All language subtitles for Drunk.Bus.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-EVO-HI

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[cow moos]

[cow moos]

[instrumental music playing]

[bus engine starts]

FRED (ON RADIO): What's
cooking, fuck chop?

Hey, Fred.

FRED (ON RADIO):
You ready for this?

Deb's pregnant again.

Uh, congratulations?

FRED (ON RADIO): Hey, how am I
supposed to afford a fifth kid?

Christ almighty.

Were you just not careful or?

FRED (ON RADIO): I don't know.

You know how it is.

Once those bodies
start slapping...

Gross.

[laughing]

MICHAEL: Ah.

Fantastic.

[rock music playing]

Wait, what did
you mean by cadaver?

Uncle Jesse.

What's wrong with that?

What isn't wrong with that?

It's fucked up.

You're supposed to
respect your cadaver.

How was that not
showing respect?

Uncle Jesse is the hot uncle.

Michael, back me up here.

What?

On your own, man.

Thank you.

See.

Not everyone is morally
bankrupt as you are, Justin.

At least we're
taking pictures of him

- like that guy from last year.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah.

He had to face the
family and apologize.

It was a real black eye
to the nursing school.

Anyway, so we're dissecting
uncle Jesse's pelvis...

Ah.

Let me give you a ride.

It's freezing.

Come on.

Just let me give you a lift.

Do I need to call
the cops again, Bob?

Making me work for
it, tonight, huh?

[beeping]

Hey, it's Fuck You Bob.

Fuck You Bob.

ALL: Fuck You Bob.

All right.
All right.

Dude.
Come on.

Shut up.

Why do they call
him "Fuck You Bob"?

Wait for it.

You're all strapped in, Bob.

Fuck you.

[laughing]

FRED: Hey, what's your 20?

Uh, I'm just outside the loop.

I've just picked up
Bob here, and he gave

me a run for my money tonight.

FRED: That's stubborn
old Bob for you.

But tell him Fred says hi.

He can probably hear you.

He says hi.

FRED: Can seven, which
means signing off.

Look at him.

He's all tuckered out.

I love Justin.

He's the best.

Yeah.

My last college didn't
have a drunk bus.

It's a great idea.

What made you decide
to become a bus driver?

This and, uh, nude
modeling are the two

highest paying jobs on campus.

No offense, dude.

I think I'd pick
the nude modeling.

Less chance of being
puked on, I guess.

Maybe.

Justin tells me
you're really into film.

I used to take a
lot of Polaroids.

Did you study photography?

Photojournalism.

But, uh, I don't, I don't, uh,
really do that stuff anymore.

I just transferred
here for museum studies.

Our big project this semester is
to curate an original art show.

I'm feeling really uninspired.

I'd love to see
your work sometime.

So are you seeing someone or?

What?

Oh, yeah.

No.

I just, uh, went
through a breakup.

Yeah.

Try nine months ago.

Oh, I knew you were faking.

I'm sorry.

That really sucks.

You guys date long?

Uh, yeah.

Since high school.

Amy applied to KIT,
so I applied too.

Planning on getting
married and everything.

It's stupid.

I don't think that's stupid.

What?

If I did, I'd tell you.

It's a little stupid.

Whatever.

So what happened?

I mean, after, uh,
after graduation,

she moved to New
York and said that we

should see other people.

Ugh.

Nine months ago.

Uh, thank you, Justin.

Dude.

Got to get a stick
together, right?

You've got to stay behind
the... the... the yellow line.

My boyfriend broke
up with me today.

Hey, do you want some water?

He was, Oh, this is college.

We're not supposed
to be tied down.

Fuck him.

Yeah.

Seriously.
Fuck him.

I'm trying to drive.

You can't, you cannot
touch my arm I...

My stomach hurts.

Here.

Take the water.

I think she likes you.

[laughing sarcastically]

Hey.

Yep.

I know you.

I thought you graduated already.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

No, no, please, please
don't throw up in here.

Please.

Please, please sit back.

[farting]

[screaming]

Oh my God.

Oh, she pooped!

She pooped!

Oh my god!

[gagging]

OK.

Put that down.

Take a bite.

Is that bacon on a donut?

It is a caramel bacon donut.

They were out of
everything else.

Well, that's, that's awesome.

It's OK.

You're awesome, and I
think we should do it.

Let's get a place.

I thought you said
you weren't ready.

I am ready, and you're right.

We do, we do work
really well together.

[interposing voices]

Cool.

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you too.

Woo hoo!

Is tonight the night?

[music playing]

(SINGING) Lady, you
showed me [inaudible]

all the tears you brought me.

Broke my one rule.

You treated me cruel.

[phone ringing]

SISTER: (MUFFLED) Hello.

Oh.
Whoa.

You're awake.

Was just gonna leave
you a voicemail.

How's it going?

SISTER: Good.

Mom wants you to
call her, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

I gotta do that.

SISTER: OK.

So listen, a paid internship
just opened up in my office.

Interested?

Dude.

She's gone.

You can't stay in that
town forever, waiting,

living with that old loser.

I mean, you graduated.

It's time to just, just
come to Chicago and move on.

Please.

Love our talks.

SISTER: Come on.

No, I got to go.

SISTER: Come on.

[instrumental music playing]

Dude.

I really got to pee.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, God.

Oh.

My pee always smells like,
uh, movie theatre popcorn.

You know, like, fake,
hot butter stuff.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I will still crush a bucket of
that stuff, no questions asked.

I'm just saying,
like, if the ushers

decide to pee in the butter.

How would we ever know?

There's no chance we would know.

I probably have already
eaten some usher's piss.

Hey, thank you.

[tv in background]

MAN (ON TV): Accumulations of
up to 10 inches in some places.

Bundle up if you're going
out, and make sure to check in

on any loved ones.

Hey, gang.

FRED (VOICEOVER): Congrats.

You're nearing a
milestone in your career

with the campus bus service.

Four years without an incident.

Now if you make it to
the end of February

without a traffic
violation, fender bender,

or a pedestrian fatality, you'll
receive the prestigious all

stars of safety plaque.

Next step is becoming
a full time employee.

I'm talking 25 grand a
year, health plan, 401k.

Ha.

Keep up the good work.

Sincerely, Fred Quigley.

PS I burped my breakfast
burrito into this envelope.

Ugh.

Four years.

FRED (ON RADIO): So
what do you think?

About what?

FRED (ON RADIO): The
all stars of safety.

I won't lie.

It's a pretty big deal.

You get your name engraved on
a plaque right next to mine.

That's immortality,
assuming you make it.

I hope you're not still
thinking about that Amy girl.

Get your head in the game.

Eye on the prize.

Don't want anything
happening to my protege.

Protege.

[blows raspberry]

KAT: Maybe she's
just being friendly.

I don't know.

If it was a regular
smiley face, I'd

give her the benefit of the
doubt, but winky smiley face.

The bitch wants
to be born again.

What?

She wants to taste the body
of Christ, crucify her vagina.

No offense, guys.

Why are we still
talking about this?

JUSTIN: Jesus, Kat, tell
us how you really feel.

All right.

I feel like she's
messing with your head.

I feel like she's
playing games, and it's

getting a little masochistic.

I think you were Michael
and Amy for so long

that you forgot how
to be just Michael.

I'm alone on the
bus every night.

I mean, alone alone.

Like, you remember my
breakup last summer?

JUSTIN: Hm-mm.

Afterwards, I went and
traveled South America

by myself, which was scary.

It was fun.

It was...

Super lonely?

Yeah.

At times, it was, but, you
know, the world didn't end.

It's OK to be by yourself.

I don't want you to get stuck
in a crappy relationship

for fear of being alone.

Shit.
I got to go, guys.

Sorry.

All right.

Well, if you do go
to South America.

You can call up
one of my cousins.

They'll show you around.

[chuckling]

Ew.

It smells like
dookie up in here.

[knocking]

JOSH: Open up.

Open up.

Wait, wait, wait.

I got a keg.

You can't bring a ke...

what are you doing
with that, man?

Some freshmen paid me
to pick it up for them,

and, of course, the battery
died in my car, so...

Dude.

You know, you can go to jail.

Well, if you think of
a better way to make $47,

I'd love to hear about
it, or if you would just

put in a good word with
Fred for me, like I asked,

I wouldn't have to do this.

Fred's not going
to hire you back.

Why not?

Josh, you know why not.

It's because I'm a registered
sex offender, isn't it?

OK.

Well, it was public urination.

I have a small bladder.

I mean, in hindsight,
should I have

found a more discreet
location than a Chuck

E. Cheese parking lot at lunch?

Sure, but do I
deserve to be branded

a monster for the
rest of my life,

because I take a leak in public?

- Fuck no.
- Uh, whatever.

I don't care.

Just bring it on.

- Do it quick, please.
- OK.

Thank you.

I don't know why you
want to bring a keg of beer

onto a bus full of drunk
college kids anyway.

OK.

Put down the ramp.

- No, not for you.
- Put down the ramp, dude.

Just get it on.

BOB: Fuck you.

[laughing]

(SINGING) The wheels on
the bus go round and round.

ALL: (JOINING IN)
Round and round.

Round and round.

The wheels on the bus
go round and round.

All through the town.

AMY: Micheal.

Michael.

ALL: The wipers on the bus
go swish, swish, swish.

Swish, swish, swish.

Suck my dick.

[ringing]

[singing over each other]

FRED: You're my protege.

Fuck you.

Hey.

What the?

Stop the fucking bus.

That was my stop.

Hey, asshole.

Stop the bus now.

[laughing]

Shut the fuck up.

Everyone, shut the fuck up.

Stop messing around with
Bob, or you're off the bus.

Bob, you OK?

Fuck you.

[laughing]

You got to stay
behind the line, man.

[thudding and grunting]

[MUSIC - REDBONE, "WE WERE ALL
WOUNDED AT WOUNDED KNEE"]

(SINGING) We were all wounded
at Wounded Knee, you and me,

we were all wounded at
Wounded Knee, you and me,

in the name of manifest destiny.

You and me.

[bus engine starts]

It smells like shit in here.

Like, actual shit.

Did you shit?

I'm Pineapple.

You say your name's Pineapple?

Yeah.

The bus service.

They hired me.

To give me a tattoo?

No.

To protect you.

I'm in security.

Oh, dude.

No.

I, I've been doing
this for a long time.

That kid was just being a dick.

I... I really...

I don't need any, you know...

Sure about that, homie?

Doesn't look too good.

Here, try this.

It's witch hazel.

It will help with
the inflammation.

You carry witch
hazel with you?

Yeah.

Look.

Next time some drunk
motherfucker steps you, give

them one of these to the head.

Will stop the fight
before it even starts.

Here, try it.

I'm good.

Go ahead.

Hit it.

What the fuck was that bullshit?

Headbutt my fucking hand.

There you go.

It's better than breaking your
hand on some joker's face,

'cause then you gotta
fuck your other hand,

and that definitely sucks.

FRED (ON RADIO): Hey, fuck chop.

You didn't leave yet, did you?

No, I'm... I'm...

I'm still here.

Did you guys hire a, um-

FRED (ON RADIO): Well, due to
last night's incident, which

won't affect your eligibility
for the safety award,

so don't worry, we hired a guy
at work security temporarily.

He calls himself Pineapple.

Fred.

FRED (ON RADIO): He's got
tattoos covering his face.

Wait till you see this fat fuck.

Fred.

FRED (ON RADIO): Dude looks like
a Darth Maul fucked fat Albert.

- I'm not shitting you...
- Fred.

FRED (ON RADIO): Now, if
tons of fun gives you...

Hey, Fred.

It's Pineapple.

You want me to come in
there and murder you?

FRED (ON RADIO): That
won't be, uh, necessary.

Uh, you... hey, you
all be safe out there.

You too, Fred.

FRED (ON RADIO): We joke
around here, Pineapple.

PINEAPPLE: Let's go.

FRED (ON RADIO): I
knew you were there.

Yo.

You ever hit it
with a passenger?

Usually, just, uh, drive
them to the bars and back.

Shit, son.

Do you even know
what you missing?

What?

You got a girlfriend?

Uh, yeah, uh, she's
in, uh, in New York.

[speaking samoan]

What?

It's Samoan, man.

It means, the net's
hanging up to dry,

but it'll be used
for fishing again.

Kind of just got to, uh,
focus on the road here, man.

My bad.

You do you.

What?

Tell me if I'm off base, but
you never shampooed the wookie.

I had a girlfriend
for five years.

Yeah, but it didn't mean
you got your twinkie stinky.

It's all right, man.

Just own it.

So am I wrong?

Love you.
Goodnight.

Love you.

Night.

What's that doing here?

What?

You're poking me
with your boner.

I can't really help it.

Then maybe go to the bathroom
and jerk off or something.

I have to get up early tomorrow.

Why is premarital
sex so wrong, but

masturbating's totally fine?

Because you're the one who
has to answer to the Lord

for your behavior, not me.

Night.

So you're a virgin.

Keep it down, man.

Come on.

What is that shit
you're drinking?

It smells like absolute ass.

Oh, it's
traditional Maui soup.

Pureed seafood, pork bones,
some other shit in it.

You want some?

No, I'll pass.

More for me.

So what's Amy doing besides cock
teasing in the Five Boroughs?

She's a junior fashion buyer.

She did text me saying she's
going to be in town next week,

and there was a winky
smiley face involved so.

So that means she
wants your dick.

Dude, we gotta get you laid.

Fucking's important.

A buddy of mine, he got married.

On his wedding night, found out
she got an inside-out vagina.

What's an inside-out vagina?

Fuck if I know.

He wasn't really taking
follow up questions.

You feel me?

A penis?

Could be.

Look, my point is you got
to make sure the parts fit

before you commit.

Yo.

Let me get in on that.

Oh, uh, Pineapple, it's Bob.

Bob, that's Pineapple.

Yo, what's up, Bob?

You.

This guy's awesome.

Where do you take him?

If we can actually convince
him to get on the bus,

I usually drop him off
at the old flour mill.

Oh, yeah, what's over there?

I don't know.

He's definitely not telling.

Apparently, he used to
teach art here in the 70s.

No one really knows.

He's kind of a mystery.

Yo.

You see those two
girls back there?

If I get them to kiss, you
let me get behind the wheel.

Go for it.

Check check.

How's everybody doing
out there tonight?

I said, how's everybody
doing out there tonight?

[cheering]

Yeah, this is good.

Come on, guys.

Get up.

Get up.

Damn.

Look, dude.

It's going to happen.

Look.

Going to fucking happen.

Ah, ah.

Aah!

Yo, yo, check it!

Ugh.

[chuckling] This
thing handles like shit.

I know.

You get used to it.

Just be careful please.

So you drive the same
route, night after night,

over and over?

That's the job.

You ever go off-route?

You're supposed
to stay on-route.

What'd you do if I took
this bitch on the highway?

I would lose my job and then
probably get arrested so let's

not do that.

What the fuck was that?

Frat kids.

Do this a lot?

Pretty much every night

I'm going to ask
you a question,

and I want you to
answer me truthfully.

Do you want me to murder them?

FRED (ON RADIO): What's
your 20, fuck chop?

Uh, uh, uh, uh, frat row.

FRED (ON RADIO): 10-4.

Hey, I feel like I may
have put too much pressure

on you before about
the, uh, you know,

the whole safety award thing.

I'd like to give you some
advice that my mentor,

the late great king of the
bus jockeys, Alan Clapper,

once gave me when
I was your age.

I hope it means as much
to you as it did to me.

[farting]

Shit right now.

FRED (ON RADIO): You
get all that, fuck chop?

I'm not even
responding to that.

I'm not wasting my fucking time.

Same shit,
different toilet, huh?

No, actually, it's more,
it's the same toilet,

and it's constantly overflowing.

What time is it?

1:39.

We pass, uh, we pass Zephyr.

There's going to be a lady in
a green coat, walking her dog.

Just going to smell its shit.

Swear to God.

Oh, no.

Ugh.

Oh, it's my favorite.

Whoever updates that marquee
can't spell for shit.

Free turnovers, yo.

Oh, you see these
Christmas lights?

Yeah, man.

It's February.

They're on a timer.

And off.

There's some
crazy deja vu shit.

Reminds me of juvie.

You were in
juvenile detention?

Yeah, man.

I did a year for B and
E back when I was 16.

You must have owned the place.

Nah.

It was the same shit, day
after day, over and over.

It was like being
stuck in a time loop.

But big-ups to you, man.

I don't know how
the fuck you do it.

Trains.

You're going to
drive yourself nuts.

You're going to drive yourself
nuts obsessing over that text.

What's with the winky
smiley face, though?

What am I, what am I
supposed to think that she

thinks that that means?

Who cares?

Man... Forget about it.

I'll see you tomorrow, kid.

Pineapple.

Wait, what, what were
you going to say?

Pineapple.

Pineapple, what were
you going to say?

Pineapple, come on.

Dude.

You're taking the small
shit in your small life

and making a huge
deal out of it.

What?

Pineapple.

What are you talking about?

Dude.

None of it matters.

Your job, Amy,
the text, college.

None of this matters.

You feel me?

A wise Samoan once said,
Change doesn't begin when

you get a knock on your ass.

It begins when you decide
to get on your feet again.

Is that another old proverb?

No.

That's Dwayne the
motherfucking Rock Johnson.

See you tomorrow, kid.

[phone ringing]

Oh, great.

JOSH: Crap.

TV: Voice assistance by...

This is what's
considered fun now?

I can do it all night.

JUSTIN: Aw.

That is a loose septum.

Gonna have to do
better than that.

That is the single
grossest thing

I have ever seen in my life.

Where's your wallet?

It's right here.

Yo.

Who the fuck took my wallet?

[whistling]

You got mad skills.

Respect.
Yo!

Get the fuck out of my face!

Sit the fuck down.

Chill the fuck out.

Jesus.

What do you guys think of him?

I already like him better
than I ever liked you.

Nobody messes with
you when he's around.

Look at him.

He's like the bro whisperer.

What?

You look high as fuck.

I wish.

Nope.

All Tara.

Who's Tara?

She's a psycho who lives
in the dorm room next to Kat.

She has night terrors.

What are night terrors?

It's, like, a condition
where you scream

and thrash around your sleep,
but you're technically,

like, fully asleep.

We call her Night Tara.

No, you call her Night Tara.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, it fucking hurt, but
it's tradition, you know.

Look.

I'm at the shop every day.

Come on and see me.
I'll hook you up, all right?

Yeah, sweet.

You guys cool?

Yeah.

Shake.

Hug.

Come on.

Get in there.

All right.

Because if I have to
come back here again,

I'm going to rip your
fucking arms off.

Yo.

How do you do that?

Do what?

Calm those idiots down.

Ah.

Dude's don't want to fight, man.

They want someone
to break it up,

so they save face and
still look tough, you know?

You're like Yoda.

If Yoda ate Jabba the Hutt.

I'm just good at talking
sense into people, you know?

Hey, you should
meet Justin's parents.

They're the last two people on
Earth who don't know he's gay.

Well, I'm fine with them
thinking Kat's my girlfriend.

Even if she is the
spawn of the colonizer.

Give me their number.

I'll fucking tell them.
I don't care.

Yeah, right.

No, really.

I'll tell them for you.

- We're not doing this.
- Yeah, we should.

- No, we're not doing this.
- It's good for the soul.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm really starving.

You wanna jump off?

Here?

There's a [inaudible]
around the corner.

Ah, fine.

But I'm never
going to eat again.

- Bye, Pineapple.
- Later, yo.

Bye.

See you guys.

Dude, she was a fucking
senior virgin, bro.

Dude, after sophomore year,
there are no more virgins.

She had to be lying.

Dude, she's super fucking
Catholic or some shit.

Convinced some fucking
sorry motherfucker

they should wait till marriage.

She traded in God for Todd.

Dude, don't fucking
touch me, bro.

Todd forgives, though.

Todd moves in mysterious ways.

FRAT BOY: Where is she now?

New York?

I don't fucking know, man.

Not on my dick.

It's all too irrelevant to me.

FRAT BOY: What the hell
was her name again?

Jamie.

No, wait.

Amy.

Yeah, that's it, dude.

I'm sorry, Bob.
You're good.

BOB: Fuck you.

See you, Bob.

You're doing all right?

You look whiter than usual.

That guy in there, Todd.

He had sex with Amy.

Amy?

Amy who?

Argh.

Amy?

TODD: Let's fucking
go, bus bitch.

Are we going to
fucking move or what?

You want to hurt
that guy, don't you?

Headbutt him.

That's your answer
to everything.

Because it works.

Don't worry about his boy.

I'll take care of him.

Argh!

At some point, you're going to
have to make an actual decision

in your life.

Might as well go in
there and headbutt Todd.

I don't think you know me
well enough to be saying that.

I had you figured out
the minute I met you.

Now, get in there and headbutt
that smug motherfucker.

Move.

The fuck's your problem, bro?

Um, there's no open
containers on the bus.

Sorry.

[laughing]

TODD: What a fucking loser.

Finally.

Yo.

You going to eat that?

Man, don't you fucking text her.

This guy is just like the
complete opposite of me.

I don't understand.

I gotta know if they hooked up
before or after we broke up,

and that's it.

You think she's out
there thinking about you?

She's not.

She's probably fucked 10
more guys by now too, man.

So how come you never left
Kent after all that went down.

Hmm.

Nothing better to do.

That's a stupid answer.

Why?

Why are you here?

Why would you leave a
tropical paradise for Ohio?

KIT's got a sick
ass nursing school.

Nursing?

Sick ass.

That's awe... that's awesome.

My professors,
they told me I was

going to scare the patients.

Whatever.

So you, you dropped out?

No, I left when my
lady got pregnant.

Wait.

You have a kid?

Yeah, man.

She's going to be 11 this month.

I'm just fucking with you.

That's her.

How fucking old are you?

Are you and the mom
still, uh, cool or?

Nah.

Katie lives with
her up in Cleveland,

but I still support her.

That's why I got the job
protecting your bitch ass.

What is, what is,
can we, think about...

She's cool with it.

She's used to it, anyways.

Sometimes her classmates
make fun of her,

but she's tough like
her old man, you know?

I guess you sticking
around makes sense, too.

I wouldn't want to leave the
carefree college days neither,

you know?

Not really like that.

I mean, when everyone else was
studying abroad or partying,

I was usually just
driving the bus,

or I was with Amy,
watching the fucking

"Notebook" or something.

What do you have
against Ryan Gosling, yo?

Nothing.

He's fine.

God damn right.

He's super fine.

And sexy.

So why'd you stick around?

You're like a ghost, man.

You're not living in Kent.

You're fucking haunting it.

Look.

What you need is a do-over.

You see those 40s over
there, grab two bottles,

and let's dip.

No.

I'm not st... stealing
40s with you.

You want a fucking do-over?

It starts with
those two bottles.

Grab the two bottles
and let's dip.

The guy's right
her... right there.

He's sleeping.

He won't even miss it.

Quit being a bitch, grab
those 40s, and let's dip.

Go.

OK.

Fine.

Yeah.

[upbeat music intensifies]

FRED (ON RADIO): Hey, keeping
it safe out there, fuck chop?

Yeah, yeah, Fred.

You know it.

Hey, Fred!

Who's the fuck chop now?

No, no, no, no, no no!

Absolutely not!
No, no, no, no.

Pineapple, I'm still driving.

Stop.

Stop.

Fuck you!

FRAT BOYS: Fuck you!

Wait, wait.

Why are we doing this again?

Ladies love it.

Here.
Swish.

Swish with this.

So you took all these photos?

So that's Amy.

Damn, son.

Now I get it.

Come on, man.

Let's do it.
Let's do it.

Let's do it.
Let's do it now.

- I'm ready.
- OK.

So in ancient times, they
used to pierce three times

to reach a higher
plane of consciousness

and to speak with gods.

Is that gonna happen with me?

Fuck if I know, but you'll
be an A plus muff diver.

OK.

Stick out your tongue.

Is this gonna hurt?

Not if you hold still, fucker.

Ow.

Ow.

What did I just say?

[muffled speaking]

Stick your tongue out.

Here you go.

OK.

One.

Two.

[MUSIC - DEATH, "KEEP ON
KNOCKING"]

Ahh!

[inaudible]

[screams] Ow!

Hey, why are we yelling?

Oh, nope.

I don't like blood.

No, no, no, no.

No.

What the fuck was that?

Oh, man.

We almost got it.

What?
I'm done.

That hurt.

Yo, Ted.

What's up?

Yeah.

We just got here.

Oh, and I got a homie with me.

Yeah.

I'll be right up.

Yeah.

He said it was cool, man.

All right.

He know I'm here?

Yeah.

What the fuck was that?

Argh.

College kids.

They do this all the time.

MICHAEL: Oh, shit.

Pineapple, what the
hell is this shit?

Argh.

God damn nerds.

Yeah, it's right here.

Check out her special lot.

God damn it.

Come on.

Jesus.

Son of a b...

Oh, hey.

Come on in.

Just threw in some bagel bites.

So how you been, man?

Pretty much incredible.

Like, making bank nonstop
without even really

trying, which is awesome.

How about you, hot topic?

Still, uh, living without
regret, or not so much?

What's up with sugar smacks?

Ah, man.

He's cool.
He's with me.

If you say so.

I like your, uh, your place.

It's cool.

Yeah.

It's pretty cool.

What do you, um...

what do you do with
all this stuff usually?

eBay mostly on the deep web.

Yeah.

You name it.

Devo Ted has got it.

Yeah.

You want illegal fireworks?

I could take down Key Tower
with what I'm packing.

Laffy taffy?

Turkey jerky?

I could choke out a bear
with what I got up in here.

Energizing body wash?

You won't sleep
for weeks, bitch.

What is, what's this thing?

Oh, that is the Flinger.

It's a three-man water
balloon launcher.

We used to mount
one to the window

and launch canned hams
at my mom's boyfriends.

The sound they made when
they hit the pavement

was like a Hollywood punch.

No way.

You calling me a liar?

Dime bad, right?

PINEAPPLE: Yeah, man.

What's... what's "Dev-o?"

"Dee-vo."

Devo Ted.

Devo, the seminal art punk
band that began one town over.

That... that one.

That's who you're talking about?

Ring a bell?

Oh, oh, I saw the thing
with the... the... the flower

pots on their head.

Dude.

I'm sorry.

Devo fans hate it
when you only know

them from the "Whip It" video.

I will fucking stab you.

Yo.

Then you can forget
about the bagel bites.

Dude.

We're going to bounce.

Thanks, man.

Wait, whoa, whoa,
ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Slow down, Tokyo Drift.

Cop a squat.

Sit a spell.

Oh.

No, thanks.

We've gotta go.

We have an, we have an early.

Not to shit on your
generation, but your generation

basically sucks ass.

It's like a bunch of zombies
staring at their video games

or into their phones.
Hang on.

I got a text message.

I think it's Karen.

We got doodads and
widgets of the wing wang.

We've devolved as a species.

That was Devo's whole
message, de-evolution.

Their message is more
relevant today than ever.

I mean, think about it.

They go out on "Saturday Night
Live," and they're just like,

wake the fuck up America.

That was their whole thing.

Freedom of choice.

That's what we got.

I mean, look at this fucker.

Are you kidding me?

I just realized your, your
hand, your hand tattoos.

That's clever.

The fuck is Celine Dion
talking about over here?

You don't?

Are you serious?

What the fuck are
you talking about?

Look.

Put your hands together, dude.

Devo Ted.

Devoted.

Holy... Devoted.

How incredible is that?

You've got to see
what my knuckles

said, hiding in plain sight.

You don't get stuff
like my new friend.

Oh, God.

That's cool.

No idea.

He's out.

Let's go.

Grab it.

I'll be right back.

Wait.

That's his bedroom.

What, no!

Pineapple!

He has a lot of cameras
and stuff in here.

He won't even miss it.

Jackpot.

Let's go.

Hurry up.
It's freezing.

MICHAEL: I got it.

I got it.

Spiral!

How loud is this gonna be?

That's so loud.

This is awesome.

Thank you, Devo Ted.

Thanks, Devo Ted.

We love you.

BOTH: Devo Ted.

Devo Ted.

De...

Hi, ma.

Hey.

[non-english speech]
There's something

that I want to tell you, right?

Um, as much as I love you,
and I respect your opinions,

I also know how, judgemental
you can be, and...

God, I don't know
how to say this.

Um, I just... what the fuck?

Dude.

Your son's a homo.

Yeah.

Homo.

Oh, you knew?

Yeah, this is Pineapple.

Yeah, that's my name.

Just like the fruit.

Yeah.

Justin's gonna be OK, you know?

[non-english speech]

What did you say to them?

Your parents are rad.

We got a lunch date next week.

Well, you have to come out
to celebrate with us tonight.

Oh, yeah.

It's our friend Eric's
birthday, or his roommate's.

I don't remember.

Either way, the point
is it's a party.

And this bitch
is getting crunk.

Woo.

Got to work, sorry.

Oh, you suck.

Let me know if you guys
need a ride later on.

Go to the party.

What about the bus?

- I'll handle the bus.
- All right.

Tick-tock, ladies.

Go ahead without me.

- I'll catch up.
- OK.

Bye.

If Fred finds out,
I'm gonna lose my job.

Who the fuck cares?

I care.

Do you?

Do you really care if you
lose this lame ass job?

All right.
You know what?

Actually, I'm going to run.

I'll see you.

Bitch.

Fine.

You sure you can
handle her on your own?

[chuckling]

Kat, wait up.

[phone rings]

So how's your, uh, how's
your museum project going?

It's all right.

It'll come together,
or it won't.

I don't know.

Either way, I just, I
don't wanna think about it.

Sorry.
Am I keeping you up?

Uh, no.

No, sorry, uh, Night Tara is.

Ha.

She was brutal last night.

How do you do that?

[laughing]

Of course.

Of course.

Hey, hey.

Drunk bus.

Someone get this guy a beer.

Do you know these people?

Your boyfriend,
he saved my life.

Probably just doing
my, my job or whatever.

Hey, hey.

You made it.

Wait.

Who's driving the bus?

ALL: (CHEERING) Drunk bus!

Great shot, kid.

One in a million.

Two people who love Star Wars.

What are the odds?

BOTH: Never tell me the odds.

ALL: (SINGING) Happy birthday...

I forgot this was
a birthday thing.

Me too.

ALL: (SINGING) Happy
birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Todd.

Happy birthday to you.

You're all the friends
I never fucking wanted.

I mean that.

Now let's get fucked up!

[cheering]

What the fuck are you
doing here, bus bitch?

Ow!

Ow!
Fuck!

Ow!

My fucking nose.

It hurts so bad.

Yo.

What did you do to my boy, Todd?

My fucking nose.

My f... Ow!

Fuck!

Pick me up.

Fucking bitch.

Get me out.

Get me outta here Take
me fucking outta here.

Get me the fuck outta here.

[bus hooting]

How'd you figure
out the marquee?

I've got mad skills, homie.

Holy shit.

What happened to your face?

I ran into Todd with my head.

Oh, awesome.

So how was it, killer?

It fucking hurts.

It hurts so bad.

How do you do that?

You're supposed to use
your head, not your face.

I broke his nose.

Oh.

Fuck yeah.

Ah, come on, dude.

Fuck chop nothing
to fuck with.

Kat got all freaked out.

Everyone else got
all freaked out.

It was awful.

Ah.

Don't worry about that, man.

At least you'll have a
kickass story about that scar.

You're going to need
stitches, homie.

I'd do it myself, but I
ain't got anything on me.

Hey.

Totally interrupting, um, I
could do you back in my place.

Uh, sorry.

[inaudible]

I'm a nursing major,
so I could stitch

you up if you want skip the ER.

No, I'm good, thanks.

Cool.

What the fuck is
wrong with you, man?

Shh.

Dude.

I just want this
night to be over.

Do you want to be
a virgin forever?

Shh.

Come on.

Shh.

I don't even know this girl.

She doesn't really seem
like my type either.

Virgins don't have types.

Now, listen, you're going
to go back with that girl.

She's going to stitch
your face, and then she's

going to sit on your face.

And listen, when
you're doing it,

focus on something in
the room, all right?

You don't want to blow
your wad too soon.

Hey.

Seriously, let me look at that.

Come here.

What'd you do?

See.

It's not so bad, right?

Imagine how good I'd be if
I didn't have any beers.

What?

I'm joking.

I only had four.

Oh, right.

So you like Sister Oblivion?

Yeah.

Hank's my fave.

I used to be into
crap like that?

Yeah?

Like what?

Photography, sort of.

Cool.

What kind?

Just Polaroids, but
my camera broke.

I never fixed it.

Why not?

Oh.

I don't know.

I don't why.

I just didn't feel
like doing it...

Sounds like you're depressed.

Ow.
Ow.

Oh.
Sorry.

Sorry.

I don't feel depressed really.

None?

Yeah.

Oh.

Good?

All better.

All right, so I'm on the
pill, but I won't be offended

if you use a condom, OK?

Oh, um, OK.

You cold?

What?

No.

Why?

'Cause you're shaking.

So good.

OK.

Did you just come?

I, I'm so, I'm, I'm so sorry.

It's OK.

Just finger bang me, and
we can try again later.

Oh, OK.

- Li... like that?
- Yeah, but shh.

Shut up.

Sorry.

Shh.

[snoring]

I want you inside me.

What?

Are you OK?

PINEAPPLE: Remember to focus
on something in the room, yo.

Fornicate this woman.

She needs you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This feels great.

That feels so good.

Yeah.

That feels so good.

Too much.

Too much, no.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

What?

Do it just like that.

KAT: (KNOCKING) Shut up!

Tell them to fuck off.

Fuck off.

Yeah.

Why are you doing this to me?

Say my name.

Say my name.

KAT: Tara.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm trying to sleep.

Tara?

She's Night... she's Night...

Night Tara?

You're an asshole.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to wake you.

[screaming and yelling]

Coming.

My God.

I'm sick of this.

Just you?

Yeah.

Dime bag, right?

The hell happened to your face?

You don't wanna know.

Looks like Pineapple's work.

Yeah.

Kind of.

So whose idea
was the fireworks?

Yeah.

I know about that,
you little shit ball.

It was Pine's idea, wasn't it?

You can't trust that dude
as far as you can throw him.

He's probably been telling
you all sorts of shit

about Samoa, too.

What?

He's from Buffalo.

I think one of his
grandparents might

have lived in Samoa or New
Zealand a million years ago.

What?

What are you talking about?

Ask him.

He didn't get those tattoos in
some ancient island ceremony.

He got them at
Show Us Your Tats.

It's like the Supercuts
of tattoo parlors.

I don't even think he's
seen an ocean up close.

Wha... no.

Why would he lie about that?

Look.

Everyone's got
their reasons, man.

Looking like he does,
he gets to be special.

He gets to be Pineapple,
the punk rock Samoan.

When deep down inside, he
knows he'll always basically

be Greg, the deadbeat
dad, the nursing

school dropout from Buffalo.

No.

He se... he sends money
to his kid every week.

Yeah, and I got a
9-foot dingle dangle.

Here.

It's on our mutual friend.

Well, I'm going to go.

Uh, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Ah.

I can make us some bagel bites.

Bagel bites sound good?

It's like a small bagel
pizza [inaudible]..

It's nice.

All right.

I thought so.

That's my guy.

You remind me a lot of
myself when I was your age.

I didn't always have
my shit together.

Yeah.

They'll tell you to
graduate, get a job,

marry within or above your
socioeconomic bracket.

Next thing you know, you're
saddled with a mortgage,

and you're passing all this
shit your dad laid on to you

on to your own kid.

The American dream.

Just add water.

Oh, fuck the world.

So how was it last night?

Oh, it was great.

Woke up in the middle of the
night with her on top of me.

One minute we're doing
it, the next she's

scratching and flailing
around in my face,

screaming like a
fucking psycho person.

Freaky deaky.

Freaky.

Felony.

Who's to say?

Bob, will you get on the bus?

It's freezing.

Damn.

Dude doesn't give a fuck.

Bob, will you just
get on the bus, please?

Fuck you.

You know what?

Fuck you, Bob.

I think this is all an act.

Do you hear me?

If I'm wrong, tell me different.

I'm not buying it anymore.

Dude.

Lay off.

Give him a break.

No.

You know, I think he's
a fucking liar like you.

What?

If I'm wrong,
tell me I'm wrong.

Fuck you.

You know what?

I'm done with this guy.

Yo.

You going to tell me why you
called me a liar or what?

Give me the phone, Pineapple.

You're texting Amy?

Come on.

Give me my phone now, please.

No.

You can't be trusted.

You want to talk about trust?

You pressured me to
go to that party,

which was a complete disaster.

Then you tell me that
I need to get laid,

which is an even
bigger disaster.

I didn't hold a
gun to your head.

God.

You're just this massive
pile of walking bullshit,

and you tell me to make
decisions and do things.

You don't fucking do anything.

You could be saving
lives, but you

just fuck around and get high.

In Samoa, there's a saying.

[samoan]

[mocking samoan]
Shut the fuck up.

- No one cares.
- No.

You're wrong.

You're not even from Samoa.

You've never even been there.

Who told you that?

Let me guess.

It was Devo Ted, wasn't it?

That mother fucker
is responsible for...

Oh.

What do you know
about responsibility?

Plenty.

That's not what I heard.

What'd you hear?

Just give me my phone.

Give me my phone,
and I'll tell you.

What'd you hear?

Yo.

Dick.

What'd you hear?

That you're a fucking
deadbeat dad, OK?

What the hell, man?

What the... Pine, stop.

You want to lecture
me about responsibility?

Try working two fucking
jobs, living in a shithole

just so my kid could eat.

I may not be first generation
Samoan, but I love my daughter!

OK.

PINEAPPLE: I don't need this.

MICHAEL: Look.

I know about Todd.

AMY: Who?

MICHAEL: The guy that
you had sex with.

Is he a Ginger?

Yes.

OK.

So we, we talked once at
a party after we broke up,

but that was it.

You seriously think I would
lose my virginity to a stranger?

Look.

I... I felt so bad.

I... I feel so bad about
what happened with us.

Michael, I knew you were never
going to move to New York.

You never asked me.

Come on.

Be real.

You're terrified of the
unknown, and you can't make

a decision to save your life.

That's not true.

Uh, when you texted
me back, how long did it

take you to actually hit send?

It's who you are, and that's OK.

You would have hated New York.

It's not for everyone.

Not even me.

I thought you loved it there.

I did.

I did, but everyone and
everything moves so fast,

and I missed home.

And I missed you.

And I got fired.

Yeah.

I didn't want anyone to know.

It's been a rough couple
of months actually.

So with my tail tucked between
my legs, I am moving back.

So I've got a
couple of job leads,

and my parents
are going to float

me till I get back on my feet.

Are you going to make me say it?

Say what?

I was hoping we could
pick up where we left off.

Where we left off was
you breaking my heart

and fucking another guy.

I just said that
that wasn't true.

I'm serious about
setting down roots.

You know, here with you.

And I've given it
a lot of thought,

and I think we should have sex.

Not, not like now.

I know.

But yeah.

Soon.

I can be at the Student
Center tomorrow around 11:30.

If you want some
company on the loop.

I can bring an overnight bag.

Oh.

What about, like,
the... the... the Lord?

Oh.

Yeah.

I've, I've thought
about that too.

I think He would prefer that we
do it than with some strangers.

Especially, you know,
since we're back together.

Are we back together?

FRED (ON RADIO): Hey,
you sitting down?

Yeah.

I'm driving.

FRED (ON RADIO): I
just got some bad news.

You're sitting, right?

Fred, I'm really
not in the mood.

FRED (ON RADIO): Fuck You Bob.

He died last night.

They found the poor
guy frozen to death

like a bearded Popsicle
on the side of the road.

The battery in his
wheelchair must've gave out.

Guy had no family.

It's a real shame.

Circle of life, I suppose.

Everyone, get off the bus.

Get off the bus now.

I'm not kidding.

Get off my bus.

Sorry, yeah.

Get off the bus.

This god damn kid.

Ah!

Get off the bus!

What are you?

A zombie?

Get off the fucking bus!

Are you on or off?

I want to see
how this plays out.

Where are we?

Damn it!

Why would I leave him
out there like that?

I'm so stupid.

Uh, this is all my fault.

You're giving yourself
way too much credit.

Dude was old as fuck.

This is not a joke.

I'm talking about
someone's life.

Yeah.

It was his choice.

He decided that.

Now what the fuck
are we doing here?

I don't know.

I just... I...

I know nothing about
the guy, and now...

and now he's dead because of me.

Look.

Maybe Fuck You Bob was Fuck You
Bob just to get through life.

You know, some of us lie.

Some of us say fuck
you to everybody.

Some of us drive
around in circles.

You feel me?

All right?

OK.

Move.

Yo, dude.

Come over here.

Did he do all
this from memory?

Holy shit.

Yo.

Check this out.

Your nipple looks
like a ball sack.

That's accurate.

Man, Fuck You Bob
was one sick puppy.

He had a name.

Robert Birch.

I like Fuck You Bob better.

Man, I wonder what's going
to happen to all of these.

He had no family, right?

I don't know.

I'm guessing the state of the
school's going to toss it all.

Man, fuck that.

Yeah.

You know what?

Fuck that.

Hey, come here.

Oh, my God.

What do you want?

Just come here.

We're busy.

What?

I said we're fucking busy.

Doing what?

What do you want?

I got to show you something.

What is it?

Just ca... can you come here?

Can you trust me, please?

Can you do that?

You're not gonna smash
our faces in, are you?

No.

I promise I will not
smash your faces.

He shouldn't have to say it.

All right.

We got nothing
better to do anyway.

This is...

It's beautiful.

Who did this?

Robert Birch.

Who?

Fuck You Bob.

- He died last night.
- Wait.

Are you serious?

What?

We found his place, and we
found all of his paintings.

He wasn't an ass...

I mean, he was an asshole,
but he was an artist too.

What about you?

What?

Are you an asshole?

Nah.

I see you more as
a douche canoe.

You know what?

That's it.

FRED (ON RADIO): Fuck chop.

I'm getting no-show
calls up the corn hole.

You know, if... if... if what I'm
hearing turns out to be true.

You can kiss that $25,000
job goodbye, mister.

Yeah.

Relax.

I'm on the loop.

FRED (ON RADIO): Relax?

You're my protege.

I've been grooming you
to take over one day.

Ignite your future, like I did.

You know, it's not so bad.

What's not that bad?

FRED (ON RADIO): This job.

This town.

There a lot worse
places to end up

than running the campus
bus service at Kent

Institute of Technology.

But maybe you're right.

Maybe I've wasted my life.

I didn't say that.

FRED (ON RADIO):
You didn't have to.

I... I... I read subtext.

Subtext?

FRED (ON RADIO): Truth is.

I haven't been happy
in a long time.

Sometimes, I just wish I could
go to sleep and never wake up.

Fred, what was that noise?

FRED (ON RADIO): You mean
the cocked Ruger GP 100

Revolver aimed at my temple?

Fred, that's not funny.

FRED (ON RADIO):
Fuck chop, thanks

for giving me the courage
to do what I'm about to do.

Tell my family, I...

I don't know, just...

Fred.

FRED (ON RADIO): FRED:
Tell them I wasn't all bad.

Fred.
FRED (ON RADIO): Tell them.

[gunshot]

What the fuck?

What the fuck did
you say to him?

I don't know.

I didn't, I didn't
tell him anything.

Fuck.

FRED (ON RADIO):
Gotcha, ya buttholes.

It was a sound effect
on my computer.

Here.

Listen.

[gunshots]

I'm embarrassed for you.

Ugh.

Falling for that.

Game's got to respect game.

Yeah.

Fuck that guy.

It was real fucking funny.

FRED (ON RADIO): Ah.

Absolute buttholes.

Yeah.

Let's go.

On my mark.

Three.

Two.

One.

Good shot.

Ah.

Yeah.

Nice shot.

The radio, the radio.

Yeah.

Fuck you.

Get the ham.

That's nasty.

OK.

Go.

Yo, guys.
What the fuck?

My house, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

Oh my God.

Huh?
What?

Where you going?

Get the fuck out of here.

Hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa.
What's happening?

What's this?

Oh, we're pretending
to kiss for our friends.

I think they're rooting for us.

Oh, hey, look.

BOTH: Aw.

How much longer do you
think we have to do this for?

Um, it's kind of
like 10 seconds.

You sure?

No, get the fuck away from me.

I haven't done that much damage
since they popped their VP.

Didn't he cry afterward?

Yeah.

He told me he loved me.

See you guys.

So if you ever figured
out whether or not you're

an asshole, you should call me.

Oh, wait.

I thought you
should have this.

Thanks.

Will you two fuck already?

You shut up.

[phone ringing]

Oh, shoot.

That Amy?

Yeah.

Well, that's awkward.

Keep in mind, kid.

That girl wants to fuck one
thing and one thing only.

It's your head.

Hey, Pineapple.

Was that true what
you told me at juvie?

Uh, cracking out because
of the repetition?

Yeah, man.

It was.

How'd you learn to,
like, live in a time loop?

I didn't.

I broke out.

Really?

So you're like a fugitive?

Everyone's a fugitive
for something, kid.

See you tomorrow.

Don't do anything stupid.

Or you know what?

Do something stupid.

I don't give a fuck.

I left something
up there for you.

Is it stolen?

[MUSIC - DEVO, "GUT FEELING
/ (SLAP YOUR MAMMY)"]

Fucking bus bitch.

FRED (ON RADIO):
Hey, what's your 20?

Why aren't you
stopping for pick pus?

Fuck chop!

Michael!

What the shit!

[phone buzzing]

Fuck chop, can you hear me?

Don't think I won't
fire you, Michael.

Fuck chop!

The safety...

[phone buzzing]

Josh, what's your 20?

Come on.

Where you at, Josh?

Are you taking a wiz there, bud.

Shit!

FRED (ON RADIO):
Josh where you at?

[inaudible] Josh!

Hello.

DEB (ON PHONE): Hey, honey.

Oh hiya, love bug.

DEB (ON PHONE): How's work?

I'm killing it, as per use.

How was the baby doctor?

DEB (ON PHONE): Are
you sitting down?

Of course, I'm sitting.

What else would I be, uh...

DEB (ON PHONE):
Have you eaten yet?

Yeah.

I, uh, did just
eat dinner, but I

don't see how that's relevant.

DEB (ON PHONE): So
we're having twins.

Twins?

DEB (ON PHONE): Fred?

Yeah, yeah.

Just give me one second, please.

OK?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull