Original subtitles

When I'm outside of the purview of stand-up,

when I'm in a different world, like, if somebody is like,

"We're gonna go to dinner party,"

and there's gonna be a bunch of people there

that aren't associated with entertainment or comedy,

I'm afraid I'll say something off-color

and then the whole night's over, you know,

'cause you've been hanging out with these loons

that say fucking nutty shit all the time.

What's up, dude.

Growing up, I was singing and playing the drums.

And I was also in the band on the drum line,

and I often hear myself being rhythmic in my comedy.

And I was, like, I just never knew

that the two would connect.

I dealt with some gender identity issues

in a--in a-- at a very young age,

and I used to dress completely like a boy,

and, um, the eighth grade,

you know, that's when I really started

having feelings for women.

And that's when I realized,

"Okay, I'm a full-blown tomboy

and I'm not like these other girls."

And that was a struggle for me.

And I guess I just like it when people laugh.

You know, when people are laughing, they're not angry.

But, like, family gatherings, there's always gonna be, like,

tension in the air and, you know,

I just like that moment when people laugh.

[laughs]

I guess I don't like it when people are angry.

Right?

Maybe I should've thought about this more

before I came here.

[interviewer laughs]

[chattering]

[ANNOUNCER] Coming to the stage is the man next to me,

I need a lot of energy from y'all, please, right now.

Give him some love. Give him some love.

Please give it up for Dave Waite.

[cheers and applause]

♪

Yeah.

All right.

Shit, huh?

Oh, man.

I'm out-- I don't have a mask on.

I'm just a raw-dogging the air, like, you guys. Look at us.

It's just whoo, fuck.

Ah.

How about this backdrop?

Am I on "The Bachelorette" or something?

[laughter]

Am I getting a rose?

You would root for the bald guy on "The Bachelorette," right?

[laughter]

They've never had a bald guy.

You'd be like, "That's my guy.

Baldy, get in there, buddy."

I was in a 7-Eleven the other day.

Somebody sneezed. I almost burned that whole place down.

- [laughter] - This place is canceled, bro.

You can't have people sneezing in here.

It's over.

Oh, man.

I got--I got a dad bod.

I don't know if that's from the quarantine or life.

I don't know what that's about.

I've been saying a lot of dad stuff lately.

I'm turning into a dad.

I'm telling people to knock it off.

I'm telling people to cut it out.

I'm asking "What's that noise in there?" a lot.

And it's just me. I don't have any kids.

- [laughter] - I'm just like, "Knock it off."

Stop it.

I sit on my porch now. I yell at cars when they drive by.

[laughter]

I'm out there smoking cigarettes, yelling at cars,

drinking beers like a white trash dad.

I'm just like, "Slow it down."

[laughter]

Timing belt. You know that guy?

He just diagnoses a car when it drives by.

Muffler.

Wouldn't want to be that guy in six weeks.

[laughter]

All right. Let me check my notes.

Be funny. Mission accomplished.

- All right. - [laughter]

[applause]

I was an only child for, like, 10 years.

So I think that kind of plays into why I became a comedian.

So if I did anything goofy, I had everybody's attention,

you know, and then would make people laugh.

I remember it very vividly. It was Thanksgiving morning

and, you know, I was pumped 'cause there's food

and there's a lot of activity

and, like, I always kind of, like, you know,

performed, you know.

I've always been performing, even probably as a kid.

And my parents were like, "We got a surprise for you."

And I was like, "Oh, shit.

Am I getting a gift on Thanksgiving?

I'm crushing it."

And they were like,

"You're gonna have a little brother or sister."

And, oh, buddy. I wasn't feeling that at all.

The show's over, you know.

I had to share the spotlight.

After my sister was born, my mom made me go to, like, a--

what's it like to be a big brother

or a big sister class,

and every other kid is the toddler there

and I'm like a giant freak.

I mean, maybe I did need to be there more than them,

maybe 'cause I was probably the one who's gonna have more,

you know, struggle with it, but I didn't need to be there.

I do smile a lot, if you haven't noticed.

I smile a lot for a depressed person.

Don't clap for that, please. That'd be fucked up.

You're like, "Yeah.

- Hide it from the world." - [laughter]

I do smile a lot for a depressed person.

Well, nobody wants to hang out with a sad bitch, right?

So if you smile, you can still have friends.

It works, all right?

And Los Angeles is a place that people don't like--

they don't like depression, all right?

If you want to be depressed in America,

you better live in Seattle or New York City.

But in L.A., you got to pretend

like it's working out all the time.

[MAN] Yeah. - Be like,

hey, I'm just waiting to hear back on that thing

and then it's gonna happen, it's all gonna turn around.

I'm just waiting on the call.

- [laughter] - I don't know.

I guess you could be sad and have friends, right?

I got--It's a possibility.

One sad person clapped. There you go.

Yes.

I mean, right?

Charlie Brown, he had a lot of friends.

He was a sad--sad bitch. Yeah, I know.

I just called the cartoon character Charlie Brown

a sad bitch, but he was, all right?

And he had every right to be sad.

He was bald in third grade, all right?

That's a hard way to go,

being a bald-ass third grader.

[laughter]

And what did Charlie Brown want more than anything in life?

He wanted to kick a field goal.

The thing he wanted wasn't even cool, y'all.

[laughter]

He tried to kick that field goal.

That girl always took the ball away.

The thing he wanted wasn't even cool.

And I know this 'cause, when I was in high school,

I kicked the game-winning field goal

for my high school football team.

[MAN] Whoo! - Okay.

[cheers and applause]

We did go 2 and 8 that season, so let's not go crazy.

And after I kicked the game-winning field goal,

a cheerleader gave me a side hug.

That's it, just...

[laughter]

And the quarterback got a full-on beej,

full blow job all the way in there.

[laughter]

I missed the, like, three kicks up to that point.

- [INTERVIEWER] In that game or-- - Yeah. It was a terrible game.

And then, at the halftime,

I kind of had a meltdown and shit.

And then, in the second half,

the other team was, like, winning.

I could see we were driving, and then I started, like,

freaking out again and having a panic attack.

And my football coach was like,

"It's not the goddamn Super Bowl, Davey."

[interviewer laughs]

And I was, like, that's a good point.

Anyways, I get out there, and the guy is the quarterback.

He's a senior. He's cool.

And I'm a sophomore--not cool.

And he looks at me, like, before the ball comes at,

he goes, he say, "I just want you to know

We're gonna kick your ass if you don't make this."

[interviewer laughs]

You've already missed three of them.

- Yeah. - And I was like,

"Oh, this isn't really instilling a lot of confidence."

And I made it.

And then, everybody went apeshit,

and they tackled me,

like, you know, the team, and then we got a penalty

'cause there was still time left.

There's, like, 10 seconds left.

Charlie Brown, though, he had a deep crew, right?

He had a deep crew of friends, and he was pretty woke, okay?

Think about it.

Black friend, lesbian friend,

that dirty kid, okay?

He had a dirty kid in his crew, okay?

That's some progressive shit, hanging out with a dirty kid.

[laughter]

And the whole time, they were worried

about a fucked-up Christmas tree.

There was a fucked-up kid next to that tree, okay?

They should have been saying to that kid,

"It's Christmas, okay?

That tree is already dead."

[laughter]

Water break. Uh-- Do I need to tell you that?

You guys got eyes. You can see that.

Whoo. Shit.

[WOMAN] Ha ha!

- [laughter] - All right.

That lady hasn't been outside once.

She's like, "Somebody's drinking water!

Oh, my goodness!

It's another human!

Look at him!"

I'm from Kentucky. Uh, yeah.

And, uh...

that's a place, you know, you got to--I don't know.

Would you show up, like, I show up at places out here

in L.A., I'm like, "Hey, I'm from Kentucky."

And people like cousin fingering.

I'm like, "Whoa, shit, man.

I just got in here. Let me get a beer."

[laughter]

Come on. Let's relax.

And I don't know anything about Kentucky.

I know George Clooney's from there. That's it.

And that's what I'll say and then I hope

there's no more follow-up questions

'cause I don't-- and I want to defend.

You know, everybody wants to defend where they're from,

but, man, it's tough.

It's tough. Like, the last time I went home,

I found out everybody loves Trump and heroin, okay?

That's... - [laughter]

Yeah. Yeah.

And I don't-- I'm not saying doing heroin

makes you like the president, but, you know,

it's hard to keep up with the news

when you're turning blue in a Burger King bathroom.

[laughter]

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry all my friends are dead.

[laughter]

The last time I was home,

I saw a dude wearing a Confederate flag shirt

which is a huge bummer,

and his shirt said, "It's Our Heritage" on it.

And I was like, "Man, this guy

didn't even pay attention in school."

Kentucky-- not in the Confederacy. Yeah.

[laughter]

- [applause] - Yeah.

We were neutral at the beginning,

trying to see how it was gonna play out,

and then we got with the winners, all right?

[laughter]

And that guy was white, obviously. Uh...

I'm a white.

I've been thinking a lot about, you know,

whites and what we're up to, and what we're--

So not all whites, but a lot of white--a lot of whites,

their favorite thing is peace and quiet.

That's their jam.

Silence. Don't believe me?

Think of some white shit real quick.

Mountains. Oh, man.

White people, we love mountains.

You ever been to Colorado?

Pretty white, all mountains.

Fishing, that's some white shit.

Hey, you want to go on a lake

and not talk to each other for three hours?

Sounds fantastic.

Wish we weren't talking right now.

[laughter]

Golf?

We made up a quiet clap.

That's some crazy shit.

Space.

We love space, don't we, whiteys?

Oh, shit.

Every rich white billionaire's building their own rocket

to the moon, as we speak.

You know why?

'Cause space is a vacuum.

You can't have noise in a vacuum.

You're just floating around in silence.

Yeah. That's whites.

[laughter]

Sometimes that joke doesn't work here in California

'cause the California whites think they're the good ones,

and they're not.

[laughter]

[applause]

I'm trying to get woke, though.

That's what I-- that's what I've been up to.

I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying.

I watched that movie the "BlacKkKlansman."

That was powerful.

It was the--Yeah.

I mean, I-- It overwhelmed me.

I know that much 'cause I-- the next day,

I saw my landlord who's Black,

and my brain was like,

"You should tell him you saw that movie."

And that's not how shit works, okay?

That's like if a Black guy saw me and was like,

"Hey, I saw 'Mamma Mia' last week."

I'd be like, "I guess. All right."

[laughter]

I definitely think white privilege is a thing.

There's been numerous times in my life

I'd benefited from it

where the police should've arrested me

and they're like, "Get home safe."

And I'm like, "Whatever. Fuck you. USA."

[laughs] Me.

I would say the one place

white people don't have privilege or credit

is the dance floor.

People are pretty adamant

that we can't do that and we should not do that.

They're like, "Knock it off."

But dancing's fun, and I wanted to do it.

That's why I found myself getting into, like, jam bands,

like, hippie, like, the Grateful Dead and Fish

because those hippie concerts are a safe space

for white dancing. Okay?

And nobody's dancing good at those concerts, all right?

Everybody is dancing like a windsock

in front of a car dealership.

[laughter]

[applause]

What's the biggest complain about jam bands?

They're like, "Why is the song 20 minutes long?"

The song's that long for white people

to get on the beat, okay?

[laughter]

The Grateful Dead, they have two drummers.

They're giving you a lot of chances to get on the beat.

Here's the thing. The band's not even on the beat.

All right. Hot dog.

I didn't really figure out what I was gonna do in college.

They put all this emphasis like,

"You got to figure all out, like, right away."

I'm like, I mean, I don't know, I just--

It didn't--I didn't figure it out right away.

I was just doing, like, the entry level stuff, you know?

And then I was, like, a couple of years out of college

and I was already in, like, the machine, you know.

And I started seeing people that I went to college with,

like, getting married at, like, 24 or 25,

buying a house at 26.

Already?

And I'm like, "Whoa, it's already--

"You already...okay.

I don't know.

Uh, I haven't figured it out yet."

Like, I was like, "Man, this is--

what am I doing here?"

And, uh, before times, I went to, uh, last year,

I went to a concert, a rock concert,

and before the show,

my buddy had some, uh, mushroom capsules,

you know, like magic mushrooms

but they're, like, in a pill form.

You know, the future.

And, uh, my bud--my buddy, he goes,

"You can take one of these if you're a pussy,

or two if you want to blast off."

And I was like, "Let's go to the moon, spaceman.

Let's do this." Gobble, gobble.

I took both those, and about 15 minutes later,

I realized I was a pussy. Yeah.

[laughter]

Oh, man, I did too much.

I was like, "Oh, shit."

I should have let--I've done,

uh, I've done magic mushrooms so many times,

you'd think I would-- I would learn, but I haven't.

One of the earliest times I did magic mushrooms

was back in Kentucky

and, uh, it was right around that time

the movie "Scream" came out.

It was pretty, you know, it was a while, you know,

20 years ago, whatever.

I don't know if you ever seen the movie "Scream."

It's a classic. - [scattered applause]

Seven people.

Eight? More? Okay.

You're gonna enjoy this joke.

Everybody else, we'll see. We'll see.

When that movie came out,

Drew Barrymore was in the previews a lot.

She was a big star,

and me and my buddy took some magic mushrooms

and went and saw that movie

'cause it always-- we took it and went--

Uh, in Kentucky,

magic mushrooms are like the McRib.

They're only around for a limited time only,

and then they're gone.

So we had to take those, and we had to see "Scream."

It was the, you know, the jam.

And we went and saw the movie,

and if you remember that movie at all,

Drew Barrymore dies in the first 10 minutes.

And me and my buddy were tripping so hard,

we both stood up to leave after she died

'cause we thought the movie was over.

[laughter]

They were like, "Man, they fucked her up.

That was--That was crazy. That was wild.

They just killed the star of the movie."

And then our friends were like, "Sit down."

And, uh, they were right.

There was a lot more movie left.

I've been single for the whole pandemic. Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

I'm lonely.

[laughter]

I don't know.

Man, I'm trying, you know.

Before this, I was getting out there,

you know, trying to be better at dating.

I'm trying not to, uh, ghost people, as the kids say.

You know, you gotta let people know that--

"Hey, I don't like being around you."

You just gotta tell them that. You can't just disappear.

[laughter]

That's fucked up. You gotta man up.

It'd be like, "I don't like your presence, okay?"

But that's tough. I'll be honest, that's tough.

So I came up with a middle ground.

It's called sunsetting, okay?

And you just kind of drift off.

You return a text every once in a while.

You just drift off over the horizon...

[laughter]

That's the extent of my mind work, everybody.

[laughter]

I went and got, like, on Lexapro,

which is like an anti-anxiety medication

before I start doing comedy

because I needed to do something

to, uh, you know, relieve the anxiety.

I was depressed because I was working a job

that I didn't want to be at, and I didn't--I was like,

"This can't be my future."

So, you know, Lexapro. I started taking that

right before I started doing comedy,

and then, you know, I think it probably--

even if it just gave me the placebo effect

of I felt, you know, more comfortable around people.

And, uh, you know, now I realize that everybody,

uh, everybody-- if people do something new,

they feel nervous.

I'm not alone,

but it takes a long time to realize that.

I do need a wife, though.

I've been out in the wild too long.

Look at my hair. Look at it. Jesus Christ.

[laughter]

I'm just, uh...

I do need a wife, though. I just been out in the wild too long.

You know, I can't eat another frozen dinner to save my life.

And I don't expect the lady to cook.

That's fucked up. But if she can,

if she's bringing that to the table,

I'm, uh, I got-- I'm bringing some stuff

to the table, okay? Right?

I can check on noises, boom.

[laughter]

I can take the garbage out.

I'm good at rubbing backs.

I will rub a foot. I don't care. I'll get in there.

I'll get a knife out, saw a bunion off if I have to.

[laughter]

Let's get it out of there. Let's--Come on.

And I'm real good at fingering.

[laughs]

Were you guys not ready for a fingering joke?

Was the bunions thing too much?

You're like, "I didn't leave my house in the pandemic

to hear no fingering joke, bro.

Bring some better shit than that, dawg."

I'm so good at fingering,

my Tinder profile is just a picture of my finger.

[laughter]

Come on.

That's the best Tinder joke in comedy,

slash fingering joke, okay?

[laughter]

Years ago, I was dating a lady, and--It happens.

And, uh... I was dating this lady,

and I was telling her about my time in New York City.

I lived there for a couple of years,

and I was like, "Boy, there's a lot of rats

in New York City."

And she's like, "Oh, how'd the rats get there?"

And I'm like, "All right, that's a good question.

"Okay? I think rats came over on ships from Europe."

And she's like, "Rats had their own ships?"

[laughter]

And I was like, "You got some big titties."

You know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

You're just gonna drive past a couple of red flags

on the way to Titty Town, all right?

You're just gonna blow through some stuff.

And she already lives in a better world, right?

She lives in a world where she thinks

rats are sailing the seven seas, okay?

I'm not gonna ruin that for her with facts.

I worked in Fanelli Investments' warehouse.,

and that's where--

they wanted to train me on a forklift.

And then they told me all the ways

the forklift could kill you

and I was like, "Oh, I gotta not pass

this forklift test." - [interviewer laughs]

'Cause I don't want to die

with a college degree

in a forklift death. Okay?

That isn't the final chapter in my life,

and I ended up signing up for a comedy class.

In Cincinnati, I didn't know there was a way

to even, like, start comedy.

At that time period, there was, like, "Seinfeld,"

but "Seinfeld" made stand-up seem almost unrealistic.

It shows you--

You don't know how he got in it.

He has an apartment. He's on TV.

But how do you get to that point?

Uh, so I signed up for a class

'cause I just wanted to kind of dip my toe in

and find out that way.

But I was nervous about, like,

you know, making new friends.

I was just afraid people were gonna make fun of me.

I don't know. I just always felt weird.

Uh, like, I remember in high school,

uh, I mean, you know,

people sign your yearbook in high school.

I remember this girl signed my yearbook.

She's like "You're such a nice guy,

but you're so weird,"

and then she underlined it three times,

like, when you wrote "weird," I got it.

[interviewer laughs]

My grandma told me a story

about waiting in line at a bakery.

That was it, the whole story,

and she crushed it

'cause I was bored, okay?

And when you're telling a story,

you're supposed to convey what an experience is like.

Have you ever waited in line in a bakery?

It's boring. So she nailed it.

I got what it was like to be there.

And I got up to leave,

and I was going to the door, and she's like,

"Make sure you close my door all the way.

A bat got in my house last week."

And that's when I got upset

'cause that means she was sitting

on a bat in her house story

the whole time she was telling me

that horseshit bakery story, okay?

Bat in the house is front page news

in the "Granny Gazette."

That's the lead story, Grandma.

Open with that shit.

Don't bury that. That's your opener.

So I had some questions. I go, "What happened?"

She was like, "Oh, there was a bat

flapping around in my shower."

I'm like, "All right.

Shit, okay? That's fucked up."

She's like, "Yeah. I got a--I got a towel."

I was like, "All right."

And she's like, "I chased it out of the house."

I'm like, "Damn."

I wish there was a video of that. Right?

That shit would've went viral, okay?

You tell me you wouldn't have shared

a video of an 80-year-old lady

fighting a bat with a towel?

[laughter]

Shit.

She probably would had been on "Good Morning America."

Let's be honest.

They'd be like, "Hey, coming up after the break,

we got Bat Granny in studio.

She brought her towel with her.

But first we got Fleetwood Mac."

[laughter]

I do like living out here in Los Angeles.

I do enjoy it.

There is some stuff I can't get behind,

like, uh, one time, I went to this place.

It was a grilled cheese restaurant.

That's all they make, right?

I went to the grilled cheese place,

ordered grilled cheese,

and the guy said $13.

And I was like, "Man, what happened?

Did I black out?

Did I order 13 grilled cheeses?"

For $13, that guy better come out from behind the counter

and give me a hug and tell me it's gonna be okay.

'Cause that's what my mom would do

when she made a grilled cheese, okay?

And if it's full service, I'll pay the $13, all right?

I get a little homesick.

Oh, was that too sad?

[laughter]

Sometimes in life, I, uh, I fuck up.

I don't know about you guys. You just, you know,

sometimes you just make some errors.

You goof.

Here's a time I fucked up.

I was at a gas station.

I was at the gas station. You know how you can pump it

and then you could--you can-- the thing that locks in there,

and then it's kind of pumping for you,

and you're like, "You got it, machine.

You're nailing it."

So I have-- The machine's got me covered.

So I go in the store and buy some shit,

and then I come out of the gas station,

and I start smoking in front of the gas station

'cause I'm kind of a hillbilly.

I don't care. I'm just out there, like...

[laughs] And then

I look over at my car,

and I see gas that's spraying everywhere

on the side of my car,

and at that point I realized

I have fucked up, you know what I mean?

That's a pretty good indicator.

So I put the cigarette out, and I run over there,

and I unpump it,

and then now there's a big puddle of gasoline.

And probably at this point probably should go in the store

and let them know, "Hey, some asshole spilled gas."

I don't want to take full credit, you know what I mean?

[laughs]

But also, you know, when you're a kid

and you spill something, you get in trouble, right?

But as an adult, if you spill something,

you have this option on the table.

You can run away,

so that's what I did.

I just got in my car and was like,

"Later, suckers." Ha ha!

And I drove off.

And I drove that car immediately to the airport

'cause that car was a rental car,

and I got to the rental car place,

and the guy goes, "This car smells like gasoline."

And I was like, "Yeah. That's weird, right?"

That's some weird shit.

I gotta get on a plane, though, so peace, bro."

I'm running away from my problems

left and right. I'm crushing it, dude.

Then I get in the airport, and I forget about it

'cause I see an Auntie Anne's Pretzels

and I love that shit.

I was like, "I'm gonna get myself a pretzel."

I know they're marking it up at the airport,

but I want a pretzel. I don't want to be in the plane

and it starts crashing and be like,

"Oh, shit, I should bought that pretzel."

I don't want that. I don't want to have

that sort of regret on my mind.

So I get my pretzel. I eat it like a dumbass,

and then finally they start boarding the plane.

And I get on the plane, and I sit down,

and a lady sits down in front of me,

and immediately that lady's like,

"This plane smells like gasoline."

And I was like, "Oh, I bet you that's me."

It was me. It was my shoes. They--

Since I had stepped in the gas,

they--now they smell like gasoline.

And the flight attendant comes over. He's like,

"What's going on?" I'm like, "Man,

some asshole spilled gas at the gas station..."

[laughter]

"and I ended up stepping it. Now my shoes smell like gas."

He's like, "Yeah. I can smell it."

And then we just kind of stare at each other

'cause nobody knows what to do at this point, all right?

This doesn't come up on every flight.

He's like, "I guess I gotta take your shoes

to the captain." Not me, just my shoes.

So I take my shoes off,

and I'm standing there in my socks like a dickhead.

And he takes my shoes to the captain.

I bet you when he woke up that morning

and flew to Fort Myers, Florida,

he probably didn't think as part of his job

he was gonna have to smell another man's shoe.

But he is the captain,

and the buck stops with him.

So I saw this grown man

hold up my gym shoe and give it a sniff.

It's fucked up.

And they sat there and bullshitted for a while,

and then the flight attendant came back with my shoes,

and he goes, "Hey, man, the pilot said it's cool."

Oh, all right.

Did he also say it's groovy?

'Cause he just huffed gasoline, okay?

He got a good huff in there.

Maybe it was, like, far out.

He goes, "Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna put the shoes in a plastic bag,

and we're gonna throw them in the overhead."

I'm like, "All right." And he goes, "You got--

then you got to sit the very last row

by the bathroom...

in your socks."

- [laughter] - And that's what happens.

As an adult, if you run away from your problems enough,

you get an adult timeout, you know what I mean?

They're like, "Go back there and think about what you did."

[cheers and applause]

Yeah. I'm done. That's it.

[ANNOUNCER] Let him hear, let him hear. Give it up

for Dave Waite one more time.

[cheers and applause]

I started comedy, and I had the day job.

I remember going, like, on smoke breaks

and, like, talking to people,

and, like, uh, nobody really had, like,

a dream or--

and they were like this was it.

But once I got to be around comedians

and there was all sorts of kind of rebellious

sort of people or people that just thought differently,

it felt more at home, yes.

People want you to get in line

and behave a certain way, you know?

Fuck those people.

[RITA BRENT] The drums, it's a--

it's a male-dominated instrument.

I've been in a minority,

been the only girl in the band.

And so their response

is insults.

Typical misogyny and sexism.

It starts at a young age.

[applause]

But it made me want to be excellent.

[ANNOUNCER] She's all the way from Jackson, Mississippi.

Y'all please give it up and show your love

for my friend Ms. Rita Brent.

[cheers and applause]

All right, all right.

How we feeling?

[cheers and applause]

Yeah. This is the sexy part of the show.

Okay?

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Yeah. My name is Rita Brent.

Now let's get this out the way.

Uh, I feel it in my spirit,

somebody gonna cough tonight,

and it's gonna scare the shit out of everybody.

So let's just-- let's just figure out

a little tip, you know?

If you do have to cough, you know,

you feel a little tickle, don't fight it.

Don't fight it.

See, what you do is you explain the cough

why you coughing, you know, so you [coughs]

allergies, like, as long as you say it.

You know, [coughs], water in my pipe.

You know, wrong pipe. As long as you say it.

My upbringing started

in Crystal Springs, Mississippi,

which is a very small town, so I grew up in a house

with my mother, my grandmother,

and my big mama.

I got to see that firsthand

like, you know, just because you're a woman,

you don't have to be confined to the house.

You can do both. You can cook.

You can get out and work and do everything.

My mom is a Baptist singer

and a Baptist minister.

And I just remember being in church

every freakin' day.

And one day she just decided

to put me on the drums, you know?

She just said, "Hey, I feel like I have the musical genes,

so you must have it too."

And I was 8 years old when she put me on the drum set.

And little did she know, you know,

me being a drummer would really open up some doors

for me as an entertainer.

So we have been a musical duo

for over 20-something years now.

You know, America is--we're on edge.

We're gonna be on edge for a minute.

We're always on edge about something, right?

Vaccinate. Don't vaccinate, huh?

Send the kids back to school.

Listen, I was a substitute teacher,

so, like, I'm speaking from experience.

I don't know if you know, but kids, they already nasty,

- like they're just nasty. - [laughter]

They've been nasty. They're gonna be nasty, you know?

They are built for times like this,

you know what I'm saying?

They be eating boogers off the floor and shit

and eating food off the floor

and playing with snot, you know?

And kids have like a nasty bond with each other, you know?

When I was a substitute teacher,

I was on the playground, and I saw a little boy

give his friend a sneeze as a gift.

He was like, ah-choo, be my friend forever.

I was like, this is some nasty shit, bro.

Take your ass to the principal's office.

Kids ain't the only ones with bad hygiene, you know.

Adults have bad hygiene, too, you know.

I have my quirks

when it comes to hygiene, you know.

I'm not. I'm kind of in between

on the washing the hands thing.

I'll be honest with you, you know.

Now, I mean, when I'm in public and I use a bathroom,

I wash my hands, okay? It's a no-brainer.

I'm gonna wash them every time.

But when I'm at home, you know,

I'm a little more relaxed.

I don't know if it's just me, but--

And by a little more relaxed,

I mean I'm a little more nasty at home,

you know what I'm saying?

I'm just a little more nasty 'cause if I get up

in the middle of the night to use the bathroom

at home, you know--

you know, let's say I wipe myself

and I get a little pee on my hand,

I'm gonna rub it on my shirt and go back to bed. I mean--

[laughter]

You know what I mean?

It's just pee. It'll dry up, right, you know?

It'll dry up, you know? Men do it all the time.

They just shake it all down and wash nothing.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm not thinking about being clean.

I'm trying to go back to sleep, you know?

I ain't thinking about washing my hands

to no damn birthday song

'cause that's what you supposed to do.

You supposed to wash your hands to the birthday song.

But they never specify which one--

the white one or the Black one.

[laughter]

Well, the white birthday song, that shit quick, in and out,

just like white church, you know?

But the Black birthday song, that shit is long.

It's about four or five verses, a bridge, two scriptures.

Somebody got to come in and rap.

[cheers and applause]

I really did try to make myself

the man of the house, you know?

I remember one time I was in the fourth grade,

and I was about to buy a gun.

There was, like,

a little gangster dude on the playground.

He brought the little gun out on the playground.

It was a little pistol. And I wanted to buy it

because I wanted to protect the house,

but when I held it, I got scared,

and I was like, "No. I'm good."

You know, and of course I can't be a man.

But I still feel that responsibility, too,

in a--in a sense, you know,

that I want to protect my mom and my little sister

and my grandmother, you know, and I'm cool with that.

I served in the Army. I'm a--I'm a veteran

of the United States Army. - [cheers and applause]

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm just letting y'all know up top,

you know, so if you don't laugh at my shit,

you aren't patriotic. - [laughter]

You gotta laugh at my stuff.

But, I mean, as a veteran, I got--I get all the respect.

You know, I served nine years, and I get the respect.

People say, "Thank you for sacrificing your life

for the country." That's what everybody say, you know?

Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but just 'cause you're in the Army,

that don't mean you sacrifice your life for the country.

'cause I'll be honest. I was in the Army band,

and I didn't sacrifice shit, okay?

[laughter]

I barely sacrificed my time, you know?

I was what they call a weekend warrior,

so I went to drill once a month,

played a few sad military songs,

and took my ass home, you know?

Now, uh, I did wear my uniform, like, during the week

just to eat for free, you know what I'm saying?

But...

But I'm a veteran on paper, but I was not a real soldier.

Like, I'm not gonna lie to y'all, you know?

Real soldiers went to war. I went to band practice.

Shit.

Real soldiers had guns.

I had drum sticks, you know what I'm saying?

[cheers and applause]

A couple folks that I knew from church

said, "Hey, you know, they have an Army band."

You know, you just have to audition,

play some prepare pieces and some rudiments to get in.

And so I did. At 18, I did well enough to get chosen.

But yeah, I didn't know-- I didn't know anything

about the Army before I got in.

I went to basic training for three months

in Fort Jackson, South Carolina, and it was crazy.

I really wanted to come home. Like, it was scary.

The drill sergeant is gonna call you names

and get all in your face.

It's literally like it is on TV, you know?

And so at first I was like, I've made a big mistake.

And by the last month,

we're shooting guns. It was cool.

You know, using the bathroom in the woods.

It was like, you know, it's kind of lit.

I was acting so straight at basic training

because it was "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" back then.

If you had even said-- just said the word "gay,"

they will kick you out.

And so it was tough because several women

were trying to come on to me and I was like,

Mm-mmm. I don't sweeten that way.

I was lying my ass off.

But I'm not finna get kicked out

of basic training, you know?

Now, you can holla me after basic training,

but no, the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was real.

So I didn't say anything about my sexuality

the entire time I was in the military.

I just had to act straight.

I grew up in Jackson, Mississippi.

That's my hometown.

That's where I was born and raised.

But I live in New York now.

I moved away from home for the first time.

Basically what the experience has taught me is that

I should have stayed my broke ass in Mississippi

because the cost of living in New York, it just--

it don't sit right with my spirit, you know?

It's a--It's a very pissy city, you know.

For as much as we pay,

I shouldn't have to smell piss, you know,

but that's the fragrance of the city, you know?

You know, in New York-- Listen.

Now, I don't know how common this is in California,

but in New York I pay $2,100

for a 700-square-foot apartment, okay?

That's some bullshit. I mean, it didn't come with no furniture.

Wasn't no Bibles in the drawers or none of that shit, right?

And I was just--I'm still in shock about it, you know,

'cause in Mississippi for $2,100,

yo, I can get five acres, a mule,

and two slaves if I wanted to,

you know what I'm saying?

[laughter]

Y'all laughing at slave jokes? That's what y'all doing?

That's what y'all doing?

You know, I bring up the word "slave,"

but I'm really trying to change that narrative

that people have about us in Mississippi

'cause every time I say I'm from Mississippi

people hit me with the same thing--

Y'all dumb. Y'all slow.

Y'all have slaves in the cellar.

And, you know, it just hurts my feelings,

and it's not true, you know,

because honestly, we're talking about being dumb.

I don't care where you live.

Everybody has dumb friends, right? You know.

Hopefully, y'all not here with that person tonight,

or it's gonna get awkward in a minute.

[laughter]

Because a few years ago-- This is a true story.

One of my dumb friends called me

in the middle of the night, and I knew something was wrong.

And I said, "Girl, what's up?" You know, "What's going on?"

And she said, "Look, I gotta tell you

our friend was in a bad car accident."

I was like, "Oh, my God. What happened?" And she said,

"Well, all I know is that he was ejaculated from the car."

[laughter]

Now, being the good friend I am, I didn't correct her, you know?

So I was like, "Well, tell me this, sis,

how fast was he cumming, you know, how fast?"

[laughter]

And she was like, "I don't know. He had to be cumming fast,

you know, to get ejaculated from the car."

I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

I said, "Well, did he at least have a seatbelt on?"

She was like, "No. He weren't wearing protection, either."

[laughter]

You know, Mississippi took down the Confederate flag,

and I was-- I was proud about that.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah. And so now it's a lot of companies now,

like, trying to do the right thing, you know.

NASCAR, Walmart, they took down the Confederate flag.

And the NFL, you know, they didn't--

they were just like, "Well, we're just gonna play

"Lift Every Voice and Sing" before a few games," you know.

And I don't know if you all know,

but that's like the Black National Anthem,

and, like, part of me was like,

I want them to leave that song alone

'cause that's our sacred song.

It's right up there with "Before I Let Go,"

uh, "The Wobble." For y'all, it would be like...

[laughter]

For some of you all, it would be like "Don't Stop Believing"

by Journey. Like, that's where...

that's where it is, you know?

I felt the way about the NFL saying they were gonna play it,

but at the same time, I was like,

this song really did change the game, you know?

Like, what if the NFL is right?

Like, what if "Lift Every Voice and Sing"

is racism's kryptonite

and we just don't know it, you know?

I mean, I say we weaponize the song, okay?

To kill racism on sight,

we just use a little civil rights gun.

You know, I'm gonna try that shit.

Like, next time I'm at a protest

and I'll say, "Black Lives Matter"

and somebody say "But what about Black on Black--"

Hey. Tch-tch.

♪ Lift every voice and sing

♪ Till earth and heaven ring

"But all lives--" Tch-tch.

♪ Ring with the harmony

♪ Of liberty

When a Karen see us having fun and call 911,

"Hey, bitch." Tch-tch.

♪ Let our rejoicing rise

♪ High as the listening sky Y'all know it?

♪ Let it resound

Hell, no. Y'all need some practice. Y'all--

[laughter]

But yeah, I'm gonna use the song.

You know, it could be racism's kryptonite, you know.

But this is what I really wish the NFL would do.

I really wish they would just apologize to Kaepernick,

you know? That's what I really wish.

[applause]

That would be the right thing to do, you know?

And I don't care what people say about Kaepernick.

I do not care. He is my hero. I appreciate what he did.

You know, I remember when I saw him boycotting on TV

and taking the knee, it really inspired me, you know?

'cause he was just like, "Look, I'm gonna do what's right

for me." And seriously, life is too short, you know,

to live life in fear.

And I decided

on September 28, 2019,

that I would no longer live in fear either.

And I came out the closet in my home state

in Jackson, Mississippi.

- [cheers and applause] - Yeah.

Yeah.

I came out of the closet.

Now I don't know what to wear, but I'm out.

[laughter]

It's corny, isn't it? Okay, y'all like it.

Yeah, I came out the closet, and--I mean, it was a big deal.

Like, everything happened so fast.

You know, I was doing the show, and, you know, I'm--

I was like, "Oh, by the way, I'm gay."

And then I was so scared of the backlash,

like, I moved real fast, you know.

I immediately moved to New York.

You know, so I migrated north like a slave.

[laughter]

And I now I feel like a runaway gay, you know,

'cause I done left.

I'm looking over my shoulder and shit,

like the straight community gonna get me.

Take me back to the penis plantation.

You know, I'm scared.

I'm scared. Shit.

I came out to my mom in the 10th grade.

I couldn't hide because I was dressing like a boy.

I mean, so it was pretty understood.

You know, back then they called it a stud.

You know, Rita's a stud.

So yeah, it was understood.

And one day, I held hands with a girl in the hallway,

and it was like--everybody was just looking like,

"Oh, shit, I can't believe they're doing it."

But I lost a couple friends.

Couple friends didn't want to be associated with me

because they didn't want to be,

uh, labeled as gay, you know?

But it helped me weed out some people.

And I'm like, "Okay."

I think when I went around friends' parents,

I tried to dress girly, you know,

because I didn't--I didn't want to deal with the stuff

that comes along with parents

where they--they don't treat you like a child.

They judge you and--and say,

"Hey, you're a bad influence on my child," you know?

So I-I-I just tried to respect my elders and dress girly.

But yeah. Uh, I wasn't sleeping over to study.

So... - [interviewer laughs]

That's for sure. [laughs]

But yeah, it was a big deal when I came out in Mississippi.

Like--I was like, "She's the one.

She did it." You know?

And then I get to New York, still thinking I'm special.

And I get there, and everybody's gay.

I was like, "Yeah. Damn.

What kind of shit is this? This is like a prerequisite

to live in the city? Like, everybody gotta be gay?"

[laughter]

But I-I feel like I'm behind, you know,

'cause there are advocates in New York,

and they had their coming-out stories together,

and I'm still getting mine together, you know?

But you ask some of the New Yorkers

about their coming-out story,

it's like Martin Luther King deep, you know?

People like, "Hey, how you-- how you find out you was gay?"

[as King] "I knew in my mother's womb I was gonna be gay."

[laughter]

"I knew someday I would be hunching and carpet munching

in the name of the rainbow." - [laughter]

"Now I'm gay at last, gay at least.

Thank God Almighty, I'm gay."

[applause]

It wasn't that deep for me. Like, that ain't my story.

Like, it's real weak, you know?

Like, all I know is that I start playing basketball

in the eighth grade on a Monday.

And by Friday, I was gay. Like, I don't know what it is.

I don't know. But lesbians and basketball,

you know, it kinda go hand in hand, like, you know,

Trump and Putin, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't know what it is.

One day you dribbling a little bit,

the next day you nibbling on a tit.

It happened real fast.

Like, I'm not even thinking that hard, like, I'm just--

I'm just grateful that, you know, I came out

and my family supports me. You know, so if you know

somebody who is coming out or they have come out,

like, just be nice and show them unconditional love.

Like, that's all that matters, you know?

[applause]

You know, 'cause I-I told my mom,

you know, like, in the 10th grade.

I told her, and, uh, you know, she's a minister.

She's a minister and a Baptist musician,

so of course she had her convictions.

But she's like, "You're my baby. I'm gonna love you regardless."

And I still remember. I was in 10th grade when I told her.

We had just pulled up at church, and I was like,

"Hey, before we go in here,

I just want to let you know, you know, that I'm gay."

And her thing is, she don't like labels, you know?

Because when I said I gay, she like, "Gay?

Why you gotta be gay? Why you just can't prefer women,

you know?" And she's like, "Well, what are you?

Are you butch gay? Are you Wanda Sykes gay?

Like, what kind of gay are you?"

[laughter]

And she like, "You could be gay but don't be gay-gay."

I'm like, "All right. All right.

We can't have this conversation right now."

You know, but my mother's biggest thing,

like, her biggest thing,

is she does not want me to tell my grandma.

You know, she's afraid.

She sat me down. She's like, "Rita, whatever you do,

don't tell your grandma because, you know,

your grandmother has high blood pressure, you know?"

And, you know, Black people use blood pressure as a excuse

for every damn thing, you know?

"I ain't gonna be able to pay the light bill today.

My blood pressure..." That ain't got shit to do

with shit. - [laughter]

But I disagree with her on this, you know?

Because my grandma is like a gangster,

you know what I'm saying? She is. She a gangster lady.

She picked cotton as a child.

She survived segregation.

She eat pork, beef, and chitlins.

If she can handle all that, I know she can handle the fact

that I eat a little cat, you know what I'm saying?

[applause]

Shit, give my granny some credit.

But I feel like my grandma knows

because when she asks about my lady,

she calls her "my little friend."

You know, "Rita, how your little friend doing?"

That's code language.

That's old people code language.

If your granny gonna see her little friend,

she ain't going to read the Bible.

She going to get some pipe.

I'm just gonna let you know.

[laughter]

I know what the hell "little friend" mean.

But I feel like she knows. Like, grandmothers,

they have instincts, you know? So I feel like the day

I finally come around and say "You know, Granny, I'm gay,"

she'll be like, "Oh, I already knew

my grandbaby was a bull-dagger," you know?

[laughter]

"I could tell the way you used to breastfeed."

[laughter]

I had always felt this internal pressure

that I needed to find a man

so I could be saved and not go to hell.

Yeah. That's it. Salvation. I don't want to go to hell.

Even though being with women is natural for me,

you know, uh, but Christian faith says,

"Hey, it's an abomination and you gonna go to hell."

And so I dealt with some gender identity issues for a long time.

And then I realized, you know, it's not what's on the outside,

it's what's on the inside, you know, once I started

looking from the outside in,

and that really, really helped me.

It was an emotional breakthrough for me.

But I-I'm really enjoying being with a woman.

Like, I love this shit. It's lit. It's lit, man.

'Cause a good woman will teach you stuff

you don't even know you needed to know, you know?

Like, we were in the apartment chilling,

and my lady took a shower,

and she got out the shower and dry herself off

and cocked her leg up on the bed

and proceeded to lotion her ass.

And I just didn't know you could do that.

I didn't know you could put lotion on your ass.

Because usually the bottle say you put it on the--on the face,

the foot, you know?

I ain't never see no cream for ass cheeks,

you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, This shit is amazing.

I'm following her lead, you know?

So I put lotion on my ass now, guys,

and it feels great. Like, it feels better.

My pants is smooth, you know?

They don't make a lot of noise no more.

Like, it's lit. I will do whatever she do.

She lotion her ass, I'm gonna lotion my ass.

She lotion her tits, I will lotion my sternum,

my collarbone, because my--

my titty game ain't that strong.

Don't judge me.

Yeah, I do--Let me say this. I do worry a little bit.

I'll just be a little vulnerable with y'all

because I'm a small woman, you know, so I am afraid

that I won't be able to protect my lady, you know?

'Cause I just be thinking,

like, What if something bad happened one day?

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say?

Like, at this point, the only thing I can do

is just lower my voice, you know what I'm saying?

[lower voice] You know what I'm saying?

That's all I can do. Lower my voice, try to get serious.

You know? 'cause we had a situation in New Orleans once.

We had a situation.

Uh, we were sitting at a table,

and this guy didn't realize we were a couple,

so he came up to her, and he was like,

"Hey, baby, what's your name?"

And I said, "She good, bro."

And he said, "I wasn't talking to you."

I said, "But I was talking to you."

And he's like, "What you want to do?"

And I was like, "What you want? What you want to do?"

Tch-tch. ♪ Lift every voice and sing

♪ Till earth and heaven ring

And he just back off, whoa, like this damn song work.

I knew it. I knew it.

And my lady was all excited.

She like, "Oh, my baby arm is strong."

I said, "Hold on now. I was in a band.

I didn't stand for shit." - [laughter]

Don't never forget.

And never forget I was in the band.

I didn't--I didn't go to war.

I went to band practice, okay?

But a lot happens in band practice.

A lot happened when I went to band practice. You know?

Uh, this is kinda twisting the story,

but I met my ex-husband at band practice.

When I was in the Army, yeah.

I had a whole husband just seven years ago.

And you're like, how? Okay, well, see what had happen was...

[laughter]

So like, before we got married,

you know, I had just kinda forgot to tell him

that I like women.

It just kinda slipped my mind, you know?

You know, how you go in a room, it's like,

"I was supposed to do something,"

and you forget what you went in there to do, you know?

And so I just forgot to tell him,

and, um, we had one little conversation.

And I told him, I said, "Look, you know,

I had experiences with women."

But I'd--I just didn't tell him the experiences have been

for my whole life, you know?

[laughter]

Actually, he was the experiment, and he didn't know it,

and, um...

I did go through a period of depression

after I got divorced.

Even though I felt free, I didn't feel free

because I still wasn't out of the closet.

You know, I was still posing as a straight woman.

And so it got to the point where I got so down

and I got in the darkness,

I actually contemplated suicide,

like, because I-I felt like I couldn't come out.

I was doing comedy at the time,

and I said, "Well, if I come out,

it's gonna take all my gigs away.

I'm not gonna be doing church gigs.

You know, everybody's gonna turn their backs against me."

And I just start questioning my existence,

like, "Do I really want to be here under these circumstances

if I can't be myself?"

And I remember, I had a pistol on the side of the bed.

And I was like, "Man," you know,

"I don't know if I want to do this."

And I just never got around to it.

And finally, I told somebody. I said, "I'm gonna die."

And when I said it, I was like, "Wait, no, I don't."

You know, so it took me verbalizing it to realize

it's not what I wanted to do.

But it was a very dark time for me.

And at that time, that's when my comedy shifted

because I started talking

about my divorce and vulnerabilities on stage.

And it was--it was-- it was life-changing for me.

Sometimes you have to do stuff to realize you don't like it.

And that's how it was with me and the husband,

uh, because I realize, you know,

that I don't like wee-wee in my mouth.

It's just not my--

it's not my--my ministry, you know?

That's just--uh,

I--It was hard to manage wee-wee.

Uh...I would say wee-wee

just in case my grandma watching.

I don't want her blood pressure to go up,

you know what I'm saying? But it was hard,

literally and figuratively.

You know, trying to manage a wee-wee.

Uh, it--it changed my whole life, you know?

Like, I stopped hanging out with my friends.

My homegirl calling me one day say,

"You want to go to the movie?" I said, "No,

I gotta get some rest

so I could suck this wee-wee later."

Like, "I ain't gonna be able to go."

I gotta meditate. - [laughter]

I don't know. I hated sucking the little thing so much.

Like, if I had to choose

between Trump winning a second term

and sucking wee-wee again,

I'm like, "Let's make America Great Again."

You know what I'm saying? Like...

that's how bad it was.

And then it's the texture.

If you ever have the--the--the pleasure

of analyzing the composition of a wee-wee,

it is very intriguing yet disturbing. Okay?

'Cause it's some little skin down there.

I don't know what this little skin is,

but it's back here somewhere, some little skin back there.

It's real soft--Sir, you know what I'm talking about?

It's real soft.

And flimsy, that little flimsy is--

I call it the baked chicken skin.

You know what I'm talking about?

The baked chicken skin.

It's stretchy. You spread it out a little like a bat wing?

[MAN] The scrotum? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That skin, I couldn't do that shit.

I was--I don't want to be around that skin again,

you know?

And--And then, you know,

I was expected to perform-- On special occasions,

you're supposed to do all this extra shit, you know?

Like, if it's his birthday, you got to give head-head,

you know? And I was like, "Bro, I can't do this."

I didn't want to give head. I was dreading it.

But I knew that I had to

because it was his birthday, you know?

And so I just went on down there. I sucked it up--

Not then, but I sucked it up.

I went on down there. I just took a deep breath.

And I say, "Okay, here we go."

Tch-tch. ♪ Lift every voice and sing

♪ Till earth and heaven

I looked up, and he was looking down

like "Uh-uh, bitch. Not tonight."

That's my time. I'm Rita Brent.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

In 2013, I went to a comedy show,

and there are these men performing.

And while they're performing,

I started getting butterflies.

There's like a little light shining down.

And I heard a voice that said, "You can do this."

And I listened. I yielded to the voice.

And, like, a week and a half later,

I was on stage at the same show.

And I'm--I'm so glad I did it.

Comedy really, really helped me

figure out who it is that I need to be.

♪