Original subtitles

...stupid crush on your boss at work!

I gonna repeat this one more goddamn time!

I don't have a crush on my boss at work.

Oh, really? Really!

I can't write a decent cover story

without at least $1,000 for expenses.

I told you what the managing editor said.

Your loss.

I already have a headline picked out.

"Napa in Autumn. A little crush, a little lush."

It's not in the budget.

Budget is a state of mind.

We're not paying for another extravagant trip.

We practically had to cancel Christmas bonuses...

Louise, you're crushing me.

I hope you're reporting's better than your puns.

How much did Travel Times make on that last spread on Bermuda?

Oh, writing exposés now?

The PR rep at the Bermuda Paradise Hotel

said my article increased occupancy 10%.

What's your point?

And... I think you get my point, sweetie.

Look, that hotel advertised in two issues.

It must be a nice profit.

Section editors aren't informed of advertising revenue.

Well, maybe you should check.

How much do you want?

Two grand.

This isn't Condé Nast.

Take some out of Carl's expenses.

You can tell him that nobody reads

his overwritten, pretentious puff pieces.

You got a point there.

Come on, baby.

Daddy needs a mud bath...

and I ain't going to no second-class joint.

I'll see what I can do.

Thanks, honey.

You know, you and I should take a trip together sometime, huh, hot stuff?

I'll call you back.

I have neighbors, you know.

Oh. The coffee!

I'm sorry.

"Golden Valley Spa.

"A stylish, tranquil, magical oasis

where couples can enjoy mud baths in privacy."

Are you and Maggie a couple?

Yeah. I'm a secret heterosexual.

Doesn't say much for your taste.

Why do you have to be so mean?

She's not a supermodel.

A little threatened?

Please.

I know, I'm early.

But Nicholas was bugging the shit out of me.

I had to...

Hi, Milo.

Hey.

I thought we'd beat the traffic.

Good. I'm not quite ready, so just give me a second.

Sounds like a fun trip you have planned.

Yeah. Cool gig, huh? All expenses paid.

Pretty great.

How's the old jobby hunt?

Fine.

You know, if you need any help,

I've had stuff published all over the place.

I know a lot of editors who are looking for assistants.

They actually edit that stuff you write?

My section sells more advertising than any other in the paper.

So if you need a hand, you know,

they're always looking for support staff.

I'm looking to get into something

a little more politically oriented

than "Beer and Clothing in Las Vegas."

Ah, but politics doesn't pay.

Take care of my girl this weekend.

Don't worry.

I always take care of our girl.

Nice ass.

Oh, you look great.

Thank you.

Yeah, your...

hair and everything looks really good.

Thanks. Ready? Yep.

Don't forget your sun screen.

You always forget it and then you complain

about having to buy a new bottle.

Thanks, baby.

Bye, Milo. See you Monday.

See ya.

Good! The sun!

I feel like I've been in a dungeon for, like, 300 years.

Wait 'til you see Napa.

All that open air and reflected light.

Have you picked out some vineyards?

I have a whole itinerary,

so no dawdling in San Francisco tomorrow.

Remember that this is a work trip.

Like your work's gonna take up that much time.

I mean, how many actual hours did you commit to Yosemite

in "No Cares Except The Bears?"

I'll earn more than you do in a week.

Selling out sure does pay.

Bitch.

Save it for tonight. Our own hotel room.

I don't think I can.

The taste of another man on you gets me hot.

Don't get too excited, stallion.

The tortured intellectual's still having trouble getting it up.

So what's Milo so tortured about?

Oh, he's bitching about his father mostly,

and world politics as always.

Name it, and it's driving him

to the brink of moral and ethical insanity.

This morning he said that I was too, uh, sexually aggressive.

Huh. You don't sound so proud, missy.

See, you just try and get the jump.

The jump?

Yeah, you try and get the jump

so that men don't have time to reject you.

It's not aggression purely, it's...

insecurity.

So, strong women make you uncomfortable, huh, baby?

Hell no.

I like my women aggressive

and my men passive.

What do you think that means?

It means you're deluded.

I wish that you would help Milo find a job.

I mean, you know people everywhere.

I offered, but I guess he's too busy dreaming about the labor movement.

Do you want some?

No, thanks.

Watching your figure?

Well, you wouldn't like it if I turned into an 800-pound blimpo,

would you?

Music?

What, musicals and contemporary pop?

No thanks.

And some rock and reggae.

One think you should know about traveling with me,

I'm in charge of all the details.

Okay.

¶ Once in the spring of my 24th year ¶

¶ I had nothin' to say ¶

¶ With a danglin' promise, a terrible past ¶

¶ I threw all the words away ¶

¶ We were born to hum ¶

¶ You were the last in my 24th year ¶

¶ To make a demand of my voice ¶

¶ I tickled your ear and I laughed in your face ¶

¶ I gave you my choice ¶

¶ We were born to hum ¶

¶ We were born to hum ¶

¶ Hum ¶

¶ So as a gradual running, a kind of relief ¶

¶ Settles on my face ¶

¶ Once in a while I complain to myself ¶

¶ Nothin' gets done ¶

¶ Nothing's in place ¶

¶ I... ¶

Look this way, earth mother.

¶ I would rather hum ¶

My glamour shot, please.

¶ I, I would rather hum ¶

¶ Hum ¶

¶ Hum ¶

¶ Hum ¶

We're right outside of Bishop.

"Home of the Annual Mule Day Ceremony."

That does not really exist.

No, I swear.

"700 mules will compete

in 169 events in the nation's premiere mule show."

This country is so bizarre.

Shall we stop off, check it out?

Sure.

Salt of the earth. My kind of people.

Yeah, right.

Plus, I gotta pee.

What, another bathroom break?

Yeah. You're not pregnant, are you?

It's just the coffee cycling through.

Thank God. Pregnant women?

Mmhh. Aliens growin' inside them?

It is a little Animal Kingdom.

I know.

You and I would have beautiful, amazing children. Don't you think?

Yeah.

So you'll be my egg machine.

Well, you'll have to pay me.

How much?

A million dollars.

A million bucks?

Ha! How about a hundred?

Well, knowing your penchant for dating young men,

I don't know if I'd trust you around our teenage son.

Look, just because I like dudes

doesn't mean that I'm a child molester.

Well, you'll find a nice, mature,

older man to settle down with.

Yeah, right.

Homos... they just like sleeping around

like horny little teenagers.

Your bed's never empty. Stop being so judgmental.

What? But guys, they...

they look at you in the morning

like they've made a mistake. You know?

Like you're too fat or too small or something.

You know? There's always some issue.

I know the feeling.

Which one? That one? Yeah.

That one? Right here?

Yes. Here? Aaahh!

Whoo! How are you supposed to tell?

They all look alike.

Sorry. I think it's a little further down.

This is peaceful.

I can see myself living here.

Mmm, like a Jew in the West Bank.

Huh. Or a Mormon at the Mustang Ranch.

I only got one thing to add to that.

Maya Angelou at a D.A.R. meeting.

There.

God.

I would've loved to have done it with Joe.

Me, too. Just thinking about him makes me quiver.

You played it so wrong with him.

I know. I should never introduce guys

that I'm serious about to my girlfriends.

Idiot Joe. Passed on the ideal woman

for her inferior friend.

The ideal woman. Right.

It's true. I mean, you're beautiful,

ravenous, sexual, luxurious, brilliant...

No arguments here.

...liberated, hot,

criminal, wet.

The sad thing is,

flirting with you is more satisfying

than having sex with Milo.

You make your bed and you lie in it... baby.

Maggie?

Hey! Joe!

Hey! Maggie!

Hey! Joe.

It's good to see you.

Nathan. Brother. It's been a while. How you doin'?

Good. How you doin'? All right. Carla!

Get out here! The big city kids are here!

You guys make good time?

Yeah. The drive was nice. Good.

All right!

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, look at you. Look at this place.

Nathan,

you're looking well, as always.

Carla, elegant, as always.

It's nice, isn't it?

Well, come help me finish the casserole.

You boys go play out in the back.

Honey, you gotta chop the vegetables

into smaller pieces. They're not gonna cook.

So, what do you guys do out here?

Stay home, mostly.

How American Gothic.

Are you... still involved with Nathan?

You don't approve of Nathan.

What if Milo found out?

I mean, he's so... reliable and...

caring and... He's gonna be a really great dad.

I know. I... wish I could have it all in one person.

Well, it'd be horrible to lose him.

And with Nathan, you know, you...

just can't change the unchangeable.

Hey, no. Not... Not in the house.

And especially not in the kitchen.

Sorry. This whole, uh, home on the range thing

makes me want to smoke.

Do you miss L.A.?

Carla doesn't like the city.

I miss my buddies, goin' out.

Meeting women.

Yeah, sometimes.

Exactly how long has the affair been going on?

Um... six months, on and off.

Oh. You know,

some people might consider that a little slutty.

You know, I'd probably think the same thing, but...

But... what?

Well, it's...

It's actually just really innocent.

It's sort of child-like and hedonistic

somehow at the same time.

How does he explain the whole... gay thing?

Nathan's one of those 70/30 gays.

Bisexuality is just one stop

on the road to Gayville.

Say you wanted to get a... back massage

or a... neck massage...

from a female friend.

Even a buddy.

Would Carla mind?

Fidelity is somethin' you're never gonna have to worry about.

That's actually one of the things I envy about the whole gay thing.

I mean, think about it.

All guys want to have sex. Right?

Gay guys want to have sex with guys.

Sex all the time? Sounds like one big party to me.

That and... and you don't have to listen to a woman

stand there and nag at you and bitch at you all day long.

Very true.

And there are some... other advantages.

You mean like, uh...

...you don't mean back there.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's like... the greatest come you've ever had.

Really.

Totally.

Now, you should... get Carla a strap-on.

Yeah. Carla'd never go for that.

Or at least get her to put her finger up there.

Yeah. Look. I've tried. Okay?

Uh, Carla's a little uptight.

Why? It's just a hole.

I mean, you put your finger in her hole.

Seems like a double standard to me.

It's relaxing here.

Like a sedative.

I've never been happier in my whole life.

I mean, I don't miss L.A. for one second.

Come on. Live a little, cowgirl.

I'm perfectly happy living the way that I'm living...

with my 100% man.

You know, this... this barn reminds me of a place

I used to go visit every summer when I was a kid.

We used to get into so much trouble.

Boys will be boys.

I got caught having a circle jerk once.

Well, when you're growin' up, it's nice to see what the other guys got.

Did you ever do anything like that?

Wouldn't mean anything if I did.

Okay, yeah. One time.

One time in my fraternity. Big deal.

So what? So, nothing.

I mean, it's... it's a good thing.

Well, my experience was more of a bonding thing, you know.

Like, a good friend of mine.

Did you learn any new techniques?

Only one way I know about.

Dude, you're limiting yourself.

I mean, there's a million ways. There's,

uh, sack in the hand, poppin' the cork, uh, the igloo.

The igloo?

You put an ice cube in your hand

right before you come. Mmm.

Shut up.

I'm serious.

There's tons of unexplored territory.

Yeah, I guess there would be.

What? If you're concerned about your size of something,

it's no big deal. No. No. No.

I'm not... I'm not worried about my size.

It's, um...

It's just, uh...

What?

Carla.

Just 'cause she's not here doesn't make it okay.

Plus, you know...

...she finds out everything.

Dude.

You've got the rest of your life to do it by yourself.

Dude, this is so fucked up.

Oh, it's no big deal deal, man.

Jesus.

You know, I think I've had just a little bit too much to drink.

Let me show you the bathroom in case you have to puke.

I don't think I'm gonna puke.

Thank God.

One time I had this guy here.

Had a lot to drink, but I thought he was all right.

So about an hour into it, he just

let it all go... all over my pretty rug.

Took the rug cleaners...

cost, like, 500 bucks, and...

look. You can still see the stain.

Mmm...

Why am I so worried about the rug, anyway?

You're hot.

I'm always obsessing about the wrong things.

Like, I should just focus on the target.

Focus on the target.

Wow.

Told you.

Listen, don't tell Maggie. Okay?

This is just between us.

I think lunch is ready.

Mmm.

Great having you guys here.

Mmm. I'm so relaxed.

Almost sleepy.

So, where you guys stayin' tonight?

We're heading up to San Francisco for the night.

Party time.

Easy there.

Did you have a good nap? Any dreams?

Mm-hmm.

I was an old woman.

But I was living in Carla's house.

Was it a good dream or a nightmare?

Kind of pleasant, actually.

Would you like to live out there like her?

Maybe.

She has everything so together,

and I just feel like such a mess.

Oh, you're not a mess.

Well, no one's, uh, sending me out

for the weekend on a business trip.

It's not like I'm actually proud of this job.

Hey, it's a career. I wish I had a career...

or a husband or something.

Maybe Carla could give you lessons

on the art of domesticity.

Yeah. Traditions

and expectations of a woman.

She'd know. Jesus.

Were you married to Joe in the dream?

I sensed that I was married,

but I didn't know who it was. Hmm.

I had a dream that we were married a few days ago.

Really?

Yeah.

We had two kids. We were lyin'

by the fire, all quiet.

How come you didn't tell me about this?

Just now remembered it.

Maybe my... subconscious, you know,

can't accept the fact that you're gonna marry some other guy

and I'll be invited over once a month

for barbecues.

I can't even be faithful to my boyfriend.

I don't think I'm getting married anytime soon.

What a disaster.

That's for you.

I was gonna wait till tonight, but...

you know, now seems more appropriate.

To celebrate our first trip together.

I love this. Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, how close are we

to the, uh, land of trolleys and, uh, Victorian paint jobs?

Mmm, about an hour.

Perfect timing.

You gonna be okay to drive?

Mmm. I'll be excellent.

Mm-hmm.

Stop.

I can't park my fingers in your golden gate?

No.

You don't like having sex with me anymore?

You know that's not true.

I just don't want to get arrested

for public indecency.

Oh, come on. Only cholos and hustlers

get arrested for having sex outside.

No. My friend Roxie got a ticket once in New York.

Are we in San Francisco,

the city of love?

Why are you so frisky?

I don't know. The thought

of having sex on the beach gets me excited.

Sex outdoors is such a guy thing.

Mmm..

It's better with you

when it's spontaneous.

It's not the spontaneity that makes it good.

It's the fact that it's cheating.

This may be your only chance.

You gonna get me to a nunnery?

Maybe... if you start taking it for granted.

Baby.

So, do you have...

any other fantasies about me...

other than doing it right now on the beach?

Oh, nah. That was most of it.

Great.

It's nothing personal.

It's just that...

mostly my fantasies involve surfers and grungy rocker dudes.

Fetishizing straight guys.

That's so constructive.

Mmm, they're not straight.

They're ambiguous.

I convert them.

How do you do that?

I read them something I wrote.

Then we make out.

So it's all about making them okay with doing it with guys?

Yeah.

Since we're not gonna do it here on the beach,

what are your fantasies?

I...daydream about us sometimes.

Candlelight dinners and...

eating berries and romance.

An endless stream of now.

"Now"?

Is it right now?

Nathan.

Sorry.

Mmm...

Mmm...

You have such smooth skin.

You're like a little boy. Mmm?

When I was a little boy, they used to call me the kissing monster.

Why?

I used to... run around the schoolyard

tryin' to kiss the girls.

Mmm. This one year for Halloween,

my mom made me a kissing monster costume.

It was... It was a white T-shirt

with hearts and the word "kiss"

in red ink on it.

So the, uh, kissing monster

has turned into the...

...fucking monster.

Is it this good when you and Nicholas do it?

Not in the same way.

Then why are you even with him?

Oh. He fills a biological imperative.

That sounds intimate.

Well... it's intense.

Not intimate per se.

You should be with somebody who's

intense... and intimate.

Like you.

Mmm. There'd be lots of upsides.

I could give you hot kisses in public.

I could introduce you to my parents.

We could have... deep, stimulating conversations

all hours of the day.

So, what are the downsides?

There are none.

I'd rather be straight.

So, is it just about the sex?

I'd say that's 90% of it.

So it bothers you

that I'm not into giving blowjobs.

If it were only that simple.

Would you like

for me to give you

more blowjobs?

Damn, woman.

You don't even like the words in your mouth.

No. I can adapt sexually.

I slept with a woman in college.

What? You slept with a woman?

I told you about Ellen, the teacher's assistant.

No. Tell me.

She was young...

but still this amazing earth mother goddess.

I really loved her, too.

It worked for a while, and it was great, actually.

What worked?

Well, the orgasms, for one thing.

How'd it end?

She wanted to be more public.

Just wasn't me.

But if I knew then what I know now,

I'd have stuck it out.

Where was Milo?

This was during the Somalian airlift phase.

God, I had no idea.

Well, there was a Maggie before Nathan.

Uh, seriously...

it's not about blowjobs, baby.

And it's like sometimes when I'm with you,

I'm out of place.

Every now and then...

my mind drifts off, and...

...oh, there I go,

thinking about surfers with issues again.

I don't care who you think about.

Mmm... I would if I were you.

No, it's a compromise.

Why would you compromise?

Because we make...

Mmm-muh... each other happy.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Eventually you'd want me to stop sleeping with men.

Mmm...

Slow down.

Ohh...

Is it something I'm doing, or...

not doing? No.

'Cause, like...

Look, I don't want you

to turn this into a whole thing. Okay?

Look, you're the one who's turning this into a whole thing.

I'm just lying here like a damn saint.

You're really forceful lately.

I should be the forceful one.

Oh, wait. Here's the problem with that.

You're not.

Well... you're like zero to 60 in 6.5 seconds.

Just...

I miss...

making out in bathrooms

and in cars or wherever.

Hey, this is nice.

You, uh... You make it seem

like love is something you earn

through hard work.

You've never had to work to earn anything with me.

You always just had it.

How was I supposed to know that?

Tell me you think I'm sexy.

Are you kidding?

Mmm...

Can't we just snuggle?

We did it, like, an hour ago.

Isn't that enough time to recharge?

Uhh...

You excited to spend the weekend with your girl?

I guess so.

Why? What kind of trouble are you getting into?

Probably hit the town with my crew.

Ogling boys in bars?

You could cancel your trip.

How about I get the paper to pay for us all to go?

An exclusive:

"Fags Hit the Freeway."

Oh, why do you have to be so mean?

I just... don't have anything in common

with your friends.

¶¶

¶ All you mothers on the floor ¶

¶ One... two ¶

¶ One, two ¶

Oooh!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Whoo!

Look in thy glass

and tell the face thou viewest.

Now is the time that face should form another.

One, two.

One, two, like a duck.

Whoo! Whoo, whoo!

Ha ha!

Aah!

...now thou not renewest,

thou dost beguile the world,

unbless some mother.

For where is she so fair...

One... two.

One, two, like a duck.

Aaaahhh!

Daddy likes to ride.

Whoo! Daddy likes to ride.

Down, two, three. Up.

...and she in thee calls back

the lovely April of her prime.

This is not on the map.

We're off the beaten path, baby.

The real Napa.

This is probably the Bates Vineyard.

Norman!

I hear the locals love it.

...tillage of thy husbandry.

For who is he,

so fond will be the tomb of his self-love,

to stop posterity?

Thou art thy mother's glass...

One... two. One...

¶¶

Hey. Hi.

Hi there. Hi.

Buena día.

Hello.

Two? Please.

Start you off with some whites today?

Wonderful.

So, where do you

lovely young folks hail from?

Los Angeles.

Kind of a...

romantic rendezvous, huh?

He's working on a newspaper story.

Really!

You look a little young

to be a hard-hittin' journalist.

Not so hard-hitting.

More the Teflon variety. But the pay is good.

Well, I do hope you mention us.

And me. You know...

this is one of the last family-owned wineries in this valley.

Corporate winery sort of defeats the purpose.

Yeah. You get no argument from me.

You the photographer?

Oh, I'm just here for the ride.

Oh, then this isn't just a working weekend, is it?

You dog, you.

No.

This your first trip together?

Oh, no. We've been married for some time now.

Really. Married. Yep.

That's wonderful. 'Tis, 'tis.

Any kids?

Mmm. Not yet.

Oh. You thinkin' about it?

Oh, yeah.

Not for a couple years, though.

Bet the grandparents can hardly wait, huh?

Oh, we're just, uh, waiting till we get settled

into the new house and we're a little more financially stable.

Oh, don't worry. You folks are young.

You have a lot of time.

To build up my tolerance for pain?

You don't have anything to worry about.

Listen, you have... hips, uh, made for childbearing,

just like my wife.

Thanks.

You're pretty hippy

there yourself, buddy.

Oh. Yeah.

Thank you.

This stuff is great.

After being filtered,

the wines are poured

into these stainless-steel vats.

Thanks for defending me back there.

Ha! Nosy bugger. He had it coming.

There is a refrigeration system

that maintains a steady low temperature.

Stop it. You're being rude.

"Stop it."

Where are you going?

Maybe I should consider a career as a winemaker.

Winemaking involves manual labor.

Someone else can do that part.

I'll be the proprietress

and drink samples all day long.

Now you're speakin' my language.

Oh, let's go back.

I wanna learn more about my future profession.

Come on, stud.

I'm ready to stop talking about it

and start guzzling it.

What do you say we head back to the tasting rooms?

But then we'll miss all the facts.

Plus that tour guide had character.

He's kinda like the Liberace of wine country.

Make a great interview subject.

Yeah... for the Pink Triangle Gazette.

Hate it when you get all judgmental like this.

Self-parodying freak.

Nathan's homophobia's flaring up again.

Whatever you say...

my hag. Don't do that.

Don't kiss me like that. It's patronizing,

like how you'd kiss your mother.

That's impossible. I don't kiss my mother.

Well, with a son like you, I think she's earned it.

I used to kiss her. But now there's this weird tension between us,

ever since I told her she could give Granny's bassinet

to the Goodwill.

Maybe she didn't understand what that meant.

Oh, she did.

Well, maybe you should be more specific.

I tried once. She immediately segued

into this movie that she saw about a gay Australian wedding.

Well, at least it's a start.

It's so humiliating.

Why don't you tell her that that bothers you?

What should I say?

That you have pride.

You know how I feel about pride parades and phallus floats

and oiled-up torsos.

Puh-lease. You are just as gay as any other gay.

I'm not as loud about it.

You have your own Oscar Wilde way.

Whatever.

Look, I... I'm gonna join the tour again.

Are you coming?

Nah. Meet me in the restaurant when it's over.

Fine.

And as the great Galileo once noted,

"Wine is sunlight

held together by water."

Have a wonderful afternoon.

And don't forget to buy a bottle.

Italian women are so fuckin' ready all the time,

if you can deal with the Catholic thing.

We're covered.

I was covering the millennium stuff over in Rome.

God, you should have seen the shit that was going on.

Yeah, I'd love to go to Italy, man.

Maggita!

Back from her tour.

How was it?

Splendid.

You want a drink?

Sure.

Bring us something perfect.

A large Pinot to suck on?

No. Actually, bring us

two glasses of your Sauvignon Blanc.

All right. Sounds good, Nate.

Are you sure you don't want a bottle, then?

Oh, what the hell? Bring on the bottle, bro.

You got it.

You like it when I order for you, baby?

Very manly. There's nothing homo about you. Bravo.

Ahh.

What kind of party do you suppose he's into?

He's your friend. "Bring on the bottle, bro."

Who do you think you're fooling?

Procure him for me?

Why don't you read him something you wrote, Tennessee?

Here you go, guys.

Mmm. Excellent.

I hope you enjoy it.

Like a wine I once tasted in Prague.

You really have been everywhere, huh?

All over the world.

That's awesome.

So, uh, you guys know what you want yet, or...

Uh... definitely. I will have the... fettuccini special.

The grilled chicken sandwich, please. Great.

We'll have that right out for you. Thanks a lot.

Thanks, dude.

He likes me. We have a connection.

Yeah, the rainbow connection.

What he's got you have not.

Oh, save it for the busboy.

Picking up waiters in restaurants.

What would your mother say?

Will you stop probing me about her?

Must be exhausting, keeping all those façades pumpin' along.

It's the best writing you do.

Let's make a deal.

You work your wiles with this waiter,

and... I won't tell Carla

that I fucked Joe in the barn.

What?

"What?"

W-What... What did you just say?

Joe and I had a little pre-lunch whack session.

You know, for his build, I must say I was a little disappointed.

You're full of shit.

It happened. In the barn with the other animals.

Don't be jealous.

I'm not jealous. I'm pissed.

If Carla finds out, our friendship's over.

Like, Joe's gonna tell Carla.

Real likely.

Was he drunk?

Nope. I thought you'd be happy.

You know, get one over on Carla,

find out what it's like to be with Joe.

Okay, just stop for a minute. Let me...

Let me process this.

Come on.

There's a certain part of you

that wants Carla to find out,

knock that bitch off her high horse.

No. You being a slut does nothing for my image.

So you don't want Carla to find out.

No! Definitely... Definitely not.

Well, then help me sack this waiter.

Is this what they call "acting out"?

I don't know what you mean.

Something about a serial need to seduce people reeks

of self-loathing.

I'm sorry that married men and waiters

aren't after your sorry ass. Meaningless, anonymous sex

really isn't my thing.

Oh, how convenient. You're not the type

people have anonymous sex with.

I'll be back.

Maggie.

I'm not gonna say anything to Carla.

Nick's house. Leave a message.

Is there any drug better than nicotine?

None that I can think of.

May I bum one?

You'll have to pay me for it.

How much?

Hundred dollars.

Huh. Hundred dollars? How about a buck, baby?

You're gonna have to make it worth my while.

I write for a travel magazine.

Anyplace you'd like to visit?

Paris. 1920. A bohemian café.

You'd have to hand over the whole pack for that one.

Can you throw in a trip to Florence,

uh, circa the, uh, Renaissance?

Done.

Now, pass one over.

Whatever would my boyfriend say

about me visiting the Medicis with another man?

Well, when you meet a fellow time-traveling adventurer,

you gotta make your move.

So, what do you do

when you're not profiteering off cigarettes?

I'm an assassin.

Ooh.

Really.

We're planning a coup d'état.

In case you ever plan on meeting the Medicis...

Travel Times.

I bet that impresses most people.

Only one way to find out.

We'll see. If not...

...we'll always have Paris.

Would you have brought me if you weren't writing an article?

If the only reason was just to... be with me?

Funny thing about my job

is that I don't like traveling all that much.

Will you look me straight in the face,

in my eyes, and tell me

that we have a future together?

Yes. What is it?

Look, do you have any more chocolate in your bag?

I've got a deadline, and I need some sugar.

I... I heard a quote back on the tour after you left.

"Wine is like sunlight held together by water." That's what we are...

beautiful and glamorous and warm and life-giving

and... it could fall apart at any second.

I just want to know how you really feel about this whole thing.

I might not feel exactly the same way, but...

...it's like...

profound affection.

You don't give a girl romantic jewelry

when you're just affectionate with her, Nathan.

Just like you don't have sex with a girl

when... when you're just affectionate with her.

I'm in love with you.

Well, what do you want me to say, that "I'm in love with you. Marry me"?

What do you want, some artificial declaration of commitment?

This... this is meaningless,

like... like some cheap broken-heart necklace

you give somebody out of a vending machine.

I don't want it back.

Fine.

¶¶

¶¶ Arhh! Arhh!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Don't you have anything to say

about what I told you back there?

Mmhh! Mmhh! Mmhh!

Mmhh, mmhh, mmhh, mmhh, mmhh, mmhh.

Mmhh... mmhh... Mmhh, mmhh, mmhh, mmhh.

Would you turn that shit down? What?

I like that song.

I'm jammin' with my homeys.

Just keep hallucinating.

Look...

there's really nothing more to say on the issue.

I think I explained my position clearly.

Forget it. Just drive.

Look at this.

It's the new Napa.

Mmm. Incredible.

Thank you.

Two, please.

That'll be $20.

Does that include a tasting?

Of course.

I can't believe that you just asked

if that includes a tasting.

What?

It's not like you're paying for it.

It's the principle of the thing.

Whatever, Milo.

Stop picking on Milo.

At least he can carry on a mature conversation.

Boy!

Eww!

You're not supposed to kiss the boys, freak.

Don't be mad.

I'm sorry.

¶ I love the vineyard, the vineyard loves me ¶

¶ I love the vineyard with Mag-gie ¶

¶ We love the grapes, we love the vines ¶

¶ We love, taste, all of the wine ¶

I like the white 'cause it's cold.

But I like the red 'cause it's good.

Don't they know that I'm writing a piece on them?

I want, like, two gl... I want, like, four glasses of wine.

If we stay here all day, I can get completely smashed.

If she goes to them before she comes to us,

what do you think that means?

They're watching us.

They say praishunts is a virtue.

Wow, you are really drunk.

You should not be driving.

I'm fine.

Alert me if I veer off into a ditch

or I'm about to run over a mailbox

or a person or an animal or something.

They ration the wine...

like they're ever gonna run out.

How'd you hear about us?

One Victor Miceli.

Oh, such a good

boyfriend, always sending customers my way.

Your... Who? The waiter

from Moon Mountain.

Oh, Nathan's new buddy. The, uh,

good-looking one.

That's him.

God, it's a small, small world!

Isn't it?

I'll be back in a few if you two want to try anything else.

You know, I wouldn't mind trying

the Zinfandel.

The Zin.

Got it. Oh, that's an absolutely

fabulous idea.

Okay...

Fuck you.

Don't get pissy with me

just 'cause you thought the, uh,

waiter had the hots for you.

Nathan?

Oh, my God. Eric.

Hey, man. Hey!

Hi.

I'm Maggie.

My girlfriend.

How very nice to meet you.

It's very nice to meet you as well.

Sit down.

Just for a minute. My dad's waiting

at the bottom with, like six cases of wine.

My God, what...

I haven't seen you in, what, eight years?

I can't believe you recognized me.

You look exactly the same, my friend.

Well, Nathan takes great care to preserve herself...

I mean himself.

I can... I can see that.

He stays very well oiled. Isn't that

right, baby? Don't mind her. She's trying to match

her body weight in booze this afternoon.

Aren't we all.

So, you're still in Los Angeles, right?

Yeah. I'm actually up here on assignment.

I read your stuff online all the time.

Seems like you're doing exactly what you wanted to do in high school.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Nathan always wanted

to write puff pieces?

I didn't know that about you. How cute.

Yeah, Nathan always had all the answers.

What about you? Where are you now?

I moved to San Francisco a year ago to work for the mayor.

Working for the mayor? That sounds so exciting.

I'd love to do something like that.

I was a political science major.

Do you work in politics now?

I just can't seem to turn my degree into something legit.

She's a temp.

Temporarily... hopefully.

An internship's a good way to get your foot in the door.

Give me a call. We always have openings in our office.

That would be amazing.

An internship. Isn't that

something you do in college?

Actually, um... almost all our interns

are post-graduates.

I'm so not about age and timetables and all that shit.

Do you have a card, Eric?

Yeah.

I, uh, should go.

Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

Very nice to meet you, Maggie.

Oh, it was lovely meeting you,

and I will be giving you a call. Thanks again.

We used to call him the basset hound at high school

because he was so pudgy and mopey.

Well, he's no pudgy puppy these days. He's one hot dog.

Rawrr.

Even if I weren't here, he'd still be off-limits.

Off-limits?

Yeah. I don't want people from high school knowing about me.

Why? Who cares?

Because... it makes them feel superior.

And on top of that, they get this self-satisfying look on their face

like they knew all along. Well, it pisses me off.

I can flirt with who I want.

You're my date.

I am not your date.

Well, I consider you my date. If you don't want to play

by the rules, then you can fuck off.

You're a prop, and you're replaceable.

I hope your pants are replaceable.

Hello. Hey. It's me.

Wow! What a nice surprise.

Having a good time?

I never knew there are so many vineyards.

How's Nathan? Okay, I guess.

I hope you guys aren't drinking and driving

or doing anything stupid like that.

No.

What's wrong?

You don't sound like yourself.

Nathan's just so fucking immature sometimes.

I could've told you that.

What's he been doin'?

Can't go into it right now.

Okay. We'll talk when you get home.

I miss you so much.

Really?

Yeah. I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

I just spoke to Victor.

That was so sweet that you left your card

so we could look you up if we're ever in L.A.

The vintage has gone to vinegar!

Shouldn't you be pretending to do research

or something useful?

Makes it harder to kitschify a place

if I actually get to know the people.

¶ Do you want some wine? ¶

Stop it.

I saw Eric after the whole "prop" incident.

And?

And I told him we weren't actually dating... and why.

He didn't seem surprised.

Hi. You've reached Carla and Joe.

Please leave us a message. Thanks.

Hey, Carla. It's Maggie. I'm just calling

to say thank you for a lovely meal yesterday.

Oh. Just thought you should know.

Uh, Nathan gave Joe a blowjob in the barn.

It wasn't a blowjob. While we were in the kitchen.

- Just thought you might be interested. - Bye!

Voicemail.

Where are you going?!

Away from you!

You're turning into a diva.

You know what? Fuck you.

Let's turn around and go home!

No, you're turning into Milo...

a fucking pussy!

You fucking cunt! Get back here!

Don't say a fucking word!

Can I help you?

Anderson. 6234?

Anderson? Right.

There you go. Your baths

will be ready in about 15 minutes.

Mmm.

You can change right around the corner.

There you go.

It always takes women a little longer.

Do you ever get people who want to be alone in the baths?

Oh. It'll just be the two of you.

No. I meant... alone alone.

Oh. Well, definitely not here.

The whole couples experience is what we're known for.

Hmm.

Do you have any extra rooms?

No.

Here we are.

This, uh, mud

has a therapeutic effect

on your mind and body.

But remember... if you feel lightheaded or nauseous

to get out immediately.

Uh, there's a phone over here if you need anything.

Have a wonderful time.

Ahh...

Mmm...

What are we supposed to do in here?

I don't know.

What do you think other people do?

Screw, I'm sure.

Why don't you get on all fours and take it, bitch?

At least I can admit what I'm into, faggot.

You know what? You're right.

I hate having sex with you. It make me want to puke.

Oh, let it out. Let it all out.

Your fat ass and your saggy...

Shut the fuck up.

Oh. What, the hag can't take the fact

that... that she fell in love with a fag

and that it's sad and stupid and pathetic?

At least I can feel love, asshole.

Oh, what's... what's that, hag?

At least I can feel it. I'm not scared like you are.

And I might be a hag,

but I'll get over you.

And you'll still be left to suffer

in that hateful, horrible little life of yours.

You're right.

I don't love you.

You've never loved anybody

except for yourself.

You disgust me.

I feel sick.

So get out.

¶¶

Feel the spirit, man.

Uh, excuse me. Mr. Anderson?

Your friend said not to wait for her.

What? Where is she?

Well, she said it was nice of you to offer her a ride

but that she'd find another way home.

Oh.

Really.

It happens.

I was feeling inspired.

When it's just him and me at home, he's... he's great.

A totally different person.

Sweetheart, there's nothing to be jealous about.

I told you that.

Mmm...

How long you been with Frank?

Well, I don't like to give away my age,

but about 15 years.

Who's that other guy in the kitchen?

Now you're just teasing.

Do you want to go?

Yeah. I gotta get outta here.

I'm much older than him.

I had the greatest weekend.

Come on. It's dollar margarita night.

I think I'm gonna stay in.

Well, there's a shocker.

Me and my daddy got in this incredibly

huge fight. You guys still made at each other?

Tell the end of the story.

Are you and Maggie off to Munich next month?

I don't think we're gonna be taking any more trips together.

Unlikely.

So you and Nathan had a fight. Mm-hmm.

What was it about?

He basically made it clear

that he doesn't want to fuck me anymore.

He... mmhh. Doesn't want what?

He's over fucking me.

I don't even know what to ask.

Don't ask. Do something.

Give me something to let me know that you actually care

that I was fucking another man behind your back.

I trusted you.

What do you mean, sleeping?

Like, in the same bed?

I don't understand.

Look, this has nothing to do with you.

It sure as hell does!

Nicholas.

Why are you with me?

Hey, Maggie. It's Nathan.

Can you please pick up?

Maggie?

Hey. Nathan. My God.

God, how are you?

I'm... good.

What's goin' on?

Oh, I'm... just hikin'.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, I always thought I might see you

on this trail sooner or later.

Well, considering you were the one who told me how to...

Actually, I... always hoped

that I'd run into you.

Uh, do you want some company?

Sure. Yeah.

So, how've you been?

Really good.

You look all healthy and vigorous.

It's just the hike.

I suspect it's more than that.

Well, maybe.

Must be a guy.

Well, there is a guy.

Oh, yeah?

Greg.

Greg.

The... investment banker.

The architect- slash-triathlete.

Ooh. An athlete and a scholar.

How impressive.

And what about you?

I've been seeing someone. He's great, too.

About a year now.

Really. A long-termer.

Yep.

This is my favorite part.

You never called back.

I kept meaning to, but...

then I just didn't. I'm sorry. I just...

I understand.

I thought about calling. Too much time had passed.

And then there was that whole pride thing.

Yeah.

Race you to the bottom.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA