. This is a guest.

- My brother told me that Hollywood

only allows Black men to succeed

if they're willing to do something gay.

Did you do that? - Hey, that's enough.

- No, it's-- - I am so sorry about that.

- No, it's--it's fine.

As a Black man, I get this question all the time,

and the answer is that really,

it depends on what you consider gay.

- Wha-- - Like, I was at a party,

and an executive put his dick in a bowl of ice cream,

and he's like, "You gotta lick it off

"if you wanna even get a role

in 'Fast and Furious 12: Mo' Cars, Mo' Problems,'"

and I was like, "Uh, absolutely not, dude."

- Well, good for you. - "I'll eat the ice cream

after you take your dick out of the bowl."

And he was like, "Deal."

But is that gay? No.

I mean, I know a lot of gay friends

that would not do anything like that.

- Man, I knew it. - Michael Che.

[scattered applause]

- I'll read any line as Coco.

- That sounds terrible.

Did that actually happen?

- No, no, I think they're stopping

at "Fast and Furious 10."

- No, I meant Colin Jost eating the ice cream.

- Oh, no, that wasn't Colin. That was me.

I just looked like Colin for some reason.

- But I thought you looked like Omari Hardwick.

- Yeah, but it's like you said.

You turn into other people during your dreams.

- Yes, but dreams do come from somewhere.

Do people think you're gay? - I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure someone thinks I've done something gay

to make it in show business, but that's understandable.

- How is that understandable?

- Because everybody thinks you gotta do something gay

to get into show business.

- Are you sure that's not just something you think

'cause of your own insecurities?

- Yes, I'm sure.

Wait a minute, you think I'm homophobic?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?

You're my therapist. You're supposed to know.

- Wait, what?

I thought we were role-playing.

I'm a prostitute. - Sex worker.

Let's just say you're an actual therapist.

- Oh, my God, is this why you hired me,

to dress up like this and listen to your dreams?

I thought this was sex fantasy.

- No, no, no, it is. It is.

I--I wanna have sex with you.

I'm just--I'm just, uh, working up to it.

You know what I'm saying?

I just wanna believe that

you're my therapist, and then

I can have sex with my therapist, you know?

- You're being yourself. I'm the one in character.

- I got a couple more dreams, we'll talk about my childhood,

and then into sex.

When you hear motherfuckers talk about "Hollywood parties,"

it's always, "Yeah, they have 'gay Hollywood parties,'"

and then you go on and listen to what they're talking about,

and it's like, "Yeah, I walked in the room,

and I saw two niggas kissing."

I'm like,

"Yeah, man, that's-- that's probably just a couple."

- Yeah. [laughter]

- "It wasn't a gay party.

You just saw two gay guys at a party."

But that's what people think.

That would be enough to justify

every insecurity they've ever had

about what goes on "in Hollywood."

[thrilling music]

[timer beeping and ticking]

- Damn it!

The sick bastard left us here to die.

- What are we gonna do? - There's nothing we can do!

- Guys, it's gonna be fine. Atomic Twan knows we're here.

He'll save us!

- Atomic Twan?

- While searching for a well-lit place

to make his TikToks,

Twan, the inept night-shift security guard,

accidentally trapped himself

in an atomic force generator,

where he obtained superhuman powers!

Then he became...

- Ah, fuck. - Not that guy.

- What do you mean?

♪ ♪

There he is! - Uh-uh!

Y'all ain't supposed to be in here.

We are closed.

- There's a bomb! You have to untie us!

- First of all, calm down.

'Cause what y'all not gonna do is yell at me.

I ain't even supposed to be working today.

- See what I'm saying? This dude sucks.

- We're not yelling at you, Twan.

- Time-out. Who told y'all to bring a bomb

in here in the first place?

This is a bank.

- We didn't bring the bomb.

- Well, I didn't do it, if that's what

you're trying to say.

- Jesus Christ, can you just untie us?

- I guess I could do that.

- I knew you could do it! - Ah-ah!

I didn't say I could do it.

I said I would try.

- You just said-- - Don't argue.

♪ ♪

[timer beeping and ticking]

- Oh, my God.

There's ticking. What is the ticking?

There's a lot of ticking up in this bitch.

Sounds like a bomb's going off or something.

- 'Cause it is a bomb!

- Oh, shoot.

This thing says it's about to blow up right now.

- [groans] - Oh, my God.

- I'm about to turn this thing off

'cause this ticking is driving me cuckoo bananas.

- Thank you, finally.

- What's your password? - Our what?

- Your password for this little bomb thingy

so I can turn it off! - It's not our bomb!

- Well, it's not mines!

- Can't you just use your superpowers

to untie us and fly us out of here?

- Fly you where?

- Anywhere. - Uh-uh!

I ain't gonna be flying y'all all over the place

like Boo Boo the Fool.

Tell me exactly how far y'all trying to go first.

- Literally anywhere, man! - Pick a place!

[tense music]

- Florence!

- Yes, Mr. Michael? You call me?

- Yeah, I want you to settle a bet

for my white friend here.

How do you think I made it in show business?

- Well, I'm not sure,

but I bet through hard work and determination.

- No, no, no, no. No sucking up. Just be honest.

How do you really think I made it in show business?

- Well...

- You think I did some gay shit, don't you?

- No!

- See? Nobody thinks that.

- Well, I didn't say nobody thinks that.

I definitely heard that before.

- See? - Really?

- But I don't believe it.

I think that you're just a coon.

- A coon? What?

- Well, you told me to be honest.

- What's a coon?

- It's a Black person that'll do anything

to please white people in order to make it.

You know, like a sellout.

- So according to you,

Black people won't make it

unless they do something gay or sell out?

- Or sacrifice a family member in a blood sacrifice.

But that's not according to me. That's just what people say.

- What people? - Black people!

- Why?

- Because it's fun.

You telling me white people don't do that?

You guys don't tear down your celebrities?

- No. I definitely don't.

- So you think every white celebrity

just made it because of talent and hard work?

- Yes. - All right.

I guess we just think it's hard to believe

that a Black person could make it in this country

without having to compromise in some way,

whether it's as crazy as killing a family member

or doing some gay shit or being a coon.

- Maybe that's why you were Colin Jost in the dream.

- What do you mean? - Because you're afraid

that's how Black people see you.

- As a Black Colin Jost?

Because we're both handsome and graduated from Harvard!

- No, that's not what I mean at all.

What I mean is, maybe you're afraid

Black people see you as white.

- What? That's stupid.

And you call yourself a therapist.

- I'm a prostitute,

and you said earlier when the girl asked

if you felt pressure to help Black people

with your platform, you said no.

- But that's not even true; I use my platform

to help Black people all the time.

- Do you? Mm-hmm.

- The fuck is that supposed to mean, Florence?

- Maybe we all do what we can,

but some of us need to stand up a little bit more.

That's all I'm saying.

- Goddamn, Florence.

Black people are the most liberal people I know,

but they're also the most conservative people I know,

where they're willing to stand up for injustice

as long as it ain't

something they don't tolerate.

[laughter]

[crowd cheering]

- Welcome to the Washington Wonders Arena.

- I know we've been receiving a lot of backlash

for kneeling during the national anthem...

[crowd booing]

But I say we continue to use our platform

and kneel until we see significant change

in this country, huh? - Yeah, that's right!

- In a world plagued by injustice...

- Injustice for one is injustice for all,

right, fellas? [all shouting]

- Comes the story of one man

willing to stand for what's right

in the face of adversity.

- We will not stop kneeling until there is equality

for Black trans women in this country!

- For who?

- He was...

- Black trans women have it harder than anybody,

and we, as Black men in power,

have to use our platform to protect them!

- Man, I don't know about that.

- "The New York Times" called it

"a movie."

"Variety" magazine says, "Nope."

And "The Shade Room" is calling it

"woooooooooow."

- An injustice for one

is an injustice for all, remember?

[all murmuring] - I guess, yeah.

- An original heartwarming anthem

by Grammy and Oscar Award-winning

recording artists John Legend and Common

would've been nice,

but they were unresponsive.

- Wait a minute! Captain's right.

Trans women should be protected.

- Thank you!

- Plus, some of them looking a'ight too.

- Maybe don't help me.

- Don't you wanna be the face of the Black trans movement?

[heartfelt music]

- Look at this picture right here.

Now, y'all going to tell me this nigga ain't thick?

- Can I tell you something?

This is actually really fun.

Like, I get why people go to therapy now.

- Hey, man, I don't mind talking to you as friend--

I mean, you seem okay--

but if you want to talk to real therapist,

I can recommend people. - Nah.

Therapy's not for me. That's for crazy people.

- It absolutely is for you.

- I can't see myself just paying a complete stranger

to listen to all my problems.

- That's exactly what you're doing right now

with a prostitute. - Sex worker.

But this is different.

I'm only paying for the sex part.

The talking is actually fun.

- This isn't fun.

This is actually kind of depressing,

and I get paid to do fucked-up stuff.

- Oh, come on. - But this is first time

I feel sad for client.

- Aw. - No.

- Thank you.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- How you doing, son?

Can I rap with you for a sec?

- Sure. - Your mama told me

you're going into showbiz.

Said you landed a gig and everything.

- Yep.

- That's good. That's real good.

So look, when you get out to Hollywood,

you're gonna meet a lot of different types

of people out there. - Dad.

- And some of them may ask you

to do some things you may not be comfortable with.

- I'm not gonna do anything gay, Dad.

- Good. Good.

That's--that's good.

All right, well, I guess I'll see you around, then.

- Hey, Dad, wait.

- What is it, son?

- What if I don't make it?

What if I'm not good enough?

- Whoo, you sound just like me.

- You did comedy? - No, no. Close.

I did porno. - What?

- They were laying off folks down at the car wash.

Mr. Gibson, the owner, invited me and a couple fellas

up to the office, said he liked our look.

Took our shirts off, threw some oil on,

did some muscle man poses, they snapped some Polaroids.

Him and his wife said they was doing a website.

- What, a website? So this was recently?

- No, no, this was years ago. About three years.

But look, man, the reason why I didn't say anything

is because as crazy as it sounds,

I was embarrassed by it.

- Yeah, you should be embarrassed!

- Yeah, that's true. - I can't believe you did that.

- Mm-hmm. That's me right there.

- Oh, come on, man! - I'm the one in the mask.

- Yeah, yes, I see.

Dad, you're a porn star! - Sex worker.

The point is this.

You're always gonna have doubts

when you're embarking on something new.

"Am I good enough for this? Am I worthy of success?

Is it weird that there are no cameras at this shoot?"

But you can't let none of that stop you

from following your dreams.

As long as you be true to yourself,

you're gonna be all right.

- I guess.

- Hey, and if that cat Lorne Michaels

need any adult talent-- - Dad.

- Okay, all right. I'm just saying.

You know, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

- I'll ask him, Dad. - All right.

♪ ♪

[funky music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Florence. Where'd that lady go?

- She left!

After you started crying and fell asleep, remember?

- Yeah, I guess.

Would you make me some coffee, please?

- Uh, sure. I guess.

You realize I'm not actually a maid, right?

I'm a prostitute.

- Sex worker. - Whatever.

Do you still want to have sex or what?

I mean, you only got about 15 minutes left.

- I wanna have sex, okay?

I just want you to bring me coffee first

so I can get into this whole "having sex with a maid" thing.

- All right, man, it's your $200.

- Thank you.

- You Hollywood niggas are really weird.

♪ ♪

[funky music]

- If I had a superhero power...

ah, man, I'd probably-- it'd be sad.

It'd probably be, like, Alcoholic Man.

I don't know. [laughter]

I got bit by a radioactive tequila worm.

That's great. [chuckling]

And became Alcoholic Man.

♪ ♪