Original subtitles

♪

ARLO WEIERHAUSER: I had to be trained to

not look at the camera. [laughs]

- MAN: You did? - Because it is my...

[laughs]

♪

This is so pretty.

Gender was the first thing that I figured out

that, oh, just no thank you. I'm good.

I'm in the middle and I doesn't--

there's such extremes. [laughs]

How's it going?

MAN: How you doing?

LEONARD OUZTS: As a young kid,

I used to do plays

and I used to always get like

the small parts.

But I didn't realize they were the--

they were the comedic relief part.

So, I'm like, "Dang, you know,

"I'm not getting any big parts

where I'm really talking like--"

and then, dude's like, you know,

"You're shining in your 30 seconds

harder than the dude that's in the whole play."

♪

It always felt like this

thing that you put on and pretend to be.

A girl is this.

I'm not that but I can do those things.

It felt like a job.

It absolutely felt like a job

to be a girl.

It's not who I am.

But, God, I can learn to act.

♪

This is always what I supposed to do.

There's never been a question.

You can't find anybody I grew up with

or that came in contact with me

that'd be like "He's a comedian?"

They like, "No, never."

You can't find--you couldn't pay somebody to say that.

♪

[cheers and applause]

MAN: You guys ready to keep the show going?

- MAN: Yeah. - [cheers and applause]

MAN: Please put your hands together

for Leonard Ouzts.

♪

[cheers and applause]

How everybody doing? We all right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Cool, cool, cool.

Y'all look nice.

Yeah. I'm in a good mood.

I'm kind of famous now.

I was on a show

and I'm kind of fame-- I got famous friends.

That's how you know how important you are,

by how important your friends are.

I be hanging out with rappers and stuff now.

I did--see, rappers get a bad--

people--rappers get a bad rap, that's funny.

[laughs]

Fabolous is a rapper from Brooklyn,

good friend of mine.

Hang out with Fabolous all the time.

Learned from Fabolous. Learned from Fabolous.

Rappers are the regular people.

It's the gang members around them

that make it where it's like,

"Oh, you got to be gangster to be around them

"because they-- You can't say thank you

"around the entourage.

"You can't say thank you.

You can't have manners."

We in Atlanta,

Fabolous done took me to the club.

We done smoke weed. We done had bottles.

It's beautiful women everywhere. We leaving the club

and people just dapping him up like,

"A'ight bro. A'ight, bro.

"A'ight, bro." I'm like, no.

[laughter]

It's my turn, I get up to him,

I'm like, "Fabolous, I had a marvelous time."

[laughter]

His homeboy be like, "What the fuck

type gay shit are you on?"

"I mean, my bad." [blat blat]

- "What's crackin'?" - [laughter]

"Gang in here, nigga,"

ahh, you know.

[laughter]

Last week,

I wiped my ass with a Clorox Wipe

- and I was upset. - [laughter]

I was upset 'cause she had the Clorox Wipes

where the baby wipes supposed to be.

Everybody know the baby wipes

go on the back of the toilet, right?

- Am I lying? - [laughter]

It's not that she--

I wiped so hard

because I was in a rush.

Right? I wasn't at home and I'm at her house,

so, you know, you--you know,

I'm trying to hurry up, while it's still--

something like, "What's he doing in there?"

- Like... - [laughter]

Right? You ever--like,

I tried to doo-doo in pee-pee time,

you know what I'm talking about? Like...

I wiped hard. "Aah!"

I was like--I was like--

[laughter]

I wiped and then the shit

started sliding off the wipe.

I was like, "That's not--

What the fuck?"

How you even got Clorox Wipes in a pandemic?

That--like where did you find--

These can't be CDC-approved Clorox Wipes.

You don't spell Clorox with a Q.

I don't know what's going on.

[laughter]

I was born in Augusta, Georgia.

My dad was in the Navy.

When we moved to Japan,

we moved to Japan September 8th, 2001.

We were living in the military hotel

when 9/11 happened.

I woke up September 11th,

my mom crying--we in a hotel,

me, and my mom, my sister, my dad's gone.

All of his stuff gone.

Like, all that-- I don't know what's going on.

I didn't see my dad for like

I wanna say nine months.

That was the first time we was like,

"Oh, we in a country,

"we don't know what's going on,

and now, you gone for nine months."

Uh, he retired as one of like

the youngest Black lieutenant commanders

- ever in the Navy. - MAN: Wow.

Yeah.

Dope--both my parents college-educated.

My sister just graduated from college.

I'm really like the failure. I dropped out.

I'm the only one that didn't finish college.

I'm a weed smoker.

I like smoking weed. I love smoking weed.

I don't like how I buy weed out here.

I don't like dispensaries.

I don't like being weed from big-titty white women.

[laughter]

I do not like that.

Give me a quan-quan any day.

I miss buying weed from a motherfucker

you don't know in the middle of the mall.

You scared. He scared.

Now you mad a little bit.

You like, "Why are you scared?

"You chose to do this.

"You bought it, you broke it down.

You sent out a mass text, 'Hey, I got weed.'"

[laughter]

You can tell when the drug dealer scared, too.

They always do the same shit.

They be like, "Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on."

Yeah, why they hand at the front of them?

"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

"hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

"wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

"Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh."

- [laughter] - "Uh-uh."

Had a drug dealer do something crazy one day,

I didn't know what to do.

He got real shook. He was like,

"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

"hold on, hold on, hold on. No, walk off,

walk off, walk off."

I didn't know what to do. I followed him.

I'm like, "I don't know where we going, but..."

[laughter]

He gonna look back, see me walking behind him,

and he get a attitude,

"You gonna walk the same way I walk?"

Yes, I don't know which way to walk, sir.

I didn't take bad drug dealin' class

and know where to go.

[laughter]

Don't like dispensaries.

I like being able to guilt my drug dealer.

You ever had a drug dealer, look at him like,

"Come on, bro. That ain't--"

He be like, "All right. All right."

[laughter]

You can't do that to Ashley.

"Ashley, I don't think--" "Well, the scale says--"

[laughter]

I used to say I wanted a chick that smoke weed.

I don't know if I want you to necessarily smoke weed

'cause if you smoke weed, I smoke weed, that's a bill.

[laughter]

I just want me a shawty that'll hit the blunt,

you know what I'm talking about? I hit, like,

"Hon, bae, you wanna hit this?" She, like, "No, I'm high.

"Like, I love you. You know what?"

[laughter]

This weed be strong as hell, too.

Don't nobody say nothing about it.

The weed be strong.

I smoke weed for comfortability.

I like to be able to relax.

But sometimes you can't smoke

this relax weed in public.

[laughter]

I was in the club one night, I was so relaxed,

I was high, I ate one of my boogers in the club.

- It was a-- - [laughter]

It was a big booger, too.

You ever pull a booger out your nose

and you breathe different. You ever taste the air

after you pulled the booger out your nose?

You're like, [inhales] "Yeah, it's gonna rain next Thursday.

It's a wind chill coming from the Southeast region."

[inhales] "Yeah, Sacramento, it's a cold front, and I can--"

- [inhales] - [laughter]

I'm talking the booger had two bites on.

- Like, it was a two-bite. - [audience groans]

I'm in the club asking for hot sauce.

Y'all got no ranch or nothing

around here today?

All this oohing. Y'all eat ass,

but don't nobody eat boogers.

Y'all kill me.

I just don't understand it at this point.

I just don't get what y'all want from me.

[laughter]

Weed smoker.

I don't smoke with everybody.

Everybody don't know how to smoke.

Everybody don't know how to smoke.

Everybody don't know the rules of smoking.

Wipe your mouth off. Rule number one,

wipe your mouth off.

You juicy jaw motherfucker,

wipe your mouth off.

[laughter]

Shouldn't be no DNA on the blunt.

Shouldn't be--

Like, I understand if the tip of the blunt wet,

but why is three inch --why are you deep-throating

the marijuana, sir?

What are you doing?

I can't stand people that smoke

that don't know how to-- I smoke with people that smoke.

Like, I don't wanna smoke with nobody new.

We not finna try out. "Now, let me see if I like it."

No, I need to know you already like weed.

[laughter]

People don't never wanna pass the blunt

till they hit too hard.

You ever see somebody try not to choke?

[inhales] [coughing]

[laughter]

Why they always try to get rid of the blunt?

[coughing]

Like, now, I told you, calm down.

[laughter]

The most important rule: tell me the story

while I got the blunt.

I hate when somebody else got the blunt,

and now they remember some fucking quest they went on.

"Chronicles of Narnia".

Now, I got to listen to this bullshit,

and I'm just waiting on the weed.

My homeboy did that shit to me one time,

I wanted to kill him, I swear.

And he was telling me about somebody else dying.

That's what got me waiting. He told me what happened.

Like, "You know, Danny got shot."

I'm like, "Danny got shot?"

He like, "Shit..."

"Everybody was out this shit.

"It was me.

"It was me, Tez."

"God damn, who was out there when Danny got shot?

"It was me.

"It was me, Tez.

"Dayday got shot.

"So, he was there. It was me...

"It was me." He started asking people--

"Baby, who was out there when Dayday got shot

"and Tez went-- It was me, Tez.

"Dayday got shot,. so, he was there.

"The shooter was there,

but we don't fuck with the shooter."

[laughter]

My mom's my best friend.

My mom was the funniest person.

Just strong.

Just always a hustler.

She just was a substitute teacher.

She got her real estate license.

I watched my mom go to college

and get a business degree.

I watched her get her masters.

Moved to Japan, she started doing Pampered Chef,

which if you don't know what Pampered Chef is

that's where, you know-- you know,

how women have those parties?

Like those sex parties and stuff like that?

But it's like that, but with food.

So, instead of, like, she pull a dildo out,

she pull out, like, peach cobbler

and everybody sit around and taste it.

- [man laughs] - Then she told 'em

how to make it and stuff like that.

Uh. [laughs]

Hmm, dating?

I don't know. I--

It's hard. I don't really--

I don't--hmm, I don't-- I don't like nobody.

[laughter]

I'mma be honest, I don't like nobody

and I don't wanna write somebody a note.

Remember you used to write somebody notes?

Like, used to write notes back in like middle school,

elementary school?

Like, you know, you like, "Hey, I really think--"

You gotta twist too, like-- "I really think you are pretty."

"Pretty" be spelled wrong, but it don't matter.

[laughter]

"Do you like me?"

"Yes."

That's all mine said.

You don't got no options.

"Yes."

Hey, yes, that's how it's ending, period.

[laughter]

I was a little nasty kid, though.

Yo-yo-yo-your note

wasn't nothing but lyrics.

Song lyrics from a song you heard

you wasn't supposed to listen to.

I was a little nasty bad kid.

I had to read my note one time

and I tried to tell the teacher like,

"You don't want me--

I will read it. You don't want me to."

[laughter]

"Uh-uh. Come up here and read that note."

I'm like, "You want me to read this?

Like, this right here?"

"Come read the note." I'm like, "All right.

[clears throat]

"Girl, give me that pussy.

"Oh, oh, oh, girl."

"Get out of here." "You said read the note."

[laughter]

I'm glad y'all know Lil Webbie.

That made me feel good.

I don't have a type.

I feel like that's, you know, weird.

I do love brown-skinned women, though.

I love brown-skinned women

because brown-skinned women vagina lips

look like pancake edges.

[laughter]

I like pancakes. What can I...

I don't know.

[laughter]

People always ask me, "You like big girls?"

I'm like, I don't have a problem with big girls,

I just--you know, I just don't want nobody ugly.

You can be big. Shit, I'm big.

I'm cute, though. You can't be--

I can't be fat and you ugly,

and we walking around looking like a science project, like...

[laughter]

People tryin' to catch us like Pokemon,

like, "I choose you." Like, no, this ain't...

I like ghetto women.

I'mma be honest with you.

I like hood rats, I'm from the suburbs.

I like hood rats.

I like women that, like, got different color hair

when you see 'em.

They got like three jobs that ain't really--

they ain't certified for what they do.

That's what I like, you know what I mean? Like...

She babysitting and there's wires and forks

hanging out the outlets and shit.

Like, that's the type that I like.

[laughter]

'Cause they always got a talent that's illegal,

but if you show them how to refocus their energy,

they could be dope.

I was living in New York,

I was dating a chick from The Bronx.

She used to cook crack for her ex.

- WOMAN: [laughs] Okay. - I swear. True story.

She used to cook crack for her ex.

I taught her how to make grits.

[laughter]

WOMAN: [laughs] Whoo!

Them grits used to be whooped so thoroughly.

[laughter]

I'm talking about the grit...

[sniffles]

'Cause she locked up now. It is--

- [laughter] - AUDIENCE: Aw.

The grits be whooped so thoroughly.

I'm talking about-- I remember one time,

she used to do all types.

I was eating one time, I'm like--I'm like,

"Hmm, baby, it's good." I'm like,

"What did you do to these?" She was like,

"Oh, I cut the grits with some chicken broth."

I was like, "Bitch, you cut the grits?"

[laughter]

I ain't know you were supposed to cut the grits.

Like, that's crazy.

Like, let me get another eight ball

of them grits, then. You got...

You know, she breaking them down quarter kilos

and stuff, I'mma go ahead and fuck with it.

She got a plug on grits.

[laughter]

I've dated big girls. They cool.

They smell good. Right?

Big--I think big people normally just smell--

big girls smell-- like, they always smell

like some dessert you ain't had in a long time.

Like she was just eating that shit in the car

and then just got done.

Like, you hug her, like, [sniffs]

Like, "Bitch, is that red velvet cake?"

And she's like...

Then some motherfucking sprinkles

fall out her eyelash.

You're like, "This bitch eating all types."

I just be thinking. I'm conscientious, like,

I'm, you know, I'm 27.

I wanna have kids soon. Like, I be thinking.

Like, what if I get a big girl pregnant

and then the baby grow up,

start to walk and run and we can't catch it.

Yeah, like, we'll literally be unfit parents.

Like, how...

How am I gonna fill out a missing person report?

Like, "Well, sir, when'd you realize the baby was missing?"

I'm like, "Immediately.

I was right there when he ran off."

I was like, "Stop, son. Stop, son,"

and he kept running.

I tried to lure him back with a cookie

but I ate the cookies in the car.

There was no more cookies.

I tried to make a cookie out of the crumbs on my shirt

but I didn't have enough crumbs.

She had blinked all hers out.

There was no more crumbs.

My mom was the ratchet loose,

like, have fun, like, dirty comedy.

She loved Luenell.

She loved-- like, she's a funny person.

My dad--my dad's funny too.

I'm not gonna take nothing away from that.

But he's more like, you know, he's in the military.

He's more like, "Hey, you know,

"Watch your mouth, this, this, this."

My mama told him "You come to his show,

I don't wanna hear-- I don't care what he say.

"You don't say nothing to him about it,

"because that's-- this is his art.

"You don't have nothing to do with this.

You let him do whatever."

And so I can say anything,

and she would-- it would never--

I would never hear nothing about it.

Any time I was within driving distance,

she was always there. Any time.

- She was at everything though. - MAN: So she was--

she was a big supporter, huh?

Oh, yeah. Always at the shows.

MAN: Did she love it? Did she just love--

Say what you wanna say.

MAN: Did you ever talk about her in your stand up

that she saw?

Yeah. Yeah.

She'd always-- she always be like

"Don't you be using that in your stand-up.

"Like, you know, that's not really what people wanna hear,

just me and your conversations," but...

People having sex.

Don't nobody wanna talk about sex.

I talk about it. I'm 27.

Learning what I like, what I don't like.

What's cool.

I just like for stuff to be put

in the open. Let me know,

you know, what's going-- what's going on, right?

Like, let me know what, you know,

if we got all the right parts and stuff like that.

Like, you know, like, I had a chick,

and I'm trying to be respectful because I don't want nobody

to feel like I felt any type of way.

It was just she didn't say nothing.

She had the long labia.

Like, the lips on her vagina was regular

but she had like a tentacle

coming off each one--I swear.

It sounds cra-- that's how I felt, though.

I was like 22.

Like, what the fuck is this? Like, it's--

She had some bungee cords

hanging out of her motherfucking drawers.

I didn't know what the fuck was--

Like, I wasn't gonna-- you know, I was horny.

I wasn't gonna say nothing, but I was like, you know.

I came at her and she had do-rag handles,

like the handles from a do-rag hanging off her.

I'm like, "I came to give you head,

I came back with waves."

I didn't know what was going on.

[laughter]

I was just mad she didn't say nothing.

There was plenty of time. We went to dinner,

went to the movies.

We got back, we kissed.

I asked three times if we was gonna do something

then she finally said yeah, we kissed.

Then it's like, I took your clothes off,

I took-- you know, I had to pull--

I'm pulling your panties down, you're not saying nothing,

I'm pulling your panties.

And then, like, I keep pulling

and then there's like these little arms,

like, pulling back.

I'm pulling. She ain't saying nothing.

I'm just pulling, like, I'm pull--

and then I'm-- I pull it farther

and the arms snapped back

and then they start doing like that.

Like, you remember them little sticky hands you used to get

and you could throw them on the mirror

and peel them off?

I'm like, this is why Toys "R" Us

went out of business right here.

You got product in your drawers.

Like, this is ridiculous.

She didn't say nothing.

I'm just saying, if I had a dick

growing out the side of my dick,

soon as I take my boots off, I'mma be like,

"Hey, I'm a little different."

[laughter]

Shit crazy.

If you don't want it-- if you--

if that's not what you wanna do, it's cool.

Like, let me--don't give me no aggressive--

I don't want no aggressive, like, sexual--

like, don't--like be aggressive but don't--

I wanna like it.

I had this chick, like, she was like

"I don't wanna suck it, but I'll jack you off."

I'm like "A'ight." Then she starts jacking.

She's like, "Yeah, you like that?

I'm like... [sputtering]

She was like, "You about to come?:

I'm like, "Bitch, I'm about to throw up."

I don't know what the fuck you got going on.

You about to punch my pelvis bone in.

I--this a vagina now, bitch.

I got pussy now.

Bitch done beat the balls off me.

This is ridiculous.

I'm weird. Like, you hang out with me,

you be like, "Oh, I get how he weird."

Like, I like Christmas

but I don't fuck with Santa Claus, right?

'Cause Santa has slaves.

Don't nobody ever say shit about it.

[laughter]

We knew Santa had slaves.

We made the slaves work harder so we got our shit,

and we know who the slaves. Who was the slaves?

- AUDIENCE: The elves. - The elves?

Fuck them elves. It was the reindeer.

[laughter]

Them elves had workstations.

They had worker's comp, they had all--no, fuck them.

You ain't never seen a Christmas movie?

Them reindeer was the only people of color

- in the whole movie. - [laughter]

Think about it. Nine brothers

dragging a fat white man through the snow.

[laughter]

Sound like the opening to "Django," don't it?

[laughter]

I cannot believe--people always say the elves.

Why do--because they--people always say the elves

'cause nobody ever think about the reindeer

'cause the reindeer got white names.

The reindeer got the whitest names.

The reindeer names so white, you sing 'em.

[laughter]

♪ It's Dancer and Prancer

♪ And Dante and Jamal

- ♪ These his niggas ... - [laughter]

Taequan just got off work.

My mom died last year,

- last June. - MAN: Oh, no.

Yeah. So I've been in this-- like, most recently

I'm in this weird funk where it's like...

I don't know if I'mma find somebody

that'll love me like my mama did,

that I could feel like got my back like that,

so it's like--but then it's also where you got to not...

put everybody up against that,

you know, that pedestal like that.

I cried this morning just because, you know,

I'm like, you know, I'm about to shoot

a half hour special and my mom not gonna ever see it.

I know people are-- "Well, you know,

she's gonna watch over--" It's like, you know.

Heaven got good seats but these front row down here.

So...

She's the--you know,

she is a major part of why I was able to stay in New York.

You know, when I moved to New York, I only had like $800.

Like, she would send me a hundred dollars here,

a hundred dollars here, and it kept me afloat

while I was, you know, damn near homeless.

So it was like, to finally be able

to get on a network show,

to finally be able to do late night TV,

you know, twice, to be able to

be on a Emmy-winning show, to be able to do stuff

and then now, you telling me the person

that really was my motivation

outside of obviously wanting to do it on my own is gone.

It's like, ugh. It tastes-- it tastes different now.

I used to work at IHOP. I used to be a server at IHOP.

You know how hard it is to smoke weed,

be big, and take orders?

[laughter]

Used to feel like we was always having foreplay,

me and the customers. Like, they be ordering,

and they don't know it sound sexy.

[laughter]

Lady ordering, like, "Yeah, let me get the, uh,

let me get the pancakes."

I'm like "What type of pancakes?"

She's like "Buttermilk." I'm like "Ooh."

[laughter]

She like, "Yeah, let me get my eggs scrambled with cheese."

I'm like, "Well, what type of cheese?"

[laughter]

She said "Provolone." I said "Provolone?

I ain't never did it with the Provolone."

[laughter]

I used to work graveyard.

Graveyard is, like, by far the hardest shift.

It's like, you work nights like this.

Friday, Saturday night,

from like 10:00 PM to 6:00.

You know, IHOP not no place just finna get

upstanding people that look good like yourself.

We get, you know, we--

oftentimes we get the stragglers.

[laughter]

If you don't know what a straggler is,

it's probably because you're not one.

You leave the club at a reasonable hour

with some vagina or penis that wants to be with you.

Stragglers are the people that leave the club

by they self.

Yes. Them bitches. Them.

[laughter]

Not them specifically. I'm just saying

them type of bitches, though.

I don't know. Y'all do kind of got some straggle energy

but I'm not saying that's y'all.

- [laughter] - I'm just saying.

I remember one time Chris Brown had a concert.

And I don't know if...

just bigger girls like Chris Brown

or they was the only ones hungry after the concert.

[laughter]

And once again, I ain't got nothing--but it was weird.

Like, I'm talking about the concert over, we know it.

Like, we expect the cars to come around

and I don't know if y'all know,

big girls all ride around together

in Toyota Corollas.

- The shit was crazy. - [laughter]

They pulled up

six Corollas deep.

[laughter]

Them bitches, they look like the Power Rangers.

It was the blue Corolla, it was a red one.

[laughter]

These bitches hopped up. [imitates squealing brakes]

Well, you know, these brakes a little deeper.

[imitates straining brakes]

[laughter]

Them motherfuckers come in, like,

it was like 15 of them. so we sit them at the table.

You can always tell who the leader of the group is

'cause women always got a leader,

and it's always a big girl named Daisia.

- Now... - [laughter]

...everybody here think about it. I do know

a big bitch named Daisia right now.

You like "Yeah, Dai--"

She speak for the whole team.

Like, she just like start ordering.

Like my homegirl just stand up and start,

"Hear ye, hear ye."

- "Oh, shit." - [laughter]

This bitch started shouting out Christmas carols.

"I'll take ♪ Five scrambled eggs

"♪ Four turkey bacons

♪ Three omelets "

[laughter]

My homegirl was like, "Turn it up!"

I was like "Bitch, no, don't turn it up,

"or y'all bitches gonna have to get up

and come help cook some of this shit back here."

[laughter]

These motherfuckers ate us out of napkins.

How you eat in an establishment...

- [laughter] - ...out of napkins?

You get at least four, five flips

before you got to throw that motherfucker--

You ate us out of napkins.

[laughter]

IHOP. I used to hate bougee people coming to IHOP,

act like it's a real restaurant.

[laughter]

Right?

Like they come ordering shit that's on the menu.

Like "Dude, pancakes, it's in the name.

- Don't fuck the menu." - [laughter]

You shouldn't flip past that first page.

If you don't have good health insurance,

- stay on that first page. - [laughter]

IHOP got T-bones, but no, don't do it.

I had this lady order one one day.

It's how arrogant she was

when she ordered it that made me mad.

She was just looking, she was like, "Um, yes,

I would like the 'tuh-bone,' and..."

[laughter]

"Could you tell the chef I like it medium rare?"

- [scoffs] - [laughter]

Dude at a whole another table like, "Hey, she say 'chef'?

I'm like, "Yeah, she tripping. Hold on, I got this."

[laughter]

I got this.

Like, first off,

you want your T-bone from IHOP.

That's where this joke should end.

[laughter]

You want your T-bone from IHOP

anything other than well done,

I'mma need you to sign this health waiver.

[laughter]

'Cause we didn't even get this meat off a truck.

We got it out the trunk of an '09 Honda Accord.

[laughter]

Ain't no chef at IHOP.

It's a nigga named Breonne back there.

Oh, he didn't study abroad? No, but he killed a broad.

[laughter]

He got an ankle bracelet on right now.

You talking about chef?

Ain't no certifications or degrees

in the kitchen at IHOP.

Only degrees is first degree manslaughter

and third degree burns from that grease.

[laughter]

Goddamn chef.

MAN: If you had 24 hours with your mom right now,

how do you spend it?

Are we saying 24--like, really it's 24 hours,

or are we saying 24 hours and I got this magical plane

I can go do whatever I wanna do?

MAN: You can do whatever you wanna do.

Magical plane? Okay. Boom.

First, we gonna wake up.

We're gonna go get breakfast.

We're gonna hang out,

I'm gonna probably smoke a blunt, she gonna drink.

- Um... - [man laughs loudly]

We'll probably go get her--go get her titties done

'cause she always told me I owed her a boob job

and some ass implants

'cause me and my sister tore her body up.

So that's probably gonna take 10 hours

to get her--get her right.

MAN: [laughing] Ten hours right there. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Surgery, anesthesia, you know.

Probably take her to get a couple bags,

Louis, Gucci...

and then whatever she wanna do.

Take her to DC, get some chicken wings and mumbo sauce.

Take her past--

take her to see her family.

And then probably that last hour,

probably go do a show.

You know.

Yeah, that's how I'd spend my 24 hours with my mom.

I wanna be in a superhero movie though, man.

I wanna be in a Black superhero movie.

- [crowd applause] - And I don't mean--

Nah, don't clap, 'cause you ain't gonna like that--

I don't mean "Black Panther."

"Black Panther" is amazing.

It's one of my favorite movies.

But no, I grew up on Batman.

I grew up watching billionaire Bruce Wayne.

I grew up watching him be rich

and like it's cool, like-- Black Panther, you might say,

"Well, Black Panther, he the king of Wakanda."

Cool. I appreciate that.

You know, Black people, you know,

but Wakanda is a third-world country.

[laughter]

Right, yeah. We look good, damn.

This motherfucker can't buy me nothing in Miami.

[laughter]

Damn, I always wanted Batman.

I always wanted Batman to be Black.

I swear, that's the--

I always wanted Batman to be Black.

But Batman can't be Black.

And I get it. I understand now.

I'm a grown man. I can--

That's a childish thought for Batman to be Black.

Batman got to be white 'cause...

white men don't have lips,

and that's half of Batman costume.

[laughter]

And if you not laughing right now, look around.

I'm trying to tell you, I can stand

three white dudes up on stage right now,

cover they face like this.

I can't tell Peter, Paul, or Patrick.

[laughter]

Batman can't show up to save the day

- with no juicy-ass lips. - [laughter]

Batman can't show up like, "Stop. I'm Batman."

You be like, "Nigga, that's Steve Harvey.

- I know Steve Harvey." - [laughter]

Hey, man, thank you all so much.

I'm Leonard Outz. I appreciate y'all.

- [cheers and applause] - Thank you so much.

♪

MAN: Do you see any of your mom in you today?

Resilience, just, no matter what's gonna happen,

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna find something.

I'mma find another way for you to tell me no.

And be nice to people. You know, don't be a asshole.

Don't try to take advantage of anybody.

Don't let anybody take advantage of you.

She ain't raised no punks.

That's her saying. You know, "I ain't raise--

I ain't raised no bitches."

MAN: You guys ready for another comic?

- AUDIENCE: Yeah. - MAN: All right. Good.

The older kids that came in to our community theater,

They were just like the most--

almost hilariously flamboyant group of gay men,

and I think they were the first ones

that were able to talk about gender

in a way that made sense to me,

'cause I didn't have a realization for this.

There was nobody around me that was non-binary.

MAN: Please, tell me about this, though.

ARLO WEIERHAUSER: I identify as queer.

I'm queer, meaning that I like boys.

I also like girls.

I'd seen butch lesbians,

and I'd see gay men,

and they're-- I didn't know anybody

that felt or thought like I did.

And so, I didn't think it was real.

- [cheers and applause] - MAN: Put your hands together

for Arlo Weierhauser.

[cheers and applause]

Yo.

- Hi. - [cheers and applause]

Oh, my God. Hi, friends.

How are we?

- [audience cheers] - Yeah? So well?

- Are you having so much fun? - [audience cheers]

I'm very happy to be here.

I am. Truly, truly happy.

I, uh...

I've been updating my gender.

[laughter]

Like, not just from-- you know what I mean?

Like from way before, like seasonally.

I'm very seasonally gendered.

[laughter]

Also, like, I'm not--I'm non-binary.

And I don't know if you know what that is,

and I don't give a shit.

If you don't, I'm not in charge of you.

I don't know. You have the internet.

Figure it out, or don't. I'm not--make good choices.

Uh... [laughs]

Basically, it just means that I've been

loosely identifying as a PE teacher.

[laughter]

Thank you. You get it. Thank you.

You see it? You feel it, right?

Do you hear it? "Johnson, hustle!"

- It's right there. - [laughter]

And it's going pretty good.

It basically means that just no one's ever happy,

no matter what bathroom I choose.

Also, maybe it would be worse if they were happy.

[shudders]

He's like, "Hey, hey. No, no. No."

No one needs enthusiasm.

[laughter]

I do get, like, yelled at--

I call them conversation starters.

I get this about three times a day.

"Sir. Ma'am. Nope! Lady. Daddy. Ah..."

[laughter]

Miss...

ter...

...ry. I don't know.

Goat? Yeah. That's--yeah. Yup, yup.

[laughter]

I'll walk that one off,

which you didn't need to do.

I've been up to, I don't know, kind of a lot.

I feel like we're all kind of like,

testing theories a little bit, aren't we?

Like, maybe-- maybe willing to give

some new things a try that we didn't before.

I'd say that just to say this: I used to live in Portland,

and I got bullied into self-care.

[laughter]

I didn't want to. My version of self-care

is like vodka when the sun's up.

- Whoo-hoo! - [laughter]

But I live in Portland. You've heard of it.

It's a--it's a-- it's a silly place.

It's a silly place. It seems fun, doesn't it?

Right up until you get, like, tipped with a crystal,

and then, you're like...

[laughter]

Oh, okay. So I, uh...

I have to pay rent in like, this, realm,

you know what I mean?

And my landlord is not historically impressed

- with, like, cool rocks. So... - [laughter]

...it seems like a fun place.

It's very silly.

I got bullied into self-care.

Like, I got... [sighs]

to be friends with, like, bossy witches,

I don't know.

Yeah. I don't feel like this is a crowd for that,

- but I'm just floating it. - [laughter]

I don't think that you've been subjected

to the peer pressure that is a coven...

[laughter]

...but they're very persuasive.

They're like, "Go hike." Fuck you.

I'm not--like, I'm, like, butch in a way.

Like, it looks like I wanna go camping all the time.

I don't. I do not.

- I'm a prissy, prissy butch. - [laughter]

My folks are both from California.

They kind of got onboard with like,

kind of hippie movement to Oregon, to like--

They bought a ranch,

wanted to grow their own food, and they did.

We got really involved with, like, a Baptist Church,

like a fundamental,

cosplaying for Jesus Baptist Church.

Our church operated out of a grange,

which is basically just a shell of a barn

with--complete with bats, and one wood burning stove,

Like, this is like, pioneer days-type church.

So, very small community.

Our church went on the road with our pastor,

a bunch of Winnebagos.

- MAN: No. You did road gigs? - To--yeah.

To sell his sermons on VHS.

You're never gonna guess-- it didn't go well.

No one bought them. Lost all their money.

[man laughs loudly]

They convinced, like, all these dads in the church

to buy Winnebagos, and then, go--

we got as far as, like, South Dakota.

And it was like, "We gotta get the fuck out of here.

This is ridiculous. We gotta go and turn back around."

I got tricked into using a neti pot.

That's a--that's--okay.

Yup. You have too, huh? Ha-ha.

That's a true thing.

If you don't know what a neti pot is,

bless your heart. You're doing perfect.

You're doing absolutely spectacular.

It's a fake thing. It's a make-them-up thing.

They're supposed to like, solve allergies

by rinsing the inside of your face out.

All right.

I don't think that's real, and if it was,

I think I would have been fixed

from that one time that I almost drowned at the wave pool.

- Do you understand? - [laughter]

No. Neti pot is just this thing

that your hilarious friend pranks you with.

Fuck you, Willow.

What you do is you take the tiniest little tea pot

that you ever did see,

and you fill it full of saline and witchcraft, I'm pretty sure.

And that what you're supposed to do--it's like a 2-step process.

You're supposed to bend all the way over,

and then, try to forget

that Benadryl is a drug that you can buy

at any store.

Like, literally, anywhere, gas stations even.

You just push that out of your head

a hundred percent.

And the next part is trickier.

The next part is you're supposed to willingly

pour liquid into the wrong hole in your face.

What?! Yeah. I don't think--

It's a real test of faith.

I don't know if you are like me,

but we've spent our whole lives

trying to keep stuff out of there, you know what I mean?

You're supposed to pour it into your nose.

Just let go and let God. It is wild.

It is crazy.

And then the liquid-- get this--

it's supposed to,

just like "Lord of the Rings" its way

through your face. I'm sorry.

Nothing's ever done that before.

I got so far as pouring it all the way in,

and then I was like, "Wait a minute.

"I'm pretty sure there's a barrier in between there."

Isn't there? Otherwise,

I could pick my nose the whole way through.

Am I crazy? No.

That was a big mistake. Poured it in, sat bolt upright.

Ahh. Don't do that.

That's how you can drown to death, team. Heads up.

Yeah. That's a fun story of how I waterboarded

- my goddamn myself. Yeah. - [laughter]

And we all learned I don't stand up

- to interrogation. - [laughter]

I started

having problems

with the indoctrination

with the church teachings way too early on.

Got kicked out of Sunday school.

Tower of Babel, specifically.

My best friend, I was--

this little girl, who was adopted from Colombia,

and the lesson that I received

was that God separated races on purpose,

and that is how things are, and I lost my mind,

- MAN: That was bullshit. - I'm like, "What do you mean?

That's my best friend," and they're like,

"This isn't what we're talking about."

The other time it came up really early on

was I was obsessed with Andre the Giant.

So Andre, Giant,

in my head, David, Goliath, same dude.

And you're trying to tell me that a rock took him down?

I've seen Andre take tables. Like, that's not real.

So I doubted it because of wrestling,

which seems backwards.

But I was like, "No. I know what he can take.

There's no way a rock brought that down."

They're like, "Out of Sunday school again."

You can't be questioning stuff.

I've mostly just been, uh,

looking up COVID symptoms? I don't know.

And then just being like, "Yeah.

"And I thought I was feeling that.

"I did. I did think I was...

feeling that." I found--

I found a test I want to pass onto you

'cause it's been-- it's been very useful for me.

And that is, if you get in your head about it--

'cause I know we all do a little bit, right?

Even if we're, like, feeling pretty confident

that we've been safe, we've been fine,

but you know you get in your head.

And you're like, "I don't know, that might have been a tickle.

- This might be it." - [laughter]

Here's what you do. Look at a picture of a pug.

And if you immediately feel better, you're fine.

Get outta here. Stop it.

That's what they're magic for. Oh, they're so good.

This is like a fun little inside brain hack.

You can just look at a picture of a pug

and feel immediately better.

And you're like, "Jesus Christ, you are...

"pretty fucked up, yeah.

"I am fine.

What was I on about? Look at you."

I love pugs. They're my favorite.

Like, genre of dog, you know what I mean?

They're spectacular.

Heads up, though--if you think about pugs for, like,

like, too long, ahh!

You will get sad again. So heads up.

Yeah. Because you'll remember, eventually, that like,

we made those, you know what I mean?

We did that. See, that's on us.

We should be in prison. Maybe. I don't know.

It's-- and we started with wolves,

you know that, right? We started with a wolf.

And then, some entrepreneurial asshole

saw a wolf, and was like,

"Yeah, I hate everything about that.

"I'm gonna see if I can make a potato today.

"Yeah.

"I'm gonna screw that thing all the way up. Absolutely.

"I wanna make a little tube of stupid.

That's what I want."

I don't know. Speaking of wolves,

I'll, uh-- I'll tell you my, uh,

I don't know, origin story.

Is that okay? Is that good? Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I--that was very sweet of you. Thank you.

I got raised out in the woods. Very fun as a kid.

I also got raised in a single-parent home.

I got the dad. Oh, my God.

I can't recommend that enough.

It is a hoot, team. It is so much fun.

Are you kidding? Just a loose dad?

Oh, boy. It is a ton of fun.

It's like a-- having a parent, right?

- But like no supervision. - [laughter]

Whatsoever. He builds an Ewok tree fort

for us in the backyard.

And then, fed us like jerky for dinner.

And then was like, "Gotta go to work.

Have fun out there, team."

- The best. - [laughter]

It's pretty fun. It was a period of our childhood

where I felt, like, a little bit, like, jealous,

I guess, of other kids. I realized I was having

a very different childhood,

than a lot of kids that I grew up with.

Like, I don't know what you guys got,

like, notes in your lunches.

All right.

Or, like, lunches or whatever.

- All right. - [laughter]

Or hugs? I'm fine. I turned out great.

Or tampon instructions? It's fine. I figured it out.

[laughter]

What I did get, I think, is absolutely the best thing

that my dad could have possibly done.

He did what I like to think of as

employ some very creative parenting solutions,

and that was perusing a newspaper.

And he stumbled across an ad

- that read "wolf puppies." - [laughter]

"On sale."

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And as a dad, you know,

it's illegal to pass up a deal.

Uh, so he--he got after that immediately.

And he bought a pack.

- Yeah. - [laughter]

To raise us.

I got raised by wolves. You guys, I win. I win. I win.

When I was six, we were in a car accident,

my little sister and I, with my mom.

A trucker had broken down,

but hadn't set up any flares.

And so, when we came around the corner,

there was just no stopping,

and so we just barreled right into him.

And the whole front of the van, and then, I woke up.

I remember being on the hospital and being pissed

that they were cutting open my shirt.

And I was like, "No. I like this shirt."

Like, I didn't-- [laughs]

Like, you're six, you're not getting the big picture.

- MAN: Sure. No, no. Yeah. - And then, on top of that,

nobody wanted to tell this six- and three-year-old

their mom had died,

so we didn't know for a couple days.

- MAN: Days? - Yeah.

People in the church

don't wanna lay on a kid

the reality of mortality,

and it kind of messes up your, like,

ability to process death, you know what I mean?

And it instilled this, like,

not quite like OCD, but definitely obsessive

to an extent, want for perfection.

Absolute "A"s across the board.

Constantly trying to, like, take care of my sister as well

and always have eyes on her.

And then on top of that, there's this other element

that if you're good enough, pure enough, love Christ enough,

that you'll get to see your mom.

You'll get to, you know, join your mom, Heaven on high.

You learn a lot, I will say this.

You learn a lot from wolves,

and you learn fucking quickly, do you understand?

- [laughter] - Like, so fast.

Like, if you, like, managed to annoy a wolf,

uh, rule number one is, like, don't run,

- you know what I mean? - [laughter]

Because they will chase you and catch you. [laughs]

They're super good at it, they are built...

- [laughter] - ...yeah, for basically that.

[laughs] For catching squishy kids.

[laughter]

Also, another thing they don't really,

I feel like, touch on enough

in wolf documentaries is that, uh,

they don't bark, do you know that?

They can. They just, hmm, fucking don't need to.

- Do you understand? - [laughter]

They're far more effective communicators than that.

Turns out, a wolf can just show up.

Are you kidding?

You're like, "Message received."

Then get the fuck out of here.

- Incredible communicators. - [laughter]

They can bark. We had three wolves.

Well, we had five altogether,

that's another--uh... [laughs]

We had three wolves, and, uh,

I only heard one of them bark one time,

and that was because my dad brought over his,

uh, his hunting buddy,

and his hunting buddy had a Rottweiler.

And the hunting buddy forgot that we had wolves!

Just wolves. Like, everyone knew it.

Everyone way out in the country, but still,

everyone knew that we had wolves, you understand?

Like, my teachers knew. They brought it up sometimes.

They're like, "Yeah, that's that Weierhauser kid.

- They got wolves." - [laughter]

"They don't have to turn in their homework."

- [laughter] - Like, our neighbor

used to have sheep, do you understand?

[laughter]

People knew what was going on at our house. [laughs]

A hunting buddy brought over his Rottweiler

and left it outside in the truck,

and the wolves just started circling it like a shark.

They didn't kill him. Calm down.

[laughter]

The wolves started circling it like a shark,

and I don't know if you've ever heard a Rottweiler

just pitch an entire fit and lose his every-loving mind,

but I did. And that Rottweiler

was just like, "Hey! Hey! Hey!

"There's! Wolves! Out! Here!

"I don't know if you know that,

but could I be an inside dog? Please come get me."

And one wolf just let out one big "Woof!"

and I heard a Rottweilersay,

"Oh, I've been meaning to shut the fuck up.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no.

"No, I don't really wanna make eye contact right this second.

"No, I don't, actually. No, I'm peeing,

but yeah, I wanna be, so that's fine."

I also realized that, like, I had very different chores

than, like, the kids I grew up with.

Like, one of my chores in the morning

was to gather up the wolves.

- [laughter] - First of all, what a task.

Uh, I was just busy, being seven.

- Uh... - [laughter]

Yeah, the whole time. And, uh, my job was to, uh,

gather up the wolves with the garden hose,

and then, to spray off their, um,

- their, like, blood beard? - [laughter]

It's just a beard of blood. It's right in the title.

You get it. You got it. You're very--you're very smart.

And it was just the leftovers from hunting Bambi's friends

for, uh, for breakfast. Yeah. [laughs]

And I had to get that all the way off, uh,

because the wolves would follow us

down to the bus stop every morning,

and if I didn't get off all the blood and guts,

all the kids on the bus would see the wolves and cry.

- Oh. - [laughter]

I don't know if you were responsible

for the emotional well-being

of the only 30 kids you knew,

but, ha, it's a pretty fun chore.

[laughter]

My sister and I were always super, super, super close.

Uh, fought ferociously

because we loved each other tremendously.

She lived in Oregon, I was living in San Francisco.

I got a call from her friend,

and, uh, knew something was wrong

immediately, at such a core,

base, lizard-brain level,

It was the day before her birthday,

and, uh, she took her own life on our mom's birthday

the day before she turned,

uh, 27.

And I lost my fucking mind.

I went into just, uh, like--

I don't know. Like, I lost--I lost it.

I started to see a grief therapist,

um, started to unpack what the trauma,

not just for my little sister's death, but for our mom's.

And that shit just gets compounded in there.

And I would just spend, uh, an hour, like, at first,

like, I think twice or three times a week.

It was the only thing that I could do,

is go and cry in front of this very nice lady.

Um, but she's--she would--

she enjoyed my stories,

and she made sure that I knew that,

and also was being heard as well,

and she would be laughing a little bit.

I'd be absolutely crying,

but a little bit entertaining,

and she's the one that suggested

that I got into standup comedy.

She says to me... [laughs]

- MAN: A grief therapist-- - Yeah.

- MAN: --tells you-- - "Have you ever thought

about standup comedy?" What? [laughs]

Why? Why? Why? And she's like,

"I've been thinking about it, and I think you'd be

"really good at it. I think it might be

something good or helpful for you to get into."

And I was like, "It's pretty fucking rude,

I think, of you." [laughs]

Being raised by wolves, I think, makes me--makes me seem

- fucking cool. Uh... - [laughter]

I would say, uh, I'm not brave,

definitely not brave, I know this,

because I've seen a scary movie and it fucking worked on me,

you know what I mean? And then, never again.

Have you fallen for true crime? Have you been

tricked into watching true crime?

Yeah, I hate it more than anything.

Okay. Yeah. And probably a straight lady.

Sorry, I just-- it's demographics alone.

That's how I got tricked into watching it,

is 'cause I got straight lady friends.

- Not to brag, just... - [laughter]

- I don't mean to brag. - [laughter]

But they're, like, obsessed with it,

Every straight lady friend that I know is, like,

"Oh, I'm watching some true crime."

- Sis, why? - [laughter]

Like, it doesn't go good for you, you know what I mean?

Like, you're the star of every episode, but...

Oh, boy. I think that we could cut down on, like,

a lot of investigation time in true crime

if we just all agreed to make sheds see-through.

[laughter]

Like, all of them probably, right?

Why do you keep your lawnmower so secret, Dale, hmm?

- [laughter] - Is there a lady in there?

- Maybe. - [laughter]

Not brave.

I felt like I was brave one time.

When I turned 18, I went skydiving.

Has anyone been skydiving?

Make some noise. Give us a clap.

- [cheers and applause] - Very brave, very brave.

Cavalier man. Yes. I love this about you.

For those that don't know,

there is a ton they don't tell you.

- [laughter] - First thing

that you should know is that you get issued a man,

a much older, just tax-paying man.

[laughter]

And then, he straps himself to the back of your body.

- [laughter] - And you're just, like, 18,

queer as Christmas, being like, "Is this part of it?"

- [laughter] - It is. It's a big part,

- and I want you to be prepared. - [laughter]

If you do go. Yeah, you wear them

like a backpack for, like, a while,

for a lot of the day. You don't switch or nothing,

He's the big spoon, the whole time. It's...

[laughter]

It's kind of a lot to get used to,

you know what I mean? [laughs]

The other thing that you should know about skydiving day

is that you're so nervous,

you kind of can't control the fact that you're, like...

farting. I'm sorry.

You're tooting up a storm.

- You're so scared. - [laughter]

And with Chad or whatever back there--

we're gonna call him that because that seems easy--

--you're basically just farting into a man's lap.

- [laughter] - Do you understand?

He knows it. It's stinky. It's warm. He's acutely aware,

You paid a lot of money for this.

That makes it weirder.

- [laughter] - For sure.

- [laughter] - I was in high school,

and I was like, "I'm bi."

You live with this constant,

like, fear and frustration

that you're going to get outed,

that you're gonna get screamed out of the locker room,

that you're gonna get absolutely bullied

or get your--the shit get kicked out of you as well,

at all times, for being this.

And then it started to get, uh,

I don't know, a lot more fun to be a person.

Like, it started to melt away. I started smoking weed.

Uh, all the band kids are stoners,

and all the theater kids are the horniest children

who have ever--oh, it's disgusting. Disgusting.

- MAN: Everybody has said that. - [laughs] Absolutely.

These are universal truths. [laughs]

I don't know if you've ever had the distinct pleasure

of, like, pissing [laughs] into the wind.

[laughter]

But spit works much on the same physics,

do you understand? So the first thing that we did,

uh, was jump out of an airplane, and then, I turned around,

and just coated him, team, by accident, oopsie-doodle.

Didn't mean to, by any-- by any means, whatsoever.

Just spit in a whole man's face.

I've been farting into his lap

for about 30 minutes, and then I spit all over him.

It was not a great start, - you know what I mean?

And then, I immediately also forgot

all the safety instructions that we learned on the ground,

which is hilarious, because it's a seven-second,

"All right. When you jump out, make like a flying squirrel,

Get up there." [laughs] That's it.

And I forgot because I didn't wanna be a flying squirrel.

I was falling to the ground like an acorn,

do you understand? [laughs]

I was fetal, fully tucked in.

I didn't wanna give my arms up.

They're like, "Put your arms up like you don't care

when you get up there." But I did, I cared a lot.

- [laughter] - I did more than ever.

And sneaky Chad's, like, bopping me on the back,

and being like, "Put your arms out."

I'm like, "No, thank you." [laughs]

"I don't really want to," you know.

But he hit me pretty hard and I was like,

"Okay. Point taken." [laughs]

So I threw my arms out, like I didn't care.

Oh, God. But I did.

And my shirt came up immediately all the way to my tits.

- Aah! Okay. - [laughter]

And this is the part where I need to inform you

that, um, not only do you fall to the ground

with a whole man,

but there's another person that exits the vehicle

or whatever with you... [laughs]

and that's the cinematographer.

- [laughter] - Yeah, it's just a nice lady

with a VHS camcorder duct-taped to her helmet.

A lady, I will remind you,

that I wanted to be strapped to in the first place.

[laughter]

But here we are. And what should be,

like, seven seconds of, like, very embarrassing footage

of my belly, you know what I mean? [laughs]

Is now slowed down,

because this is where they chose to get cinematic.

- [laughter] - Like, a minute and a half

of just zoomed-in footage

of just my belly rippling violently...

- [laughter] - ...in the wind.

Set to Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'."

All right. That's nice.

[laughter]

You get, uh, you get a little closer

to the ground, you start realizing that

those, like, dirty, dirty sheep are getting bigger.

[laughs] And I'm gonna be honest,

it feels like you're coming in faster than you should be.

Why? 'Cause we were. We were coming in a lot faster

than we should have been. And I also know that

because stinky Chad piped up and was like,

"Hey, we're coming in way faster than we should be."

So he tells me, "I need you to anticipate the landing.

We didn't cover this in the seven seconds

of safety precautions that we did on the goddamn ground,

do you understand?

We didn't cover how we do "anticipate landing."

What I do in the video, I think is hilarious,

because what I do is strike a Spiderman pose?

- [laughter] - What was my plan?

Just, like, grip the Earth as it goes by?

No. He's like, "No, like, pump your legs.

We're gonna be coming in at a run."

And I was like, "Oh.

"I don't know how to tell you this, buddy.

I am not much of a jogger," you know what I mean?

I'm more of a theater kid myself.

You don't give a shit. No, I hear it.

That's fine. Yup. A hundred percent hear it.

He's like, "Pump your legs, we're gonna run."

"Well, we're--you're--

you're gonna run."

- [laughter] - "Probably more than

"this side of the harness, you know what I mean?

"I mean, more running, less running.

Do you get that?" He's like, "Pump your legs!"

- [laughter] - And what's happened,

I will remind you, is that I'm dead

from the waist down, and I have no idea.

All the blood and holy fluids have been cut off

in the sky, way up there.

And so, what happens on the tape is hilarious

because you can see the top half of my body

fully committing to a goddamn run!

And the bottom half of my body is just loose,

- flapping in the wind. - [laughter]

My legs are just out here, kicking his butt from the back,

do you understand?

And he thinks I'm fucking with him.

And I get it, because I farted in his lap,

and I spit all over his face,

and now I'm, like, "Fuck you, buddy."

So he gets pissed, and I get it.

Like, I understand.

So what he does is take the entire landing for both of us,

out and around my body.

Meanwhile, my legs are just dragging

through a dirt field.

We didn't even come to a whole stop

before he just unhooked me and sent me to the ground,

and was like, "Find your own way back."

[laughter]

- Thank you so much. - [cheers and applause]

I've been Arlo Weierhauser. You all have been fantastic.

I love you, I appreciate you. Good night!

[cheers and applause]

MAN: What is it that you miss about

your sister the most?

[laughs] Uh, the, um, fights that would turn into

the funniest shit I've ever heard.

Uh, she was absolutely the funniest person

that I've ever met in my life.

Uh, the phone calls would--

she revealed to me that she learned that day

that when you go to get your tires rotated,

they don't just spin them backwards.

- You fucking idiot. - [man laughs]

We used to watch the dog shows together,

like the AKC dog shows, and she tells me,

"You know who looks good this year?

You know who looks good this year?"

"And what is that?" "The, uh, the douche-hound?

How do you say that?"

"Are you saying 'dachshund'?"

"No, I think it's a douche-hound."

"No, it's not. That's a dachshund."

She swore up and down for like two days

that it was called a "douche-hound,"

and then we laughed about that for forever.

The inside jokes, and absolutely the fights,

I miss the fights, too. Yeah.

♪