All language subtitles for Great Night Out s01e02.eng

Now you behave yourself
tonight, Mrs Walsh.

I don't want to come in here
tomorrow and hear that you've been out pole dancing again.

Off out yourself tonight, Matthew?
I certainly am.

That Pippa Middleton wants to pick
me up round the back of Urology,

take me down town for a night
fantastic.

She is banging at Stockport, Pippa.
Loves it up here.

Don't make me laugh.
I'll burst my stitches.

Had to blow her out, though. Big
night out tonight, with the lads.

My mate Glyn's just got a new job
so we're out celebrating.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.
None of us would.

What do you mean you're not coming?

Just shut up and listen for a
second.

She goes, 'I don't want you going
out tonight. I wanna sit in and watch a DVD.'

Kath said that?
'No, listen!'

No ke-chi! Because I was like,

'Who's the bloke in this marriage?
Who wears the trousers?

You are not putting my balls in your
knock-off Mulberry handbag.

I am going out with the boys tonight
to celebrate Glyn getting a job and you can either like it or lump it!'

And I said, 'Frankly, that's no way
to speak to your wife... Bernard.'

Bernard?
Speak to you later, Beggsy.

Wow!

Wish I was going out with you
tonight.

No, you don't. Donna's Mick's been
having it off with that slapper from the tanning salon.

You never told me. Which one?
The orange one.

They're both orange. We might broach
the subject with her tonight.

Can't you just ring her and tell
her? Oh yeah, great idea!

Or I could just text her, 'Hiya,
love, your Mick's shagging tango Tina - surprised face!'

Fair point. Why do you lie
to your mates and say I stop you from going out?

Just... keeps them on their toes.

Is it also because you're a bit of
an idiot?

Now I want you to wrap up warm. I'll
die if you get that man flu again.

Haven't got any clean jumpers
What about that cardigan I got you?

Cardigan...

it's got a hole in it.

Pin prick - which is why it was such
a bargain.

It's designer Hodge, designer.
You'll turn heads in that. Yeah.

Actually, love, I'm still not
exactly sure where it is.

Well, surprise surprise. I found it.

It was upstairs in the spare room
underneath the Scalextric.

Shall I get it?
I'll get it. I'm getting it.

Get in quick, will you?
We've got to pick up Daz.

Is this a company car?
You jammy bastard, Glyn!

Yeah, brilliant.
Can you just get in?

No! Hang on, hang on.
There's a button for that.

Where's the button? No fear,
I'll do a Dukes Of Hazzard

No, Beggsy,
I've got leather upholstery. Do not do a Dukes Of Hazzard.

Wait, I've got leather
upholstery! Don't, Beggsy!

Whoo! Here it is.

Drive on.

Beggs, Glyn, you all right?
Yeah, we are, mate.

Oi, Scott and Bailey.
Is he with you?

He's been up there for hours.
He only came to mend my dish.

Yeah, it's OK, mate.
We'll get him down.

Daz, come on down, mate. We're gonna
go to the pub.

Glyn has got a new job.
Check out his cheap suit.

He's blocking my signal.

I like it up here. It's tranquil.

Yeah, it's tranquil down here, mate.

No no. Down there's where all the
problems are.

You got war, famine, Colleen...

My wife's got a plastic ankle!

Said I had to take me toothbrush.
It was cluttering up her shelf.

It's the end of an era.
Oi, pack that in.

Waahh!
Daz, just look at these lovely kids.

You're depriving them of their
favourite telly.

Oi, kids what would you like to be
watching?

Jeremy Kyle. My
Uncle's on it this week.

Shut up.

Over here! Over here!

Hey, look, look, look, look...
Here he comes.

Oh, my God.

All right, lads?
What's with the car, Glynny?

Sorry, would you say that again?

I said this car, it's -
Nah, nah, mate. Can't hear you.

I said, where d'you get this car?!

Sorry mate, we can't hear a thing
over that cardigan.

You're funny buggers, aren't you?
This is designer.

Kath bought me this.
Has it? It's Tommy Hilfiger.

Has it? Oh, it has. It's
actually got a belt. It's got a belt.

Get in, Big Bird!

Come on, Hodge!

Woah!
Come on, stop messing about. Get in!

- Try again!
- Whoaa!

Oh, Christ...

Ah-woo!

Get in! Dickhead!

You're a child.

Mam?

What's up? Stay calm. I'm coming
straight round.

You should have
phoned the fire brigade!

Oh, I didn't like to bother 'em.
Don't go back to it.

That's fireworks, you pleb! Next
time, make do with oven chips, eh?

Oh, yeah. They're on
offer at Morrisons.

Which ones? Crinkle cut. Oh no.
I don't like crinkle cut chips.

Me neither, all them sharp edges.

No, it's nice, the ketchup
sticks in the little ridges.

Is anyone gonna give me a hand?
You're doing it all wrong.

You've got to strike it more from
the side.

No, your wrist action's all wrong.

Do you think all the chips will be
burnt?

Oh, I don't know, love,
there's plenty there, you hungry?

I wouldn't say no. Hey, Beggs, see
if you can save me some chips, mate.

Ah! There we go, all done.

It's my fault. I should have kept an
eye on them

but me and Beryl were on the
facebooks.

I was just checking to see if my
Alan had got his socks and his family-sized Galaxy I sent him.

He's in Afghanistan.
Fighting the Taliban.

You can't get Galaxy there.
Or socks.

Have you got clean socks on Matthew?
Oh, Mam...

What, you might meet someone
tonight?!

No need to worry yourself
about that Mrs B.

I keep telling him,
it's time he moved on. He's been divorced a year now.

Right see you later, Mam.
What what about my chips? Get out.

Oh, is this your new car, then, Glyn?
Yeah, well, my boss's yeah.

Is it German? It's Japanese.
Yeah, it's got heated seats.

Very inventive the Japanese, heated
seats, sushi... The atom bomb.

I don't think that was them, Beryl.

Mam checking that
you had clean socks on!

You lose 10 man points
for that, Beggsy boy!

Man points? I just ran into a
burning room and put out a fire!

Bit of an exaggeration.
Tell you what I'll dock you five.

If you care about them, Hodge,
have all my points!

You can take all mine, an' all.
You can't - it messes up the system.

What, the system you invented in
1989?

Give it up, will you? You're the only
one who thought it was any good.

Glynny, you love the points,
don't you? The what?

I'm just saying that you love the
points system.

To be honest, mate,
I've never understood it. What?

It's easy.
It's just points and numbers.

Like Sudoku.
No! Oh, forget it.

Aw, he's putting his pencil away!
Just forget it!

Aww, aww - whoooo!

Careful lads! No, no!

Easy, easy.

Yeah. Clever! We're never going
to get to the pub like that, are we?

Just children...

Nice car, mate. I'd hate
to see it scratched down the side.

From there to... say there.

Fortunately, we offer a comprehensive
car protection service.

How much?
20. 10. 20.

15. 20.

Have you heard of negotiating?
Yeah.

Give us 25 and we'll make
sure your tyres don't get slashed.

All right.

Oh, here they are, the poor man's
Take That.

What will it be, ladies, Mojitas
Hello, Warren.

I er... I can't turn the brightness
down on this!

Carline, how do you turn the
brightness down on this?!

Very droll! Whose round is it?

It's yours, cos you didn't get one
in last week.

No, actually, I will get
the first round, lads.

- You lot have subbed me.
- Ooooh

Four pints of your
usual ditch water, please!

Right, I'm gonna play some tunes.
Daz, mate, no Smiths.

Especially Meat Is Murder, because
I'm raffling a leg of lamb and some sausages here tonight.

Hey, Warren, stick a couple of
double vodkas in one of them. Daz needs pepping up. And a brandy.

Actually, Warren,
I'll just have a lemonade. What?

Technically, I'm still at work.
I just got a text now.

Got to pick the boss's girlfriend up
in 20 minutes. What can I do? Quit.

I've just started! Have one ale,
do the pick-up, ditch the car,

come back, catch up.
What time do you knock-off'

When he says I can.
Here you go, Warren.

Wha -
Oi, knobhead. What did I just say?

I like what I like.

Right, we need to drown this
out. Gentlemen.

Er... raise your glasses.

United's shit, City's worse,
we always put the County first!

Does anybody else's taste a bit off?

You gave him the spiked one - Daz's.

As if?

Oh, hang on a minute.

I'm sorry.

What, you been spiking my drinks?
Just a double vodka. And a brandy.

Trying to cheer you up. How long
have you been spiking my drinks?

Since you were 12.
How else do we put up with you?

Well, cheers, lads!
Two years without a job.

First day on the new one, I'm over
the limit. What am I gonna do?

What you doing?

I'm getting the bevies in,
while we have a think. Genius.

Just phone your boss, tell him
the truth. What that he's drunk -

one thing a chauffeur shouldn't be?

He's gonna kill me.
There's something about him,

something that says you just don't
wanna mess with him. Who is he?

Tony Webber.
Oh, Mad Tony?

What's he like?
Well the clue's in the name?

He was christened Tony
but he's frigging mad.

Glyn works for him.
Oh, dear, rather you than me.

Anyway, any more tickets for
tonight's meat raffle?

First prize, leg of lamb, fresh out
the freezer,

but if you do win it -
eat it by Monday. OK?

I'll eat it through a straw,
if I don't do this pick-up!

People, people, I can sort this very
quickly.

Mate of mine's a cab driver - Nine
Point Nige. Fitted a wet room for him.

Nine Points! Ha ha!
How are you, buddy?

Right, so this Mad Tony, is a bit of
a wrong'un, a bit of a villain.

Well, erm... what are you, then,
his getaway driver?

No, no. I'm not a getaway driver.

But what if he asked you to
park outside the Natwest with the engine running?

Yeah, tights on your head.
Yeah, tights on your head.

No, I'm not a getaway driver.
You're enjoying this, aren't you?

All wet rooms leak.
It's just settling.

I think you might need a plan B.
Why don't you phone a taxi for her?

Can't have some random picking her
up. Well, good news and bad news.

Bad news is that
Nigel can't make it.

He's picking up a hen party in
Cheadle, fancy dress theme, Glee.

What's the good news?

The good news is, he's paying me
200 quid to re-grout his tiles.

Ker-ching! I think
you're screwed, aren't you, Glyn?

Yes, Darren, royally.
Unless one of us drives for you.

But we are probably over the limit.
No, none of you are, not yet.

Oh no, no, no, no! Down, down,
down, down. Darren, Darren.

Thank you.

60p for three straws?

Straws don't grow on trees, son.

Who's going first?

Come on. Whose night out is
going to be totally screwed?

Not you.
I'm not going first.

We'll flip a coin to decide.

We're not flipping a coin to decide
who goes first to decide!

Get in! Warren,
a large JD and coke, please!

Yes.
Commiserations, Beggsy boy!

Fair enough.

No!

I'm over the limit.

You utter bastard...

I'm sorry, mate. We'll keep one in
the barrel for you.

Her name's Zoe.

She's outside the Atom Bar.

Well, it's just as well,
cos I am the best driver.

No, you're not. What you talking
about?

I'm a chauffeur. It's what I do for
a living!

Looks like that Lexus is getting
nicked.

Now, if that bloke had paid us 40,
we'd have stopped that.

Yeah, should have gone for the
anti-theft package.

Zoe?
That's my name, don't wear it out.

I'm er, Glyn's associate, Paddy.
Paddy Hodgkinson.

Your driver for this evening.
Shall we?

Can I just say, I'm not wearing any
pants.

Do you know what, I can't believe
you've never thought about this.

I mean, how can you have gone through
life, right,

lived 30 odd years and not tried it?
What we talking about? Stilton.

The cheese?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, you know, it's always intrigued me

is that it's supposed to be mouldy.

But it's got a best-before date.
So I mean, what happens on that date?

I have no idea.
So, OK, it goes mouldy.

Yeah, very good.
But it's supposed to be mouldy!

Daz, this is a stupid, boring,
beer-fuelled conversation.

Up there with, 'Would you starve to
death eating nothing but celery?'

Yeah, you would. And the classic:
'If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?'

- A feminine looking monk.
- Who's taken a vow of silence.

OK.

Balls.

Hey, you looking at my thigh?

No!
Why not. What's wrong with my thigh?

Nothing wrong with your thigh.
I'm concentrating on the road.

Tony, what d'you want?

Do you know where L'al Akash is?
Yeah, just off Badecross Street.

Lazy ass wants me to go there
and get him a curry.

Hmm.

By the way, your driver keeps
looking at my thigh.

No, I wasn't. Tell him I wasn't.
He does.

I'm not, I'm not. He's all over it -
leggie, leggie, leggie!

I'm actually married.
Looking at my leggie, leggie, leggie?

Eyes down and looking, boys and
girls. Here we go for our first prize, the leg of lamb.

Here we go, oh, it's a pink ticket,
pink ticket number 4 and 3. 43.

Bet you it's Trisha.
Oh, Trish.

Come on, Trish!

Every time.
I know things have been a bit tight

with your Kev still on the old tag,
love.

But there you go that'll help out.
Nice one.

Do you know what, lads?

I don't fancy going to Smokey's
tonight, not after what Colleen said.

Go on.
She says I'm boring, set in me ways.

So if I go to Smokey's,
it'll prove she's right.

Lovely Welsh lamb here, boys and
girls.

You can tell it's Welsh -
still got the love bites.

She can't begrudge you
Friday night with the lads.

She says I always cook the same meal:
egg, sausage, er, beans and chips.

Straight or crinkle cut?

But like I said, right, last week,
we had wedges, not chips.

Plain wedges or slightly spiced
wedges?

Does it matter, Glyn? It's not about
whether it's wedges or chips - it's the fact that I can ring the changes.

Look, you've gotta come out, going
to Smokey's is tradition.

Oh, it's Glyn!

Glyn!

What?
You've won the sausages.

Hey, get in.

Do you know what?
I never win these things.

Cos you never buy
a ticket, you nugget.

Hey, lads, sausages are on me.

OK, boys and girls,
keep your tickets in your hands.

You've heard of Vietnam -
well, now for the boiled ham!

What you playing at?

I'm just waiting for
his lordship's curry.

You mean this one? Come on.
You're not the only one with a life!

You know if I go like that, you
really look like Robbie Williams.

Do I? I get that all the time.
Come on!

Oops.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Come here.

Hodge.

What are you doing here?
Having a prawn biryani. What are you doing here?

He's with me. Keep your dirty
thoughts to yourself and your mucky paws off!

Hey, do you mind? I barely know her.

Oh, aye - Kath, look I can explain -
Your bill, sir.

Oh, sorry, love, you're gonna have
to pay. All my credies are maxed out.

Interesting definition
of a lads' night out, Hodge.

Keep your hair on, love!
He just picked me up outside a bar,

he knows I'm not wearing any pants.
End of.

Oh.
Chill.

Kath -
Excuse me, sir.

Come on.

Kath! Where is she?
I think she might have gone.

I can see that. Don't worry, love,
I'll talk to her, all right?

Thanks, Donna. I know you wouldn't
do anything to hurt her,

you're not like some of men I know.

Thanks, love. And I'm sorry to hear

about your Mick shagging that orange
cow from the tanning salon.

What?

What?

What about my Mick?
I'm sure it's nothing.

Who's this Mick? Sounds like fun.

Oh, I'm sorry, Donna. Sorry!

Are we going home or not?

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Just get in the car!

What car?

Where's the bloody car?

W...w... Where is it?

Look, I'm not throwing these
sausages away. How does that look?

It looks like your kecks
are stuffed with un-cooked meat.

Well, they are. Well, erm...

There we go, problem solved.

Hello, Daz. What a surprise finding
you here!

Colleen, what are you doing here?

At a nightclub? Getting a vajazzle.
What d'you think I'm doing?

See what it's like. And since
you're here, I've got your stuff.

Eye mask.

I can only sleep in complete
darkness.

Stockport County slippers.

I've got my Mam's feet, haven't I?
You know, bad circulation.

Baby oil? Yeah. Don't get too
excited. It's for his eczema.

And now here you are at Smokey's.
Plus ca change, Daz, plus ca change.

That's really out of order.
You know I can't speak French.

Why would you? You'll never step out
of Stockport as long as you live.

Actually, for your information
Colleen,

I've travelled all over to County
away games,

I've been to places like...
Braintree. Braintree.

Kettering.
Yeah, I've been to Kettering!

Ebbsfleet.

I'm not saying Ebbsfleet.
She can't hear you anyway. Come on.

All right, Mitch, busy tonight?
Do not talk to me. I'm working.

If I want enter into a conversation
I'll start it, do you understand?

All right lads, how's it going?

Yeah, good. Thanks, Mitch.

Ey-up, mate. Yeah, all right, yeah.

No.

Oh God, I do not believe this.
I do not -

Oh, look! There's my Tony's motor!

What the...

God, I'm more pissed than I thought.

Oi, that's my mate's car!

Just stop it now! Stop it!

Get out! Hey, I'll call the police!

Get out, you little sod! Get out!

Glyn, I am not paying these...

He wants to speak to you.

I'm afraid we'll have to bill you
for the vehicle retrieval service.

We didn't know it was your mate.
We want 40 quid.

Well, if he doesn't, you'll be
hearing from our solicitors.

He says you've to pay us 40 quid.

Glyn, of course they've not got
solicitors.

It's just kids sat here
grinning at me.

Right, but you owe me 40 quid.

What you gonna do with the money
anyway? Buy another crap cardigan?

What is it now, Tony?

No, we'll be back in a bit.
Some kid nicked the car.

'Somebody's nicked my car?
I tell you what I'll do! -

That's why they call him Mad Tony.

Do you know, she looks like Julie.
Hang on, that is Julie!

You should go over and talk to her.
No, she's with a mate.

Anyway, I don't want
to make a fool of myself,

Do the dance over.
No.

I can't dance to this. I'll wait
for something different to come on.

You get yourself over there!
Eh!

Your Julie Liverman's over there.

Maybe you should do the er...
dance over.

All right.

Look, it's the dance over!
He's doing it!

Get over there now!

Kath, hello, love. It's me again.

I'm just dropping Zoe, that girl,
off, then I'm coming home. OK?

Come on, you bugger.

He's in. His other car's on the
drive.

He's probably just having a shit or
something.

I'm cold.

Who is it?

Erm, is that you Mad To...
Tony, is that you, mate?

Mate, you're not my mate.

No, very true. Erm... I'm Paddy.

I'm just bringing your girlfriend
Zoe back,

and your Lexus, too.
It's a lovely motor.

Where's Glen? I hired Glen.

Glyn. He's... had a bereavement.

He's dead? No, he's bereaved.

Listen, Tubby. If you've
brought Zoe back, where is she?

Actually, I'm... I'm not that fat.

It's just that the camera
tends to put a few pounds on.

I said, where is she?!
Here she is - your precious cargo!

I'm not wearing any pants!

- Yes, I know.
- What did she just say?

Come on...
Ooh, slow down, will you?

Evening. Nice sword.

This is a 19th-century sabre,
used at the battle of Gettysburg.

It's lovely.

Hiya, babes.

I hate to see women pissed.

No, it's very unbecoming.
That's your fault.

Well, to be fair, I mean, she was
half cut when I found her.

I disapprove of alcohol.

It weakens the resolve,
slows the reactions.

I'll just put the keys on the step.
You do that.

Tell Glen. Glyn.

Tell Glen! I'll see him first thing
in the morning.

Ten seconds to get off my property.

Nine...

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five!

Four!

Three!

Cheers, mate. Here we go.
Ta.

How's Johnny Depp getting on?

Steady opening five minutes.
It's a bit cagey.

Going for a slash.

So have you always
wanted to be a chauffeur?

Well, after school I didn't
know what I wanted to do.

So I just ended up being a life
guard down the local swimming baths.

Oh, life guard, macho.

I found it pretty scary, you know
they put you in this big high chair.

It's 15 feet in the air.
It's - I'm - I'm scared of heights.

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no!
That's just my sausage.

No. Not - Not my sausage!

No, sausages. Yeah. I won 'em,
in a raffle. Do you want one?

Erm... I'm fine, thank you.

No, I'll just put them away.

I'm sorry about earlier.
I was doing Glyn a good turn.

No, it's all right,
I know you're... a bit of a knob.

Fair point. How's Donna.
Ask her yourself.

She's in the spare room. About
to start her second roll of Andrex.

You bastard!
No, I don't wanna talk about it!

I don't ever want to see you again.
BASTARD!

I'll leave it 'til morning.
She's left him for good this time.

Packed her bags.
Set up a Facebook page

called Tina From Tangfastic
Is A Dirty Ho.

I'm sorry, love.

Donna!

Oh, bloody hell, it's Mick!
What? Well, don't open it!

Why?
It's my fault he's..

Oh!

You've got a cheek turning up here.

Look, I need to speak to Donna.
Hello, Mick.

She's in bits upstairs but I will
see if she wants to talk to you.

You all right?
Not great, no.

Nice tan, you been away?
No, of course.

Anyway... umm...

Go on up.

Good to see you. Good luck.

Hmm, this is nice.
Hm.

Where's your cardigan?

What?

Your cardigan?

Er...

Somewhere.

You've lost it, how convenient -

just like that snakeskin man bag
I got you. No, I love it.

No, you can be honest
if you don't like it.

I really love it.
I won't get upset.

It's my favourite thing, ever. So
you'll want to go and find it, then?

Eh, you seen the ice queen
over there, trying to wind me up?

Yeah. Well two can play at that game.

She says pork scratchings
are disgusting,

fat and hairy and unhealthy and...

She says they'll be the death of me.

I don't want to sound like someone
from Relate here, Daz, but just go over, talk to her.

Do you know what she called me
this morning?

A 'narrow minded, set in my ways,
unadventurous little turd.'

Well...

Well, I like what I like.

Tony!

Hi.

It's Paddy from earlier.

That's my cardigan and I kinda need
it back.

No, no. This is my cardigan.

I've had it for years.
OK.

Well, it's just that
I've got one similar.

Well it's identical in fact.
And erm...

Well, I lent it to Zoe earlier
and...

Perhaps you'd like to take it
up with Napoleon? Napoleon?

Daz, seems to me
like you've got two options.

You go over you patch it up,
or you move on.

How am I gonna do that?

Tonight, Darren Taylor,
opportunity knocks!

Yeah, but they're not Colleen.
Oh.

Not now, Hodge.

You see the thing is I'm used to her,
plus I can't be arsed with the hassle of meeting someone new.

Then why are we having
this conversation? Go and sort it out with Colleen.

What and have to do all that
talking about feelings and stuff?!

No, no, no. There's no way, that I
am gonna try humous.

No. And she'll never drag me to the
Trafford Centre.

Fine, you enjoy
your pork scratchings!

What are you like?!

Bouquet of lollipops for the lady?

Lollipops?

They cost me a tenner these. Off a
bloke in the bogs.

And I've never had them before. And
you say I never try new things!

What are you trying for the first
time tonight, hm?

A threesome?

I'll see you later, lads.

That's my hairdresser, Jamie
and his fella Ryan.

Oh, Ohh - Come here.
I'm sorry.

Beggs, Beggsy, it's going really
well.

She didn't even mind my sausage
hanging out. Nice one!

Yeah. THIS is turning out
to be the best night ever.

We don't want your sort
in here! Ah, watch my pint!

Come on! Out!
Oooooooh!

Right, get out!
Bastards. I'll report you.

What are we being chucked out for?

He phoned up the club and told
them we were selling drugs.

Do I look like a drug dealer?

You weren't answering your phones.
It was an emergency. I had to get you out of there somehow.

Any reports of improper conduct must
be taken seriously by the management and staff.

Julie Liverman's waiting to have a
drink and spend the rest of her life with me. Can you let me back in?

Can't. It's gone 1:30. Club policy
stipulates the prohibiting

of entering or re-entering
to all patrons post 01:30 hours.

What?

They don't let anybody in
after half one. Come on.

Oh, come on, lads, please!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Just get in the van, will you?
Yeah, come on you've got her number.

Er...

You ARE joking?!

What? But it's Hodge,
He needs my help.

I wanna go home.
Well, he's my mate.

And I'm your girlfriend.

You made me take my toothbrush back.

Make up your mind, Daz.
What is it to be?

Hey, I tell you what, you owe me big
time after this Hodge, right?

Next time, five-a-side,
you're in goal.

We've got to get back. I should be
with Julie, not going round to my boss's house for your cardigan.

Kath bought it for me.
She'll forgive you.

I don't want that.
I want to show her that I love her.

You did that by wearing it
in the first place!

Why did you have to park
so far away?

I don't want him to see whose name
it is on the side of the van.

Get back! The gates are opening!
What's happening?

Shh- Shut up.
It's Tony. They're leaving.

Wow, look at this
place! Must have cost a few quid.

Hey, check out the wheels. Can we
please go? I'll buy you a new cardi!

I can see it.

How are you going to get that?
Have you got a key?

No, I have not got a key! Eh, you
could try using a credit card.

We are not breaking into my boss's
house to get a cardigan!

Is there any way in round the
back? Don't even think about it.

Eh, Hodge, window open up there.
Will you stop helping him?

Daz, get on up there.

Who me? No, no, no.

You go up on roofs all the time!
I know but I can't get up there without my ladder.

Wahey!

It's like it's a sign.

What's up?

I'm just thinking:

am I doing this because I think it's
a good idea or because I'm drunk?

Both. Now get your arse
in gear! Come on!

I'm in!
Well done, Darren.

Oh yeah, nice one, mate.

Oh, eh, he's got a dog,
it's a bloody great big Doberman.

Genius.
No problemo.

Where's the dog?
Locked up inside.

Should we have a little look around?
Be rude not to.

No, no, no, lads. I don't think we
should. I don't think we should have a look around!

Wow!
Wow, jeez.

It's like the set of a porno.

Look at the size of those spears.

Yeah, that's great. Shall we go now?

Oh, my God!

Look what he's got, a box of
Krispy Kremes and he's only had one.

What are you doing?

I'm starving.

What was that?
Swallow.

I said, what was that?

Oh, shit!

There! There!

Be quiet, idiot! It's me.

There you are.

Greedy cow.

Are we going to this casino
or not? I'm going for a waz.

What's going on?
I don't know.

I can't see in the
dark or through doors!

If we don't leave now
I'm not coming!

And you forgot to
switch the alarm on.

Mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer!

He's going. That's his car.
Yeah, we've all got ears, Hodge.

Oh, for God's sake...

I'm sorry, lads. I was bursting.

Do you mind?

We're dead.

No, no, no.
There's always a solution.

Just let me think. No, you're not
coming up with any more ideas.

Glyn's sausages!
Eh?

Got your sausages
from the meat raffle? Yeah.

We'll use them as a decoy.
Eh, no. I won them!

Come on, Glyn.
They're not cooked, so...

It's a dog, not John Terode.
Just give 'em here.

All right. Who's gonna go first?
Does it matter?

It does if the dog's a vegetarian.
Can you get a vegetarian dog?

Well, if not,
maybe a picky bugger.

My Aunty Lynn, she had
a dog once that was diabetic -

Shall we save this fascinating
conversation for the Nelson, eh?

Concentrate on our current
predicament. Who is gonna go first?

Straws, straws! What about
if we draw straws again? Yes!

Who's gonna have straws on 'em?
He had sausages in his pockets!

I should go out last, shouldn't I?
We are using my sausages.

You. You're going first.
You got us into this predicament.

Waaaaaaaaa... Leg it!

It's ruined.
What, like his arse?

Thank you, love.
Right then, I best be off.

Should do this again some time.
Same time next week? Yep.

Oh yeah. Can we give you a lift,
Mrs B? Ooh, thank you.

What? Oh, oh yeah. Just leave me
here, why don't you?

Nasty.

Yeah. Love bite.

That Pippa Middleton's
a rough one, then.

Yeah.

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