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00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,008
-NARRATOR:
Imagine meeting yourself.
2
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,218
Who do you see?
3
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:12,304
♪♪
4
00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:28,738
♪♪
5
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:35,995
-It's wrong.
-What?
6
00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,747
-What?
7
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:39,457
Really. What?
8
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,917
Look, everything. All right?
Everything is wrong.
9
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,711
-Well, I read that
every reunion is different.
10
00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:44,879
-Don't call it that.
11
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,505
-What do you want me
to call it, Tom?
12
00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:48,382
-I don't know,
but it's not a reunion.
13
00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:50,342
-Mm...
-I shouldn't have called.
14
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,178
All right?
I should have never called.
15
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,971
-I wouldn't be here
if you hadn't called.
16
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,973
-That's what I'm saying.
17
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,475
My nose isn't...
18
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,686
I have a...
19
00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:01,937
And your neck!
20
00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:04,356
It's all, like,
fuckin' necky.
21
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,735
-We're identical, Tom.
22
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:11,113
You think this is easy for me,
to meet you for the first time?
23
00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:13,324
Well, fuckin' A,
it must be easy for you.
24
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,742
If you think you look like me,
25
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,369
it must be like winning
a fuckin' jackpot!
26
00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,289
-Oh, you're an asshole.
27
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,210
-You can't call me that.
-I just did, asshole.
28
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:27,213
-You... You can't do that.
All right?
29
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,423
There's... There's...
There's a user agreement.
30
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,175
It's not supposed to
be like this.
31
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:34,345
-Well, what'd you expect,
we'd blow each other?
32
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:39,767
-I saw one of these reunions
on the "Today Show." Okay?
33
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:44,522
A doctor told me about it,
said I should see it.
34
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:48,400
So I YouTube'd the damn thing
and... there she was.
35
00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,486
[liquid pouring]
36
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:53,614
National treasure, Hoda Kotb.
37
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:58,661
She had this old woman on.
Ovarian cancer. Her.
38
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,413
They brought out
the old woman's twin.
39
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:05,251
God, they were identical.
40
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,045
Carbon copy.
41
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,674
I mean... there were tears,
42
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,301
and they were holding hands.
43
00:02:14,385 --> 00:02:16,762
And no one could believe it,
I mean...
44
00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:19,932
her family was there
and they were just...
45
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:21,517
And it was all like...
46
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,231
That's why we're even here.
47
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,900
That's why I looked up
the website.
48
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,152
That's why I called
the customer care rep,
49
00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:36,240
paid the 30 grand and agreed
to wait six to eight weeks.
50
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,076
It's just all fuckin' wrong.
51
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,579
-Well, like I said,
every reunion is different.
52
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,205
-I said don't call it that.
53
00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:45,082
-What would you like
for me to call it, Tom?
54
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,459
-I don't know.
55
00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:49,545
A meeting,
a.a.a business meeting.
56
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,338
-Well, most of these
are done at home.
57
00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:53,048
-Well, I would never
let you near my family.
58
00:02:53,132 --> 00:02:54,842
[coughing]
59
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,903
[breathing heavily]
60
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:16,989
-Look, I'm sorry
Hoda Kotb isn't here.
61
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:18,449
-It's not about Hoda Kotb.
62
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:24,246
-This was never gonna be like
the "Today Show," Tom.
63
00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:27,875
And it's because the company
chose that old woman,
64
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:32,129
because she was sweet and kind,
65
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,632
and she was a good crier,
66
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:38,844
and she was from Akron, Ohio,
and she wasn't an asshole.
67
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,681
You are an asshole, Tom.
68
00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,726
And this is your nose,
and these are your eyes,
69
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:49,730
and your neck is
pretty fuckin' necky.
70
00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,399
I'm sorry to be the one to have
to tell you that, but it's true.
71
00:03:52,483 --> 00:03:55,819
-I didn't pay 30 grand
to be criticized like this.
72
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,196
I'm calling customer care.
73
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,948
-You know what that
could do to me?
74
00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:00,240
-Yes, I do.
75
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,037
Yes, returning customer.
76
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,914
-MAN: [on phone, indistinct]
77
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,999
-Yeah, hi, Bennett,
how are you?
78
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,835
My name is Tom Wykgowski.
79
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:14,380
Account number?
I don't have it.
80
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:16,715
Oh, I can just ask...
81
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:21,971
-MAN: Tom,
are you still there?
82
00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:23,806
Yeah, I'm still here.
83
00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:27,685
-854...
84
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:32,564
-854...
-33...
85
00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,775
-33...
-2...
86
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,402
-2...
-9.
87
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:37,528
-9.
88
00:04:39,822 --> 00:04:42,616
Yes. Okay.
Yes, hi, Bennett.
89
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:47,496
Yes, he came today. Right.
But I paid 30 grand for this...
90
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:51,625
[scoffs]
He looks nothing like me.
91
00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:52,751
All right, fine.
92
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:55,838
You know what?
Looks aside...
93
00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,631
He acts nothing like me,
Bennett.
94
00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,467
He's... He's petty,
he's sarcastic,
95
00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,261
and he's a fuckin' asshole.
96
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,596
No, Bennett,
I'm not an asshole.
97
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:05,931
-[chuckles]
98
00:05:06,015 --> 00:05:08,267
-You can look up my account
all you want...
99
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:10,936
Well, what's
an asshole quotient?
100
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,771
And how the hell am I a seven?
101
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:15,357
Mother... Look,
I want my fuckin' money back!
102
00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:17,735
I want a full refund.
That's right.
103
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,779
I'll drop him off at
the nearest packaging center...
104
00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:23,282
This is supposed to be
more like Hoda Kotb!
105
00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:27,995
-How'd that go, Tom?
106
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,540
-Well.
[coughing]
107
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:41,008
Look, the guy
from your company said
108
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:44,428
my asshole quotient is seven.
109
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:47,431
-You called your
daughter's friend a dipshit
110
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,391
two days ago over text
to your wife.
111
00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,978
-Well, Bailey is a dipshit.
-She's four, Tom.
112
00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:55,230
-[sighs] What other quotients
are there?
113
00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:58,442
-Anger is a six.
114
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,652
Sarcasm is an eight.
115
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:03,238
Fear is a nine.
116
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,115
-Who did you even talk to
about this?
117
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,742
-Your mom.
118
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:09,328
-You talked to my mom?
119
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,497
-And I had a lovely time.
120
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,082
-What did she say?
121
00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:14,792
-Well, she told me
all about you.
122
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,127
-What did she say?
-That's confidential.
123
00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,504
-Please.
124
00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:23,801
-She said you picked your nose
a lot as a kid.
125
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,471
She said you hated
her tuna casserole.
126
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,099
She said she once
walked in on you masturbating
127
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:32,184
to an episode of
the "Powerpuff Girls."
128
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,603
-That never happened.
129
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,647
-She said she's angry with you.
130
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,233
She doesn't know why
you haven't called her
131
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,776
in five months.
132
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,821
-Does she hate me?
133
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,906
-Why would she hate you?
-I don't know.
134
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,117
-Why would your mother hate you?
-'Cause I'm leaving.
135
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,624
-But you're not leaving.
136
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,044
-I am, though.
137
00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:00,462
-Tom, you're not leaving.
138
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:03,590
-I'm leaving.
139
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:07,970
Four to five months.
140
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:11,515
That's how long they said
I had left, right?
141
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,559
That's what they gave me.
-I know that.
142
00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,894
But your not leaving.
143
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:17,521
It's not your choice.
144
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,898
It has nothing to do with you.
145
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:23,026
Now, of course,
she doesn't hate you.
146
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,778
She loves you.
147
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,739
That's why she's angry
with you, she just...
148
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:29,158
wishes you would call.
149
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,996
Look, I know you.
150
00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:36,832
-You don't.
-I do.
151
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:39,168
Parts of you, at least.
152
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,586
And I know that
you're not gonna let
153
00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:43,463
30 grand go to waste.
154
00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:47,217
We don't have a lot of
time left together, Tom.
155
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:50,429
We only have about...
15 minutes.
156
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,975
And we have
a lot more to cover.
157
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:57,769
So...
158
00:07:57,853 --> 00:08:00,147
I think we should
get started, right?
159
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,440
-Fine.
160
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,775
-Okay.
161
00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:07,988
-The accounts
can all be accessed
162
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,115
through my computer.
-I know.
163
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,910
-So you need to make sure that
you're diversifying the fund.
164
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,787
-Class C-53 bonds at
a net rate divestment of
165
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,207
34.56 percent market cap.
166
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:20,500
I spent the morning
looking over your books.
167
00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,419
-You can't just...
168
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,547
That's 15 years of work.
169
00:08:25,631 --> 00:08:27,382
It took me 15 years
to build that.
170
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:32,262
-And it adds up to
a simple algorithm.
171
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:34,306
Just a simple code.
172
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,725
It's amazing what we
spend our time doing. Right?
173
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,268
[chuckles]
174
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,271
Tom, I've poured through
millions of your emails,
175
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:45,108
text messages, photos,
home videos, blog posts,
176
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:48,946
Twitter feeds,
pig vid stories,
177
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:52,282
but I need things that
can't be measured.
178
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:55,786
Or read.
Or viewed or seen.
179
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,330
I need things that
make you you.
180
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:01,750
Do you understand?
181
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,796
-I guess.
182
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:06,838
-Okay.
183
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,801
So, tell me about Kelly.
Where'd you two meet?
184
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,387
-You read my questionnaire,
you know where we met.
185
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,138
-It's not about where you met.
186
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:19,184
It's about how you tell me
where you met.
187
00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:21,436
What it sounds like
in your voice.
188
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,272
What I see in your eyes.
189
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,694
-We met through friends.
190
00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:31,697
We were both living in L.A.
and...
191
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,323
we went out on a date.
192
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,409
Like they used to do
in the old days.
193
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:38,495
We got together and...
194
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,957
kind of never got
"untogether."
195
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,750
-So what do I need to know
about Kelly?
196
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,377
-What kind of question
is that?
197
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,254
-The company gives us
a list of questions.
198
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,547
This is one of them.
199
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,841
What do I need to know
about Kelly?
200
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,968
-This is so stupid.
201
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,681
Okay.
202
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,975
What you need to know
about Kelly is...
203
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,273
she's allergic to meat.
204
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,483
-[chuckles]
-Which, if you ask her,
205
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:11,528
she'll tell you
that does not mean
206
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,530
she's a vegetarian.
207
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:18,952
She loves hamburgers and
pork chops, tenderloins.
208
00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:21,663
She just gets a nasty rash
afterwards.
209
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:24,082
-So, do I cook her
a steak dinner or not?
210
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,084
-[scoffs]
You're fucked either way.
211
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,586
-[chuckles]
212
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,048
What else?
213
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,719
-Kelly loves to sing.
214
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,265
But is so self-conscious
about it
215
00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:42,726
that she pretends she has
a terrible voice
216
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,644
and won't even try.
217
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:50,192
So you have to have Alexa
play show tunes
218
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:55,322
like "Music Man" or
"Oklahoma!",
219
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,783
"Guys And Dolls,"
220
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,827
anything with Doris Day
or Vera Lynn.
221
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:06,041
And then... [chuckles]
222
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:08,502
She won't be able to
help herself.
223
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:10,337
-[chuckles]
224
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,341
-It's so beautiful.
225
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,639
I'm gonna miss
hearing her sing.
226
00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:25,352
Gonna miss hearing
a lot of things.
227
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:34,194
Kelly is a great mom.
228
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,993
Like... a really great mom.
229
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:48,125
She can anticipate anything.
230
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,126
[sniffles]
231
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:52,504
And the kids love
being around her.
232
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:55,465
So you have to let her
give them their bath.
233
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,427
You have to let her
put 'em to bed.
234
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:04,474
You have to let her
read 'em their stories.
235
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:08,353
And don't get upset if they
ask for her when they wake up,
236
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:13,191
or if they ask for her
before they go to bed.
237
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,735
Because they still
love you. Me.
238
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,823
It's just different.
239
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,996
And I can't get mad because...
240
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,081
I would love her
more than me, too.
241
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,003
-Hm.
242
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,674
-I do love her more than me.
243
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:43,972
That's why I paid
the 30 grand.
244
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,349
[sniffles]
245
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,143
When we saw the thing...
246
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,689
Hoda Kotb was...
247
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:01,698
I just didn't want her
to be alone.
248
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:02,866
-Mm-hm.
249
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,162
-[chuckles]
250
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,208
Kelly farts, man.
251
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,667
[laughing]
252
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:15,003
God, she really does fart.
253
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,547
It's the silent ones.
Code red.
254
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,716
[laughing]
255
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,302
Those are the ones
you gotta watch out for.
256
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,429
Can you smell?
-Technically.
257
00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:27,807
-God. Then I apologize
ahead of time.
258
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:30,560
-[laughs]
259
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,270
-I'll even miss her farts.
260
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607
[both laughing]
261
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,362
-What about Wilder?
262
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,197
-Wilder.
-Mm-hm.
263
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,741
-My boy.
264
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,701
Wilder is a genius.
265
00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:50,997
Like, he... he's really smart.
266
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:54,334
Now, you know how every parent
thinks their kid is a g...
267
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,961
Well, you don't know,
but every parent thinks
268
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:57,337
their kid is a genius,
269
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,839
but Wilder really is,
I mean, he's...
270
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:03,802
He's a genius.
271
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,764
He's really kind.
272
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:11,851
So kind.
273
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,232
And he loves
not knowing things,
274
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:20,735
which is really hard
because he's a genius.
275
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:23,488
But he loves it.
276
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:27,075
Because he loves
discovering new things.
277
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:30,620
He'll go down
a Wikipedia worm hole
278
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,122
for a week,
279
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:37,794
and become an expert on
the most random things.
280
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,298
Pez dispensers
and Micronesia.
281
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:50,932
Or lymphoma.
282
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:58,189
And he loves playing with
his action figures,
283
00:14:58,273 --> 00:14:59,608
making stories up,
284
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:03,278
and I... I love watching him.
285
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,238
But he gets embarrassed
if he knows...
286
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:08,325
if he knows I'm there, so...
287
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,784
I can't let him know.
288
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,415
Sometimes,
when he knows I'm there,
289
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:20,462
he'll call the figures
Dad and Wilder,
290
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:24,549
and he'll make 'em go on
these incredible journeys,
291
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:29,888
these incredible...
incredible adventures,
292
00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:32,474
all because he knows
I'm watching,
293
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:35,477
and he knows
it makes me so happy.
294
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:38,730
-I don't know, Tom.
295
00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:42,692
I don't know that
he knows you're watching.
296
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,736
I think he just does that.
297
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,240
-[sniffles]
Yeah.
298
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:54,204
He loves when I get him
Rocky Road ice cream
299
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,706
from Carvel.
[chuckles]
300
00:15:56,790 --> 00:16:00,877
And he hates when I'm
on the phone for work.
301
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,340
I'm on the phone too much.
302
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,176
-So I'll be on the phone
too much.
303
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,260
-No.
304
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,559
He'll be really strong
for Kelly and Peg.
305
00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,816
-And Peg.
306
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,859
-[chuckles]
307
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,948
Peg.
308
00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:33,368
She's the boss, man.
She's the commander in chief.
309
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:37,747
My little girl, the... the...
the queen of the castle.
310
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,165
And tough as nails.
311
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,503
I remember when the adoption
agency brought her home,
312
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:48,842
and I held her in my arms,
this... this little creature.
313
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,094
I held her in my arms, man.
314
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,974
And that little heartbeat
315
00:16:56,057 --> 00:17:00,645
told me everything
I needed to know;
316
00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:03,273
all the secrets,
all the instructions,
317
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,943
and from then on...
[chuckles]
318
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,069
She's like me.
319
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,702
For better or for worse,
320
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,036
she's a little me.
321
00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:22,792
[laughing]
322
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,295
Peg won't go to bed
323
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:31,718
unless you give her
three kisses on her cheek...
324
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:36,306
two kisses on her forehead...
325
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,433
and one little kiss
on her nose.
326
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:46,149
And Peg's not scared
of anything.
327
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:51,613
Which sounds like what you'd
want from your kids,
328
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,490
but what you actually want
is for your kids
329
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,159
to be scared of certain things.
330
00:17:56,242 --> 00:18:00,914
Like raccoons by the trashcan
or a hot stove or...
331
00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,250
speeding cars
or heights and...
332
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:08,463
you just can't let her
out of your sight.
333
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:09,589
Ever.
334
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,224
Which seems like a task but...
335
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:26,231
now... I wish...
336
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:29,776
-You'll never have to let her
out of your sight again.
337
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:33,947
-Oh. And me and Peg have this...
this secret handshake.
338
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,658
So it's...
339
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,621
One, two, three.
340
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:44,624
One, two. One.
341
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,627
You got it?
342
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:48,795
Okay, faster.
343
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:54,676
[chuckling]
344
00:18:57,262 --> 00:18:58,346
Yeah.
345
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:05,103
-Well, it sounds nice.
346
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,565
-What's that?
347
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,400
-Being here.
348
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:14,445
Being you,
just... being.
349
00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,572
-Yeah.
350
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:18,408
It's nice.
351
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:23,121
Sometimes hard.
352
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,541
But I guess it beats
the alternative, right?
353
00:19:30,753 --> 00:19:32,672
-Tom.
354
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,883
-Yeah, Tom?
355
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,175
-I'm glad you're here.
356
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:41,514
I'm happy that you...
you get to be.
357
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,105
-I'm nervous.
-About what?
358
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,859
-Well, that I won't be
just like you.
359
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,862
That I'm gonna be
imperfect or...
360
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:57,405
gonna do something wrong.
361
00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:00,199
-Then you'll be just like me.
362
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:06,205
Shit, I'm nervous, too.
363
00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:07,749
-About what?
364
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:11,002
-That you'll be just like me.
365
00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,921
-I don't understand.
366
00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,548
-Yeah, and then they'll
forget about me.
367
00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:18,301
-They'll never forget you.
368
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:21,262
-How do you know?
369
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:25,642
-Because I'll make sure that
I won't be just like you;
370
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,645
that when Peg asks for
a kiss goodnight,
371
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:32,357
I'll give her two kisses on
the cheek instead of three.
372
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,902
And when Wilder
asks for Carvel,
373
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,363
I'll bring him
Cookies and Cream
374
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:40,990
instead of Rocky Road.
-[chuckles]
375
00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:44,994
-And when Kelly farts loudly,
376
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:46,537
I'll call it a code red
377
00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:49,082
that just for a moment...
-[chuckling]
378
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,544
-They'll remember.
379
00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:56,839
And I might look like you,
sound like you,
380
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:59,258
feel like you, but...
381
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,637
I'm not you.
382
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:05,098
Never will be.
383
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,434
I never could be.
384
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:13,064
-But what if...
what if they send you back?
385
00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:15,066
What if they say
there's an error,
386
00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:16,776
and they have to send
a new you,
387
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,987
and you have to teach him
how to be Tom?
388
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:22,156
-Yeah, but I still would have
been Kelly's husband.
389
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:27,328
I still would have been
Wilder and Peg's dad.
390
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,915
I still would have been.
391
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,960
For a little while.
392
00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:39,424
-And you know...
You know what else?
393
00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:41,467
You know what I realize?
394
00:21:41,551 --> 00:21:42,885
-What's that, Tom?
395
00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:47,807
-You're the luckiest man
in the world.
396
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:53,563
-Well, that makes you...
-That's right.
397
00:21:54,439 --> 00:21:55,481
I think I am.
398
00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:03,322
-We're out of time, Tom.
399
00:22:03,406 --> 00:22:06,993
-Yeah, I've been hearing that
a lot lately.
400
00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,995
-Anything else
you want to add?
401
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,872
-Everything.
402
00:22:10,955 --> 00:22:13,791
I want to add... everything.
403
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:18,838
But there isn't time,
is there?
404
00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:25,219
See?
405
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,639
This is what I imagined.
406
00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:30,516
[chuckling]
407
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,770
When I saw the Hoda Kotb thing,
when I called...
408
00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:37,690
This feels right.
409
00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:44,655
-Tom.
410
00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:46,032
-Yeah.
411
00:22:47,617 --> 00:22:50,078
-I'm sorry I called you
an asshole.
412
00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:52,246
-I am an asshole.
413
00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:55,500
-No. You're just a person.
414
00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:56,959
A human being.
415
00:22:58,294 --> 00:23:01,881
That isn't always easy.
And that's okay.
416
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,259
-And, Tom.
-Yeah.
417
00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:08,179
-I'm glad I got you.
418
00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:12,433
I mean, I'm glad I'm you.
419
00:23:14,102 --> 00:23:15,144
-Me, too.
420
00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:19,774
Me, too.
421
00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:27,949
♪♪
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