Original subtitles

MUSIC: 'I Only Wanna Be With You'

Yeah, no, it was awful.

They were throwing bottles at police, they set fire to a car.

They chased me 300 yards up the road.

Personally, I'd ban hen nights from the town centre, but...

Yeah. All right, see you tomorrow.

Coffee? I need a word with you.

Oh, not now,

I've got to probe the temperature of this sausage.

In accordance with regulatory requirements.

It won't take a second.

'Hello!

'Councillor Lavinia Bone here,

'and I'm running for Mayor.

'I'm already a bit of a mare,

'but now I want to be Mayor of Seagate,

'so I can get even more of my snout in this trough.'

GOBBLES

'Oh, lovely.

'Now for some posh plonk.

'Oh!

'Ooh!

'Thank you, council tax payers.

'Make Seagate great again.'

Auntie, tell me you had nothing to do with this.

I had nothing to do with this.

One fat-free option? Here.

What's fat-free about that?

There's no butter on the bread.

I thought you were... That voice sounded very like you.

Did it?

Well, I thought it was a very skilful impersonation.

By whoever did it.

How many views has it had? Erm...

43.

That's not bad in seven hours.

Or so. From whatever time it was probably posted.

It was late at night and you'd been at the cooking sherry again,

hadn't you? Oh, loosen up.

Anyway, it's you who's always telling me

to engage with social media.

Yeah, but you've gone straight to trolling.

Yeah, OK.

Here we go.

You know, the Frothy Coffee gives you a petit four with your coffee.

You keep complaining, you'll get a petit five with yours.

Again, these are not consultations.

No-one must say the word doctor.

Do you understand? Yes, Doctor.

So, what is your problem today, Iris?

Well, it's not about me, it's about him.

Very well. Yes?

He has a sore patch on his tail.

Oh, for...

I am a highly trained, fully qualified doctor.

I thought we couldn't say that.

I may have fallen a long way, but I do not stoop to treating dogs.

Well, dogs are basically the same as humans, aren't they?

No.

Yes, they are.

They're just people with two extra legs.

Mankind has written great literature,

conquered nature, travelled to the moon and back.

Dogs just scratch for fleas and lick their own genitalia.

Sandra who worked in the library could do that.

Come on, Iris, I've told you before, no dogs.

It's an emotional support animal.

If anyone needs emotional support, it's the dog.

Now, come on, rules are rules.

But I wanted the doctor's advice about erectile dysfunction.

I think you'll find that that does not affect women.

I think you'll find it does.

Honestly, that noise is driving me mad.

What noise?

That busker. Just listen to him.

What's he doing, waterboarding an asthmatic goat?

It's extremely difficult to hear.

He's stopping customers from coming in here.

No, what stops customers from coming in here

is you saying, "You can't come in here."

What are you doing?

I'm practising my confident and self-assured face

because tomorrow, I have my substantive interview

with the immigration people. Oh, yeah, right.

Does this look confident?

Er...

Confident, yeah,

with just a hint of insanity.

Cup of tea and beans on toast, please, Katherine.

Just seen your grandson out in the high street.

Spencer's gone out of the flat?

Into the outdoors?

That's brilliant!

Yeah, brilliant.

Honestly, why does money need a window?

Well, that's a real breakthrough.

Yeah, a real breakthrough.

She doesn't seem very pleased.

His mother's to come over from Thailand for a couple of days,

so he's gone out to meet her. First time he's been out the door,

well, since that hornet's nest fell out the attic.

So your grandson, who could not get out the door,

has gone out of the door to see the daughter

with whom you have the feud?

Look, I don't need my own life explained to me, thank you.

Oh, this sodding thing!

Yeah, well, that's what happens when you go online

and buy kitchenware from the Bulgarian Navy.

I've instructed my solicitor to sue you for libel.

Hello, Councillor Bone.

Can I get you a hot beverage? Tea, coffee?

Blood?

You won't succeed in annoying me. Now, there's a challenge.

I'm floating, Kate.

I'm leaving you to dissolve in your own toxic jealousy

while I become Mayor and secure my legacy.

A tech hub stretching from north Seagate...

..to south Seagate.

I will go down as the creator of Silicon Pier.

Sorry, you lost me at floating.

You see, unlike you, Kate, I'm a doer.

That's how I describe myself in Who's Who, which I'm in,

because I'm a who.

Lavinia Bone. Doer.

And I'm gonna keep on doing.

I'm gonna do, do, do. You're banned.

What? No singing.

You stupid cow.

Challenge achieved.

I'm going to win a lot of damages for defamation.

You'll have to sell this cafe.

What are you smiling at?

You look insane.

Dammit.

You've nothing to smile about.

Don't you worry, I've marked your card.

"I'm floating"?

Is she on drugs?

Only Botulinum.

It's primarily prescribed for hemifacial spasm,

though there is a risk of angle-closure glaucoma.

But it's also known as Botox.

HE CHUCKLES

Which is why it's funny.

You're probably laughing inside.

Yeah.

Deep inside.

"I've marked your card."

Usually when she threatens me, she doesn't use the past tense.

Oh, she's just...

I can't hear myself think.

That stupid busker

and his stupid Peruvian hat

and that stupid whoopy pipey thing!

It's not surprising the Incas got wiped out.

Listen. Can you hear him?

Well... Shush!

I can hear Mr Mulholland snoring.

SNORES

How can you not hear that?

Well, maybe you do and we don't.

See, I was watching this documentary

about how the brain actually chooses what it listens to.

Sorry, I didn't catch that, my brain chose not to listen to you.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, for God's sake. My asylum interview's been cancelled.

Why the hell would they do that?

I just dropped off.

God, I think I might have sleep apnoea.

That's really dangerous, I could die in my sleep.

Well, fingers crossed.

This is the worst thing that could happen.

PHONE BEEPS

I'll get you a nice, fresh cup of tea.

No, THIS is the worst thing that could happen.

My lawyers found out that someone has reported me

for working illegally.

That's why Councillor Bone used the past tense,

she's reported you.

Why would she do that?

Cos she's Councillor Bone.

She tried to get an injunction banning those Albanians

from provocatively sitting on a wall.

PHONE BEEPS

Erm... My lawyer says I should get a letter from the cafe owner,

er, denying the allegations.

Don't you worry, Koji, I'll do that now.

Thank you, Kate. Oh, just remember to sign it.

Hm? Well, most of the letters you send are anonymous.

Yeah, it's a good letter,

but maybe just keep it to essentials.

Erm, cut that sentence. Which one?

From "brain-dead pen pushers" to "rot in hell".

Oh, right, sorry.

Force of habit.

You've got nice handwriting, you know.

Yeah, I learned that at school.

Your handwriting had to be nice,

or Sister Cecilia would hit you with a shovel.

Isn't that Spencer out there with his mum? Could be.

Look, if your daughter's actually in Seagate,

maybe you should just say hello, give her a call?

For your information, I did.

Really?

Well, that's great. She hung up.

Right.

You must be feeling upset.

Upset? I'm not upset. Why would I be upset?

Any chance of a... No, get out.

All I'm saying is, Auntie, it must be hurtful for you...

Don't you blame Spencer.

You don't know what he's been going through.

HE SCOFFS

What?

What has Spencer been through? Huh?

A bad internet connection? A verruca?

You've never even met him.

And thank God for that, because from what I've heard,

he sounds like he's basically just a big stain on the sofa.

Right.

You can stick your letter.

What?

No, no. No, no, you...

You have a moral obligation to help

because you caused all of this with your stupid feud.

They'll... They'll turn me down and ship me home.

I'll get killed!

Well, that'd teach you to spout opinions

about other people's business. OK, let's just stop there

before anyone else says anything they'll regret.

You stupid woman! Like that.

Oh, go back where you came from.

Or that!

Right, Auntie, you have really crossed the line there,

so why don't we just tiptoe back to the other side of the line...

"My name's Kate and I'm never wrong."

"I stupidly spoil my grandson

"because I won't accept that he's stupid!"

That's not helping anyone either.

Now, I was gonna give you this letter,

even though I said I wouldn't...

But now I won't.

I'm never coming back here.

Well, that's good because you're banned.

I chose never to come back before you banned me!

Well, when I banned you, I banned you retrospectively

so you were, in fact, banned first!

Well, he's gonna feel embarrassed in the morning.

He's still not picking up.

He's just disappeared.

You've done it this time. What?

What did I do? It's not my fault he's a snowflake.

A snowflake?

You could still write him that letter.

He disrespected me with a rubber glove.

Oh, well, fair enough (!)

I mean, that is sufficient reason to get him deported (!)

Look, this is all on you.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I forgot they made me Home Secretary (!)

Oh, what a surprise cabinet reshuffle that was.

I'm in charge of immigration policy now.

I must get round to reforming that,

just as soon as I've boosted police numbers,

stopped cybercrime and unblocked the bog.

Look, they won't chuck him out, he's a doctor,

this country needs doctors.

He'll be fine, he's totally legit.

No, he's not, actually.

He is a doctor, but...

He came in on his brother's passport.

He had to. To get out alive.

Look, when he got here,

he panicked and he didn't explain all of that to immigration.

Well...

They probably won't clock it.

I mean, let's face it, they're not that bright, are they?

Martin Potts went to work for immigration,

and I once saw him nail his own hand to the wall.

Look, he took the mickey out...

Do you know what, none of this was about Koji, was it?

Look, you were angry with Spencer for...

..for seeing his mum.

And then you took all that out on Koji.

You are just one big seething morass of anger issues,

and because of that, we may never see Koji again.

Honestly, Mum,

I don't know why everyone's getting so worked up.

It's not as if any of this is my fault.

Yeah, well, no-one asked you.

'Yes?'

Ah. Hello?

Erm, my name is Dr Akindele.

I am here to straighten out a misunderstanding.

'Do you have an appointment?'

Well, I did, but it got cancelled.

So I just need to talk to somebody with the authority...

'Clients can't be seen without an appointment.'

But this is very import... BEEP

Ah...

Hello?

Hello?!

'Yes?'

Please don't cut me off again.

'Do you have an appointment?' An appointment? No.

BEEP

I think this behaviour is rather rude.

I came to Britain because people told me

it was a country of courtesy, good manners and decorum,

but I'm beginning to think that I was misinformed.

So, you should know that I am determined to stay here

until I speak to somebody with a face.

I've got a face.

What time's the doctor coming?

I'm not sure if he is coming in today, Iris.

Only this lump's come up on my leg.

Right.

You haven't got a walnut stuck in your tights again, have you?

Oh, I'll check.

Surprised to see you today.

Yeah, well, here I am.

I see your panpipe busker's gone.

Yeah, for good.

You haven't killed him, have you?

No. Contrary to your caricature of me,

I calmly explained my feelings to him,

and together we agreed that he would relocate

to the pedestrian precinct half a mile away.

Right.

I see the boating lake's freezing over.

Hey, did you know...

SHE SIGHS ..that 3% of Antarctic ice

is frozen penguin urine.

No, I didn't know that, and I didn't need to.

You're very perky.

Yeah, well, I've just seen this very interesting thing on YouTube.

Well, only cretins find things on YouTube interesting.

Oh, I don't know... No, I'm too busy, I don't want to see it.

You're right, it is a walnut.

So, er...

Have you spoken to Koji? DOOR OPENS

Do we know if he's all right?

Maybe you could ask yourself.

Hello.

Didn't throw you out, then.

Cup of tea? No.

I have merely come to return this coat.

That was a gift. Then I'm giving back your gift.

I don't want you to give back the gift I gave.

If you gave me the gift, then the gift is mine to give back.

I don't want it back. I don't want it back...

And here we go again.

Doctor, I think I've developed an allergy to my own ear wax.

Surgery's closed. Permanently.

So, where have you been?

I went to the office of the asylum support service.

What, without an appointment?

Yes.

And there I got involved in a confrontation

with a very low IQ, bald employee of the immigration department.

What was his name?

No idea.

Did he look like someone who might have once nailed his hand to a wall?

What? It doesn't matter. Go on.

Well, things started to turn a little heated

when my lawyer text me to say that the allegations about me working

had been withdrawn.

Well, there's a stroke of luck.

Yes, it was. Erm...

I don't actually think it was luck.

Actually, it's an almond.

My name is Katherine Abbott...

and I would like to apologise

for my hate crime involving a sock puppet,

which, erm, traduced the good name of Councillor Bone.

Furthermore, I'd like to say that I have known

the admirable Mrs Bone for over 60 years,

and I think she should definitely be appointed as Mayor

because she would rejuvenate this town

and turn Seagate into the...

..Venice of South Essex.

So Councillor Bone dropped the complaint...

Provided Kate swallowed this jumbo-sized helping

of humble pie, yeah.

Hm.

I suppose it would be wrong of me to gloat over this

and rub Kate's nose in this humiliation.

Yes, it would. You're bigger than that.

Am I?

Yes.

Dammit.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, my date's running late.

His taxi hasn't arrived.

Your date is a male person?

Yeah.

So you are... Bisexual? Yeah, why?

No reason.

It's just you never mentioned it.

Well, you never asked.

Had you said, Medium, are you by any chance bisexual?

Then I'd have mentioned it. Mentioned what?

Oh, Koji says I've never mentioned my sexuality.

Oh, that.

Everyone's got a sexuality these days.

We just had sex.

And then only at the weekend.

Listen, Koji...

I'm sorry I said that awful thing about, you know,

you going back to, erm, where you came from.

I'm really...

really sorry.

Apology accepted.

And you should know that the last time she apologised voluntarily

was back in March of 1967.

There's a plaque outside the town hall.

Oi, you, you cheeky beggar.

SHE GRUNTS

OK, does the little lady need some help?

To be fair, Auntie,

that apology you did was a big thing.

I think you showed a lot of dignity.

Are you all right there? Yeah, yeah, fine.

Where was I? Dignity.

Oh, yes.

Look, seriously, I think the way that you compromised

proves that you are learning to manage your anger issues.

Yeah. Perhaps you're right.

PANPIPES PLAYING OUTSIDE

Oh, isn't that lovely?

It sounds a lot closer.

Will you excuse me?

SHARP SQUEAK MAN: Ow!

So, who's for tea?

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