Original subtitles

Die, die, die!

Can we just watch Flog It?

No, I'm teabagging this camper I just pwned.

But they're flogging. Tom, I've just killed a man on the battlefield

and now, to humiliate him, I'm going to put my testicles in his mouth.

Itchy, are you seeing this? Who's Itchy?

Some 11-year-old from Guyana. No, don't retreat. Treat, treat!

So, you're molesting a virtual corpse? Itchy, you do it.

And now telling a child to.

Medic, medic!

Everything all right? Can I get a can of Lilt, please?

Oh, hello, JuicySniper9, prepare to be died. You're sick.

Oh, no, stop killing children on the internet!

Grow up!

Argh!

No.

Don't you dare teabag me, you little bitch!

No!

Thanks.

No!

This is Flat News.

Momentous developments in lift talk this morning,

as I kind of asked gorgeous next-door neighbour Sophie out,

kind of, sort of, in a way,

we'll see what happens, fingers crossed.

Busy this evening? Old lift, isn't it? Oh, this?

Yeah, it's a rickety old twat.

What to do say about this evening? Chicken. Chicken?

Yeah, would you like to go for chicken?

What, just you and me?

Yeah, well, there'll presumably be other people in the restaurant,

but... OK, that, Tom, you seem really nice

and I love our weird conversations in the lift and everything.

I've been hurt by guys in the past...

and you didn't come to my party, and you berated those homeless guys,

and you burnt down my flat.

I just, I don't know, I need someone sweet and caring.

I don't know, I just really don't want to get hurt again.

So, that's a maybe?

Sophie possibly going on a date with me, huge news.

With high hopes, we now go to Naz with the weather.

Naz? The weather?

It's bleak.

Oh, come on. What happened that can be that bad?

Naz?

For the last two years, Naz has been fighting

on the front-line of one of the world's bloodiest

first-person shooters.

This is his story.

War isn't easy.

You get headaches, thumb cramp,

one tiny mistake in how you're sitting,

you're looking at a dead leg.

Naz was out on a routine patrol. Operation, just shoot everyone.

Little did he know the peril he faced.

This guy, JuicySniper9, he just got under my skin.

You're dead.

Obviously, I retaliated.

He was just too clever.

JuicySniper9 shot and killed Naz.

As soon as he killed me, I knew I was dead.

Nothing prepares you for death.

Apart from the other 100 or so times I died that day.

No, don't knock me over. Oh!

It's all right, guys, I've got it.

Oh! Take that, you... Oh!

A dead body lying in a war zone is usually respected,

but JuicySniper9 showed no such decorum.

He teabagged me.

'Don't you dare teabag me! No!'

He put his balls in my mouth.

You just don't forget that.

The only way to move forward is to get my revenge.

Revenge is sweet...

...but my balls are not.

Made you a cuppa, mate. Argh!

Oh, Goddamn it, Mikey!

Have you heard the news? Can you believe those Russians?

It's not yours, Russia. It's just not yours.

Was there a reason you came, or...?

Yes, could you look after my nephew today, please?

Ah, no. I don't really have the qualifications.

You sound just like my doctor. Please, I've got a busy day.

Hi. Yo. Already here, are you? OK. Forcing my hand.

Please? I've got such a busy day. No.

This one usually takes them, but she's busy, too.

Hello, Sophie.

How, Tom. Oh, are you looking after him today?

You guys look really cute together.

I'll take him. Oh, good. Thank you.

Kieran is such a good boy. Deep down.

Deep, deep down. Thanks, bye.

OK, JuicySniper9, how can I find you?

This is my office.

Sh-h-h! I'm planning my revenge.

So many clues, but how to connect them?

Connections, connections, connections.

JuicySniper number nine, First attacks by the fuel depot,

then by the ammo crate. Connection?

Both storage containers full of something.

What else is full of something? Balls. Argh, no!

Concentrate. JuicySniper, likes to snipe, also enjoys sugary beverages,

such as orange juice. What shape are oranges? Balls. Oh, no! Think!

JuicySniper number nine, of course, 9+9 - 10... And what've you got?

A huge pair of balls. Argh!

God, damn it! All my deductions are balls.

I don't see... You do see, but you don't observe, my dear Mikey.

It's el-mel-entary. What?

It's emel... Hemel Hempsteady, it's Humpty Dumpty.

Oh! It's elementary. It means very complicated.

Can you, please, get out of...

Stop talking, I'm going to my mind phallus.

You mean palace. Exactly, my phallus palace.

Now, get me a Tizer.

I'm hungry.

Fetch me a bap! I fancy a BLT.

Bacon, lettuce and Tizer. OK!

This reveals absolutely nothing.

Revenge is hard.

Why are we playing here? There's a park the other side.

There is, but this is a great spot for catch.

Because it's next to Sophie's flat. Basically, yeah.

I want to play PlayStation.

Well, right now, we're playing a real time strategy game

called Make The Pretty Girl Like Tom.

You're so old. Ready? I don't really do catch,

I'm more into football and being liked.

That's the problem with kids these days,

they just don't do what they're told. Come on, let's play.

Hee-hee!

This is The Square, where simple tasks become epic challenges.

Catch.

Tom, you must take the ball and play catch with this horrible brat,

to convince Sophie you're a sweet, caring guy.

Can your steady hand take you to a romantic chicken dinner?

Are we playing or what? Yeah!

Yeah.

Ha-ha-ha! Hee-hee-ha!

Look, if we go back inside, I'll help you out with Sophie. Trust me.

I'm experienced. What, in crayons? Skirt, tail, dame-bombs.

I've had more girls than you've had haircuts -

but not as many as I've had haircuts,

cos this boy got to look good.

And my mum's a hairdresser. Look, just do my plan, eh?

For a little bit, mm? High-five?

I don't really do high-fives, I'm more into handshakes

and having friends.

Mini high-five?

See, we're having fun.

Ha-ha-ha!

Sorry about the teabagging, bruv. Yeah.

I thought this might cheer you up.

Spicy beef, pepperoni, meatballs.

Argh, balls! Sorry, sorry, pork spheres. Ah!

I'm sorry, man. I'm just still a bit sore about it, OK?

But I plan to get my revenge.

The man who seeks revenge must dig two graves.

What, like teabag him twice? There can be no satisfaction in revenge.

It's like nachos, yeah? Eat one, not enough. Eat two, not enough.

Whole bowl, still hungry. And the Bar Mitzvah's out of crisps.

Yeah, but it's consuming me

and the only way to end it is if he consumes my balls.

Listen to yourself, you're obsessed. Yeah, you're damn right, I am!

And I'm not going to stop, Carl!

Not until I get my two pounds of fleshy balls

bouncing around his face

and drowning him in a rain of 1,000 teabags.

Sh-h-h! You're running through a golden field, free,

where you roam amongst the corn, frolicking with the fawns

and other animal people.

Oh, little animal people.

You arrive at a lake, where you meet the old boatman. Hello.

He takes you to the cave of forgiveness. He's a nice man.

Underneath the dripping limestones, you release your anger -

and into the calming waters sink your two furious pebbles.

Actually, they're more like rocks. Sleep!

Your anger has now left you.

And in this place, only the desire to spread peace

and love to those around you.

Peace and love to those around me, that's my mission now.

Also, I've got some doughballs. Urgh!

A lot of food is balls, isn't it?

Oh!

Top tip, if you're trying to impress a girl,

you might not want to make it quite so obvious

that you can't play sport.

I played cricket for Berkshire Under 13s.

People used to call me Rocket Rosenthal.

Is that because of your massive nose? You shut up.

Maybe I should come a little closer.

The game has simplified -

you are now one step closer to the little shit.

OK, Rocket, give me one with a little heat.

Get ready for take off.

Less hope remaining.

Argh! Argh, you threw it too hard on purpose! Why didn't you catch it?

Why did you do that?

Is he all right? Shall I come down?

No, no! He's fine.

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, he's fine.

Thank God you can't throw properly.

Still want to play outside?

What's going on? Thomas!

OK, well, I hated that. What is this hate?

My mission is to spread peace and love to all around.

For, as the tranquil Buddha says...

Ahhh... don't be a dick.

Being pretty weird, mate.

Please, call me Priest or Mother Naz. No.

Oh, look, a precious child.

Don't hug the kid. Don't call me a kid.

The force is strong in this one. What the...?

Can we get the real Naz back? At this rate, I think I prefer Mikey.

Please, Tom, we are all equal in the eyes of the universe.

Although this priest could do with some holy water.

Mike, get me a Tango! With Ice!

OK, can you just look after the kid?

I've got to pick an outfit out, in case Sophie says yes.

You, sit down and think about what you've done.

Hm!

Hey there, little fella, having a pleasant day?

Yeah, I think Tom's my new best mate. He's great.

Isn't he? Isn't he!

I'm trying to make him look good in front of Sophie. Spreading the love.

Maybe I could help.

You can. Speak, little prophet. Listen, I know chicks.

If I see a girl I like, trust me, by the end of the night,

I'll be holding her hand. This impresses Mother Naz.

Tom's too nice. Dames appreciate it when a guy's rough around the edges.

You know, treat them mean, keep them keen. Hm.

So, what can I do?

Tom's a dick. What?

Yeah, he is not a nice guy. The worst.

One of the worst guys. I thought you guys were best friends?

No, that's a complete lie.

I only live with him because he controls my money. OK.

He forces me to work for him, like a sort of slave.

Erm... And he called you fat. Like a fat potato.

What? Not a hot potato, he was very clear about that. Like a fat potato.

Oh. OK, well, thanks for telling me.

He...

He also called you a smelly, ugly, fuck pig.

I just thought you should...

Are these a bit much? Glad tidings, brother.

Where have you been? I've been to see Sophie, your one true love.

OK. And let's just say, all is well. She thinks you're a complete dick.

What?

I said you'd called her a host of names,

ranging from bulbous vegetables to pongy swine.

Are you serious? She even cried.

Well, go back there and take it all back. I'm not your slave, Tom.

Although that's not what Sophie thinks. Why would you do that?

Why would you do that?!

Treat them mean, keep them keen.

Honestly, he's like Tinder in child form.

You are going back to Auntie Aoife! I'm sorry.

You're in so much trouble.

You are genuinely a little devil child, with a black soul

and a frustratingly handsome face. Weird thing to say.

I don't care, I resent it and I resent you. You sound like my dad.

Oh, do I? Oh, well... Oh.

Does he say that? Does he say that to you? He used to, before he left.

Oh.

Well. He walked out on us when I was small.

I haven't seen him in eight years.

I guess I just feel the need to hurt those that are put in charge of me.

Before they can hurt me.

Yeah.

I was lying about all those girls, I've never even held a hand.

I just like the attention, you know? I mean, what does that say about me?

I'm the same. I was just using you to get Sophie's attention.

I mean, what does that say about me?

I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.

And, while we're being honest, my cricket nickname wasn't Rocket.

It was Tom Can't-Throw-senthal. You really can't throw. I know.

Don't worry, you're a nice guy. I'm sure Sophie will see that.

Oh, cheers, man. Trust me, you'll be holding hands in no time.

Mini high-five? Mega high-five.

Oh, hello.

Everything all right? Yeah, we're good. Busy day, is it?

What? I heard Naz came round earlier. Yeah, he did.

Anything he said was not true.

So, you don't think I'm a fat potato?

No, no, never. Or a smelly, ugly...

No, none of those things. Then why would he say it?

Listen, Sophie, I've liked you

ever since you've moved in, and Naz knows that.

What happened earlier was just his way of trying to convince you

that I'm a nice guy. He said you keep him as a slave.

Oh, it baffles me, too.

It's just taken me too long to say

that I really enjoy living across from you, and...

I know that chicken this evening is a maybe,

but I really, sincerely hope that you say yes.

Sophie? Erm...

Hare, Hare Christmas.

Go away, will you? No smelly-smelly? No smelly-smelly.

Is that a slave outfit?

It's not fair for you to keep him in robes.

Just no idea why he's wearing that.

I'll knock on your door in about an hour?

Chicken?

Chicken.

How do I look? You look good, man.

Oh, thanks, Champ.

Chicken!

Wow, you're a gifted gamesman. Here you are, little buddy.

Do you play? No, no, I gave up war.

No, I live peacefully and treat people only with respect.

Mikey, that beef isn't going to Wellington itself.

Personally, I could never give up sniping.

It's one of my greatest pleasures in life.

Apart from juice.

Obviously.

And humiliating my victims.

Connections, connections, connections.

Personally, I could never give up sniping.

Sniper.

He likes to snipe.

It's one of my greatest pleasures in life. Apart from juice.

Juicy. Also enjoys sugary beverages.

And humiliating my victims.

Balls. Oh, no, concentrate! Sniper number nine. He's just too clever.

Don't you dare teabag me, little bitch!

I know your filthy secret.

You're The Stig. What is wrong with you?

No, I'm JuicySniper9. What? I did it.

It was me, I'm the teabagger.

I'm going to beat you to death with the tranquil Buddha.

No, no, no. He's the JuicySniper!

Mother Naz go crazy! Argh! Sh-h-h!

Don't be a dick. Let it go, Naz.

Sh-h-h, Naz. I know he's an annoying kid. Oh, God, I know.

But he's like this for a reason, OK?

His dad abandoned him and he has to hang out with Aoife all the time.

He's a good kid. OK? Sometimes good people do bad things.

That's Sophie.

Remember when you went round to her house and called her a smelly,

ugly pig? No, it was a smelly, ugly... It doesn't matter.

That was a bad thing to do, right? But you're not a bad guy, are you?

You're great guy. In fact, I think you're the best guy.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, man.

Do you think you've got it in you to forgive Kieran?

Friends?

Friends.

Super-mega high-five? Super-mega high-five.

Oh!

Oh, that little shit!

No hope remaining.

Oh, my God!

Why would you... why would you do that?

Kieran, your dad's here to pick you up.

I mean, I actually had a date with her. I had a date with her.

To think, she was worried about getting hurt emotionally.

Yeah. And then you punched her in the face.

Yeah.

That bloody kid. I mean, why?

Why would he do all that?

Hm.

Is that a pizza cutter?

Ow!

I, myself, was supposed to be taking my nephew to Thorpe Park today.

Hang on, is it cool for me to eat this? Not really.

It's some little dickhead's.

Probably fair enough.

Coming up, I try to apologise to Sophie.

Don't.

Mikey makes a totally unreasonable request.

Oh, can you pass me a Vimto, please? What am I, your bloody slave?

Oh, is there a Vimto going? Yes, master.

And Naz takes up less a violent video game.

No, Luigi, what's wrong with you?

Get your balls out of my face! How are you doing this, Luigi?

How are you doing this?!

This is Flat News.

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