Original subtitles

[music]

KELSEY COOK: I just felt like I had so many weird

embarrassing things happen growing up

that I would then tell my friends

about and make them laugh.

I think what started it for me was masturbating

with a manicure tool and ending up

in the emergency room.

Man: [laughing]

Stuff like that, that truly,

at its core when it's happening,

is like traumatizing.

To be able to take stories like that,

tell a friend about it and laugh with them,

yeah, it's a good feeling.

[laughing]

KIRY SHABAZZ: Me and my mom, we're close enough.

We keep in touch.

Her addiction was methamphetamine.

It wasn't a really good environment.

So, my dad was, like, let's bring them

to Cleveland and get them out of California before,

you know.

I'm glad I dodged that bullet because who would've known, man.

I would've probably been, you know,

locked up in jail or dead,

and I bring that shit to my comedy.

That's what I love about it.

- Growing up, I wanted a lot of security.

I was gonna be a high school math teacher

at the high school I went to, got about halfway through

college with the math major and was hating it.

I took a public speaking course and I kept turning

my assignments into, like, comedy skits.

I was having so much fun just being creative with it

and my professor pulled me aside and was like,

"You need to do something with this.

You're good at it and there's-- there could be something here."

[music]

[laughter]

Man: All right. You guys were a lot of fun.

You're in for a great night of comedy.

So, I'm gonna bring up the next comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage,

Kelsey Cook.

[cheers and applause]

[music]

KELSEY: What's up, you guys? How we doing?

- MAN: Great. - KELSEY: You good?

Oh, God. It is so nice to not be performing

in my living room. [laughter]

So nice.

I've been doing a lot of virtual shows on my laptop,

and I've had to use my cat tree as a mic stand.

It's been very bleak.

Right before my last virtual show,

one of my cats puked two feet from the stage.

I was like, "Well, my opening act sucks."

What a gross bitch.

This is terrible.

Um, I feel like quarantine has lasted so long.

Do you guys remember the toilet paper shortage?

Doesn't that feel like it was in '97?

[laughter]

Wow. I remember going into CVS trying to find some

and they were only giving out individual rolls from behind

the register like they were bullets.

[laughter]

I just left that day

with one roll of toilet paper and a fifth of Tito's.

Like "All right, 2020, I'm just grabbing my ankles.

Let's just do it."

I've had a very weird year.

I got divorced a week before COVID hit.

- Woo! - Yeah. Anybody else?

Didn't think so. Yeah.

Anybody gonna get divorced by the end of quarantine?

Probably. Probably some of you.

You know, it's okay, though.

We still have a lot of love and respect for each other.

He's also a comedian.

So, there weren't a lot of assets to split up.

Didn't have like a summerhouse and a boat.

It was like "Do you want the 'Batman Begins' DVD?

Who gets the good spatula?"

You know.

[laughter]

You know what I mean.

There's only two, and one of them's good.

My ex-husband and I are still friends,

still have so much love and respect for each other.

We started dating when I was 22.

We were together for eight years and it's--

I think almost impossible when you start

dating that young, your 20s are just so,

so much learning and changing

and working through things together that I think

it's so different to meet somebody when you're 22

versus if you're, like, 32.

But, yeah. I mean, again, we have a ton of love

and respect for each other, so, yeah.

Even though it's amicable,

it's still super painful to go through a separation

especially during a pandemic.

I felt like I was on some COVID hidden camera show called

like "Extreme Divorce" Hosted by Guy Fieri,

just a lot of flames and ranch.

I liked being married, though. I felt like I could relax.

We were together for a long time and my friends

were always asking like what our secret was.

One of them was like,

"So do you still wear sexy lingerie for him or..."

I was like "Not since I got married, sucker.

Ha, ha. I got him. I am done trying.

Yeah. Paid my dues to get this promotion.

All right?

I've been running a BJ 5k for the last seven years,

and this ring is the finish line.

So gonna go pop champagne and ice my jaw."

Yeah.

Uh-hmm.

And I'm sure some of you are like,

"Well, that's why you got divorced, bitch."

But, no, you know, I still blew him.

I'm a nice lady.

[laughter]

Being single and, like,

living alone for the first time

in eight years during a quarantine,

that was, to me,

so incredibly difficult because if you ever picture

going through a breakup divorce,

there are kind of go-to things you do, like,

you might fly back home and be with your family

for a while.

You might go on a trip with your friends.

I was quarantined, you know. Our job was standup. It's done.

So, it was like a lot of time just with thoughts,

thoughts and trying to work through it,

which maybe that's a good thing 'cause I know some people

can use distractions to just not process the pain

or the emotion of it and I-- at least I can tell myself

I really spent the time processing

through all that 'cause I couldn't just jump

on a plane and go perform somewhere.

You guys been drinking during quarantine?

- Yeah. - WOMAN: Yeah.

Some of my friends got sober during quarantine.

I'm like "Blegh, what a bummer.

Can't have that energy in my life right now.

Blegh."

I decided to take the AA quiz out of curiosity.

It turns out it makes everybody sound

like they have a drinking problem.

The first question is, "Have you ever used

alcohol to alter your mood?"

Is there any other reason to drink alcohol?

Like, no, I'm in it for the acne and diarrhea.

Just, like, ruin an underwear.

The second question is, "After consuming alcohol,

have you ever done something you've regretted?"

Do you mean literally every time I've had alcohol?

Who's getting drunk and doing the Lord's work?

I've never had five margaritas and been like, "All right.

Time to donate blood.

I'm gonna pass this party to someone in need."

My biggest regrets stem from alcohol.

When I was in college, I used to take shots of gin

and chased them with deli meat.

Yeah. You know you're white trash

when your cocktails involve ham.

Not a good look.

But I feel like if you're broke in college,

you form weird habits like that.

If you don't have a dishwasher, you try and cook

using as few dishes as possible.

I don't know if you guys do this.

If you want banana on your cereal

but you don't wanna get a knife dirty,

do you ever just tear pieces off with your teeth

and then [makes sound]

[laughter]

Wow.

A lot of you did that today.

I didn't even know that was weird

until my ex caught me doing it

and was like, "Are you momma birding yourself?"

[laughter]

We're poor, not Amish. Please stop.

I tried to avoid doing the whole, like,

post breakup identity crisis.

One of my friends went through a breakup,

and she got this dramatic haircut afterward

as like a revenge move against her ex.

She's like, "If he sees me,

he's gonna know he missed out on this whole other me."

[laughing]

Like a guy has ever seen a haircut and gone

"[scoffs] Well, I never got to fuck

asymmetrical lob Lisa."

Before COVID, I was on a flight

and sitting next to this very old man,

and I had my notebook out, and he leans over and goes,

"It's nice to see somebody writing and not on their phone."

And I was like "Oh,

he doesn't know I'm writing jokes about cum."

[laughing]

Oh, I was like "Suddenly,

"Candy Crush" doesn't seem so bad, huh, Wendell?"

I booped him on the nose. You'll love that, Wendell.

My ex and I were together

for eight years and people always tell you to, like,

keep spicing things up, but I feel like I tried

everything I wanted to try with him. You know?

Like the reason I hadn't eaten his ass

wasn't 'cause I was saving it

as a special 10-year anniversary treat. Right?

It's 'cause I was never gonna eat his ass.

Not with a gun to my head.

And I loved him very much, but he was like

a real blue-collar asshole.

You mean, like not a lot of maintenance

going on back there. And I took a peek back there.

it was like the crack between two couch cushions,

just like goldfish crackers and part of a broken

Christmas ornament.

It's a choking hazard frankly.

I'm not gonna swallow a paperclip

so you can cum anyway.

[laughter]

We felt like we knew everything

there was to know about each other,

but there was one thing he didn't know, and I told him.

I said that, you know, sometimes I pee in the shower,

and by sometimes I mean every time.

And don't you all act like you don't do it, too.

We are all swamp monsters.

There is no drug in the history of time

with a higher addiction rate than peeing

in the shower, right?

Like, you think you're better than that?

You think you're above doing it?

And then you let yourself do it one time,

and you're, like, "Well, I guess I'm doing this

every day for the rest of my life."

It is the best.

And I thought he and I were gonna bond over it,

and instead he was like "What?

Ugh, gross.

That means every time I shower,

I've just been standing in your pee."

I was like, "I do it while I'm showering,

like, the water takes it down the drain immediately.

You're acting like I walk into the bathroom,

drop my pants, stand in the shower,

and just piss on dry porcelain like a serial killer."

[laughter]

And then get out, put my pants back on,

and just leave you a puddle of urine like a feral cat."

I wanted to start peeing on his pillow to give him

some real problems.

By the way, is there a clearer sign

of how disgusting humans are than when you see

your pillow without a pillowcase on it?

[blows]

What a crime scene. I saw mine recently.

I was like, "Have I been sleepwalking

and using my pillow to clean the toilet for 30 years?"

It's all these horrifying stains. I'm like,

"Do I sweat gasoline?"

It's like a tooth fairy gave birth under here.

What happened?

We have such a weird attitude towards pillows.

They cost like 10 bucks, but we all keep

the same gross pillows for decades,

like it's the Great Depression.

Like where some old prospects were like

"Well, this here is the pillow

they gave me at the orphanage, and I'll be goddamned

if this ain't the same pillow I die with."

[laughter]

My mom's been giving me some career advice lately,

and if you're wondering how helpful it is,

she's a retired high school German teacher

who watches a lot of "Dancing With the Stars."

So, she's basically a casting director.

[laughter]

She doesn't understand that there are different levels

of fame in comedy.

She thinks we're just all at the same place.

She goes, "Why don't you call Jerry Seinfeld

and ask to do 'Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee'?"

[laughter]

Why don't I call up Jerr Bear to grab a cup of Joe.

This is where my career is at.

I have a foosball web series on YouTube, okay?

That's where I am.

She heard that and goes,

"You know who I bet would love to do your show?

Ellen DeGeneres."

[laughter]

You bet, huh?

Well, let's put some money on it

'cause I between she fucking wouldn't.

If I win, you have to let me back

on your cell phone plan.

These are tough times.

My parents met playing professional foosball.

So, I wouldn't exist if it weren't for foosball.

There are pictures of me playing when I'm two years old,

standing on a stool to be tall enough to see

the top of the table.

My mom has, like, her masters in French Literature.

She's this, like, brilliant, super interesting woman,

Hall of Fame foosball player. For sure without fail,

We get paired up against each other

every tournament in the women's singles event.

It doesn't matter how many women are in the bracket.

Somehow with the draw, she and I always

end up playing each other, and it kind of sucks

either way 'cause it's, like, if I beat her,

then I'm like, "I just beat my mom."

But if she beats me, I'm like, "Fuck. My mom just beat me."

Like, you know, it's like [makes sound] you know.

My friend Brad told me that my celebrity lookalike

is this porn star named Jessie Rogers.

So I googled her, and the first picture

that popped up was her doing hardcore anal.

And I got a little creeped out,

realizing that my friend Brad saw that and thought...

[laughter]

"You know who this reminds me of?

The old gaping butthole Kelsey-roo.

A little backdoor cook.

Look at her go. A-plus. Good stuff.

It's so weird to tell that joke live again, by the way,

because I've been telling it on virtual shows,

and knowing that halfway through the joke,

all the dudes just opened a new browser.

[chuckles]

A lot of sticky keyboards by the end of those shows.

Honestly, I prefer it that way because sometimes at live shows,

I'll be like, in the merch table and a dude will just come up

with their phone in hand and be like,

"What was the name of that porn star you say?"

I'm like, "Can't you wait to the parking lot

to get your dick out? Jesus Christ.

you can take a beat.

So my ex and I didn't buy any sex toys

until, like, seven years into the relationship.

Just crazy, we've just been Flintstone-ing that shit.

This is very "Little House on the Prairie."

And so one night,

I went on the Adam & Eve website and I was looking around.

I ended up buying one of those, like, vibrating wand things,

and I gotta be honest,

I don't like it. It's way too intense for me.

Even on the lowest setting,

this thing is, like, for blasting rocks.

Is this what you women have been using the whole time?

Oh, my God, I barely touched it to my body,

my feet lifted off the ground.

I took flight. - [laughter]

I was terrified.

I was like, "Did I just puree my clit?

Oh, my God."

This thing is for industrial kitchens, okay?

It is not for liquefying raw vegetables.

It is not for your genitals.

And I asked some of my friends

about this toy, and it turns out,

they use it on the highest setting

in order to have an orgasm.

I was like, "How come you've not completely erased

your vagina at this point?

Just sanding it down to a smooth slab of granite."

Barbie crotch, you know? You can go bowling on it.

And the craziest part was that my ex loved this toy,

but on him.

And, uh, one day,

I cranked that shit to 10 and touched it to his junk

just to see what would happen.

[chuckles] And the moment I touched it to him,

his balls went up inside his body.

[laughter]

I didn't even know they could do that.

I was just like, "Do they stay up there

until you see sneeze really hard?"

Just give one hard man Kegel?

Thought I was gonna have to, like, start pushing

on his belly button, like, trying to get quarters out

of a Skee-Ball machine or something.

I had my bachelorette party in Vegas

and we went to the "Magic Mike" show.

Has anybody here been to the "Magic Mike" show?

No? Oh, my God.

When this shit opens back up, you gotta go.

I challenge any woman here to see that show

and not try to get fingered afterward.

Not physically possible. It is the cream of the cock--

ugh, the dick Olympics, chef's kiss.

For two hours, these, like,

oiled-up six packs just grind the stage, and they sing to you,

and they lick whipped cream off your body.

And then they bring women onstage,

and then they take your top off,

and then they take your pants off,

and then they fuck you. No, I'm kidding.

[laughter]

Ugh, that was for me.

I just--I just wanna see how far you guys would

go with me on that one. [laughs]

Like, everyone started pulling their phone out,

just checking flights to Vegas.

Taxi. No, they don't fuck you.

That'd be pretty dope, but they don't do that.

They do a lot to you, though.

You get a lot for your money. Like, at one point,

they do actually bring women on stage

and they put you in harnesses,

and you get to ride the men into the sky like Free Willy.

[laughter]

They get your hornier than you've ever been

in your entire life.

And then they just set you loose back into the wild.

Single dudes, if you are trying to hook up in Vegas,

just go sit outside the "Magic Mike" exit.

Do you understand?

You're gonna catch something, all right?

We're running out there like starfish,

just--the hole's open, ready to go.

You'll get something.

I'd love to see what it's like to go back to that show

not as part of a bachelorette party

because there's two different types of women

who go to "Magic Mike," right?

Like, you get in there and the host is like,

"All right,

make some noise if you're here for a bachelorette party,"

and there's a bunch of young girls like,

"Ooh, oh, my God, penises.

Wooh!" And then the host goes,

"All right. Who here's celebrating a divorce?"

And it's one table of women in their forties like,

"Give me your dick." I was like, "Oh, Christ."

Oh, it was like a battle cry.

I'm gonna go sit at that table next time.

I'm very excited.

I was like a square. I was this honor student.

I followed the rules.

I didn't start drinking until I was--I got--

I got a fake ID when I was 20,

and that's when I started drinking.

MAN: [laughs] You waited till 20. You could have just--

a few more months. - I know.

I was, like, twenty and eight months, too.

I was just getting so desperate.

All of my friends had turned twenty-one,

like, I don't know, five months before me,

and I just--I hated the thought of everybody going

and having the birthday at the bars,

and I had to just sit at home, so I got this, like,

real shitty Texas driver's license,

this fake ID, [laughs]

and I--it somehow worked.

So my ex and I,

we always lived in a place that only had one bathroom.

And one of the fights that we had over and over

was because he would take 45-minute man shits.

I see some of you are also familiar with this phenomenon.

I don't know what you guys do in there.

You guys go numb from the waist down.

Your butthole's completely dry out.

It's like a craisin back there.

You guys are just sitting in there

for an entire episode of "Ozark."

I don't--what is happening?

And so I asked him early on. I was like,

"Hey, why does it take you so long to do that?"

And he goes, "Well, my doctor told me

that it's bad to push, so I don't push.

I just sit, and I let it fall out."

[laughter]

It's like what are you, a geisha?

What are you trying to take these dainty shits for?

You're a man. Just grab onto something,

fire it out, get the fuck out of there.

It's Sunday. We gotta go to Costco."

And I have irritable bowel syndrome,

which makes every situation like that worse.

It basically means like there's no warning

for anything that's going to happen to my body.

I'll just be in the produce aisle of the grocery store,

and then my butthole's like, "Release the Kraken."

I'm like, "Oh, Christ," you know.

Startles me, it's terrible.

So, you know,

a while back when we were living together,

one day he went into the bathroom

for one of his sessions,

and I knew it was gonna be a session

because I could hear him lock the door.

So he gets about 20 minutes into his usual 45 minutes

when I start to feel some fireworks.

And I'm like, "Oh, no."

So I text him, and I'm like,

"Hey, I'm about to shit my pants."

Siren emoji. Fire emoji.

He doesn't respond.

I can hear his phone get my text.

And then I hear him just continue

to watch "Arrested Development." I'm like, "Asshole, asshole."

So now I'm faced with the reality

that I do not have access to a toilet,

and I've got some demons coming down the chute.

I am in apocalypse survival mode.

So now, I start frantically looking around our apartment

for a substitute toilet.

The first thing I see is the kitchen sink.

I know. I know. Right away, I was like, "Too high."

[laughter]

It's a lot of gymnastics I'm not qualified for.

Next thing I saw was his Boston Red Sox hat,

which emotionally felt like the right choice

'cause I would like to soft-serve him

some piping hot justice, you know what I mean?

For putting me in that predicament.

But I was like, "You know, that's a lot of aim.

I'm not comfortable with that. Pass."

Finally, I see in the corner of the living room,

there's an empty cardboard Amazon box.

And I'm, like, this is as good as it's gonna get.

So at 2:00 PM on a Tuesday,

I had to rip my pants down, squat,

and I fired out some lava with faster delivery

than Amazon has ever offered.

Your Prime account's got nothing on my asshole.

And I'm just like squatting and crying.

Our cats walked up to me, like, trying to touch noses.

I'm like, "Get out of here."

They had a look on their face I have never seen before.

They're just looking at me like, "Oh, you are one of us."

[laughter]

Peace be with you."

And, you know, I've never been in this situation before.

I was going through a lot of emotions as it was happening.

Mostly rage. Mostly rage.

I was pretty pissed at my husband for forcing me

to poop in a box like an old homeless man

while he and his delicate flower of an asshole

got to enjoy some nice princess poops, you know?

Just a nice little plop, plop,

[vocalizing] - [laughter]

Just a nice spa day for him.

Meanwhile, I'm wiping with a sock.

Blood vessels bursting in my eyeballs and forehead.

I was so pissed. I was so mad at him.

So after I was done, I boxed it back up.

[laughter]

I know. You want me to walk around with it open?

You got--you got to box it back up.

So I boxed it back up,

and I was getting ready to walk it outside to the dumpster,

and as I was about to walk out with it,

that's when he finally came out of the bathroom,

and he just saw me standing there with an Amazon box.

And he goes,

"Oh, sweet, did my PlayStation controller come?"

[laughter]

And his reaction brought me more joy

than every Christmas morning combined.

[laughter]

'Cause he was so confused he didn't understand

that it was me who did that.

[laughter]

'Cause why would he think that his sweet little wife

would literally shit into a box and hand it to him?

Who does that? I do.

[laughter]

Oh, it was the best.

I, uh, I feel like I knew when the passion died

in our relationship because he called me bud.

- WOMAN: Uh-hmm. - Yeah. It's not a good sign.

My stomach hurt and I groaned, and he was like,

"Hey, how are you feeling, bud?"

[laughter]

"Uh, worse. Yeah."

Now that I became your son.

[laughter]

Gonna be late for Little League.

Ugh, it bothered me so much, I hated it,

so the next time that we had sex,

right as he was about to finish,

I whispered in his ear,

"Hit me with that load, chief."

[laughter]

Yeah. I have never seen a man hate an orgasm before.

All right. I'm Kelsey Cook. Thank you guys so much.

Have a great night.

[cheers and applause]

My mom was always supportive from the beginning.

My dad took a little bit longer to warm up to it

because randomly, when your daughter's like,

"Hey,

I'm gonna be a clown." You're like, "What?

Why would you make this decision?"

And I get it.

If you're a dad, you don't wanna watch

your daughter talk about cumming, so--

Man: [chuckles]

But I think once he saw that I started to make money

on it and that doors were opening,

he got onboard, and now he--

both of my parents are my biggest fans.

They come to every show when I'm in town.

They watch everything that goes online.

They're amazing. I'm really, really lucky.

We would get roasted a lot and teased because,

you know, we would look poor in hand-me-down.

They used to say they could tell what we were having for lunch

'cause the stains would be on my vest.

[man laughs]

And I just got murdered in the cafeteria with that line.

Everybody was like, "Oh."

So I had to immediately start clapping back, man,

and just start roasting people's hairline, shoes,

whatever you can.

Anything was fresh up on the table.

At that point,

I got a reputation for just being funny.

I didn't even know I had that in me,

but it was like, you know, fight or flight.

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage Kiry Shabazz.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, all. It takes me a minute to get to the stage,

so people got to clap extra long. So thank you all.

[laughter]

Being here, man. How y'all feeling?

Y'all feeling good?

[cheers and applause]

I don't know, man, I am--

I'm following my dreams. I don't recommend it.

If you're gonna-- - [laughter]

No, for real 'cause the sneeze and the cough

took out my whole industry.

Like, it's not-- - [laughter]

And I've worked hard to get to where I'm at.

I was work--I used to work at a lot of fast food restaurants.

I was working at Taco Bell, and I was really good at it.

Like, I was extremely good.

Like, to this day, I still know

how to make a Crunchwrap Supreme.

I still-- - [laughter]

Y'all don't believe me. 12-inch tortilla,

pump of nacho cheese, scoop of beef,

take the crunchy tostada shell, put it on top,

good to swirl so it's an even portion of beef and cheese,

when you bite into the center.

Circle pump of sour cream, four finger pinch of lettuce,

three finger pinch of tomato, wrap it like a semi-octagon,

grill it for 17 seconds, and serve.

That is a useless fucking skill I possess.

[cheers and applause]

Please don't condescend. Please.

I was working at Taco Bell at the time,

and I kept getting in trouble 'cause I would joke around

and say shit that'll piss, you know--Taco Bell has a HR.

I know it's shocking. But they actually--

they actually have a fucking HR department.

But I would get in trouble all the time for joking about shit.

They had me work in the back kitchen.

I'm the only Black dude back here working,

but I was always in the back.

Like, they never wanted me in the front of the house.

Literally, I was in the back and I started singing spirituals.

Like, I will be back there mopping, like...

♪ Swing low

Just like loud as fuck.

And my friend pulled me to the side.

He was doing improv.

He was like, "Hey, man, I know this club.

Come try stand-up comedy and, you know,

do it and you can sing spirituals on stage all day

and you could have that outlet." And that felt great.

My manager recently reached out.

He was like, "Hey, you wanna come back?"

I'm like, "No. What the fuck?" Like--

[laughter]

I had to lie and pretend I was busy

doing like famous Hollywood shit,

but I secretly wanted to go back. Like, it's not--

But I can't do it.

There's no way I will ever go back to Taco Bell.

The only way I'll go--

I thought about it long and hard,

is if we're attacked like a alien life force.

[laughter]

And NASA finds out that the aliens

really love Taco Bell.

[laughter]

Like, I don't know. Like, there's some kind

of chemical in there that the aliens love.

It's like gold on their planet, and they're like,

"We need a expert to put a nuclear device

in a Crunchwrap Supreme

and blow up their spaceship.

Who do we know?"

And they'd come, they find me.

I'm living off-the-grid at my log cabin.

[laughter]

They show up. I'm all grizzled and disheveled,

Like, "I don't do that anymore. I gave that life up.

That's the old me."

[laughter]

But they finally convinced me to come back to save mankind.

They take me to their secret training ground.

They have a whole secret operation going on.

They got all these scientists and astronauts

trying to make Taco Bell.

[laughter]

These guys been at MIT. They're book smart.

They don't know about making real authentic Taco Bell.

[laughter]

Quiz them immediately.

"You, glasses, right there. Beefy five layer burrito?"

[stutters]

"Boom. Done. In space it'll be out.

You gotta make it quick. 30 seconds flat.

Now, I gotta talk to who's in charge.

Who's in charge of this?

I'm only doing this mission under two conditions

if we do it my way with my crew. That's the only way."

[laughter]

I put a lot of thought in this. I smoke a lot of weed. I--

[laughter]

Now, I gotta drive around. You know, in black SUVs

with federal agents or a crew, no team,

for one last mission to save mankind.

You know, get the gang back together.

The people on my list are highly qualified,

but to NASA they look suspicious.

First lady, her name is Maria.

She's pregnant with her third child.

Like, what do we need with a pregnant teenage girl?

It's like, "We need somebody to work the registers,

all right? Every Taco Bell has one.

The next guy on the list is even more suspicious.

His name is Phillip.

He's a 50-year-old White man addicted to meth and heroin.

[laughter]

They're like, "What the fuck do we need

with a 50-year-old white meth addict?"

I was like, "We need a store manager.

Now look." - [laughter]

I wish that wasn't true.

I really had a manager named Phil who's a meth addict.

I wish--Maybe I should have changed his name for this bit.

I don't know, but... - [laughter]

He wasn't self-aware.

He would try to compliment me but offend me at the same time.

He was like, "Hey, man. You're doing a good job.

I see a lot of myself in you."

I'm like, "Nigga, don't ever say that again."

The fuck is wrong with you? That was so discouraging."

And I'm not blowing down on Taco Bell.

Get it how you live, it's just-- I just--it's like, okay.

I went back home and I got a job at Target,

and it was rough

because just a month before that, I was on TV.

I just had a comedy thing air on TV.

It was amazing. And a month later,

I was checking receipts at the door at Target.

That shit was fucking miserable, man.

My soul was crushed.

I had to smile at white people at the door at Target

like a good little Negro every day.

Like, "Hey, there. How you doing? [mumbles]"

Like, it was just-- - [laughter]

I had to smile and be friendly to white kids.

"Y'all be good to your mammmies." Slappity-slap.

I didn't-- - [laughter]

[laughs] I'm goddamn right.

But I did. I went back home. I went back home.

A lot of people went back home. Strange times, man.

And going back home is always a good idea

until you actually go back home.

Then you realize that's the worst decision

you could have ever made in your life,

but I wanted to be near family.

I'm a Black man. Family is big to us.

I got a question for real. and I don't--white people.

Sir, white-- do white people have cousins?

- WOMAN: Yeah. - Like, no.

[laughter]

She said, "Yeah." No.

I know you all have cousins,

but do you all interact with them?

- I never see-- - WOMAN: Yeah.

Because--no. Okay.

Well, for some white people who don't know,

like, cousins are the shit to minorities.

We love our fucking cousins.

Like, our cousin-- Like, a cousin is a bond

forged by childhood tragedy.

You know what I mean?

Every loving memory of my cousin is due to some horrific event.

Every time I hung out with them is because either one

of our utilities was cut out. Like, that's--

Their mom was running away from their boyfriend,

and we hung out for a week and was Power Rangers.

It was amazing.

My mom battled with addiction, so my dad was like,

"We need to get him somewhere more stable."

So I have a older brother and then a younger sister.

So we all three went to Cleveland, and then--

Yeah, we just thugged it out in Cleveland from there on out.

MAN: So you go to be raised by who in Cleveland?

My grandmother which is my dad's mom.

- MAN: Yeah. - Yeah. So, I was raised by her.

Really, man, just one of the kindest,

like, nicest ladies.

She worked most of her life doing the education system

so we had encyclopedias,

and, like, we were reading fucking Edgar Allan Poe

and Emily Dickinson and all kind of crazy shit.

She was everything to me. She was my mom,

she was my father, she was my teacher.

She took us all in.

If you-- literally it was like a--

it was a drop-off zone for kids. She was like a fire station.

You could just bring your baby and no questions asked.

[man laughs]

That's what family's for, man. And I went back.

I thought it would help my sister.

She's a single mom raising kids. She has a lot of kids.

My sister has so many kids.

Like, the rules in her house are a little different.

In her house, like, the minute you learn how to walk,

you are on your own. You got to figure it out.

[laughter]

It's dog eat dog. You are on your own.

And I was at her house, and I saw my niece getting ready

to take her first steps for the first time.

And in that moment,

I just had to sweep her feet and knock her down.

Like, "not yet, baby girl. Not yet.

Just hang in there a little bit.

Once you start walking, I can't help you. It's over."

I think the hardest part, too, about going back home

is you realize your mind has changed.

You no longer think the same way.

You have different values.

I've been in California for a long time.

I am like a common law liberal,

like, it's just-- it's ingrained.

I just-- I'm a California liberal.

I shop at Sprouts.

I didn't have the right mentality

to go back to Ohio and be in a hood.

Like, I was at my dad's house,

and there was this cat stuck in a tree.

And the cat was meowing. Like, it just...meow!

Like, it was miserable, and nobody gave a fuck.

No one gave--I was furious.

I'm like, this would never happen in Berkeley.

There's no way.

If a cat was stuck in a tree in Berkeley,

they will send a fucking task force.

They will get that cat a grievance counselor.

Some white bitch would've adopted it and named it Mittens.

Like, that cat-- - [laughter]

They would have spared no cost.

But here in Ohio, people walk by calloused.

Didn't give a fuck about that cat.

And finally, after a few days, I snapped.

I was talking to my dad, and he said some shit

that was so-- You ever hear something

that was so ignorant but brilliant at the same time?

I went up to him, and I was like, "Hey, Dad,

let me use your ladder." He was like, "For what?"

I was like, "I'm-a get that cat out that tree.

That cat is starving."

And he was like, "That cat ain't starving."

I was like, "How do you know?" He was like,

"'Cause he's still that goddamn tree."

I was like, "Oh, my God."

[laughter]

That made so much sense to me.

If that cat was starving,

he would get the fuck out the tree.

That night I went home,

and I start looking at my own life.

Like, "Am I stuck in my own dream?" Like...

[laughter]

I was like, "I gotta do,"--

if you have any problems in life,

stop crying and complaining and waiting for the people

to bail you out and rescue you.

Work hard and pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

I didn't like my dad's message, but it was real,

'cause when I came back that cat was out of the tree.

It collapsed from starvation and fell to his death, but...

[laughter]

That's where y'all draw the line,

with the fake cat in the goddamn tree?

[laughter]

Well, my mom, she was addicted to methamphetamine,

and she battled with that for some time,

and she was able to get clean

and kind of get off drugs and turn her life around.

And I met her when I was 13.

So we go out to California.

My dad wants to surprise her, 'cause that's a fun prank.

Like, "Hey, I'm here with your kids you never met."

So... - Man: [laughing]

Just--I'm--man, I'm dead ass. Like, he just was like,

"Hey, wouldn't this be funny?" I'm like, "Yeah, I guess."

[man laughs]

We caught a Greyhound, man, four days to California.

We get into town, and it was the most awkward,

uncomfortable shit ever.

Just like, "Hey, hey, you know, these guys."

Like, it's just--it was his way of trying to be fun

and funny and break the ice,

but it made the tension so thick.

She doesn't have time to prepare the house or nothing.

You know, you wanna put on a good impression?

But, yeah, it felt like it was a stranger, man.

It really did.

[laughter]

I'm done with debates with people online.

I'm tired of it. I don't know if you guys are.

I'm not arguing with you online no more,

because I don't believe in people's philosophies.

I don't believe all lives matter.

That's absurd. Every life doesn't matter.

[laughter]

The fifth member of a K-pop band,

his life does not matter.

There are nine other people that looks exactly like him or her.

I'm not sure.

I don't wanna debate with people, man.

Because like--I got-- the last debate I got into,

this guy was complaining

about his constitutional rights being violated.

He was like,

"It is my constitutional right not to wear a mask.

You have to respect the Constitution.

What document in America do you know is more powerful

than the Constitution?"

I was like, "Dude, a doctor's note, by far.

Like, a doctor's note..." - [laughter]

"...is the most powerful document in America."

It is widely respected.

You don't believe me?

Don't show up to work for 30 days and pop up

with a Constitution if you want to.

[laughter]

They'll fire you immediately. You have a doctor's note,

they might have to pay for those missed days.

In fact, none of us could be here tonight

if we didn't have a doctor's note.

I couldn't email them a Bill of Rights.

[laughter]

I would be unemployed right now. It's not bad. Think about this.

To get your constitutional rights,

you might have to protest.

You might have to like, you know,

hire an attorney and get a federal case.

Imagine how much trouble a doctor's note would have saved

some prolific civil rights activist. Right?

Like, I could just see it now.

Like, "Oh, shit. My bad, Rosa Parks.

I didn't know you had a doctor's note."

[laughter]

"It says here your fibromyalgia is acting up.

Get up, white bitch. She has a note. Get up."

[laughter]

I'm just saying.

It'd have been different if Martin Luther King

had a dream signed by his physician.

It would have went by... - [laughter]

...a lot more smooth.

I'm also embarrassed, like, sometimes a political debate,

'cause we all wanna to look intellectual.

And my, like, ADD kicks in. I can't always focus.

I'll give you guys an example.

The last intellectual conversation I was in

was about Antifa.

And the whole time I kept thinking, like,

Antifa sounds like a name of a sitcom

Queen Latifah was supposed to star in.

Doesn't it? Like...

It sound like the sitcom was supposed to come out in 2020,

but they canceled it, like, because of the protest.

It's just didn't translate and ends well.

Here's the premise of the show.

Queen Latifah moves to a new city

to help raise her nieces and nephews.

The tag line is, "Antifa's here to take over Seattle."

[laughter]

I'm like, "We can't use this shit. We need..."

And that is how adults never invite you

to a serious conversation again.

[laughter]

I can't take things serious, man.

And then it's like...

I don't know how to, like, explain it either.

Like, I'm trying to- I'm trying to do my best

to cope-we all are.

Everybody's trying to cope right now

with staying at home.

And I've gotten further. I stream everything now.

And I went through a phase of streaming

like drug cartel movies.

They're my favorite.

And my favorite thing about them,

and I noticed a patterning.

Every drug cartel leader

tells the most amazing stories ever.

They're fucking amazing storytellers.

It doesn't matter what the story is.

And I love this part of the movie.

I always know when it's coming up.

It's usually when someone owes them money,

and they're about to give them 24 hours.

And they light that cigarette.

It don't matter what the story is.

It's fucking brilliant, all right?

"Oh, you don't have my money? Okay.

Do you know my favorite story when I was a little boy?

The Itsy Bitsy Spider."

[laughter]

"You see, every day the spider,

he goes up the water spout in the roof.

Down come the rain he wash him down.

He does not know what to do. He goes right back up the spot,

and again the rain washes him down.

And then one day, the sun--

the sun come out and dry up of the rain.

And that itsy bitsy spider

makes it all the way up to the top.

Now you tell me this.

If I'm the fucking sun

and I dry up the rain

and you make it to the top

and you don't have my fucking money,

how mad do you think I would be?"

"Like, whoa.

That is not the ending of the Itsy Bitsy Spider."

[laughter]

"But I love what you did there, sir."

I love it, man. And, I don't know,

like, it made me appreciate Latin culture more.

That might seem fucked up, but I want to learn

more about my Latin brethren and sistrens, right?

Starting with language. I have not--

I got time on my hand.

I know I stammered through that [mumbling].

That's what happens when you have big jaws like this.

[mumbling]

Again, I want to learn a language.

I got a language app.

Anybody know these language apps?

I got one. It teaches me a new Spanish word every day.

I just learned a Spanish word.

Abuela.

It means "grandma" in Spanish.

I didn't know that.

Where I'm from, we call our grandmas

the legal guardians. I was...

[laughter]

KIRY: The hardest part right now for me, I think,

is just dealing with the, you know,

loss of my grandma. She passed away in 2010.

Yeah, sacrifice.

I sacrificed some really good years.

And... - MAN: Grandma for your mom?

With my grandma for a mom.

When I came back after high school,

kind of, you know, spent time with her,

and get to know her and, you know, reconnect with her,

I didn't know at the time that'd be the last years,

you know, in my grandma's life.

So I felt like I kind of sacrificed

those last years kind of really being with her

and get to know her to, uh...

to reconnect with somebody who didn't want that connection.

And so that kind of always,

um--that weighs heavy on me.

The one person I really kind of wanna make proud

or the person I really wanna just see me shine

in any moment can't witness that.

And now-so everything I do now,

there's always that weight of, you know, she'll never see it,

and the people who get to enjoy it are the people

who didn't invest in it or care about it.

And then another thing people

are worried about too is quarantine weight.

Everyone's gained quarantine weight.

And I don't know what it is. I'm just getting

mature and more confident.

I love my body size now. I fucking love it.

Like, I look in the mirror every day, I'm like,

"I have a fucking king's body." You know what I mean?

This is a body of a 16th century king.

[laughter]

Like, my body is very Robert Baratheon.

This is very...

I just look in the mirror

and say kingly shit and turn myself on.

Like, "Feed him to the lions."

Like, I just...

"More wine, whore."

My mom's like, "Call me another whore,

I'm-a whoop your..."

"Silence."

I don't envy in-shape dudes no more 'cause now I get it.

I've been learning stuff about evolution.

I understand now why I'm shaped this way

and why y'all are in shape.

Dude, you look like you in great shape, right?

You got muscles.

Women like that.

When they see you, they look at you like,

"He can give me babies that can climb trees."

I don't send women that kind of pheromones.

My pheromones say,

"He took the elevator instead of the stairs."

Like, that's the pheromones I give.

But it doesn't bother me, sir,

'cause I know my body is the perfect body

for laying on fur rugs and being fed grapes.

Like, this is a perfect governing body.

Your body is in shape

so you can build my pyramids and fight my wars.

[laughter]

My personal trainer hate it that I have this new philosophy.

He's like, "No, dude. That's not--

you're going to die." Like...

[laughter]

Oh, fuck.

I think I'm the only Black man with gout.

I don't know.

I've been enjoying myself on this quarantine.

Some shit has been rough

'cause now they do a lot of deliveries.

Some places you can't get delivered,

because it's the experience you love.

And I'll share this with you guys.

I'm not ashamed of it.

There's one place I miss dearly. Panera Bread.

I miss the full white experience

of a Panera Bread.

I fucking love it.

It is my day to enjoy white bliss, enjoy--

I go in there and act a white-ass fool.

I wear my white garbs--

cargo shorts, sandals with no socks.

I go in there,

and it's the experience I love.

There's always a friendly white bitch

named Emily there to greet me.

"Hi. Welcome to Panera." She's happy.

She's kind and patient.

She offers me free samples.

She's like, "Have you ever had quiche?"

I'm like, "No." She knows I'm a fat-ass lie,

I've had quiche,

but she still lets me indulge.

They got Norah Jones and Michael Buble playing.

It's a vibe.

But today's a special day. I'm here for a special treat.

I'm here for my broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl.

This shit is amazing.

I look forward to this day.

But when I went back home to Ohio,

I didn't know there was such a thing

as a Panera Bread in the hood.

I didn't know.

I wasn't ready.

Not the same experience.

I don't know who does the gerrymandering in Ohio,

but they have not...

[laughter]

They didn't-they gerrymandered Paneras in the hood.

Somebody fucked up, royally.

And don't get me wrong.

Y'all know I've checked receipts at Target.

I've worked at Taco Bell.

I'm not trying to dog it.

I love my people. Not at fucking Panera.

Listen, I will not tolerate it in the hood.

I'm sorry, man. You can shake your head all you want.

I will not be robbed of my Panera experience.

'Cause as soon as I go in, there's no friendly bitch

named Emily there to greet me.

There's Tasha, and she already has an attitude

for some shit I didn't do to her.

[laughter]

It's not my fault you let your boyfriend

drive your car when you at work and now he ain't text you back

and he's late picking you up. I didn't do that, bitch.

Bring me the menu.

[laughter]

She's mad. Her eyelashes has attitude.

I don't even get a free sample of quiche.

They don't have quiche.

There's a bitch that works here named Quiche,

but there's no...

there's no quiche.

And they're doing shit I know

that's against the company policies

'cause there's no Norah Jones or Michael Buble. No.

Somebody connected their phone to the fucking radio,

and they're playing trap music in a fucking Panera Bread.

[laughter]

This ain't no Panera vibe.

And I'm trying to keep it together as a Black man.

I'm trying to stay strong for--

'Cause I know they're just working their job.

I'm trying to stay strong. I'm not trying to go full white.

I keep it on--you know, I don't go full white.

I don't do white- extra white shit

like get butternut squash soup. I don't do that.

That's taking things way too far.

But I'm trying to be very patient.

I order my broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl.

And when I go up to the register, there's a young man--

you know, the back-- the little serving station?

There's a young brother back there,

and he informs me

that they don't have any bread bowls today

and would I like to eat my soup in a bowl.

Are you fucking kidding me? No.

Out of a bowl like a peasant?

You want me to eat my soup out of a bowl

like a fucking foreigner? No.

I might as well tie my hands behind my back

and eat it with my fucking face.

Give me a fucking bread bowl.

I'm containing my anger.

I'm containing--I-Again, whatever, man. Put it in a bowl.

They assemble my soup, and they give it to me,

and I'm holding my anger in 'cause I'm realizing,

"Kiry, you can't do this right now.

You're a Black man. You about to turn into a Karen."

I didn't wanna...

[laughter]

I didn't wanna go and ask for the manager,

but they fucked up,

'Cause I know non-bread bowl protocol.

In a sense of an emergency that a Panera Bread

is tragically out of bread bowls,

you get bread to go with it on the side.

Not a bread bowl, but you can still dip

those soft middles into the soup.

It's still an enjoyable experience.

So I go back up there and I inform the young brother,

"Hey, you forgot my baguette."

[laughter]

He looks confused. He was like,

"Wait. I thought you wanted that for here.

Now you want me to bag it?" I said no.

[laughter]

I would like a baguette.

He still looked confused, so I pointed to it.

He was like, "Oh, my nigga, you mean bread?" "No, I don't."

[laughter]

You mean bread?

I'm mad. Ooh, I was livid.

Ain't that a word white women use?

"I was livid. I was...

I was outraged."

I was like, "What's going on, man?

Everything is out of order and in disarray.

What's going on? Like, is something...

You guys okay? Y'all short-staffed?"

He said, "No. Our manager didn't come in today.

He hasn't been coming in at all, man.

He's been gone for like a week."

I was like, "What? That's fucked up.

Why is he not showing up?" He's like, "I don't know, man,

but he had a doctor's note,

so there's nothing we could do about it."

[laughter]

He got a point there.

I'm Kiry Shabazz. Y'all been amazing. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I think in comedy, the best gift you can have

is breaking that mold of what people expect.

When someone sees me onstage,

they're probably gonna have an idea of what's gonna come out

of my mouth or what material they're gonna hear,

'cause I have that look. When people see me,

there should be just buffoon music playing.

Just like boomp--boomp--boomp, boomp--boomp--boomp.

But then I love like kind of shocking people,

like hitting them randomly with a Thoreau quote

or popping something out of left field that they don't know.

And, again, looking back at my grandma,

it's a nod to her, having that toolkit

of being able to pull different shit out,

that's a weapon, and I love that. I love that.

♪