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1
00:00:08,166 --> 00:00:10,376
She was the jealous type and
2
00:00:10,458 --> 00:00:11,748
I used to cheat on her.
3
00:00:11,834 --> 00:00:14,464
A relationship feels like
two people
4
00:00:14,542 --> 00:00:17,082
carrying a couch
up a flight of stairs,
5
00:00:17,166 --> 00:00:20,036
and every year is another
flight of stairs.
6
00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:24,075
And you're at the bottom
and sometimes you're like,
7
00:00:24,166 --> 00:00:25,826
"I don't got it."
8
00:00:25,917 --> 00:00:27,377
And she's like, "Push!"
and you're like...
9
00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:29,168
[chuckling]
"You need someone stronger."
10
00:00:29,250 --> 00:00:32,210
[laid-back jazz music]
11
00:00:32,291 --> 00:00:33,381
♪ ♪
12
00:00:33,458 --> 00:00:36,378
[indistinct chatter]
13
00:00:36,458 --> 00:00:43,668
♪ ♪
14
00:00:47,375 --> 00:00:49,665
- Can I get you a water, buddy?
- Uh, yeah.
15
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:54,250
And, uh, put bourbon in it
and leave out the water.
16
00:00:55,875 --> 00:00:58,785
Nothing? Yeah?
I thought it was funny.
17
00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:00,535
- You all right?
18
00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:03,955
- Yeah, everything's fine.
19
00:01:04,041 --> 00:01:06,921
[dissonant tonal crescendo]
20
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,000
- Everything is not okay
with us.
21
00:01:09,083 --> 00:01:10,793
- Everything is fine.
22
00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:12,455
- I can't do this anymore,
Michael.
23
00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:14,132
- What? Can't do what?
What are you talking about?
24
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,078
- This.
25
00:01:15,166 --> 00:01:17,286
Whether this is, I'm done.
26
00:01:17,375 --> 00:01:19,575
- You know, that's...
27
00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:20,787
forget it.
- Say it.
28
00:01:20,875 --> 00:01:22,125
- No, forget it.
29
00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:23,578
- This is what I'm talking
about, Michael.
30
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,167
You never tell me
how you actually feel.
31
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:26,710
- Because every time
I tell you,
32
00:01:26,792 --> 00:01:29,292
you freak out
and start swinging, remember?
33
00:01:29,375 --> 00:01:30,705
- Doesn't that tell you
something?
34
00:01:30,792 --> 00:01:33,132
♪ ♪
35
00:01:33,208 --> 00:01:35,168
- It's on me, brother.
36
00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:37,040
- Thank you.
37
00:01:37,125 --> 00:01:38,125
Brother.
38
00:01:38,208 --> 00:01:41,208
[spacey guitar music building]
39
00:01:41,291 --> 00:01:42,381
♪ ♪
40
00:01:42,458 --> 00:01:45,878
[pensive bass line]
41
00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:49,079
- ♪ No matterhow hard you try ♪
42
00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:52,496
♪ You can't stop me now ♪
43
00:01:53,458 --> 00:01:54,748
[indistinct excited chatter]
44
00:01:54,834 --> 00:01:57,174
- Okay. Hey, everybody.
Calm down.
45
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:58,830
Let's get in our seats.
46
00:01:58,917 --> 00:02:00,327
All right, kids.
47
00:02:00,417 --> 00:02:03,167
Today, we have a very special
guest joining us
48
00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:06,250
to talk about the dangers
of addiction.
49
00:02:06,333 --> 00:02:07,753
They're all yours.
50
00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:10,788
- Thank you.
51
00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:15,125
Hello, kids.
52
00:02:15,208 --> 00:02:17,038
My name is Mr. Clarence,
53
00:02:17,125 --> 00:02:20,205
And I grew up a regular kid
just like all of you.
54
00:02:20,291 --> 00:02:23,331
Hanging with my friends,
going to parties,
55
00:02:23,417 --> 00:02:25,417
getting into trouble.
56
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:26,920
But sometimes,
57
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,790
things that seem
like harmless fun
58
00:02:29,875 --> 00:02:32,495
can lead
to a serious addiction.
59
00:02:32,583 --> 00:02:33,883
That's what happened to me.
60
00:02:33,959 --> 00:02:35,629
- Was you addicted to drugs?
61
00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:36,539
- No.
62
00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:38,035
I can quit drugs anytime.
63
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,415
Sometimes, I go two days
without getting high.
64
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:44,210
I got hooked on something much
more dangerous than drugs.
65
00:02:44,291 --> 00:02:48,041
I became to addicted
to something called...
66
00:02:53,625 --> 00:02:54,495
Hoes.
67
00:02:54,583 --> 00:02:56,753
[riotous laughter]
68
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,174
Shut up!
[silence]
69
00:02:58,250 --> 00:02:59,580
This shit ain't funny.
70
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:01,877
- Hey, hey, everybody relax.
Everybody settle.
71
00:03:01,959 --> 00:03:05,039
Hey, man, what the hell
are you doing?
72
00:03:05,125 --> 00:03:06,575
- I'm sharing my story
of addiction,
73
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:08,707
but these children
started laughing at me.
74
00:03:08,792 --> 00:03:10,542
- All good, man.
Just chill out.
75
00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:12,035
We were just expecting you
76
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,535
to talk about
more traditional addictions
77
00:03:13,625 --> 00:03:15,075
like drugs and alcohol.
78
00:03:15,166 --> 00:03:17,746
- But that stuff is not
the real problem.
79
00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:21,464
Research shows that hoes
are the number one cause
80
00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:24,292
of all misery
and destructive behavior.
81
00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:25,535
- What research?
82
00:03:25,625 --> 00:03:27,205
- My research!
83
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:29,131
I been sitting at home for
months thinking about this shit
84
00:03:29,208 --> 00:03:32,378
and I realized that
before hoes came into my life,
85
00:03:32,458 --> 00:03:33,958
I was fine.
86
00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,461
- I don't think you should be
here talking to children.
87
00:03:35,542 --> 00:03:36,792
- So you gonna take her side?
88
00:03:36,875 --> 00:03:38,915
- Whose side?
- You don't get it, man.
89
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,460
I lost everything.
90
00:03:40,542 --> 00:03:44,752
My house, my money, my friends,
I lost my damn mind,
91
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:47,084
all 'cause of hoes!
- Hey.
92
00:03:47,166 --> 00:03:48,496
You need to not call women
that.
93
00:03:48,583 --> 00:03:50,173
- I'm not talking
about "women."
94
00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:52,210
All rectangles are not squares.
95
00:03:52,291 --> 00:03:53,961
- What?
- Let me explain.
96
00:03:54,041 --> 00:03:55,291
According to the research...
97
00:03:55,375 --> 00:03:57,125
- Are you drunk right now?
98
00:03:57,208 --> 00:03:59,958
- I had me a little taste
just to level me out before--
99
00:04:00,041 --> 00:04:01,881
- No, no, you need to go.
100
00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:03,289
- Don't you remember
what it was like?
101
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:04,455
- What what was like?
102
00:04:04,542 --> 00:04:06,542
- Before hoes.
Come on, man.
103
00:04:06,625 --> 00:04:08,455
You know what I mean.
[soft dramatic music]
104
00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:10,082
Remember when it was just you
and your buddies
105
00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:13,456
riding your bike,
playing in the dirt,
106
00:04:13,542 --> 00:04:15,462
not a care in the world.
107
00:04:15,542 --> 00:04:17,672
Remember how happy we were?
108
00:04:17,750 --> 00:04:19,830
Don't you wish
you could go back?
109
00:04:19,917 --> 00:04:21,537
That's why I'm here.
110
00:04:21,625 --> 00:04:23,325
To warn these children
111
00:04:23,417 --> 00:04:26,327
so they can grow up
to be better than us.
112
00:04:26,417 --> 00:04:29,787
I look in they little faces
and I see myself.
113
00:04:29,875 --> 00:04:31,625
Especially in that one.
114
00:04:31,709 --> 00:04:33,789
Hey, kid.
What's your mama name?
115
00:04:33,875 --> 00:04:34,995
- Denise Jones.
116
00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:37,003
- And what's your daddy name?
117
00:04:37,083 --> 00:04:38,463
- I don't know.
118
00:04:38,542 --> 00:04:41,172
- Oh, no.
[dissonant tonal crescendo]
119
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:43,670
[school bell rings]
120
00:04:44,041 --> 00:04:45,421
- A lot of stuff you learned
in school
121
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:46,710
you're not gonna use
in the real world.
122
00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:49,632
Like pi equals 3.14.
123
00:04:49,709 --> 00:04:52,379
Who the fuck tells you how big
a circle is with a number?
124
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,748
You just use your hands.
[crew laughs]
125
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:58,884
That's what a pi is.
It's about this big.
126
00:04:58,959 --> 00:05:00,999
So you're seeing somebody else?
- [scoffs]
127
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,423
I'm not even gonna answer that.
128
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:03,830
- Because you're seeing
somebody else.
129
00:05:03,917 --> 00:05:05,207
- Because what difference
does it make?
130
00:05:05,291 --> 00:05:06,671
I don't wanna be with you.
- Wow.
131
00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:08,710
- I'm not happy.
There's no passion anymore.
132
00:05:08,792 --> 00:05:10,712
We don't even make love.
133
00:05:10,792 --> 00:05:13,502
- I'm always tryna fuck
and you're always saying no.
134
00:05:13,583 --> 00:05:14,883
- I just don't like having sex
at your place
135
00:05:14,959 --> 00:05:16,459
surrounded
by all your sneakers.
136
00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:17,922
- Well, I don't like having sex
at your place
137
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,380
surrounded
by all your candles.
138
00:05:19,458 --> 00:05:20,918
I'm not a fuckin' vampire.
- Whatever.
139
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,710
I mean, you always just
fall asleep anyway.
140
00:05:22,792 --> 00:05:26,332
- Because I jerk off before
I get there like a gentleman.
141
00:05:26,417 --> 00:05:28,207
[quirky dramatic music]
142
00:05:28,291 --> 00:05:30,421
- Oh, no!
- What happened?
143
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:32,080
- It happened again, huh?
144
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,536
You found the perfect videoto masturbate to,
145
00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,745
but you already jerked offfor the night
146
00:05:36,834 --> 00:05:38,464
to a much worse video.
147
00:05:38,542 --> 00:05:41,042
So now you gotta wait tilltomorrow to jerk off again
148
00:05:41,125 --> 00:05:43,035
or till afterthe next time you pee,
149
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,745
whichever comes first.
150
00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:47,084
There's got to bea better way.
151
00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:48,996
[bright upbeat music]
- Hi.
152
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,753
I'm Dr. Thurgood Carver.
153
00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:53,834
And ever since I had my license
to practice medicine revoked,
154
00:05:53,917 --> 00:05:55,747
I've had a lot of time
to think.
155
00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:57,424
Mostly about...
156
00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:59,080
what if there was a pill
157
00:05:59,166 --> 00:06:01,746
that would give you enough
energy to masturbate
158
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:05,544
even after
you just masturbated?
159
00:06:05,625 --> 00:06:06,825
I call it...
160
00:06:06,917 --> 00:06:09,787
[chimes jingle]
The 2nd Chance Pill.
161
00:06:09,875 --> 00:06:12,165
Oh, there it is.
[gasps softly]
162
00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:16,210
Just that size,
costs $5, maybe $10?
163
00:06:16,291 --> 00:06:18,461
Would you pay for that?
164
00:06:18,542 --> 00:06:19,752
Shit, I'd pay for that.
165
00:06:19,834 --> 00:06:20,964
[chuckles]
[chimes jingle]
166
00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:22,961
[upbeat music]
167
00:06:23,041 --> 00:06:24,791
- [sighs]
168
00:06:24,875 --> 00:06:26,375
- You got any energy left
for me?
169
00:06:26,458 --> 00:06:29,038
- No. I just whacked off.
I'm pretty tired.
170
00:06:29,125 --> 00:06:30,205
- Oh.
171
00:06:30,291 --> 00:06:31,581
Well, what about
the 2nd Chance Pill?
172
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,457
- I already took it.
Jacked off twice.
173
00:06:33,542 --> 00:06:36,252
- Okay, well, can you take
another one for me?
174
00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:37,963
- I only have two left.
175
00:06:38,041 --> 00:06:39,631
- Well, you can buy some more,
right?
176
00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:41,629
- And are you gonna give me
the $10 for another pill?
177
00:06:41,709 --> 00:06:43,209
- $10?
I thought it was $5.
178
00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:45,791
- Sometimes they're $10.
179
00:06:45,875 --> 00:06:47,285
- Fine, I will give you $10
180
00:06:47,375 --> 00:06:49,125
but I wanna have sex right now.
It's been months.
181
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:51,128
- But I haven't peed yet
and it's gonna sting.
182
00:06:51,208 --> 00:06:52,128
- What?
183
00:06:52,208 --> 00:06:53,998
- Yeah...
184
00:06:54,083 --> 00:06:58,173
the 2nd Chance Pill
by Dr. Thurgood Carver.
185
00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:00,580
[chuckles]
186
00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:02,377
Yeah, works so well,
you'll be saying,
187
00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:06,498
"Hell, maybe we was wrong about
that Dr. Thurgood Carver.
188
00:07:06,583 --> 00:07:09,173
"Yeah, maybe we owe that guy
an apology.
189
00:07:09,250 --> 00:07:12,170
"And his license
to practice medicine again.
190
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:14,880
And his office too."
[soft dramatic music]
191
00:07:14,959 --> 00:07:16,629
But it'll too late.
Yeah.
192
00:07:16,709 --> 00:07:19,329
See, 'cause I already got all
your names on my shit list.
193
00:07:19,417 --> 00:07:22,077
[blows air]
I like the sound of that.
194
00:07:22,166 --> 00:07:24,666
Yeah, I'm gonna land
on my feet.
195
00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:27,580
And you'll all be sorry.
You'll see.
196
00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:29,667
You'll all see.
197
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,000
♪ ♪
198
00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:33,333
With my 2nd Chance Pill.
199
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,165
- It's not just about the sex.
200
00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:38,170
When was the last time we even
went somewhere nice?
201
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:41,500
- We're somewhere nice now.
Look, this is nice.
202
00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:43,043
- This does not count.
203
00:07:43,125 --> 00:07:44,375
Your apartment
is right upstairs.
204
00:07:44,458 --> 00:07:46,168
I could call your Alexa
from here.
205
00:07:46,250 --> 00:07:47,880
- So what? You wanna be like
all your friends on Instagram
206
00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:51,209
posting pictures of fancy
restaurants and vacations
207
00:07:51,291 --> 00:07:53,001
pretending to be
in a perfect relationship?
208
00:07:53,083 --> 00:07:55,383
- Yes!
Of course!
209
00:07:55,458 --> 00:07:57,078
What's so bad about that?
210
00:07:57,166 --> 00:07:59,416
- It's not real.
All of that's fake.
211
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:01,670
- At least they're being fake
on a beach in Tulum
212
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:04,000
and not arguing at a bar
in their lobby.
213
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:05,543
- Fine. If you wanna be
a Instagram thot,
214
00:08:05,625 --> 00:08:08,035
I can't stop you.
- God, you are so annoying.
215
00:08:08,125 --> 00:08:09,535
- If you wanna be like
all your friends,
216
00:08:09,625 --> 00:08:11,745
go get yourself
a fake butt and a OnlyFans
217
00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:13,794
and spread your cheeks
for Bitcoins and likes.
218
00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:15,125
I don't care.
219
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,915
Oh, I don't--
I don't do social media.
220
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,380
Well, first of all,
nothing's real there.
221
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,538
It's like one of them
fast food commercials.
222
00:08:22,625 --> 00:08:24,205
You know, you see, like,
a Arby's commercial,
223
00:08:24,291 --> 00:08:27,081
and they're like,
"Arby's has filet mignon!"
224
00:08:27,166 --> 00:08:29,036
and you're like,
"How's that fuckin' possible?"
225
00:08:29,125 --> 00:08:31,075
And you see the picture
of the filet mignon
226
00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:32,076
and it looks amazing.
227
00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:33,456
You're like, "What the fuck?
228
00:08:33,542 --> 00:08:34,672
"How does Arby's have
filet mignon?
229
00:08:34,750 --> 00:08:36,630
This is impossible.
For $2?"
230
00:08:36,709 --> 00:08:39,249
And then you go
to fuckin' Arby's
231
00:08:39,333 --> 00:08:40,503
and you see the filet mignon
232
00:08:40,583 --> 00:08:42,213
and it looks like shit
in person.
233
00:08:42,291 --> 00:08:44,081
You're like, "Oh, yeah,
that's right, this is Arby's.
234
00:08:44,166 --> 00:08:46,456
Why did I believe that this
would be anything different?"
235
00:08:46,542 --> 00:08:47,712
That's exactly what it's like
236
00:08:47,792 --> 00:08:49,832
meeting somebody
from Instagram.
237
00:08:55,166 --> 00:08:57,746
- I think that's the only
healthy way to deal with it.
238
00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:00,464
Now, if you're looking
for a McChicken,
239
00:09:00,542 --> 00:09:01,922
then go get a McChicken.
240
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,290
- Why you always gotta come
for my friends?
241
00:09:04,375 --> 00:09:06,785
I don't talk about them trash
niggas you hanging out with.
242
00:09:06,875 --> 00:09:09,745
- Because my trash niggas
ain't tryna break us up.
243
00:09:09,834 --> 00:09:11,964
They like you.
244
00:09:12,041 --> 00:09:14,421
- How did you expect this
to end?
245
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:16,290
- I don't know. I thought
you wanted to get married.
246
00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:19,955
- To you?
[laughs]
247
00:09:20,041 --> 00:09:21,791
- Yeah.
Why you say it like that?
248
00:09:21,875 --> 00:09:23,785
- Che, there are
a million reasons
249
00:09:23,875 --> 00:09:25,285
why we cannot get married.
250
00:09:25,375 --> 00:09:28,665
[excited applause][drum roll]
251
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:29,830
[upbeat music]
252
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:31,287
- Welcome back
253
00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:33,455
to "Couples Feud:Wedding Edition."
254
00:09:33,542 --> 00:09:34,672
Before the break...
255
00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:37,500
- We got Grace's
Insta Hoe Friends.
256
00:09:37,583 --> 00:09:39,383
- And we got Michael
and his Trash Niggas.
257
00:09:39,458 --> 00:09:40,458
Michael & friends: Yeah!
258
00:09:40,542 --> 00:09:42,082
Grace & friends: Boo!
259
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:45,286
- Name one reason why these two
shouldn't be together.
260
00:09:45,375 --> 00:09:47,165
- She could be with somebody
way cuter.
261
00:09:47,250 --> 00:09:48,790
[audience exclaiming]
- Don't listen to her, yo.
262
00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:50,285
You're cute, yo.
Your whole body cute.
263
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:52,285
- Thank you!
- He always got on a hoodie
264
00:09:52,375 --> 00:09:53,745
and some sneakers everywhere.
265
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,294
He's just a asshole, Steve.
266
00:09:55,375 --> 00:09:57,625
- Show me
the boy's an asshole.
267
00:09:57,709 --> 00:09:59,829
[buzzer blares]
guys: [imitating buzzer]
268
00:09:59,917 --> 00:10:01,577
- All right, mama.
We comin' to you.
269
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,627
- Uh, maybe he just drinks
too much?
270
00:10:03,709 --> 00:10:05,169
- That's a good point,
she got me.
271
00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:07,540
- Let me see your boy's
a fall-down drunk.
272
00:10:07,625 --> 00:10:08,665
[buzzer blares]
- What?
273
00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:10,080
[jeers and applause]
274
00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:11,826
- All right, Grace.
275
00:10:11,917 --> 00:10:14,167
We got one answer left
on the board.
276
00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:16,750
Now if you get it right,
you win the argument.
277
00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:19,884
You don't get it right,
the Trash Niggas could steal.
278
00:10:19,959 --> 00:10:21,169
- You know what I'm sayin'?
279
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:22,710
- I'm gonna repeat
the question.
280
00:10:22,792 --> 00:10:27,042
Name one reason y'all two
shouldn't be together.
281
00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:30,535
[dramatic suspenseful music]
282
00:10:30,625 --> 00:10:31,995
- Okay.
I got it, Steve.
283
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:34,463
I'm gonna say
"He Doesn't Love Me."
284
00:10:34,542 --> 00:10:36,582
[bell rings]
[cheers and applause]
285
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:37,877
- What?
Of course I love you.
286
00:10:37,959 --> 00:10:39,579
- Then how come
you never say it?
287
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:41,497
- We say it to each other
all the time.
288
00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:43,293
- Nigga, when?
289
00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:44,375
I love you.
290
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:46,128
- All right, woman.
291
00:10:46,208 --> 00:10:48,248
- I love you, babe.
292
00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:49,463
- You're so gay.
293
00:10:49,542 --> 00:10:51,672
I fuckin' love Stone Cold.
294
00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:53,540
- I loveyou.
295
00:10:53,625 --> 00:10:56,035
- What?
296
00:10:56,125 --> 00:10:57,665
- Psh, forget it.
297
00:10:57,750 --> 00:11:00,630
- What?
- [sighs] You're so stupid.
298
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:01,919
- What?
[chuckles]
299
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,380
Like Stone Cold does.
300
00:11:03,458 --> 00:11:05,038
[bell rings]
301
00:11:05,125 --> 00:11:07,665
I say "I love you"
all the time, just
302
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,210
not to anyone I'm dating.
303
00:11:10,291 --> 00:11:12,501
When you say, "I love you"
to a girl, it's a--
304
00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:14,003
you're signing a contract.
305
00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:15,673
You have to live up
to that shit.
306
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:17,960
Like, I've never told
my mother, "I love you"
307
00:11:18,041 --> 00:11:20,631
and she was like, "Prove it."
308
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,750
- So what are some ways
to identify hoes?
309
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:28,214
Just raise your hands
if you know the answer.
310
00:11:28,291 --> 00:11:29,921
Don't be shy.
311
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,920
What about you?
312
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,250
What's your name?
- Michael.
313
00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:38,173
- Can you guess something
that a hoe might do?
314
00:11:39,709 --> 00:11:42,079
- Um, sleep around?
315
00:11:42,166 --> 00:11:43,666
- Yes, that's a good answer.
316
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:47,330
Let's put that on the board
as number one.
317
00:11:47,417 --> 00:11:49,537
"Sleep around."
318
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:51,625
Anybody else?
319
00:11:51,709 --> 00:11:52,579
- They lie.
320
00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:54,287
- That is a great answer.
321
00:11:54,375 --> 00:11:56,495
I know a bunch
of lyin'-ass hoes.
322
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:59,133
Let's make that number one
instead.
323
00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:04,668
And let's also put
"call me crazy
324
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:08,460
"'cause I bought her a pager
325
00:12:08,542 --> 00:12:09,672
"just to know
326
00:12:09,750 --> 00:12:14,130
where she is all the time."
327
00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:17,328
[quirky dramatic music]
328
00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,457
- A lot of girls
are going missing lately.
329
00:12:19,542 --> 00:12:20,962
- That's right.
330
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,631
[toilet flushes]
- ♪ Cha, cha, wow, watch me! ♪
331
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:26,249
[singing to self]
332
00:12:37,125 --> 00:12:39,415
Hey, man, what's your problem?
333
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,040
- What?
- We do this every time.
334
00:12:42,125 --> 00:12:43,995
I try to turn the water on
for you
335
00:12:44,083 --> 00:12:45,793
and you turn it on instead.
336
00:12:45,875 --> 00:12:49,625
I try to dry you off
and you use the damn machine.
337
00:12:49,709 --> 00:12:52,289
Look, I'm trying to work here.
338
00:12:52,375 --> 00:12:54,245
Did I do something to you?
339
00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:56,253
- No, man.
I just don't need this.
340
00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:58,753
- Well, I do!
341
00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:00,384
- Look, you right.
I'm just--
342
00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:03,498
I'm just going through
something right now, man.
343
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,173
- Look...
344
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:08,250
I can't help you
if you don't let me in.
345
00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:11,293
- [sighs]
It's just...
346
00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:12,995
everything's falling apart.
347
00:13:13,083 --> 00:13:14,293
- You want some cologne?
348
00:13:14,375 --> 00:13:15,375
- And I know it's my fault,
but I--
349
00:13:15,458 --> 00:13:16,748
- You want a condom?
350
00:13:16,834 --> 00:13:18,384
- How did I get here?
351
00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:20,038
- Most likely, you had a shit.
352
00:13:20,125 --> 00:13:21,745
You was drinking
straight bourbon all night
353
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:25,214
and that stuff will
tear up your insides.
354
00:13:25,291 --> 00:13:26,881
- It wasn't always like this.
355
00:13:26,959 --> 00:13:28,579
[peaceful music]
- [laughing]
356
00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:32,037
- I know, right?
[indistinct chatter]
357
00:13:32,125 --> 00:13:33,245
- Can I start you off
with some water?
358
00:13:33,333 --> 00:13:34,673
- Uh, yeah, actually.
359
00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:37,920
But with bourbon and no water.
- [laughs]
360
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,540
You so silly.
361
00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:40,825
So how do you know this place?
362
00:13:40,917 --> 00:13:42,667
- I actually live
right upstairs.
363
00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:44,170
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
364
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:46,040
- You bring your dates here
all the time, huh?
365
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:47,535
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
That--
366
00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:49,955
come on, that'd be gross.
- Mm-hmm?
367
00:13:50,041 --> 00:13:52,041
- Let me get myself out
of this, uh...
368
00:13:52,125 --> 00:13:53,495
what kind of guys do you date?
369
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,503
Do you date, like,
rappers and ball players?
370
00:13:55,583 --> 00:13:56,753
- Nah.
371
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:58,424
Why would you think that?
- I don't know.
372
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,750
I just see you as somebody
that's mad successful.
373
00:14:00,834 --> 00:14:02,544
- I've gone on one date
with a rich guy.
374
00:14:02,625 --> 00:14:05,285
It was...interesting.
375
00:14:05,375 --> 00:14:06,665
[laughter]
376
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:10,080
And so I had to walk home
soaked in fruit pulp
377
00:14:10,166 --> 00:14:11,496
- [laughing]
Oh, no.
378
00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:12,793
- And it wasn't even
the actual Gallagher.
379
00:14:12,875 --> 00:14:15,625
- [laughing]
That is so funny.
380
00:14:15,709 --> 00:14:17,669
- [chuckles]
381
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:20,750
- I like you.
- Oh, good.
382
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:22,084
- Pardon me
for being so forward,
383
00:14:22,166 --> 00:14:23,456
but I'd like to go home
with you.
384
00:14:23,542 --> 00:14:24,882
- [chuckles] Whoa.
Slow down, man.
385
00:14:24,959 --> 00:14:26,419
We just got here.
386
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,670
- I want you badly.
387
00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:30,130
Look, I know what
you're thinking,
388
00:14:30,208 --> 00:14:31,708
but I actually pride myself
in the fact
389
00:14:31,792 --> 00:14:33,212
I can make a woman climax
with cunnilingus.
390
00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:34,421
- What now?
- Cunnilingus?
391
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,830
The art of performing oral sex?
392
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:38,327
- No, I got it.
Where is this coming from?
393
00:14:38,417 --> 00:14:39,707
- I know what you're thinking,
394
00:14:39,792 --> 00:14:41,172
but I love everything about it.
- Uh-uh.
395
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:42,670
- The taste, the aroma,
the conquer.
396
00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,130
I would devour you.
397
00:14:44,208 --> 00:14:45,748
- The conquer?
- I know what you're thinking,
398
00:14:45,834 --> 00:14:47,294
but I never get tired
down there.
399
00:14:47,375 --> 00:14:48,665
I can do it all night long.
400
00:14:48,750 --> 00:14:50,130
- Stop saying you know
what I'm thinking.
401
00:14:50,208 --> 00:14:51,418
- I'd like to enjoy your vagina
402
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:52,710
like I enjoy my cigarettes.
403
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,042
Right down to the butt.
404
00:14:55,125 --> 00:14:56,825
- What the fuck is wrong
with you?
405
00:14:56,917 --> 00:14:58,247
- Sorry, I didn't mean
to offend you.
406
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:01,173
- Well, you did,
you fuckin' creep.
407
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:02,960
- I apologize.
408
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:05,291
I don't go on a lot
of first dates.
409
00:15:05,375 --> 00:15:06,995
I know what you're thinking,
but...
410
00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:11,083
pretty girls like you
don't go out with guys like me.
411
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,286
I'm sorry.
I should leave.
412
00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:21,077
- Hey, wait.
413
00:15:22,291 --> 00:15:23,831
- Change your mind?
414
00:15:23,917 --> 00:15:26,167
- So what about you?
What kind of girls do you date?
415
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:27,580
- I know what you're thinking.
416
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:29,497
"Oh, this guy probably dates
all the models
417
00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,833
and actresses--"
- No, I don't see that.
418
00:15:31,917 --> 00:15:34,327
- Well, I mean, I have dated
models before, but I--
419
00:15:34,417 --> 00:15:37,077
- I see you with somebody,
like, nerdy.
420
00:15:37,166 --> 00:15:38,496
- Oh.
421
00:15:38,583 --> 00:15:40,713
- You know, somebody that,
like, gets your jokes.
422
00:15:40,792 --> 00:15:43,462
- Oh. [chuckles] Oh, okay.
- [laughs]
423
00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:48,002
- I've never known a
relationship was over first.
424
00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:49,383
There's been so many times
425
00:15:49,458 --> 00:15:50,788
I've been in a argument
with a girl
426
00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:52,325
where I thought
everything was fine
427
00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:56,327
and she was like,
"This is fucking stagnant."
428
00:15:56,417 --> 00:16:00,707
And then understand,
"Oh, yeah. Right.
429
00:16:00,792 --> 00:16:02,042
This is done."
430
00:16:02,125 --> 00:16:03,245
- All right, Trash Niggas.
431
00:16:03,333 --> 00:16:04,963
It's your chance
to take the board.
432
00:16:05,041 --> 00:16:08,041
Name one reason why these two
shouldn't be together.
433
00:16:08,125 --> 00:16:10,455
- He probably ain't tappin' her
right, Steve.
434
00:16:10,542 --> 00:16:12,002
- She belong to the streets,
Steve.
435
00:16:12,083 --> 00:16:13,503
- Yo mama belong
to the streets.
436
00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:15,333
- And she be slappin' the shit
out of him.
437
00:16:15,417 --> 00:16:16,247
- Hey.
438
00:16:16,333 --> 00:16:17,583
- That was one time.
439
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:19,247
- Wish somebody would hit
my ass.
440
00:16:19,333 --> 00:16:20,423
- All right.
441
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:22,040
- All right, Mike.
It's all on you.
442
00:16:22,125 --> 00:16:24,035
Name one reason why you two
shouldn't be together.
443
00:16:24,125 --> 00:16:26,665
- Well, first of all, Steve,
we should be together.
444
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,580
[audience groans]
- Bitch-ass niggas.
445
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:31,957
- But I'ma go on my own...
[dramatic music]
446
00:16:32,041 --> 00:16:34,131
And say that she's being
too dramatic.
447
00:16:34,208 --> 00:16:35,538
- Good answer!
[audience oohs and ahhs]
448
00:16:35,625 --> 00:16:37,535
- Dramatic?
- What?
449
00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:39,035
- As usual.
450
00:16:39,125 --> 00:16:40,495
You know how she--
451
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,253
- You sure you wanna go
with that answer, son?
452
00:16:42,333 --> 00:16:44,003
- [scoffs]
You think I'm being dramatic?
453
00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:46,043
- Yes.
- After everything I just said,
454
00:16:46,125 --> 00:16:47,875
after I pour my heart out
to you
455
00:16:47,959 --> 00:16:52,419
and tell you that I'm unhappy,
you say I'm being dramatic?
456
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,250
- Okay, so now
you're gonna start crying,
457
00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:56,463
you're gonna flip out,
hit me in my nose again,
458
00:16:56,542 --> 00:16:58,632
make me out to be the bad guy,
right?
459
00:16:58,709 --> 00:17:00,249
This is why I don't say shit.
460
00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:03,003
[piano music playing]
461
00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:04,753
Oh, what?
You're not gonna flip out?
462
00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:08,634
- I can't put any more
into this.
463
00:17:08,709 --> 00:17:10,129
- So you're done?
464
00:17:10,208 --> 00:17:13,288
- We're done.
465
00:17:13,375 --> 00:17:15,285
- I thought you loved me.
466
00:17:15,375 --> 00:17:18,875
- Michael, you don't even know
how you wanna be loved.
467
00:17:18,959 --> 00:17:24,129
♪ ♪
468
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:25,498
- I'll be right back.
469
00:17:25,583 --> 00:17:27,003
[rhythmic clapping]
470
00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:30,173
- Okay, son, it looks like
you fuckin' up real bad.
471
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:32,080
- Yeah, it does.
- Every time Grace tries
472
00:17:32,166 --> 00:17:33,956
to make things right,
you seem to make it worse.
473
00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:36,211
- Yeah, I get that, I get that.
- Get all these answers right,
474
00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:38,751
maybe she'll see that you care
about this relationship
475
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:41,794
and that she didn't waste her
damn time with your dumb ass.
476
00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:42,995
- Whoo!
Let's go.
477
00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:44,503
- I asked you, "Name a city
478
00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:47,833
where Grace has always wanted
you to take her."
479
00:17:47,917 --> 00:17:48,997
You said...
480
00:17:49,083 --> 00:17:50,083
[electronic chime]
481
00:17:50,166 --> 00:17:51,786
That shit in Mexico...pass.
482
00:17:51,875 --> 00:17:52,955
[audience exclaims softly]
- Yeah.
483
00:17:53,041 --> 00:17:54,631
I don't remember specifically.
484
00:17:54,709 --> 00:17:56,459
I messed that one up,
but I know it begins with a C.
485
00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:57,672
I couldn't remember the exact--
486
00:17:57,750 --> 00:17:59,460
- We were looking for a Tulum.
487
00:17:59,542 --> 00:18:00,752
Tulum.
- Tulum, Tulum.
488
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:02,544
- Don't sound like a damn C
to me.
489
00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:04,575
- By the sea.
490
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,167
- We asked you,
"Name Grace's favorite singer."
491
00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:08,290
You said...
492
00:18:08,375 --> 00:18:10,165
that ugly dude
with the six pack
493
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:12,580
and light eyes. Fuck. Pass.
494
00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,707
- I don't remember his name.
That's mostly right.
495
00:18:14,792 --> 00:18:17,832
- I asked you,
"What is Grace's zodiac sign?"
496
00:18:17,917 --> 00:18:19,747
- Oh, my God. He don't know.
- He don't know.
497
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,384
- [chuckling]
Your ass said spring.
498
00:18:21,458 --> 00:18:23,168
- I blanked. That was
just, like, a brain fart.
499
00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:25,540
- I asked you,
"Name her favorite movie."
500
00:18:25,625 --> 00:18:27,245
But honestly,
it's not even on this card.
501
00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:29,173
I just wanted you to get
something right.
502
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:31,500
You know what your ass said?
You said...
503
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:33,003
"Naked and Afraid."
504
00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:35,133
[audience exclaiming softly]
That's a goddamn TV show.
505
00:18:35,208 --> 00:18:37,248
Just for fun,
do you like that show?
506
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,543
- No, Steve.
507
00:18:38,625 --> 00:18:40,625
- What?
You always watch that show.
508
00:18:40,709 --> 00:18:42,749
-You'realways watching it.
509
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:44,464
I just like to cuddle
next to you.
510
00:18:44,542 --> 00:18:47,832
[audience exclaiming]
- Damn.
511
00:18:47,917 --> 00:18:51,627
- So you see, kids,hoes can be anybody.
512
00:18:51,709 --> 00:18:53,789
You think you're meeting
someone nice,
513
00:18:53,875 --> 00:18:54,995
but they're not nice.
514
00:18:55,083 --> 00:18:56,713
They're hoes.
515
00:18:56,792 --> 00:18:58,332
They act like they love you.
516
00:18:58,417 --> 00:19:02,917
They don't love you.They only love themselves.
517
00:19:04,792 --> 00:19:07,462
- Alexa, play something sad.
518
00:19:07,542 --> 00:19:09,252
- Playing something sad.
519
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:12,923
[R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts"]- ♪ Everybody cries ♪
520
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,750
[moody acoustic guitar music]
- [sighs]
521
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,044
♪ ♪
522
00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:20,165
♪ Everybody hurts ♪
523
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:21,540
♪ ♪
524
00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:24,038
- ♪ Sometimes ♪
- ♪ Sometimes ♪
525
00:19:24,125 --> 00:19:25,875
Come on, you know the words.
526
00:19:25,959 --> 00:19:27,209
♪ ♪
527
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,461
- And they will use youand use you
528
00:19:29,542 --> 00:19:31,752
till you don't have no moreto give.
529
00:19:31,834 --> 00:19:33,714
And they on to the next.
530
00:19:33,792 --> 00:19:35,082
- ♪ Sometimes ♪
531
00:19:35,166 --> 00:19:37,666
- So don't fallfor any of they tricks.
532
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:41,080
Just say no to hoes.
533
00:19:41,166 --> 00:19:43,496
So when you see a hoe,
what are you gonna do?
534
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:44,753
all: Run!
535
00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:46,834
- That's right.
[children giggling]
536
00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:48,997
As fast as you can.
537
00:19:49,083 --> 00:19:52,963
- ♪ Hold on ♪
538
00:19:53,041 --> 00:19:54,631
♪ Ho-- ♪[notification chimes]
539
00:19:54,709 --> 00:19:56,249
- Hey, Che.
540
00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:57,213
- Oh, hey.
541
00:19:57,291 --> 00:19:58,461
- Sorry I'm late.
542
00:19:58,542 --> 00:20:01,212
- No, it's fine, it's fine.
Sit down.
543
00:20:01,291 --> 00:20:03,631
- I love this place.
- Yes.
544
00:20:03,709 --> 00:20:04,829
- Good job.
545
00:20:04,917 --> 00:20:06,247
- You guys wanna order
something?
546
00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:07,713
- Um, I'll just take
a water right now.
547
00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:09,582
- I'll do a water as well.
548
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:13,787
But with bourbon and no water.
- [laughs]
549
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:15,285
Funny.
- It is funny.
550
00:20:15,375 --> 00:20:17,125
See? It was funny.
- Oh, he didn't feel it.
551
00:20:17,208 --> 00:20:20,168
[funk music]
552
00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:27,420
♪ ♪
553
00:20:27,470 --> 00:20:32,020
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