All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e09_English

♪

BLAQ RON: Yeah, they got me
on the therapy couch.

MAN: That's what we're about.

They got me on the--

on the "How did that
make you feel?"

I am not the funny one
in my family.

I'm just the one who does
this shit professionally.

My parents are hilarious.

Kicking that ass tonight.

Big boo--these are
my ass-kicking boots.

All right.

You know, the sense of humor
kicked in for survival,

because it was, you know,
I was--I was bullied

which I think is like a lot
of comedians' backstory.

- What's up, Deb?
- Hello.

You like that,
getting your face fixed?

Yeah.

RON: My family
is a roasting family.

Like, come to a family
gathering

and think that
we ain't gonna let you know

that, that outfit ain't shit.

We gon' let you know.

Soon as we get through hugging:
"Oh, baby, good to see you.

Now, where the hell
is you going in that?

'Cause that outfit
ain't shit."

Not a terrible way
to spend the day.

I have a fraternal twin.

I'm eight minutes younger
than she is.

We're nothing alike.

People wouldn't even guess
we're sisters.

Like, especially not twins

because by--just because, um,

she was the prom queen.
Like, that's it.

You know, I'm just like,
that was always my joke,

because, like, one of
my first jokes was like,

she was the prom queen
and I was

you know, the fun one.

I'll see y'all,
when I get sexy.

I'll be back.

♪

[laughter]

DEBRA: Like, one
of my nicknames in school--

I don't know why
I'm gonna tell you this,

but I'm gonna--was Placenta,

so that's not great.

Someone using an encyclopedia,

do you know
what I'm talking about?

And, um...

and it hasn't affected
me at all.

I'm fine.

You guys are a lot of fun.

You're in for a great night
of comedy.

Put your hands together

for the very funny
Debra DiGiovanni.

[crowd cheering]

Hi, everybody.
Keep going, I'm slow.

You got to keep moving,
you got to keep--

I'm very slow.
It was two steps.

Did you see that?

I'm exhausted.
Anyway, guys, hi.

It's nice to be here.

Look at us, we're out.

Oh, it's fun.

- Is it fun? I don't know.
- Yes.

I'm not sure. [sighs]

To be honest with you,
I do have to leave

because I have
a jigsaw puzzle

with my name on it at home,
do you know what I'm saying?

You're nice,
but I got the sides done.

Hey, you know what I mean?

I don't need to tell you
how exciting that is.

- [laughter]
- Okay, maybe I do.

Anyway, the thing is
we're here and we're alive,

and let's just say this
before we get started--

I also hate my shirt.
I also hate my shirt.

Can we just get it
out of the way?

I'm not proud of myself.
Is it pajamas?

Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

I'm scared to check the label.
I don't wanna know.

I really don't.
I will sleep in this, though,

so fuck you.
But the thing is, you know--

you don't know me,
[laughs]

I will sleep in this.
Anyway--and by "will,"

I mean, I have
for the last four nights.

But, uh, I feel good,
I'm comfortable.

Now I'll tell you this,
everyone.

I'm excited to be standing.
This is fun, isn't it?

Standing?

Since quarantine started,
I have not stood once.

I've not stood once.

I logroll around my apartment.

I will not stand.
My feet, like baby's feet.

Tender feet.
They are just--

And I find--I find
I've learned a lot about myself

in quarantine,
I've learned a lot.

Like, I--before, I used
too much toilet paper,

I've always used too much
toilet paper,

my whole life.

Now I'm down to four squares.

You know what I mean?
Four squares.

Efficient, I'm good.

Before,
I was making a catcher's mitt

out of toilet paper.

[laughter]

What am I do--I'm not--
I'm not sick.

I don't know
what's wrong with me

but I'm making some changes.

And I am quarantining alone,
and at first,

at the beginning of
the quarantine, I was all like,

"Oh, everyone that's married,
you're so lucky."

Now, I know--solo people,
we are winning.

We are winning this.
We are winning this.

Oh, now I'm not--
I'm not totally alone,

There is this spider
in my kitchen.

There's a spider in my kitchen.

It's taunting me.
I'm scared to death.

And I won't kill it

because, first of all,
I'm frightened.

And secondly,
I don't want it to make that

that crunching noise, you know?

Have you ever killed a--
[gags]

What am I, an animal?
I can't do it.

So this is what I thought.

Ooh, this is what I thought.

I will get a glass.

I will put that glass
over the spider,

cut off its air supply
and suffocate it to death.

Ho, ho, ho!

So I don't want it
to make a crunching noise,

but I will watch it die slowly
under glass.

Do you see what I'm saying?

I'm a murderer, the--I've
turned into a murderer.

And I'm gonna tell you,
everyone,

the glass has not helped at all.
It's not helped.

It's three days later and that
spider is very much alive.

It is very much alive.

To be honest,
I think it's gained power.

I'm pretty sure
it's gained--

Pretty sure
it said my name tonight.

You know what I mean? I was
walking past the kitchen:

"Debra."
I was like, "Oh, God!

"How does it know my name?"

I come from
a big Italian family.

My dad was, uh,

an accountant,
a professional man

and my mom was home
with five kids

and it was very, you know,

it was very Brady Bunch-ish.

Everyone came to our house
after school.

There was, you know, snacks

and people would come--
because it's always, you know,

fun at the DiGiovanni's house

and everyone
called her Mrs. D.

And that's who she was,
but my mom and I did not have--

uh, we did not
have a close relationship.

- MAN: You didn't?
- I was--no.

Me and my mom really struggled.

So I wasn't, um...yeah.

Now, the last gig that I had

before the quarantine started,
I was working on a cruise,

and it was a gay cruise.

It was me
and 6,500 gay men, yes.

- [crowd cheering]
- Oh, yeah.

But it gets better.

The average age of the men:

70 years old.

- Seventy years old.
- [laughter]

It was the greatest thing
in the world.

Now, don't get me wrong,
these men were down to fuck,

but...

they also went to bed
at a reasonable hour.

It was fantastic! You know?

It was lights out at 9:00.

Lights out at 9:00.

The parties were at 4:30.

It was the greatest thing
in the world.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

A lot of leathered chaps,
quarter to five,

Quarter to five.

And they all called me
"young lady."

I was like,
"Can I live here?

"Do I live here now?
Can I please live here?"

It's the greatest thing
that's ever happened.

Now I'll tell you this,
everyone:

I've been watching a lot
of pornography,

for research,
I'm writing a paper.

But I'll tell you...
I have.

This is what happens, right?
You're at home, by yourself,

and you're like,
"Let's watch--" You know,

"Let's watch some porn."
And I have.

It's--I'm not--
I'm not proud of myself.

But I will tell you,
I've been watching

the same pornography

for the last 25 years.

The same one.

It's just a five-minute clip.

You know what I mean?

He kisses her shoulder
and I am done.

That's all I need.
That's it.

Good night, Marie, I'm done.

Do you know what I'm saying?

But I'll tell you,
the people,

the actors in the movie
that I enjoy, at this point,

they've got to be dead,
at this point.

They are long dead at this.
May they rest.

So basically
what I'm telling you,

I've been watching porn

in memoriam at this point.

I am--God bless them.

You know what I mean?
They've done good work.

So I decided
to look up some new stuff.

I was like,
"Let's see something else.

"Let's jazz it up a bit, Deej."

So this is what--I was like,
"Okay, fine."

Now I don't know
if you know this, everyone,

but in the world of sex,
everybody,

choking is now considered

"vanilla sex."

Choking another human.

Vanilla sex, that's vanilla.

If that is vanilla, please don't
tell me what rocky road is.

I'll never sleep again.
I'll never sleep again.

Do you want me
to have night terrors?

Why are you doing this to me?

So then I watched
the pornography,

and I don't wanna spoil it
for you but, uh...

I cried during this porn
and not because it was scary

but because it was nice,
it was nice.

And this is--this is
what was going on in the movie.

Again, okay,
I don't wanna ruin it, um.

He was going down on her
and they were holding hands,

and I got to tell you,

that's what got me.
That's what got me.

It's the connection
that I miss,

you know what I mean?
That is--

Okay, to be honest,
this is, you know--

actually this is not
my joke book.

This is my journal.

I shouldn't be reading
from this.

This is the wrong one.

I will tell you, though,

uh, it just--

It just says "Mom"
written in blood.

That's weird.

It's not my blood, though,
so we're fine.

The food trouble started
very young.

Like, for me, honestly, like--
well, might as well say it--

like, for me honestly,
it's like,

you know, drugs, alcohol,

but like I am--I am--uh,

food is the thing for me.

Like, I mean,
I know people start

drinking and doing drugs,
like, young.

You know, if I would've
had that chance,

I probably would've
at eleven but, you know,

ice cream was easier

and more accessible
at seven for me.

And then that's when I started
to get heavy.

So when I started to get heavy,

that really put a severe wedge

between me and my mother

because, um...

I think
it embarrassed her,

I think she was--

because I come from a--

I come from,
like, a family of babes.

Like, I really do.
Like, every one of my family,

like, they're all hot
and gorgeous,

Like... [sighs]

It just--it just really did.

Like,
it really separated us.

And then it was, you know,

the minute I went away
to college,

I was like--
I just did not return.

Anyway, let's keep moving.

I will say
I am one of those ladies

that likes younger men

and there's a term for that.

It is, um, uh...

broken emotionally.

That is--it's broken,
deep down in the heart.

But I had the troubles.
I got the troubles.

And I am going to jail,
so I'm fine.

I know I'm going to jail.
I am--I'm prepare--

You know, the thing is,
I'm ready for jail.

I'm not scared of jail.
I'm really not.

The only thing
that scares me about prison

is I'm scared
I'm not gonna make friends.

That's what scares me
about jail.

Can you imagine being in jail
for, like, five years

and not making any friends?

Oh, my God.

It's like moving to LA
all over again.

[laughter]
[audience] Whoa!

Whoa, that was too soon.
That hurt my heart.

That got me right in the heart,
you know.

Of course,
my heart always hurts.

I should exercise.
The thing is, the message is...

Oh, goodness.
I'll tell you this, too.

I'm gonna ask you a question.
Just be honest with me.

I'm gonna ask you a question.

Do you guys ever get tired
of washing,

uh, like, your body?

Do you ever--do you ever?

Do you ever--do you ever look
at the shower

and go, "What the fuck?
This again?

"I got to do this again?"

I have so much hair,
I'm exhausted.

I can't keep going.
It's too much.

And I'll tell you--

I know you know this
about California.

There is no water pressure
in California.

Are you kidding me?
This state, there's no water--.

My tears have more water
pressure

than this fucking state.

Because I can get a gush going.
After the show, for sure.

But I'll say this:

I am very scared
to run out of water.

I'm terrified to run out
of water and here's why:

'Cause I know
I'm not gonna make it

in a "Mad Max" situation,
do you know what I mean?

Like, if the world,
like, gets all Thunderdome

and there's like a war
for water?

I don't have a ch--
I'm not even gonna try.

I'm gonna sit down
until I'm dead.

That is it.
I'm not gonna move.

'Cause the scariest thing
you can say to me is "run."

Holy fuck.
Are you kidding me?

That is--I'm not--I'm just
gonna lie down until I'm gone.

"Just go around me"
is my message.

Go around me.
That's it, all right?

My friends
used to call me Tank

because I could drink so much,
you know.

MAN: And what kind of,
um, drunk were you?

"Whoo!" I was that drunk.

"Yeah!"
I was always that one.

That was--I'm from a small town.

"Let's git her!"
Like, that was totally me.

And then when I started,
uh, smoking weed

'cause then my late
high school/college boyfriend

was a big pothead,
and then I was just like,

"Oh, I like this way better,"
and then...yeah.

Here's something.
You know what I hate?

When people ask you this:
"What do you do for fun?"

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Seriously, that's an attack.

"What do you do for fun?"

Fuck you.
That's what I do.

That's it.

What's wrong with you?

Nobody does anything for fun.

We sit and we stare
and we like it.

I'm not the--come on.

You know what I mean?
People that ask that,

they rock-climb.
It's those ones.

"I really--"
They're waiting for you to ask.

"I rock-climb."
Okay, rock climbers,

so just let
me get this straight:

you climb up
and then you come back down?

That's what you do?

Who's chasing you?
What's wrong with your heart?

Like, what's--
are you dead inside?

Something's wrong.

You know what--
you know what I don't do?

I don't ask stupid fucking
questions like that.

That's what I do for fun.

You know what I mean?
I live my life.

Now I will tell you

my, uh--I've been,
uh, working out,

been trying to get into shape
during the quarantine,

you know what I mean?

I've been wearing a Fitbit.

Oh, I don't have it on.
I don't have it on.

I do not have it on, I--

To be honest, it's too tight.
It is too tight.

It cuts my circulation
right off.

I passed out the other day!

But I missed a meal,
so that was nice.

But I'll tell you this, uh...

my personal trainer has
been texting me and I'm like,

"Bitch, we're in quarantine.
Leave me alone,"

Do you know what I mean?
This is--I'm,

"Who dis? I'm not--new phone."
Get away from me!

She won't leave me alone.
She won't leave me alone.

And she's the prettiest woman
I've ever met in real life.

Like she's so pretty, like,
I don't know how to talk to her.

You know, sometimes
I look at her, I'm like,

"I don't know if I should kiss
you or punch you."

I don't know which one to do.

You know,
they're both cardio

if you get your knees up.

But I'll say this--
let's keep moving.

But I will tell you,
she sometimes talks to me

like we're the same
every once in a while.

She'll be like,
"Do you know when guys..."

I'm like,

"No, I don't."

I have no idea how to finish
that sentence.

What are you
even talking about?

She's so scary,
and I will say this,

I have, you know,
I've been single for a while

but I used to have some fun.

I had--in my youth,
I was fun.

Like, in high school,

I had a threesome
when I was in high school.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

- Actually it was--
- Woman: Whoo!

It was a couple making out

and I was guarding the door.

I really was.
I was like, "Keep going!"

[laughs]

"Am I next?
Is it my turn next?"

It wasn't.
It was not my turn.

But I'm waiting,
and it seems like fun.

I look forward to it.

But here's something else
I'll tell you.

I have--I've been alone
for a long time.

I haven't been in
the dating world for a while

and I got to say,
I'm so out of it now.

Like, it feels
like I've been in a coma

and I just woke up
and I'm like "The internet?"

Like, I have no idea
what's going on anymore.

Like, sexually speaking,
I'm a VCR.

Do you understand what
I'm saying?

I--and I'll eat your tape.

I'll eat your fucking tape,
I really will.

You pull it out,
it's all shredded.

You know what I mean?

You gotta fix it with a pencil,
you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

You don't, you're very young.

You don't know what I mean.
It's all right.

You should ask your dad.
He knows what I mean.

Also,

I fucked your dad,
I'm sure.

I'm not sure. I don't know.

I keep my eyes closed.
I just want it to be done.

But the thing is,

I'll tell you...

Your laugh was great.

I always made my friends laugh

but I honestly never thought
of performing.

Never ever. It was--
high school was never like

"You should be--" Never.
There was no drama classes,

nothing at all.

And then I got to school
and then I found that,

like, the courses
that I did the best in

were the ones
that had presentations.

I would just crush them.

Like, I don't even remember it,
like, happening.

Like, I was a pothead
so I was like, whatever.

I wasn't even prepared and
then I'd show up and be like,

"I'm gonna wing it,"
and they'd be like, "Well--"

"I got this." And then I would
just make everyone laugh.

I was kind of like,
"Oh, real Debra emerging."

And I was just like,
"Ooh. [laughs]

Yes, please."
And that was it.

I quit school

and I was living at this dorm,

and I was like,
"What do I do?"

And then all the girls
that were there were like,

"You should--
you should do comedy."

And then, it was fine.
I got a ton of standup work.

I was always able to.
So I was able to quit

my "day job" probably in, like,
year six of doing comedy.

And then so
when I was just, like, home,

I was high.
And I think a lot of people--

'cause I don't come off as--
you know, I come off as, like,

your aunt, you know,
and, like--but I'm like,

"No, I was your high aunt."

I mean, I was just a chronic
pot smoker, I was never sober.

I was never sober.

Okay, so you know what
I find really strange?

I--people that go camping,
do you know?

Uh, because let's be honest,
camping--

no one actually likes
to go camping.

You just like
to do drugs outside.

Can we be honest?
Why are we lying?

Let's give up the façade!
We all know.

Right?
Am I wrong?

Oh, and also, too,

I'm gonna tell you this
right now, everyone.

If you go camping,

you are asking to be murdered.

You know this, right?

This is--I don't make it up.

I just pass on the facts to you,
do you understand?

Okay, seriously, though?
This is--if you don't know,

serial killers
live in the woods.

That's where they go.
That's where they go.

That's their domain.
If you go into the woods,

you are asking to die,
all right?

Now, my best friend just went
camping with her family.

She's like, "Debra, we're safe.
We're fine. We're in a tent."

- [laughter]
- A--a tent?!

Okay.

Tents are made of what,

is that Kleenex? A tent?
Are you kidding me?

That little zipper door

gonna keep you safe
from old Cuckoo LaRue?

Let me say this.

Have you seen a sleeping bag,
everyone?

A sleeping bag is a to-go bag
for a murderer.

Are you fucking kidding me?

That is a doggy bag
if I've ever seen one.

Are you joking?

They just zip it up,
take you home, eat you later.

I don't know if they do,
but that's a good idea.

They should do that.
Now, I'll say this...

I do watch a lot of shows
about murder,

probably too many.

I do watch
a lot of shows about murder.

Women love shows about murder.

I don't know why, we love it.

I think it's because we are--
when we're watching it,

we're glad that no one's
killed us yet.

Do you know what I'm saying?
We have that--

Like, "I'm still alive!
[cackles]"

We're so excited, aren't we?
It's a good moment.

It's not--I'm not happy,
but it's good.

You know,
I'm telling you this, please.

I don't--I don't want you
obviously--

I don't want you
to murder me, but...

I want you
to want to murder me.

You know what I'm saying?
You know what I mean?

There's nothing--
I don't want anything halfway.

I either want you to love me
too much

or hate me too much.
I don't want--I don't--

Please don't murder me
after the show, please don't.

I got a bad knee.
Oh, why'd I tell you?

I got a bad knee!
I shouldn't have told you!

That makes it easy.
But I'll say this, everyone.

There's a lot of things--
a lot of things

about the murder shows
that have now--

it's affected my brain.

There's too much
scary stuff on TV.

The world is terrifying,
and I--I'm always scared.

Do you know what I mean?
This isn't good. Okay.

All right. Do you ever do this?
Do you ever do this?

Do you ever open
a jar of peanut butter

'cause you're just living
your life, you know what I mean?

Just wanna have a snack,

just have some fun.
Do you ever do this?

Do you ever
open the jar of peanut butter

and you panic
because you don't recognize

the tracks
in the peanut butter jar?

Am I right? You open it up
and you're like, "[laughs]

"[gasp]
I don't remember that scoop!

"Who took that scoop?"
And you assume

that someone
is in your apartment,

waiting to kill you,
you know what I mean?

I got to tell you,
'cause that's what I would do.

If I was going to murder someone
I'd have some peanut butter!

Do you know what I mean?

"That doesn't look like mine.

"That's not my--
I can tell it's not my scoop

"'cause I like to go down
one side and then under

and then just right up."

Snack shovel.
But I'll say this...

I do like peanut butter.
Oh, edgy.

But I do like peanut butter.

Um, but here's the thing
with me. I like peanut butter

but I don't like peanuts.
What?

How does that make sense, Debra?

I don't--I don't like
the main product.

I like the product,
but I don't like the main,

do you know what I mean?
But it flips,

I got it all over the place.
Like, I love chickpeas--oh!

But I hate hummus.

What are you doing?
What's going on? Who am I?

It works for everything.
Like, I love jizz,

but I hate babies,

Do you know
what I'm talking about?

That was--that was too far.

Was that too far?
It felt too far.

It felt too far.
So let's keep going.

Here's another thing.

Can we admit this
about jizz?

Jizz is a lot like McDonald's
French fries, isn't it?

Only good fresh.
Am I right?

Oh, you let it sit
for a minute, it's inedible.

It's inedible.
Are you kidding?

I wrote that one.

It came to me in a dream,
that one.

It came to me.

It's like I'm a prophet.
Anyway...

here's something else
that I'll tell you.

You know what else is weird?
When people ask you

if you want to hold their baby.
"Do you wanna hold my baby?"

I'm like,
"Was the baby asking for me?"

I don't know why
do you want me to hold--

You want me to hold something
that was in your body

for nine months,
you fucking sicko?

What's the matter with you?
I'm a--

You want me
to hold your innards?

That is--you know what I'm gonna
hold that was in your body?

Your husband's dick.
All right.

Listen, that was too far.

I admit that that was too far.

I'm outside,
I had a Diet Coke,

I don't know what's going on.
I'm out of control.

I'm out of control.

I am sober. Hmm.

I have no medication in my body.

Is that--it gets weird!

But I have nothing.
I'm totally sober.

Now, I quit drinking many years
ago, but that was easy for me.

It was--my big problem
was drugs, all right?

So I quit--I quit,
uh, smoking marijuana

like four and a half years ago.
Fine. Done.

And now, my next one is food.
I got some troubles.

So this--so basically
what I'm telling you is

my big problems are marijuana
and food, all right?

It's like, how privileged am I?
Do you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, "Oh, I have
too much food and marijuana.

[imitates crying]
"I'm addicted to luxury."

Fuck you, DiGiovanni.
You know what I mean?

Golden boats and sleeping in,
that's what I'm--okay.

You're all drug addicts.
Good to know.

Anyway, that's fine.

Thing is when I was
high all the time,

my life just got really,
really small.

And then, like,
I would always want, like, the--

I always just wanted to leave
because I wanted to go home

- and get high.
- MAN: Was it hindering

your work or your--
the education?

That's--that was the thing.
Like, I was always, like--

I'm fine until it starts
to screw with work.

That's what I promised
my best friend.

I was like, "If it starts
to mess with comedy,

"that's when I'll think
about quitting.

Until that happens,
I'm fine." And then it did.

Traveling,
I didn't wanna do anymore

because, you know, this was
before everything was legal

and I would be like,
"I can't--I'm not--four days?

"I'm not going." Like, unless
I had a hookup in that town,

I was not going.
So I started to cancel things.

Bullshit, terrible excuses.
Like, just ridiculous, like,

"Well, the cab driver
stole my suitcase."

I fucking legitimately
said that to somebody,

that the cab driver
stole my suitcase.

And they were like, "Okay."

And then I started to get
the reputation that I cancel.

And then it started coming back
and I was just like,

"Oh, oh, wait a minute."

The amount of amends
I had to make

was so humiliating.

- WOMAN: [laughs]
- DEBRA: So I was watching--

I was watching
television the other day.

Uh, don't be jealous.

But I was watching TV.
I'm very busy,

and, uh, a woman
was being interviewed,

and this woman claimed
that she had sex with a ghost,

so this woman said.
She wasn't upset by it, though.

She wasn't, she was fine.
She was like, "You know,

"I went to bed and a spirit
came to me and we made love."

And I was watching,
thinking to myself,

"If that is true, you know,

"I am going to bed earlier."

Now, I'll say this--
let's get out of here!

But I will tell you,
I will tell you...

You know, I know.
I have been single for a bit,

but I--I've been spending--
I spent some time

with some gentlemen,
in the last little bit.

Like I did, you know,
and as I mentioned,

you know, I like younger men.
I was spending time

with a younger guy,
like half my age.

Very cute.
Uh, very dumb, though.

Very, very dumb.
He was--

He was so dumb
he had no idea

that women in their 40s
could still get pregnant.

He had no idea.
He was like,

"At your age, I can
still get you pregnant?"

I was like, "Oh, not
after saying that, you can't.

"Get out of my house.
I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

"The doors are locked,
you're mine now."

Anyway, he is--he said that.

I left a bowl of water out.
He'll be fine.

But here's the thing, I think.

Now, I will tell you,
I also was spending some time

with a tall man.
Now let me tell you,

I am not a size queen.
My little princes, I love you.

But tall works for me.

It's a good angle for me.

I look good from above,
do you know what I'm saying?

With a little distance,
that's how I look good.

Like, from above, I only have
one chin from above, you know?

If you're looking down at me,

that's how--
that's how God sees me.

That's how God sees me, right?

On my knees,
sucking his dick.

But here's the thing.
All right.

I don't know what's happening.
I don't know what--

I've lost control.
I think we've all admitted that.

I'm going to the hospital
after this.

But I will tell you...
[laughs] I will say,

I am getting older
and it starts to happen.

I'm gonna warn everyone,
young ladies in the front here,

listen to me.
They don't tell you everything

in gym class
about what happens to you.

They do not tell you

all the terrible things
that happen to you.

There's something
called perimenopause

and that--yeah.
And it's the--

and it's
the five to forty years

before menopause starts.
It's not good.

I'm not kidding.
Terrible things happen.

You remember in your 20s
when you had PMS,

you'd be like, "Oh, my God,
I wanna kill someone."

In your 40s, you are actually
planning murders.

You're planning the murders.

I have rope in my house.

Where it's come from,
nobody knows, all right?

But don't mess with me.
And I'm telling you

that terrible things happen.
Last month, I bled for 11 days.

11 days. I'm like,
"Is it stigmata? Am I dying?

"Am I the--
am I the Christ, Lord?"

It's terrifying stuff.
It's--and I'll say this:

It's not leaving nicely,
do you know what I mean?

It's not--it's not like just
one day, like, my period's not--

No, no, it's going out
like a lion.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

It's like--my period
at this point is like

a drunk girl leaving a party,
you know what I mean?

She's like,
[slurring] "I'm leaving.

"I didn't wanna be here.
Fuck you. I hate you guys.

"This is mine.
I'm taking this."

She's-- but she comes back.
She sneaks back in.

"I'm back, bitches!"
It is awful. It is awful.

Get rid of her.
Someone, get the bouncer.

I'm not joking.
All right.

Now, I will tell you,
I am an old goat,

but I am--I'm very lucky
because I do look

quite a bit younger
than I am.

I don't--
if I told you my real age,

you would panic.
You would be like,

"[gasps]
Impossible, Debra. Stop."

That's what you would say.
But here's the thing.

just say it. All right.
But I'll tell you,

The only reason
I look young, though,

is because...

I'm fat. That is
the only reason I look young.

It fills in the lines.
Are you kidding me?

All of you idiots
wasting money on Botox,

this is fucking cheese.
Are you kidding?

Look at this face!
Look at me.

Baby face,
you know what I mean?

$8.99 a block, dumdums.
Look at this.

Cherubic. Oh, yeah,
I'm gonna die young for sure,

but I'm gonna look good.
I'm gonna look good.

I think one
of the things that stopped me

from getting sober
was the true honest fear

that I wasn't gonna be
funny anymore.

I mean,
that was weeks in therapy.

"Do you promise me
I'm still gonna be funny?"

And my therapist
was like, "I promise you."

And then, you know,
the first time

getting back onstage,
it was scary.

Like, it was just like,
"Do I still have this?

Can I do this?"
And the first show went great.

The first show back went great.

And honestly,
I think I'm a better comic.

I like it better
because I know where I am

and I feel, like,
bright-eyed and bushy tailed

and clear and sharper,

and I don't forget things,
and--you know what I mean?

Like, I definitely got
to the point where I was like,

"Did I say that already?"
Like, you know what I mean? Uch.

I'm just more present
and I think--

I think that makes
a better comic, you know?

Now, I do love to worry.

I don't know
if any of you enjoy it.

Uh, I am the kind of person,
I wake up in the morning,

if I forget what
I was worrying about,

oh, I'll call a thousand people.

Because I can't--I love it,
all right?

And one thing
that really freaks me out,

a lot of my friends sleep naked.

One of my girlfriends
was telling me she sleeps naked.

Okay. Let me--
I have to say this to you.

Please don't sleep naked.
Anything can happen

in the middle of the night.
Anything can happen.

You're very vulnerable.
You're very vulnerable.

Honest to God.
Like, what are you doing?

And they're just lying there
naked for the--

And let's say
the house sets on fire.

Now what are you gonna do,
smarty-no-pants?

You're in fucking trouble.
You understand what I'm saying?

Now, I do not sleep naked.
Number one, you're welcome.

Feel free to drop by.
Number two, everyone,

the reason
I don't sleep naked--

you got to go with me.

The reason I don't sleep naked

is because I'm scared

something
is gonna crawl into me.

Now, listen to me on this.
Listen, listen.

It's 'cause I watch
a lot of shows about murder

and then I follow
with pornography right after.

I got to tell you,

that is a terrible combination,
do you understand?

You're not getting eight hours
of sleep after that.

There's no way.

Now, I will tell you this,
everybody.

All of us--it's usually
at this point of the show

where you all start
looking at me thinking,

"This woman has a cat."

And I do not have a cat,
so fuck you.

But I will tell you,

I do cat-sit, though.
That's nice.

I cat-sit for my friends,
you know what I mean?

I realize it's fun, you know,
and I was--uh...

The last cat I was with,
we were together for two weeks

and we had so much fun.
We talked about boys,

we did a puzzle,
we had popcorn. It was fun.

But now, I do comedy, right,
every night of my life,

so I'm out every night
of my life

and I worried about this cat.

I'm like,
"I don't know this cat.

"Who is he?
What's he doing at home?

"Is he scared without me?
What's happening?"

And then on day five,
I start to think to myself,

"What if the cat
is also doing comedy at home?"

Do you know what I mean?
What if when I leave the house,

the cat's all,
"What's the deal

with all the crying?"
You know what I mean?

Because he's...

He knows my routine,
is what I'm telling you.

He knows my routine.

When I got sober,
my mom got sick

and then it was kind of like,
the phone call where--

Like, she truly was just like,
"The cancer is back.

"Do you wanna, like,
stop hating each other?"

And I was like,
"Yes, absolutely."

And then it was just like,
"I love you," "I love you,"

and that was it.
And then the last two years

of her life
were the best two years

of our relationship.
Like, I talked to my mom more

in the last two years
of her life

than I did my entire life.

Like, if I hadn't been sober,

I would--we would
probably not have talked.

It was good because it was
just like, I had apologized,

she had apologized, you know.
It was--

It's just what you want it
to be, you know.

This is crazy.
I live in Los Angeles

and I don't drive.
Um, I know.

But, uh, it's,
uh, it's safest for everyone.

So I take a lot of Ubers, I take
a lot of the ridesharing, right?

And, like, I took one here
and that's fine.

And I--I'll say this
about rideshare:

The talking to the driver,
you're always like,

"Okay." At some point, you're
like, "All right. Enough."

But I always--I always lie
whenever I'm in a car.

I'm never--
I never tell the truth.

I'm excited to lie,
to be honest.

Do you know what I mean?
I get ready, I order the car,

I'm like, "Who am I gonna be?"
I'm so excited.

There's a backstory.
Sometimes, I use an accent.

Yeah, it just--
which is a lie.

I am unable to do accents.
I can't do accents at all.

This is me doing
a British accent.

Are you ready?
Here it is.

[mumbling]
That was it. That was it.

I can't do it.
My brain turns off.

I could be sick.
But here's the thing.

So I'm excited to lie,
all right?

And here's the thing,
I'll tell you.

You never ever,
ever tell a driver

that you're a comedian.

This is a huge mistake,
all right?

So I panicked and I told this
driver that I was a comedian.

And then he did the thing that
every driver does, you know.

"Oh, you're a comedian?
[laughs]

"People tell me I could be
a comedian."

And I was like,
"[laughs] That's great.

Pull this car over.
Are you kidding me?

"This ride is done, Jeffrey."
Do you know what I'm saying?

"That is one star for you,
motherfucker."

And then he kept talking to me,
do you know what I mean?

And he was a bit of a dud,
do you know what I mean?

A little bit of a dud,
God bless his heart, all right?

So he starts talking.
He keeps going.

And then he's asking me
questions, he's like,

"So what kind
of comedian are you?"

I'm like, "I don't know, good.
I don't know."

And he's like,
"Are you dirty?"

I'm like, "Of course I'm dirty.
I'm a grown woman."

He's like,
"How dirty are you?"

I'm like, "What do you need,
Jeff, one to ten?

What do you want right now?"

And this is what he said to me,
I'm not lying.

This is what he said to me,
He's like,

"No, no, no, are you like
shit-on-my-chest dirty?"

[laughter]

It was 9:00 in the morning.
It was 9:00 in the morning.

That's a PM conversation.
Are you with me on that?

That is post meridiem talk.
Are you kidding me?

12:00 noon, shit on my chest.
Let's do this.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

That was back
to five stars for Jeffrey.

That improved his rating.

I'm totally kidding.
I called the police.

I hope he's dead.
Anyway...

Oh, I pray for his death.

Now I'll say this...

I've said a lot
of terrible things here tonight,

but they're just jokes.
We're having a giggle.

And I know that, when, you
know, there's a lot of things

that I'm not--shouldn't be
saying anymore.

Like, I've been learning a lot,
some language I can't use.

Like, I do not use
the word "slut" anymore.

That is no slut shaming.
It's out. No more.

But there's an old rule
in comedy that says,

I'm allowed to tell jokes
about sluts,

and here's why.

One of my sisters is a slut.

Now, I'll say this.

That makes it open territory.
Do you understand?

I'm allowed to do that.
I know what you're thinking.

That's not nice,
but here's the thing.

I have three sisters.

So, you don't know
which one I'm talking about.

You know?
Unless you know my family,

then you totally know who I know
who I'm talking about.

Yeah. It is Monica.

Anyway, she is...a whore.

And that's it for me, everyone.
You've been lovely.

Enjoy the rest of the night.
Thank you so much.

- [crowd cheering]
- MAN: Give it up for Debra.

[cheers and applause]

There's an app
that my friend used

for when she quit cigarettes.

And it's like,

"Put in how much
money you save."

And, you know,
"Oh, and your lungs."

And so, I did it.
And I checked this

the other day 'cause I wanted--
just 'cause

every once in a while
I like to check.

So, it's been four years,
six months,

and as of yesterday,
twenty-one days,

that I stopped smoking pot.

And I've saved, uh,

$57,000.

MAN: Holy shit!

The sound guy--the sound guy

just put his head down.

[laughter]

- Uh-hmm.
- MAN: Oh, good.

I have nothing to show for that,
by the way.

- I do not own a house. [laughs]
- MAN: I was gonna say,

- that it was definitely--
- But, yeah, like, seriously,

I was renting marijuana
an apartment every month

- is what I was doing.
- [man laughs]

That's literally
what it was, right?

[crowd cheering]

♪

Blaq Ron, is that good or--

- Oh, man.
- --is there anything else?

The Malcolm X of comedy?

- Malcolm X of comedy.
- All right.

- That works.
- Yeah.

Blaq Ron.

I'm from Dallas, Texas.

The Oak Cliff part.

That's the part where

you're not supposed to make it,

unless you can dribble a ball.

Oak Cliff and South Dallas,

the two worst parts in town.

But they birthed some
of the best talents.

MAN: From Oak Cliff, Texas
put your hands together

for the Malcolm X of comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Blaq Ron.

[cheers and applause]

♪

LA, how we doing, man?

Make some more noise
in the building right now.

- We alive.
- [crowd cheering]

We made it.

We beat Corona so far.

[laughter]

God damn it, 1-0.

I don't--I don't know
which round this is,

but damn it, I done won.

Shit, I been outside
high-fiving people all day.

- I got my results back.
- [laughter]

Shit's more stressful
than a HIV test.

I was waiting on them
damn Coronavirus tests,

they stuck that long ass shit
in my nose, man.

- [laughter]
- I was like, "Please, Jesus.

"Don't let them tell me
I got the cooties.

"Lord, this."

This shit is the cooties.
It took you back

all the way to preschool.

It's an invisible disease.

You don't know if you got it.

But if they tell you got it,

- you got it.
- WOMAN: You got it.

[laughter]

What if I'm asymptomatic,

which means I feel fine,
but I got it?

[laughter]

You just walking around,
giving it to people,

and feeling fine
at the same damn time.

You patient zero.

[laughter]

I came up
in the traditional South.

You're taught respect.

You're taught Christianity.

You're taught how to cook good

and how to get
your ass whooped

a thousand different ways.

There are
so many different ways

to get yourself
tore out the frame

as a little boy
coming up in the South.

I remember one time,

my momma came up to the school

and called out my full,

government, Christian,
baptized name,

like, "Ronald Dailey!"

And my momma was like, "Oh, no.

"He'll be right back."

Took me to the house,
tied my ass up

like I was a loose radiator.
I'm talking about

my momma beat me...

[man laughing]

like she was Bobby Fischer

and I was the chess robot.

My momma beat me like

I was the last boss
on the fighting game.

And then
took me back to school.

Like, "Yeah.
Now go finish learning."

Yeah. I learned
a lot today, lady.

Learned a whole lot.

MAN: So, what was
your relationship like

with your mom, overall?

Oh, man.
That's my girl.

Oh, we made it, man,

through trials and tribulations.

If you over 30,
make some noise right now.

[cheers and applause]

Dammit. Again!

That's another one
in our books.

We've been trialing
and tribulating

- this whole damn time.
- [laughter]

We had a hard life.
If you over 30,

we've been through
a lot of shit.

[laughter]

I mean, just look at
our track record.

I was born in '85.

This shit has been
a lot of shit.

I was born, crack,
boom, off the muscle.

Let's get it going.

Let's start your life
with the crack war.

How you like that?
By the time you can walk,

we gonna snatch down
the wall in Berlin.

You ready for that? Then we
just gonna give you some Bush.

You ready?

We gonna give you some Bush.

Then we're gonna give you a war.

We're gonna give you a war
for no reason at all.

Then we're gonna give you
a white man

with a saxophone.

He's gonna be the president.

[laughter]

He's gonna be the president,

and then, we gonna
bring back basketball,

and we gonna go win
all the Olympics.

Shit gonna be cool
for a little bit.

We got gangsta rap.

We gonna let that ride
for a while.

White people
are gonna be nervous.

Black men gonna throw up
their gang signs

with perfect iambic pentameter.

We gonna give it to your ass

for a little while.

And then, all of a sudden, Y2K.

Get yourself ready.
You scared?

You scared?
Your life gonna end.

Is your computer compatible?

You remember when we was
buying potted meat

and bottled water?

Resetting our VCRs

for fucking nothing?

You remember that?

Y2K had us scared.

That shit was 20 years ago.

There's grown kids out here,
like,

"What the fuck
you talking about?"

[laughter]

VCR?
What the fuck is a VCR?

You like, "Yes.
"I had to program that shit

"every time
the lights went out.

"Otherwise, it will be 12:00

"in my house all goddamn day."

[laughter]

We grew up hard.

[laughter]

As soon as we get ready
to graduate high school,

2003, 2004,

everything was wonderful.

You had white people dancing
off-beat to crunk music.

[laughter]

Lil Jon and East Side Boyz.
Had everybody

representing the East Side,

regardless to what
your side was.

Usher had white people
in the club

dancing with they shoulders.

It was aggressive.

Y'all remember
when y'all was in the club.

Y'all was just in that
motherfucker

off-beat and smiling.

Everything was wonderful.

[laughter]

Right before we graduated,
what happened?

Worst thing ever happened
to America, 9/11.

We had just came from computers.

Then they hit us with 9/11.

We shook back.

Bought some tall tees,

got some fitted jerseys
and some throwbacks.

Everything was good.

Put a Black man in office.

Oh, shit was beautiful.

Yes, we did, and yes, we can.

My president was Black.

My Lambo was blue.

[laughter]

Everything was going great.

Life was once again

doing what it was
supposed to do.

And then, they hit us

with yet another disease,

Ebola.

Ebola came back out of nowhere.

Ebola had been gone since '81.

Ebola went out with Pro Wings

- and the Atari.
- [laughter]

Ebola was been gone.

Ebola was like,
"Guess who back, bitch?

"Ka-boom.

"Guess who stepped
in the room.

"Ebola!
I'm killing every goddamn body."

Then the Ebola went away

for a summer.

Came back, H1N1.

- Ebola with a new jacket.
- [laughter]

It was only killing poor folks,
you remember?

H1N1 went away.

Then they came back, said,
"West Nile virus."

West Nile virus killing
everybody by mosquitoes.

Who was checking
the mosquitoes' passports

to find out where the hell

the mosquitoes came from?

How you know these weren't
East Nile mosquitoes?

How you know?
You just gonna assume

because the mosquitoes
are from the Upper Nile region,

that they was West Nile.
How these mosquitoes

travel all the way
across the Atlantic Ocean?

I thought mosquitoes
only live two days.

You mean to tell me
in two days,

this mosquito flew from Egypt

across the fucking
Atlantic Ocean

all the way to California,

and bit me
and gave me the cooties?

[laughter]

Then they say only female
mosquitoes bite.

Who busting the legs open
on these mosquitoes

to see what they're
working with?

How do you know mosquito
dick when you see it?

Like, it's got to be small.

I know it.

[laughter]

As if that shit
wasn't enough,

West Nile went away,
and they said, "Zika virus.

"Zika is out. Be careful.

"It's gonna give you
a little-head baby."

[laughter]

We was like,
"Little-head babies?"

They showed us pictures.
Little-head babies!

We was like, "Oh, my God.

"It'll bite you and give you
a little-head baby?"

Yes. Don't go to Brazil.

Don't plan no cruises.

If it bites you, you're
gonna have a little-head baby.

[laughter]

We said, "What?

"A little-head baby?"

"Bitch, you heard us.

"Your baby will have
a little head."

"Oh, my God.

"Zika is out here."

We ain't go nowhere
for the Olympics.

We ain't go to Brazil
or nothing.

We just let them people tell us

little-head babies
was gonna keep us from the pool.

We didn't do shit in 2016.

We didn't swim.

We didn't take
poolside pictures.

We didn't stay outside
after 5:30.

[laughter]

What they replaced
the little-head babies with:

killer bees, Africanized bees.

What type of racist
shit is that?

Africanized.
Oh, so the bees,

only because they wanna kill
some shit, they Africanized.

Okay. If they just wanted
to come over

and just take over
your neighborhood,

I guess they'd be
Europeanized bees.

[laughter]

The aggressive,
wanna-kill-you bees,

they Africanized.

Again, who was checking
the passports on these bees?

Anybody stop 'em
these bees say, "Yes.

"We come over to kill everyone."

[laughter]

"In my village,

"we kill five white people

"before you are a grown man."

[laughter]

Somebody check these bees.

As soon as the bees
was over with,

here come Ebola again,

Ebola and bad meat.

Everybody go vegan.

All the meat is bad.

All the Netflix
documentaries showing you

all the meat is bad.
Don't watch this shit.

I was eating a burger while
I was watching this shit.

I was, like, "Oh, my God.
What the fuck

"am I doing with my life?"

Throw the burger away.
Throw everything away right now.

Let's just move to a farm
and eat grass.

This shit grow.
Oh, my God.

They are killing us
with the medicine and the food,

and the water and the air,
and the sleep.

Oh, my God.
You can't get no sleep

because if you go to bed,
you can't--

you can't just fall asleep.

So, you're sitting there,
twiddling your feet.

Now, you got restless
legs syndrome.

Oh, my God.

"If you or anyone you know

"got restless legs syndrome,

"call this 1-800 number.

"And then,
if you're breathing deep,

"you might have mesothelioma."

Oh, my fucking God.

They are killing us
slow by slow,

and we don't know
what we're dying from.

[laughter]

Before Corona, they told us
that some hornets

had came over
with killing on they minds.

They was the murder hornets!

These hornets kill you
and walk away.

They don't even run.
They walk away.

They're getting away with it.
These hornets is big.

You saw the hornets on YouTube.
You watched it.

Hornet big, he had shoes on.

Big-ass fucking hornet.

These hornets was fucking
a mouse up.

They had three of them.

Like, "Where you from, cuz?"

And they had him in the corner.

Oh, they stabbed him repeatedly.

[laughter]

Shit, I think those
was Mexicanized hornets.

[laughter]

I don't think that,

but that's what
they'll tell you on Fox News.

[laughter]

I realized I grew up
a statistical anomaly.

Most Black kids grew up
in the '80s and '90s

grew up in
a single parent household,

or a strained relationship
between their parents.

I don't have that story to tell.

You know, I grew up,
both of my parents in the house.

Our house represented stability.

You know, we have friends
that would remark about stuff,

like, "Oh, man. Y'all--
your family get along so great."

So, a lot of kids came over
to our house, you know,

looking back on it,
in hindsight,

for peace and stability

that they didn't get
at their houses.

MAN: You grew up in
what people consider obviously

- a successful marriage.
- Uh-hmm.

MAN: And you're not--you--
were you ever married?

No. So, now I'm co-parenting.

And when my daughter is with me,

she's deeply immersed

in my side of the family.

So, she gets to see

what a close-knit family
unit looks like.

She just also understands that

it didn't work out
for her parents.

But she has a mom
and a stepdad,

and a well-rounded environment,

which is ultimately
what you want, you know.

I'm a grown man for nothing.

I got grown, and realized that

this version of grown man
is no longer in style.

I am exactly the man
my father raised me to be,

and I am the wrong
fucking version.

This shit is obsolete.

This version of man
is not the man

that they want us
to be out here.

All I thought was
I was being a man.

Turns out, my whole life
I've been toxic.

Never knew it, don't know
what the fuck it means

still to this day,
but I guess I am.

[laughter]

I didn't know
that dressing like a boy

and wearing man clothes,

and being an old school man,

made you toxic.
My whole life,

I was just practicing
to be a old nigga.

I love them.
Old school Black men

were the best men
I ever saw in my life.

They were cool,
they were smooth,

and I practiced
on how to be one.

As soon as I turned 18,
I went and bought

old Black men cologne.

[laughter]

Went and got some Cool Water.

Some Aramis and shit.

I went and got me
some Drakkar Noir.

I just started putting it on
all over everywhere and shit

'cause I wanted to be
one of them old men

that dap you up and hug you
and when they let you go,

you smell like him
all on one side.

Couldn't wait to be one of them

old school men
that was a rustler.

Y'all see them
at the gas station and shit,

one of them rustlers.
You be like,

"What you say? 77 cents?"
And then he got to go--

he got to go rustle for it
in his pocket.

He got to go dig for it.

He got just assorted shit
in his pocket.

Couldn't wait to be one.

Old Black men greet each other
so fucking cool.

Black men greet each other,
there's always a step

and some shit that rhyme,

and a dap that go with it.

It's always smooth.
Be like, "Earl!"

"Shit, what's up, Clyde?"

"Oh, man, ain't shit
to everybody, baby."

"Oh, I'm just tryin' to make it

"'fore these
white folk take it.

"Goddamn me."

And they step back
and slide with it.

Well, I was just at the house
just practicing.

[laughter]

Got grown and then realized

that man ain't in style
no more.

"What's your point, Blaq Ron?"

My point is we got grown
for nothing.

Yeah. Let it sink in
and hurt your feelings

like it hurt mine.

This is not the grownup life
they promised to us

when we were kids.
When we was kids,

all we did was eat cereal
and watch cartoons,

and say hopeful shit like,
"When I grow up,"

and we thought it
was gonna be beautiful,

and look, look what happened.

This all we got.

[laughter]

This, some bullshit.

Think about it, people.
Ain't none of us

who you wanted to be

when you was a little kid.

This ain't what the fuck
you thought

you was gonna be
when you grew up.

I'll go around the room.
Sir,

what you thought
you was gonna be

when you were a little boy?

- MAN: Astronaut.
- A astronaut.

And have you been
to the moon recently, sir?

Hell fucking no.
What do you do?

MAN: Watch comedy shows.

You watch comedy shows

with a--with a--
with a space saver

with the moon on it and
shit on your screen and shit.

That's it, you got a bunch of
astronauty shit at your house.

You're probably
a grown man with stars,

still on your ceiling.

Because that's about
all you gonna get in life.

Life fucked you, brother.

[laughter]

My parents
were immensely frugal,

so my daddy cut our hair.

And this shit was cool

until I got to middle school.

You get to middle school,

and people starting
letting you know

everything
that's wrong with you.

Now luckily enough,

I have a cousin who's a barber.

Take it to the barber shop,

and I found out what
the barber shop really is.

It's the meeting ground,

it's the town square

for all of these Black men
in the community.

You gonna learn,
like, all about sports,

which team ain't shit.
You gonna learn about music.

You gonna learn about
way too many things

that a young child
is not supposed to be

that well-versed on,

but that's also
the shit-talking forum.

That's where you get
your roast game together.

So now that I'm a grownup,
I'm at the barber shop,

just bullshitting
one day for hours.

So much so that the owner
of the barber shop was like,

"Yo, you pretty funny,"

"Oh, yeah, man, thanks."
He's like,

"Yeah, you should
have been a comedian."

I'm like,
"Yeah, I hear that a lot."

He's like, "Well,
why you ain't ever thought

"about being a comedian?"

"Well, I thought about it,

"but I'm from Oak Cliff, bro.

"Ain't no opportunities
to be no comedian."

He says, "I'm putting on
a show for Shuckey Duckey.

"You ever heard of
Shuckey Duckey?"

I'm like, "Of course,
Shuckey Duckey.

"Quack quack.
He's a household name."

He's like, "Yeah, well,
I'mma let you open

"for Shuckey Duckey,
how about that?"

All for me
just kicking the shit

at the barber shop.

We watch TV every night,

and it's the same shit.
We all watch it.

They got us scared out here
right now.

Y'all watch the news.

Ain't no secret to
what's going on in America.

Civil unrest.

Everybody finally understands

that racism is still alive
and well in this country.

Where the fuck you been
all this time?

We've been telling you
over and over again,

but, hey, welcome to the party.

[laughter]

And now I finally get to see

with my own eyes,

finally on the news

and on social media,

the biggest gang in America

finally getting brought
to the light...

It's the Karens.

[laughter]

This is the Karens.

White women are
the biggest gangstas

on this fucking planet,

and we have all known it.

We've all known,
white people don't give a fuck.

Especially white women
that tell you,

"I don't give a fuck."

White women will
tell it to your face.

"I don't give a fuck."
Let a drunk--

A drunk white woman
is a terrorist.

I'm telling you
to your fucking face

'cause I want you
to understand.

Look at me, white woman.
You're an animal!

You're a thug.
I know it.

I know it. I've seen you.

Drunk white woman
will pee outside.

She don't give a fuck.

Could be a public bathroom
next door to where she at.

She don't give a shit.
She'll slide down slow.

"I don't give a fuck.
Hold my phone, I don't--"

She ain't gonna catch her dress.

I know that she gonna pee
on her feet

like she digging up
a strategy in the dirt.

[laughter]

White women will come up
and touch you on your hair.

WOMAN: No, no, no.

- Yes, you will, white woman.
- [laughter]

I've had it happened to me
too many times in life

for you tell me that
I'm a liar.

Don't tell me about
my struggles, white lady.

Y'all just come up
and catch yourself,

"Oh my God,
your hair is so beautiful.

"How do you get it
to do like that?"

And your friends will
tell you, "Stephanie, no.

Don't touch that man's hair."

"I don't give a fuck.

"It's just a hair, Amber.

"Your hair's so nice."

We all been
standing in line before,

patiently waiting in line.

Big ol' big-ass gangsta

come walking across
in front of us,

and we tell her,
"Excuse, ma'am, we in line."

She be, "I know,
but I got just one question."

And we don't do shit
'cause she a gangsta.

[laughter]

They're finally showing
the gangstas.

"Where you from, homie?"
don't put nearly

as much fear in my heart as

"What are you doing over here?"

[laughter]

"You live over here?"

Oh, that shit send a goddamn
chill down my spine.

[laughter]

Go home,
try to watch a little TV,

watch a little news.

It's the same story
over and over again.

We adults, so we feel like
we're responsible people

by watching the news.

You're a grownup
when you watch the news.

You go home,
and you watch the evening news,

then you watch the nightly news.

Yeah, your news program
sounds something like this.

"Good evening,
we begin our top story tonight

"with an apartment complex
that caught on fire.

"Five people caught inside.

"More details on that
in ten minutes,

"but first, a story on the 405.

"Six-car pileup.

"One of the cars caught on fire.

"More on that in five minutes,

"but first, we're gonna send it
over to Tim,

"who's gonna tell us
about the pets

"that we have
for adoption tonight.

"Tell us about those puppies,
Tim."

You like,
"Fuck them damn dogs!

"Go back to the 405.
I'm on the 405 right now.

Tell me about that."

[laughter]

Then you switch the channel.

Wanna watch a little fake TV,

a little programming.

You watch one of your favorite
adult shows

like one of mine,

"Law & Order."

But you got to say it
correctly, "Law & Orders."

Because there's more than one.
They got "Criminal Intent."

They got regular
"Law and Orders."

Then they got my favorite,

"SVU: Law & Orders."

And you got to call it
"Law & Orders"

because you can't
watch just one of them.

They like potato chips.

You got to watch
a bunch of them

before you can
go your ass to bed.

They--and I understand why now

because they don't ever let
the episode go all the way off.

They cut the screen in half,
and one go off

and another one come right
the fuck back on

right behind it.

And them "gloom glooms"
freeze you.

They stick you in place.

You be going to do
something important.

"Let me go check on the kids."
Gloom gloom!

"Naw, fuck it, let me--

"Let me catch just
the first two minutes

"because if I don't,
I'mma be lost

for the whole fucking episode."

[laughter]

I don't know why we
watch this show right now.

These are televised rapes
that we are watching

every fucking week,
and we tune in

like the story gonna be new.

Don't none of us in here
write for "Law & Orders."

but we all could write
for "Law & Orders."

The story is the fucking same
every week.

It's always
the beautiful white woman,

and she does something
in the neighborhood

in the ghetto, like help

young Negro children
get they GED.

Or, you know, she work
at a at-risk youth center,

or she's a substance
abuse counselor

or something like that,
and she always got a beautiful

white woman name
like Ms. Foster.

[laughter]

And Ms. Foster always--
last day of school,

and she preaching to the kids,
she be like,

"Hey, when you
go out this summer,

"don't forget what
we worked on this year.

"I want everybody to maintain

"their summer reading list and

"remember, seize the day,

"seize your life! Yeah."

And the bell ring
and she high-five

and dap everybody on the way out
and shit, and she's an ally.

She's the one
we need in the community.

Then they show Ms. Foster
breaking down her classroom,

and then, she get off
in her little

fuel-efficient Prius and shit.

Then she drop one of them

little average Negroes off
in the Projects,

and she just be pouring
into his spirit.

She be sitting in the car like,

"Hey, I believe in you,
Don'Trevion."

[laughter]

And he like, "For real,
Ms. Foster, ma'am?"

She like, "Hey, man, me and you.
All right?

"Now you get out there.
Hey, seize the day.

"Seize your life, huh?

"Put it there, all right?
Get out of here, man."

[laughter]

Then Don'Trevion get out the car

and disappear into the fog.

It's always foggy in
the Projects, for some reason.

It's just the fog of poverty.

It's just--it's just--
it's just overcast

with oppression over there

in the low-income Project unit
that he live in.

He just disappear,
and she skirt off and shit,

and she go home

and throw her little keys
in a bowl,

and scratch the cat on the head.

Put on
a little workout outfit,

and go to Zumba and shit

then work out for a little bit,

Come back to the house,

slip on a little
sexy cocktail dress.

She never take a bath.

They never show her ass
taking a bath.

She just jump her musty ass
right off in a dress.

Feed the cat, and go pub
crawl for a little bit.

They show Ms. Foster
at one bar,

then another bar.
She having a good time.

She mingling and shit,
and then,

for some reason,
12:49 at night,

Ms. Foster ass the only
ass in the parking lot,

by her damn self,
head down in her phone.

Her heels be loud as shit

on the concrete parking lot
pavement floor,

and she just
[imitates clopping heels]

And she just all in her phone,
and we all say to ourselves,

"They finna kill the shit
out of Ms. Foster.

"Oh, Ms. Foster ass
finna get it."

They never show Ms. Foster
getting snatched

and raped and murdered, no.

- Cut to--

--next morning,
another white woman,

jogging in the woods,
run right past Ms. Foster ass

and she wrapped up
in plastic and shit

with one of her panties
on backwards

and got a work boot
on one foot and shit.

And we all got to figure out
who the Work Boot Rapist is

for the rest of the episode,
and I made that shit up,

but y'all sitting there like,
"Damn, that's a good one.

"I ain't seen that one.

"That sound good as hell,
the Work Boot Rapist?

"Shit, let me go DVR that."

[applause]

You know, being an entertainer
gives you an excuse

to barely be there,
be a Santa Claus dad,

only show up on birthdays
and major holidays,

drop a whole
lot of money on them,

and be that person.

But if you really
wanna be a father,

you got to be
way more active than that.

And this grind
require so much of you

that you can't be as active
as a parent as you would like.

So then the time that you get
with them is very precious.

- [laughter]
- RON: Hey, man, listen,

before I get out of here,

make some noise
for EPIX though, man.

Make some noise for them
right now.

Make some noise for them,
people.

Clap up for 'em.
Clap it up for 'em.

It's been so long telling jokes

in front of real people, man.
I appreciate y'all.

I wanna dedicate this show
to a couple of people,

number one to the late great
Dick Gregory.

Rest in peace.
Bye-bye, always and forever.

[cheers and applause]

To my number one fan,
who is no longer living with us,

my cousin, Paula Boyd.
I know wherever she is,

she is looking down on me
and she is watching this.

Represent.

And I hope
by the time this airs--

where's my camera?

One, two, three, four,

I hope by the time this airs,

they'll have arrested
the killers of Breonna Taylor.

[cheers and applause]

♪

This year, with
the shutdown and everything,

it was four months in a row

that I didn't get
to see my daughter.

And then, I got to see her,
and actually

spend some time with her
for Father's Day weekend.

MAN: Keep it going for
Blaq Ron!

And when
she came out the door,

and she's taller,
and she hugging you

just as hard as you hugging her,

and you understand what
it is you're doing this for,

and who you're doing this for.

[cheers and applause]

♪