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[smashing]

[smashing]

[Police Radio Chatter]

Okay go go go!

Police, police, police.

Who's got two? Who's got two o'clock?

Get down! Get Down!

Drop the axe! Drop it! Get down on the ground!

What the fuck?! Get down! Get down.

Drop the axe! Drop the axe!

[Police Radio Chatter]

T1...What's the situation? Do you copy?

[Hard Rock Music]

[Music drum roll]

Carlos. Listen to me.

Officer Lewis is my parole officer, okay?

I need you to call him and tell him I'm at work! Got it?

Listen I...Listen to me. I've got detention today.

That's right.

No. No, I'm not lying to him, you're lying to him.

Got it?

Hey! Who keeps your business going? This guy right here.

Shit!

[brakes screech]

[crash]

[horn honking]

[techno music]

Listen, the first few weeks of school have been weird.

No she won't cover for me because...

No, she dumped me.

Yes. Thank you!

Just have my back this one time. Cover for me and...

I'll get yours another day.

Today...

I got other shit to sort out.

All fucktards, present and accounted for, sir.

[thunder rumbles]

Jesus Max! You scared the hell out of me, buddy.

Sorry Matt.

So, where's D-Day? I think there's been a mix-up.

Okay.

[classical violin music]

Mister Clark, one does not get to choose

when one serves detention!

Particularly, in regards to your behavior, I sincerely doubt

that a mere detention would satisfy this school's protocol.

There's a chair. Use it.

Your first few weeks here were infamous, to say the least.

Yeah.

Thanks to those spoiled T-baggers.

Hey, you wrote this?

Thank you Max.

You're new to Crestview,

but your incessant need to blame more fortunate students for

your own misbehavior is starting to trouble me.

I thought our sessions were helping us curtail our anger

to build better leadership skills?

Yeah. My uncle keeps telling me that Clarks are born leaders.

He drinks... A lot.

You may not take my tests seriously, but the student

body's dim opinion of you aside, your responses to my

psychological evaluations reflect an

unbalanced personality.

Unbalanced?

Mr. Clark?!

And this?

Boobs.

This?

Bigger boobs?

Vagina.

Small boobs, but like.. weird nipples.

There's no...

How about this one?

Judas Priest.

You record those. What other students you got in there?

We record everything, Mr. Clark. And that's

none of your business.

Dr. Day? Uhh...

My uncle's out of town for the holidays. And my...

boss is hassling me, and just it would make it

impossible for me...

Are you certain you didn't receive any further

reprimand from Crestview this week?

I'm here because I want to make things right. Please let me.

Alright.

Alright, Matt. Against my better judgment

I will let you serve your detention. Today.

Let's just hope the rest show up.

These are like paintings?

Yes, Max. They're a bit like paintings.

What does this painting look like to you?

It's like the art my grandfather made.

But he would sculpt, not paint.

You just saw boobs.

[rock music]

How many bad kids today?

Max, I wouldn't classify any of our students as 'bad kids'.

After Marquez drops me at the airport, I'll send him back to

get you and wait until you're dismissed.

I'll take a taxi.

Oh, and try to remember, you kiss the babies.

You don't eat them.

Ugh. I've certainly had a stomach full of you.

You see, Max, graduating students often feel pressure,

which causes them to behave irrationally.

They tend to sabotage themselves.

Their minds, their bodies, are fragile,

susceptible to all kinds of negative influences.

More so than even they might realize.

You okay son?

Yeah. I'm okay.

What's that you have stuck inside your cast?

Just my video camera.

I thought I'd record my one and only day in detention.

Some students here are more prone to

subversive behavior than others.

And certainly take pleasure influencing

their peers, in an unsavory fashion.

But it's the weaker students who need the most guidance.

They're the first to fall in line behind the less

constructive students.

For the weaker students, failure hits them hardest.

They fall into a self destructive pattern.

When you mix all of these personality types together

ten months out of the year, it's no wonder

students succumb to fits of jealousy, rage,

even paranoid delusion.

The new building looks nice, father.

Time will tell. Hopefully, it will serve its purpose. Yes?

Now, go.

I'm sorry, fath...

[Dr.Day] It happens every year

every school

Students lash out.

At their parents. Environment, even at each other.

More often you hear on the TV about that one young adult

who finally snapped.

Honestly Max, it's a miracle they don't all kill each other.

Sweet Jesus.

You're kidding.

God-damn.

Oh yeah. This is gonna rock.

What?

Let's go. Keep moving. The books won't bite you.

[spooky native american music]

[music stops abruptly]

[Veronica] Whoa.

I moved it in here last night.

Yes, you did, Max.

In the dark, and all by yourself, I might add.

Yeah, it was scary. I heard noises.

You heard the ghost, didn't you, Max?

Ghost?

Please, Miss Harmon.

Max, it was the wind, or some other treacherous piece

of equipment those lunk-head construction workers leave

behind every night.

Whatever you heard, believe me, it wasn't a ghost.

I dig it, Max.

You would. It's weird and freaky.

Just like you Megan.

Careful lighting the fuse on her tampon. Her pops is the

world's douchiest lawyer. You may want to call it a draw.

No way.

Her little routine in the champagne room got me

in deep shit.

I know. I've seen all your greatest hits.

Yeah, that's you.

Are you sad?

You don't fuck around with making an impression.

It's Matt, right?

Okay.

Are you sure this place is safe?

I'm confident the six of you can survive an entire eight hours.

God forbid you actually read something.

[Megan Screams]

How's it hangin' Max-a million?

Okay.

Rome is the capital of Italy and the country's largest and

most populated city and commune with over 2.7 million residents.

See? State of the art.

We only have Intranet?!

I bet they use it for downloading dirty movies.

No Max. See, the Intranet is a local based Ethernet system.

Never mind.

No Internet. Pathetic.

Sure, cause you got to keep up with all your online charities.

[scoffs] Under-crust.

And he's a pervert.

You got off easy. This fuckin' psycho put me in traction.

And he attacks retarded people. He's not a good person.

He's disabled .Not retarded!

Which is more than I can say for any of you.

The restroom! Mr. Clark, perhaps you could lead the way?

Release the Kraken!

[plop]

Ahhhhhh

Excuse.

Tricia, heard your mom is ahead in the polls.

Where's her next stop?

"Attila the Hen?" She left today for, wherever.

Out to get more money and souls for the coffer.

The picture of her, in Forbes. She's beautiful.

Her mom should date your pops.

That pic of him in the paper next to his client?

How many billions did it say that guy embezzled?

From a pension fund, I think. But your pops

got him off, right?

I see you outside, smoking, most of the time. Veronica?

You're new.

Actually, "Red" I've been here a year.

Uh, that qualify me as "new?"

Uh, yes! It does at Crestview. You're not a "lifer." Like us.

So what do your parents do, Veronica?

Oh, God. Not too much. They're both uh

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I probably talk to them more than you talk to yours.

Yeah.

Right, um, yeah, I don't think so.

Sure I do. Ever been to a seance?

Uh. Okay. It looks like it is about time for you to

drop a big deuce, Veronica

cause you're at maximum capacity.

No, really, I talk with 'em every day.

[buzzing]

That's why I'm not fucked-up like everyone

else at Crest-Pew.

[buzzing gets louder]

Uh, that's weird.

And you're not funny. All my parents do is work.

I can never see them.

You're lucky.

My mother's parental guidance is completely Draconian.

Speaking of parental guidance, it's a shame D-Day

has to waste his first day of winter vacation

here at school, watching us.

I think I'll send him home early.

[Indian Drum Music]

While pondering your erroneous ways, the six of you will write

a summary on the history of Crestview Academy.

Which, after the holidays, Headmaster Nash will have the

glorious pleasure of reading at a dedication for

this very library.

And now, I leave you.

[KEYS CLINKING]

And these finely crafted double doors will remain locked

until I return for lunch, another jaunt to the restroom,

and perhaps, a quick chat.

And when he returned, the room was filled with blood.

Dun-dun-dun -dunnnn.

Joking . You know, 'cause of the ghost and stuff?

Right then. I'll be off,

unless there's anything else I'm forgetting?

What?

Nice shot "champ." Try doing that in the game.

Don't look at me like that.

[Craig] Stupid.

There's room for more. I'm sure you're familiar

with that phrase.

Uh..I don't have one.

Dr. Day, don't you know he's the token welfare kid?

And do think of this entire building as one very large

non-smoking section. It would be a pity if we had to spend next

Saturday here because one of you had a nic-fit.

[squeaking fart noise]

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

But, his name is Dr. Day.

And now it's Willie. Willie Makeittotheshitter?

I don't get it.

She put eyedrops in -

D-Day's coffee.

Great, so who's gonna let us out for lunch?

Or when you need to release the Krakken?

[MUSIC with Indian Drum Beat] Ohhh....

Well, now that D-Day is gone, I think

we should all get togeth-

Hold it! God damn it. Alright. New kids?

Let's get one thing perfectly clear. We're in detention.

Yeah, this is not a "love-in." This is not a hippy

commune like that sad, filthy, flaming turd known as

Megan, what's it called? What's it called?

Uh...the Burning Man.

Burning Man. And this is not the fucking feel-good 80's movie of

the year, where for 7 hours, we put aside our diffs and

through commiserating about our mutually

dysfunctional family lives, or how lonely or alienated

we each feel, we find some sort of common ground, and end up

as BFFs. Okay? So let us understand, there is no "us"

There is no "we." Because I don't do "we." I just do "me."

Well then, I'm out like a boner in sweatpants!

[Spooky Indian Drum Beat Music]

[retching]

[thunder clap]

[cell phone rings]

Carlos, you call my P-O, yet?

God Damn it, Carlos! Between you, and the cast of

"Less Than Zero," I'm going to snap, man!

[thunder clap]

[cell phone beeps - battery low]

Shit! Carlos? Look. You gotta call my...uh...

Officer Lewis okay? And tell him

[Veronica] You dropped something.

You may want to grab it or one of these uber-sized roaches

will eat it.

Looks official. Can I read it?

Uh...

[thunder rumbles]

I think I should start on the assignment.

This library really is haunted you know?

Right. I'll be careful.

If you came in here to jerk off, I won't tell.

But you gotta let me watch.

C'mon, can't I get a repeat performance?!

That's not how it happened!

Jeez, I was just kidding.

[Teacher] Prior to the eighteenth century,

the tribe inhabited much of northern Texas.

During the Lipan's history, they have engaged in extremely

violent battles with a number of opposing forces

in attempt to maintain their land.

Can I borrow a pen?

No. No you cannot.

The legends of the Lipan Apache

are pivotal to understanding their spiritual connection

Ms. Gleason?

Yes, Matthew.

Can I go to the bathroom?

Make it quick please.

The legends of the Lipan Apache are pivotal to understanding the

[raspberry fart noise]

Veronica. Office, now!

Shit.

Thank you...Max.

The legends of the Lipan apache are pivotal to

understanding their spiritual connection to the land.

Due to the fact that the entire tribe was nearly exterminated,

there is almost no ethnographic or scientific information

about them.

You did that on purpose.

She deserved it. Okay? She deserves a lot worse.

It used to be our parents' jobs made them boring and mean.

But now, we're boring and mean.

I'm not boring. I'm bored. And my parents are dead.

So are mine.

[spooky music]

God. Stupid.

[faint rock music]

[kids hooting and hollering]

[I can't pay my rent, but I'm fucking gorgeous]

[I got big lungs that could kill your chorus]

[If you want to try, you better come inside]

[I can't pay my rent but I'm fucking gorgeous]

[Tell me something I don't know]

[Tell me something I don't know]

[Tell me something I don't know]

[Tell me something I don't know]

[You can't]

[Because you don't.]

[I don't drink booze, because my heart's explosive]

See? I told you! She's crazy!

turn it off.

Bring the dancing girl to my office.

I'll deal with the pervert.

No. Uh. It's not

Don't touch me sticky boy! My office!

It's just my zip

My Office!

I will not have you skanking it up in my classroom!

Get off that desk!

The remix is way better.

Word. Gotta love the YouTube.

Not as much as my father's law firm. He's going

to make a mint suing them. And whoever uploaded that video.

I know that everyone at Crestview thinks I'm

Arrogant

Smarter, than everyone else. And I am. But when you

deal with as many haters as I do, it taxes your nerves.

Interesting. Stress leads to "Girls Gone Wild."

Look who's talking.

Look who's stripping.

Ooooh.

Practicing witchcraft might make someone a freak but not a slut.

Right.

But I might be both.

Cool.

But you telling me, that you get one little catty

note too many. It's a fucking joke!

Look. I'm telling all of you, like I told Dr. Day,

like I told the school board, I've been stressed!

And on the advice of a really, really, really

expensive lawyer, I've said all I can say.

I know, right? And she's the fucking nerd of this party.

And you're the fucking freak who says she talks to corpse.

Obviously. She's talking to you.

Aww...You two. Metal and Goth come together

in the haunted library. It's really sweet.

Don't patronize me, bitch. My parents are not on your

mommy's pay roll.

[thunder rolls]

And this place is haunted, and everybody knows it.

It happened last year when that old dude died.

My first year at Crestview, and the school fucks over

this geriatric Indian, to take his house.

Then demolishes it to build, this.

Really? An Indian? You know and "Indian" Indian?

Strange, but true, Scooby-Doo.

[thunder rumbles]

And ever since then, this entire school has been cursed.

All that haunted library shit is shit.

[Thunder rumbling louder]

You afraid of ghosts, tough guy?

You know this cast is going to come off one day,

right, tough guy?

We could find out if this place is cursed

if you really wanted to.

How?

Yes.

Howwww?

Wow. Jesus fucking christ.

[electronic beat music]

The pictures are familiar to the spirit.

Spread them on the table.

They look really angry.

I would be too. Since this guy, General Andrew Winston Clark,

stole some land from an Apache tribe, back in the 1870s.

Land that became Crestview.

Clark? Any kin to you?

No way. This guy led a whole calvary into battle.

But he did steal the land and kill a bunch of natives.

So, it's a tough call.

Do you really worship the devil?

I do not worship the devil.

I just promote him.

Okay. Everyone, open your minds and your thoughts.

Pretend you're in one of D-Day's bullshit

new age therapy sessions.

[mimicking Dr. Day] Relax your mind, Mr. Cook.

And tell me what you feel and what you see, and

Oh my God. Those tests.

His psych evals are ridiculously in-depth.

I saw boobs. And rock.

Awesome. Who wants to be the medium?

Aren't you the medium?

I can't be the medium, I'm the guide. Someone else

has to be the medium, and so, Tricia's the medium.

What? Me?

Look, if you guys are really scared, we don't have to

Scared? No, I'm not scared. Let's do this.

Don't worry, I'll guide you as you're channeling the spirit.

The ringing of the bell will signify the spirit's presence.

Everyone, join hands.

[thunder rumbles]

Whatever we do, our hands must stay clasped,

to keep the circle unbroken.

Now, together, breathe in unison.

[coughing]

You okay?

Everyone, move into a welcoming state. Imagine a time you were

eagerly awaiting someone coming into town: a friend, a relative.

Then focus on the presence we want to join us.

We welcome you, spirit. Are you there?

Tricia, tell the spirit we feel his presence here.

We feel your presence here.

Tricia, tell the spirit to show us his presence.

Is the presence circumcised?

Maybe he's not packing a very big presence.

Tricia, tell the spirit to show us his presence.

Spirit? Show us your presence.

Well, that was fun.

Man, I told you, this is some bull

[bell rings]

Keep your hands together! Don't break the circle!

You're doing this! This is a trick!

No, I'm not doing anything!

[indian drum beat music]

What happened?

Meg? Meg? Breathe Meg!

Megan!

You don't see it?!

[music stops]

Oh shit.

Wait. Is she? Is she really?

What the fuck, man?!

Jesus, what the hell? What the fuck is your problem, man?!?

I'm sorry, I thought, I thought that you guys she's,

she's really

Yes! She's really fucking dead, you assholes!

God.

D-Day has our phones.

And the construction crew is gone during winter break.

Everyone's gone during winter break.

[cell phone beeps - low battery]

Oh shit. Out of juice. Okay. I got maybe enough for one call.

9-1-1?

Wait! If they put you on hold, we're fucked.

Carlos. Yeah Carlos never leaves his work.

Carlos! Carlos, listen to me, listen to me

[phone beeps - battery dead]

Who the fuck is Carlos?!

[electronic frantic music]

Just hit it open Craig!

Jesus, dude, you're just gonna split your crutch!

Damn!

Stop! The axe will break! Okay, these doors

are titanium steel alloy!

Hold this.

[thunder]

[thunder]

We're trapped.

Yeah. With it.

Jesus, it's just the storm messing with the lights.

Oh yeah? What about the bell?!

It's wind drafts blowing.

That was not a wind draft!

I don't know.

Like he said. It was the wind.

But I saw it! Okay! All of you saw it and heard it, too!

Either a fuse or a transformer got hit and overloaded

the lights. Okay, it makes a low pitched wailing sound

like we heard in the room.

Please stop debating light distortions and sound waves,

and figure out what we're going to do!

I don't know. Let's check our backpacks.

What is this?

Uh, that?

[buzzzz]

Study hall can be so boring.

I got a cable wire. I got nothin'

What's this?

What is that?

Perhaps a letter of commendation?

Crest-peww mails them to all their future world leaders.

What's the matter? You don't trust me?

Do I need to?

It couldn't hurt.

Yes it would.

Tricia? Your backpack?

A backpack?

Just take it out.

What do you have?

Ooh! Ahh...

Hey! Hey!

Oh my goodness!

You know we've got bigger stuff to deal with than judging you.

Holy shit, I am so relieved. Really!

You sneaky little mother fu...

I don't know how it got in there! I swear I didn't take it!

Last week, in the lunchroom, like that , you didn't take it?

I don't know what he's talking about!

Alright, don't listen to him!

He's not a good person!

I'm talking about this! In the lunchroom.

I figured out what you pulled.

Hey! Watch it!

Sorry!

Hey, can I get a napkin?

No.

Hey, listen, asshole! I just want a napkin.

Oh. Sorry.

A leader remains calm in the face of adversity, Mister Clark.

And I am. Just like you taught me.

Excellent.

Veronica! Office! Now!

Look. It wasn't her fault. Okay? It was an accident.

She didn't mean to do it.

No. She did. She always means it.

And what about Megan ? Hmm?

Was her strip show one of your Leadership Mantras?

A detention does seem rather trite, but I'm afraid her father

carries a certain amount of influence.

However, if you are able to earn early acceptance to

Harvard as did Miss McDurst, then perhaps I can discuss

reducing your chores with Headmaster Nash.

Thanks D-Day. I'd appreciate that.

Right, then, I'll be off.

I believe I read something about a General Clark once.

Apparently, he was a most capable leader.

Who knows maybe

Maybe it skips a generation?

Perhaps.

Although, he wasn't very popular with the locals either.

Excuse me. Find your seats.

Hey!

Hey!

That dude stole my soup.

[BROKEN MIRROR HOLDS A LEGION OF MY ENEMIES]

[EVERY SHARD CONTAINS A RIVAL WITH THE SAME FACE]

[HE TRIED TO FADE INTO THE CROWD OF DUPLICATES]

[TO HIS SURPRISE, I KNEW HIS GUISE]

[I'VE GOT MY DOPPELGANGER ON]

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Where you rushing off to?

Mister Clark! Here at Crestview

we frown upon attacking the retarded students.

He's not retarded. I was

I was just

You were just on your way to my office Mister Clark.

But Tarek stole my soup!

You stole food from a wheelchair bound retarded boy.

I'm not retarded!

Of course not. Good for you.

Mister Clark! Let's go!

You too!

Are you okay?

That has to be the most

bullshit story I've ever heard in my life.

You believe me, right?

I only saw you tackle the retarded kid.

I swear! I did not take Megan's inhaler!

He's the criminal. Not me!

Then why wasn't the inhaler in my backpack?

Perhaps, there have been things that have recently

caused me some stress. Okay?

And I may or may not have always acted rationally.

Okay. You! - allof you - don't understand.

You don't understand my father. Okay?

He does not tolerate failure. I must get into a good school.

So you're saying

What I'm saying is that today, in this library,

I did not steal Megan's inhaler.

What I'm saying is, how did it get in your fucking backpack?!

I don't know!

Sha-zam! The Crest-pew Intranet in full effect!

Took some digging in the local papers, but

I found our dead Indian.

Jacob Rainwater? Not much of an obituary.

Rainwater is survived by one family member

prior to the city taking possession of his home, he was

housed at the local psychiatric ward for a month, before he

jumped out a window .

The city of Crestview has been declared executor

for the Rainwater estate.

Wouldn't next of kin take possession of his house?

It's Crestview. Property taxes reside somewhere in

Never-Never Land.

I doubt any of his kin is a real high roller.

Poor old guy died broke and alone.

I bet you can relate, huh?

Look, all of this is just a coincidence.

I don't believe in coincidences.

Neither do I. And there is no such thing as ghosts.

Exactly. And thank you.

And fuck you for the shit you said before that.

All of us were in that room!

We were all holding hands! I did not steal her inhaler.

Maybe Tarek is telling the truth!

The lights, the bell, the draft, all of those fucking roaches.

Something is in here...with us.

[ominous music]

It's him. It's Rainwater. He's here.

Or, it's just the storm messing with

[wind blowing]

A wind draft!

[ghostly bellowing]

I've got to get out of here. I gotta get out of here right now.

You're not going anywhere!

Can't you just get rid of it?!

It's not like your last pregnancy, okay?

That was me, you assholes! Up here! Look what I found!

Wow! It's a convincing, logical end to this argument!

This is the sound ghosts make to scare douchebags!

oooooooh, douchebaaags, oooaaa, Judas Priest.

[Thunder Claps]

Air flows from the outside vent right into this room,

which means there might be a way out.

It's a maze up there, but I think this duct may empty

out into the vent right above the parking lot.

So we go get my cable wire, tie it around someone's waist,

and follow our way back to the vents.

Meaning your waist.

Who elected him leader?

You did.

Injured.

Hamas.

Scared and worthless, and that's before any of this happened.

And, it's a toss up. Either "can't fit" or

"too fuckin' stupid."

Your choice.

Bitch!

Shut up, Craig. She's right!

I never said I was going back in there.

Look, you may or may not be sane.

And maybe you're not related to any famous Generals,

but if any of D-Day's poking and prodding has helped

release a new and improved Matt Clark, I need him.

You've been up there once, you can do it again.

If you don't go, who knows how long we'd be stuck here.

Trust me, Matt.

[classical music]

Ugh. I've got to get myself to the hospital.

I would take you, but I have deliveries.

Deliveries?

Yeah. Maintenance and deliveries. That's my job.

No, no, no, Max.

You need to stay here and keep an eye on the kids.

Max! Dr. Day! Max! Max! Up here!

I'll be quick.

[fart]

I'll hold the fort.

Up here! Maaaax!

[eerie music]

Ahhhhhhh.

Ewww. Gawww. Ewwww. Ugghhh.

[electronic beat music]

[electronic beat music]

Oh shit!

Someone got a nasty progress report.

That's not what you think.

Really? Because I think it's your transcripts from a

local hoosegow.

f we could call the cops would your parole officer tell

us why your record's been sealed?

It was sealed because I was a minor.

And it was a juvenile detention facility. Not jail.

And I did my time. Okay? So if you guys are

waiting for some big reveal, forget it!

In juvee, were you raped?

Like a lot?

I told you. He's a fucking liar and anything but a good person!

Shut up terrorist!

Placed under the same scrutiny of the law that I was

You'd be stoned to death.

You crackhead. You'd get the needle.

You'd die alone in your cell.

And you? You would be hanged. Oh, and I'd enjoy it!

[dance music]

Excuse me. Do you have any Katy Perry or Britney Spears?

Oh, let me check. Oh, no sorry I don't!

Who doesn't have any Katy Perry or Britney Spears?

Jesus. Everybody wants something from someone at this school.

I don't want anything from you.

Really? Why not?

Because I don't think anything will help.

Ay ay ay, I hate this mascot shit.

Move!

Damn! Tricia?!

What?

When I said I wanted a bitch with me on stage,

I meant my bitch.

Not the bitch.

What can I say Craig?

CrestView demands a strong Indian Princess. And that's me.

It's not like your mother had anything to do with the voting.

Ugh. If voting actually worked, Crestview would

make it illegal.

This entire school is about you. Every year. Every day.

Let me have my day. I'm just saying.

You really don't get it do you? See, I thought my mother

and her associates made it perfectly clear to you.

Everyone has scars. I know how you got yours.

What if everyone else did?

How does it feel knowing your entire life has been bought?

I don't know, Craig. Why don't you ask your daddy.

My mother bought him a long time ago.

So, I'd be very careful what you say and who you say it to.

Poor old Governor Wilkes.

Always propping up that hole in her billfold!

Apaches, let's show some school spirit for Headmaster Nash!

Boo!

Thank you! Now it is time

Now it is time to play a song for the guy who

said he doesn't want anything from me.

Students! Take a good look at Miss Harmon.

Don't end up like her!

Max!

Tricia! Tricia! Tricia! Tricia!

One guess who put the bowl of punch above the stage.

One guess.

Craig?

What?

Well, you don't actually. You actually believe him?

He's a jailrat!

He's a piece of shit!

He's a broke little bitch. He's undercrust! He's

A guy with proof.

Is that your dick?

That's my zipper.

Okay. Good. 'Cause for a second I thought.

[Veronica whistles]

And our next feature presentation?

Aww, you two. Deception meets bitterness

in the haunted library.

Bastard! Why the fuck would you do that to me Craig?

Why the fuck did you do that to me? Answer me!

Okay. Hey!

You think you hate me because I'm rich, popular, and banging a

different bitch every weekend. But that's not why you hate me.

I think that's why I hate you.

No. You hate me because I have options.

Any virtue you might have, is because your options

are limited. Maybe you're not such a gangster after all.

Maybe because you can't afford it!

Well, that's actually kind of insightful asshole!

Exactly. Two pretentious assholes

Shut up!

Both of you are just as pretentious as we are.

Your ordinary little friends would slit your throats for

hanging out with us.

And you'd slit your own throats before letting anyone

know how ordinary you really are.

Fuck you!

Why? Because he's wrong? Or because he's right?

Not you.

Not this broke mother fucker.

Or some coke head queen who gets a Kool-Aid cum stain

on their dress is worth me getting upset.

I'm getting out of here. That's my focus.

And none of you are worth the distraction.

I don't think our ghost cares about your personal

goals and failures, hotshot.

Good. Because he's a shitty lay.

Whatever.

And one seriously dumb nigger.

[dark brooding music]

That was so not Twilight.

Bitch! I will fuck you up!

Whoa! Stop it! Stop it! That's enough!

Get your hands off.

Stop it! Back off you two! God! You are both just you

And there's no turning back! Do you really believe your

parents' money can buy you out of who you are and the shit

that you do?

[Thunder Rumbles]

Check it out: A second class criminal lecturing me

on morality.

I've been smelling your bullshit since we walked in here.

I saw the detention list this morning. Your name wasn't on it.

Why are you in here? With us? C'mon, you can tell me

Juvee, Jailbird, Gangsta, What did they lock you up for?

You know, the next time a guidance counselor

tells you to "just be yourself"

Don't.

Wai, wai, wai, wai, wait! Where is Tarek?

[Thunder Clap]

Sneaky little mother fucker!

Well, he is Arab. Or Armenian? Or something with curly pubes.

Yeah, fuck it!

That little guy was scared shitless.

But he still went for it. It's not like he saw

a floor plan.

Tarek's dad built this place!

Pull up that article about Rainwater's house.

[Thunder Rumbling]

On behalf of the city, McDurst & DeLaney filed suit

to acquire said residence from the deceased.

McDurst?

Megan's father.

And the city councilman who drove the

ordinance against Rainwater?

And since mommy owns everyone's daddy, what part did she play

in all this? Hmm?

Jesus, Matt! Didn't you see the sign outside? Who do you think

this library is named after?

The school gets a new library.

Our parents get guarantees we graduate.

No matter what.

[thunder rumbles]

With honors, I'm sure. Still think this is a coincidence?

I don't know. But man,

their parents are way bigger douchebags than I thought!

At least they can afford to keep us out of the joint.

Right. But your parents are still way bigger

douchebags than he thought.

God. As soon as I get out of this fucking hellhole, I'm

going to call my parole officer.

[Electronic Buzzing]

[Animal Growl Sound]

Oh my God! It's him! Craig?

Craig! No!

I'm not fucking around!

I know this is a trick!

Then why do you have a gun?

Because he's scared!

Because he knows that this whole fucking place is cursed!

This place is not cursed! There is no such thing as ghosts!

Fuck!

[LOUD HOWLING SCREAM]

Help! Matt! Matt!

they gave the last full measure of devotion. That we here highly

It's the storm messing with the lights.

Shall not have died in vain that this nation under God.

I'm way more impressed with that Hologram-o thingy now.

Holy shit! Can we get the fuck out of here please?

Mother fucker!

[Haunting Ghost Voice]

Whatever you are, whatever you want, it wasn't me!

[Ghostly Howl]

Alright, You want revenge?!

Go find my father! Go Kill him!

He's the one that made the deal with the school! Not me!

[Ghostly Laugh]

Okay. You go find Tricia. And I'll get Craig.

Oh!

He fell, He fell down the steps! He fell down the steps!

You, you fucking killed him!

No! He was shooting the gun. I was trying to make him stop!

No! Please! Stop!

Please! I'm fucking scared, man.

Of what? Ghosts? Ghosts? Are you kidding me?!

The fucking scariest thing at this school is you!

[Thunder Clap]

Eeuuhh!

Okay. Tricia took some pills that she had she's less, Tricia.

Good. 'Cause if I start screaming, I don't need

some crazy bitch screaming over my screaming.

You seem pretty chill now.

Oh, no thanks!

Sorry I blew your cover. I'm just, freakin' out and

Don't sweat it.

Bad news travels fast at Crestview.

It took them a while to kick you out.

You know about those aptitude tests that they give the

students at Crestview?

Twenty nine.

Thirty five.

But, that's a perfect score.

Yeah, I work on carburetors and shit.

Hmm.

And apparently, the school's average needed a

little help this year.

By the way, your name was not on the detention

list this morning.

I thought

You thought you'd weasel your way in here

and give everyone the finger. And then what?

I don't know.

I don't know. It was pretty dumb, I guess.

Yep.

Yeah not as dumb though as ghosts and demons and

Indian curses.

But even if you don't believe in ghosts and demons.

Just be careful.

Yeah, I'll make sure to keep any accidents away from you.

I didn't know Clarks possessed such strong leadership skills.

Yeah. I must be rising to the occasion.

I know. I can feel it against my thigh.

Oh sorry. I hate those fucking things.

I'm just scared and well you wanna fuck?

There's someone outside! That's my mother's Town Car!

It's the Janitor!

Max?

Yeah.

Max! Max!

Max!

Max! Max!

Max!

Ahhhh.

[nail gun shooting]

Dude.

Wow, Jesus Fucking Christ!

[THUMP]

Thirty four.

Thirty four?

The entrance exam. I scored thirty-four.

Well done. You like to work on carburetors for fun, too?

That's supposed to be funny, right?! Because I don't even

know what a carburetor is! No matter how hard I try,

my mother would never trust me to do anything on my own.

All those people who work for her, she treats them like

property. She treats me the same way.

Where's Veronica?

I begged my mother to let Rainwater keep his house.

I told her I could graduate without this fucking library.

Tricia! Where's Veronica?!

She just looked at me with contempt.

You know what?

You and your mom sound like the exact same person to me.

[Electronic Music]

I have to leave, Matt.

No problem, I got it.

Hey! Could you um.

No!

No. The paint bucket!

Oh Uh, No!

Tricia, these two are starting to crack.

No one knows dick.

We're out of here in 6 months. What's the problem?

Look! I got into Harvard by myself. I don't need your

parents' donation to Crestview. Or my parents' donation.

Or my parents for that matter.

Wow. And I thought you were smart.

But really you're just opinionated.

Thank you, Veronica.

You know I was thinking

Veronica. Office. Now!

Girls! Letters are here!

Whooo! Whooo! Letter!!!! Tricia! Come on!!

Goodie! "Letters!"

Because nothing is more fun than spelling shit. Seriously.

Guys! We say nothing. We graduate. Go to college.

And move on with our kick ass fucking lives. Got it?!

Letters! Everybody! The Letters!!!

You're "A" Darcy. "P" is for you. There you go. And "E!"

Claire is Captain, Tricia! So she is always in the center.

So she is always the big "C."

Everyone knows you're an "H."

I get my trust fund after college.

I don't need this coming back to bite me on the ass.

What do you want us to do? Turn Tricia in?

I say we let Governor Wilkes do what she does best:

Take money. Throw it at a problem. Make it go away.

Or perhaps not. I heard her mother kicked Tricia out.

And doesn't want her coming back home even after the election.

Well, there you go. Even "Attila the Hen" is sick

of Tricia's bullshit.

We've got our "get out of jail free card." Let's use it!

Fucking man up, Craig. It's not like the cunt is going to

get the God damn electric chair.

And with her gone, I can keep you company this summer.

Look, I'm not going to take you guys down with me.

Go get Headmaster Nash. I'll tell him everything,

and I'll clear your names. It's my fucking mess.

So I'll let my mother deal with it.

Go! Before I change my mind.

Tricia! Drop those backpacks!

[electronic music playing]

It never stops with that kid.

Hey!

My office!

So, was it stress? Or maybe you were possessed

by a dead Indian? Or maybe

maybe I'm lying? Is that it, Tricia? Am I lying?!

Why? You have a disc of that too?

Yes! I did. I fucking dropped it.

It doesn't even matter. Who would believe you?

Who would believe one word you say? This is my school.

Everybody knows me. And everybody loves me.

They would be on my side because they

wouldn't know what to do without me.

It's called influence. It's called power. You don't have

enough of either for anyone to believe you're right.

I don't need to be right. I just don't need to know you.

[nail gun fires]

Ahhh!

You piece of shit! Don't talk to me like that!

You're undercrust! Nobody talks to me like that!

Easy, Tricia!

Don't tell me what to do! Nobody tells me what to do!

I'm not doing that. You can do anything you want.

You're God damn right, I can.

ut Tricia if you kill him, it's "Good bye, out-of-state college

condo" and "Hello, mommy's guest house."

I mean, c'mon the scandal? Your mom. Even if you

were acquitted, she'd never let you out of her sight again.

Which means no escape from her and her

Draconian parenting, right?

That's it. Easy, Tricia. You just won Apache Princess.

One final "Fuck you!" from Craig to Tricia.

Looks like visiting hours are over.

For an Indian, he didn't put up much of a fight.

Owww! God-dammit!

Careful, we don't want to leave behind any physical evidence.

God! Get that camera off of me!

Craig, if that video ends up on the Internet,

my mother's going to be more than disappointed.

Tricia! That scarf is cashmere!

Guys. Guys. We've got to get out of here right now.

Okay? The cops will be here any minute!

We're screwed!

C.C. Signing off from the 14th floor!

Wow. And I thought

Go ahead and do it. My mother's going to cut your heart out.

Considering this could sink her whole battleship

she might even put me on the payroll!

You know what?

I should put one through that tiny little heart of yours.

Yes! Yes, you should.

But she's not worth it.

Your leadership mantras really suck!

Look. I think I know how to get rid of this

Native American wraith.

Veronica. There are no ghosts.

No. He's real. He didn't care about the money.

He just wouldn't sell.

[Thunder Clap]

Look. I never held a seance before.

I mean not one that actually worked.

Okay, please. I know you think this is all crap.

But if this helps her from freaking out, or acting like

oh God, like I give a shit. But I think this will help me.

What do you say?

[thunder clap]

This isn't going to work with three people.

It, uh should. I usually contact my parents alone.

Somebody else has to be the medium this time.

You brought the spirit in. You're the one who must

escort it out.

I can't. I'm the one who

Tricia. You have to do this.

Fine.

Join hands.

And remember

Don't break the fucking circle. I got it!

Jacob Rainwater, are you here with us?

Jacob.

Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jacob? It's time for you to leave.

[wind howling]

[door closes]

Veronica?!

Veronica?

If you make it out of here alive tell Tricia to go fuck herself.

We need to get out of here.

Tell me it's you. There is no ghost. It's just you.

Tricia. I didn't kill anybody. I don't want to hurt you.

I just want to get out of here.

[ghostly bellow]

Tricia.

Tricia! hahahaha.

Tricia.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Come on! It's fucking cold in here!

Ugghhh. Gross!

Hello, Mr. Clark.

Hmm. Wasn't he a Muslim?

Well, Tarek may not have had his father's drive to succeed,

but he sure had his spunk.

I wasn't expecting to see him pop out of that vent.

Last night Max almost found the ghost setting up in here.

Pshh, like I'm nervous the 'tard might catch me.

Go make sure the 'tard isn't lurking about,

ready to come lumbering in.

Ugghhh.

Hey, she's into older men.

Man she really bought all these ghosts and demons shit, huh?

All Clear!

May I have Craig's gun back?

No.

Giving students behavior and personality tests, finding out

what they will and won't respond to is part of my job.

Learning how to trigger emotional outbursts is the perk.

You, Mr. Clark, were of course, a complete disappointment.

Ah ah ah ah ah.

Boobs? Judas Priest?

Although, I'm not sure Craig's actually worked.

I think he really hated Tricia. Or loved her.

There were supposed to be five! I believe the

office sent your uncle a letter, Mr. Clark. School policy.

I thought if Tricia saw this, she'd finish you off.

But she kind of choked. So I had to get creative.

But, why?

Synopsis: A group of seemingly normal, well adjusted,

well-to-do teenagers are killed inside a cursed library

built on land that, coincidently, all their parents

have insidious vocational ties to.

Instant best seller. I mean, the book, the movie,

the TV series...we'll make a mint! I know.

The irony is crazy huge, right? I mean, c'mon.

Are you really bummed that they're all dead? Really?

Really?!?!?

This school, sucks.

I'm sorry Matt. But it just makes sense. Somebody has

to be the psycho. And it's perfect. You're new.

You're a felon. And you know you're poor.

So, it's an easy sell.

I mean c'mon. You beat up retarded kids.

He's not

Wait wait wait what did you do to get thrown into Ju-Vee?

Go fuck yourself!

You're sexy. But money and fame are a little sexier.

[whack]

You think Paris or Lindsay ever served detention?

What a bitch! She was supposed to pretend to poison me.

I'm running around vomiting all over the sidewalk,

switching lights and carnival sounds off and on

like a circus chimp.

Hiding from Max. Chasing Tarek about.

It's really cold out there!

Some insurance against spiteful parents who may not

approve of my new book.

Ahhh...There. Now we're good.

[Sirens in the distance]

Oh, nice work, Max.

I guess the 'tard can do something right.

Oh! I almost forgot!

This is the Police department.

There! Now we're good.

[BOOM]

Craig's gun still has one more bullet left in it. Coincidence?

Or supernatural? You decide.

Please don't think ill of me. I know the money, the fame,

will never cover the damage these kids have done to others.

You see, I believe that a certain amount of reparations

are overdue. Long overdue.

These kids had to pay back what they've been

taking all these years!

[Heart Beating]

[muffled cop voices]

[ears ringing]

I expelled that miscreant days ago. Why was he still here?

That's some bad kid.

In all my time as a teacher, never have I seen a greater

blight on organized education than Mr. Clark.

Like a massive gravity sinkhole,

he deforms every positive thought he encounters.

before sucking it into a vortex from hell.

Well. Don't blame yourself, Mister Nash.

Why would I?!?!?

Excuse me sir. I need you to step away from the evidence.

Sorry, Officer.

What do yo got there?

What does that say? Does that say Remington?

Uhhh, Rainwater.

Jacob Rainwater. He was an artist. A sculptor.

Before this library was built, this land was his home.

Until a man with an army came

and took it all away!

Mr. Rainwater, we're going to need you to stay here

for a while right here. We're probably going

to have some more questions for you.

Yes, sir.

[muffled] No! No!

And so there's nothing more to discuss.

And nothing more to involve us in this incident?

And that is that.