Original subtitles

(silence)

(birds singing) - Shit.

(grass rustling)

This is actually kind of creepy.

Like, what would that even originally be for?

It's not like the rest of the building was blown away,

there's no evidence of it.

- [Ricky] Do you think the property owners built this?

- Dude this would be good to use, we could say it's

like a gateway to another world or something like that.

Like you pass through it and then you're a ghost,

or ghosts pass through it to get into our world,

like that's how we could start the episode.

- [Ricky] Oh shit, you're right that's good.

- This is perfect, like we should...

Shit, and there's like...

Dude, there's a shitload of spiders on it too,

like little white ones.

- [Ricky] I wouldn't touch those.

(Chris laughs)

- (laughs) I'm OK.

(distorted static buzzing)

(beeping) (static buzzing)

(panting) (eerie music)

Ah, this is actually kind of, ugh.

(fly buzzing)

Ah, dude, it's like fucking (sighs).

(grunts) Oh yes!

OK that was pretty Mortal Kombat of me actually.

Shit, dude I don't know, why can't we just

hire someone to do my shit again, my camera shit?

I feel like I should be on screen as much as possible,

unadulterated, unobscured.

Dude, how do we even get through here?

There's like this

lame-ass-- - [Ricky] How many fucking

barbed fences-- - [Chris] Barbed wire.

- [Ricky] Are we gonna run into?

- [Chris] Already had one run-in today with these.

- [Ricky] Do, ah, do they realize that barbed wire

doesn't keep ghosts out? (flies buzzing)

Shit (laughs).

This is way better, like even than I imagined.

So, I'm thinking as far as the effect of it,

like the ghostliness, as we're walking through

we can set up like the fog machine or whatever.

Either behind the tree, so it blows over naturally

or we use the fan or something like that.

Or do you think we could find one of the shittier-looking

graves that clearly has not been visited and just...

Put the machine under it so it's like, you know,

so the fog's like coming out of the grave?

Do you think that'll, that'll probably look better right?

- [Ricky] Oh yeah, that'll definitely look better.

- Yeah, is that illegal, can you do that?

Those people are thick, we'll find them

ghosties and ghoulies and

then that'll be my salary, OK, how about that?

I can live at Mom's, I can live in her basement

which is kind of gross and dank and dusty and...

But I mean it'll be worth it, I'll get paid in pussy

I guess, when I'm like, when I'm famous,

when I'm known by chicks.

- [Ricky] And action in five,

four, three, two, one.

- Hey ghost goons, we're here in the Brut Woods

because this is one of the top five places

that you guys kept telling us to come visit

because of all the spiritual happenings,

all the spooky stuff, the ritualistic drawings

on the stones that people have seen,

the ghosts that they were hearing and seeing,

so we decided to come investigate.

Basically the story behind this place is that

a family of people in the 1950s

came through here in a caravan, not caravan,

(laughs) we're in 1950s now.

(mysterious music) OK, so what is the story here?

So, what horrific things happened?

They broke down, there was no food around,

they tried to survive, eventually the Dad,

who was a carpenter, he went crazy,

you know he hadn't eaten for about two weeks,

he snapped, he killed all his family members

and was feasting on them, on their flesh,

surviving on them for months.

And of course this attracted other animals

that he was able to kill, he actually survived

for quite awhile and eventually died from various diseases.

But...

So how does this look, is this a good?

Is the sun like glaring too much on me or does it look good?

- [Ricky] Um...

I mean, you look like yourself so,

I mean, you can't take that-- - (tuts) Yeah, no but

how fucking, like basic,

OK, you know how we have a big audience of chicks, right?

- [Ricky] Do we?

- Well, at the very least are you seeing some

double chin as I look down to the camera, you asshole?

- [Ricky] Nah, the shadow's got that covered for you.

- OK good.

To this day people can still hear the sound

of his saw cutting through their bones,

as his lips smacking (smacks lips),

as he enjoyed the tasty treat of, you know,

his innocent daughter and whatever else.

But we're not here to find out whether it's true,

it's definitely true,

we're here to goof the ghosts.

(swishing) (leaves rustling)

(laughs) Was that good?

(ominous weapons) We've also come prepared

with weapons, now you might be thinking,

what are weapons gonna do against ghosts?

They'll go right through them, in fact,

ghosts will use weapons on you, that's very true,

we just happen to be in meth country.

(shuffling)

Just keep going.

So I've got this. (clacking)

(Ricky laughs)

So I've got this. (clacking)

- [Ricky] Oh it's, oh I like that,

that's so advanced. - Shut up, shut up, just gonna

do it again, we'll cut it out.

- [Ricky] And action.

- So I've got this. (clacking)

- [Ricky] (laughs) Oh, sorry, it's just so embarrassing.

- What?

- [Ricky] You've brought the most pathetic weapon ever.

- No it's not, this is dope.

- [Ricky] This is dope?

- [Chris] Yeah, this is-- - [Ricky] No, this is dope.

You know what that is?

- [Chris] No.

- [Ricky] You know what it is now?

(buzzing)

- Oh.

(buzzing)

What is that, a charger?

(buzzing) - [Ricky] Oh, you wanna see?

Here, here you go.

(clattering) - Woah, woah, woah!

(pants) Dude!

I could have died, I could have fucking died.

(buzzing)

- [Ricky] And I've also brought, this.

- What is that?

- [Ricky] Medicated body powder.

- Huh?

- [Ricky] It fights sweat.

- It fights sweat?

- [Ricky] Dude, it's off-brand Gold Bond.

- Huh?

- [Ricky] It's like sucking on a peppermint with your nuts.

- Oh sweet.

- [Ricky] Oh yeah.

(flies buzzing)

Yeah you just pour it in there,

dude it's kind of an incredible feeling.

- [Chris] You just pour it, like just pour it?

- [Ricky] Just start pouring it, man.

- [Chris] OK.

- [Ricky] He's gonna love it.

- [Chris] Oh, oh yeah.

- [Ricky] You feel the tingle?

- [Chris] Oh, kind of.

Oh, shit!

(rustling)

- [Ricky] It's, I mean, that's a side effect

but it's totally worth it.

- [Chris] Ooh, oh (laughs).

Who would want this?

(birds singing)

- [Ricky] Rashomon.

What?

No, no, goddammit.

(sighs)

Yep, (blows), shit.

Nature documentarian with dust on lens (groans).

- [Chris] (laughs) I wanna touch it.

(distorted buzzing) (Ricky sighs)

- [Ricky] Dammit, goddammit, Chris!

- [Chris] Hm, what?

- [Ricky] How many times do I have to tell you

to cut that shit out, turn it off.

I'm gonna go smack that ass. (distorted buzzing)

- [Chris] Oh am I (laughs), am I still on?

- [Ricky] (sighs) Yeah.

(distorted buzzing) - [Chris] Dude, sorry bro.

(crow cawing) (rumbling)

*Du-du-du

- [Ricky] Woah, what is this, what are we approaching?

- Alright ghost goons, here we are

at the house of the only family that knows

the truth behind what happened here at the Brut Woods.

They agreed to speak with us to divulge the real story.

Or something like that.

Well, let's see what they have to say.

Shit, goddammit, barbed wire.

What the f.

- [Ricky] Come on, you can make it, you made it before,

you can make it again. (Chris sighs)

(Chris groans)

(Chris groans)

- Oh goddammit!

Gah, dude, does it really fucking end right,

ah, ah! - [Ricky] Oh, I didn't think

you were really gonna go through with that, how's that feel?

- [Chris] Fuck you.

- [Ricky] Now this, loyal viewers, is what we talk about,

our job is dangerous.

- [Chris] Ah yeah, it's fucking dangerous or whatever.

(Chris sighs)

- [Ricky] But Chris Lipscomb, he's no pussy.

- Edit that out, cut it out.

- [Ricky] You want me to cut out the part

where I said you weren't a pussy?

- So, ghost goons, there's one thing

we didn't tell you about this family.

They're the last surviving descendants

of the original family that passed through here.

- [Ricky] What?

I thought that carpenter family was dead.

- Oh no, Benjamin and Mary Meadows

built this house using the skills passed down

from the father that killed their...

Ancestors, what do you call it?

Their lineage, you know, like ate them alive.

(wind blowing) (birds singing)

- [Chris] OK?

(tuts) (knocking)

(hums) Looks kind of--

- [Ricky] See anything?

- Uh, is there a doorbell?

- [Ricky] I don't know, you'd think there would be.

Oh, here we go.

(bell ringing)

Anything?

- [Chris] Um, doesn't look like it.

- [Ricky] Think they just fell asleep or something?

They're kind of old right?

- I think so.

Oh, well their dog's here at least.

- [Ricky] Oh wait, oh let me get a good shot of that,

people love dogs.

- [Chris] Hey buddy. - [Ricky] Aw look at that,

he just did a little stretch.

- [Chris] Hey what's up, hey!

- [Ricky] What do you think his name is?

- [Chris] (laughs) He's scared of me.

- [Ricky] What do you think his name is?

- [Chris] I don't know, he looks...

Let's call him AJ.

- [Ricky] Yeah, AJ Meadows.

He doesn't like being on camera,

this is ridiculous, oh there he goes, there he is.

Hey AJ, AJ!

He's scared of me too. (AJ barks)

Dude.

(barking) (eerie music)

He's not happy.

(barking)

Holy shit. - [Chris] Dude.

(distorted buzzing) OK,

(clears throat)

weird. (distorted buzzing)

- [Ricky] AJ! - [Chris] AJ!

- [Ricky] Hey AJ! (distorted buzzing)

(knocking) (Chris sighs)

Anything?

- [Chris] Um...

(electricity humming)

- [Ricky] I don't know I mean it seems like everything's on.

- That's true.

- [Ricky] What about up there, do you see anything?

Hello, is there anyone home?

- (laughs nervously) Yeah, this is weird,

they definitely said they were gonna be home all day.

- [Ricky] They don't get that the internet is the new wave.

- [Chris] Yeah, well I guess out here

that would definitely be true.

- [Ricky] Oh, there we go, I guess this is the front door.

- [Chris] Oh shit, (laughs) this is clearly a front door.

Turns out they're just standing right in front

of that door waiting for us to come right at this time.

(knocking)

- [Ricky] Do you think they would do that?

- [Chris] I don't know-- - [Ricky] Sometimes people

try to goof us. - [Chris] I don't understand

older generations, I feel like that's something

that they would do, you know?

- [Ricky] Well, I don't know though, but they don't,

do they really like goofing around that much?

(quiet knocking) Did people goof around?

Like what did people do during World War II,

did they goof? (loud knocking)

(winding)

Ah dammit, I just missed it, there was this

beautiful bird soaring through the air.

- [Chris] Why do you need that?

- [Ricky] Oh, establishing shots, bro.

- [Chris] Yeah but what--

- [Ricky] That's what making television is all about.

Here it is, here I spotted it.

- [Chris] So what?

What are we establishing? - [Ricky] Oh look at that.

- [Chris] We don't need-- - [Ricky] Look at that bird.

- [Chris] This is an episode we don't need to--

- [Ricky] Oh it flew away, - [Chris] Just total filler.

- [Ricky] Psst, then I'm kind of

(bird humming) panning along, panning along,

(bird humming) panning along, fast pan!

Yes, has it been an hour already?

(sighs) Should I just call these people?

- [Chris] Yeah I guess, just call them.

- [Ricky] Alright, and I'll film it

because I am the cameraman,

people always love this, could be mysterious,

you never know. (phone buzzing)

(sighs) Chris!

- [Chris] What? - [Ricky] Why are you

calling me, did you just butt dial me?

- [Chris] What? - [Ricky] How do you butt dial

me with an iPhone? (whispering)

- [Chris] I'm not calling you. - [Ricky] That doesn't

make sense, oh you're not calling me?

Hey Chris! (static hissing)

- [Chris] But it's worth a shot.

(eerie music) - [Ricky] What?

- [Chris] (pants) Listen, that's not me.

(sighs) There are many--

(beeping)

- [Ricky] Uh...

(pants) Dude, what?

This is not-- - [Chris] Dude,

you're not even showing up in my call history.

- [Ricky] Why are you trying to prank call me?

- I'm not. - [Ricky] When I'm just

making a phone call and

you're 20 feet away. - [Chris] I really don't know

(laughs) how it even happened.

- [Ricky] Makes no sense.

- Yeah, it really is

super bizarre. - [Ricky] I mean, I know

you called me, I saw everything.

It's (sighs), I don't know.

What are you looking at? - What are you talking about,

what d'you see?

(crackling) Ricky.

Yeah, you're not in here.

- [Ricky] What?

- You're not in here.

(crackling) I need you.

- [Ricky] What?

- (laughs) What?

(crackling) Ricky, save me.

- [Ricky] What the fuck?

You're a ventriloquist.

Why didn't you tell me? - What?

(crackling) - Help me bro.

What are you talking about? - [Ricky] Dude, stop that,

it's freaking me out. (breathing)

Stop, stop. - Help.

(laughs) What are you talking about?

Is this a bit? - [Ricky] Stop, stop moving

your mouth, stop, stop.

(crackling) - [Chris] Ricky,

don't let me die.

- [Ricky] Dude, stop, stop!

(sighs) Dude, what the hell?

(rustling)

What the fuck?

(ominous music) Did you just see that?

- What?

- [Ricky] Oh shit, we gotta check this out.

(panting)

Coming?

(laughs) Ah-ha, and ghost goofed?

- [Chris] What? - [Ricky] Dude,

you didn't see that guy? - Uh-uh.

- [Ricky] There was someone running.

I know where he is, let's see.

- [Chris] There was someone running?

- [Ricky] Yeah dude, there was like a young guy

running back this way?

- [Chris] A young guy, do these guys have grandkids?

- [Ricky] Well, I mean, I don't know, I mean I just can't

imagine an 85 year old man running with that kind of vigor.

- [Chris] I guess.

(Ricky sighs) He ran this way?

- [Ricky] He's not in the pool is he?

Yeah, he ran back here, I mean, dude look,

it's so open back here where else would he have hid?

(sighs) I don't know man, this is weird.

(Chris laughs nervously)

- [Ricky] (sighs) And now you're like,

"Oh, I don't believe you, Ricky, that crazy fool,

"he's just--" - [Chris] No, I mean.

you might have seen something. - [Ricky] "imagining things."

- [Chris] I'm not discounting that, just saying

it's weird you would see him.

- [Ricky] Got a good workout regardless so

that's never a bad thing. - Maybe it was just someone

trespassing or whatever and they freaked out,

they thought we own the place.

For you ghost goons at home, Ricky just shrugged.

It's a visual medium, buddy.

- [Ricky] Ah, thank, thank-- - Yeah where you try

to sort of play it up for the (Ricky curses)

audience a little bit, hey!

- [Ricky] Woah.

- What?

- [Ricky] Is it just me or is that window open?

(thudding)

(ominous music) (Ricky laughs nervously)

Yeah, I told you I saw someone.

(loud screaming) (phone buzzing)

(winding)

- [Chris] So that was interesting.

- [Ricky] Oh, it was definitely interesting.

- Do you wanna tell them what happened?

- I shall tell our loyal goons what happened,

so you saw that footage because of course

we cut it into the episode because it was great,

but what you didn't see was the actual phone call

with the Meadows where I discovered, dun-dun-dun,

that they're out of town, yeah they're vacationing.

I don't know, Bahamas, Alaska, some, you know,

super hot, super cold place like that

probably a lot of hot chicks there, but you know

when people get old they gotta have some eye candy.

But you see the thing is it appears that

one of us told them the wrong date, now

I'm not gonna say it was me because it wasn't me.

Hint hint.

But I'd say we got some pretty

(distorted buzzing) bizarre footage back there,

like that was some spooky stuff,

that was some spooky-- - [Chris] It's true,

it's true. - [Ricky] Spooky ghost

going through the woods.

Creepy. - [Chris] Also ah, goddammit.

Dude, I'm serious. - [Ricky] Dude are you--

- [Chris] I've been ear raped by a ghost.

- [Ricky] Oh my God.

(trickling)

- [Chris] Fuck you Ricky.

Pissing on your face.

(trickling)

Wait, is my mic still recording?

No, I don't think so.

(crickets chirping)

- [Ricky] Oh wait, ah, oh this is good.

(loud zipping) Shit, what the fuck?

- Hey dude, I'm just getting the bug spray, relax.

- [Ricky] Shit.

- Just getting some bug spray.

(can hissing)

I'm gonna be chigger free after this.

- [Ricky] What did you just say?

- Huh?

(can hissing)

* No chiggers for me,

* chiggers and ticks, on my dicks *

(can hissing)

Oh yeah, dude it actually. (zipping)

- [Ricky] I've actually got some of

my own bug spray. (Chris coughs)

- To be honest it tastes pretty good (coughs).

(spits) We could also say that it works for like...

And get that, oh, "Long lasting protection from mosquitoes,

"ticks biting flies, gnats, chiggers and...

"and ghosts."

- [Ricky] Hey Chris.

- Dude (laughs), what the fuck?

- [Ricky] This is revenge for that little

bug spray-- - (laughs) Dude is that

actually a real gun?

- [Ricky] Oh, of course it's a real gun.

I'm protected against the homeless.

- Ah, OK I thought,

OK you're not supposed to actually like

point that at someone.

- [Ricky] And boom.

(Chris sighs)

Come on, bro.

I mean, it's loaded but it's not cocked.

- It's fucking loaded?

(frog croaking) (crickets chirping)

(eerie music) - Recording at 12:18

on May 4th, story time.

- So this question comes from a 33 year old man,

it reads, "Hey Chris and Ricky, love the show,

"I am in a bit of a paranormal predicament here,

"let me explain," I like this.

"About a year ago I made a move on my female friend

"that I had had a crush on for about 10 years,

"we ended up getting into a pretty hot and heavy romance

"that was, not to be cliched, but it was beautiful.

"I really started to fall for this girl

"and we did everything together.

"Six months ago though, I was going through

"the pictures on her phone and sort of found out

"that she had been seeing two other dudes.

"Yeah, I was fucking sad and distraught,

"so I basically cussed her out and we had a huge fight.

"A week later she was in a car accident and she died.

(Chris laughs)

"Recently in the middle of the night, I've been hearing

"someone crying and also calling out my name, as well as

"the names of who I can only assume are the other dudes.

"I love her but what should I do to get rid of her spirit,

"I wanna make her cross over so that

"she's happy and on the other side, help?"

(sighs).

- Bro.

- Oh boy.

- It's not good.

- That kind of a ghost, the sad ghost

that sort of repeats itself each night,

there's no crossing over.

What you're probably gonna have to do is

first of all stop having feelings for her,

(distorted buzzing) stop, stop all of that,

start sort of cheating on her emotionally, physically.

(distorted buzzing) Start cheating--

(distorted buzzing) - I hate to do this to you but

(static buzzing) bottom line, one cent,

(static buzzing) what's he do?

- Alright, ditch the bitch.

(distorted beeping) - Ditch the bitch.

- And go out with

(distorted buzzing)

a different girl (laughs), and one that's not dead

and one that is not fucking crazy.

(distorted buzzing) And one that won't

cheat on you, in all seriousness though,

(distorted buzzing) this kind of thing

happens when just shitty, I'm sorry, but shitty

(distorted buzzing) backstabbing

people, you know, die.

(winding)

(static buzzing) OK, it's 2am.

We're here to find some spooks, we're on a spook hunt.

- [Ricky] Oh careful, now that

we definitely can't say. - [Chris] I probably shouldn't

have said that. - [Ricky] Yeah,

that's inappropriate dude.

(frogs croaking) (crickets chirping)

- [Chris] So what should we do if we actually see,

like there's a homeless dude or something like that?

What should we do if we actually find someone?

- [Ricky] We kill them.

- (laughs) What?

- [Ricky] OK fine, I guess we'll just cross that bridge

when we get to it.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but they say--

- [Chris] Uh-huh.

- [Ricky] They say the wife of the carpenter,

eaten from the inside out.

Her ghost, the most terrifying of all.

Ghost queefs echoing through

the night. - [Chris] MILF ghosts are

fucking the scariest ones.

Seriously, it's like you wanna bang them, you can't,

it's never gonna be-- - [Voiceover] Ricky!

- [Ricky] Woah! - [Chris] What the?

- [Ricky] What the fuck was that?

(rumbling)

- [Chris] What d'you, what dude, what the?

(laughs) There better be something there you dick.

(wind quietly howling) (frogs croaking)

- [Ricky] Shit.

That was weird.

(gasps) Ghost (speaks in foreign language).

(frogs croaking) (crickets chirping)

- [Ricky] OK (laughs), actually where is the?

- [Chris] Holy shit, dude look.

- [Ricky] What the hell is that?

Dude, was this on the map?

- [Chris] I don't know.

The Meadows didn't tell me anything about this, no.

Can ghosts build things?

Oh, we could say that they can.

We could say the carpenter decided

to build a structure to leave all the bodies.

- [Ricky] Well, I think it's pretty obvious

what we have to do here.

- We have to investigate.

(crickets chirping) (frogs croaking)

Holy shit.

(static buzzing)

Dude, there's like an entrance right here

at the ground level.

- [Ricky] What's down there?

Do you see anything?

(distorted buzzing)

Chris, Chris talk to me, what are you doing?

- [Chris] Oh dude, you're gonna love this.

(distorted beeping)

- [Ricky] What's down there?

- [Voiceover] Ricky.

(thudding)

- [Ricky] What the hell?

(static buzzing)

(frogs croak louder) (distorted buzzing)

(crickets chirping)

Chris?

Dude.

You in there?

Hello, Chris?

Goddammit, I can't see anything.

(clicking) (Ricky sighs)

(clicking) (beep ringing)

Chris?

(static buzzing)

Chris?

(static quietens)

(sighs) Son of a bitch.

(static grows louder)

(sighs) Shit.

Am I going in here?

Am I seriously?

(groans)

(loud static buzzing) (grunting)

(static buzzing)

(clattering)

(static buzzing quietens) (rumbling)

(distorted buzzing) (thudding)

(static cuts out)

(Ricky breathes heavily)

Chris?

(wind blowing)

Chris?

What the fuck?

(distorted static buzzing)

Chris?

Hey, Chris!

Where the fuck are you, man?

What, Chris?

(glass breaking) Ah, shit!

(glass crunching)

Note to self,

stop making loud noises with your fucking boots.

(flapping)

OK door A,

or door B?

Door A

or door B?

Chris?

(Ricky's voice echoing)

(echoing grows louder)

(Ricky breathes heavily)

OK, let's follow the arrows.

(distorted static buzzing)

This isn't, nothing weird about this.

(sighs) Chris?

The arrows tell me to go this way.

I should go this way.

(howling)

Chris? (flapping)

Chris!

- [Voiceover] Hey dude!

- [Ricky] (gasps) Holy shit!

- (laughs) Dude this place is awesome.

- [Ricky] Where the fuck have you been,

man? - Come on.

- [Ricky] Dude, this is weird.

Wouldn't we have seen this from outside?

(wind howling)

(flapping) (Chris muttering)

- [Ricky] What the hell is it, is that a bat?

(flapping)

(laughs) Chris.

"Aziz light!"

Chris?

- [Chris] Check this out, man.

- [Ricky] What?

- [Chris] Dude.

- [Ricky] What is it?

- [Chris] Look at this.

(Chris laughs)

- [Ricky] It's just a big fucking white circle man,

come on put it, yeah, that's better.

- [Chris] "You won't survive," I guess.

- [Ricky] Dude, look at that handwriting,

it's like a bunch of fucking retards wrote it,

or you.

(wind howling)

- Oh shit.

(Chris laughs) (clattering)

The whore line.

What would you do if I like

punched you in the face with the camera?

- [Ricky] I don't know, I'd probably be annoyed.

- (laughs) That'd piss you off?

Like do they, could my camera even sustain that?

Like, it would probably (banging)

hurt the camera more, your hard-ass head.

Hello? (glass crunching)

It's for you.

Dude, I gotta say, at first I was a little spooked

by this place to be perfectly honest, I mean,

as much as I can be, you know what I mean?

Because we've been in the game for awhile.

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- That being said, let's hang out here for awhile longer

until we're really comfortable with it,

we know all the little nooks and crannies

and stuff and then... - [Ricky] Mhm.

- I just say, do an episode.

- [Ricky] Definitely. - Yeah,

fuck the Brut Woods.

- Actually, kind of a comfortable place to be in.

Just imagine you come in here

and I'm just getting ghost head.

Ah, ah, ah.

- [Ricky] Oh yeah, I mean, oh yeah,

we just put a big censor bar over it.

- [Chris] Oh yeah, it'd just be like except here,

or the censor bar's like negative space,

it goes this way? - [Ricky] Oh yeah, oh yeah.

- [Chris] Oh shit, dude how hilarious would it be

if you came in here and I was just like

fucking a ghost or anyone?

- [Ricky] Dude, this is kind of spooky.

Yeah, I'm liking the look of this.

Oh shit dude, dude this is perfect (laughs).

I'll just get real close and I'll add

like a little jump scare noise.

(loud thudding) (Ricky gasps)

- This place is sweet.

Also, I will say that

as cool as this place is,

I need to take a piss really badly.

So I'm gonna go do that, you keep looking around,

let me know if there's anything sweet.

Maybe you can watch my back a little bit,

I'd just rather not piss my pants if the time should come.

(static buzzing) - [Ricky] Alright,

you go take Chris and I'll just--

- A what?

- [Ricky] A Chris.

- Fuck you, dude, I pee a normal amount,

in fact I pee a healthy amount, especially when

we're in an area where there might be ghosts.

- [Ricky] You--

- No sorry, I just thought saying the word

"ghosts" would attract ghosts.

I don't really know how this shit works to be honest.

(winding)

(footsteps)

I wonder why all the female fans just

gravitate towards Ricky all the time.

No matter what, no matter how much I try to practice

and like try to be really fresh, Ricky just,

I don't know what it is about him.

It's not that Ricky's naturally more attractive

or more confident than me, it's not that at all,

it's just I don't know, I don't know.

It's because he doesn't want it or girls think that,

but he does, he wants it so badly, and so

I've told so many girls that, like they're trying to

choose between me and him which I fucking hate,

it shouldn't be a choice, why can't we just both like,

I don't mind getting the sloppy seconds that's,

OK yeah, we have a ghost show and we try to goof the ghosts

but on some level I really want to have

a deep spiritual connection with somebody

and all that Ricky wants to do is just fuck, you know?

(crackling) And I don't know, I mean,

I want to too, I'd love to fuck, that would be amazing,

that would be so great, but...

Anyway.

- [Ricky] Goddammit.

- [Chris] I'm still sure that if my dick's

not at least bigger than his, it's at least...

At least the same size if not slightly less, you know?

I mean, I'm funny,right?

Something where I'm like in the mud, you know?

Show myself doing something really strong,

like we can do this little goof where

a tree falls down like, "Oh that was spooky."

I'm gonna pick it up and see if there's any kind of clues,

so then I have to take off my shirt because it's like,

(static buzzing) "Oh it's hot here," you know?

I don't know, just something, I feel like

I need to change up the formula because,

again, they are lining up in front of Ricky

and like that's great, you know I feel happy for you man,

that's awesome, whatever, it's mostly fine,

I'm probably over thinking it, you know what?

(door shuffling) You know, that's what it is.

I'm 24 years old, I have plenty of time to have my first--

(loud shattering)

(rumbling) Ricky?

(crackling) Ricky?

- [Ricky] Chris?

(loud shattering) - [Chris] Ricky!

(Chris pants)

(Ricky breathes heavily)

(banging)

- [Ricky] Hello?

(Chris pants) (wind howling)

(creaking) (thudding)

(Chris pants)

(clattering)

(Chris breathes heavily)

(distant yelling)

(glass shattering)

(distant yelling)

(Chris pants)

- [Ricky] Chris?

(Chris pants) (anxious music)

(swishing)

- [Chris] Ricky!

(anxious music building)

(distorted thudding)

(shuffling) (howling)

(thudding)

(intermittent buzzing) (Chris breathing)

(Ricky breathing)

- [Ricky] Chris?

(static buzzing)

(Ricky sighs)

(buzzing) (clattering)

(Chris breathes heavily)

(whooshing)

Chris?

(shrieking)

Chris?

(static buzzing) (whirring)

(loud siren blaring)

(static buzzing)

(loud siren blaring)

(menacing laughter)

What the fuck?

(loud siren blaring) (creaking)

Oh...

Chris?

(loud siren blaring)

(buzzing)

Chris?

Dude, the fuck's going on?

- [Chris] Dude, come check this out,

(mumbles) my footage.

(warping)

(explosion blasts) - [Ricky] Woah, Chris?

(siren halts) (fizzing)

(Ricky breathes heavily) (ominous music)

What the fuck?

(high pitched buzzing)

Dude?

Woah.

(high pitched buzzing)

What the fuck is this?

(whispering)

(thudding)

(static buzzing)

(Chris laughs)

(Ricky breathes heavily)

Total mind fuck, right?

(static buzzing)

Fuck, what the fuck is this?

- Let me help you with that.

(warping) (thudding)

(distorted buzzing)

(thudding)

(Ricky breathes heavily)

What?

Oh Chris, Chris

what the fuck?

(birds singing)

(Ricky grunts)

Oh man.

- Are we dead?

- [Ricky] (sighs) Ah, shut up dude.

(winding)

- What would you even call that?

What is it like a silo, like some kind of a silo?

- [Ricky] Yeah, it's like a silo,

asylum. - OK, OK, so you're gonna be

there. - [Ricky] Yeah.

- [Chris] And you're gonna look over from there?

Alright.

- [Ricky] Take, like, two steps back.

- Oh, like go back even further?

- [Ricky] Yeah, and

action.

- No, no, no, that was too like, "Ah whatever,"

like too casual, you know what I mean?

- [Ricky] Alright, do it more intense

but talk to the camera.

- Oh, like talk-- - [Ricky] People get

bored when you don't talk.

- [Chris] Don't ignore the audience,

right. - [Ricky] Yeah.

And... - [Chris] OK.

- [Ricky] Action.

- Now that it's daytime, we're gonna explore the tower

once again to see what other secrets we can find,

to see what other spooks happen.

- [Ricky] And cut, now we come up for the close-up.

- [Chris] Yeah, get a close-up.

- [Ricky] Alright, hold on, let me adjust

some settings here. - [Chris] OK.

- [Ricky] Uh... (clicking)

Yeah, that's a little, that's pretty good right there.

- [Chris] OK. - [Ricky] Let's see, I wanna

make sure your face-- - What about my face?

Yeah, just so when you're going back and forth and stuff?

- [Ricky] I wanna make sure it's not getting blown out.

- Yeah.

Alright.

- [Ricky] Alright.

- You ready to go back inside?

- [Ricky] Oh, I'm gonna follow you in from--

- [Chris] Actually, that was shitty, that was shitty,

that was shitty, go back. - [Ricky] Alright, oh,

that was definitely shitty

- [Chris] (clears throat) Alright.

I'm just kind of excited, you know?

So I'm looking at you and I'm like,

"We're gonna do it, we're gonna be so famous,

"and we're gonna be taken into the stalls by hot chicks."

(clears throat).

- [Ricky] Three, two.

- [Chris] Let's go back inside.

What the fuck?

- [Ricky] What, what is it?

What? (ominous music)

What the hell is that? (Chris laughs)

- This is definitely good for the episode.

- [Ricky] Shit man, what do we do now?

Do we just, think we just kill time until...

Until night?

- [Chris] I dunno.

- [Ricky] How does it work? - [Chris] Woah!

(laughs). - [Ricky] Oh dude.

- [Chris] Geez. - [Ricky] Dude, imagine--

- [Chris] It's like a spike! - [Ricky] Oh shit (laughs).

- [Chris] Geez, that could have been bad.

- [Ricky] Oh, that's incredible.

- I didn't come here to lose an eye!

Unless I do wanna lose an eye,

because then throughout this adventure I have an eye patch.

- [Ricky] Oh, oh, maybe it works like the sun.

- [Chris] Oh.

What do you mean?

- [Ricky] Like, you know, it rises during the day,

the, I mean, I'm talking about the water of course.

Rises during the day. - [Chris] Uh-huh.

- [Ricky] Falls in the night.

- Huh, that's beautiful.

It rises in the day and falls at night.

Or, or I get transplanted

with Jessica Alba's eye and now I can see ghosts.

Although shit, I wouldn't want that.

It would be kind of dope if I like lost my eye

and then we throw an IndieGoGo, you know?

We're just like, "Help me get a new eye."

But we don't get that much money from it, so you know what?

We're just gonna have to use a cadaver eye.

That's our back story, right?

Is any of that making any sense?

- [Ricky] Are you high?

- [Chris] Shit, I don't know.

(laughs) That would kind of explain it.

Like, I don't know, like for me

we just, I don't, fuck, fuck it.

- [Ricky] We'll chalk that one up to drugs folks.

(static buzzing) Rashomon.

(static buzzing)

- [Chris] What?

(static buzzing) - [Ricky] Shit, switch over

to B. - [Chris] What, why?

(distorted beeping) - [Ricky] Just do it dude.

- [Chris] How do I, I don't even know how to do it.

(distorted voices) - [Ricky] B.

Dude, I know I told you to how to do it, man!

(distorted buzzing)

(rumbling)

- Yo, yo. - [Ricky] Shh, shh, shh!

shh, shh, shh. - [Chris] What?

(birds singing)

- [Ricky] Dude.

- Huh?

- [Ricky] I just saw your dick.

- What?

- [Ricky] Fuck dude, come on, get back!

Did he hear us, did he see us?

Oh shit.

- (laughs) I wanna touch it.

- [Ricky] Touch it?

Dude, oh gross dude, no you can't fucking touch-

- No I'm, ah, that's not what I meant.

- [Ricky] Oh what, what the fuck are you doing?

Wait, stop!

Don't do it, what the fuck?

(wind rushing)

(thudding)

Good, he still he hasn't seen us.

(rustling)

Oh shit!

(Chris laughs).

Dude.

I thought it'd be bigger.

- What?

(winding)

(buzzing)

Oh yes, oh yeah I love the arc--

(buzzing) Oh, ooh!

(laughter)

- [Ricky] Dude, why don't they have trash cans in the woods?

- [Chris] I know you would think

with man's infinite craft. - [Ricky] It's stupid man.

Do we live in a civilized society?

- [Chris] Dude are you taller than me?

- [Ricky] Yeah.

People watch us because--

- [Chris] Because there's a plot

to what we do. - [Ricky] It's not because

we're just talking to the camera about stupid stuff

that has no importance. - [Chris] No, and if it is,

it's like we're talking about

something awesome. - [Ricky] Like say, if we were

talking about like how springy this mud is?

Like it's super springy, oh, actually,

I wonder if I could do one of my documentaries on the mud.

Has there ever been a mud-umentary.

- [Chris] How do we even think that this would

be interesting? - [Ricky] I don't know.

(laughs) Should I run that by Discovery Channel?

Woah, woah, it's quick mud!

Quick mud (laughs), dude.

- [Chris] Oh it really is.

(laughs) How did you get out of that?

- [Ricky] The hell's going on? - [Chris] Dude we both

have such a pussy little walk.

- [Ricky] Woah! - [Chris] Huh?

- [Ricky] I think I recognize that ass.

- What?

- I think I've seen that ass before.

- OK yeah, you probably have seen that ass before,

but why are you saying it like that?

- I think I've seen that ass dude.

(wind rushing)

(tape winding) (crackling)

(static buzzing)

Stop, stop.

(crackling) - [Chris] Ricky,

don't let me die.

- [Ricky] Dude, stop, stop!

Dude, what the hell?

(rustling)

(static buzzing)

(wind howling)

(static buzzing)

(wind howling)

(static buzzing)

What the fuck?

Did you just see that?

- What?

- I'm gonna go smack that ass.

(winding)

Deja vu.

Oh, dude, check it out.

- [Chris] Fuck you.

- [Ricky] Ah, it was worth a shot.

- [Chris] Dude, come on.

(panting)

(loud screaming) (phone buzzing)

(phone beeping) - [Ricky] Shit.

(frantic music)

Oh, that scared me there, fuck.

Shit, is anyone even there?

Should we make a run for it?

- [Chris] Do you see anybody?

- [Ricky] I don't know, coast looks clear.

Shit.

(gravel crunching)

Fuck, that was loud.

That was a bad idea.

Do you see anything?

- [Chris] Nothing.

- [Ricky] I don't see anything either.

Fuck, let's go round the side.

- [Chris] Dude, when's the last time we did any running?

- [Ricky] We gotta get health insurance, man.

(panting) - [Chris] Does that help?

- [Ricky] That pays for like, gym memberships right?

- [Chris] Shit, I hope so.

That would make sense, better be included.

- [Ricky] Ah dude, check that window, check the door.

I got nothing.

- [Chris] Try to zoom over the side of the fence.

- [Ricky] Right, right, right.

Watch my back.

- [Chris] Are we good? - [Ricky] Nothing.

(gravel crunching)

(sighs) I need those carbs dude.

Alright, alright.

(panting)

You good, are we clear?

Alright.

(panting)

(static buzzing) - [Chris] Dude you're not even

showing up in my call-- - [Ricky] Oh fuck!

(static buzzing) Why are you even trying

to prank call me?

- [Chris] I'm not. - [Ricky] Do you see that?

(static buzzing)

- [Chris] I really don't know how that even happened.

- [Ricky] Makes no sense.

- [Chris] Yeah, it really is

super bizarre. - [Ricky] I mean, I know

you called me, I saw everything.

- [Chris] What are you talking about, what d'you see?

- [Ricky] Dude, what the f? - [Chris] Ricky.

Yeah you're not in here. - [Ricky] You motherfucker!

What the fuck?

- [Chris] You're not in here.

I need you.

Ricky, save me.

- [Ricky] You fucking fuck!

- [Chris] We need each other. - [Ricky] I was literally

creeped out by that man. - [Chris] Bro.

Help. (distant muttering)

- [Ricky] Well, at least there's fucking leaves

covering your face you prick.

Stop, stop moving your mouth, stop, stop.

- [Chris] Ricky,

don't let me die. - [Ricky] Dude, stop, stop!

(rustling) Dude what the hell?

(thudding) Oh fuck, they see you!

(panting)

Coming?

(panting)

(door creaking) Oh shit.

Lock the door.

(heavy breathing)

I don't see them.

Alright.

Do you hear anything?

(distant laughter)

Alright, let's go.

Let's go this way. (muttering)

You didn't see that guy?

(thudding) There was someone running.

Upstairs!

(panting)

(stairs creaking)

(electricity humming)

Hear anything?

- [Chris] No. - [Ricky] Alright.

(heavy breathing)

Chris, Ricky?

You in here?

(thudding) (static buzzing)

(Ricky pants)

Dude, what's that?

(Chris laughs)

(window creaking)

Oh, let me see.

(muttering)

- [Chris] Maybe it was someone trespassing.

- [Ricky] Got a good workout man.

cardio. - [Chris] They thought they

were gonna get caught or something.

(muttering)

So for those of you watching at home, he just shrugged.

(muttering)

- [Ricky] Oh shit!

(window bangs)

(clunking)

(door creaking)

(panting)

Dude (laughs), you pussy.

(birds singing)

(Ricky clears throat)

(fly buzzing) (Ricky clears throat)

(Ricky sniffs and clears throat)

(fly buzzing) (Ricky blows)

(fly buzzing)

Bastard. (fly buzzing away)

And now, it's time for the next question.

This one comes from a 32 year old man from across the ocean.

"Hey guys, I'm a long-time goon

"writing to you from England.

"Last week I started seeing this girl who is

"easily the hottest I've even been with.

"She cleans, she's funny, she's considerate,

"and she makes me feel things I've never felt before,

"if you know what I mean?"

"Sounds amazing right, right?

"Wrong, yesterday I found out that

"she's dead, I can't remember what made me do this

"but I Googled her name and I found that she was

"stabbed in downtown London two years ago."

Brutal, "I haven't told her I know yet,

"should I continue seeing her or should I get a life?

"Thanks and keep in mind that

"she's really, really, really, really hot."

Woah.

- [Chris] Ah! (thudding)

- [Ricky] What's happening?

(distant muttering) (ominous music)

(shuffling)

(distant muttering)

(gasping)

- Wait...

That never happened.

(distant laughter)

(winding)

A tree falls down like, "Oh that was spooky."

I'm gonna pick it up and see if there's any kind of clues,

so then I have to take off my shirt because it's like,

(static buzzing) "Oh it's hot here," you know?

I don't know, just something, I feel like

I need to change up the formula because,

again, they are lining up in front of Ricky

and like that's great, you know I feel happy for you man,

that's awesome, whatever, it's mostly fine,

I'm probably over thinking it, you know what?

(door shuffling) You know, that's what it is.

I'm 24 years old, I have plenty of time to have my first--

(loud shattering)

(rumbling) Ricky?

(laughter) Ricky?

- [Ricky] Oh, holy shit.

- [Chris] Ricky! (laughter)

- [Ricky] Du-du-du.

(cracking) (Ricky laughs)

- [Chris] Oh fuck.

(panting)

That actually fucking hurt.

- [Ricky] No shit.

- [Chris] Dude, dude, dude, watch, watch, watch!

(cracking)

(Chris laughs)

- [Ricky] Dude, we can do better than that.

(wind rushing)

We can do a lot better.

(tense electronic music)

- [Chris] Three,

two,

three, two, one.

(glass shattering) (yelling)

What the fuck was that?

(glass breaking)

(banging)

(clattering)

(glass shattering)

(glass shattering) Oh shit!

Ricky, no!

Oh, dude, dude, dude.

(menacing electronic music)

(thudding)

(screaming)

Ricky!

(laughs)

(glass shattering) Ah, fuck!

(laughs) The most frightening sound.

- [Ricky] You are the biggest pussy on the planet.

(glass shattering)

(clanging) (screaming)

(clattering)

(banging)

* Oh, oh, oh.

* It's a great thing.

(Chris roars)

(screaming)

(Chris laughs)

(glass shattering)

(glass breaking)

(glass shattering) (laughter)

(warping)

(explosion blasts)

- Alright dude, watch this.

(static buzzing)

(high pitched buzzing)

- Chris, dude, what the fuck

(static buzzing) just happened man?

Total mind fuck, right?

What?

Ri, ri, what? (static buzzing)

Oh! (Chris laughs)

What the?

(static buzzing) What the fuck?

What, what the fuck?

(Chris laughs)

- [Ricky] Dude.

- [Chris] Oh my God. - [Ricky] Dude, you are a

crazy fucker

- I know dude, oh my God,

that was awesome. - [Ricky] Also fuck you

for punching me in the face.

- Oh come on, that wasn't actually you.

- [Ricky] It used to be me, that was me.

- [Chris] It doesn't count. - [Ricky] I mean,

continuity's so fucked now. - [Chris] No,

that doesn't count. - [Ricky] So who knows

what's what, who's who?

I don't even know. - [Chris] Oh!

you know what we should do?

Dude we should totally just go and--

(thundering) (Chris gasps)

(rumbling) Oh shit.

(crickets chirping) (panting)

(clicking) (beep ringing)

Ricky?

Hello?

Where am I?

(whimpers)

(pants)

Ricky? (thundering)

(rumbling)

(sobs) Mommy!

(roaring)

Stop, stop it!

(shrieking and static buzzing) Stop!

(growling) Who is that, who is that?

(sobs) Who is that?

(snarling) (Chris cries)

(shrieking) (Chris screams)

(Chris screams)

(distant screaming)

(Chris laughs)

- [Ricky] Oh shit.

(clicking) (beep ringing)

(Chris laughs)

- [Chris] Dude (claps).

- [Ricky] You're a sadistic fuck.

- [Chris] Did you see the zombie walk?

- [Ricky] You're a fucking maniac and a pussy

at the same time. - [Chris] He totally

pissed himself. - [Ricky] It's incredible.

Oh (laughs), without a doubt, dude.

- (laughs) Dude, I fucking hate zombies,

that was (wheezes)...

- [Ricky] (laughs) Ah.

- Dude I wish-- - [Ricky] The ultimate irony.

- (laughs) I know, dude I wish we

had come out at the cemetery.

- [Ricky] Oh fuck. - [Chris] It'd be like an

out of The Living Dead thing.

(laughs) How'd that look, dude?

- [Ricky] Oh dude it was, oh, check it out, check it out,

check it out. - [Chris] OK sweet.

(tape rewinding)

(static buzzing)

(crickets chirping)

(Chris gasps)

Stop, stop, stop!

Who is that, who is that?

(sobs) Who is that?

(Chris cries) (muttering)

(Chris screams) (Chris laughs)

- [Ricky] Oh shit. - Oh definitely needs

new pants.

(laughs)

What a pussy, dude, have I always run like that?

- [Ricky] Yes.

- (laughs) 'Cause my run, my sprint was

legit just now I just thought of that.

(laughs) Oh my God, dude.

Oh my God, I'm a pussy!

(cackles) Oh shit.

I'm a loser and a pussy (laughs).

Oh fuck, oh that's funny (laughs).

(winding)

(birds singing)

Alright dude, set this down where you can

see both of us clearly but stay here too

so you can get the watch eye,

and don't stop recording.

(clacking)

Don't stop recording.

This is gonna be sweet.

(winding)

(birds singing)

(static buzzing)

(muffled wind blowing)

(static buzzing)

(footsteps)

(high pitched ringing)

(static buzzing)

(thudding)

(muffled groaning)

(static buzzing)

(gasping)

(static buzzing)

(gasping)

(static buzzing)

(slashing)

(choking)

(gasping)

(static buzzing)

I've always wanted to do that.

(static buzzing)

(muffled wind rushing)

(knife thudding)

(zipping)

(muffled wind blowing) (static buzzing)

(shuffling) (gun clicks)

(gun fires)

(Chris groans)

(gun fires) (static buzzing)

(static buzzing) - [Ricky] Chris!

Chris, shit, Chris?

(slapping) Chris!

Wake up, wake up!

Oh shit, shit.

Shit (groans).

Dude, come on, come on, stay with me man, stay with me.

(pants)

What the fuck?

(static buzzing) Dude,

(slapping) come on, come on!

(birds singing)

(footsteps fading into distance)

(static buzzing) (tape rewinding)

(thudding)

(birds singing)

(static buzzing)

(muffled wind blowing)

(static buzzing)

(footsteps)

(high pitched ringing)

(static buzzing)

(thudding)

(muffled groaning)

(static buzzing)

(gasping)

(static buzzing)

(gasping)

(static buzzing)

(slashing)

(choking)

(gasping)

(static buzzing)

(footsteps)

(static buzzing)

(muffled gun shot)

(zipping)

(gun fires)

(muffled wind blowing)

(static buzzing)

(gun fires)

- (gasps)

Don't shoot.

- [Ricky] (laughs) Shut up dude.

(winding)

(wind blowing)

(birds singing)

- (sighs)

(sighs) Wanna do another ghost question?

- [Ricky] (huffs) Might as well.

- (sighs)

(tuts)

"Dearest goofers,

"let me start by saying I'm 25 years old

"and I sort of live alone in New York city.

"I used to live with my mom but she died when I was 22.

"Now I, probably more so than the average young adult,

"love my mom," (laughs).

"Really, with all my heart, I just want her to be proud.

"Why do I say this in the present tense?

"Because her ghost hasn't left me since she died.

"My mom and I listen to old records together,

"we slow dance, she sits at the table with me

"as I eat dinner." - [Ricky] "Slow dance."

- "And we even go to the movies,

"that is until I met a girl who lives

"a couple of blocks over, we're really hitting it off.

"We both love Woody Allen movies, we both love tennis,

"and on our first date we watched the sunrise on a rooftop.

"Everything was perfect until I brought her home one night

"and my mom was nowhere to be found

"until I decided to kiss my new girlfriend

"and my mom threw a vase at her and barely missed.

"Now I'm afraid to even see her again,

"is my mom going to kill her, seriously hurt my new crush?

"I don't know what I'd do if she got scared off

"just because I love my mom and would

"never get mad at her, what should I do?"

(laughs)

Fuck this, let's go home.

(shuffling)

(leaves crunching)

Ah, ah fuck!

Goddammit.

(birds singing)

(crickets chirping)

(tapping)

(crickets chirping)

- [Ricky] What do you think about this technique?

I was thinking like... - [Chris] Uh-huh.

- [Ricky] Because you know me having to

walk backwards all the time?

- [Chris] Yeah. - [Ricky] It sucks.

- [Chris] Well, yeah.

- [Ricky] It's just not fun.

But like-- - [Chris] Yeah I would imagine

that that's not fun. - [Ricky] But like by going

around like this, like

kind of in a circle. - [Chris] Ah OK.

In a circle, almost like I'm having a realization.

- [Ricky] Oh yeah, it's a total--

- Or there's just some kind of

meaningful moment happening here now.

- [Ricky] Well yeah, I mean there's a lot

of meaningful moments.

- Yeah.

- [Ricky] You just, you never wanna miss out on them.

- Yeah.

Ricky (laughs).

(static buzzing)

Come stay with me. - [Ricky] Holy fuck.

(menacing laughter) - What?

(shriek of laughter)

(anxious music) (heavy breathing)

Chris, no! (gun fires)

Run!

(panting)

(gun fires)

(static buzzing)

Holy shit!

(static buzzing) Fuck, that's your car!

- [Chris] Hey, hey!

(static buzzing)

(engine rumbling)

- [Ricky] Oh shit dude. (static buzzing)

Chris!

(static buzzing)

(panting)

(static buzzing)

(menacing laughter) (static buzzing)

(distorted static buzzing)

(static buzzing)

(menacing laughter) (static buzzing)

(static buzzing)

(menacing laughter) (static buzzing)

(static buzzing) Oh shit!

Goddammit, you fucking piece of shit!

(winding)

(static buzzing)

(static buzzing) (crickets chirping)

(static buzzing) (panting)

- [Chris] What the fuck?

I can't fucking see!

- [Ricky] Shh, shh. - [Chris] What the fuck?

I can't fucking see!

- [Ricky] Fuck, fuck.

- [Chris] Stay back! (clicking, beep ringing)

- [Ricky] (sobs) Oh please, please.

- [Chris] Get off of me, ah!

(panting) Oh shit, shit!

(panting) (screaming)

(gun fires)

(yelping) (gun fires)

(gun fires) (pained yelling)

(gun fires)

(panting) (static buzzing)

- [Ricky] Ah, shit.

(distant dog barking) (frogs croaking)

Shit. (gun fires)

Dude, go, go, go!

I'll watch your back. (static buzzing)

(static buzzing)

Go, go, go, go!

(menacing laughter)

Ricky, Ricky!

(growling)

(gun fires) Ah, Jesus!

(distorted static buzzing) (Chris laughs menacingly)

Ah, fuck no.

(panting)

(static buzzing)

(panting)

(static buzzing) Oh fuck!

(static buzzing)

Stay back motherfucker.

(gun clicking)

Oh fuck.

(panting)

(Ricky grunts)

(Chris groans) (distorted static buzzing)

That's right bitch.

(panting)

(distorted static buzzing)

Chris, Chris?

(glass shattering) - [Chris] Dude,

we gotta get the fuck out of here, come on.

(panting) (distorted static buzzing)

- [Ricky] Oh fuck.

(glass breaking) (static buzzing)

(distorted cacophony) (distant yelling)

(siren blaring) (static buzzing)

- [Chris] Ricky, behind you!

(gun fires)

(siren blaring) (static buzzing)

(gun fires)

(siren blaring) (static buzzing)

(metal clanging) Fuck!

Come on.

(siren blaring) (glass crunching)

(distorted cacophony) (siren blaring)

Oh fuck!

(siren blaring) (static buzzing)

(high pitched buzzing) Shit!

(siren blaring) (static buzzing)

Alright man, oh fuck. (banging)

(pants) Dude we gotta get the fuck out of here.

(zipping)

Here, take this.

(menacing laughter) - [Chris] Ricky!

- [Ricky] Oh shit! (shriek of laughter)

(gun fires) What the fuck?

Get the camera.

(siren blaring) (static buzzing)

(fizzing) You ready for this?

- [Chris] Yeah.

- [Ricky] Alright,

OK.

- Let's go back to the very beginning.

As far as possible.

(siren blaring) (static buzzing)

(high pitched buzzing)

- [Ricky] Alright, three,

(warping) two, one.

(siren reverberates to a halt)

(distorted static buzzing) (crackling)

(thudding)

(tape winding) (intermittent buzzing)

(static buzzing reverberates)

(thundering)

(birds singing)

Chris?

(eerie music)

Chris?

(anxious pounding music)

Yo, Chris!

Oh.

Shit man, I almost thought you weren't gonna make it.

(loud screaming) (phone buzzing)

Fuck!

(loud screaming) (phone buzzing)

(static hissing) (loud screaming)

(eerie electronic music)

(static buzzing)

(distorted static buzzing)

(crickets chirping) (rustling)

(fly buzzing)

Ah, ah, fuck!

Fucking, goddammit fly, fuck, ah!

(fly buzzing)

No! (fly buzzing)

(crickets chirping)

(rustling)

(fly buzzing) No, not a--

(fly buzzing) Ugh, get the fuck off me.

- [Chris] Ricky.

(distorted static buzzing) (yelling)

(thundering)

(panting)

Now we're even.

- [Ricky] (sighs) That had to be the last one, right?

- I fucking hope so (laughs)

(sighs).

(static buzzing)

(ominous electronic music) (static buzzing)

(distorted static buzzing)

(beeping)

(static buzzing)