All language subtitles for Married Single Other s01e05 TDDUP.eng

No, because that...
No, that is five thousand...

I know that's what it is.

Lil?
Morning!

Dad. Dad.

Talk to her.
Talk to her.

I need to speak to her, OK, OK.

What?

The...

The boys
and I have discussed it and...

it's not enough.

It is plenty and it is also all
you are allowed to spend now.

We had big plans.

Which, due to a change in circumstances,
have been officially cancelled.

So new plan, fast and cheap.

£500, baby. You can't get much
for that these days

Edward, I have sold my 'useless,
never-once-made-me-a-millionaire' premium bonds

and the wedding will cost what I got
for them. Exhibit A: 500 quid.

We are not borrowing money,
not now.

That's not what I want, Ed.

Harry.

Will you please go and take the
entire contents of your wardrobe

off the floor in your room,
put it in the large basket

whose use you do not seem
to understand?

Take the mystery basket to the white
thing with a round window in it,

and see if you can work out
what it does.

Lets hope it's some domestic robot
we haven't fired up yet.

No, no, that's me.

And I am about to retire.

I've saved some money.

Birthdays, Christmas
and exam results.

Which you're not wasting
on floral table decorations.

The goldfish have disappeared
behind a wall of green.

Go and do something about that.

Thank you.

We wanted a perfect day.

And it will be.

£500 worth of perfection.

OK.

I'll check
the Millennium Community Hall.

Oh, sounds nice.

I shouldn't. I wouldn't...
I mean, I haven't.

Oh, but you're such a good public
speaker, Babs.

It's just cruel, though, isn't it?
Why don't you ask Dickie to do it?

He is Eddie's oldest friend,
and he is actually a man!

As in, you know, best man!

Yeah, apparently, I seem to be
the last feminist on earth

and I don't understand
why the women stay silent

in this cave-man-created ceremony.

So you're best man. And Dickie,
by the way, is going to be busy.

With what?
Well, I'm gonna talk to him first.

I'm trying to make sure
that everyone else has something

to occupy themselves
while I prepare.

For the wedding?
No, for after the wedding.

Oh, Lord.

What can I do to help, then?

You can be my best man.

No! No! Wait! Wait! Wait! No!
Hang on! How about if I was...

the wedding dress woman,
organiser type thing?

Because you'd be completely shit
and that's why God gave us Abbey.

Yeah, I'm going to be absolutely
shit at this!

You know, spectacular, epic shit!

I'm shit at public speaking!

You can't take this on honeymoon.
She'll be fine.

Please, Lil, it's miles!

I know, but it's got an engine
and six wheels.

What do you think they're for?
Where will I live?

In our house. We're going to take
the boys. You know, time's precious.

I'll have to fix things up a bit.

You think?

She could probably do with a run,
actually.

Free honeymoon - tick.

All right, with the economy package
you have cocktail of prawns

or soup of oxtail for the starter.

Erm...

Prawn cocktail, I guess.

Good. Actually, no. Sorry, no.
That's the deluxe option.

With the eco package it's soup of
oxtail or juice d'orange, tumbler.

Lets go for...half soup,
half orange juice.

An artful compromise, my friend.

What about decorations?

Can you do anything to make
it look less...shite?

Afraid not.

Come on.

Cheer up, Ed. We've had dead bodies
in the back on better form than you.

Sorry.

Is it totally shit, bruv?

It's a one-day-at-a-time thing.

What, today is especially bad?

I wanted it to be magical

and, you know, this place is just
rubbish. Listen, dim wit.

If you're not happy with the Aldi
cut-price wedding,

let's do something about it.

Why don't you just remortgage
the house? I can't.

Why not?
Because it's not what Lillie wants.

Quick, it's Stupendo.
He's done it again.

Hey.

All right, mate?
OK, guys, move aside, move aside.

Cheers.

It's the scimitars, see?

They sometimes get stuck.

Yeah, its probably best not
to talk, Stupendo.

OK. Call me Steve.

It's best not to talk, Steve.

Flo will drive us slowly
over the bumps

and we'll soon have you and your
pointy friend in separate beds. Yeah?

Whoa!

Oh, hello.

I've been asked
to be Lillie's best woman.

Oh, that's nice.
No, it's not. I've got to talk.

Out loud in front of people.

You'll be fine.
No, I won't be fine.

I will not be in the same post code
as fine.

I will, be in Meltdown, Tennessee.

I will be the Lady Mayoress
of Meltdown.

Just say the bride looks lovely
and you make a toast.

All right, erm...

Let me try some lines on you.
Don't do lines.

Ahem.

Did you hear the one
about the newlywed

who had a heart attack
every time she orgasmed?

She didn't know
whether she was coming or going.

You're not serious?

I just thought it would be weird if
no-one mentioned death or anything.

Babs, there is not a human being
alive who thinks like that.

I'm panicking.
All right, I'm in a flat out spin,

from which I will never recover.

There are people on fire who
are in less of a panic than me.

You're gonna be fine.
I'm going to die, aren't I?

I'm going to die on stage
like Tommy Cooper

without the preceding hilarity.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please raise your glasses

to Edward and his beautiful
new bride Lillian.

Oh, you'd love it to be that simple,
wouldn't you?

Help me scrub
and I'll work on some gags for you.

No. You were right.
I've got to go for poetic.

Epic.

Not a dry eye in the house.

Did I say that?
I'll be back!

And when I am, I am gonna
make Terms Of Endearment look

like the Cannon And Ball
Christmas special.

I can't believe you've stolen
this many dresses.

No, just borrowed. Listen, I still
really want to see you in this one.

OK, but, you know, just one more,
then I've got stuff to do.

Abs, can I ask you one more favour?

Mm-hm.
Can you make me up?

Yeah. Of course.
I'll be round at dawn Saturday

with an artic lorry
full of paints and potions.

No, I mean, like now.
Can you make me look good today?

Yeah, sure.

I want to look my best today.

I have something to do.

That's no problem.

Well, that's the one, isn't it?

OK. It'll do.

OK. Yes? No?

No.

The key is not to fumble

and, in an ideal world,
do it one-handed.

And you must walk a very fine line

between being so flash at it that
you are an obvious male slut

and giving off the unmistakable funk
of the virgin.

So, the secret of taking off a bra
is - drum roll, please -

So, the secret of taking off a bra
is - drum roll, please -

pinch the clasp together
with thumb and forefinger,

that sucker will just ping
right off.

Have a shot.

Jock.

Goth.

So, don't blame me
if I don't do this right.

It's my first time.

She's cool.

Your mum.

Yeah, she is.

See you at the wedding?

Not if I see you first.

Bringing a date?

Oh, yeah because 'Hi, do you want to come see my
dying mum's emergency wedding?' is such a girl catcher.

Fair point.

You?
Eros.

Still ploughing on with that one?

You're annoyed about the club thing.
I'm sorry.

In a life smothered in cool,
that was less than cool.

No worries.

Pass the ball, lads.

And don't let any girl
treat you badly.

And don't pine.

If you want to be with someone who doesn't want
to be with you, go out and love someone else, OK?

Someone smart enough
to love you back, Joey.

What's wrong with the dry cleaners
on the corner, anyhow?

Vintage lace has to be handled with
care. These guys are the best.

Just drive.

Madam.

Hi.

We've got one antique
lace wedding dress

that needs cleaning and a suit
that needs altering. No problem.

Thanks.
Pretty dress.

Yeah, isn't it lovely?
When you getting married?

Oh, it's not for me. Shame, you'd
look very pretty in the dress.

And out of it.

Don't talk to the customers, Fabi,
you are not house trained.

Where's the suit, lovely?

I'll sort out the money, babe.
Do you want to get it?

You don't return my texts.
That's not polite.

It was a mistake to text you.
It was a mistake to talk to you.

And its not one
I'm going to make again. OK?

That's the thing with mistakes.
They can be infectious.

There you go.

Address?

What do want my address for?

No address, no alteration.

I don't want to give you my address.
Flat 3, 11, Margaret Square.

They just to make sure we're not
gonna do a runner. Ready by seven.

Thank you.
See you. Bye-bye.

Later.
What?

When you come to pick up
your suit...sir.

Dickie!

Hey.

How are you?

I'm good, good. How's your horrible
little computer doing?

Not a peep of trouble out of it

since you caressed it
with your magic fingers. Look.

It works like a dream.
That's what I like to hear.

Listen, Imp, I need a favour.

You know, for all the years of free
technical support I've given you.

Anything for you, my hero.
You know that.

Anything your missus would let me,
anyhow.

Yeah, well, that's not much
of a restriction any more.

What do you need?

How does this sound?

How did you get in here?
Through the door.

Can't you knock?
I could if you ask nicely.

Now, I want you to have a listen
to my speech.

I'm going for highly emotional
and poetic.

Can't Dickie help you? Dickie cries
during the Iceland adverts.

Very moved by what a good mother
Kerry is.

I need someone with rocks
instead of a heart.

When my best friend from childhood
was struck down

by an inoperable brain tumour -

Stop.

Tearing up?
No. Do not say anything

other than 'Ladies and gentlemen,
please raise you glasses.'

No, seriously, Babs.
Just those words.

You can add their names if you are
feeling really ambitious.

Otherwise it will be ten different
kinds of nightmare.

Some people are not meant to make
speeches. You are all of them.

I've got a poem.
By? Sylvia Plath.

Get out.

I love the way you don't know
how to stay mad at me.

And I love that baked beans on
baguette are your idea of luxury.

I loved all the Post-Its, in all the
sock draws, and glove compartments

and overnight bags
that said 'I love you'.

And I love that you would never use
your smartness

to make other people feel dumb.

And I love the way you squash
your nose to your top lip

when you watch telly.

I love the way kiwi fruit
makes you sneeze,

and I love that you never seem
to feel the cold.

Oh, God, I love that you love
the theme tune to Bert And Ernie

the way normal people
love Unchained Melody.

I love the way
you can't get to sleep

unless you've got my legs
draped over yours.

And I love that you are always kind
to strangers and children.

I love how much you loved me.

Pure and unconditionally,

always...
with undemanding generosity.

It's like you've made up love
from scratch

and introduced it to a broken
and parched world.

I love you...

my husband.

Hey.
You all right?

I've got to pick up the keys
to the hall. You want to come with?

Why does it need two of us?

I just...

...fancy some company.

Dad, this place is terrible.

Yeah, its going to be fine.

Dad.

It's what she wants.

All right?

OK?

Is this how it's going to be?

How what's going to be?

When she's gone.

You're going to be great.

I don't know how.

It's going to be shit.

It's going to be a shit time.

Look, let's not give her
what she wants.

Let's give her what she needs.

Come on. We've got the
best wedding in the world

to throw together
in less than 48 hours.

Where are we going? We drive off
in all directions, making a plan.

Check.
Second, we make a list

of everyone we've saved
from certain death. Check.

Third, we go round
and call in some serious favours.

Check.

Who's first?
Well, don't look at me.

I'm a 16-year-old schoolboy. You're
the ones with the electric paddles.

Victor Chips! The chip shop guy.

Your dad spent an hour
pounding on his ribs

to get his lard-filled ticker going.

He could do the food.

Sword swallower!

Entertainment isn't the priority.
Venue is the pressing -

I am talking wedding venue! Huh?

Big top. That's brilliant.

This is going to be a great wedding.

Is Fabiana here?

Gone.

I was hoping to erm...

I wanted to...

Look, I was maybe a bit rude before
and I wanted -

A bit?

Well, OK, I was rude before and I -

You messed
with the wrong South American.

She started it

And she will end it. Wait and see.

Three hundred and twenty pounds
and fifty pence.

All right.

Oi! Careful with them flaps,

She said, not for the first time.

Thank you, thank you.

Well...

you said big enough for a thousand,
right?

A hundred, actually.

Well, maybe some of your guests
will be...fat.

So, that's it, then?

Just because you are a bit crap
with money?

Well, there's more to it than that.

Such as?

No. Now I think about it,
that is the reason.

Fool.
Me?

Her.

Best we test it out, I think.

Elf and safety and all that

What was that, Joe?
Nothing.

Secret nothing.

Oh, er...pornography.

I'm sorry, Mum. I'm curious about
the changes going on in my body.

I'm sorry, Mum. I'm curious about
the changes going on in my body.

OK. You're eleven.

That's not happening for another
three years. So open up and show me

what's so bad that porn
was a better fess-up.

Joe.

You can't cure me, Joe.

No-one can.

What eases my pain is to spend time
with you.

Extra minutes with you
makes me live longer.

So don't hide away up here, please.

Sometimes we just have to accept
that we can't fix stuff.

We have to let it be.

It's not fair.

It's not massively, no.

Hitler got more time than you.
And Stalin.

And Mao.

Even Anna Nicole Smith
got to be thirty-nine and a half.

That last one rankles.

What do you think happens?

When?
When we die.

No-one knows, my love.

I think I know.

At least,
I know what most scientists think.

Most scientists are...

Most scientists are atheists.

Come with me.

I want to show you something.

Einstein, Newton, Hawking? All crap.

Only God can make a tree.

Only God can make a soul.
Only God can make eternity.

So don't think you can leave your socks
lying around next year and get away with it.

Look, another miracle.

Just left lying around
in the square.

Dick, I've had an idea
about my speech.

Er...hang on a minute.

Can I come in?
No. No. Cos I'm not decent.

What's with all the flashing?

I'm decorating it inside
with fairy lights.

Never mind, I'll ask Gina,
don't worry.

Oh, man.

Rebound Pixie.

Bad role.

Hey.

Doesn't look half bad, does it?

Do you want to come and see our
amazing handy work?

Does magnesium burn under water?

It does.

I do.

Grr! Grr!
Don't drop him!

You were responsible for this,
weren't you, beanie boy?

No, it was Dad.

Dad and people who love Dad.

Yeah, but...

But you showed him he was in a hole
and pointed the way out.

Yeah, maybe.

That's your job now,
you know that, don't you?

What?

You're the one.

You're the one who sees the world
the way it is.

Your Dad and Joe, they're dreamers.

You and I are more alike
in that way.

Pair of head bangers, you mean?

I know it's been hard
for you sometimes,

Joe being the one everyone
coos over.

He's special.

Yeah, he is.

My point is
that you're very special as well.

You're tough and funny
and real, Harry.

I love you, Mum.

I love you, too.

You never say you love people.

I'm making an exception
in this case.

Told you you were special.

Come on, then.

Name three reasons.

Well, you know,
because you were very persistent.

And I took pity on you in the end.

And because you're my man.

And, besides, Lil McCabe sounds
like a badass '30s gangster!

And, besides, Lil McCabe sounds
like a badass '30s gangster!

Here she is.

You look beautiful.
Nice dress, by the way.

Thanks.
Look at you, Joe.

OK? Are you all right, mate?
Your own dress.

Come here.

Get off.

Come on then, Dickie, let's get
this show on the road, son.

Wahey!
Hey! Here we come!

Hey.

Hi. Slightly warm beers generously,
if unknowingly, donated by my boss.

Hi. Slightly warm beers generously,
if unknowingly, donated by my boss.

To finding your one true love.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

Cheers.
Cheers.

I'm just going to have one last scout
round, see if he's here somewhere.

There he is.

Seen Eros?

Yeah, he's dreamy.
No, I mean, seen him recently?

Nope.

He's not how everyone says.

God of love and ASBOs.
Listen, Harry,

Eros is OK. All that bad stuff in
Mum's files was when he was young.

He's 17.
Younger, then.

Reformed now he's too old for
juvenile sentencing, has he?

Tie a knot in it. And the balloon.

Bollocks.

You've got two choices, Eros.

Put them back, or...

I'll beat the living crap out of you
and then you can put them back

with the one good arm I'll leave you
for the purpose.

Babsiepoos. Best man time.

Come on, you know strike a blow
for female emancipation, please.

Come on, you know strike a blow
for female emancipation, please.

Come on, Babsiepoos.

Ladies and gentlemen, the best man.

Come on!

Right, I'm no...no good...

at saying things
that need to be said.

But erm...

well, I hope I can sing them.

♪ Are you ready?

♪ Are you ready?

♪ Are you ready?

♪ Are you ready?

♪ Are you ready for the time
of your life?

♪ It's time to stand up and fight

♪ It's all right

♪ All right

♪ From the highest mountain,
valley low

♪ We'll join together

♪ With hearts of gold

♪ We'll be living
in a world of peace

♪ On the day when everyone is free

♪ On the day when everyone is free

♪ We'll bring the young and the old

♪ Won't you let your love flow

♪ From your heart

♪ Every woman, every man

♪ Join the caravan of love

♪ Stand up
♪ Stand up

♪ Stand up

♪ Everybody take a stand

♪ Join the caravan of love

♪ Stand up
♪ Stand up

♪ Stand up

♪ You're my brother

♪ You're my brother, don't you know?

♪ You're my sister

♪ You're my sister, don't you know?

♪ From the highest mountain,
valley low

♪ We'll join together

♪ With hearts of gold

♪ Every woman every man

♪ Join the caravan of love ♪

♪ Join the caravan of love ♪

Cheers, guys.

Hey
Hi.

Your mum was amazing,
unlike Eros, I hear.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the happy couple.

You know what I like?
What?

I like that you haven't said
I told you so.

Told you.

OK.

You were too good for him.

I'm lucky to have you
as a not quite brother.

What if I choose not to come back,
Ed?

After the Honeymoon.

What?

What if we just...?

What if we just keep going?

What if we take the boys
out of school?

What if we have you take
compassionate leave?

What if we just keep driving
and driving?

That's a plan, isn't it?

And what if all us went there,
but only three came home?

Cos I don't want to die
in a hospital, Ed.

No, you...

And then when I'm really bored
of your company,

I come and kiss you and the boys
when you're asleep,

I go for a very, very long swim.

I have to...

I have to take control because I
want control and you know how I...

The door! Somebody get the door.

See you later!

We love you, Lil.

Thank you, mate.
See you later. Have a great one.

See you later, mate.
See you, Uncle Dickie.

Hey, look after her.
The bus, I mean.

Everybody set?

Yep, let's go.
Captain's log.

Come back, Dickie. Come on.

What an absolute helmet.
Shut up!

Right, let's see if anyone
has any jump leads.

You know what?
I'm very... I'm tired.

It's no big deal, but maybe
we could just go to a motel.

The boys could stay with Dickie,
we'll get them in the morning.

OK.

Come on, then.
Makes sense.

Lillie's shattered. I'm going
to take her somewhere really nice.

Well, as nice as I can afford,
anyway.

Would you have the kids and
we'll get her going in the morning?

Yeah, of course, I will.
Sorry about that.

It's all right, mate. I take it
you'll be needing a lift, treacle.

A fistful of regulations
being broken there, Floridia.

Don't be a wuss. Let's go.

I love you, Mum.

See you later, Dad.
Love you, Mum.

Bye, guys.

Here we go. Be good, you guys.
Don't stay up too late.

No drinking, Harry.

Bye!

Bye!

See you later! Cheers!
Thanks for everything.

I love how much you love me...
pure and unconditionally.

I love you...my husband.

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