Original subtitles

MUSIC: 'I Only Wanna Be With You'

OK, here's another one for you.

Who would win in a fight

between Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton?

Despite their differences, I think it is highly unlikely

that they would engage in a fistfight.

You really don't get this game, do you?

Well, who do you think would win?

Er, I would go for Kate Middleton

because she has a longer reach and she went to uni in Scotland.

All right, how about this one?

Er, who would win in a fight between Mary Berry and...

Gordon Ramsay?

Again, I see no reason why they would fight,

they are both reasonable people.

You've never seen Gordon Ramsay, have you?

People are scum!

And that was thought for the day.

Someone's only nicked Mum's bench.

What?

Well, come and see for yourself.

Koji, you're in charge.

Nobody'd steal a bench, not even here.

Medium said someone once stole a traffic island.

A traffic island, yeah.

And the war memorial, someone did steal that.

And somebody stole the pier for the scrap metal.

It used to be much longer.

I don't believe it.

I'm so sorry, Auntie.

Some people, they'll steal anything that's not bolted down.

It was bolted down.

Isn't that it?

It's been vandalised!

Vandalised?

Well, someone's repainted it, that's vandalism.

Wasn't yellow your mum's favourite colour?

Well, yeah, but not that yellow.

She liked proper yellowy yellow.

It's actually a nicer view, you know,

it's not overlooking the car park.

The car park's what Mum liked.

She used to love sitting watching the mods and rockers

beating the crap out of one another.

It is... This has got Councillor Bone's mucky fingerprints

all over it. I'm gonna have words with her.

Think I know what those words are gonna be.

But it's got milk in it,

so surely cheese is good for bone density.

Yes, but not if it is applied externally.

Anyway, just... Why are you standing up?

My Fitbit told me to.

Now it's telling me to go for a walk.

Yes, you should do that.

DOOR OPENS

I never thought it'd still be here!

Same curtains, same lino.

Ha, same plastic lobster.

Go on, here y'are.

Ha!

Can I advise you not to take any selfies

once the proprietor returns?

That's fourth on the banned list

after humming, burping, and sticking up for Gwyneth Paltrow.

That's a new entry.

So who is the proprietor?

Well... DOOR OPENS

Whenever I sat on that bench,

I always felt Mum was there sitting next to me.

Now she's standing there shouting,

"Who's moved me sodding bench?!" I'm gonna...

Hello, stranger.

Uncle Dennis.

You're still here.

Katie Cupcake.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to show Rosa the old place.

I'm Rosa. Hello.

Rosa is the most important person in my life.

She your carer?

See, I told you, great sense of humour.

Guys used to ask, "Why on earth did you marry Kate?"

And I'd tell them, she's got this great sense of humour.

Rosa is my wife.

Why is she taking photos?

I'm sorry, your cafe is so cute, it's like a museum of the past.

What are you looking at?

It's like she's looking through me at something,

but there's nothing there. You'll be fine,

maybe just don't say anything else for a little while.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

No digas eso. You speak Spanish?

Evening classes. I'd already learned French and Italian,

and Spanish is just Italian with a lisp.

Rosa's your wife? Yeah.

She's a doctor of economics.

She speaks five languages, don't you, darling? Mm-hm.

My dive business means that we have to split our time

between the Seychelles and the Florida Keys,

and we are on a bit of a European tour.

Oh, is that right? Yeah.

So, how about you, Katie?

You still in that same little flat?

Er... yes.

And still unattached?

No, I'm engaged.

To Koji here.

He's a doctor.

Yeah, a proper one. Medical one.

And, er, we're getting married next summer, aren't we, darling?

Yes.

We are very much in love.

We are lovebirds.

Lovebirds. SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah.

Congratulate them, Dennis. Yeah!

Congratulations.

So, you're quite a bit older than him, then?

Yeah, he's 42. Rosa's 34.

So just under half your age.

Just over, actually. Under.

He always was crap at maths.

And everything else, you'll find.

Kate.

You cannot take part in my annual charity quiz tonight

unless you register your team members online.

And may I remind you...

Oh, hello, Dennis.

Rosa. You know each other?

Yeah, we kept in touch through LinkedIn.

It's a networking site for successful business people.

Talking of successful business people,

I've got a friend... I doubt that.

..big in the CBI, has an MBE,

and he might be interested in buying your little cafe.

"Caf". We don't use poncey French words here.

That's a little bit racist.

No, I think you'll find you can't be racist against the French.

Poor old Kate's in financial difficulties.

I could help you out, for old times' sake.

I'm quite cash-rich at the moment.

Yeah? Well, you can use it to sue however did your hair transplant.

Ha-ha, funny!

Yeah, where did they graft that from? Your arse crack?

Ha-ha-ha! Got me again!

Oh, come on, Katie, let me help.

You tell her, she might listen to her fiance.

Fiance?

Yes, we've fallen in love and we're getting married.

Oh, I see, you're marrying him so he can stay in the country.

Oh, right, got you.

It's a marriage of convenience.

No, it's a genuine romantic love match.

We have a very physical relationship,

don't we, darling?

Yes.

We are lovebirds.

Really?

Well, I was talking to a senior Home Office policymaker,

OBE KCB,

and he told me there's going to be a major crackdown on fake marriages.

So make sure you get your stories straight, lovebirds.

Oi, er, just a second, you.

You moved my mum's bench. What?

That's a bit below my pay grade, Kate.

But yes, Seagate is making space

for a brilliant new interactive information hub.

We cannot be out-hubbed by Clapton.

The plaque on the bench reads "Joan Abbott loved to sit here".

Not "Joan Abbott loved to sit over there

"next to the interactive information hub".

Well... And you can scrape off that disgusting yellow paint,

or know someone who will.

I mean, they don't have an OBE but they do have a blowtorch.

This town's been brown for too long.

Our rebranding consultant's presented us

with a vibrant themed palette of pink and yellow.

Focus groups associate pink and yellow with...

Rhubarb?

You know, Kate... Erm, a princess drowning in puss?

This attitude... Septic flamingos?

This attitude's why your cafe's failing.

It's not failing.

All my economic indicators are indicating,

er, an economic up-spike.

Ain't that right?

Hm?

Sorry, I'm still processing the princess drowning in puss.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, I'd better take this outside.

It's the National Trust about their stone circle.

They want me to put up a druid-proof fence.

Come on, you can tell me.

It's a marriage of convenience, yeah?

No, it isn't.

SPEAKS SPANISH

KOJI SPEAKS SPANISH

Does everyone here speak bloody Spanish, apart from me?

I'm surprised you didn't mention it,

seeing as we spend so much time together.

As it happens, I speak several languages,

but I didn't mention it

because I didn't want you to feel inferior, darling.

Inferior?

Now, now, let's not have a lovers' tiff.

No, this isn't a lovers' tiff. It feels like a lovers' tiff.

Well, that's perhaps because you called me inferior.

WATCH BEEPS Oh, we'd better head off.

I've booked Rosa a champagne helicopter flight along the coast.

Well, let's face it, Essex is best seen from 1,000 feet up.

Adios, amiga.

How about a goodbye kiss?

SHE LAUGHS

I should have listened to my mum.

She said you were a flash git.

Yeah.

At our wedding reception.

During her speech.

Her spontaneous speech.

I moved to Aberdeen for you,

which meant I wasn't here when she had her heart attack.

Are you still going on about that?

I put you before her.

You! SHE CHUCKLES

Can you believe that?

Well...

Yeah.

SPEAKS SPANISH

Adios, Katie.

Marrying you was the worst mistake I ever made!

And it's a very long list.

Why did you do it?

Well, I suppose he was a bit glamorous.

He was a North Sea diver...

Not marry Dennis, why did you say we were engaged?

Oh, that? Yes, that.

You only think of yourself.

I have to say, that is the stupidest thing I've seen you do.

And that includes glueing yourself to that submarine.

I'm having my meeting with immigration next week

and I don't want some stupid rumour

about some stupid marriage of convenience hanging over me.

Is your lawyer going with you?

No, she's in court, an assault charge.

Maybe she can get another lawyer to cover that.

No, she's in court on an assault charge.

She is very passionate about asylum issues.

But she shouldn't have hit the judge with his own gavel.

It'll be fine, it's only us and Dennis who know.

And Rosa. OK, us, Dennis and Rosa.

And Councillor Bone. Yeah, but...

And me. And me.

OK, OK, us, Dennis,

Rosa, Councillor Bone and you two, but that's...

Congrats on the wedding, you two!

Get out! OK.

Don't give me that face.

Anyway, you didn't have to go along with it.

Well... CLEARS THROAT

I didn't want to see you humiliated by that... that...

preening popinjay.

Oh, thanks, Koji.

Look, it'll be fine, we'll just stage an argument

and I'll split up with you.

For it to be believable, I should split up with you.

Really? I'm a doctor.

Yeah, a doctor in my cafe. I'm younger than you.

What's that got to do with anything?

A doctor would break up with a cafe owner.

All right, OK, OK, you can dump me.

And when will this splitting up happen?

Er... tonight?

After the charity quiz.

I'll just start a big sweary argument

over one of the questions.

Let's face it, that's gonna happen anyway.

All right, if pressed,

I'd say that Jeremy Clarkson would win in a fight with Greta Thunberg.

Really?

You're the first one to say that.

What Dennis said in Spanish earlier,

when he grinned,

that was about me, wasn't it?

What did he say? Well, erm...

OK, come on, Koji, you speak Spanish. What did he say?

You have to tell me. Why?

Cos we're engaged.

Come on, you know you're a terrible liar.

You should have thought of that

before you made me pretend that we have a very physical relationship.

I'm just curious, I won't be upset.

He said that...

..you had not aged well.

Well, he can talk.

His face is like a giant spray-painted testicle.

PHONE RINGS

Spence, are you...

Now, just breathe...

In and out.

That's it.

Why would you have to move out?

No, I'm not getting married. Where did you hear that?

What do you mean, everywhere?

The only where you know is your bedroom.

Oh, I'm sorry, Spence,

no, I didn't mean to trigger your self-loathing issues.

Good call, by the way.

Hm?

Not telling her what Dennis really said in Spanish.

Why did their marriage end?

Er, I'd say primarily it's because he was a bigamist.

She's not a great picker.

That is quite bad picking.

Yeah. Not as bad as the gay Mormon arsonist, but that's another story.

Who told you all this?

Well, don't listen to her, she's an idiot.

When did she become your girlfriend?

Oh, no, that's lovely.

Have you met her offline?

Right, I have one for you.

Who would win in a fight between Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua?

But they would fight, wouldn't they? I mean...

They're boxers. You really haven't got the hang of this, have you?

Right, let's go to her stupid charity quiz.

We've got a good chance of winning this year.

Our new signing here knows about medicine and science,

and you know a surprising amount

for someone who spent most of his school days down the pub.

But most importantly,

I've got photographs of Councillor Bone at a fancy dress party

dressed as Bob Marley.

And once again, congrats to the winners!

Second again.

By one point.

That's your fault, you moron.

Oh, I get it, this is us pretending to split up.

No, this is me saying you're a moron.

You're a doctor, you screwed up the medical question.

I thought she said oaty but apparently she said optic.

Her diction was really poor. We should appeal.

It's a bit late now, the cup's already been presented

to Councillor bloody Bone.

Let's not... And Dennis.

When did she rope him onto her team?

Oh, it was horrible.

When they went up to get it, I had to clap.

Well, very, very slowly.

Clapping is clapping.

Yeah, but what I think people will remember is the abuse.

Anyway, she cheats, she looks up the answers

on her phone when she goes to the toilet. Well...

Oh, come on.

She got the answer to who wrote Quiet Flows The Don.

She wouldn't know the answer

to who wrote The Diary Of Anne Frank.

Excuse me, doc.

I'm not on duty.

It's just I've got this boily thing in, well,

a bothersome place. See.

Oh, Jesus! Ew!

That is disgusting!

How did you manage to take that photo?

A selfie stick.

Should I email it to my GP? Only if you want to get arrested.

Doc. Please, I'm not working.

Come and talk to me tomorrow, eh?

Still annoyed about that music round.

I should have known that was Status Quo being played backwards

because it didn't really sound any different.

Hard luck, Katie.

One point.

I mean, it was so close.

I'm treating everyone to champers.

Who wants some? Free alcohol, what's not to like?

Katie?

I'll take that as a no.

So, Koji, to you and Kate.

Yes, to us.

It'll be great.

Winter evenings by the fire,

summer afternoons out in her garden.

Yes, I like her garden. She hasn't got a garden.

You've never been there, have you?

I should never have gone along with this ludicrous fiction.

Uncle Dennis, how about being the bigger man here and not...

Rubbing Katie's nose in it? Yes.

You all right, sweetheart?

Yes.

Well, I think we should probably be heading home.

How about I heat up that lasagne?

Fine. Oh, this is brilliant!

I could listen to this all day.

Katie, I love that you tried to impress me.

71 years old and still pretending to have boyfriends.

So you told Rosa in your secret Spanish

that I'd aged badly, did you? 'Ey?

Well, so have you,

and parading some arm candy and painting your face orange

isn't fooling anyone.

He didn't say you aged badly.

He said you were still attracted to him.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, that'll be the day. Ha!

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, very funny.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Oh, come on, Kate, this doesn't have to end badly.

Look, let me help financially with the cafe, hey?

Tart the old girl up, get her going again.

Come on, Katie Cupcake,

in the end you know you'll come round.

Step away from her.

Oh, look out! It's Dr Lo-o-ve!

I've met many men like you.

Kate may be grumpy and slightly strange,

but she's worth ten of you.

You are a controlling, preening bigamist.

Bigamist? Bigamo.

And you look ridiculous.

You are nothing but a masturbating monkey in trousers.

Also, by the bumps you have here and the uneven nature of your gait,

I'd get yourself checked out for Hargreaves dystopia.

It's rare but deadly because your organs eat themselves.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

I get a lot of jealousy.

Because I am successful,

I am married to a young, intelligent, cultured,

beautiful lady. SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

Que? Bigamo.

THEY ARGUE IN SPANISH

Masturbating monkey in trousers?

Lost something in translation? No, no.

It was good.

I'm gonna use it.

And, erm, Hargreaves dystopia?

Entirely made up.

I once convinced a Jehovah's Witness that he had Hopkinson's utopia.

DENNIS SHOUTING What are they saying?

SPEAKS SPANISH

She's saying cheating men never change.

SPEAKS SPANISH

I didn't catch that.

I think it was something about toxic masculinity.

What is this, the Costa Brava?

Now he's saying it's all lies.

She's saying, "You should know about lies."

Ow! And now she slapped him.

DENNIS SHOUTS

So...

I'm grumpy and strange, am I?

Grumpy and slightly strange.

Oh, OK, fair enough.

Now, listen, Koji, I appreciate your support

but don't ever stick up for me again.

Don't worry, I won't. And you never stick up for me.

I wasn't intending to. Glad to hear it.

Good, fine, so no-one's sticking up for anyone.

Don't think I've forgotten about you. 'Ey?

You lost us two points

in the 'objects from an unusual angle' round.

It looked like Eamonn Holmes.

It was a beach ball!

Well, yeah, but from an unusual angle.

Well, it wasn't even fully inflated.

My lawyers found out that someone has reported me

for working illegally. Surgery's closed.

Permanently.

But I wanted the doctor's advice about erectile dysfunction.

I think you'll find that that does not affect women.

I think you'll find it does.

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