All language subtitles for Kate And Koji s01e06.eng

MUSIC: 'I Only Wanna Be With You'

Yeah, no, it was awful.

They were throwing bottles
at police, they set fire to a car.

They chased me
300 yards up the road.

Personally, I'd ban hen nights
from the town centre, but...

Yeah. All right, see you tomorrow.

Coffee?
I need a word with you.

Oh, not now,

I've got to probe the temperature
of this sausage.

In accordance with
regulatory requirements.

It won't take a second.

'Hello!

'Councillor Lavinia Bone here,

'and I'm running for Mayor.

'I'm already a bit of a mare,

'but now I want to be
Mayor of Seagate,

'so I can get even more of my snout
in this trough.'

GOBBLES

'Oh, lovely.

'Now for some posh plonk.

'Oh!

'Ooh!

'Thank you, council tax payers.

'Make Seagate great again.'

Auntie, tell me you had
nothing to do with this.

I had nothing to do with this.

One fat-free option?
Here.

What's fat-free about that?

There's no butter on the bread.

I thought you were...
That voice sounded very like you.

Did it?

Well, I thought it was
a very skilful impersonation.

By whoever did it.

How many views has it had?
Erm...

43.

That's not bad in seven hours.

Or so. From whatever time
it was probably posted.

It was late at night and you'd been
at the cooking sherry again,

hadn't you?
Oh, loosen up.

Anyway, it's you
who's always telling me

to engage with social media.

Yeah, but you've gone
straight to trolling.

Yeah, OK.

Here we go.

You know, the Frothy Coffee gives
you a petit four with your coffee.

You keep complaining,
you'll get a petit five with yours.

Again, these are not consultations.

No-one must say the word doctor.

Do you understand?
Yes, Doctor.

So, what is your problem today,
Iris?

Well, it's not about me,
it's about him.

Very well. Yes?

He has a sore patch on his tail.

Oh, for...

I am a highly trained,
fully qualified doctor.

I thought we couldn't say that.

I may have fallen a long way,
but I do not stoop to treating dogs.

Well, dogs are basically the same
as humans, aren't they?

No.

Yes, they are.

They're just people
with two extra legs.

Mankind has written
great literature,

conquered nature,
travelled to the moon and back.

Dogs just scratch for fleas
and lick their own genitalia.

Sandra who worked in the library
could do that.

Come on, Iris, I've told you before,
no dogs.

It's an emotional support animal.

If anyone needs emotional support,
it's the dog.

Now, come on, rules are rules.

But I wanted the doctor's advice
about erectile dysfunction.

I think you'll find that
that does not affect women.

I think you'll find it does.

Honestly, that noise
is driving me mad.

What noise?

That busker. Just listen to him.

What's he doing,
waterboarding an asthmatic goat?

It's extremely difficult to hear.

He's stopping customers
from coming in here.

No, what stops customers
from coming in here

is you saying,
"You can't come in here."

What are you doing?

I'm practising my confident
and self-assured face

because tomorrow,
I have my substantive interview

with the immigration people.
Oh, yeah, right.

Does this look confident?

Er...

Confident, yeah,

with just a hint of insanity.

Cup of tea and beans on toast,
please, Katherine.

Just seen your grandson
out in the high street.

Spencer's gone out of the flat?

Into the outdoors?

That's brilliant!

Yeah, brilliant.

Honestly, why does money
need a window?

Well, that's a real breakthrough.

Yeah, a real breakthrough.

She doesn't seem very pleased.

His mother's to come over
from Thailand for a couple of days,

so he's gone out to meet her.
First time he's been out the door,

well, since that hornet's nest
fell out the attic.

So your grandson,
who could not get out the door,

has gone out of the door
to see the daughter

with whom you have the feud?

Look, I don't need my own life
explained to me, thank you.

Oh, this sodding thing!

Yeah, well, that's what happens
when you go online

and buy kitchenware
from the Bulgarian Navy.

I've instructed my solicitor
to sue you for libel.

Hello, Councillor Bone.

Can I get you a hot beverage?
Tea, coffee?

Blood?

You won't succeed in annoying me.
Now, there's a challenge.

I'm floating, Kate.

I'm leaving you to dissolve
in your own toxic jealousy

while I become Mayor
and secure my legacy.

A tech hub stretching from
north Seagate...

..to south Seagate.

I will go down as the creator
of Silicon Pier.

Sorry, you lost me at floating.

You see, unlike you,
Kate, I'm a doer.

That's how I describe myself
in Who's Who, which I'm in,

because I'm a who.

Lavinia Bone. Doer.

And I'm gonna keep on doing.

I'm gonna do, do, do.
You're banned.

What?
No singing.

You stupid cow.

Challenge achieved.

I'm going to win a lot of damages
for defamation.

You'll have to sell this cafe.

What are you smiling at?

You look insane.

Dammit.

You've nothing to smile about.

Don't you worry,
I've marked your card.

"I'm floating"?

Is she on drugs?

Only Botulinum.

It's primarily prescribed
for hemifacial spasm,

though there is a risk
of angle-closure glaucoma.

But it's also known as Botox.

HE CHUCKLES

Which is why it's funny.

You're probably laughing inside.

Yeah.

Deep inside.

"I've marked your card."

Usually when she threatens me,
she doesn't use the past tense.

Oh, she's just...

I can't hear myself think.

That stupid busker

and his stupid Peruvian hat

and that stupid whoopy pipey thing!

It's not surprising
the Incas got wiped out.

Listen. Can you hear him?

Well...
Shush!

I can hear Mr Mulholland snoring.

SNORES

How can you not hear that?

Well, maybe you do and we don't.

See, I was watching this documentary

about how the brain actually chooses
what it listens to.

Sorry, I didn't catch that,
my brain chose not to listen to you.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, for God's sake. My asylum
interview's been cancelled.

Why the hell would they do that?

I just dropped off.

God, I think I might have
sleep apnoea.

That's really dangerous,
I could die in my sleep.

Well, fingers crossed.

This is the worst thing
that could happen.

PHONE BEEPS

I'll get you a nice,
fresh cup of tea.

No, THIS is the worst thing
that could happen.

My lawyers found out
that someone has reported me

for working illegally.

That's why Councillor Bone
used the past tense,

she's reported you.

Why would she do that?

Cos she's Councillor Bone.

She tried to get an injunction
banning those Albanians

from provocatively
sitting on a wall.

PHONE BEEPS

Erm... My lawyer says I should
get a letter from the cafe owner,

er, denying the allegations.

Don't you worry, Koji,
I'll do that now.

Thank you, Kate.
Oh, just remember to sign it.

Hm? Well, most of the letters
you send are anonymous.

Yeah, it's a good letter,

but maybe just keep it
to essentials.

Erm, cut that sentence.
Which one?

From "brain-dead pen pushers"
to "rot in hell".

Oh, right, sorry.

Force of habit.

You've got nice handwriting,
you know.

Yeah, I learned that at school.

Your handwriting had to be nice,

or Sister Cecilia
would hit you with a shovel.

Isn't that Spencer out there
with his mum? Could be.

Look, if your daughter's
actually in Seagate,

maybe you should just say hello,
give her a call?

For your information, I did.

Really?

Well, that's great.
She hung up.

Right.

You must be feeling upset.

Upset? I'm not upset.
Why would I be upset?

Any chance of a...
No, get out.

All I'm saying is, Auntie,
it must be hurtful for you...

Don't you blame Spencer.

You don't know what
he's been going through.

HE SCOFFS

What?

What has Spencer been through? Huh?

A bad internet connection?
A verruca?

You've never even met him.

And thank God for that,
because from what I've heard,

he sounds like he's basically
just a big stain on the sofa.

Right.

You can stick your letter.

What?

No, no. No, no, you...

You have a moral obligation to help

because you caused all of this
with your stupid feud.

They'll... They'll turn me down
and ship me home.

I'll get killed!

Well, that'd teach you
to spout opinions

about other people's business.
OK, let's just stop there

before anyone else says anything
they'll regret.

You stupid woman!
Like that.

Oh, go back where you came from.

Or that!

Right, Auntie, you have really
crossed the line there,

so why don't we just tiptoe back
to the other side of the line...

"My name's Kate
and I'm never wrong."

"I stupidly spoil my grandson

"because I won't accept
that he's stupid!"

That's not helping anyone either.

Now, I was gonna give you
this letter,

even though I said I wouldn't...

But now I won't.

I'm never coming back here.

Well, that's good
because you're banned.

I chose never to come back
before you banned me!

Well, when I banned you,
I banned you retrospectively

so you were, in fact, banned first!

Well, he's gonna feel embarrassed
in the morning.

He's still not picking up.

He's just disappeared.

You've done it this time.
What?

What did I do? It's not my fault
he's a snowflake.

A snowflake?

You could still write him
that letter.

He disrespected me
with a rubber glove.

Oh, well, fair enough (!)

I mean, that is sufficient reason
to get him deported (!)

Look, this is all on you.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I forgot they made me
Home Secretary (!)

Oh, what a surprise
cabinet reshuffle that was.

I'm in charge of immigration policy
now.

I must get round to reforming that,

just as soon
as I've boosted police numbers,

stopped cybercrime
and unblocked the bog.

Look, they won't chuck him out,
he's a doctor,

this country needs doctors.

He'll be fine, he's totally legit.

No, he's not, actually.

He is a doctor, but...

He came in on his
brother's passport.

He had to. To get out alive.

Look, when he got here,

he panicked and he didn't explain
all of that to immigration.

Well...

They probably won't clock it.

I mean, let's face it,
they're not that bright, are they?

Martin Potts went to work
for immigration,

and I once saw him
nail his own hand to the wall.

Look, he took the mickey out...

Do you know what, none of this
was about Koji, was it?

Look, you were angry with Spencer
for...

..for seeing his mum.

And then you took all that out
on Koji.

You are just one big seething morass
of anger issues,

and because of that,
we may never see Koji again.

Honestly, Mum,

I don't know why everyone's
getting so worked up.

It's not as if any of this
is my fault.

Yeah, well, no-one asked you.

'Yes?'

Ah. Hello?

Erm, my name is Dr Akindele.

I am here to straighten out
a misunderstanding.

'Do you have an appointment?'

Well, I did, but it got cancelled.

So I just need to talk to somebody
with the authority...

'Clients can't be seen
without an appointment.'

But this is very import...
BEEP

Ah...

Hello?

Hello?!

'Yes?'

Please don't cut me off again.

'Do you have an appointment?'
An appointment? No.

BEEP

I think this behaviour
is rather rude.

I came to Britain
because people told me

it was a country of courtesy,
good manners and decorum,

but I'm beginning to think
that I was misinformed.

So, you should know that
I am determined to stay here

until I speak to somebody
with a face.

I've got a face.

What time's the doctor coming?

I'm not sure if he is
coming in today, Iris.

Only this lump's come up on my leg.

Right.

You haven't got a walnut stuck
in your tights again, have you?

Oh, I'll check.

Surprised to see you today.

Yeah, well, here I am.

I see your panpipe busker's gone.

Yeah, for good.

You haven't killed him, have you?

No. Contrary to your
caricature of me,

I calmly explained my feelings
to him,

and together we agreed
that he would relocate

to the pedestrian precinct
half a mile away.

Right.

I see the boating lake's
freezing over.

Hey, did you know...

SHE SIGHS
..that 3% of Antarctic ice

is frozen penguin urine.

No, I didn't know that,
and I didn't need to.

You're very perky.

Yeah, well, I've just seen this
very interesting thing on YouTube.

Well, only cretins find things
on YouTube interesting.

Oh, I don't know... No, I'm too
busy, I don't want to see it.

You're right, it is a walnut.

So, er...

Have you spoken to Koji?
DOOR OPENS

Do we know if he's all right?

Maybe you could ask yourself.

Hello.

Didn't throw you out, then.

Cup of tea?
No.

I have merely come
to return this coat.

That was a gift.
Then I'm giving back your gift.

I don't want you
to give back the gift I gave.

If you gave me the gift,
then the gift is mine to give back.

I don't want it back.
I don't want it back...

And here we go again.

Doctor, I think I've developed
an allergy to my own ear wax.

Surgery's closed. Permanently.

So, where have you been?

I went to the office
of the asylum support service.

What, without an appointment?

Yes.

And there I got involved
in a confrontation

with a very low IQ, bald employee
of the immigration department.

What was his name?

No idea.

Did he look like someone who might
have once nailed his hand to a wall?

What?
It doesn't matter. Go on.

Well, things started
to turn a little heated

when my lawyer text me to say that
the allegations about me working

had been withdrawn.

Well, there's a stroke of luck.

Yes, it was.
Erm...

I don't actually think it was luck.

Actually, it's an almond.

My name is Katherine Abbott...

and I would like to apologise

for my hate crime
involving a sock puppet,

which, erm, traduced the good name
of Councillor Bone.

Furthermore, I'd like to say
that I have known

the admirable Mrs Bone
for over 60 years,

and I think she should definitely
be appointed as Mayor

because she would rejuvenate
this town

and turn Seagate into the...

..Venice of South Essex.

So Councillor Bone
dropped the complaint...

Provided Kate swallowed
this jumbo-sized helping

of humble pie, yeah.

Hm.

I suppose it would be wrong of me
to gloat over this

and rub Kate's nose
in this humiliation.

Yes, it would.
You're bigger than that.

Am I?

Yes.

Dammit.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, my date's running late.

His taxi hasn't arrived.

Your date is a male person?

Yeah.

So you are...
Bisexual? Yeah, why?

No reason.

It's just you never mentioned it.

Well, you never asked.

Had you said, Medium,
are you by any chance bisexual?

Then I'd have mentioned it.
Mentioned what?

Oh, Koji says I've never mentioned
my sexuality.

Oh, that.

Everyone's got a sexuality
these days.

We just had sex.

And then only at the weekend.

Listen, Koji...

I'm sorry I said that awful thing
about, you know,

you going back to, erm,
where you came from.

I'm really...

really sorry.

Apology accepted.

And you should know that the last
time she apologised voluntarily

was back in March of 1967.

There's a plaque
outside the town hall.

Oi, you, you cheeky beggar.

SHE GRUNTS

OK, does the little lady
need some help?

To be fair, Auntie,

that apology you did
was a big thing.

I think you showed a lot of dignity.

Are you all right there?
Yeah, yeah, fine.

Where was I?
Dignity.

Oh, yes.

Look, seriously, I think
the way that you compromised

proves that you are learning
to manage your anger issues.

Yeah. Perhaps you're right.

PANPIPES PLAYING OUTSIDE

Oh, isn't that lovely?

It sounds a lot closer.

Will you excuse me?

SHARP SQUEAK
MAN: Ow!

So, who's for tea?

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