All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e01_English

CALVIN: Watching
my--my grandmother,

watching my mother go to work--

you know, it'd just be
upstanding people

always looking out
for--for other people's kids

and be as supportive
as they can.

Like, my mother, she always
told me,

"Reach for the stars,"
you know?

That drives me when I-I decided
I'm-a be a comedian.

But it's like I just can't be
a run-of-the-mill comedian.

It's just like, no,
I have to--

I have to be the best version
of that

for them but for myself.

...tonight, though,
so focus on that--[laughter]

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Good to see you again, man.

- You too.
- Thanks for being here.

- What up?
- What's good?

It's too late. It's too late.
It's too late.

- MAN: Perfect.
- HANNA: Thanks.

HANNA: We live
in such a weird time

that I'm like, I don't even know
what's relevant.

♪♪♪

- How you feel?
- More protected.

This is a lot. Is it too much?

I just, like,
hate being in trouble.

I hate when people
are mad at me.

And just, like, don't like...

It's like when I'm bombing
on stage, it's...

I, like--I can't--
It's kinda like...

I probably shouldn't say this
before I do stand-up,

but I just don't like it
when people are mad at me.

Yeah. Enter from over there.

I think comedy is, like,
neck and neck with basketball.

Basketball has been consistent
in my life

because it was the one thing
I was in control of.

I can go do it on my own time,

and when I walked on that court,
nothing else mattered.

And now the same thing
with--with comedy.

Like, man, I'm about to talk
about what I wanna talk about

and make these people laugh,
and we're gon' come together.

♪♪♪

[audience laughs]

MAN: Okay, y'all ready
for y'all next comic?

I feel good. [ chuckles ]

No, I feel okay. I feel good.

It's like, I guess I'm just
constantly worried

about what people think about me
which is horrible for stand-up.

But I feel like with stand-up,

at least I got a script
to go back to.

So it feels almost easier
than a normal conversation

'cause I like knowing
what I'm gonna say

and I don't have someone else
throwing me a curveball.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage
Hanna Dickinson.

Let her hear it.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

[cheering]

Yeah.

Thank you. I love this.

Like a clean wipe-down, right?

It's like the closest thing
I'll get to porn.

Uh, I'm fine with it. I'm, like,
ner--I'm a little nervous.

I haven't done stand-up
in five months.

And, like,
under usual circumstances,

someone would be like,
"Do you wanna record a half-hour

without doing standup
for five months?"

I'd be like,
"No. Like, I respect the art.

Like, stand-up's an art."

But, like, I've been
quarantining with my parents

in Virginia
for the past five months.

So my manager was like,
"Do you wanna fly to L.A.?

and shoot a half-hour?"
I was like,

"I will fart in a microphone
for 30 minutes.

You know what I mean?
I don't give a fuck."

This is not about you.

This is about being
in a hotel room alone. I, uh...

Yeah, the past five days

'cause I had to take a test
then quarantine.

I've just been masturbating
in a Residence Inn for...

Yeah. Like a dad waiting
for custody results.

It's good.

My parents are pretty wild.

Like, my dad is like--
like a frat star, you know?

Like, he still had his paddle
hanging in our basement.

And, like, his job
at my cousin's wedding

was to blow a conch shell.

Like, he's just, like,
kind of eccentric.

And I am. I feel like I'm very--
I'm much like him.

Like, we take
the same medications.

Like, we're very--we're very--
we're wired the same.

[ laughs ] I've never
heard anybody say that.

Yeah, we're on the same dose
of Zoloft, baby.

Yeah, so I feel like
I'm like my dad

in the sense of just like
the way our brains are.

Like, our anxiety and just,
like, uh...

I'll say things

that aren't exactly appropriate
for the setting.

Like, I...sometimes I feel like
I can't really read the room.

Yeah, this year feels like
a gap year. Now it's like 20--

We're just letting go of it.
It's fine. We're--

But no one's traveling.
We're just trying every drug.

Every...Every drug. Yeah.

In my parents' basement,
I've done so many mushrooms.

I'm now friends with every
piece of furniture in my house.

Do you understand?

[ chuckles ] Yeah. I've just
been with my parents. It's fine.

I, uh...It's been good. Like,
we have a good relationship,

but I have a helicopter mom.
You know?

Like, she only lets rich men
inside of her. And, uh--

I know, my dad hates that joke.

Uh, but it's like,
just make more money. Um...

No, she wants me to have
a boyfriend so bad

'cause I'm, like, 28. I've never
really had a boyfriend and, uh,

I told her that this guy

was sexually harassing me
on Twitter,

sending me photos of his dick,

and she was like, "Well,
what does he do for a living?"

I was like, "I don't know."

Uh, definitely something
illegal, you know?

He's got a weapon
on him, so...

It's not good.

Not to brag, but, like,

I was kind of a loser
before quarantine,

so this is, like, kind
of my thing.

Uh, I got fired from my job.

There was, like, no pandemic
in sight. I just got fired.

Just for my attitude,
my, uh, lack of...I don't know.

I worked at a movie theater
selling popcorn, and, like,

is that a job as an adult?
I don't think so.

Uh, yeah, my manager said
I had, like, a bad attitude.

But I don't think--I don't mean
to have, like, a bad attitude.

I just, like, don't know
how to, like,

be ni--I don't know. Like...

Here's the thing, like,
working at a movie theater--

Like, we know popcorn is
expensive. You know what I mean?

Like, you know popcorn
is expensive.

Why do we have to talk
about it every time?

Literally, every dad who comes
to the register is like,

"Ah, $15. You're really
taking advantage of me."

It's like, "Sir, if I had
any say around here,

would I be wearing
a visor indoors? No."

So I got fired. I was like...

I get a box of M&Ms
as severance.

It's more than I make
in an hour anyway.

I quit drinking
a little bit ago. I don't know.

Like, I quit drinking once...
Yeah.

They always speak up.
They're like, thank--

[ applause ]

It's--It's, like,
an on-and-off thing.

Like, it's like my--I'm like
the girl who cried White Claw.

You know? It's like,
"Mm, sure you are this time."

No, it's, uh, I don't know
if I have a problem, right?

Like, how do you know
if you have a problem?

Like, the person who clapped,
like, obviously,

you also have a problem,
but how do you know? Right?

Like, it's, like...

It's hard. They're like,
"Oh, yeah, you have a problem

if you drink alone." Well,
guess what. I also eat alone.

You know? And I orgasm alone,

so do I have
a handful of problems,

or am I self-sufficient?
Uh... [ chuckles ]

No, I have a problem, for sure.
That's for sure a problem.

I knew, like,
something was wrong

when I went to the gynecologist,
and she was like,

"Well, how many
drinks do you have per week?"

I was like,
"How is this relevant?"

You know what I mean? Like,
I'm gonna open up. And, um...

No, I told her 15.
I told her 15 drinks.

And she was like, "Oh, my God.

"That is terrible
for your health.

"That's gonna do
long-term damage.

You have to cut that in half."
And I was like,

"Well, that sucks, 'cause
I literally just did. [ laughs ]

And I lied to you."

So I don't have a liver anymore.
I also just get very sloppy.

You know what I mean?

Like, I kind of lose, like,
every bone in my body

and just get, like, one big one.
And, uh, yeah, it's not good.

My friends told me
that's my problem dating.

They're like, "You get way
too hammered on first dates."

And that I will like...

no, I'm actually very good
at first dates.

Like, I only go on first dates.
You know? So, like...

I've fucking had it. Um...

I went out with this doctor
who was working in the Bronx.

This is a lot. Is it too much?
This was like two years ago.

And he was like a friend
of a coworker,

so we, like, hung out,
and he drove down.

And then we hooked up.

Or I just blew him.
Is this too much?

We didn't have sex.
We didn't have sex.

We didn't have sex.
He was a doctor.

Um, so I blew him. [ laughs ]

And I spit it out into a cup,

'cause I just, like--
I'm on a diet.

And, um, I spit it out
into a cup,

and he had put his contacts
into the cup.

[man laughs, claps]

So there was, like--

So I had to drive him
back to the Bronx

and take a train home.
This is my entire--

MAN: 'Cause he couldn't see.
He really couldn't--

He couldn't see. He was blind
without his contacts.

So I was like, fuck! I just--

I put his sperm
in his contacts.

I just sleep with guys
too quick, you know?

All right. Uh... [ laughs ]

I don't know. Is that...
Waiting for my "Whoos." Uh...

No. Probably not gonna
get married. I don't...

It's not looking good right now.
Um...

I would get married, if nothing
else to prove the haters wrong.

You know what I mean? Like,
if I get engaged, mark my words,

that ring is going
on my middle finger for IG.

Be like, "I fucking told you,
Trevor. Got him."

"Who's the nightmare now,
Vance?"

Um, yeah.

My mom, like, she really
wants me to have a boyfriend,

but I think she's given up on me
getting married in her lifetime.

Uh, she--'cause growing up,
all she talked about

was me getting married
and, like,

this "wedding fund" she had,
right?

She would, like, come home
from work and have a bonus.

She's like, "I'll add it
to your wedding fund.

I'll add it to your wedding
fund." Wedding fund. Blah.

And then three years ago,
she just stopped saying that.

And then two years ago,
she bought a boat, so, um...

So pretty sure I'm out.

I did almost get married once,

uh, and lived in Los Angeles.
I went here for school.

And I was friends with this guy

who was an actor,
but he's from Canada.

And he was gonna be deported
because his visa was up,

and he was like, "I can't,
like, not be an actor.

I need to marry someone,"

and I agreed to marry him
because he was tall, and, uh...

I was, like, in it. I was like,

"Let's go to Vegas.
We got this."

And then he chose
to get deported.

Do you understand?

Rather than marry me,
he just gave up on his dream.

I was like,
"I guess this is it for me."

Don't know.

Pre-quarantine,
I was, like, trying--

me and my friends--
we had a tactic, like,

'cause I would still go to bars
and not drink.

I would just be, like, you know,
make an effort to meet someone.

It was like, I'm gonna do this.

And, uh, my friends and I,
we had, like,

a way of meeting guys,
which is, like,

we have a very hot friend,
and, like...

All of us are fine,
attractive, whatever,

but she's, like, so hot.
You know what I mean?

Like, she goes-to-Greece-
for-hand-jobs hot.

Like, she's never paid rent
in her life.

Like, she just, like, gets paid
for by a dude named Frank.

Like, she's just beautiful.
But the key to the equation

is she's, like, the worst person
in the world.

Like, she's just, like, rude,
loud, judgmental.

Her name's Heather.
You got it.

Um, but she's the bait
of the group.

Ladies, the bait. The girl
you send into the bar first.

The guys flock,
realizes she sucks,

and then the personality
rolls deep, you know?

Hell, yeah.

Uhh. That's how I get 'em.
Mm. Just kidding.

Couldn't keep 'em.

Yeah, I have, like, really--

I get really bad, like,
panic attacks in a weird way.

Like, I also think of death
a lot

and, like, the idea of, like,
nothingness. Like, gives me--

I can just, like, fully go
into a panic attack.

And I always feel like that
as a comic.

Like, I feel like
I'm, like, always

like, not saying
the right thing or, like...

I'm awkward
or when I first meet people,

they think I don't like them
sometimes.

'cause I'm just like--
or I'm, like...I'm not shy,

but I can be
when I first meet someone.

I'm try--And then that's what
I'm working on

with my therapist, too,
is, like,

not caring what people think,
but that's fucking hard.

Uh, yeah. I just gotta focus
on, uh, finding a dude.

But I'm worried on, like,
the issue, 'cause I'm like--

You know, I feel like
a very strong, confident woman.

You know? And then I, like,
enter a romantic relationship,

and I approach it
like I approach a showerhead

I'm not familiar with. I'm like,
"What the fuck is this?"

You know? It's like,

I know there's "on," "off,"
"hot," and "cold,"

but, like, what is
this modern bullshit?

I don't know what I'm doing.

And I constantly think
about that.

I'm like, is it me? Is it me?
Is it me?

And I told my therapist,

and she was like,
"Well, it's a waste of time

"for you to worry
if you're the problem

"because, like, you're
definitely the problem.

You know, like,
stop worrying about it."

Which is, like, very painful
for someone I'm paying

to make me feel better.
You know what I mean?

I'm like, "You're supposed to
be my one fucking ally, Carol."

Um, she says my expectations
for men are too high.

She's like, "Even for yourself,
they're too high.

She was like, "Hey, like,
you need to remember,

"you're never gonna be like
the richest person in the world,

"you're never gonna be
the smartest person in the room,

"and you're never gonna be

the best-looking person
in the room."

and I was like,
"Hold up. Like...

"There are only two people
in this room, you know?

"Like, what the fuck
are you trying to say?

"You don't have a neck, Carol.

Like, you're not hotter
than me. Okay?"

That's how I lost my therapist.
[ laughs ]

Got fired from her, too.

My therapist thinks
I hate myself

because of the way
I talk about myself.

She wrote down every negative
thing I said about myself.

I just say mean--like,
"I'm a dumb bitch.

Like, I fell for that thing."
Or you know?

And I feel like I always
put it back on myself

like, um, what did I do wrong?
Especially--

Especially in relationships.

I'm like,
"How did I do that wrong?

Like, why did that guy
not call me?"

Um, and I'm always
putting it back on myself.

And then so my therapist
is trying to be like, it's--

"You gotta like--It's not..."

- MAN: Give yourself a break.
- Yeah.

I, uh, I think the real problem
is I-I fell in love.

Like, 2019, that was, like,
my COVID.

I don't know
if anyone else has--

Sorry. That feels insensitive.

But if you've had your
heart broken, man, it is like--

It feels like heroin. You know
like you--like losing it.

But at least, like, with heroin,

you can, like,
suck a dick for it. You know?

It's like...uh...
I don't know.

I was, like, heart bro--
I don't...

I told--So how do you know
if you're in love?

Like, are you guys in love?

What is it, guys?
Yes or no? Love or not?

Do you feel it?

Okay. Um... [ laughs ]

Yeah. It's a...
Are you guys in love?

- WOMAN: Yes.
- MAN: Yes.

See, that's what you got--
that's what I'm talking about.

[applause]
- And how do you know?

Yeah, this is--I mean, relax.

How--How do you know
if you're in love?

Um, you know you know.

I ha--fucking hate that.
That's how I think it's fake.

- We've cried a lot together.
- You've cried a lot together?

Yeah.

I've done that
with, like, a lot of dogs.

You know? It doesn't mean I'm
gonna, like, sleep with them.

We both love dogs.

Yeah, I guess you do
love dogs, but not now. Okay.

Uh...That's why--That's why
I'm like--It's confusing,

'cause it's like, "Oh,
it's a feeling. You just know."

Okay, a feeling?
Like, so is a headache.

You know? It's like, I don't--
that could be anything.

And, uh, but I thought
I love my best friend,

so I, um, I told him, and he did
not feel the same way.

But he still had sex with me,
you know?

But, like, that's what
friends are for and...

Immediately after,
he was like,

"You know, I could just never,
like, see you as my girlfriend"

which was, like, very hard
for me to hear

just because he wears
a retainer full-time, you know?

So, like, I couldn't hear
what he was saying.

And I was like, okay,
like, I gotta get over this.

Right? I gotta figure out
something else, and, uh,

my friends were like,

"Oh, you should just hook up
with someone hot.

Like, that's
what you should do."

And I just, like, don't like
hooking up with hot guys.

I don't know. It's like,
I don't like to put effort

in anything I do.

You know, like,
I failed ceramics in college.

Like, it's just like
I don't--

I've been kicked out of a
threesome for a lack of effort.

Like, it's just not my thing.

Um, but this was about the "W."
So I was like, all right,

"I'm gonna hook up
with someone hot."

And I did. I hooked up
with, like, the hottest guy.

He had one chin?

Okay, uh...

Unbelievable.
I was so nervous.

Uh, I was just, like--
Yeah, I was just really nervous,

so I was just trying to, like,
do my thing

which is, like,
lay there and not speak.

And, um, it was going great.
It was going fine.

And then out of nowhere,
swear to God, this psychopath,

he just starts choking me.

And he goes,
"I'm going to murder you."

So, naturally, like,
I threw him off of me.

You know? 'Cause, like, I came.

And I was like...ugh!
"Pass me your vape. I'm done."

I feel like
I lost that area back there.

[laughter]

No, it was--
After that, it was good.

I-I was, like, it was, like,
kind of a downward spiral.

I don't know if anyone's ever--

I'm out of it,
so, like, we're fine, but, like,

you know you ever--you, like,
you go through heartbreak.

I went through it too late.

Like, I was doing, like,
immature things.

What happened was after
I hooked up with the hot guy

who murdered me almost,

so I was like, maybe I can't
read relationships.

I was very confused. I was like,
maybe I don't know...

'Cause I was, like, sure

he was gonna be like,
"I love you, too."

I thought it was gonna be like
a rom-com moment,

and then, like, it wasn't.
I was like, "Wait. What the..."

And so I was like,
maybe I just, like,

don't know, like, relationships.

Maybe I don't like him. Maybe
I don't even like men.

You know, like, I am sexually
attractive to women, I think.

Like, I don't know.
Like, I've masturbated

to so many Calvin Klein ads,
I don't--it--it's hard to tell.

And it's like the only thing--

I don't really wanna, like,
go down on a woman,

but I also hate sucking dick.

Like, no one likes that.
You know what I mean? Like...

And I am a mouth breather.

Like, I have
a full deviated septum.

So, like, for me,
it's not even like a blow job.

It is a suicide mission, okay?

I'm like, I do it enough.

So I was like, "Fuck it.
I'm gonna hook up with a woman."

And, uh, I did.
I hooked up with a woman.

And my friends were so excited,
'cause they were like,

thought they figured me out.

They were like,
"Well, did you feel gay?

"Like, do you feel gay?"

And I was like,
"I don't... That's so--what--

"No, I didn't feel gay
going down on her,

but, like, I felt a little gay
when she fist-bumped me after."

Oh, shit. Maybe I'm gay.

[ laughs ]

Yeah, I-I feel good
about stand-up.

Like, I feel like that's
one thing I have of, like--

I've always wanted to perform,

and I grew up
doing plays and stuff,

and I've always been
a performer.

And I think I never
really thought of stand-up

'cause, like, women didn't--
I don't know.

There was, like, Sarah Silverman
and Joan Rivers.

But I just didn't really,
like, watch stand-up that much.

I did improv before stand-up

'cause I thought I wanted
to be like Molly Shannon.

That's who I thought
I wanted to be growing up.

And then I was so bad at improv,

because I just, like--I need
to be prepared for something.

And so I did an improv show.
It was a class show.

My parents and brother
were there,

and they were
the only audience members.

And I'm just like, in improv,

you're supposed to stand
on a line and, like, go in.

Wait. There was nobody else
in the audience?

- No.
- [laughing]

It was just my parents
and my brother.

It was like one of those things
where, like,

I just sucked the air
out of the room.

There was no air in the room,

but I somehow I sucked it out.
I just look out in the audience.

My brother's just like...
[quietly] "Oh, my fucking God."

The rest of the show.

Like, he doesn't ever bring
his head back up.

And then afterwards,
my parents--they take me out

to a very nice lunch,
and they were like,

"You like eating out, right?

"Do you ever wanna eat out
as an adult?

'Cause improv
is not gonna make that happen."

Afterwards,
I got my nipple pierced

which is, like,
never like an upper, you know?

No one's ever like,
"Oh, I got into grad school,

finished a book." You know?

It's like a celebration.
It's a full cry for help.

And my friends
didn't give a shit.

They were like, "Okay, why
did you only get one nipple?"

That was their main concern.

I'm like, "Okay, why does it
have to be all three?"

Like, I don't know.

Who cares? [ laughs ]

I also got "Relaxed"
written on my wrist.

That's how you know
I'm not relaxed.

This just tells waiters
I'm gonna be difficult.

Like, I'm sending
something back.

You know what I mean?

And every--every show--

Like, there's always one girl,
right,

who has "Believe"
or, like, "Serenity."

One girl at a show had "Cunt"
written on her lip.

I was like,
it's all the same thing.

It's just like
a friendly reminder

to take her medication,
you know?

[laughter]

Uh, no. Uh...

The next bit I'm doing--

I've recently in quar--

Right before we got
into quarantine--

I'm nervous used to talk about
it 'cause it's--

it was--
it was a very scary time.

I had a herpes scare right
before we got into quarantine.

And what happened was
the doctor,

he told me that I had herpes,
and I was really scared.

You know? Um, I have herpes.

And it's okay.
Like, I feel like it's enough--

You know what I mean? Like...

I haven't gotten COVID.
I've never even had HPV.

But I fucking got herpes,
and I was like, that's--

And it was, like, sad for me.
It was like a very sad moment.

I was like, maybe I'll become a
nun now. Like, that was my plan.

But, like, I don't look great in
hats, so it wasn't gonna happen.

And I don't want people
to get weird.

'cause, like,
one in three people have it.

Raise your hand
if you have herpes.

Come on. One in three, baby.
Someone here has it.

You guys are fucking liars,
that's all I'm saying.

Fucking liars.

And if anything,
I might have herpes,

but I'm also
an honest person, okay?

And that's what I'm
gonna be remembered by.

Yeah, it's a bad stigma, I know.
And you guys are like,

"Yeah, we've heard you talk
about sex for 30 minutes.

Like, we were waiting
for herpes. You know, finally."

And this is what's fucked up
about it.

Like I didn't even get it.

Like, people are like,
"Oh, did you just have, like,

a one-night stand
in Atlantic City?"

It's like, "No, I walked away
from that guy fine."

You know, that's not...

That was not the issue.

Like, believing the stigma
of herpes is how I got herpes.

'Cause the guy
who gave it to me,

he drives a Subaru.
You know what I mean?

Like, he's Mormon. He wears the
sneakers with the toes cut out.

Like...Yeah.
Like, that's not herpes demo.

You know?

And what happ--
It was an accident.

Like, we were dating,
and we were dating.

We were using condoms,

and then we took it
to the next level.

We weren't using condoms,
and he just was, like,

did the guy thing, right?
Right? Like, lie. And, uh...

And so I got it.

So when I got herpes,
my therapist was like,

"Whew, this is a setback."

I called
the suicide hotline number,

and I told the woman
I had herpes,

and she was like,
"Ooh, yeah. Tough."

I was like,
"Did I call the right number?"

[man laughs]

It's, like, the first thing.
I'm like, "I have herpes."

They're like,
"What's your name?"

[man laughs]

I feel like
if I don't talk about it,

it's like giving in
to the stigma in a way of, like,

I'm so ashamed by it that, like,

I feel like I shouldn't talk
about it.

I don't know how to explain it.
Like, if I don't--

If I don't talk about it,

then I think
it's actually disgusting,

and then it's like--

I just wish that, um,

there was
a "Sex in the City" episode

to prepare me for it. That's it.
Out of all those four bitches,

out of all the dudes
they fucked,

one of them
should've gotten herpes.

I know I'm not the only one
in this fucking quad

with herpes, people. Okay?

And I have--I do have a theory
that a writer pitched.

"We should give the slutty one,
Samantha--

we should give her herpes."

And then a producer was,
"No, that's way too depressing.

Let's just give her cancer."

[laughter]

Give her cancer.

So I'm, like--
I stay up all night.

And then I go
to the gynecologist,

and I'm wearing the shirt
I wore to bed

which was a shirt I bought
in Miami that says "Side bitch."

So I'm at the gynecologist
in a "Side bitch" shirt,

like, truly not even noticing
I have a sweatshirt.

I take off my sweatshirt, and
she says, "Yeah, that's herpes."

And I looked down.
I'm like, "Oh, my God."

Am I in fucking--

Like, I start crying, and I'm
wearing a "Side bitch" shirt.

And the gynecologist was like,
"Yeah, it happens all the time.

I don't know
what you want me to say."

- It was just like--
- [man laughs]

How depressing is that?

That's actually not,
like, finding out I had herpes

was not the worst gynecologist
visit I've ever had.

And, uh, I-I went to USC.

I don't know
if any of you guys--

USC?

You went?

Hell, yeah.
You see the gynecologist?

Dude, that dude's
fucking sketch.

I saw this guy
for my first pap smear,

and, like,
I thought it was weird.

- WOMAN: I've heard stories.
- Yeah, right?

Yeah, he was very creepy.

And I told my friends.
I was like, "He was so weird."

And they were like,
"Yeah, pap smears suck."

And I was like, "Okay,"

and then, like, went on
with my life.

And then, uh...
[clears throat]

And years went by.

And then two years ago,
I read this article

that he's been molesting girls
since 1989,

and the school
just, like, covered it up.

So I called the school
just to make a report.

Not even to, like, press charges
or whatever.

Just to support other victims.

And there was a man
on the help line,

and he was like, "Well, how do
you know you were molested?"

[laughter]

What? Guys, what? I was like,
"How do I know I was molested?

Maybe because I'm a woman

and I've had, like,
a million pap smears since,

and that's the only one
that felt great."

[laughter]

Okay, thanks, guys!
You guys have been great.

[cheers and applause]

So I think stand-up is like--

It's like at least I can,
like, talk about it

in a way that makes people
laugh, I guess,

and not just, like, sit in it
and just, like, know that I...

you know, 'cause it's like if...

if a relationship fails
or something bad happens,

it's like you just have--
it's a way of coping with it.

This is it. This is it.

- [audience cheering]
- Let's...

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage

Calvin Evans. Let him hear it!

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, how we feeling? We good?
- AUDIENCE: Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about.
Feeling good.

Give it up for yourselves
for coming out at this time

and this moment in history

with all the shit
that's going on, man.

Thank y'all.
Y'all awesome for that.

I see some of y'all got y'all
masks on. I appreciate it.

I don't--I'm-a say this.

I don't have a problem
with wearing a mask.

I have no problem with it.

I hate just forgetting
to put a mask on.

I hate getting out the car,
taking that walk,

and I just--I--I--
Fuck, I gotta go back.

And then you get
to where you going sometimes,

they like, "We can't let you in
if you don't have a mask."

I'm like, "If I put a mask on,
I'm-a rob this motherfucker.

"Like, I can't...

You sure--You sure you want me
to go back? Okay. All right."

It's something about that mask.
Like, you ever pull up--

Like, when I pull up
to a convenience store,

and I make eye contact
from my car with the clerk

and I start putting my mask on,
I'm like,

he gotta think I'm about
to rob this--He has to.

And at the same time,
I'm looking at him,

I'm loading a gun. "Where the
fuck did this gun come from?"

It just feel like--

I feel like an outlaw when I
walk around with a mask on.

I'm just walking through. "You
got change for a $20?" "Yeah."

I'm like, "Give it to me.
I will fucking kill you."

[laughter]

Shit different, man.

Oh, it's just--It's like--
We just--It's just different.

I miss coughing.

I just meant like a good...
[clears throat] Like, you know.

Either to start a conversation
or interject in a conversation--

[clears throat] If I could just
add or something...

You just can't cough no more.

I just find myself
just elongating my coughs--

[clearing throat]

"You okay?" "I'm good."

[clearing throat]

People--I just sound like DMX.

[raspy voice]
Mind your business, lady.

Nosy people get it, too.

My mom--My mother's
extremely funny, like to laugh.

She'd let us watch
Eddie Murphy--

"Raw" and "Delirious."

As a kid, I'm laughing
at Eddie Mur--

Oh, he's doing these characters.

He's funny. And just being like,
"Oh, that's cool,"

and I think that--
That was like my introduction

into I'm a fan of comedy.
Like, I wanna watch more comedy.

That was a shared experience
but also a moment in time

where we saw the birth
of like, like,

Black comedy on television.

I'm a comedian,
so I don't--I don't have

shit to do on a regular basis.
Like, I perform.

I travel the country.
I perform. I do stand-up comedy.

I go on auditions and I audition

for roles that
Michael B. Jordan gets,

so I-I don't really have...

I don't have shit to do.

So I sit at home
and I play video games.

That's what I do. That's
my thing. I play video games.

- Yeah.
- MAN: Yeah!

But my girlfriend--
she like to come

and bother me
while I'm playing video games.

And I'm sure some of the women
and probably your boyfriend

play, but you come in there,
and y'all do the same shit.

You come through.

"Oh. You still here
playing video games? Really?

You just gonna play
make-believe all day?"

First off, when the fuck
did make-believe become bad?

When did--When did that
become a bad thing?

When the fuck did having an
imagination become a bad thing?

Two--I think y'all women,
y'all need to understand this.

If that man playing "NBA 2K,"
fucking "Madden,"

"Grand Theft Auto,"
"Call of Duty,"

let me tell you something.

That man is living his dream
in that video game.

I didn't make it to the NBA.
I didn't go to the NFL.

I never sold drugs.
I never went to war.

I would never go to war.
But on fucking PlayStation,

I'm doing all that shit.

As soon as they come out
with a video game

where I can rap
and be a multi-platinum singer,

I'm buying that shit.
Like I just...

Let me live my fucking dream.

And what's fucked up is women,
y'all going--

y'all like--y'all like to do
makeup. Y'all going to your--

I don't walk by the room,
be like, "Oh.

"You still in here playing
make-believe on your face?

"Drawing cheekbones and making
your--your nose thinner?

Drawing on eyebrows."
I don't do that shit!

You got Instagram tutorials.
I got Twitch.

Leave me the fuck alone.

That shit cra--What's even worse

is y'all
take y'all make-believe face

and y'all go out into the world.

Y'all take this face
that you created,

and you just go out
in the world

and you just walk around
confidently with this face

and people compliment you, "Oh,
my God. You look so amazing."

"Thank you. Thank you."

When I turn that video game off,
it's over.

People don't come up to me
and be like,

"What you doing later on?" "I'm
playing the Pistons at 7:30."

No, I'm not. I'm not!

Leave me the fuck alone.
Let me live my dreams.

I tried out for
the basketball team in college.

University of Illinois.

Made the basketball team.
I walked on at a D-1 university.

I was never recruited.
It was like a dream come true.

So, like, like, getting that
phone call coming out of class

and, like, being super excited,

calling my parents and like,
"What? This is..."

You know, and then...

maybe, like, three weeks later,
they like,

"All right, we gon--
We cutting you."

And then kinda like
spiraling from that,

because, like, I kinda--
I gave up on college.

Like, I was like--I always
wanted to play basketball.

I achieved something
that I wanted,

and then it's taken
away from me.

And now I'm just done
with college. Like, I'm--

I'm just going through class.
I'm going through the motions.

I failed. I ended up
flunking out of college.

And now I'm sitting at home
watching it on television.

Like, Oh, I'm--I'm supposed--
I'm supposed to be there.

I'm sitting around. Got caught
in one of them YouTube vort--

It ain't nothing to do.
We done ran out of TV.

I started watching YouTube,
and I came across

Michael Jackson,
"Remember the Time."

Y'all remember this--this video?

- Yeah.
- It's Michael Jackson.

[imitating Michael Jackson]
♪ Do you remember? Ah

It's like around the time
Michael Jackson

just stopped opening his mouth
all the way.

He just be like...
♪ Uh-duna, da-duna

♪ Da-da duna
But we kept listening.

We didn't know what the fuck
he was talking about.

We was like, "Okay, yeah."
It's different.

♪ You know I don't. I don't.
But keep going, Michael.

If you don't remember
this video,

the video was set in Egypt.

You got Michael Jackson
at the height of his career.

Playing a pharaoh, Eddie Murphy,

arguably one of the greatest
comedians of all time.

Playing his wife is this
gorgeous model named Iman.

I'm watching the video.
I'm jamming out.

The cinematography amazing,
choreography amazing.

As I'm watching this video,
for some odd reason,

Magic Johnson is in this video.

[laughter]

I'm like, "What the fuck
is Magic Johnson doing

in this video?"
Don't get me wrong.

Magic Johnson,
amazing basketball player.

Hall of Famer.
One of the greatest of all time.

But he wasn't
the best public speaker.

You know what I'm saying?

Everybody talking and acting
like they in Egypt.

He talking like he in Detroit.

The shit don't make
no sense at all.

I got questions I need answers,
so I go online,

and I did a little research,
and I found out

that this video
came out in 1992.

If you all remember,

Magic Johnson announce
he had HIV 1991,

and that shit hit me
like a ton of bricks.

This was Magic Johnson's
Make-A-Wish.

MAN: Aw!

[laughter]

No--Nobody thought
he was gonna make it to '93.

You dying of a terminal illness
in 1990-anything,

you want the Make-A-Wish
Foundation to send you

to Michael Jackson house
so you could pet a giraffe,

hug a monkey,
ride a Ferris wheel,

learn how to do the Moonwalk.

Magic Johnson used his celebrity

to bump some kid
on a Make-A-Wish list.

Some doctor walk into the room
and tell the family

the good news. "Bobby, Bobby,
we have some great news for you.

"The, uh, the Make-A-Wish
Foundation contacted us,

"and you'll be happy to know--
I'm sorry.

Just a second.
What you say, Phil?"

[laughter]

"Who?

"Magic Johnson.

"Okay. No. I'll let--
I'll let the family know.

"Hey, Bobby. Bobby, um, we got
you a Fast Pass at Six Flags.

"Because we know
you don't have time

"to be waiting in those lines,
so you go ahead,

and you get out of here, champ."

Now, some of y'all grown. Y'all
saying, "That's fucked up."

But the cool shit about my
comedy, it got layers to it.

So what I'm-a do is I'm-a pull
the comedy veil back

just a little bit
on this joke.

Magic Johnson
actually saved Bobby

from getting molested
at Michael Jackson house.

That Fast Pass
ain't that bad no more, right?

I'm looking at y'all face.
Y'all like, "Actually,

that's actually more fucked up
than the first thing.

It's more fucked up." Fuck it.

I'm-a pull the comedy veil
all the way off on this joke.

Just gonna pull it
all the way off.

Magic Johnson still alive.
Billionaire.

Michael Jackson passed away.
Rest his soul.

Bobby.

Bobby was fucking made up.
He never existed.

Calm down, okay?
It was a joke. I made it up.

So my junior year--
it was the spring semester.

Um, I've--
Basketball is, like, behind me.

I'm just like--I'm on my way
out of school.

And a guy I know, Calvin King,
comes up to me--

He says, "Hey, man.
Doing a variety show.

You funny.
You wanna do some time?"

At the time I felt like I had
comedy techniques

from, like, absorbing it,
uh, from watching it from a kid.

But I knew what worked.

Like, I knew how my father
made people laugh.

Then growing up in diversity,
I knew how to--

So all those things
kinda came together,

and it was just like,
"Yeah, I'll do it."

So I get on stage,
and I start talking,

and people were just like--
they, like, start laughing.

Because it wasn't--
it wasn't jokes.

It was like me get--
like, what--

It was the commentary.

And that's what my comedy
evolved into now,

which I call
"observational philosophy."

Like, "Oh, that felt good.
It felt natural."

I got off the stage,

and I remember walking
out of that hall to my car

and thinking, "I'm never coming
back to this school again."

I feel like the scariest thing
right now in America--

The scariest thing right now
in America

is, um, is--is white women
with cellphones...

[laughter]

...walking in a different
direction than where you at.

Like, that is the scariest--
This shit right here--

"I'm--I'm--"
That shit right there?

I'll take the fucking cops
in my rearview mirror.

This shit right here--
"He has--He has--"

That shit is scary.
Because you don't know

what the fuck they saying
on the phone,

and it's a procedure. Whatever
the fuck they say on the phone,

that's what the cops
show up expecting.

"He has two missiles
right now.

I see he has
two missiles in his hand."

Cops show up.
"Give us the missiles."

"I ain't got
no fucking missiles."

"Okay.
Get on the fucking ground."

The shit's scary, man.
Like, white people--

y'all got this stance
that y'all do,

where y'all just like...

Just like--"I don't--
just...I don't know.

It seems--
I've never seen that before."

Y'all do this--
this backwards.

This the "I'm finna fuck
your life up" choreography

right here.
"I don't know. Is he--"

And then they do that thing
where they try to talk to you,

but they lean in,
and they, like, extra nice.

"Hi. Hey.

"Do you--Do you have
a permit for that?

"Like, this--this finger right
here, I'm finna fuck your life--

"Do you have a permit for that?

"No, because I've just never--
I've never seen...

Okay, no, it's fine.
No, it's fine. It's fine. Okay.

[muttering]

Shit's scary, man.

I feel like cellphones are
the only thing fighting racism.

If you ever type the word
"nigga" into your cellphone,

your phone will replace
the word immediately.

You type "nigga," the phone
like, "Night. Don't do that.

You better than this."

Like, your phone just change
the word for you.

But if you type it enough times
in your phone,

it become a part
of the phone lexicon.

One time I went to go write,
"Good night."

The phone was like "good nigga."
I was like, "What the fuck?"

I call AT&T, like, "This white
iPhone getting real comfortable.

"I don't know...if this a part
of the terms and conditions,

but I cannot accept this shit."

My mother was very mature
for her age.

Uh, I mean, she had
my older brother at 16.

So like, I mean, I think at 16,
like, she had her own apartment.

She was, like, going to school.

What was going on
during that time?

Like, like mid-to-late '80s,
you know,

just the crack epidemic
happening.

She was watching people
that she grew up with

starting to use drugs,
starting to sell drugs,

and just watching,
like, neighborhoods

and the way of life starting
to deteriorate around her.

But having the presence of mind
to be like,

"Okay, I have two young boys.

I have to keep them
away from this."

So we moved. At the time,
I think

she was living on the West Side.

She moved us
to the North Side of Chicago,

I mean, which wasn't as,
like, ravaged

with--with, like,
drugs and stuff.

But keeping us, like,
you know, in an area

in a place where's there's not
too much going on around here,

and I can--I can manage,
you know, what they experience.

I hate when I hear--
I hate when I hear people say,

uh, "All lives matter,"

not because it's not true,
because it is true.

All lives matter.
But I hate--I hate to hear it

because what it is
is just a flippant response

to--to, like,
"Black lives matter."

You can hear the contempt when
they say, "all lives matter."

Like, it's just--

Like, you don't really mean
that. You're just saying it

like somebody say, "you suck."
"Takes one to know one."

It's like that same type of
energy that they throwing back.

And I don't believe
all lives matter

for the simple fact that we have
homeless people in America

that we don't give a fuck about
on a daily basis.

And the reason we don't give
a fuck about them

is because we look at 'em...
[ applause ]

We look at 'em, and we--

and somehow we justify
them being homeless

by, oh, it's they fault
they're like this.

So if you could look
at a homeless person like that,

you can look at a Black person
and say, "Oh,

that happen to them
because something they did."

And I saw this shit
live in action.

I was at a fucking--

at a protest and
people fucking--

"Black lives matter,"

and it was counter-protests--
"All lives matter."

And this lady was like,
"All lives matter. All lives--"

And this homeless dude walked
up--"You got some change?"

She like,
"Get the fuck away from me!

"Ew! You stink!

"David, he touched me.
He fucking touched me.

All lives matter!"
[laughs]

No, they don't. [laughs]

Oh, man.

And it's--it's--it's like--
it's like a weird time,

because I feel like people--
people feel like

racism is like an overt thing.

It's not overt no more.
Racism is very, like, refined.

Racism has become
psychological terrorism.

We see that now because--because
we see brands and companies

change on how they've done shit
for, like, centuries.

We've seen fucking Band-Aid.
Now we got Black Band-Aids.

"We making Band-Aids
of different colors."

People was like, "Band-Aids was
skin tone. Like, we--what?"

Yeah. It's fucking psy--
Here's the thing.

Band-Aids were created in 1920
by Johnson & Johnson.

Granted, in 1920, Black people,
we weren't counted as American,

so I understand.
I get it. I understand.

But fucking 99 years, we didn't
have a fucking Band-Aid?

Pink Zebra had a Band-Aid.
Hello Kitty had a Band-Aid.

All these fucking Band-Aids,
and we didn't have a Band-Aid.

What you saying to us
is that if we hurt ourselves

and we put a Band-Aid on,
you say, "Hey,

you gon' be all right,
but you will never be right."

And I said that shit,
and somebody said,

"Well, you know,
they do make clear Band-Aids.

I'm like, "You're right.
They do make clear Band-Aids."

If I put on a clear Band-Aid,

my skin gon' show
through the clear part,

but it's gonna be a big piece
of cotton poking out on my skin.

Yeah. Cotton-pickin' niggas.

Do you see what I'm saying?
It's all...

It's all psychological.
It's all psychological.

And I understand. I understand
how racism is perpetuated.

A lot of times we don't live
amongst each other.

We don't understand
each other's cultures.

So all we're left with
is stereotypes

of what we see on the news.
I'm from Chicago.

Chicago's one of the most
racially segregated cities

in America, if not the world,
so I understand how it works.

You white, you live in Chicago,
you watch the news.

All you know about Black people
is we live on the South Side,

we shoot each other.

You Black, you live
in Chicago, you watch the news,

all you know about white people
is that y'all eat hummus

and run marathons.
That's all the fuck you know.

So when we see
each other downtown,

they like, "Don't shoot."

It's like,
"We not. Just don't run.

It's not like that.
Let's talk about this shit."

It's not that bad.

Chicago is like probably

the most racially segregated
city that I've experienced.

A friend of mine says
it's like a banquet dinner.

Everything has its
own compartment where it goes.

I would go
to the West Side of Chicago,

and I would stay with
my grandmother on the weekends.

So my mother would--
she would work,

and my grandmother
would have us for the weekend

while she was working.

So that--the West Side
of Chicago,

predominantly
Black neighborhood.

So it was like a...

It was like being around kids

But not sound--looking like 'em
but not sounding like 'em.

The majority of my life,

I had always just lived
around Hispanic people.

So my understanding of the world
was Black and Latino people,

and I never really interacted
with white people like that.

In Chicago, I live
in a gentrified neighborhood.

I grew up in the neighborhood,
so I knew what it was,

and I could see the difference
in what it is now.

And a lot of times
people hear, "gentrification."

They think, "Oh, they made
the neighborhood better."

It's like, yeah but no.

Gentrification is like--it's
like, "Extreme Makeover," right?

You live in a neighborhood.
This big-ass bus

pull up in front
of your neighborhood.

Everybody get
on the other side of the bus.

Sometime go by.

[laughter]

Everybody from the community,
they standing. They like,

"Move...that...bus!"

And the fucking bus pull up.
Everybody like, "Oh, shit!

"Oh, shit!
We got a Trader Joe's!

"We finally got
a fucking grocery store!

"Oh, this shit is amazing!

"Hot yoga.
Don't know what the fuck it is,

"but I'm doing it.
I'm doing that shit.

"It's in the neighborhood.

"Oh! This shit
gon' be fucking amazing.

"What is this? Bookstore?

"Okay. Fuck it. We going.
We doing all this shit.

"Ah, this shit is amazing.

Our neighborhood been shit.
Oh! When can we move back in?"

They like, "You can't. Actually,
that bus waiting for y'all.

Get on it
and get the fuck out of here."

It's called the,
"Christopher Columbus Express."

I feel like all stereotypes
have a tad bit of truth to 'em.

All ster--They got a mustard
seed of truth in 'em.

Like, like, for instance--
Like, so I've researched it.

White people stereotype is that
all white people are the devil.

Right? And, um...

Research. I--This is not
my thought process.

I found this out. Google.

And, um, I ain't got
no punch line for that joke yet.

I'm still... [chuckles]
I'm still working on it.

[laughter]

Here's a stereotype
about Blacks and Latinos.

They say Black and Latinos--
They say we loud.

We talk very loud all the time,
everywhere. We talk loud.

And I thought about that shit.
I was like, "Yeah, we are loud."

And I figured out why we loud.

The reason Blacks and Latinos
are loud

is because all of our lives,
we've been talking

through 3-inch
bulletproof glass

to people
that don't speak English

at gas stations, corner stores,

and restaurants
in our neighborhood.

That shit is a condition.

You go to a gas station
in the hood,

you gotta go in there
and fucking yell--

"Let me get $10 on pump 6!"

You can't just turn
that shit off.

You've been doing it all day,
your whole life.

Like, I hate Subway
in my neighborhood

because Subway--we got
bulletproof glass at Subway.

I'm not making this shit up.

It's the dumbest shit
in the world to me.

'Cause in my mind,
who the fuck break into Subway

with a gun and a Ziploc bag,

stealing meats and cheeses
and shit?

"Put the shit in the bag!

The provolone, motherfucker!
Put the shit in the bag!

Put some cookies in it, too! Not
the oatmeal, the chocolate chip!

Make it a meal!"

[laughter]

I imagine an Indian dude
behind the glass--

Like, "I'm sorry. I can only put
so much meat on the sandwich."

"Hey, I will shoot
the shit out of you

if you don't put some more meat
on that thin-ass sandwich."

"I'm sorry.
I have to charge you extra."

[laughter]

I go in Subway. I order my food
through bulletproof glass.

I gotta yell.

"Let me get a Cold Cut Trio,
6-inch, wheat toasted!"

Now you know how they make
your sandwich in Subway.

They put it on a counter.
They slide it down.

They put the condiments on.

Guy won't make my sandwich
like that.

He was holding my sandwich
like a blunt.

[laughter]

Every time I asked
for a condiment,

I'm like, "Can I get
some pickles and lettuce?"

He like, "Pickles and lettuce"?

[laughter]

I'm thinking--
in my head, I'm like,

you know what? This guy is
a sandwich technician. Um...

Maybe he got his own style
of making sandwiches.

I'm like, fuck it.
I'm-a buy the sandwich.

Now you know they get down
to the end of the line

and wrap it up,
put it in a bag.

He got down
to the end of the line,

and he licked my goddamn
sandwich. He...

[laughter]

He's like, "You said you
wanted toasted, right?"

I was like, "Yeah."
He was like...

[laughter]

I'm like, "Man, put some cookies
in the bag. I need those."

Need those goddamn cookies.

When we lost my grandmother,
I was in college.

And my mother, like,
every day was in the hospital.

'Cause she was, like, she was,
like, in a coma for, like,

what felt like a year.

And my mother was up there,
like, every single day.

I remember
when I got the phone call.

My brother called me, was
like, "Oh, she had a stroke.

She in a coma."
And, like, in that moment,

Like, I-I accept it,

like, "Oh, that's it."
And I remember I cried.

And then speaking
at her funeral--

It was like a--I just
wrote, like, a letter to her.

'Cause she used to call me, uh,

she used to call me
her little Michael Jordan

'cause I played basketball,

and she was just, like,
super supportive of me.

And, um...

[sighs] Oh, man.

But, yeah, I think that--
that part was tough,

like, talking at her funeral.

But I felt like
I needed to do it.

Like, that was my--like
my official goodbye to her.

My grandmother
taught me patience.

Like, be patient.
Don't rush nothing.

Just don't
shortchange yourself, you know?

So that--that--
that stuck with me.

I'm about to ask a question.

It's gonna be
a rhetorical question.

You don't have to answer.
I'm just asking it out loud

because it's something
I think about.

But I'm-a preface
what I'm about to say with this.

I don't know shit
about politics.

I don't keep up with politics.

Honestly, I don't even really
watch TV that much.

I probably stopped watching TV
probably about eight years ago.

'Cause I feel like, you turn on
the TV, you see the news.

All this shit going on
in the world.

That shit go into your head
and end up in your subconscious.

Now you worried about shit
you have no control over.

And you stressing out.
It's affecting you.

So I just turned the TV off.

But one thing I do know,
is I know jobs. I know jobs.

So my question is this--

how the fuck
is Donald Trump still president?

[laughter]

Not--And I'm not--
Not even based on politics.

Just on the job--
on the job-fucking-level.

In order to keep a job--
I don't give a fuck

where you work at
or what you do--

In order to keep a job,
three things--

know what you're doing,

do the shit, don't say nothing
fucked up on the clock.

That's all the fuck you gotta do
to keep a job.

Four--don't steal. But the top--

But the main three--that's
how the fuck you keep your job.

But Donald Trump
still got his fucking job.

Still got his fucking job.
And I'm like, how? How?

But I get it. I understand.
Donald Trump is necessary.

He's necessary
at this moment in time,

in this period in history.
Donald Trump is a fucking bully,

and we need bullies,
'cause what bullies do

is they point out what the fuck
is wrong with you.

They point out--

Remember you was a kid?
You go to school.

When you was a kid,
you go to school.

Your parent--"Oh, you beautiful.
You--You so handsome.

My princess, you so--" Oh!
And then you go to school,

and you walk through,
and the kid like,

"Why your forehead
look like that?"

[laughter]

[imitating crying]
And you go home,

and your parents continue
to set you up for failure.

"No, they jealous of you.
They just jealous.

You gon' grow
into your forehead."

And then
you go back out to school,

and they like, "You still got
a big-ass forehead."

And, eventually, what happens
when you're being bullied

is you realize, "You know what?
Let me accept my flaws

and accentuate and work on
the shit that I'm good at."

And that's what Trump
has done to America.

He's--He's shown
a very ugly side of America

that we--we cannot turn
away from.

And now it's like, okay,

now we gotta work on
what the fuck we can.

America loves bullies.
America love bullies.

And I know this

because I watch a show
called, "American Gladiator."

Y'all remember,
"American Gladiator"?

It was a bunch
of fucking steroided up...

almost Olympic athletes

trying to murder
regular-ass people

in a made-up game situation.

Some dude named fucking, uh,
Hank from Nebraska.

He's a--He's a tax accountant

going up
against some motherfucker

that just left the combine.

"What game we playing?"
"All right, take this Nerf ball

"and try to slam it
into that hamper.

We gon' try to kill you
in between that."

Like, what?
And we watched that shit

'cause we wanna see
fucking Hank get murdered

on prime-time television.
We need--We need bullies.

So, literally, let's accept
this fucking president

for what he is--a bully.
Let's go out and be great.

Think about all of the movies
in the '80s.

Think about all of the movies
we watched in the '80s.

It was about
somebody got bullied.

They put the fucking time
to work.

They were determined
to defeat this bully,

but in the process, they learned
something about theirself.

Prime example, y'all remember
the movie "The Karate Kid"?

I watched that movie,
and I realized something.

In that movie, you know,
when you a kid,

you just accept it
for what it is,

but as an adult,
you can critically think,

and you see things differently.
If you don't know, "Karate Kid,"

I'm gonna give you
a quick recap of the movie.

Kid named Danny moves
to a new town with his mother.

Goes to a new school.
Meets a girl. He likes the girl.

The girl's ex-boyfriend--
he's an actual karate kid,

he's an actual karate kid,

and he sees that Danny
is digging his girlfriend.

So he start beating him up.
He start bullying him.

They beating him the fuck down.

And I don't know what it is
about '80s bad kids,

but they wouldn't--they wouldn't
just beat you up.

It was always like disturbed.

"I'm gonna fucking
destroy you, Caruso!"

It was always like--
"You're fucking dead!"

It's like, "What the fuck
going on in the world, man?

This your classmate. Calm down.
It's not that serious."

"Fucking destroy you!"

So they fucking beating him up.
They jumping on him,

beating him up.
One of the kids like,

"Hey, this is enough."
"Get the fuck away from me!"

They beating him up, and out
of nowhere comes Mr. Miyagi.

Who the fuck is Mr. Miyagi?
He's the fucking maintenance man

that works in Danny's building.

Somehow, somewhere
he just happened to be

at this undisclosed location
that they ran to.

He hops over the fence. He start
kicking these kids' ass.

[imitating punches]
Saves Danny.

He takes Danny
to the Cobra Kai Dojo.

He confronts they sensei.
"Hey, look,

they messing with him.
Leave him the fuck alone."

Sensei say, "What you gon' do
about it?" He look around.

"That tournament right there--

"Danny will fight your boys
in that tournament.

Y'all just leave him alone."

Danny like,
"I don't know karate."

He like, "I got you.
Shut the fuck up."

Take Danny back to his house.

He got Danny
fucking painting fences

and scrubbing and cleaning shit,

and Danny just rehabbed
his whole backyard.

He just fucking rehabbed--
rehabbed his shit.

Danny like, "You know,
I'm fed up. What the fuck?

You just got me out here
working. I'm out of here."

"Daniel-san." He stopped him.
"Daniel-san, stop!"

[grunting]
He doing this shit.

"Oh, shit.
I am learning some shit.

All right, cool. I'll keep
working. I'll keep working."

Months pass.
Tournament comes up.

Mind you, Danny hasn't had an
actual fight this entire time.

He's not sparred
with a motherfucker, nothing.

He's just been painting fences
and waxing on and waxing off.

Also, Danny mother
finally show up

in the fucking movie at the end.
She didn't come--

She didn't come to check
to see how he was doing

or what his progress was like.

She's just at the end of the
movie, "All right, we here.

Let's see what happens."

Fucking fight start.
Danny start winning.

True '80s fashion.
You've got the montage.

Fucking, he winning.

And at some point,

the other sensei see that
he might beat one of his kids,

and he like, "You know what?
Sweep the leg."

"You sure?" Sweep the leg.
Danny go down.

His ankle fucked up.

"Ah! Mm! Ah! Mm! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Mr. Miyagi take him in the back.
"Daniel-san, can you fight?"

"I don't--I don't think so."

Then he do this shit
with his hands. He clap.

Fucking start rubbing
his hands together.

And he reach under Danny--
Danny again, and he touch him.

Danny like, "Aah!
What the fuck you doing?"

And he fucking jump up.

"Ah, I'm good. I'm good.
I'll fight. I'll fight.

"Just don't--don't do that.
I don't know what that was.

I don't feel right."

Danny goes back out there.
He limping and shit.

And we saw him do
this crane kick at the beach.

And the guy,
for whatever reason,

he just run at him
with his chin out.

"Aah!" Danny like, "Now."

Pow! This motherfucker
kick him in the chin.

Ah! Fucking crowd go wild.

Danny win.
Everybody fucking celebrating.

And I'm watching this shit,
and I'm like, damn.

He could've just shot
that motherfucker.

You guys have been great.
I'm Calvin Evans. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[cheering continues]

Whoo! We did it.

We did it.

We all did it.

I'm--I'm 5'10",
like, 185 pounds.

I'm like, I--If I would've
stayed on a team,

I probably would've
rode the bench.

I would've finished college,
and I probably would've had,

you know,
just been chasing basketball,

trying to play overseas
or something.

And then when I got
to my, like, late 20s,

I would've decided, like,
"Oh, okay, I'm done with this.

Let me go teach or whatever."
You know what I'm saying?

So I'm glad
that I found something

that I could put my all into

that--that could be
a new journey for me.

♪♪♪