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1
00:00:09,879 --> 00:00:16,099
♪
2
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,453
All right.
3
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:22,241
My manager told me that I need
to do more Instagramming.
4
00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:23,810
- There you go.
- Otherwise, she'll drop me.
5
00:00:23,936 --> 00:00:25,416
So I have to take pictures now
all the time.
6
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:29,587
♪
7
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:30,985
I don't know how many times
I've done this
8
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:34,428
but then I always think,
how do I sit?
9
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:35,816
I never even thought
about stand-up.
10
00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:37,728
I never watched stand-up.
11
00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:40,303
I never--I never went
to a live stand-up show
12
00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:42,001
nor watched
a stand-up comedy special
13
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:44,219
before I did stand-up.
It's insane.
14
00:00:44,348 --> 00:00:48,828
♪
15
00:00:48,961 --> 00:00:51,661
Stand-up setting
in its simplicity
16
00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,790
is designed in a way
17
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:57,843
where these people come
to listen to a person talk.
18
00:00:57,970 --> 00:00:59,800
When I'm on stage
and I have that microphone,
19
00:00:59,929 --> 00:01:02,319
it's that complete certainty
20
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:04,063
that it's okay for me
to be talking.
21
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,544
I never feel that certainty
anywhere else.
22
00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:09,105
♪
23
00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:11,773
My high school friends found out
that there was an open mic
24
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,727
the night before the show
when I started scrambling,
25
00:01:13,856 --> 00:01:15,726
I was like,
"I have to write some shit."
26
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,468
Like, there's no way
I can go there and just do it.
27
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:20,039
I wrote six pages straight.
28
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:22,557
I mean, everything on my life,
all the experiences
29
00:01:22,691 --> 00:01:24,611
I just put it on paper,
and that's basically how
30
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,476
I started getting in stand-up
and I was just addicted
31
00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:27,518
and in love with it ever since.
32
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:32,612
♪
33
00:01:32,744 --> 00:01:35,104
[audience laughs]
34
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:36,745
All right. You guys have been
a lot of fun,
35
00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:38,619
you're gonna enjoy
the rest of the show.
36
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,670
[cheers and applause]
37
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:43,446
My only regret...
38
00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:45,411
is that I didn't drink enough.
39
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,410
MAN: Are you ready?
40
00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:49,463
- Hey.
- Put your hands together
41
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:50,757
for Kabir Singh.
42
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,943
[cheers and applause]
43
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:55,639
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Go and make some noise.
44
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,727
That's what I'm talking about.
45
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,636
I like it.
46
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:00,861
Wow. This is great.
47
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:04,340
Look at this. Look at this.
48
00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:08,952
[cheers and applause]
49
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:10,955
A lot of white people here.
This is nice. How's it going?
50
00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:12,517
Are you guys doing good?
51
00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:15,440
Yeah. I feel like
I'm on a cruise right now.
52
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:16,610
This is great.
53
00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,265
Where are we going?
54
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:21,748
This is great.
It's so nice to be here, man,
55
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,410
doing this awfulness, right?
56
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:26,445
We got the coronavirus
going around
57
00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:28,021
which I'm not worried about,
by the way.
58
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,928
I'm not worried about it.
59
00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:31,332
Uh, the coronavirus
should be worried about me.
60
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,365
My body is toxic.
61
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,241
- [audience laughs]
- I'm not kidding, man.
62
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:38,512
I drink a bottle of whiskey a
day, smoke a pack of cigarettes,
63
00:02:38,636 --> 00:02:40,676
and all I do is eat McDonald's
and Burger King.
64
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,732
So, I'm the Delhi man.
65
00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:44,728
If the coronavirus
ever came into my body,
66
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:46,120
the first things
it's gonna say is
67
00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:48,343
"Get me the fuck out here.
You know?
68
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,782
This guy's crazy.
69
00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:54,699
He's drinking Jim Beam
with cereal. I want out."
70
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,793
I'll drag it back into my body
too, like, "Where are you going?
71
00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:02,527
It's not--You don't want
to miss cocaine Sunday.
72
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,270
Where are you going?"
73
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,711
[audience laughs]
74
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:08,317
"We're both gonna die, homie."
75
00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:11,628
Indians are very happy that
76
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:12,976
it didn't come from India,
by the way,
77
00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:14,455
I don't know if you know this.
78
00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:16,015
All my neighbors
are Indian, dude,
79
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,852
and they just keep talking
shit about it,
80
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,160
like, I'm just like,
"Hey, Raj, how's it going?"
81
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:22,546
"It wasn't us."
I'm like, "Why are you--
82
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,420
What do you mean it wasn't us?"
"We didn't do it."
83
00:03:24,552 --> 00:03:27,562
I'm like, "Nobody did it, dick."
84
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:28,725
"But it wasn't us, was it?"
85
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,860
"You're right, I guess.
86
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,002
Don't be a dick about it."
87
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:37,217
Goddamn quarantine, man.
88
00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:39,517
All I've been doing is watching
documentaries on serial killers.
89
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,574
That's my shit.
90
00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:43,399
You guys watch documentaries
of the serial killers?
91
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,047
My God. My God.
92
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:48,401
White people,
you guys have won that battle.
93
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:49,932
[audience laughs]
94
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:53,795
I mean, you've won. Let it go.
95
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:57,189
Every episode, stop it.
96
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,854
There's no other ethnicity
even trying to do that.
97
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:02,498
Why are you doing it?
98
00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:04,553
My white friend
is, like, pissed off.
99
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:06,029
Every time we watch a
documentary on serial killers,
100
00:04:06,158 --> 00:04:07,808
he's like, "This is bullshit.
101
00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:08,903
Not all white people
are serial killers."
102
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,511
I'm like, "Well, you know,
103
00:04:10,641 --> 00:04:11,641
all serial killers
are white, idiot.
104
00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:14,563
Are you watching this shit?
105
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:17,039
You've won."
106
00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,949
And it's not
white people's fault,
107
00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:20,134
just white people
are the only people in the world
108
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,090
that can be serial killers.
109
00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:25,179
I'm not lying.
110
00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,658
This is the only ethnicity
in the world that can do it.
111
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:29,489
There's no other ethnicity
in the world that could get away
112
00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:31,097
with eight unsolved murders
in a row.
113
00:04:31,227 --> 00:04:33,927
Nobody can do it.
114
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:34,926
You don't think
we want to do it?
115
00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:38,797
We want do it. We can.
116
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:40,760
You don't think Black people
want to be serial killers?
117
00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:44,069
Of course they do. They can.
118
00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:46,196
Could you imagine
a Black serial killer?
119
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:50,729
He would get pulled over
on the way to getting supplies.
120
00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:54,465
He hasn't even done
anything yet.
121
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,028
He'll just be driving,
122
00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:57,985
"What seems to be
the problem, Officer?"
123
00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,393
"You're taillight's out."
"No, it's not." "Officer down."
124
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:03,737
[audience laughs]
125
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:07,958
Indians, Asians, Hispanics,
we can't be serial killers.
126
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:10,310
Our family is way too nosy.
127
00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:13,917
My mom's a snitch.
My mom will show up
128
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:16,012
"Where is the rope?
What happened to the duct tape?
129
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:19,541
Where is the bleach?" I'm like,
"What are you doing here?"
130
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,757
"I'm checking the trunk."
131
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:24,846
I'm like "You can't go in there.
There's people in there, Mother.
132
00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:27,716
Why are you doing this to me?"
133
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:32,550
My mom's insane, dude.
134
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,810
Like, anytime
that I mess up in my life,
135
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:39,084
my mom will, like--will, like,
literally do something.
136
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:43,598
Like, she'll basically punish me
in ways that I don't see coming.
137
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,784
Like, last year,
I pissed her off,
138
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:48,870
and she made me take my cousin
trick-or-treating for Halloween,
139
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,310
which I don't give
a shit about.
140
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,217
It's like "I love Halloween.
Let's go."
141
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,622
I go pick up my cousin,
13-year-old Indian cousin.
142
00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:56,485
You know
what he's dressed like?
143
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:57,837
A slurpy.
144
00:05:57,966 --> 00:05:59,526
[audience laughs]
145
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:03,493
A goddamn slurpy.
146
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:05,024
I picked this idiot up.
147
00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:07,107
as a 13-year-old Indian
slurpy walking.
148
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:08,976
I'm like, "Why are you dressed
as a slurpy?
149
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:11,407
You're Indian. people are
making fun of us about this.
150
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:15,065
Why would you decide to dress
yourself up like a Slurpee?"
151
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,640
But I couldn't say that shit
152
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,677
'cause I was dressed
like Aladdin.
153
00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:20,683
[audience laughs]
154
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:21,895
I was like,
"Just hop on the carpet.
155
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,513
It's gonna be a long ride.
156
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:26,645
I hate you."
157
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:28,948
Grace.
158
00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:31,174
I was born in Portland, Oregon.
159
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:34,093
I was there till about 7 or 8,
160
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,699
and then we moved directly
to India.
161
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:40,101
I was getting my ass beat
two to three times a day.
162
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:42,135
I mean, people would just
come up and hit me.
163
00:06:42,271 --> 00:06:44,101
Anybody that thinks that they
get bullied in America, wrong.
164
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:46,009
Let me tell you
what bullying is.
165
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:47,804
You guys are pussies.
166
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:49,189
When they moved me to India,
167
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:51,321
they put me
in this terrible school.
168
00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:53,414
My dad wanted me to get this--
He's a--He's one of those guys
169
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,203
that wants you to get
that experience, you know.
170
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:58,027
It was like--It's like, "Why?"
171
00:06:58,156 --> 00:06:59,976
There's no need for this.
He would just look at me.
172
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:01,725
He's like "No,
you're learning from this."
173
00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:04,206
It's like, "I can't hear
in my right ear, Father.
174
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,206
It's gonna be tough
to learn if I'm deaf
175
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,298
by the end
of the school year, dude."
176
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,078
They're beating the shit out
of me and nobody's helping.
177
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,823
My mom's a good person.
My mom text messages me, too.
178
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:16,385
Does anyone's mom
text message you?
179
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:17,263
It's the worst thing
that's ever happened to me
180
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:19,403
in my life, right?
181
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,616
My mom text messages me
the most useless text messages
182
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,355
in the history of text messages.
183
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,266
I got one from her
the other day.
184
00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,621
I swear to God
this is what it said verbatim.
185
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:29,841
I whip it out it says,
"Oh, my God.
186
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:31,761
The remote is not working."
187
00:07:31,886 --> 00:07:35,456
[audience laughs]
188
00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,935
It goes on. Same text.
"I think it is broken,
189
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:40,106
but, oh, wait, never mind,
190
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,982
I fixed it.
Don't you worry, buddy.
191
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:44,813
Don't you worry."
I'm like, "Why?"
192
00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:46,342
I'd come like, "Mom, why would
you text me this shit?
193
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:50,076
Why does your text messages
have Indian accents?
194
00:07:50,208 --> 00:07:52,378
I don't understand.
- [audience laughs]
195
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:56,035
Who are you trying to ruin
right now? You're terrible.
196
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:58,351
A terrible young lady."
197
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:02,348
I got two sisters--doctor,
lawyer-and I'm a comedian.
198
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,142
So you can imagine
how fun thanksgiving is for me.
199
00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:07,176
[audience laughs]
200
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:12,842
I got a cousin that's an
astronaut, too, which is crazy.
201
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:16,370
Did you hear about the Tesla
shooting a rocket up recently?
202
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,536
Did you see that shit?
Oh, my God.
203
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:21,332
My cousin is an astronaut.
He's a total dick about it.
204
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:24,287
Like, every time he watches
any brown person on TV,
205
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,976
he'll call me up and be like,
"Why - this shit, bro?
206
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:28,725
What are you doing?"
207
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:30,506
Right when that rocket launched,
I called him up,
208
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,250
I was like, "Why aren't you
on the rocket, bro?
209
00:08:32,381 --> 00:08:34,951
What happened?"
- [audience laughs]
210
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:40,909
"Looks like we have
the same agent, bitch."
211
00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:42,832
I got the new iPhone
with Siri on it.
212
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:44,957
Do you guys have Siri?
Anybody have Siri?
213
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:46,919
- [WOMAN] Yeah.
- Siri is racist.
214
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:48,008
Siri only understands
white people,
215
00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:50,436
Have you noticed that shit?
216
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,403
Right? Siri. Every commercial
is white people showing off.
217
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,272
Beep, beep. "Siri, could you
tell Michael and Jason
218
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:56,543
that me and Ben
are on the way, please?"
219
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:59,226
Beep, beep, message sent.
No problem there.
220
00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,634
And I use it with my Indian
cousin's names, right?
221
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:03,928
I use them like, beep, beep,
"Siri, could you tell Rajinder,
222
00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:06,145
Pattinder and Satinder...
223
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,293
that me and Priya
are on the way, please?"
224
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:13,989
Beep, beep. "We've located
five 7-Elevens in your area."
225
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:15,988
I'm like,
"Why are you doing this?
226
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:19,990
"We made you, bitch.
We made you."
227
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:23,394
[audience laughs]
228
00:09:23,519 --> 00:09:27,869
Paying bills is terrible, right?
It's too many passwords.
229
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:30,132
Right? I got the Verizon bill
last week.
230
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:33,215
I had to crack the DaVinci Code
to pay this shit. It took long.
231
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:34,785
I get the bill. I call them up,
like, "What's up, Verizon?
232
00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,492
It's me, Kabir Singh.
Let's do this shit."
233
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:37,879
They're like,
"What's your account number?"
234
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:40,492
I'm like, "4789432."
235
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,493
"Where do you live?"
"2000 Water Avenue."
236
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:47,055
"What's your date of birth?"
"12/30/84, bitch. Now what?"
237
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:49,065
And it's like,
"What's your bill pay password?"
238
00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:53,157
I was like, "You bastards."
239
00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:54,248
I'm like,
"I don't know what that is.
240
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:55,856
"Let me just pay this shit,
241
00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:57,946
so we could move on
with our lives."
242
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,375
She's like "Okay. Then give me
your bill pay password."
243
00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:01,301
"I have a good news for you.
244
00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:04,996
In case you forgot,
you set up a password hint."
245
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,426
I was like, "Of course I did.
246
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:08,172
I'm always one step ahead
of the game.
247
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:11,393
"What's my hint, bitch?"
- [audience laughs]
248
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:14,743
Yeah. She's like,
"Your hint is turtles."
249
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:18,098
I'm like,
"I don't know any turtles.
250
00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:21,656
I've never seen--I've never
seen a turtle in my life.
251
00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:23,965
Let me just pay this shit
so I can move on with my life."
252
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:25,971
She's like, "I can't.
I need your bill pay password.
253
00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:28,023
I need to make sure it's you."
254
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:30,799
I'm like, "Who's out there
paying other people's bills?"
255
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:33,424
Right? "It's me, turtle.
256
00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:36,105
I'm turtle.
Can I be turtle, please?
257
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:38,124
Let me just pay this shit."
258
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:38,766
She's like, "I can't.
I need your bill pay password.
259
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:41,029
I need it."
260
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:42,992
It's terrible. You know what
the password turned out to be?
261
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,380
It turned out to be "rocket."
262
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:49,165
Because turtles are slow
and rockets are fast.
263
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,350
[audience laughs]
264
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,826
Thank you, Jack Daniels and
marijuana, for that combination.
265
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:56,477
Like, how wasted?
266
00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:57,962
I don't even like it.
267
00:10:58,092 --> 00:10:59,572
I'm not a fan.
268
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,622
I was bustling balls
in India, dude.
269
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,228
You know, I would make fun
of this guy over here,
270
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:04,878
and if somebody
did something stupid,
271
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,012
I would roast them
for, like, two minutes,
272
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,973
and it was new to everybody,
273
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,712
or these guys didn't
really do that a lot.
274
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:12,243
I remember that all the kids
that were kind of beating me up,
275
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,887
we became friends.
and I'm telling you
276
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:15,411
when we moved to India--
At the end of the day,
277
00:11:15,544 --> 00:11:16,984
when we moved back to America,
those three kids
278
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:18,721
were, like, crying
when I was leaving.
279
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:20,422
There were, like, giving me hugs
and just saying bye.
280
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:21,989
And then I realized
that, you know,
281
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:23,726
if you keep people
laughing and happy,
282
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,377
nobody will punch you in
the face on way to math class.
283
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:27,560
Uh, but--
- [man laughs]
284
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,297
I've been in a lot
of relationships.
285
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,467
I have girlfriend now
which is just awful.
286
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:36,093
Anybody in relationships?
Going out, isn't it the worst?
287
00:11:36,217 --> 00:11:37,347
I have a girlfriend. We've been
going out for five years.
288
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:39,089
We hate each other.
289
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,570
She'll say
the meanest shit to me,
290
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,310
but I can't break up with her
291
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,310
'cause I'm not going back
to the gym.
292
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:46,531
[audience laughs]
293
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:49,232
Like, I'm not gonna go.
They're running in there.
294
00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:52,581
She's great.
295
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,712
We both decided
to have a hall pass, though.
296
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,284
Have you guys--I don't know if
you guys know what a hall pass.
297
00:11:56,411 --> 00:11:57,981
So we're both allowed
to pick one person
298
00:11:58,108 --> 00:11:59,368
that we're allowed
to hook up with
299
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,071
if we ever get
the opportunity to meet.
300
00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:03,028
All right? One person.
301
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:06,897
So my girlfriend picked
the guy from "Aquaman."
302
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,510
[WOMAN] Jason Momoa.
303
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,160
Calm down, ho. I don't even--
304
00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:11,174
[audience laughs]
305
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:12,855
I don't like...
306
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,083
[laughter continues]
307
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:16,611
Is this your girl right here?
308
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:20,386
Jason Samosa. I don't like him.
309
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,052
I looked him up.
Very good-looking.
310
00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:23,606
I was very upset.
He looks nothing like me.
311
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,483
I was like,
"That guy's a piece of shit."
312
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:27,395
And my girl was like,
"All right. Whatever.
313
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:28,879
Who's your hall pass?"
314
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:30,099
I was like, "My hall pass
315
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:31,927
is Elizabeth from Applebee's.
316
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:33,485
They love that.
317
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:37,102
I'm not wasting my hall pass.
318
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:38,584
"She's right over there."
319
00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:41,764
[audience laughs]
320
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:43,331
"I know her schedule
like the back of my hand.
321
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:46,328
You're so stupid.
322
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:49,121
You're, like, deep-sea diving
for this dude.
323
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:51,206
I don't--You can't even swim."
324
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:52,335
[audience laughs]
325
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:55,077
I'm all good.
326
00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:57,169
She's great.
327
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:59,208
My girlfriend and I, we both
went on vacation together.
328
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:01,353
We got in this huge fight
in the hotel room.
329
00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:02,476
She went - with three flip out
ladies.
330
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,167
You know what that is.
331
00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:06,995
Yelling, crying, throwing shit.
332
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:08,004
In the hotel room,
she starts panicking.
333
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:09,605
She's just threatening me.
334
00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,485
She's like,
"I'm gonna jump out the window."
335
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:13,176
She's like,
"I'm gonna jump out the window
336
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,064
'cause the way
you make me feel."
337
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:17,185
I was like, "Holy shit."
I panicked.
338
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:18,318
I run downstairs
and wake up the manager.
339
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:20,099
I'm like, "Hey, man. Wake up.
340
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:21,634
"Me and girlfriend just gone
this huge fight."
341
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:24,107
He's like,
"That's not my problem."
342
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:26,198
I was like, "Look, man.
I don't think you get it.
343
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:27,847
"She's trying to jump out
the window. She's going crazy.
344
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:30,511
I need your help." He's like,
"That's not my problem."
345
00:13:30,635 --> 00:13:32,375
I was like, "It is your problem.
346
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:34,247
"The window is stuck."
347
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:39,378
[audience laughs]
348
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:41,694
"You gotta go up there
and fix that shit."
349
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:46,001
"I mean, don't put this on me.
350
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,649
I'm a good person."
351
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:50,703
[audience laughs]
352
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,570
This is nice. I like this.
353
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,659
Um, yeah. I do--I do enjoy doing
stand-up comedy.
354
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,403
It's the best thing. I know--
Like, the COVID has been--
355
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:01,234
I don't know
if you guys have been--
356
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,492
Anybody paying a rent over here?
Is it tough to pay rent?
357
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:06,495
- [MAN] Yeah.
- Some of you guys. Yeah.
358
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,408
It's weird because, like, I
watched this "Dateline" special,
359
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:12,503
and this dude was talking
about how landlords
360
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,204
are now taking advantage
361
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,251
of women.
- [WOMAN] Uh-huh.
362
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,597
- Yeah. Right? Oh, yes. Exactly.
They're, like, "You know,
363
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,687
if you don't wanna pay rent,
we could work something out,"
364
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,766
like a douchebag.
365
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:24,425
I mean, it-it-it just
sounds terrible.
366
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,169
And I can't imagine
how women must feel
367
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,520
knowing that, you know,
you guys have probably
368
00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:31,521
could have not paid rent
for years.
369
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,873
[audience laughs]
370
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:38,273
I mean, that's got
to be a hard hit to the soul.
371
00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:40,139
Right when I heard about that,
372
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:41,620
I went up right
to my landlord's. I was like,
373
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:44,100
I was like, "I'll blow you,
dude. Let's go."
374
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:48,371
I can't blow? That's sexist.
375
00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:51,146
We moved back to America,
and my parents, socially,
376
00:14:51,281 --> 00:14:53,281
they just didn't get
what was going on.
377
00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:55,424
I remember this great story.
My dad, he's-he's a great guy.
378
00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:57,586
He's just a simple, fun dude.
379
00:14:57,722 --> 00:14:59,812
And I told my dad--I was like,
"We're gonna throw a barbecue
380
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,732
at my--you know, over here.
I'm gonna invite some friends
381
00:15:01,857 --> 00:15:03,727
on, like, Saturday night"
or something like that.
382
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:06,509
It turns out to be,
like a--like a rager.
383
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,914
And my dad is clueless.
He is out there--I mean,
384
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:11,518
there are people going
absolutely apeshit
385
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:13,259
in this house,
and my dad's over on his porch,
386
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:14,480
like, making hot dogs, right?
387
00:15:14,609 --> 00:15:16,389
Finally,
the cops show up, right?
388
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,664
I mean, I'm sitting there.
I'm-I'm shocked.
389
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:20,567
I'm like, "Dude, this guy is not
gonna break this shit up?"
390
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:22,402
I was out of control at this
point. He looked at my dad.
391
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:24,360
He's like, "What the fuck
are you doing, bro?"
392
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,398
There are people out there going
nuts. "What are you doing?"
393
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,804
He's all like, "What, they're
not eating the hotdogs."
394
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,798
I'm like, "Dad, you're gonna
get us in so much--"
395
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,110
Dude, this conflict with my
dad, like, he was, like--
396
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:34,495
He didn't even fight us,
you know.
397
00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:36,889
So he didn't quite understand
the culture of what was going on
398
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,853
in that time period
in high school,
399
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:40,641
but it was fun to take advantage
of him once in a while.
400
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,985
You know, I was like,
"Yeah. My dad's cool."
401
00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:47,685
I love it. Traveling is terrible
I was a stand-up comedian.
402
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:50,206
I just got back from the UK.
Has anybody been to UK at all?
403
00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:51,250
- [MAN] Yeah.
- [MAN #1] Yeah.
404
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,255
UK over here, right?
405
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:54,557
They hate us over there.
They hate Americans.
406
00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:58,222
They think
we're lazy and stupid.
407
00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:00,178
And I wanna say some shit
back to 'em,
408
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:02,307
but I couldn't
'cause I was very fatigued.
409
00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:04,349
[audience laughs]
410
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,305
And I--
And I didn't have the facts.
411
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,494
After my show in London,
412
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:11,270
I was like, "Hey, man.
"Why don't you like Americans?"
413
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:12,925
He's like,
"We don't like America
414
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,969
'cause you go to other
countries, take them over
415
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:18,334
"and screw shit up."
I was like, "Really, bro?
416
00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,795
You're British."
417
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:23,325
[audience laughs]
418
00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:25,290
"And I'm Indian.
419
00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,679
Did you really just say
that shit to me, really?"
420
00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:30,382
He's like, "Joke's on you, bro.
I'm from Germany."
421
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,561
I'm like, "Well, then you really
need to shut the fuck up.
422
00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:34,427
Like, why are you even
talking about it?
423
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:35,998
How dare you."
424
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:39,218
Right?
425
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,696
Do they even have history books
in Germany?
426
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:44,526
What could they possibly say?
427
00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:47,655
"Chapter 1: we fucked up.
The end."
428
00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:52,968
I was like, "I wanna read more."
429
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,669
I did shows in India,
which is great.
430
00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,407
They don't use toilet paper
in India.
431
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:58,538
I don't know if you know that.
432
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:00,239
We use water and our hands,
433
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,057
because we believe
that's more hygienic
434
00:17:02,195 --> 00:17:04,755
and better for the environment,
which is fine with me.
435
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,903
But the problem is they told me
this eight days in the trip,
436
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,976
after I high-fived
half of New Delhi. I was like,
437
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:10,855
"When were you
gonna tell me this shit?
438
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:15,466
This is not off
the play knowledge."
439
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,469
And my cousins were pumped
to see me.
440
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,081
They wanted to impress me.
The first place they took me to
441
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:21,522
was an amusement park.
That sounds like fun, right?
442
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:25,479
Roller coasters
in a Third World country.
443
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,659
I'm in Bangalore. They put me
on this wooden roller coaster.
444
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:29,265
I'm going up this shit, like,
"I'm gonna die.
445
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,526
There's no way
I'm gonna survive this."
446
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:33,399
My cousin looks at me.
"Don't worry, buddy.
447
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,400
These roller coasters
are just like the ones
448
00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:36,972
you have in America.
Don't you worry, buddy.
449
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:40,359
Don't you worry."
I was like, "Okay. Cool."
450
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,714
I look down. I see
two Indians pulling a rope.
451
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:45,024
[audience laughs]
452
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:46,761
One of them gave me
the thumbs-up.
453
00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:49,461
I'm like, "Put your hand back
in the rope, bro.
454
00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:53,200
There's people up here,
you dick."
455
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:57,945
It's not nice.
My parents want me
456
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,597
to get an arranged marriage.
That's what they want.
457
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:04,561
My girlfriend right now is
half Hispanic and half Italian.
458
00:18:04,692 --> 00:18:08,612
So you could imagine, I have
to sleep with one eye open.
459
00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:11,309
[audience laughs]
460
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:14,568
I will get stabbed at any point.
461
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,312
And her best friend is gay,
or he claims he's gay.
462
00:18:17,444 --> 00:18:19,404
I know he's not gay.
He's a goddamn liar.
463
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:20,933
I know he's not gay
464
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:23,926
'cause he sent a dick pic
to my girlfriend,
465
00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:26,109
and he claimed it was
an accident which is bullshit.
466
00:18:26,235 --> 00:18:27,925
You do not accidentally send
a dick pic.
467
00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:30,673
There are too many steps.
- [audience laughs]
468
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,455
Right, guys? There's way
too many steps, right?
469
00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:33,809
You got to--You got to,
like, charge your phone,
470
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:36,548
grab your phone,
turn your phone on,
471
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,550
put your pants down,
look at your dick,
472
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,772
pull your pants back up,
go on the Internet,
473
00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:44,302
find a bigger dick.
- [audience laughs]
474
00:18:44,427 --> 00:18:46,427
Look at this.
475
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,480
He's a liar.
476
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:51,036
There's some Indians here.
Are you Indian over here?
477
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:52,963
That's great.
What's your name, buddy?
478
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,698
- Melvin.
- Melvin?
479
00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:57,879
That's not very Indian of you,
is it?
480
00:18:58,006 --> 00:19:01,396
This guy picked
the widest name ever.
481
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:03,491
Melvin, what do you do
for a living?
482
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:06,010
- Unemployed right now.
- Unemployed right now?
483
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:09,625
Melvin, that's--that's
two strikes towards Indians.
484
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:13,887
There's no Indian named Melvin
and also unemployed, ever.
485
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:16,632
I like that, though.
Indians get made fun
486
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,514
for a lot of stuff,
but some stuff is true.
487
00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:21,415
Like, Indians will bargain.
We don't give a shit.
488
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,511
Indians will bargain anytime,
anywhere.
489
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,470
We'll bargain
while we're getting robbed.
490
00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:28,429
I've seen it. I've seen it.
"Hey, put your hands up."
491
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:30,688
"Okay, buddy. Hear me out."
492
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:33,041
[audience laughs]
493
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,832
"How about I put one hand up,
okay? Everybody calm down."
494
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,438
"How about you give me
all your shit?"
495
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,698
"How about I give you
half my shit
496
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,141
and you give me your watch?
497
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:45,178
It's a very good deal.
You're not calm."
498
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:47,234
He say, "How about I shoot you
in the face?"
499
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,360
"How about you just stab me
and we call it a day, okay?"
500
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:51,323
[audience laughs]
501
00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:53,371
What a deal.
502
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:59,983
It's good. You guys look good.
I like this.
503
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:03,201
Yeah, man. It is--It is
very interesting traveling.
504
00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:05,252
The worst thing about doing
stand-up comedy on the road
505
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,378
is I have to do radio
really early in the mornings
506
00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:09,210
which kind of sucks.
507
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,598
Like a-a year ago,
I would have had to do
508
00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:14,652
a radio show in Denver.
It was suck.
509
00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,558
I had to do,
like, radio in Denver
510
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,223
on, like, a Saturday night
511
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:20,697
after two shows on a Friday,
which is terrible.
512
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:22,568
And I go to a radio station.
I go up to him. I was like,
513
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,609
"Hey, man. Please don't ask me
anything complicated.
514
00:20:24,745 --> 00:20:26,955
I've been up for four minutes,
515
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,005
and I'm not ready
for any of this shit."
516
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:30,930
And the deejay said,
"Don't worry about it, man.
517
00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:32,705
I'm gonna put you on air.
We'll plug your show.
518
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,840
We get you in and out."
I'm like, "Thank you."
519
00:20:34,972 --> 00:20:38,892
This traitor. Right--
Right when I got on air,
520
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:40,670
the first question he asked me
was like, "Hey, man.
521
00:20:40,804 --> 00:20:44,294
We're talking
about men's fantasies today."
522
00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:45,717
He's like, "If you were gonna
stuck in an elevator
523
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:47,203
"with anybody in the world,
524
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,513
who would you
wanna be stuck with?"
525
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:51,419
I was like,
"The elevator mechanic."
526
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:54,824
[audience laughs]
527
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:57,429
"Who else
would I wanna be stuck with
528
00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,430
on a goddamn elevator?
529
00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:01,092
You're terrible."
530
00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:03,086
[audience laughs]
531
00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:05,998
Yeah, dude.
My parents are great, dude.
532
00:21:06,134 --> 00:21:08,314
My dad is kind of crazy, though.
533
00:21:08,441 --> 00:21:10,701
I remember, like, when I was,
like--I was in Canada,
534
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,794
and I watched
a special on "Dateline,"
535
00:21:12,923 --> 00:21:14,583
and they--
This is a whole special
536
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:16,708
about this kid
that got left at Costco.
537
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,760
[chuckles] I swear to God. He
got left in Costco for two hours
538
00:21:19,887 --> 00:21:23,977
and then he sued his parents
on neglect.
539
00:21:24,108 --> 00:21:27,628
I'm like, "Really, bro?"
Like, "Dude, neglect?"
540
00:21:27,764 --> 00:21:29,294
I immediately thought of myself.
541
00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:31,548
I was like, I remember
when I was, like-like, 13,
542
00:21:31,681 --> 00:21:34,121
my dad and I--
he took me to Sizzlers.
543
00:21:34,249 --> 00:21:36,029
We're in Sizzlers,
544
00:21:36,164 --> 00:21:37,564
and he literally left
his wallet at home,
545
00:21:37,687 --> 00:21:39,947
and he left me there
as collateral.
546
00:21:40,081 --> 00:21:42,691
- [audience laughs]
- Swear to God.
547
00:21:42,823 --> 00:21:45,303
He just left me there.
He had no bills.
548
00:21:45,434 --> 00:21:48,054
Like, "I'm so sorry.
I left the wallet at home.
549
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:51,916
I'll be right back.
Take my kid.
550
00:21:52,049 --> 00:21:52,789
Don't touch his dick.
I'll be right back.
551
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,840
I'll be right back."
552
00:21:55,966 --> 00:21:59,836
I'm like, "Where are you going?"
553
00:21:59,970 --> 00:22:02,890
It's the worst shit I've ever...
554
00:22:03,017 --> 00:22:05,717
I think I was about five months
into comedy.
555
00:22:05,846 --> 00:22:07,936
My mom, my dad, and I were
living in a place in Fremont,
556
00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:10,325
and the whole house burned down.
We lost everything.
557
00:22:10,459 --> 00:22:12,719
I mean, it was a huge hit
to my mom and dad.
558
00:22:12,853 --> 00:22:15,073
We move into the apartment.
We move into a small apartment
559
00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:16,733
to get our shit back together.
560
00:22:16,857 --> 00:22:18,337
We're there
for six months, right?
561
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:20,767
And my poor mom, you know,
just struggling with it.
562
00:22:20,904 --> 00:22:22,954
Dad passes away
six months later.
563
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,820
He got really sick.
564
00:22:24,952 --> 00:22:27,222
We took him in the ho--
I think he actually fell
565
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,956
and, uh, had what I would say
would be a mini stroke,
566
00:22:30,087 --> 00:22:32,657
but not sure.
Took him to the hospital.
567
00:22:32,786 --> 00:22:34,396
It was weird 'cause, like,
one day he was fine,
568
00:22:34,527 --> 00:22:36,007
and then they just told him
to say your goodbyes.
569
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:39,177
It was crazy. It sucked.
570
00:22:39,314 --> 00:22:43,364
That was the worst day
of my life.
571
00:22:43,492 --> 00:22:45,412
But my dad is, like,
an absolute nut, dude.
572
00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:47,758
Like, my dad was a basketball
coach of my high school
573
00:22:47,888 --> 00:22:50,758
which is the worst shit
that I have, like, you know--
574
00:22:50,891 --> 00:22:52,941
It was a terrible team.
575
00:22:53,067 --> 00:22:54,627
We won three games.
576
00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:56,814
And my dad didn't understand
577
00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,900
that Indians
shouldn't be playing basketball
578
00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:02,160
against Black people.
579
00:23:02,293 --> 00:23:04,173
And he would yell at me
after every play
580
00:23:04,295 --> 00:23:06,645
like I had anything to do
with it.
581
00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:08,166
Like, he'll just call time-out.
582
00:23:08,299 --> 00:23:09,999
"Why are you letting him
do that to you?
583
00:23:12,216 --> 00:23:13,866
Why does Jerome has 42 points?
584
00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:17,441
Why are you letting Jerome
do this to us?"
585
00:23:17,570 --> 00:23:19,700
Yeah. He'd be like, "What
happened on the last play?
586
00:23:19,833 --> 00:23:21,443
What were you doing
on that last play?"
587
00:23:21,574 --> 00:23:23,924
I'm like, "The last play, Dad,
by the time I realized
588
00:23:24,054 --> 00:23:26,234
Jerome had the ball in his hand,
589
00:23:26,361 --> 00:23:28,281
his dick was already
halfway up my face.
590
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:30,757
I don't know what to do."
591
00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:33,587
I swear to God. I turned around,
and his dick, balls...
592
00:23:35,196 --> 00:23:37,456
Balls, dick. Foul on me.
593
00:23:40,114 --> 00:23:42,684
Where's the double-team,
Father?"
594
00:23:42,812 --> 00:23:44,772
I did a lot of material
with my dad.
595
00:23:44,901 --> 00:23:49,171
The jokes are a very easy way
to keep somebody, uh, alive.
596
00:23:49,297 --> 00:23:52,427
I mean, I do a shitload.
My mom was just like,
597
00:23:52,561 --> 00:23:54,001
"Why are you writing
new material about your dad?
598
00:23:54,128 --> 00:23:56,168
He's been gone
for, like, 10 years."
599
00:23:56,304 --> 00:23:57,704
I'm like, "I'm telling you it's
funny. Don't worry about it."
600
00:23:57,827 --> 00:23:59,957
So that's a really good crutch
to have.
601
00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:02,400
And, um, you know, I still
believe he's up there watching.
602
00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:04,358
I mean,
he was my biggest fan, dude.
603
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:07,096
I--my only regret is I really
wished he stuck around
604
00:24:07,228 --> 00:24:11,098
for a couple more years
to see me get on Comedy Central,
605
00:24:11,232 --> 00:24:13,452
"The Family Guy" stuff,
win these big competitions.
606
00:24:13,582 --> 00:24:15,322
He would have gone--
He would have gone--
607
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:17,804
He was going nuts with me
bombing on goddamn pizza places.
608
00:24:17,934 --> 00:24:19,764
I can't imagine him watching me.
609
00:24:19,893 --> 00:24:21,503
You know, "This guy
is, like--he did pretty good."
610
00:24:21,634 --> 00:24:24,204
I'm like, "Dad, we got to go."
[laughs] "We tanked today.
611
00:24:24,332 --> 00:24:26,292
This crowd does not like us."
612
00:24:26,421 --> 00:24:28,951
Um, But, yeah, no. That was
probably my number one, uh--
613
00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:31,116
That's--that sucks.
614
00:24:31,252 --> 00:24:32,432
I wish he was still around
to watch a little bit of that.
615
00:24:32,558 --> 00:24:34,078
+But, you know,
I still got my mom.
616
00:24:34,211 --> 00:24:36,691
She still comes to the big ones,
and she's great.
617
00:24:36,823 --> 00:24:38,833
She's really, really great.
618
00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:39,955
That's who my dad was.
And my mom was the boss
619
00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:41,647
in my family.
620
00:24:41,784 --> 00:24:43,184
That's true.
My mom was the boss.
621
00:24:43,307 --> 00:24:44,867
My dad was useless.
622
00:24:45,005 --> 00:24:47,215
I didn't realize
how useless my dad was
623
00:24:47,355 --> 00:24:49,135
until I was 8 years old
when I asked him
624
00:24:49,270 --> 00:24:50,750
for some permission
that he apparently
625
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,270
had no authority of giving me.
Right?
626
00:24:53,404 --> 00:24:55,154
I'm 8 years old, dude.
I go to my dad.
627
00:24:55,276 --> 00:24:57,146
I'm like, "Hey, Dad,
can I go play in the sprinkles?"
628
00:24:57,278 --> 00:24:58,108
He was like, "You want to go
play in the sprinkles, buddy?
629
00:24:58,235 --> 00:25:00,105
You go ahead.
630
00:25:00,237 --> 00:25:01,977
"You have a good time.
Don't you worry, buddy.
631
00:25:02,109 --> 00:25:03,679
Don't you worry."
632
00:25:03,806 --> 00:25:04,886
[audience laughs]
633
00:25:05,025 --> 00:25:06,365
I was like, "I wasn't worried
634
00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:09,455
until you said that shit
three times.
635
00:25:09,595 --> 00:25:11,595
But now
I'm extremely worried, Father.
636
00:25:11,727 --> 00:25:13,507
Thank you."
637
00:25:13,642 --> 00:25:15,472
Five minutes later,
I'm in the sprinklers
638
00:25:15,601 --> 00:25:18,731
having the time of my life
and then guess who shows up?
639
00:25:18,865 --> 00:25:22,085
Out of nowhere my mom,
like a falcon,
640
00:25:22,216 --> 00:25:25,786
she just lands
on the sidewalk pissed.
641
00:25:25,915 --> 00:25:27,955
I never heard her
curse before in my life.
642
00:25:28,091 --> 00:25:30,221
She just shows up
and she's like, "Hey,
643
00:25:30,354 --> 00:25:34,274
what the fuck
do you think you're doing?"
644
00:25:34,402 --> 00:25:35,882
I was like, "I'm playing
in the sprinklers."
645
00:25:36,012 --> 00:25:38,192
She's like, "Who told you?
646
00:25:38,319 --> 00:25:41,979
Point him out. Who told you?
647
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:45,195
I would like to meet
the person that told you.
648
00:25:45,326 --> 00:25:48,546
I just want to say hello
to the person
649
00:25:48,677 --> 00:25:50,417
that said it was okay
to play in the sprinklers.
650
00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:52,249
"Can I meet him?"
I'm like, "Mom,
651
00:25:52,376 --> 00:25:53,726
Dad told me
I could play in the sprinklers."
652
00:25:53,856 --> 00:25:56,206
She's like, "Oh.
653
00:25:57,251 --> 00:25:59,381
You asked your father
for permission.
654
00:25:59,514 --> 00:26:02,084
You might as well
have asked a banana."
655
00:26:02,212 --> 00:26:04,392
[audience laughs]
656
00:26:04,519 --> 00:26:07,959
A banana, bro.
657
00:26:08,088 --> 00:26:11,268
And then my dad tells me--
He's scared of my mom, right?
658
00:26:11,395 --> 00:26:13,045
She's like, "Did you tell him
he could play
659
00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:14,570
in the sprinklers?"
660
00:26:14,703 --> 00:26:15,753
He's like,
"I don't even know this guy."
661
00:26:15,878 --> 00:26:18,528
[audience laughs]
662
00:26:18,664 --> 00:26:20,884
"I've never seen him."
I'm like, "You piece of shit.
663
00:26:21,014 --> 00:26:22,624
You know me, bro."
664
00:26:27,020 --> 00:26:29,110
He's a dick.
665
00:26:29,239 --> 00:26:32,329
Great guy, though.
666
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:36,030
You guys are great. I like this.
This is good.
667
00:26:36,159 --> 00:26:37,199
Yeah. The cool thing
about, though,
668
00:26:37,334 --> 00:26:39,084
like, at the end of the day--
669
00:26:39,206 --> 00:26:40,506
Like, playing basketball
in high school was awesome
670
00:26:40,642 --> 00:26:42,212
because I got to hang out
with Black people.
671
00:26:42,339 --> 00:26:44,119
All the cool shit
that we see in society
672
00:26:44,254 --> 00:26:46,824
come from Black people, right?
673
00:26:46,953 --> 00:26:48,223
Like, "Shit just got real."
674
00:26:48,345 --> 00:26:50,165
Do you remember
"shit just got real"?
675
00:26:50,304 --> 00:26:52,264
Nobody? It's Burbank. I get it.
676
00:26:52,393 --> 00:26:55,403
I--There's one table
that gets it.
677
00:26:55,526 --> 00:26:57,526
He's like,
"I heard that shit."
678
00:26:57,659 --> 00:26:58,919
Have you heard
"shit just got real"?
679
00:26:59,052 --> 00:27:00,142
It's cool, man.
680
00:27:00,270 --> 00:27:02,270
All the cool kids.
681
00:27:02,403 --> 00:27:03,933
I mean, the first time I heard
it I was playing basketball.
682
00:27:04,057 --> 00:27:05,797
All of a sudden
this Black dude just comes up
683
00:27:05,928 --> 00:27:06,798
and he dunks on me.
684
00:27:06,929 --> 00:27:08,369
Monster dunk.
685
00:27:08,496 --> 00:27:10,316
Ball hits the ground,
hits my face.
686
00:27:10,454 --> 00:27:13,504
I'm bleeding from my mouth,
nose, and eyes.
687
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:15,202
And he walks right over.
He was like,
688
00:27:15,329 --> 00:27:19,029
"Yeah, motherfucker.
Shit just got real."
689
00:27:19,159 --> 00:27:20,939
And I was on the ground, like,
"Oh, my God. That's awesome.
690
00:27:21,074 --> 00:27:23,344
What did he say?
Can someone write that?
691
00:27:23,467 --> 00:27:26,037
Could somebody write that down?
'Shit just got real.'
692
00:27:26,166 --> 00:27:30,076
"I wanna say that. I wanna be
cool. I wanna be involved."
693
00:27:30,213 --> 00:27:32,353
So next I go to Burger King,
and I'm like, "This is my time.
694
00:27:32,476 --> 00:27:34,906
Time for me to step my game up."
695
00:27:35,044 --> 00:27:36,704
I was very excited. I walk in.
696
00:27:36,829 --> 00:27:38,399
I was like, "Hey, man,
can I get a Whopper, please?"
697
00:27:38,526 --> 00:27:40,086
He's like,
"You want cheese with that?"
698
00:27:40,223 --> 00:27:42,103
I was like,
"Here's your opportunity."
699
00:27:42,225 --> 00:27:43,835
I was like,
"No, man. Fuck cheese.
700
00:27:43,966 --> 00:27:45,836
Shit just got real."
701
00:27:45,968 --> 00:27:47,268
[cheers and applause]
702
00:27:47,404 --> 00:27:50,324
Yeah. Yeah.
703
00:27:50,451 --> 00:27:53,501
He's like, "No, it hasn't."
704
00:27:53,628 --> 00:27:55,498
He said, "You could've
just asked for no cheese
705
00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:58,420
instead of yelling and spitting
all over our faces."
706
00:27:58,546 --> 00:28:00,066
"I'm sorry."
707
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,680
Here's where
I got my ass kicked.
708
00:28:01,810 --> 00:28:06,340
I said that to my mom,
the Sprinkler-Nazi.
709
00:28:06,467 --> 00:28:07,947
After a rough night of drinking,
she's waking me up,
710
00:28:08,077 --> 00:28:09,337
and she's like,
"Hello, beta. Wake up.
711
00:28:09,470 --> 00:28:10,990
Tell me what you want
for breakfast.
712
00:28:11,124 --> 00:28:12,434
"Tell me what you want,
and I'll make it.
713
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:14,040
Don't you worry, buddy.
Don't you worry.
714
00:28:14,170 --> 00:28:16,480
Tell me what you want.
715
00:28:16,607 --> 00:28:18,127
Tell me what you want.
Eggs, toast, bacon."
716
00:28:18,261 --> 00:28:19,521
I was like,
"Give me all three, bitch.
717
00:28:19,654 --> 00:28:21,264
Shit just got real."
718
00:28:21,395 --> 00:28:24,135
[audience laughs]
719
00:28:24,267 --> 00:28:28,097
Yeah. She's like,
"What did you say to me?
720
00:28:28,228 --> 00:28:29,008
No, no, no.
What did you say to me?
721
00:28:29,142 --> 00:28:31,492
Get out of my house.
722
00:28:31,622 --> 00:28:33,322
Leave the car keys
on the table.
723
00:28:33,450 --> 00:28:35,710
I bought you that car.
Now get out of my house.
724
00:28:35,844 --> 00:28:37,934
Now you living on the street.
You're homeless.
725
00:28:38,064 --> 00:28:40,154
You got nowhere to go.
726
00:28:40,283 --> 00:28:41,853
Oh!
727
00:28:41,981 --> 00:28:44,551
Shit just got real, huh?"
728
00:28:44,679 --> 00:28:49,419
[cheers and applause]
729
00:28:49,553 --> 00:28:50,953
I just want to thank you guys
all for coming out
730
00:28:51,077 --> 00:28:53,207
and supporting live comedy.
731
00:28:53,340 --> 00:28:56,040
I love you guys, man.
My name is Kabir Singh.
732
00:28:56,169 --> 00:28:58,999
It was an honor and privilege
to quar with you guys.
733
00:28:59,128 --> 00:29:00,908
[MAN] Keep it going
for Kabir Singh.
734
00:29:01,043 --> 00:29:04,353
[cheers and applause]
735
00:29:04,481 --> 00:29:06,531
So right when my dad
passed away,
736
00:29:06,657 --> 00:29:08,137
I think that's when I started
taking the business
737
00:29:08,268 --> 00:29:09,748
of stand-up really seriously.
738
00:29:09,878 --> 00:29:11,398
If you're gonna do this,
you gotta buckle down
739
00:29:11,532 --> 00:29:13,272
'cause it's gonna be
really downhill
740
00:29:13,403 --> 00:29:15,323
if we're not
gonna make money.
741
00:29:15,449 --> 00:29:17,189
Start working really hard.
Hitting the clubs.
742
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,450
I got my first TV credit
about year four.
743
00:29:19,583 --> 00:29:21,463
Gabriel Iglesias saw me,
put me on Comedy Central,
744
00:29:21,585 --> 00:29:23,325
"Stand-Up Revolution."
745
00:29:23,457 --> 00:29:24,677
Won the SF International
Comedy competition.
746
00:29:24,806 --> 00:29:26,586
Starting doing some work
with "Family Guy."
747
00:29:26,721 --> 00:29:28,291
Those three things immediately
in the first four years
748
00:29:28,418 --> 00:29:31,468
probably saved us financially.
749
00:29:31,595 --> 00:29:33,765
[audience laughs]
750
00:29:33,902 --> 00:29:35,432
[MAN] Are you guys ready
for another comic?
751
00:29:35,556 --> 00:29:37,206
-[MAN IN AUDIENCE] Yeah.
- [MAN] Good.
752
00:29:37,340 --> 00:29:38,990
Whether I was
pre-wired as in introvert,
753
00:29:39,125 --> 00:29:41,385
it's a pretty consistent thing.
754
00:29:41,518 --> 00:29:43,218
Uh, I think that's one of--
one of the reasons
755
00:29:43,346 --> 00:29:45,826
why stand-up is--
This has been so appealing to me
756
00:29:45,958 --> 00:29:50,308
because in social situations,
especially with strangers,
757
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:55,010
even this, like I'm not--I'm
not comfortable yet, you know.
758
00:29:55,141 --> 00:29:57,271
Like, I'll get to a place.
759
00:29:57,404 --> 00:29:59,624
But it's almost like I--
760
00:29:59,754 --> 00:30:01,844
I never feel
like I have permission to talk.
761
00:30:01,974 --> 00:30:05,544
All of us have various levels
of being introverted.
762
00:30:05,673 --> 00:30:08,633
But I'm probably the most--
the most.
763
00:30:08,763 --> 00:30:10,633
I was gonna say severe,
but I don't wanna--
764
00:30:10,765 --> 00:30:12,325
It's not like a disease.
765
00:30:12,462 --> 00:30:13,722
[interviewer laughs] Yeah.
766
00:30:13,855 --> 00:30:17,285
It's just
the other type of person.
767
00:30:17,424 --> 00:30:20,174
[MAN] Welcome to the stage,
Kellen Erskine.
768
00:30:20,296 --> 00:30:23,126
[cheers and applause]
769
00:30:28,174 --> 00:30:30,314
Hey, how are you doing?
770
00:30:30,437 --> 00:30:32,657
It is good to be here.
771
00:30:32,787 --> 00:30:36,007
Great to be part
of this social experiment.
772
00:30:36,138 --> 00:30:37,658
[audience laughs]
773
00:30:37,792 --> 00:30:40,662
[chuckles] I'm gonna talk
about the pandemic
774
00:30:40,795 --> 00:30:43,355
for about 25 seconds,
and then I won't
775
00:30:43,493 --> 00:30:46,063
for the rest of my set
'cause I rather just forget
776
00:30:46,192 --> 00:30:49,332
this year all together.
777
00:30:49,456 --> 00:30:52,806
I think the feeling
is mutual everyone.
778
00:30:52,938 --> 00:30:54,108
I think
even in the history books,
779
00:30:54,243 --> 00:30:55,903
they're just gonna skip over it,
780
00:30:56,028 --> 00:31:00,468
like how some hotel
just don't have a 13th floor.
781
00:31:00,597 --> 00:31:03,037
I just want to say that
if you're the type of person
782
00:31:03,165 --> 00:31:06,385
who will not wear a mask
783
00:31:06,516 --> 00:31:09,516
because you're not at all afraid
784
00:31:09,650 --> 00:31:13,440
of catching COVID
or spreading it
785
00:31:13,567 --> 00:31:15,997
but you still would never move
to California
786
00:31:16,135 --> 00:31:18,875
because of earthquakes...
787
00:31:21,401 --> 00:31:23,141
you shouldn't be
allowed to vote, okay?
788
00:31:23,272 --> 00:31:26,452
Because your--
- [audience laughs]
789
00:31:26,580 --> 00:31:28,630
your brain doesn't make sense.
I travel all over the country.
790
00:31:28,756 --> 00:31:31,366
I've asked audiences
in every major city
791
00:31:31,498 --> 00:31:32,758
if there's a reason
why they wouldn't never live
792
00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:34,811
in California, what would it be?
793
00:31:34,936 --> 00:31:38,546
Earthquakes is the number-one
answer everywhere I go,
794
00:31:38,679 --> 00:31:40,199
which is crazy.
795
00:31:40,333 --> 00:31:42,773
Only two people have died
in an earthquake
796
00:31:42,901 --> 00:31:48,381
in the last 18 years
in this entire country.
797
00:31:48,515 --> 00:31:50,385
But the earthquake's answer
I mostly get from states
798
00:31:50,517 --> 00:31:53,387
that have tornado season.
799
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,740
[audience laughs]
800
00:31:55,870 --> 00:32:00,830
I heard the entire eastern
seaboard has hurricane season.
801
00:32:00,962 --> 00:32:04,752
Just come over to California.
It's safe. It's warm.
802
00:32:04,879 --> 00:32:07,659
People say
that California lacks seasons.
803
00:32:07,795 --> 00:32:09,485
But we have all of them.
It's a big state.
804
00:32:09,623 --> 00:32:11,283
You can go skiing in Tahoe.
805
00:32:11,407 --> 00:32:12,707
We just don't have the seasons
806
00:32:12,843 --> 00:32:16,023
that will throw your car
into a billboard.
807
00:32:16,151 --> 00:32:18,851
[audience laughs]
808
00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:20,940
And we pay taxes
without privilege.
809
00:32:21,069 --> 00:32:24,639
But the point is
if safety is your priority,
810
00:32:24,768 --> 00:32:26,808
you live in Oklahoma,
especially you're in a trailer,
811
00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:30,985
drag that thing to San Diego.
812
00:32:31,123 --> 00:32:33,393
The trailer is the safest place
you could possibly be
813
00:32:33,516 --> 00:32:35,256
in an earthquake.
You kidding me?
814
00:32:35,388 --> 00:32:36,908
Worst-case scenario
your house falls over.
815
00:32:37,042 --> 00:32:39,782
You just hop out
and pop it right back up again.
816
00:32:39,914 --> 00:32:43,614
[audience laughs]
817
00:32:43,744 --> 00:32:45,274
It's fine. And nobody--
If you grow up in California,
818
00:32:45,398 --> 00:32:49,618
nobody walks around
in fear of an earthquake.
819
00:32:49,750 --> 00:32:51,490
We don't even think about--
Like, if I miss a text
820
00:32:51,621 --> 00:32:53,711
early in the morning that says,
"Did you feel that?"
821
00:32:53,841 --> 00:32:56,801
I'm disappointed
that I didn't feel that.
822
00:32:56,931 --> 00:33:02,201
[cheers and applause]
823
00:33:02,328 --> 00:33:03,938
And I have to make up a text
824
00:33:04,069 --> 00:33:05,679
just so I can,
like, fit in, like,
825
00:33:05,809 --> 00:33:08,639
"Oh, totally. I thought
it was a train at first."
826
00:33:10,771 --> 00:33:13,601
I don't make
a good first impression.
827
00:33:13,730 --> 00:33:16,730
I stop going to my bank
because I went in one time
828
00:33:16,864 --> 00:33:18,824
and they were like,
"We heard you were a comedian."
829
00:33:18,953 --> 00:33:23,443
And I was like, "Yeah."
And they said, verbatim,
830
00:33:23,566 --> 00:33:25,656
"Well, we were wondering like
what kind of comedian you were
831
00:33:25,786 --> 00:33:27,786
'cause you're never funny
when you come in here."
832
00:33:27,918 --> 00:33:32,228
[laughing] Yeah,
I wish--I wish that I had the--
833
00:33:32,358 --> 00:33:33,968
I hate that mentality, too.
834
00:33:34,099 --> 00:33:35,799
That, like, the person
that they think
835
00:33:35,926 --> 00:33:37,536
is a comedian doesn't exist.
836
00:33:37,667 --> 00:33:39,227
Because if that person
did exist,
837
00:33:39,365 --> 00:33:40,835
you'd think he was a psychopath.
838
00:33:40,975 --> 00:33:43,365
If I, like, kicked in the door
and I was like,
839
00:33:43,499 --> 00:33:46,369
"What's the deal
with these over-limit fees, huh?
840
00:33:46,502 --> 00:33:47,852
And, like, seltzer flower."
841
00:33:47,982 --> 00:33:49,682
There's no way
they would be like,
842
00:33:49,810 --> 00:33:51,160
"This guy must be a comic,
right?"
843
00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:52,680
They would call the police.
844
00:33:52,813 --> 00:33:55,253
They would hit that button
under the desk
845
00:33:55,381 --> 00:33:57,691
because that person isn't real.
846
00:33:57,818 --> 00:34:00,818
[audience laughs]
847
00:34:00,951 --> 00:34:03,041
- [crickets chirping]
- It's-It's a little unnerving
848
00:34:03,171 --> 00:34:05,781
to hear actual crickets
doing the show.
849
00:34:05,913 --> 00:34:08,183
[audience laughs]
850
00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:13,790
It's the first show
I've ever done...
851
00:34:15,749 --> 00:34:17,579
where it wasn't hyperbole.
852
00:34:17,707 --> 00:34:18,837
[audience laughs]
853
00:34:18,969 --> 00:34:21,929
[laughing]
854
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:24,980
I haven't performed in months,
855
00:34:25,106 --> 00:34:30,716
and immediately the universe
is like, "You're bombing."
856
00:34:30,851 --> 00:34:33,851
[audience laughs]
857
00:34:33,984 --> 00:34:36,294
So what are you guys afraid of?
Let's get into this.
858
00:34:36,422 --> 00:34:37,772
[MAN] Mountain lions.
859
00:34:37,901 --> 00:34:39,771
Mountain lions?
860
00:34:39,903 --> 00:34:41,513
I feel like that's something
that could happen
861
00:34:41,644 --> 00:34:44,604
to any of us right now, right?
Like, we're--
862
00:34:44,734 --> 00:34:47,654
we're in--Did you see one?
Is that why you're saying that?
863
00:34:47,781 --> 00:34:49,391
[audience laughs]
864
00:34:49,522 --> 00:34:50,962
- What else?
- [WOMAN] Homelessness.
865
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,959
Homelessness? Wow. That's dark.
866
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:55,751
Okay. I didn't--[laughing]
867
00:34:55,876 --> 00:34:57,876
[audience laughs]
868
00:34:58,008 --> 00:35:00,448
I didn't mean
like the impending,
869
00:35:00,576 --> 00:35:02,096
like in a couple decades.
870
00:35:02,230 --> 00:35:03,970
Very possible the way
the stocks are going--
871
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,672
- I've never heard that answer.
- [MAN] Spiders!
872
00:35:05,799 --> 00:35:07,539
There we go. Spiders.
873
00:35:07,670 --> 00:35:08,800
I got yelled at
like it's happening right now.
874
00:35:08,932 --> 00:35:10,632
[audience laughs]
875
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:12,760
Spiders.
876
00:35:12,893 --> 00:35:15,553
We'll get to that in a minute.
That, uh--That's mine.
877
00:35:15,678 --> 00:35:19,638
- [MAN] Blood?
- Blood? What was that?
878
00:35:19,769 --> 00:35:21,599
Blood?
879
00:35:21,728 --> 00:35:24,688
[laughing] All the reaction here
were like,
880
00:35:24,818 --> 00:35:27,558
"Does this help?" Oh.
881
00:35:27,690 --> 00:35:29,950
What, you're afraid--
Like, the sight of--
882
00:35:30,084 --> 00:35:31,654
the sight of blood?
883
00:35:31,781 --> 00:35:33,441
Yeah, he's like,
"Don't even say--"
884
00:35:33,566 --> 00:35:34,826
You brought it up.
885
00:35:34,958 --> 00:35:36,998
[audience laughs]
886
00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:38,745
- [MAN] Sharks.
- Sharks?
887
00:35:38,875 --> 00:35:40,615
You're afraid of sharks?
888
00:35:40,747 --> 00:35:41,747
Yeah, I think--
I think that one's avoidable.
889
00:35:41,878 --> 00:35:43,788
[audience laughs]
890
00:35:43,924 --> 00:35:45,974
Like, are you really,
like, really scare--
891
00:35:46,100 --> 00:35:47,620
Like, you wake up
in the middle of the night,
892
00:35:47,754 --> 00:35:49,804
like, "Honey, did you drain
the bathtub?"
893
00:35:49,930 --> 00:35:51,980
[audience laughs]
894
00:35:52,106 --> 00:35:53,926
What else?
- [WOMAN] Guns.
895
00:35:54,064 --> 00:35:55,944
- [WOMAN] Needles.
- Needles?
896
00:35:56,066 --> 00:35:57,846
You're the homeless one, right?
Like, well, that's--
897
00:35:57,981 --> 00:36:00,981
[audience laughs]
898
00:36:01,115 --> 00:36:03,635
Needles can lead
to homelessness, so...
899
00:36:03,770 --> 00:36:05,470
[audience laughs]
900
00:36:05,598 --> 00:36:07,298
[WOMAN] Bears.
901
00:36:07,426 --> 00:36:09,206
Bears. Oh, I like that one.
902
00:36:09,341 --> 00:36:12,471
Have you had, like, a traumatic
experience with a bear?
903
00:36:12,605 --> 00:36:14,685
[WOMAN] I like to watch
bear wrestling.
904
00:36:14,824 --> 00:36:17,044
[audience laughs]
905
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,125
Hold on. You like to watch
bare wrestling?
906
00:36:20,265 --> 00:36:22,525
We're not talking
about animals anymore, are we?
907
00:36:22,658 --> 00:36:26,048
[audience laughs]
908
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:27,714
[WOMAN #2]: Bare wrestling.
909
00:36:27,837 --> 00:36:28,877
[audience laughs]
910
00:36:29,012 --> 00:36:30,672
Did you hear over here?
911
00:36:30,797 --> 00:36:34,537
She explained to her friend,
"Bare wrestling."
912
00:36:34,670 --> 00:36:38,720
[audience laughs]
913
00:36:38,848 --> 00:36:41,898
I think maybe--maybe you should
be afraid of homelessness.
914
00:36:42,025 --> 00:36:44,455
[audience laughs]
915
00:36:44,593 --> 00:36:46,643
I'm afraid of spiders,
and it's bad.
916
00:36:46,769 --> 00:36:48,949
Like, I don't know how my body's
gonna react, what I'm gonna do.
917
00:36:49,076 --> 00:36:53,206
I was, um--I was driving down
the 405 here in Los Angeles.
918
00:36:53,341 --> 00:36:55,211
It was one of the widest
freeways in America.
919
00:36:55,343 --> 00:36:57,823
At one point it's 18 lanes,
nine on each side.
920
00:36:57,954 --> 00:37:00,174
I'm in the fast lane,
and the spider, a hairy one--
921
00:37:00,305 --> 00:37:02,655
that matters--
- [audience laughs]
922
00:37:02,785 --> 00:37:05,875
came out
from behind the sun visor
923
00:37:06,006 --> 00:37:07,916
and skittered back
out of sight.
924
00:37:08,051 --> 00:37:10,881
So I went across all the lanes.
925
00:37:11,011 --> 00:37:13,491
Didn't change lanes.
I drove sideways.
926
00:37:13,622 --> 00:37:16,542
You--Like, have you ever
played Frogger?
927
00:37:17,974 --> 00:37:19,934
Are you to that point
where you just hold the button
928
00:37:20,063 --> 00:37:22,023
and hope it all works out.
929
00:37:22,152 --> 00:37:23,722
That's what I did,
and I was fine.
930
00:37:23,850 --> 00:37:25,240
I mean, I don't know
what happened behind me.
931
00:37:25,373 --> 00:37:27,723
But I made it to the shoulder,
hopped out,
932
00:37:27,854 --> 00:37:29,464
slammed the visor down.
933
00:37:29,595 --> 00:37:31,595
Spider wasn't there,
so I called Triple A.
934
00:37:31,727 --> 00:37:33,727
[audience laughs]
935
00:37:33,860 --> 00:37:35,470
It's a service they provide.
They don't know it.
936
00:37:35,601 --> 00:37:37,211
You just have to do it, right?
937
00:37:37,342 --> 00:37:39,132
When the guy got there,
he goes like,
938
00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:41,127
"So, what's the problem again?"
939
00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:42,869
And I was like, "There's smoke
coming from the dash,
940
00:37:42,999 --> 00:37:45,829
so if you could just check
all the crevasses."
941
00:37:45,959 --> 00:37:49,749
[audience laughs]
942
00:37:49,876 --> 00:37:51,916
By the way,
the next time you see, like,
943
00:37:52,052 --> 00:37:54,792
an abandoned car dangerously
parked on the side of the road,
944
00:37:54,924 --> 00:37:56,584
don't judge that person.
945
00:37:56,709 --> 00:37:58,189
[audience laughs]
946
00:37:58,319 --> 00:38:00,059
You don't know.
There could have been, uh,
947
00:38:00,974 --> 00:38:02,724
you know, needles
in the glove compartment.
948
00:38:02,845 --> 00:38:05,585
[audience laughs]
949
00:38:05,718 --> 00:38:11,248
My parents were very strict
in every way.
950
00:38:11,376 --> 00:38:15,076
[laughing]
Like, I rarely, you know,
951
00:38:15,205 --> 00:38:18,295
got to go to
friend's houses to-to play.
952
00:38:18,426 --> 00:38:22,596
Bedtime was 8:00
until I was, you know, 15.
953
00:38:22,735 --> 00:38:24,775
Got three siblings.
954
00:38:24,911 --> 00:38:27,091
We were all homeschooled.
955
00:38:27,217 --> 00:38:30,957
I--Mom was not happy
with the public school system,
956
00:38:31,091 --> 00:38:34,921
and so she made sure
that we grew up
957
00:38:35,051 --> 00:38:37,881
without any social skills.
958
00:38:38,011 --> 00:38:39,531
[interviewer laughs]
959
00:38:39,665 --> 00:38:41,185
It's all I knew, so to me,
960
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:43,189
it--that was,
you know, the world.
961
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:47,061
Like, I still have conversations
with--with adults.
962
00:38:47,194 --> 00:38:49,634
And adults refer to memories.
963
00:38:49,762 --> 00:38:51,942
They qualify them
with "in the third grade,
964
00:38:52,068 --> 00:38:53,588
in the fourth grade."
965
00:38:53,722 --> 00:38:55,122
And I still--to me,
it's all ages.
966
00:38:55,245 --> 00:38:57,195
I don't know what those mean.
967
00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:59,335
At one point,
I memorized that at fifth--
968
00:38:59,467 --> 00:39:01,637
You're 10 years old
when you're in fifth grade,
969
00:39:01,774 --> 00:39:04,124
so I worked like up
or down based on that one.
970
00:39:04,254 --> 00:39:05,954
But I have to take a minute
to do the math
971
00:39:06,082 --> 00:39:08,392
when I'm talking to somebody.
972
00:39:09,651 --> 00:39:11,651
How many of you bought
a lottery tickets last year
973
00:39:11,784 --> 00:39:14,004
when that Powerball went
to over a billion dollars?
974
00:39:14,134 --> 00:39:15,664
Anyone else? Yeah. I did.
- [clapping]
975
00:39:15,788 --> 00:39:17,568
Never bought
a lottery ticket of my life.
976
00:39:17,703 --> 00:39:19,183
Never even gambled before
977
00:39:19,313 --> 00:39:22,883
other than throwing away
every jury summons.
978
00:39:23,012 --> 00:39:24,842
[audience laughs]
979
00:39:26,189 --> 00:39:27,799
You can do that. It's a rush.
980
00:39:27,930 --> 00:39:29,670
[audience laughs]
981
00:39:29,802 --> 00:39:31,802
I bought a lottery ticket,
and it wasn't just me.
982
00:39:31,934 --> 00:39:33,284
It was on the news.
There were thousands
983
00:39:33,414 --> 00:39:35,204
of first-time lottery
ticket buyers.
984
00:39:35,329 --> 00:39:37,109
People lined up
around buildings for hours,
985
00:39:37,244 --> 00:39:40,864
which is crazy in retrospect
because that means that even
986
00:39:40,987 --> 00:39:44,687
when that jackpot had gotten up
to 900 million,
987
00:39:44,817 --> 00:39:47,467
most of us were still like,
"No, not yet."
988
00:39:47,602 --> 00:39:49,392
[audience laughs]
989
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:52,130
"What's left after taxes?"
990
00:39:52,259 --> 00:39:54,829
The crazier part are the odds.
991
00:39:54,957 --> 00:39:57,047
It's one in 300 million.
Those are your chances.
992
00:39:57,177 --> 00:40:00,217
We can't even wrap our minds
around how impossibly big--
993
00:40:00,354 --> 00:40:03,404
300 million people
live in this country.
994
00:40:03,531 --> 00:40:05,451
Okay? If they changed
how they chose the winner
995
00:40:05,577 --> 00:40:08,357
but kept the same odds,
no one would ever buy a ticket.
996
00:40:08,493 --> 00:40:11,233
If they were like, "Hey,
we've hidden a billion dollars
997
00:40:11,365 --> 00:40:13,055
in a random kitchen somewhere
998
00:40:13,193 --> 00:40:15,063
within
the United States of America.
999
00:40:15,195 --> 00:40:18,065
Now, you give us $2.00,
1000
00:40:18,198 --> 00:40:21,238
you get one shot
to guess the address."
1001
00:40:21,375 --> 00:40:24,595
[audience laughs]
1002
00:40:26,902 --> 00:40:28,432
Like, none of us would even know
that stupid thought,
1003
00:40:28,556 --> 00:40:32,036
"Well, if I give him $10,
I do get five guesses.
1004
00:40:32,168 --> 00:40:35,738
[audience laughs]
1005
00:40:35,868 --> 00:40:37,218
I was looking at a map
of the United States.
1006
00:40:37,347 --> 00:40:39,387
Just picture the map
in your head.
1007
00:40:39,524 --> 00:40:42,274
I know that we were generally
formed from east to west, okay?
1008
00:40:42,396 --> 00:40:44,136
Right to left.
1009
00:40:44,267 --> 00:40:45,787
But it looks like
it was the other way around.
1010
00:40:45,921 --> 00:40:47,971
It looks like
there was one guy in charge
1011
00:40:48,097 --> 00:40:49,797
of designing the entire country,
1012
00:40:49,925 --> 00:40:52,055
and his boss just gave him
an outline to start with,
1013
00:40:52,188 --> 00:40:54,148
and he's like, "You got
to divide this into 50
1014
00:40:54,277 --> 00:40:56,057
starting from the left side."
1015
00:40:56,192 --> 00:40:58,282
And the guy was like, "Oh, yeah.
There's plenty of room."
1016
00:40:58,412 --> 00:41:00,202
[audience laughs]
1017
00:41:06,289 --> 00:41:08,249
I hate buying milk.
1018
00:41:08,378 --> 00:41:09,818
I don't have segues.
1019
00:41:09,945 --> 00:41:13,905
[audience laughs]
1020
00:41:14,036 --> 00:41:15,256
[laughs]
1021
00:41:16,386 --> 00:41:18,126
You ever go to buy milk
when that's all you need,
1022
00:41:18,258 --> 00:41:19,688
so you don't grab a basket
or a cart?
1023
00:41:19,825 --> 00:41:21,475
You just grab the milk,
1024
00:41:21,609 --> 00:41:24,529
and then it becomes a test
of physical endurance.
1025
00:41:24,656 --> 00:41:28,086
Trading it from hand to hand.
It's heavy. It's cold.
1026
00:41:28,224 --> 00:41:33,144
If there are any, like,
milk designers in the crowd,
1027
00:41:33,273 --> 00:41:35,413
I just wanna let you know,
you're not impressing anyone.
1028
00:41:35,536 --> 00:41:38,796
We don't need milk
in the handle.
1029
00:41:38,931 --> 00:41:43,111
[audience laughs]
1030
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:45,499
What was that for?
Nothing else comes that way.
1031
00:41:45,633 --> 00:41:49,253
Nobody asks for food
in the grabby part.
1032
00:41:49,376 --> 00:41:50,896
They don't sell them out the way
1033
00:41:51,030 --> 00:41:52,510
they sell other stuff either,
right?
1034
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,250
You grab a bag of marshmallows
off the shelf.
1035
00:41:54,381 --> 00:41:56,341
All the other marshmallows
don't come at you.
1036
00:41:56,470 --> 00:41:59,080
[audience laughs]
1037
00:41:59,212 --> 00:42:00,872
But milk, one of the heaviest
things there,
1038
00:42:00,996 --> 00:42:03,996
they sell in a ramp that's aimed
at your face, all right?
1039
00:42:04,130 --> 00:42:06,480
Pulling a gallon off,
seven others slam forward,
1040
00:42:06,611 --> 00:42:08,791
it's two percent,
you wanted non-fat,
1041
00:42:08,917 --> 00:42:10,307
but you can't put it back.
1042
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:13,360
[laughter and applause]
1043
00:42:13,487 --> 00:42:15,267
I discovered, though,
you push those other milks
1044
00:42:15,402 --> 00:42:17,012
hard enough, they disappear.
1045
00:42:17,143 --> 00:42:21,583
[audience laughs]
1046
00:42:21,713 --> 00:42:24,503
I always had a journal.
I tried to write funny stories
1047
00:42:24,629 --> 00:42:26,979
to try and make
my whole family laugh.
1048
00:42:27,109 --> 00:42:28,809
I went back
to one of them recently.
1049
00:42:28,937 --> 00:42:31,847
It's called "Bob."
It was about an 11-year-old kid.
1050
00:42:31,984 --> 00:42:34,384
And I was--Even though
it was a silly story,
1051
00:42:34,508 --> 00:42:38,508
it was what I sort of could
relate to was this kid
1052
00:42:38,643 --> 00:42:42,043
who was kind of distant
from his parents
1053
00:42:42,168 --> 00:42:45,208
to the point where they,
uh--they timed it just right
1054
00:42:45,345 --> 00:42:46,995
so when he walked out
to the school bus,
1055
00:42:47,129 --> 00:42:50,389
the sprinklers went on,
like they were sort
1056
00:42:50,524 --> 00:42:52,614
in the extreme end
of the spectrum
1057
00:42:52,744 --> 00:42:56,184
where they're, like,
playing pranks on their own son.
1058
00:42:56,312 --> 00:42:57,972
But then I had my parents
read it and they didn't--
1059
00:42:58,097 --> 00:42:59,227
they just thought it was funny.
1060
00:42:59,359 --> 00:43:01,229
They didn't see it
as a reflection.
1061
00:43:01,361 --> 00:43:04,281
[INTERVIEWER] Of them?
[ laughs ]
1062
00:43:04,407 --> 00:43:07,107
I wish--Yeah, as a kid,
I could have been like,
1063
00:43:07,236 --> 00:43:10,276
"Don't you understand
the satire?"
1064
00:43:10,413 --> 00:43:11,853
The only thing I hate
about Costco
1065
00:43:11,980 --> 00:43:14,460
is that first 50 feet
when you walk in.
1066
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:19,122
There's just an awkward aisle
of vendors barking at you.
1067
00:43:19,248 --> 00:43:21,638
It's uncomfortable for me.
1068
00:43:21,773 --> 00:43:24,253
I just came here to pick up
a rotisserie chicken, right?
1069
00:43:24,384 --> 00:43:28,044
Not to, like, make
a massage chair impulse buy.
1070
00:43:28,170 --> 00:43:31,220
[audience laughs]
1071
00:43:31,347 --> 00:43:33,567
You see the size of my car?
It doesn't make sense.
1072
00:43:33,698 --> 00:43:35,258
I usually pull this move.
I just tell them
1073
00:43:35,395 --> 00:43:37,005
that I have
whatever they're selling
1074
00:43:37,136 --> 00:43:39,046
and you can avoid
that conversation.
1075
00:43:39,181 --> 00:43:41,971
But the one guy last December--
I've never seen this before.
1076
00:43:42,097 --> 00:43:45,357
I haven't seen it since.
He had a couple of robot vacuums
1077
00:43:45,492 --> 00:43:47,452
going back and forth
on a strip of carpet.
1078
00:43:47,581 --> 00:43:49,501
I thought I was ready.
1079
00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:52,627
He said, "Excuse me, sir."
I said, "I've got a Roomba."
1080
00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:55,980
And then he said,
"Does it get the corners?"
1081
00:43:56,111 --> 00:43:59,381
[audience laughs]
1082
00:44:01,421 --> 00:44:03,081
I looked down.
They were square, whatever.
1083
00:44:03,205 --> 00:44:06,425
The point is there
weren't Roombas.
1084
00:44:06,556 --> 00:44:08,906
But it's crazy
that a rival company
1085
00:44:09,037 --> 00:44:11,167
is thinking
that, like, the thing
1086
00:44:11,300 --> 00:44:15,300
preventing potential
Roomba customers was the shape.
1087
00:44:15,435 --> 00:44:16,995
When Roomba came out,
it was just amazing.
1088
00:44:17,132 --> 00:44:19,222
Nobody cared.
1089
00:44:19,352 --> 00:44:20,662
No one was like,
"Oh, I see that this is a vacuum
1090
00:44:20,788 --> 00:44:22,698
"from the future
that does everything by itself."
1091
00:44:22,834 --> 00:44:25,274
Who doesn't get like, you know--
like, the last two inches
1092
00:44:25,401 --> 00:44:28,361
where the walls meet
and I stand so often?
1093
00:44:28,491 --> 00:44:30,101
[audience laughs]
1094
00:44:30,232 --> 00:44:32,372
No? Call back
when it's a rhombus.
1095
00:44:32,495 --> 00:44:37,015
[laughter and applause]
1096
00:44:37,152 --> 00:44:39,292
Can explain Rhombus to her.
1097
00:44:41,766 --> 00:44:43,856
So he goes to hand me
a business card,
1098
00:44:43,985 --> 00:44:45,505
and this is 100% true.
1099
00:44:45,639 --> 00:44:47,339
One of the proudest moments
of my life.
1100
00:44:47,467 --> 00:44:50,117
I took the card,
threw it down in front
1101
00:44:50,252 --> 00:44:52,562
of one of the oncoming vacuums
and said,
1102
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:55,130
"I live in a lighthouse."
1103
00:44:55,257 --> 00:44:57,697
[audience laughs]
1104
00:44:57,825 --> 00:45:00,475
I got a high school degree
when I was 13,
1105
00:45:00,610 --> 00:45:01,390
and at the time
I thought it was cool
1106
00:45:01,524 --> 00:45:03,144
that I found this thing.
1107
00:45:03,265 --> 00:45:04,265
It wasn't the GED.
It's this other test
1108
00:45:04,397 --> 00:45:05,957
that you could be in any age
1109
00:45:06,094 --> 00:45:07,184
to take it
if you got permission.
1110
00:45:07,313 --> 00:45:09,183
And--And I took it.
1111
00:45:09,315 --> 00:45:11,265
I was, like, "Oh, cool.
I'll be done with college."
1112
00:45:11,404 --> 00:45:13,324
But it was--
it was a mistake in retrospect
1113
00:45:13,449 --> 00:45:15,189
because I wasn't a protege.
1114
00:45:15,321 --> 00:45:17,761
Like, I found--Like,
I was never on "Oprah."
1115
00:45:17,889 --> 00:45:21,069
I was--I wasn't playing
like sonatas when I was 4.
1116
00:45:21,196 --> 00:45:25,586
I just found, uh, essentially,
a flaw in the system,
1117
00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:28,423
and now I'm going to college,
1118
00:45:28,551 --> 00:45:31,291
and I, uh--I loved being
with people my age,
1119
00:45:31,424 --> 00:45:33,084
but I didn't even think
that through.
1120
00:45:33,208 --> 00:45:36,468
To me what was more important
was the clever idea
1121
00:45:36,603 --> 00:45:39,433
that it was to get ahead,
you know?
1122
00:45:39,562 --> 00:45:41,172
And I didn't even know
1123
00:45:41,303 --> 00:45:43,393
what getting ahead even meant,
you know?
1124
00:45:43,523 --> 00:45:47,093
I was--I was still
watching "Animaniacs."
1125
00:45:47,222 --> 00:45:49,922
[interviewer laughing]
1126
00:45:50,051 --> 00:45:52,181
[laughs] Like--Like--
1127
00:45:52,314 --> 00:45:55,454
And now I'm gonna decide
what my major is?
1128
00:45:55,578 --> 00:45:58,058
Like, I didn't--
There was no joy in any of it,
1129
00:45:58,190 --> 00:46:02,020
so I was probably
the youngest dropout
1130
00:46:02,150 --> 00:46:05,110
that San Jose State has had.
1131
00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:07,370
I got a lawn mower at Costco.
1132
00:46:07,503 --> 00:46:09,073
And that's the great thing
about Costco, right?
1133
00:46:09,201 --> 00:46:11,421
If you ever just need, like,
chips and a Jacuzzi.
1134
00:46:11,551 --> 00:46:13,511
[audience laughs]
1135
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:15,820
I notice a throttle on every
lawn mower has speeds on it,
1136
00:46:15,947 --> 00:46:18,467
but they're not labeled
with words "fast" or "slow."
1137
00:46:18,601 --> 00:46:22,871
Instead, there's a picture
of a rabbit and a turtle,
1138
00:46:22,997 --> 00:46:25,427
which is crazy.
1139
00:46:25,565 --> 00:46:27,125
So that means
at every lawn mower factory,
1140
00:46:27,262 --> 00:46:28,792
they're just shipping 'em out,
1141
00:46:28,916 --> 00:46:30,476
like, "Yeah, we don't care
if anyone can read,
1142
00:46:30,613 --> 00:46:33,013
just as long as they know
all their fables."
1143
00:46:33,138 --> 00:46:34,918
[audience laughs]
1144
00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:40,705
By the way, Ace Hardware
is exclusive to lawn mowers.
1145
00:46:40,841 --> 00:46:43,411
You don't see fairytale pictures
stamped on other stuff.
1146
00:46:43,539 --> 00:46:45,759
Imagine that guy
with the leaf blower is like,
1147
00:46:45,890 --> 00:46:48,370
"I'm gonna crank this up
to Big Bad Wolf."
1148
00:46:48,501 --> 00:46:51,201
[audience laughs]
1149
00:46:53,201 --> 00:46:54,681
And for anyone
who's mowed a lawn,
1150
00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,252
who uses the turtle setting?
1151
00:46:57,379 --> 00:46:59,289
[audience laughs]
1152
00:46:59,425 --> 00:47:02,515
Who's getting up at 7:00 a.m.
on a Saturday going,
1153
00:47:02,645 --> 00:47:05,465
"You know what?
I want this to take extra long."
1154
00:47:05,605 --> 00:47:06,995
[audience laughs]
1155
00:47:07,128 --> 00:47:08,348
[laughs] Just want those blades
1156
00:47:08,477 --> 00:47:10,997
to lightly slap the grass,
you know?
1157
00:47:11,132 --> 00:47:13,052
[audience laughs]
1158
00:47:13,178 --> 00:47:15,178
It's my last story about Costco.
1159
00:47:15,310 --> 00:47:18,360
At one point they were selling
down comforters in big boxes
1160
00:47:18,487 --> 00:47:20,317
that said temperature
technology.
1161
00:47:20,446 --> 00:47:22,536
They weren't--You didn't
plug 'em in or anything.
1162
00:47:22,665 --> 00:47:24,795
They were just down comforters.
1163
00:47:24,929 --> 00:47:26,629
You guys have probably
seen this phrase, though.
1164
00:47:26,756 --> 00:47:30,496
It said that
they were warm in the winter,
1165
00:47:30,630 --> 00:47:32,330
cool in the summer.
1166
00:47:32,458 --> 00:47:35,548
No.
- [audience laughs]
1167
00:47:35,678 --> 00:47:39,158
Warm in the winter,
unbearably hot in July.
1168
00:47:39,291 --> 00:47:40,861
[audience laughs]
1169
00:47:40,988 --> 00:47:43,688
It's a blanket that can't
just change its mind.
1170
00:47:43,817 --> 00:47:46,037
[audience laughs]
1171
00:47:46,167 --> 00:47:47,647
If down could do that,
1172
00:47:47,777 --> 00:47:50,217
geese wouldn't fly
thousands of miles.
1173
00:47:50,345 --> 00:47:52,645
[audience laughs]
1174
00:47:52,782 --> 00:47:55,442
It's so weird
when they just put technology,
1175
00:47:55,568 --> 00:47:57,918
They say technology
is in things.
1176
00:47:58,049 --> 00:48:00,699
I would love to call their
customer service and be, like,
1177
00:48:00,834 --> 00:48:03,054
"Yeah, I'm still sweating
under this duvet.
1178
00:48:03,184 --> 00:48:05,494
"Could you connect me with IT?"
1179
00:48:05,621 --> 00:48:07,751
[audience laughs]
1180
00:48:07,885 --> 00:48:11,625
How about deodorant that says
that it's motion-activated?
1181
00:48:11,758 --> 00:48:13,928
[audience laughs]
1182
00:48:14,065 --> 00:48:16,805
Which is great 'cause
my last deodorant did not know
1183
00:48:16,937 --> 00:48:18,717
what was going--
I think it was analog.
1184
00:48:18,852 --> 00:48:21,722
[audience laughs]
1185
00:48:21,855 --> 00:48:26,285
Growing up, I always felt like
my parents were very busy,
1186
00:48:26,425 --> 00:48:29,555
and talking to them, other than,
like, at the dinner table,
1187
00:48:29,689 --> 00:48:32,169
was almost an intrusion.
1188
00:48:32,300 --> 00:48:35,090
Uh, so I just did things
on my own.
1189
00:48:35,216 --> 00:48:37,736
We were raised that way.
1190
00:48:37,871 --> 00:48:39,181
[INTERVIEWER]
And your parents were okay
1191
00:48:39,307 --> 00:48:41,217
with you paying for college?
1192
00:48:41,353 --> 00:48:43,493
No. Yeah. I think they thought
that it was, you know,
1193
00:48:43,616 --> 00:48:46,176
building independence
or whatever.
1194
00:48:46,314 --> 00:48:48,364
And there's that part of me
1195
00:48:48,490 --> 00:48:51,670
that I don't look to ask
for money from anyone,
1196
00:48:51,798 --> 00:48:55,238
but then there's that other part
where I'm--
1197
00:48:55,367 --> 00:49:00,197
I don't feel, like,
I can ever ask for help.
1198
00:49:00,328 --> 00:49:01,848
[INTERVIEWER] Yeah, why?
What is that all about?
1199
00:49:01,982 --> 00:49:06,072
Do you feel weak?
Do you feel vulnerable?
1200
00:49:16,649 --> 00:49:21,389
If I ask--
If I ask someone for help,
1201
00:49:21,523 --> 00:49:24,833
if I can't do something
without help,
1202
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:27,532
then I'm not doing it right.
1203
00:49:27,660 --> 00:49:29,970
And I know--
1204
00:49:32,926 --> 00:49:34,096
I know that's not...
1205
00:49:36,582 --> 00:49:38,242
how it should be.
1206
00:49:41,500 --> 00:49:44,460
But I think it comes from--
1207
00:49:44,590 --> 00:49:47,510
from how I was raised.
1208
00:49:47,636 --> 00:49:52,506
You better be able to, you know,
just do it right the first time.
1209
00:49:52,641 --> 00:49:56,651
Evolution makes sense to me
for animals and plants.
1210
00:49:56,776 --> 00:49:59,426
Just not people.
I just--I just don't see
1211
00:49:59,561 --> 00:50:01,431
how we could be connected
to chimpanzees
1212
00:50:01,563 --> 00:50:03,353
or anything before that.
Because if you believe
1213
00:50:03,478 --> 00:50:09,048
that we come from a billion
years of genetic mutation
1214
00:50:09,180 --> 00:50:11,750
to arrive at the hyper
dominant species of the planet,
1215
00:50:11,878 --> 00:50:13,488
we have zero survival skills
1216
00:50:13,619 --> 00:50:14,839
when it does go out
through the window.
1217
00:50:14,968 --> 00:50:16,838
I have no idea
how to live outside.
1218
00:50:16,970 --> 00:50:18,620
[audience laughs]
1219
00:50:18,754 --> 00:50:21,064
None of us do, inherently.
1220
00:50:21,192 --> 00:50:24,332
Just the fact that we had
to make up the word "outdoors"
1221
00:50:24,456 --> 00:50:27,366
should be a clue.
- [audience laughs]
1222
00:50:27,502 --> 00:50:30,682
There's no outdoors. There's
just what exists, right?
1223
00:50:30,810 --> 00:50:33,380
We're the ones
who invented the doors.
1224
00:50:33,508 --> 00:50:35,678
[audience laughs]
1225
00:50:35,815 --> 00:50:39,335
Sometimes we try hard to make
the indoors look like outdoors.
1226
00:50:39,471 --> 00:50:42,471
Have you ever been
to a rainforest café?
1227
00:50:42,604 --> 00:50:44,004
[audience laughs]
1228
00:50:44,128 --> 00:50:48,128
The only jungle
that needs to be dusted.
1229
00:50:48,262 --> 00:50:52,442
Think of the last time that you
had to sleep outside all night
1230
00:50:52,571 --> 00:50:55,231
when you hadn't planned
on doing it.
1231
00:50:56,836 --> 00:50:59,616
Okay. It's not a beautiful
connection with Mother Nature.
1232
00:50:59,752 --> 00:51:03,712
It's a horrible memory preceded
by an evening of poor choices.
1233
00:51:03,843 --> 00:51:05,853
[audience laughs]
1234
00:51:05,975 --> 00:51:07,975
Think of this. Imagine
your favorite wild animal.
1235
00:51:08,108 --> 00:51:09,848
Like, you take care of it
from its infancy
1236
00:51:09,979 --> 00:51:11,499
to a couple of months old
1237
00:51:11,633 --> 00:51:12,853
and let it go
into its natural habitat,
1238
00:51:12,982 --> 00:51:14,642
it'll figure things out, right?
1239
00:51:14,767 --> 00:51:16,727
Every animal's brain
is wired for shelter.
1240
00:51:16,856 --> 00:51:19,726
It knows of any dig a hole,
climb a tree. Gonna be okay.
1241
00:51:19,859 --> 00:51:21,639
But put a human
in the wild at two months...
1242
00:51:21,774 --> 00:51:24,174
Put me at my age now...
1243
00:51:25,343 --> 00:51:28,433
You just left me alone
to survive in a forest,
1244
00:51:28,563 --> 00:51:31,393
I wouldn't make it.
I would die before my phone did.
1245
00:51:31,523 --> 00:51:34,573
[audience laughs]
1246
00:51:34,700 --> 00:51:37,440
And right before that,
I'd open my compass app
1247
00:51:37,572 --> 00:51:40,712
for the first time in my life
1248
00:51:40,836 --> 00:51:42,526
and still not even know
how to use it.
1249
00:51:42,664 --> 00:51:45,454
I'd be like, "Does north
just take you to a city?"
1250
00:51:45,580 --> 00:51:47,670
[audience laughs]
1251
00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:49,800
I was driving
through Wyoming last year.
1252
00:51:49,932 --> 00:51:51,592
It's in the middle of nowhere
on a two-lane highway
1253
00:51:51,717 --> 00:51:53,407
on the way to a gig,
1254
00:51:53,545 --> 00:51:55,285
and there's construction
or something up ahead,
1255
00:51:55,416 --> 00:51:57,936
so traffic was moving so slowly
1256
00:51:58,071 --> 00:52:01,601
that a cow started walking
the same speed as my car,
1257
00:52:01,727 --> 00:52:03,417
and it terrified me.
1258
00:52:03,555 --> 00:52:05,985
[audience laughs]
1259
00:52:06,123 --> 00:52:08,863
Okay. I grew up in
San Francisco, live in LA now.
1260
00:52:08,995 --> 00:52:10,775
I've never seen a cow in 3D.
1261
00:52:10,910 --> 00:52:13,170
[audience laughs]
1262
00:52:13,304 --> 00:52:16,134
But if you aren't raised
with them, they're scary, okay?
1263
00:52:16,263 --> 00:52:19,963
Their head is way bigger than
you ever thought it would be,
1264
00:52:20,093 --> 00:52:21,443
and they have, like,
this unblinking eye.
1265
00:52:21,573 --> 00:52:23,533
So here's my point.
1266
00:52:23,662 --> 00:52:27,622
if you really think that we came
from eons of evolution,
1267
00:52:27,753 --> 00:52:29,893
there should have been some
pre-program response up here
1268
00:52:30,016 --> 00:52:31,756
for that situation to, like,
1269
00:52:31,887 --> 00:52:33,627
sharpen a stick, stab it,
kill it, eat it, okay?
1270
00:52:33,759 --> 00:52:36,329
Here's what I did
without even thinking about it.
1271
00:52:36,457 --> 00:52:38,587
I locked my doors.
1272
00:52:38,720 --> 00:52:42,770
[audience laughs]
1273
00:52:42,898 --> 00:52:45,208
When did that twitch happen
in our development?
1274
00:52:45,336 --> 00:52:50,166
That was my biological reaction
to a huge cow face.
1275
00:52:50,297 --> 00:52:52,257
And what did I think the cow
was even gonna do?
1276
00:52:52,386 --> 00:52:54,906
Like, "Oh, man.
1277
00:52:56,608 --> 00:52:58,648
Wasn't fast enough.
I was gonna get him."
1278
00:52:58,784 --> 00:53:00,614
[audience laughs]
1279
00:53:00,742 --> 00:53:01,832
Moo.
1280
00:53:03,832 --> 00:53:06,312
Going to add in some choices
for the editor there.
1281
00:53:06,444 --> 00:53:07,794
Moo.
1282
00:53:07,923 --> 00:53:10,843
[laughs] Moo.
1283
00:53:10,970 --> 00:53:12,320
[audience laughs]
1284
00:53:12,450 --> 00:53:14,060
Moo.
1285
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,841
[laughs] Don't do that last one.
1286
00:53:15,975 --> 00:53:17,845
[audience laughs]
1287
00:53:17,977 --> 00:53:19,627
I'm able to manage
those moments,
1288
00:53:19,761 --> 00:53:21,631
at least
now recognize the moments
1289
00:53:21,763 --> 00:53:25,033
where I'm not gonna ask for help
no matter how--
1290
00:53:25,158 --> 00:53:27,508
like, for example,
how destitute I might be
1291
00:53:27,639 --> 00:53:30,949
during a hypothetical
world pandemic
1292
00:53:31,077 --> 00:53:34,727
and I don't have work
for 147 days.
1293
00:53:34,863 --> 00:53:36,823
[audience laughs]
1294
00:53:36,952 --> 00:53:38,872
How did I--
I just came up with that.
1295
00:53:38,998 --> 00:53:40,828
The other thing
that doesn't really jive
1296
00:53:40,956 --> 00:53:43,176
with evolution are penguins,
1297
00:53:43,307 --> 00:53:45,827
at least the ones
that live in Antarctica.
1298
00:53:45,961 --> 00:53:48,751
I don't know how they got there,
but they seem cold.
1299
00:53:48,877 --> 00:53:50,527
[audience laughs]
1300
00:53:50,662 --> 00:53:53,622
Like, every other animal
in the South Pole
1301
00:53:53,752 --> 00:53:57,542
has at least eight inches of
blubber or fur keeping him warm.
1302
00:53:57,669 --> 00:53:59,409
Penguins walk like
they're wearing wet pants.
1303
00:53:59,540 --> 00:54:01,060
[audience laughs]
1304
00:54:01,194 --> 00:54:04,204
They huddle together for warmth.
This is true.
1305
00:54:04,328 --> 00:54:06,028
Every year
there's a group of penguins
1306
00:54:06,155 --> 00:54:08,935
that walks 80 miles round-trip
for food,
1307
00:54:09,071 --> 00:54:10,861
if you believe Morgan Freeman.
1308
00:54:10,986 --> 00:54:14,206
But here's the thing. I do.
And if these poor things
1309
00:54:14,338 --> 00:54:17,648
have been walking 80 miles
every year
1310
00:54:17,776 --> 00:54:20,736
for the past million years,
why don't they have knees yet?
1311
00:54:20,866 --> 00:54:23,956
[audience laughs]
1312
00:54:24,086 --> 00:54:26,566
That's how evolution
is supposed to work, right?
1313
00:54:26,698 --> 00:54:28,608
For some reason
their wings didn't work out.
1314
00:54:28,743 --> 00:54:30,623
Couldn't they at least
get some bendy legs?
1315
00:54:30,745 --> 00:54:32,825
[audience laughs]
1316
00:54:32,965 --> 00:54:34,575
Have you ever seen 'em do
that thing
1317
00:54:34,706 --> 00:54:36,926
where they slide
on their bellies into the ocean?
1318
00:54:37,056 --> 00:54:38,876
They never mean to do that.
1319
00:54:40,102 --> 00:54:42,632
They just trip and they're,
like, "Well, I can't get up."
1320
00:54:42,757 --> 00:54:45,587
[audience laughs]
1321
00:54:45,717 --> 00:54:47,847
Guess I'll learn how to swim
underwater. I'm a bird.
1322
00:54:47,980 --> 00:54:49,900
[audience laughs]
1323
00:54:50,025 --> 00:54:52,935
Hey, you guys. That's it for me.
Thank you so much.
1324
00:54:53,072 --> 00:54:56,032
[cheers and applause]
1325
00:54:56,162 --> 00:55:00,302
♪
1326
00:55:02,647 --> 00:55:04,297
I hate the term "clean comedy."
1327
00:55:04,431 --> 00:55:06,911
Like, nobody says that
about any other art form.
1328
00:55:07,042 --> 00:55:08,742
Nobody's ever like...[laughs]
1329
00:55:08,870 --> 00:55:11,350
Twenty One Pilots
is my favorite clean band.
1330
00:55:11,482 --> 00:55:13,702
I just choose different ideas
than other people do,
1331
00:55:13,832 --> 00:55:17,232
and I hope they're interesting
and have, like, punch lines
1332
00:55:17,357 --> 00:55:19,617
or a point of view that nobody
has ever heard before,
1333
00:55:19,751 --> 00:55:22,841
but it's never
in my forethought to be, like,
1334
00:55:22,971 --> 00:55:26,241
"I'm gonna write the world's
best G-rated joke," you know?
1335
00:55:26,366 --> 00:55:28,056
"My daughter would love this."
Yeah.
1336
00:55:28,194 --> 00:55:30,334
♪
104004
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