All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e03_English

- You can get comfortable
however you like.

- We trying to be emotional,
man, or we just talking real?

Like, what's the deal?
- My mom

is a Highland dancing teacher,

and my dad
is an Ex-electrician.

They're still together, and they
still fight quite often.

But they didn't find me funny.

They're like,
"You're not funny." I was like,

"I think I am." Like, "You've
never made us laugh once."

And then the first few stand-up
shows I had were so fucking bad,

they were like,
"We've made a huge mistake."

Thank God my parents
don't get Epix, 'cause...

- [man laughing]
- [laughing]

♪

Oh, my God. This place is crazy.

- You have a double mask
and everything.

- Corey Rodrigues,
Boston, Massachusetts.

- Hello. I'm Steph Tolev.
I'm from Toronto, Canada.

You're blind
if you didn't notice that.

- You're not gonna use
the same brush

as you use on Sidney on me,
are you?

It's so tough to figure out
where it came from,

to pinpoint it, to truly--
to be honest and pinpoint it.

Like, I had that mentality very
young--first grade or something.

Like, "I can do it.
I can go do that."

Spelling Bees
and all kinds of shit.

I would do all that.
I ran for class president.

Won class president
just because I could do it.

But I feel like other people
are scared of doing it.

I'm like, "Just do it."

♪

- I'm a nice person
except when I get, um, ghosted

or, you know,
certain things that set me off.

Like all of us.

- [man laughs]
- No one's answering.

- I love finding out
what people are really about.

You know? And I love giving
them a chance

to say what they're
really about.

- Oh, yeah. It looks good.
- Thanks.

- I got arrested in high school
for assault.

I guess I have
an anger problem, too.

I'm not really sure.

Should I be saying this on TV?

- I'm just saying.

Sometimes you don't know
what somebody's about

until you actually give them
a minute to talk.

♪

- [MAN] Let's keep
that energy up.

We're gonna bring out our
next comic in just a second.

- I'm not completely just,
like, comfortable.

Like, I'm just, like, this crazy
extrovert. I'm not like that.

Like, there is times when I
don't wanna be like that.

You know? But in me it is there.

Like, if the time
has presented itself

and you could do something,
do something.

- He's ready. He's here.

I need y'all to show
a lot of love.

Put your hands together
right now.

Right now. Come on.
Show him some love.

He's from Boston.
He's here for y'all tonight.

Get up for my man
Corey Rodrigues!

[cheering]

- Ohh!

Let's shut it down!

Ha-ha!

L.A., what is up?

[cheering continues]

It's gonna be dope.
We're gonna have a good time.

It's the--It's the, uh--
It's the summertime, man.

It's nice.
I think it's beautiful.

I think it's beautiful, man.
I'm from Boston,

and I think it's so lovely
this time of year.

Everybody tries to cook out.

Everyone's like, "Let's go
outside. It's cookout season."

Right? Be careful, though.

Everybody can't
fucking cook out. Okay?

Just because there's a grill,

every dude's now like,
"I'm a chef."

They all think they can cook.

Some people will kill you.
Right?

Look this up. The--The--

People, food sickness
is up in the summer

because people are grilling
and they can't.

Like--One of my friends--
I was at his house.

He was grilling.
He was like, "Yo, Corey,

I'm about to make
turkey burgers.

How you want
your turkey burger cooked?"

I was like--
[snaps fingers]--"Cooked."

[audience laughs]

He was like, "Nah, I'm saying--
He said--He said,

"Nah, I'm saying."
I said, "Nah, I'm saying.

If I have
to explain that to you..."

[audience laughs]

"...you shouldn't be
on the grill."

[audience laughs]

I was at another kid's house.
He made 10-minute chicken wings.

Impossible, by the way.

He didn't--
He didn't precook 'em,

parboil, nothing.
10 minutes out the package.

His little feather
was still on the fucking wing.

No rinse, no vinegar,
no lemon, no nothing.

Black people don't talk
about anyways.

None of that included.
Just right on the grill.

He was like, "Yo, these wings
'bout to be ready in 10 minutes.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh." Right?

You ever have
a stupid, smart friend?

My friend Novar,
sitting next to me.

He's like, "I'm gonna fuck them
wings up. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh."

The wings come out
in 10 minutes.

Clearly, they're raw.
I'm looking at the wings.

He's trying to eat the wings. As
he's trying to break the wings,

the wings are fighting him back.
They're snapping back in place.

Every time he tries to rip 'em,
the wings are like,

"We're not ready."
They won't rip.

[audience laughs]

He gets, like--He gets, like,
five or six wings deep

as he's eating these wings.

I'm looking at the fucking blood
in the wing.

I was like, "Nove,
those wings are raw."

He goes, "Aw, why you
didn't say something?"

[imitates spitting]

He takes a napkin.
He starts wiping his tongue.

He's like, "Ah, ha-ha-ha.
You should've said something."

I'm like, "It's too late now.

You already swallowed
the salmonella.

You can't wipe salmonella away."

[audience laughs]

That's like having
unprotected sex and being like,

"I'm just gonna wash my dick off
in the sink."

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

Don't act like none of you never
washed your dick in the sink.

You know you've done it.

That's Man 101.
That's what they teach you.

They like,
"If you're ever in a jam...

drink cranberry juice and wash
your dick off in the sink."

I don't just put my dick
in anybody's sink

all willy-nilly either.
I'm not like that.

'Cause you got that hole
in the front of the sink--

that spider hole. I'm like,
"Fuck that little hole."

I don't want any brown recluse
coming out

and biting my balls, so...

I get your hand towel
and I lay it over that hole,

and I put my dick in your sink
and I wash it off.

And then when you go
in the bathroom, you're like,

"Why are my hand towels wet?"
I was like,

I washed my face twice."

[audience laughs]

For three years,
I lived in New York.

Loved it.
Dopest thing in the world.

But then I wanted to--
I wanted to start a family.

You know what I mean?
I wanted to--

I didn't wanna be
the comic who was 50.

Like, "I wanna start
a family now." Right?

I was like,
"I wanna start a family,

and I want that family to grow
with me as I do what I'm doing."

It's more difficult,
but I get the pleasures

of having the difficult time
and the best times

while we all grow up together.

So that's what I did. I moved
back and started a family, and--

- How many kids do you have?
- Two boys.

If you're in a relationship
during this shit,

I mean, you are--Whew.

You are--If you lasted,
you're the real deal.

[scattered applause]

If you lasted during this,

you are meant to be.

You weren't together by choice.
You were together by force.

And the whole time
you're thinking,

"I want out," or you were like,
"This is great.

This is the person I love.
This is great."

I was--I didn't reali--
Like, you realize shit.

I'm usually on the road.
I'm a comedian.

I'm traveling all the time.

I didn't know I was
as annoying as I am.

I found out
from being home too much.

I didn't know
that when I brush my teeth,

I just spit
[imitates spitting] toothbrush

all over the mirror.

[audience laughs]

I had no idea that's what I did

till I was taken by the hand
by my girlfriend.

She was just like, "Look.
You don't see all this shit

on the mirror?
Look at all of this."

And I was looking at her.
Like, "What?

It doesn't bother me.
I can see through it.

It's not a big deal."

None of that shit
ever bothered me. Right?

I'm not gonna lie.
I've been flossing before.

This is some crazy shit.
This is some lazy shit.

I've been flossing, and I've
been, like, ka-ta-ta, picking.

And you know you picking,
something comes out,

and it's like, puh,
and it hits the mirror.

I've looked at it and been like,
"I'll get that shit later."

Like, "Why? Why?"

I could easily just go...
skee-skee.

I could just wipe it off
the mirror.

Instead, I gotta come back
later, like...ka-tuk, ka-tuk,

and I gotta scrape it off
the mirror.

I'm arguing about shit
that's crazy.

She was like, "How come
when you get out of the shower,

why do you make
the bath mat so wet?"

I said, "What? Are you--"

[audience laughs]

"You're arguing with me
about the bath mat wetness?"

She was like, "Yeah.
I don't make it that wet."

I said, "I'm bigger than you.
Maybe I'll make it wetter."

She was like, "No, you do that
to me on purpose

'cause you know I'm gonna
pick it up and hang it up."

I'm like,
"I'm not thinking about you.

When I'm drying off,
it has nothing to do with you."

She was like, "How come when
you get out of the shower,

you leave the bath mat in a
little ball next to the shower?

You leave it there for me."
I'm like,

I'm not thinking about you.

I'm not drying off, like,
"Fuck you."

Just twist it into a ball.
"You're cleaning it up.

You take care of that bath mat."

[scattered laughter]

When somebody is mad at you,

everything you do
aggravates them.

Everything.
I can't even breathe.

Sometimes I sit down
on the couch next to her.

I sit down. I'm like--[sighs]
And I sit down.

She's like, "Why you sighing?"
I was like,

"I'm just breathing.
I wasn't sighing."

I didn't realize I sighed so
much when I sat down everywhere.

When I sit down, I go--[sighs].
That's just what I do.

[audience laughs]

"What's wrong?"
I was like, "Nothing's wrong."

She was like, "Why you sighing?"
I said, "I'm breathing."

[sighs] She said,
"Why you still sighing?"

I'm like, "I'm not sighing!
I'm breathing!"

She's like, "You seem
like you got a problem."

I say, "You're gonna
give me a problem.

You're gonna create a problem,

and you're gonna make me
fight with you right now.

What is the problem?"

You ever sigh
and there really is a problem

and she doesn't pick up on it
right away?

And you have to keep sighing.
Right?

You ever be like...[sighs]
She don't say anything.

[sighs]

[audience laughs]

[sighs]

"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing.

You think I'm telling you
on the first ask?

Get the fuck outta here. I'm--

I'm difficult.
I'm not that easy." Right?

[sighs] "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing. I'm good."

[sighs]
"What's your problem?"

"You said we was gonna leave
the beach yesterday at 7:00.

We stayed there until 9:00.
Why would we stay that late?

You knew..." "I thought you
didn't have a problem."

"You made it come out of me."

I lived with my parents
for very early on.

Maybe for the first
three or four years.

And then we ended up going to
our grandparents' house.

My mom was probably around 20
when she had me.

Little younger
when she had my brother.

She didn't really split, per se.

Like, I would--I wouldn't--
I wouldn't put it that way.

She did leave us
with our grandparents.

My dad was on, uh, drugs
for a while

which is why she put us
in a better situation,

based on how things were going.
We was in a better situation.

But my dad went through that era
like many went through.

Uh, crack, heroin,
all that--all that stuff.

And so it just was not good.
Not a good situation for my mom.

So grew up with my grandparents.

And that's--that's--
My brother and myself.

That's when you're
cooped up with somebody.

When you're cooped up,
the shit's crazy.

You have subliminal shit
that goes on with the cellphone.

The cellphone will break you up
by itself.

There's no worst thing

than seeing someone
pick up their cellphone

and they're next to you
and they fucking giggle at it.

And you just looking at 'em.

When you're in a relationship
and you look over

and the other person's
like--[laughs]--

you're like, "What? What? What?"

[audience laughs]

You learn how to hold
that fucking giggle in.

When you see something funny
on your phone, you look.

You go,
"I'll laugh at that later."

[audience laughs]

"I'll get my giggles off
of this shit a little bit later.

I'm not fighting about
this funny shit right here.

Don't wanna explain it."

The phone will break you up.

Usually during the time you find
a movie that you wanna watch.

Right? You know
you both find a movie.

You're like,
"Oh, we love a movie." Right?

Most of the time,
it's not both of you

that have decided
on some movie that you love.

It's not like, "Oh, we both love
this movie we're gonna watch."

If you do--
If that's your situation,

you have a great relationship.
Okay?

But most of the time,
one of the people

is bringing the movie
to the table.

Like, "Hey, I was talking
to my friends,

and they said this movie's good.
Let's check it out."

Or, "I was scrolling
through the other day,

and I saw a good movie.
Let's check it out."

Now, when you start checking
that movie out, the fuck--

Here's what happens.

You sitting there
with your significant other.

You put the movie on
that you chose,

and then the whole time you're
not even watching the movie.

You're watching them
not watch the movie.

[audience laughs]

'Cause they're just
sitting there on their phone.

[laughs]

And you're just watching them.
You're just looking at 'em.

You're like, "Oh."
And you wanna say something.

But if you're in a relationship
long enough, you know.

Just hold it. You'll get
your moment. Just wait.

You're looking at them.
You give 'em a couple of...

[sighs] Right?
You give 'em a couple of sighs.

They don't respond to the sighs.
They're still looking.

And the whole time
you're watching,

you know good--good shit
is happening.

And that's when you peek over.
You're looking.

You're like, "Oh, you're missing
all the good shit.

You're missing
all the good shit. Look at you."

And then finally
they look up from their phone.

They go, "Oh, what did they say?
What did he just do?"

And you're like,
"If you was paying attention,

you would've seen
what happened!"

[ applause ]

"But you was too busy on your
phone, talking to whoever."

Right? You always wanna know
who they're talking to,

but you pretend you don't.

"Whoever you're talking to on
the phone, I don't even care."

You care. You care.

You wanna know exactly
what's happening in that phone.

[audience laughs]

When you have someone who's a--
who was a addict for a parent,

you can't rely
on anything they say. Right?

So whatever they say,
you begin to rely on the lie.

Like, "Oh, yeah.
This is bullshit." Right?

No matter what they say.
"We're gonna be there." "Okay."

Right? You start--If you're
a smart enough kid,

you start to just be like,
"They're not coming."

And anytime they come, you're
like, "Oh! You showed up."

It's like--You know.

It's like the kid
that is the most improved kid

that was getting D's
the whole time,

and he finally handed in
his homework.

"Most improved
for the semester."

I wonder some time how people--

Like, I wonder
how people stay together

for such a long period a time.

Like, I think it's awesome,
but you just wonder.

You have to be so mature.

You have to be very mature
to be in a relationship.

Think about it.
I mean long-term.

Because, look, short-term,

you don't get to see anything
for real.

And then long-term.
No guy who has ever gotten

with a woman is ever thinking
she's gonna be like,

"Aah! Come in here.
There's no more toilet paper."

"What?" "You used all the toilet
paper. Give me some. Aah!

You know I don't like
hot wings. Aah!" Right?

No dude ever thinks that.

But when we're in a long-term
relationship, that's what it is,

and you have to, "I still love
everything, babop, ba."

And they still act
like all that shit's sexy.

It's not sexy anymore.
You have to be very mature.

I wonder how people
stay together for so long.

My girls used
to wanna walk everywhere.

All she wants to do is walk.
"Let's walk. Let's walk.

Let's walk." All we do is walk.
"Let's walk around the block.

Let's walk Let's walk
around the neighborhood.

Let's walk. Let's go to my
parents' neighborhood and walk.

Let's walk. Let's walk.
Let's walk."

If I don't wanna walk,
she acts like I wanna break up.

"You never wanna do anything.
You don't wanna walk?

You just wanna sit here
all day?" "Yes!"

[audience laughs]

She was like, "You have to live
every day like it's your last."

I was like, "Sometimes
I wanna die on the couch."

[audience laughs]

I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.

If I ask you to walk
and you don't wanna walk,

I'm fine with it,
'cause I feel free.

Like, if I ask you to walk and
you say no, I'm like, "Cool."

Now I can talk freely
on the phone.

I can laugh
the way I wanna laugh.

I'm talking to my boys. [laughs]
"No. No. What did he say?

What did he say?"
I don't have her behind me.

Like--[laughs] "No. What did he
say? What did he say?

Why do you laugh like that?"
I'm like, "Because he's funny."

How am I supposed to laugh
when I talk to my friends?

"Ha ha, Joe."

[audience laughs]

"That's another good one, Joe.
Ha ha."

[audience laughs]

Get in trouble. I get in trou--
I call it "getting in trouble."

You're not really getting
in trouble.

I get in trouble
for not sharing information

that I don't care about.

She gets mad at me
when I don't come home

and share shit
that I don't even care about.

She's like,
"How come you didn't tell me

your best friend's brother's
wife was having a baby?"

I was like, "I forgot."

She was like, "How do you forget
something like that?"

I was like,
"'Cause I didn't care."

She was like, "How do you
not care about that?"

I was like, "I don't know.
I just really didn't care.

I--I cared in the moment,
and then I fucking forgot."

[audience laughs]

That wasn't something to retain.
Like, "I can't wait to get home

and share the baby news. Oh!
There's a new baby on the way."

My friends don't know shit.

When you get to a certain age,

your friends
don't know shit you do.

Think of your three best friends
right now.

Now, think of one under them.
What do they do for work?

Where do they work?

Have they got promoted lately?

Well, if they put it on Facebook
and your girl sees it first,

she's like,
"Why you keeping secrets?"

You're like,
"It's not a secret."

I didn't know that she--
He didn't call everybody--

Like, "Yo I got a promotion
at the job."

Nobody cares
when you get to a certain age.

All my friends wanna surprise
you now. We got to a certain age

when my friends just show up
and surprise you.

"Got a new car. Oh!"

They just put in a text message,
"Just bought a house."

They don't talk about like,
"We're thinking about it."

They just like, "Got a house."
I was like, "All right."

So my girl's like,
"Why didn't you say something?"

I'm like, "I just found out,
too. I didn't know."

[audience laughs]

I don't know.
Maybe she's like that

because she shares everything
with me--

shit I don't even care about.

She's just sharing the shit
with me. She's a teacher,

so she's telling me stuff
that, like, I don't care about.

She was like, "You know the
teacher two doors down from me?"

I was like, "Yeah."
I don't know the teacher.

[audience laughs]

But I said yeah just so I didn't
have to go through

that back-and-forth shit, like,

"Remember she came over
that day?

She took the Uber over and she
had her sister with her."

And I'm like,
"Nah, I don't remember."

"Remember her sister got drunk?"
I'm like, "Aah."

I don't wanna play that game.
So she said,

"Do you know the teacher
two doors down?" I said, "Yes."

[audience laughs]

She said her parents
had a timeshare,

and they--they couldn't
pay for it anymore,

so they just got rid of it.

[audience laughs]

I said, "What else happened?"

She said, "That's it."

[scattered laughter]

I said, "That's crazy, right?"
I didn't think it was crazy,

but I know I have to say
it's crazy.

I have to say something.

'Cause we've been together
long enough

that I know
that's how you end that shit.

"That's crazy. Unbelievable."

None of that shit
was crazy to me.

I was like, "Where's the rest
of the story?" Did it burn down?

Did they get bullet holes
in the side of the house?

What is this? That's it?

Didn't even know
the fucking person.

[audience laughs]

My grandfather is a barber.

We own barbershops
all over Massachusetts,

all over Boston, specifically.

I used to shine shoes.
I used to sweep the floor.

My grandfather would be like,
"Look, you sell this stuff,

I'll give you
a percentage of the money."

So then he would say,
"All right--"

We would go down to North
Carolina and get peanuts--

50-pound bags of peanuts.
We'd cook 'em all the time.

People like eating peanuts.
You come in the barbershop.

You come in. You got
these fresh-roasted peanuts.

He said, "Every other bag,
you can keep the money

you sell these peanuts." Right?

So then all of a sudden,
you know,

he's creating this shit in you.

You know, you're like,
"I can't wait to do it."

Shiny shoes. Boom.
He's telling me--

teaching me how to shine shoes.
"Don't mess somebody's shoes up.

This is what you do."
I'm in there popping them rags

shiny shoes.
But I'm making money.

"Keep all the tips.
Pay me for this

so we can keep the supplies in."

You know, he was constantly
doing stuff like that.

I don't know
how they stay together.

Sometimes we'll be laying
in the bed,

and she'll take her legs and put
'em on the tops of my legs.

And if I move at any point,
she goes, "Stop moving."

I said, "Well, get off of me.
I'm on my side of the bed.

I can't move."

[audience laughs]

She didn't like any air
under the covers,

so she'll tuck my side in
real tight and pull 'em over.

So I'm under there
like a little sardine all night.

[grunting]

If any air comes in,
she goes, "Ooh, it's cold."

I'm like, "I can't breathe
under this shit.

How many comforters and blankets
do we have to have on the bed?"

And what's a duvet?

No single straight guy
knows what a duvet is.

You have to be gay
or in a relationship

and you know what a duvet is.

And then some random Saturday,
she's like,

"You wanna help me change the
duvet? It takes five minutes."

It never takes five minutes.

[audience laughs]

After a couple of minutes,
she's like, "You did it wrong.

You gotta retie your corner."
And it takes another 10 minutes

to flop that fucking...

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

All the new relationship dudes
are like, "What's a duvet?"

They have no idea. 'Cause a lot
of you have no idea.

"What's a duvet? I have no idea.
Just lost right now."

Stay together long enough,
you'll change your shit.

I don't know. Makes you wonder.

You know how you know
your lady really loves you?

Because she asks you everywhere
you're going inside the house.

[audience laughs]

Think about it real quick.
You ever get up real quick?

She goes, "Where you going?" You
go, "To turn off the lights."

"Where you going?"
"To the bathroom."

"Where you going?"
"To get something to eat."

"I thought you were leaving."
"Really?

You thought I was leaving?
It's 3:00 in the morning.

I got on tighty-whities,

flip-flops,
and a V-neck T-shirt.

It's raining outside.

Did you hear any keys jingling?
Did you see me get an umbrella?

I promise
I'll be right back to bed."

"Hurry up. I can't sleep unless
you're in the room with me.

Hurry up."

I see some of you
not responding to that.

That's because I'm talking
about young love.

That's when you still
touch each other.

[laughter and applause]

It's much different.

You stay with somebody for
a while, it's much different.

They're like, "I put a pillow
in the middle for a reason.

You wanna put your leg
on something?

Put it on that pillow
and get it off of me.

Why are your legs so heavy?
They feel like tree trunks.

You're crushing me
with your legs.

Get your legs off of me.
What's in your leg?"

She's like,
"Bones are in my leg. Bones.

I can't control
the weight of my legs."

You ever get in trouble
for your body temperature?

Right? You ever put
your arm on your lady?

She goes, "Ah, why you so hot?
Why you so hot?"

"Like, because I'm alive.
That's why I'm hot."

I can't control
the temperature of my arms.

I'm not in the kitchen,
like, "I'm gonna heat this up

in the oven

and show her what a hot arm
feels like during the movie."

[ applause ]

Huh. So I was working
in the shop,

and people would always
be laughing.

I would always be saying
funny stuff,

because I would--
you know, I would...

imitate people, and I would,
you know--I just--In the moment.

Like, I would see somebody
coming in the barbershop.

I knew how they were gonna talk.

You know, I knew--I knew
specific things about people.

I know their laugh.
All these fucking dudes' laugh.

Right? So I'd do the laugh
before he comes in.

You know, there used to be
this one guy who came

into the barbershop.
He always come in, like--

[squealy laugh] Right?

That's how he would laugh,
right? It was very distinct.

So before he would--
I would see him coming up,

and I'd just like--
[squealy laugh]

And then as soon as he came in,

he's like, "What's up,
everybody?" [squealy laugh]

And everyone's dying.
- [man laughs]

- Right? So it would
always be shit like that.

Now everybody's laughing.
They're all like,

"Oh, man." They're like, "How
did you get his laugh down?"

You know? And then it's almost

like that weird positive
reinforcement that kicks in,

and then you're like, "Oh, man.
I can do that." You know?

My friends call me, uh--
They call me a germaphobe.

But I'm not a germaphobe. I'm
like, "I'm germ-aware." Okay?

There's a difference.
Like, I'm not crippled by germs.

But when I see nasty shit,
that's when I'm like, "Ugh."

You ever be sharing pretzels
and nachos with somebody,

and they do something gross?
And you're like,

"Oh, that was gross. No."

Like, you ever be sharing
pretzels or something,

and then someone's like,
"These are delicious.

So I was talking to Steve,
right?

And Steve said to me--
He was like, 'Anyways--'"

And I'm like, "Whoa! Whoa.
You just went in that eyeball.

You got eyeball juices
all over your fingers.

What are you doing?" They're
like, "It's not a big deal."

I'm like, "It's a big deal
to me. It's over."

[audience laughs]

I was on this flight, man,

coming back
from Grand Rapids, Michigan,

and I was flying back on
a flight before everything hit.

You ever hear somebody cough,

and you're like,
"There's a problem"? Right?

There was dude
sitting behind me,

and he was like--[coughing].

[coughing continues] Right?

So, you know,
when you first hear it,

you're like, "It's okay. He's
choking, but he'll live, right?"

I heard--[coughs] I said, "Huh?"
I started looking at people.

Everybody's looking straight
ahead like they don't hear it.

I said, "This is crazy."
[coughing] I said, "Huh?"

I slump down in my seat. I said,
"Whatever's coming at you,

I don't want it to hit me in the
back of the head. What is that?"

[coughing] Right?

I took the air. I said,
"Point that that way.

Blow that shit backwards.
What is that?

[coughing]
I started looking at everybody.

Everybody had their face
in their shirt,

like, "We hear it, too.

Good luck."

[coughing] I said, "I need to
see what's making that noise."

I looked back between the seats,
and it was a guy

looking right back at me,
like--[coughing]

I said, "Aah!"
His lips were shaking.

You know how hard you gotta
cough for your lips to shake?

You should never see
somebody's lips shake.

And that shit was gross.
It went to my soul.

I was like, "Ohh!"

[audience laughs]

Things like that bother me.

If I'm riding in the car
with you on a sunny day

and you sneeze, and I see all
that sneeze Febreze in the air,

oh, shit. Roll your window down.

Let it out
on your side of the car.

I don't wanna see
all that shit in the air,

like, "Ah, I'm coming for you."

[audience laughs]

If I go to your house
and your bathroom is filthy,

say something.
Let me know ahead of time.

Just tell me you're working
on the bathroom or something.

Right?
Because I'm checking your tub.

Like, if I go in there and the
caulking is all gold and moldy,

I'm like,
"What the fuck is this?"

All you have to say to me is,
"I'm renovating the bathroom,"

and then
I don't judge you anymore.

But if I go in there
and I look--

Of course I'm checking
the medicine cabinet.

Obviously. Right?

But I'm over 35. I'm checking
the fucking tub, too.

I'm like, "What's in here?"

I'm looking in there,
looking around.

I'm not just looking for dirt.
I'm looking at the fixtures.

Like, "That's beautiful.
Look at this shit.

I wanna get this for my house.

This is detachable."
I'm checking it out.

If I'm comfortable enough,
I'll turn it on.

"Look at this water pressure.
It's fucking nice."

When you get over 35, you give
a shit about water pressure.

I never cared
about water pressure.

I got older. I was like--
[imitates water running]

"This is nice. I love it."
You start talking to people.

Like, that makes you--
that makes you stay at a hotel.

You're like, "That hotel
has great water pressure."

[chuckling] The fuck.
I've never said stuff like that.

[ applause ]

If--[chuckles]--If I look
in that bathroom and it's dirty,

I don't tru--
It makes me not trust you.

It makes me not trust you.
Like, I don't trust people

that are missing front teeth.

I know
that's a weird connection,

but stay with me for a second.

If you're missing front teeth,
you are untrustworthy.

Where the fuck
are your front teeth?

Front teeth are a big deal.

If you were at your doctor,

and your doctor was like,
"You need some more fiber,"

you'd be like, "You don't have
any front fucking teeth.

How you talking to me
about fiber?"

Some people think
I'm being judgy. I'm not judgy.

That's--Now, look,
you need front teeth.

Sides and back. Fuck it.
You don't need those.

But the front you need.

There's a lot of judgment
with missing front teeth.

Imagine you were getting
on a flight,

and the pilot
was standing there greeting you.

He was like,
"Hey, how you doing?"

He didn't have any front teeth.

You don't care what airline.
Grey--Bus, air, Spirit.

You'd be like, "There's no
fucking teeth on here?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is the representative?
What's behind him?"

[audience laughs]

You have to least
acknowledge it

if you don't have front--
You have to be like,

"I just fell the other day,
so I'm getting that fixed."

If you say that, we're cool.

Don't just talk to me regular,
missing front fucking teeth.

If you meet anybody's
boyfriend or girlfriend

and they're missing front teeth,
you're like, "There's a prob--"

You can be missing an eye,
and you're more accepted...

[audience laughs]

...than front fucking teeth.

All right. Whatever. I'm just
saying. That's a big deal.

You know, my grandfather
was a very hard disciplinarian.

You know what I mean?
So he's like hard-nosed.

You know what I mean?
He's like,

"You know I love you because
there's a roof over your head,"

not like, "I love you. You're
okay?" You know what I mean?

So he just basically
was like, uh--

I got kicked out one time
'cause, you know,

not doing housework,
things I was supposed to do.

Not listening.

But, I mean--His reactions
were much more harsh

than the neighborhood
that we lived in at the time.

It was kind of funny. So I ended
up moving in with a friend,

you know, his family,
for, like--I don't know--

a few months.

But, I mean, my grandfather's
hold fasten to what he say.

You know, he's like, "Hey, if
you don't abide by my rules,

you can't live here."
Like, I was paying rent

way younger than anybody else.
- How old?

- I don't know. High school.
- [man laughs]

- 'Cause I could work
at the shop.

He's very practical and logical

and, like,
"Take care of your business."

Old people gotta be stopped
at some point. Right?

No, no, no. Listen.
I don't mean killed or anything.

I just think they should have
to take some kind of test

or something before they buy
certain electronics. Right?

Old people don't know
how to use shit.

You ever be in line
behind somebody real old

with a cellphone
with that stupid default ring on

the whole time? They don't even
know it's them ringing. Right?

[imitating gibberish
cellphone ringing]

[imitating gibberish ringing]

[audience laughs]

[imitating gibberish ringing]

Now, is that my phone?

[imitating gibberish ringing]

Now, why is it lighting up?

[imitating gibberish ringing]

There's a "silent" button
on the cellphone.

Hit the "silent" button.

My grandmother--
she's on the phone

with people bragging about me
using a remote control.

"Ooh, child. You should see
Corey use that remote control.

The other day, he changed the
channel from the other room."

I'm like, "Nana, you could
change the channels, too,

if you stopped
hitting "auxiliary"

and hit the cable button.

You could change
the channels, too.

My grandfather doesn't know
how to use the microwave.

Everything he puts
in the microwave,

he pushes 43:33.

I don't care what it is.
Pop-Tarts. Ramen noodles.

43:33.

The other day
he came in the kitchen.

He was reheating
a fish and chip, and he had it

in one of those white
Styrofoam containers, right?

He put it in the microwave.
He push 43:33.

I said,
"This shit's gonna be good."

[audience laughs]

At, like, the 15-minute mark,
the container just collapsed.

At the 22-minute mark,
he came back in the kitchen.

He was looking in the microwave.
He said, "Hey.

That don't look right."

[audience laughs]

"I don't remember
putting cheese on that stuff."

[audience laughs]

I said, "That's
provolone cheese, Grandpa.

That's provolone."

And I watched him eat
every bite of it, too.

- [MAN] Aw!
- I don't care.

He's gotta learn.
He knows that's not cheese.

He knows that's Styrofoam.

What kind of cheese you cut
goes...[squeaking]

...when you cutting it?

He was putting ketchup
and pepper on it.

[squeaking]

I said, "You don't hear
that cheese squeaking?"

He said, "I thought
that was my cellphone ringing."

I said, "See?"

Thanks a lot, guys.
I'm Corey Rodrigues.

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

♪

God, that went fast.
It was way too fast.

It was awesome.
I loved that.

I love--I love how I grew up,
the way I did grow up.

I think the more experiences you
have going throughout your life

are gonna round you
as a comedian.

Ohh! Awesome.

I would have a huge dick
if I was a man.

That's all I can say.
- [man laughs]

- I would have a whopping pen--

I couldn't sit here like this
if I was man.

I'd have to have a third pillow
holding it up.

I'd have to have this come up
and just...sit on it. Yeah.

This is so gross.
Is this allowed to be on TV?

- [MAN] Listen. This next lady
coming to the stage,

I need y'all to give her
so much energy, man.

Show your love for Steph Tolev.

- [cheering]
- A little more. A little more.

A little more. Goddamn it.
Come on.

Come on. I know it's late.
Goddamn it.

- [cheering]
- It's hot as shit.

A little louder. Come on.

- [cheering louder]
- Jesus!

Okay. That's too much now.
Now that's forced.

This is--This isn't a bad spot,
is it not? Excuse me.

Behind the scenes.

I'm just gonna drag--
There we go. Is that okay there?

Nobody cares. All right.
How are we?

- [MAN] Great.
- [MAN #2] Whoo!

- I'm wearing shorts, you pigs.

Don't get all excited,
you actual perverts.

"Look. We're gonna see
a clit tonight." You might.

If you play your cards right,
you might. You never know.

You're scared. It's about to get
gross as hell in here right now.

- [MAN] Whoo!
- You've all been very tame.

I'm already sorry about
"you're gonna be scared."

It's fine. It's fine.
You're all--

"Get ready. It's gonna get
gross and weird."

Okay. You didn't need
that warning, but you did.

You guys are both cute.
You're single?

Anyways, here we go.

Um, we're living in hell.

Welcome to hell.
Welcome to the devil's ass.

You feel good?
How does this feel?

Come on in. Water's warm, huh?

Could you imagine
we ever complained

about anything else before this?
I would love for a guy

to call me fat
and ugly right now. I'd love it.

I honestly--
- [WOMAN] Aw.

- Don't "aw" me.
I still get laid. Relax.

I would honestly love right now

to get trolled
and to be stood up at a bar.

I would love to be ghosted.
I really--

I miss the good ol' days.
I honestly do.

This is--This is a lot.

I'm Canadian,
and I had a full panic,

and I went back
to the motherland.

I got very scared. I really did.

I was drinking about three
bottles of red a night.

Don't judge me. Baby was alone,
and she was scared.

So I had friends call me
from Toronto

and be like,
"You gotta get out of there.

Tanks are coming in. They're
gonna shoot your windows."

I'm like, "That seems a bit
drastic, but I believe you.

Let's get the fuck out of here.
Sure. Let's go."

So I woke up the next morning,
and I panicked packed.

Did not pack properly.
Put in a bunch of wigs,

couple of mustaches, couple
of pairs of funny glasses.

This isn't a joke.
I can show you my suitcase.

It was quite insane.
What am I, a prop comic?

I'm not going on a cruise ship.
I'm going to my parents' house.

What the fuck am I doing
right now?

Packed three pairs of underwear.

That's not a normal amount
of underwear for a woman.

I go through three a day.
Excuse me.

Oh, I'm the only one. Stuff's
always coming out of that hole.

I don't know if it's just me.
- [audience laughs]

- I'm the only one with a vagina
with stuff coming out?

Come on. If your vagina
is dry right now, please leave.

You must go to emergency.
I'm very worried for you.

'Cause there's always stuff.
I don't know what it is.

Something's coming
out of that hole.

[audience laughs]

Right now as we speak.
You guys hard yet?

You will be. Don't worry.

You will be.
"Take your mask off" Eek.

I don't know what that meant.
If there's a mask on your dick.

I don't know what that was.

This is a lot. You're very--
It's gonna get much worse.

I'm so sorry.

You're like,
"Why did I sit up front?

This psychopath woman.
It's a lot."

As soon as I get to Toronto,

my dad's like, "Don't worry.
I got underwear for you."

I'm like, "I don't want
your underwear, Pete.

That's a strange thing
for you to say right now."

He said, "Let me show you."
I don't need to see the example.

Pulls his cutoff
sweatpants shorts down

to reveal the loosest,
most worn-in pair of underwear

I've ever seen
in my entire life.

I'm like, "I'm sorry.
Do I need to see these?"

He goes, "Not these ones.
I got extras."

"I don't wanna see the extra--

I think you should be wearing
the extras, Pete.

These are like an old
fucking restaurant rag.

What the hell
are you wearing right now?"

He says, "I'll give you
the new pair."

Did I wear the new pair?
Yes, I did. Of course I did.

You can't carry around
the Hoover Dam

and not put some cloth in there.
You gotta cover it up.

- [WOMAN] Oh!
- That was a lot.

I'm getting "ohs" already.
Oh, that's, uh--

I'm so sorry
for all of you right now.

I need to apologize so you'll
know what's going to happen,

'cause Hoover Dam Pussy
is the cleanest joke I have,

so you guys are--That's why
they put me later in the show--

so you guys can get worked in.
"Oh, this is a fun night."

And then get so scared.
That's how it works.

19 years old.
My first boyfriend, Steve Oak.

Talk about him a lot. We dated
for seven and a half years.

I broke up with him
when I was 24. I'm 35.

He still speaks to my dad
on a regular basis.

He invited my mother and father
to his wedding.

Did I get invited?
- [man laughs]

- Absolutely not. Excuse me.
Waiting for that in the mail.

Yeah. It's very weird.

I lost my virginity with him

and had a very,
uh, tragic situation down there.

I had to rush to emergency.

Blood clots were coming out
of my body the next morning.

And turns out, um,

they thought there was something
stuck inside my body,

like a toy or something.

Turns out Steve just had
a big-ass dick,

and I had a really thick hymen,
and I bled for 24 hours.

This is not a joke. Oh, yeah.

I went through 14 night pads.
For a woman, that's a lot.

They're like the canoes
that you wear in your underwear.

And, uh, yeah.
Very tragic. First--

- [man laughs]
- First time having sex.

And then Steve stayed with me
for seven years after that.

So I feel bad. He should, uh--
He should get a--

I should let him keep talking
to my dad.

It's a lot to live at home.

My father's a psychopath.

Got in trouble a lot.
Big trouble every single day.

Put a big blanket
in the washing machine.

"Gonna wear out the motor."

"I don't think
that's how that works."

He got very upset with me
every single thing I did.

Went to close the cupboard.
He's like,

"What the hell you doing?"

"I'm just closing the cupboard."

He's like, "You're just gonna
open it again, aren't you?"

- [audience laughs]
- "Yeah, probably at some point,

I'll open it up again.
Yeah, sure." He's like,

"Gonna wear out
those fucking hinges."

"I'm sorry, Dad.
Not a big hinge chap,

but I'm pretty sure that's
the hinges only fucking job

is to open and close."
- [audience laughs]

- Got accused
of over-honking the horn.

Parents come home, like,
"You broke the horn.

We're all gonna die now.
You broke the goddamn horn."

"I don't think
you can over-honk a horn.

Again,
that's what the horn does."

Takes it to his mechanic friend.
Turns out, yeah,

I over-honked the horn.
I got quite--quite angry.

Just like raging in the car.
Like, "Fuck you, Mom and Dad."

Like, honking and just sitting
in the driveway.

"Why are you doing this
to my life?"

Yeah, I broke the car horn.
I have an anger problem.

It's just like my dad.
It's perfect. It's great.

Only time my dad talked to me
when I was home

was when I was napping
or shitting. No other times

he starts speaking to me.
Two times.

"You sleeping?" "Was trying to.

You're screaming
at the door now."

One time I was in the toilet.
"So what's going on today?"

"I'm taking a shit, Pops.
I'm not sure--

I normally do this in silence.
I don't know how you do it."

Man just screams. He sits down,
"Get out of my ass!

Get out of my ass!"

Man does not need
a Squatty Potty.

Slides right out.
Great shits that guy has.

This is why I'm like this.
Is it making sense now?

You're like, "Oh, yeah.
This is why you're psychotic."

- [clapping]
- That's all I want

is that woman to clap
for the rest of the night.

I want nobody else
to give me an applause,

just that one single woman,
and just zoom in on her,

and you guys all
just deadpanned, staring at me.

[audience laughs]

Literally what I want
this whole fucking set.

My dad is a kind man.

I make him sound
like a fucking psychopath.

But he has just, like,
certain things that set him off.

Every time he'd argue
or get annoyed by something,

my mom and sister would say,
"just leave it,"

and I'd be like,
"No, that's fucking annoying."

But I think it's 'cause
I have his exact anger problems.

So I think we both have the--
I'm like--

You know, you're one
of your parents. I'm my dad.

And I just never--He's caring
but in a strange way.

Only good quality
about being at home

was, uh, the old Greek man
in the neighborhood.

Really took a liking
to this one.

They really--
Gus down the street.

Three houses down.
Gus liked what he saw.

Started small. Little waves.

Couple little--little backwards
flirt waves. That how you flirt?

Break your back when you do it.

That was it.
I just fall over right now.

Um, couple of waves,
light pleasantries.

Told him I was leaving.
He got very upset.

He's like, "You know what?
I forgot to tell you

I love a woman who eats.
I'm like, "Gus!"

Gus was 72,
and I would've fucked him.

I'm not joking right now.

It's getting real desperate
for a man's touch.

Would've sucked those old balls
dry as hell. Really would've.

Too much for you guys.
Again, yeah. Okay, great, yeah.

Gotta check in. You're like,
"Yeah. No. No, no. Only her.

Only her the rest of the night."

New neighbor
moved in right away,

and that was the highlight of my
whole time home. It really was.

There was my dad right away,
peeking out the blinds.

He's like,
"Who's this fucking idiot?

Putting out his recycling
two days early.

Now I gotta look at it."

"Well, why you looking
out the window?"

Stop looking out
the goddamn window."

Next day, cuts his lawn.
He goes, "Guy's a fucking goof."

Okay. Bit much.

He's like, "Cutting the lawn
in a diagonal.

I started that."

[audience laughs]

"Excuse me, Pete?"

"I'm the first one
in the neighborhood

that got the grass
on a diagonal.

The guy's a fucking loser."
I'm like, "This is crazy.

Can you hear yourself right now?
All of this is too much."

He's like, "You know what? You
might find him good-looking."

I'm like, "If you hate him
this much, Yeah, I probably do."

He's like, "Your type.

He's, like, stocky,
salt-and-pepper hair,

chiseled jawline."

I'm like,
"Open with the chiseled jawline.

What's happening here?"

I'm like, "Okay." I'm peeking--
I turn to my dad.

I'm peeking out the blinds
for two weeks

trying to find the guy.
Finally see him.

Biggest double chin I've
ever seen in my entire life.

Like, "Do you know what the
word 'chiseled' means, Pete?"

The guy has
the most swollen chin.

He was like a walking
double chin with hives.

I'm like, "What the fuck
you talking about?

Chiseled jawline."

I have a double chin. You can't
have two double chins together.

It's too much.
The wattles are slapping around

when you're kissing.
You can't have that.

I have a big nose. I can't
kiss somebody with a big nose.

Any big nose?
- [WOMAN] Whoo!

- Yes. One person didn't get
a nose job. Thank you.

You can't go in--

When you go in
to kiss a big nose,

you can't have two beaks.
You have to go in on one side,

and you're stuck there
for at least 15 minutes.

It's not like the movies
where you go--[grunting].

You're back and forth.
No, motherfucker.

You're in there--Turn positions.
You'll have to agree on it.

It's a whole situation.

Beaks clanking around. It's
too much. Thank you so much.

[audience laughs]

I think 8 was the first time I
got really bullied for my nose,

and then I started,
like, bullying back,

'cause they were, like--
I don't know.

For some reason,
people are very offended

when you have a big nose.
I was like a very--

They're like, "Toucan Sam."
I'm like, "Yeah,

I didn't put this here. Like,
I didn't fucking make this.

I don't want this. What the hell
you talking about?"

They called me Dante's Peak.
That one was kind of original.

I liked that one. But I would
make fun of the guys back.

They'd call me that, I'm like,
"Yeah, your dick's small.

and gross." And they'd be like,

"Okay. Well, that sucks."

I'm like, "Yeah. How does it
fucking feel, idiot?"

So I think I got, like, funny,
and I'd deflect

and make myself
not feel like an idiot.

As soon as I came back,
I went to Trader Joe's.

Love T.J.'s.
- [MAN] Whoo!

- Where my T.J.'s heads at?
-- Oh, my God.

- [applause]
- Love that place.

Love the people.
Love the aisles.

If you guys are laughing now,
come behind me

in line at Trader Joe's.

I've got some great onion riffs
that are pretty killer.

I won't waste 'em here.
You gotta get behind me.

They're very good riffs.

I love going there.
Everyone's so nice.

Cashing out. Hollywood and Vine.
My favorite place.

See one of the cashiers
waving me down.

I'm like, "He's flirting."

They have to wave. It's part
of the job description.

So I walk up. He's like, "So..."

"So." Really don't know
how to flirt.

Grab the feta I'm buying.
Scans it.

He's like, "You, um, M-A.Y."

He's like,
"You making that dip again?"

I'm like, "Excuse me."

He's like, "The dip.
Are you making it again?"

I don't know what the fuck's
going on right now,

but you used to talk to me.

He's like,
"You came in here a year ago..."

This is real.
"...and told me all about

this lentil, feta,
and bruschetta dip.

I make it at every party.

I'm like, "Are you sucking the
inside of my ass right now, sir?

What the hell
are you talking about?"

I've lived in L.A.
for four and a half years

and haven't been
recognized once.

The only time a man
remembered my face

was over a dip recipe?

[audience laughs]

I forced him to listen
to a Trader Joe's?

Look, I'm meeting men
terribly wrong in this city.

Just start showing up
at open Facebook events.

Like, "You boys hungry?

Mama's got a big vat of dip.

Found this barrel
down by the river."

[audience laughs]

Lot of dip fits inside there.

I got crazy, put a whisper
of thyme. It's near the bottom.

Oh, you're calling the police?
I'll leave. Don't worry.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Take me a while
to get this thing to maneuver."

I love dip. If you gave me
a bunch of dip right now

and the tip of a penis,
I wouldn't have left my house.

I would have stayed home
and just...mwah.

- [audience laughs]
- Again, too far.

Okay, that's fine. Yeah.

No, I feel it when it's too far.
I really do.

No clap from you? Too far.

That's when I know.
- [audience laughs]

- I'm getting it.
It's making sense right now.

My grandparents--yeah, they're
from, uh, Bulgaria.

Have you been there?
Probably not.

It's a repulsive place.

And my dedo, grandfather,

took a boat across, landed,

got a photo sent to my bubba,
grandma, in Bulgaria,

being like, "This is
your husband. Go meet him."

She got on a boat
for another two weeks,

and then they met, and then, uh,
true love. That's how it works.

- Wait. Who arranged it?
Their parents?

- Their parents. Yes. I guess
a couple of goats were traded.

I'm not really sure
of the whole trading.

Um, maybe some goat cheese.
I don't really know

the full backstory
of the trading process, but...

I think I should do
arranged marriages.

I'm fucking struggling
out here, goddamn it.

I think I'd be worth
at least one thick goat,

like one jacked goat
and a full six-pack.

That's for me. That's what I--
I think that'd work.

A year ago today, I emceed
my best friend's wedding.

Always the emcee,
never the bride.

That's a saying, right?

I've been the emcee five times,

and I've been
the best man twice.

These aren't jokes. These are
real things I'm saying out loud.

Never been a bridesmaid.
That's a real fact.

I'm always up there
with the boys--the groomsmen.

I'm putting them in headlocks,
giving them noogies.

You know,
messing about with the boys.

All the girls complain about
having that bridesmaid's dress

they can't wear again.
Like, "When am I gonna wear

this beautiful,
flowing teal dress again?"

I'm like, "Try having
two ill-fitted blue suits

in your closet. Huh?"

A lot of times I'm going out
in the night on the town

with this oversized suit
with shoulder pads.

Moths are having a time
with those right now.

It was a lesbian wedding,
which is great. It was outside.

So you legally had to camp
at the end of the night.

You had to sign a waiver when
you walked in. It was outside.

You guys ever been
to an outside wedding before?

There's literally no ceiling.
You get pretty fucked up.

You get pretty twisted.

I like to get high. I like to
have fun. A couple of edibles.

I'm a fun gal. Too many edibles
maybe. Who cares?

Very prepared stoner, though.

I put a box of crackers
in my tent.

I'm not screwing around.
I know my crackers.

Asiago. Sun-dried tomato.

I'm not fucking--I like a bit
of grit on my fingers

after I have a cracker.

4:00 in the morning
rolls around.

Very excited to get
this box going.

Thought about it all night.

I crawl in very high.

I'm like,
"Here we go. Party time."

Open the box. Very loud crinkle.

Loudest box I've ever heard.

I'm so high. I'm like,
"Everyone's gonna hear me alone,

eating this box of crackers."

So I just panicked
and put one in at a time

until it got soft enough,

just to massage it
down my throat.

Like a sad, wet eel.
I had no water.

I don't wanna brag,
but I ate the whole box.

I have a very large wet throat.
Do guys like that? I'm not sure.

- [man laughs]
- When I say that.

One guy. Thank you.
You two should get together.

The clapping table.
That's what I need.

It was very sports heavy.
I was lacrosse in high school,

and then I played
Australian rules football,

uh, after high school.

Made the Canadian team.
Don't wanna brag,

but it is my biggest brag.
Yes, I did.

I would break a rib--
at least every game.

All my fingers were jammed.
Oh, yeah.

It's just a mouth guard,
so it's full tackle.

There's this one level,
like a lower level

where we get to, like,
actually play games with men.

Oh, I would tackle the fuck
out of those guys,

and they'd get so pissed off.
One guy almost gave me

a concussion 'cause he got
so mad that I tackled him

he came after me from behind.
He got kicked out of the game.

But, um, it's very fun
to throw a man to the ground

and then just kind of laugh
in their face and then run away.

I have issues. I don't know.
I think I hate men sometimes.

Get quite lonely out here.

I got a dog. I know. Thank you.

- [ applause ]
- No. It's fine.

You're gonna stop clapping.
I got a golden retriever.

- [AUDIENCE] Aw!
- Of course I didn't adopt her.

That's where I lose Los Angeles.
I know you're very upset.

I know. I did not--I'm sorry.

They're perfect animals. You
can't adopt a golden retriever.

She's beautiful.
I love her so much.

Every morning
when I peel back her face,

kiss her lips,
and put it back together,

I would wear her skin
like a cloak

if I could right now.
I love her so much.

It gets worse. She's an English
cream golden retriever.

So she's all white. So she's
a piece of shit. She really is.

I almost named her Karen.
Could you imagine

if I had a white dog
running around named Karen?

Head of the KKK, the dog sector.

Thank God
I named her Susan. Whoo.

Really dodged a bullet
on that one.

I know. Susan. I know.

It is really fun at dog parks
to be like, "Sue..."

get in the car,' and everyone
thinks I'm like a mean dad.

It's really great.
I really love it.

I love her so much.
She's perfect in every way.

But when you don't--
When you buy a dog--

Kill me now. I don't care.

When you buy a dog,
uh, things happen.

They have a lot of issues
when you're overbreeding.

So Susan has medical problems.

She's had a very big surgery,
so it's very upsetting.

She has something medically--

I don't know exactly
how they put it,

but it's like
a big, fat vagina.

- [audience laughs]
- And, um...

This is real.
I'm not making this up at all.

Susan has a hooded labia,
so she gets--

You guys are all very--
It's gonna get much worse.

This is scary right now.
So it needs to get surgery.

So I wanna go in with her. Like,
"I'll get what she's having."

You know what I mean?
Like mother, like daughter.

"I wanna look like my dog." And
they'll be like, "Does it hurt?"

And then we'll both
open our legs.

"Oh, that's your daughter."
"Yes, that's her."

Both have big vaginas.

She's great.
I love her so much, though.

I will pay for the surgery.
But she, oh,

she loves that vagina.

Ooh, boy!
She eats that pussy every day.

It's her favorite thing to do.
I'm gonna tell you right now

I don't need an alarm anymore.
I wake up to her--[grunting]

She goes to town on this thing.

Wow. She loves that thing.
She really does.

I had a guy over for quarantine.

He's going down on me,
and I hear her.

She's like, "Time to shine."
So she starts going at it.

And I wanted to be like,
"I think you should take a peek

at what she's doing,
'cause it sounds a lot better

than what you're doing
right now.

Look behind the curtain,
buddy boy.

I think she's got
the right idea."

She loves--She's probably
just sucking it back right now

like a--[laughs] It's a lot.
It is a lot.

You guys are more scared
than you should be. It's fine.

[audience laughs]

Horses love me, though.
I don't know what it is.

Horses are really obsessed
with me.

I've given
two separate horses boners

at two different times
in my life

just by talking to them. I'll
go, "Look at the little horsey,"

and it--[grunts] That's a lot.

- [audience laughs]
- Horses love me. Men don't.

I gotta start hanging out
in fields. I'm hanging out

at the wrong spots.
- Aw!

- You guys have horses?
Too far again.

Stop with the "awwing."
Goddamn it. "Aw!"

I'm getting laid tonight
by two guys.

So don't worry about it.
It's gonna be fine.

[ applause ]

Clap it up.

We can use this in other places.

[ applause ]

Early on in high school,
I wanted to act.

And, uh, I tried
to get into acting programs,

so I auditioned
for, like, I think four,

and I got denied
from all of them.

And then my drama teacher
was like, "Okay,

well, there's
this comedy program.

Maybe you should try that,
'cause you see more

like a comedic actress.
I go, "Okay."

Then I got into it, and it was
the only thing I got into,

so I was like, "Okay,
I guess I'm doing this now.

I'm not a serious actress

even though
that's what I planned."

I broke quar, and I had
intercourse with a man.

The numbers are a lot,
like, lower in Canada,

so you all can relax.

I was trying to quarantine with
my parents, and then they

were rubbing shoulders with
Ed and Sue and Jim and Cheryl.

I'm like, "If you guys are
literally at the pontoon

partying, I'm getting my clit
sucked off.

I'm sorry about that."

I'm up on Tinder.
I'm flopping around.

I match with a guy who said
we used to do improv together.

I'm like, "Don't open
with that. That's not good."

Nobody wants to fuck
an improvisor.

No and I really didn't
want that.

So I was like, "You know
what, It's better if you kind

of know somebody."
He comes over to

my parents' house.
He explains to me that he's,

uh, polyamorous, in an open
thing. He's a yoga master.

And he's trained in tantric.

Anybody else had sex
with a tantric boy before?

- [MAN] Whoo!
- Have you?

Okay. Well, good. Great.
- [audience laughs]

- It's uh, I'm like, "This is
a lot. Let's try this out.

This seems like something
I wanna try right now.

He comes over,
and I'm very tense.

Haven't been with nobody
for a while.

So I lie down. He's like,
"Okay, just, uh, you seem tense.

Let's start with a breast
massage." I'm like...

You guys are all okay with that?

It seems very strange for me.
I'm like, "It seems odd."

I'm thinking it's gonna be
like a sexual thing.

I lie out. It's not sexual.
It's an actual breast--

Like, he's, like, kneading
and, like, twisting and, like--

It's like I had two knobs.

I'm like, "Can we not twist
those things off?

You can just stay
on the body right now."

I'm like, "We gotta stop."
The breast massage is over.

He's like, "Let's do
some breathing exercises.

You seem very tense."
I'm like, "I am tense 'cause you

almost twisted my fucking nipple
right off of my body."

He's like, "Lie out,
and now we're gonna breathe in

through your vagina
and out through the mouth.

I'm like, "I'm gonna
stop you there, buddy.

I know you're
trained in tantric,

but there's no lungs down there.

It's not a lot of air
coming in the hole.

He keeps doing it. I'm like,
"I'm done. Let's stop, please,"

and he's like, "Okay, I'll let
you know I'm very into consent.

So when you ask me things
or I ask you things,

it's a big turn-on for me,"
and I'm like,

"I'm used to being choked
and thrown out windows.

This is a lot. We gotta take
this slow right now.

It seems a bit much for me."
So we start making out.

He's like, "May I kiss you?"
"Yes, you may. Yes, and?"

He was like,
"Okay, may I--may I proceed?"

I'm like, "This is so much."
So we start getting into it.

It's a lot.
So he's on top of me.

He's like, "I should
let you know I'm train--"

Again, he's trained in tantric.
He's like, "So I can orgasm

without ejaculating." I'm like,
"Never heard that before."

He's like, "I went to school
for two years."

Seems to be a bit long
to go to school for something.

[grunting]
What are these classes?

I don't know
what these classes are.

Seems very strange.

So we're getting into it,
and he's on top,

and he's like,
"So when one comes,

you have to be very still,
and then it'll happen.

I'm like, "All right.
We've come this far."

So we're going, and he's like,
"Okay, one's coming. Lie still."

I'm like, "Here we go." So I'm
lying there like an idiot,

and he's like...

This is fucking real.
I wish this wasn't.

[wailing]

And starts having an exorcism
on top of my body.

Like, his eyes are rolled back.

This--I'm laughing
in this man's mouth right now.

Like, this is fucking psychotic.

Five minutes of just...

This is--
"I can't. You must stop this."

And then he just stops
and goes, "Okay."

I'm like, "Okay?
What do you mean, okay?"

That was a very big performance

for nothing
to come out right now.

Does that four times.

Why am I still allowing
this happens?

It was the last time
he, like, finished--finished.

It's not finished. It's whatever
the fuck he's doing.

Stops, and he's, like,
whispering in my ear.

And I'm like, "Okay, you better
get dirty at some point,

'cause this is a bit too nice
for me."

And he's like...[grunts]
"Thank you."

I'm like, "Get the fuck out.
You know what?

I did not give you consent.

No. No, thank you.
Get the fuck out.

Take your soap.
Get the hell out of here."

Thanks so much, guys.
Sorry I scared you all.

Thank you!

[cheers and applause]

- [MAN] Steph Tolev, everybody.
Give a round of applause.

♪

- What do you love about comedy?

- I think I feel
in charge and in control,

and I like that feeling
of, like--

You almost feel like you're
invincible for a second.

Well, the first time I did it,
I said, "Oh, I'm so bad."

I'm like,
"I can't stay this bad.

Like, this is garbage."
I was like,

"I don't want people to hate me
like that. I don't--"

So it makes me work way harder.

And that feeling when you crush,

I've--I've never felt that
in any other, like--

Orgasming or whatever.
This isn't a good comparison.

But, like, there's no other time
when you get onstage

and you have that fucking full
crush. You're like--[inhales]

It's like you can't feel that
until you're up there.

It's like--
You chase that feeling.

That's all you want
is to feel that constantly.

♪