All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e08_English

[clears throat]

Uh, she took me out
to pancakes one morning.

And when we're leaving,

I remember we stopped
at a railroad track crossing.

Like, how hacky is that?

♪

She stops the car,
and she looks at me.

She goes, "How would you feel

"if I move to Tennessee
for a while?"

And I knew what she meant.

And I remember thinking,
"If I tell you to stay,

"you're gonna be miserable,
and you're gonna stay

"'cause I told you to stay."

So, I said, "You should go,"
you know.

And me and my dad, never--
he--to his credit,

he never said
one bad word about her.

Not one.

But I never told myself
that I was mad

that she left at all.
I was like,

"I'm already basically a man.

"I'm 13.

"I've got seven pubic hairs.

"I'm fine."

And, uh, you know,

then became a raging alcoholic
for a few years

and the whole thing.

♪

I didn't mean
to connect these things,

but that's what this ther--
is this therapy, right?

Oh, wow.
This is awesome.

Feel free to reach anywhere,
I really don't care.

[laughs]

When I picture childhood,

I don't see adults there.

I mean,
when the only adults there

are drunk most of the time,

you have no supervision,

which in a way is fun,

but we were, like,
straight up "Lord of the Flies".

It did not feel safe,
by the way.

I'm shocked none of us died.

Is everybody else
being funny in these?

[laughs]

How much did I drink?
I never drank during the day

'cause that's an alcoholic.

And then, I would drink, um,

until I couldn't, every night.

Man, there's a lot

that I realized
I don't tell people.

♪

[laughter]

[applause]

MAN: Guys,
we're gonna start the show,

and, uh,
you guys seemed pumped.

Are you guys ready
to keep the show going?

[cheers and applause]

Hey, I'm Amy Miller,

and I'm from
Oakland, California.

I think sometimes people
are surprised that

the Bay Area
has hillbillies,

but we sure do. [laughs]

MAN:
Welcome to the stage

the very funny
Amy Miller, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

♪

Hi. Oh, my God.

Thanks for clapping
for so long.

That was so nice of you.

It's so nice of you guys
to be here.

What's wrong with you?
[laughter]

I'm so happy to be out
of the house right now, guys.

Oh.

And I have, uh,
a little guy back home

who's been doing this
with a little one.

Perfect.

[laughter]

No, that's perfect.
I'm not a mother.

I just have
a very young boyfriend.

[laughter]

And he's driving me nuts.

Thank you, creeps.

Uh...

[laughter]

Since I was the youngest,
and it was, like,

really loud a lot of the time,

and I was a very shy kid,

I just had to land

when I got a moment,
you know what I mean?

So, I wouldn't talk a lot,
but when I did,

once I noticed
if I said something insane,

that people would laugh,

then I would always, like,

try to take my shot
at the right time.

I don't have kids as I said,
uh, which is crazy.

It turns out, they'll just
give anybody this haircut.

- Can you believe that?
- [laughter]

[laughs] I don't have kids
by choice, uh,

but not for this reason.
Like, I have girlfriends,

who are like,
"I don't want kids

"'cause I wanna travel."
[laughs]

Or, you know, 'cause
the Earth is dying

or there's a pandemic.
Stupid shit like that.

[laughter]

I don't have kids
for different reasons.

I don't have kids because
they come out of your body,

and turn into people.

[laughter]

Have y'all seen people today?

[laughter]

How many did you see

and how many were you like,
"That's a good one"?

[laughter]

I don't understand
how people have kids.

I like being an aunt.

That's my shit.
Are there aunts in here?

- [applause]
- That's so fun.

It's not the same.

I wouldn't say it's the same.
I'm not crazy.

Being an aunt is great
because it's different.

'Cause I'm always like,
"I would kill for these kids."

And then, I'm like,

"Oops, this got
a little bit hard.

"Here's your kid back." Um...

[laughter]

See y'all in eight weeks.

[laughter]

Um, I have a 6-year-old niece,

and every time I go home
to visit,

she makes a point of telling me

that she's still not sure
if I'm a grown up or a kid.

[laughter]

I asked her why,
and she was like,

"Well, you definitely
"look like a grown up."

All right.
A little bit cunty.

Not the answer
I was looking for. Um...

[laughter]

She goes, "You definitely
look like a grown up,

"but you're just not, like,
awake in the morning

"when grown-ups are awake."

[laughter]

I was like,
"If I'm not a grown up,

"why'd they let me have

"all those adult beverages
last night,

- "you little bitch?"
- [laughter]

"Get out of my room."
[laughs]

"No, I know it's your room,

"but I'm staying here
for a few weeks."

- Um...
- [laughter]

Trying to get back on my feet.

My parents were alcoholics.
Yeah. Yeah.

My mom is sober now,
um, but, yeah,

it was, like,
they worked super hard, too.

So, after work,
they would go to the bar,

and often not come home.

A lot of the time I wouldn't
really have gotten to school

or gotten my hair braided
or anything

without my sisters doing it.

And my brother taught me
how to ride a bike.

He taught me how to do math.

You know, no--I don't remember
having a bedtime,

like, even as a baby, you know.

It was like, I could stay up
all night, and I did.

[laughs]

If you're putting photos

of your newborn baby
on Instagram,

thank you so much.

I will always like them.

But I do have a couple of notes.

- Um...
- [laughter]

Do you guys feel,
like, some people are

putting their newborns
on Instagram

before they're
all the way...cooked?

- [laughs]
- [laughter]

Good, you've seen
these crusty fucking babies?

[laughter]

Just going online.

One eye open,
they're all gummed up.

They're, like, wet,
but dry at the same time.

- How did they...
- [laughter]

They're all wearing that
same poser beanie, you know?

You're like,
"Get a new hat, bro.

"We've all seen this one."

Um, I think
if your baby announcement

looks like
a Christian right billboard,

you should wait,
probably, a couple--

[laughter]

--more--yes.

That baby looks
like it could be on a poster

in the Alabama
governor's office.

You just need to let it--

let it sit
a little bit longer...

before we have to
fucking look at it.

- [laughs]
- [laughter]

So, my parents
were not religious,

but there was a church
on the end of our block.

So, they brought their van
around, you know.

They tried to recruit
in the neighborhood.

Strange man in a van:

"I'll take your kids
to church on Sunday,

"if you want,
and I'll drop them back off."

And my dad's like, "Tight,

"'cause that is when
football is on.

"So, take those little
shits to church.

"I don't care
what you teach them."

But it was, uh, like,

fire and brimstone

Bible-thumping Baptist church.

And one sister and I
took to it hard.

Now, all of a sudden,
you have, like,

a 5- and 7-year-old back
at the house,

being like, "I learned
you were going to hell."

So, that's what they're
teaching us down the street.

And we would, like,
try to save our parents.

[laughs]

I love doing this job.

It's an interesting job to do,

uh, as a lady.

Comedy is interesting
to do as a lady.

We get a lot of cool feedback.

[laughter]

Um, this is my favorite
feedback I ever got.

One time I'm talking to this,
like, younger dude comic, right?

And he's like, "Yeah.
But don't you feel weird though,

"trying to make it
when there's already

"a famous comedian named Amy?"

And I was like,
"I don't know, Dave.

"Do you feel weird?"

[laughter]

"I don't know, Mitch.

"I don't know,
Bill, Robert, Bob,

"Bobby, John with an H,
Jon with no H,

"Richard, Richie,
Ricky, Dickie, Dick,

"Gregory, Dick Gregory,
Greg, Craig,

"Adam, Josh, Ron, Jimmy, Jim,

"James, do you guys feel weird?"

[cheers and applause]

I don't know, Carrot.

Do you feel weird?

[laughter]

Like an idiot.

The first party
I ever went to,

my dad ended up
having to pick me up

at 4:00 in the morning because

I shit my sleeping bag.

[interviewer laughs]

Uh, I, like,
woke up at some point,

and I was just flipping around

inside the bag
in my own shit.

And so, I had to, like,
slither out

and walk down the hallway

to my friend's parents' room,

and knock on the door,
and be like,

"Huge understatement:
I think I pooped."

[interviewer laughs]

But I'm covered in diarrhea.

And they were like,
"Jesus Christ,"

or what, you know,

whatever Christians would say,
like, "Wow."

And then, my dad
had to come get me,

and to put me in his truck,

he covered me in
a garbage bag,

took me home,
middle of the night,

hosed me down on the lawn.

And this was my first ever,
like, social outing,

so I was so embarrassed,
and he was embarrassed.

And then,
so my second party ever,

he drops me off,
and I'm like,

"We're doing it, Dad.

"No one's shitting tonight.

"I'm gonna be cool.

"I'm gonna play
with other kids."

And everything went great.

But then in the morning,
my aunt picked me up,

and I was like,
"What are you doing here?"

Because I was ready
to be like, "We did it, Dad."

And, uh, he didn't pick me up

because while I was
at the party,

he fucking died.

[laughter]

And then, in my head, I'm like,

"This is 'cause I shit.

"I know it's my fault."

Yeah.

You guys, we're having fun.

This is a beautiful night.

- Yeah.
- Yes?

[cheers and applause]

You're awesome.

This is a good time.

So, let's talk about cancer.

- [laughter]
- Um...

[laughs] I'm a fun comic.

Um, here's my thing with cancer.

I don't wanna get it.

Uh, it runs in my family,

and I think about it a lot,

and I read a lot about it.

And, uh, there's all this stuff

we're supposed to do
to avoid cancer, right?

Like, you can't smoke,
you got to wear sunscreen,

you can't go down on
Catherine Zeta-Jones,

- apparently.
- [laughter]

According to her husband,
Michael Douglas.

- Does anyone remember this?
- WOMAN: Yeah.

The actor Michael Douglas

was diagnosed
with gnarly throat cancer.

And someone asked him
in an interview

how he thinks he got it,

and he was like, "Yeah.

"This is just from
eating women out."

And we were, like, "Tight."

[laughter]

This all checks out.

So, I don't know.

Be careful, gentlemen.

Not too careful,
you know what I mean?

[laughter]

I'm sorry. Again,
just inappropriate.

I, uh--I really don't
wanna get cancer,

and because I read
so much about it,

I'm really alarmed
that no one is looking into

how come only nice people
get cancer.

This part's always quiet.

[quiet laughter]

'Cause this is where
we all sort of, like,

take inventory of the loved ones
we've lost to cancer,

and realize it was all
the best fucking people.

And every miserable
piece of shit in our family

is doing great. [laughs]

And we go to like,
weddings and family gatherings,

and someone's like,
"Oh, a toast to Susan

"who we lost to cancer."

And you're like, "Cheers.
Should've been you, Jim."

- [laughter]
- But...

it's never the right people,

and I'm the only one
looking into it.

And I say it, like,
if you're here,

and you have cancer,
or you're a cancer survivor,

I'm so sorry that
this has happened to you,

but also, congrats,
you're a good fucking person.

- Uh...
- [applause]

The night that my dad died,

also, we didn't know
where my mom was.

So, she went out
and just didn't come home.

And then, um,
he had a heart attack,

and in true
Miller family fashion,

he tried to drive himself
to the hospital.

Like, he was like,
"I got it," you know.

So he ended up

crashing his truck
on the way to the hospital.

Maybe he died before,
maybe he died after,

we're not sure.
But, uh,

he fucked up
a telephone pole

a couple blocks away
from our house,

and we had to drive by

- that shit every day.
- MAN: Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

Why are we laughing? What's--

MAN: 'Cause
we're fucked-up people.

What's wrong with us?

Listen, I know I shouldn't be
able to decide who gets cancer.

I'm not a god.

But I'm gonna try right now.

[laughter]

'Cause who are
the worst people,

you know what I mean?
Like, uh,

probably, like,
people who touch kids,

people who commit
sexual assault,

they're really bad.

Those stories
never end that way.

They're--it's never like,
"Oh, my abuser

"got a quick
and painful cancer."

It's always like, "Oh, yeah.

"My abuser died
of old age in jail,"

or "They sent him
to a different Catholic church."

- Um...
- [laughter]

Or "He's the president now."

[laughter]

It's never the right people.

It's so unfair.

And I don't, you know--
I don't wanna get it,

so I'm just trying to do,

like, little evil things

to try to stay healthy.

[laughter]

I don't wanna be
all the way evil,

you know what I mean?
Like, I don't wanna touch kids,

aside from my boyfriend,
but I...

[laughter]

I just use small evil things
to stave off cancer.

Like, I, uh, don't use
my turn signal anymore.

[laughter]

People get so mad
on the highway,

and I'm like,
"Take that, lymphoma."

[laughter]

[laughs] Little evil things.

Like, I know--okay.

So, if I'm gonna travel,

I know I'm gonna fly, um,

two days before a flight,

I will make
a homemade tuna sandwich,

and just eat that
right in the sky.

[laughter]

Yeah. You don't like it,

but I'm gonna
fucking live forever.

[laughter]

It doesn't make any sense.
It's not fair.

I don't know why
only nice people get cancer.

Fucking Alex Trebek
has cancer.

We didn't--why are you clapping
for that, ma'am?

- [laughter]
- That is very dark.

She's like,
"Fuck Alex Trebek."

[laughter]

You're clapping because you
also think it's an injustice.

Yes. And you love "Jeopardy!".

[laughter]

The nicest Beastie Boy, dead.

Cancer. Okay.
That's fucked up.

Yeah. The mean one,
he's doing fine.

- Ad-Rock's okay.
- [laughter]

Also Kid Rock, very healthy.

Total piece of shit,
never uses sunscreen.

[laughter]

When my dad died,
the Christian shit

added a whole weird layer

and then our youth pastor
came around

to remind us,

if you're wondering
if he is in hell,

- he sure is.
- MAN: No.

Because he did not get saved
under the wire.

That's a lot for a little girl.

And I would tell myself,
"You don't know that

"he wasn't saved
because what if he prayed

"in the truck
like at the final minute?"

You know what I mean?
Before he hit that pole.

But that guy... [laughs]

he's in prison
for child molestation.

- [laughs]
- MAN: Come on.

So, you know,

I think he was wrong. [laughs]

MAN: Guess who's in hell now?

Yeah. Yeah, he is in hell.

He's in a prison in Oklahoma
during a pandemic, so...

Oh, I have to pee.

Okay. Um...

[laughter]

I just went.

I have to pee kind of
a lot.

Like, okay, a lot of fat girls
have tiny bladders.

It's really crowded in here,
you know what I mean?

Like, we're using up
all of the space.

It's the same reason
we have such tight pussies.

- Um...
- [cheers and applause]

You know, sir.
Not--you're very thin,

but, you know,
in his past, maybe.

Maybe your future,
I don't know.

- Um...
- [laughter]

[laughs] I pee so much,

and I'm very picky
about bathrooms, okay?

Many of us are, especially now.

Um, but I hate nothing more

than when bathroom doors

try to make a little joke.

Have you ever been
in a themed bar,

looking for your bathroom,

and you walk up to the doors,
and you're like,

"Honestly, I don't know
if I'm a doe or a buck.

"I'm fucking drunk, okay?"

[laughter]

I'm not a hunter or a zoologist,

so if you could just tell me

which door to go through,
that'd be nice.

I have an idea for
inclusive bathroom doors, okay?

What if, like, the outside
of every bathroom door

just had like
a full-length mirror?

How cute is that?

And you walk up, and it's like,

"Hey, there you are,
get in here.

"Come on.
This is for you, bud."

[laughs]

Plus the mirror system will
keep out the extremely tall.

Now, I don't support

discrimination
against any group,

except for the extremely tall.

I just think, like,
if you're a dude in a bar,

and you're over 6'5",

you should have to pee
in the street

like the freak that you are.

[laughter]

You walk up to that mirror

and you can't see
your own goddamn head?

Get the fuck out
of here, okay?

You Frankenstein
piece of shit.

Technically,
Frankenstein's monster,

if you're annoying.

Um...

I don't--some tall men

have not loved that joke.

It's fine,
you don't have to worry.

I--like, I love tall guys,
I love short guys,

I love all kinds of guys.

I used to be a whore, okay?

But I always find it
interesting

when I have straight
lady friends that are, like,

"Well, I just want a tall guy
so I can feel safe."

If you wanna feel truly,
truly safe,

get yourself a short dude.
They're fucking crazy, okay?

[laughter, applause]

Yes.

Short dudes are so hot,
they're always ready to fight,

and they all fuck
like they have been molested.

- [laughter]
- It is such a gift.

If you know, you know.

Also, tall guy sex
is, like, very unwieldy,

you know what I mean?

There's fucking
limbs everywhere.

You're like,
"Find a place for your body."

And just slamming your face
into a sternum over and over.

You're like, "I would kiss you,
but you're so far away."

And you cannot have a bedframe
with these freaks.

I didn't know that, okay?

Years ago, I was dating a man

who was 6'8". Disgusting.

And I had a bedframe.

I didn't know I couldn't.

I have like a--
one of those nice,

like, wrought iron bedframes,

you know, with the bars.

And at some point,

I get up
in the middle of the night,

and I look back at him,

and he's naked,

two arms out the top bars,

two feet out the bottom bars.

It looked like,
in the middle of the night,

I was planning to barbecue him.

[laughter]

Short guy sex,
on the other hand,

very romantic, okay?
A lot of eye contact.

That little dude's
right here, okay?

We're doing a perfect 69
every time.

Also, they're compact,

so they can do it anywhere,
you know what I mean?

Like, my boyfriend's 5'6"

and he can eat me out
while I'm driving,

m, and work the gas pedal.

"Gas pedal" is what
I call my clit. Okay.

What are we, telling jokes?

- This is fun.
- [laughter]

[laughs]

I like how you guys
have made an agreement

that you never clap
at the same time.

[laughter]

I like it.
Like, you're like,

"I'll go on Alex Trebek."

That guy went on me

being eaten out in the car.

So you got to find
your moment, okay?

[laughter]

My dad, who raised me, who died,

when I turned 30,
I found out,

he was not my real dad.

Finding out that he was not
my real dad

put everything in a new light.

I know more now about

why both of them drank,
and why they didn't get along.

I mean, we have so much
more information now.

But I never felt, like,

"Oh, this isn't my family."

Because of how we grew up, too,

like, my siblings and I
are, like,

war buddies,
so there was no--

like, nothing could have
broken that, you know?

Um, I am, uh,
a plus-size person.

I always, like--I don't know why

I always feel the need
to mention it,

uh, that I'm plus-size,
just in case

anyone is visiting
from the Midwest.

Anybody?

Okay. Very skinny there.

Um...

But in Los Angeles
where I live,

I'm fucking Mama June, okay?

I'm...

the largest woman
in Los Angeles.

[laughter]

And I have a pretty good time
with it.

I'm comfortable with myself.

But people would be like,
"Isn't it hard

"to be plus-size
in Hollywood?"

And I'm like,
"No, dude,

"this is the best place
to do it."

'Cause everything I do here
is very brave.

[laughter]

Yup. Some people are EMTs,

some people are firefighters.

Um, what I do is that
sometimes

I put on a bikini,

take a picture of it,

and then, put it on Instagram,

and people are,
like, "She's so brave.

"She's an American hero."

[scattered applause]

- Again...
- [laughter]

...thank you.

You heard them start clapping,

so you don't start

until two minutes later,
and then, do it on your own.

[laughter]

My Instagram
is just @AmyMillerComedy,

if you wanna see those
bikini photos.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

Oh, it's a lot of meat,
get your sauce ready,

that's all I'm saying.

Um, uh, I don't even know
what it means,

but I know that it's gross.

I am so brave to be fat in LA.

I think
I took it too far, though.

I took it too far.

Uh, I made a bold choice
this summer

to walk around LA, eating
an ice cream cone in public.

Can you imagine?

I walked by this homeless guy,

and he was, like,

"Hey, you really think
you need that ice cream?"

[laughter]

I know.

He goes, "You're already fat."

And I was like...

I was like,
"Do you know why, sir?"

And he is like, "Why?"

And I was like, "Oh, um,
'cause I've been eating food

"at my house."

[laughter]

I'm not proud of that, okay?

I don't feel good about it,

but I fucking got him.

[laughter]

Power structures
are complicated,

and he started it.

[laughter]

In college,
I was still Christian,

and I went to Berkeley,
and that's very hard to do,

to be a Christian at Berkeley.

I mean, I was going,
like, to People's Park

and trying to save
homeless drug addicts,

and, like,
they actually don't want,

um, a Bible.

They want food, shelter,

and drugs. [laughs]

It took me
a while to get out of it.

I had a lot of guilt,
you know.

But, basically,
I wanted to, like,

listen to good music

and have sex with my boyfriend.

Plus, that was around,

uh, the time
that the youth pastor guy

went to prison
for all the molestation,

who was the source
of so much of my guilt,

you know, because he would
always tell me,

like, what I was doing wrong,

and how to be
a better Christian.

Then, it just felt like
it was all bullshit, you know?

Like, that's who my mentor was?

- He was hiding all the secrets.

I don't wanna be
too controversial,

but I do have to put this
out there.

Um, I think
dog people are bullshit.

I also think cat people
are bullshit.

Did you guys know
that you can just love both?

They're so cute.

Do we ever have to fight
about this again?

"I'm a dog person"?

Go fuck yourself, okay?

It's 2020, people aren't
even straight anymore.

You don't have to choose
a household pet,

you fucking dork.

And I understand, like,
I have those friends

who will say, like,
"Well, I just don't like dogs

"personally because one
attacked me once."

And I'm like, "Okay.
Well, I still talk to men."

- Um--
- [laughter]

I let one ride in the car

and sleep in the bed,
it's crazy.

And then,
cat-hating people will be like,

"Well, I don't like cats

"because they just piss
wherever they want."

Again, I still talk to men.

It's fine.

You can just like both,
or neither.

Nobody gives a shit.

Dog people, you're fine.

Cat people, you're chill,

but I think that
we can all agree as a group

that bird people needs
serious fucking help.

[laughter]

Why are bird people like that?

And no comedian has
ever been, like,

"Are there any bird people
in the house?"

[laughter]

'Cause they're in the house.
They're at home.

[laughter]

They are always at home,

hanging out with their squeaky
little dinosaurs.

Bird people seem like
the kind of adults

that will go to a restaurant
and order a tall glass of milk,

and that's not okay with me.

And I am allowed to talk
a little bit of shit

about bird people because
my grandma was a bird lady.

Uh, she's also dead,

but, like, which part's sadder,
we're not sure.

- Um...
- [laughter]

My grandma had birds,

and she owned a dry cleaners
in the Bay Area.

These are the two things
you need to know.

And my grandma trained
one of her boy birds

to sit at the front
of her business,

and whistle at every girl

or woman
that came through the door.

And this bird fucking
lived for it.

And every lady
that came through the door,

he would whistle,
and he would go,

- "Hey, baby. Hey, baby."
- [laughter]

And then, my grandma

would run from the back
of the dry cleaners,

and be, like, "Uh-oh.
Someone's flirting with you."

And we were like, "Grandma!

"No one wants
to fuck your bird."

[laughter]

You guys have been so great.

My name is Amy Miller.

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

♪

Yeah, I do think
the church helped me a lot.

If my sister and I
had not been in the church,

we would be very different
people right now.

I mean, I would be like
a lot of the rest of my family.

I would probably have five kids,

and be on meth. [laughs]

We did it.

Kind of.

Thanks.

I'm Julian McCullough,
and I am--

well, I was born
in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

It's a long story.

My dad is from Philly
originally.

My mom is from rural Minnesota.

So my parents met
in Portland,

and then they were pregnant
two weeks later with me.

They moved back
to Philly to have me.

We went back to Portland.

We tried Pittsfield,
Massachusetts;

San Francisco;
Morristown, New Jersey,

yada, yada, yada.
It's a whole thing.

MAN: Your next comic, uh,
I've known him for a long time.

And you're really
gonna love him.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Julian McCullough.

[cheers and applause]

♪

Hello. Thank you, everybody.

Hi, how are you?

Hi, everybody.
This is so magical,

but also,
for a really bad reason.

Uh, so it's kind
of a weird feeling, right?

It's like, uh...
[clears throat]

when you finally hear
your dad say he's proud of you,

but it's 'cause
your mom's dying.

- [laughter]
- Uh...

We'll cut--we're not--
that's not the opener.

[laughter]

It is great to be here.

My name is Julian.

I'm named after
Julian "Cannonball" Adderley.

That's Miles Davis's
saxophone player.

[mild laughter, applause]

Yeah. Thank you.

And my dad, he loved jazz,

that's why he named me
after him.

But he didn't--he didn't
even love the jazz

that you can't stand.

He loved avant-garde jazz,

which you hate
even more than that.

That's the one that doesn't make
sense, you know what I mean?

Where it's just like...

[imitates random instruments]

[laughter]

And the drummer is playing
a different song.

[laughter]

We were broke,
mostly by choice.

My dad's real smart,

but he just was like,

ambition was not part of it.

He worked hard. He was like
the kind of guy that, like--

he was always the smartest guy
on the construction crew.

You know, like, that guy.

He was just, like,
smoking weed, blasting jazz,

and, like, painting.

And he went from being
a guy with, like, a bicycle

and a radio to a family
of four in, like, nine months.

- [laughter]
- It's crazy.

But I'm glad
he gave me a cool name,

you know what I mean?

Uh, I have a daughter

and she--
her classmates have names

that I'm just like,
I don't know.

I don't think--there should
be like a system,

uh, to stop people.

- Like, there's...
- [laughter]

There's a boy
in her class named Cash.

After Johnny Cash,
I think, not money.

But that would be cool

if you're just naming your kids

after what you traded in
to have kids.

[laughter]

You know, this is the boys,

Cash and Freedom,
and that's their sister, Sleep.

[laughter]

But the problem is
they're naming these kids

after tough dudes

and they're not
raising tough kids.

So it doesn't really make sense,
you know what I mean?

Like, you guys--you guys know
about Johnny Cash, right?

- MAN: Yeah.
- Yeah.

He never,
like, wore a helmet.

[laughter]

Like, no matter what,
you know what I mean?

Even when he was,
like, shooting amphetamines,

he wasn't like,
"Safety first."

You know?
He was, like, going for it.

Do you know
about the ostrich fight?

Does anybody know about this?

When Johnny Cash was older,

uh, he had an ostrich
on his property.

Relatable.

- [laughter]
- And...

You guys were like,
"Well, was it a rescue?"

- So...
- [laughter]

the ostrich was mad
for like a year,

because his, uh, ostrich wife
died the previous winter.

So he was, like,
ornery and mad.

And--aw, you don't know
what ostriches are really like.

[laughter]

You're like,
"I love all creatures."

So one day,
Johnny Cash is walking

through his, like,
uh, property, right?

And he knows
this ostrich is out there

and he's, like, mad.

So be brings a big stick
with him

in case he sees the ostrich,

which is another thing

that you should think about
before you name your kid Cash.

And so he's walking
in the property

and he sees the ostrich
ahead of him.

and Cash knows it's on,
you know what I mean?

The ostrich is like,
"You killed my wife."

And Johnny Cash doesn't know
how to be like,

"No, I didn't."

So instead he's like,
"Bring it."

And the ostrich charges him.

This is a hundred percent true,
it's in his book.

The ostrich charges him,

Johnny Cash takes a swing

with his beating stick,
he called it.

But ostriches,
I don't know if you know this,

are birds.

[laughter]

They are wily.

And they can kind of
a little bit fly.

- So...
- [laughter]

Have you ever seen
an ostrich's legs?

They're incredible.
Yeah, they're like a gymnast.

So this ostrich dodges
the swing, right?

It's Johnny Cash's first
ostrich fight,

so it's not his fault,
but I'm just--

Dodges it,
jumps in the air

with these huge--let's
call a spade a spade, sexy legs.

And comes down--

and have you ever seen
an ostrich claw?

Like the toe?
It's like this long.

It's--they're like--
they're dinosaurs.

They're monsters.
They're monsters.

Comes down on him

and, uh, opens
Johnny Cash's stomach

from the belly button
to his belt

and breaks two of his ribs
by kicking him.

Johnny Cash flies back,
lands on a rock,

breaks three more ribs.

Now he's got five broken ribs,

and an open stomach
from an ostrich fight

- that he knew might happen.
- [laughter]

And still was like,
"But I need a walk."

You know what I mean?
"I gotta take a walk."

[laughter]

So the ostrich is standing
over him, you know what I mean?

'Cause all the other farm
animals are like, "Finish him."

And, uh...

[laughter]

So Johnny Cash takes
all the strength he has left,

and he takes one more swing
from the ground,

and hits the ostrich in the leg,

and the ostrich is like,
"Aah!" And runs away.

He gets up...

bleeding,
crawls to his house,

finds some old pain meds,
and takes them.

He'd been sober
for, like, five years.

He relapsed
on an ostrich fight

and then did speed
for three more years

before getting sober again.

All I'm saying is...

you can't name your kid Cash,

and then when he trips
on the playground,

catch him before
he hits the ground

and be like,
"Go be tough."

Like, that isn't gonna happen.

What you need to do is put him
in an elevator

with an ostrich and a hammer,
and see who comes out.

[laughter]

[applause]

You know, thank you.

When this pandemic hit,

I was like,
"I get to quit stand-up."

And then, uh,
you guys just ruined it,

'cause that was really fun.

[laughter]

So I'm back, baby.

- [chuckles]
- [cheers and applause]

I would take the public city bus

all the way across
San Francisco

from the time
I was like seven until ten.

Um, just like,
"Good luck," you know?

Yeah, I would ride up by
the front to be near the driver.

I had my own bus--
I had a bus pass

and my house key
both tied to my shoelace

and wore it as a necklace.

I was like Neapolitan
ice cream

for a pedophile. [laughs]
I had all the--

all the parts you need
to make a great--

So once school was out,
I was, like, on my own.

So I miss diners.

I miss--I don't miss going out
with a bunch of friends

because then it's like,
you know, you gotta divide

the bill and, like, you know,
like, John is, uh, rich.

And you're like,
"Why are we even doing this?"

[laughter]

But I was in a diner recently

and, uh, I went to go
to the bathroom, right?

And the door to the bathroom,
not only was it not locked,

it was open a crack.

So I just swung the door open,

and my second
biggest fear happened.

Guy right there, 10 inches away,

taking a dump,
eye contact.

- Boom. Yeah.
- [audience groans]

I know.
I say my "second biggest fear"

'cause my first biggest fear
is obviously

being that guy.

That's the worst thing

that can happen to anybody.

So here's how we all react
as normal people

if someone walks in on us
in a public bathroom

because we forgot
to lock the door.

Ready? It's, uh,
"Somebody's in here!"

[laughter]

It's, like, sheer panic.

This guy,
not only did he not scream,

he looked me dead in the eye,

and he goes,
"Give me a minute, chief."

[laughter]

I didn't know you could do that.

I didn't know
you could be the confident one

in a confrontation
with a stranger

when your pants
are around your ankles.

I thought I was dreaming.

I was like,
"Am I completely naked?

"How are you in charge
right now?

"Your parents are
still together, aren't they?"

That's too much self-esteem
for one person.

I'm a child of divorce,
like a normal person.

That started
because when my mom left

when I was 13,
it was just me and my dad,

and we would eat literally,
like, five, six nights a week

at the new Golden Dawn Diner
in Mount Laurel.

He would take me to pool halls
late at night

and they would--they would let
him in--they would let me in--

no kids allowed,
but they knew my dad.

And also, it was so weird
for him to do that

that they were
like, okay, you know.

And I'd be in these smoky
pool halls, like,

playing pool with these guys

and they're like gambling
and stuff.

It was awesome.
So that part was cool.

You know,
when the world stopped,

I thought about
all of the people

that this thing affected,

stand-up would--
I was a touring stand-up.

That was how I made my living,

and it was just gone
in a day, right?

It's the last
thing that you can do.

And then I was like,
you know what?

No matter how bad things are,

there's always somebody
who has a harder time.

And I was thinking about it.

Like, the exotic dancing
industry

is the only thing that's,
like, crowds

and performance, which is bad,

and then also intimate,
you know what I mean?

So I felt really bad for them

'cause the last thing
I went to

before it all hit

was an exotic dance club.

And I had a great time,

so I was thinking about them.

[laughter]

Because they're also heroes,
you know what I mean?

Well, maybe you're confused.

Uh, I'm talking
about Chippendales.

I was at the Chippendales

in Las Vegas,
if that makes a difference.

And they are heroes,
because they're entertaining

the heroes that we have
in this country

like teachers
from Minnesota and stuff

that wanna fly

and see wieners safely,

uh, in Las Vegas.

Basically, what happened was

I was on my last gig
that I was allowed to do,

I was in Vegas,
and they invited,

uh, all the comics to
go see the Chippendales show.

And I said yes

because it was
an $85 ticket normally.

And anything that is worth $85
that I'm getting for free,

I'm like, you know,
bring 'em on.

Like, I appreciate beauty
in all its forms.

[laughter]

I didn't know
what to expect, all right?

I'd never been to one.

I mean, I had an idea
about what to expect on stage.

I had no idea what to expect
in the crowd.

I thought
it would be like half women,

half gay men, you know?

And it would just be like a mix.

I was wrong.
I walk in.

It was 400 women

and Julian McCullough.

That was the entire crowd.

[laughter]

I'm Julian McCullough,
if you already forgot.

[laughter]

A lot of you are like,

"Why do we care
if a Latin singer was there?"

Uh, who's--

Literally,
I'm the only guy.

It was crazy.

And these women were dressed up

to go to this show.

So it was just like a sea

of, like, Bumpits
and chardonnay,

and, uh, tight dresses.

They looked--they looked great.

Uh, it's--they smelled great.

They were out to have fun
and I was the only one there.

So right before the show starts,

the lights go out,
so it's pitch black in the room.

So now I'm in a pitch black room
full of 400 women.

I'm smelling the perfume.
The music is loud.

I get so excited,
I forget

I'm not gonna like this.

[laughter]

I was like, "Oh, man!"
You know?

"I forgot why I'm here,
but I bet it's great!"

[laughter]

And then the lights came on,
and it turns out,

uh, I was right.
Uh, I didn't like it.

I lovedit.

Ten of the hottest dudes

you've ever seen in your life

came running out on stage
at the same time.

They were so hot

that me
and the woman next to me

who didn't know each other--

I later found
out her name's Tammy,

she was from Minnesota,
she was awesome.

We didn't know each other.

We instinctively grabbed
each other's hands

and started screaming
at the stage.

[laughter]

We were like [screams].

And the dude was like,

[announcer voice] "Please
welcome your Chippendales!"

And we were like,
"Oh, my God!"

Like we... lost it.

One of them looked at me,

'cause he was like,
"What are you doing here?"

[laughter]

And she was like,
"He looked at you!"

And I was like, "Oh, my God!"
We were freaking out.

I'm like,
"That one's mine now!"

[laughter]

It was... [scoffs]
who knows?

Mainly because I wasn't like
an alpha guy, you know?

I was, like, sensitive
or whatever.

I just got picked on that way.

So, you have to, like,
impress him

if you wanna stop
getting beat up and stuff.

And I remember,
uh, once we started,

like, drinking and stuff,
I was the--

I was, like, "I'll be--
I'll be the funny one."

So I got that.

And then I'll also be
the brave one,

as long as we're not fighting.

Uh, 'cause I'll go limp.

So I-- [laughs]

So I was funny and then we--
the--to get booze,

we would drive around Morristown

looking for open garages

and then you jump out,
run into somebody's garage,

and raid their fridge,

run it back out to the car
and, you know,

then you would
charge five bucks at parties

for the--whatever you hauled.

We came up with
a special word for it.

Garaging.

It was incredible.

And they have your type
no matter what you're into.

That's the point
of Chippendales, right?

It's everybody's fantasy,

so they gotta get you covered.

They have everybody.

Sir, what's your type?

[laughter]

MAN: I don't know.

You don't know?

Mine--mine was women,

- uh...
- [laughter]

...before I went
to the Chippendales show.

And now,
they're, like, still up there,

you know what I mean?

Well, it was women and Prince.

I don't know if anybody else
had that problem

where you were
definitely straight

but also Prince videos came on

and you were like,
"Uh, I like this feeling

"but I'm not
gonna talk about it."

[laughter]

So they run out,

they have your type
no matter what.

They had, uh,

like the first guy
was all-American boy.

Blond hair,
blue-eyed, perfect jaw,

uh, you know, looked
like he grew up on a farm.

Loved his mom and dad
and worked--

like Superman,
you know what I mean?

Number two, right next to him,

uh, opposite, right?

Liar-face guy.

You know those guys

that they're just
shady-looking?

I don't know if it's, you know,
the eyebrows or what,

but they just--they look
like they're lying to you.

A lot of women like that.
It's mystery, you know?

They're like, "Oh,
I'm gonna check his phone

"when he's in the shower,
and I'm gonna get him."

You know?
They live for that stuff.

Those women don't want
all-American boy,

'cause you check his phone
and it's just like,

"Miss you, Mama."
And they're like, "Ugh."

[laughter]
- So...

So, they got all-American boy,
they got liar-face guy.

They, uh--
what else do they have?

Oh, they had a Black guy. One.

I don't know what they do
if he gets sick.

Then they had--

they had a little guy.
They had a little guy!

I didn't even know little guys
were, like, a fantasy.

But apparently,
a lot of women are like,

"I can dress him up."

[laughter]

My point is,
they got everybody.

And, uh,
it goes on for a little while.

They have, uh, like, props.

They're--it's--they're showing
you all the different things

they can hump to kind of
show you their repertoire,

you know what I mean?
So, like, there's a chair.

One guy just humps a chair
but it's like good, you know.

And then they--
one guy did a motorcycle.

He humped a motorcycle.
Can you believe that?

That's exciting.

It's hard to make
that look good, but he did.

Like, sir, what would be
your, um, strategy?

If you had to--
if you had to air hump

a motorcycle to entertain
400 women and me,

what would be your approach
to humping that motorcycle?

I'm not moving on this time.
Like, you--

I wanna know.

[laughter]

- MAN: Sit on it.
- JULIAN: Sit on it?

Like you're riding
a motorcycle? Okay.

Lucky lady.

[laughter, applause]

I'm not trying to be mean.

That is literally
the worst answer I've gotten.

The best answer I ever got,
I've been asking this question

all over the country,
and my favorite answer,

there was a guy
in the front row one time.

He looked like Wilford Brimley,
like the most perfect grandpa

you ever saw
in your life, right?

He was adorable.
And I go, "Sir--"

I'm just messing with him.
I go, "Sir,

"how would you hump
a motorcycle on stage?"

And he goes,

"I'd sneak up on it."

[laughter]

He answered so--
it was like he already knew.

I got a job at the
Stress Factory Comedy Club.

And I was a door guy
and I was a bus boy

and I would seat the room

but I was in the life
of stand-up comedy finally.

That's when I started, like,

drinking where if my roommates
were drinking or not,

it didn't matter.
I was drinking.

And I would drink
like six nights a week.

Seven if my body could do it.

But usually it takes
its own Sunday, you know.

When you're an alcoholic,
your stomach goes through cycles

of which liquor it can take,
you know what I mean?

So I would--
I used to run the gamut.

Like, for six weeks,
I'd only drink Sambuca shots.

And then my stomach
would reject that

then I'd have to move on to
tequila and then it would move--

it wasn't even up to me,
to be honest.

Like, people would be like,
"Would you like some Scotch?"

And I'm like, "I can't.
And it's not--no offense but,

"you know,
Scotch was February."

- [man laughing]
- So...

So I missed
my college roommate's wedding

because I just couldn't
not drink.

And that was when I was like--

and the girl I was seeing goes,
"Oh, I didn't know

"you were that kind of drunk."

And I'll never forget
that sentence.

So then I went to AA

and bawled my eyes out
few times,

got sober for four years
then off and on.

And now I'm sober again
and never going back.

I'm, like, good.

Then the lights go out again
after like 20 minutes,

and me and Tammy are like,
"This better not be over."

Like, we're not done with this.

But we can see that one
of the dancers is coming back

onto the stage

and he's wheeling
a prop, right?

So out--it's pitch--
you can barely see,

but he's pushing it like this

and it's got
a big black cover over it.

And he had
a little bit of a ponytail,

which was the guy who saw me
and made eye contact.

And Tammy was like,
"It's your guy!"

And I was like,
"I know, I know!"

[laughter]

So he wheels it to the front.

We don't know what it is.
Can't figure it out.

We're straining our eyes,
you know.

He--we see him turn around
like this.

The lights come on,

and he is...

completely naked.

Yeah.
And we were not ready

- for that, at all.
- [laughter]

We thought this was like
a family strip show,

but it was not
like that anymore,

and we were fine with it.

The screaming
at this point was so loud,

I couldn't
even hear myself think.

It was incredible, right?
The energy was insane.

So, right when you think
it can't get any louder,

he reaches up,

pulls the cover off the prop

and it is a...

shower!

- Yeah. A real shower.
- [laughter]

And...

it was the first
heterosexual thought

I had of the night
because I was like,

"Where's the plumbing?"

[laughter]

"You just wheeled that out
and now you're gonna have water?

"I don't think so," right?
And Tammy was like,

"Shut up.
It's a magic shower."

And I'm like,
"You're right."

[laughter]

So he pulls a chain, right?

And I think, like,
glitter is gonna come out

or something like that.

He pulls that chain,

hot water comes
pouring out of this thing,

steam rising off it,
good pressure.

I'm like, "How are they
getting good pressure?

"I have an apartment, I don't
have pressure like this."

No wonder it's $85
to get into this thing.

So he pulls it.

Now he's glistening wet
and we're going nuts, right?

Then he takes out
a loofah sponge

full of white soap suds, right?

And he looks back at us like,
"I don't know, ladies.

"Should I?"

By the way,
this is what I realized.

This guy's
actually going to take

an actual shower on stage.

And then I realized he does
this show seven nights a week.

This is just his shower,
you know what I mean?

Like, the guy's got to shower.
He's very busy.

So he's like,
"I don't know, should I?"

And the feeling
in the room was literally no.

Do not get that soap
on your body.

You don't have
the insurance to cover

when 400 vaginas explode
at the exact same time.

But he doesn't listen,
'cause he's hot

and they don't listen.

So he takes it,
squirts it over his head.

Now white soap suds

are going down the middle
of his beautiful back,

right down the middle.
You know why?

'Cause his back
is all puffy and big

on the outside parts
and goes in on the spine

'cause he had muscles
in his back.

Did you even know
you could do that, sir?

I had no idea
you could do that.

If you put soap down
our backs, it just goes

[imitates cascading]
all the way.

This was--it was like
the Colorado River from a plane.

It was beautiful.

So now I'm, like,
watching these soap suds

and I'm riveted.
I cannot take my eyes off,

'cause there--
it's a story at this point

- and I wanna see how it ends.
- [laughter]

It gets down--you're not gonna
believe where they go.

Butt city, baby.

So they go right down
in his butt crack

and at this point,

I'm a 40-year-old straight man

who's screaming so loud

at another man's soapy butt
that I lose my voice.

[laughter]

And it starts dripping
between his legs, right?

And now I'm looking at the--
just for the soap.

And I look between his legs

and I see between the drips
and I'm like,

"Oh, no."

[laughter]

You could see it.

Yeah.

From the back.

Yeah. From the back.

His wiener, sir.
You could see...

[laughter]

...from the back.

Do you have any idea

how big

a wiener's got to get

before you can see it
from the back?

I do.
I'll tell you exactly how big.

Unnecessary.
That is how big that is.

So in 2011,

I moved to LA.

And things are a little
not great with my mom,

but they're not--I'm not,
like, angry like I was

and we'd talked
about it and stuff.

She found out that I was,
like, sober and stuff

and we got really close then.

And then,
she tells me she is sick.

Pancreatic cancer,

which is now made famous
by Alex Trebek.

My dad hears that she's sick.

And he calls her and says

"Would you like some help?"
And she says okay.

So he packed up his stuff,

quit his job.
He was a grounds crew

at a golf course.

Smoking weed on a tractor.

Smartest guy on the crew,
you know?

And drove in his Volkswagen

across the country
to Grass Valley

and moved in with my mom.

So they didn't talk

or see each other
for roughly 18 years

or something like that.

They didn't, like,
fall in love again.

It's not that kind of story.

That's--that's the movies.

But, um...he stayed.

My dad commits.
Like,

when he stuck with me
after she didn't,

you know what I mean?
That's the kind of guy he is.

When it was over,
the lights came on,

and the guy
that invited us to the show,

the choreographer
of Chippendales,

came over to me and he goes,

"Hey, man.
Did you like the show?"

And I go,
[hoarse voice] "Yes."

[laughter]

And he was like,
"Awesome.

"I told some of the guys
you were funny.

"They're gonna come
to your show tomorrow night."

And I was like,
"Oh, my God."

- And they did.
- [laughter]

Like five Chippendales showed up
at my show the next night.

I tell that whole story
just like you saw it

'cause it was all
I wanted to talk about.

They love it, right?

After the show,
they wanna meet me.

So they come to the green room.

These dudes are, like, huge
with the muscles and the beauty.

And the other comics are like,
"Who the fuck are these guys?"

And I'm like--

I'm like, "Don't touch them.
They're mine.

"And you don't need
to introduce yourself.

"Come on, guys."
And we--

[laughter]

So then they go,
"Hey, Julian, that was so funny.

"We heard you liked our show.
Do you wanna see it again?"

And I was like, "Yeah."

So I text my lady,
who was with me,

but didn't come
the night before.

I go, "Do you wanna go
to Chippendales?"

and she was like, "Yeah."

So she comes down,
we go to Chippendales.

It's awesome.
Her vagina explodes.

It's perfect, right?
We have a great time.

And I don't get jealous
about stuff like that, right?

I don't care who inflates
the tires as long as

I'm riding the bike,
you know what I'm saying?

So...

[laughter]

So we have a great time.

And the next night,

the word is out
in Chippendales

that I'm doing
a show about them.

So, more show up.
So yeah, the third night,

there's like nine Chippendales
in the crowd.

And they're like, "Are you
coming to our show again?"

And we're like, "Yeah!"

Three nights in a row
I go to this show.

It's my lady's second night.

We have a great time.
Our vaginas explode.

It's awesome.
Then...

fourth night,
literally, the whole cast

of Chippendales
comes to the show.

I'm, like, nervous up there
but, you know,

I got to deliver for the guys.

And it works.
They love it. After the show,

they come back to the green room
and they're like,

"Yo, are you coming--"
like we're friends now.

"Are you coming back
to the show?"

And my lady goes,
she goes,

"Oh, guys, you are so hot
and I love it

"and it's so good but two nights
in a row is enough,

"so I'm gonna bow out
but thank you."

And they're like,
"All right."

And they looked at me,

and I looked at her,

and I went, "Bye, bitch."

And I went four nights
in a row to the Chippendales.

Go see them in Vegas
when it opens up

and ask to see it
from the back.

You guys are awesome.
Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

♪

JULIAN: One night,
I asked them everything

I wanted to know, together,

because they were
never together.

And I'm choosing not to cry,

so I'm not gonna say everything.

But, um,
I asked why my mom left.

And she said, "Your dad
was behind a cloud of smoke,"

with him sitting right there.

That's the kind
of honesty you get

when you're at that point
in your life.

And he just kind of,
like, took it.

He understood, you know.

She's like,
"I never could get all of him.

"And that's why I left."

So that was crazy,

'cause I was sober
at that point

and I knew what she meant.

And she said,

"You were always so naturally
talented at things--

"baseball, making friends,
being funny,

"all that stuff.

"And I feel like
he cut you down a lot.

"He wouldn't say
he was proud of you.

"He wasn't comfortable
with how easily

"people took to you,
because he can't do that."

So I looked at him and I go,
"You know, I never did think

"you ever really approved
of any choices that I made."

And he said...
[clears throat]

"Everything you've ever done
is golden."

And I was just like...
[imitates flood]

[clears throat]
So she made sure he said that.

[clears throat]

♪