Original subtitles

That's a mighty breakfast you're making there, fat face.

It's lunch for the boys.

We're not going to be gone all frigging day...are we?

I think we might be, yeah.

Well, can you not pull some strings?

You spend half your life at the hospital.

I've packed you a book.

I've just got my job back! I have stuff that needs doing.

You know there's nothing wrong with me

apart from that I'm engaged to an Olympic-standard old woman.

And the best way to prove it is to take a few of tests.

I don't need to because I'm very confident

that the tests would prove you are in fact an old woman.

We're going.

OK.

Coffee for Harry. Tea for Joe.

And hey, my face isn't fat. Hey? Mm.

It's muscular.

It is because you are

the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the cheekal region.

Those lovely... Hang on.

I'll be done in a minute.

Just a few more feet.

Phew.

Where's Ed? Not coming.

What are you looking so pleased about?

You are looking at a new man, troll boy.

Oh, yeah? Yep!

Last night I turned down guaranteed sex in the name of love.

Guaranteed sex? With the cage dancer?

Yep. You see before you a vision of virtue and saintliness.

Because you didn't shag a stripper? Correct.

Did you snog her? Oh, yeah, I snogged her all right.

But I didn't shag her cos of Abbey. How cool is that?!

Yeah, really cool.

Haz. Mm.

Haz. Mm. Get up. Get your clothes on.

Inset day. No school for me or Freaky Leaky.

Yes, I know, but I want to see you dressed.

What's the matter? There's nothing the matter.

I want you up before we go so you don't spend the entire day in bed.

No. What's the matter with you? I called Joe a freak-based name

and you didn't hit me with something big and spiky.

Obviously I'm going soft in my old age. Likely. Mm.

Where are my socks?

In the initiative draw, right next to the gumption.

That's more like it.

Cor, that girl's got some phone number.

I'm not interested in girls.

Just pi.

Why are you wearing shoes on your feet?

Erm, because they keep dropping off my ears?

It's ten past eight.

No school run because of the inset day.

You don't work Fridays and yet you are wearing shoes.

Your Dad and I are popping out for a bit.

So if you and Harry decide you absolutely can't get by

without hacking each other to pieces with a chainsaw,

at least put some newspaper down first, please?

OK, Dickie's across the road if you decide you need someone...

...less grown up to look after.

Back by tea I think.

Wake me for Home And Away.

Next dress! Coming through!

Strip, Abbey, darling.

We have 30 of these offensive meringues to shoot before sundown.

Hey, Abbey. How are you doing? There you are!

Yeah. Sorry, turned into a heavy night with Dickie.

I would've called you but my phone died.

Come and rescue me. I'm getting married

for the 12th time this morning and I'm so bored.

Abbey, darling. Now. Come on. I'll see you later. Bye.

Abbey!

What are you doing tonight, Gina?

I have a date, mother.

Oh. A date? With whom?

A boy called Eros.

Named after the god of love, I believe.

Not Eros Murphy as in my patient?

Yes, I believe he has, on occasions, attended one of your sessions.

Erm...I'm don't think this is such a great idea, Gina. He's, he's...

Not about to break doctor-patient confidentiality there, are you, Mum?

No. I absolutely forbid you

to go within 100 yards of Eros-bloody-Murphy,

you Lolita in too much eye make-up. Am I making myself clear?!

I knew you'd crack first with your phoney, learnt-it-from-a-book,

bogus, contrived, fake, pseudo, simulated 'calm' voice.

Well, is it any wonder? Since I seem to have spawned

the personification of obstinate teenage slutdom!

That is rich coming from a middle-aged harridan

who can't hold down a job, a man or her temper

but still pretends she is suited to child sodding therapy!

You are not seeing him and that is final!

I have seen his file! Me too and he sounds like fun!

How many times have I told you these files are confidential?

Actually, I'm going dancing with Harry.

I just wanted to see if I could make that vein pop.

You're going out with Harry? Yes!

Well, that's good. Harry is a nice boy with no convictions

or ASBOs whatsoever, as far as I know.

Then why are you still shouting? I don't know!

Would you like a cup of tea?

Only if you're making yourself one.

Fine.

Pi is not just the ratio of the circumference

and the diameter of a circle,

it's a thing of beauty.

Pi is infinite, you see?

3.14, then it rolls on and on and on...

...which makes reciting pi perfect for stopping you thinking

about the things you don't really want to think about.

Crisps, peanuts, packet of Spangles?

Do you want anything? Crisps, peanuts, packet of Spangles?

Oh, they haven't sold spangles since Thatcher was Prime Minister.

That woman has got a lot to answer for.

Still, do you want anything?

Yes, a brain with nothing yucky in it would be nice.

You've already got one of those. Of course I have.

That's what I keep trying to tell you.

Can't we just go home? No.

O'Rourke?

Come on.

Obsessive compulsive...

ADD.

Taking drugs, not the hard stuff.

Stealing for attention.

I'm not sure about this one.

What's the story with Toby?

You're not supposed to read those, you know? They're confidential.

Oh, yeah. Of course. Cos you wouldn't leave your files around

for me to read so I can help you puzzle them out

cos that would be unethical, wouldn't it?

Shut up, you great big lump of horse meat.

Toby the new one, then, is he? Yeah. He's sweet.

Very private

but anyway, I can't work it out

and now the mum's starting to wonder if I'm worth the money.

What's supposed to be wrong with him? That's the weird thing.

They say he's morose and unresponsive but... But?

But when I'm with him, he's fine.

We laugh a lot. We play, we draw, we do word games.

Let me get this straight.

You're worried about this kid because he's fine.

Yeah. Well, not according to the parents.

Never met the dad, works all hours.

Mum's a tad on the tense side. Very neat house.

But he's all right when he's with you. Mm.

The idea is they act out in their play,

so they reveal themselves in the way they play. And do they?

Do they what? Do they play with him, Mr Workslate and Mrs Vacuum?

Or do they just park him in front of the TV all day?

This isn't... God, I'm so thick it's unbelievable.

So what's up?

Er, my other half seems to be smelling a funny smell.

A funny smell?

Yes.

Right.

Er, Daisy, cubicle seven's all yours.

Couple of HCs. Thanks.

Er, what's an HC?

Dunno. Liar.

It's a hypochondriac.

Fine. Oh, Lillie.

Lillie, Lillie, please.

I'm just going to get someone to actually look at you.

Just to set my mind at rest, at least. Please.

Fine.

You can't get married like that.

I'm not getting dressed up until you can prove the babies are mine.

As if I'd have to entrap you.

Oh, it's like that, is it?

Give us a bite of your hotdog.

Absolutely not. I will let you lick the ketchup

from the corners of my mouth when I'm done, if you're good.

I am good. I'm VERY good.

You just need to let me show you.

Go and get us more hotdogs, sex slave.

Go on.

All right.

Cow's anus and pig's eyeball in a toasted bun for the beautiful bride.

Who's Fabiana?

If you have to think about the answer, there's no need to answer.

I'm not as hungry as I thought.

Oh, do you mind? What?

I'm trying to feel lonely and abandoned in my trailer,

I've not had a minute to myself all day.

Have you heard from Abbey? Did she call? No.

We broke up...I think.

I hadn't realised you'd got together properly. We hadn't.

But now we're broken up properly. Because you did? Nothing.

Nothing much. Nothing much?

She found out about that dancer from last night.

Right, well, how did she find out about that?

Truthfully.

OK. Well, I kissed this dancer and she gave me her number

but I didn't write it down.

Unfortunately, I've got one of those brains that remembers figures.

I texted her saying thanks for a lovely evening

and she texted back saying any time. Then Abbey saw that text

because Steve Jobs is a sodding show-off geek who makes messages appear

on your iPhone screen without anyone even having to open them

while you're off getting hotdogs.

Like you said...nothing much.

Anyway...

She made a bit of a big deal of it, so I thought it's time to move on.

Do you know, I always think it's ironic

that our parents named ME Dick.

Fix it. I don't think I can.

Besides...when God made women, he gave us three billion variations.

Onwards and upwards.

Sure, kid.

Onwards and upwards.

OK. That all sounds good. Any seizures?

Nope. Blurred or disrupted vision?

No, not really.

Not really? No.

Erm...a few weeks ago I had a bang on the head but it was nothing.

Any deja vu? Knew you were going to say that!

So, any deja vu?

Sometimes.

You know, like everyone, I guess.

Well, you sound like you're in pretty good shape.

How often?

Oh, well, just like normal.

Um, once or twice a day.

Would you like me to take the notes to Mr Dominic, Doctor Reeve?

I don't know him.

He's the visiting neurologist.

Well, maybe he would like a peek at you.

I'm sorry. You know, it feels like we've been waiting

half our adult lives in queues. Is it really necessary?

Well, you paid all that tax for the National Health.

May as well get your money's worth.

With a bit of luck it will be a complete waste of time.

C'mon.

Hello.

Hello, Lils. Any news? No, no.

We're still just queuing and head scratching.

Told you it was an ingrowing toenail or something.

So, what are you doing while my arse is moulding itself to an orange plastic chair?

I saw Dickie today.

He was, he was amazingly helpful with a patient I'd got stuck with.

Well, kids know kids. Hey

Yeah, still, though, I'd forgotten how he...

Oh, bloody hell, Babs.

I let you out of my sight for two minutes and you slide back two years!

No. No. I just...

Anyway, look you don't sound very ill to me so I'm off.

Listen, Babs. This is taking longer here than I thought.

Could you go round the house and check Joe's OK? Yeah.

Thanks, Babble. All right, darling.

Bye, bye, baby, bye. Bye, baby.

I should just take the door off.

Sorry, Uncle Dickie, I was looking for Clint.

How come no-one calls me Uncle Clint?

I need advice about sex and contraception and VD and stuff.

You're the man. Which is why no-one calls you Uncle Clint.

Actually, I need advice about love. Wrong trailer, kid.

Shut up you, big ugly millstone. Who's the lucky girl, Hazza?

Girl from school who asked me out. Excellent start. What's the problem?

I don't knowhow to be around her. How to make her like me.

That's your first mistake. What?

If she likes you you'll never get her to dish out the backstage pass.

Really? Harry, you should speak to your dad about this, don't listen -

My Dad has taken 16 years to get my mum to marry him.

Clint has a different Hollyoaks lookee-likeee every week

so I'll go with him if that's all right.

Fine.

Say more.

You've got to keep girls on their toes.

Don't let her know that you like her.

Look at other women and don't try to hide it.

Right. Do make her laugh.

Cruel and funny leads to bump and grind.

Cruel and funny. Bump and grind.

Do look good. Women are as shallow as men,

they're just better at concealing it.

Smell good too, girls do a lot of detective work with their noses. Pheromones, etc.

OK. Look good. Smell good.

Do not forget the booze.

I'm an attractive and compelling man but nothing beats alcohol

when you want to park your Ferrari in her garage

without stepping on the brakes. Order doubles.

Clint, he's 16. Singles will do it, then.

Harry, I really think that you should speak to your -

Right so clean. Funny. Mean. Drunk.

Her, not you. Check.

And, one more time, no 'liking'. Liking is for saps.

Sex is war. Us versus them.

Invasion, occupation, subjugation is the only strategy that wins wars.

You give 'em an inch, you're ruined.

Man, am I glad I spoke to you!

I thought it was about, you know, respect and honesty,

and open up your heart to the woman you love.

Our house is packed with feminist crappy books full of that stuff.

Thanks.

Wish me luck. Yeah, good luck, man.

Good advice.

Thanks. I wasn't talking about yours.

And Dickie was feeling a bit down so I asked this waitress

if she'd come and chat with us, which she did,

and she was just a ordinary girl, a bit on the sturdy side if anything and!

Bollocks!

Hi again, another four minutes gobbled up there.

Listen, she just texted to say

she'd had a nice evening with me and Dickie.

Ask him yourself. You're making a big deal out of nothing. OK. Bye.

Hi, it's me again.

So please call me back, this is not really fair.

I've not really done anything... Just, just...

Hi, me again. Give me a call, OK? This... This is silly.

Just return my call please, please call me back.

Ah, very good looking, too. Disaster.

My Pedro's face looks like a candle that's been left on the radiator.

No trouble with infidelity there, my friend.

That grey jumper with the Aran pattern front

that made you look like an elephant's arse, by the way.

No.

Tank top? You were pretty nerdy in sixth form.

No. Well, I give up, then!

How am I supposed to know what you had on?

What was I wearing on our first date then, smart-arse?

A blue shirt with a white vest and a dark blue calf length skirt -

He remembers! With tiny angels and cherubs in the pattern.

Exotic and faintly ridiculous cream shoes, naturally,

and a little rag scrunchie the exact same colour as your shirt.

You are the gayest straight man in the known universe.

It was the elephant arse jumper, actually.

But I knew it was just a wild punt so saw no reason

to make you feel any more superior than you do already.

Lillie O'Rourke?

Not seeing anything funny, flashing lights, odd shapes?

Nope.

Just this smell of burning rubber? Yup. Ocassionally.

And you don't in fact live next door to a scrap yard

or go doughnutting in stolen cars at the weekend?

Not so much since I had the kids.

Tell me about the deja vu.

I just get a bit of deja vu. Doesn't everyone?

Yes. How often do you get it?

A normal amount of times. Which is?

I don't... Once a day.

Most people only get it once or twice a year, Lillie.

Sometimes its a sign that your brain's directing traffic

around a road block of some description.

Are you sure about the seizures?

You think I'm having seizures without noticing? Maybe.

Mr O'Rourke, have you noticed your wife - Fiancee.

Have you noticed Lillie losing focus at all? Just for a second?

No. Yes. What?

He means just like a tiny pause in conversation.

That's right.

Why are you - Babe, It's just like...

just like you're gone for a second.

Lets take a Polaroid of that brain of yours.

It's probably nothing but you've paid all that tax

Is that tax thing something they teach you?

They should teach you some different phrases for variety's sake.

Deja vu and small seizures can indicate something not so good.

It's best to get it checked out.

Hand this to reception, with any luck we'll see you tonight.

Thank you. Thanks.

Right.

OK, Babs.

Never realised how much of a crap-absorbing distraction you were.

Few meteors smack into the earth.

The gravity of Saturn makes them smack into it instead, Gina.

Blimey. Did you eat Joe for breakfast?

Why does everyone think I'm thick? I'm lazy, I'm not stupid.

Mum's giving me gip about Eros. Just cos he's got a couple of Asbos

and one teeny GBH conviction she thinks he's Jack The Ripper.

Well, she's your Mum. She's supposed to see danger lurking

behind every convicted criminal.

You're well shot of her. I don't feel that way, G.

Does she talk about me? Nope.

Move on, Dickster. This time its, like, serious.

Yeah. I guess.

You've gone a weird blue colour from not going outside. Huh?

Come with me to buy a dress.

Bet you meet transitional hussy in the changing rooms.

Wait here. I've got to undermine global capitalism

as a protest against the exploitation of the working classes.

I'm going to switch price tags.

Your underage girlfriend seems to be helping

with the product labelling, big guy.

She's my daughter. Sort of.

That's what all the pervs say.

If she's going to semi-nick a dress

she really ought to go for the blue one. Suits her eyes.

You're pretty for an undercover cop... Natalie.

Natalie. Natalie Willie.

Desperate to get married for obvious reasons.

Could have been worse. My mum went out with a Mr Penis

before my dad won her heart.

How about you? Married, single, other?

Other.

Close enough. I get off in ten.

Do you want to get off with me?

As much as I enjoy watching you scribble all these numbers, Joe,

I have actually cooked your tea,

which is currently getting cold downstairs.

Though they are rather pretty.

Very pretty.

I can recite the decimals in pi

like I'm watching them out of a train window.

They pass like rolling numerical scenery

with the prime numbers acting as station names,

letting you know you are on the right line.

I get on the imaginary train and look out the imaginary window

and it carries me away from the other picture in my head.

What picture, Joe?

The picture of the MRI scanner with my mummy's feet sticking out if it.

I put two and two together, it's my curse.

Why didn't she say?

Well... Maybe she didn't want to scare Harry.

And it's probably nothing.

Harry can't do the pi thing.

Best to leave him in peace. If its probably nothing.

A bit of contrast in there.

Hi, Harry. Hi, Auntie Babs.

Hi, Auntie Babs. I've come to drop Joe and pick up Gina.

Er...take her out, I mean. Go out with her. At the same time, I mean.

Gina! Harry's here.

'Be back by 10:30. Don't take drugs. Don't drink. Don't take unlicensed cabs.

A baby will ruin your chances of a proper education. You don't want to end up like me.'

A baby will ruin your chances of a proper education. You don't want to end up like me.'

I'll look after her. I'm sure you will.

Got a selection.

Oh, that's nice. What's that?

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting married.

I bet their kids will be good-looking.

The economy's booming. Dickie ought to get himself round to this Northern Rock

and get one of their 110 per cent mortgages.

Madonna and Guy are having a baby.

Oh, they look so in love.

Jesus.

May '97.

This Cosmo's older than...

Stop that.

You are going to be fine.

I will punch holes in plate steel. I will demolish whole buildings.

I'll spin the world in the opposite direction. Nothing is gonna happen to my girl.

No, I'm not worried about me, idiot.

Just reading that Tony Blair was going to fix education,

and street crime and world peace.

I was momentarily overwhelmed by what a brilliant Prime Minister he's turning out to be.

Go away. Abbey, wait. Listen. I can explain.

I don't want you to. I want there to be nothing to explain.

Abbey, wait, please...

Right.

It was obvious he was gonna ask us what we were up to. It looked so dodgy, right?

So, then Spud tries to make out that he had the DVD down his trousers.

Next, he's being carried out by two security guards whose necks were bigger than my torso.

Mind you, your torso is pretty feeble.

It's called being skinny-ripped. We can't all pull off fat the way you do.

Are you seriously looking...

Hi, Gina. Hi, Eros.

Who's your friend?

This is my friend Harry.

He helped me get out of the house.

Mum wasn't too happy about the idea of me seeing you.

Can't blame her.

Cheers, Harry. I owe you.

Aren't you coming in? Er...no...

I've just remembered - I've got homework.

Fourth floor. Naturally.

Take that, you robbing, junkie bastard!

And that, and that, and a couple of those!

Mrs. Kelly!

It's all right. Mrs Kelly! It's all right. He's with me.

Well, he's not with me, but I don't think he means us any harm.

Well, not you, at least.

Never heard of fecking Interflora - eejit?

Climbing down should be easier. No, wait. Abbey! Fabiana's...

I don't care who she is. Then let me tell you who I am.

I know exactly who you are. Now.

No. No, you don't, because I've never showed you.

I'm always hiding. I'm a coward,

because I'm so ashamed of what I've turned out to be.

But then I fell in love with you.

Somehow. And I realised I'm the last man in the world that you should ever love.

Somehow. And I realised I'm the last man in the world that you should ever love.

No need to climb all that way to tell me that.

But you have to love me back, Abbey.

You have to. Please.

I want to be...I want to be the kind of man that someone like you could love,

because I have you wrapped around my heart so entirely that my blood will not flow.

So, you shagged a stripper out of sheer love for me?

I only kissed her. You exchanged saliva and phone numbers.

I thought I wanted my old life back. Then I realised all I wanted was you.

I don't know the first thing about love.

I don't know how to get you to love me.

All I know is tricks and disguises.

Looking good, smelling nice.

I mean, I don't want to do that any more.

Well, you look like shit and you smell worse.

Shall I go at the little bollix? We're all right for the moment, Mrs Kelly. Thank you.

I fell for the chinks in the armour, not the armour.

You clueless idiot.

I like the chinks.

What if I turned out to be all chinks?

You hurt me. I know.

You're not supposed to hurt people you love.

I know. Now.

Well, don't do it again.

I won't. Good.

Mrs Kelly's only a whistle away.

You can bet your bony arse on that, gob-shite!

If she'll let you out, I'll let you in.

Mrs. Kelly?

Don't stop! Don't stop!

See you. See you.

Seven, nine, three, two, three,

eight, four, six, two, six, four, three,

three, nine, one, two, six, eight, two...

Thank you for your patience. I'm sorry it's taken so long.

It's not a good idea to be categorical at this stage.

Just tell me how it is.

I want to do more tests and consult a surgeon,

but it looks very much like you have a grade-three tumour at the top of your brain stem.

but it looks very much like you have a grade-three tumour at the top of your brain stem.

We'll find the best surgeon, in the best hospital, with the best anaesthetist...

He's not done. Microsurgery's a miracle now...

He's not done, baby.

As I said, it's not wise to be categorical at this stage.

But...? But...

...if things are as they appear, it's impossible to operate here.

...if things are as they appear, it's impossible to operate here.

The centres that control breathing are millimetres away.

Chemo's not the grim business it used to be. He's still not done.

I need to confer and I would like a higher-resolution MRI, but...

There's nothing you can do, is there?

No, because he's a 12-year-old child!

And we're gonna go to someone who didn't go to medical school in shitting Mexico!

Who doesn't jump to the first fucking conclusion!

We're gonna get a second opinion.

OK. So, you go and get my stuff...

...and I'll be out in a second.

So...how long...?

It's hard to say without more tests.

How long?

Six months.

Maybe less.

Thank you...for your time.

Hey.

What did he say?

He said to get a second opinion.

'Joe and Harry O'Rourke McCabe invite you

to the long-delayed marriage of their mother and father,

as a matter of urgency.'

We had big plans. We are not borrowing money.

Best wedding in the world to throw together in 48 hours.

I've got to talk out loud in front of people.

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