Original subtitles

♪

BLAQ RON: Yeah, they got me on the therapy couch.

MAN: That's what we're about.

They got me on the--

on the "How did that make you feel?"

I am not the funny one in my family.

I'm just the one who does this shit professionally.

My parents are hilarious.

Kicking that ass tonight.

Big boo--these are my ass-kicking boots.

All right.

You know, the sense of humor kicked in for survival,

because it was, you know, I was--I was bullied

which I think is like a lot of comedians' backstory.

- What's up, Deb? - Hello.

You like that, getting your face fixed?

Yeah.

RON: My family is a roasting family.

Like, come to a family gathering

and think that we ain't gonna let you know

that, that outfit ain't shit.

We gon' let you know.

Soon as we get through hugging: "Oh, baby, good to see you.

Now, where the hell is you going in that?

'Cause that outfit ain't shit."

Not a terrible way to spend the day.

I have a fraternal twin.

I'm eight minutes younger than she is.

We're nothing alike.

People wouldn't even guess we're sisters.

Like, especially not twins

because by--just because, um,

she was the prom queen. Like, that's it.

You know, I'm just like, that was always my joke,

because, like, one of my first jokes was like,

she was the prom queen and I was

you know, the fun one.

I'll see y'all, when I get sexy.

I'll be back.

♪

[laughter]

DEBRA: Like, one of my nicknames in school--

I don't know why I'm gonna tell you this,

but I'm gonna--was Placenta,

so that's not great.

Someone using an encyclopedia,

do you know what I'm talking about?

And, um...

and it hasn't affected me at all.

I'm fine.

You guys are a lot of fun.

You're in for a great night of comedy.

Put your hands together

for the very funny Debra DiGiovanni.

[crowd cheering]

Hi, everybody. Keep going, I'm slow.

You got to keep moving, you got to keep--

I'm very slow. It was two steps.

Did you see that?

I'm exhausted. Anyway, guys, hi.

It's nice to be here.

Look at us, we're out.

Oh, it's fun.

- Is it fun? I don't know. - Yes.

I'm not sure. [sighs]

To be honest with you, I do have to leave

because I have a jigsaw puzzle

with my name on it at home, do you know what I'm saying?

You're nice, but I got the sides done.

Hey, you know what I mean?

I don't need to tell you how exciting that is.

- [laughter] - Okay, maybe I do.

Anyway, the thing is we're here and we're alive,

and let's just say this before we get started--

I also hate my shirt. I also hate my shirt.

Can we just get it out of the way?

I'm not proud of myself. Is it pajamas?

Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

I'm scared to check the label. I don't wanna know.

I really don't. I will sleep in this, though,

so fuck you. But the thing is, you know--

you don't know me, [laughs]

I will sleep in this. Anyway--and by "will,"

I mean, I have for the last four nights.

But, uh, I feel good, I'm comfortable.

Now I'll tell you this, everyone.

I'm excited to be standing. This is fun, isn't it?

Standing?

Since quarantine started, I have not stood once.

I've not stood once.

I logroll around my apartment.

I will not stand. My feet, like baby's feet.

Tender feet. They are just--

And I find--I find I've learned a lot about myself

in quarantine, I've learned a lot.

Like, I--before, I used too much toilet paper,

I've always used too much toilet paper,

my whole life.

Now I'm down to four squares.

You know what I mean? Four squares.

Efficient, I'm good.

Before, I was making a catcher's mitt

out of toilet paper.

[laughter]

What am I do--I'm not-- I'm not sick.

I don't know what's wrong with me

but I'm making some changes.

And I am quarantining alone, and at first,

at the beginning of the quarantine, I was all like,

"Oh, everyone that's married, you're so lucky."

Now, I know--solo people, we are winning.

We are winning this. We are winning this.

Oh, now I'm not-- I'm not totally alone,

There is this spider in my kitchen.

There's a spider in my kitchen.

It's taunting me. I'm scared to death.

And I won't kill it

because, first of all, I'm frightened.

And secondly, I don't want it to make that

that crunching noise, you know?

Have you ever killed a-- [gags]

What am I, an animal? I can't do it.

So this is what I thought.

Ooh, this is what I thought.

I will get a glass.

I will put that glass over the spider,

cut off its air supply and suffocate it to death.

Ho, ho, ho!

So I don't want it to make a crunching noise,

but I will watch it die slowly under glass.

Do you see what I'm saying?

I'm a murderer, the--I've turned into a murderer.

And I'm gonna tell you, everyone,

the glass has not helped at all. It's not helped.

It's three days later and that spider is very much alive.

It is very much alive.

To be honest, I think it's gained power.

I'm pretty sure it's gained--

Pretty sure it said my name tonight.

You know what I mean? I was walking past the kitchen:

"Debra." I was like, "Oh, God!

"How does it know my name?"

I come from a big Italian family.

My dad was, uh,

an accountant, a professional man

and my mom was home with five kids

and it was very, you know,

it was very Brady Bunch-ish.

Everyone came to our house after school.

There was, you know, snacks

and people would come-- because it's always, you know,

fun at the DiGiovanni's house

and everyone called her Mrs. D.

And that's who she was, but my mom and I did not have--

uh, we did not have a close relationship.

- MAN: You didn't? - I was--no.

Me and my mom really struggled.

So I wasn't, um...yeah.

Now, the last gig that I had

before the quarantine started, I was working on a cruise,

and it was a gay cruise.

It was me and 6,500 gay men, yes.

- [crowd cheering] - Oh, yeah.

But it gets better.

The average age of the men:

70 years old.

- Seventy years old. - [laughter]

It was the greatest thing in the world.

Now, don't get me wrong, these men were down to fuck,

but...

they also went to bed at a reasonable hour.

It was fantastic! You know?

It was lights out at 9:00.

Lights out at 9:00.

The parties were at 4:30.

It was the greatest thing in the world.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

A lot of leathered chaps, quarter to five,

Quarter to five.

And they all called me "young lady."

I was like, "Can I live here?

"Do I live here now? Can I please live here?"

It's the greatest thing that's ever happened.

Now I'll tell you this, everyone:

I've been watching a lot of pornography,

for research, I'm writing a paper.

But I'll tell you... I have.

This is what happens, right? You're at home, by yourself,

and you're like, "Let's watch--" You know,

"Let's watch some porn." And I have.

It's--I'm not-- I'm not proud of myself.

But I will tell you, I've been watching

the same pornography

for the last 25 years.

The same one.

It's just a five-minute clip.

You know what I mean?

He kisses her shoulder and I am done.

That's all I need. That's it.

Good night, Marie, I'm done.

Do you know what I'm saying?

But I'll tell you, the people,

the actors in the movie that I enjoy, at this point,

they've got to be dead, at this point.

They are long dead at this. May they rest.

So basically what I'm telling you,

I've been watching porn

in memoriam at this point.

I am--God bless them.

You know what I mean? They've done good work.

So I decided to look up some new stuff.

I was like, "Let's see something else.

"Let's jazz it up a bit, Deej."

So this is what--I was like, "Okay, fine."

Now I don't know if you know this, everyone,

but in the world of sex, everybody,

choking is now considered

"vanilla sex."

Choking another human.

Vanilla sex, that's vanilla.

If that is vanilla, please don't tell me what rocky road is.

I'll never sleep again. I'll never sleep again.

Do you want me to have night terrors?

Why are you doing this to me?

So then I watched the pornography,

and I don't wanna spoil it for you but, uh...

I cried during this porn and not because it was scary

but because it was nice, it was nice.

And this is--this is what was going on in the movie.

Again, okay, I don't wanna ruin it, um.

He was going down on her and they were holding hands,

and I got to tell you,

that's what got me. That's what got me.

It's the connection that I miss,

you know what I mean? That is--

Okay, to be honest, this is, you know--

actually this is not my joke book.

This is my journal.

I shouldn't be reading from this.

This is the wrong one.

I will tell you, though,

uh, it just--

It just says "Mom" written in blood.

That's weird.

It's not my blood, though, so we're fine.

The food trouble started very young.

Like, for me, honestly, like-- well, might as well say it--

like, for me honestly, it's like,

you know, drugs, alcohol,

but like I am--I am--uh,

food is the thing for me.

Like, I mean, I know people start

drinking and doing drugs, like, young.

You know, if I would've had that chance,

I probably would've at eleven but, you know,

ice cream was easier

and more accessible at seven for me.

And then that's when I started to get heavy.

So when I started to get heavy,

that really put a severe wedge

between me and my mother

because, um...

I think it embarrassed her,

I think she was--

because I come from a--

I come from, like, a family of babes.

Like, I really do. Like, every one of my family,

like, they're all hot and gorgeous,

Like... [sighs]

It just--it just really did.

Like, it really separated us.

And then it was, you know,

the minute I went away to college,

I was like-- I just did not return.

Anyway, let's keep moving.

I will say I am one of those ladies

that likes younger men

and there's a term for that.

It is, um, uh...

broken emotionally.

That is--it's broken, deep down in the heart.

But I had the troubles. I got the troubles.

And I am going to jail, so I'm fine.

I know I'm going to jail. I am--I'm prepare--

You know, the thing is, I'm ready for jail.

I'm not scared of jail. I'm really not.

The only thing that scares me about prison

is I'm scared I'm not gonna make friends.

That's what scares me about jail.

Can you imagine being in jail for, like, five years

and not making any friends?

Oh, my God.

It's like moving to LA all over again.

[laughter] [audience] Whoa!

Whoa, that was too soon. That hurt my heart.

That got me right in the heart, you know.

Of course, my heart always hurts.

I should exercise. The thing is, the message is...

Oh, goodness. I'll tell you this, too.

I'm gonna ask you a question. Just be honest with me.

I'm gonna ask you a question.

Do you guys ever get tired of washing,

uh, like, your body?

Do you ever--do you ever?

Do you ever--do you ever look at the shower

and go, "What the fuck? This again?

"I got to do this again?"

I have so much hair, I'm exhausted.

I can't keep going. It's too much.

And I'll tell you--

I know you know this about California.

There is no water pressure in California.

Are you kidding me? This state, there's no water--.

My tears have more water pressure

than this fucking state.

Because I can get a gush going. After the show, for sure.

But I'll say this:

I am very scared to run out of water.

I'm terrified to run out of water and here's why:

'Cause I know I'm not gonna make it

in a "Mad Max" situation, do you know what I mean?

Like, if the world, like, gets all Thunderdome

and there's like a war for water?

I don't have a ch-- I'm not even gonna try.

I'm gonna sit down until I'm dead.

That is it. I'm not gonna move.

'Cause the scariest thing you can say to me is "run."

Holy fuck. Are you kidding me?

That is--I'm not--I'm just gonna lie down until I'm gone.

"Just go around me" is my message.

Go around me. That's it, all right?

My friends used to call me Tank

because I could drink so much, you know.

MAN: And what kind of, um, drunk were you?

"Whoo!" I was that drunk.

"Yeah!" I was always that one.

That was--I'm from a small town.

"Let's git her!" Like, that was totally me.

And then when I started, uh, smoking weed

'cause then my late high school/college boyfriend

was a big pothead, and then I was just like,

"Oh, I like this way better," and then...yeah.

Here's something. You know what I hate?

When people ask you this: "What do you do for fun?"

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Seriously, that's an attack.

"What do you do for fun?"

Fuck you. That's what I do.

That's it.

What's wrong with you?

Nobody does anything for fun.

We sit and we stare and we like it.

I'm not the--come on.

You know what I mean? People that ask that,

they rock-climb. It's those ones.

"I really--" They're waiting for you to ask.

"I rock-climb." Okay, rock climbers,

so just let me get this straight:

you climb up and then you come back down?

That's what you do?

Who's chasing you? What's wrong with your heart?

Like, what's-- are you dead inside?

Something's wrong.

You know what-- you know what I don't do?

I don't ask stupid fucking questions like that.

That's what I do for fun.

You know what I mean? I live my life.

Now I will tell you

my, uh--I've been, uh, working out,

been trying to get into shape during the quarantine,

you know what I mean?

I've been wearing a Fitbit.

Oh, I don't have it on. I don't have it on.

I do not have it on, I--

To be honest, it's too tight. It is too tight.

It cuts my circulation right off.

I passed out the other day!

But I missed a meal, so that was nice.

But I'll tell you this, uh...

my personal trainer has been texting me and I'm like,

"Bitch, we're in quarantine. Leave me alone,"

Do you know what I mean? This is--I'm,

"Who dis? I'm not--new phone." Get away from me!

She won't leave me alone. She won't leave me alone.

And she's the prettiest woman I've ever met in real life.

Like she's so pretty, like, I don't know how to talk to her.

You know, sometimes I look at her, I'm like,

"I don't know if I should kiss you or punch you."

I don't know which one to do.

You know, they're both cardio

if you get your knees up.

But I'll say this-- let's keep moving.

But I will tell you, she sometimes talks to me

like we're the same every once in a while.

She'll be like, "Do you know when guys..."

I'm like,

"No, I don't."

I have no idea how to finish that sentence.

What are you even talking about?

She's so scary, and I will say this,

I have, you know, I've been single for a while

but I used to have some fun.

I had--in my youth, I was fun.

Like, in high school,

I had a threesome when I was in high school.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

- Actually it was-- - Woman: Whoo!

It was a couple making out

and I was guarding the door.

I really was. I was like, "Keep going!"

[laughs]

"Am I next? Is it my turn next?"

It wasn't. It was not my turn.

But I'm waiting, and it seems like fun.

I look forward to it.

But here's something else I'll tell you.

I have--I've been alone for a long time.

I haven't been in the dating world for a while

and I got to say, I'm so out of it now.

Like, it feels like I've been in a coma

and I just woke up and I'm like "The internet?"

Like, I have no idea what's going on anymore.

Like, sexually speaking, I'm a VCR.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

I--and I'll eat your tape.

I'll eat your fucking tape, I really will.

You pull it out, it's all shredded.

You know what I mean?

You gotta fix it with a pencil, you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

You don't, you're very young.

You don't know what I mean. It's all right.

You should ask your dad. He knows what I mean.

Also,

I fucked your dad, I'm sure.

I'm not sure. I don't know.

I keep my eyes closed. I just want it to be done.

But the thing is,

I'll tell you...

Your laugh was great.

I always made my friends laugh

but I honestly never thought of performing.

Never ever. It was-- high school was never like

"You should be--" Never. There was no drama classes,

nothing at all.

And then I got to school and then I found that,

like, the courses that I did the best in

were the ones that had presentations.

I would just crush them.

Like, I don't even remember it, like, happening.

Like, I was a pothead so I was like, whatever.

I wasn't even prepared and then I'd show up and be like,

"I'm gonna wing it," and they'd be like, "Well--"

"I got this." And then I would just make everyone laugh.

I was kind of like, "Oh, real Debra emerging."

And I was just like, "Ooh. [laughs]

Yes, please." And that was it.

I quit school

and I was living at this dorm,

and I was like, "What do I do?"

And then all the girls that were there were like,

"You should-- you should do comedy."

And then, it was fine. I got a ton of standup work.

I was always able to. So I was able to quit

my "day job" probably in, like, year six of doing comedy.

And then so when I was just, like, home,

I was high. And I think a lot of people--

'cause I don't come off as-- you know, I come off as, like,

your aunt, you know, and, like--but I'm like,

"No, I was your high aunt."

I mean, I was just a chronic pot smoker, I was never sober.

I was never sober.

Okay, so you know what I find really strange?

I--people that go camping, do you know?

Uh, because let's be honest, camping--

no one actually likes to go camping.

You just like to do drugs outside.

Can we be honest? Why are we lying?

Let's give up the façade! We all know.

Right? Am I wrong?

Oh, and also, too,

I'm gonna tell you this right now, everyone.

If you go camping,

you are asking to be murdered.

You know this, right?

This is--I don't make it up.

I just pass on the facts to you, do you understand?

Okay, seriously, though? This is--if you don't know,

serial killers live in the woods.

That's where they go. That's where they go.

That's their domain. If you go into the woods,

you are asking to die, all right?

Now, my best friend just went camping with her family.

She's like, "Debra, we're safe. We're fine. We're in a tent."

- [laughter] - A--a tent?!

Okay.

Tents are made of what,

is that Kleenex? A tent? Are you kidding me?

That little zipper door

gonna keep you safe from old Cuckoo LaRue?

Let me say this.

Have you seen a sleeping bag, everyone?

A sleeping bag is a to-go bag for a murderer.

Are you fucking kidding me?

That is a doggy bag if I've ever seen one.

Are you joking?

They just zip it up, take you home, eat you later.

I don't know if they do, but that's a good idea.

They should do that. Now, I'll say this...

I do watch a lot of shows about murder,

probably too many.

I do watch a lot of shows about murder.

Women love shows about murder.

I don't know why, we love it.

I think it's because we are-- when we're watching it,

we're glad that no one's killed us yet.

Do you know what I'm saying? We have that--

Like, "I'm still alive! [cackles]"

We're so excited, aren't we? It's a good moment.

It's not--I'm not happy, but it's good.

You know, I'm telling you this, please.

I don't--I don't want you obviously--

I don't want you to murder me, but...

I want you to want to murder me.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?

There's nothing-- I don't want anything halfway.

I either want you to love me too much

or hate me too much. I don't want--I don't--

Please don't murder me after the show, please don't.

I got a bad knee. Oh, why'd I tell you?

I got a bad knee! I shouldn't have told you!

That makes it easy. But I'll say this, everyone.

There's a lot of things-- a lot of things

about the murder shows that have now--

it's affected my brain.

There's too much scary stuff on TV.

The world is terrifying, and I--I'm always scared.

Do you know what I mean? This isn't good. Okay.

All right. Do you ever do this? Do you ever do this?

Do you ever open a jar of peanut butter

'cause you're just living your life, you know what I mean?

Just wanna have a snack,

just have some fun. Do you ever do this?

Do you ever open the jar of peanut butter

and you panic because you don't recognize

the tracks in the peanut butter jar?

Am I right? You open it up and you're like, "[laughs]

"[gasp] I don't remember that scoop!

"Who took that scoop?" And you assume

that someone is in your apartment,

waiting to kill you, you know what I mean?

I got to tell you, 'cause that's what I would do.

If I was going to murder someone I'd have some peanut butter!

Do you know what I mean?

"That doesn't look like mine.

"That's not my-- I can tell it's not my scoop

"'cause I like to go down one side and then under

and then just right up."

Snack shovel. But I'll say this...

I do like peanut butter. Oh, edgy.

But I do like peanut butter.

Um, but here's the thing with me. I like peanut butter

but I don't like peanuts. What?

How does that make sense, Debra?

I don't--I don't like the main product.

I like the product, but I don't like the main,

do you know what I mean? But it flips,

I got it all over the place. Like, I love chickpeas--oh!

But I hate hummus.

What are you doing? What's going on? Who am I?

It works for everything. Like, I love jizz,

but I hate babies,

Do you know what I'm talking about?

That was--that was too far.

Was that too far? It felt too far.

It felt too far. So let's keep going.

Here's another thing.

Can we admit this about jizz?

Jizz is a lot like McDonald's French fries, isn't it?

Only good fresh. Am I right?

Oh, you let it sit for a minute, it's inedible.

It's inedible. Are you kidding?

I wrote that one.

It came to me in a dream, that one.

It came to me.

It's like I'm a prophet. Anyway...

here's something else that I'll tell you.

You know what else is weird? When people ask you

if you want to hold their baby. "Do you wanna hold my baby?"

I'm like, "Was the baby asking for me?"

I don't know why do you want me to hold--

You want me to hold something that was in your body

for nine months, you fucking sicko?

What's the matter with you? I'm a--

You want me to hold your innards?

That is--you know what I'm gonna hold that was in your body?

Your husband's dick. All right.

Listen, that was too far.

I admit that that was too far.

I'm outside, I had a Diet Coke,

I don't know what's going on. I'm out of control.

I'm out of control.

I am sober. Hmm.

I have no medication in my body.

Is that--it gets weird!

But I have nothing. I'm totally sober.

Now, I quit drinking many years ago, but that was easy for me.

It was--my big problem was drugs, all right?

So I quit--I quit, uh, smoking marijuana

like four and a half years ago. Fine. Done.

And now, my next one is food. I got some troubles.

So this--so basically what I'm telling you is

my big problems are marijuana and food, all right?

It's like, how privileged am I? Do you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, "Oh, I have too much food and marijuana.

[imitates crying] "I'm addicted to luxury."

Fuck you, DiGiovanni. You know what I mean?

Golden boats and sleeping in, that's what I'm--okay.

You're all drug addicts. Good to know.

Anyway, that's fine.

Thing is when I was high all the time,

my life just got really, really small.

And then, like, I would always want, like, the--

I always just wanted to leave because I wanted to go home

- and get high. - MAN: Was it hindering

your work or your-- the education?

That's--that was the thing. Like, I was always, like--

I'm fine until it starts to screw with work.

That's what I promised my best friend.

I was like, "If it starts to mess with comedy,

"that's when I'll think about quitting.

Until that happens, I'm fine." And then it did.

Traveling, I didn't wanna do anymore

because, you know, this was before everything was legal

and I would be like, "I can't--I'm not--four days?

"I'm not going." Like, unless I had a hookup in that town,

I was not going. So I started to cancel things.

Bullshit, terrible excuses. Like, just ridiculous, like,

"Well, the cab driver stole my suitcase."

I fucking legitimately said that to somebody,

that the cab driver stole my suitcase.

And they were like, "Okay."

And then I started to get the reputation that I cancel.

And then it started coming back and I was just like,

"Oh, oh, wait a minute."

The amount of amends I had to make

was so humiliating.

- WOMAN: [laughs] - DEBRA: So I was watching--

I was watching television the other day.

Uh, don't be jealous.

But I was watching TV. I'm very busy,

and, uh, a woman was being interviewed,

and this woman claimed that she had sex with a ghost,

so this woman said. She wasn't upset by it, though.

She wasn't, she was fine. She was like, "You know,

"I went to bed and a spirit came to me and we made love."

And I was watching, thinking to myself,

"If that is true, you know,

"I am going to bed earlier."

Now, I'll say this-- let's get out of here!

But I will tell you, I will tell you...

You know, I know. I have been single for a bit,

but I--I've been spending-- I spent some time

with some gentlemen, in the last little bit.

Like I did, you know, and as I mentioned,

you know, I like younger men. I was spending time

with a younger guy, like half my age.

Very cute. Uh, very dumb, though.

Very, very dumb. He was--

He was so dumb he had no idea

that women in their 40s could still get pregnant.

He had no idea. He was like,

"At your age, I can still get you pregnant?"

I was like, "Oh, not after saying that, you can't.

"Get out of my house. I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

"The doors are locked, you're mine now."

Anyway, he is--he said that.

I left a bowl of water out. He'll be fine.

But here's the thing, I think.

Now, I will tell you, I also was spending some time

with a tall man. Now let me tell you,

I am not a size queen. My little princes, I love you.

But tall works for me.

It's a good angle for me.

I look good from above, do you know what I'm saying?

With a little distance, that's how I look good.

Like, from above, I only have one chin from above, you know?

If you're looking down at me,

that's how-- that's how God sees me.

That's how God sees me, right?

On my knees, sucking his dick.

But here's the thing. All right.

I don't know what's happening. I don't know what--

I've lost control. I think we've all admitted that.

I'm going to the hospital after this.

But I will tell you... [laughs] I will say,

I am getting older and it starts to happen.

I'm gonna warn everyone, young ladies in the front here,

listen to me. They don't tell you everything

in gym class about what happens to you.

They do not tell you

all the terrible things that happen to you.

There's something called perimenopause

and that--yeah. And it's the--

and it's the five to forty years

before menopause starts. It's not good.

I'm not kidding. Terrible things happen.

You remember in your 20s when you had PMS,

you'd be like, "Oh, my God, I wanna kill someone."

In your 40s, you are actually planning murders.

You're planning the murders.

I have rope in my house.

Where it's come from, nobody knows, all right?

But don't mess with me. And I'm telling you

that terrible things happen. Last month, I bled for 11 days.

11 days. I'm like, "Is it stigmata? Am I dying?

"Am I the-- am I the Christ, Lord?"

It's terrifying stuff. It's--and I'll say this:

It's not leaving nicely, do you know what I mean?

It's not--it's not like just one day, like, my period's not--

No, no, it's going out like a lion.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

It's like--my period at this point is like

a drunk girl leaving a party, you know what I mean?

She's like, [slurring] "I'm leaving.

"I didn't wanna be here. Fuck you. I hate you guys.

"This is mine. I'm taking this."

She's-- but she comes back. She sneaks back in.

"I'm back, bitches!" It is awful. It is awful.

Get rid of her. Someone, get the bouncer.

I'm not joking. All right.

Now, I will tell you, I am an old goat,

but I am--I'm very lucky because I do look

quite a bit younger than I am.

I don't-- if I told you my real age,

you would panic. You would be like,

"[gasps] Impossible, Debra. Stop."

That's what you would say. But here's the thing.

just say it. All right. But I'll tell you,

The only reason I look young, though,

is because...

I'm fat. That is the only reason I look young.

It fills in the lines. Are you kidding me?

All of you idiots wasting money on Botox,

this is fucking cheese. Are you kidding?

Look at this face! Look at me.

Baby face, you know what I mean?

$8.99 a block, dumdums. Look at this.

Cherubic. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna die young for sure,

but I'm gonna look good. I'm gonna look good.

I think one of the things that stopped me

from getting sober was the true honest fear

that I wasn't gonna be funny anymore.

I mean, that was weeks in therapy.

"Do you promise me I'm still gonna be funny?"

And my therapist was like, "I promise you."

And then, you know, the first time

getting back onstage, it was scary.

Like, it was just like, "Do I still have this?

Can I do this?" And the first show went great.

The first show back went great.

And honestly, I think I'm a better comic.

I like it better because I know where I am

and I feel, like, bright-eyed and bushy tailed

and clear and sharper,

and I don't forget things, and--you know what I mean?

Like, I definitely got to the point where I was like,

"Did I say that already?" Like, you know what I mean? Uch.

I'm just more present and I think--

I think that makes a better comic, you know?

Now, I do love to worry.

I don't know if any of you enjoy it.

Uh, I am the kind of person, I wake up in the morning,

if I forget what I was worrying about,

oh, I'll call a thousand people.

Because I can't--I love it, all right?

And one thing that really freaks me out,

a lot of my friends sleep naked.

One of my girlfriends was telling me she sleeps naked.

Okay. Let me-- I have to say this to you.

Please don't sleep naked. Anything can happen

in the middle of the night. Anything can happen.

You're very vulnerable. You're very vulnerable.

Honest to God. Like, what are you doing?

And they're just lying there naked for the--

And let's say the house sets on fire.

Now what are you gonna do, smarty-no-pants?

You're in fucking trouble. You understand what I'm saying?

Now, I do not sleep naked. Number one, you're welcome.

Feel free to drop by. Number two, everyone,

the reason I don't sleep naked--

you got to go with me.

The reason I don't sleep naked

is because I'm scared

something is gonna crawl into me.

Now, listen to me on this. Listen, listen.

It's 'cause I watch a lot of shows about murder

and then I follow with pornography right after.

I got to tell you,

that is a terrible combination, do you understand?

You're not getting eight hours of sleep after that.

There's no way.

Now, I will tell you this, everybody.

All of us--it's usually at this point of the show

where you all start looking at me thinking,

"This woman has a cat."

And I do not have a cat, so fuck you.

But I will tell you,

I do cat-sit, though. That's nice.

I cat-sit for my friends, you know what I mean?

I realize it's fun, you know, and I was--uh...

The last cat I was with, we were together for two weeks

and we had so much fun. We talked about boys,

we did a puzzle, we had popcorn. It was fun.

But now, I do comedy, right, every night of my life,

so I'm out every night of my life

and I worried about this cat.

I'm like, "I don't know this cat.

"Who is he? What's he doing at home?

"Is he scared without me? What's happening?"

And then on day five, I start to think to myself,

"What if the cat is also doing comedy at home?"

Do you know what I mean? What if when I leave the house,

the cat's all, "What's the deal

with all the crying?" You know what I mean?

Because he's...

He knows my routine, is what I'm telling you.

He knows my routine.

When I got sober, my mom got sick

and then it was kind of like, the phone call where--

Like, she truly was just like, "The cancer is back.

"Do you wanna, like, stop hating each other?"

And I was like, "Yes, absolutely."

And then it was just like, "I love you," "I love you,"

and that was it. And then the last two years

of her life were the best two years

of our relationship. Like, I talked to my mom more

in the last two years of her life

than I did my entire life.

Like, if I hadn't been sober,

I would--we would probably not have talked.

It was good because it was just like, I had apologized,

she had apologized, you know. It was--

It's just what you want it to be, you know.

This is crazy. I live in Los Angeles

and I don't drive. Um, I know.

But, uh, it's, uh, it's safest for everyone.

So I take a lot of Ubers, I take a lot of the ridesharing, right?

And, like, I took one here and that's fine.

And I--I'll say this about rideshare:

The talking to the driver, you're always like,

"Okay." At some point, you're like, "All right. Enough."

But I always--I always lie whenever I'm in a car.

I'm never-- I never tell the truth.

I'm excited to lie, to be honest.

Do you know what I mean? I get ready, I order the car,

I'm like, "Who am I gonna be?" I'm so excited.

There's a backstory. Sometimes, I use an accent.

Yeah, it just-- which is a lie.

I am unable to do accents. I can't do accents at all.

This is me doing a British accent.

Are you ready? Here it is.

[mumbling] That was it. That was it.

I can't do it. My brain turns off.

I could be sick. But here's the thing.

So I'm excited to lie, all right?

And here's the thing, I'll tell you.

You never ever, ever tell a driver

that you're a comedian.

This is a huge mistake, all right?

So I panicked and I told this driver that I was a comedian.

And then he did the thing that every driver does, you know.

"Oh, you're a comedian? [laughs]

"People tell me I could be a comedian."

And I was like, "[laughs] That's great.

Pull this car over. Are you kidding me?

"This ride is done, Jeffrey." Do you know what I'm saying?

"That is one star for you, motherfucker."

And then he kept talking to me, do you know what I mean?

And he was a bit of a dud, do you know what I mean?

A little bit of a dud, God bless his heart, all right?

So he starts talking. He keeps going.

And then he's asking me questions, he's like,

"So what kind of comedian are you?"

I'm like, "I don't know, good. I don't know."

And he's like, "Are you dirty?"

I'm like, "Of course I'm dirty. I'm a grown woman."

He's like, "How dirty are you?"

I'm like, "What do you need, Jeff, one to ten?

What do you want right now?"

And this is what he said to me, I'm not lying.

This is what he said to me, He's like,

"No, no, no, are you like shit-on-my-chest dirty?"

[laughter]

It was 9:00 in the morning. It was 9:00 in the morning.

That's a PM conversation. Are you with me on that?

That is post meridiem talk. Are you kidding me?

12:00 noon, shit on my chest. Let's do this.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

That was back to five stars for Jeffrey.

That improved his rating.

I'm totally kidding. I called the police.

I hope he's dead. Anyway...

Oh, I pray for his death.

Now I'll say this...

I've said a lot of terrible things here tonight,

but they're just jokes. We're having a giggle.

And I know that, when, you know, there's a lot of things

that I'm not--shouldn't be saying anymore.

Like, I've been learning a lot, some language I can't use.

Like, I do not use the word "slut" anymore.

That is no slut shaming. It's out. No more.

But there's an old rule in comedy that says,

I'm allowed to tell jokes about sluts,

and here's why.

One of my sisters is a slut.

Now, I'll say this.

That makes it open territory. Do you understand?

I'm allowed to do that. I know what you're thinking.

That's not nice, but here's the thing.

I have three sisters.

So, you don't know which one I'm talking about.

You know? Unless you know my family,

then you totally know who I know who I'm talking about.

Yeah. It is Monica.

Anyway, she is...a whore.

And that's it for me, everyone. You've been lovely.

Enjoy the rest of the night. Thank you so much.

- [crowd cheering] - MAN: Give it up for Debra.

[cheers and applause]

There's an app that my friend used

for when she quit cigarettes.

And it's like,

"Put in how much money you save."

And, you know, "Oh, and your lungs."

And so, I did it. And I checked this

the other day 'cause I wanted-- just 'cause

every once in a while I like to check.

So, it's been four years, six months,

and as of yesterday, twenty-one days,

that I stopped smoking pot.

And I've saved, uh,

$57,000.

MAN: Holy shit!

The sound guy--the sound guy

just put his head down.

[laughter]

- Uh-hmm. - MAN: Oh, good.

I have nothing to show for that, by the way.

- I do not own a house. [laughs] - MAN: I was gonna say,

- that it was definitely-- - But, yeah, like, seriously,

I was renting marijuana an apartment every month

- is what I was doing. - [man laughs]

That's literally what it was, right?

[crowd cheering]

♪

Blaq Ron, is that good or--

- Oh, man. - --is there anything else?

The Malcolm X of comedy?

- Malcolm X of comedy. - All right.

- That works. - Yeah.

Blaq Ron.

I'm from Dallas, Texas.

The Oak Cliff part.

That's the part where

you're not supposed to make it,

unless you can dribble a ball.

Oak Cliff and South Dallas,

the two worst parts in town.

But they birthed some of the best talents.

MAN: From Oak Cliff, Texas put your hands together

for the Malcolm X of comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Blaq Ron.

[cheers and applause]

♪

LA, how we doing, man?

Make some more noise in the building right now.

- We alive. - [crowd cheering]

We made it.

We beat Corona so far.

[laughter]

God damn it, 1-0.

I don't--I don't know which round this is,

but damn it, I done won.

Shit, I been outside high-fiving people all day.

- I got my results back. - [laughter]

Shit's more stressful than a HIV test.

I was waiting on them damn Coronavirus tests,

they stuck that long ass shit in my nose, man.

- [laughter] - I was like, "Please, Jesus.

"Don't let them tell me I got the cooties.

"Lord, this."

This shit is the cooties. It took you back

all the way to preschool.

It's an invisible disease.

You don't know if you got it.

But if they tell you got it,

- you got it. - WOMAN: You got it.

[laughter]

What if I'm asymptomatic,

which means I feel fine, but I got it?

[laughter]

You just walking around, giving it to people,

and feeling fine at the same damn time.

You patient zero.

[laughter]

I came up in the traditional South.

You're taught respect.

You're taught Christianity.

You're taught how to cook good

and how to get your ass whooped

a thousand different ways.

There are so many different ways

to get yourself tore out the frame

as a little boy coming up in the South.

I remember one time,

my momma came up to the school

and called out my full,

government, Christian, baptized name,

like, "Ronald Dailey!"

And my momma was like, "Oh, no.

"He'll be right back."

Took me to the house, tied my ass up

like I was a loose radiator. I'm talking about

my momma beat me...

[man laughing]

like she was Bobby Fischer

and I was the chess robot.

My momma beat me like

I was the last boss on the fighting game.

And then took me back to school.

Like, "Yeah. Now go finish learning."

Yeah. I learned a lot today, lady.

Learned a whole lot.

MAN: So, what was your relationship like

with your mom, overall?

Oh, man. That's my girl.

Oh, we made it, man,

through trials and tribulations.

If you over 30, make some noise right now.

[cheers and applause]

Dammit. Again!

That's another one in our books.

We've been trialing and tribulating

- this whole damn time. - [laughter]

We had a hard life. If you over 30,

we've been through a lot of shit.

[laughter]

I mean, just look at our track record.

I was born in '85.

This shit has been a lot of shit.

I was born, crack, boom, off the muscle.

Let's get it going.

Let's start your life with the crack war.

How you like that? By the time you can walk,

we gonna snatch down the wall in Berlin.

You ready for that? Then we just gonna give you some Bush.

You ready?

We gonna give you some Bush.

Then we're gonna give you a war.

We're gonna give you a war for no reason at all.

Then we're gonna give you a white man

with a saxophone.

He's gonna be the president.

[laughter]

He's gonna be the president,

and then, we gonna bring back basketball,

and we gonna go win all the Olympics.

Shit gonna be cool for a little bit.

We got gangsta rap.

We gonna let that ride for a while.

White people are gonna be nervous.

Black men gonna throw up their gang signs

with perfect iambic pentameter.

We gonna give it to your ass

for a little while.

And then, all of a sudden, Y2K.

Get yourself ready. You scared?

You scared? Your life gonna end.

Is your computer compatible?

You remember when we was buying potted meat

and bottled water?

Resetting our VCRs

for fucking nothing?

You remember that?

Y2K had us scared.

That shit was 20 years ago.

There's grown kids out here, like,

"What the fuck you talking about?"

[laughter]

VCR? What the fuck is a VCR?

You like, "Yes. "I had to program that shit

"every time the lights went out.

"Otherwise, it will be 12:00

"in my house all goddamn day."

[laughter]

We grew up hard.

[laughter]

As soon as we get ready to graduate high school,

2003, 2004,

everything was wonderful.

You had white people dancing off-beat to crunk music.

[laughter]

Lil Jon and East Side Boyz. Had everybody

representing the East Side,

regardless to what your side was.

Usher had white people in the club

dancing with they shoulders.

It was aggressive.

Y'all remember when y'all was in the club.

Y'all was just in that motherfucker

off-beat and smiling.

Everything was wonderful.

[laughter]

Right before we graduated, what happened?

Worst thing ever happened to America, 9/11.

We had just came from computers.

Then they hit us with 9/11.

We shook back.

Bought some tall tees,

got some fitted jerseys and some throwbacks.

Everything was good.

Put a Black man in office.

Oh, shit was beautiful.

Yes, we did, and yes, we can.

My president was Black.

My Lambo was blue.

[laughter]

Everything was going great.

Life was once again

doing what it was supposed to do.

And then, they hit us

with yet another disease,

Ebola.

Ebola came back out of nowhere.

Ebola had been gone since '81.

Ebola went out with Pro Wings

- and the Atari. - [laughter]

Ebola was been gone.

Ebola was like, "Guess who back, bitch?

"Ka-boom.

"Guess who stepped in the room.

"Ebola! I'm killing every goddamn body."

Then the Ebola went away

for a summer.

Came back, H1N1.

- Ebola with a new jacket. - [laughter]

It was only killing poor folks, you remember?

H1N1 went away.

Then they came back, said, "West Nile virus."

West Nile virus killing everybody by mosquitoes.

Who was checking the mosquitoes' passports

to find out where the hell

the mosquitoes came from?

How you know these weren't East Nile mosquitoes?

How you know? You just gonna assume

because the mosquitoes are from the Upper Nile region,

that they was West Nile. How these mosquitoes

travel all the way across the Atlantic Ocean?

I thought mosquitoes only live two days.

You mean to tell me in two days,

this mosquito flew from Egypt

across the fucking Atlantic Ocean

all the way to California,

and bit me and gave me the cooties?

[laughter]

Then they say only female mosquitoes bite.

Who busting the legs open on these mosquitoes

to see what they're working with?

How do you know mosquito dick when you see it?

Like, it's got to be small.

I know it.

[laughter]

As if that shit wasn't enough,

West Nile went away, and they said, "Zika virus.

"Zika is out. Be careful.

"It's gonna give you a little-head baby."

[laughter]

We was like, "Little-head babies?"

They showed us pictures. Little-head babies!

We was like, "Oh, my God.

"It'll bite you and give you a little-head baby?"

Yes. Don't go to Brazil.

Don't plan no cruises.

If it bites you, you're gonna have a little-head baby.

[laughter]

We said, "What?

"A little-head baby?"

"Bitch, you heard us.

"Your baby will have a little head."

"Oh, my God.

"Zika is out here."

We ain't go nowhere for the Olympics.

We ain't go to Brazil or nothing.

We just let them people tell us

little-head babies was gonna keep us from the pool.

We didn't do shit in 2016.

We didn't swim.

We didn't take poolside pictures.

We didn't stay outside after 5:30.

[laughter]

What they replaced the little-head babies with:

killer bees, Africanized bees.

What type of racist shit is that?

Africanized. Oh, so the bees,

only because they wanna kill some shit, they Africanized.

Okay. If they just wanted to come over

and just take over your neighborhood,

I guess they'd be Europeanized bees.

[laughter]

The aggressive, wanna-kill-you bees,

they Africanized.

Again, who was checking the passports on these bees?

Anybody stop 'em these bees say, "Yes.

"We come over to kill everyone."

[laughter]

"In my village,

"we kill five white people

"before you are a grown man."

[laughter]

Somebody check these bees.

As soon as the bees was over with,

here come Ebola again,

Ebola and bad meat.

Everybody go vegan.

All the meat is bad.

All the Netflix documentaries showing you

all the meat is bad. Don't watch this shit.

I was eating a burger while I was watching this shit.

I was, like, "Oh, my God. What the fuck

"am I doing with my life?"

Throw the burger away. Throw everything away right now.

Let's just move to a farm and eat grass.

This shit grow. Oh, my God.

They are killing us with the medicine and the food,

and the water and the air, and the sleep.

Oh, my God. You can't get no sleep

because if you go to bed, you can't--

you can't just fall asleep.

So, you're sitting there, twiddling your feet.

Now, you got restless legs syndrome.

Oh, my God.

"If you or anyone you know

"got restless legs syndrome,

"call this 1-800 number.

"And then, if you're breathing deep,

"you might have mesothelioma."

Oh, my fucking God.

They are killing us slow by slow,

and we don't know what we're dying from.

[laughter]

Before Corona, they told us that some hornets

had came over with killing on they minds.

They was the murder hornets!

These hornets kill you and walk away.

They don't even run. They walk away.

They're getting away with it. These hornets is big.

You saw the hornets on YouTube. You watched it.

Hornet big, he had shoes on.

Big-ass fucking hornet.

These hornets was fucking a mouse up.

They had three of them.

Like, "Where you from, cuz?"

And they had him in the corner.

Oh, they stabbed him repeatedly.

[laughter]

Shit, I think those was Mexicanized hornets.

[laughter]

I don't think that,

but that's what they'll tell you on Fox News.

[laughter]

I realized I grew up a statistical anomaly.

Most Black kids grew up in the '80s and '90s

grew up in a single parent household,

or a strained relationship between their parents.

I don't have that story to tell.

You know, I grew up, both of my parents in the house.

Our house represented stability.

You know, we have friends that would remark about stuff,

like, "Oh, man. Y'all-- your family get along so great."

So, a lot of kids came over to our house, you know,

looking back on it, in hindsight,

for peace and stability

that they didn't get at their houses.

MAN: You grew up in what people consider obviously

- a successful marriage. - Uh-hmm.

MAN: And you're not--you-- were you ever married?

No. So, now I'm co-parenting.

And when my daughter is with me,

she's deeply immersed

in my side of the family.

So, she gets to see

what a close-knit family unit looks like.

She just also understands that

it didn't work out for her parents.

But she has a mom and a stepdad,

and a well-rounded environment,

which is ultimately what you want, you know.

I'm a grown man for nothing.

I got grown, and realized that

this version of grown man is no longer in style.

I am exactly the man my father raised me to be,

and I am the wrong fucking version.

This shit is obsolete.

This version of man is not the man

that they want us to be out here.

All I thought was I was being a man.

Turns out, my whole life I've been toxic.

Never knew it, don't know what the fuck it means

still to this day, but I guess I am.

[laughter]

I didn't know that dressing like a boy

and wearing man clothes,

and being an old school man,

made you toxic. My whole life,

I was just practicing to be a old nigga.

I love them. Old school Black men

were the best men I ever saw in my life.

They were cool, they were smooth,

and I practiced on how to be one.

As soon as I turned 18, I went and bought

old Black men cologne.

[laughter]

Went and got some Cool Water.

Some Aramis and shit.

I went and got me some Drakkar Noir.

I just started putting it on all over everywhere and shit

'cause I wanted to be one of them old men

that dap you up and hug you and when they let you go,

you smell like him all on one side.

Couldn't wait to be one of them

old school men that was a rustler.

Y'all see them at the gas station and shit,

one of them rustlers. You be like,

"What you say? 77 cents?" And then he got to go--

he got to go rustle for it in his pocket.

He got to go dig for it.

He got just assorted shit in his pocket.

Couldn't wait to be one.

Old Black men greet each other so fucking cool.

Black men greet each other, there's always a step

and some shit that rhyme,

and a dap that go with it.

It's always smooth. Be like, "Earl!"

"Shit, what's up, Clyde?"

"Oh, man, ain't shit to everybody, baby."

"Oh, I'm just tryin' to make it

"'fore these white folk take it.

"Goddamn me."

And they step back and slide with it.

Well, I was just at the house just practicing.

[laughter]

Got grown and then realized

that man ain't in style no more.

"What's your point, Blaq Ron?"

My point is we got grown for nothing.

Yeah. Let it sink in and hurt your feelings

like it hurt mine.

This is not the grownup life they promised to us

when we were kids. When we was kids,

all we did was eat cereal and watch cartoons,

and say hopeful shit like, "When I grow up,"

and we thought it was gonna be beautiful,

and look, look what happened.

This all we got.

[laughter]

This, some bullshit.

Think about it, people. Ain't none of us

who you wanted to be

when you was a little kid.

This ain't what the fuck you thought

you was gonna be when you grew up.

I'll go around the room. Sir,

what you thought you was gonna be

when you were a little boy?

- MAN: Astronaut. - A astronaut.

And have you been to the moon recently, sir?

Hell fucking no. What do you do?

MAN: Watch comedy shows.

You watch comedy shows

with a--with a-- with a space saver

with the moon on it and shit on your screen and shit.

That's it, you got a bunch of astronauty shit at your house.

You're probably a grown man with stars,

still on your ceiling.

Because that's about all you gonna get in life.

Life fucked you, brother.

[laughter]

My parents were immensely frugal,

so my daddy cut our hair.

And this shit was cool

until I got to middle school.

You get to middle school,

and people starting letting you know

everything that's wrong with you.

Now luckily enough,

I have a cousin who's a barber.

Take it to the barber shop,

and I found out what the barber shop really is.

It's the meeting ground,

it's the town square

for all of these Black men in the community.

You gonna learn, like, all about sports,

which team ain't shit. You gonna learn about music.

You gonna learn about way too many things

that a young child is not supposed to be

that well-versed on,

but that's also the shit-talking forum.

That's where you get your roast game together.

So now that I'm a grownup, I'm at the barber shop,

just bullshitting one day for hours.

So much so that the owner of the barber shop was like,

"Yo, you pretty funny,"

"Oh, yeah, man, thanks." He's like,

"Yeah, you should have been a comedian."

I'm like, "Yeah, I hear that a lot."

He's like, "Well, why you ain't ever thought

"about being a comedian?"

"Well, I thought about it,

"but I'm from Oak Cliff, bro.

"Ain't no opportunities to be no comedian."

He says, "I'm putting on a show for Shuckey Duckey.

"You ever heard of Shuckey Duckey?"

I'm like, "Of course, Shuckey Duckey.

"Quack quack. He's a household name."

He's like, "Yeah, well, I'mma let you open

"for Shuckey Duckey, how about that?"

All for me just kicking the shit

at the barber shop.

We watch TV every night,

and it's the same shit. We all watch it.

They got us scared out here right now.

Y'all watch the news.

Ain't no secret to what's going on in America.

Civil unrest.

Everybody finally understands

that racism is still alive and well in this country.

Where the fuck you been all this time?

We've been telling you over and over again,

but, hey, welcome to the party.

[laughter]

And now I finally get to see

with my own eyes,

finally on the news

and on social media,

the biggest gang in America

finally getting brought to the light...

It's the Karens.

[laughter]

This is the Karens.

White women are the biggest gangstas

on this fucking planet,

and we have all known it.

We've all known, white people don't give a fuck.

Especially white women that tell you,

"I don't give a fuck."

White women will tell it to your face.

"I don't give a fuck." Let a drunk--

A drunk white woman is a terrorist.

I'm telling you to your fucking face

'cause I want you to understand.

Look at me, white woman. You're an animal!

You're a thug. I know it.

I know it. I've seen you.

Drunk white woman will pee outside.

She don't give a fuck.

Could be a public bathroom next door to where she at.

She don't give a shit. She'll slide down slow.

"I don't give a fuck. Hold my phone, I don't--"

She ain't gonna catch her dress.

I know that she gonna pee on her feet

like she digging up a strategy in the dirt.

[laughter]

White women will come up and touch you on your hair.

WOMAN: No, no, no.

- Yes, you will, white woman. - [laughter]

I've had it happened to me too many times in life

for you tell me that I'm a liar.

Don't tell me about my struggles, white lady.

Y'all just come up and catch yourself,

"Oh my God, your hair is so beautiful.

"How do you get it to do like that?"

And your friends will tell you, "Stephanie, no.

Don't touch that man's hair."

"I don't give a fuck.

"It's just a hair, Amber.

"Your hair's so nice."

We all been standing in line before,

patiently waiting in line.

Big ol' big-ass gangsta

come walking across in front of us,

and we tell her, "Excuse, ma'am, we in line."

She be, "I know, but I got just one question."

And we don't do shit 'cause she a gangsta.

[laughter]

They're finally showing the gangstas.

"Where you from, homie?" don't put nearly

as much fear in my heart as

"What are you doing over here?"

[laughter]

"You live over here?"

Oh, that shit send a goddamn chill down my spine.

[laughter]

Go home, try to watch a little TV,

watch a little news.

It's the same story over and over again.

We adults, so we feel like we're responsible people

by watching the news.

You're a grownup when you watch the news.

You go home, and you watch the evening news,

then you watch the nightly news.

Yeah, your news program sounds something like this.

"Good evening, we begin our top story tonight

"with an apartment complex that caught on fire.

"Five people caught inside.

"More details on that in ten minutes,

"but first, a story on the 405.

"Six-car pileup.

"One of the cars caught on fire.

"More on that in five minutes,

"but first, we're gonna send it over to Tim,

"who's gonna tell us about the pets

"that we have for adoption tonight.

"Tell us about those puppies, Tim."

You like, "Fuck them damn dogs!

"Go back to the 405. I'm on the 405 right now.

Tell me about that."

[laughter]

Then you switch the channel.

Wanna watch a little fake TV,

a little programming.

You watch one of your favorite adult shows

like one of mine,

"Law & Order."

But you got to say it correctly, "Law & Orders."

Because there's more than one. They got "Criminal Intent."

They got regular "Law and Orders."

Then they got my favorite,

"SVU: Law & Orders."

And you got to call it "Law & Orders"

because you can't watch just one of them.

They like potato chips.

You got to watch a bunch of them

before you can go your ass to bed.

They--and I understand why now

because they don't ever let the episode go all the way off.

They cut the screen in half, and one go off

and another one come right the fuck back on

right behind it.

And them "gloom glooms" freeze you.

They stick you in place.

You be going to do something important.

"Let me go check on the kids." Gloom gloom!

"Naw, fuck it, let me--

"Let me catch just the first two minutes

"because if I don't, I'mma be lost

for the whole fucking episode."

[laughter]

I don't know why we watch this show right now.

These are televised rapes that we are watching

every fucking week, and we tune in

like the story gonna be new.

Don't none of us in here write for "Law & Orders."

but we all could write for "Law & Orders."

The story is the fucking same every week.

It's always the beautiful white woman,

and she does something in the neighborhood

in the ghetto, like help

young Negro children get they GED.

Or, you know, she work at a at-risk youth center,

or she's a substance abuse counselor

or something like that, and she always got a beautiful

white woman name like Ms. Foster.

[laughter]

And Ms. Foster always-- last day of school,

and she preaching to the kids, she be like,

"Hey, when you go out this summer,

"don't forget what we worked on this year.

"I want everybody to maintain

"their summer reading list and

"remember, seize the day,

"seize your life! Yeah."

And the bell ring and she high-five

and dap everybody on the way out and shit, and she's an ally.

She's the one we need in the community.

Then they show Ms. Foster breaking down her classroom,

and then, she get off in her little

fuel-efficient Prius and shit.

Then she drop one of them

little average Negroes off in the Projects,

and she just be pouring into his spirit.

She be sitting in the car like,

"Hey, I believe in you, Don'Trevion."

[laughter]

And he like, "For real, Ms. Foster, ma'am?"

She like, "Hey, man, me and you. All right?

"Now you get out there. Hey, seize the day.

"Seize your life, huh?

"Put it there, all right? Get out of here, man."

[laughter]

Then Don'Trevion get out the car

and disappear into the fog.

It's always foggy in the Projects, for some reason.

It's just the fog of poverty.

It's just--it's just-- it's just overcast

with oppression over there

in the low-income Project unit that he live in.

He just disappear, and she skirt off and shit,

and she go home

and throw her little keys in a bowl,

and scratch the cat on the head.

Put on a little workout outfit,

and go to Zumba and shit

then work out for a little bit,

Come back to the house,

slip on a little sexy cocktail dress.

She never take a bath.

They never show her ass taking a bath.

She just jump her musty ass right off in a dress.

Feed the cat, and go pub crawl for a little bit.

They show Ms. Foster at one bar,

then another bar. She having a good time.

She mingling and shit, and then,

for some reason, 12:49 at night,

Ms. Foster ass the only ass in the parking lot,

by her damn self, head down in her phone.

Her heels be loud as shit

on the concrete parking lot pavement floor,

and she just [imitates clopping heels]

And she just all in her phone, and we all say to ourselves,

"They finna kill the shit out of Ms. Foster.

"Oh, Ms. Foster ass finna get it."

They never show Ms. Foster getting snatched

and raped and murdered, no.

- Cut to--

--next morning, another white woman,

jogging in the woods, run right past Ms. Foster ass

and she wrapped up in plastic and shit

with one of her panties on backwards

and got a work boot on one foot and shit.

And we all got to figure out who the Work Boot Rapist is

for the rest of the episode, and I made that shit up,

but y'all sitting there like, "Damn, that's a good one.

"I ain't seen that one.

"That sound good as hell, the Work Boot Rapist?

"Shit, let me go DVR that."

[applause]

You know, being an entertainer gives you an excuse

to barely be there, be a Santa Claus dad,

only show up on birthdays and major holidays,

drop a whole lot of money on them,

and be that person.

But if you really wanna be a father,

you got to be way more active than that.

And this grind require so much of you

that you can't be as active as a parent as you would like.

So then the time that you get with them is very precious.

- [laughter] - RON: Hey, man, listen,

before I get out of here,

make some noise for EPIX though, man.

Make some noise for them right now.

Make some noise for them, people.

Clap up for 'em. Clap it up for 'em.

It's been so long telling jokes

in front of real people, man. I appreciate y'all.

I wanna dedicate this show to a couple of people,

number one to the late great Dick Gregory.

Rest in peace. Bye-bye, always and forever.

[cheers and applause]

To my number one fan, who is no longer living with us,

my cousin, Paula Boyd. I know wherever she is,

she is looking down on me and she is watching this.

Represent.

And I hope by the time this airs--

where's my camera?

One, two, three, four,

I hope by the time this airs,

they'll have arrested the killers of Breonna Taylor.

[cheers and applause]

♪

This year, with the shutdown and everything,

it was four months in a row

that I didn't get to see my daughter.

And then, I got to see her, and actually

spend some time with her for Father's Day weekend.

MAN: Keep it going for Blaq Ron!

And when she came out the door,

and she's taller, and she hugging you

just as hard as you hugging her,

and you understand what it is you're doing this for,

and who you're doing this for.

[cheers and applause]

♪