Original subtitles

Thanks, Joe.

You all right?

Individual mini pizza or honey-glazed baby sausage?

For me, always the sausage.

Don't you think it's inappropriate

to use innuendo with an 11-year-old?

You don't talk like 11.

Maybe you're just a very small, middle-aged man.

Maybe. Who are you?

I'm Fabiana.

I'm Joe.

You want to dance later, Joe? You're a bit young for me.

All right, Joey? You hitting on the fit birds again?

She's hitting on me.

Fabiana, Uncle Dickie. Uncle Dickie, Fabiana.

Enchanted. Hello. You're very muscle.

Hard to argue with you there.

See, Joe, told you you could bench press your way into a woman's heart.

Come talk to me in dark corner.

I don't know many people at party. Thanks, little man.

Oh, hey.

Cheese and tomato on an old biscuit or shiny puppy penis?

How about a sausage and a hug?

I was lying about the sausage.

I know.

See you. See you.

All right, J? You feeling up my girl?

Just trying to look after her. Your job really.

I'll have a pizza off you, Joe.

See you guys later. All right.

Are you this late when it's a heart attack, Aunty Flo?

Most heart attacks turn out to be indigestion, Joe.

No point in knocking over innocent pedestrians

for the sake of some idiot that can't chew his food properly.

Speaking of which... Mm. What do we have here?

Where's your dad?

Climbing onto the table. Better go make sure he doesn't fall down.

You'd better. I'll have that.

OK? Yeah.

Lillie wrote you a note, told me not to open it until now.

'Dear freeloaders,

I'm sorry I'm late for my own party.'

And then it says, in brackets,

'If the late gag doesn't get a laugh,

it's because you read it wrong, Ed.

I do hope you're not moping about the place like miserable saps.

I will not tolerate tears,

bubbly snot or negativity of any description.

I was lucky beyond all measure.

I got to be with my Eddie and tricked him into loving me

then, after a brief 16-year pause, marry me.

He gave me my beautiful, clever, not altogether hygienic boys.

Gorgeous Joe and handsome Harry.

I got to laugh, I got to kiss and bunk off work

and spend far too much money on shoe-related products.

Apart from the slight hitch

where that bastard God short-changed me out of three decades,

I can't complain.

I'm far more concerned about you hopeless Herberts.

Everyone I love is in this room tonight

and I invoke stiff's rights to tell you all exactly what I think of you.

You are, in my opinion, making the most awful tits-up of your lives.

All that matters...

in life is love.

And you are wasting love.

You are loving the wrong people, or not loving the right people enough,

or not loving at all.

Love more. Love pure. Love until you forget yourself.

Love the...

Love the one you're with,

but make sure you're with the right person first.

Put aside all that is not love,

unless it has a 1" kitten heel.

Now, to more practical matters.

I want to go to bed happy,

knowing my three boys won't join me prematurely through starvation,

or because of some deadly disease you get from under-washed underwear.

So, Babs, my best, oldest and poorest friend,

I want you to...

I want you to move in with my boys.

You and Gina, you can't stay in that flea-ridden bedsit any more.

50% of all Dickie's worldly goods is exactly nothing,

so there's no point in waiting for the divorce to finalise.

Don't argue with me, because I can't hear you.

Besides, I'm always right.

Final Notes...

...Abbey, you are beautiful enough. Eat more pie.

Clint, confound everyone and be good.

Dickie...

...read what it says on your birth certificate.

Babs, don't analyse so much, just do.

Ed, J and H, my love for you is...

...my love for you...

My love for you is death-proof

and bigger than the whole sodding universe.

Now, show your respects by dancing madly and badly

till you collapse in a sweaty heap.

Love Lillie.'

So?

So...

I'm thinking of changing my plans for the evening.

Are you now?

Yes. You have your own place?

Sort of.

What do you make of the plan?

Babs and Gina moving in? Yeah.

Well, Eddie's broken and they're broke,

thanks to my useless brother, so it kind of makes sense.

I guess.

It's funny how death makes you feel really alive.

I still...cannot believe that I'm allowed to kiss you.

Well, you are.

I am not getting out of the car.

It will get cold and uncomfortable after about 8:00pm.

I was not, like, consulted. Me neither.

Much.

The truth is we don't have a lot of choice at the moment.

It's better than Dickie's place.

That is the problem.

One of the, like, thousands of them anyway.

I do not want to live anywhere near Dickie.

I don't want you back-pedalling.

Gina, if you'll just consider the idea for a minute -

Do not talk to me in the couch voice.

I'm not one of your basket weavers.

As you prefer.

Can I borrow your hair brush?

Thanks.

Get out of the car, you sulky cow.

That's more like it.

You get going with the boxes, I'll come inside in a minute.

Don't expect me to be nice though.

I comprehensively will not.

Oh, crap.

Why don't you just say something to her?

Like?

'Gina, I know that up to this point,

we have essentially been like brother and sister.

But I have recently undergone

a number of interesting hormonal changes

and am starting to look upon you as...

...a fox amongst foxes.'

Freak.

There had better be fire. Hot fire, I think.

Babs, er, this is Fab.

Yeah, I bet it is.

Your only useful characteristic

is required to hump boxes from the car to the house. Now.

Two ticks. One tick.

She still love you, I think,

but she decide you never amount to anything.

You are wise as well as bendy, Fabiana.

This will only take a minute, unless...

...unless you've gotta go?

OK. Well, make yourself a coffee.

No there is none. I already looked.

There's two tomatoes and a sock in fridge and nothing in the cupboards.

If you want actual food, you're looking in the wrong kitchen.

Take your time.

You really ought to try sleeping at night time, Dad.

It's all the rage apparently.

Morning, Hazza. Where do you want these?

Back in the car. Hey. Not like you to be grumpy, H.

Why don't you rustle up your Uncle Dickie a fried egg sarnie?

It will make you feel more cheerful. Well, me at least.

I didn't realise you were bringing all your stuff today.

I thought we were just going to talk about how it was going to work.

But, I...I'm sorry I thought we - I thought we talked it out last night.

Yeah, yeah. We did.

And, you know, after the shock, I...

It's what Lillie wanted and if it's what you want, then...

Oh, God, I've cocked up, haven't I?

I was a bit insulted at first. I know. I know.

Like she thought I couldn't cope.

Making me announce it, leaving me no say in the matter.

It's as much for me, Eds. Truly.

How are things with you two?

Yeah, we're on excellent terms, considering.

Where do you want your breeze block collection, frozen-bitch-queen?

In the hallway for now you big, syphilitic, shaved bear.

Sorry, where were we?

You and Dick on excellent terms.

No. You were saying how you didn't really want us here.

I love that you are here.

I just wish it had been my idea, that's all.

Instead of Lillie and you cooking it up.

I didn't cook it up - I notice you got everything packed quickly.

Yeah, well, that's - I bet your landlord would tell me you didn't have much notice to work out.

Yeah. OK. All right. OK.

She may have mentioned the idea in a foetal form.

Mentioned?

You had everything organised together to the last letter.

Very much so.

We were worried about how you'd be.

We both were.

Also this is prime location,

with both bus and overland rail links into the city.

Unbelievable. Yeah.

Hi.

Hi. This is very embarrassing.

Oh, OK. Kitchen's on the left, coffee on the side,

breakfast ingredients mainly in the fridge.

That's very kind of you.

Clint! Guest in the flat!

I'll see you later.

I'm Abbey, by the way - Dickie's brother's girlfriend.

I'm Dickie's one-night stand.

OK, then. Er, well I've got to run. Help yourself.

Thank you.

Right, Babs, I'd like you to have the master bedroom.

No.

Not through any misplaced chivalry,

but because I want to sleep in with Joey. I don't -

And because that room is full of me and Lills.

All right. OK. Thank you. That's very kind of you.

Right, so with me and Joe in there,

just leaves you two in Harry's room.

What?

It's not really a problem. OK.

I'm going to hang a curtain down the middle

to create the very latest in Japanese-style room divider.

It's just for a couple of weeks.

H? Mm. A couple of weeks.

Just till the loft conversion's done

and then you two girls will have your own home within the home arrangement.

Are we talking about the loft extension

you began building when I was three months old?

The preparation phase is always slow Joe, OK.

We are now in the beating heart of the completion process.

Two weeks max.

No chance.

All right, I'll put the kettle on.

Bollocks.

What the shitting crap are you doing here?

You are saying it's a complete coincidence? Little coincidence.

I don't believe you. You're not on good speaking terms with the truth.

You don't know me. Oh, please. I know you.

And listen, the world revolve around central axis

running between the poles. What?

Not around little ad-man.

Don't follow me any further, or the whole world will see cock.

But it's too late for you to worry about that, no?

Maybe you get something new to worry about.

We've got our grades back from school not long ago.

It was mainly languages.

I got an A star in French...

...one in Spanish, and German too actually.

Oh, I can't find... I can't find the spare Gecko food

so, you know, we might have to buy some more,

unless you can leave us a sign of some kind.

Torres is injured.

I'm an A Star-free zone, obviously.

Oh, I've started shaving.

Not that it's necessary,

but it makes me that bit later for school, so that's kind of cool.

We miss you.

You all right?

Yeah.

Do you think Dad's OK?

No. Don't know. Maybe. You?

I think he's completely bollocksed.

Think Babs can help? No. Don't know. Maybe.

Don't see why they have to live with us.

Mum says.

Come on.

Try and miss the big brick and glass thing next time you shoot.

So you realise you're catnip, right?

What? Catnip. The nip of the cat.

Why do I get the feeling I don't really want clarification?

You are irresistible. To cats? No, to women.

I've always had that rugged but caring thing going on, I guess.

No you haven't. I haven't? No.

You've always been... well, you know, safe.

Safe like Harrison Ford? Safe...

Safe in my manly arms, kind of safe?

No. Safe like a Volvo.

Well, that's not especially sexy. You've never been sexy.

Thank you very much! Until now. Now you are catnip.

Because of Lillie. Yeah.

Because of the lack of Lillie.

Yeah.

I am catnip because my wife died of a God-awful disease.

Well, you see, the circumstances aren't relevant,

only the fact that you are a young widower.

Women are sick.

Very sick.

You don't erm... You don't think I'm catnip do you?

No. You see, I'm immune because I'm your wife's best friend.

That's reassuring.

Also I've seen you in your trunks.

I'm so glad you've moved in to cheer me up!

It's the least I could do.

Who's that?

Catnip time is my guess. Yeah, right.

Hello, Edward. I've made you a lasagne.

That's lovely.

Hi, Eddie. I've made you some lasagne.

That's very, very thoughtful. Thank you.

Hello, Edward. Some lasagne?

Hello, Edward, I made you some lasagne.

Oh, thanks, Miss Chen.

I guess I'll see you at the next parents-teachers meeting, yeah?

My number is on the back of the Post-it

if Joe needs help with his homework.

Hello, Ed. Your lasagne...

Blimey.

If a worldwide lasagne shortage kicks in,

you'll be the new Bill Gates. Ha-ha.

Oh, please!

Hi.

Thank God.

You're the only Pyrex-free woman in a 30 mile radius.

I'm just checking to see you're not still in pyjama bottoms.

Do you want to come over?

Clint's working and I'm at a loose end.

Bye. See you.

Peaceful area you guys live in.

Hey, your brother's girlfriend has a boyfriend.

The nice, sad man from the party.

Hey?

Oh, no. That's just Ed. We're all trying to look after him.

So I see.

How come you don't know Ed, if you're friends with Lillie?

Who Lillie?

How come you were at the wake?

Suddenly you Sherlock Homo?

No, no. I'm just curious.

I walk past looking for somebody, hear music, think fun.

I'm from Brazil, we like to keep plans flexible.

You complaining? No, no.

That's the Dickie I come to love.

Dickie's Winnebago seems to have Parkinson's disease.

Not again!

That is more times in one afternoon than in my entire adult life.

Thanks.

Dickie's sort of... masculinity squared, isn't he?

Yeah. Or desperate to hide the fact he's gay as a maypole.

Babs was busy explaining how unattractive I am this morning.

She had charts and a PowerPoint presentation to back up her case.

Look, I know we haven't known each other very long,

but I reckon you're fit, Edward.

Do you know what I like about you, Abbey?

I like the fact you don't treat me any differently - to before.

You don't treat me like I'm a...

I can hardly bear to say the word...

You don't treat me like I'm a widower.

Well, no-one likes a cry-baby.

Quite right. My dad was a bit of a bootstraps man.

The best kind. None of that catnip rubbish for you, Abigail, huh?

Catnip?

It's nothing. It's a stupid theory of Babs.

That's the thing with psychologists - all theory.

Just get her scrubbing the bogs and rustling up your tea,

leave the psychology for paying customers.

Absolutely.

Catnip, snatnip, eh?

You've turned into an old Jewish man for some reason now, Eds.

You hungry? Famished actually.

Good.

Lasagne all right?

So, Dickie...

Si?

What do you do, when you're not being great in bed?

I'm an Internet entrepreneur.

Your mansion is being done up, is she?

You mock me but it only takes one of my sites to become the new YouTube.

How many hits you get?

That's impossible to say.

Lies. You know exactly.

How many hits on this doggie date site?

Well, this one's quite new.

How new? A few months.

How many months? 24.

So how many hits in two years? 321.

Per week?

Since inception.

OK, I do not know this inception,

but your face tell me it's since start.

Nice to learn new words, eh?

No wonder you so good in the sex.

Lots of time to practise.

I'm getting less sad about this being a one-night stand, Fabiana.

I like that you're bad liar.

Bad liar make good boyfriends.

I stay a little bit maybe,

help you make your site less shit.

Need a hand?

No thanks.

It's nice of you to do that. I wouldn't have dared.

You and Gina will have things you'll need to put in here now.

You know my first day at Radford High?

She cleared a locker for me.

Just like you are now.

My parents moved all the time for work,

so I was always having first days at school.

Always feeling lonely and outcast.

Anyway, Lillie...

Well, Lillie liked a stray dog.

She started doing things for me. Kind things.

While the other kids were trying to decide if my nickname should be Baps or Boobara...

...she cleared a locker for me.

You're the same, you two.

Similar, anyway.

Everyone thinks their Mum's the best Mum in the world.

Well, stands to reason someone has to be right.

That's what I think.

Babs?

Yes, Joey?

If I start to forget her, will you remind me?

Tell me about the locker, things like that?

Yes, Joey.

Not a very big box.

No. Her kind of beautiful doesn't come out of a tube.

No.

You can put your moustache hair remover and corn plasters in there now.

Swine. I take it back. You're just as bad as your Dad.

Evening, Flo-etry.

What's happening, treacle?

What's happening, treacle?

Lasagne, well, was.

Got peckish, ate it. Sorry.

Want a cup of tea?

Oh, no, better not.

Got an overdose in the back.

Nothing serious.

If the bottles are anything to go by, its mainly Haliborange.

I just popped over cos control are wondering when you were coming back.

I'm not sure.

I've still stuff to do and the boys are still very -

Control says take all the time you need -

That's nice, at least I -

...but if you're not back on Monday, you're sacked.

Flo, aren't you my union rep?

Yeah. I looked into it, but you're buggered, basically.

Bereavement is four weeks max.

All right!

Better be off.

See you Monday.

You all right?

Yeah.

To absent friends and ever present lasagne.

Cheers.

Why don't you just break into a full-on run and have done with it?

OK. I told Fabiana I'd only be half an hour.

Fabiana?

Fabiana? As in your stripper friend?

She's the girl in Dickie's van?

Oh, my God.

Abbey, hold on. No.

Hi, Mum.

Hey, how was your date? OK.

Good.

Oh, you get a good night's sleep. All right.

OK. OK. Love you.

Love you.

Don't tell me to calm down. I don't see how this matters.

What's the problem? How can you think it doesn't matter?

It doesn't matter. It's nothing to do with you, or me.

She's with him in there.

Did you seriously believe that I wouldn't find out

that your slut was camped out outside your flat?

I don't see how it's relevant, babe.

Babe, please, it's nothing to do with me, she... Don't go.

Babe.

Shit.

Harry. Bonjour.

Don't be up too late, mate. School tomorrow.

OK, Dad. OK, Dad?

Did you make sure the front door's locked? Yes.

The back door's locked? Yes.

Did you turn on the dishwasher? Yes.

Did you walk the dog? We haven't got a dog. Exactly.

We're not getting a dog. My theory is that you'll crack under sustained pressure.

Did you set the alarm? Yes.

Did you - Yes. I've done all the things I do every night,

now get into bed, you pyjama-clad monkey,

before I invite burglars in for a take-all-you-can-carry bonanza.

You forget some of the things sometimes. When you got too - Bed!

Oh, Crap!

Night, Hazza. Night, Ed.

Got a bit of toothpaste around the mush there, big guy.

Oh, yeah, it's just a touch of rabies.

Try not to use my towel, you should be fine.

You are going to make an excellent fake dad. Thank you.

Night. Mary Ellen. Night, Jim-Bob.

What's that?

Oh, that's the Waltons. It was big in my day.

Kind of like High School Musical, but without songs.

And with the Depression.

The Economic Depression, not the blues.

Although it was set at the time of the birth of the blues, I believe.

So nice of you to try and help me sleep like this.

Night.

All clear, H.

Great!

Night, night. Night.

You awake?

Bollocks.

Did you turn the dishwasher on?

Joe's already done all that.

You look like an over-stuffed sausage in my T-shirt.

I need it. You're stretching it.

You calling me fat?

Comely.

Baby, I can hardly remember to breath in and out.

I know.

I'm just pretending to be alive.

Me too.

You'll get better though.

Go to sleep. Don't go.

Did you lock the back door?

You and Joe are the same person.

See. Told you I wouldn't go.

I can't find my reading book, Mum.

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