Original subtitles

[clears throat]

Uh, she took me out to pancakes one morning.

And when we're leaving,

I remember we stopped at a railroad track crossing.

Like, how hacky is that?

♪

She stops the car, and she looks at me.

She goes, "How would you feel

"if I move to Tennessee for a while?"

And I knew what she meant.

And I remember thinking, "If I tell you to stay,

"you're gonna be miserable, and you're gonna stay

"'cause I told you to stay."

So, I said, "You should go," you know.

And me and my dad, never-- he--to his credit,

he never said one bad word about her.

Not one.

But I never told myself that I was mad

that she left at all. I was like,

"I'm already basically a man.

"I'm 13.

"I've got seven pubic hairs.

"I'm fine."

And, uh, you know,

then became a raging alcoholic for a few years

and the whole thing.

♪

I didn't mean to connect these things,

but that's what this ther-- is this therapy, right?

Oh, wow. This is awesome.

Feel free to reach anywhere, I really don't care.

[laughs]

When I picture childhood,

I don't see adults there.

I mean, when the only adults there

are drunk most of the time,

you have no supervision,

which in a way is fun,

but we were, like, straight up "Lord of the Flies".

It did not feel safe, by the way.

I'm shocked none of us died.

Is everybody else being funny in these?

[laughs]

How much did I drink? I never drank during the day

'cause that's an alcoholic.

And then, I would drink, um,

until I couldn't, every night.

Man, there's a lot

that I realized I don't tell people.

♪

[laughter]

[applause]

MAN: Guys, we're gonna start the show,

and, uh, you guys seemed pumped.

Are you guys ready to keep the show going?

[cheers and applause]

Hey, I'm Amy Miller,

and I'm from Oakland, California.

I think sometimes people are surprised that

the Bay Area has hillbillies,

but we sure do. [laughs]

MAN: Welcome to the stage

the very funny Amy Miller, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

♪

Hi. Oh, my God.

Thanks for clapping for so long.

That was so nice of you.

It's so nice of you guys to be here.

What's wrong with you? [laughter]

I'm so happy to be out of the house right now, guys.

Oh.

And I have, uh, a little guy back home

who's been doing this with a little one.

Perfect.

[laughter]

No, that's perfect. I'm not a mother.

I just have a very young boyfriend.

[laughter]

And he's driving me nuts.

Thank you, creeps.

Uh...

[laughter]

Since I was the youngest, and it was, like,

really loud a lot of the time,

and I was a very shy kid,

I just had to land

when I got a moment, you know what I mean?

So, I wouldn't talk a lot, but when I did,

once I noticed if I said something insane,

that people would laugh,

then I would always, like,

try to take my shot at the right time.

I don't have kids as I said, uh, which is crazy.

It turns out, they'll just give anybody this haircut.

- Can you believe that? - [laughter]

[laughs] I don't have kids by choice, uh,

but not for this reason. Like, I have girlfriends,

who are like, "I don't want kids

"'cause I wanna travel." [laughs]

Or, you know, 'cause the Earth is dying

or there's a pandemic. Stupid shit like that.

[laughter]

I don't have kids for different reasons.

I don't have kids because they come out of your body,

and turn into people.

[laughter]

Have y'all seen people today?

[laughter]

How many did you see

and how many were you like, "That's a good one"?

[laughter]

I don't understand how people have kids.

I like being an aunt.

That's my shit. Are there aunts in here?

- [applause] - That's so fun.

It's not the same.

I wouldn't say it's the same. I'm not crazy.

Being an aunt is great because it's different.

'Cause I'm always like, "I would kill for these kids."

And then, I'm like,

"Oops, this got a little bit hard.

"Here's your kid back." Um...

[laughter]

See y'all in eight weeks.

[laughter]

Um, I have a 6-year-old niece,

and every time I go home to visit,

she makes a point of telling me

that she's still not sure if I'm a grown up or a kid.

[laughter]

I asked her why, and she was like,

"Well, you definitely "look like a grown up."

All right. A little bit cunty.

Not the answer I was looking for. Um...

[laughter]

She goes, "You definitely look like a grown up,

"but you're just not, like, awake in the morning

"when grown-ups are awake."

[laughter]

I was like, "If I'm not a grown up,

"why'd they let me have

"all those adult beverages last night,

- "you little bitch?" - [laughter]

"Get out of my room." [laughs]

"No, I know it's your room,

"but I'm staying here for a few weeks."

- Um... - [laughter]

Trying to get back on my feet.

My parents were alcoholics. Yeah. Yeah.

My mom is sober now, um, but, yeah,

it was, like, they worked super hard, too.

So, after work, they would go to the bar,

and often not come home.

A lot of the time I wouldn't really have gotten to school

or gotten my hair braided or anything

without my sisters doing it.

And my brother taught me how to ride a bike.

He taught me how to do math.

You know, no--I don't remember having a bedtime,

like, even as a baby, you know.

It was like, I could stay up all night, and I did.

[laughs]

If you're putting photos

of your newborn baby on Instagram,

thank you so much.

I will always like them.

But I do have a couple of notes.

- Um... - [laughter]

Do you guys feel, like, some people are

putting their newborns on Instagram

before they're all the way...cooked?

- [laughs] - [laughter]

Good, you've seen these crusty fucking babies?

[laughter]

Just going online.

One eye open, they're all gummed up.

They're, like, wet, but dry at the same time.

- How did they... - [laughter]

They're all wearing that same poser beanie, you know?

You're like, "Get a new hat, bro.

"We've all seen this one."

Um, I think if your baby announcement

looks like a Christian right billboard,

you should wait, probably, a couple--

[laughter]

--more--yes.

That baby looks like it could be on a poster

in the Alabama governor's office.

You just need to let it--

let it sit a little bit longer...

before we have to fucking look at it.

- [laughs] - [laughter]

So, my parents were not religious,

but there was a church on the end of our block.

So, they brought their van around, you know.

They tried to recruit in the neighborhood.

Strange man in a van:

"I'll take your kids to church on Sunday,

"if you want, and I'll drop them back off."

And my dad's like, "Tight,

"'cause that is when football is on.

"So, take those little shits to church.

"I don't care what you teach them."

But it was, uh, like,

fire and brimstone

Bible-thumping Baptist church.

And one sister and I took to it hard.

Now, all of a sudden, you have, like,

a 5- and 7-year-old back at the house,

being like, "I learned you were going to hell."

So, that's what they're teaching us down the street.

And we would, like, try to save our parents.

[laughs]

I love doing this job.

It's an interesting job to do,

uh, as a lady.

Comedy is interesting to do as a lady.

We get a lot of cool feedback.

[laughter]

Um, this is my favorite feedback I ever got.

One time I'm talking to this, like, younger dude comic, right?

And he's like, "Yeah. But don't you feel weird though,

"trying to make it when there's already

"a famous comedian named Amy?"

And I was like, "I don't know, Dave.

"Do you feel weird?"

[laughter]

"I don't know, Mitch.

"I don't know, Bill, Robert, Bob,

"Bobby, John with an H, Jon with no H,

"Richard, Richie, Ricky, Dickie, Dick,

"Gregory, Dick Gregory, Greg, Craig,

"Adam, Josh, Ron, Jimmy, Jim,

"James, do you guys feel weird?"

[cheers and applause]

I don't know, Carrot.

Do you feel weird?

[laughter]

Like an idiot.

The first party I ever went to,

my dad ended up having to pick me up

at 4:00 in the morning because

I shit my sleeping bag.

[interviewer laughs]

Uh, I, like, woke up at some point,

and I was just flipping around

inside the bag in my own shit.

And so, I had to, like, slither out

and walk down the hallway

to my friend's parents' room,

and knock on the door, and be like,

"Huge understatement: I think I pooped."

[interviewer laughs]

But I'm covered in diarrhea.

And they were like, "Jesus Christ,"

or what, you know,

whatever Christians would say, like, "Wow."

And then, my dad had to come get me,

and to put me in his truck,

he covered me in a garbage bag,

took me home, middle of the night,

hosed me down on the lawn.

And this was my first ever, like, social outing,

so I was so embarrassed, and he was embarrassed.

And then, so my second party ever,

he drops me off, and I'm like,

"We're doing it, Dad.

"No one's shitting tonight.

"I'm gonna be cool.

"I'm gonna play with other kids."

And everything went great.

But then in the morning, my aunt picked me up,

and I was like, "What are you doing here?"

Because I was ready to be like, "We did it, Dad."

And, uh, he didn't pick me up

because while I was at the party,

he fucking died.

[laughter]

And then, in my head, I'm like,

"This is 'cause I shit.

"I know it's my fault."

Yeah.

You guys, we're having fun.

This is a beautiful night.

- Yeah. - Yes?

[cheers and applause]

You're awesome.

This is a good time.

So, let's talk about cancer.

- [laughter] - Um...

[laughs] I'm a fun comic.

Um, here's my thing with cancer.

I don't wanna get it.

Uh, it runs in my family,

and I think about it a lot,

and I read a lot about it.

And, uh, there's all this stuff

we're supposed to do to avoid cancer, right?

Like, you can't smoke, you got to wear sunscreen,

you can't go down on Catherine Zeta-Jones,

- apparently. - [laughter]

According to her husband, Michael Douglas.

- Does anyone remember this? - WOMAN: Yeah.

The actor Michael Douglas

was diagnosed with gnarly throat cancer.

And someone asked him in an interview

how he thinks he got it,

and he was like, "Yeah.

"This is just from eating women out."

And we were, like, "Tight."

[laughter]

This all checks out.

So, I don't know.

Be careful, gentlemen.

Not too careful, you know what I mean?

[laughter]

I'm sorry. Again, just inappropriate.

I, uh--I really don't wanna get cancer,

and because I read so much about it,

I'm really alarmed that no one is looking into

how come only nice people get cancer.

This part's always quiet.

[quiet laughter]

'Cause this is where we all sort of, like,

take inventory of the loved ones we've lost to cancer,

and realize it was all the best fucking people.

And every miserable piece of shit in our family

is doing great. [laughs]

And we go to like, weddings and family gatherings,

and someone's like, "Oh, a toast to Susan

"who we lost to cancer."

And you're like, "Cheers. Should've been you, Jim."

- [laughter] - But...

it's never the right people,

and I'm the only one looking into it.

And I say it, like, if you're here,

and you have cancer, or you're a cancer survivor,

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you,

but also, congrats, you're a good fucking person.

- Uh... - [applause]

The night that my dad died,

also, we didn't know where my mom was.

So, she went out and just didn't come home.

And then, um, he had a heart attack,

and in true Miller family fashion,

he tried to drive himself to the hospital.

Like, he was like, "I got it," you know.

So he ended up

crashing his truck on the way to the hospital.

Maybe he died before, maybe he died after,

we're not sure. But, uh,

he fucked up a telephone pole

a couple blocks away from our house,

and we had to drive by

- that shit every day. - MAN: Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

- Yeah. - [laughs]

Why are we laughing? What's--

MAN: 'Cause we're fucked-up people.

What's wrong with us?

Listen, I know I shouldn't be able to decide who gets cancer.

I'm not a god.

But I'm gonna try right now.

[laughter]

'Cause who are the worst people,

you know what I mean? Like, uh,

probably, like, people who touch kids,

people who commit sexual assault,

they're really bad.

Those stories never end that way.

They're--it's never like, "Oh, my abuser

"got a quick and painful cancer."

It's always like, "Oh, yeah.

"My abuser died of old age in jail,"

or "They sent him to a different Catholic church."

- Um... - [laughter]

Or "He's the president now."

[laughter]

It's never the right people.

It's so unfair.

And I don't, you know-- I don't wanna get it,

so I'm just trying to do,

like, little evil things

to try to stay healthy.

[laughter]

I don't wanna be all the way evil,

you know what I mean? Like, I don't wanna touch kids,

aside from my boyfriend, but I...

[laughter]

I just use small evil things to stave off cancer.

Like, I, uh, don't use my turn signal anymore.

[laughter]

People get so mad on the highway,

and I'm like, "Take that, lymphoma."

[laughter]

[laughs] Little evil things.

Like, I know--okay.

So, if I'm gonna travel,

I know I'm gonna fly, um,

two days before a flight,

I will make a homemade tuna sandwich,

and just eat that right in the sky.

[laughter]

Yeah. You don't like it,

but I'm gonna fucking live forever.

[laughter]

It doesn't make any sense. It's not fair.

I don't know why only nice people get cancer.

Fucking Alex Trebek has cancer.

We didn't--why are you clapping for that, ma'am?

- [laughter] - That is very dark.

She's like, "Fuck Alex Trebek."

[laughter]

You're clapping because you also think it's an injustice.

Yes. And you love "Jeopardy!".

[laughter]

The nicest Beastie Boy, dead.

Cancer. Okay. That's fucked up.

Yeah. The mean one, he's doing fine.

- Ad-Rock's okay. - [laughter]

Also Kid Rock, very healthy.

Total piece of shit, never uses sunscreen.

[laughter]

When my dad died, the Christian shit

added a whole weird layer

and then our youth pastor came around

to remind us,

if you're wondering if he is in hell,

- he sure is. - MAN: No.

Because he did not get saved under the wire.

That's a lot for a little girl.

And I would tell myself, "You don't know that

"he wasn't saved because what if he prayed

"in the truck like at the final minute?"

You know what I mean? Before he hit that pole.

But that guy... [laughs]

he's in prison for child molestation.

- [laughs] - MAN: Come on.

So, you know,

I think he was wrong. [laughs]

MAN: Guess who's in hell now?

Yeah. Yeah, he is in hell.

He's in a prison in Oklahoma during a pandemic, so...

Oh, I have to pee.

Okay. Um...

[laughter]

I just went.

I have to pee kind of a lot.

Like, okay, a lot of fat girls have tiny bladders.

It's really crowded in here, you know what I mean?

Like, we're using up all of the space.

It's the same reason we have such tight pussies.

- Um... - [cheers and applause]

You know, sir. Not--you're very thin,

but, you know, in his past, maybe.

Maybe your future, I don't know.

- Um... - [laughter]

[laughs] I pee so much,

and I'm very picky about bathrooms, okay?

Many of us are, especially now.

Um, but I hate nothing more

than when bathroom doors

try to make a little joke.

Have you ever been in a themed bar,

looking for your bathroom,

and you walk up to the doors, and you're like,

"Honestly, I don't know if I'm a doe or a buck.

"I'm fucking drunk, okay?"

[laughter]

I'm not a hunter or a zoologist,

so if you could just tell me

which door to go through, that'd be nice.

I have an idea for inclusive bathroom doors, okay?

What if, like, the outside of every bathroom door

just had like a full-length mirror?

How cute is that?

And you walk up, and it's like,

"Hey, there you are, get in here.

"Come on. This is for you, bud."

[laughs]

Plus the mirror system will keep out the extremely tall.

Now, I don't support

discrimination against any group,

except for the extremely tall.

I just think, like, if you're a dude in a bar,

and you're over 6'5",

you should have to pee in the street

like the freak that you are.

[laughter]

You walk up to that mirror

and you can't see your own goddamn head?

Get the fuck out of here, okay?

You Frankenstein piece of shit.

Technically, Frankenstein's monster,

if you're annoying.

Um...

I don't--some tall men

have not loved that joke.

It's fine, you don't have to worry.

I--like, I love tall guys, I love short guys,

I love all kinds of guys.

I used to be a whore, okay?

But I always find it interesting

when I have straight lady friends that are, like,

"Well, I just want a tall guy so I can feel safe."

If you wanna feel truly, truly safe,

get yourself a short dude. They're fucking crazy, okay?

[laughter, applause]

Yes.

Short dudes are so hot, they're always ready to fight,

and they all fuck like they have been molested.

- [laughter] - It is such a gift.

If you know, you know.

Also, tall guy sex is, like, very unwieldy,

you know what I mean?

There's fucking limbs everywhere.

You're like, "Find a place for your body."

And just slamming your face into a sternum over and over.

You're like, "I would kiss you, but you're so far away."

And you cannot have a bedframe with these freaks.

I didn't know that, okay?

Years ago, I was dating a man

who was 6'8". Disgusting.

And I had a bedframe.

I didn't know I couldn't.

I have like a-- one of those nice,

like, wrought iron bedframes,

you know, with the bars.

And at some point,

I get up in the middle of the night,

and I look back at him,

and he's naked,

two arms out the top bars,

two feet out the bottom bars.

It looked like, in the middle of the night,

I was planning to barbecue him.

[laughter]

Short guy sex, on the other hand,

very romantic, okay? A lot of eye contact.

That little dude's right here, okay?

We're doing a perfect 69 every time.

Also, they're compact,

so they can do it anywhere, you know what I mean?

Like, my boyfriend's 5'6"

and he can eat me out while I'm driving,

m, and work the gas pedal.

"Gas pedal" is what I call my clit. Okay.

What are we, telling jokes?

- This is fun. - [laughter]

[laughs]

I like how you guys have made an agreement

that you never clap at the same time.

[laughter]

I like it. Like, you're like,

"I'll go on Alex Trebek."

That guy went on me

being eaten out in the car.

So you got to find your moment, okay?

[laughter]

My dad, who raised me, who died,

when I turned 30, I found out,

he was not my real dad.

Finding out that he was not my real dad

put everything in a new light.

I know more now about

why both of them drank, and why they didn't get along.

I mean, we have so much more information now.

But I never felt, like,

"Oh, this isn't my family."

Because of how we grew up, too,

like, my siblings and I are, like,

war buddies, so there was no--

like, nothing could have broken that, you know?

Um, I am, uh, a plus-size person.

I always, like--I don't know why

I always feel the need to mention it,

uh, that I'm plus-size, just in case

anyone is visiting from the Midwest.

Anybody?

Okay. Very skinny there.

Um...

But in Los Angeles where I live,

I'm fucking Mama June, okay?

I'm...

the largest woman in Los Angeles.

[laughter]

And I have a pretty good time with it.

I'm comfortable with myself.

But people would be like, "Isn't it hard

"to be plus-size in Hollywood?"

And I'm like, "No, dude,

"this is the best place to do it."

'Cause everything I do here is very brave.

[laughter]

Yup. Some people are EMTs,

some people are firefighters.

Um, what I do is that sometimes

I put on a bikini,

take a picture of it,

and then, put it on Instagram,

and people are, like, "She's so brave.

"She's an American hero."

[scattered applause]

- Again... - [laughter]

...thank you.

You heard them start clapping,

so you don't start

until two minutes later, and then, do it on your own.

[laughter]

My Instagram is just @AmyMillerComedy,

if you wanna see those bikini photos.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

Oh, it's a lot of meat, get your sauce ready,

that's all I'm saying.

Um, uh, I don't even know what it means,

but I know that it's gross.

I am so brave to be fat in LA.

I think I took it too far, though.

I took it too far.

Uh, I made a bold choice this summer

to walk around LA, eating an ice cream cone in public.

Can you imagine?

I walked by this homeless guy,

and he was, like,

"Hey, you really think you need that ice cream?"

[laughter]

I know.

He goes, "You're already fat."

And I was like...

I was like, "Do you know why, sir?"

And he is like, "Why?"

And I was like, "Oh, um, 'cause I've been eating food

"at my house."

[laughter]

I'm not proud of that, okay?

I don't feel good about it,

but I fucking got him.

[laughter]

Power structures are complicated,

and he started it.

[laughter]

In college, I was still Christian,

and I went to Berkeley, and that's very hard to do,

to be a Christian at Berkeley.

I mean, I was going, like, to People's Park

and trying to save homeless drug addicts,

and, like, they actually don't want,

um, a Bible.

They want food, shelter,

and drugs. [laughs]

It took me a while to get out of it.

I had a lot of guilt, you know.

But, basically, I wanted to, like,

listen to good music

and have sex with my boyfriend.

Plus, that was around,

uh, the time that the youth pastor guy

went to prison for all the molestation,

who was the source of so much of my guilt,

you know, because he would always tell me,

like, what I was doing wrong,

and how to be a better Christian.

Then, it just felt like it was all bullshit, you know?

Like, that's who my mentor was?

- He was hiding all the secrets.

I don't wanna be too controversial,

but I do have to put this out there.

Um, I think dog people are bullshit.

I also think cat people are bullshit.

Did you guys know that you can just love both?

They're so cute.

Do we ever have to fight about this again?

"I'm a dog person"?

Go fuck yourself, okay?

It's 2020, people aren't even straight anymore.

You don't have to choose a household pet,

you fucking dork.

And I understand, like, I have those friends

who will say, like, "Well, I just don't like dogs

"personally because one attacked me once."

And I'm like, "Okay. Well, I still talk to men."

- Um-- - [laughter]

I let one ride in the car

and sleep in the bed, it's crazy.

And then, cat-hating people will be like,

"Well, I don't like cats

"because they just piss wherever they want."

Again, I still talk to men.

It's fine.

You can just like both, or neither.

Nobody gives a shit.

Dog people, you're fine.

Cat people, you're chill,

but I think that we can all agree as a group

that bird people needs serious fucking help.

[laughter]

Why are bird people like that?

And no comedian has ever been, like,

"Are there any bird people in the house?"

[laughter]

'Cause they're in the house. They're at home.

[laughter]

They are always at home,

hanging out with their squeaky little dinosaurs.

Bird people seem like the kind of adults

that will go to a restaurant and order a tall glass of milk,

and that's not okay with me.

And I am allowed to talk a little bit of shit

about bird people because my grandma was a bird lady.

Uh, she's also dead,

but, like, which part's sadder, we're not sure.

- Um... - [laughter]

My grandma had birds,

and she owned a dry cleaners in the Bay Area.

These are the two things you need to know.

And my grandma trained one of her boy birds

to sit at the front of her business,

and whistle at every girl

or woman that came through the door.

And this bird fucking lived for it.

And every lady that came through the door,

he would whistle, and he would go,

- "Hey, baby. Hey, baby." - [laughter]

And then, my grandma

would run from the back of the dry cleaners,

and be, like, "Uh-oh. Someone's flirting with you."

And we were like, "Grandma!

"No one wants to fuck your bird."

[laughter]

You guys have been so great.

My name is Amy Miller.

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

♪

Yeah, I do think the church helped me a lot.

If my sister and I had not been in the church,

we would be very different people right now.

I mean, I would be like a lot of the rest of my family.

I would probably have five kids,

and be on meth. [laughs]

We did it.

Kind of.

Thanks.

I'm Julian McCullough, and I am--

well, I was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

It's a long story.

My dad is from Philly originally.

My mom is from rural Minnesota.

So my parents met in Portland,

and then they were pregnant two weeks later with me.

They moved back to Philly to have me.

We went back to Portland.

We tried Pittsfield, Massachusetts;

San Francisco; Morristown, New Jersey,

yada, yada, yada. It's a whole thing.

MAN: Your next comic, uh, I've known him for a long time.

And you're really gonna love him.

Ladies and gentlemen, Julian McCullough.

[cheers and applause]

♪

Hello. Thank you, everybody.

Hi, how are you?

Hi, everybody. This is so magical,

but also, for a really bad reason.

Uh, so it's kind of a weird feeling, right?

It's like, uh... [clears throat]

when you finally hear your dad say he's proud of you,

but it's 'cause your mom's dying.

- [laughter] - Uh...

We'll cut--we're not-- that's not the opener.

[laughter]

It is great to be here.

My name is Julian.

I'm named after Julian "Cannonball" Adderley.

That's Miles Davis's saxophone player.

[mild laughter, applause]

Yeah. Thank you.

And my dad, he loved jazz,

that's why he named me after him.

But he didn't--he didn't even love the jazz

that you can't stand.

He loved avant-garde jazz,

which you hate even more than that.

That's the one that doesn't make sense, you know what I mean?

Where it's just like...

[imitates random instruments]

[laughter]

And the drummer is playing a different song.

[laughter]

We were broke, mostly by choice.

My dad's real smart,

but he just was like,

ambition was not part of it.

He worked hard. He was like the kind of guy that, like--

he was always the smartest guy on the construction crew.

You know, like, that guy.

He was just, like, smoking weed, blasting jazz,

and, like, painting.

And he went from being a guy with, like, a bicycle

and a radio to a family of four in, like, nine months.

- [laughter] - It's crazy.

But I'm glad he gave me a cool name,

you know what I mean?

Uh, I have a daughter

and she-- her classmates have names

that I'm just like, I don't know.

I don't think--there should be like a system,

uh, to stop people.

- Like, there's... - [laughter]

There's a boy in her class named Cash.

After Johnny Cash, I think, not money.

But that would be cool

if you're just naming your kids

after what you traded in to have kids.

[laughter]

You know, this is the boys,

Cash and Freedom, and that's their sister, Sleep.

[laughter]

But the problem is they're naming these kids

after tough dudes

and they're not raising tough kids.

So it doesn't really make sense, you know what I mean?

Like, you guys--you guys know about Johnny Cash, right?

- MAN: Yeah. - Yeah.

He never, like, wore a helmet.

[laughter]

Like, no matter what, you know what I mean?

Even when he was, like, shooting amphetamines,

he wasn't like, "Safety first."

You know? He was, like, going for it.

Do you know about the ostrich fight?

Does anybody know about this?

When Johnny Cash was older,

uh, he had an ostrich on his property.

Relatable.

- [laughter] - And...

You guys were like, "Well, was it a rescue?"

- So... - [laughter]

the ostrich was mad for like a year,

because his, uh, ostrich wife died the previous winter.

So he was, like, ornery and mad.

And--aw, you don't know what ostriches are really like.

[laughter]

You're like, "I love all creatures."

So one day, Johnny Cash is walking

through his, like, uh, property, right?

And he knows this ostrich is out there

and he's, like, mad.

So be brings a big stick with him

in case he sees the ostrich,

which is another thing

that you should think about before you name your kid Cash.

And so he's walking in the property

and he sees the ostrich ahead of him.

and Cash knows it's on, you know what I mean?

The ostrich is like, "You killed my wife."

And Johnny Cash doesn't know how to be like,

"No, I didn't."

So instead he's like, "Bring it."

And the ostrich charges him.

This is a hundred percent true, it's in his book.

The ostrich charges him,

Johnny Cash takes a swing

with his beating stick, he called it.

But ostriches, I don't know if you know this,

are birds.

[laughter]

They are wily.

And they can kind of a little bit fly.

- So... - [laughter]

Have you ever seen an ostrich's legs?

They're incredible. Yeah, they're like a gymnast.

So this ostrich dodges the swing, right?

It's Johnny Cash's first ostrich fight,

so it's not his fault, but I'm just--

Dodges it, jumps in the air

with these huge--let's call a spade a spade, sexy legs.

And comes down--

and have you ever seen an ostrich claw?

Like the toe? It's like this long.

It's--they're like-- they're dinosaurs.

They're monsters. They're monsters.

Comes down on him

and, uh, opens Johnny Cash's stomach

from the belly button to his belt

and breaks two of his ribs by kicking him.

Johnny Cash flies back, lands on a rock,

breaks three more ribs.

Now he's got five broken ribs,

and an open stomach from an ostrich fight

- that he knew might happen. - [laughter]

And still was like, "But I need a walk."

You know what I mean? "I gotta take a walk."

[laughter]

So the ostrich is standing over him, you know what I mean?

'Cause all the other farm animals are like, "Finish him."

And, uh...

[laughter]

So Johnny Cash takes all the strength he has left,

and he takes one more swing from the ground,

and hits the ostrich in the leg,

and the ostrich is like, "Aah!" And runs away.

He gets up...

bleeding, crawls to his house,

finds some old pain meds, and takes them.

He'd been sober for, like, five years.

He relapsed on an ostrich fight

and then did speed for three more years

before getting sober again.

All I'm saying is...

you can't name your kid Cash,

and then when he trips on the playground,

catch him before he hits the ground

and be like, "Go be tough."

Like, that isn't gonna happen.

What you need to do is put him in an elevator

with an ostrich and a hammer, and see who comes out.

[laughter]

[applause]

You know, thank you.

When this pandemic hit,

I was like, "I get to quit stand-up."

And then, uh, you guys just ruined it,

'cause that was really fun.

[laughter]

So I'm back, baby.

- [chuckles] - [cheers and applause]

I would take the public city bus

all the way across San Francisco

from the time I was like seven until ten.

Um, just like, "Good luck," you know?

Yeah, I would ride up by the front to be near the driver.

I had my own bus-- I had a bus pass

and my house key both tied to my shoelace

and wore it as a necklace.

I was like Neapolitan ice cream

for a pedophile. [laughs] I had all the--

all the parts you need to make a great--

So once school was out, I was, like, on my own.

So I miss diners.

I miss--I don't miss going out with a bunch of friends

because then it's like, you know, you gotta divide

the bill and, like, you know, like, John is, uh, rich.

And you're like, "Why are we even doing this?"

[laughter]

But I was in a diner recently

and, uh, I went to go to the bathroom, right?

And the door to the bathroom, not only was it not locked,

it was open a crack.

So I just swung the door open,

and my second biggest fear happened.

Guy right there, 10 inches away,

taking a dump, eye contact.

- Boom. Yeah. - [audience groans]

I know. I say my "second biggest fear"

'cause my first biggest fear is obviously

being that guy.

That's the worst thing

that can happen to anybody.

So here's how we all react as normal people

if someone walks in on us in a public bathroom

because we forgot to lock the door.

Ready? It's, uh, "Somebody's in here!"

[laughter]

It's, like, sheer panic.

This guy, not only did he not scream,

he looked me dead in the eye,

and he goes, "Give me a minute, chief."

[laughter]

I didn't know you could do that.

I didn't know you could be the confident one

in a confrontation with a stranger

when your pants are around your ankles.

I thought I was dreaming.

I was like, "Am I completely naked?

"How are you in charge right now?

"Your parents are still together, aren't they?"

That's too much self-esteem for one person.

I'm a child of divorce, like a normal person.

That started because when my mom left

when I was 13, it was just me and my dad,

and we would eat literally, like, five, six nights a week

at the new Golden Dawn Diner in Mount Laurel.

He would take me to pool halls late at night

and they would--they would let him in--they would let me in--

no kids allowed, but they knew my dad.

And also, it was so weird for him to do that

that they were like, okay, you know.

And I'd be in these smoky pool halls, like,

playing pool with these guys

and they're like gambling and stuff.

It was awesome. So that part was cool.

You know, when the world stopped,

I thought about all of the people

that this thing affected,

stand-up would-- I was a touring stand-up.

That was how I made my living,

and it was just gone in a day, right?

It's the last thing that you can do.

And then I was like, you know what?

No matter how bad things are,

there's always somebody who has a harder time.

And I was thinking about it.

Like, the exotic dancing industry

is the only thing that's, like, crowds

and performance, which is bad,

and then also intimate, you know what I mean?

So I felt really bad for them

'cause the last thing I went to

before it all hit

was an exotic dance club.

And I had a great time,

so I was thinking about them.

[laughter]

Because they're also heroes, you know what I mean?

Well, maybe you're confused.

Uh, I'm talking about Chippendales.

I was at the Chippendales

in Las Vegas, if that makes a difference.

And they are heroes, because they're entertaining

the heroes that we have in this country

like teachers from Minnesota and stuff

that wanna fly

and see wieners safely,

uh, in Las Vegas.

Basically, what happened was

I was on my last gig that I was allowed to do,

I was in Vegas, and they invited,

uh, all the comics to go see the Chippendales show.

And I said yes

because it was an $85 ticket normally.

And anything that is worth $85 that I'm getting for free,

I'm like, you know, bring 'em on.

Like, I appreciate beauty in all its forms.

[laughter]

I didn't know what to expect, all right?

I'd never been to one.

I mean, I had an idea about what to expect on stage.

I had no idea what to expect in the crowd.

I thought it would be like half women,

half gay men, you know?

And it would just be like a mix.

I was wrong. I walk in.

It was 400 women

and Julian McCullough.

That was the entire crowd.

[laughter]

I'm Julian McCullough, if you already forgot.

[laughter]

A lot of you are like,

"Why do we care if a Latin singer was there?"

Uh, who's--

Literally, I'm the only guy.

It was crazy.

And these women were dressed up

to go to this show.

So it was just like a sea

of, like, Bumpits and chardonnay,

and, uh, tight dresses.

They looked--they looked great.

Uh, it's--they smelled great.

They were out to have fun and I was the only one there.

So right before the show starts,

the lights go out, so it's pitch black in the room.

So now I'm in a pitch black room full of 400 women.

I'm smelling the perfume. The music is loud.

I get so excited, I forget

I'm not gonna like this.

[laughter]

I was like, "Oh, man!" You know?

"I forgot why I'm here, but I bet it's great!"

[laughter]

And then the lights came on, and it turns out,

uh, I was right. Uh, I didn't like it.

I lovedit.

Ten of the hottest dudes

you've ever seen in your life

came running out on stage at the same time.

They were so hot

that me and the woman next to me

who didn't know each other--

I later found out her name's Tammy,

she was from Minnesota, she was awesome.

We didn't know each other.

We instinctively grabbed each other's hands

and started screaming at the stage.

[laughter]

We were like [screams].

And the dude was like,

[announcer voice] "Please welcome your Chippendales!"

And we were like, "Oh, my God!"

Like we... lost it.

One of them looked at me,

'cause he was like, "What are you doing here?"

[laughter]

And she was like, "He looked at you!"

And I was like, "Oh, my God!" We were freaking out.

I'm like, "That one's mine now!"

[laughter]

It was... [scoffs] who knows?

Mainly because I wasn't like an alpha guy, you know?

I was, like, sensitive or whatever.

I just got picked on that way.

So, you have to, like, impress him

if you wanna stop getting beat up and stuff.

And I remember, uh, once we started,

like, drinking and stuff, I was the--

I was, like, "I'll be-- I'll be the funny one."

So I got that.

And then I'll also be the brave one,

as long as we're not fighting.

Uh, 'cause I'll go limp.

So I-- [laughs]

So I was funny and then we-- the--to get booze,

we would drive around Morristown

looking for open garages

and then you jump out, run into somebody's garage,

and raid their fridge,

run it back out to the car and, you know,

then you would charge five bucks at parties

for the--whatever you hauled.

We came up with a special word for it.

Garaging.

It was incredible.

And they have your type no matter what you're into.

That's the point of Chippendales, right?

It's everybody's fantasy,

so they gotta get you covered.

They have everybody.

Sir, what's your type?

[laughter]

MAN: I don't know.

You don't know?

Mine--mine was women,

- uh... - [laughter]

...before I went to the Chippendales show.

And now, they're, like, still up there,

you know what I mean?

Well, it was women and Prince.

I don't know if anybody else had that problem

where you were definitely straight

but also Prince videos came on

and you were like, "Uh, I like this feeling

"but I'm not gonna talk about it."

[laughter]

So they run out,

they have your type no matter what.

They had, uh,

like the first guy was all-American boy.

Blond hair, blue-eyed, perfect jaw,

uh, you know, looked like he grew up on a farm.

Loved his mom and dad and worked--

like Superman, you know what I mean?

Number two, right next to him,

uh, opposite, right?

Liar-face guy.

You know those guys

that they're just shady-looking?

I don't know if it's, you know, the eyebrows or what,

but they just--they look like they're lying to you.

A lot of women like that. It's mystery, you know?

They're like, "Oh, I'm gonna check his phone

"when he's in the shower, and I'm gonna get him."

You know? They live for that stuff.

Those women don't want all-American boy,

'cause you check his phone and it's just like,

"Miss you, Mama." And they're like, "Ugh."

[laughter] - So...

So, they got all-American boy, they got liar-face guy.

They, uh-- what else do they have?

Oh, they had a Black guy. One.

I don't know what they do if he gets sick.

Then they had--

they had a little guy. They had a little guy!

I didn't even know little guys were, like, a fantasy.

But apparently, a lot of women are like,

"I can dress him up."

[laughter]

My point is, they got everybody.

And, uh, it goes on for a little while.

They have, uh, like, props.

They're--it's--they're showing you all the different things

they can hump to kind of show you their repertoire,

you know what I mean? So, like, there's a chair.

One guy just humps a chair but it's like good, you know.

And then they-- one guy did a motorcycle.

He humped a motorcycle. Can you believe that?

That's exciting.

It's hard to make that look good, but he did.

Like, sir, what would be your, um, strategy?

If you had to-- if you had to air hump

a motorcycle to entertain 400 women and me,

what would be your approach to humping that motorcycle?

I'm not moving on this time. Like, you--

I wanna know.

[laughter]

- MAN: Sit on it. - JULIAN: Sit on it?

Like you're riding a motorcycle? Okay.

Lucky lady.

[laughter, applause]

I'm not trying to be mean.

That is literally the worst answer I've gotten.

The best answer I ever got, I've been asking this question

all over the country, and my favorite answer,

there was a guy in the front row one time.

He looked like Wilford Brimley, like the most perfect grandpa

you ever saw in your life, right?

He was adorable. And I go, "Sir--"

I'm just messing with him. I go, "Sir,

"how would you hump a motorcycle on stage?"

And he goes,

"I'd sneak up on it."

[laughter]

He answered so-- it was like he already knew.

I got a job at the Stress Factory Comedy Club.

And I was a door guy and I was a bus boy

and I would seat the room

but I was in the life of stand-up comedy finally.

That's when I started, like,

drinking where if my roommates were drinking or not,

it didn't matter. I was drinking.

And I would drink like six nights a week.

Seven if my body could do it.

But usually it takes its own Sunday, you know.

When you're an alcoholic, your stomach goes through cycles

of which liquor it can take, you know what I mean?

So I would-- I used to run the gamut.

Like, for six weeks, I'd only drink Sambuca shots.

And then my stomach would reject that

then I'd have to move on to tequila and then it would move--

it wasn't even up to me, to be honest.

Like, people would be like, "Would you like some Scotch?"

And I'm like, "I can't. And it's not--no offense but,

"you know, Scotch was February."

- [man laughing] - So...

So I missed my college roommate's wedding

because I just couldn't not drink.

And that was when I was like--

and the girl I was seeing goes, "Oh, I didn't know

"you were that kind of drunk."

And I'll never forget that sentence.

So then I went to AA

and bawled my eyes out few times,

got sober for four years then off and on.

And now I'm sober again and never going back.

I'm, like, good.

Then the lights go out again after like 20 minutes,

and me and Tammy are like, "This better not be over."

Like, we're not done with this.

But we can see that one of the dancers is coming back

onto the stage

and he's wheeling a prop, right?

So out--it's pitch-- you can barely see,

but he's pushing it like this

and it's got a big black cover over it.

And he had a little bit of a ponytail,

which was the guy who saw me and made eye contact.

And Tammy was like, "It's your guy!"

And I was like, "I know, I know!"

[laughter]

So he wheels it to the front.

We don't know what it is. Can't figure it out.

We're straining our eyes, you know.

He--we see him turn around like this.

The lights come on,

and he is...

completely naked.

Yeah. And we were not ready

- for that, at all. - [laughter]

We thought this was like a family strip show,

but it was not like that anymore,

and we were fine with it.

The screaming at this point was so loud,

I couldn't even hear myself think.

It was incredible, right? The energy was insane.

So, right when you think it can't get any louder,

he reaches up,

pulls the cover off the prop

and it is a...

shower!

- Yeah. A real shower. - [laughter]

And...

it was the first heterosexual thought

I had of the night because I was like,

"Where's the plumbing?"

[laughter]

"You just wheeled that out and now you're gonna have water?

"I don't think so," right? And Tammy was like,

"Shut up. It's a magic shower."

And I'm like, "You're right."

[laughter]

So he pulls a chain, right?

And I think, like, glitter is gonna come out

or something like that.

He pulls that chain,

hot water comes pouring out of this thing,

steam rising off it, good pressure.

I'm like, "How are they getting good pressure?

"I have an apartment, I don't have pressure like this."

No wonder it's $85 to get into this thing.

So he pulls it.

Now he's glistening wet and we're going nuts, right?

Then he takes out a loofah sponge

full of white soap suds, right?

And he looks back at us like, "I don't know, ladies.

"Should I?"

By the way, this is what I realized.

This guy's actually going to take

an actual shower on stage.

And then I realized he does this show seven nights a week.

This is just his shower, you know what I mean?

Like, the guy's got to shower. He's very busy.

So he's like, "I don't know, should I?"

And the feeling in the room was literally no.

Do not get that soap on your body.

You don't have the insurance to cover

when 400 vaginas explode at the exact same time.

But he doesn't listen, 'cause he's hot

and they don't listen.

So he takes it, squirts it over his head.

Now white soap suds

are going down the middle of his beautiful back,

right down the middle. You know why?

'Cause his back is all puffy and big

on the outside parts and goes in on the spine

'cause he had muscles in his back.

Did you even know you could do that, sir?

I had no idea you could do that.

If you put soap down our backs, it just goes

[imitates cascading] all the way.

This was--it was like the Colorado River from a plane.

It was beautiful.

So now I'm, like, watching these soap suds

and I'm riveted. I cannot take my eyes off,

'cause there-- it's a story at this point

- and I wanna see how it ends. - [laughter]

It gets down--you're not gonna believe where they go.

Butt city, baby.

So they go right down in his butt crack

and at this point,

I'm a 40-year-old straight man

who's screaming so loud

at another man's soapy butt that I lose my voice.

[laughter]

And it starts dripping between his legs, right?

And now I'm looking at the-- just for the soap.

And I look between his legs

and I see between the drips and I'm like,

"Oh, no."

[laughter]

You could see it.

Yeah.

From the back.

Yeah. From the back.

His wiener, sir. You could see...

[laughter]

...from the back.

Do you have any idea

how big

a wiener's got to get

before you can see it from the back?

I do. I'll tell you exactly how big.

Unnecessary. That is how big that is.

So in 2011,

I moved to LA.

And things are a little not great with my mom,

but they're not--I'm not, like, angry like I was

and we'd talked about it and stuff.

She found out that I was, like, sober and stuff

and we got really close then.

And then, she tells me she is sick.

Pancreatic cancer,

which is now made famous by Alex Trebek.

My dad hears that she's sick.

And he calls her and says

"Would you like some help?" And she says okay.

So he packed up his stuff,

quit his job. He was a grounds crew

at a golf course.

Smoking weed on a tractor.

Smartest guy on the crew, you know?

And drove in his Volkswagen

across the country to Grass Valley

and moved in with my mom.

So they didn't talk

or see each other for roughly 18 years

or something like that.

They didn't, like, fall in love again.

It's not that kind of story.

That's--that's the movies.

But, um...he stayed.

My dad commits. Like,

when he stuck with me after she didn't,

you know what I mean? That's the kind of guy he is.

When it was over, the lights came on,

and the guy that invited us to the show,

the choreographer of Chippendales,

came over to me and he goes,

"Hey, man. Did you like the show?"

And I go, [hoarse voice] "Yes."

[laughter]

And he was like, "Awesome.

"I told some of the guys you were funny.

"They're gonna come to your show tomorrow night."

And I was like, "Oh, my God."

- And they did. - [laughter]

Like five Chippendales showed up at my show the next night.

I tell that whole story just like you saw it

'cause it was all I wanted to talk about.

They love it, right?

After the show, they wanna meet me.

So they come to the green room.

These dudes are, like, huge with the muscles and the beauty.

And the other comics are like, "Who the fuck are these guys?"

And I'm like--

I'm like, "Don't touch them. They're mine.

"And you don't need to introduce yourself.

"Come on, guys." And we--

[laughter]

So then they go, "Hey, Julian, that was so funny.

"We heard you liked our show. Do you wanna see it again?"

And I was like, "Yeah."

So I text my lady, who was with me,

but didn't come the night before.

I go, "Do you wanna go to Chippendales?"

and she was like, "Yeah."

So she comes down, we go to Chippendales.

It's awesome. Her vagina explodes.

It's perfect, right? We have a great time.

And I don't get jealous about stuff like that, right?

I don't care who inflates the tires as long as

I'm riding the bike, you know what I'm saying?

So...

[laughter]

So we have a great time.

And the next night,

the word is out in Chippendales

that I'm doing a show about them.

So, more show up. So yeah, the third night,

there's like nine Chippendales in the crowd.

And they're like, "Are you coming to our show again?"

And we're like, "Yeah!"

Three nights in a row I go to this show.

It's my lady's second night.

We have a great time. Our vaginas explode.

It's awesome. Then...

fourth night, literally, the whole cast

of Chippendales comes to the show.

I'm, like, nervous up there but, you know,

I got to deliver for the guys.

And it works. They love it. After the show,

they come back to the green room and they're like,

"Yo, are you coming--" like we're friends now.

"Are you coming back to the show?"

And my lady goes, she goes,

"Oh, guys, you are so hot and I love it

"and it's so good but two nights in a row is enough,

"so I'm gonna bow out but thank you."

And they're like, "All right."

And they looked at me,

and I looked at her,

and I went, "Bye, bitch."

And I went four nights in a row to the Chippendales.

Go see them in Vegas when it opens up

and ask to see it from the back.

You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

♪

JULIAN: One night, I asked them everything

I wanted to know, together,

because they were never together.

And I'm choosing not to cry,

so I'm not gonna say everything.

But, um, I asked why my mom left.

And she said, "Your dad was behind a cloud of smoke,"

with him sitting right there.

That's the kind of honesty you get

when you're at that point in your life.

And he just kind of, like, took it.

He understood, you know.

She's like, "I never could get all of him.

"And that's why I left."

So that was crazy,

'cause I was sober at that point

and I knew what she meant.

And she said,

"You were always so naturally talented at things--

"baseball, making friends, being funny,

"all that stuff.

"And I feel like he cut you down a lot.

"He wouldn't say he was proud of you.

"He wasn't comfortable with how easily

"people took to you, because he can't do that."

So I looked at him and I go, "You know, I never did think

"you ever really approved of any choices that I made."

And he said... [clears throat]

"Everything you've ever done is golden."

And I was just like... [imitates flood]

[clears throat] So she made sure he said that.

[clears throat]

♪