Original subtitles

I think this is how you wear it, right?

Did everyone get sexual harassment training before this?

Because it's all gonna go out the window with me!

What's up? Who wants to get fingered? Get in line.

How's Cleavage, Ohio? How's--

Early on, my husband was like, "So, do you ever turn it off?"

Why don't you just sit with me on the couch?

I don't think they would-- They can fix it in post.

And I said, "No."

***

MIKE: When I was wrestling, I was so worried about winning

instead of like, "I'm gonna go out there,

and I'm gonna take a--and I'm gonna tear into this guy.

I'm just gonna go at him." With that mentality.

You know, it's like going on stage and being like,

"I wanna kill, I wanna kill, I wanna kill."

It's like--Instead of just going up there, being in the moment,

and taking joke by joke by joke and then just building it.

KIRA: I don't feel like I'm turning anything on.

This is just me.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism.

Maybe it's years of, like, wanting to be a people pleaser.

This is just me. I will crack jokes during sex.

***

MAN: Put your hands together, Burbank,

for the very funny Kira Soltanovich.

[cheering]

Keep going!

Keep going! Keep going!

- [cheering continues] - Keep clapping.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, my gosh. We're doing it.

- [cheering] - We're living on the edge!

- [audience laughs] - This is exciting.

You got your masks on. Good. I'm not wearing underwear.

So it works out. It works out. - [audience laughs]

Even. Perfectly. Good. I like it.

Thanks for coming, guys. This is gr--

You're sitting next to fire. Fantastic.

Yes, everyone's--everyone's doing something dangerous.

- [audience laughs] - I love it.

This is--Look, I have a little bit of a Covid baby bump going.

Just a little. It's not a real baby. It's a Covid baby.

- [audience laughs] - It--It looks like a real baby.

Trust me, I'm sucking in right now.

I got enough Spanx on to choke out anybody in here.

I could commit murder with this Spanx, the amount--

I've duct taped--I mean, I might as well have testicles

'cause I have duct taped everything.

Just up and back. It's fine. I'm gonna suck it in.

You guys are gonna be okay. You're getting a profile shot.

It's all right. You might see a little peek.

A little peek.

Here's the thing. I don't have a baby in here.

And recently, a woman in line at the grocery store

said, "When are you due?"

- AUDIENCE: Ohh! - Aah! Wha--

"What? This is--This is cheeseburgers."

- [audience laughs] - "What are you talking about?"

And she thought I was joking, right?

And she's like, "What are you gonna name it?"

"Wendy's." - [audience laughs]

What if I wasn't a comic? What would I do?

Like, I could never give someone their lab results

if they had cancer. Like, what am I--Right?

I would be fucking insane if I was a doctor.

I would--I would give them, like, the wrong results.

I would give 'em, like, "Hey, guys. Sorry. Bad news.

Uh, we got your tests back, and you are positively negative.

Whoo! Uh-uh-uh!" [imitating gunshots]

Like, I would be such a dick.

I would be a douche. I don't know what I could do.

I would be inappropriate as any other job.

I'm in lockdown with my kids and my husband,

and, uh, I would've done none of those things

if I knew this was my future. - [audience laughs]

This was not in my wedding vows.

"I promise to hold you and keep you

and sequester with you and quarantine

and look at your face every day."

[audience laughs]

Every day. I have two kids.

I have a 9-year-old boy and a 5-year-old little girl.

Boys are easier. Yes? Yes. - WOMAN: Yeah.

Who has kids? Who? You guys.

Everyone here pulls out? What's happening. Come on.

- [audience laughs] - Yell it through your masks.

Who has kids? - WOMAN: Yeah!

- [cheering] - Good.

Angry people are with me. Good. -[audience laughs]

Boys are easier. Here's why.

Uh, you can talk to a boy about his man parts, right?

You don't have to, like-- You don't have to give it

like, a cutesy little euphemism.

You know, like, all my friends with little girls,

they all have, like, a nickname. "In our house,

we just--we call it a zim-zam. [laughs]

We just--You know, in our house, we call it a lolly-lolly

or a slip-slap-sloop or..." [babbling]

Don't do that, all right? Don't--Don't do that.

Just use the real words. It's important.

I told my son when he was very little.

I said, "You have a penis. That's what you have."

And he said, "Mommy, where's your penis?"

[audience laughs]

I said, "In my purse. Don't go through Mommy's stuff."

- [audience laughs] - MAN: Whoo!

"That's Mommy's stuff."

You can name a boy anything. It doesn't matter.

Whatever--Whatever you want.

Just--Any name is strong and powerful.

"We're gonna call him Mic Stand.

It's--[grunts] It's a warrior's name."

Go try and name a girl. Try. Try.

Ah, impossible.

Every girl's name sounds like a whore. A whore!

All my friends, right, they have daughters.

Savannah. Savannah.

Madison. Madison.

[audience laughs]

Give your daughter a whore's name.

We decided to go old-school biblical with our daughter.

We named her Mary Magdalene, so...

[audience laughs]

That's a long way to go, firepit, for a Jesus joke.

You better laugh it up.

[audience laughs]

Uh, my kids don't listen to me. They don't listen.

They don't listen. They won't...get in the car.

Just--Just get in the car.

They won't. They walk around the car, right?

Like, every kid has, like, a--a thing they do,

like they're renting it from Hertz.

You know, they're walking around, checking it.

I'm like, "Get in the car." They're kicking the wheels.

"Get in the car." - [audience laughs]

Five times a day, it looks like I'm abducting my own children.

"I'll give you candy. Get in the van. Get in the van."

[audience laughs]

I have a minivan. Can you guys tell that I'm angry?

What's happening? Can you guys tell I drive a minivan?

It's nice, too. It's a nice car.

Look, they have their own video--

Like, their own screen comes down.

Headphones. It's like they're traveling first class, right?

Like, first class. They get a movie.

They're watching a movie. They get snacks.

And they're like, "Next snack, please."

All I'm doing is just passing snacks.

I'm just driving.

"A new song, please." I'm deejaying.

I'm deejaying as I'm passing snacks and fruit.

"New movie." I'm putting a movie in

and driving and deejaying.

It's like I'm a flight attendant

just walking down the aisle of the minivan.

"Chicken or beef. Chicken or beef."

[audience laughs]

They treat me like a flight attendant.

We get to our destination. They won't get out of the van.

"We're here. Get out. Let's go."

They won't. They won't-- They won't get out.

So I'm like, you know what "You're gonna treat me like

I work at United?" I drag 'em. I drag 'em out.

I drag 'em out. "Bye-bye."

[applause]

So you do have kids. You do. Some of you.

How old are your kids? Who raised--

You guys raised your hand? How old are your kids?

- WOMAN: I have a 7-year-old. - A 7-year-old. Boy or girl.

- Boy. - Boy. Yeah. Good. Right?

It's easier. Yes. - Not so much.

Not so much? All right. We're not gonna get into it. Relax.

[audience laughs]

Felt like I was at one of my Positive Parenting classes.

[audience laughs]

Here's the thing. I am an immigrant, right?

Any other immigrants in the hizzouse?

- Whoo! - Whoo!

That is too many. Too--

Where is that wall? Where is it?

[audience laughs]

I was born in the former Soviet Union.

Right? Yes? Some of you guys look young.

You might have to Google it. - [audience laughs]

When you leave the Soviet Union in the '70s,

there is one train-- there's one train

that leaves the Ukraine.

And so everyone knows if you're on this train,

you're leaving, like, for good.

So it's usually Jews--it's usually Jews that are leaving.

And so the non-Jews would line up at the train station

and throw garbage at you as you're leaving.

Just imagine, like, my mom, like, bobbing and weaving.

And they get on this train,

and garbage is being thrown at her.

And just as we get into our little, you know, room--

I'm little. I'm just--You know, I'm, like, not even 2 years old.

Um, I started to go to the bathroom.

This is before diapers.

And I am pooping.

And my mom's like, "We have a 12-hour train ride.

What am I gonna do with this?" So I poop in her hands.

- [man laughs] - She unrolls the window,

and she throws my shit

at the people who just threw garbage at us.

So you know where Russia-- Right. Russia. Yes.

You know what I'm talking about. We're back, guys.

We're back. - [audience laughs]

We're the bad guys again. Yeah!

I love it. I love it.

It's like "Rocky IV" all over again.

You guys think the Russians hacked the election?

What do you guys think? - MAN: Yeah.

They did. They did. I was there at the meetings. They did it.

I voted nyet. They didn't listen to me.

We should be concerned. I was raised by Russians.

Let me tell you. We should all be worried.

They're aggressive people. They're scary--

My entire childhood, I was, like, on edge, right?

'Cause everything my parents said--

It didn't matter what it was.

It all came out just violent.

[Russian accent] "Happy birthday!" "What the hell?"

[audience laughs]

"Am I in trouble?"

[angrily] "We love you very much."

That's not how you use those words.

I made the mistake

of allowing my Soviet mother in the room with me

as I was having babies.

Big mistake. - [audience laughs]

Big mi--She criticized everything I was going through

in modern-day America

and compared it to what she went through in the USSR.

"Oh, you have baby in hospital. Okay, excuse me, big shot."

[audience laughs]

"Okay, okay.

I have baby on a bus. - [audience laughs]

And I am driving this bus.

[audience laughs]

I'm begging my mom now that, like, you know--

I don't want her to go to the grocery store. Right?

I'm like, "Mom, just stay home.

I will do your shopping for you, right?

Don't stand in line at the grocery store."

"I like it. It's nostalgia for me.

I like it. - [audience laughs]

It's memory lane to stand in line for food.

It feels...like my youth." - [audience laughs]

My house wasn't fun to hang out in.

First of all, Russian food is not fun. There's nothing fun.

Like, nobody's like, "Ah, let's open up your fridge."

It's not--It's not like that Sunny D commercial.

You know, like, "Eh, what do you got, purple stuff?"

It was like-- Open up the fridge,

it's like, "Hey, you got a fish eye just floating

in a fucking jar. What? What?"

My friends never came over for, like, snacks.

But here's what was different in my house.

My parents did not lock up any alcohol.

Not only did they not lock it up,

they actually invited us.

"Please to come to sit down. Everybody get vodka." You know.

And I would tell my mom, like, "That's not appropriate,"

and she'd like, "You're not appropriate.

If you don't drink vodka, what is your purpose in life?

Why you live?"

I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs.

I didn't smoke. I was--You know,

like, little things here and there, but not a bad kid.

I wasn't--All my other friends were like...

Ahh-ahh-ahh! They're like...[sniffing]

Ahh-ahh-ahh! "Put it in me! Just every--

Ahh!" Beer. Beer bongs. Upside-down beer bongs.

Like, all the penises, right?

And I was sober. I drove everyone home.

I was safe. And that really bugged my parents.

I remember driving too slowly for my mom when I was 16.

"You drive so slow. We have to go, go, go." Right.

Like, They were always pissed at me for following rules.

I live in L.A., and all the parents I hang out with

are all, like, crunchy granola, right?

And I'm trying so hard,

but I have this angry Soviet inside of me

that I'm constantly pushing down.

Do you know how hard it is?

You never wanna go full Soviet in public.

And I'm just push-- Like, "Just get down.

It's not nice to yell." -[audience laughs]

So, yeah, I'm taking classes. I'm taking--

It's called Positive Parenting.

Right? And I'm taking classes.

Because here's what they teach you. They teach you, like,

"When your kids are at Target

on the floor losing their shit..."

[audience laughs]

"...here's what you do. You don't yell.

We don't yell. We don't yell. Here's what you do.

You just--You do a warrior-- a warrior pose.

- [audience laughs] - Just--

You just open your chakras."

What? Yeah, in the middle of Target--"Omm. Omm."

My kids are losing their mind, and I'm just, "Omm."

And then you get down on their level.

This is what they teach you. And you talk to them.

"Hey, buddy.

Hey, fr-friend."

[audience laughs]

You have to call your kid friend!

"Hey, friend.

Are you having f-f-feelings?"

[audience laughs]

"Are you having feelings in Target?"

And then I feel the Russian, right?

And I go, "No. Olga, no. Get down.

It's not nice. Be nice. - [audience laughs]

It's hard. 'Cause normally what I'd do in that situation--

My kids are losing their minds

'cause I won't buy them something. Right?

Here's what I normally do. I get down on their level.

I think that's nice, right? And then I speak to them

in a lower satanic register of my voice.

[audience laughs]

[deep voice] "Get the fuck off the floor."

[laughter and applause]

"I will drag you out of here...

friend."

[audience laughs]

I was beaten severely as a child.

I could crack my dad up, so he never hit me.

Then I remember my mom did.

My mom--Like, she was good. She medaled.

I think she--[laughs]

she--she came in gold or silver a few times.

She was just good at it. It suit her. She was a natural.

[laughs] She just-- I don't know. I don't know.

Look, what's interesting to me now is--

She is not doing well. I'm taking care of her now.

So you don't even know

how hard it is to pivot like that, right,

and be like, "Oh, okay. Who's vulnerable now?" Right?

But I'm, you know--

I am very sensitive to her situation.

She doesn't feel, you know, the same, right?

She's, like, older and feels weak and--

So I'm kind of giving myself a pat on the back

that I'm doing as good of a job as I am, right,

for being smacked around.

But, honestly, like, I would be really curious

to see how many comics weren't.

It's hard. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard.

And people are like, "Well, how are you keeping it alive,

like, during the lockdown?

How to you keep it alive with your marriage?"

You don't! You don't. You don't. You don't.

And anyone who is telling you they are is lying. Lying.

[audience laughs]

How are you gonna keep it alive

when all I'm doing is just, "Put on your shoes.

Put on your shoes! You like that?

You like when I yell at your children?

You like when I'm screaming and yelling at your kids,

your offspring?"

- [audience laughs] - MAN: Yeah! Whoo!

I'm trying to lose weight. It's hard.

But yet my husband, oh, he has no concern.

Here's the thing. Guys get to have a dad bod.

Dad bod. "Look at how sexy he is."

Right? I saw a magazine cover.

Like, "Ben Affleck. Look at his dad bod."

What? He didn't do anything. - [audience laughs]

- That's neglect. - [audience laughs]

What are you talking about?

"But look at his--his flat ass and--and misshapen nipples.

Dad bod." - [audience laughs]

Where's my magazine cover? Where's mom bod?

I want them to... "Look. She still looks pregnant.

Mom bod. - [audience laughs]

Look. Her varicose veins start spelling words--

'help me. Help me.'

Mom bod.

When she sneezes, breast milk still shoots out."

- [audience laughs] - MAN: Whoo!

Why isn't that celebrated?

I wish that last one wasn't true. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So we're trying new stuff, right,

to, like, keep, you know, the marriage alive.

It's hard now. The other day we French kissed.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Ooh! I know.

Well, I tripped on a Lego while he was yawning.

- [audience laughs] - But...

I'm gonna count that.

[audience laughs]

Everybody has to do one of three things

during this lockdown, right?

You have to adopt a rescue animal.

You're a dick if you don't adopt.

You gotta make sourdough bread.

I don't know who-- I don't make these up.

And you gotta plant a garden. We did the garden.

We're doing a garden in our backyard. Right?

I'm churning butter. I'm growing out my beard.

We're Amish. We're Amish now. - [audience laughs]

I call my husband Jebediah,

and I just walk around the house, "No zippers!"

[audience laughs]

Uh, he's trying to be supportive of my weight-loss goals. Right?

So for my birthday, uh, he got me a scale.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. Yeah, you should-- That's--That's terrible.

- [audience laughs] - And I was mortified.

For his birthday next year, I'm gonna give him a ruler.

- [audience laughs] - WOMAN: Yeah!

[ applause ]

See how you like it.

My 9-year-old is not nice to his little sister.

He's not. He's a dick. He is. He's--

I'm sorry. Is that bad? Can I--

Are we not allowed to speak the truth? No?

No? Yeah? Sweet nuts, what say you? Do you--

- Absolutely. - Absolutely.

You're delicious. Um... - [audience laughs]

He gets out of the bathtub, right?

Walks over to his little sister and just...boop.

Teabags-- Teabags his sister. Teabags.

[audience laughs]

Oh, You're on my side now. Good.

I was like, "Don't teabag your sister."

But I said the words, and he goes,

"What's teabag?"

[audience laughs]

"When two people love each other..."

[audience laughs]

Everyone's so up in arms about this millenn--

Like, the Tinder generation.

That they can't, like, stop hanging out and partying.

Everyone's like, "How dare you?" Really? Are you that surprised

from a generation of kids who swipe one time

and they're fingering each other in an Applebee's parking lot?

You're that surprised that they can't socially distance?

Here's the thing. My kids have allergies.

Yes? No? Anyone here? Yeah? We can talk about it?

What's your allergy, cardigan? What's happening?

- WOMAN: Everything. - Everything.

Why are you here? You could die.

You could die here tonight.

[audience laughs]

I tried to, like, ask my parents, right?

Like, I call them. It's impossible

to get information out of Russians.

I'm like, "Mom, uh, when I was little,

did I have any allergies?"

[Russian accent] "Who knows?"

[audience laughs]

"What do you mean, who knows?

You. That's your job."

"Ah, we--we don't pay attention

to these things in Russia.

That's only in this country.

Allergies. Allergies. - [audience laughs]

If I wait in line seven hours for peanuts,

you're going to eat these peanuts."

[audience laughs]

You can't ask them anything,

because they don't remember anything.

I asked my dad, "What was my first day of kindergarten like?"

And he's like, "Why? Who do you work for? Who sent you?"

[audience laughs]

I ask him, like, any medical stuff.

"Did I have the chicken pox?"

"Ah, one day you stopped breathing."

"What? - [audience laughs]

What? That's..."

I'm sweating like I'm immigrating all over again.

You guys are okay? I can just do this?

- [crickets chirping] - They're gonna cut--

They're gonna cut the crickets out, hopefully.

Jesus. I've never been heckled by critters before.

[audience laughs]

Here's the thing. Uh, for those of you

that don't have kids, congrats.

Um... - [audience laughs]

But I didn't know anything about kids before I had them.

Right? Like, I had no idea.

I was so oblivious.

I remember once I was at this hotel pool.

Right? And this adorable 4-year-old,

like, jumps in the water.

Right? So all I said was,

"Wow. You are such a good swimmer. What a big boy."

This kid looked in my eyes, and he was like, "Stranger danger!"

[audience laughs]

So, you know, I love kids, right?

So I said, "You shut the fuck up."

[audience laughs]

But he's just screaming, "Stranger danger!"

So I slowly put my bathing suit back on.

- [audience laughs] - You guys, thank you so much.

[cheering]

***

- Oh, thanks. Enjoy. - You were good.

I was sweating. Shouldn't have worn a sweater.

Really?

If I can make strangers smile,

just random people, that, to me, is such a high.

That's the high that we chase. Not just in a comedy club.

Like, I just-- I was fucking around

with the guy that took my temperature, you know.

It's like...have fun.

***

When I wrestled, I couldn't get myself in a state

to go and compete at a high level,

and I regret that. And now in stand-up,

I'm taking the opportunity right before you go on

mentally getting yourself ready to go out there and perform.

MAN: Put your hands together for the very funny Mike Vecchione.

[cheers and applause]

***

Thank you guys so much for having me.

- MAN: Whoo! - Thank you.

It's great to be in L.A.

I, uh, flew in from New York,

so, uh, I did risk my life for this.

I'm very happy to have, uh, risked my life.

So thank you for having me. And what a beautiful setup it is.

We're doing this outside, for those of you at home,

uh, in the mountains, so that's kind of nice.

Uh, we're avoiding Covid,

but we could be attacked by wolves at any time.

I think I did my research on this, okay?

Wolves can come out of the darkness at any time.

The setup is great.

Um, these lights, I mean, they may appear to be lights,

but, uh, they're actually taking your temperature

throughout the show. And if any of you guys go above, uh, 99,

um, we throw you into the mountains, okay,

and we--we let the wolves, uh, take a shot at you. Okay?

[audience laughs]

Um, I don't know.

I think we should talk about the pandemic that's happening.

I think right off the back-- I know

it might not be, uh, the responsible thing to do, but...

What do we know about it? What do we know about Covid-19?

Um, we know it's from China, so it works.

- [audience laughs] - Um...

I wasn't a natural wrestler. I had to work very hard,

and I was good for my area when I, you know--

when I was in high school. But during the tournaments--

It's humiliating to get pinned in a gymnasium full of people,

and, uh, I was not good at dealing with failure.

I was not good at figuring out

how to fail and how to come back from it.

Now if--if I fail, I know more.

So it's like, "Oh, this is the nature of things."

So I get up and a joke doesn't work,

it's like, "Okay, I got to tweak it. I have to work it."

You know, I take the loss,

and you just recoup and figure out another way.

It's not life-stopping.

But back then, I didn't have that perspective,

so I was, like, devastated by every loss and every failure.

Who do I blame for the pandemic, guys?

'Cause, uh, I'm an Italian,

and, uh, we're not good at fixing things.

Uh, we're good at blaming people for things.

In my family anyway. We did a good job of blaming people.

Uh, so who do I blame for the pandemic?

The people who wanted to get rid of straws.

- [audience laughs] - Where are those heroes?

Where are those heroes right now?

"Get rid of the straws. Get rid of the straws.

You're killing the turtles. Get rid of the straws."

Fine. The straws are gone.

Now we're putting our mouths on everything.

We're walldogging everything with our mouths,

and now we all have the coronavirus.

And are the turtles helping us now that we're dying?

[audience laughs]

Mine isn't, Harvey Weinstein. - AUDIENCE: Ohh!

I named him before the scandal, guys. Okay?

He's got his head in the shell, quarantining.

Probably mumbling ethnic slurs.

No. 'Cause turtles are 100, guys. Okay?

You don't think they're mumbling slurs,

you've got your head in the sand. All right?

I'm 100% Italian. That's never helped me in my life.

I thought it was gonna be pretty special when I was 10,

but it turns out no one cares. - [audience laughs]

The only time I tell people now is when I give blood.

'Cause they're like, "What's your blood type?"

I'm like, "It's funny you should ask. 100% Italian."

They're like, "That's not at all what we mean."

- [audience laughs] - I'm like, "It's what I mean,

'cause I want my blood to go to somebody eating,

yelling, or holding a grudge for no reason."

'Cause that's what Italians are good at.

And gambling. Losing at gambling.

My father had a gambling problem.

He lost our house when I was 11.

But he didn't come home and say, "I lost the house."

He came home and said, "Mike, how would you like

to go camping forever?" - [audience laughs]

That's what he called it when he lost, guys--camping forever.

There's no help for gamblers.

There's one sign as you drive into Las Vegas.

It says, "Gambling problem? Please call this number."

That's ineffective.

It should at least say, "Gambling problem?

I bet you won't call this number."

That'll be more effective, you know,

because these people have a gambling problem.

- [ applause ] - Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. You guys are too kind.

My father was, uh-- Because his father--

Um, he was, uh, bipolar but wasn't diagnosed at the time.

So, um, the way our family dynamic was

is my--my father was loving but volatile.

He was emotional and volatile-- all over--

And that's for good and for bad. But my mother was the anchor.

No matter how volatile it got. And it got volatile at times.

When I was 40, we got into an argument,

and we didn't talk for a year.

And, um, when we finally talked, and he wouldn't--

he refused to apologize to me, and he was clearly out of line.

And, uh-- But he did say something

that clarified things for me.

And he said, "If you would've had my upbringing,

you would be in jail or on drugs or dead by now."

So that gave me some perspective on where he came from.

And that's his way of saying, "Look, man,

I'm already operating so far over my head

that you don't even understand."

That snapped it into focus for me a little bit,

and I was like, "Okay, this isn't that big of a deal."

I was in Las Vegas performing before the dark times,

and, uh, I had gotten food poisoning.

And as you guys know there are no doctors in Las Vegas,

so I had to go to a magician, and, uh, he would not help me

because he was too busy sawing a woman in half.

Which I think is wrong, ladies. Women are people.

You guys don't deserve that.

You don't deserve to be sawed in half.

I'll stand my ground on that one.

- [audience laughs] - You guys do not deserve

to be sawed in half.

Feminism, ladies. You're killing it. Great job.

WOMAN: Whoo!

But there are some problems with feminism.

Female teachers are having sex with their male students,

and I think it's wrong.

I think it's wrong because I never got to fuck my teachers.

Okay? I was not good-looking enough

to have sex with my teachers.

I had to have sex with who? The crossing guard.

No. No. I had consensual sex with the crossing guard.

You can't have nonconsensual sex

with a crossing guard, guys.

'Cause even if she says no and you don't hear it,

she has a sign that says "stop."

[cheers and applause]

It's a hard time for the ladies right now.

I'll say it. It's a hard time for women.

But you know who else it's a hard time for, ladies?

Good men. We're on the defensive.

My sister called me last night.

She's like, "What did you do today?" I'm like,

"Well, I didn't rape. I'll tell you that much.

That's what I didn't do." - [audience laughs]

Ladies, we're trying to get better,

but you have to have patience with us.

We're trying to be better men. You know?

I read this article. The police in Florida found a severed penis

on the side of the road with a condom on it.

I'm like, "Wow. That guy was worried about the wrong things."

[audience laughs]

Gotta give us some time, ladies.

I played football and wrestled,

and both of those sports really humble you.

I love football. I love the contact of it now.

I don't know if it's the connection

between, "Hey, if I run head first into somebody,

not only is he gonna feel it, I'm gonna feel it."

So that becomes very real at a very young age.

And I think if you don't have that,

you just kinda get lost in the fantasies

of, like, "I'm Spider-Man," "I'm Batman." It's like--

It's nice to have those fantasies when you're young,

but they come crashing down

when you realize when you run into somebody, it's--

You're gonna feel it, they're gonna feel it.

So I think if we had, you know, more of that,

probably we would have less people

just saying things they don't mean

or just hurting people without realizing what they're doing.

This better work out for me, guys.

I'm not just talking about this step in my career.

'Cause I'm, uh-- [clears throat]

I--I would not be able to get a job.

And a lot of people are like,

"Oh, you don't think you have the skills?"

I'm like, "I don't know what the jobs are."

When I got out of high school,

there were five jobs you could have--five you could've had.

There was a band called the Village People.

[audience laughs]

Those were your job choices.

I was an Indian chief from 1991 to 1995.

Okay, guys? That's what I'm talking about, millennials.

I went to school for criminal justice at Penn State.

Uh, four years to get the degree.

And then I got out and wasn't sure what I wanted to do.

I, uh, tried to get into law school, and I didn't get in.

My LSATs weren't high enough. So I'm like, "Okay, that's--

I'm not supposed to go to law school."

So I was in the Philadelphia area,

and, uh--and I started working

with, uh, gang kids-- and, uh--at a school.

If you read the case histories of some of these kids, man,

it'll break your heart. I mean, my childhood,

you know, it wasn't perfect.

But, I mean, I'm looking at other people's hist--

They were always in my corner. They always had my back.

There's something in that where I was like,

"Oh, maybe I can give back in some way."

I work with adjudicated kids--

kids who were gonna go to lockup,

and instead, they went to this school.

You let them have their freedom but within a structure.

Once you have that structure in place and they feel safe,

you watch them just become kids again.

Even the toughest kids, they're just like--

they are able to relax and become kids.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life

when I got out of high school.

I went online to become a private detective.

It was a private detective school online,

and I paid online.

I never heard from them again. - [audience laughs]

I thought to myself, "I either got ripped off

or this is my first case."

- [audience laughs] - It's a tricky world.

It's a tricky world out there, guys.

But, millennials, can I, uh-- can I say something to you?

You're smarter than my generation.

I'm from Generation X. - [audience laughs]

Gen X. Maybe you heard of us. We're still on the streets.

Banging. But you guys are smarter person for person.

But a lot of times you miss the big picture.

I was in Seattle before the dark times,

and, uh, there was a old man feeding the pigeons,

and this group of millennial activists

was gonna stop him 'cause he's feeding the pigeons bread.

Bread is bad for the pigeons.

Technically, you're correct, millennials,

but a couple of things to consider.

Number one: the pigeon has 26 different kinds of diseases.

All right? Let him have a cheat day.

- [audience laughs] - Let him have some bread.

He probably has Covid before Covid was a thing. All right?

The other thing: the man feeding the pigeons is 100.

He can't see or hear. All his friends are dead.

Let him feed the fucking pigeons.

Not to mention the fact that's how they use to communicate

in his day--by pigeon. - [audience laughs]

So in his mind, millennials, he's charging his cellphone.

[audience laughs]

Nailed it. Nailed it. Great job.

Let 'em hear it in the mountains, guys.

Let 'em hear it in the mountains.

- [cheering] - What a great crowd.

What a great crowd.

Here's where I feel sorry for millennials--dating.

There's no more compromise.

You can just throw the other person away.

No more compromise? What is that? You know?

That's how we were brought up. Comp--You had to compromise.

I went on a date. Okay? No compromise.

First thing the woman said to me, "I'm a vegan.

I'm a vegan." - [woman laughs]

Is that the first thing we should be saying to each other?

How about your name?

Let's work our way to dietary preferences.

"I'm a vegan." - [audience laughs]

So very calmly, I go, "Look, I am on the keto diet.

All I eat is meat."

We're on opposite ends of the dietary spectrum,

but there's a chance to, what, compromise.

But we did not go down that road.

'Cause then she goes, "I won't even eat food

that has touched meat," and then I go,

"I only eat emotional support animals."

You wanna keep playing this game?

We can keep playing this game.

[audience laughs]

There's a lot of heartbreak

behind some of these jokes, guys. You know?

I was engaged, and then after the breakup,

I just started going to open mics.

'Cause I had the mentality of, "Who cares if I fail?

Who cares? Just--Who cares?" I'll take risks.

Sometimes I would do okay, and sometimes I wouldn't.

I started at the Laff House in Philadelphia.

And some guys are funny right away. That wasn't my route.

I just--But there was something valuable in it.

I was like, this-- Public speaking is gonna help me

in some capacity. Maybe I get my master's.

Maybe it'll help me in my career in education.

But I'm not gonna be actually able to do this for a living.

But after about three years, I was like,

"Ah, this is kind of-- I'm getting better at this."

Uh, that's when I decided to move to New York.

New York really changed me

in terms of, like, I put, uh, stand-up comedy first.

Last girl--I broke up with her

because it was too much fighting.

You ever have that? Where you love somebody,

but it's too much fighting. I told her--I'm like, "Sweetie,

I'm already fighting the world.

I can't fight the world

and then come home and fight you.

I have no time to rest." - [audience laughs]

It's like being in a boxing match.

You're punching your opponent. Your opponent's punching you.

But then the bell rings, and you go back to your corner.

But then your trainer starts punching you

'cause he thought you were looking at a ring girl

for too long.

[audience laughs]

She suffered from seasonal depression.

You know who doesn't wanna hear about seasonal depression?

People who are alive during the Great Depression.

'Cause I told my grandfather.

I'm like, "Grandpa, you gotta meet my girlfriend.

You guys have so much in common. - [audience laughs]

You almost died 'cause you didn't have any bread,

and she gets really sad when it's cloudy out.

You guys are like twins, Pop-Pop."

- [audience laughs] - We got into huge fights

'cause at the time I did not believe

seasonal depression was real,

and she would get pissed.

"You don't think it's real?" I'm like, "No, I don't."

I'm like, "I don't think any diseases are real

that you can cure by moving to Florida."

I'm like, "If it is a real disease,

what are the symptoms?" She's like, "Anger,

irritability, not being able to get along with others."

I'm like, "Wow. That sounds a lot like being a bitch.

That sounds eerily similar."

[audience laughs]

Why did we stay together so long?

Is that what you guys wanna know?

Makeup sex. We had great makeup sex.

'Cause after the--after the fight, she was so cool.

She's like, "Whatever you want, baby.

She's like, "Do you wanna choke me?

Do you wanna choke me during sex?"

I'm like, "Sex is actually the only time

I don't wanna choke you, 'cause the rest of the time

when you're running your big, fat mouth. Why--"

[audience laughs]

It's tough. It's tough sometimes, guys.

Can I say something positive about her?

It's very hard to date a comic.

'Cause the relationships that actually work

are about vulnerability. And as a comic,

I'm just always kind of looking for the joke,

and women don't like that. That's what I've learned.

We're opening up about our dating history. She's like,

"My last three boyfriends-- I dated an EMS worker,

a firefighter, then I dated a police officer."

I was like, "Wow. Your pussy is like a civil-service exam.

- [audience laughs] - Pretty solid. Pretty solid."

You know what she said to me? She goes, "That's not funny.

I'm like, "Okay, I can see why you don't think that's funny.

But if you take yourself out of it emotionally

and just look at the joke structure,

I think I nailed it. Okay? That's a pretty solid joke.

That's a pretty solid--"

Guys, stand-up comedy is fun. It's my job. At least it was fun

before I had to, uh, perform in the mountains.

- [audience laughs] - [chuckles]

But my real passion--uh, because I live in New York City--

was traveling around this great country

and telling people in different cities

that they have terrible pizza. - [audience laughs]

I love it. It's a passion.

And I can work it into any conversation.

I was in Baltimore. I'm coming down an elevator.

This woman's talking to me.

She goes, "Oh, you live in New York City?

How did you enjoy our aquarium?

I'm like, "Lady, I don't know anything about your aquarium,

but your pizza is shit." - [audience laughs]

And she goes, "What's wrong with it?"

And that gives you an entranceway

to insult their entire town. - [audience laughs]

I'm like, "First of all, miss, in order to have good pizza,

you need good water. You guys don't have it.

Now, maybe you're using all of your good water

in your aquarium... - [audience laughs]

...but you're not using it in your fucking pizza,

I can tell you that much, 'cause it sucks."

Then I'll compare the town negatively

to another town close by.

I'll go, "Look, I was just in Cleveland.

That's not great pizza, but it's not this dog shit."

- [audience laughs] - It's a lot of fun, guys.

I went to China before the dark times.

[audience laughs]

Now, I dropped my phone in the toilet in China,

and that's actually the best place to drop your phone--

in the toilet, you know-- because of all the rice.

[audience laughs]

But I wouldn't put it in white rice.

I'd put it in brown rice because of my emphasis on diversity.

Diversity, guys. That's the name of the game

in show business right now-- diversity.

My manager calls me up. He's like, "Mike, is there anything

in your background that can give us

some much needed diversity?

I'm like, "Well, I'm 100% Italian. Does that help?"

He's like, "Actually, that hurts us a lot,

so if you cannot mention that again,

that would be a big help." And then he's like,

"What about what's going on inside of you?

Is there any diversity there?" I'm like, "What do you mean?"

He's like, "With your feelings. - [audience laughs]

Sometimes do you feel like a woman

that is trapped inside of a man's body?

'Cause that's a story we could tell."

[scattered laughter]

I'm like, "No. That's not really happening.

But I was born C-section,

so I was a man who was trapped inside of a woman's body.

[audience laughs]

I did not wanna leave that woman's body,

but the doctor caught my mother open

and dragged me into the patriarchy.

- [audience laughs] - Thank you. You guys are gems.

- [audience laughs] - You guys are gems.

So I'm in China, and I get my phone working again,

and my tour guide was like,

"Mike, how are you enjoying China?"

I'm like, "It's okay,

but your pizza is terrible." - [audience laughs]

But I was like, "You know who has a decent slice?

Korea. Korea has a decent slice of pizza."

[scattered laughter]

I'd like to talk about race now, guys,

and, uh, I know, uh, I look like a racist cop,

so I'm probably the wrong guy to talk about it.

Something tells me I should go for it.

- [scattered laughter] - I'm a straight white,

and sometimes I only see things from my perspective, you know.

Example. I'm in Aruba performing before the dark times,

and, uh, I needed somebody to rub sunblock on me.

And when you're a straight and you're a white

and you need somebody to rub sunblock on you

and you do not have an intimate partner there,

it is awkward.

It's a lot to ask somebody. You know?

So who do I ask? Do I ask another man?

That's awkward.

Do I ask his wife? - [audience laughs]

Now I gotta fight the man. - [audience laughs]

- Can't ask a kid. - [scattered laughter]

I think Epstein ruined that for all of us.

[audience laughs]

I asked my friend who I was working with,

who I've known for a long time-- African American woman.

I was like, "Will you please rub sunblock on me?"

She goes, "Sunblock, Michael, is racist."

WOMAN: What?

I go, "How so?" She goes, "It's a product, Michael,

that's dedicated to keeping you white."

[audience laughs]

I'm like, "You're blowing my mind right now."

She's like, "And--

And you can tell the level of racism by the SPF.

SPF 5 is a little bit racist. SPF 40 is Nazi-strength."

- [audience laughs] - She was, "Give me one reason

I should rub this sunblock on you, Michael.

One reason." I go, "Melanoma." - [audience laughs]

That was her name-- Melanoma Jenkins.

[audience laughs]

But I am antidiscrimination.

I don't care what my haircut says.

Antidiscrimination, guys. I'm against it.

I think it's wrong.

I'm in Aruba. Same joke.

and, uh, I'm walking on the beach.

These children are building a sandcastle.

So I examine it very carefully, and then I kicked it over.

- WOMAN: Ohh! - With tears in their eyes,

they were like, "Sir, why?"

And I was like, "Because you do not have

any wheelchair accessible entrances, okay?

This is a castle of discrimination,

you little pieces of shit, and I'm not gonna stand for it."

I've been broken up with a lot,

and it's hard to take those losses.

Every one of the girls, like, I loved them.

I actua--I really loved them. So when it ended--

whether I ended it or they ended it--

I was really in pain.

And in every one of those relationships ending,

I picked up skills that help me in my life.

So it's a weird thing where it's, like--

it's the worst thing in the world,

but I'm picking up these life skills

from every one of these situations.

Guys, you're really putting me in a good mood. You know?

[audience laughs]

I got some bad news this morning.

My favorite Italian restaurant is closing--Chuck E. Cheese.

Guys, Charles Edward Cheese has decided to close his doors.

[audience laughs]

I like the Chuck E. Cheese business model.

They opened up. They're like, "Look, we have rats.

Now, we could call an exterminator,

but that's gonna cost a lot.

What do you say we just lean into this thing?

Let's get a rat. Let's make him our spokesperson.

Get him on stage. Get him in a band.

Get him cranking out some hits." - [audience laughs]

Charles Edward Cheese. - [audience laughs]

I'd like to talk about the quarantine a little bit.

Couples. Clap if you're a couple.

- MAN: Whoo! - Yes. Pretty hot.

Now, clap if you're a single.

This one's for you. This one's for the singles.

This one's for the singles.

I would like to talk about masturbation right now. No.

- MAN: Ow! - No, I'm gonna talk about it.

I'm gonna talk about masturbation.

How do I do it? - [scattered laughter]

Is that what you guys wanna know?

With the most dignity and respect possible.

On a schedule. Every day, 4:00 p.m.

[audience laughs]

It's two Fridays ago. I'm in New York.

It's about 3:55. I'm getting ready for my sesh.

[audience laughs]

Go into my room. I bolt the door.

I put a little Vaseline Intensive Care

with a touch of aloe on my hand.

'Cause I figure it's the weekend.

Why not go ahead and treat myself? Okay?

Touch of aloe. Let's celebrate a little bit. Okay?

Let's get some momentum going on into the weekend.

I start, and about two minutes in,

the neighbor boy starts practicing his violin.

[audience laughs]

And I'm like, just when I thought

this couldn't get any sadder,

it feels like he's playing for me.

[audience laughs]

I finish, and I'm disgusted with myself.

Guys, where you at? I'm disgusted with myself.

What am I doing with my life? I'm an adult.

And I'm looking at my exhausted penis.

I'm just being honest, guys. And I'm thinking to myself,

"What would it be like to have a gigantic one?

What would it be like to have a really big one?"

'Cause I don't have one. I'll be honest with you.

It's not small either. I can feel your judgment.

I would describe it as "working class." Okay?

I would describe mine as a "union penis."

Gets in there, does the job, doesn't do any overtime.

Earns a wage, collects a check, carries a lunch pail.

This is how I describe it on the Internet.

If penises were flashlights, ladies,

in a dark room with my penis, you would be able to see.

[audience laughs]

You would not be able to read,

but you would be able to see, and that's pretty helpful.

[audience laughs]

Anyhow, I'm at the airport

and, uh, I'm getting ready to check in,

and the lady at check-in goes, "You have to check your bag."

And I go, "But it's my emotional support carry-on.

I need that for emotional support.

You let people take dogs and chickens

and all kinds of animals on for emotional support.

Why can't I take my emotional support bag?"

She goes, "Sir, that's not a real thing."

"Um, apparently, miss, you don't know that much

about mental health 'cause it is,

and I have a letter from my doctor."

I gave her the letter, and she read it,

and she goes, "This letter is fake,"

and I go, "I know. I'm a liar. That is part of my disability.

I need to take my emotional support back.

I wanna take my emotional support back.

She goes, "Listen. There's a metal contraption

right next to the gate. If you can fit your bag

in that metal contraption, you can take it on the flight."

I go, "Thank you. That's fair."

So I take it to the metal contraption.

You guys know what I'm talking about.

And I put it in, but it doesn't fit.

And then I angle it and then push it

and angle it and push it, and after about the 10th time,

it occurs to me

this is what it must be like to have a gigantic penis.

- [audience laughs] - Oh, it's good in theory,

but it don't fit anywhere.

'Cause I've never taken my pants down

and had a woman say, "We do not have any more space for that.

We are gonna have to tag that thing,

and you can pick it up in Jacksonville."

[audience laughs]

That's all my time. You guys-- Uh, you guys were so nice to me.

Thank you so much for being so kind.

I appreciate it. I love you guys. Thank you.

Thank you.

[cheering]

- That's all good. - Thank you.

That was good. That was good.

In stand-up, I think the individuality of it

makes you--There's no hiding. You can see the result.

I've realized now that some guys are just more naturally gifted,

so they can maybe get away with more.

I couldn't get away with it. I had to work very hard.

So if I didn't put the work in, I would get exposed.

***