All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e10_English

[music]

KELSEY COOK: I just felt
like I had so many weird

embarrassing things
happen growing up

that I would then tell
my friends

about and make them laugh.

I think what started it
for me was masturbating

with a manicure tool
and ending up

in the emergency room.

Man: [laughing]

Stuff like that, that truly,

at its core when it's happening,

is like traumatizing.

To be able to take stories
like that,

tell a friend about it
and laugh with them,

yeah, it's a good feeling.

[laughing]

KIRY SHABAZZ: Me and my mom,
we're close enough.

We keep in touch.

Her addiction
was methamphetamine.

It wasn't a really good
environment.

So, my dad was, like,
let's bring them

to Cleveland and get them
out of California before,

you know.

I'm glad I dodged that bullet
because who would've known, man.

I would've probably been,
you know,

locked up in jail or dead,

and I bring that shit
to my comedy.

That's what I love about it.

- Growing up,
I wanted a lot of security.

I was gonna be a high school
math teacher

at the high school I went to,
got about halfway through

college with the math major
and was hating it.

I took a public speaking course
and I kept turning

my assignments into, like,
comedy skits.

I was having so much fun
just being creative with it

and my professor pulled me
aside and was like,

"You need to do something
with this.

You're good at it and there's--
there could be something here."

[music]

[laughter]

Man: All right.
You guys were a lot of fun.

You're in for a great night
of comedy.

So, I'm gonna bring up
the next comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen,
coming to the stage,

Kelsey Cook.

[cheers and applause]

[music]

KELSEY: What's up, you guys?
How we doing?

- MAN: Great.
- KELSEY: You good?

Oh, God. It is so nice
to not be performing

in my living room.
[laughter]

So nice.

I've been doing a lot
of virtual shows on my laptop,

and I've had to use
my cat tree as a mic stand.

It's been very bleak.

Right before
my last virtual show,

one of my cats puked two feet
from the stage.

I was like,
"Well, my opening act sucks."

What a gross bitch.

This is terrible.

Um, I feel like quarantine
has lasted so long.

Do you guys remember
the toilet paper shortage?

Doesn't that feel
like it was in '97?

[laughter]

Wow. I remember going into
CVS trying to find some

and they were only giving out
individual rolls from behind

the register
like they were bullets.

[laughter]

I just left that day

with one roll of toilet paper
and a fifth of Tito's.

Like "All right, 2020,
I'm just grabbing my ankles.

Let's just do it."

I've had a very weird year.

I got divorced
a week before COVID hit.

- Woo!
- Yeah. Anybody else?

Didn't think so.
Yeah.

Anybody gonna get divorced
by the end of quarantine?

Probably.
Probably some of you.

You know, it's okay, though.

We still have a lot of love
and respect for each other.

He's also a comedian.

So, there weren't a lot
of assets to split up.

Didn't have like a summerhouse
and a boat.

It was like "Do you want
the 'Batman Begins' DVD?

Who gets the good spatula?"

You know.

[laughter]

You know what I mean.

There's only two,
and one of them's good.

My ex-husband
and I are still friends,

still have so much love
and respect for each other.

We started dating when I was 22.

We were together
for eight years and it's--

I think almost impossible
when you start

dating that young,
your 20s are just so,

so much learning and changing

and working through things
together that I think

it's so different to meet
somebody when you're 22

versus if you're, like, 32.

But, yeah. I mean, again,
we have a ton of love

and respect
for each other, so, yeah.

Even though it's amicable,

it's still super painful
to go through a separation

especially during a pandemic.

I felt like I was on some COVID
hidden camera show called

like "Extreme Divorce"
Hosted by Guy Fieri,

just a lot of flames and ranch.

I liked being married, though.
I felt like I could relax.

We were together
for a long time and my friends

were always asking
like what our secret was.

One of them was like,

"So do you still wear
sexy lingerie for him or..."

I was like "Not since
I got married, sucker.

Ha, ha. I got him.
I am done trying.

Yeah. Paid my dues
to get this promotion.

All right?

I've been running a BJ 5k
for the last seven years,

and this ring
is the finish line.

So gonna go pop champagne
and ice my jaw."

Yeah.

Uh-hmm.

And I'm sure
some of you are like,

"Well, that's why
you got divorced, bitch."

But, no, you know,
I still blew him.

I'm a nice lady.

[laughter]

Being single and, like,

living alone
for the first time

in eight years
during a quarantine,

that was, to me,

so incredibly difficult
because if you ever picture

going through
a breakup divorce,

there are kind of go-to things
you do, like,

you might fly back home
and be with your family

for a while.

You might go on a trip
with your friends.

I was quarantined, you know.
Our job was standup. It's done.

So, it was like a lot of time
just with thoughts,

thoughts and trying
to work through it,

which maybe that's a good thing
'cause I know some people

can use distractions
to just not process the pain

or the emotion of it and I--
at least I can tell myself

I really spent
the time processing

through all that
'cause I couldn't just jump

on a plane
and go perform somewhere.

You guys been drinking
during quarantine?

- Yeah.
- WOMAN: Yeah.

Some of my friends
got sober during quarantine.

I'm like "Blegh, what a bummer.

Can't have that energy
in my life right now.

Blegh."

I decided to take
the AA quiz out of curiosity.

It turns out it makes
everybody sound

like they have
a drinking problem.

The first question
is, "Have you ever used

alcohol to alter your mood?"

Is there any other reason
to drink alcohol?

Like, no, I'm in it
for the acne and diarrhea.

Just, like, ruin an underwear.

The second question is,
"After consuming alcohol,

have you ever done something
you've regretted?"

Do you mean literally
every time I've had alcohol?

Who's getting drunk
and doing the Lord's work?

I've never had five margaritas
and been like, "All right.

Time to donate blood.

I'm gonna pass this party
to someone in need."

My biggest regrets
stem from alcohol.

When I was in college,
I used to take shots of gin

and chased them with deli meat.

Yeah.
You know you're white trash

when your cocktails involve ham.

Not a good look.

But I feel like
if you're broke in college,

you form weird habits like that.

If you don't have a dishwasher,
you try and cook

using
as few dishes as possible.

I don't know
if you guys do this.

If you want banana
on your cereal

but you don't wanna get
a knife dirty,

do you ever just tear
pieces off with your teeth

and then [makes sound]

[laughter]

Wow.

A lot of you did that today.

I didn't even know
that was weird

until my ex caught me doing it

and was like, "Are you momma
birding yourself?"

[laughter]

We're poor, not Amish.
Please stop.

I tried to avoid doing
the whole, like,

post breakup identity crisis.

One of my friends
went through a breakup,

and she got this dramatic
haircut afterward

as like a revenge move
against her ex.

She's like, "If he sees me,

he's gonna know he missed out
on this whole other me."

[laughing]

Like a guy has ever seen
a haircut and gone

"[scoffs] Well,
I never got to fuck

asymmetrical lob Lisa."

Before COVID, I was on a flight

and sitting next
to this very old man,

and I had my notebook out,
and he leans over and goes,

"It's nice to see somebody
writing and not on their phone."

And I was like "Oh,

he doesn't know
I'm writing jokes about cum."

[laughing]

Oh, I was like "Suddenly,

"Candy Crush" doesn't seem
so bad, huh, Wendell?"

I booped him on the nose.
You'll love that, Wendell.

My ex and I were together

for eight years and people
always tell you to, like,

keep spicing things up,
but I feel like I tried

everything I wanted to try
with him. You know?

Like the reason
I hadn't eaten his ass

wasn't 'cause I was saving it

as a special 10-year
anniversary treat. Right?

It's 'cause I was never
gonna eat his ass.

Not with a gun to my head.

And I loved him very much,
but he was like

a real blue-collar asshole.

You mean,
like not a lot of maintenance

going on back there.
And I took a peek back there.

it was like the crack
between two couch cushions,

just like goldfish crackers
and part of a broken

Christmas ornament.

It's a choking hazard frankly.

I'm not gonna swallow
a paperclip

so you can cum anyway.

[laughter]

We felt like
we knew everything

there was to know
about each other,

but there was one thing
he didn't know, and I told him.

I said that, you know,
sometimes I pee in the shower,

and by sometimes
I mean every time.

And don't you all act
like you don't do it, too.

We are all swamp monsters.

There is no drug
in the history of time

with a higher addiction
rate than peeing

in the shower, right?

Like, you think
you're better than that?

You think you're above doing it?

And then you let yourself
do it one time,

and you're, like,
"Well, I guess I'm doing this

every day
for the rest of my life."

It is the best.

And I thought he and I
were gonna bond over it,

and instead he was like
"What?

Ugh, gross.

That means every time I shower,

I've just been standing
in your pee."

I was like, "I do it
while I'm showering,

like, the water takes it down
the drain immediately.

You're acting like I walk
into the bathroom,

drop my pants,
stand in the shower,

and just piss on dry porcelain
like a serial killer."

[laughter]

And then get out,
put my pants back on,

and just leave you a puddle
of urine like a feral cat."

I wanted to start peeing
on his pillow to give him

some real problems.

By the way,
is there a clearer sign

of how disgusting humans
are than when you see

your pillow
without a pillowcase on it?

[blows]

What a crime scene.
I saw mine recently.

I was like,
"Have I been sleepwalking

and using my pillow to clean
the toilet for 30 years?"

It's all these horrifying
stains. I'm like,

"Do I sweat gasoline?"

It's like a tooth fairy
gave birth under here.

What happened?

We have such a weird attitude
towards pillows.

They cost like 10 bucks,
but we all keep

the same gross pillows
for decades,

like it's the Great Depression.

Like where some
old prospects were like

"Well, this here is the pillow

they gave me at the orphanage,
and I'll be goddamned

if this ain't the same pillow
I die with."

[laughter]

My mom's been giving me
some career advice lately,

and if you're wondering
how helpful it is,

she's a retired
high school German teacher

who watches a lot
of "Dancing With the Stars."

So, she's basically
a casting director.

[laughter]

She doesn't understand
that there are different levels

of fame in comedy.

She thinks we're just all
at the same place.

She goes, "Why don't you call
Jerry Seinfeld

and ask to do 'Comedians
in Cars Getting Coffee'?"

[laughter]

Why don't I call up Jerr Bear
to grab a cup of Joe.

This is where my career is at.

I have a foosball
web series on YouTube, okay?

That's where I am.

She heard that and goes,

"You know who I bet
would love to do your show?

Ellen DeGeneres."

[laughter]

You bet, huh?

Well, let's put
some money on it

'cause I between
she fucking wouldn't.

If I win,
you have to let me back

on your cell phone plan.

These are tough times.

My parents met playing
professional foosball.

So, I wouldn't exist
if it weren't for foosball.

There are pictures of me playing
when I'm two years old,

standing on a stool
to be tall enough to see

the top of the table.

My mom has, like, her masters
in French Literature.

She's this, like, brilliant,
super interesting woman,

Hall of Fame foosball player.
For sure without fail,

We get paired up
against each other

every tournament
in the women's singles event.

It doesn't matter how
many women are in the bracket.

Somehow with the draw,
she and I always

end up playing each other,
and it kind of sucks

either way 'cause it's, like,
if I beat her,

then I'm like,
"I just beat my mom."

But if she beats me, I'm like,
"Fuck. My mom just beat me."

Like, you know, it's like
[makes sound] you know.

My friend Brad told me
that my celebrity lookalike

is this porn star
named Jessie Rogers.

So I googled her,
and the first picture

that popped up
was her doing hardcore anal.

And I got a little creeped out,

realizing that my friend
Brad saw that and thought...

[laughter]

"You know who
this reminds me of?

The old gaping
butthole Kelsey-roo.

A little backdoor cook.

Look at her go.
A-plus. Good stuff.

It's so weird to tell that joke
live again, by the way,

because I've been telling
it on virtual shows,

and knowing that halfway
through the joke,

all the dudes just opened
a new browser.

[chuckles]

A lot of sticky keyboards
by the end of those shows.

Honestly, I prefer it that way
because sometimes at live shows,

I'll be like, in the merch table
and a dude will just come up

with their phone in hand
and be like,

"What was the name
of that porn star you say?"

I'm like, "Can't you wait
to the parking lot

to get your dick out?
Jesus Christ.

you can take a beat.

So my ex and I didn't buy
any sex toys

until, like, seven years
into the relationship.

Just crazy, we've just been
Flintstone-ing that shit.

This is very
"Little House on the Prairie."

And so one night,

I went on the Adam & Eve website
and I was looking around.

I ended up buying one of those,
like, vibrating wand things,

and I gotta be honest,

I don't like it.
It's way too intense for me.

Even on the lowest setting,

this thing is,
like, for blasting rocks.

Is this what you women
have been using the whole time?

Oh, my God, I barely
touched it to my body,

my feet lifted off the ground.

I took flight.
- [laughter]

I was terrified.

I was like, "Did I just
puree my clit?

Oh, my God."

This thing is
for industrial kitchens, okay?

It is not for liquefying
raw vegetables.

It is not for your genitals.

And I asked
some of my friends

about this toy,
and it turns out,

they use it
on the highest setting

in order to have an orgasm.

I was like, "How come you've not
completely erased

your vagina at this point?

Just sanding it down
to a smooth slab of granite."

Barbie crotch, you know?
You can go bowling on it.

And the craziest part
was that my ex loved this toy,

but on him.

And, uh, one day,

I cranked that shit to 10
and touched it to his junk

just to
see what would happen.

[chuckles] And the moment
I touched it to him,

his balls went up
inside his body.

[laughter]

I didn't even know
they could do that.

I was just like,
"Do they stay up there

until you see sneeze
really hard?"

Just give one hard man Kegel?

Thought I was gonna have
to, like, start pushing

on his belly button, like,
trying to get quarters out

of a Skee-Ball machine
or something.

I had my bachelorette party
in Vegas

and we went
to the "Magic Mike" show.

Has anybody here been
to the "Magic Mike" show?

No? Oh, my God.

When this shit
opens back up, you gotta go.

I challenge any woman here
to see that show

and not try to get
fingered afterward.

Not physically possible.
It is the cream of the cock--

ugh, the dick Olympics,
chef's kiss.

For two hours, these, like,

oiled-up six packs just grind
the stage, and they sing to you,

and they lick whipped cream
off your body.

And then they bring women
onstage,

and then they take your top off,

and then they
take your pants off,

and then they fuck you.
No, I'm kidding.

[laughter]

Ugh, that was for me.

I just--I just wanna see
how far you guys would

go with me on that one.
[laughs]

Like, everyone started
pulling their phone out,

just checking flights to Vegas.

Taxi.
No, they don't fuck you.

That'd be pretty dope,
but they don't do that.

They do a lot to you, though.

You get a lot for your money.
Like, at one point,

they do actually
bring women on stage

and they put you in harnesses,

and you get to ride the men
into the sky like Free Willy.

[laughter]

They get your hornier
than you've ever been

in your entire life.

And then they just set you loose
back into the wild.

Single dudes, if you are trying
to hook up in Vegas,

just go sit outside
the "Magic Mike" exit.

Do you understand?

You're gonna catch something,
all right?

We're running out
there like starfish,

just--the hole's open,
ready to go.

You'll get something.

I'd love to see what it's like
to go back to that show

not as part
of a bachelorette party

because there's two
different types of women

who go to "Magic Mike," right?

Like, you get in there
and the host is like,

"All right,

make some noise if you're here
for a bachelorette party,"

and there's a bunch
of young girls like,

"Ooh, oh, my God, penises.

Wooh!"
And then the host goes,

"All right. Who here's
celebrating a divorce?"

And it's one table of women
in their forties like,

"Give me your dick."
I was like, "Oh, Christ."

Oh, it was like a battle cry.

I'm gonna go sit
at that table next time.

I'm very excited.

I was like a square.
I was this honor student.

I followed the rules.

I didn't start drinking
until I was--I got--

I got a fake ID when I was 20,

and that's
when I started drinking.

MAN: [laughs] You waited
till 20. You could have just--

a few more months.
- I know.

I was, like, twenty
and eight months, too.

I was just getting
so desperate.

All of my friends
had turned twenty-one,

like, I don't know,
five months before me,

and I just--I hated
the thought of everybody going

and having
the birthday at the bars,

and I had to just sit at home,
so I got this, like,

real shitty
Texas driver's license,

this fake ID, [laughs]

and I--it somehow worked.

So my ex and I,

we always lived in a place
that only had one bathroom.

And one of the fights
that we had over and over

was because he would
take 45-minute man shits.

I see some of you are also
familiar with this phenomenon.

I don't know
what you guys do in there.

You guys go numb
from the waist down.

Your butthole's
completely dry out.

It's like a craisin back there.

You guys
are just sitting in there

for an entire episode
of "Ozark."

I don't--what is happening?

And so I asked him early on.
I was like,

"Hey, why does it take you
so long to do that?"

And he goes,
"Well, my doctor told me

that it's bad to push,
so I don't push.

I just sit,
and I let it fall out."

[laughter]

It's like what are you,
a geisha?

What are you trying to take
these dainty shits for?

You're a man.
Just grab onto something,

fire it out, get the fuck out
of there.

It's Sunday.
We gotta go to Costco."

And I have
irritable bowel syndrome,

which makes every situation
like that worse.

It basically means
like there's no warning

for anything that's going
to happen to my body.

I'll just be in the produce
aisle of the grocery store,

and then my butthole's like,
"Release the Kraken."

I'm like, "Oh, Christ,"
you know.

Startles me, it's terrible.

So, you know,

a while back
when we were living together,

one day he went
into the bathroom

for one of his sessions,

and I knew
it was gonna be a session

because I could hear him
lock the door.

So he gets about 20 minutes
into his usual 45 minutes

when I start
to feel some fireworks.

And I'm like, "Oh, no."

So I text him, and I'm like,

"Hey, I'm about
to shit my pants."

Siren emoji. Fire emoji.

He doesn't respond.

I can hear his phone
get my text.

And then I hear him
just continue

to watch "Arrested Development."
I'm like, "Asshole, asshole."

So now I'm faced
with the reality

that I do not have access
to a toilet,

and I've got some demons
coming down the chute.

I am in apocalypse
survival mode.

So now, I start frantically
looking around our apartment

for a substitute toilet.

The first thing I see
is the kitchen sink.

I know. I know. Right away,
I was like, "Too high."

[laughter]

It's a lot of gymnastics
I'm not qualified for.

Next thing I saw
was his Boston Red Sox hat,

which emotionally felt
like the right choice

'cause I would like
to soft-serve him

some piping hot justice,
you know what I mean?

For putting me
in that predicament.

But I was like, "You know,
that's a lot of aim.

I'm not comfortable
with that. Pass."

Finally, I see in the corner
of the living room,

there's an empty
cardboard Amazon box.

And I'm, like, this is as good
as it's gonna get.

So at 2:00 PM on a Tuesday,

I had to rip my pants
down, squat,

and I fired out some lava
with faster delivery

than Amazon has ever offered.

Your Prime account's
got nothing on my asshole.

And I'm just like squatting
and crying.

Our cats walked up to me,
like, trying to touch noses.

I'm like, "Get out of here."

They had a look on their face
I have never seen before.

They're just looking at me
like, "Oh, you are one of us."

[laughter]

Peace be with you."

And, you know, I've never been
in this situation before.

I was going through a lot
of emotions as it was happening.

Mostly rage. Mostly rage.

I was pretty pissed
at my husband for forcing me

to poop in a box
like an old homeless man

while he and his delicate
flower of an asshole

got to enjoy some nice
princess poops, you know?

Just a nice little plop, plop,

[vocalizing]
- [laughter]

Just a nice spa day for him.

Meanwhile,
I'm wiping with a sock.

Blood vessels bursting
in my eyeballs and forehead.

I was so pissed.
I was so mad at him.

So after I was done,
I boxed it back up.

[laughter]

I know. You want me
to walk around with it open?

You got--you got to
box it back up.

So I boxed it back up,

and I was getting ready to
walk it outside to the dumpster,

and as I was about
to walk out with it,

that's when he finally
came out of the bathroom,

and he just saw me standing
there with an Amazon box.

And he goes,

"Oh, sweet, did my PlayStation
controller come?"

[laughter]

And his reaction
brought me more joy

than every Christmas morning
combined.

[laughter]

'Cause he was so confused
he didn't understand

that it was me who did that.

[laughter]

'Cause why would he think
that his sweet little wife

would literally shit
into a box and hand it to him?

Who does that? I do.

[laughter]

Oh, it was the best.

I, uh, I feel like I knew
when the passion died

in our relationship
because he called me bud.

- WOMAN: Uh-hmm.
- Yeah. It's not a good sign.

My stomach hurt and I groaned,
and he was like,

"Hey, how are you feeling, bud?"

[laughter]

"Uh, worse. Yeah."

Now that I became your son.

[laughter]

Gonna be late
for Little League.

Ugh, it bothered me so much,
I hated it,

so the next time
that we had sex,

right as he was about to finish,

I whispered in his ear,

"Hit me with that load, chief."

[laughter]

Yeah. I have never seen
a man hate an orgasm before.

All right. I'm Kelsey Cook.
Thank you guys so much.

Have a great night.

[cheers and applause]

My mom was always
supportive from the beginning.

My dad took a little bit longer
to warm up to it

because randomly,
when your daughter's like,

"Hey,

I'm gonna be a clown."
You're like, "What?

Why would you make this
decision?"

And I get it.

If you're a dad,
you don't wanna watch

your daughter
talk about cumming, so--

Man: [chuckles]

But I think once he saw
that I started to make money

on it
and that doors were opening,

he got onboard, and now he--

both of my parents
are my biggest fans.

They come to every show
when I'm in town.

They watch everything
that goes online.

They're amazing.
I'm really, really lucky.

We would get roasted
a lot and teased because,

you know, we would look poor
in hand-me-down.

They used to say they could tell
what we were having for lunch

'cause the stains
would be on my vest.

[man laughs]

And I just got murdered
in the cafeteria with that line.

Everybody was like, "Oh."

So I had to immediately
start clapping back, man,

and just start roasting
people's hairline, shoes,

whatever you can.

Anything was fresh up
on the table.

At that point,

I got a reputation
for just being funny.

I didn't even know
I had that in me,

but it was like, you know,
fight or flight.

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome
to the stage Kiry Shabazz.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, all. It takes me
a minute to get to the stage,

so people got to clap
extra long. So thank you all.

[laughter]

Being here, man.
How y'all feeling?

Y'all feeling good?

[cheers and applause]

I don't know, man, I am--

I'm following my dreams.
I don't recommend it.

If you're gonna--
- [laughter]

No, for real 'cause
the sneeze and the cough

took out my whole industry.

Like, it's not--
- [laughter]

And I've worked hard
to get to where I'm at.

I was work--I used to work at
a lot of fast food restaurants.

I was working at Taco Bell,
and I was really good at it.

Like, I was extremely good.

Like, to this day,
I still know

how to make
a Crunchwrap Supreme.

I still--
- [laughter]

Y'all don't believe me.
12-inch tortilla,

pump of nacho cheese,
scoop of beef,

take the crunchy tostada shell,
put it on top,

good to swirl so it's an even
portion of beef and cheese,

when you bite into the center.

Circle pump of sour cream,
four finger pinch of lettuce,

three finger pinch of tomato,
wrap it like a semi-octagon,

grill it for 17 seconds,
and serve.

That is a useless
fucking skill I possess.

[cheers and applause]

Please don't condescend. Please.

I was working
at Taco Bell at the time,

and I kept getting in trouble
'cause I would joke around

and say shit that'll piss,
you know--Taco Bell has a HR.

I know it's shocking.
But they actually--

they actually
have a fucking HR department.

But I would get in trouble all
the time for joking about shit.

They had me work
in the back kitchen.

I'm the only Black dude
back here working,

but I was always in the back.

Like, they never wanted me
in the front of the house.

Literally, I was in the back and
I started singing spirituals.

Like, I will
be back there mopping, like...

♪ Swing low

Just like loud as fuck.

And my friend
pulled me to the side.

He was doing improv.

He was like, "Hey, man,
I know this club.

Come try stand-up comedy
and, you know,

do it and you can sing
spirituals on stage all day

and you could have that outlet."
And that felt great.

My manager recently reached out.

He was like,
"Hey, you wanna come back?"

I'm like, "No. What the fuck?"
Like--

[laughter]

I had to lie
and pretend I was busy

doing like famous
Hollywood shit,

but I secretly wanted
to go back. Like, it's not--

But I can't do it.

There's no way I will ever
go back to Taco Bell.

The only way I'll go--

I thought about it
long and hard,

is if we're attacked
like a alien life force.

[laughter]

And NASA finds out
that the aliens

really love Taco Bell.

[laughter]

Like, I don't know.
Like, there's some kind

of chemical
in there that the aliens love.

It's like gold on their planet,
and they're like,

"We need a expert
to put a nuclear device

in a Crunchwrap Supreme

and blow up their spaceship.

Who do we know?"

And they'd come, they find me.

I'm living
off-the-grid at my log cabin.

[laughter]

They show up.
I'm all grizzled and disheveled,

Like, "I don't do that anymore.
I gave that life up.

That's the old me."

[laughter]

But they finally convinced me
to come back to save mankind.

They take me
to their secret training ground.

They have a whole
secret operation going on.

They got all these scientists
and astronauts

trying to make Taco Bell.

[laughter]

These guys been at MIT.
They're book smart.

They don't know about
making real authentic Taco Bell.

[laughter]

Quiz them immediately.

"You, glasses, right there.
Beefy five layer burrito?"

[stutters]

"Boom. Done.
In space it'll be out.

You gotta make it quick.
30 seconds flat.

Now, I gotta talk
to who's in charge.

Who's in charge of this?

I'm only doing this mission
under two conditions

if we do it my way with my crew.
That's the only way."

[laughter]

I put a lot of thought in this.
I smoke a lot of weed. I--

[laughter]

Now, I gotta drive around.
You know, in black SUVs

with federal agents or a crew,
no team,

for one last mission
to save mankind.

You know,
get the gang back together.

The people on my list
are highly qualified,

but to NASA
they look suspicious.

First lady,
her name is Maria.

She's pregnant
with her third child.

Like, what do we need
with a pregnant teenage girl?

It's like, "We need somebody
to work the registers,

all right?
Every Taco Bell has one.

The next guy on the list
is even more suspicious.

His name is Phillip.

He's a 50-year-old White man
addicted to meth and heroin.

[laughter]

They're like,
"What the fuck do we need

with a 50-year-old
white meth addict?"

I was like, "We need
a store manager.

Now look."
- [laughter]

I wish that wasn't true.

I really had a manager
named Phil who's a meth addict.

I wish--Maybe I should have
changed his name for this bit.

I don't know, but...
- [laughter]

He wasn't self-aware.

He would try to compliment me
but offend me at the same time.

He was like, "Hey, man.
You're doing a good job.

I see a lot of myself in you."

I'm like, "Nigga,
don't ever say that again."

The fuck is wrong with you?
That was so discouraging."

And I'm not blowing down
on Taco Bell.

Get it how you live, it's just--
I just--it's like, okay.

I went back home and I got
a job at Target,

and it was rough

because just a month
before that, I was on TV.

I just had a comedy thing air
on TV.

It was amazing.
And a month later,

I was checking receipts
at the door at Target.

That shit
was fucking miserable, man.

My soul was crushed.

I had to smile at white people
at the door at Target

like a good
little Negro every day.

Like, "Hey, there.
How you doing? [mumbles]"

Like, it was just--
- [laughter]

I had to smile
and be friendly to white kids.

"Y'all be good to your
mammmies." Slappity-slap.

I didn't--
- [laughter]

[laughs] I'm goddamn right.

But I did. I went back home.
I went back home.

A lot of people went back home.
Strange times, man.

And going back home
is always a good idea

until you actually go back home.

Then you realize
that's the worst decision

you could have ever made
in your life,

but I wanted to be near family.

I'm a Black man.
Family is big to us.

I got a question for real.
and I don't--white people.

Sir, white--
do white people have cousins?

- WOMAN: Yeah.
- Like, no.

[laughter]

She said, "Yeah." No.

I know you all have cousins,

but do you all interact
with them?

- I never see--
- WOMAN: Yeah.

Because--no. Okay.

Well, for some white people
who don't know,

like, cousins
are the shit to minorities.

We love our fucking cousins.

Like, our cousin--
Like, a cousin is a bond

forged by childhood tragedy.

You know what I mean?

Every loving memory of my cousin
is due to some horrific event.

Every time I hung out with them
is because either one

of our utilities was cut out.
Like, that's--

Their mom was running away
from their boyfriend,

and we hung out for a week
and was Power Rangers.

It was amazing.

My mom battled with
addiction, so my dad was like,

"We need to get him
somewhere more stable."

So I have a older brother
and then a younger sister.

So we all three
went to Cleveland, and then--

Yeah, we just thugged it out
in Cleveland from there on out.

MAN: So you go to be raised
by who in Cleveland?

My grandmother
which is my dad's mom.

- MAN: Yeah.
- Yeah. So, I was raised by her.

Really, man,
just one of the kindest,

like, nicest ladies.

She worked most of her life
doing the education system

so we had encyclopedias,

and, like, we were reading
fucking Edgar Allan Poe

and Emily Dickinson
and all kind of crazy shit.

She was everything to me.
She was my mom,

she was my father,
she was my teacher.

She took us all in.

If you--
literally it was like a--

it was a drop-off zone for kids.
She was like a fire station.

You could just bring your baby
and no questions asked.

[man laughs]

That's what family's for, man.
And I went back.

I thought it would help
my sister.

She's a single mom raising kids.
She has a lot of kids.

My sister has so many kids.

Like, the rules in her house
are a little different.

In her house, like, the minute
you learn how to walk,

you are on your own.
You got to figure it out.

[laughter]

It's dog eat dog.
You are on your own.

And I was at her house,
and I saw my niece getting ready

to take her first steps
for the first time.

And in that moment,

I just had to sweep her feet
and knock her down.

Like, "not yet, baby girl.
Not yet.

Just hang in there a little bit.

Once you start walking,
I can't help you. It's over."

I think the hardest part, too,
about going back home

is you realize
your mind has changed.

You no longer think
the same way.

You have different values.

I've been in California
for a long time.

I am like a common law liberal,

like, it's just--
it's ingrained.

I just--
I'm a California liberal.

I shop at Sprouts.

I didn't have
the right mentality

to go back to Ohio
and be in a hood.

Like, I was
at my dad's house,

and there was this cat
stuck in a tree.

And the cat was meowing.
Like, it just...meow!

Like, it was miserable,
and nobody gave a fuck.

No one gave--I was furious.

I'm like, this would never
happen in Berkeley.

There's no way.

If a cat was stuck in a tree
in Berkeley,

they will send
a fucking task force.

They will get that cat
a grievance counselor.

Some white bitch would've
adopted it and named it Mittens.

Like, that cat--
- [laughter]

They would have spared no cost.

But here in Ohio,
people walk by calloused.

Didn't give a fuck
about that cat.

And finally,
after a few days, I snapped.

I was talking to my dad,
and he said some shit

that was so--
You ever hear something

that was so ignorant
but brilliant at the same time?

I went up to him,
and I was like, "Hey, Dad,

let me use your ladder."
He was like, "For what?"

I was like, "I'm-a get that cat
out that tree.

That cat is starving."

And he was like,
"That cat ain't starving."

I was like, "How do you know?"
He was like,

"'Cause he's still
that goddamn tree."

I was like, "Oh, my God."

[laughter]

That made so much sense to me.

If that cat was starving,

he would get the fuck out
the tree.

That night I went home,

and I start looking
at my own life.

Like, "Am I stuck
in my own dream?" Like...

[laughter]

I was like, "I gotta do,"--

if you have any problems
in life,

stop crying and complaining
and waiting for the people

to bail you out and rescue you.

Work hard and pull yourself up
by your bootstraps.

I didn't like my dad's message,
but it was real,

'cause when I came back
that cat was out of the tree.

It collapsed from starvation
and fell to his death, but...

[laughter]

That's where y'all draw
the line,

with the fake cat
in the goddamn tree?

[laughter]

Well, my mom, she was addicted
to methamphetamine,

and she battled with that
for some time,

and she was able to get clean

and kind of get off drugs
and turn her life around.

And I met her when I was 13.

So we go out to California.

My dad wants to surprise her,
'cause that's a fun prank.

Like, "Hey, I'm here
with your kids you never met."

So...
- Man: [laughing]

Just--I'm--man, I'm dead ass.
Like, he just was like,

"Hey, wouldn't this be funny?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I guess."

[man laughs]

We caught a Greyhound, man,
four days to California.

We get into town,
and it was the most awkward,

uncomfortable shit ever.

Just like, "Hey, hey,
you know, these guys."

Like, it's just--it was his way
of trying to be fun

and funny and break the ice,

but it made the tension
so thick.

She doesn't have time to prepare
the house or nothing.

You know, you wanna put on
a good impression?

But, yeah, it felt
like it was a stranger, man.

It really did.

[laughter]

I'm done with debates
with people online.

I'm tired of it.
I don't know if you guys are.

I'm not arguing
with you online no more,

because I don't believe
in people's philosophies.

I don't believe
all lives matter.

That's absurd.
Every life doesn't matter.

[laughter]

The fifth member
of a K-pop band,

his life does not matter.

There are nine other people that
looks exactly like him or her.

I'm not sure.

I don't wanna debate
with people, man.

Because like--I got--
the last debate I got into,

this guy was complaining

about his constitutional rights
being violated.

He was like,

"It is my constitutional right
not to wear a mask.

You have to respect
the Constitution.

What document in America
do you know is more powerful

than the Constitution?"

I was like,
"Dude, a doctor's note, by far.

Like, a doctor's note..."
- [laughter]

"...is the most powerful
document in America."

It is widely respected.

You don't believe me?

Don't show up to work
for 30 days and pop up

with a Constitution
if you want to.

[laughter]

They'll fire you immediately.
You have a doctor's note,

they might have to pay
for those missed days.

In fact, none of us
could be here tonight

if we didn't have
a doctor's note.

I couldn't email them
a Bill of Rights.

[laughter]

I would be unemployed right now.
It's not bad. Think about this.

To get
your constitutional rights,

you might have to protest.

You might have to like,
you know,

hire an attorney
and get a federal case.

Imagine how much trouble
a doctor's note would have saved

some prolific
civil rights activist. Right?

Like, I could just see it now.

Like, "Oh, shit.
My bad, Rosa Parks.

I didn't know
you had a doctor's note."

[laughter]

"It says here
your fibromyalgia is acting up.

Get up, white bitch.
She has a note. Get up."

[laughter]

I'm just saying.

It'd have been different
if Martin Luther King

had a dream
signed by his physician.

It would have went by...
- [laughter]

...a lot more smooth.

I'm also embarrassed, like,
sometimes a political debate,

'cause we all wanna
to look intellectual.

And my, like, ADD kicks in.
I can't always focus.

I'll give you guys an example.

The last intellectual
conversation I was in

was about Antifa.

And the whole time
I kept thinking, like,

Antifa sounds like a name
of a sitcom

Queen Latifah
was supposed to star in.

Doesn't it? Like...

It sound like the sitcom was
supposed to come out in 2020,

but they canceled it, like,
because of the protest.

It's just didn't translate
and ends well.

Here's the premise of the show.

Queen Latifah
moves to a new city

to help raise
her nieces and nephews.

The tag line is, "Antifa's here
to take over Seattle."

[laughter]

I'm like, "We can't use
this shit. We need..."

And that is how adults
never invite you

to a serious conversation again.

[laughter]

I can't take things
serious, man.

And then it's like...

I don't know how to, like,
explain it either.

Like, I'm trying to-
I'm trying to do my best

to cope-we all are.

Everybody's trying
to cope right now

with staying at home.

And I've gotten further.
I stream everything now.

And I went through a phase
of streaming

like drug cartel movies.

They're my favorite.

And my favorite thing
about them,

and I noticed a patterning.

Every drug cartel leader

tells the most
amazing stories ever.

They're fucking
amazing storytellers.

It doesn't matter
what the story is.

And I love this part
of the movie.

I always know
when it's coming up.

It's usually
when someone owes them money,

and they're about
to give them 24 hours.

And they light that cigarette.

It don't matter
what the story is.

It's fucking brilliant,
all right?

"Oh, you don't have my money?
Okay.

Do you know my favorite story
when I was a little boy?

The Itsy Bitsy Spider."

[laughter]

"You see, every day the spider,

he goes up the water spout
in the roof.

Down come the rain
he wash him down.

He does not know what to do.
He goes right back up the spot,

and again the rain
washes him down.

And then one day, the sun--

the sun come out
and dry up of the rain.

And that itsy bitsy spider

makes it all the way up
to the top.

Now you tell me this.

If I'm the fucking sun

and I dry up the rain

and you make it to the top

and you don't have
my fucking money,

how mad do you think
I would be?"

"Like, whoa.

That is not the ending
of the Itsy Bitsy Spider."

[laughter]

"But I love
what you did there, sir."

I love it, man.
And, I don't know,

like, it made me appreciate
Latin culture more.

That might seem fucked up,
but I want to learn

more about my Latin brethren
and sistrens, right?

Starting with language.
I have not--

I got time on my hand.

I know I stammered through
that [mumbling].

That's what happens when you
have big jaws like this.

[mumbling]

Again,
I want to learn a language.

I got a language app.

Anybody know
these language apps?

I got one. It teaches me
a new Spanish word every day.

I just learned a Spanish word.

Abuela.

It means "grandma" in Spanish.

I didn't know that.

Where I'm from,
we call our grandmas

the legal guardians. I was...

[laughter]

KIRY: The hardest part right now
for me, I think,

is just dealing
with the, you know,

loss of my grandma.
She passed away in 2010.

Yeah, sacrifice.

I sacrificed
some really good years.

And...
- MAN: Grandma for your mom?

With my grandma for a mom.

When I came back
after high school,

kind of, you know,
spent time with her,

and get to know her and,
you know, reconnect with her,

I didn't know at the time
that'd be the last years,

you know, in my grandma's life.

So I felt like
I kind of sacrificed

those last years
kind of really being with her

and get to know her to, uh...

to reconnect with somebody
who didn't want that connection.

And so that kind of always,

um--that weighs heavy on me.

The one person I really
kind of wanna make proud

or the person I really
wanna just see me shine

in any moment
can't witness that.

And now-so everything I do now,

there's always that weight of,
you know, she'll never see it,

and the people who get
to enjoy it are the people

who didn't invest in it
or care about it.

And then another thing people

are worried about too
is quarantine weight.

Everyone's gained
quarantine weight.

And I don't know what it is.
I'm just getting

mature and more confident.

I love my body size now.
I fucking love it.

Like, I look in the mirror
every day, I'm like,

"I have a fucking king's body."
You know what I mean?

This is a body
of a 16th century king.

[laughter]

Like, my body
is very Robert Baratheon.

This is very...

I just look in the mirror

and say kingly shit
and turn myself on.

Like, "Feed him to the lions."

Like, I just...

"More wine, whore."

My mom's like,
"Call me another whore,

I'm-a whoop your..."

"Silence."

I don't envy in-shape dudes
no more 'cause now I get it.

I've been learning stuff
about evolution.

I understand now
why I'm shaped this way

and why y'all are in shape.

Dude, you look like you
in great shape, right?

You got muscles.

Women like that.

When they see you,
they look at you like,

"He can give me babies
that can climb trees."

I don't send women
that kind of pheromones.

My pheromones say,

"He took the elevator
instead of the stairs."

Like, that's the pheromones
I give.

But it doesn't bother me, sir,

'cause I know my body
is the perfect body

for laying on fur rugs
and being fed grapes.

Like, this
is a perfect governing body.

Your body is in shape

so you can build my pyramids
and fight my wars.

[laughter]

My personal trainer hate it
that I have this new philosophy.

He's like,
"No, dude. That's not--

you're going to die." Like...

[laughter]

Oh, fuck.

I think I'm the only
Black man with gout.

I don't know.

I've been enjoying myself
on this quarantine.

Some shit has been rough

'cause now they do
a lot of deliveries.

Some places
you can't get delivered,

because it's the experience
you love.

And I'll share this
with you guys.

I'm not ashamed of it.

There's one place I miss dearly.
Panera Bread.

I miss the full white experience

of a Panera Bread.

I fucking love it.

It is my day
to enjoy white bliss, enjoy--

I go in there
and act a white-ass fool.

I wear my white garbs--

cargo shorts,
sandals with no socks.

I go in there,

and it's the experience I love.

There's always
a friendly white bitch

named Emily there to greet me.

"Hi. Welcome to Panera."
She's happy.

She's kind and patient.

She offers me free samples.

She's like,
"Have you ever had quiche?"

I'm like, "No."
She knows I'm a fat-ass lie,

I've had quiche,

but she still lets me indulge.

They got Norah Jones
and Michael Buble playing.

It's a vibe.

But today's a special day.
I'm here for a special treat.

I'm here for my broccoli
cheddar soup in a bread bowl.

This shit is amazing.

I look forward to this day.

But when I went back home
to Ohio,

I didn't know
there was such a thing

as a Panera Bread in the hood.

I didn't know.

I wasn't ready.

Not the same experience.

I don't know who does
the gerrymandering in Ohio,

but they have not...

[laughter]

They didn't-they gerrymandered
Paneras in the hood.

Somebody fucked up, royally.

And don't get me wrong.

Y'all know
I've checked receipts at Target.

I've worked at Taco Bell.

I'm not trying to dog it.

I love my people.
Not at fucking Panera.

Listen, I will not
tolerate it in the hood.

I'm sorry, man. You can shake
your head all you want.

I will not be robbed
of my Panera experience.

'Cause as soon as I go in,
there's no friendly bitch

named Emily there to greet me.

There's Tasha,
and she already has an attitude

for some shit
I didn't do to her.

[laughter]

It's not my fault
you let your boyfriend

drive your car when you at work
and now he ain't text you back

and he's late picking you up.
I didn't do that, bitch.

Bring me the menu.

[laughter]

She's mad.
Her eyelashes has attitude.

I don't even get
a free sample of quiche.

They don't have quiche.

There's a bitch
that works here named Quiche,

but there's no...

there's no quiche.

And they're doing shit I know

that's against
the company policies

'cause there's no Norah Jones
or Michael Buble. No.

Somebody connected their phone
to the fucking radio,

and they're playing trap music
in a fucking Panera Bread.

[laughter]

This ain't no Panera vibe.

And I'm trying to keep
it together as a Black man.

I'm trying
to stay strong for--

'Cause I know
they're just working their job.

I'm trying to stay strong.
I'm not trying to go full white.

I keep it on--you know,
I don't go full white.

I don't do white-
extra white shit

like get butternut squash soup.
I don't do that.

That's taking things
way too far.

But I'm trying
to be very patient.

I order my broccoli
cheddar soup in a bread bowl.

And when I go up to the
register, there's a young man--

you know, the back--
the little serving station?

There's a young brother
back there,

and he informs me

that they don't have
any bread bowls today

and would I like
to eat my soup in a bowl.

Are you fucking kidding me? No.

Out of a bowl like a peasant?

You want me
to eat my soup out of a bowl

like a fucking foreigner? No.

I might as well tie my hands
behind my back

and eat it with my fucking face.

Give me a fucking bread bowl.

I'm containing my anger.

I'm containing--I-Again,
whatever, man. Put it in a bowl.

They assemble my soup,
and they give it to me,

and I'm holding my anger in
'cause I'm realizing,

"Kiry, you can't
do this right now.

You're a Black man.
You about to turn into a Karen."

I didn't wanna...

[laughter]

I didn't wanna go
and ask for the manager,

but they fucked up,

'Cause I know
non-bread bowl protocol.

In a sense of an emergency
that a Panera Bread

is tragically
out of bread bowls,

you get bread
to go with it on the side.

Not a bread bowl,
but you can still dip

those soft middles
into the soup.

It's still
an enjoyable experience.

So I go back up there
and I inform the young brother,

"Hey, you forgot my baguette."

[laughter]

He looks confused. He was like,

"Wait. I thought
you wanted that for here.

Now you want me to bag it?"
I said no.

[laughter]

I would like a baguette.

He still looked confused,
so I pointed to it.

He was like, "Oh, my nigga,
you mean bread?" "No, I don't."

[laughter]

You mean bread?

I'm mad. Ooh, I was livid.

Ain't that
a word white women use?

"I was livid. I was...

I was outraged."

I was like,
"What's going on, man?

Everything is out of order
and in disarray.

What's going on?
Like, is something...

You guys okay?
Y'all short-staffed?"

He said, "No. Our manager
didn't come in today.

He hasn't been
coming in at all, man.

He's been gone for like a week."

I was like,
"What? That's fucked up.

Why is he not showing up?"
He's like, "I don't know, man,

but he had a doctor's note,

so there's nothing
we could do about it."

[laughter]

He got a point there.

I'm Kiry Shabazz.
Y'all been amazing. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I think in comedy,
the best gift you can have

is breaking that mold
of what people expect.

When someone sees me onstage,

they're probably gonna have
an idea of what's gonna come out

of my mouth or what material
they're gonna hear,

'cause I have that look.
When people see me,

there should be
just buffoon music playing.

Just like boomp--boomp--boomp,
boomp--boomp--boomp.

But then I love like
kind of shocking people,

like hitting them randomly
with a Thoreau quote

or popping something out of
left field that they don't know.

And, again,
looking back at my grandma,

it's a nod to her,
having that toolkit

of being able to pull
different shit out,

that's a weapon,
and I love that. I love that.

♪