Original subtitles

♪

ALI SULTAN: Stand-up comedy is a very new thing

in the Middle East.

Most of my family,

the closest thing they can compare it to is a clown.

So like, "Oh, you're like a clown

without a--like a big nose, then, huh?"

I'm like, "Yeah, sure."

MARLENA RODRIGUEZ: Being Hispanic,

there's so many gender roles,

there's so much you can or cannot do this

entirely just because you are a woman.

I would ask why can't I do the things

that my brothers are doing and I would be told,

"Because you're a girl."

It's not really a reason.

♪

ALI: I don't really see myself

as a Middle Eastern comedian.

Like, when I wake up and I look in the mirror,

I don't see labels.

I just see who I am.

And then as soon as I leave the house,

I'm open for interpretation.

I've never really felt like a Middle Eastern,

I've always felt like me and I just wanna be me.

[laughs]

Awful high-five. The worst high five I've ever seen.

Is this on camera? Please delete.

My goal is to be out here not cookie-cutter

of what everyone wants that to be.

I wanna take that to the next level,

I wanna have my own show.

Oh yes, I also wanna have like a lot of husbands.

Like, I think my second husband is gonna be the one.

The fourth one will just be a thing when I was older

and wanted to support another human being

because I had so much money.

And I feel good about that.

[audience applause and cheering]

WOMAN: Please make some noise for Marlena Rodriguez.

♪

[laughing]

Thank you.

Oh.

Hi, everyone. I'm so excited to be here.

[audience cheering]

Thank you for also being excited to be here.

Uh, my name is Marlena

and I'd love if you guys remembered it.

Uh, a great way to do so is backwards,

it's "anelram."

[laughing]

My last name is Rodriguez but I'm actually not Hispanic,

yeah. I'm Her-spanic.

[laughing]

When I go to the bar, I drink whersky.

Or tequherla.

When I go the gym, I get cherseled.

That's chiseled, but for girls. Yeah.

It's when your vagina pumps a bunch of iron, gets very strong.

Uh, and then you get a better grip on that [bleep].

[laughing]

Which is very important to me because I give a lot of handjobs

and I do a very special move when I give

a handjob where I use my vagina, so...

[laughing]

So I'm very good at them.

I know I don't look very Herspanic

since I'm not wearing a hat made of bananas.

[laughing]

You know, that makes it very difficult for some of you, so.

But, uh, my parents also didn't teach us Spanish.

I think they really wanted us to assimilate,

which is why we spent so much time bowling.

[laughing]

You know, bowling, the only sport

nobody takes seriously at all in any way

until the exact moment they have to do it?

[laughing]

If there's something about throwing a giant marble

at what is essentially 10 baby legs that suddenly,

you have [bleep] to prove.

And it's always the same. It's always like, "Oh, my God.

It's so random that we ended up here on a Friday.

I mean, who even cares, right? Okay, don't even care.

So I'm gonna take my turn. Here I go."

[laughing]

[inhales]

[laughing]

Whew.

Yes.

Yes.

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

This is why I'll never meet my real stepdad.

[laughing]

My parents were I think as supportive

as immigrants can be.

They couldn't really look at me and be like,

"You can't just go outside the box.

Because they had always been working outside the box.

My mom is a personal trainer and fitness guru.

And my dad's always been an entrepreneur.

So together, they actually opened their own gym

for a while.

Uh, later, we, uh, lived in it,

but that's a different story.

My dad did say, "You need a backup plan,"

but just like any dumb high school kid,

I was like, "No. This is it."

And it is it. Isn't that insane?

I'll never forget the first time I got my period.

'Cause it was the last time my dad ever asked the question,

"What's new?"

[laughing]

And the first thing you have to do is you have to cover it up

like some kinda crime scene, you know.

And you got two options, you've got pads and tampons.

Now tampons are a gift from God.

Okay, they are tiny, they are clean, they are invisible.

You set it and forget it, okay?

But pads are from the Devil.

Okay, they are big and bulky. And when you put one on,

it looks like somebody ran up to you and was like,

"Here, hide this bag of rice!"

[laughing]

I know exactly where to put it and...

[laughing]

Put in here and be in middle school.

And so I wanted to--I wanted to use tampons so bad,

but my mom wouldn't let me because there's this stigma

like if you're a--if you're like, uh,

a pre-teen or a young teen girl,

using a tampon you're a whore.

And so, I had to wait a few years and, I did.

And the day finally came along where my mom was gonna teach me,

but for an unrelated reason, I was grounded.

And my punishment was now I was gonna have to teach myself

how to put in a tampon.

[laughing]

She was like, "It's easy. Okay?

Just put it inside yourself."

And I was like, "Great. Cool.

Easy. Quick question,

there's an inside myself?"

[laughing]

So I had to use the instructions,

which was terrible because I was just sitting on the toilet

just trying to get it to go into like any hole

that would take it, you know. Like, kind of like that toy

where like the square goes in the square hole,

the triangle goes in the triangle hole,

like, "Don't touch your butthole."

[laughing]

My parents are the most Hispanic

white people you will ever meet.

In that they are Hispanic and not white,

but boy would they love to be.

At the dinner table, it was always a fight

to see who had the funniest joke.

I always wanted to be as funny as my dad

and as funny as my brothers.

I first discovered comedy at UCB Theatre in New York.

On the show that night was Amy Poehler.

And she did this scene where she was running it

and she was being the funniest person in the room.

And it was so incredible to see a woman

just hold that much power over a bunch of men

and it just felt like,

"Oh, man. I wanna do that."

[laughing]

I'm single.

[cheering]

Yeah. I'm single.

I'm single but I'm ready to Christian mingle.

[laughing]

That's just when you've been single for so long

you're ready to date someone who believes in God.

[laughing]

That's how bad it is.

Uh, but here's why I'm single, okay?

I'm gonna ask you guys a question,

I want you to answer back with but please

be honest with me and with yourself.

Where are my single men with their [bleep] together at?

[laughing]

Yeah. They nodded.

These men do not exist.

I am more likely to [bleep] the Easter Bunny

than just meet a guy who in the past six years

has been to the dentist.

[laughing]

That's what we're dealing with, okay?

So we just settle for a man we affectionately

call "fine" and we move on.

And we live in denial with our friends.

Like, we'll be talking to our friend and we're like...

[laughing]

He prefers to live in a tent.

[laughing]

Does not define him.

Or, uh, my favorite in the case of Disney's Aladdin, yeah, okay,

he said he was a prince and he was really a street rat.

That happened.

Okay but it is not a deal-breaker that he can't

afford shirts, only vests.

[laughing]

Aladdin taught us to settle.

Aladdin showed us to settle.

Because Jasmine stays with Aladdin even though

he totally Joe Millionaire'd her.

[laughing]

Remember Joe Millionaire? Anybody remember Joe--

it was, uh, yeah, it was a--please don't clap for it.

Uh, you'll see why.

So it was like The Bachelor but before The Bachelor,

and what they did was they took these 20 women

and they made them compete for this man

who they said was a millionaire,

and then all the women were like, "Woo."

It was a lie.

He was just a construction worker off craigslist

and then we all watch feminism die.

It was a very good show.

[laughing]

So Jasmine finds out Aladdin is just some random hobo

in parachute pants with a hover rug.

And she just has to be like,

"You know, I actually love paying for things."

'Cause we all know that if you lie to a woman

and then tell her the truth and she's not cool with it,

well, then she's crazy.

[laughs]

We're only allowed to be two things.

[laughs]

Happy. [laughs]

And not on my period. [laughs]

[screams]

Today's actually a good day.

It is a good day.

[cheering]

Yeah.

Feel like as ladies at any moment we should be

entitled to just--in the middle of [screams]

[laughing]

Maybe we just need to do that really quickly,

kinda get it out there-- ladies, can you join me

in a quick one-two-three ah, okay?

Ready, one two, three...

[screaming]

Yeah, and that's what it feels like to be a woman.

[laughing]

So you can't do it out loud.

People will be like, "What's wrong?"

And I'll be like, "No, it's just my face."

And they'll be like, "No, you look very, very worried."

It's gotten me in trouble, like, in writer's rooms.

Where someone will be like, "Why are you looking at me

like that?" And I'll be like, "Oh yeah, yeah.

That's just my face. It's very expressive."

Like, oh, it's, uh, ugh, it's a problem.

It's really bad after sex.

It is super bad after sex.

What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.

It's just my face.

It's really bad [laughs]

I can get away with a lot with just,

like, some looks. I can get away with looks.

And I have--I just--I have so much fun

in those moments where I'm not say anything

and I'm just be in my body and acting it out.

God, I mean, I feel alive.

Being single isn't so bad, though.

You know, it just means you have to take care of yourself.

And I do. I did today.

Uh, I took care of myself today, I went to dominos.com,

ordered myself a medium two-topping pan pizza,

pulled up the pizza tracker,

masturbated to the progress.

[laughing]

Yeah.

Just went to town on that toolbar, you know.

'Cause there is no better feeling than both

you and your pizza coming.

[laughing]

It doesn't get better.

I went to Chicago and did Second City's Program.

Our last assignment of the, uh, semester was stand-up.

And I remember I worked so, so hard on it,

this was like--this was gonna be like my big push.

And I found it to just be so freeing to be writing

my own stuff,

and then to go ahead and do it on stage

and it did really, really well, like I'd--I pulled it off.

And the feeling of standing up there alone

and getting all the laughter that I'd heard with people,

like in improv, but being alone was just like,

"This is way better."

I don't know, I feel like men tend to romanticize

female masturbation and really make it

into something that it's not.

Like, I feel like you guys think of it

as like beautiful waterfall.

[laughter]

Romantic sunsets.

Fields of flowers blooming in slow motion,

no.

It's a lot more like a violent guitar solo just...

[laughter]

Guitarist tends to sneeze but can't.

So it was the--that was the aftershock.

[laughter]

Did it suddenly get so hot in here

or did my period just end...

Forever?

I actually met a producer from 30 Rock.

He read my stuff and I got hired.

And I moved to New York in, like, two weeks

which was an absolutely insane opportunity.

I'd actually made a goal for myself

that I wanted to work with Tina Fey

and then about a year later, I was.

It was insane.

First times are the worst.

They're the worst because you never know what's happening.

That's the whole nature of it.

But, ladies, do you remember the first time a guy

put his fingers in your mouth and you realize

he was trying to turn you on?

[laughter]

There it is. There it is right there.

Yeah, she's losing it. We can't forget it.

It's our 911, guys.

[laughter]

I wanna say you're laughing so hard, I'm so sorry

about what happened to you.

The keyword is realized, okay,

because nobody explains that to us.

You know, when the nurse is teaching sex ed,

she's not there with a diagram of the female body just like,

"All right. Well, these are breasts.

They are for feeding your future children.

And this is the vagina, it's for life and procreation.

And this is the mouth.

[breathes]

[laughter]

Listen, um,

men have convinced themselves this is a second vagina.

[laughter]

Do your best. I got nothing for you.

[laughter]

So, when it happened,

I had no idea and all I had was instinct,

it looked exactly like this.

[laughter]

It got even more confusing when his [bleep] showed up.

[laughter]

'Cause then when I knew I was supposed to touch but I,

still had no idea how. So, I was like,

"That's fine. [chuckles]

We'll just go all confidence on this one.

[laughs]

[laughter]

[laughter]

Come.

[laughter]

Come.

What do you mean it hurts?

[laughter]

This is what Jeeves told me to do.

Yes, the internet butler from 2001.

[laughter]

And that was one of those guys and we all have this person,

um, in our life, always usually an ex,

but that person who their face just pops into your mind

for just a quick hot second.

And you're just immediately like, "No!"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

No, no, no, no way.

[laughter]

Thank you guys so much. Bye.

[cheers and applause]

♪

Marlena Rodriguez, everybody.

Being on stage is truly the only place

that I feel like myself.

I have the freedom to talk about what I want.

I want to get to the point where

I've just got a bunch of people agreeing with me

with their laughter.

[laughing]

And it's not about being right, but it is about,

you know, essentially an audience is going,

"I see you and I hear you."

WOMAN: We are gonna get your next comic up on stage,

Ali Sultan.

[cheers and applause]

Hello. How are you guys doing?

[cheers and applause]

Good to be here. Thank you for coming.

I was, uh, I was outside of, uh, like

just outside, I was just outside

and I was waiting for my Uber and there were two men

engaged in a passionate conversation.

And then they noticed me there and they got quiet.

And then one of them said, "Where are you from?"

Like super aggressive.

And that's like that's code for

"I wanna stereotype you,

but I'm not sure where you're from."

[laughter]

"Can you help a brother out?"

[laughter]

That's what that is.

And I'm like, "I've been here for 15 years,

"I'm an American, like I know my people.

"My people are very bad at geography."

And I use that to my advantage to throw them off.

I made up a place that doesn't exist.

I said, "I'm from Cocolaconko."

[laughter]

And the guy looked confused and he said,

"Is that in Saudi Arabia?"

[laughter]

And then his friend laughed at him,

tapped him on his shoulders,

and he said, "No, you idiot.

"That is in Africa."

[laughter]

I know my people. [laughs]

I took them further.

I said, "You guys that's not, you're not right.

"You should go home and Google Cocolaconko.

"Here's how you spell Cocolaconko."

[laughter]

And then I went home,

and then I made a page on the internet...

[laughter]

for Cocolaconko,

I just made a page.

There's a link, so, in case they'd look it up,

they'll find this link. They'd click on it

and it's gonna say, "Cocolaconko is the world's

"smallest island located in the Bermuda Triangle."

[laughter]

"And the largest exporter of coconuts."

[laughter]

Official language, Hebrew and Spanish.

- Why not, right? - [laughter]

Population 300, also the inspiration for the movie "300".

[laughter]

And it says Cocolaconko is known for its slogan,

"Come for the coco,

"but don't forget to get loco, l'chaim."

[laughter]

It's fun.

There's are times that I go

like in towns of 500,

I do the road and then there would be like

people that haven't even seen a black guy.

I was like, "Oh, you'd definitely haven't seen

"a Yemeni dude, then," you know.

And whether you like it or not,

you're kind of an ambassador.

I'm not trying to like antagonize a crowd

or I'm not coming from anger.

I'm just trying to make people laugh

over something that I went through or observe.

I definitely have that unique perspective to share.

Deeply in love.

- I'm in love, man. - [cheers and applause]

I'm scared. I'm so in love

that I accidentally proposed to my girlfriend

which you should plan for sure.

[laughter]

Like, I can't even afford guacamole on my burrito

like I have no business proposing to people.

[laughter]

But, I was caught in this beautiful moment

where I knew she was like my--I don't wanna use it.

It's soul mate, I know she was my soul mate,

like, I know this was the person for me, forever.

Here's the moment, it's beautiful,

but it's, kind of, gross.

[laughter]

I had a mint in my mouth.

And for some reason, I had the urge to spit that

mint onto her mouth. I don't know why,

but it was the urge

and I'm that comfortable with her that I asked her.

I said, "Hey, open your mouth."

[laughter]

And she did right away which is the level of trust

you need in a marriage.

[laughter]

And I spat the mint [makes sound]

and I missed and it landed on her face.

- [laughter] - And it was stuck.

And then she picked it up. This was the moment.

She picked it up. She gave it to me

and she said, "Try again, Sweetie."

- [laughter] - And I thought, this is it.

That's love at its best, like, if you just, you know,

look past the weird thing, it's beautiful.

She accepted me for who I am

and then she encouraged me to go further

and we tried five more times.

[laughter]

And then we made it because we're not quitters

and then we high fived.

And then I was, like, "Babe, do you wanna get married?"

And she's like, "No."

- [laughs] - [laughter]

Sucked.

I'm happy to be in like in a healthy relationship,

uh, you know, it used to be really tough for me

to talk to the opposite sex.

I was born in Yemen.

I grew up in a very conservative small town

where it was not socially acceptable

to talk to the opposite sex.

It was not socially acceptable to mingle,

which is at scale you shouldn't have, you know.

Right? How else are you gonna, you know, find a person?

Like, I didn't know. And then I came here

and I had a big crush in school

and I didn't know how to talk to her,

so I just stared at her for a year.

[laughter]

And then on the last day of school, I thought to myself,

"Listen, if I get rejected,

"I got the summer off.

"I could convince my parents to move me

"to a different school, it will be fine."

And then I wrote a little poem, I had it memorized

and I walked up to her and she was cleaning her locker

and then I froze and I said,

"I like you," like I screamed it too loud.

[laughter]

And she said, "What?"

And then I said, "I like you." I whispered.

You shouldn't whisper. [laughs]

- It's creepy. - [laughter]

And then she said, "I'm so sorry.

"I have a boyfriend."

And I didn't mean to say this, but I said,

"I don't care."

[laughter]

I mean, she didn't know what to do.

So, she opened her locker

and then she pointed on the--

like a poster of a man and then she said,

"That's my boyfriend."

And then I said, uh, an Arabic proverb that says,

[speaks Arabic]

but, it's, like, it's innocent in Arabic,

but it doesn't translate well. I said--

I said you're gonna regret this. It's not...

- [laughs] - [laughter]

[cheers and applause]

It doesn't--

it's like an egomaniac proverb,

but in America, that's a threat.

It's...

I was born in Sana'a, Yemen.

I lived there until I was nine,

then I lived in Ethiopia for another four years,

and then I came to Minnesota,

and still live in Minnesota.

The first time I discover stand-up,

I was watching Conan O'Brien.

I was watching "The Late Night Show"

and then they had a stand-up comedian

and then I looked at him and I was, like,

"Whoa, like, that's me." Not me as a person,

but that's like a kindred spirit like that's what I feel like.

He embodied what I felt like inside and I was like,

"I wanna do that." That's-- it's just--it was so beautiful.

And then I started writing jokes,

I was 14, 15, just like learning English.

The first time I went on stage it felt right.

I was like, "This is it."

My mom got married in a year and a half ago.

This is her fourth marriage

because it's never late to find your soul mate.

[laughter]

And I said, "Congrats, Mom.

"You're the first Muslim woman to have four husbands."

[laughter]

"You're the Rosa Parks of the Middle East.

"Congrats."

[cheers and applause]

My mom is a Muslim, like I said.

I'm not like a good Muslim.

I--but I pretend to be one.

I believe in God. And then that's--

and everything is I'm unsure about.

And I don't say that to her.

I just pretend to be a Muslim

'cause I don't want her to worry about me going to hell.

I lie to her 'cause I'm a good son.

[laughter]

And I don't know if know anything about Islam.

It's very thorough, and it's on a day to day basis.

It's a lot of work.

[laughter]

Like, I have to make sure

I don't gain weight

during the month of Ramadan.

[laughter]

Like, I can't, like, be in pictures online

that involve alcohol or bacon

'cause that would end the relationship.

[laughter]

And that's really hard to do when you're wasted.

[laughter]

And I say this with the utmost respect.

I wish my mom was like Catholic or something

'cause that looks easier.

[laughter]

It looks like an easier thing to do

'cause you can do a lot of things, right?

Like, I can spend all my Saturdays

chasing whiskey with bacon.

[laughter]

And I'll show up to church on Sundays

and there'll be booze there to help my hangover.

- [laughter] - It's good.

My mom is like my personal hero,

because she's a beautiful soul.

It's like positive despite, you know,

enduring a lot of obstacles in her life.

We moved to America for the same reason

anyone moves here, you know, like, opportunity.

My mom was huge on education.

She wanted us to get the best education.

She wanted us to have fair opportunities.

You know, you can go to school in Yemen

and graduate as an engineer.

But you'll still be very unlikely

to get a job and live to your potential.

Unfortunately to her--for her, I, uh, I didn't--

I skipped the school in route and I got into stand-up.

Some people, uh, like, don't know where I'm from.

And sometimes they'll say things like,

you know, Somali or Puerto Rican.

You know, just close enough a little bit, right?

[laughter]

And it's--yeah, I get that. I know.

Sometimes they guess real wrong, like, the cops.

Like, I was once arrested 'cause the cops thought

that I was the Mexican guy they were looking for.

[laughter]

Which is weird 'cause at the time,

- I was not Mexican. - [laughter]

It was weird. A couple I never met

got into an argument.

And the husband was not a cool person.

He's a bad person. He attacked his wife.

He slapped her in the face.

The daughter witnessed this

and then she called the cops on her father.

He saw that.

And then he took off

on his bicycle.

[laughter]

It's like a villain on welfare,

he just took off on his bicycle.

[laughter]

And then at that exact moment,

I was not on a bicycle.

I was just walking on the sidewalk

just being all Mexican just...

[laughter]

And when the cops saw me.

They're like, "Yup. That looks brown enough.

Case closed. We got um."

[laughter]

And they arrested me. They took my ID.

They took my phone. They put me in the back of the car.

They drove three blocks, dropped me off

to this very confused-looking woman.

And she's like, "Who the hell is this guy?"

[laughter]

I was like, "Come on. Don't talk to your husband that way."

[laughter]

And I looked at the cop. I'm like,

"Dude, you went to school for this.

Like, you should be the best at this,

like you should be good, man.

You saw my ID. You read my ID. You have an Arabic name.

My name is Ali Sultan, not Alejandro. How do you--

[laughter]

--make that mistake, man.

And then the daughter came out and she's like,

"That's not my dad."

[laughter]

"That's not my dad." And I was like, "Nope.

"I'm your dad now. It's the law."

[laughter]

There's gonna do some changes around this house.

[laughter]

Rule number one, no snitching, huh?

[laughter]

First time I applied for a job, I was 17.

I was going through the questionnaires

and I stumbled up on a question that said,

"What race or ethnicity are you?"

It's for affirmative action. And then I tried to find,

like, the option that fits.

You know, Arab, Middle Eastern,

brown, whatever, right?

I could not find the option.

[laughter]

But I looked again under white

and I noticed under white in parenthesis it said,

"including all Middle Easterners."

And that was one of the best days of my life.

[laughter]

I liked the idea I was white and privileged.

I was like, "Whoa."

[laughter]

I went ice fishing for the first time.

[laughter]

And it felt okay, you know.

I own way too many flannel shirts.

And I think--I think us white people, right,

we connect on this, right, huh?

[laughter]

This is a leap of imagination,

but I feel like they do that to keep Jesus white.

[laughter]

It's a good thing where you're like Jesus,

you know, we're white.

Jesus remains as white,

that's not a bad idea.

So, I don't know like a lot of people.

I guess people don't know that the Lord is Middle Eastern.

[laughter]

It's brand new. Like, even, like, if you read the thing

in the scriptures and it has the--he had a beard,

like a robe, sandals.

If Jesus comes back,

I can't wait to see, like, the look.

[laughter]

I can't wait to see the look on bigoted people

who are scared of Muslim. They're gonna look at Jesus.

They're gonna be like, "Why does Jesus look so ISIS-y?

- "I don't..." - [laughter]

Like, the guy we love looks like the guy we hate.

I don't know how I feel about this.

[laughter]

My mom, like, if she's in a crowd,

I feel weird about saying, "Hey, I don't really subscribe

to religion the way that you want me to

or the way you thought I was."

And she said, you know, like, "As a parent,

"I wanted to see my kid succeed.

"And at first, I was not sure about it.

"You know, I wasn't familiar with it.

"And then when I first saw you,

"I was like, 'Oh, Ali's funny.

"Like, he got this.' At that point, I believed that,

"you know, this is the right path for you."

So, she's accepting of it.

[laughter]

When I was in 10th grade,

I was in ESL class to learn English and stuff

'cause I was just learning English, like, when I came.

And then the instructor was talking about 9/11.

And then at one point, she looked at me and she said,

"They hate us 'cause they're jealous of our freedom."

And then she kept staring

and that made me really uncomfortable.

And when I'm uncomfortable, I laugh.

[laughter]

That's why I'm up here.

Like, that's how I process things.

I just laugh, you know.

And I laughed, but I laughed too hard.

[laughter]

Like, it didn't look like it was out of discomfort.

It looked like I was plotting

against the United States of America.

[laughter]

She was like, "They hate us 'cause they're jealous

"of our freedom." And I was like, "Ha, ha."

And she's like, "You see?"

[laughter]

And I lived in the Middle East.

I lived in Yemen. And I can tell you this.

Yemen is the freest place that I've lived in.

And freedom is a little bit overrated.

Too much of it can be really terrifying.

Yemen was free, and I can prove it to you,

'cause we didn't have an operating government.

[laughter]

The government was not involved at all.

I've never seen cops.

You can do anything you wanted to do.

And it's really weird.

I once saw a baby, like a seven-year-old

smoking a cigarette just casually, just

no stress in the world just...

- [makes sound] - [laughter]

Just casual.

And I had to think on myself, "Oh, my God.

"Why is he driving this bus?"

[laughter]

That's why we come here.

Not for freedom, for rules and regulations.

[laughter]

- All right. - [crowd cheering]

Thank you.

Like nobody wants to live in a place

where an accountant can just get a bazooka.

[laughter]

You wanna be in a place where jaywalking

sometimes has consequences.

[laughter]

This is gonna divide the crowd, but I think--

I think not all, but some hardcore republicans

go to war with the Middle East

'cause they're jealous of our freedom.

[laughter]

'Cause a few are like a hardcore republican

and you follow, you know, your-your-your agenda,

the Middle East has the small government

that you always wanted.

[laughter]

I was--I went to a McDonald's, like, 2:00 in the morning.

I don't think I was sober.

[laughter]

And I went to that McDonald's and I got my food.

But I could not leave 'cause the guy ahead of me

was asked to pull up with his car and wait for his order

blocked the drive-thru with his car.

He rolled his window down and then he said,

"No one is leaving until I get my food first."

And then he got out of his car and just waited.

And then I thought I'd negotiate with him.

I got out my car and I said, "Hey, man.

Could you move?" He said, "No."

We got into a huge argument.

And then out of nowhere,

things escalated and then he pulled a gun on me.

And usually like that would scare me.

Usually, that's a scary situation.

If I see a gun, I would be scared.

But at the time, I was possessed

by the fearless spirit of Jack Daniels.

[laughter]

And I said, "Go ahead and shoot.

"I'm not scared.

"I'm from Yemen, son."

[laughter]

Which is badly like the dumbest thing

- I've ever said in my life. - [laughter]

As soon as that left my mouth, I was like, "No."

- [laughter] - "Come back."

Because, like, I didn't come all the way from Yemen

to die at a McDonald's drive-thru.

Right? [laughter]

I was--then I was scared for sure.

And then he heard Yemen and then he said,

"You're from Yemen?" He got excited.

He said, "You're from Yemen? I am from Palestine.

"Habibi, my brother." And then he just gave me a hug

with the gun on the back.

[laughter]

And then he said, "I'm sorry, man. I'm wasted.

"In my apologies, I'll make it up to you.

"Why don't you follow me and we'll go back to my place

- "and hang out?" - [laughter]

And then I was like, "Yeah. That sounds absolutely safe.

- "Let's do it." - [laughter]

Fifteen minutes later, I'm in his apartment.

I'm in his living room.

I'm probably 19 at the time. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm in his living room hanging out.

And then he said, "Excuse me, bro.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom."

And then he went to the bathroom

and he took about 20 minutes in the bathroom.

And the whole time I'm just looking at

that bag of McDonald's.

And I'm like, "Man, this would be funny

"if I just take that and leave."

[laughter]

That's the same bag he almost killed me for.

And I did. I took it.

I took the bag and I left a note

and I said, "I'm actually from Israel, son."

[laughter]

Which technically is not stealing

'cause God promised me that bag

3,000 years ago. - [laughter]

You guys have been lovely, thank you so much.

Have a goodnight.

- [cheers and applause] - ♪

WOMAN: Ali Sultan, everyone.

- [crowd cheering] - Yay.

I feel really connected with the crowd.

You feel it. You feel loved, you know.

Like, as soon as I'm done,

it's like I've never done a drug like, uh, coke.

But I feel I would assume it's the same thing.

It feels very euphoric. Yeah.

It's good.

Hello.

I'm super happy to have a voice

that hasn't been seen before.

Wow.

Thanks for coming.

- Enjoy the show? - Yeah, of course.

- It was amazing. I'm so happy. - Thank you. Thank you.

I'm so proud of you.

I aspire to be in a place where other Yemeni people

would feel encouraged to do stand-up

where it's not just me.

- Enjoyed the show overall? Fun?

- That was fun.

- The Jesus one was--

- The Jesus joke was your favorite?

[laughter]

That's good. I don't think of comedy,

"Oh, this is not gonna work out one day,"

'cause I'm gonna keep doing it until I die.

There's no options, no, this is it, man.

Don't tell my mom. This is it. [laughs]

♪