All language subtitles for Great Night Out s01e06.eng

Ta.

Thanks, babe.

4-3-3, that is how you beat United.
Attack them, they won't expect that.

Nah, defend for our lives then hit
them on the counter,

lone striker, who's our best player
for that, Daz?

Garibaldi. Is that that Italian
who's on loan from Telford?

That's Garofoli, you weapon.
Oh yeah.

You all right, Daz?
Um, yeah, yeah, never better.

Tomorrow is going to be the greatest
day of my life.

Eh, you'll got more spanked than an
MP in Soho,

it'll be a miracle if United don't
put at least ten goals past you.

But, eh, why don't you come here
to watch the massacre?

Nice and warm, you can have pint to
numb the pain.

Not the same as being there Warren
This is in HD.

I just watched Titanic is HD, I
thought I was on the frigging boat

and it was so clear, I've now got a
phobia of the other thingy.

What, Kate Winslet?
No, bloody icebergs.

If I see an iceberg now I shit me
bloody self.

Wahey, here he is, come on then,
let's see those golden tickets.

Right, there might be a slight
problem with that.

Go on. I'm being serious,
dog ate them.

You haven't got a dog. Tony's. I'm
looking after it and his house

while he's in Moscow on business.
It weren't my fault,

I left them on the counter, next
thing, Napoleon's chewing on them.

Please say that you are lying,
Glyn, please.

It might just be a case of, you
know, sticking them back together.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no don't
worry, we can still use these...

at a bloody wedding!

The biggest game in living memory
and we're not going.

Don't, I feel sick.

How many more times can I say I'm
sorry?

Hundred at least. One for every pint
you'll be buying to make up for this disaster.

All right then, boys, I suppose
you'll be watching the match in here after all, eh?

Don't worry, I'm gonna reserve this
table for you.

Ah, cheers, Warren.
No problem, young man.

Fiver entrance fee by the
way... each.

Uh, looking on the bright side, I um
I might be paying a tenner

to get in if tonight goes well.

You're dressed up, you're wearing
that shirt. What shirt?

That shirt.
Your date shirt.

The kind of shirt that says 'I'm so
comfortable in my masculinity,

I can wear something only seen before
on John Barrowman.

Go on then, who is she, how did meet
her?

Her name's Natalie and er, we met on
a dating website.

It's better than lucky dip in
Smokey's,

they find out how compatible you
are, we're 86%.

We both love Chinese, I'm gonna take
her to Mr Wong's.

Well, show us a photo.

She hasn't sent one.
Oooh.

Sod off! Just cos she hasn't put a
photo up

does not mean that she is a minger.
No, she might be spotty and ugly.

And what if she's a bloke?
A Chinese with an ugly, spotty bloke.

I'll phone Colleen for advice then,

ask her how she copes sitting across
a table from you?

Listen, Colleen loves me and I love
Colleen.

Which is why...

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

When did this happen?
The other night.

I was round her place watching the
telly, right,

and she comes in with a cup of tea
and guess what...

a garibaldi, they're me favourite.
My mam used to buy them whenever I needed cheering up.

Must have cost her a fortune.

Now here's Col offering me the same
thing, she loves, she gets me.

It's time, I'm gonna ask her this
weekend.

Right, County beat United, Toby
Carvery and Colleen says yes.

I can't believe it, what kind of
sicko likes Garibaldi biscuits?

Not you, you big ticket loser.

Come on!

Mr Wong, good to see you, mate.
You owe me two toilet rolls.

What? Ah, no, I didn't take your
toilet rolls, Mr Wong.

Quilted, floral pattern, one previous
owner, me.

Why would I steal your sodding bog
rolls? You tell me.

Is it Matthew?

Yes, I am definitely Matthew.
I'm Natalie.

I'm Matthew, I've just said that.

Erm... You can call me Beggsy.
Love that shirt.

Thank you.

I'm wearing a onesie.
Well, I can see that, Bev.

Colleen's not in. No, I know, I just
spoke to her before.

You shouldn't really be in here,
Daz, not when Col's out.

Where's her jewellery?
Are you stealing from her?

Why would I do that?
Gambling debts, kleptomania.

I will call the police, I could
recognise you in a line up.

I'm not stealing from her, I'm gonna
ask her to... marry me.

Ssh, you can't say anything, you've
got to keep this a secret.

No problem, Colleen entrusts me with
all her secrets,

I even know where she hides her
diary.

I want to surprise her, with a ring,

but I don't know her ring size, so
where does she keep her jewellery?

Second drawer.

So romantic, someone once surprised
me with an engagement ring.

A noble and handsome prince.

It was in a story I wrote, he saved
me from an ice dragon.

Do you wanna read it? Er... No, no,
maybe some other time, eh?

What ring you buying?
An engagement ring.

No, what cut, how many carats, what
colour gold?

What? Gold's gold, in't it?

There's white gold, yellow gold,
rose gold.

Which one would Colleen like?
I'm not sure.

But...

there might be something in her
diary.

Andy buggered off to Australia and I
was left bringing up Luca on my own.

You're kidding, my ex, Mandy, she
ran off to Australia.

You're joking.
It's like parallel lives.

Synchronicity. How old's Luca? Please
don't say 11.

That's the same as my Kelly.

Sod 86% compatibility, we're looking
at 100%.

Although I'm sure you'll find
something about me that you hate.

Haven't so far.
OK. All right then.

Let's see. I prefer red wine to
white. So do I.

I have to, have to, sleep on the
right hand side of the bed.

I'm a leftie.

OK, now this will do it.

I love football, and I'm not talking
just general bloke liking football,

it is an essential part of my life.

I'm going to the match tomorrow.

A-hah!
Are you?

No, long story, I've got a mate
who's an idiot.

Do you think we'll win?
I reckon we'll smash 'em.

Shut their gobby fans up good and
proper.

I just hope I look that good when
I'm 80.

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

Did you get all that? Yeah.
Oh, I'm watching this documentary.

The Boy With The Wrong Eyebrows.

Great Auntie Jean's hip's cleared up
so we're having her party tomorrow after all.

Esteban has got a rare genetic
disorder,

so the hairs grow too fast.

He can't ride a bike or..

Oh, tomorrow! Great Auntie Jean's
80th birthday party is tomorrow.

No, we're not going.

County play United tomorrow for the
first time in years.

Auntie Jean can sod right off with
her birthday party.

Hodge - I am not missing the match,
end of.

You don't have to, the party's
earlier.

Auntie Jean wants it done, everyone
gone,

so she can watch Colombo in the
afternoon. Selfish old bat.

Oi, you're going and you'll be
polite.

Fine, but I don't like her, she
looks down her nose at me.

Not any more, she's got curvature of
the spine.

I knew she didn't like that
Incredible Hulk biscuit barrel I bought her last Christmas.

There's nothing about gold, though.

Will you help me choose one?
You know, one that she likes.

A biscuit barrel?
An engagement ring.

Oh, what's in it for me?

You'd be allowed to the wedding?
Cats the musical.

What? Cats the musical, it's a
musical about Cats.

Buy me a ticket and I'll help you
choose the ring of Col's dreams.

I'm not buying you a ticket. Buy the
wrong ring, you'll break her heart.

All right, fine, fine.

Everything all right?
Oh, everything's fine, Colleen.

Everything's just fine.

Eh. I've got something for you.
Oh, aye?

Aha!

Well, he was giving you such a hard
time about it, what a knob. I know.

So, here we are.
Right, so...

Do you want to come in for a coffee
Yes, please.

You coming?

Yeah.

Hiya
How do, I'm Karl, Nat's Dad.

You must be Matthew.
Hiya, yeah.

Come in, come in, make yourself
comfy.

You're a United fan, then?
Yeah, we all are in this house, lad.

Cut us, we all bleed red.

Well, that is the colour of blood.
I know.

Do you mind if I just use your
toilet?

Come on.

Beggsy?

It's not you, it's Sir Alex.

These places are designed to rip you
off so follow my lead.

Hiya, we're looking for an
engagement ring.

Er... I'm getting married
We are, to each other.

Right, well, this selection is very
good for those on a budget.

Budget, are you saying my Daz is a
cheap skate? No, I -

Daz loves me. Tell her how you
proposed to me.

Oh, Tracy, you haven't lived till
you've heard this.

My name's not Tracy.

Er... It was... It was a party,
wasn't it, and that's about it, really.

No, it isn't. It was a toga party,
Daz went down on one knee

and, lo, he dropped my engagement
ring

into a glass of top of the range
champagne, not cava, champagne

and Coldplay was playing, four
lovely boys, we're inviting them to the wedding.

Your ring? Temporary ring, Haribo,
ended up swallowing it.

Which is why we want a good one
today.

Well, er, this is our medium price
range, there we go.

That's a nice one.
Isn't it?

I hate it.
What's wrong with it?

You buy me that, I won't actually go
through with the wedding.

Go and get the good ones.

Are you sure your boss won't mind us
being here?

He won't know, will he?

Ta da!
Isn't this nice, eh?

Hm? You want to close them gates
though,

you said your boss had enemies.
No, he's just paranoid.

Anyway we've got Napoleon to
protect us.

In't he the one that bit Beggsy on
the bum?

Yeah, but he's a changed dog, I've
trained him. Watch.

Napoleon, Cossacks.

Huh, see?

Now me and you have got a weekend of
romancing.

Apart from you nipping to the pub to
watch your precious football.

Yeah, you don't mind, do you?
No.

It'll give me time to prepare dinner,

because I am cooking us something
very special. Oh?

Eh, no peeking.

Eh, don't mind him, he just thinks
you're attacking me.

Rufus, Rufus behave.

Oh, she was that worried about the
leak, but I said 'Auntie Jean, Kath's Hodge is a plumber.

Why fork out money when he'll do it
as part of your present?'

You don't mind, do you, Hodge?
No, of course I don't.

Love working for nowt on me day off.

Oh!

Rufus!
You all right? He's all right.

Rufus, stop it or I'll call the
police.

What colour eye shadow is that,
Auntie Kath?

Pacific Blue, do you like it?
Nah, makes you look like Avatar.

Kath, she's like this all the time
now.

Like what? Least I'm not running
round like I've got mentals.

Molly thinks Rufus has ODD.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder, I
tell her, it's just high jinx, you were exactly the same at his age.

No I wasn't, I never set the shed on
fire.

Ow! You sod!
Rufus!

She shouts at him, instead of
talking and trying to establish

reasonable behaviour parameters.

Right. Even though she's mad at him,
she takes it out on me.

I know what she's like and you know
you can

always stay with me and your Uncle
Hodge any time, don't you?

Today?
Let it go, Rufus.

Let go of it, Rufus, I am not
messing this time.

Erm... Ask your mum.

So what if she was Man Utd,

hardly makes her a bad person, does
it? Debatable.

Oh, it's Man City fans you've got to
watch out for, they cheat at cards.

I think I'm just destined to be on
me own.

Well, you will be if you keep being
so picky, everyone's got faults.

Crewe Alex supporters, very poor
drivers.

I don't want to make another
mistake, another Mandy.

You'll lonely for the rest of your
days, then.

Aston Villa fans, don't pay their
tax.

Stockport fans, bloody idiots.

No, what you need is intervention,
assistance.

What you need is a fairy godmother.

Sheffield Wednesday fans, terrible
in bed.

I didn't think, I'd be paying so
much.

I got Tracy to give us a 5%
discount, and aren't I worth it?

Did you want the box for it?
No, we'll be fine.

Er, yes I want the box, I need the
box.

Right, hand it over. I thought you'd
be more grateful of my help.

I am, Bev, and I'll buy you tickets
for Cats.

You don't have to, if I can keep
this on a bit more.

Just for a bit longer, I like how it
looks, how it makes me feel.

No, it's Colleen's.
Not yet, it isn't.

I'm giving her it after football, at
Toby Carvery's before our pudding.

I'll keep it safe. It could fall out
of your pocket while you're celebrating a goal.

There's not much chance of that, is
there? Give me the ring.

No, else I'll tell Col you read her
diary. No, hang on, you mean you do.

Give me the ring, Beverley.

Our first row.

It'll just be Molly, just for the
weekend.

What about the football? You forfeit
that to spend time with your niece.

Wha-
I'm joking.

Come on, it'll be good for her, good
for us, too, see how we cope.

If we ever decide we do want kids.

Auntie Kath, Mum says OK.
Well, that's settled then.

Uncle Hodge can see the football and
we'll do something else,

if you don't want to watch it, too.
You're joking, football's pathetic. She's got a point.

So if I'm stopping at yours, can I
choose what we eat? Yeah, of course.

And what to drink?
Don't see why not.

Bacardi Breezers?
Ooh, maybe not Bacardi Breezers

Well we can discuss that and can I go
to bed when I want? We can discuss that.

I've decided.
Hm?

I don't want kids.

Right, just until I get back from the
match, then you give it right back, OK?

OK?

Now, quick, hide it.

This is turning into a habit.

You do know when you come to see me
I have to actually be in the house?

Bye, babe.

What's up, you been sniffing that
marker pen again?

You been to the centre?
Uh-huh.

Daz said he was going there.
I don't know what you're on about.

On about? I'm just say- Did you see
him?

No, and stop being so suspicious,
else you'll lose him.

You've got a good one there, Col.
Cherish him.

Come on!
Oh, we're having a right to-do.

He can't get his flap down.
Nightmare.

Too bloody right it is. Warren,
we'll only be able to see the top of their heads.

I'm doing my best, aren't I, you
gang of gobshites? Could you do better?

Shall I get a white sheet?
Get the cavalry if you want!

Linda, hurry up, the match starts in
20 minutes.

Daz, get up there and give him a
hand. TVs are your business, go on.

Go on, Daz, give it a good yank.

You tit head, do you know how much
that cost?

Aw, look, it's ripped in bloody
pieces.

Look at it, bloody Cinemascope!

What we gonna do now?

I couldn't find a sheet but I got me
white mac.

That wouldn't cover my arse.

Who's got the biggest telly?

No, you haven't, not this weekend,
anyway.

Piss off, no absolutely not.
Yeah, come on,

Tony's telly's massive and he's got
a pool.

And he's my boss and if he catches
people in the house,

I'm going to get killed, plus Julie
is there

slaving over a romantic dinner for
two people.

Oh, I see.
It's not gonna happen.

It is gonna happen, it is not up for
discussion,

you still owe us for losing the
tickets.

Fine, all right, but you're getting
kicked out as soon as he blows that final whistle.

How much of that did you hear?
Hear what?

Will you relax, Glyn, no-one
followed us.

Ooh, Julie, they look nice.

Glyn, this telly's massive
Wahey, game on!

I'm sorry, screen was bust in the
Nelson so...

This is supposed to be our weekend,
Glyn, you know our secret nest.

It still is, you know, it's only 90
minutes.

Well, more 105, actually, with half
time and then you've got injury time.

Just give me one second.

He remembers us.
Napoleon..out.

I knew it.

Hello, love, thanks for the invite.
What?

Haven't you done well, who'd have
thought chauffeuring would pay so well?

No, it's not my house, I'm just dog
sitting.

Wasn't your Jason arrested for that?
No, that were dogging.

What you playing at? Oh don't panic,
they've only just kicked off.

You can have your lager. I don't
want my lager, I want you lot to piss off.

That's typical of you. You get all
this bloody money,

the first thing you do is abandon
your bloody mates.

It's not my place!
Where's your social conscience?

Don't forget the little
man on your rise to the top.

Do you know what, you're getting on
my bloody nerves you, you're making me piss boil, go on, sod off!

Oh, eh, by the way, get us a bucket
of ice will you?

Napoleon!

He'll be fine in there, just come
and enjoy the game.

Tony's gonna kill me. Glyn, calm
down, dear, and repeat after me.

He is not going to find out.

But his girlfriend might.

Hiya, Zoe.
What's going on here?

Funny story, actually.
I'm gonna get everybody out.

Where's Tony? To quote the Beatles,
back in the USSR, at least, as far as I know.

Didn't you go with him?
Have you been to Moscow?

He's never been to Matlock.

Don't just stand there looking
gorgeous, get us a drink, game's on.

Come on, County!

Oh no.

Can we go to the pub after?
Yeah, why not?

We'll get some wine down the local
and then maybe go on to a late bar.

Really? No, not really, your mum
would flip like a gymnast.

Actually, I could murder a drink.

We might go to a beer garden, might,
and you can have crisps and pop.

I'm mature enough to drink.
Ha-hah! No, you're not.

Yes, I am.
No, you're not.

You all right, chuck?
Yeah, I'm just being silly.

I'm adding one and one together and
coming up with... Daz and Bev.

Daz and Bev?
I can't put my finger on it.

He's coming round when I'm not there
and then I walk in and him and Bev,

they both look guilty.

But I thought Daz hated Bev.
He does.

Well, there you go, then, nothing to
worry about.

Unless that's the perfect cover.

If I was cheating on someone and I
didn't want anybody else to know,

I'd say I hated him.

'And the referee...'

Well, we did all right, didn't we?

Glyn, we lost 5-1.

You two look good together.
Like William and Kate.

This is her fella's house, you reckon
I could compete with all this?

Giving up before you've started
again, I see. Typical Stockport fan.

That's it, everybody, do you talking
while you're walking.

You've had your Becks, shift your
kecks.

Aw, let them stay, I'm not arsed.
No, no, we've run out of booze.

Well, thank Jesus Mary and Mungo I
turned up.

Bev, what are you doing here?

You tagged a Facebook photo of you
and Hodge's arse celebrating a goal, and I just followed me nose.

Well, now you're here give me the
ring back.

Slow down, Mr Fox, I've only just
got here.

And I've got me party boots on.

Oi, Judy Finnegan, take our picture.

No.

I see you've found my secret stash.

Ha! So what else have you got hiding
away?

Oh, well, all sorts of goodies.

What exactly does your Tony do?
My head in.

Huh!

Looks like I'm about to pop my cork.

I wouldn't let your fella
hear you say that.

Russian roulette would be less
dangerous than messing with him.

Tony is possessive.

And violent.

You like excitement, then.

I guess I'm just not a takeaway in
front of re-runs of Bullseye kinda girl.

So what are you, then?

A trophy girlfriend losing her
shine.

No, you support County, you're not
all bad.

All that glitters is not gold.

Well, maybe you're not being looked
after properly.

Bev uploaded it up to Facebook five
minutes ago, title The Happy Couple.

Bloody hell!
They're at a party.

I'm sure there's a simple
explanation. Yeah, so what is it?

Get your coat Molly, we're going to a
party. Yes! Can I have a drink?

No.
Then I'm not going.

OK, you can have one sip of one drink
but I'm holding the glass.

It's Tony, turn the music off.

Where's the music coming from?

Tony, how's Moscow? Music?

What? Oh, that music, yeah, that's
your bloody neighbours, that is.

Yeah, I've told them. I said 'Can
you keep it down?' they don't -

Napoleon is champion, yeah,
he's fit as a butcher's...

Yeah, he's running around.
Aw, he's happy as Larry.

Erm... No, I'm looking at him now.

Tone, I'm just going into a tunnel,
I think I'm gonna..

No. No, no, no, no, no, noooo!

Napoleon's dead.

I think when you get to your
mid-30s, I don't know,

you just get used to being a bit fed
up.

You shouldn't, though. Look at you,
you're amazing.

Sometimes, I look in that mirror and
a drag queen looks back.

Do you want to get to 40 and have
regrets?

I don't, I'm not going to settle for
second best any more,

not after Mandy.

Maybe I'm not as brave as yous.

I don't believe that for a second.
Anyway, 40's a long way off.

You say the sweetest things.

Looks like I'm just a glass
half-empty kinda girl. Sad, innit?

I think I can sort that out
Oh yeah? Mm, I bet you could.

Oop!

Mm!
Mm.

How did this happen? Well, he's
killed himself, necked sleeping pills.

How many beers have you had? Dogs
don't kill themselves. Suicide note.

I've had enough of the way you treat
me, this is good bye.

What a drama queen. Er... Reality
check, dogs can't write. I've never seen one.

What we gonna do? Certainly can't
punctuate as good as that.

Oh my God, who's murdered this dog?
It wasn't murder, it wasn't suicide,

it's necked a load of those sleeping
tablets. Reads like suicide to me.

Dogs can't write. Animals are
clever, monkeys can fly space ships.

I can't bring a dog back to life,
can I? Can you do voodoo? No.

Then no you can't. We should bury
him, or did he want cremating?

Glyn, do you know if Mad Tony's got
any glace cherries? I'm making a cocktail.

Yeah, I'm a bit busy at the moment,
Warren.

Is it dead? No, Warren, we're
getting it ready to show at Crufts.

The dog ate these tablets, Warren.
It might just be in a coma.

Come on, boy, come on, fetch, fetch,
fetch!

Doesn't seem to want to know, does
it?

Eh, you stay away from the bright
lights, son, OK?

Glyn, about them cherries, if you
could get them down to me.

What's going on?
Where you been?

Trying to prepare a meal but when
you hear people screaming 'The dog's dead!'

curiosity gets the better of you.

Aw, poor thing.
Can you give a dog the kiss of life?

Give it the kiss of life, Glyn.
Go on, go on.

Oh, fu...

Look the party's over, so you can
just -

Where are they?
Who?

Daz and Bev.
Well, they're upstairs.

Hello, Daz, Bev. Great party.
Is that dog dead?

What kind of party is it?
An engagement party.

Happy couple? I've got three and a
half ex-boyfriends, I want them jealous.

Right, I've had enough of you, ring,
now.

It is your ring. No. Yeah, I mean,
you know, it's...

your ring.

Colleen...

will you do me the honour of
becoming my wife?

You are kidding me.
What?

It's been on her finger all day,

we're in some strangers bedroom,
there's a dead dog on the bed.

I know, I know, it's not exactly how
I planned -

So, can I have it back? I'll pay for
it. No.

It's mine, I chose it, it should be
mine.

Watch it, I think she's gonna do a
Gollum. Yep, told you.

Hi Tony, yeah. No, no, it wasn't a
tunnel.

You what? Eh, that's great you've
come back early.

Manchester airport, yep. No, not a
problem,

I'll be there as quick as I can.

Help me.

I'm dead. I say we do a runner.
Let's blame it on that Zoe.

Tony left me in charge. I've ruined
his house and killed his dog. What am I gonna do?

You could try tidying up.
Whoa, let's not lose our heads.

Call him, tell him the cars on the
blink, you'll pick him up later.

Yes, then that will give us a bit of
time to get everyone out

and tidy up and then bring the dog
back to life.

Just ring him, darling, cos you're
wasting time.

What have you done with Molly
Oh, Christ!

Molly, Molly, you in here?

What you doing in here, with her.

You are needed upstairs, the house
needs cleaning,

Daz has proposed but Bev swallowed
the ring, my niece is missing, the dog is dead.

But he's left a suicide note.

Did he just say the dog's left a
suicide note?

Bloody thing must have found mine.

Right. What? Don't worry, it were
ages back, when I were upset,

much more upsetter than usual.

Oh...

And er one other thing, most
relevant considering the er...

Tony's on his way back here.

Oh my God.

What's she had? She's been necking
anything she could get her hands on.

Lager, wine, anything.

So I offered to make her a special
cocktail, just for herself.

You did what? Rum, whisky, Tabasco,
milk, any crap I could get hold of.

It's an old landlords' trick for
underage drinkers.

She won't touch another drink for
four or five years.

I've done you a favour here.

You all right, sweetheart?

I don't think I like drinking,
Auntie Kath.

Yeah OK, no, no problem, Tony, all
right, bye.

He wants to know what's up with the
car, he's getting a taxi.

How long does that give us?
Half an hour.

Right, where does he keep the rubbish
bags? You are a beautiful woman.

There's no time for that now, Glyn,
we've got your balls to save.

Thank you.

You all right Bev?

You swallowed anything else,
necklaces, brooches, a car?

I'm sorry Col, I saw red but being
part of a couple, choosing a ring together, felt great.

Yeah, but think how much better it's
going to feel,

when you get to do that with your
own real boyfriend.

Do you think I'll get one?
Absolutely,

but you've got to stop acting like a
fruitcake around men.

I'll try, I'm gonna sit over there
by that stone frog.

You haven't even washed it. How far
down her gullet did it go?

I'll say this for Bev, she's got
good taste.

So, you do like it?

It's beautiful.

So, is that a yes?

What's brought this on, Daz?

Last week you were questioning the
longevity of our relationship

because I threw your tatty boxers
out.

Cos they were my lucky pair. They
had more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire.

And now you're proposing. What's
changed?

It's because I realised, that you're
the one.

I like what I like... I like you.

So what's your answer?

Oi! Can you give us a hand, he's in
a cab on his way back. You, out.

Right, this ain't gonna work, Glyn,
and you've got Napoleon's grave to dig.

Oh, you're right, I'll get on that
now.

Glyn, is this Mad Tony about six
foot, has a wild expression like this?

Yeah, that's him, why?
He just pulled up in a cab.

Oh shit! Shit he's here, OK, OK, OK,
OK.

He's just pulled up.
Out the back

Where's Beggsy? The last time I saw
him, he was in the hot tub with Zoe

What?!
Has Bev gone? Has Warren gone?

Is he still in there?
Just go!

Glyn, wait.

There's a crisp in your hair.

Good luck.

Tonyyyyyy!
Don't you Tony me.

Now what's wrong with the Lexus?
It won't start.

And the Audi?
Same.

What's going on, Glyn? It's nothing,
there's nothing going on.

Napoleon!

Where's Napoleon?

Tony -
Napoleon!

Tony, it's quite funny, actually.
Well, it's not but, Tony...

Napoleon's dead.

Dead... dead..happy to see you.

Aw, look, he's missed you, I've
missed you, have you missed him?

He's an alive dog, he is
not a dead dog, ooh!

Why would Napoleon be dead?

Eh, yeah well that's a good question
innit, why would Napoleon be dead?

It's not as if he's eaten sleeping
pills, fallen asleep, me thinking he's dead.

He wouldn't do that.
Rambling, am I rambling?

Are you OK, Glyn?
Yes. No. A bit light headed.

I hope the house is just how I left
it.

God, so do I.

So, why're you back early, Tone?
Financial director I was supposed to be meeting

fell out of ten storey window
yesterday

Uh... tragic.

That's Moscow. Well, you've looked
after this place, it seems.

Have I? I have. Everything's
just as you left it.

What's got into Napoleon?
Oh, just happy to be alive.

To see you! Happy to see you.

This is off one of MY champagne
bottles.

He's a bad dog.

That's it, Beggsy, take your time,
got all day.

You'll call me, won't you, if
there's any trouble? Promise, now go.

Only one bottle, Tone.
One bottle.

That's him, he's coming, get back,
back.

How do we get out of here?
You can't.

Hide, just hide.

Where?
Where?

Yeah, of course, I'm gonna replace
it, Tone.

OK.
OK, yeah.

That is it, I'm never watching the
football again.

Let's get the girls
and let's get out.

He's gone.

You all right, love? I was just
having a soak... with three blokes.

Lift your feet up lads, while you've
still got them.

We can explain everything, Tony.
Actually we can't.

I left my house in your care.
Just let them go, Tony.

Be quiet, I'll deal with you later.

But first I'm gonna demonstrate what
damage I can do to you with this weapon.

Yeah, well you'll have to get
through me first

OK.

And me.
All right.

And I'm getting some new mates.

What, you think I can't handle four?
I'm sure you can, but what about eight of us?

You'll have to get through us, as
well.

Get that off! Make us.

You're going down, you're going
right down like Chinatown.

Beryl, calm down.

Are there any more of you people in
here?

All right, Mad Tony? That's a lovely
downstairs toilet you've got, mate.

But I'd leave it for five minutes
before you visited it if I was you.

And, listen, take it easy on the
lads, will you?

They've had a really rough day
today. County got stuffed 5-1.

I was gonna watch the highlights,
I've been avoiding the score.

Are you a United fan
Yes, I am. Figures.

So, what's it gonna be, Tony?

Are you gonna let poor Glyn go, are
you gonna take all of us on?

You see, we're not like you, living
in your nice house,

behind your high walls, with all
your ill-gotten money

Erm... Except Hodge, he's a plumber.

We haven't got as much as you but
what we do have is each other.

We're a family, not through blood,
but a family nevertheless,

which means we stick together.
Yeah.

Leave everyone alone, you prat.
Molly, get back here now.

Honestly, mate, you're acting like
my little brother,

shouting, threatening, waving
weapons.

Have you been tested for personality
disorders and stuff?

Me, I'm fine, I'm normal.

Don't look normal, living in a house
full of weapons.

I reckon it points to underlying
fears and problems

probably stemming from an unhappy
childhood.

Did your dad not show enough love to
you when you were little?

You leave my dad out of this.

And get out, everybody get out!

Get out, get out, leave me alone.

Quick, quick, before he changes his
bloody mind.

Sorry about that, you know. I'm
gonna take you for a slap-up meal to apologise.

I don't think so, you've lost your
job.

Come on, I'll get us some nice fish
and chips, eh? Yeah.

It was really brave of you to
support Glyn back there, didn't know you had it in you.

He's a mate, in't he? What else could
I do?

You're not so bad, are you?

Which is why...

Ooh, baby, that's brilliant, that's
brilliant, thank you.

So what swayed it?

What's made you
realise that I am the one?

Er...

It was this.
A garibaldi biscuit?

Yeah, you gave it to me with a brew,
you know, a couple of days ago.

And you've kept it?
Yeah, this garibaldi told me...

that you know how I tick.

This garibaldi told me
that you're the one for me.

So it's a talking garibaldi biscuit.

Come on.

Come on, Beggsy, lad.
Plenty of fish in the hot tub.

Ah, can we get a hot tub?
Keep walking.

Beggsy!
What you doing?

He's kicked me out. Result, if that
is a result.

Yes, that is most definitely a
result.

Here.
What you doing?

Well, you're gonna have to stay at
mine now.

I'm dead messy.
I'm a good cleaner.

We hardly know each other. We'll
have to stay up late gabbing then, won't we?

Your mates will hate me. Nah, you
support County, it's all good.

Come on, son!

Do you like cats?
I'm more of a dog person.

Nobody's perfect.

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