Original subtitles

She was the jealous type and

I used to cheat on her.

A relationship feels like two people

carrying a couch up a flight of stairs,

and every year is another flight of stairs.

And you're at the bottom and sometimes you're like,

"I don't got it."

And she's like, "Push!" and you're like...

[chuckling] "You need someone stronger."

[laid-back jazz music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

- Can I get you a water, buddy? - Uh, yeah.

And, uh, put bourbon in it and leave out the water.

Nothing? Yeah? I thought it was funny.

- You all right?

- Yeah, everything's fine.

[dissonant tonal crescendo]

- Everything is not okay with us.

- Everything is fine.

- I can't do this anymore, Michael.

- What? Can't do what? What are you talking about?

- This.

Whether this is, I'm done.

- You know, that's...

forget it. - Say it.

- No, forget it.

- This is what I'm talking about, Michael.

You never tell me how you actually feel.

- Because every time I tell you,

you freak out and start swinging, remember?

- Doesn't that tell you something?

♪ ♪

- It's on me, brother.

- Thank you.

Brother.

[spacey guitar music building]

♪ ♪

[pensive bass line]

- ♪ No matter how hard you try ♪

♪ You can't stop me now ♪

[indistinct excited chatter]

- Okay. Hey, everybody. Calm down.

Let's get in our seats.

All right, kids.

Today, we have a very special guest joining us

to talk about the dangers of addiction.

They're all yours.

- Thank you.

Hello, kids.

My name is Mr. Clarence,

And I grew up a regular kid just like all of you.

Hanging with my friends, going to parties,

getting into trouble.

But sometimes,

things that seem like harmless fun

can lead to a serious addiction.

That's what happened to me.

- Was you addicted to drugs?

- No.

I can quit drugs anytime.

Sometimes, I go two days without getting high.

I got hooked on something much more dangerous than drugs.

I became to addicted to something called...

Hoes.

[riotous laughter]

Shut up! [silence]

This shit ain't funny.

- Hey, hey, everybody relax. Everybody settle.

Hey, man, what the hell are you doing?

- I'm sharing my story of addiction,

but these children started laughing at me.

- All good, man. Just chill out.

We were just expecting you

to talk about more traditional addictions

like drugs and alcohol.

- But that stuff is not the real problem.

Research shows that hoes are the number one cause

of all misery and destructive behavior.

- What research?

- My research!

I been sitting at home for months thinking about this shit

and I realized that before hoes came into my life,

I was fine.

- I don't think you should be here talking to children.

- So you gonna take her side?

- Whose side? - You don't get it, man.

I lost everything.

My house, my money, my friends, I lost my damn mind,

all 'cause of hoes! - Hey.

You need to not call women that.

- I'm not talking about "women."

All rectangles are not squares.

- What? - Let me explain.

According to the research...

- Are you drunk right now?

- I had me a little taste just to level me out before--

- No, no, you need to go.

- Don't you remember what it was like?

- What what was like?

- Before hoes. Come on, man.

You know what I mean. [soft dramatic music]

Remember when it was just you and your buddies

riding your bike, playing in the dirt,

not a care in the world.

Remember how happy we were?

Don't you wish you could go back?

That's why I'm here.

To warn these children

so they can grow up to be better than us.

I look in they little faces and I see myself.

Especially in that one.

Hey, kid. What's your mama name?

- Denise Jones.

- And what's your daddy name?

- I don't know.

- Oh, no. [dissonant tonal crescendo]

[school bell rings]

- A lot of stuff you learned in school

you're not gonna use in the real world.

Like pi equals 3.14.

Who the fuck tells you how big a circle is with a number?

You just use your hands. [crew laughs]

That's what a pi is. It's about this big.

So you're seeing somebody else? - [scoffs]

I'm not even gonna answer that.

- Because you're seeing somebody else.

- Because what difference does it make?

I don't wanna be with you. - Wow.

- I'm not happy. There's no passion anymore.

We don't even make love.

- I'm always tryna fuck and you're always saying no.

- I just don't like having sex at your place

surrounded by all your sneakers.

- Well, I don't like having sex at your place

surrounded by all your candles.

I'm not a fuckin' vampire. - Whatever.

I mean, you always just fall asleep anyway.

- Because I jerk off before I get there like a gentleman.

[quirky dramatic music]

- Oh, no! - What happened?

- It happened again, huh?

You found the perfect video to masturbate to,

but you already jerked off for the night

to a much worse video.

So now you gotta wait till tomorrow to jerk off again

or till after the next time you pee,

whichever comes first.

There's got to be a better way.

[bright upbeat music] - Hi.

I'm Dr. Thurgood Carver.

And ever since I had my license to practice medicine revoked,

I've had a lot of time to think.

Mostly about...

what if there was a pill

that would give you enough energy to masturbate

even after you just masturbated?

I call it...

[chimes jingle] The 2nd Chance Pill.

Oh, there it is. [gasps softly]

Just that size, costs $5, maybe $10?

Would you pay for that?

Shit, I'd pay for that.

[chuckles] [chimes jingle]

[upbeat music]

- [sighs]

- You got any energy left for me?

- No. I just whacked off. I'm pretty tired.

- Oh.

Well, what about the 2nd Chance Pill?

- I already took it. Jacked off twice.

- Okay, well, can you take another one for me?

- I only have two left.

- Well, you can buy some more, right?

- And are you gonna give me the $10 for another pill?

- $10? I thought it was $5.

- Sometimes they're $10.

- Fine, I will give you $10

but I wanna have sex right now. It's been months.

- But I haven't peed yet and it's gonna sting.

- What?

- Yeah...

the 2nd Chance Pill by Dr. Thurgood Carver.

[chuckles]

Yeah, works so well, you'll be saying,

"Hell, maybe we was wrong about that Dr. Thurgood Carver.

"Yeah, maybe we owe that guy an apology.

"And his license to practice medicine again.

And his office too." [soft dramatic music]

But it'll too late. Yeah.

See, 'cause I already got all your names on my shit list.

[blows air] I like the sound of that.

Yeah, I'm gonna land on my feet.

And you'll all be sorry. You'll see.

You'll all see.

♪ ♪

With my 2nd Chance Pill.

- It's not just about the sex.

When was the last time we even went somewhere nice?

- We're somewhere nice now. Look, this is nice.

- This does not count.

Your apartment is right upstairs.

I could call your Alexa from here.

- So what? You wanna be like all your friends on Instagram

posting pictures of fancy restaurants and vacations

pretending to be in a perfect relationship?

- Yes! Of course!

What's so bad about that?

- It's not real. All of that's fake.

- At least they're being fake on a beach in Tulum

and not arguing at a bar in their lobby.

- Fine. If you wanna be a Instagram thot,

I can't stop you. - God, you are so annoying.

- If you wanna be like all your friends,

go get yourself a fake butt and a OnlyFans

and spread your cheeks for Bitcoins and likes.

I don't care.

Oh, I don't-- I don't do social media.

Well, first of all, nothing's real there.

It's like one of them fast food commercials.

You know, you see, like, a Arby's commercial,

and they're like, "Arby's has filet mignon!"

and you're like, "How's that fuckin' possible?"

And you see the picture of the filet mignon

and it looks amazing.

You're like, "What the fuck?

"How does Arby's have filet mignon?

This is impossible. For $2?"

And then you go to fuckin' Arby's

and you see the filet mignon

and it looks like shit in person.

You're like, "Oh, yeah, that's right, this is Arby's.

Why did I believe that this would be anything different?"

That's exactly what it's like

meeting somebody from Instagram.

- I think that's the only healthy way to deal with it.

Now, if you're looking for a McChicken,

then go get a McChicken.

- Why you always gotta come for my friends?

I don't talk about them trash niggas you hanging out with.

- Because my trash niggas ain't tryna break us up.

They like you.

- How did you expect this to end?

- I don't know. I thought you wanted to get married.

- To you? [laughs]

- Yeah. Why you say it like that?

- Che, there are a million reasons

why we cannot get married.

[excited applause] [drum roll]

[upbeat music]

- Welcome back

to "Couples Feud: Wedding Edition."

Before the break...

- We got Grace's Insta Hoe Friends.

- And we got Michael and his Trash Niggas.

Michael & friends: Yeah!

Grace & friends: Boo!

- Name one reason why these two shouldn't be together.

- She could be with somebody way cuter.

[audience exclaiming] - Don't listen to her, yo.

You're cute, yo. Your whole body cute.

- Thank you! - He always got on a hoodie

and some sneakers everywhere.

He's just a asshole, Steve.

- Show me the boy's an asshole.

[buzzer blares] guys: [imitating buzzer]

- All right, mama. We comin' to you.

- Uh, maybe he just drinks too much?

- That's a good point, she got me.

- Let me see your boy's a fall-down drunk.

[buzzer blares] - What?

[jeers and applause]

- All right, Grace.

We got one answer left on the board.

Now if you get it right, you win the argument.

You don't get it right, the Trash Niggas could steal.

- You know what I'm sayin'?

- I'm gonna repeat the question.

Name one reason y'all two shouldn't be together.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

- Okay. I got it, Steve.

I'm gonna say "He Doesn't Love Me."

[bell rings] [cheers and applause]

- What? Of course I love you.

- Then how come you never say it?

- We say it to each other all the time.

- Nigga, when?

I love you.

- All right, woman.

- I love you, babe.

- You're so gay.

I fuckin' love Stone Cold.

- I loveyou.

- What?

- Psh, forget it.

- What? - [sighs] You're so stupid.

- What? [chuckles]

Like Stone Cold does.

[bell rings]

I say "I love you" all the time, just

not to anyone I'm dating.

When you say, "I love you" to a girl, it's a--

you're signing a contract.

You have to live up to that shit.

Like, I've never told my mother, "I love you"

and she was like, "Prove it."

- So what are some ways to identify hoes?

Just raise your hands if you know the answer.

Don't be shy.

What about you?

What's your name? - Michael.

- Can you guess something that a hoe might do?

- Um, sleep around?

- Yes, that's a good answer.

Let's put that on the board as number one.

"Sleep around."

Anybody else?

- They lie.

- That is a great answer.

I know a bunch of lyin'-ass hoes.

Let's make that number one instead.

And let's also put "call me crazy

"'cause I bought her a pager

"just to know

where she is all the time."

[quirky dramatic music]

- A lot of girls are going missing lately.

- That's right.

[toilet flushes] - ♪ Cha, cha, wow, watch me! ♪

[singing to self]

Hey, man, what's your problem?

- What? - We do this every time.

I try to turn the water on for you

and you turn it on instead.

I try to dry you off and you use the damn machine.

Look, I'm trying to work here.

Did I do something to you?

- No, man. I just don't need this.

- Well, I do!

- Look, you right. I'm just--

I'm just going through something right now, man.

- Look...

I can't help you if you don't let me in.

- [sighs] It's just...

everything's falling apart.

- You want some cologne?

- And I know it's my fault, but I--

- You want a condom?

- How did I get here?

- Most likely, you had a shit.

You was drinking straight bourbon all night

and that stuff will tear up your insides.

- It wasn't always like this.

[peaceful music] - [laughing]

- I know, right? [indistinct chatter]

- Can I start you off with some water?

- Uh, yeah, actually.

But with bourbon and no water. - [laughs]

You so silly.

So how do you know this place?

- I actually live right upstairs.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- You bring your dates here all the time, huh?

- Oh, no. No, no, no, no. That--

come on, that'd be gross. - Mm-hmm?

- Let me get myself out of this, uh...

what kind of guys do you date?

Do you date, like, rappers and ball players?

- Nah.

Why would you think that? - I don't know.

I just see you as somebody that's mad successful.

- I've gone on one date with a rich guy.

It was...interesting.

[laughter]

And so I had to walk home soaked in fruit pulp

- [laughing] Oh, no.

- And it wasn't even the actual Gallagher.

- [laughing] That is so funny.

- [chuckles]

- I like you. - Oh, good.

- Pardon me for being so forward,

but I'd like to go home with you.

- [chuckles] Whoa. Slow down, man.

We just got here.

- I want you badly.

Look, I know what you're thinking,

but I actually pride myself in the fact

I can make a woman climax with cunnilingus.

- What now? - Cunnilingus?

The art of performing oral sex?

- No, I got it. Where is this coming from?

- I know what you're thinking,

but I love everything about it. - Uh-uh.

- The taste, the aroma, the conquer.

I would devour you.

- The conquer? - I know what you're thinking,

but I never get tired down there.

I can do it all night long.

- Stop saying you know what I'm thinking.

- I'd like to enjoy your vagina

like I enjoy my cigarettes.

Right down to the butt.

- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

- Well, you did, you fuckin' creep.

- I apologize.

I don't go on a lot of first dates.

I know what you're thinking, but...

pretty girls like you don't go out with guys like me.

I'm sorry. I should leave.

- Hey, wait.

- Change your mind?

- So what about you? What kind of girls do you date?

- I know what you're thinking.

"Oh, this guy probably dates all the models

and actresses--" - No, I don't see that.

- Well, I mean, I have dated models before, but I--

- I see you with somebody, like, nerdy.

- Oh.

- You know, somebody that, like, gets your jokes.

- Oh. [chuckles] Oh, okay. - [laughs]

- I've never known a relationship was over first.

There's been so many times

I've been in a argument with a girl

where I thought everything was fine

and she was like, "This is fucking stagnant."

And then understand, "Oh, yeah. Right.

This is done."

- All right, Trash Niggas.

It's your chance to take the board.

Name one reason why these two shouldn't be together.

- He probably ain't tappin' her right, Steve.

- She belong to the streets, Steve.

- Yo mama belong to the streets.

- And she be slappin' the shit out of him.

- Hey.

- That was one time.

- Wish somebody would hit my ass.

- All right.

- All right, Mike. It's all on you.

Name one reason why you two shouldn't be together.

- Well, first of all, Steve, we should be together.

[audience groans] - Bitch-ass niggas.

- But I'ma go on my own... [dramatic music]

And say that she's being too dramatic.

- Good answer! [audience oohs and ahhs]

- Dramatic? - What?

- As usual.

You know how she--

- You sure you wanna go with that answer, son?

- [scoffs] You think I'm being dramatic?

- Yes. - After everything I just said,

after I pour my heart out to you

and tell you that I'm unhappy, you say I'm being dramatic?

- Okay, so now you're gonna start crying,

you're gonna flip out, hit me in my nose again,

make me out to be the bad guy, right?

This is why I don't say shit.

[piano music playing]

Oh, what? You're not gonna flip out?

- I can't put any more into this.

- So you're done?

- We're done.

- I thought you loved me.

- Michael, you don't even know how you wanna be loved.

♪ ♪

- I'll be right back.

[rhythmic clapping]

- Okay, son, it looks like you fuckin' up real bad.

- Yeah, it does. - Every time Grace tries

to make things right, you seem to make it worse.

- Yeah, I get that, I get that. - Get all these answers right,

maybe she'll see that you care about this relationship

and that she didn't waste her damn time with your dumb ass.

- Whoo! Let's go.

- I asked you, "Name a city

where Grace has always wanted you to take her."

You said...

[electronic chime]

That shit in Mexico...pass.

[audience exclaims softly] - Yeah.

I don't remember specifically.

I messed that one up, but I know it begins with a C.

I couldn't remember the exact--

- We were looking for a Tulum.

Tulum. - Tulum, Tulum.

- Don't sound like a damn C to me.

- By the sea.

- We asked you, "Name Grace's favorite singer."

You said...

that ugly dude with the six pack

and light eyes. Fuck. Pass.

- I don't remember his name. That's mostly right.

- I asked you, "What is Grace's zodiac sign?"

- Oh, my God. He don't know. - He don't know.

- [chuckling] Your ass said spring.

- I blanked. That was just, like, a brain fart.

- I asked you, "Name her favorite movie."

But honestly, it's not even on this card.

I just wanted you to get something right.

You know what your ass said? You said...

"Naked and Afraid."

[audience exclaiming softly] That's a goddamn TV show.

Just for fun, do you like that show?

- No, Steve.

- What? You always watch that show.

-You'realways watching it.

I just like to cuddle next to you.

[audience exclaiming] - Damn.

- So you see, kids, hoes can be anybody.

You think you're meeting someone nice,

but they're not nice.

They're hoes.

They act like they love you.

They don't love you. They only love themselves.

- Alexa, play something sad.

- Playing something sad.

[R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts"] - ♪ Everybody cries ♪

[moody acoustic guitar music] - [sighs]

♪ ♪

♪ Everybody hurts ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ Sometimes ♪ - ♪ Sometimes ♪

Come on, you know the words.

♪ ♪

- And they will use you and use you

till you don't have no more to give.

And they on to the next.

- ♪ Sometimes ♪

- So don't fall for any of they tricks.

Just say no to hoes.

So when you see a hoe, what are you gonna do?

all: Run!

- That's right. [children giggling]

As fast as you can.

- ♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Ho-- ♪ [notification chimes]

- Hey, Che.

- Oh, hey.

- Sorry I'm late.

- No, it's fine, it's fine. Sit down.

- I love this place. - Yes.

- Good job.

- You guys wanna order something?

- Um, I'll just take a water right now.

- I'll do a water as well.

But with bourbon and no water. - [laughs]

Funny. - It is funny.

See? It was funny. - Oh, he didn't feel it.

[funk music]

♪ ♪

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