All language subtitles for Great Night Out s01e04.eng

That's it. That's it. Right, just
take your time.

You got it.

Cheers for giving this my Mam,
Tonky. Nice one, Tonks. Yeah.

This is hurting my wrists. Won't be
the first time you've said that.

Are we in? OK, we're in. Yep, yep
that's it.

Glyn, you'll have to get in the
wardrobe. There's no room.

In you go, son.

I'm claustrophobic.

Very funny. I'm so proud you're
coming out the closet.

Don't kick the arse out of it, Daz.
Oh, hello.

Uncanny how you turn up once the
lifting is finished.

Er, no, because I've been finishing
your bathroom, bird-brain.

What, you finished it? Oh, yes,
looks mint.

Oh, so you contracted the work out.
Where is she? The telly's on.

She's not answering but the telly's
on. Oh, bollocks. I'm coming, Mrs B.

Argh! Argh!

Mam, are you in?

Is that you Beggsy, love? I'm
up here.

What are you doing up there? I forget
now but the bloody stepladder toppled over as I climbed up.

Been keeping busy though. Watch your
heads.

Coming down. Ooh.

A Christmas tree? Where's your
Christmas spirit?

In September? How long have you been
up there for, Pam?

Oh, must be the best part of four
hours now.

Four? What have I said to you about
having your phone with you in case of emergencies?

I've got it but I was waiting till
after six for my free calls.

Give me your purse now!

Hiya, Kath. Hiya. How you doing,
babe? I'm all right. How are you?

Inside The Camel's Head, that's what
the film's called? Yeah.

It's one of the finest examples to
emerge from the embryonic Kuwaiti film scene,

fusing dogma-style realism with
Bergmanesque existentialism.

Right. The futility of war told from
the perspective of a camel really.

War Horse with humps. I hope Glyn
don't get the hump.

It's all in Arabic. If he's with
you, he'll love it.

You love everything when you start
going out, even Hollyoaks. Two coffees. Oh, finally.

Do we look like Rupert and Supjit?

It's for them. I don't believe this.
We've been here ages.

I'll need a bloody haircut time we
get out of here.

Aw, look at the baby, Ju.

Kath and Julie. Anything else? Can I
have one of those, please?

That's his fifth today. I told you,
I've got no cash and cards on me. I'll pay you later.

Oh, only got your word for it. I
might never see you again.

Oh, bloody hell. Hands up, Warren.
I've been coming here 18 years,

what just to play the long game, to
wangle ten lousy pints out of you?

All right all right, keep your
testicles on.

How you doing with the quiz
questions, Glyn? What?

I'm doing quiz night this week.
Warren's paying me two pints.

People are saying the questions have
been too easy

so Glyn's gonna come up with some
harder ones.

I'm good at general knowledge. Yeah,
if the question's name the day that comes after Monday.

I'll look it up on the Internet.
Remember to switch the laptop on first.

At least Warren appreciates me. Oh,
here we go.

What you whingeing about now?
Nothing. I'm just saying

I could have died of suffocation in
that wardrobe and you laughed.

It is the best medicine. Why is the
joke always at my expense?

Because you are our Crystal Skull.

Don't tell him that. What's a
Crystal Skull?

I was at Daz's working on his
bathroom... You mean watching telly, eating Monster Munch.

And Indiana Jones came on, Raiders
of.

Classic, I love it. But Daz - he
doesn't.

He's a Temple of Doom, man. My
favourite's Last Crusade.

Which makes you Crystal Skull. Hang
about. Crystal Skull's the crap one.

Why do I have to be the crap one?
Deal with it.

Kath said Julie's taking you to the
cinema tonight to watch some foreign muck with subtitles.

Yeah, some art-house film. I'm not
looking forward to it, to be honest, but I best go.

I don't want her to think I'm thick.
What's it called?

Mm-mm. No.

Camel Toe? Inside The Camel's Head?

That's it. Yeah. Have you seen it?
Oh, yeah, it is brilliant.

Especially that bit when the pack of
dinosaurs eat the camel.

Oh, yeah, it's absolutely brilliant.
No, don't spoil it for me.

I'm going for a slash.

What a Crystal Skull.

Ow.

Hodge.

Yes, I arrive home a little bit
tipsy.

It's fine, darling. Have another
beer if you want.

And the football highlights are on.

I might just have a quick bath.

I love you.

Go and watch your footy.

Hodge, will you bring me up a glass
of wine once I'm in my bubbles, babe? Yes.

And some Doritos. Oh, yes.

And, um, can we try and make a baby
tonight?

We'd have far less money. The
holidays would have to stop. Mm.

I went to the baby shop... just to
see how much everything would cost

And?

Aren't they cute?

I know we'd agreed, said just us two
was perfection,

but I couldn't resist.

What do you think?

It's Daz. Yep?

You flooded my house. There is a
bathroom where the lounge used to be.

That's not my fault. Well, that's
funny because when I left my house this morning I had a bloody floor.

Do you want me to come over? In the
morning. I'm stopping at Col's...

The only women who'll stop off at
mine are mermaids. You're a muppet.

All right? Have you spoke to Bev?
She said you can only stay tonight.

Oh, what? Anyone would think she
owned the place. She does.

Let me talk to her.

He is very handy round the house.

He's a dab hand with the Dyson

and he will bring you breakfast in
bed...

every morning, won't you, Daz?

Also, Bev, I will get you a steal of
a deal for satellite telly.

All the movies. All the sports
channels.

Imagine. I like sport about as much
as I like him

That hurts me, Bev. When have I ever
shown you anything other than respect?

Let's see what you put on Facebook
the other week.

Hm.

Going round Col's. Hope Bev's not
there.

She's a stuck-up, boring know-it-all
and smells of cat food.

I put LOL after it though. I didn't
think you looked at my profile.

Yeah, she does. She likes looking at
the photos of you and Beggsy.

Got a thing for Beggsy, haven't you,
Bev?

God, you are so embarrassing. I
don't even know who Beggsy is.

Bev, I walked in on you kissing his
profile picture.

I wasn't kissing his picture. My
screen was dirty. I was cleaning it.

With your tongue? You see, if I
stayed here,

Beggsy would come round and visit me
all the time.

Do you think he'd like me? I think
he'd love you.

What was that weird made-up language
all about? Arabic.

Come on, Glyn. Is that for real?
Well, yeah.

Glyn? Glyn Thwaite.

Scott Woodhouse. How are you? I
haven't seen you since school.

Good, long time. Julie Liverman. Or
is it Julie Thwaite now?

No. God, no, we've just started.

But you never know, do you?

Did you see the film? What a load of
old -

Absolutely fantastic, talk about
masterpiece.

The allegory to the fallen in the
slow ringing of the bell.

Amazeballs. Uhh.

I thought there'd be dinosaurs in
it. I found it a bit chilling.

Did it not do your head in trying to
read the subtitles

and then see what the camel's head
was doing? No, I speak fluent Arabic.

You're joking? Really? I run my own
business and we're quite international.

Do you ever see those boys that used
to bully you, Glyn?

I wasn't bullied Beggsy, Daz, Paddy
Hodgkinson.

Absolute tossers. They're my mates.

We still drink at the Nelson. What,
through choice?

You should pop in, say hello. Yeah,
I might. I mean, I still live close.

Well, relatively close - Hale Barns.

You've done all right for yourself
then. Yeah, you and me both.

Yeah. Hm.

I can't believe we're doing this.

We're actually gonna make... Are you
OK?

Yep, I'm fine. Just you're not...

I know.

I think it's all that trouble with
Daz and...

Aw, he looks sleepy.

There's a first time for everything.

Maybe I should go down there and
have a word with him.

I don't think that's gonna work.

Oh.

Come on, let's make a baby.

Just think sexy thoughts.

OK.

OK. Sexy.

Are these new pillowcases?

Have you had breakfast? No. Let me
do you some eggs. I'm not hungry.

Why don't you do me some? Customers
get angry if I turn up late.

Who Daz? He won't mind.

Are you rushing off to avoid me? Why
would I do that?

Well... Last night?

I'm so not bothered about that.

I thought you might have gone off
me. Oh, don't be daft.

Right, well, we can have another go
tonight then, can't we?

Yeah.

Brilliant.

And now I have to go round and be
nice to his girlfriend's housemate,

who sounds like a right weirdo. I
tell you, having mates, total nightmare.

What? I forgot my keys. And I
thought forgetting your purse at the checkout

was a clever ruse to get out of
paying the bill. Here, use mine

So what is your professional
opinion?

Something's gone wrong.

What a brilliant assessment. Don't
look at me.

How do I know you'd not run a bath
and forgotten to turn it off?

Run a bath? I was watching telly,
eating my haddock and chips

and suddenly I'm in the bleeding
Poseidon adventure.

Oh, everything is always my fault.

You're going nowhere. Get it fixed.

Because until it is I have to stay
at Colleen's.

And you be nice to Bev because
that's the only reason she's letting me stay.

Are you pimping me out? Both of you.

Sort it.

Ohh.

Whoa, Daz. Daz!

I've found your haddock.

What if she asks me on a date? Oh,
it's a no-brainer. The answer's yes.

No, no, I have seen your updates.

I am not going with no weirdo who
smells of cats. Er, cat food.

Look, just agree to it and then
postpone.

As soon as Hodge has finished you'll
never have to see her again.

Hiya, Bev. We're here.

Hiya, Bev. I'm Beggsy.

Something wrong? Not at all.

Oh, my God.

She's been all day doing this.

I think she's planning on breaking
his ankles and keeping him in the cellar.

Blimey. You having a party?

Ha, ha. No, just a bit of afternoon
tea.

We often do this, don't we, Col?

Oh, we have a brew and a Jaffa Cake.

There's a plate of them there. Do
you like Jaffa Cakes, Beggsy?

Yeah. Oh, my God, so do I.

Oh, my God. Don't tell me - do you
like cats as well?

Er, they're...

Yeah, yeah, they're all right. Yes!
I love them too.

We are so going to get along.

Right. Who's for champagne?

How are you getting on with the
questions?

Just finding it hard to get on the
Internet on this phone.

Let me give you the start. What
slow, dim-witted, ugly animal,

whose name begins with the letter G,

can be found in its natural habitat,
the northwest of England?

Is it goat?

Yes, Glyn. Yeah, goat.

Can I get a small latte and whatever
Glyn wants?

Scott. A small latte and a kick up
the arse, eh?

Scott, is it? Yeah. Well, I'm afraid
we don't fart about with lattes in here.

What coffees do you have? Well, we
have Nescafe and Mellow birds.

I'll have an orange juice. Yes, I
had thought you might

I didn't expect to see you so soon.
I do zumba up at Heaton Manor. Yeah?

I've always been rubbish at
languages. Right.

I had to pass through so I thought
I'd drop in.

You work out much yourself?
Exercise? Yeah, all the time.

Yeah. On Xbox.

Tomorrow I'm having a 'me' day. It's
important to reward yourself.

You know, wax, facial, bit of
clothes shopping.

Do you want to come? I could bring
you up to speed on Kuwaiti cinema.

What exactly are you having waxed?
There you go.

Is that real? No, that is a bloody
hologram.

Of course it's real.

Oh, you mean proper orange.

My God, your class of mate's going
up in the world, isn't it, Glyn?

Poncy git.

Mmm. It's my own recipe.

Loads of sugar, loads of butter

and the secret ingredient - anger.

Anger?

Not love? No, anger. You need to get
the air into the mix.

I whisk and think about all the
things I get angry about -

animal cruelty, Bill Oddie,
lederhosen.

All helps my sponges.

Do you want another? Actually, I'm
all right with this one, thanks, Bev.

Have a little nibble on my special
cake?

I think you should, Beggsy. Have a
bite for Bev.

Oh. Cheers, Bev.

I wasn't looking forward to coming
round but...

you've really cheered me up.

I tell you what you need.

A massage. Get your top off.

What? Er, no, no. I mean, with my
Mum, she's um...

she getting forgetful. Does she
recognise you? Does she think John Major's prime minister?

No, she just forgets little things.
My ex-wife, her mum's got dementia.

Working at the hospital I see it with
the old dears all the time.

We've got so much in common. I work
at Glenfern, the old folks' home.

What that big posh one? We've just
had a Starbucks put in in the lounge.

Oh. You should bear us in mind if
things get worse.

Oh, I don't think things are that
serious really.

There's a lot of prejudice about
assisted living, it's the new racism.

But you shouldn't be scared.
Glenfern's basically just a really posh spa

for folk who are into Antiques
Roadshow.

I doubt I could afford a place like
that. Purse stings are tight.

I could get you a discount.

Er, I'll have a think about it.

Did you know recent research has
proved

that close physical contact helps
you to think?

Sorry?

Are they snogging? No, no.

It's salmon. Don't spit in the sink.

And can you put this back when
you've used it?

Are we going to the Nelson? Yeah.
No. I'm not sharing a bed when you're drunk.

I won't get drunk. You've had two
bottles of champagne, you've spat in the sink.

Take a chill pill, Col. Jeez.

Let him off the leash, girlfriend.
Let our lads go to the pub, mm?

Thank you, Beverley.

Excuse me, boys. Cheers, Warren.

Are you OK? Is it the weight thing?
Everyone gets fatter when they get older.

I am not getting fat. Is it your
hair?

Have any of you three had any
problems... downstairs?

Are you taking the piss? What? My
bloody bathroom crashed into my lounge.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Look, have you been... tired,

so tired that you and your wife,
your girlfriend, your boyfriend,

knew that there was an elephant in
the bedroom...

but there was a problem with its
trunk?

I'm talking about E-D.

Oh, I see.

E-D? Yeah. Ed? Who's Ed?

He's not talking about Ed. Clumsy
Ed, on the Swan's darts team?

He's not on about Ed. Eddie Jumpers,
works on the market? It's E-D.

It stands for erectile dysfunction.
He's having trouble getting a hard-on, you - Sssh!

Keep your voice down. Do you
understand? Yes.

So there's no elephant?

Did this happen last night? Right,
case solved then.

Brewer's droop. You had ten pints
last night.

No, I've never had that. First time
for everything. It wasn't brewer's droop.

I logged onto some porn sites today.

For medical reasons.

And? Not a sausage. You should've
been fixing my house not getting off on porn.

He wasn't getting off, that's his
point. Look, lads, you will not tell anybody about this, will you?

Vow of silence.

What if I can't get it working
again?

You can always get an injection.
What, in my arm?

No.

Get in.

Ssh.

Eh, Hodge started telling us, like,
scary stories.

Ssh. Don't wake Bev.

Oh. Ssh. Sorry, Bev!

Eh, just think, you could help me to
bed all the time if we lived together.

Are you coming to bed?

I'm just watching some telly.

The House of Lords? They're just
discussing... wind farms.

Oh. What?

I'm just thinking about... future
generations.

Snap.

Oh, baby.

Oh, Beggsy.

Colleen? Beggsy?

Arghhh!

You all right, Bev?

Sorry about last night.

You coming to pub quiz tonight up
the Nelson?

I hate pub quizzes. They make me
want to self-harm.

Beggsy's gonna be there.

Oh, did you say pub quizzes? Mm. I
thought you said pub shwizzes.

Oh, I love pub quizzes, me. Better
go pick out some nice pants.

You've done it again, haven't you?
What? You've not put this away.

It's not normal what you do with
this. Colleen, it's a hairdryer. I dry hair with it

I know. I've seen.

There you go, love. Er...

call me picky but I actually prefer
mine a bit crispier.

Oh, sorry. I must have forgotten to
put the grill on. Give it here.

Er, Mam, just hang on a sec.

Will you sit down?

I'm getting worried. Why? What
about?

You're forgetting things. Leaving
teabags in the mug, forgetting to switch the grill on.

Everyone forgets things. Not as
often as you do. You think I'm losing my marbles?

No, I just... I want you to be safe.

You remember the chip-pan fire? No.

Course I bloody remember. I'm fine.

I suppose I'm just... daydreaming.

Well...

I'm here for you and if your
daydreaming gets any worse,

I've been talking to a friend who
works at Glenfern.

Glenfern? The old folks' home?

There's a lot of prejudice about
assisted living, it's actually racist,

but that place, it's got its own
Starbucks. It's Colditz with bingo.

I'm not going in a home. I'm in the
prime of my life, you cheeky sod.

Go on, get to work. You're not
having bacon, hot or cold.

So relaxing, innit? Yeah.

Uhh! Sorry, my feet are a bit
ticklish.

Oh!

Sorry, love. Same thing happened
when I went to the chiropodist

Verruca.

Same thing as last time, Jai Poh.

Body hair.

So last century.

I'll just have a number eight,
please.

When we left school... Ahh... I knew
I was destined for better things than...

hanging round the Nelson all my
life.

Ohhh. So I started to visualise.
It's like a meditation...

Yeah, down a bit... or praying. It's
dead spiritual.

Noel Edmunds does it. Yep.

You visualise what you want from
life,

where you want to be, how you want
to get it...

and if you're serious about it...
Yes.

It comes to you.

It came to me.

Where do you want to be, Glyn? The
pub.

All right, lads?

What?

Sorry, we were expecting Glyn. Ah,
funny.

Yeah, I just thought I'd mash it up
a bit.

A woman appreciates a man who takes
care of himself.

Yeah. So do certain fellas. You're
not wearing socks.

You don't wear socks with
espadrilles. Your feet must stink.

Is that a handbag?

Got you a pint over here. Two white
wine spritzers, please.

The girls on the way, are they? No.

No?

Anyway, um, back to the reason that
I've invited you here.

My marriage could well be over.

I've told you, just take the blue
tablet. Don't want to.

I want to get my lead back
naturally. I'd introduce something new into our love-life

but, Kath and me, we've done
everything. Everything?

All the positions? Everything. Role
playing.

Everything. Spanking, food, on a
beach. All three at once, actually.

Picnic at Blackpool - got out of
hand.

There's nothing left. Nah, nah.
There's always something.

Here.

Unusual sexy stuff

to get you... going.

Let's download that.

Whoa. Yeah, I don't think that you
should try any of this.

Why, what have you found?

Oh, no, that's just a waste of a
perfectly good Toblerone, that.

Ooh!

He's really going at that, in't he?
How fat is she?

Daz, it's a pig.

Put me right off bacon, that has.
Ah, all right, gentlemen?

Scott Woodhouse. Glyn didn't tell us
you'd had a sex change.

Hey, don't speak to my mate like
that.

Oh, it's OK, Glyn. It's
understandable.

Hodge is upset... given his
situation.

Situation? Yeah, your little friend.

I'm sure it's only temporary. You've
told him. Yeah, well, he's my mate.

He's not my mate and you won't be
any longer if you keep on blabbing.

I'm fretting! At least he doesn't
keep taking the mick out of me.

Well, if you don't like us and you
think you've got a better class of mate, feel free to piss right off.

Is that what you want?

Fine. Come on, Scott. See you.

Well done. No, he'll come round.

What do you want? Don't shoot the
messenger. This is off Tonky.

What is it? A large rum with a dash
of Campari in.

Says it helps to stoke the fire down
below

in the old... basement
Works every time, mate.

Vow of silence.

No hard feelings, Hodgey, lad.

No... I'm...

No hard...

'Hurry up, Bev, we're gonna be
late.'

All right, I'll do my lippy on the
way.

We're only going to the quiz at the
Nelson. We're not going the Oscars.

What, this old thing?

Which lipstick? Classic Coral or
Cherry Lust?

Er...

Listen, Bev, about Beggsy.

You know, all this business with his
ex-wife, his daughter moving abroad.

I just don't think that he's ready
to start dating again just yet.

Do you understand?

Totally. He needs a good push,
doesn't he?

Cherry Lust.

What's our team name? How about
Beggs and Bev?

There's four of us. Your names don't
begin with B.

I'll put Beggs and Bev and buddies.

He looks a right knob. It's a
brewery initiative

to sell more chicken-flavoured
crisps. Cos that's gonna work!

They're free, love. Oh, send him
over

Mam's still not answering. You can't
worry about your mum all the time.

Maybe you need to let her reach rock
bottom - have a fall, break her hip,

lying in a puddle of her own
discomfort for hours - then she'll have to go in a home.

I'm worried my dress goes
see-through in these lights.

Does it?

I think I'm going to go and check on
my mam. Be about 20 minutes.

Bit of a mummy's boy, in't he?
Bloody hell.

Ladies and gentlemen, hope you've
got plenty of drinks in as we come to the highlight of the evening -

it's the quiz night, ladies and
gentlemen.

It's a rollover tonight from last
month

and the prize tonight is... And wait
for it.

�30 worth of pop vouchers!

So let's hear it, please, as he
makes it to the stage,

Stockport's answer to Bamber
Gascoigne,

the one and the only

Glyn Thwaite!

Come on, let's hear it for Glyn!

Good lad, Glyn. Good lad, Glyn.

Shall we sit with you? Glyn says you
can't.

Says Daz, Beggs, your Hodge, dead to
him. Oh. I'll see you later then.

Two, two, two.

Hiya.

White wine. Thank you.

Look at them all, driving themselves
mad to try and win 30 quid.

�30 is a lot of money round here,
you know. You're not in Hale Barns now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Julie.

Hodge, about your little problem.

Not with Kath here. I'm not gonna
say anything, am I?

But when you got upset, I went
online, didn't I? Here.

Got some information for you.

Frequently asked questions
about impotence.

You printed these off for me? Of
course I did. You're not just a punter to me. You're my pal.

Thanks, Warren. It's all right. And
it says there alcohol is not always the reason for a Mr Softy.

So you can have a few jars whenever
you want.

You're all heart, you, in't you?

What was that about? What?

Nothing, it's fine.

What team name shall I put? You can
talk to me about anything. You know that, don't you?

That won't fit in the box.

Right.

Mam, are you in there? You're not in
the loft again, are you?

Mam! Mam?

I'm here, I'm here!

I'm fine.

Where's your skirt?

Did you forget to put it on? Oh,
Matthew.

Mam, listen to me.

I think you need to see someone.

I am seeing someone.

Eh?

Tonky? Wh...

What's he doing up here? Well, I've
not finished with him yet.

Sorry, mate.

I was gonna tell you but...

Whoa.

Question six. Galileo was an Italian
physicist,

mathematician, astronomer and
philosopher

who played a major role in the
scientific revolution.

What colour were Galileo's eyes?

Oh, come on.
What are you playing at?

You told me to make them hard.

That's degrading to chickens, that.

Is this Beggsy's phone? Yeah, he
must have left it.

Sod it, I'm cheating. Keep a look
out.

Glyn says you helped him with the
questions. Mm.

That's very good of you. I didn't
think this was your scene.

Well, I'm not complaining about the
company right now.

Is that from Inside The Camel's
Head,

the bit just before he sees the
couple having sex?

Making love.

He's tender but powerful.

I can't stop thinking about you. But
you're Glyn's friend.

I'd rather be your friend. That is
so wrong. No, it's so right.

Julie look around you, look.

This is Glyn's life. This is what
you've got to look forward to.

Yeah, well, it's not so bad. Question
seven.

Name five flavours of crisps no
longer in circulation.

How long? About five weeks.

So roughly the same amount of time

that you've been forgetting things.

Daydreaming. Oh, yeah.

You were daydreaming - about him. I
knew you'd be like this, that's why we didn't tell you.

He's closer to my age than yours.
You ask him out then.

First you think I've got dementia.
You can see I'm fine and you're still not happy.

Your mother has needs. I don't need
to know about that.

I thought I'd kissed goodbye to my
drive.

But let's just say I'm a tap and
Tonky's turned it back on again.

Full blast.

Tonky's a nice fella, Matthew.

We rub along. Right.

I don't need to know about rubbing.

Believe me, son, your Mam forgets
nothing.

She knows where everything goes.

God.

Settle down, please, everyone.

Question twelve and it's your music
question.

The song Fly Me To The Moon

was famously sung by Frank Sinatra.

How far is it from the Earth to the
Moon?

How is that a music question? Shut
it, Daz, or I'll disqualify you.

Listen - Glyn, he's a nice enough
bloke

but, come on, he thought there'd be
dinosaurs in a film about the Iraq war.

Sorry, just let me get this
straight.

You went to the effort of befriending
Glyn again just so you could get close to me?

Yeah. Wow. Er... I don't know what to
say.

Glyn, Glyn.

Could you just er... give me a minute,
please?

You take as long as you need,
sweetheart. Right.

Here. Here's some proper bloody
questions

which you can answer without having
to be a crisp bloody addict or Stephen bloody Hawking.

Get back up there quick, soft arse.
Hurry up, they're waiting.

Are you all right, Julie? Yeah, I'm
fine. Is that Scott bothering you?

Don't worry about it Daz, eh? It's
all under control.

One double whisky, please, Warren.

This has to be the worst day of my
life.

Pervert! I know your dirty secrets.
I've seen what you've looked at.

Eh? I looked up the answers and it
was open on some videos.

I will never eat another Toblerone
again.

No. No, no, no, no. I was trying to
help out Hodge find out about his -

I could never be with a man

who has that sort of relationship
with confectionery.

You know what, you're absolutely
right?

It's a problem that I've got. I
can't even look at a Curly Wurly

and, to be honest with you, Bev,

I don't think I could be left alone
with one of your cupcakes.

Uhh! I don't want to know.

Ha-ha!

Same again, please, Warren. My day
just got a whole lot better.

And your next question.

I am a 36-year-old male who has
erectile dysfunction.

What could be causing it?

Warren, are you sure
about these questions?

I got them off the web. Just get on
with it.

And your next question.

Can impotence be caused... by wearing
tight underwear?

Arh.

What's going on, love?

I don't want to talk about it.

OK.

Would it help if I ask the questions
and you just nod or shake your head?

Is there a problem with our mutual
friend?

He doesn't want to come out to play,
does he?

Is it, by any chance, because we
talked about having a baby?

Really?

Oh, babe.

Would it help if I said we can put
this whole baby thing on hold?

And gave you a big wet kiss?

And we'll have all the answers after
the interval, folks?

What are you sat with them? At least
we're not trying to pull her.

Yeah, Scott's been cracking onto
her.

I know what this is.

Just another bloody wind up, eh?

You know, you lot, you're just
jealous.

Jealous? What, cos you're hanging
around with that prick?

You see, I'm above it all. But
dragging Julie into it is bang out of order.

Scott, can I have a word, please,
outside? Yeah, of course.

Mate, we are not lying.

How low are you gonna sink?

Scott's right about you lot. You're
just bullies.

And I'm your Crystal Skull. We only
take the piss cos it's banter.

It's what we do. It's not cos we
hate you. We look out for each other.

We don't. We do. I pretended to
fancy a girl who stunk of Whiskas for him.

Right, so let me get this straight,
you were using Glyn to get to me.

Yeah. Right. I mean...

why else would
I be mates with that idiot?

He's nice enough but, come on, he
thought that zumba was a language.

Well, I just don't think I could be
with someone

who treated their mates like that.

Well... he's not my mate.

Yeah, it's harsh,
but the ends justify the means.

One day we're gonna look back on
this and we are gonna laugh.

I wouldn't hurt him. I'm not sure
someone with three brain cells is capable of pain.

Can we have a
drink to think about it inside? Yeah.

You all right, Glyn?

What...

What... what...

What's going on?

Really?

Ladies and gents, while you enjoy
Warren's overly salted chips,

here is a bonus question for you.

Which poncy prick,

usually found in the leafier suburbs
of south Manchester,

would have a crack at his mate's
girlfriend?

- He ain't my mate.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

He is not worth it. You can have a
go but I do boxing twice a week.

So do I. On an Xbox? Still boxing.

Normally I wouldn't be seen dead in
a place like this with losers like you.

You cheeky bleeder.

Actually, forget what I said, he's
totally worth it.

You got a fair old left hook on you,
Glyn, mate. Whoa, wait. He's not done yet.

Weh-hey. There we go.

In you go. Come on, buddy.

Take him to Glasgow. It's his stag
do.

That's his wallet. Take whatever you
want out of there. Right.

See you, Scott. You slimy bastard.

See you.

I don't think it's broken. Yeah,
well, my heart might be.

You don't think I'd choose him over
you, do you?

You know those Indiana Jones films
that you really like?

Um, well, doesn't the girl always get
a kiss at the end?

Usually. Apart from Last Crusade
when she turns out to be a Nazi and then dies.

Oh, come here.

Whoo. She'll do anything for those
quiz answers, won't she?

Right, who's after a round of drinks
courtesy of Scott?

Can't. Sorry. Where you going? Home.

Something's come up.

Go on, my son!

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