Original subtitles

♪

All right.

My manager told me that I need to do more Instagramming.

- There you go. - Otherwise, she'll drop me.

So I have to take pictures now all the time.

♪

I don't know how many times I've done this

but then I always think, how do I sit?

I never even thought about stand-up.

I never watched stand-up.

I never--I never went to a live stand-up show

nor watched a stand-up comedy special

before I did stand-up. It's insane.

♪

Stand-up setting in its simplicity

is designed in a way

where these people come to listen to a person talk.

When I'm on stage and I have that microphone,

it's that complete certainty

that it's okay for me to be talking.

I never feel that certainty anywhere else.

♪

My high school friends found out that there was an open mic

the night before the show when I started scrambling,

I was like, "I have to write some shit."

Like, there's no way I can go there and just do it.

I wrote six pages straight.

I mean, everything on my life, all the experiences

I just put it on paper, and that's basically how

I started getting in stand-up and I was just addicted

and in love with it ever since.

♪

[audience laughs]

All right. You guys have been a lot of fun,

you're gonna enjoy the rest of the show.

[cheers and applause]

My only regret...

is that I didn't drink enough.

MAN: Are you ready?

- Hey. - Put your hands together

for Kabir Singh.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Los Angeles. Go and make some noise.

That's what I'm talking about.

I like it.

Wow. This is great.

Look at this. Look at this.

[cheers and applause]

A lot of white people here. This is nice. How's it going?

Are you guys doing good?

Yeah. I feel like I'm on a cruise right now.

This is great.

Where are we going?

This is great. It's so nice to be here, man,

doing this awfulness, right?

We got the coronavirus going around

which I'm not worried about, by the way.

I'm not worried about it.

Uh, the coronavirus should be worried about me.

My body is toxic.

- [audience laughs] - I'm not kidding, man.

I drink a bottle of whiskey a day, smoke a pack of cigarettes,

and all I do is eat McDonald's and Burger King.

So, I'm the Delhi man.

If the coronavirus ever came into my body,

the first things it's gonna say is

"Get me the fuck out here. You know?

This guy's crazy.

He's drinking Jim Beam with cereal. I want out."

I'll drag it back into my body too, like, "Where are you going?

It's not--You don't want to miss cocaine Sunday.

Where are you going?"

[audience laughs]

"We're both gonna die, homie."

Indians are very happy that

it didn't come from India, by the way,

I don't know if you know this.

All my neighbors are Indian, dude,

and they just keep talking shit about it,

like, I'm just like, "Hey, Raj, how's it going?"

"It wasn't us." I'm like, "Why are you--

What do you mean it wasn't us?" "We didn't do it."

I'm like, "Nobody did it, dick."

"But it wasn't us, was it?"

"You're right, I guess.

Don't be a dick about it."

Goddamn quarantine, man.

All I've been doing is watching documentaries on serial killers.

That's my shit.

You guys watch documentaries of the serial killers?

My God. My God.

White people, you guys have won that battle.

[audience laughs]

I mean, you've won. Let it go.

Every episode, stop it.

There's no other ethnicity even trying to do that.

Why are you doing it?

My white friend is, like, pissed off.

Every time we watch a documentary on serial killers,

he's like, "This is bullshit.

Not all white people are serial killers."

I'm like, "Well, you know,

all serial killers are white, idiot.

Are you watching this shit?

You've won."

And it's not white people's fault,

just white people are the only people in the world

that can be serial killers.

I'm not lying.

This is the only ethnicity in the world that can do it.

There's no other ethnicity in the world that could get away

with eight unsolved murders in a row.

Nobody can do it.

You don't think we want to do it?

We want do it. We can.

You don't think Black people want to be serial killers?

Of course they do. They can.

Could you imagine a Black serial killer?

He would get pulled over on the way to getting supplies.

He hasn't even done anything yet.

He'll just be driving,

"What seems to be the problem, Officer?"

"You're taillight's out." "No, it's not." "Officer down."

[audience laughs]

Indians, Asians, Hispanics, we can't be serial killers.

Our family is way too nosy.

My mom's a snitch. My mom will show up

"Where is the rope? What happened to the duct tape?

Where is the bleach?" I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm checking the trunk."

I'm like "You can't go in there. There's people in there, Mother.

Why are you doing this to me?"

My mom's insane, dude.

Like, anytime that I mess up in my life,

my mom will, like--will, like, literally do something.

Like, she'll basically punish me in ways that I don't see coming.

Like, last year, I pissed her off,

and she made me take my cousin trick-or-treating for Halloween,

which I don't give a shit about.

It's like "I love Halloween. Let's go."

I go pick up my cousin, 13-year-old Indian cousin.

You know what he's dressed like?

A slurpy.

[audience laughs]

A goddamn slurpy.

I picked this idiot up.

as a 13-year-old Indian slurpy walking.

I'm like, "Why are you dressed as a slurpy?

You're Indian. people are making fun of us about this.

Why would you decide to dress yourself up like a Slurpee?"

But I couldn't say that shit

'cause I was dressed like Aladdin.

[audience laughs]

I was like, "Just hop on the carpet.

It's gonna be a long ride.

I hate you."

Grace.

I was born in Portland, Oregon.

I was there till about 7 or 8,

and then we moved directly to India.

I was getting my ass beat two to three times a day.

I mean, people would just come up and hit me.

Anybody that thinks that they get bullied in America, wrong.

Let me tell you what bullying is.

You guys are pussies.

When they moved me to India,

they put me in this terrible school.

My dad wanted me to get this-- He's a--He's one of those guys

that wants you to get that experience, you know.

It was like--It's like, "Why?"

There's no need for this. He would just look at me.

He's like "No, you're learning from this."

It's like, "I can't hear in my right ear, Father.

It's gonna be tough to learn if I'm deaf

by the end of the school year, dude."

They're beating the shit out of me and nobody's helping.

My mom's a good person. My mom text messages me, too.

Does anyone's mom text message you?

It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me

in my life, right?

My mom text messages me the most useless text messages

in the history of text messages.

I got one from her the other day.

I swear to God this is what it said verbatim.

I whip it out it says, "Oh, my God.

The remote is not working."

[audience laughs]

It goes on. Same text. "I think it is broken,

but, oh, wait, never mind,

I fixed it. Don't you worry, buddy.

Don't you worry." I'm like, "Why?"

I'd come like, "Mom, why would you text me this shit?

Why does your text messages have Indian accents?

I don't understand. - [audience laughs]

Who are you trying to ruin right now? You're terrible.

A terrible young lady."

I got two sisters--doctor, lawyer-and I'm a comedian.

So you can imagine how fun thanksgiving is for me.

[audience laughs]

I got a cousin that's an astronaut, too, which is crazy.

Did you hear about the Tesla shooting a rocket up recently?

Did you see that shit? Oh, my God.

My cousin is an astronaut. He's a total dick about it.

Like, every time he watches any brown person on TV,

he'll call me up and be like, "Why - this shit, bro?

What are you doing?"

Right when that rocket launched, I called him up,

I was like, "Why aren't you on the rocket, bro?

What happened?" - [audience laughs]

"Looks like we have the same agent, bitch."

I got the new iPhone with Siri on it.

Do you guys have Siri? Anybody have Siri?

- [WOMAN] Yeah. - Siri is racist.

Siri only understands white people,

Have you noticed that shit?

Right? Siri. Every commercial is white people showing off.

Beep, beep. "Siri, could you tell Michael and Jason

that me and Ben are on the way, please?"

Beep, beep, message sent. No problem there.

And I use it with my Indian cousin's names, right?

I use them like, beep, beep, "Siri, could you tell Rajinder,

Pattinder and Satinder...

that me and Priya are on the way, please?"

Beep, beep. "We've located five 7-Elevens in your area."

I'm like, "Why are you doing this?

"We made you, bitch. We made you."

[audience laughs]

Paying bills is terrible, right? It's too many passwords.

Right? I got the Verizon bill last week.

I had to crack the DaVinci Code to pay this shit. It took long.

I get the bill. I call them up, like, "What's up, Verizon?

It's me, Kabir Singh. Let's do this shit."

They're like, "What's your account number?"

I'm like, "4789432."

"Where do you live?" "2000 Water Avenue."

"What's your date of birth?" "12/30/84, bitch. Now what?"

And it's like, "What's your bill pay password?"

I was like, "You bastards."

I'm like, "I don't know what that is.

"Let me just pay this shit,

so we could move on with our lives."

She's like "Okay. Then give me your bill pay password."

"I have a good news for you.

In case you forgot, you set up a password hint."

I was like, "Of course I did.

I'm always one step ahead of the game.

"What's my hint, bitch?" - [audience laughs]

Yeah. She's like, "Your hint is turtles."

I'm like, "I don't know any turtles.

I've never seen--I've never seen a turtle in my life.

Let me just pay this shit so I can move on with my life."

She's like, "I can't. I need your bill pay password.

I need to make sure it's you."

I'm like, "Who's out there paying other people's bills?"

Right? "It's me, turtle.

I'm turtle. Can I be turtle, please?

Let me just pay this shit."

She's like, "I can't. I need your bill pay password.

I need it."

It's terrible. You know what the password turned out to be?

It turned out to be "rocket."

Because turtles are slow and rockets are fast.

[audience laughs]

Thank you, Jack Daniels and marijuana, for that combination.

Like, how wasted?

I don't even like it.

I'm not a fan.

I was bustling balls in India, dude.

You know, I would make fun of this guy over here,

and if somebody did something stupid,

I would roast them for, like, two minutes,

and it was new to everybody,

or these guys didn't really do that a lot.

I remember that all the kids that were kind of beating me up,

we became friends. and I'm telling you

when we moved to India-- At the end of the day,

when we moved back to America, those three kids

were, like, crying when I was leaving.

There were, like, giving me hugs and just saying bye.

And then I realized that, you know,

if you keep people laughing and happy,

nobody will punch you in the face on way to math class.

Uh, but-- - [man laughs]

I've been in a lot of relationships.

I have girlfriend now which is just awful.

Anybody in relationships? Going out, isn't it the worst?

I have a girlfriend. We've been going out for five years.

We hate each other.

She'll say the meanest shit to me,

but I can't break up with her

'cause I'm not going back to the gym.

[audience laughs]

Like, I'm not gonna go. They're running in there.

She's great.

We both decided to have a hall pass, though.

Have you guys--I don't know if you guys know what a hall pass.

So we're both allowed to pick one person

that we're allowed to hook up with

if we ever get the opportunity to meet.

All right? One person.

So my girlfriend picked the guy from "Aquaman."

[WOMAN] Jason Momoa.

Calm down, ho. I don't even--

[audience laughs]

I don't like...

[laughter continues]

Is this your girl right here?

Jason Samosa. I don't like him.

I looked him up. Very good-looking.

I was very upset. He looks nothing like me.

I was like, "That guy's a piece of shit."

And my girl was like, "All right. Whatever.

Who's your hall pass?"

I was like, "My hall pass

is Elizabeth from Applebee's.

They love that.

I'm not wasting my hall pass.

"She's right over there."

[audience laughs]

"I know her schedule like the back of my hand.

You're so stupid.

You're, like, deep-sea diving for this dude.

I don't--You can't even swim."

[audience laughs]

I'm all good.

She's great.

My girlfriend and I, we both went on vacation together.

We got in this huge fight in the hotel room.

She went - with three flip out ladies.

You know what that is.

Yelling, crying, throwing shit.

In the hotel room, she starts panicking.

She's just threatening me.

She's like, "I'm gonna jump out the window."

She's like, "I'm gonna jump out the window

'cause the way you make me feel."

I was like, "Holy shit." I panicked.

I run downstairs and wake up the manager.

I'm like, "Hey, man. Wake up.

"Me and girlfriend just gone this huge fight."

He's like, "That's not my problem."

I was like, "Look, man. I don't think you get it.

"She's trying to jump out the window. She's going crazy.

I need your help." He's like, "That's not my problem."

I was like, "It is your problem.

"The window is stuck."

[audience laughs]

"You gotta go up there and fix that shit."

"I mean, don't put this on me.

I'm a good person."

[audience laughs]

This is nice. I like this.

Um, yeah. I do--I do enjoy doing stand-up comedy.

It's the best thing. I know-- Like, the COVID has been--

I don't know if you guys have been--

Anybody paying a rent over here? Is it tough to pay rent?

- [MAN] Yeah. - Some of you guys. Yeah.

It's weird because, like, I watched this "Dateline" special,

and this dude was talking about how landlords

are now taking advantage

of women. - [WOMAN] Uh-huh.

- Yeah. Right? Oh, yes. Exactly. They're, like, "You know,

if you don't wanna pay rent, we could work something out,"

like a douchebag.

I mean, it-it-it just sounds terrible.

And I can't imagine how women must feel

knowing that, you know, you guys have probably

could have not paid rent for years.

[audience laughs]

I mean, that's got to be a hard hit to the soul.

Right when I heard about that,

I went up right to my landlord's. I was like,

I was like, "I'll blow you, dude. Let's go."

I can't blow? That's sexist.

We moved back to America, and my parents, socially,

they just didn't get what was going on.

I remember this great story. My dad, he's-he's a great guy.

He's just a simple, fun dude.

And I told my dad--I was like, "We're gonna throw a barbecue

at my--you know, over here. I'm gonna invite some friends

on, like, Saturday night" or something like that.

It turns out to be, like a--like a rager.

And my dad is clueless. He is out there--I mean,

there are people going absolutely apeshit

in this house, and my dad's over on his porch,

like, making hot dogs, right?

Finally, the cops show up, right?

I mean, I'm sitting there. I'm-I'm shocked.

I'm like, "Dude, this guy is not gonna break this shit up?"

I was out of control at this point. He looked at my dad.

He's like, "What the fuck are you doing, bro?"

There are people out there going nuts. "What are you doing?"

He's all like, "What, they're not eating the hotdogs."

I'm like, "Dad, you're gonna get us in so much--"

Dude, this conflict with my dad, like, he was, like--

He didn't even fight us, you know.

So he didn't quite understand the culture of what was going on

in that time period in high school,

but it was fun to take advantage of him once in a while.

You know, I was like, "Yeah. My dad's cool."

I love it. Traveling is terrible I was a stand-up comedian.

I just got back from the UK. Has anybody been to UK at all?

- [MAN] Yeah. - [MAN #1] Yeah.

UK over here, right?

They hate us over there. They hate Americans.

They think we're lazy and stupid.

And I wanna say some shit back to 'em,

but I couldn't 'cause I was very fatigued.

[audience laughs]

And I-- And I didn't have the facts.

After my show in London,

I was like, "Hey, man. "Why don't you like Americans?"

He's like, "We don't like America

'cause you go to other countries, take them over

"and screw shit up." I was like, "Really, bro?

You're British."

[audience laughs]

"And I'm Indian.

Did you really just say that shit to me, really?"

He's like, "Joke's on you, bro. I'm from Germany."

I'm like, "Well, then you really need to shut the fuck up.

Like, why are you even talking about it?

How dare you."

Right?

Do they even have history books in Germany?

What could they possibly say?

"Chapter 1: we fucked up. The end."

I was like, "I wanna read more."

I did shows in India, which is great.

They don't use toilet paper in India.

I don't know if you know that.

We use water and our hands,

because we believe that's more hygienic

and better for the environment, which is fine with me.

But the problem is they told me this eight days in the trip,

after I high-fived half of New Delhi. I was like,

"When were you gonna tell me this shit?

This is not off the play knowledge."

And my cousins were pumped to see me.

They wanted to impress me. The first place they took me to

was an amusement park. That sounds like fun, right?

Roller coasters in a Third World country.

I'm in Bangalore. They put me on this wooden roller coaster.

I'm going up this shit, like, "I'm gonna die.

There's no way I'm gonna survive this."

My cousin looks at me. "Don't worry, buddy.

These roller coasters are just like the ones

you have in America. Don't you worry, buddy.

Don't you worry." I was like, "Okay. Cool."

I look down. I see two Indians pulling a rope.

[audience laughs]

One of them gave me the thumbs-up.

I'm like, "Put your hand back in the rope, bro.

There's people up here, you dick."

It's not nice. My parents want me

to get an arranged marriage. That's what they want.

My girlfriend right now is half Hispanic and half Italian.

So you could imagine, I have to sleep with one eye open.

[audience laughs]

I will get stabbed at any point.

And her best friend is gay, or he claims he's gay.

I know he's not gay. He's a goddamn liar.

I know he's not gay

'cause he sent a dick pic to my girlfriend,

and he claimed it was an accident which is bullshit.

You do not accidentally send a dick pic.

There are too many steps. - [audience laughs]

Right, guys? There's way too many steps, right?

You got to--You got to, like, charge your phone,

grab your phone, turn your phone on,

put your pants down, look at your dick,

pull your pants back up, go on the Internet,

find a bigger dick. - [audience laughs]

Look at this.

He's a liar.

There's some Indians here. Are you Indian over here?

That's great. What's your name, buddy?

- Melvin. - Melvin?

That's not very Indian of you, is it?

This guy picked the widest name ever.

Melvin, what do you do for a living?

- Unemployed right now. - Unemployed right now?

Melvin, that's--that's two strikes towards Indians.

There's no Indian named Melvin and also unemployed, ever.

I like that, though. Indians get made fun

for a lot of stuff, but some stuff is true.

Like, Indians will bargain. We don't give a shit.

Indians will bargain anytime, anywhere.

We'll bargain while we're getting robbed.

I've seen it. I've seen it. "Hey, put your hands up."

"Okay, buddy. Hear me out."

[audience laughs]

"How about I put one hand up, okay? Everybody calm down."

"How about you give me all your shit?"

"How about I give you half my shit

and you give me your watch?

It's a very good deal. You're not calm."

He say, "How about I shoot you in the face?"

"How about you just stab me and we call it a day, okay?"

[audience laughs]

What a deal.

It's good. You guys look good. I like this.

Yeah, man. It is--It is very interesting traveling.

The worst thing about doing stand-up comedy on the road

is I have to do radio really early in the mornings

which kind of sucks.

Like a-a year ago, I would have had to do

a radio show in Denver. It was suck.

I had to do, like, radio in Denver

on, like, a Saturday night

after two shows on a Friday, which is terrible.

And I go to a radio station. I go up to him. I was like,

"Hey, man. Please don't ask me anything complicated.

I've been up for four minutes,

and I'm not ready for any of this shit."

And the deejay said, "Don't worry about it, man.

I'm gonna put you on air. We'll plug your show.

We get you in and out." I'm like, "Thank you."

This traitor. Right-- Right when I got on air,

the first question he asked me was like, "Hey, man.

We're talking about men's fantasies today."

He's like, "If you were gonna stuck in an elevator

"with anybody in the world,

who would you wanna be stuck with?"

I was like, "The elevator mechanic."

[audience laughs]

"Who else would I wanna be stuck with

on a goddamn elevator?

You're terrible."

[audience laughs]

Yeah, dude. My parents are great, dude.

My dad is kind of crazy, though.

I remember, like, when I was, like--I was in Canada,

and I watched a special on "Dateline,"

and they-- This is a whole special

about this kid that got left at Costco.

[chuckles] I swear to God. He got left in Costco for two hours

and then he sued his parents on neglect.

I'm like, "Really, bro?" Like, "Dude, neglect?"

I immediately thought of myself.

I was like, I remember when I was, like-like, 13,

my dad and I-- he took me to Sizzlers.

We're in Sizzlers,

and he literally left his wallet at home,

and he left me there as collateral.

- [audience laughs] - Swear to God.

He just left me there. He had no bills.

Like, "I'm so sorry. I left the wallet at home.

I'll be right back. Take my kid.

Don't touch his dick. I'll be right back.

I'll be right back."

I'm like, "Where are you going?"

It's the worst shit I've ever...

I think I was about five months into comedy.

My mom, my dad, and I were living in a place in Fremont,

and the whole house burned down. We lost everything.

I mean, it was a huge hit to my mom and dad.

We move into the apartment. We move into a small apartment

to get our shit back together.

We're there for six months, right?

And my poor mom, you know, just struggling with it.

Dad passes away six months later.

He got really sick.

We took him in the ho-- I think he actually fell

and, uh, had what I would say would be a mini stroke,

but not sure. Took him to the hospital.

It was weird 'cause, like, one day he was fine,

and then they just told him to say your goodbyes.

It was crazy. It sucked.

That was the worst day of my life.

But my dad is, like, an absolute nut, dude.

Like, my dad was a basketball coach of my high school

which is the worst shit that I have, like, you know--

It was a terrible team.

We won three games.

And my dad didn't understand

that Indians shouldn't be playing basketball

against Black people.

And he would yell at me after every play

like I had anything to do with it.

Like, he'll just call time-out.

"Why are you letting him do that to you?

Why does Jerome has 42 points?

Why are you letting Jerome do this to us?"

Yeah. He'd be like, "What happened on the last play?

What were you doing on that last play?"

I'm like, "The last play, Dad, by the time I realized

Jerome had the ball in his hand,

his dick was already halfway up my face.

I don't know what to do."

I swear to God. I turned around, and his dick, balls...

Balls, dick. Foul on me.

Where's the double-team, Father?"

I did a lot of material with my dad.

The jokes are a very easy way to keep somebody, uh, alive.

I mean, I do a shitload. My mom was just like,

"Why are you writing new material about your dad?

He's been gone for, like, 10 years."

I'm like, "I'm telling you it's funny. Don't worry about it."

So that's a really good crutch to have.

And, um, you know, I still believe he's up there watching.

I mean, he was my biggest fan, dude.

I--my only regret is I really wished he stuck around

for a couple more years to see me get on Comedy Central,

"The Family Guy" stuff, win these big competitions.

He would have gone-- He would have gone--

He was going nuts with me bombing on goddamn pizza places.

I can't imagine him watching me.

You know, "This guy is, like--he did pretty good."

I'm like, "Dad, we got to go." [laughs] "We tanked today.

This crowd does not like us."

Um, But, yeah, no. That was probably my number one, uh--

That's--that sucks.

I wish he was still around to watch a little bit of that.

+But, you know, I still got my mom.

She still comes to the big ones, and she's great.

She's really, really great.

That's who my dad was. And my mom was the boss

in my family.

That's true. My mom was the boss.

My dad was useless.

I didn't realize how useless my dad was

until I was 8 years old when I asked him

for some permission that he apparently

had no authority of giving me. Right?

I'm 8 years old, dude. I go to my dad.

I'm like, "Hey, Dad, can I go play in the sprinkles?"

He was like, "You want to go play in the sprinkles, buddy?

You go ahead.

"You have a good time. Don't you worry, buddy.

Don't you worry."

[audience laughs]

I was like, "I wasn't worried

until you said that shit three times.

But now I'm extremely worried, Father.

Thank you."

Five minutes later, I'm in the sprinklers

having the time of my life and then guess who shows up?

Out of nowhere my mom, like a falcon,

she just lands on the sidewalk pissed.

I never heard her curse before in my life.

She just shows up and she's like, "Hey,

what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

I was like, "I'm playing in the sprinklers."

She's like, "Who told you?

Point him out. Who told you?

I would like to meet the person that told you.

I just want to say hello to the person

that said it was okay to play in the sprinklers.

"Can I meet him?" I'm like, "Mom,

Dad told me I could play in the sprinklers."

She's like, "Oh.

You asked your father for permission.

You might as well have asked a banana."

[audience laughs]

A banana, bro.

And then my dad tells me-- He's scared of my mom, right?

She's like, "Did you tell him he could play

in the sprinklers?"

He's like, "I don't even know this guy."

[audience laughs]

"I've never seen him." I'm like, "You piece of shit.

You know me, bro."

He's a dick.

Great guy, though.

You guys are great. I like this. This is good.

Yeah. The cool thing about, though,

like, at the end of the day--

Like, playing basketball in high school was awesome

because I got to hang out with Black people.

All the cool shit that we see in society

come from Black people, right?

Like, "Shit just got real."

Do you remember "shit just got real"?

Nobody? It's Burbank. I get it.

I--There's one table that gets it.

He's like, "I heard that shit."

Have you heard "shit just got real"?

It's cool, man.

All the cool kids.

I mean, the first time I heard it I was playing basketball.

All of a sudden this Black dude just comes up

and he dunks on me.

Monster dunk.

Ball hits the ground, hits my face.

I'm bleeding from my mouth, nose, and eyes.

And he walks right over. He was like,

"Yeah, motherfucker. Shit just got real."

And I was on the ground, like, "Oh, my God. That's awesome.

What did he say? Can someone write that?

Could somebody write that down? 'Shit just got real.'

"I wanna say that. I wanna be cool. I wanna be involved."

So next I go to Burger King, and I'm like, "This is my time.

Time for me to step my game up."

I was very excited. I walk in.

I was like, "Hey, man, can I get a Whopper, please?"

He's like, "You want cheese with that?"

I was like, "Here's your opportunity."

I was like, "No, man. Fuck cheese.

Shit just got real."

[cheers and applause]

Yeah. Yeah.

He's like, "No, it hasn't."

He said, "You could've just asked for no cheese

instead of yelling and spitting all over our faces."

"I'm sorry."

Here's where I got my ass kicked.

I said that to my mom, the Sprinkler-Nazi.

After a rough night of drinking, she's waking me up,

and she's like, "Hello, beta. Wake up.

Tell me what you want for breakfast.

"Tell me what you want, and I'll make it.

Don't you worry, buddy. Don't you worry.

Tell me what you want.

Tell me what you want. Eggs, toast, bacon."

I was like, "Give me all three, bitch.

Shit just got real."

[audience laughs]

Yeah. She's like, "What did you say to me?

No, no, no. What did you say to me?

Get out of my house.

Leave the car keys on the table.

I bought you that car. Now get out of my house.

Now you living on the street. You're homeless.

You got nowhere to go.

Oh!

Shit just got real, huh?"

[cheers and applause]

I just want to thank you guys all for coming out

and supporting live comedy.

I love you guys, man. My name is Kabir Singh.

It was an honor and privilege to quar with you guys.

[MAN] Keep it going for Kabir Singh.

[cheers and applause]

So right when my dad passed away,

I think that's when I started taking the business

of stand-up really seriously.

If you're gonna do this, you gotta buckle down

'cause it's gonna be really downhill

if we're not gonna make money.

Start working really hard. Hitting the clubs.

I got my first TV credit about year four.

Gabriel Iglesias saw me, put me on Comedy Central,

"Stand-Up Revolution."

Won the SF International Comedy competition.

Starting doing some work with "Family Guy."

Those three things immediately in the first four years

probably saved us financially.

[audience laughs]

[MAN] Are you guys ready for another comic?

-[MAN IN AUDIENCE] Yeah. - [MAN] Good.

Whether I was pre-wired as in introvert,

it's a pretty consistent thing.

Uh, I think that's one of-- one of the reasons

why stand-up is-- This has been so appealing to me

because in social situations, especially with strangers,

even this, like I'm not--I'm not comfortable yet, you know.

Like, I'll get to a place.

But it's almost like I--

I never feel like I have permission to talk.

All of us have various levels of being introverted.

But I'm probably the most-- the most.

I was gonna say severe, but I don't wanna--

It's not like a disease.

[interviewer laughs] Yeah.

It's just the other type of person.

[MAN] Welcome to the stage, Kellen Erskine.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, how are you doing?

It is good to be here.

Great to be part of this social experiment.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] I'm gonna talk about the pandemic

for about 25 seconds, and then I won't

for the rest of my set 'cause I rather just forget

this year all together.

I think the feeling is mutual everyone.

I think even in the history books,

they're just gonna skip over it,

like how some hotel just don't have a 13th floor.

I just want to say that if you're the type of person

who will not wear a mask

because you're not at all afraid

of catching COVID or spreading it

but you still would never move to California

because of earthquakes...

you shouldn't be allowed to vote, okay?

Because your-- - [audience laughs]

your brain doesn't make sense. I travel all over the country.

I've asked audiences in every major city

if there's a reason why they wouldn't never live

in California, what would it be?

Earthquakes is the number-one answer everywhere I go,

which is crazy.

Only two people have died in an earthquake

in the last 18 years in this entire country.

But the earthquake's answer I mostly get from states

that have tornado season.

[audience laughs]

I heard the entire eastern seaboard has hurricane season.

Just come over to California. It's safe. It's warm.

People say that California lacks seasons.

But we have all of them. It's a big state.

You can go skiing in Tahoe.

We just don't have the seasons

that will throw your car into a billboard.

[audience laughs]

And we pay taxes without privilege.

But the point is if safety is your priority,

you live in Oklahoma, especially you're in a trailer,

drag that thing to San Diego.

The trailer is the safest place you could possibly be

in an earthquake. You kidding me?

Worst-case scenario your house falls over.

You just hop out and pop it right back up again.

[audience laughs]

It's fine. And nobody-- If you grow up in California,

nobody walks around in fear of an earthquake.

We don't even think about-- Like, if I miss a text

early in the morning that says, "Did you feel that?"

I'm disappointed that I didn't feel that.

[cheers and applause]

And I have to make up a text

just so I can, like, fit in, like,

"Oh, totally. I thought it was a train at first."

I don't make a good first impression.

I stop going to my bank because I went in one time

and they were like, "We heard you were a comedian."

And I was like, "Yeah." And they said, verbatim,

"Well, we were wondering like what kind of comedian you were

'cause you're never funny when you come in here."

[laughing] Yeah, I wish--I wish that I had the--

I hate that mentality, too.

That, like, the person that they think

is a comedian doesn't exist.

Because if that person did exist,

you'd think he was a psychopath.

If I, like, kicked in the door and I was like,

"What's the deal with these over-limit fees, huh?

And, like, seltzer flower."

There's no way they would be like,

"This guy must be a comic, right?"

They would call the police.

They would hit that button under the desk

because that person isn't real.

[audience laughs]

- [crickets chirping] - It's-It's a little unnerving

to hear actual crickets doing the show.

[audience laughs]

It's the first show I've ever done...

where it wasn't hyperbole.

[audience laughs]

[laughing]

I haven't performed in months,

and immediately the universe is like, "You're bombing."

[audience laughs]

So what are you guys afraid of? Let's get into this.

[MAN] Mountain lions.

Mountain lions?

I feel like that's something that could happen

to any of us right now, right? Like, we're--

we're in--Did you see one? Is that why you're saying that?

[audience laughs]

- What else? - [WOMAN] Homelessness.

Homelessness? Wow. That's dark.

Okay. I didn't--[laughing]

[audience laughs]

I didn't mean like the impending,

like in a couple decades.

Very possible the way the stocks are going--

- I've never heard that answer. - [MAN] Spiders!

There we go. Spiders.

I got yelled at like it's happening right now.

[audience laughs]

Spiders.

We'll get to that in a minute. That, uh--That's mine.

- [MAN] Blood? - Blood? What was that?

Blood?

[laughing] All the reaction here were like,

"Does this help?" Oh.

What, you're afraid-- Like, the sight of--

the sight of blood?

Yeah, he's like, "Don't even say--"

You brought it up.

[audience laughs]

- [MAN] Sharks. - Sharks?

You're afraid of sharks?

Yeah, I think-- I think that one's avoidable.

[audience laughs]

Like, are you really, like, really scare--

Like, you wake up in the middle of the night,

like, "Honey, did you drain the bathtub?"

[audience laughs]

What else? - [WOMAN] Guns.

- [WOMAN] Needles. - Needles?

You're the homeless one, right? Like, well, that's--

[audience laughs]

Needles can lead to homelessness, so...

[audience laughs]

[WOMAN] Bears.

Bears. Oh, I like that one.

Have you had, like, a traumatic experience with a bear?

[WOMAN] I like to watch bear wrestling.

[audience laughs]

Hold on. You like to watch bare wrestling?

We're not talking about animals anymore, are we?

[audience laughs]

[WOMAN #2]: Bare wrestling.

[audience laughs]

Did you hear over here?

She explained to her friend, "Bare wrestling."

[audience laughs]

I think maybe--maybe you should be afraid of homelessness.

[audience laughs]

I'm afraid of spiders, and it's bad.

Like, I don't know how my body's gonna react, what I'm gonna do.

I was, um--I was driving down the 405 here in Los Angeles.

It was one of the widest freeways in America.

At one point it's 18 lanes, nine on each side.

I'm in the fast lane, and the spider, a hairy one--

that matters-- - [audience laughs]

came out from behind the sun visor

and skittered back out of sight.

So I went across all the lanes.

Didn't change lanes. I drove sideways.

You--Like, have you ever played Frogger?

Are you to that point where you just hold the button

and hope it all works out.

That's what I did, and I was fine.

I mean, I don't know what happened behind me.

But I made it to the shoulder, hopped out,

slammed the visor down.

Spider wasn't there, so I called Triple A.

[audience laughs]

It's a service they provide. They don't know it.

You just have to do it, right?

When the guy got there, he goes like,

"So, what's the problem again?"

And I was like, "There's smoke coming from the dash,

so if you could just check all the crevasses."

[audience laughs]

By the way, the next time you see, like,

an abandoned car dangerously parked on the side of the road,

don't judge that person.

[audience laughs]

You don't know. There could have been, uh,

you know, needles in the glove compartment.

[audience laughs]

My parents were very strict in every way.

[laughing] Like, I rarely, you know,

got to go to friend's houses to-to play.

Bedtime was 8:00 until I was, you know, 15.

Got three siblings.

We were all homeschooled.

I--Mom was not happy with the public school system,

and so she made sure that we grew up

without any social skills.

[interviewer laughs]

It's all I knew, so to me,

it--that was, you know, the world.

Like, I still have conversations with--with adults.

And adults refer to memories.

They qualify them with "in the third grade,

in the fourth grade."

And I still--to me, it's all ages.

I don't know what those mean.

At one point, I memorized that at fifth--

You're 10 years old when you're in fifth grade,

so I worked like up or down based on that one.

But I have to take a minute to do the math

when I'm talking to somebody.

How many of you bought a lottery tickets last year

when that Powerball went to over a billion dollars?

Anyone else? Yeah. I did. - [clapping]

Never bought a lottery ticket of my life.

Never even gambled before

other than throwing away every jury summons.

[audience laughs]

You can do that. It's a rush.

[audience laughs]

I bought a lottery ticket, and it wasn't just me.

It was on the news. There were thousands

of first-time lottery ticket buyers.

People lined up around buildings for hours,

which is crazy in retrospect because that means that even

when that jackpot had gotten up to 900 million,

most of us were still like, "No, not yet."

[audience laughs]

"What's left after taxes?"

The crazier part are the odds.

It's one in 300 million. Those are your chances.

We can't even wrap our minds around how impossibly big--

300 million people live in this country.

Okay? If they changed how they chose the winner

but kept the same odds, no one would ever buy a ticket.

If they were like, "Hey, we've hidden a billion dollars

in a random kitchen somewhere

within the United States of America.

Now, you give us $2.00,

you get one shot to guess the address."

[audience laughs]

Like, none of us would even know that stupid thought,

"Well, if I give him $10, I do get five guesses.

[audience laughs]

I was looking at a map of the United States.

Just picture the map in your head.

I know that we were generally formed from east to west, okay?

Right to left.

But it looks like it was the other way around.

It looks like there was one guy in charge

of designing the entire country,

and his boss just gave him an outline to start with,

and he's like, "You got to divide this into 50

starting from the left side."

And the guy was like, "Oh, yeah. There's plenty of room."

[audience laughs]

I hate buying milk.

I don't have segues.

[audience laughs]

[laughs]

You ever go to buy milk when that's all you need,

so you don't grab a basket or a cart?

You just grab the milk,

and then it becomes a test of physical endurance.

Trading it from hand to hand. It's heavy. It's cold.

If there are any, like, milk designers in the crowd,

I just wanna let you know, you're not impressing anyone.

We don't need milk in the handle.

[audience laughs]

What was that for? Nothing else comes that way.

Nobody asks for food in the grabby part.

They don't sell them out the way

they sell other stuff either, right?

You grab a bag of marshmallows off the shelf.

All the other marshmallows don't come at you.

[audience laughs]

But milk, one of the heaviest things there,

they sell in a ramp that's aimed at your face, all right?

Pulling a gallon off, seven others slam forward,

it's two percent, you wanted non-fat,

but you can't put it back.

[laughter and applause]

I discovered, though, you push those other milks

hard enough, they disappear.

[audience laughs]

I always had a journal. I tried to write funny stories

to try and make my whole family laugh.

I went back to one of them recently.

It's called "Bob." It was about an 11-year-old kid.

And I was--Even though it was a silly story,

it was what I sort of could relate to was this kid

who was kind of distant from his parents

to the point where they, uh--they timed it just right

so when he walked out to the school bus,

the sprinklers went on, like they were sort

in the extreme end of the spectrum

where they're, like, playing pranks on their own son.

But then I had my parents read it and they didn't--

they just thought it was funny.

They didn't see it as a reflection.

[INTERVIEWER] Of them? [ laughs ]

I wish--Yeah, as a kid, I could have been like,

"Don't you understand the satire?"

The only thing I hate about Costco

is that first 50 feet when you walk in.

There's just an awkward aisle of vendors barking at you.

It's uncomfortable for me.

I just came here to pick up a rotisserie chicken, right?

Not to, like, make a massage chair impulse buy.

[audience laughs]

You see the size of my car? It doesn't make sense.

I usually pull this move. I just tell them

that I have whatever they're selling

and you can avoid that conversation.

But the one guy last December-- I've never seen this before.

I haven't seen it since. He had a couple of robot vacuums

going back and forth on a strip of carpet.

I thought I was ready.

He said, "Excuse me, sir." I said, "I've got a Roomba."

And then he said, "Does it get the corners?"

[audience laughs]

I looked down. They were square, whatever.

The point is there weren't Roombas.

But it's crazy that a rival company

is thinking that, like, the thing

preventing potential Roomba customers was the shape.

When Roomba came out, it was just amazing.

Nobody cared.

No one was like, "Oh, I see that this is a vacuum

"from the future that does everything by itself."

Who doesn't get like, you know-- like, the last two inches

where the walls meet and I stand so often?

[audience laughs]

No? Call back when it's a rhombus.

[laughter and applause]

Can explain Rhombus to her.

So he goes to hand me a business card,

and this is 100% true.

One of the proudest moments of my life.

I took the card, threw it down in front

of one of the oncoming vacuums and said,

"I live in a lighthouse."

[audience laughs]

I got a high school degree when I was 13,

and at the time I thought it was cool

that I found this thing.

It wasn't the GED. It's this other test

that you could be in any age

to take it if you got permission.

And--And I took it.

I was, like, "Oh, cool. I'll be done with college."

But it was-- it was a mistake in retrospect

because I wasn't a protege.

Like, I found--Like, I was never on "Oprah."

I was--I wasn't playing like sonatas when I was 4.

I just found, uh, essentially, a flaw in the system,

and now I'm going to college,

and I, uh--I loved being with people my age,

but I didn't even think that through.

To me what was more important was the clever idea

that it was to get ahead, you know?

And I didn't even know

what getting ahead even meant, you know?

I was--I was still watching "Animaniacs."

[interviewer laughing]

[laughs] Like--Like--

And now I'm gonna decide what my major is?

Like, I didn't-- There was no joy in any of it,

so I was probably the youngest dropout

that San Jose State has had.

I got a lawn mower at Costco.

And that's the great thing about Costco, right?

If you ever just need, like, chips and a Jacuzzi.

[audience laughs]

I notice a throttle on every lawn mower has speeds on it,

but they're not labeled with words "fast" or "slow."

Instead, there's a picture of a rabbit and a turtle,

which is crazy.

So that means at every lawn mower factory,

they're just shipping 'em out,

like, "Yeah, we don't care if anyone can read,

just as long as they know all their fables."

[audience laughs]

By the way, Ace Hardware is exclusive to lawn mowers.

You don't see fairytale pictures stamped on other stuff.

Imagine that guy with the leaf blower is like,

"I'm gonna crank this up to Big Bad Wolf."

[audience laughs]

And for anyone who's mowed a lawn,

who uses the turtle setting?

[audience laughs]

Who's getting up at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday going,

"You know what? I want this to take extra long."

[audience laughs]

[laughs] Just want those blades

to lightly slap the grass, you know?

[audience laughs]

It's my last story about Costco.

At one point they were selling down comforters in big boxes

that said temperature technology.

They weren't--You didn't plug 'em in or anything.

They were just down comforters.

You guys have probably seen this phrase, though.

It said that they were warm in the winter,

cool in the summer.

No. - [audience laughs]

Warm in the winter, unbearably hot in July.

[audience laughs]

It's a blanket that can't just change its mind.

[audience laughs]

If down could do that,

geese wouldn't fly thousands of miles.

[audience laughs]

It's so weird when they just put technology,

They say technology is in things.

I would love to call their customer service and be, like,

"Yeah, I'm still sweating under this duvet.

"Could you connect me with IT?"

[audience laughs]

How about deodorant that says that it's motion-activated?

[audience laughs]

Which is great 'cause my last deodorant did not know

what was going-- I think it was analog.

[audience laughs]

Growing up, I always felt like my parents were very busy,

and talking to them, other than, like, at the dinner table,

was almost an intrusion.

Uh, so I just did things on my own.

We were raised that way.

[INTERVIEWER] And your parents were okay

with you paying for college?

No. Yeah. I think they thought that it was, you know,

building independence or whatever.

And there's that part of me

that I don't look to ask for money from anyone,

but then there's that other part where I'm--

I don't feel, like, I can ever ask for help.

[INTERVIEWER] Yeah, why? What is that all about?

Do you feel weak? Do you feel vulnerable?

If I ask-- If I ask someone for help,

if I can't do something without help,

then I'm not doing it right.

And I know--

I know that's not...

how it should be.

But I think it comes from--

from how I was raised.

You better be able to, you know, just do it right the first time.

Evolution makes sense to me for animals and plants.

Just not people. I just--I just don't see

how we could be connected to chimpanzees

or anything before that. Because if you believe

that we come from a billion years of genetic mutation

to arrive at the hyper dominant species of the planet,

we have zero survival skills

when it does go out through the window.

I have no idea how to live outside.

[audience laughs]

None of us do, inherently.

Just the fact that we had to make up the word "outdoors"

should be a clue. - [audience laughs]

There's no outdoors. There's just what exists, right?

We're the ones who invented the doors.

[audience laughs]

Sometimes we try hard to make the indoors look like outdoors.

Have you ever been to a rainforest café?

[audience laughs]

The only jungle that needs to be dusted.

Think of the last time that you had to sleep outside all night

when you hadn't planned on doing it.

Okay. It's not a beautiful connection with Mother Nature.

It's a horrible memory preceded by an evening of poor choices.

[audience laughs]

Think of this. Imagine your favorite wild animal.

Like, you take care of it from its infancy

to a couple of months old

and let it go into its natural habitat,

it'll figure things out, right?

Every animal's brain is wired for shelter.

It knows of any dig a hole, climb a tree. Gonna be okay.

But put a human in the wild at two months...

Put me at my age now...

You just left me alone to survive in a forest,

I wouldn't make it. I would die before my phone did.

[audience laughs]

And right before that, I'd open my compass app

for the first time in my life

and still not even know how to use it.

I'd be like, "Does north just take you to a city?"

[audience laughs]

I was driving through Wyoming last year.

It's in the middle of nowhere on a two-lane highway

on the way to a gig,

and there's construction or something up ahead,

so traffic was moving so slowly

that a cow started walking the same speed as my car,

and it terrified me.

[audience laughs]

Okay. I grew up in San Francisco, live in LA now.

I've never seen a cow in 3D.

[audience laughs]

But if you aren't raised with them, they're scary, okay?

Their head is way bigger than you ever thought it would be,

and they have, like, this unblinking eye.

So here's my point.

if you really think that we came from eons of evolution,

there should have been some pre-program response up here

for that situation to, like,

sharpen a stick, stab it, kill it, eat it, okay?

Here's what I did without even thinking about it.

I locked my doors.

[audience laughs]

When did that twitch happen in our development?

That was my biological reaction to a huge cow face.

And what did I think the cow was even gonna do?

Like, "Oh, man.

Wasn't fast enough. I was gonna get him."

[audience laughs]

Moo.

Going to add in some choices for the editor there.

Moo.

[laughs] Moo.

[audience laughs]

Moo.

[laughs] Don't do that last one.

[audience laughs]

I'm able to manage those moments,

at least now recognize the moments

where I'm not gonna ask for help no matter how--

like, for example, how destitute I might be

during a hypothetical world pandemic

and I don't have work for 147 days.

[audience laughs]

How did I-- I just came up with that.

The other thing that doesn't really jive

with evolution are penguins,

at least the ones that live in Antarctica.

I don't know how they got there, but they seem cold.

[audience laughs]

Like, every other animal in the South Pole

has at least eight inches of blubber or fur keeping him warm.

Penguins walk like they're wearing wet pants.

[audience laughs]

They huddle together for warmth. This is true.

Every year there's a group of penguins

that walks 80 miles round-trip for food,

if you believe Morgan Freeman.

But here's the thing. I do. And if these poor things

have been walking 80 miles every year

for the past million years, why don't they have knees yet?

[audience laughs]

That's how evolution is supposed to work, right?

For some reason their wings didn't work out.

Couldn't they at least get some bendy legs?

[audience laughs]

Have you ever seen 'em do that thing

where they slide on their bellies into the ocean?

They never mean to do that.

They just trip and they're, like, "Well, I can't get up."

[audience laughs]

Guess I'll learn how to swim underwater. I'm a bird.

[audience laughs]

Hey, you guys. That's it for me. Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

♪

I hate the term "clean comedy."

Like, nobody says that about any other art form.

Nobody's ever like...[laughs]

Twenty One Pilots is my favorite clean band.

I just choose different ideas than other people do,

and I hope they're interesting and have, like, punch lines

or a point of view that nobody has ever heard before,

but it's never in my forethought to be, like,

"I'm gonna write the world's best G-rated joke," you know?

"My daughter would love this." Yeah.

♪