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Katherine Abbot.

Please tell me your name.

No, no, Katherine Abbot.

Kath-er-ine Ab-bot.

Oh, Jesus. No, no, it's Ka...

No, no, my name's not Jesus.

I'm not Jesus. Oh, for...

Sodding seagulls are on the bins.

My old man used to nail one over the door as a warning.

But that's frowned upon nowadays, apparently.

- Can I interest you in another cup? - No, that's fine, thank you.

- There's still a drop left. - With respect, there isn't.

No, there is. Look, a tiny drop.

Oh, yeah, sorry, and there's me come out without my microscope.

- Go on, go crazy, have another cup. - Please, it's fine.

- But you... - The drink is fine,

I'm fine, thank you.

You work afternoons, then, do you?

No, I, er... I don't work.

Oh, so you're unemployed? And you're just gonna sit in my caff,

nursing one cup of tea all morning, the same as you did yesterday?

Well, you're gonna have to shift soon, I'm afraid.

- Why? - I need the table.

I'm expecting my mid-morning rush.

- There wasn't one yesterday. - Well, yesterday was windy.

My older customers don't like to come out when it's windy,

especially the tall, thin ones.

Anyway, look, you're gonna need to relocate, to the job centre, maybe.

There's no point because I can't work.

You can't work? Oh, have you got a medical condition, have you?

- One of them syndromes? - No. My problem isn't medical.

- I'm not allowed to work because... - You self-identify as a lazy person.

I'm an asylum seeker, OK?

Legally, I'm not allowed to work, and if they catch me working,

they'll reject my application and send me home.

- And why's going home a problem? - I'd get killed,

and I'd rather not be killed, call me a snowflake

Rain, hail and sleet,

and that's just walking from the van. Morning, Auntie.

Yeah, morning, handsome. Usual?

Er, no. Er, cup of tea and some toast.

Toast? What happened to your bacon roll?

Gone off bacon. I watched the wrong documentary.

- Oh. Was it "Inside the Abattoir"? - Mm.

The one where they secretly strapped

- a GoPro onto that pig? - Mm.

Poxy BBC vegan propaganda.

- Who's the new fella? - He's an asylum seeker.

He's snooty, and he's sarky, and he's out of here soon.

Yeah, you wouldn't want

customers cluttering up the place, would you (?)

All right? How we doing?

All right, thank you. Is he the mid-morning rush (?)

See? Snooty and sarky.

Doing some homework, eh? What you listening to?

- A podcast. - Oh, I love podcasts.

What's it about?

- Epidemiology. - And I love epidemiology.

I was listening to this thing yesterday

about how the plague wasn't spread by rats. It was marmots.

Also, you know that theory about how syphilis was brought to Europe

by conquistadors who'd been having sex with llamas?

Well, apparently, that is a myth.

- You surprise me. - Yeah, no.

It's just some story that got started by...

well, probably by people like me.

- What's your name? - Koji.

Ah, lovely to meet you, Koji.

People call me Medium.

- Why? - Oh, it's a long story.

- Kate says you're an asylum seeker. - Yes.

- Yeah, and he's living off our money. - Yes, all �37.75 a week of it.

Hang on, but that's just �5.55 a day.

What, that's for food, clothing...?

Toiletries, travel,

and the rest I blow on fast cars, crack, and hookers (!)

So you're actually banned from working,

and instead they give you 38 quid a week of our money?

Well, that's a stupid system.

What idiot thought that up?

I think it was the work of several idiots.

So you're interested in medical matters, then?

To the extent that I am a doctor, yes.

Oh, right. You hear that, Auntie?

Oh, do you want some of this?

No, I'm fine.

- How's the job going? - Yeah, it's all right.

We're waiting for the unicorns to dry.

We're renovating the old merry-go-round down on the pier,

we've got to reinforce all the animals

cos the kids are so heavy now, they keep breaking the horses.

Excuse me, do you have a toilet, please?

Well, of course we've got a toilet.

What sort of an establishment do you think this is?

We don't just stick our arse out the window.

It's up there.

- Bloody cheek. - Are you all right?

Well, there's four things in life I hate -

scroungers, foreigners, doctors, and posh people, and he's all four.

You do know I've never liked doctors.

- I do know that, Auntie, yeah. - Well, if it wasn't for doctors,

- my mum'd still be alive today. - Right. She would be 107.

Yeah, well, that's not the point.

What's his game?

Well, he obviously, you know, he didn't find the, er...

- What? - ..ambience appealing.

The first impression that any cafe needs...

Again, this is not a cafe. My mum didn't start a cafe.

It's a caff.

Cafes have websites and show the work of crap local artists,

and the menus are full of adjectives,

like "locally-harvested micro-greens".

- If it's lettuce, say lettuce. - Well...

Triple-cooked French fries. Get it right the first time, I say.

That was about the Frothy Coffee.

It's a new artisan coffee shop

that's opened up down by the harbour.

It's got Wi-Fi. And customers, it's got them.

She can't cope with change.

I can cope with change, provided it's not poncey.

So, you're a doctor, eh? Only I...

I'm going to stop you there because you're about to say,

"Only, I've got this thing," and I'm not allowed to work as a doctor.

I wasn't gonna say I've got this thing, actually.

I was gonna say I've got these things on my tongue.

Sort of little bumpy nodules.

Yeah, I think they might be viral warts,

or possibly cysts, or maybe even...

They are taste buds, OK? The bumps are your taste buds.

- Now, if you don't mind. - How can you be sure?

Because one in ten patients

are people who have just noticed their taste buds.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

Ere, Kate. You know those bumps I was telling you about?

Apparently they are my taste buds. How stupid am I?

Well, I'd say you're right up there with Prince Andrew.

Surprised I've still got taste buds, given how often I eat here.

Yeah, and I'm surprised you've still got teeth,

given how often you push your luck. Did you flush?

Of course, though your flush doesn't function properly.

It does function properly, you just have to surprise it.

You have to...

Yeah, no, very good point.

Oh, I couldn't agree more. Abso-bloody-lutely.

I know it was you.

Oh, Councillor Bone's just walked into the caff.

- Yeah, yeah, she is, isn't she? - The screen's not lit up.

Yeah, that was her.

She's saying my screen's not lit up. I don't know why.

You really crossed the line this time.

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

- Why don't you do that? Yeah, bye. - Finished your pretend phone call?

And give my love to Dougie.

No, no, no, no. OK. Yeah, bye. Bye-bye.

- Now... - Er, what was that?

Yeah, bye. Councillor Bone, what brings you here today?

- And they're off. - In the post this morning

I received a box with a pink ribbon around it.

Ooh! Was there something nice inside?

Inside the several layers of wrapping paper,

it had the heap of putrefying food matter that you had put in there.

Be very careful.

Do not label me as a wrongdoer without evidence

because this man here...

this man doing the Times crossword, the difficult one,

well, he is, in fact, a lawyer.

I think I can safely assume that the woman who sent me over 50 emails...

Unsatisfactorily-answered emails.

...about the rubbish collection getting streamlined

from weekly to fortnightly is...

Did the culprit send it first or second-class post?

Mm? Because if they sent it second, it would have time to really rot

and get very stinky indeed, wouldn't it? Was it stinky? Was it?

It was you. It's always you,

like at school with your ridiculous graffiti campaign

to derail my selection as Head Girl.

Well, I don't remember you being Head Girl.

- Well, I was. - I do remember the graffiti.

Oh, took them years to repaint that lighthouse.

I hear the fishermen still call it slapper rock.

Well, regarding your little delivery, you should know that

I have reported this hate crime to the police.

The police? The police. Oh, yeah, I remember.

Do you remember the police, Medium? We used to have 'em round here.

Blue uniforms, funny hats, sometimes caught criminals.

We legislators have had to make hard financial choices

as a result of external pressures,

like all the asylum seekers they've dumped in this town.

If you don't mind,

this fine gentleman here happens to be an asylum seeker.

As well as a lawyer, though he's not working at the moment.

And he happens to be one of my most... valued customers.

Erm, I'm very valued, yes.

You're heading for trouble, Kate Abbot.

Back in third form, Father Doherty was right.

- You are gonna end up in prison. - Oh, come on, he's a priest.

Which one of us is more likely to end up in prison?

And just so you don't get any ideas, you're not a valued customer.

- Morning. - Morning, darling. Usual?

Full English, double sausage, double bacon, black pudding.

- Hold anything green. - See? Immune to BBC propaganda.

He's never worried by a documentary.

He's never watched a documentary.

Er, Nick, this is Koji. He's a doctor.

Yeah, I know. You said in the text.

No, he's... confused. Do you want a hand with that crossword?

- It's the cryptic one. - I know. I finished it.

Oh. You finished it?

It's yesterday's, isn't it?

- 14 down's a bastard. - Please, do not give me any answers.

No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean the answer was "a bastard".

- I mean it was hard. - There's no clue. It's just numbers.

Three, three, three, one, four.

- Yeah. Tricky, eh? - So, is he gonna look at my elbow?

He's not, Nick, no, but please do tell me about

this interesting injury that you have sustained.

It hurts, sort of... here.

Mm. In my opinion, Nick,

- this is a cracked bone. - Tsk!

Most likely a hairline fracture of the ulna.

- A hairline fracture of the ulna? - Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is that not correct?

It's probably an inflammation of the bicep's tendon. Show me.

- Does this hurt? - Argh!

I'll take that as a yes.

Anabolic steroid abuse can cause tendon damage.

- Do you abuse steroids? - Oh, yeah.

I've always been tonk up top,

but I'm working on my quads to get proper tonk all over.

In the long run, you have the choice of

being proper tonk all over with liver damage,

or less tonk with a working liver.

Um...

I'm gonna have to go for proper tonk all over with the liver damage.

Evolution thanks you. Now, if you'll excuse me.

- So, Nick... how's your dad? - OK.

- How's the dog? - Yeah, fine.

How's that weird lump you were telling me about?

Holy Mother of God, do you not have

- doctors in this town? - We do, but there's a shortage.

It could take weeks to get a GP appointment.

I'll look at it on one condition - that you then leave me alone.

Just there, behind the knee.

Go to hospital as soon as possible or you will die.

- Die? - Mm-hm.

- That's a... that's a joke, right? - No. It's a DVT. A blood clot.

All right, er, I'll take you to A&E in my van. Is that all right, doc?

That will probably prevent him from dying, yes.

Come on, then. Come on, it's just round the corner.

Hey, hey, where're you going? Someone's gotta settle up for this.

- It would be a shame to waste that. - Yeah, it would.

But these things happen.

Yes, darling, what can I get you?

- Nice bacon roll? - Oh, no, thanks. I, um, I saw this...

A documentary, right.

- Egg sandwich? - Yes, please.

Right, sit yourself down.

- Morning. - You are busy today.

Well, word's obviously got out about

the high-quality, good old-fashioned food.

- Tea? - Thank you.

Right, and we're too busy for you to make it last all day.

- Excuse me, doctor. - Oi, I was here before you!

I was here before both of you.

I don't think so, Doreen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! This isn't parliament.

- What's going on? - He was pushing in.

I was not. I was merely saying to the doctor...

How does he know I'm a doctor?

- Don't look at me. Small town. - You saved Nick's life yesterday.

He said you told him his leg had an STD.

See, this rash is...

I'm not looking at your rash, or anyone's.

I'm not allowed to practice. Just go see your GPs.

Well, I've already been to see my GP.

They probably just want someone to listen to their troubles, you know.

GPs don't have time for that now. Come on, Doc,

- where's your sense of... - Stop calling me Doc.

I'm not your doctor. I'm not anyone's doctor.

I'm not anything. I'm barely a person!

All right, just, um... just leave the man alone.

I thought you medical lot took an oath to ease suffering.

My rash is quite sore.

Look, if I doled out advice to patients of other doctors,

I would be undermining my fellow physicians, and that would be

very unprofessional and totally unethical,

and I will not compromise on my ethics.

Full English. On the house... Doc.

So where is this rash?

So, basically, the swelling'll go down,

providing I don't put it in the oven any more?

- Correct. - Thank you, Doctor.

It's been a while since people called me that.

Sorry, I've lost the signal. Haven't you got any proper money?

You know, bits of paper with a picture of the Queen looking glum?

Probably cos her family's a nightmare.

Oh, I heard this brilliant doctor joke yesterday. Do you like jokes?

Yes, when they are of an adequate standard.

Oh, OK.

Um, right, well, guy goes to the doctor's.

He says, "Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth,"

and the doctor says, "Well, that's clearly a psychiatric issue.

"You need to go and see our psychiatrist, Doctor Jones,"

and the guy goes, "Yeah, I know. I've got an appointment with him."

And the doctor says, "Well, why'd you come into my room, then?"

And the guy goes, "Well, your light was on."

- Yes, that is quite amusing. - Thank you.

Though for it to be plausible, the lights would have to be off

in all the other rooms and the corridor.

Jeez, you're a tough crowd, Koji.

Well, I guess I should be thinking about heading back to the hostel.

So, um, what's it like there?

Well, it's a decaying building full of traumatised people.

Still, there are many worse off than us.

At least we have a roof over our heads, huh?

Well, 90% of a roof. It was 95%, but the tarpaulin blew away.

Oh, you've still not got 14 down.

Ah, it's just numbers. It's impossible.

Well, it's not cos I got it.

Right, so here's the deal.

I'm prepared to admit that

you marginally increased footfall in my caff this morning,

so, if you're prepared to give medical advice on a daily basis,

I'll give you free food and beverages, excluding hot chocolate.

I, er, need to consider all my options.

Options? You haven't...

Any chance of a cup of tea for a hardworking postal operative, Kate?

Course there is.

You give me �1.20, I'll hand you a cup of tea.

When your mum run this place,

she always gave the postman a cup of tea.

Yeah, well, there was only the one of you then.

The Frothy Coffee gave me a free macchiato.

Yeah, well the Frothy Coffee

can stick its macchiato up its arse-hiato.

No, I don't want faster broadband. Yes, I will let this donkey die.

And no, I don't want free delivery of a...

lobster, grape and port wine pizza?

Hold up. Medium, a real letter.

- Why do they call you Medium? - Oh, it's short for Medium Dan.

There were three Dans in my class at secondary school.

Big Dan, and he was big. Jesus.

He's in prison now. Little Dan, he had a hormone deficiency.

He's also in prison now. And me, so I was Medium Dan.

Yeah, after a while, the other two left.

Well, Big Dan was expelled for

throwing the Deputy Head onto the roof of the music hut.

So why didn't you just become Dan?

I dunno. Erm... Names just sort of stick sometimes, I guess.

This is a cease and desist letter from Councillor Bone's solicitor.

Just add that to my collection.

Come on, time's up, Doctor Silly Bollocks.

It's a term of affection.

Are you gonna accept my ludicrously generous offer?

I am prepared to countenance this arrangement,

but it must be unofficial. So, my rules are -

no-one calls me Doctor, no undressing,

and I'm definitely not looking at any urine samples.

Yeah, I don't know why Mr Mulholland brought that in.

I thought it was Lucozade.

Right, well, on that refined note, I'd better bounce.

Those giraffes won't varnish themselves.

All right, for God's sake, just tell me. 14 down.

- Are you sure? - Yes, I am sure.

Has not got a clue.

I know I haven't got a clue,

that's why I can't get it, because there is no clue.

And that's why the answer is "has, not, got, a, clue".

The Times has really gone downhill, eh?

Oh, I'll pick those tickets up for you, Auntie.

Er, yeah. Oh, they're in the name of "Mrs Oh Jesus".

Don't ask.

So, have we got a deal, then?

Surgery is not to be called surgery and will last for one hour.

- Three hours. - One hour.

Well, let's compromise on three hours.

- One hour. - Three hours.

- You won't wear me down. - You won't wear me down.

- OK, one and a half hours. - Three and a half hours.

- But you just said three. - Right, three it is. Shake on it.

How can I shake on it? This is a negotiation.

- You're taking bookings? - No.

- You're a doctor. - Yes.

Who's been struck off.

They like proper old-fashioned doctors,

who are irritable and slightly rude.

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