All language subtitles for Plump Fiction (1997)

(MILITARY DRUMMING)

And a handful of people
made a shitload of money.

(GUNFIRE)
..life-affirming...

...motion picture.

('PULP FICTION' THEME PARODY)

I love cappuccino. I love the taste of it.
I love the smell of it.

I even love the sound of it -
cappuccino.

If someone held a gun to my head

and forced me to choose
a celebrity - any celebrity -

whose life I'd have to assume,

I'd choose Al Pacino, because my name
would sound like 'cappuccino'.

I would choose Major Nelson
from 'I Dream of Jeannie'.

Having your own girl in a bottle
would be fun.

Yeah, I bet you'd like that,
wouldn't you, Bumpkin'? Ha-ha!

Your own little pin-up girl,

wearing nothing but harem pants
and a halter top,

popping out of a cookie jar
every time you snapped your fingers.

It wasn't a cookie jar.
It was a fancy bottle with a plug.

A stripper in a bottle.
Can you believe that'?

A freakin' call girl in a bottle.

And this was prime time - 7:30 -
right before 'Laugh-In'.

“Yes, master."
“Right away, master."

If I was Barbara Eden,
I would have crossed my arms

and blinked Major Nelson
right into a leather sling.

Then we'd see
who would be master.

Where's that fucking waitress?

What's a sling?

I can't believe
how fucking stupid you are.

Stupid is as stupid...

Whoa.

You say that stupid line
one more time, I'm gonna execute you

and every other pancake-eating
motherfucker in this place.

Do you hear me?
I'm not eating pancakes.

I said, do you hear me?

Yes, OK, I hear you.

Stupid movie.

“Life is just like
a box of chocolates.”

Life is just like a box of shit.

Ah, but what do I care?

I've just written
the most brilliant, violent script

in the history of cinema.

And somebody's
actually producing it.

Look out, Bumpkin,
my star is on the rise.

If your star is on the rise,

how come they banned you
from the set'?

I'll show them.

I'm gonna get my hands
on my first million bucks

and I'll make my own movie
and screw all of 'em.

Oh, actress...
(SIGHS)

...could you bring me
another double cappuccino?

(READS) “I am not an actress.
I am an aspiring filmmaker."

Filmmaker?

WOW!

Why don't we do
a nice, slow tracking shot

of you bringing me...

...another fucking cappuccino?

That wasn't very nice.

Well, nice doesn't
get you anywhere.

Just ask Barbara Eden.

Oww.

Look what I've been sitting on.

Gimme that.

(MAGICAL MUSIC)

Jesus Christ!

What is it?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Do I have a sign on my back
that says 'Blow smoke up my ass'?

Crispin, sweetheart.

Do I have a sign on my back
that says 'Blow smoke up my ass'?

Did you put another sign
on the director's back?

No, no. There's none
that I'm aware of.

No, I do not have such a sign.
You know why I have no such sign?

Because I don't like having smoke
blown up my fuckin' ass!

Now, I got lights, I got cameras,

I got actors, I got a crew,

I even have
a fucking cappuccino machine!

But there's only one thing I don't
have, Bunny. You know what that is?

A script, Bunny.

I don't have a fucking script!

The first day of shooting,
I don't have a fucking script.

Now, listen, unless you want me to
make a movie about a couple of grips

sitting around, jerkin' off
and eating crullers,

you get that script down here pronto!

Yesterday, you fucking hear me?

And don't you blow smoke
up my ass anymore!

I got enough smoke up my ass
to elect a pope in my fuckin' pants!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Bumpkin, take this to the warehouse
in La Grande, Washington.

OK.
And this time, don't screw up.

It's my last copy.

Treat that script as if your life
depended on it.

Because, frankly...

...it does.

Uh, OK.

Love you, Bumpkin.

I love you too, Bunny Rabbit.

That's Roberts! Bunny Roberts!

Fucking retard.

And you, Marcel Marceau, I don't
need some fucking coffee shop mime

throwing attitude at me
like it's fucking rice at a wedding.

Now, you get me that cappuccino now
or I'll blow

that fuckin' bonnet-wearing head
of yours right off.

And that goes for
every last motherfuckin' one of you!

And that goes for every last
motherfuckin' one of you!

('PULP FICTION-STYLE MUSIC)

(GUNSHOTS)

(CREAKING)

(CLANG AND SPLASH)

(RADIO CHANNEL SURFING)

MAN: Sunday, Sunday, Sun...

NEWSREADER: The pair
of serial-killing wrestlers

are still on the loose.

We're gonna be searching
for a high of 70...

SONG: ♪ ..wanna keep you

♪ To wanna do it all
All for you

♪ I wanna be your,
be your rubber ball

♪ I wanna be the one
you love most of all

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ I'm your boogie man
I'm your boogie man

♪ Turn me on
I'm your boogie man... ♪

OK, tell me about
this Tomorrowland.

Alright, so, Tomorrowland
is called Mananaville,

but everything else in Tomorrowland
is in French.

No shit?

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Space Mountain.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)
That's that Star Wars ride, you know'?

What's it called?
Star Tours.

Right you are.

And all the characters
are in French too.

You know what they call Goofy'?
What?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

You know what they call Mickey?

You keep going, cat.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

That's groovy.
Now, what about Dumbo?

I dunno. I didn't make it over
to Fantasy land.

But I did see the Little Mermaid.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Had her right in front.
Check this out.

You know in the cartoon,
in the commercials,

she's got those two shells
covering her breasts?

Right, right.

Nothing-Get out of town.

These two enormous
surf-and-turf tits

just hangin' out
in the Disney daylight.

Damn!
Yeah.

Apparently in Europe,
seeing a woman's tits

is like an everyday thing.

So she's just sitting up there
waving at the kids.

Families huddle around
taking her picture.

Hair up in a bun?
You better believe it.

Eh, this black motherfucking
hairy-ass nigger's

gotta get his ass down there,
I'm telling you that right now.

Shit!
Look out!

(TREYS SCREECH)
(THUMP!)

You hit something.

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

Get that fuckin' bug
off the hood of my car.

Ugh!

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Uh-oh. No page numbers.

Fucking bug, huh. We should have
a grenade for this type of shit.

Maybe we just spray him
with your Jeri curl.

Say, man, this is real hair, OK'?
Helps a nigger's hair relax.

You wouldn't know
nothing about that shit.

Why don't you relax?
How many of them up there, man?

The whole place
is probably crawling with them.

And only sends two of us'?
Well, you know Monticello.

Damn, we should have a fuckin' Uzi.

(DOG BARKS)
WOMAN: Will you stop that...

Is that the revolutionary
new pesticide you been working on?

Eh, man, that's gonna get this brother
out of this bullshit exterminating suits

into an Armani suit.

I might even end up with a Porsche.
Like most fly niggers.

Eh, Julius,
it's a fuckin' doughnut.

This is a lethal puff pastry.

Within the walls
of this flaky golden crust

is a Bavarian cream
laced with DDT.

Enough to exterminate
a whole tenement.

Lay one of these suckers
on the kitchen counter,

you wake up the next morning,
it's like fucking cockroach Jonestown.

Yeah, and kill an entire family.
Huh'?

You can't leave a fuckin' poisonous
doughnut laying on the counter.

Somebody's gonna eat it.

Not if you tell them it's poisonous.

WOMAN: I said, would you shut...
Give me that fuckin' doughnut.

...that goddamn dog up?!
We spray once.

Oh, man.
And that's it.

But then they gonna come right back.
Uh-huh, then we'll come back.

That's how we make a living.

No, that's how Monticello makes
a fuckin' living.

I don't get paid enough
for this bullshit.

Say, you know what they call
an eclair in New Zealand'?

So, what's her name again?
Mimi.

They say she's plump.
Yeah.

Used to be an exotic dancer.

Monticello likes his women party-size.

Oh, yeah? Not me.
I don't like fat chicks.

Yeah, right.
I don't.

Yeah, OK.
Serious, man.

Yeah, whatever.
Fat, me, no can do.

Uh-huh. Yeah, right.
I'm tellin' you.

Let me tell you something -
200 years ago,

you would've been singing
a different tune, my friend.

Is that so'?
Yes.

A man's prowess was measured
by the size of his wife.

The bigger, the better, OK'?

Fat women were revered.

200 years ago, that little mermaid
at Euro Disney

would've looked more like
Free Willy.

(LIFT DOOR PINGS)

I hear this Mimi is a real handful.

Remember that kung-fu dude
with the black belt and the nunchaks,

Tony Krakatoa?

Used to call him
Polly Want a Cracker?

Little guy,
always smelled like cheese?

Mm-hm. Nacho.
Right.

Mm-hm.

Well, word around the X-ray room
is that those same nunchaks he had,

he's wearing on the inside.

Sets off every metal detector
there is on the LAX

just by driving by the place.

All on account of
a certain plump ex-stripper.

She used to strip?
Mm-hm.

Well, uh... what did he do?
Make fun of her?

Helped her wax her moustache.

She has a moustache?
Not anymore.

Supposedly, the bitch wanted to
get rid of some unsightly facial hair,

convinced Tony Krakatoa
to help her out.

Now he's wearing two wooden sticks
inside his monkey motherfucking ass.

Shittin' sawdust.

What's her name again?

Mimi. Why are you so worried
about the bitch's name?

Monticello asked me to show her
a good time while he's down in Tijuana.

“Show her a good time"?

No, not like that.

Oh.

Show her a good time.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Not like that either.

Just take her out for some coffee,
keep her from getting bored.

MAN: Whoo-hoo!
Three's my lucky number, baby.

WOMAN: Nicky.

(NICKY GRUNTS)
(BED SPRINGS CREAK)

(NICKY LAUGHS)
(SQUELCH)

Sounds like we caught somebody
with their pants down.

WOMAN: Who is it'?
Exterminator.

Did you call the...
Come on, you two honeymooners.

Open up. You're standing in the path
of the workin' man.

(OMINOUS CHORD)

Holy shit.
JULIUS: Stay cool, Jimmy.

We could hear you. You don't need
to be braying like a mule.

You just caught me and Nicky here

in the middle of some
real important business.

Ain't that right, baby?
That's right, baby.

Real important business.

So I guess you'll just have to
come back some other time.

Alrighty. Let's go.

Wait a second, Kato.

So you are... you're asking us
to reschedule?

She ain't askin' you nothin',
spray boy.

I'm telling you.

Now pick up your fucking bug cans
and get out!

(GUNFIRE)

(SCREAMS)
Mommy!

(SCREAMS)

Holy shit!
Holy shit, no!

Holy shit is when
some pissed-off waitress

spills coffee on your lap because
you're acting like a sonofabitch, OK'?

Watchin' two inbred, gun-toting psychos
try to fill you with lead

because you're trying to rectify
an ant problem?!

That's not holy shit, my friend.

That's not even holy fuckin' shit.

You know what that is?
That is a miracle.

A miracle?
That's right, I said a miracle.

We could've been killed up there,
motherfucker.

But you know what, Jimmy'?

I've had it.
That's right, I've had it.

No more bug-hunting door-to-door
candygram bullshit for me.

And you can tell Monticello
that shit too.

From now on, he can exterminate
his own fucking roaches.

Come on, Julius.

Exterminating's all you know.
What are you gonna do, walk the earth'?

Hey, man, I said, “Fuck that shit."
I'm going to find my own way.

Maybe I'll start my own
exterminating business or something.

(MEN WHOOP)
And I'll exterminate anybody

who get in my fucking way.

Ooh!
Man!

Get your dim-witted ass
out of the goddamn way.

(CROWD CHEERS)
(BELL CLANGS)

(GAS PS)

I had that nightmare again, Vallory.

Me too, Nicky.

The one where Bonnie Franklin
had her own TV show again.

Oh! No, the other one.

Where we're forced to watch
that unwatchable movie

about our truly fantastic lives.

'Natural Blonde Killers'?

Damn that Gulliver Stone
for making that convoluted film.

Do I look like a blonde to you, baby?

No, you don't, sweetness.

You're just a guy in a bad bald cap

and my hair's a black and stringy
white-trash mix.

We were well on our way to becoming
the most infamous homicidical maniacs

this country's ever seen.

And now look at us,
wallowing in obscurity

as a couple of ridiculous
tag team wrestlers.

Well, we're gonna change
all that tonight, sweetness.

The Nicky and Vallory of old
are about to weave

their most intoxicating spell
over all of America.

Once we doublecross Monticello
and, um... win this match,

we'll have enough money to stage the
most violent and memorable comeback

in serial-killing history.

And then we...
BOTH: Get Gulliver Stone!

Oh, no, you don't.

None of that 'took too much acid',
'who shot JFK',

'let's do mushrooms
with Jim Morrison' shit with us!

Not this time! God!

You wanna make a film about us'?

Then you gotta do like we do.

Just point...

...and shoot.

You got that'?

Well, alright.

Oh... l love you, Nicky.

I love you, Vallory.

(SQUELCHY KISSING)

Hey, yo! Break it up. Break it up.

Well, well, well.

Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.

You two finished
slobbering all over each other?

Now, listen up. It's showtime.

No more funny stuff.

You go down inside of 1O minutes

or I'll have the two of you
roasted over an open fire

like two fucking chestnuts
faster than you can say Nat King Cole.

Capisce?

You get it?

Then say it.

Huh? Huh?

Repeat what I just said.

BOTH: Oh.

You stay on Nat King Cole's nuts...
You two fucking chestnuts...

...until we're in the third round.
..are gonna fuckin' be roasting.

Alright, alright! Forget it.

Just go down
in the first 1O minutes.

That was quite a charm
on Montello's bracelet.

Are you thinkin'
what I'm thinkin', sweetness?

About Pamela Anderson
on that surfboard nude?

No, Nicky!

I'm thinking that we snatch
that briefcase on our way out of here

and then we could add
a little insult to, um...

...injury.

I love the way you think, baby.

Let's do it.

Now do you think I'm sexy, huh?

SONG: ♪ Woman,
take me in your arms... ♪

You had ants, Kandy.

You had fleas in every fucking room
in your house.

Remember, you called me up, crying,

saying, “Montello, please!
Please take the vermin away."

And my boys came and you couldn't pay
your extermination bill.

So I opened up my heart,

allowing you to come into this
dank and mouldy room every night

and take off all your clothes
in front of drunken low-life,

pathetic scumbag strangers,

so you could afford
to pay me back.

But that was four years ago.

Monticello, I have paid you back
for the frigging extermination.

Did the ants
ever come back, Kandy?

(SIGHS)

No. No.

Because I did my job.

And you don't leave here
until you finish yours.

('ROCK YOUR BABY' PLAYS)
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Bonjour, Rhonda.

Jimmy. They let you back
in the country? Good move.

Say, Rhonda,

do you wanna hear what they call
a bartender in Albania?

No.
Are you sure? It's kinda wacky.

Keep it in your pants, Sundance.

So, is the big guy around?

He's over there.

Talking to one of the strippers.

Now, all this money
might seem unfair,

but if it's any consolation to you,
I just took it up the butt myself.

Couple of whacked-out wrestlers
doublecrossed me

and made off with
a very valuable briefcase.

So, do we feel good about this?

Say it.

We feel good about this.

Like you mean it.

We feel good about this.

Good.

Now say it like you're underwater.

What?

Say it.

(GURGLES)
We feel good about this.

Hey, Jimmy-

I hear you're taking Mimi out
to break some bread.

Yeah, well, Monticello wants me
to spend the afternoon with her.

Whatever you do,
don't let her eat Mexican.

(MARIACHI MUSIC)
Mexican'?

Yeah, you know, tacos,
fajitas, enchiladas.

Why not'?

'Cause that's when
all the trouble starts.

Trouble?
Yeah.

You didn't hear
about Tony Krakatoa?

I heard some things.

All I know is Mimi sends Tony out
for some chimichangas, right?

The next thing you know, he's packed
tighter than a Japanese subway

at rush hour!

Hey, Jimmy-

You wanna know what they call
a burrito over at Montello's house?

What?
They don't, stupid!

Haven't you been listening?

No Mexican!

Putz.

You strippers will do anything
for a buck.

(LAUGHS) Come on, now.
Get out of here before I wet my pants.

Come on, squee-zam,
you fuckin'...

Nice tinsel.
Fuck off.

Hey, hey! There he is!

Jimmy Nova!
Mr Eurotrash himself. Hey!

You kill any bugs for me
this morning'?

I'm back on the job.
Attaboy.

I can see, travelling around the world,
you haven't lost your touch.

Wanna hear what they call
a cockroach in Botswana?

Why the fuck
would anybody wanna know that'?

Now, look, this afternoon,
I'm sending you out

on your most important job yet.

Now, you know my Mimi
means the world to me.

And if anything should happen to
my sweet, plump, adorable little Mimi,

I couldn't be held accountable
for my actions.

I hear ya.
Good.

So, we feel good about this?

Say it.

We feel good about this.

Good.

Now, say it like there was
a hot poker up your ass.

('CRIMSON & CLOVER' BY TOMMY
HAMES AND THE SHONDELLS)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

MIMI: “Jimmy.

“I'm slipping into
something more comfortable.

“The door's unlocked.

“Come on in and..."
(BURPS)

“..make yourself at home.

“Mimi."

Hello? (KNOCKS AT DOOR)

Anybody home?

Mimi?

(OVER P.A. SYSTEM) Hello, Jimmy.

Is that you?

Hey! Turn it down, will ya'?
(NOISY FEEDBACK)

There. Is that better, cowboy'?

Yeah, it's much better.
Hey, where the hell are ya'?

I'm gonna be another minute
putting on my face.

Why don't you take off your jacket
and stay a while, Tex'?

Alright.

Say, uh...

...can I use
the little cowpokes' room'?

What?

I need to lead my horse to water.

What are you talking about?

I gotta take a leak, alright?

Oh. Knock yourself out.

Just remember, all employees
must wash their hands

before returning to work.

That means you, partner.

Which way?

Right behind you.

First door on your right.

Hurry back so we can... mambo.

(LATIN AMERICAN DANCE MUSIC)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Now, what did Daddy's little hit man
bring Mimi for being so good?

(TOILET FLUSHES)
Bingo!

Mmm, mmm...
(GASPS)

Mmm!
oh-my God!

Mimi! No!
Oh, God, it's great.

Hey!
Bring it up.

(GRUNTS)
Come on. Come on.

(GRUNTS) Ooh! Ahh!

God! Buy me a drink first.

You just swallowed
that whole eclair'?

Relax. I'll buy you another.

No. You don't understand. It's...

Stale'? I know.

But I had to have something.

I have this little
blood sugar problem.

Didn't Monticello tell you?

So...

...how do I look?

Er... nice.

(CRASH)

Really nice.

To keep our little date
from becoming a complete snore,

we have to make
a little pit stop first.

I hope you brought some protection.
Protection?

I have to pick something up
in Van Nuys.

How do you expect to protect me
if you didn't bring a little heat, Starsky'?

JIMMY: God!
You're the worst driver.

SONG: ♪ Dead kings,
many things I can't define

♪ Occasions, persuasions
clutter your mind

♪ Incense and peppermints,
the colour of time

♪ Who cares
what games we choose'?

♪ Little to win
but nothing to lose. ♪

Honey.
Coming, Pookie.

Look who just dropped by
for a quick pick-me-up.

(LAUGHS)
Mimi, you minx!

Where the dickens
have you been?

Mimi, your new hairdo is just
so much fun. Show it to Les.

Les, honey,
isn't Mimi's hairjust F-U-N?

W-O-W.
BOTH: Wow!

Thank you.
(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Who's your friend?

Oh, this is Jimmy Nova.

He's my escort for the afternoon.

He works for Monticello.

BOTH: Ooh.

Bang bang, huh, Jimmy'?
Wild.

Your money or your wife, huh?

It's not what you think.
I'm just an exterminator.

I bet you're murder with that Magnum
weapon of yours, aren't you, scamp'?

Ooh!

(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)

Bang bang.
Ouch.

Right through the heart.
(BOTH LAUGH FORCEDLY)

(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)

Well, you two didn't come all the way
over here just to stand by a lava lamp.

Mimi, wait till you see the shipment
that Les just got in.

It's some incredible stuff.

Show me!

This way to the bean bag.

(FARTING NOISES)
(CANNED LAUGHTER)

You are gonna love this stuff.

(MIMI GASPS) Ohh!

Jesus, Mimi.

This is Topolo, from Colombia.
Very rich.

This is Chaco -
bitter but equally as good.

And this...

...is Basco.

Ohh.
From the Black Forest of Germany.

(BOTH SNIGGER)

Now, these two are the same -
45 and ounce.

These are friend prices.

This one... this one's 75.

$75? Is it worth it'?

Mimi, this Basco is wild.

It's crazy with a 'K'.

OK. I'll take $500 worth.

Hold on a second there, Mimi.

Look, what you do on your own time,
that's your business.

But today you're with me,
and I'm not driving around

with a shitload of hashish.

(LAUGHS) Are you insane, Columbo'?
It's not hashish.

It's chocolate.

It's black-market fudge, Jimmy.
(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Did he say 'hash'?

(LAUGHS)
Jimmy, this is the Valley.

Mind if I spark some up
right here?

(CAN N ED LAUGHTER)

Please do.
Our casa is your casa.

Um... l can't get it open.

Oh, they double-seal 'em like that
for customs.

Here, help me out with this, Samson.

I'll get a knife.
JIMMY: I can't get it.

Do you have any cookies?

Just give it to me.

I need some sugar!

Please, I'm feeling a little...

God, Mimi!

Oh, my God, I've killed her!

She ate my eclair.

Believe me, it'll take a lot more
than a doughnut to kill Mimi.

It's her blood sugar.
She's in shock.

Oh, you're right.
She told us this could happen.

Les, honey, grab some orange juice
from the fridge.

Jimmy, check her bag
for some dextrose.

We're gonna have to give her a shot.
Is this it'?

Yes. Now, just roll her over
while I figure out how to... read this.

Oh, my God,
Montello's gonna kill me.

We're all out of concentrate.
I'm gonna have to make some fresh.

Honey, please. Lamb chop,
just get her something sweet.

Anything with cubes.
Orange juice.

Hang in there, Mimi,
Jimmy's not gonna let you die.

What do I do?

“Locate and expose the upper forward
quadrant of either gluteus maximus.”

What the fuck does that mean?
LES: Show us her butt.

Thanks, Pookie.

Ooh! She's got a tattoo!

Oh, that?

It's actually a little map. See'?

It points the way
to the nearest Burger World.

Now what?

“Indicate intended point
of penetration

“by marking the area
with a large

Mark it with what?

What are you doing?
Oh, Pink on Purpose.

Here? Here, use this.

No, here.
I believe they meant here, thank you.

No, silly, the upper quadrant
is right here.

No, I'm positive it's here.

Get out of the way!
No! Oww!!

(SCREAMS)

Mimi. Say something.

Ugh!

I need a cookie! NOW!

(TREYS SCREECH)

MIMI: God!

The least you could have done
was rent a decent car.

The least you could do
is say thank you.

Oh, for what, slamming a needle
halfway up my ass?

You hit me in my eye!

And you didn't even grab
my fucking chocolate!

That's it, I'm taking you home.

No, this is my afternoon,
and you have to do what I want.

You wouldn't want me to tell Monticello
that you deprived me of food

and nearly forced his new wife
into a coma, would you?

What is this place?
It's the Independent Cafe.

Isn't it great?

All the waiters and waitresses

dress like characters from
your favourite independent movies.

(DRYLY) Fantastic.

You! You... can eat a bucket of fuck!

Bitch.

Hello. I'm Priscilla,
queen of the desserts.

Ohh! (CHUCKLES)

I'll be your waitress
this afternoon.

Table for two?

Well, we'd like a private table
so we can tell secrets.

I understand. Walk this way.

Look!

Sorry about the mess.

We had a little incident
this afternoon

in the piano section.

He had a gun
and he had a Jeri curl?

Come, come, come.

Wow! That body looks real.

Cool!

What's this?
Oh, that's Movie Karaoke.

While you wait for your food,

you can participate
in scenes from your favourite movie.

Johnny! They took
my fuckin' thumb, Johnny!

'Sound of Music'. (LAUGHS)

Watch your backs.

Back up, cracker.
Coffee comm' through for the man.

Do the right thing, mookie.

Get the fuck outta my way
before I take your fuckin' ear.

Well, I tell ya, you know, I had
this tuna fish salad sandwich

up my ass for two years.

Enjoy.

She's not retarded,
she's deaf.

PRISCILLA: Ohh!

She's not deaf,
she's just refusing to talk.

(SHOUTS) What did the guy look like?

Jesus Christ.

Careful of the corpse.
Slippery when wet.

That body looks like it has no head.

Oh, look!
JIMMY: Hm?

Mia Farrow and Moe Howard.

He was the hottest Stooge -
so cruel.

Today's specials are listed on the back.

Oh, what's a Crying Game appetiser?

Well, we tell you it's an absolutely
fabulous assortment of raw fish,

then we bring you a hot dog instead.

Oh. And the Watervvorld platter?

That's just a cheese sandwich,

but it costs $270.

Oh.

You go ahead, Jimmy.
I just can't decide.

Alright.

I'll just have the Woody Allen
with an extra pickle, thank you.

Er, sorry, sir.
That's our children's menu.

You have to be under-aged
to get the Woody.

Oh.

I'll have the El Mariachi.

(WAVE SPLASHES, GUITAR STRUMS)

What's that'?
That's our cheapest dish.

For 1.99,
you get two tacos, a tostada,

a fajita, a burrito, an enchilada,

chilli relyenos...
No, no, thanks.

That's OK.

No.

We'll just have two hamburgers,
some fries and a couple of Cokes.

Mmm. How original.

I wanted the El Mariachi.

Yeah, and I don't want
any more trouble.

('YOU SEXY THING'
BY HOT CHOCOLATE)

(CRUNCHES)

(CHEWS NOISILY)

Don't you hate that'?
What?

Those uncomfortable silences
that occur

when two alluring strangers
are thrown together by fate

and their pheromones
do all the talking.

Pheromones'?

You know, those imperceptible scents
that animals give off to attract a mate.

(TRUMPETS)

(WHINNIES)

(CROAKS)

Are you saying I smell?

I'm saying that maybe one of us
should think of something to talk about

before our more natural instincts
take over.

So...

I hear you used to strip.

Strip?! Who told you that'?

I just... l heard...
Monticello, I believe, mentioned it.

My husband used the word 'strip'?

Well, not necessarily.
I believe what he said was...

Because I did not strip, OK'?
I was an exotic dancer.

There is a big difference.
Naturally, there is.

Maybe you heard of me -
Cherry Lee?

Cherry Lee?
Yeah, it was my stage name.

Like the cookies and the cakes?

“Everybody doesn't like
something..."

“But nobody didn't like Cherry Lee."

Jelly bean.

Now, I'm gonna go
powder my nose.

And when I come back,
I want you to think of a secret to tell me.

(PANTS STRETCH LOUDLY

MAN: Hello. This thing on? Hello?

I had this monitor up my ass
for two years.

I had this gun up my ass
for two years.

And I liked it.

WOMAN: We're gonna pose as nuns

whose station wagon breaks down
in front of the club.

Monticello doesn't leave for the bank
until around 2:00,

so at 1:30, this should
give us plenty of time.

I'm gonna smack him in the head
with this,

you're gonna grab the cash
and hide it in this.

We're gonna be
out of there for good.

No more pasties...
(SNORTS)

...and no more freakin' Monticello.

No names, no worries.

If you have to talk,
you call me Sister Mary,

Sister Sister,

Sister Sledge,

Sister Ruth

and Sister Batril.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Why do I have to be Sister Batril?

'Cause I'm the one
handing out the names.

Sister Batril was played by Sally Fields.
I don't like Sally Fields.

I liked her
in 'Smokey and the Bandit'.

Yeah, she was very good
in 'Places in the Heart'.

She won a freakin' Oscar.
She made a great psycho in 'Sybil'.

My mother, my daughter,
my mother, my daughter.

She was way over the top
in 'Soapdish'.

Wait, wasn't she a nun in 'Gidget'?

No, she was identical cousins
in 'Gidget'.

No, that was Patty Hearst.

No, it was Patty Duke.

No, that was...
SISTER MARY: Quiet!

I don't wanna be Sister Batril.

WOMAN: I'll be Batril.
WOMAN 2: Great.

SISTER MARY: No!
There's no switching names.

You're Sister Batril
or you're outta here!

But that makes me
the freakin' fuckin' Flyin' Nun.

SISTER MARY: Deal with it.

What's with the nuns?

Some sort of
religious jamboree?

Perhaps they're rethinking
that ninja motif.

SISTER MARY: Hey, Liz Taylor.

You mind? This is a private meeting.

Oh. Sorry, sisters.

Fuckin' penguins.

(GAS PS) An Olsen twin!

Hey. Are you OK'?

Much better, thank you.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know
what's taking our food so long.

It should've been here.
Here, have a bread stick.

Would you relax? I'm fine.

Well, 1O minutes ago, you were
threatening to lapse into a coma.

Well, that was 1O minutes ago.

Now I wanna do something fun.

Fun?
Yeah.

I wanna dance.

WOMAN: Whoa!

I don't think that's a good idea.

I believe Monticello,
my husband, your boss,

told you to let me do
whatever I want.

Well, now I wanna dance.

I don't really think
this is the time.

Or shall we tell my husband
that you had me go into insulin shock

so you could throw my dress
over my head

and play tic-tac-toe
on my ass, huh?

Ha.

Maybe in a minute and...

(CHOKES)

SONG: ♪ He's got a union card
and he's practising hard

♪ To play the guitar
Gonna be a big star

♪ Yeah, he's gonna go far
and carry moonbeams home in a jar

♪ He ordered
Chefs guitar course COD

♪ Makes A and E
and he's workin' on B

♪ Digs C and W
and R'n'B

♪ And me and a chimpanzee agree

♪ That one day soon
he'll be a celebrity

♪ Get it, get it, get it

♪ Get it, oww!
Gitarzan!

♪ He's a guitar man

♪ He's all you can stand

♪ Give him a hand, Gitarzan... ♪

(TARZAN YELL)

JIMMY: Mimi! Put me down!

Put me down!

Ooh, Mommy...

(G R U NTS)
Whoa!

(LAUGHS) Ohh!
(BANG)

I can't believe
they asked us to leave.

I hope you didn't tip.

People were complaining.

Must've been the stupid nuns.

Look, er, maybe we should
just call it a day.

Well, we haven't even
had lunch yet.

Oh, look, look! You just passed
Burrito Barn. Oh.

Look, look, don't you have any food
over at your place?

Oh, and, look, there's Taco Hut.

They have these chimichangas -
they're these little penis-shaped pastries.

Oh, God. Just thinking about them
gets me damp.

Maybe we could zip on over to your
house, I can make a tuna sandwich.

I want some gum.

Huh?

I said pull over
so I can buy some gum!

(TREYS SQUEAL)
Mimi!

What, are you fucking nuts?

Now, you wait here and I'll be out
in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

(PANTS)
They shake their tails real fast.

No! (PANTS)

Touches.

Two minutes!
Two minutes and I'm going!

MAN: Turn-offs include
cruelty to animal and vain people.

That make-up she's wearing
I'm sure is tested on lab rats.

That shaved muff
is the ultimate form of vanity.

Hey, clerks!

(BELL RINGS)

Bigger budget.

(BELL RINGS)

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

(SINGS ALONG TO RADIO)
♪ 'Cause I made my mind up

♪ You're going to be mine

MAN ON RADIO:
♪ I'll tell you right now... ♪

0h, my God!

It's Taco Tuesday!

Mimi!

(MIMI CHOMPS AND SLURPS)

No.

(EATS LUSTILY)

(PURRS)

Hola, Jimmy.

(SPITS)

Mimi, your hair.
You look... Oh, Lord.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

('MY SHARONA'-LIKE DRUMBEAT
PLAYS)

oh! (GROVVLS)

(SURF GUITAR MUSIC)

Mimi! No mas.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Jesus Christ, Mimi.
What the hell did you do that for'?

I hate that song.

(GUN COCKS)

And I hate the bloody Quickie Mart.

Look at this place.

You know how much bleach I'm gonna
have to use to clean up this mess,

you stupid American pig?

Peugh-peugh! (SPITS)

Now drop the gun,
Mr Buffalo Bill,

before I blast you
and Calamity Jane here

so far into next week, you'll have
to time-travel just to take a dump.

Coming into my store
and waving your big gun around

like you were
walking past the White House.

Nobody shoots nobody
in this Quickie Mart

except for Jean-Claude Ennui.

You try to steal something,
I shoot you.

You read my magazines, I shoot you.

You make a mess at the Lotto station

using all my forms,
breaking all my pens, I shoot you.

(EXCLAIMS FRENCHILY)

But that is me, Jean-Claude Ennui.

And now... (COCKS GUN)

...I'm-a shoot you.

Oh, God.
Oh.

Unless you wanted
to buy something first.

(BOTH AGREE WORDLESSLY)

(BELL RINGS)

Ah, merde!
I forgot to flip the sign!

(EXCLAIMS ANGRILY)

Hmm'?

This killing will have to wait.

What?

You think I am
some stupid American pig

who's gonna leave you here
all by yourselves

so you could wiggle your way free
and drink all my Yoo-hoo?

I'm going to get the gimp.

(CLAPS) Gimp!

Gimp!

Gimp! (SPEAKS FRENCH)

Hurry, Gimp, get out here!

(CREAKING AND SCRAPING)

(BANGING AND CLUNKING)

(ZIPPING)

(SPEAKS FRENCH) American pig.

Heel!

Heel! Heel!

Heel! Heel! Heel-heel!

Sit. Sit.

Now roll over.

Roll over!

Good girl!

You stay.

Stay! Stay!

Isn't she delicious?

Oh, but the fleas - ooh, la, la!

And I tried everything -
the dip, the spray, the collar.

But still she scratches.

Hey! Who do you have to
fuck around here to get a slushie?

I'll be right there!

Customers.

Jesus.

OK, Gimp -
time to watch the prisoners

while Jean-Claude overcharges
some American pig for her soda.

Nell nee pee-chickopay.

(GAS PS)

Nell... wat... pridner?

In go ain... let Nell free'?

Like tay... in a winn?

Tay... in a winn?

Tay... in a winn!

That's right. Bla-bla-bla.

Now, you keep talking like that

until you make
their freaking ears bleed.

And if that doesn't kill you,
I'll be back to do the job myself.

WOMAN: Hello?
Alright, alright, I'm coming!

Nell... cardayo... gard-ayn.

But Nell no like deyo.

Deyo eh doer.
No led Nell... tay... winn.

Tay in a winn.

Tay in a winn.

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Have a nice day, now.
You stupid American pig.

Hey! Pepé Le Pew!

How about a little coq au vin'?

(BANG!)

(LAUGHS) Oh! That's just great.

(BELL RINGS)
Hey! What the hell's that'?

You must've set the alarm off.

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Let's get out of here.
Let's go out the back.

Yeah, what about the gimp?

Ta-ta in the winn, little chickie,
ta-ta in the winn.

What a moron.

Watch it!
Holy shit!

Stop this fucking car.

Alright, out!
Mimi!

Drive!

Alright, let's go.

Out of the car, Julie Andrews.

Watch it, I'm a fucking nun!

(GASPS) Holy fuck,
you're Montello's wife.

Bite me, Ann-Margret.

(HORN HONKS)

Quit it, will ya'?
This is my boyfriend's car!

(HORN HONKS)
Oh, yeah?

Well, I got a message
for your fucking boyfriend.

(GRUNTS)

What the fuck are you doing?
Just drive.

WOMAN: Hey, what about us'?

(ANGELIC CHORAL CHORDS)

Oh, sweet Jesus.
Hang on.

(TREYS SQUEAL

I don't believe it!
You just shot a nun!

She wasn't a nun.
She said she had a boyfriend.

Yeah, well, maybe she meant
God was her boyfriend.

Ever think of that'?
What?

Did you ever hear
of being married to the Church?

Oh, and they were just
going steady? Please.

What's the difference between
purgatory and limbo, huh?

Huh?!

(ALL SCREAM)

What are you doing?
See'? They don't know.

They're not nuns.

Yeah, what is the difference
between purgatory and limbo?

Well, purgatory is like mini-hell
and limbo is like...

Christ!

Well, if I was a fucking nun,
I'd know.

Right, sisters?
(BANG!)

(NUNS SCREAM)

Fuck!
She got my ear.

Did you kill any of 'em'?

No, but I got their penguin.

I know. The beak
is sticking me in the neck.

Do I have anything on me?

No. You look great.

That's it. You're cool.
You're gonna be just fine.

Stupid cow
just shot me in the stomach.

I am not cool.
I'm gonna fucking die.

You're not gonna die.

Holy shit! Just slipped
on my own intestine.

You gotta get me to a hospital!

I'm taking you
to the rendezvous point.

No!
Yes!

That's the plan.

I'm losing life. I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna fucking die!

Arggh!

And now I just lost a lens. Great.

As if bleeding to death wasn't enough,
now I lose a fucking contact lens!

I'm not gonna see the light -
the tunnel, the light.

I'm gonna go right past the light
and go straight to hell!

Enough! You're not gonna die, OK'?

You're bleeding now,
but everything is gonna be fine.

Now, come on.
Ow.

Great. You just broke a nail.
God!

SONG: ♪ Here we come

♪ Walking down the street

♪ We get the funniest looks from

♪ Everyone we meet

♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monkees

♪ And people say we monkey around

♪ But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down... ♪

Who's the best nun?
You're the toughest, yeah?

I'm the toughest.
You're the toughest.

Ah!

Watch where you're fucking going,
you stupid prick.

Sorry, sisters.

I'm tired. I believe
I will stop running.

Everything3 gonna be... fine.

Great! Now the fucking cops
are after us.

What do you mean? What happened?
What happened?

That fat chick with the... with
the Magnum and the Cleopatra hairdo

started taking pot shots at us!

What?

Blew that fuckin' penguin right out of my
hands. I think she got a piece of my ear.

What happened to the car?
Fuck the car!

What about these outfits, huh?

I got powder burns on my wimple
and you've both got blood all over yours.

Relax.

I swiped these fucking habits from
the dressing-room at my kid's school.

They're doing a fucking benefit
tonight at 8:00.

And you can't do a production
of 'The Sound of Music'

without fuckin' habits.

Where's Frankie's car?
Fuck Frankie!

Fuck this whole fuckin' stupid plan.

Shit! Fuck! Somebody ratted us out.

Did you see who that was?
That fat chick with the gun.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was Montello's wife.

Montello's fuckin' gun-totin'
nun-shootin' wife.

You said you had this covered.
How'd she find out about this, huh?

I don't know. I don't know!

One of us is not a stripper.

One of us is a lyin' bitch

who was fuckin' Monticello,
and now she's fuckin' all of us.

Who are you calling a bitch,
you fuckin' whore'?!

You couldn't table-dance
your way out of a paper bag!

Little fucking MOTH E R FUCKE R!

Hey, Sister Batril, relax.

She said I...
I know what she said.

And I said relax.
Put the gun away.

I said put the gun away!

I could win a fuckin' Nobel prize
for table dancing.

Everybody's gotta keep their head.

Now, what happened to Sister Sister
and Sister Sledge?

I don't know!
I didn't stick around to find out.

Fucking bullshit!

We didn't even get
the fucking money.

We'll get the fucking money!
Kandy?

I feel dizzy.

You told her your name?

I can't believe you told her
your fuckin' name.

She's bleeding to death.
What the fuck was I supposed to do?

What happened to the plan, huh?

No names, no worries!

I had to improvise, OK'?

Yeah, well, your plan sucks.

This whole nun thing was fucked
to begin with.

I don't wanna be Sister Batril.

I'll be Batril.
Great.

No! There's no switching names.

You're Sister Batril
or you're out of here!

Hey, Liz Taylor!

You mind?
This is a private meeting.

Oh, sorry, sisters.

Fuckin' penguins.

Maybe she knew all along!

Well, somebody had to tip her off.
I think it was Sister Sledge.

(SIRENS WAIL)

Speak of the devil.

Who called the cops?
We don't know.

We think somebody's
trying to fuck us up.

Yeah? Well, they're
doing a good job!

Arggh!
Sorry.

I think I smell a rat.

Sure you don't mean a bat,
Sister Bat-ril?

Why don't you close those
scrawny little legs, give us all a break?

You're the one that tipped off
Monticello, you fuckin' bitch.

I got a tip for you,
you scrawny piece of trash.

You best back off Iced Mocha

'fore she tears you a whole new hole
to shake at your customers.

Oh, yeah?!

(BOTH SCREAM AND YELL)

And you can say your name,
you asshole! You fucked up!

I've had enough!

Sister Sledge is cool.
I picked her myself.

She hates Monticello
more than any of us.

How do we know
it's not you, Batril?

You're the one who's running around
pointing all the fingers.

What the fuck you talkin' about?

(SCOFFS) I supplied
the fucking costumes!

Oh, yeah?
Well, I've never seen you strip.

I ain't even seen her pastie.

Yeah, and them
mosquito bites of yours

certainly ain't the tits
of an exotic dancer.

Show us your tits!
Yeah, bitch!

Yeah!

Where'd you get this one,
Sister Mary?

I didn't. She came to me.

Don't you fuckin' fuck with me!

It's been you who's been
fucking with us all this time.

Drop the gun, Bah“.

Make her drop it first!

Sledge, this ain't the way.

Back off, Kandy. Don't pull
that mother superior crap with me.

Put it down, Sledge!

It's Batril! I know it is.

You stay the fuck out of this,
Sister Ruth.

Go ahead, you bloody bitch,
let me finish ya!

(ALL YELL AND ARGUE)

(GUNSHOTS)

(ALL SCREAM)

Would you shut up?

We're trying to shoot
a fuckin' movie in here!

If the fucking script
would ever get here!

MAN: Do you want that cappuccino?

Enough with the fuckin' cappuccino!

(BELL RINGS)

ANNOUNCER: And in the world
of Federation Tag Team Wrestling,

a fatal upset last night
as Nicky and Vallory Cox

defeated and inadvertently killed the
famed tag team wrestling champions

the brothers McMullen.

The pair escaped
and are currently being sought

to answer to three separate charges
of criminal manslaughter.

In other news...

Whoo-hoo!
Three's my lucky number, baby.

Old Monticello
never knew what hit him.

Oh. Oh, that's it, baby.

(POP SONG PLAYS)
Oh, yeah.

Bring that booty over here, baby.

Ow!

Ooh, watch your nipples.
Don't fucking help me or nothing.

So, what are you saying?

A man can't pull melted wax off a bitch's
face without it meaning something?

What I'm saying is Mimi's moustache
is between Mimi and Monticello.

Mm-hm -
now, let's just suppose

you and this Mimi go out
to a fancy restaurant.

The bitch orders eggs Florentine.
Got it.

She gets a piece of spinach
caught on her upper lip.

You mean to tell me
you wouldn't help her?

Spinach and pubic hair
ain't the same thing.

Man, what you talking,
pubic hair, man?

This ain't no fucking pubic hair,
motherfucker.

Pulling a piece of wax
off a person's face ain't shit.

I used to shave my mother's back
before they sent her off to the asylum.

Really? Hey, you ever shave
a guy's back?

Does prison count?

Outside of prison.

Fuck you.

Huh, have you?
Fuck you!

Our star is on the rise, Nicky.

We are surrounded by angels

that are converging
on this moment in, um, time

to help us realise our destiny.

You're just poetry in motion, baby.

I think that I shall never see

a poem as lovely as...

...Nicky.

(GIGGLES)

Um, baby, er...

You know,
I can't wait till tomorrow.

Why don't we just pack our stuff
and go look for Gulliver Stone now'?

Sweet little Nicky.

You're just a murderin' fool,
aren't you'?

Alright! Let's do it!

(RECORD SCRATCH ES)

It's Monticello.
We're gonna fuckin' die.

We're gonna fuckin' die!

Would you shut the fuck up?
Get off!

Who is it?

JULIUS: Exterminators.

Did you call the exterminator?

Er, well, I saw
that big spider again, baby.

We're on the lam, Nicky. We can't
have nobody snooping around in here!

Stupid bitch!
Well, what are we gonna fuckin' do?

Come on, you two honeymooners.
Get your gun!

Let 'em in out of the hallway
before somebody calls the fucking cops.

(OMINOUS CHORD)

We could hear you.
No need to be braying like a mule.

You just caught me and Nicky here

in the middle
of some real important business.

Ain't that right, baby?

That's right, baby.
Real important business.

So I guess you'll have to come back
some other time.

Alrighty. Let's go.

Wait a second, Kato.

So you're asking us
to reschedule?

She ain't askin' you nothin',
spray boy.

I'm telling you.

Now pick up your fucking bug cans
and get out!

Does this seem familiar
to anybody?

Deja vu, er...
I didn't ask you a goddamn thing!

You are standing in the way
of the working man.

So'?
So'?

So my ass, Uncle Fester.

So! Sew a needle and a thread.

La, a note to follow
motherfuckin' so!

'T', the letter in the alphabet
I use to describe

the way I square off
in your motherfuckin' ass!

Which brings us back to... so.

I thought it was 'doh'.

So'?

Get to the point, bug man.

The point is, is that
me and my partner here,

we represent the plight
of the righteous working man.

We are here to do ourjob.

And we take orders from one person -
our boss, Monticello.

Oh, shit, baby!
They work for Monticello?

This is so bad!
Well, do something, baby!

Come on.
Finish your hairy armpit, bitch.

Shoot them, Nicky,
shoot them! (SQUEALS)

(SCREAMS)
Mommy!

Well, you're a lousy shot.

Well, my glasses fogged up, baby.

Grab everything!
We are leaving now!

Nicky, baby.

Where's Montello's briefcase?

It's there.

I don't see it.

No, l... l put it on the dresser

underneath your copy
of 'Extra Chromosome' magazine.

Well, here's the magazine,
but I don't see no briefcase.

Well, did you look for it?

Of course I looked!
What do you think I'm doing here?

Are you sure you brought it?

I'm sure.

You don't sound sure.

I'm pretty sure.

Well, either you're sure
or you're not.

So which is it?

I'm not sure.

Goddammit, Nicky!

You are bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

Well, if you hadn't have made us
stop for pancakes after the match...

No! No! Don't you blame this on me!

God!

Wait a minute.

Pancakes.

I left it in the booth at the diner.

Well, get your gun.
We're going back.

Well, our story's
all over the news now.

Great. Let's go back
and write them another chapter.

And that goes for
every last motherfuckin' one of you!

And that goes for every last
motherfuckin' one of you!

WOMAN: Sit down already!
MAN: Shut up!

(BELL RINGS)

Yo, bro, it's the brown billfold.

I know which one it is.

Oh, how'd you know
which one it was?

'Cause it's the one that says
'Cheap motherfucker' on it.

If the shoe fits, bro.

And don't bother coming back
till you learn how to tip!

Hello. I'm Priscilla...
Queen of the desserts. We know.

We were here last night.
Don't you ever go home, fruit bowl'?

I'm working a double.
Whatever.

Listen...

...pie head...

We left a briefcase.
Never mind her, Nicky.

I've already found it.

Oh, well, looky here, Vallory.

Some over-caffeinated patron
of this fine dining establishment

has located our briefcase for us.

Hand over the briefcase, Java girl,
before we decide to decaffeinate you.

You two skinheads
take one more step

and I'll blow your fuckin'
white-trash heads off!

You don't know who we are?
No.

Damn that Gulliver Stone.

Say your prayers, coffee breath!

I'm gonna fill you so full of lead,
you'll look like a number 2 pencil, fucker!

(TRIGGER CLICKS)

Goddammit, Nicky.

Oh, shit, baby. Look, I fucked up.
I didn't put the bullets in the gun.

You stupid bitch!

Prepare to meet your maker.

Maybe he'll know
who the fuck you are!

(GUNSHOTS)

(ON LOOKERS SCREAM)

Holy shit, it's that spray boy.

What the fuck's he doing
with your gun, baby?

I'm in a transitional period,
thanks to both of y'all's lousy-ass aim.

Now, hand over the briefcase.

Jesus Christ, baby.

Oh, this is so bad!

No, fuck it.
I'm gonna give it to him.

Don't give it to him, Nicky!

The briefcase is ours!

He's gonna put a bullet
in Kojak's fuckin' ass

if he don't hand
over the briefcase - let's go.

Do something, baby!
Do something!

Don't you touch him, bug man,
or you're gonna fuckin' die

and die and die again.

Oh, I'm gonna wet myself.

Tell Yul Brynner to chill.

Tell him!

Chill... you Brynner.

Tell him to be cool.
Tell him to be cool. Say it!

(GROANS)
Be cool, Nicky.

I'm going number two.
That's it, I'm just going.

That is so gross.

Yeah, Nicky, that's right.

We're all gonna be like
little Vinnie Barbarinos.

And what was Vinnie Barbarino?

Wiseass'?

Well, all of the Sweathogs
were wiseasses,

but they all had their own
distinct characteristic.

Like, Horshack, he was a nerd.

And Boom Boom Washington,
he was very suave.

He was also in 'Cooley High'.
I ain't seen him in shit since.

I know. What happened to him?

I loved him.
He was so good in that.

He went on to do a television movie,
playing Michael Jackson's father.

He was very good.
He doesn't work enough.

Hey! What was
Vinnie Barbarino like'?

Cool?

That's right. He was cool.

So we all gonna
have to just be cool!

Or Buffy and Jody get a couple of
bullets in their motherfuckin' ass!

Now, open up the briefcase.

We'll open it,
but we own what's inside!

It's an original.
it's classic.

Well, what is it?

Oh, it's a 'Welcome Back, Kotter'
lunch box.

Very rare. Very hard to find.

And, er, little yellow glowy things.

But the box is in mint condition,

and... and we know we could get
a pretty penny for it.

You damn right.
There's a lot of money in that box.

That's why we're keeping the box.
We're keeping the box.

Oh, you can have the box,
you and Mr Penis Head.

I'm just gonna help myself
to what's inside of it.

(ON LOOKERS GASP)

WOMAN: See, he is stealing.

Like I said, there's a lot of money
in that lunch box.

You can have that shit now.

But let me tell you, it ain't worth
a damn thing without the thermos.

Are you flirting with me?

Oh, shit!

Ah!

Now, with the exception
of a few silverfish in the men's room,

this restaurant is now vermin free.

Here's for the pancakes.

If the police stop by,
you just tell 'em

that this restaurant
has been exterminated.

(MUSIC STARTS QUIETLY)

You can turn it up.

SONG: ♪ Those schoolgirl days

♪ Of telling tales
and biting nails are gone

♪ But in my mind... ♪

(SHRIEKS LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON)

♪ I know they will
still live on and on... ♪

Somebody should've filmed this shit.
Somebody should've filmed this shit.

Somebody should've filmed this shit.

Probably be nominated for an Oscar,

unless, of course,
the filmmaker was a black man,

he was a black man,
he was a brother.

Then he won't be nominated
for shit!

They won't even show his
tuxedo-wearing ass during the telecast.

(PHONE RINGS)

Come on, come on! Come on, Bunny,
answer the fuckin' phone!

(MAGICAL MUSIC)

(TRIUMPHANT FLOURISH)

Watch where you're going,
you fuckin' dweeb.

Houston, we have a problem.

(SOBS)

Would somebody help him
with the fuckin' script?!

(WON DROUS MUSIC)

Nell free! Nell got job.
Nell work on fee film.

(CHUCKLES)

What'd you say?
(LAUGHS)

Nobody knows. Nobody cares.

But she works for free and makes
a hell of a cappuccino. Nice job.

(INDISTINCT MESSAGE OVER RADIO)

E.T. phone home!
E.T. phone home!

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Finally, the script.

Wait a minute. What the fuck?

This script is totally fucked.

I know. I know. I tried to put it
all back together, but I couldn't.

It's all messed up.
It doesn't make any sense.

I know. I love it!
You do?

Who cares what comes when?
That's so mainstream.

Long as it's bloody and violent.

Maxwell, we're gonna shoot this.

I have another script
I'm planning to drop.

(HOT CHOCOLATES
'YOU SEXY THING')

How do you feel now, Jimmy'?

Fabuloso.

Let's run for the border.

SONG: ♪ I believe in miracles

♪ Where you from?
You sexy thing... ♪

I'm in the mood for some
fried chicken. Gimme the wheel.

Gimme the wheel! No! No, no!

I'm gonna hit the sign!

Yeah, look, you stopped me!

(BICKERING CONTINUES)

♪ Where did you come from, baby?

♪ How did you know I needed you?

♪ How did you know
I needed you so badly?

♪ How did you know
I'd give my heart gladly?

♪ Yesterday,
I was one of the lonely people

♪ Now you're lying close to me... ♪

Gimme your hand.
No-one's gonna die here.

You gimme your hand.
No-one's gonna die.

Maybe over there someones gonna die,
but no-one's gonna die here.

Give... Er... Urgggh!

She gets a piece of spinach
caught on her lip.

You mean to tell me
you ain't gonna help her?

Spinach and pubic hair
ain't the same thing.

Man, what the fuck you talking,
pubic hair, man?

MAN: No. Cut it. Cut it. Cut it.
Tripped over a wire.

Keep going, guys. Keep going.
MAN 2: I'm out of focus now.

Motherfucker, what you talking,
pubic hair? That don't mean shit.

MAN: Move it! Move it! Oh, man!

(CREW GIGGLE)
MAN 2; Cut it!

Oh, fucking... dog.

♪ I'll be the one

♪ Did you know
you're everything I prayed for'?

♪ Did you know,
every night and day for'?

♪ Every day, needing love

♪ And satisfaction

♪ Now you're lying next to me

♪ Giving it to me

♪ I believe in miracles

♪ Where you from, you sexy thing?

♪ Sexy thing, you... ♪

Here's De Niro in 'Frankenstein'.

Did you fuck my bride?
Did you fuck my bride?

I think you did.
You been fucking my bride, uh?

Well, you're a lousy shot!

My glasses fogged up, baby.

I was think...
Go ahead, hit me.

Grab everything,
we are leaving now!

MAN: Cut!

(LAUGHTER)

Shit, shit, shit.

Bumpkin, get this down to the
warehouse at La Brea and Washington

right away.

OK.
And this time...

And this time, don't screw it up.

Smokin'!

♪ Where you from, you sexy thing?

♪ Sexy thing, Y9“

♪ I believe in miracles

♪ Since you came along

♪ You sexy thing

♪ Whoa-oh! Touch me!

♪ Kiss me, darling

♪ I love the way you hold me, baby

♪ Ah, ah! It's ecstasy... ♪

I'd like to sing...
a few songs for you.

My rendition...
of a Christmas song I...

It brings... memories.

But... but our story's
all over the news.

Good. Let's go back
and write them a...

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)
I can't do it!

MAN: We'll do one more.

I am a human being.

(SLOBBERS) Not an animal.

SONG: ♪ I'm your boogie man

♪ That's what I am

♪ I'm here to do

♪ Whatever I can

♪ Be it early morning

♪ Late afternoon

♪ Or at midnight

♪ It's never too soon

♪ To wanna please you

♪ To wanna keep you

♪ To wanna do it all

♪ All for you

♪ I wanna be your

♪ Be your rubber ball

♪ I wanna be the one... ♪

You know how they, in the cartoons
and in the commercials,

they got those little shells
covering her breasts?

Right. Right.
They had nothing.

Yeah, just those two
surf-and-turf titties hanging out

in the Disney daylight.

Get outta town, babe.
You gotta be kidding me.

No, these two...

You know they do that in Vegas'?
Just nothing up top, man.

It's heavy. I can only see it
with one eye, though, babe.

Slowly, I'd pull a cream puff
out of my cleavage and then I'd eat it.

(CHOMPS)

Gotta pull off my you-yous!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)
MAN: Cut!

Come on, please!

Two big, runny handfuls
of peach cobbler.

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHTER)

MAN: Cut!

MAN 2: Did you find it...

('I'M YOUR BOOGIE MAN'
CONTINUES)

Hello. I'm Priscilla...

Queen of the desserts. We know.
We were here last night.

Don't you ever go home, fruity?

I'm working a double.
Whatever.

Listen...

...pumpkin head,

big lips,

pie head,

fat lips,

pie head,

juicy,

we had this briefcase...

(LAUGHTER)
MAN: And cut.

WOMAN: That was so good!

Let's just stay cool

and open up the briefcase.

We'll open it, but we...

MAN: Cut!

(LAUGHTER)

Fa-la-la-la-la. Fa-la-la-la.
I'm Jimmy.

White Christmas.

WOMAN: This guy sucks.

Excuse me. Whoa.
Where are you going'?

MAN: We're leaving.
MAN 2: Yeah, we're gone.

Excuse me.
You don't like my singing?

You suck.
Well, fuck you, asshole.

Hey!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Hair up in a bunch,
just titties just hanging out.

You'd better believe it.
I love it, babe.

Used to do that
with Italian chicks in Vegas.

Lost my marble over it.

♪ I'm your boogie man, uh-huh

♪ I'm your boogie man

♪ Uh-huh

♪ I'm your boogie man

♪ Uh-huh

♪ I'm your boogie man

♪ Uh-huh

♪ I'm your boogie man

♪ Uh-huh

♪ Whoo!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ah-ah

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

J"Ah, ah... ♪

This has been one long, mixed-up,
crazy, out-of-sequence kind of day.