All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e06_English

♪

[CLAYTON] On my set,
I'm gonna talk about

how I was arrested recently

at one of these protests

'cause it really just came
by my house.

[MAN] Wait, did you just say
it came by your house?

-It came by my house.
-[MAN] You didn't--[laughs]

We went to church,
like, um, a lot of times a week.

They speak in tongues.

It was really intense, right?
It's intensely emotional

watching that happen around you.

[imitates speaking in tongues]

It's such an extreme thing
to go through

a couple times a week.

My parents are freedom
fighters, like they were part

of that first group of
integrating schools and stuff.

It's funny because
they would kind of mess up.

He was like,
"We out there, we show up,

we're gonna do a sit-in."

They go to the place and
the place wasn't even open,

like, that day.

♪

They would tell me
stories like that

and I don't even know if
they realized it was funny,

but stuff like that
becomes a part of your DNA,

especially once you start
doing comedy

and then you can place where,
"Oh, okay.

That's where my mind
can connect that and make that."

♪

We know there are people
that would maybe like attention

a little more
than other people

and those people would
speak in tongues a lot.

And I just think
that's so tacky.

So, I went into a life
of performing standup comedy

because I don't need
that kind of validation.

♪

♪

[MAN] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

to the stage, Jared Logan.
Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

[muffled]
All right. Let's go. Let's go.

[muffled]
Put your hands in the air.

[muffled, unintelligible]

[laughter]

[muffled, unintelligible]

[laughter]

[muffled]
Is it the mask?

[muffled] Do you want me
to remove my mask?

[muffled, unintelligible]

I don't know.

How's everybody doing tonight?

[cheers and applause]

Sorry, the mask--it was hard
to hear me because of the mask.

[laughter]

Boy, I love
an outdoor show.

The temptation to misuse
the microphone

at an outdoor show
is tremendous.

How many people in Burbank do
you think can hear us right now?

[laughter]

Attention,
everyone leave your homes.

There's been a chemical attack.

Stand outside your homes

and wait for military personnel.

Probably right now,
people would be like,

"I get to leave my home?
Oh, my God. Thank you."

Boy, I'm so excited
I can't even, like,

smell or taste right now.
This is like...

really an exciting night.
Thank you all for showing up.

[crowd cheering]

My mom, I think,
really wanted a little girl.

She told me a lot that
my name would've been Erica.

Erica Logan.

Do I look like an Erica?

Imagine me just as a woman.

I think--I kind of like it.

But I spend
a lot of time with her.

I didn't wanna go play
baseball out in the yard

with, like,
my uncles and cousins,

I wanted to hang out
in the dining room

and kind of lay on the floor,

and listen
to the women talk about

relationships and feelings.

And that's what they were doing.

But when I would try
to do it with them,

they would be like,
"Okay. Go play."

Well, what did I really
wanna talk about tonight?

I wanted to talk about,
you know,

what I really miss
is movies and...

boy, that was an industry
that was headed out already,

wasn't it?
That was kind of--

kind of already sort of done

before even all of this.

I, uh, I don't know.

This is something
that I've noticed

and see if you agree with me.

I noticed that it seems to me

that movies used
to be the cool one

and TV was the lame one.

But now, TV is the cool one

and movies are the lame one.

And that's an observation
that only I have had

at several parties.

But you know that movies are,

like, getting desperate
because, like,

last time I went to a movie,
they do this new thing now.

It's so weird where,
like, after the trailers,

there's, like, this little
extra trailer where, like,

the producer or the director
appears on screen,

and he has, like,
a little message where he goes,

"Thank you so much

"for coming to the movies.

"Thank you for--you could
have gone anywhere tonight.

Thank you."

It's a little sweaty,
isn't it?

That would be like if
I went to your restaurant

and I took a bite,
and the chef walked out

and went, "You ate that?"
Like, that's--

"Why are you so excited?"

And no one was asking for that.
No one felt that way.

No one was walking out
of the movie like,

"Wow, Mission Impossible
was awesome.

Would've been nice
to get a thank you."

No one felt that way,
no one talks like that.

[laughter]

They tried everything.
They tried everything

to get you to go
to the movies.

I went to a 4DX movie.
Do you know what that is?

A 4DX movie is a movie
where the seat moves

and it, like,
blows air in your face.

So it's like a movie
but someone is bothering you.

[laughter]

That seat kept
slapping me in the ass.

If you wanna see a movie
but feel like your wallet

is being stolen
by your chair,

go to the 4DX movie.
At one point--

I'm not making this up--
it sprayed water in my face.

I'm not okay with that.

[laughter]

Who is changing
the water

in the moving seats
for minimum wage?

"Hey, Tim,
change that seat water."

"Oh, I'll get right on that."

Spliff!
That's not happening.

I have listeria
from the old seat water.

The real problem is that none
of the movies were good anymore.

They were bad.

Well, a couple of years ago,
they made a movie

called First Man.

Does anybody remember
First Man?

It was about Neil Armstrong
and the moon landing, okay?

A great time in
our nation's history, I guess.

Now, what they do in these
biopics is they always cast

a fantastic actress

and First Mancast Claire Foy.

Do you guys know Claire Foy?
She's an amazing actress.

She's in The Crown,
she has incredible range.

But her job,
her role in First Man

was she was the wife.

[laughter]

So her entire role
in the movie

was just every once in a
while talking to Neil Armstrong

and being like, "You be
careful out there, Neil."

[laughter]

And then later in the movie,
she got to go,

"I hope Neil is careful
out there."

Do you know what I mean?

That was her whole role
in the movie.

But then, you know,
Hollywood thinks

it's very progressive,
so you can tell that someone

who was writing
the movie was like,

"No. Fuck that.

We got to give Claire Foy
a better role."

So they put a part in the movie

that definitely
never happened in history

where Claire Foy
marched into NASA

and told them to be careful.

[laughter]

She marches right into NASA,

they let--why would
they let her in? They're like,

"It's a woman with a bone
to pick. Let her through."

She marches in and she walks
up to the NASA guys

and she's like,
"You be careful out there."

[laughter]

But if I was Claire Foy
and they offered me

that part of the movie,
I'd be like,

"No. That doesn't go
far enough.

I demand that my character
be an alcoholic

who is unsupportive
of the moon landing."

And it would be a scene where
Neil Armstrong comes home like,

[slurring] "Well,
look who decided to show up."

[laughter]

"How was Neptune, Neil?

"One small step for a man
who can't even take out

"one bag of fucking garbage.

You piece of garbage.
I date women now."

[laughter]

I was always very precocious
and a little spazzy,

and would, like,
go to school in, like,

purple shirts with, like,

hearts on them and back--
I wore my jeans backward

the first day of fifth grade
because I thought that

that was cool or a thing
I was gonna start,

which made school very awkward.
You know, there was always

the redneck, it was when
they would slap you on the neck

really hard on your back
of your neck.

There was the thing
where a kid would, you know,

get on all fours behind you

and then a kid would push you
over him.

A lot of ball taps.
A lot of ball taps.

I love it that boys are like,

"You're gay,"
and then touch your balls,

you know what I mean?
Like, uh, yeah.

That was--that was middle
school in West Virginia.

Now, I can tell you the really
big news that I have

which is that my wife
and I had a baby last year.

-[cheers and applause]
-Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you.
And I--you know, my wife,

I guess she was worried
that I, um,

well, wouldn't be a good
father because she got me

a fatherhood book.

[laughter]

A book of tips
on how to be a father

called The Expectant Father.

Do not read that book.

Because The Expectant Father,
I swear to God,

it had a line in it that was
giving me advice and it said,

"Remember to tell your wife
to exercise every day

and to eat plenty
of fruits and vegetables."

And I was like,

"I think you better tell
her that, fatherhood book."

[laughter]

"I don't think I'm gonna
say that to her."

I don't remember the name
of the guy who wrote it,

I know that he is dead.
I know that...

[laughter]

...his wife brought
a life into the world

and then took one out of it,
is what I think happened.

We went to the maternity class.

Do you guys know what that is?

It's where you go, you know,

a couple of weeks
before the birth,

and nurses and doctors
explain to you

what's gonna happen
during the birth.

And I was there to learn,
but I didn't realize

that there were, like, a lot
of parents there who were there

to question the process.

So, like, the nurses,
who know what they're doing,

were showing us the forceps,
which are, like,

these little baby salad tongs,
you know.

[laughter]

That you just sometimes
use to turn the baby.

And this one woman was, like,
not having it. She just, like,

raised her hand to ask
a question and she was like,

"Um, doesn't that hurt
the baby's head?"

[laughter]

Which is kind
of a stupid question, right?

Like, the nurses
are gonna be like,

"Oh, my God. Yeah.

"Every baby we've tried
this on has died.

"Thank God you brought it up.
I have to call

"the American Medical
Association.

"Hey, we got a hero mom here.

She just saved the next
fucking generation."

[laughter]

My wife--my wife came home
a couple weeks

before the birth
and was like,

"Hey, good news. The doctor
said that in a couple of weeks,

we can start doing things
to induce labor."

And I was like,
"Oh, like what?"

And she was like,
"Well, she said

one of the things
we can do is have sex."

And I was like,
"Well, pick another one

"because I don't wanna
induce labor that way.

Are you out of your mind?"

[laughter]

I already feel bad
when I have sex with my wife

and I don't go long enough.

I don't need to roll
off my wife and have her go,

"That was so nice."

[laughter]

"I mean it didn't make me
go into labor, but..."

Also, I don't want my baby
to be born like that.

Who wants their baby to be,
like, in the womb, like,

"What is that knocking?
What is that...

Oh, Dad, I'll be right out."

Like, that's not how
I want that to go.

[laughter]

My upbringing
was kind of repressed.

If I had said, you know,

"sex" in my house,

I would've gotten in trouble.
The word "sex," you know.

I remember when
I was first entering puberty,

you have nocturnal
experiences, right?

Well, I was so sheltered I had
no idea what was happening.

So I remember one day
I went down from my room

and I said
to my mom and dad like,

"Okay, so, my bed is damp

"and I have no idea why.

Come upstairs.
You got to come see this."

And then I took my mom
and my dad up

to look at my bed,
and I was like,

"Okay. So what do we think
happened here?"

Let's spitball some ideas
of what this could be."

And then they turned
to me and they said,

"Don't worry about it."

And we never spoke of it again.

You guys know
what skin-to-skin is?

[WOMAN] Yes.

Skin-to-skin is the moment
after a baby's born,

doctors say that you need
to take the naked baby

and put it against
the mother's naked body, or

the baby becomes
a serial killer.

[laughter]

So our baby was born
and, you know,

you probably know this,
when a baby is born,

it's got stuff on it,

like it's covered in shit,
and I mean, literally shit

is on the baby.

And they took this baby
that was still covered

in all that stuff and
they handed it to my wife,

and they were like,
"Skin-to-skin!"

And my wife was like,

"I'm good, you know."

I don't really"--a little
background on my wife,

she is a huge asshole.
So...

[laughter]

Yeah, they were like,
"Skin-to-skin."

And, uh, she was like,
"No." And they were like,

"You have to or the baby
will be Jeffrey Dahmer!"

[laughter]

They handed her the baby.
Now, what happened next

was there was a little
complication.

There was a little complication.
My wife is fine now,

she's completely fine,
but put it this way,

if it had been the 1800s,
I would be a widower.

So, they had to take
the baby away from my wife,

and they turned to me
and they were like,

"Skin-to-skin?"

And I was like
"I guess I have to,

to save my baby."

And in front
of the female OB-GYN

and three female nurses
I took off my shirt.

And I held my naked
daughter against my breast,

and it felt really nice.

And then she started
trying to drink

from my breast and I was like,
"Okay, take her back,

"put her in an incubator
or something because

"I don't want her to wind up
all topsy-turvy,

so do something with her."

We're very different
in our approach to the baby

because I'm always, like, afraid

that the baby
is gonna be in danger

or, you know, I'm anxious,
I'm an anxious dad

and my wife is so cavalier.

Four days after
the baby was born,

she was like
"Let's take her out.

"Let's take her down the street.

"Let's roll her down a hill.

"Let's put dirt on her.

"Help me put dirt on the baby.

It builds immunities."
You know what I mean?

We're just very
different people, my wife and I.

Like, I looked up
our love languages.

Love language is just about
how different people

express love differently.

And I looked up mine
and mine is the dumbest one.

My love language is verbal.

So that means I just tell you,
I'm just like "I love you."

That's my love language,
is telling you I love you.

My wife's is acts of service,

so that means my wife
just does things for me

to let me know
that she loves me.

And it ends up
creating weird interactions.

Like, a normal day for us

is I'll turn to my wife
and I'll be like

"Honey, I know this is gonna
sound a little weird,

"but like,
I've never met someone like you

"that makes me feel so young

"but also so mature
at the same time,

"and, like, so totally myself
every minute of the day,

and it's just why I love you."

And then she'll go

"I got you those pens you like."

And then we get a divorce?

I don't know.

My wife wants to be cremated,
I'll tell you that.

She wants to be cremated

and I know this

because she tells me

once a day.

Does that feel like
a lot to you guys?

Because it feels like
a lot to me.

Every day my wife is like--
like we'll be sitting

watching Queer Eye
and she'll be like

"Remember to burn my corpse
when I die."

I'm like "Jesus Christ, okay."

Fuck, got it.
Like you said yesterday, got it.

So...

she had a birthday coming up.

I wanted to do
something nice for her.

So I went to a mortuary

and tried to get that
taken care of for her.

I went into a mortuary
and I was like

"Burn my wife's body
when she dies,"

and they were like,
"We can't sign her up for that

without her here."

I was like, "Okay,
you're ruining her present."

And, you know,
then they ask me

what I would like to have happen
to my body when I die.

And I--I'm not like my wife.

I want to be buried.

I've decided I wanna be buried.

If that's--if the grave
is the last little space

I get on earth, I'll take it.

I want it.

I want that, that's my square,
I want it.

I wanna inconvenience
future generations.

Oh, you wanted
to build a school here?

Tough shit,
I'm having a lie-down.

[laughter]

So then I was like,
"Could you do this?

"Could you fix it

"so that I'm buried in the grave

"with my wife's ashes

"so that I could miss the point
of her instructions

"one last time?

That would be great."

I wanna die as I lived--

misinterpreting
her instructions.

There's just places
in the country

where certain forms
of expressing yourself

are really frowned upon.
I don't know.

The only emotion men are allowed
to express is anger.

So when I became old enough
that I was on my own,

I wanted
to talk about everything.

I wanted to barf up
all the feelings I had

and say things
that were inappropriate--

fuck, piss, shit,

cock and ass,

you know, dick...juice.

I wanted to say
all of those things

especially dick juice.

I would only say them onstage.

I would only, like,
really open up onstage.

And that wasn't healthy either,

but it did make me addicted
to stand up, which I think,

you know, eventually got me

to do it professionally
a little bit.

We lived in West Hollywood
for a while.

We had to move

because we had the baby,
we needed more space.

But also, you know,
there was a feature

in our West Hollywood apartment

that I didn't
really need anymore,

which the feature was
our apartment had a woman

who was experiencing
homelessness,

who would sit outside
our bedroom window

at 6:00 AM

and scream.

Just scream at 6:00 AM.

And you know the part
that bothered me

was not that she was screaming.

The part was that
I can't get up at 7:00 AM

to go to the gym
and this woman's like,

"Oh, it's 10 to 6:00 I got to be
screaming outside that window,"

you know what I mean?

And I forgot to tell you--
she didn't just scream,

she would scream-laugh.

So at 6:00 AM,
she'd just be going

[maniacal laughing]

I was like "Fuck,
she's happier than me, too."

She's killing it
and I'm sitting in bed

worrying about my mortgage.

So, we moved out
to Highland Park.

Highland Park--not--I mean,
you know, I love it there

but it's not that much
better of a neighborhood.

I got that Citizen app.

You know, this is the app that,

like, tells you about crimes

that are occurring
in your neighborhood.

Don't get this thing.

I was home alone with the baby
a couple of nights ago

and the Citizen app went off,

and the message said

"Man with a knife,

60 feet away."

Sixty feet?

I started checking
the cupboards.

Is he in there?

I looked at my hand,
do I have a knife?

Is it me?

You know what I ended up doing?

I just shut the curtain.

Does that keep knives out?

I feel like that guy
is walking around

with an app that's like,
"Guy just shutting the curtain.

Go stab him."

But I love LA.
I love every neighborhood of LA.

I love this city

and I have this very right-wing
father-in-law

who hates LA.

And his favorite question
to ask,

any time we're talking

is he wants to ask about LA,
he'll always be like

"But how were you doing
with the fires?

"How were the fires?

"Had the fires affected--
are you on fire?

"Is the baby on fire?

How are you all dealing
with the fires?"

And you know
that he loves the fires,

you know he loves the fires

because in his weird
Fox News brain,

he thinks the fires
make him right.

Like, he thinks
if you raise the minimum wage,

shit catches on fire,
you know.

And I know where
he's coming from actually,

because every time
I'm watching the news

and I see a town in Alabama
or Louisiana that's flooded,

I'm like "Well, shouldn't have
been a racist and--"

that's not fair either.

That's not fair either.

And maybe we got COVID-19
because we all suck, so...

My father-in-law is Jewish

and pro-gun.

He thinks that the teachers
should all have guns.

You know, so like
instead of a shooting,

we could have a shootout.

I don't know.

He just--he drives me crazy
with that shit.

I--I'm so anti-gun.

You know,
where I'm from is West Virginia

and they have open carry there.

So, when I go home
for Thanksgiving

and I'm walking into Target,
I see guys that just have guns

on their hip, you know?

And it bothers me.

First of all, it bothers me

that when they're walking
into Target,

they don't take a couple
of shots at that Target.

That feels...

like a missed opportunity.

But also,
I'm bothered by the guns.

I don't like guns,

and I'll tell you
why I don't like them--

I'm afraid of them.

Here's how I know
I'm afraid of guns.

This is completely true.

Every time I see a gun,

my asshole closes.

That's how scary guns are.

That's the best idea
my body has to protect me.

My brain's like, "Uh-oh, a gun,"

and my body's like,
"I got it.

There you go."

That wouldn't even help me
if someone was firing

into my asshole.

[laughter]

One time I did that joke
and another comedian was like,

"Why was your asshole open?"

And...

it's a fair question.

I mean my asshole puckers.

You guys get it.

And my dad works at Walmart,

and he sees people
who buy a gun once a month.

So, they have a gun collection,

which I guess is legal.

I don't know why their friends
don't treat that

like it's really creepy.

That's a creepy
collection to have, right?

That would be like
if you came over to my house

and I was like
"Hey, welcome to my apartment.

"Here's my collection of rags

"that I've soaked in chloroform.

"What? What? I just like
to have a lot of something

"that I could put
over someone's mouth

"and then knock them out
and lock them in a basement.

"I'm not going to do it,

"it's just in case I need to.

What? It's a sport!
It's a sport!"

[laughter]

But I mentioned
I'm from West Virginia

and I really want people
to understand what that's like.

I--you know,
if you wanna understand,

you can go on Netflix right now

and there's a documentary
called Recovery Boys

and it'll tell you
everything you need to know

about being from West Virginia.

It's all about guys
from West Virginia

who get addicted to opioids,

but there's a moment
in the documentary

that sums up exactly
what it's like to be

from West Virginia.

This one guy relapses

and his drug counselor
goes to him

and he's like,
"Dude, why are you doing this?

"You're ruining your life.

"Why are you relapsing?

You're ruining your life."

And the guy says something
that is exactly what it is

to be from West Virginia.

He goes
"You're ruining your life.

Why are you doing this?"
And the guy goes,

"I'll tell you what, man.

There ain't nothing
to do here."

[laughter]

That's so real.

That is what it is,

you know what I mean?

I went to college
in Memphis, Tennessee.

And it was actually like

finally going
to metropolitan Paris,

moving from West Virginia
to Tennessee.

College was good for me

because I was like
a theater major

and, you know, people think
theater majors are dorks

and they are,
but they also are heavily

into drugs and sex,

and all the things
that sort of force you

to loosen up a little bit.

As you can see
I'm extremely loose now

and I really don't have
all the hang-ups

about [quietly] religion

or [quietly] sex

[normal volume]
that I used to.

So, you know.

My big problem was growing up,

like, my grandfather
always thought

the end of the world was coming.

Everybody I knew thought
the end of the world was coming.

But my grandfather

was the pastor of our church,
right?

And he would always preach
every Sunday

about the Book of Revelation,
right?

Every Sunday.

And so every Sunday
my grandfather would be

up on a stage like this
and he'd be saying

"The end times
are coming, y'all.

"The end of the world is near.

"Armageddon will come
and everyone will die

"or be taken to heaven.

"And it could happen
any day now.

It could happen tomorrow."

And then on Monday
he'd be like

"So what do you wanna be
when you grow up?"

[laughter]

"In heaven, I guess,

if all that shit's happening."

[laughter]

But the end of the world,
everybody thinks

that the end
of the world is here. It's not.

When people say
"the end of the world,"

they just mean
that the world is changing.

All of these apps, the news,

they're trying
to get you to think

that the end of the world
is here.

It's not here.

Don't listen to them.

Here in Los Angeles,

there are people now

that are just like the people
in West Virginia

who think the end of the world
is coming.

I'll tell people
that I had a kid--

this really happened.

Any time you tell people
in Los Angeles you had a kid,

they're a little confused.

Like I was at a party,
I was like,

"Oh, yeah, we had a baby."
And people are like,

"Why?

Like for commercials?"

[laughter]

But then this one woman,
I swear to God,

like, I told her we had a baby
and she was like,

"Well,
what about climate change?"

[laughter]

Fuck you?

I don't know
what to say to that.

Climate change?
"Well, we just want the baby

to live a little while,
then die."

What do you think
I'm gonna say to that?

Climate change.
And look, you know what, guys?

I believe that climate change
is real, I do.

But I think we have to see

the brighter side
of climate change, okay?

We're gonna lose
some of the coasts.

We don't need those coasts.

Myrtle Beach,
we do not need that.

Florida,
we could lose all of Florida.

We will be better for it.

And San Diego,
they're not hurting

but they're not helping,
you know what I mean?

It's very Smashmouth
down there.

I say we get rid of them, too.

And maybe once we all have to,
like, live in Nebraska

as roommates
with like a chore wheel,

we'll finally have
a conversation.

We'll finally talk
about some shit, you know?

Like, yeah, sure,
I'm worried about, you know,

raising a kid in climate change,

but, like, I don't know,

maybe if a kid's never known
another world,

that could be fun for a kid,
you know what I mean?

You get to live
on a boat with Dad, you know?

Dad drinks his own pee.

That could be kind of fun.

I'll tell you one thing,

it's gonna be impossible
to discipline her

if we don't stop
polluting the planet,

'cause when she's 15,
I can't go to her and be like,

"Kind of disappointed
you got a D on that math test."

She's gonna be like,
"I'm disappointed I have to wear

a respirator outside."

And I'm gonna be like,
"Touché.

You don't have to go to school."

[laughter]

But everybody has been like,

"This is the worst year ever.

This is the worst year."

No, it's not.

2020 is not
the worst year ever.

Let me tell you guys about 1350.

[laughter]

In 1350,
they had the bubonic plague.

Do you know what that was?

That was buboes.

It's called bubonic
'cause you got buboes.

Do you know what buboes are?

They're goiters
you get on your dick.

- [WOMAN] Ew.
- In the year 1350,

you and every one you knew

was dying of dick goiters.

[laughter]

And no one knew
how to cure it.

They ask the best scientists
at the time in 1350.

They were like,
"What is causing this?"

And in 1350,
the scientists were like,

"Well, Jupiter
is in the house of Saturn."

- That was not helpful.
- [laughter]

You do not have it
as bad as those people.

You have Postmates.

- [laughter]
- Those people were like,

"I can't go out
and grind the bread

because of all
the dick goiters, so..."

[laughter]

So be happy, be proud.

And know this too shall pass.

I think that's it for me.

You guys have been incredible.

I'll see you later.

- Bye-bye.
- [cheers and applause]

[PRODUCER] Have your parents
seen you do standup?

They have. They have.

They don't like it.

They don't--no.

I mean, my family wasn't
always comfortable

with me doing standup.

And we did have conversations
about it eventually.

And I kind of told my mom,

"Uh, well, if you don't like it,

"I just won't ever let you know

what I'm doing in my life."

And then she was like,

"Okay, I like it."

- And I was like, "Cool."
- [applause]

[ANNOUNCER]
Give it up for Jared Logan.

Let him hear it.

They're very proud of me.

And...cut the cameras.

♪

[PRODUCER]
When was the last time

you performed
in front of a live audience?

Like, officially, three months.

But one month
because I did something

outside of the Laugh Factory

in conjunction with the protest
that was going on.

I wouldn't all the way
call that standup

because it was more
speaking to the moment

and--but I definitely did
some jokes in there

'cause it was like,
"I'm not gonna get up here

and not do what I do."

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

[ANNOUNCER]
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage,

Clayton English.
Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

Thanks for more noise.

This is my first time
out the house.

This is my first time
seeing people.

Come on, man.

Yeah.

This year--this is a long year.

Was this year a two-for-one?

What kind of year is this?

This buy one, get one?

This is--it's not over yet?

This is crazy,
everybody out here

despite what's going on.

My dad try to give me
information, too,

as soon as it happen.
He said, "Hey, whatever you do,

don't go test.
Don't get tested."

He said, "If you go down there,
you're gonna get it."

I said, "What?"

He said, "If you go down there,
you're gonna get it

'cause that's where
they got it."

I said, "What?"

I said, "Well, how do you find
out if you got it?"

He said, "Oh, you gonna know
if you got it.

"And when you know,
you're just going down there

"with everybody else
who got it.

"But don't go down there
and see if you got it

'cause you're gonna get it."
I was like--

[laughter]

The shit didn't make sense
but it made all the sense.

He had me scared to take a test.

I'm like, "No, I'm not going
until I see symptoms."

I called my dad a week later.

I was like,
"Dad, what's up, man?"

He was like, "Yeah. I got it."

I said, "Damn. You got it?"

I said,
"Why did you go down there?"

He said,
"'Cause I knew I had it."

I said, "Oh, my God."

He was right. He was right.

He knew he had it.
Time to go down there.

They're try to tell you--
I don't know, man.

Look, I'm not getting sick.

I'm not stopping doing
nothing I've been doing.

I'm a comedian.
My lifestyle is different.

I'm up late.

We drink. We smoke.
Yes, I do all of this.

If I do get the virus,
the virus is gonna have to--

like the inside of my body
is like Essence Music Fest.

It's popping in there, man.

It's like a river of Hennessy
flowing through me.

It's kush all in my lungs.

The corona gonna come in,

my cells gonna show them
a good time.

"Let's go, man. What's up?

"Oh, you're the COVID?

"Hey, man!

"Bruh, we heard about you.
Come on, man.

"Go ahead,
get you a little kush.

"It's in the lungs.
You can get whatever.

- We got a little Hennessy."
- [laughter]

We're gonna show COVID
a great time.

COVID ain't gonna get me sick.

- He gonna get sick.
- [laughter]

COVID only 19.

He ain't supposed to be
drinking like this.

COVID throwing up somewhere
in the trachea.

"Where do I get out of here?

[audience laughs]

"He's still eating chicken wings
at 2:00 in the morning.

"What the [bleep] is going on?

"I gotta leave.
I'm leaving on the next sneeze.

I'm out of here."

My parents were married,
and then they split.

You know, they would leave,

get back together,
leave, get back together,

but you could see stuff
wasn't really working out.

My dad, you know, he moved on.

My mom, same thing.

But me and my brother,
we always tried to

have each other's back.

[PRODUCER] Were you older
or younger than your brother?

I'm older.
I'm seven years older.

Sesame Streethad to
talk to the kids about racism.

PBS prepared you for people.

You saw all different types
of people.

You saw all ethnicities
on there,

Sesame Street.
Everybody was on Sesame Street.

You see people
you're gonna see in real life.

Bert and Ernie, you'd have seen
plenty of Bert and Ernies.

West Hollywood
Bert and Ernie'd out.

You've seen everybody.
You've see Cookie Monster.

You've see somebody
with an addiction problem.

- You're like--
- [laughter]

look how his eyes get
whenever the liquor come out.

Mr. Rogers, that's the first
person I saw

that had money
that didn't have a job.

[laughter]

Mr. Rogers had money,
didn't have a job.

Mr. Rogers show up at his house
like 10:00 in the morning.

[laughter]

Where are you coming from?

He come in wearing some shit
from the last night

and then change
into some shit just like it.

[laughter]

He take a sweater off
and put another cardigan on

that's like that cardigan.

Take off them Keds,
put on some more Keds.

Feed his fish
and wait for the mail to come.

[laughter]

Sound like Mr. Rogers
is selling dope,

scamming, something.

It's not--it's nothing good.

Anybody that get home at 10:00
in the morning

to wait for the mailman,

that's not no legal shit
to be doing.

Carmen Sandiego.
Oh, man, she was a city girl.

Carmen Sandiego
was a Instagram thot

before they existed.

She had on a little low hat,
be flying from place to place,

scamming people,
stealing shit.

I don't think
she was a ho, though.

You'd think she would be a ho,

but I don't think she was,
'cause she had a coat.

Hos don't have coats.
I don't know...

if you're aware.
Hos don't have a use for coats.

The most you'll ever see
a ho in is a jacket

and it's never her jacket.

Some jacket for a track team
for a high school.

She ain't even in high school.

Where the fuck
did you get this...

jacket from?

It's 15 below, you in a jacket.

Hos don't have coats.

Can we do some research
on why hos don't need coats?

Like--not women.

Women need coats.
A grown woman.

That's how you know a woman,
when she has a coat.

I don't talk to women
without coats.

If I get to your house, move,
I wanna see the closet.

[laughter]

Jacket, jacket,

hoodie, jacket.

Where the fuck is your coat?

That's what I wanna know.

You don't have a coat?

- Gotta leave.
- [laughter]

This is stuff
I think about, man.

I gotta be real, though.

It's just good to see
everybody in here

with all the racism going on.

White people, y'all covering
shifts for the protest.

I love it.

Y'all ain't never been out
there before.

Y'all gotta cool out, though.

You having
a little too much fun.

You having a little
too much fun.

You're on skateboards
and shit.

Motherfuckers on scooters,
jumping off the curb.

What are you--hey, man.

This ain't no
Caprice commercial, man.

Get your--get y'all ass in--

back in the line with everybody.

And say the song right.

[laughter]

These motherfuckers doing
tricks, ollies and shit.

This ain't Tony Hawk.

I mean, that's--it's
different to see.

You got everybody out there.

Everybody, Black people,

white people, Hispanic people,
Asian people.

Like I was surprised
the Amish people was out there.

How the fuck they find out?
Who told them?

Eli sneaking Wi-Fi, man.

Eli got Wi-Fi.

Eli got Wi-Fi
like a motherfucker, man.

He on there ordering shit
from Amazon.

[laughter]

How did they find out?

They showed up.
It was like, "Go get the cart.

"Go get--go get the buggy.

We finna ride."

That's crazy.
Everybody showed up.

Witches showed up.

I didn't know witches
were still around.

I was like, "Damn.

We thought they burnt y'all
all up."

[laughter]

"Y'all back, huh? Okay. Cool."

Everybody. Batman.

Batman was out at the protest.

Full suit on.

Batman. You saw Batman.

I said, "Batman out here?

"Damn.

"He the epitome
of white privilege,

and he even see
this shit fucked up?"

You got all the money.

You dress up and beat
the shit out of poor people

in the inner city. Bam.

- Hey - don't do that.
- [laughter]

What is wrong with you, man?

Open a community center.

Do something.

You wanna beat people's ass.

We didn't ask for
all these people, either.

Some of these people--
even the devil worshippers.

I'm like, "No, man. Fuck it."

How wrong you gotta be with
the devil to be like,

"Oh, whoa. What the fuck
are they doing there?

"All my followers,
get out there.

[laughter]

Tell them it ain't bad
like that down here."

[laughter]

My family's originally
from Pensacola, Florida,

and Pensacola, Florida is not
the sweetest place right now

for Black people.

Or any people.

No. I'm playing.

It's--I love it
because it's the beach,

and the people there
are just good people,

but you'll hear some stories.

Like my dad was like--as a kid,

where he grew up, like they
would follow the trail of blood

from Friday night
to Saturday morning

and they would see
who got stabbed

and who got killed.

Like, you hear
about the Ku Klux Klan.

You hear about these things.

You hear about stuff,

and it's not that far removed.

It's like, you can go
to a family member that--

that'll tell you the story.

You hearing it secondhand,

but it's only one removed
from a person.

We never talk about the issues.

We need to talk
about what's going on.

Police killing unarmed
Black citizens

and getting away with it.

Slap on the wrist.

Murder for no reason.

Sometimes they say
they had a gun

but they can never find the gun.

All types of things.

And what they do?

They wanna give us everything

but what we're asking for.

We ask for that.

"Well, we'll take
down these statues."

Nobody asked you
take down the statue.

That's cool,
but can we--that's nice.

Thank you for taking down
the statue

but what about the shit we--
"Well, all right, look.

"We gonna play
the Black national anthem

"at the beginning--

at the beginning
of every NFL game."

Who the fuck--
I don't want that.

I don't even know
the whole song.

No.

Damn.

Now I gotta figure this shit out
so I can sing along,

'cause I'm not even
going to be--

You in Green Bay,
you gotta call your girl like,

"Hey, baby, do you know
the words to the goddamn

"'Lift Every Voice and Sing'
'cause I'm right here,

"and these white people got me
on the Jumbotron.

"They got me on the Jumbotron.

"I'm supposed to lead them.
I don't know the words.

"I'ma put my AirPods in
and you sing it out loud,

and I'll mouth with you, okay?
Let's go."

[laughter]

That's not what we asked for.

What we're asking for
is just to be treated human.

You got mad when property got
destroyed, didn't you?

People was mad.

You target Black people,
well, we're gonna target Target.

[laughter]

You target us,
we're gonna target Target.

We--Target's
been--had it coming.

They got too uppity,

ever since people start
calling them Tar-jay,

and they jacked
their prices up.

No. Target, you--hey, I'm glad.

I saw a Target burn
and I was like,

"You're goddamn right.
Let me go...

by there and see
what the fuck is left."

[laughter]

It's crazy, 'cause at one point,

Black people
was considered property.

So now they mad
their old property

destroying their new property.

And if you would've addressed
the problems,

maybe this wouldn't
be happening.

But we never address it.

We just give you
a little something here,

a little something there.

And they're scared
when everybody realize it

and you see somebody in office

that's not really trying
to make anything better.

I mean, Trump--Trump
amazing in one aspect, man.

He's amazing in one aspect.

He's the only person I know

who could
give a 30-minute speech

and only use 18 words.

That's the most...

amazing shit I done ever
seen in my life, man.

This man pick one word
for that speech

and he ride that bitch out.

Whatever that word is,
oh, he gonna use that one.

[as Trump]
"As we all know, at first,

"there was a lot of people,

"then there was
some more people.

"Those people told
another group of people.

"All these people came.
More people came.

"I said,
'Look at all the people.'

"There's so many people.

"They said it was no people.
They didn't see it.

"'Cause I was there.
I saw the people.

"At one point I said,

"'Tell those people
to tell those people

"we don't need
any more people, okay?'

"No more people.

"That's enough people.

"I've seen people
who peep through the peephole.

"I've seen people--"
and you're like, "Oh, shit.

"It had to be a lot of people.

"I mean, ain't no way
it wasn't a lot of people.

"He just said it 10,000 times.

It's gotta be--" Man.

It's weird, though.
You see what's going on

and we gotta face it.

We talk about stuff different.

We do.
Black-on-Black crime.

Why we the only ones?

Nobody else got
a crime-on crime.

White-on-white crime,
that's regular crime.

They don't even do that
with nobody else.

Asian-on-Asian crime,
no, they don't.

That was whatever. Them
motherfuckers fought it out.

Whatever.
Latino-on-Latino crime,

No, they was in--
you do crime who you near.

Who's commuting to do crime?
What--

"Hey, man, we got a carpool.
We're gonna go out here.

We'll drive out there
to Modesto, you know?"

For what?

Also, whenever Black people
do something,

they made it seem like we all
have something to do with it.

Black people shoot up some
shit. It could be

a Black person.
He could shoot up some shit.

"I don't know what's wrong
with Black community.

"They are out of control.

"They need to get ahold
of their community.

"Where is their leadership?
I can't believe

that they would allow
this to happen." I'm like,

"First all,
I don't even know him.

"I ain't never seen him before.

They don't come
to none of the meetings."

Look at the white people
in here,

"I told you they had meetings.
I told you.

"You're gonna fucking
listen to me one day, Susan.

They fucking
are having meetings."

But, yeah,
they make it seem like

we all responsible
for something.

But I noticed

when white people do shit,
oh, man,

you separate yourselves,
don't you?

You know, a lot
of the mass shootings

has been white dudes
that went crazy and the numbers

are so crazy.
That's why it's so appalling.

It's 80 shots,
16 people wounded,

eight dead. You like,
"Oh, shit. Was he trying

"to get a triple double?
What the fuck is going on?

"This shit is--
this shit is out of hand."

And then they get on there
and nobody knows him.

They get on there,
"Oh, as we could see,

"he didn't have much friends,
any family. He kept to himself.

"Uh, actually he was--
he was a lone wolf.

"He has--
we don't know any parents.

"He actually was raised
by wolves. He was raised--

"Since a little cub,
he was raised by wolves.

"He's a lone wolf. He had a wolf
on his jacket, okay?

"He wasn't one of us.
He wasn't a person.

"He had a--he rode a wolf. He
rode a wolf to the crime scene.

"We took his mask off,
found he was actually a wolf.

Case closed. Let's go."

Oh, man, I've been arrested
for several things.

I've definitely been arrested
for marijuana.

I've been arrested
because I smelled like weed.

I've been arrested
other times just for insurance,

small things. And then
sometimes no reason at all.

I got arrested
in my driveway one time

and he didn't tell me
what he was taking me to jail

until we got down
and it was for obstruction.

And he just tried to tie me
to some other kids

in the neighborhood.
He was like,

"Oh, no. You're the look out,
and your little buddy

with the hat on, he's going
around breaking into cars."

I'm like, "Man, I don't know
what you are talking about."

The sad part is,
a lot of Black people

have had that experience of
getting arrested for no reason.

It go--it works every way, too.
If you don't believe me,

just watch the news.

White people got nicer words
for shit.

White people got a whole thing
going on right now.

This opioid shit.
You see it.

But opioids--
just say it, "opioids."

Opioids.

It's made to say quietly.

"Susan, look,

"my son, I found out
he's on... [whispers] opioids.

"He's just,"--opioids.

You can be in a crowded party
and talk about who's addicted

to opioids and nobody knows
what the fuck's going on.

"Are you sure it's opioids?"
"I know it's opioids.

"It has to be. He's lethargic.
He's sleepy.

I looked it up.
It said it was opioids."

No, not Black people.
We don't--what do we have?

Crack.

Can't say that quiet, can you?

"I don't know,
I think my son's smoking crack."

"What? Your son's smoking--hey.

Yo, her son's
smoking crack, yo."

Come on. Ain't no whispering
about crack, man.

Crack is a loud drug. Like--

"Listen man, you know,
you gotta tell a crackhead,"--

"Hey, man. Be quiet. What
the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry, man.
It's this crack. Shit.

I got--I got no volume control
when I'm on the crack."

You can't whisper "crack."
It's not possible. Just try it.

Try it right now.

You can hear it clicking up
in your throat.

You start sounding like
a crackhead.

"You got any c-c-c-crack?"

Like...

Them damn opioids,
you can...

"Look, I usually don't do this
but do have you any opioids?"

"In my purse, if you want one."

You think I'm making it up.
I'm not. I'm telling you.

It's true. And I watched
the protest on the news

but I have been part
of the protest.

I went out to a protest.
Cool. Came back.

Planned to go to the protest.
It was lovely, peaceful.

We marched around.
Then like two days later,

I'm at the house.

The protest comes by my house.

Like, right out the window.
I can see everybody,

and I'm like, "Oh, shit.
I gotta go.

"Like, I gotta go. There's
no way I can't go out here

if they're right by
the window." So I go out there.

Everybody in the neighborhood
is out there.

It's going. Like, they're
playing, like, Childish Gambino.

This---I mean, all the songs.
Fuck Donald Trump.""

I'm out there, I'm like,
"Oh, this shit is live.

"Okay. It's like--
it's like a woke Freaknik.

"This shit is cool, man.
They--they're gonna pull

"some titties out in
the name of righteousness.

This is--this is--this
is where I need to be."

So I'm out there, and everybody
on my block is coming out.

They're filming with their
phones. All types of people.

Everybody, White people,
Asian people, Hispanic people,

everybody's out there
on the phone with their dogs.

I turn the corner
with the group.

Then I turned the other corner
with the group.

And then that's when I realize
I have fucked up,

'cause the police
were right at both ends,

and there wasn't
nowhere else to go.

And I noticed everybody that
was out went in their house.

Like, you know,
that little thing where Homer

be in the bushes?
Like, they was like--

Everybody just faded
into the wall,

like shoop! 'Cause
they stayed on their street.

They stayed. I turned.

I turned.
So I tried to take this way.

A few police
already arresting people,

putting the cuffs on them.

There's one,
he ain't got active yet,

so I tried to squeeze by him
like, you know, when the--

when the church is crowded
and you trying to get through.

I was--I was acting
like a bitch trying to get

in the VIP section and shit.
I was like, "Excuse me.

I'm just trying to go this--"
He grabbed his gun.

He's like, "Get the fuck
back over there!" I was like,

"Oh, shit.
Okay. That's not gonna work."

So I'm like, "Okay, Clayton, you
gotta think. You gotta think.

"I'm not going to jail
for this bullshit.

Like, I can't. I can't."

So I start walking
the other way.

And I was like,
"I'm just gonna walk.

I'm not gonna look at him.
I'm just gonna keep walking."

And he--and I walked,
and the policeman was right here

and I almost got by him.
He was like, "Hey,

where are you going?" I said,
"Man, I'm working undercover,

"and you guys
are blowing it, okay?

The fuck are you--
who's in charge?"

He said, "Get the fuck back."
I was like [groans].

Now I'm trying to figure
this shit out,

and I don't know
what's gonna happen.

'Cause I'm out there with this
group, and there's young kids.

There's a lot
of young kids out there.

Long story short,
whole standoff happens.

A white lady came out to help,

a compassionate Karen,
if you will.

I say "compassionate Karen"
because she kind of helped.

She was like, "Hey, you guys can
come in my apartment building

"and they won't be able
to get you." And we got in there

and she was like, "Okay, but you
guys can't stay in the hallway.

"You have to go on the roof."
And I was like, "Shit,

that ain't how the
Underground Railroad worked."

Motherfucker didn't be lie,
"Hey, you're going to have to

pop your head up in Nashville
and wave around."

"What are you
talking about?"

So she's like,
"Stay on the roof." Cool.

We're on the roof.

This is when I was like, "Okay,

"LA is on some whole
other shit right now,"

because a helicopter
showed up for us

and started circling,
and I was like,

"Who the fuck am I with?"

Who--what--maybe
this wasn't the right protest.

Maybe this was--
the signs are right

but all of this is unnecessary
for what I thought.

So, man, we're on the news,
everything.

There was a standoff. The lady
who let us in, she was like,

"Guys, we're gonna make
the news." And I was like,

"As a Black man,
that is never the goal."

Waking up in the morning, that
is never what the fuck is--

"Man, you know what?
I'm trying to make the news."

No. You never want that.

Then there was another dude on
the roof, and he was real eager.

He was acting
like he was the leader.

And he was like, "Okay, guys,
stick with your buddy.

"Find a buddy. Get out of there.
Stick together.

"You gotta find a way out.
You know what?

Let's spell BLM
on this roof right now."

And people started doing it,
and I was like, "Oh, my God.

"Like, I'm trapped
with the wrong fucking people."

And then he looked back at me,
and he had big teeth, too,

the big fake teeth,
and he was like,

"We're gonna be on the news."
And I was like [groans].

"These motherfuckers wanna be
on the news."

I'm trying to see if I can
jump to the next roof.

I'm like, "I've done
played enough PlayStation.

"I've played Assassin's Creed.
I should be able

to goddamn spider jump
this shit."

I did the same shit
that happened to my parents,

trying to go out there
and goofed it up.

But, yeah, no,
they were proud, I think,

'cause they know I kind
of been out protesting before.

And my brother, that's really
what he does. Like, he's been--

he's been
at these things since--

I don't know. He--it's a shame
that he's been having to do them

this long. But he's a
photographer in like--since--

I know since 2012
like he's been.

[MAN] Oh, so he goes out
in the thick of it.

Oh, he's out there.
And I worry about him

being caught up in the mix.
And he's a tall dude.

I'm like, "You're gonna stand
out in a crowd.

You know what I mean?
So just be safe, man, and--"

It's crazy.

The compassionate Karen left.

Didn't see her no more.

Wouldn't let anybody
in the apartment.

The little big-teethed,

eager ringleader left.
Don't know where he went.

Probably with
the compassionate Karen.

They was probably in cahoots.

Next thing you know
police come on the roof,

arrest all of us,
like, 50 of us.

I'm trying to explain.
This is when I was like,

"I'm with the movement but right
now I'm trying to go home.

"But, look, just look around.
I'm the oldest person here.

"I'm the only one
without a skateboard.

"Me, the only one
without a skateboard,

you think I'm just out here?"

He pulled out my ID.

I guess he saw my age
and he was like,

"We got the leader over here."
And I was like, "Where?

Where is the leader?
What does he have on?"

They was like, "Okay. So you
in charge of the roof boys?"

I was like, "The roof boys?
They have a name?

"They have a name?
Who the fuck was I with?"

[groans]

Now I'm caught up
with the roof boys.

They'll take us all to jail.

Go to jail
in a big sheriff bus.

The bus ride was the best
'cause these kids

knew how to get out
of their cuffs.

They didn't even pat
anybody down.

They let me bring
my cellphone on there.

One dude had a screwdriver
loosening other people's cuffs.

Another kid had a knife,
getting shit. I was like,

"They lucky these
kids are actually peaceful."

One kid had a vape pen.

He's smoking bubble kush
in the back of the sheriff bus.

I could not get my cuffs off.
I guess my wrists are too old

for that trickery.
So I was like,

"How did you do it?"

"You gotta get some sweat."
"I am sweaty now,

"but look like
you just rolled up out of it

but mine got tighter."

I just looked at the dude
with the--with the little--

with the little vape pen.
I was like,

"Man, go and let me hit it,"
you know?

He tried to pass it to me
like my hands work.

I said, "Man, put it to my lips.
You see what's going on."

It's the only time
I ever hit anything

from another man's hand.
That's--

They didn't even take us to real
jail. That was the crazy part.

We got to jail. It wasn't jail.
It was some tents set up.

I said, "What are these?"
They said,

"This is like a mobile jail."
Mobile jail.

You can't spring too much new
shit on me in one night.

What the fuck? Now what did
I get arrested for?

"Curfew." Curfew?
I'm a grown person. Curfew?

"You're gonna have
to go to court." "What else?"

"Throw in two counts
of roughhousing on there.

How about that?"
If I'm in trouble for curfew,

I want all
the little kid charges.

I ain't eat my veggies.

"I ain't eat vegetables
all week, Your Honor.

"I was running with scissors
too, last Wednesday.

"Ate a baloney and cheese
sandwich, jumped straight

"in the pool.
I don't give a fuck.

I have no regards
for y'all law."

No, hey, man,
I fucking love y'all.

This been the best shit
in a minute.

Y'all are awesome.
I've been Clayton English.

Let's go.

[cheers and applause]

I remember when I was a kid,

the suburbs
was trying to tell me,

probably what most of America
was thinking--

Black people are just
supposed to be one thing.

When I was a teenager,
we moved to Atlanta.

Atlanta's kind of where I did
all my important growing up.

The actual city of Atlanta,
you're seeing artists.

You're seeing advocacy.
You're seeing freedom fighters,

like, that actually live
in the city. You could still

- like talk to these people.
- Good shit, man.

Thank you, man.
Appreciate it man.

And it just let me see
how folks

can interact with everybody.

Cool. Cool.

♪