All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e07_English

♪

ARLO WEIERHAUSER:
I had to be trained to

not look at the camera.
[laughs]

- MAN: You did?
- Because it is my...

[laughs]

♪

This is so pretty.

Gender was the first thing
that I figured out

that, oh, just no thank you.
I'm good.

I'm in the middle
and I doesn't--

there's such extremes. [laughs]

How's it going?

MAN: How you doing?

LEONARD OUZTS: As a young kid,

I used to do plays

and I used to always get like

the small parts.

But I didn't realize
they were the--

they were the comedic
relief part.

So, I'm like, "Dang, you know,

"I'm not getting any big parts

where I'm
really talking like--"

and then,
dude's like, you know,

"You're shining
in your 30 seconds

harder than the dude
that's in the whole play."

♪

It always felt like this

thing that you put on
and pretend to be.

A girl is this.

I'm not that
but I can do those things.

It felt like a job.

It absolutely felt like a job

to be a girl.

It's not who I am.

But, God, I can learn to act.

♪

This is always
what I supposed to do.

There's never been a question.

You can't find anybody
I grew up with

or that came in contact with me

that'd be like
"He's a comedian?"

They like, "No, never."

You can't find--you couldn't
pay somebody to say that.

♪

[cheers and applause]

MAN: You guys ready
to keep the show going?

- MAN: Yeah.
- [cheers and applause]

MAN:
Please put your hands together

for Leonard Ouzts.

♪

[cheers and applause]

How everybody doing?
We all right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Cool, cool, cool.

Y'all look nice.

Yeah. I'm in a good mood.

I'm kind of famous now.

I was on a show

and I'm kind of fame--
I got famous friends.

That's how you know
how important you are,

by how important
your friends are.

I be hanging out
with rappers and stuff now.

I did--see,
rappers get a bad--

people--rappers get a bad rap,
that's funny.

[laughs]

Fabolous is a rapper
from Brooklyn,

good friend of mine.

Hang out with Fabolous
all the time.

Learned from Fabolous.
Learned from Fabolous.

Rappers are the regular people.

It's the gang members
around them

that make it
where it's like,

"Oh, you got to be gangster
to be around them

"because they--
You can't say thank you

"around the entourage.

"You can't say thank you.

You can't have manners."

We in Atlanta,

Fabolous done took me
to the club.

We done smoke weed.
We done had bottles.

It's beautiful women everywhere.
We leaving the club

and people just dapping
him up like,

"A'ight bro.
A'ight, bro.

"A'ight, bro."
I'm like, no.

[laughter]

It's my turn, I get up to him,

I'm like, "Fabolous,
I had a marvelous time."

[laughter]

His homeboy be like,
"What the fuck

type gay shit are you on?"

"I mean, my bad."
[blat blat]

- "What's crackin'?"
- [laughter]

"Gang in here, nigga,"

ahh, you know.

[laughter]

Last week,

I wiped my ass
with a Clorox Wipe

- and I was upset.
- [laughter]

I was upset 'cause
she had the Clorox Wipes

where the baby wipes
supposed to be.

Everybody know the baby wipes

go on the back of the toilet,
right?

- Am I lying?
- [laughter]

It's not that she--

I wiped so hard

because I was in a rush.

Right? I wasn't at home
and I'm at her house,

so, you know, you--you know,

I'm trying to hurry up,
while it's still--

something like,
"What's he doing in there?"

- Like...
- [laughter]

Right? You ever--like,

I tried to doo-doo
in pee-pee time,

you know what I'm talking about?
Like...

I wiped hard. "Aah!"

I was like--I was like--

[laughter]

I wiped and then the shit

started sliding off the wipe.

I was like, "That's not--

What the fuck?"

How you even got Clorox Wipes
in a pandemic?

That--like where did you find--

These can't be CDC-approved
Clorox Wipes.

You don't spell Clorox with a Q.

I don't know what's going on.

[laughter]

I was born
in Augusta, Georgia.

My dad was in the Navy.

When we moved to Japan,

we moved to Japan
September 8th, 2001.

We were living
in the military hotel

when 9/11 happened.

I woke up September 11th,

my mom crying--we in a hotel,

me, and my mom, my sister,
my dad's gone.

All of his stuff gone.

Like, all that--
I don't know what's going on.

I didn't see my dad for like

I wanna say nine months.

That was the first time
we was like,

"Oh, we in a country,

"we don't know what's going on,

and now,
you gone for nine months."

Uh, he retired as one of like

the youngest Black
lieutenant commanders

- ever in the Navy.
- MAN: Wow.

Yeah.

Dope--both my parents
college-educated.

My sister just graduated
from college.

I'm really like the failure.
I dropped out.

I'm the only one
that didn't finish college.

I'm a weed smoker.

I like smoking weed.
I love smoking weed.

I don't like
how I buy weed out here.

I don't like dispensaries.

I don't like being weed
from big-titty white women.

[laughter]

I do not like that.

Give me a quan-quan any day.

I miss buying weed
from a motherfucker

you don't know
in the middle of the mall.

You scared.
He scared.

Now you mad a little bit.

You like, "Why are you scared?

"You chose to do this.

"You bought it,
you broke it down.

You sent out a mass text,
'Hey, I got weed.'"

[laughter]

You can tell when
the drug dealer scared, too.

They always do the same shit.

They be like, "Hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on."

Yeah, why they hand
at the front of them?

"Hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on,

"hold on, hold on, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,

"wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

"Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

"Uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh, uh-uh."

- [laughter]
- "Uh-uh."

Had a drug dealer do
something crazy one day,

I didn't know what to do.

He got real shook.
He was like,

"Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on,

"hold on, hold on, hold on.
No, walk off,

walk off, walk off."

I didn't know what to do.
I followed him.

I'm like, "I don't know
where we going, but..."

[laughter]

He gonna look back,
see me walking behind him,

and he get a attitude,

"You gonna walk
the same way I walk?"

Yes, I don't know
which way to walk, sir.

I didn't take
bad drug dealin' class

and know where to go.

[laughter]

Don't like dispensaries.

I like being able to guilt
my drug dealer.

You ever had a drug dealer,
look at him like,

"Come on, bro. That ain't--"

He be like,
"All right. All right."

[laughter]

You can't do that to Ashley.

"Ashley, I don't think--"
"Well, the scale says--"

[laughter]

I used to say I wanted a chick
that smoke weed.

I don't know if I want you to
necessarily smoke weed

'cause if you smoke weed,
I smoke weed, that's a bill.

[laughter]

I just want me a shawty
that'll hit the blunt,

you know what I'm talking about?
I hit, like,

"Hon, bae, you wanna hit this?"
She, like, "No, I'm high.

"Like, I love you.
You know what?"

[laughter]

This weed be strong
as hell, too.

Don't nobody
say nothing about it.

The weed be strong.

I smoke weed for comfortability.

I like to be able to relax.

But sometimes you can't smoke

this relax weed in public.

[laughter]

I was in the club one night,
I was so relaxed,

I was high, I ate one
of my boogers in the club.

- It was a--
- [laughter]

It was a big booger, too.

You ever pull a booger
out your nose

and you breathe different.
You ever taste the air

after you pulled the booger
out your nose?

You're like, [inhales] "Yeah,
it's gonna rain next Thursday.

It's a wind chill coming
from the Southeast region."

[inhales] "Yeah, Sacramento,
it's a cold front, and I can--"

- [inhales]
- [laughter]

I'm talking the booger
had two bites on.

- Like, it was a two-bite.
- [audience groans]

I'm in the club
asking for hot sauce.

Y'all got no ranch or nothing

around here today?

All this oohing.
Y'all eat ass,

but don't nobody eat boogers.

Y'all kill me.

I just don't understand it
at this point.

I just don't get
what y'all want from me.

[laughter]

Weed smoker.

I don't smoke with everybody.

Everybody don't know
how to smoke.

Everybody don't know
how to smoke.

Everybody don't know
the rules of smoking.

Wipe your mouth off.
Rule number one,

wipe your mouth off.

You juicy jaw motherfucker,

wipe your mouth off.

[laughter]

Shouldn't be
no DNA on the blunt.

Shouldn't be--

Like, I understand
if the tip of the blunt wet,

but why is three inch
--why are you deep-throating

the marijuana, sir?

What are you doing?

I can't stand people that smoke

that don't know how to--
I smoke with people that smoke.

Like, I don't wanna smoke
with nobody new.

We not finna try out.
"Now, let me see if I like it."

No, I need to know you
already like weed.

[laughter]

People don't never wanna
pass the blunt

till they hit too hard.

You ever see somebody try
not to choke?

[inhales]
[coughing]

[laughter]

Why they always try
to get rid of the blunt?

[coughing]

Like, now,
I told you, calm down.

[laughter]

The most important rule:
tell me the story

while I got the blunt.

I hate when somebody else
got the blunt,

and now they remember
some fucking quest they went on.

"Chronicles of Narnia".

Now, I got to listen
to this bullshit,

and I'm just waiting
on the weed.

My homeboy did that shit
to me one time,

I wanted to kill him,
I swear.

And he was telling me
about somebody else dying.

That's what got me waiting.
He told me what happened.

Like, "You know,
Danny got shot."

I'm like, "Danny got shot?"

He like, "Shit..."

"Everybody was out this shit.

"It was me.

"It was me, Tez."

"God damn, who was out there
when Danny got shot?

"It was me.

"It was me, Tez.

"Dayday got shot.

"So, he was there.
It was me...

"It was me."
He started asking people--

"Baby, who was out there
when Dayday got shot

"and Tez went--
It was me, Tez.

"Dayday got shot,.
so, he was there.

"The shooter was there,

but we don't fuck
with the shooter."

[laughter]

My mom's my best friend.

My mom was the funniest person.

Just strong.

Just always a hustler.

She just was
a substitute teacher.

She got her real estate license.

I watched my mom go to college

and get a business degree.

I watched her get her masters.

Moved to Japan,
she started doing Pampered Chef,

which if you don't know
what Pampered Chef is

that's where, you know--
you know,

how women have those parties?

Like those sex parties
and stuff like that?

But it's like that,
but with food.

So, instead of, like,
she pull a dildo out,

she pull out,
like, peach cobbler

and everybody sit around
and taste it.

- [man laughs]
- Then she told 'em

how to make it
and stuff like that.

Uh. [laughs]

Hmm, dating?

I don't know. I--

It's hard. I don't really--

I don't--hmm, I don't--
I don't like nobody.

[laughter]

I'mma be honest,
I don't like nobody

and I don't wanna
write somebody a note.

Remember you used
to write somebody notes?

Like, used to write notes back
in like middle school,

elementary school?

Like, you know, you like,
"Hey, I really think--"

You gotta twist too, like--
"I really think you are pretty."

"Pretty" be spelled wrong,
but it don't matter.

[laughter]

"Do you like me?"

"Yes."

That's all mine said.

You don't got no options.

"Yes."

Hey, yes, that's how
it's ending, period.

[laughter]

I was a little nasty kid,
though.

Yo-yo-yo-your note

wasn't nothing but lyrics.

Song lyrics
from a song you heard

you wasn't supposed
to listen to.

I was a little nasty bad kid.

I had to read my note one time

and I tried to tell
the teacher like,

"You don't want me--

I will read it.
You don't want me to."

[laughter]

"Uh-uh. Come up here
and read that note."

I'm like, "You want me
to read this?

Like, this right here?"

"Come read the note."
I'm like, "All right.

[clears throat]

"Girl, give me that pussy.

"Oh, oh, oh, girl."

"Get out of here."
"You said read the note."

[laughter]

I'm glad y'all know
Lil Webbie.

That made me feel good.

I don't have a type.

I feel like that's,
you know, weird.

I do love brown-skinned
women, though.

I love brown-skinned women

because brown-skinned women
vagina lips

look like pancake edges.

[laughter]

I like pancakes.
What can I...

I don't know.

[laughter]

People always ask me,
"You like big girls?"

I'm like, I don't have a problem
with big girls,

I just--you know,
I just don't want nobody ugly.

You can be big.
Shit, I'm big.

I'm cute, though.
You can't be--

I can't be fat and you ugly,

and we walking around looking
like a science project, like...

[laughter]

People tryin' to catch us
like Pokemon,

like, "I choose you."
Like, no, this ain't...

I like ghetto women.

I'mma be honest with you.

I like hood rats,
I'm from the suburbs.

I like hood rats.

I like women that,
like, got different color hair

when you see 'em.

They got like three jobs
that ain't really--

they ain't certified
for what they do.

That's what I like,
you know what I mean? Like...

She babysitting
and there's wires and forks

hanging out
the outlets and shit.

Like, that's the type
that I like.

[laughter]

'Cause they always got
a talent that's illegal,

but if you show them
how to refocus their energy,

they could be dope.

I was living in New York,

I was dating a chick
from The Bronx.

She used to cook crack
for her ex.

- WOMAN: [laughs] Okay.
- I swear. True story.

She used to cook crack
for her ex.

I taught her how to make grits.

[laughter]

WOMAN: [laughs] Whoo!

Them grits used to be
whooped so thoroughly.

[laughter]

I'm talking about the grit...

[sniffles]

'Cause she locked up now.
It is--

- [laughter]
- AUDIENCE: Aw.

The grits be whooped
so thoroughly.

I'm talking about--
I remember one time,

she used to do all types.

I was eating one time,
I'm like--I'm like,

"Hmm, baby, it's good."
I'm like,

"What did you do to these?"
She was like,

"Oh, I cut the grits
with some chicken broth."

I was like,
"Bitch, you cut the grits?"

[laughter]

I ain't know you were supposed
to cut the grits.

Like, that's crazy.

Like, let me get
another eight ball

of them grits, then.
You got...

You know, she breaking
them down quarter kilos

and stuff, I'mma go ahead
and fuck with it.

She got a plug on grits.

[laughter]

I've dated big girls.
They cool.

They smell good. Right?

Big--I think big people
normally just smell--

big girls smell--
like, they always smell

like some dessert
you ain't had in a long time.

Like she was just eating
that shit in the car

and then just got done.

Like, you hug her, like,
[sniffs]

Like, "Bitch,
is that red velvet cake?"

And she's like...

Then some motherfucking
sprinkles

fall out her eyelash.

You're like,
"This bitch eating all types."

I just be thinking.
I'm conscientious, like,

I'm, you know, I'm 27.

I wanna have kids soon.
Like, I be thinking.

Like, what if I get
a big girl pregnant

and then the baby grow up,

start to walk and run
and we can't catch it.

Yeah, like, we'll literally
be unfit parents.

Like, how...

How am I gonna fill out
a missing person report?

Like, "Well, sir, when'd you
realize the baby was missing?"

I'm like, "Immediately.

I was right there
when he ran off."

I was like,
"Stop, son. Stop, son,"

and he kept running.

I tried to lure him back
with a cookie

but I ate the cookies
in the car.

There was no more cookies.

I tried to make a cookie
out of the crumbs on my shirt

but I didn't have enough crumbs.

She had blinked all hers out.

There was no more crumbs.

My mom was the ratchet loose,

like, have fun,
like, dirty comedy.

She loved Luenell.

She loved--
like, she's a funny person.

My dad--my dad's funny too.

I'm not gonna take
nothing away from that.

But he's more like, you know,
he's in the military.

He's more like, "Hey, you know,

"Watch your mouth,
this, this, this."

My mama told him
"You come to his show,

I don't wanna hear--
I don't care what he say.

"You don't say nothing
to him about it,

"because that's--
this is his art.

"You don't have
nothing to do with this.

You let him do whatever."

And so I can say anything,

and she would--
it would never--

I would never hear
nothing about it.

Any time I was
within driving distance,

she was always there.
Any time.

- She was at everything though.
- MAN: So she was--

she was a big supporter, huh?

Oh, yeah.
Always at the shows.

MAN: Did she love it?
Did she just love--

Say what you wanna say.

MAN: Did you ever talk
about her in your stand up

that she saw?

Yeah. Yeah.

She'd always--
she always be like

"Don't you be using that
in your stand-up.

"Like, you know, that's not
really what people wanna hear,

just me and your
conversations," but...

People having sex.

Don't nobody wanna
talk about sex.

I talk about it. I'm 27.

Learning what I like,
what I don't like.

What's cool.

I just like for stuff
to be put

in the open.
Let me know,

you know, what's going--
what's going on, right?

Like, let me know what,
you know,

if we got all the right parts
and stuff like that.

Like, you know,
like, I had a chick,

and I'm trying to be respectful
because I don't want nobody

to feel like I felt
any type of way.

It was just
she didn't say nothing.

She had the long labia.

Like, the lips on her vagina
was regular

but she had like a tentacle

coming off each one--I swear.

It sounds cra--
that's how I felt, though.

I was like 22.

Like, what the fuck is this?
Like, it's--

She had some bungee cords

hanging out of her
motherfucking drawers.

I didn't know
what the fuck was--

Like, I wasn't gonna--
you know, I was horny.

I wasn't gonna say nothing,
but I was like, you know.

I came at her and she had
do-rag handles,

like the handles
from a do-rag hanging off her.

I'm like,
"I came to give you head,

I came back with waves."

I didn't know
what was going on.

[laughter]

I was just mad
she didn't say nothing.

There was plenty of time.
We went to dinner,

went to the movies.

We got back, we kissed.

I asked three times
if we was gonna do something

then she finally said yeah,
we kissed.

Then it's like,
I took your clothes off,

I took--
you know, I had to pull--

I'm pulling your panties down,
you're not saying nothing,

I'm pulling your panties.

And then, like, I keep pulling

and then there's
like these little arms,

like, pulling back.

I'm pulling.
She ain't saying nothing.

I'm just pulling,
like, I'm pull--

and then I'm--
I pull it farther

and the arms snapped back

and then they start
doing like that.

Like, you remember them little
sticky hands you used to get

and you could throw them
on the mirror

and peel them off?

I'm like,
this is why Toys "R" Us

went out of business
right here.

You got product
in your drawers.

Like, this is ridiculous.

She didn't say nothing.

I'm just saying,
if I had a dick

growing out the side
of my dick,

soon as I take my boots off,
I'mma be like,

"Hey, I'm a little different."

[laughter]

Shit crazy.

If you don't want it--
if you--

if that's not what
you wanna do, it's cool.

Like, let me--don't give me
no aggressive--

I don't want no aggressive,
like, sexual--

like, don't--like
be aggressive but don't--

I wanna like it.

I had this chick,
like, she was like

"I don't wanna suck it,
but I'll jack you off."

I'm like "A'ight."
Then she starts jacking.

She's like,
"Yeah, you like that?

I'm like...
[sputtering]

She was like,
"You about to come?:

I'm like, "Bitch,
I'm about to throw up."

I don't know what the fuck
you got going on.

You about to punch
my pelvis bone in.

I--this a vagina now, bitch.

I got pussy now.

Bitch done beat the balls
off me.

This is ridiculous.

I'm weird.
Like, you hang out with me,

you be like,
"Oh, I get how he weird."

Like, I like Christmas

but I don't fuck
with Santa Claus, right?

'Cause Santa has slaves.

Don't nobody ever say
shit about it.

[laughter]

We knew Santa had slaves.

We made the slaves work harder
so we got our shit,

and we know who the slaves.
Who was the slaves?

- AUDIENCE: The elves.
- The elves?

Fuck them elves.
It was the reindeer.

[laughter]

Them elves had workstations.

They had worker's comp,
they had all--no, fuck them.

You ain't never seen
a Christmas movie?

Them reindeer was the only
people of color

- in the whole movie.
- [laughter]

Think about it.
Nine brothers

dragging a fat white man
through the snow.

[laughter]

Sound like the opening
to "Django," don't it?

[laughter]

I cannot believe--people
always say the elves.

Why do--because they--people
always say the elves

'cause nobody ever think
about the reindeer

'cause the reindeer got
white names.

The reindeer
got the whitest names.

The reindeer names
so white, you sing 'em.

[laughter]

♪ It's Dancer and Prancer

♪ And Dante and Jamal

- ♪ These his niggas ...
- [laughter]

Taequan just got off work.

My mom died last year,

- last June.
- MAN: Oh, no.

Yeah. So I've been in this--
like, most recently

I'm in this weird funk
where it's like...

I don't know
if I'mma find somebody

that'll love me
like my mama did,

that I could feel like
got my back like that,

so it's like--but then it's also
where you got to not...

put everybody up against that,

you know,
that pedestal like that.

I cried this morning
just because, you know,

I'm like, you know,
I'm about to shoot

a half hour special and my mom
not gonna ever see it.

I know people are--
"Well, you know,

she's gonna watch over--"
It's like, you know.

Heaven got good seats
but these front row down here.

So...

She's the--you know,

she is a major part of why
I was able to stay in New York.

You know, when I moved to
New York, I only had like $800.

Like, she would send me
a hundred dollars here,

a hundred dollars here,
and it kept me afloat

while I was, you know,
damn near homeless.

So it was like,
to finally be able

to get on a network show,

to finally be able to do
late night TV,

you know, twice,
to be able to

be on a Emmy-winning show,
to be able to do stuff

and then now,
you telling me the person

that really was my motivation

outside of obviously wanting to
do it on my own is gone.

It's like, ugh. It tastes--
it tastes different now.

I used to work at IHOP.
I used to be a server at IHOP.

You know how hard it is
to smoke weed,

be big, and take orders?

[laughter]

Used to feel like we
was always having foreplay,

me and the customers.
Like, they be ordering,

and they don't know
it sound sexy.

[laughter]

Lady ordering, like,
"Yeah, let me get the, uh,

let me get the pancakes."

I'm like
"What type of pancakes?"

She's like "Buttermilk."
I'm like "Ooh."

[laughter]

She like, "Yeah, let me get
my eggs scrambled with cheese."

I'm like,
"Well, what type of cheese?"

[laughter]

She said "Provolone."
I said "Provolone?

I ain't never did it
with the Provolone."

[laughter]

I used to work graveyard.

Graveyard is, like,
by far the hardest shift.

It's like,
you work nights like this.

Friday, Saturday night,

from like 10:00 PM to 6:00.

You know, IHOP not
no place just finna get

upstanding people that
look good like yourself.

We get, you know, we--

oftentimes
we get the stragglers.

[laughter]

If you don't know
what a straggler is,

it's probably
because you're not one.

You leave the club
at a reasonable hour

with some vagina or penis
that wants to be with you.

Stragglers are the people
that leave the club

by they self.

Yes. Them bitches. Them.

[laughter]

Not them specifically.
I'm just saying

them type of bitches, though.

I don't know. Y'all do kind of
got some straggle energy

but I'm not saying
that's y'all.

- [laughter]
- I'm just saying.

I remember one time
Chris Brown had a concert.

And I don't know if...

just bigger girls
like Chris Brown

or they was the only ones hungry
after the concert.

[laughter]

And once again, I ain't
got nothing--but it was weird.

Like, I'm talking about
the concert over, we know it.

Like, we expect the cars
to come around

and I don't know
if y'all know,

big girls all ride
around together

in Toyota Corollas.

- The shit was crazy.
- [laughter]

They pulled up

six Corollas deep.

[laughter]

Them bitches, they look like
the Power Rangers.

It was the blue Corolla,
it was a red one.

[laughter]

These bitches hopped up.
[imitates squealing brakes]

Well, you know,
these brakes a little deeper.

[imitates straining brakes]

[laughter]

Them motherfuckers
come in, like,

it was like 15 of them.
so we sit them at the table.

You can always tell
who the leader of the group is

'cause women
always got a leader,

and it's always
a big girl named Daisia.

- Now...
- [laughter]

...everybody here
think about it. I do know

a big bitch
named Daisia right now.

You like "Yeah, Dai--"

She speak
for the whole team.

Like, she just like
start ordering.

Like my homegirl
just stand up and start,

"Hear ye, hear ye."

- "Oh, shit."
- [laughter]

This bitch started shouting
out Christmas carols.

"I'll take
♪ Five scrambled eggs

"♪ Four turkey bacons

♪ Three omelets "

[laughter]

My homegirl was like,
"Turn it up!"

I was like "Bitch,
no, don't turn it up,

"or y'all bitches
gonna have to get up

and come help cook some
of this shit back here."

[laughter]

These motherfuckers
ate us out of napkins.

How you eat
in an establishment...

- [laughter]
- ...out of napkins?

You get at least four,
five flips

before you got to throw
that motherfucker--

You ate us out of napkins.

[laughter]

IHOP. I used to hate bougee
people coming to IHOP,

act like
it's a real restaurant.

[laughter]

Right?

Like they come ordering shit
that's on the menu.

Like "Dude, pancakes,
it's in the name.

- Don't fuck the menu."
- [laughter]

You shouldn't flip past
that first page.

If you don't have
good health insurance,

- stay on that first page.
- [laughter]

IHOP got T-bones,
but no, don't do it.

I had this lady
order one one day.

It's how arrogant she was

when she ordered it
that made me mad.

She was just looking,
she was like, "Um, yes,

I would like the 'tuh-bone,'
and..."

[laughter]

"Could you tell the chef
I like it medium rare?"

- [scoffs]
- [laughter]

Dude at a whole another table
like, "Hey, she say 'chef'?

I'm like, "Yeah, she tripping.
Hold on, I got this."

[laughter]

I got this.

Like, first off,

you want your T-bone from IHOP.

That's where this joke
should end.

[laughter]

You want your T-bone from IHOP

anything other than well done,

I'mma need you to sign
this health waiver.

[laughter]

'Cause we didn't even get
this meat off a truck.

We got it out the trunk
of an '09 Honda Accord.

[laughter]

Ain't no chef at IHOP.

It's a nigga named Breonne
back there.

Oh, he didn't study abroad?
No, but he killed a broad.

[laughter]

He got an ankle bracelet
on right now.

You talking about chef?

Ain't no certifications
or degrees

in the kitchen at IHOP.

Only degrees is
first degree manslaughter

and third degree burns
from that grease.

[laughter]

Goddamn chef.

MAN: If you had 24 hours
with your mom right now,

how do you spend it?

Are we saying 24--like,
really it's 24 hours,

or are we saying 24 hours
and I got this magical plane

I can go do
whatever I wanna do?

MAN: You can do
whatever you wanna do.

Magical plane? Okay. Boom.

First, we gonna wake up.

We're gonna go get breakfast.

We're gonna hang out,

I'm gonna probably smoke
a blunt, she gonna drink.

- Um...
- [man laughs loudly]

We'll probably go get
her--go get her titties done

'cause she always told me
I owed her a boob job

and some ass implants

'cause me and my sister
tore her body up.

So that's probably gonna
take 10 hours

to get her--get her right.

MAN: [laughing]
Ten hours right there. Yeah.

You know what I mean?
Surgery, anesthesia, you know.

Probably take her
to get a couple bags,

Louis, Gucci...

and then whatever she wanna do.

Take her to DC, get some
chicken wings and mumbo sauce.

Take her past--

take her to see her family.

And then probably that
last hour,

probably go do a show.

You know.

Yeah, that's how I'd spend
my 24 hours with my mom.

I wanna be in a superhero
movie though, man.

I wanna be in
a Black superhero movie.

- [crowd applause]
- And I don't mean--

Nah, don't clap, 'cause
you ain't gonna like that--

I don't mean "Black Panther."

"Black Panther" is amazing.

It's one of my favorite movies.

But no, I grew up on Batman.

I grew up watching
billionaire Bruce Wayne.

I grew up watching him be rich

and like it's cool, like--
Black Panther, you might say,

"Well, Black Panther,
he the king of Wakanda."

Cool. I appreciate that.

You know, Black people,
you know,

but Wakanda
is a third-world country.

[laughter]

Right, yeah.
We look good, damn.

This motherfucker
can't buy me nothing in Miami.

[laughter]

Damn, I always wanted Batman.

I always wanted Batman
to be Black.

I swear, that's the--

I always wanted Batman
to be Black.

But Batman can't be Black.

And I get it.
I understand now.

I'm a grown man. I can--

That's a childish thought
for Batman to be Black.

Batman got to be white
'cause...

white men don't have lips,

and that's half
of Batman costume.

[laughter]

And if you not laughing
right now, look around.

I'm trying to tell you,
I can stand

three white dudes
up on stage right now,

cover they face like this.

I can't tell Peter,
Paul, or Patrick.

[laughter]

Batman can't show up
to save the day

- with no juicy-ass lips.
- [laughter]

Batman can't show up like,
"Stop. I'm Batman."

You be like,
"Nigga, that's Steve Harvey.

- I know Steve Harvey."
- [laughter]

Hey, man,
thank you all so much.

I'm Leonard Outz.
I appreciate y'all.

- [cheers and applause]
- Thank you so much.

♪

MAN: Do you see any
of your mom in you today?

Resilience, just, no matter
what's gonna happen,

I'm gonna--
I'm gonna find something.

I'mma find another way
for you to tell me no.

And be nice to people.
You know, don't be a asshole.

Don't try to take advantage
of anybody.

Don't let anybody
take advantage of you.

She ain't raised no punks.

That's her saying.
You know, "I ain't raise--

I ain't raised no bitches."

MAN: You guys ready
for another comic?

- AUDIENCE: Yeah.
- MAN: All right. Good.

The older kids that came in
to our community theater,

They were just like
the most--

almost hilariously
flamboyant group of gay men,

and I think they were
the first ones

that were able to talk
about gender

in a way
that made sense to me,

'cause I didn't
have a realization for this.

There was nobody around me
that was non-binary.

MAN: Please,
tell me about this, though.

ARLO WEIERHAUSER:
I identify as queer.

I'm queer,
meaning that I like boys.

I also like girls.

I'd seen butch lesbians,

and I'd see gay men,

and they're--
I didn't know anybody

that felt or thought like I did.

And so, I didn't think
it was real.

- [cheers and applause]
- MAN: Put your hands together

for Arlo Weierhauser.

[cheers and applause]

Yo.

- Hi.
- [cheers and applause]

Oh, my God. Hi, friends.

How are we?

- [audience cheers]
- Yeah? So well?

- Are you having so much fun?
- [audience cheers]

I'm very happy to be here.

I am. Truly, truly happy.

I, uh...

I've been updating my gender.

[laughter]

Like, not just from--
you know what I mean?

Like from way before,
like seasonally.

I'm very seasonally gendered.

[laughter]

Also, like,
I'm not--I'm non-binary.

And I don't know
if you know what that is,

and I don't give a shit.

If you don't,
I'm not in charge of you.

I don't know.
You have the internet.

Figure it out, or don't.
I'm not--make good choices.

Uh... [laughs]

Basically, it just means
that I've been

loosely identifying
as a PE teacher.

[laughter]

Thank you. You get it.
Thank you.

You see it?
You feel it, right?

Do you hear it?
"Johnson, hustle!"

- It's right there.
- [laughter]

And it's going pretty good.

It basically means
that just no one's ever happy,

no matter what
bathroom I choose.

Also, maybe it would be worse
if they were happy.

[shudders]

He's like,
"Hey, hey. No, no. No."

No one needs enthusiasm.

[laughter]

I do get, like, yelled at--

I call them
conversation starters.

I get this
about three times a day.

"Sir. Ma'am. Nope!
Lady. Daddy. Ah..."

[laughter]

Miss...

ter...

...ry.
I don't know.

Goat? Yeah.
That's--yeah. Yup, yup.

[laughter]

I'll walk that one off,

which you didn't need to do.

I've been up to,
I don't know, kind of a lot.

I feel like we're all
kind of like,

testing theories
a little bit, aren't we?

Like, maybe--
maybe willing to give

some new things a try
that we didn't before.

I'd say that just to say this:
I used to live in Portland,

and I got bullied
into self-care.

[laughter]

I didn't want to.
My version of self-care

is like vodka
when the sun's up.

- Whoo-hoo!
- [laughter]

But I live in Portland.
You've heard of it.

It's a--it's a--
it's a silly place.

It's a silly place.
It seems fun, doesn't it?

Right up until you get,
like, tipped with a crystal,

and then, you're like...

[laughter]

Oh, okay. So I, uh...

I have to pay rent
in like, this, realm,

you know what I mean?

And my landlord is not
historically impressed

- with, like, cool rocks. So...
- [laughter]

...it seems like a fun place.

It's very silly.

I got bullied into self-care.

Like, I got... [sighs]

to be friends
with, like, bossy witches,

I don't know.

Yeah. I don't feel
like this is a crowd for that,

- but I'm just floating it.
- [laughter]

I don't think
that you've been subjected

to the peer pressure
that is a coven...

[laughter]

...but they're very persuasive.

They're like, "Go hike."
Fuck you.

I'm not--like,
I'm, like, butch in a way.

Like, it looks like I wanna go
camping all the time.

I don't. I do not.

- I'm a prissy, prissy butch.
- [laughter]

My folks are both
from California.

They kind of got onboard
with like,

kind of hippie movement
to Oregon, to like--

They bought a ranch,

wanted to grow their own food,
and they did.

We got really involved
with, like, a Baptist Church,

like a fundamental,

cosplaying for Jesus
Baptist Church.

Our church operated out
of a grange,

which is basically just
a shell of a barn

with--complete with bats,
and one wood burning stove,

Like, this is like,
pioneer days-type church.

So, very small community.

Our church went on the road
with our pastor,

a bunch of Winnebagos.

- MAN: No. You did road gigs?
- To--yeah.

To sell his sermons on VHS.

You're never gonna guess--
it didn't go well.

No one bought them.
Lost all their money.

[man laughs loudly]

They convinced, like,
all these dads in the church

to buy Winnebagos,
and then, go--

we got as far
as, like, South Dakota.

And it was like, "We gotta get
the fuck out of here.

This is ridiculous. We gotta go
and turn back around."

I got tricked
into using a neti pot.

That's a--that's--okay.

Yup. You have too, huh? Ha-ha.

That's a true thing.

If you don't know
what a neti pot is,

bless your heart.
You're doing perfect.

You're doing absolutely
spectacular.

It's a fake thing.
It's a make-them-up thing.

They're supposed to like,
solve allergies

by rinsing the inside
of your face out.

All right.

I don't think that's real,
and if it was,

I think I would have been fixed

from that one time that I almost
drowned at the wave pool.

- Do you understand?
- [laughter]

No. Neti pot
is just this thing

that your hilarious friend
pranks you with.

Fuck you, Willow.

What you do is you take
the tiniest little tea pot

that you ever did see,

and you fill it full of saline
and witchcraft, I'm pretty sure.

And that what you're supposed to
do--it's like a 2-step process.

You're supposed to bend
all the way over,

and then, try to forget

that Benadryl is a drug
that you can buy

at any store.

Like, literally, anywhere,
gas stations even.

You just push that
out of your head

a hundred percent.

And the next part is trickier.

The next part is
you're supposed to willingly

pour liquid into the wrong hole
in your face.

What?! Yeah.
I don't think--

It's a real test of faith.

I don't know if you are like me,

but we've spent our whole lives

trying to keep stuff out
of there, you know what I mean?

You're supposed to pour it
into your nose.

Just let go and let God.
It is wild.

It is crazy.

And then the liquid--
get this--

it's supposed to,

just like
"Lord of the Rings" its way

through your face.
I'm sorry.

Nothing's ever done
that before.

I got so far
as pouring it all the way in,

and then I was like,
"Wait a minute.

"I'm pretty sure there's
a barrier in between there."

Isn't there? Otherwise,

I could pick my nose
the whole way through.

Am I crazy? No.

That was a big mistake.
Poured it in, sat bolt upright.

Ahh.
Don't do that.

That's how you can drown
to death, team. Heads up.

Yeah. That's a fun story
of how I waterboarded

- my goddamn myself. Yeah.
- [laughter]

And we all learned
I don't stand up

- to interrogation.
- [laughter]

I started

having problems

with the indoctrination

with the church teachings
way too early on.

Got kicked out of Sunday school.

Tower of Babel, specifically.

My best friend,
I was--

this little girl,
who was adopted from Colombia,

and the lesson
that I received

was that God separated
races on purpose,

and that is how things are,
and I lost my mind,

- MAN: That was bullshit.
- I'm like, "What do you mean?

That's my best friend,"
and they're like,

"This isn't
what we're talking about."

The other time it came up
really early on

was I was obsessed
with Andre the Giant.

So Andre, Giant,

in my head,
David, Goliath, same dude.

And you're trying to tell me
that a rock took him down?

I've seen Andre take tables.
Like, that's not real.

So I doubted it
because of wrestling,

which seems backwards.

But I was like, "No.
I know what he can take.

There's no way
a rock brought that down."

They're like,
"Out of Sunday school again."

You can't be questioning stuff.

I've mostly just been, uh,

looking up COVID symptoms?
I don't know.

And then
just being like, "Yeah.

"And I thought
I was feeling that.

"I did.
I did think I was...

feeling that."
I found--

I found a test
I want to pass onto you

'cause it's been--
it's been very useful for me.

And that is, if you get
in your head about it--

'cause I know we all do
a little bit, right?

Even if we're, like,
feeling pretty confident

that we've been safe,
we've been fine,

but you know
you get in your head.

And you're like, "I don't know,
that might have been a tickle.

- This might be it."
- [laughter]

Here's what you do.
Look at a picture of a pug.

And if you immediately
feel better, you're fine.

Get outta here. Stop it.

That's what they're magic for.
Oh, they're so good.

This is like a fun little
inside brain hack.

You can just look
at a picture of a pug

and feel immediately better.

And you're like,
"Jesus Christ, you are...

"pretty fucked up, yeah.

"I am fine.

What was I on about?
Look at you."

I love pugs.
They're my favorite.

Like, genre of dog,
you know what I mean?

They're spectacular.

Heads up, though--if you
think about pugs for, like,

like, too long, ahh!

You will get sad again.
So heads up.

Yeah. Because you'll remember,
eventually, that like,

we made those,
you know what I mean?

We did that.
See, that's on us.

We should be in prison.
Maybe. I don't know.

It's--
and we started with wolves,

you know that, right?
We started with a wolf.

And then,
some entrepreneurial asshole

saw a wolf, and was like,

"Yeah, I hate everything
about that.

"I'm gonna see
if I can make a potato today.

"Yeah.

"I'm gonna screw that thing
all the way up. Absolutely.

"I wanna make
a little tube of stupid.

That's what I want."

I don't know.
Speaking of wolves,

I'll, uh--
I'll tell you my, uh,

I don't know, origin story.

Is that okay?
Is that good? Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I--that was very sweet of you.
Thank you.

I got raised out in the woods.
Very fun as a kid.

I also got raised
in a single-parent home.

I got the dad.
Oh, my God.

I can't recommend that enough.

It is a hoot, team.
It is so much fun.

Are you kidding?
Just a loose dad?

Oh, boy. It is a ton of fun.

It's like a--
having a parent, right?

- But like no supervision.
- [laughter]

Whatsoever.
He builds an Ewok tree fort

for us in the backyard.

And then, fed us
like jerky for dinner.

And then was like,
"Gotta go to work.

Have fun out there, team."

- The best.
- [laughter]

It's pretty fun.
It was a period of our childhood

where I felt, like,
a little bit, like, jealous,

I guess, of other kids.
I realized I was having

a very different childhood,

than a lot of kids
that I grew up with.

Like, I don't know what
you guys got,

like, notes in your lunches.

All right.

Or, like, lunches or whatever.

- All right.
- [laughter]

Or hugs? I'm fine.
I turned out great.

Or tampon instructions?
It's fine. I figured it out.

[laughter]

What I did get, I think,
is absolutely the best thing

that my dad
could have possibly done.

He did what I like
to think of as

employ some very creative
parenting solutions,

and that was
perusing a newspaper.

And he stumbled across an ad

- that read "wolf puppies."
- [laughter]

"On sale."

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And as a dad, you know,

it's illegal to pass up a deal.

Uh, so he--he got
after that immediately.

And he bought a pack.

- Yeah.
- [laughter]

To raise us.

I got raised by wolves.
You guys, I win. I win. I win.

When I was six,
we were in a car accident,

my little sister and I,
with my mom.

A trucker had broken down,

but hadn't set up any flares.

And so, when we came
around the corner,

there was just no stopping,

and so we just barreled
right into him.

And the whole front of the van,
and then, I woke up.

I remember being
on the hospital and being pissed

that they were cutting open
my shirt.

And I was like,
"No. I like this shirt."

Like, I didn't--
[laughs]

Like, you're six, you're not
getting the big picture.

- MAN: Sure. No, no. Yeah.
- And then, on top of that,

nobody wanted to tell
this six- and three-year-old

their mom had died,

so we didn't know
for a couple days.

- MAN: Days?
- Yeah.

People in the church

don't wanna lay on a kid

the reality of mortality,

and it kind
of messes up your, like,

ability to process death,
you know what I mean?

And it instilled this, like,

not quite like OCD,
but definitely obsessive

to an extent,
want for perfection.

Absolute "A"s across the board.

Constantly trying to, like,
take care of my sister as well

and always have eyes on her.

And then on top of that,
there's this other element

that if you're good enough,
pure enough, love Christ enough,

that you'll get to see your mom.

You'll get to, you know,
join your mom, Heaven on high.

You learn a lot,
I will say this.

You learn a lot from wolves,

and you learn fucking quickly,
do you understand?

- [laughter]
- Like, so fast.

Like, if you, like,
managed to annoy a wolf,

uh, rule number one is,
like, don't run,

- you know what I mean?
- [laughter]

Because they will chase you
and catch you. [laughs]

They're super good at it,
they are built...

- [laughter]
- ...yeah, for basically that.

[laughs]
For catching squishy kids.

[laughter]

Also, another thing
they don't really,

I feel like,
touch on enough

in wolf documentaries
is that, uh,

they don't bark,
do you know that?

They can. They just, hmm,
fucking don't need to.

- Do you understand?
- [laughter]

They're far more effective
communicators than that.

Turns out,
a wolf can just show up.

Are you kidding?

You're like,
"Message received."

Then get the fuck
out of here.

- Incredible communicators.
- [laughter]

They can bark.
We had three wolves.

Well, we had five altogether,

that's another--uh...
[laughs]

We had three wolves,
and, uh,

I only heard
one of them bark one time,

and that was because
my dad brought over his,

uh, his hunting buddy,

and his hunting buddy
had a Rottweiler.

And the hunting buddy forgot
that we had wolves!

Just wolves.
Like, everyone knew it.

Everyone way out
in the country, but still,

everyone knew that we had
wolves, you understand?

Like, my teachers knew.
They brought it up sometimes.

They're like, "Yeah,
that's that Weierhauser kid.

- They got wolves."
- [laughter]

"They don't have to turn
in their homework."

- [laughter]
- Like, our neighbor

used to have sheep,
do you understand?

[laughter]

People knew what was going on
at our house. [laughs]

A hunting buddy
brought over his Rottweiler

and left it outside
in the truck,

and the wolves just started
circling it like a shark.

They didn't kill him.
Calm down.

[laughter]

The wolves started circling it
like a shark,

and I don't know if you've
ever heard a Rottweiler

just pitch an entire fit
and lose his every-loving mind,

but I did.
And that Rottweiler

was just like,
"Hey! Hey! Hey!

"There's! Wolves! Out! Here!

"I don't know
if you know that,

but could I be an inside dog?
Please come get me."

And one wolf
just let out one big "Woof!"

and I heard a Rottweilersay,

"Oh, I've been meaning
to shut the fuck up.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.

"No, I don't really wanna make
eye contact right this second.

"No, I don't, actually.
No, I'm peeing,

but yeah, I wanna be,
so that's fine."

I also realized that, like,
I had very different chores

than, like,
the kids I grew up with.

Like, one of my chores
in the morning

was to gather up the wolves.

- [laughter]
- First of all, what a task.

Uh, I was just busy,
being seven.

- Uh...
- [laughter]

Yeah, the whole time.
And, uh, my job was to, uh,

gather up the wolves
with the garden hose,

and then,
to spray off their, um,

- their, like, blood beard?
- [laughter]

It's just a beard of blood.
It's right in the title.

You get it. You got it.
You're very--you're very smart.

And it was just the leftovers
from hunting Bambi's friends

for, uh, for breakfast.
Yeah. [laughs]

And I had to get that
all the way off, uh,

because the wolves
would follow us

down to the bus stop
every morning,

and if I didn't get off
all the blood and guts,

all the kids on the bus
would see the wolves and cry.

- Oh.
- [laughter]

I don't know
if you were responsible

for the emotional well-being

of the only 30 kids you knew,

but, ha,
it's a pretty fun chore.

[laughter]

My sister and I were always
super, super, super close.

Uh, fought ferociously

because we loved
each other tremendously.

She lived in Oregon,
I was living in San Francisco.

I got a call from her friend,

and, uh, knew
something was wrong

immediately,
at such a core,

base, lizard-brain level,

It was the day
before her birthday,

and, uh, she took her own life
on our mom's birthday

the day before she turned,

uh, 27.

And I lost my fucking mind.

I went into just, uh, like--

I don't know.
Like, I lost--I lost it.

I started to see
a grief therapist,

um, started to unpack
what the trauma,

not just for my little sister's
death, but for our mom's.

And that shit
just gets compounded in there.

And I would just spend,
uh, an hour, like, at first,

like, I think twice
or three times a week.

It was the only thing
that I could do,

is go and cry in front
of this very nice lady.

Um, but she's--she would--

she enjoyed my stories,

and she made sure
that I knew that,

and also
was being heard as well,

and she would be laughing
a little bit.

I'd be absolutely crying,

but a little bit entertaining,

and she's the one that suggested

that I got into standup comedy.

She says to me...
[laughs]

- MAN: A grief therapist--
- Yeah.

- MAN: --tells you--
- "Have you ever thought

about standup comedy?"
What? [laughs]

Why? Why? Why?
And she's like,

"I've been thinking about it,
and I think you'd be

"really good at it.
I think it might be

something good or helpful
for you to get into."

And I was like,
"It's pretty fucking rude,

I think, of you." [laughs]

Being raised by wolves,
I think, makes me--makes me seem

- fucking cool. Uh...
- [laughter]

I would say,
uh, I'm not brave,

definitely not brave,
I know this,

because I've seen a scary movie
and it fucking worked on me,

you know what I mean?
And then, never again.

Have you fallen for true crime?
Have you been

tricked into watching
true crime?

Yeah, I hate it
more than anything.

Okay. Yeah.
And probably a straight lady.

Sorry, I just--
it's demographics alone.

That's how
I got tricked into watching it,

is 'cause I got
straight lady friends.

- Not to brag, just...
- [laughter]

- I don't mean to brag.
- [laughter]

But they're,
like, obsessed with it,

Every straight lady friend
that I know is, like,

"Oh, I'm watching
some true crime."

- Sis, why?
- [laughter]

Like, it doesn't go good
for you, you know what I mean?

Like, you're the star
of every episode, but...

Oh, boy. I think that
we could cut down on, like,

a lot of investigation time
in true crime

if we just all agreed
to make sheds see-through.

[laughter]

Like, all of them
probably, right?

Why do you keep your lawnmower
so secret, Dale, hmm?

- [laughter]
- Is there a lady in there?

- Maybe.
- [laughter]

Not brave.

I felt like I was brave
one time.

When I turned 18,
I went skydiving.

Has anyone been skydiving?

Make some noise.
Give us a clap.

- [cheers and applause]
- Very brave, very brave.

Cavalier man.
Yes. I love this about you.

For those that don't know,

there is a ton
they don't tell you.

- [laughter]
- First thing

that you should know
is that you get issued a man,

a much older,
just tax-paying man.

[laughter]

And then, he straps himself
to the back of your body.

- [laughter]
- And you're just, like, 18,

queer as Christmas, being
like, "Is this part of it?"

- [laughter]
- It is. It's a big part,

- and I want you to be prepared.
- [laughter]

If you do go.
Yeah, you wear them

like a backpack
for, like, a while,

for a lot of the day.
You don't switch or nothing,

He's the big spoon,
the whole time. It's...

[laughter]

It's kind of a lot
to get used to,

you know what I mean? [laughs]

The other thing that you
should know about skydiving day

is that you're so nervous,

you kind of can't control
the fact that you're, like...

farting. I'm sorry.

You're tooting up a storm.

- You're so scared.
- [laughter]

And with Chad or whatever
back there--

we're gonna call him that
because that seems easy--

--you're basically just
farting into a man's lap.

- [laughter]
- Do you understand?

He knows it. It's stinky.
It's warm. He's acutely aware,

You paid
a lot of money for this.

That makes it weirder.

- [laughter]
- For sure.

- [laughter]
- I was in high school,

and I was like, "I'm bi."

You live with this constant,

like, fear and frustration

that you're
going to get outed,

that you're gonna get screamed
out of the locker room,

that you're gonna get
absolutely bullied

or get your--the shit
get kicked out of you as well,

at all times, for being this.

And then
it started to get, uh,

I don't know,
a lot more fun to be a person.

Like, it started to melt away.
I started smoking weed.

Uh, all the band kids
are stoners,

and all the theater kids
are the horniest children

who have ever--oh,
it's disgusting. Disgusting.

- MAN: Everybody has said that.
- [laughs] Absolutely.

These are universal truths.
[laughs]

I don't know if you've ever
had the distinct pleasure

of, like, pissing [laughs]
into the wind.

[laughter]

But spit works
much on the same physics,

do you understand?
So the first thing that we did,

uh, was jump out of an airplane,
and then, I turned around,

and just coated him, team,
by accident, oopsie-doodle.

Didn't mean to, by any--
by any means, whatsoever.

Just spit in a whole man's face.

I've been farting into his lap

for about 30 minutes,
and then I spit all over him.

It was not a great start,
- you know what I mean?

And then,
I immediately also forgot

all the safety instructions
that we learned on the ground,

which is hilarious,
because it's a seven-second,

"All right. When you jump out,
make like a flying squirrel,

Get up there."
[laughs] That's it.

And I forgot because I didn't
wanna be a flying squirrel.

I was falling
to the ground like an acorn,

do you understand?
[laughs]

I was fetal,
fully tucked in.

I didn't wanna give my arms up.

They're like, "Put your arms up
like you don't care

when you get up there."
But I did, I cared a lot.

- [laughter]
- I did more than ever.

And sneaky Chad's, like,
bopping me on the back,

and being like,
"Put your arms out."

I'm like, "No, thank you."
[laughs]

"I don't really want to,"
you know.

But he hit me pretty hard
and I was like,

"Okay. Point taken."
[laughs]

So I threw my arms out,
like I didn't care.

Oh, God. But I did.

And my shirt came up immediately
all the way to my tits.

- Aah! Okay.
- [laughter]

And this is the part
where I need to inform you

that, um, not only do you
fall to the ground

with a whole man,

but there's another person
that exits the vehicle

or whatever with you...
[laughs]

and that's the cinematographer.

- [laughter]
- Yeah, it's just a nice lady

with a VHS camcorder
duct-taped to her helmet.

A lady,
I will remind you,

that I wanted to be strapped to
in the first place.

[laughter]

But here we are.
And what should be,

like, seven seconds of, like,
very embarrassing footage

of my belly,
you know what I mean? [laughs]

Is now slowed down,

because this is where
they chose to get cinematic.

- [laughter]
- Like, a minute and a half

of just zoomed-in footage

of just my belly
rippling violently...

- [laughter]
- ...in the wind.

Set to Tom Petty's
"Free Fallin'."

All right. That's nice.

[laughter]

You get, uh,
you get a little closer

to the ground,
you start realizing that

those, like, dirty,
dirty sheep are getting bigger.

[laughs]
And I'm gonna be honest,

it feels like you're coming in
faster than you should be.

Why? 'Cause we were.
We were coming in a lot faster

than we should have been.
And I also know that

because stinky Chad
piped up and was like,

"Hey, we're coming in
way faster than we should be."

So he tells me, "I need you
to anticipate the landing.

We didn't cover this
in the seven seconds

of safety precautions that
we did on the goddamn ground,

do you understand?

We didn't cover
how we do "anticipate landing."

What I do in the video,
I think is hilarious,

because what I do
is strike a Spiderman pose?

- [laughter]
- What was my plan?

Just, like, grip the Earth
as it goes by?

No. He's like,
"No, like, pump your legs.

We're gonna be coming in
at a run."

And I was like, "Oh.

"I don't know
how to tell you this, buddy.

I am not much of a jogger,"
you know what I mean?

I'm more
of a theater kid myself.

You don't give a shit.
No, I hear it.

That's fine. Yup.
A hundred percent hear it.

He's like, "Pump your legs,
we're gonna run."

"Well, we're--you're--

you're gonna run."

- [laughter]
- "Probably more than

"this side of the harness,
you know what I mean?

"I mean, more running,
less running.

Do you get that?"
He's like, "Pump your legs!"

- [laughter]
- And what's happened,

I will remind you,
is that I'm dead

from the waist down,
and I have no idea.

All the blood and holy fluids
have been cut off

in the sky, way up there.

And so, what happens
on the tape is hilarious

because you can see
the top half of my body

fully committing
to a goddamn run!

And the bottom half
of my body is just loose,

- flapping in the wind.
- [laughter]

My legs are just out here,
kicking his butt from the back,

do you understand?

And he thinks
I'm fucking with him.

And I get it,
because I farted in his lap,

and I spit all over his face,

and now I'm, like,
"Fuck you, buddy."

So he gets pissed,
and I get it.

Like, I understand.

So what he does is take the
entire landing for both of us,

out and around my body.

Meanwhile, my legs
are just dragging

through a dirt field.

We didn't even come
to a whole stop

before he just unhooked me
and sent me to the ground,

and was like,
"Find your own way back."

[laughter]

- Thank you so much.
- [cheers and applause]

I've been Arlo Weierhauser.
You all have been fantastic.

I love you,
I appreciate you. Good night!

[cheers and applause]

MAN: What is it
that you miss about

your sister the most?

[laughs] Uh, the, um, fights
that would turn into

the funniest shit
I've ever heard.

Uh, she was absolutely
the funniest person

that I've ever met in my life.

Uh, the phone calls would--

she revealed to me
that she learned that day

that when you go
to get your tires rotated,

they don't just spin
them backwards.

- You fucking idiot.
- [man laughs]

We used to watch
the dog shows together,

like the AKC dog shows,
and she tells me,

"You know
who looks good this year?

You know who looks
good this year?"

"And what is that?"
"The, uh, the douche-hound?

How do you say that?"

"Are you saying 'dachshund'?"

"No, I think
it's a douche-hound."

"No, it's not.
That's a dachshund."

She swore up and down
for like two days

that it was called
a "douche-hound,"

and then we laughed about
that for forever.

The inside jokes,
and absolutely the fights,

I miss the fights, too.
Yeah.

♪