Original subtitles

CALVIN: Watching my--my grandmother,

watching my mother go to work--

you know, it'd just be upstanding people

always looking out for--for other people's kids

and be as supportive as they can.

Like, my mother, she always told me,

"Reach for the stars," you know?

That drives me when I-I decided I'm-a be a comedian.

But it's like I just can't be a run-of-the-mill comedian.

It's just like, no, I have to--

I have to be the best version of that

for them but for myself.

...tonight, though, so focus on that--[laughter]

- Hey, hey, hey. - Good to see you again, man.

- You too. - Thanks for being here.

- What up? - What's good?

It's too late. It's too late. It's too late.

- MAN: Perfect. - HANNA: Thanks.

HANNA: We live in such a weird time

that I'm like, I don't even know what's relevant.

♪♪♪

- How you feel? - More protected.

This is a lot. Is it too much?

I just, like, hate being in trouble.

I hate when people are mad at me.

And just, like, don't like...

It's like when I'm bombing on stage, it's...

I, like--I can't-- It's kinda like...

I probably shouldn't say this before I do stand-up,

but I just don't like it when people are mad at me.

Yeah. Enter from over there.

I think comedy is, like, neck and neck with basketball.

Basketball has been consistent in my life

because it was the one thing I was in control of.

I can go do it on my own time,

and when I walked on that court, nothing else mattered.

And now the same thing with--with comedy.

Like, man, I'm about to talk about what I wanna talk about

and make these people laugh, and we're gon' come together.

♪♪♪

[audience laughs]

MAN: Okay, y'all ready for y'all next comic?

I feel good. [ chuckles ]

No, I feel okay. I feel good.

It's like, I guess I'm just constantly worried

about what people think about me which is horrible for stand-up.

But I feel like with stand-up,

at least I got a script to go back to.

So it feels almost easier than a normal conversation

'cause I like knowing what I'm gonna say

and I don't have someone else throwing me a curveball.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage Hanna Dickinson.

Let her hear it.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

[cheering]

Yeah.

Thank you. I love this.

Like a clean wipe-down, right?

It's like the closest thing I'll get to porn.

Uh, I'm fine with it. I'm, like, ner--I'm a little nervous.

I haven't done stand-up in five months.

And, like, under usual circumstances,

someone would be like, "Do you wanna record a half-hour

without doing standup for five months?"

I'd be like, "No. Like, I respect the art.

Like, stand-up's an art."

But, like, I've been quarantining with my parents

in Virginia for the past five months.

So my manager was like, "Do you wanna fly to L.A.?

and shoot a half-hour?" I was like,

"I will fart in a microphone for 30 minutes.

You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck."

This is not about you.

This is about being in a hotel room alone. I, uh...

Yeah, the past five days

'cause I had to take a test then quarantine.

I've just been masturbating in a Residence Inn for...

Yeah. Like a dad waiting for custody results.

It's good.

My parents are pretty wild.

Like, my dad is like-- like a frat star, you know?

Like, he still had his paddle hanging in our basement.

And, like, his job at my cousin's wedding

was to blow a conch shell.

Like, he's just, like, kind of eccentric.

And I am. I feel like I'm very-- I'm much like him.

Like, we take the same medications.

Like, we're very--we're very-- we're wired the same.

[ laughs ] I've never heard anybody say that.

Yeah, we're on the same dose of Zoloft, baby.

Yeah, so I feel like I'm like my dad

in the sense of just like the way our brains are.

Like, our anxiety and just, like, uh...

I'll say things

that aren't exactly appropriate for the setting.

Like, I...sometimes I feel like I can't really read the room.

Yeah, this year feels like a gap year. Now it's like 20--

We're just letting go of it. It's fine. We're--

But no one's traveling. We're just trying every drug.

Every...Every drug. Yeah.

In my parents' basement, I've done so many mushrooms.

I'm now friends with every piece of furniture in my house.

Do you understand?

[ chuckles ] Yeah. I've just been with my parents. It's fine.

I, uh...It's been good. Like, we have a good relationship,

but I have a helicopter mom. You know?

Like, she only lets rich men inside of her. And, uh--

I know, my dad hates that joke.

Uh, but it's like, just make more money. Um...

No, she wants me to have a boyfriend so bad

'cause I'm, like, 28. I've never really had a boyfriend and, uh,

I told her that this guy

was sexually harassing me on Twitter,

sending me photos of his dick,

and she was like, "Well, what does he do for a living?"

I was like, "I don't know."

Uh, definitely something illegal, you know?

He's got a weapon on him, so...

It's not good.

Not to brag, but, like,

I was kind of a loser before quarantine,

so this is, like, kind of my thing.

Uh, I got fired from my job.

There was, like, no pandemic in sight. I just got fired.

Just for my attitude, my, uh, lack of...I don't know.

I worked at a movie theater selling popcorn, and, like,

is that a job as an adult? I don't think so.

Uh, yeah, my manager said I had, like, a bad attitude.

But I don't think--I don't mean to have, like, a bad attitude.

I just, like, don't know how to, like,

be ni--I don't know. Like...

Here's the thing, like, working at a movie theater--

Like, we know popcorn is expensive. You know what I mean?

Like, you know popcorn is expensive.

Why do we have to talk about it every time?

Literally, every dad who comes to the register is like,

"Ah, $15. You're really taking advantage of me."

It's like, "Sir, if I had any say around here,

would I be wearing a visor indoors? No."

So I got fired. I was like...

I get a box of M&Ms as severance.

It's more than I make in an hour anyway.

I quit drinking a little bit ago. I don't know.

Like, I quit drinking once... Yeah.

They always speak up. They're like, thank--

[ applause ]

It's--It's, like, an on-and-off thing.

Like, it's like my--I'm like the girl who cried White Claw.

You know? It's like, "Mm, sure you are this time."

No, it's, uh, I don't know if I have a problem, right?

Like, how do you know if you have a problem?

Like, the person who clapped, like, obviously,

you also have a problem, but how do you know? Right?

Like, it's, like...

It's hard. They're like, "Oh, yeah, you have a problem

if you drink alone." Well, guess what. I also eat alone.

You know? And I orgasm alone,

so do I have a handful of problems,

or am I self-sufficient? Uh... [ chuckles ]

No, I have a problem, for sure. That's for sure a problem.

I knew, like, something was wrong

when I went to the gynecologist, and she was like,

"Well, how many drinks do you have per week?"

I was like, "How is this relevant?"

You know what I mean? Like, I'm gonna open up. And, um...

No, I told her 15. I told her 15 drinks.

And she was like, "Oh, my God.

"That is terrible for your health.

"That's gonna do long-term damage.

You have to cut that in half." And I was like,

"Well, that sucks, 'cause I literally just did. [ laughs ]

And I lied to you."

So I don't have a liver anymore. I also just get very sloppy.

You know what I mean?

Like, I kind of lose, like, every bone in my body

and just get, like, one big one. And, uh, yeah, it's not good.

My friends told me that's my problem dating.

They're like, "You get way too hammered on first dates."

And that I will like...

no, I'm actually very good at first dates.

Like, I only go on first dates. You know? So, like...

I've fucking had it. Um...

I went out with this doctor who was working in the Bronx.

This is a lot. Is it too much? This was like two years ago.

And he was like a friend of a coworker,

so we, like, hung out, and he drove down.

And then we hooked up.

Or I just blew him. Is this too much?

We didn't have sex. We didn't have sex.

We didn't have sex. He was a doctor.

Um, so I blew him. [ laughs ]

And I spit it out into a cup,

'cause I just, like-- I'm on a diet.

And, um, I spit it out into a cup,

and he had put his contacts into the cup.

[man laughs, claps]

So there was, like--

So I had to drive him back to the Bronx

and take a train home. This is my entire--

MAN: 'Cause he couldn't see. He really couldn't--

He couldn't see. He was blind without his contacts.

So I was like, fuck! I just--

I put his sperm in his contacts.

I just sleep with guys too quick, you know?

All right. Uh... [ laughs ]

I don't know. Is that... Waiting for my "Whoos." Uh...

No. Probably not gonna get married. I don't...

It's not looking good right now. Um...

I would get married, if nothing else to prove the haters wrong.

You know what I mean? Like, if I get engaged, mark my words,

that ring is going on my middle finger for IG.

Be like, "I fucking told you, Trevor. Got him."

"Who's the nightmare now, Vance?"

Um, yeah.

My mom, like, she really wants me to have a boyfriend,

but I think she's given up on me getting married in her lifetime.

Uh, she--'cause growing up, all she talked about

was me getting married and, like,

this "wedding fund" she had, right?

She would, like, come home from work and have a bonus.

She's like, "I'll add it to your wedding fund.

I'll add it to your wedding fund." Wedding fund. Blah.

And then three years ago, she just stopped saying that.

And then two years ago, she bought a boat, so, um...

So pretty sure I'm out.

I did almost get married once,

uh, and lived in Los Angeles. I went here for school.

And I was friends with this guy

who was an actor, but he's from Canada.

And he was gonna be deported because his visa was up,

and he was like, "I can't, like, not be an actor.

I need to marry someone,"

and I agreed to marry him because he was tall, and, uh...

I was, like, in it. I was like,

"Let's go to Vegas. We got this."

And then he chose to get deported.

Do you understand?

Rather than marry me, he just gave up on his dream.

I was like, "I guess this is it for me."

Don't know.

Pre-quarantine, I was, like, trying--

me and my friends-- we had a tactic, like,

'cause I would still go to bars and not drink.

I would just be, like, you know, make an effort to meet someone.

It was like, I'm gonna do this.

And, uh, my friends and I, we had, like,

a way of meeting guys, which is, like,

we have a very hot friend, and, like...

All of us are fine, attractive, whatever,

but she's, like, so hot. You know what I mean?

Like, she goes-to-Greece- for-hand-jobs hot.

Like, she's never paid rent in her life.

Like, she just, like, gets paid for by a dude named Frank.

Like, she's just beautiful. But the key to the equation

is she's, like, the worst person in the world.

Like, she's just, like, rude, loud, judgmental.

Her name's Heather. You got it.

Um, but she's the bait of the group.

Ladies, the bait. The girl you send into the bar first.

The guys flock, realizes she sucks,

and then the personality rolls deep, you know?

Hell, yeah.

Uhh. That's how I get 'em. Mm. Just kidding.

Couldn't keep 'em.

Yeah, I have, like, really--

I get really bad, like, panic attacks in a weird way.

Like, I also think of death a lot

and, like, the idea of, like, nothingness. Like, gives me--

I can just, like, fully go into a panic attack.

And I always feel like that as a comic.

Like, I feel like I'm, like, always

like, not saying the right thing or, like...

I'm awkward or when I first meet people,

they think I don't like them sometimes.

'cause I'm just like-- or I'm, like...I'm not shy,

but I can be when I first meet someone.

I'm try--And then that's what I'm working on

with my therapist, too, is, like,

not caring what people think, but that's fucking hard.

Uh, yeah. I just gotta focus on, uh, finding a dude.

But I'm worried on, like, the issue, 'cause I'm like--

You know, I feel like a very strong, confident woman.

You know? And then I, like, enter a romantic relationship,

and I approach it like I approach a showerhead

I'm not familiar with. I'm like, "What the fuck is this?"

You know? It's like,

I know there's "on," "off," "hot," and "cold,"

but, like, what is this modern bullshit?

I don't know what I'm doing.

And I constantly think about that.

I'm like, is it me? Is it me? Is it me?

And I told my therapist,

and she was like, "Well, it's a waste of time

"for you to worry if you're the problem

"because, like, you're definitely the problem.

You know, like, stop worrying about it."

Which is, like, very painful for someone I'm paying

to make me feel better. You know what I mean?

I'm like, "You're supposed to be my one fucking ally, Carol."

Um, she says my expectations for men are too high.

She's like, "Even for yourself, they're too high.

She was like, "Hey, like, you need to remember,

"you're never gonna be like the richest person in the world,

"you're never gonna be the smartest person in the room,

"and you're never gonna be

the best-looking person in the room."

and I was like, "Hold up. Like...

"There are only two people in this room, you know?

"Like, what the fuck are you trying to say?

"You don't have a neck, Carol.

Like, you're not hotter than me. Okay?"

That's how I lost my therapist. [ laughs ]

Got fired from her, too.

My therapist thinks I hate myself

because of the way I talk about myself.

She wrote down every negative thing I said about myself.

I just say mean--like, "I'm a dumb bitch.

Like, I fell for that thing." Or you know?

And I feel like I always put it back on myself

like, um, what did I do wrong? Especially--

Especially in relationships.

I'm like, "How did I do that wrong?

Like, why did that guy not call me?"

Um, and I'm always putting it back on myself.

And then so my therapist is trying to be like, it's--

"You gotta like--It's not..."

- MAN: Give yourself a break. - Yeah.

I, uh, I think the real problem is I-I fell in love.

Like, 2019, that was, like, my COVID.

I don't know if anyone else has--

Sorry. That feels insensitive.

But if you've had your heart broken, man, it is like--

It feels like heroin. You know like you--like losing it.

But at least, like, with heroin,

you can, like, suck a dick for it. You know?

It's like...uh... I don't know.

I was, like, heart bro-- I don't...

I told--So how do you know if you're in love?

Like, are you guys in love?

What is it, guys? Yes or no? Love or not?

Do you feel it?

Okay. Um... [ laughs ]

Yeah. It's a... Are you guys in love?

- WOMAN: Yes. - MAN: Yes.

See, that's what you got-- that's what I'm talking about.

[applause] - And how do you know?

Yeah, this is--I mean, relax.

How--How do you know if you're in love?

Um, you know you know.

I ha--fucking hate that. That's how I think it's fake.

- We've cried a lot together. - You've cried a lot together?

Yeah.

I've done that with, like, a lot of dogs.

You know? It doesn't mean I'm gonna, like, sleep with them.

We both love dogs.

Yeah, I guess you do love dogs, but not now. Okay.

Uh...That's why--That's why I'm like--It's confusing,

'cause it's like, "Oh, it's a feeling. You just know."

Okay, a feeling? Like, so is a headache.

You know? It's like, I don't-- that could be anything.

And, uh, but I thought I love my best friend,

so I, um, I told him, and he did not feel the same way.

But he still had sex with me, you know?

But, like, that's what friends are for and...

Immediately after, he was like,

"You know, I could just never, like, see you as my girlfriend"

which was, like, very hard for me to hear

just because he wears a retainer full-time, you know?

So, like, I couldn't hear what he was saying.

And I was like, okay, like, I gotta get over this.

Right? I gotta figure out something else, and, uh,

my friends were like,

"Oh, you should just hook up with someone hot.

Like, that's what you should do."

And I just, like, don't like hooking up with hot guys.

I don't know. It's like, I don't like to put effort

in anything I do.

You know, like, I failed ceramics in college.

Like, it's just like I don't--

I've been kicked out of a threesome for a lack of effort.

Like, it's just not my thing.

Um, but this was about the "W." So I was like, all right,

"I'm gonna hook up with someone hot."

And I did. I hooked up with, like, the hottest guy.

He had one chin?

Okay, uh...

Unbelievable. I was so nervous.

Uh, I was just, like-- Yeah, I was just really nervous,

so I was just trying to, like, do my thing

which is, like, lay there and not speak.

And, um, it was going great. It was going fine.

And then out of nowhere, swear to God, this psychopath,

he just starts choking me.

And he goes, "I'm going to murder you."

So, naturally, like, I threw him off of me.

You know? 'Cause, like, I came.

And I was like...ugh! "Pass me your vape. I'm done."

I feel like I lost that area back there.

[laughter]

No, it was-- After that, it was good.

I-I was, like, it was, like, kind of a downward spiral.

I don't know if anyone's ever--

I'm out of it, so, like, we're fine, but, like,

you know you ever--you, like, you go through heartbreak.

I went through it too late.

Like, I was doing, like, immature things.

What happened was after I hooked up with the hot guy

who murdered me almost,

so I was like, maybe I can't read relationships.

I was very confused. I was like, maybe I don't know...

'Cause I was, like, sure

he was gonna be like, "I love you, too."

I thought it was gonna be like a rom-com moment,

and then, like, it wasn't. I was like, "Wait. What the..."

And so I was like, maybe I just, like,

don't know, like, relationships.

Maybe I don't like him. Maybe I don't even like men.

You know, like, I am sexually attractive to women, I think.

Like, I don't know. Like, I've masturbated

to so many Calvin Klein ads, I don't--it--it's hard to tell.

And it's like the only thing--

I don't really wanna, like, go down on a woman,

but I also hate sucking dick.

Like, no one likes that. You know what I mean? Like...

And I am a mouth breather.

Like, I have a full deviated septum.

So, like, for me, it's not even like a blow job.

It is a suicide mission, okay?

I'm like, I do it enough.

So I was like, "Fuck it. I'm gonna hook up with a woman."

And, uh, I did. I hooked up with a woman.

And my friends were so excited, 'cause they were like,

thought they figured me out.

They were like, "Well, did you feel gay?

"Like, do you feel gay?"

And I was like, "I don't... That's so--what--

"No, I didn't feel gay going down on her,

but, like, I felt a little gay when she fist-bumped me after."

Oh, shit. Maybe I'm gay.

[ laughs ]

Yeah, I-I feel good about stand-up.

Like, I feel like that's one thing I have of, like--

I've always wanted to perform,

and I grew up doing plays and stuff,

and I've always been a performer.

And I think I never really thought of stand-up

'cause, like, women didn't-- I don't know.

There was, like, Sarah Silverman and Joan Rivers.

But I just didn't really, like, watch stand-up that much.

I did improv before stand-up

'cause I thought I wanted to be like Molly Shannon.

That's who I thought I wanted to be growing up.

And then I was so bad at improv,

because I just, like--I need to be prepared for something.

And so I did an improv show. It was a class show.

My parents and brother were there,

and they were the only audience members.

And I'm just like, in improv,

you're supposed to stand on a line and, like, go in.

Wait. There was nobody else in the audience?

- No. - [laughing]

It was just my parents and my brother.

It was like one of those things where, like,

I just sucked the air out of the room.

There was no air in the room,

but I somehow I sucked it out. I just look out in the audience.

My brother's just like... [quietly] "Oh, my fucking God."

The rest of the show.

Like, he doesn't ever bring his head back up.

And then afterwards, my parents--they take me out

to a very nice lunch, and they were like,

"You like eating out, right?

"Do you ever wanna eat out as an adult?

'Cause improv is not gonna make that happen."

Afterwards, I got my nipple pierced

which is, like, never like an upper, you know?

No one's ever like, "Oh, I got into grad school,

finished a book." You know?

It's like a celebration. It's a full cry for help.

And my friends didn't give a shit.

They were like, "Okay, why did you only get one nipple?"

That was their main concern.

I'm like, "Okay, why does it have to be all three?"

Like, I don't know.

Who cares? [ laughs ]

I also got "Relaxed" written on my wrist.

That's how you know I'm not relaxed.

This just tells waiters I'm gonna be difficult.

Like, I'm sending something back.

You know what I mean?

And every--every show--

Like, there's always one girl, right,

who has "Believe" or, like, "Serenity."

One girl at a show had "Cunt" written on her lip.

I was like, it's all the same thing.

It's just like a friendly reminder

to take her medication, you know?

[laughter]

Uh, no. Uh...

The next bit I'm doing--

I've recently in quar--

Right before we got into quarantine--

I'm nervous used to talk about it 'cause it's--

it was-- it was a very scary time.

I had a herpes scare right before we got into quarantine.

And what happened was the doctor,

he told me that I had herpes, and I was really scared.

You know? Um, I have herpes.

And it's okay. Like, I feel like it's enough--

You know what I mean? Like...

I haven't gotten COVID. I've never even had HPV.

But I fucking got herpes, and I was like, that's--

And it was, like, sad for me. It was like a very sad moment.

I was like, maybe I'll become a nun now. Like, that was my plan.

But, like, I don't look great in hats, so it wasn't gonna happen.

And I don't want people to get weird.

'cause, like, one in three people have it.

Raise your hand if you have herpes.

Come on. One in three, baby. Someone here has it.

You guys are fucking liars, that's all I'm saying.

Fucking liars.

And if anything, I might have herpes,

but I'm also an honest person, okay?

And that's what I'm gonna be remembered by.

Yeah, it's a bad stigma, I know. And you guys are like,

"Yeah, we've heard you talk about sex for 30 minutes.

Like, we were waiting for herpes. You know, finally."

And this is what's fucked up about it.

Like I didn't even get it.

Like, people are like, "Oh, did you just have, like,

a one-night stand in Atlantic City?"

It's like, "No, I walked away from that guy fine."

You know, that's not...

That was not the issue.

Like, believing the stigma of herpes is how I got herpes.

'Cause the guy who gave it to me,

he drives a Subaru. You know what I mean?

Like, he's Mormon. He wears the sneakers with the toes cut out.

Like...Yeah. Like, that's not herpes demo.

You know?

And what happ-- It was an accident.

Like, we were dating, and we were dating.

We were using condoms,

and then we took it to the next level.

We weren't using condoms, and he just was, like,

did the guy thing, right? Right? Like, lie. And, uh...

And so I got it.

So when I got herpes, my therapist was like,

"Whew, this is a setback."

I called the suicide hotline number,

and I told the woman I had herpes,

and she was like, "Ooh, yeah. Tough."

I was like, "Did I call the right number?"

[man laughs]

It's, like, the first thing. I'm like, "I have herpes."

They're like, "What's your name?"

[man laughs]

I feel like if I don't talk about it,

it's like giving in to the stigma in a way of, like,

I'm so ashamed by it that, like,

I feel like I shouldn't talk about it.

I don't know how to explain it. Like, if I don't--

If I don't talk about it,

then I think it's actually disgusting,

and then it's like--

I just wish that, um,

there was a "Sex in the City" episode

to prepare me for it. That's it. Out of all those four bitches,

out of all the dudes they fucked,

one of them should've gotten herpes.

I know I'm not the only one in this fucking quad

with herpes, people. Okay?

And I have--I do have a theory that a writer pitched.

"We should give the slutty one, Samantha--

we should give her herpes."

And then a producer was, "No, that's way too depressing.

Let's just give her cancer."

[laughter]

Give her cancer.

So I'm, like-- I stay up all night.

And then I go to the gynecologist,

and I'm wearing the shirt I wore to bed

which was a shirt I bought in Miami that says "Side bitch."

So I'm at the gynecologist in a "Side bitch" shirt,

like, truly not even noticing I have a sweatshirt.

I take off my sweatshirt, and she says, "Yeah, that's herpes."

And I looked down. I'm like, "Oh, my God."

Am I in fucking--

Like, I start crying, and I'm wearing a "Side bitch" shirt.

And the gynecologist was like, "Yeah, it happens all the time.

I don't know what you want me to say."

- It was just like-- - [man laughs]

How depressing is that?

That's actually not, like, finding out I had herpes

was not the worst gynecologist visit I've ever had.

And, uh, I-I went to USC.

I don't know if any of you guys--

USC?

You went?

Hell, yeah. You see the gynecologist?

Dude, that dude's fucking sketch.

I saw this guy for my first pap smear,

and, like, I thought it was weird.

- WOMAN: I've heard stories. - Yeah, right?

Yeah, he was very creepy.

And I told my friends. I was like, "He was so weird."

And they were like, "Yeah, pap smears suck."

And I was like, "Okay,"

and then, like, went on with my life.

And then, uh... [clears throat]

And years went by.

And then two years ago, I read this article

that he's been molesting girls since 1989,

and the school just, like, covered it up.

So I called the school just to make a report.

Not even to, like, press charges or whatever.

Just to support other victims.

And there was a man on the help line,

and he was like, "Well, how do you know you were molested?"

[laughter]

What? Guys, what? I was like, "How do I know I was molested?

Maybe because I'm a woman

and I've had, like, a million pap smears since,

and that's the only one that felt great."

[laughter]

Okay, thanks, guys! You guys have been great.

[cheers and applause]

So I think stand-up is like--

It's like at least I can, like, talk about it

in a way that makes people laugh, I guess,

and not just, like, sit in it and just, like, know that I...

you know, 'cause it's like if...

if a relationship fails or something bad happens,

it's like you just have-- it's a way of coping with it.

This is it. This is it.

- [audience cheering] - Let's...

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

Calvin Evans. Let him hear it!

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, how we feeling? We good? - AUDIENCE: Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about. Feeling good.

Give it up for yourselves for coming out at this time

and this moment in history

with all the shit that's going on, man.

Thank y'all. Y'all awesome for that.

I see some of y'all got y'all masks on. I appreciate it.

I don't--I'm-a say this.

I don't have a problem with wearing a mask.

I have no problem with it.

I hate just forgetting to put a mask on.

I hate getting out the car, taking that walk,

and I just--I--I-- Fuck, I gotta go back.

And then you get to where you going sometimes,

they like, "We can't let you in if you don't have a mask."

I'm like, "If I put a mask on, I'm-a rob this motherfucker.

"Like, I can't...

You sure--You sure you want me to go back? Okay. All right."

It's something about that mask. Like, you ever pull up--

Like, when I pull up to a convenience store,

and I make eye contact from my car with the clerk

and I start putting my mask on, I'm like,

he gotta think I'm about to rob this--He has to.

And at the same time, I'm looking at him,

I'm loading a gun. "Where the fuck did this gun come from?"

It just feel like--

I feel like an outlaw when I walk around with a mask on.

I'm just walking through. "You got change for a $20?" "Yeah."

I'm like, "Give it to me. I will fucking kill you."

[laughter]

Shit different, man.

Oh, it's just--It's like-- We just--It's just different.

I miss coughing.

I just meant like a good... [clears throat] Like, you know.

Either to start a conversation or interject in a conversation--

[clears throat] If I could just add or something...

You just can't cough no more.

I just find myself just elongating my coughs--

[clearing throat]

"You okay?" "I'm good."

[clearing throat]

People--I just sound like DMX.

[raspy voice] Mind your business, lady.

Nosy people get it, too.

My mom--My mother's extremely funny, like to laugh.

She'd let us watch Eddie Murphy--

"Raw" and "Delirious."

As a kid, I'm laughing at Eddie Mur--

Oh, he's doing these characters.

He's funny. And just being like, "Oh, that's cool,"

and I think that-- That was like my introduction

into I'm a fan of comedy. Like, I wanna watch more comedy.

That was a shared experience but also a moment in time

where we saw the birth of like, like,

Black comedy on television.

I'm a comedian, so I don't--I don't have

shit to do on a regular basis. Like, I perform.

I travel the country. I perform. I do stand-up comedy.

I go on auditions and I audition

for roles that Michael B. Jordan gets,

so I-I don't really have...

I don't have shit to do.

So I sit at home and I play video games.

That's what I do. That's my thing. I play video games.

- Yeah. - MAN: Yeah!

But my girlfriend-- she like to come

and bother me while I'm playing video games.

And I'm sure some of the women and probably your boyfriend

play, but you come in there, and y'all do the same shit.

You come through.

"Oh. You still here playing video games? Really?

You just gonna play make-believe all day?"

First off, when the fuck did make-believe become bad?

When did--When did that become a bad thing?

When the fuck did having an imagination become a bad thing?

Two--I think y'all women, y'all need to understand this.

If that man playing "NBA 2K," fucking "Madden,"

"Grand Theft Auto," "Call of Duty,"

let me tell you something.

That man is living his dream in that video game.

I didn't make it to the NBA. I didn't go to the NFL.

I never sold drugs. I never went to war.

I would never go to war. But on fucking PlayStation,

I'm doing all that shit.

As soon as they come out with a video game

where I can rap and be a multi-platinum singer,

I'm buying that shit. Like I just...

Let me live my fucking dream.

And what's fucked up is women, y'all going--

y'all like--y'all like to do makeup. Y'all going to your--

I don't walk by the room, be like, "Oh.

"You still in here playing make-believe on your face?

"Drawing cheekbones and making your--your nose thinner?

Drawing on eyebrows." I don't do that shit!

You got Instagram tutorials. I got Twitch.

Leave me the fuck alone.

That shit cra--What's even worse

is y'all take y'all make-believe face

and y'all go out into the world.

Y'all take this face that you created,

and you just go out in the world

and you just walk around confidently with this face

and people compliment you, "Oh, my God. You look so amazing."

"Thank you. Thank you."

When I turn that video game off, it's over.

People don't come up to me and be like,

"What you doing later on?" "I'm playing the Pistons at 7:30."

No, I'm not. I'm not!

Leave me the fuck alone. Let me live my dreams.

I tried out for the basketball team in college.

University of Illinois.

Made the basketball team. I walked on at a D-1 university.

I was never recruited. It was like a dream come true.

So, like, like, getting that phone call coming out of class

and, like, being super excited,

calling my parents and like, "What? This is..."

You know, and then...

maybe, like, three weeks later, they like,

"All right, we gon-- We cutting you."

And then kinda like spiraling from that,

because, like, I kinda-- I gave up on college.

Like, I was like--I always wanted to play basketball.

I achieved something that I wanted,

and then it's taken away from me.

And now I'm just done with college. Like, I'm--

I'm just going through class. I'm going through the motions.

I failed. I ended up flunking out of college.

And now I'm sitting at home watching it on television.

Like, Oh, I'm--I'm supposed-- I'm supposed to be there.

I'm sitting around. Got caught in one of them YouTube vort--

It ain't nothing to do. We done ran out of TV.

I started watching YouTube, and I came across

Michael Jackson, "Remember the Time."

Y'all remember this--this video?

- Yeah. - It's Michael Jackson.

[imitating Michael Jackson] ♪ Do you remember? Ah

It's like around the time Michael Jackson

just stopped opening his mouth all the way.

He just be like... ♪ Uh-duna, da-duna

♪ Da-da duna But we kept listening.

We didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.

We was like, "Okay, yeah." It's different.

♪ You know I don't. I don't. But keep going, Michael.

If you don't remember this video,

the video was set in Egypt.

You got Michael Jackson at the height of his career.

Playing a pharaoh, Eddie Murphy,

arguably one of the greatest comedians of all time.

Playing his wife is this gorgeous model named Iman.

I'm watching the video. I'm jamming out.

The cinematography amazing, choreography amazing.

As I'm watching this video, for some odd reason,

Magic Johnson is in this video.

[laughter]

I'm like, "What the fuck is Magic Johnson doing

in this video?" Don't get me wrong.

Magic Johnson, amazing basketball player.

Hall of Famer. One of the greatest of all time.

But he wasn't the best public speaker.

You know what I'm saying?

Everybody talking and acting like they in Egypt.

He talking like he in Detroit.

The shit don't make no sense at all.

I got questions I need answers, so I go online,

and I did a little research, and I found out

that this video came out in 1992.

If you all remember,

Magic Johnson announce he had HIV 1991,

and that shit hit me like a ton of bricks.

This was Magic Johnson's Make-A-Wish.

MAN: Aw!

[laughter]

No--Nobody thought he was gonna make it to '93.

You dying of a terminal illness in 1990-anything,

you want the Make-A-Wish Foundation to send you

to Michael Jackson house so you could pet a giraffe,

hug a monkey, ride a Ferris wheel,

learn how to do the Moonwalk.

Magic Johnson used his celebrity

to bump some kid on a Make-A-Wish list.

Some doctor walk into the room and tell the family

the good news. "Bobby, Bobby, we have some great news for you.

"The, uh, the Make-A-Wish Foundation contacted us,

"and you'll be happy to know-- I'm sorry.

Just a second. What you say, Phil?"

[laughter]

"Who?

"Magic Johnson.

"Okay. No. I'll let-- I'll let the family know.

"Hey, Bobby. Bobby, um, we got you a Fast Pass at Six Flags.

"Because we know you don't have time

"to be waiting in those lines, so you go ahead,

and you get out of here, champ."

Now, some of y'all grown. Y'all saying, "That's fucked up."

But the cool shit about my comedy, it got layers to it.

So what I'm-a do is I'm-a pull the comedy veil back

just a little bit on this joke.

Magic Johnson actually saved Bobby

from getting molested at Michael Jackson house.

That Fast Pass ain't that bad no more, right?

I'm looking at y'all face. Y'all like, "Actually,

that's actually more fucked up than the first thing.

It's more fucked up." Fuck it.

I'm-a pull the comedy veil all the way off on this joke.

Just gonna pull it all the way off.

Magic Johnson still alive. Billionaire.

Michael Jackson passed away. Rest his soul.

Bobby.

Bobby was fucking made up. He never existed.

Calm down, okay? It was a joke. I made it up.

So my junior year-- it was the spring semester.

Um, I've-- Basketball is, like, behind me.

I'm just like--I'm on my way out of school.

And a guy I know, Calvin King, comes up to me--

He says, "Hey, man. Doing a variety show.

You funny. You wanna do some time?"

At the time I felt like I had comedy techniques

from, like, absorbing it, uh, from watching it from a kid.

But I knew what worked.

Like, I knew how my father made people laugh.

Then growing up in diversity, I knew how to--

So all those things kinda came together,

and it was just like, "Yeah, I'll do it."

So I get on stage, and I start talking,

and people were just like-- they, like, start laughing.

Because it wasn't-- it wasn't jokes.

It was like me get-- like, what--

It was the commentary.

And that's what my comedy evolved into now,

which I call "observational philosophy."

Like, "Oh, that felt good. It felt natural."

I got off the stage,

and I remember walking out of that hall to my car

and thinking, "I'm never coming back to this school again."

I feel like the scariest thing right now in America--

The scariest thing right now in America

is, um, is--is white women with cellphones...

[laughter]

...walking in a different direction than where you at.

Like, that is the scariest-- This shit right here--

"I'm--I'm--" That shit right there?

I'll take the fucking cops in my rearview mirror.

This shit right here-- "He has--He has--"

That shit is scary. Because you don't know

what the fuck they saying on the phone,

and it's a procedure. Whatever the fuck they say on the phone,

that's what the cops show up expecting.

"He has two missiles right now.

I see he has two missiles in his hand."

Cops show up. "Give us the missiles."

"I ain't got no fucking missiles."

"Okay. Get on the fucking ground."

The shit's scary, man. Like, white people--

y'all got this stance that y'all do,

where y'all just like...

Just like--"I don't-- just...I don't know.

It seems-- I've never seen that before."

Y'all do this-- this backwards.

This the "I'm finna fuck your life up" choreography

right here. "I don't know. Is he--"

And then they do that thing where they try to talk to you,

but they lean in, and they, like, extra nice.

"Hi. Hey.

"Do you--Do you have a permit for that?

"Like, this--this finger right here, I'm finna fuck your life--

"Do you have a permit for that?

"No, because I've just never-- I've never seen...

Okay, no, it's fine. No, it's fine. It's fine. Okay.

[muttering]

Shit's scary, man.

I feel like cellphones are the only thing fighting racism.

If you ever type the word "nigga" into your cellphone,

your phone will replace the word immediately.

You type "nigga," the phone like, "Night. Don't do that.

You better than this."

Like, your phone just change the word for you.

But if you type it enough times in your phone,

it become a part of the phone lexicon.

One time I went to go write, "Good night."

The phone was like "good nigga." I was like, "What the fuck?"

I call AT&T, like, "This white iPhone getting real comfortable.

"I don't know...if this a part of the terms and conditions,

but I cannot accept this shit."

My mother was very mature for her age.

Uh, I mean, she had my older brother at 16.

So like, I mean, I think at 16, like, she had her own apartment.

She was, like, going to school.

What was going on during that time?

Like, like mid-to-late '80s, you know,

just the crack epidemic happening.

She was watching people that she grew up with

starting to use drugs, starting to sell drugs,

and just watching, like, neighborhoods

and the way of life starting to deteriorate around her.

But having the presence of mind to be like,

"Okay, I have two young boys.

I have to keep them away from this."

So we moved. At the time, I think

she was living on the West Side.

She moved us to the North Side of Chicago,

I mean, which wasn't as, like, ravaged

with--with, like, drugs and stuff.

But keeping us, like, you know, in an area

in a place where's there's not too much going on around here,

and I can--I can manage, you know, what they experience.

I hate when I hear-- I hate when I hear people say,

uh, "All lives matter,"

not because it's not true, because it is true.

All lives matter. But I hate--I hate to hear it

because what it is is just a flippant response

to--to, like, "Black lives matter."

You can hear the contempt when they say, "all lives matter."

Like, it's just--

Like, you don't really mean that. You're just saying it

like somebody say, "you suck." "Takes one to know one."

It's like that same type of energy that they throwing back.

And I don't believe all lives matter

for the simple fact that we have homeless people in America

that we don't give a fuck about on a daily basis.

And the reason we don't give a fuck about them

is because we look at 'em... [ applause ]

We look at 'em, and we--

and somehow we justify them being homeless

by, oh, it's they fault they're like this.

So if you could look at a homeless person like that,

you can look at a Black person and say, "Oh,

that happen to them because something they did."

And I saw this shit live in action.

I was at a fucking--

at a protest and people fucking--

"Black lives matter,"

and it was counter-protests-- "All lives matter."

And this lady was like, "All lives matter. All lives--"

And this homeless dude walked up--"You got some change?"

She like, "Get the fuck away from me!

"Ew! You stink!

"David, he touched me. He fucking touched me.

All lives matter!" [laughs]

No, they don't. [laughs]

Oh, man.

And it's--it's--it's like-- it's like a weird time,

because I feel like people-- people feel like

racism is like an overt thing.

It's not overt no more. Racism is very, like, refined.

Racism has become psychological terrorism.

We see that now because--because we see brands and companies

change on how they've done shit for, like, centuries.

We've seen fucking Band-Aid. Now we got Black Band-Aids.

"We making Band-Aids of different colors."

People was like, "Band-Aids was skin tone. Like, we--what?"

Yeah. It's fucking psy-- Here's the thing.

Band-Aids were created in 1920 by Johnson & Johnson.

Granted, in 1920, Black people, we weren't counted as American,

so I understand. I get it. I understand.

But fucking 99 years, we didn't have a fucking Band-Aid?

Pink Zebra had a Band-Aid. Hello Kitty had a Band-Aid.

All these fucking Band-Aids, and we didn't have a Band-Aid.

What you saying to us is that if we hurt ourselves

and we put a Band-Aid on, you say, "Hey,

you gon' be all right, but you will never be right."

And I said that shit, and somebody said,

"Well, you know, they do make clear Band-Aids.

I'm like, "You're right. They do make clear Band-Aids."

If I put on a clear Band-Aid,

my skin gon' show through the clear part,

but it's gonna be a big piece of cotton poking out on my skin.

Yeah. Cotton-pickin' niggas.

Do you see what I'm saying? It's all...

It's all psychological. It's all psychological.

And I understand. I understand how racism is perpetuated.

A lot of times we don't live amongst each other.

We don't understand each other's cultures.

So all we're left with is stereotypes

of what we see on the news. I'm from Chicago.

Chicago's one of the most racially segregated cities

in America, if not the world, so I understand how it works.

You white, you live in Chicago, you watch the news.

All you know about Black people is we live on the South Side,

we shoot each other.

You Black, you live in Chicago, you watch the news,

all you know about white people is that y'all eat hummus

and run marathons. That's all the fuck you know.

So when we see each other downtown,

they like, "Don't shoot."

It's like, "We not. Just don't run.

It's not like that. Let's talk about this shit."

It's not that bad.

Chicago is like probably

the most racially segregated city that I've experienced.

A friend of mine says it's like a banquet dinner.

Everything has its own compartment where it goes.

I would go to the West Side of Chicago,

and I would stay with my grandmother on the weekends.

So my mother would-- she would work,

and my grandmother would have us for the weekend

while she was working.

So that--the West Side of Chicago,

predominantly Black neighborhood.

So it was like a...

It was like being around kids

But not sound--looking like 'em but not sounding like 'em.

The majority of my life,

I had always just lived around Hispanic people.

So my understanding of the world was Black and Latino people,

and I never really interacted with white people like that.

In Chicago, I live in a gentrified neighborhood.

I grew up in the neighborhood, so I knew what it was,

and I could see the difference in what it is now.

And a lot of times people hear, "gentrification."

They think, "Oh, they made the neighborhood better."

It's like, yeah but no.

Gentrification is like--it's like, "Extreme Makeover," right?

You live in a neighborhood. This big-ass bus

pull up in front of your neighborhood.

Everybody get on the other side of the bus.

Sometime go by.

[laughter]

Everybody from the community, they standing. They like,

"Move...that...bus!"

And the fucking bus pull up. Everybody like, "Oh, shit!

"Oh, shit! We got a Trader Joe's!

"We finally got a fucking grocery store!

"Oh, this shit is amazing!

"Hot yoga. Don't know what the fuck it is,

"but I'm doing it. I'm doing that shit.

"It's in the neighborhood.

"Oh! This shit gon' be fucking amazing.

"What is this? Bookstore?

"Okay. Fuck it. We going. We doing all this shit.

"Ah, this shit is amazing.

Our neighborhood been shit. Oh! When can we move back in?"

They like, "You can't. Actually, that bus waiting for y'all.

Get on it and get the fuck out of here."

It's called the, "Christopher Columbus Express."

I feel like all stereotypes have a tad bit of truth to 'em.

All ster--They got a mustard seed of truth in 'em.

Like, like, for instance-- Like, so I've researched it.

White people stereotype is that all white people are the devil.

Right? And, um...

Research. I--This is not my thought process.

I found this out. Google.

And, um, I ain't got no punch line for that joke yet.

I'm still... [chuckles] I'm still working on it.

[laughter]

Here's a stereotype about Blacks and Latinos.

They say Black and Latinos-- They say we loud.

We talk very loud all the time, everywhere. We talk loud.

And I thought about that shit. I was like, "Yeah, we are loud."

And I figured out why we loud.

The reason Blacks and Latinos are loud

is because all of our lives, we've been talking

through 3-inch bulletproof glass

to people that don't speak English

at gas stations, corner stores,

and restaurants in our neighborhood.

That shit is a condition.

You go to a gas station in the hood,

you gotta go in there and fucking yell--

"Let me get $10 on pump 6!"

You can't just turn that shit off.

You've been doing it all day, your whole life.

Like, I hate Subway in my neighborhood

because Subway--we got bulletproof glass at Subway.

I'm not making this shit up.

It's the dumbest shit in the world to me.

'Cause in my mind, who the fuck break into Subway

with a gun and a Ziploc bag,

stealing meats and cheeses and shit?

"Put the shit in the bag!

The provolone, motherfucker! Put the shit in the bag!

Put some cookies in it, too! Not the oatmeal, the chocolate chip!

Make it a meal!"

[laughter]

I imagine an Indian dude behind the glass--

Like, "I'm sorry. I can only put so much meat on the sandwich."

"Hey, I will shoot the shit out of you

if you don't put some more meat on that thin-ass sandwich."

"I'm sorry. I have to charge you extra."

[laughter]

I go in Subway. I order my food through bulletproof glass.

I gotta yell.

"Let me get a Cold Cut Trio, 6-inch, wheat toasted!"

Now you know how they make your sandwich in Subway.

They put it on a counter. They slide it down.

They put the condiments on.

Guy won't make my sandwich like that.

He was holding my sandwich like a blunt.

[laughter]

Every time I asked for a condiment,

I'm like, "Can I get some pickles and lettuce?"

He like, "Pickles and lettuce"?

[laughter]

I'm thinking-- in my head, I'm like,

you know what? This guy is a sandwich technician. Um...

Maybe he got his own style of making sandwiches.

I'm like, fuck it. I'm-a buy the sandwich.

Now you know they get down to the end of the line

and wrap it up, put it in a bag.

He got down to the end of the line,

and he licked my goddamn sandwich. He...

[laughter]

He's like, "You said you wanted toasted, right?"

I was like, "Yeah." He was like...

[laughter]

I'm like, "Man, put some cookies in the bag. I need those."

Need those goddamn cookies.

When we lost my grandmother, I was in college.

And my mother, like, every day was in the hospital.

'Cause she was, like, she was, like, in a coma for, like,

what felt like a year.

And my mother was up there, like, every single day.

I remember when I got the phone call.

My brother called me, was like, "Oh, she had a stroke.

She in a coma." And, like, in that moment,

Like, I-I accept it,

like, "Oh, that's it." And I remember I cried.

And then speaking at her funeral--

It was like a--I just wrote, like, a letter to her.

'Cause she used to call me, uh,

she used to call me her little Michael Jordan

'cause I played basketball,

and she was just, like, super supportive of me.

And, um...

[sighs] Oh, man.

But, yeah, I think that-- that part was tough,

like, talking at her funeral.

But I felt like I needed to do it.

Like, that was my--like my official goodbye to her.

My grandmother taught me patience.

Like, be patient. Don't rush nothing.

Just don't shortchange yourself, you know?

So that--that-- that stuck with me.

I'm about to ask a question.

It's gonna be a rhetorical question.

You don't have to answer. I'm just asking it out loud

because it's something I think about.

But I'm-a preface what I'm about to say with this.

I don't know shit about politics.

I don't keep up with politics.

Honestly, I don't even really watch TV that much.

I probably stopped watching TV probably about eight years ago.

'Cause I feel like, you turn on the TV, you see the news.

All this shit going on in the world.

That shit go into your head and end up in your subconscious.

Now you worried about shit you have no control over.

And you stressing out. It's affecting you.

So I just turned the TV off.

But one thing I do know, is I know jobs. I know jobs.

So my question is this--

how the fuck is Donald Trump still president?

[laughter]

Not--And I'm not-- Not even based on politics.

Just on the job-- on the job-fucking-level.

In order to keep a job-- I don't give a fuck

where you work at or what you do--

In order to keep a job, three things--

know what you're doing,

do the shit, don't say nothing fucked up on the clock.

That's all the fuck you gotta do to keep a job.

Four--don't steal. But the top--

But the main three--that's how the fuck you keep your job.

But Donald Trump still got his fucking job.

Still got his fucking job. And I'm like, how? How?

But I get it. I understand. Donald Trump is necessary.

He's necessary at this moment in time,

in this period in history. Donald Trump is a fucking bully,

and we need bullies, 'cause what bullies do

is they point out what the fuck is wrong with you.

They point out--

Remember you was a kid? You go to school.

When you was a kid, you go to school.

Your parent--"Oh, you beautiful. You--You so handsome.

My princess, you so--" Oh! And then you go to school,

and you walk through, and the kid like,

"Why your forehead look like that?"

[laughter]

[imitating crying] And you go home,

and your parents continue to set you up for failure.

"No, they jealous of you. They just jealous.

You gon' grow into your forehead."

And then you go back out to school,

and they like, "You still got a big-ass forehead."

And, eventually, what happens when you're being bullied

is you realize, "You know what? Let me accept my flaws

and accentuate and work on the shit that I'm good at."

And that's what Trump has done to America.

He's--He's shown a very ugly side of America

that we--we cannot turn away from.

And now it's like, okay,

now we gotta work on what the fuck we can.

America loves bullies. America love bullies.

And I know this

because I watch a show called, "American Gladiator."

Y'all remember, "American Gladiator"?

It was a bunch of fucking steroided up...

almost Olympic athletes

trying to murder regular-ass people

in a made-up game situation.

Some dude named fucking, uh, Hank from Nebraska.

He's a--He's a tax accountant

going up against some motherfucker

that just left the combine.

"What game we playing?" "All right, take this Nerf ball

"and try to slam it into that hamper.

We gon' try to kill you in between that."

Like, what? And we watched that shit

'cause we wanna see fucking Hank get murdered

on prime-time television. We need--We need bullies.

So, literally, let's accept this fucking president

for what he is--a bully. Let's go out and be great.

Think about all of the movies in the '80s.

Think about all of the movies we watched in the '80s.

It was about somebody got bullied.

They put the fucking time to work.

They were determined to defeat this bully,

but in the process, they learned something about theirself.

Prime example, y'all remember the movie "The Karate Kid"?

I watched that movie, and I realized something.

In that movie, you know, when you a kid,

you just accept it for what it is,

but as an adult, you can critically think,

and you see things differently. If you don't know, "Karate Kid,"

I'm gonna give you a quick recap of the movie.

Kid named Danny moves to a new town with his mother.

Goes to a new school. Meets a girl. He likes the girl.

The girl's ex-boyfriend-- he's an actual karate kid,

he's an actual karate kid,

and he sees that Danny is digging his girlfriend.

So he start beating him up. He start bullying him.

They beating him the fuck down.

And I don't know what it is about '80s bad kids,

but they wouldn't--they wouldn't just beat you up.

It was always like disturbed.

"I'm gonna fucking destroy you, Caruso!"

It was always like-- "You're fucking dead!"

It's like, "What the fuck going on in the world, man?

This your classmate. Calm down. It's not that serious."

"Fucking destroy you!"

So they fucking beating him up. They jumping on him,

beating him up. One of the kids like,

"Hey, this is enough." "Get the fuck away from me!"

They beating him up, and out of nowhere comes Mr. Miyagi.

Who the fuck is Mr. Miyagi? He's the fucking maintenance man

that works in Danny's building.

Somehow, somewhere he just happened to be

at this undisclosed location that they ran to.

He hops over the fence. He start kicking these kids' ass.

[imitating punches] Saves Danny.

He takes Danny to the Cobra Kai Dojo.

He confronts they sensei. "Hey, look,

they messing with him. Leave him the fuck alone."

Sensei say, "What you gon' do about it?" He look around.

"That tournament right there--

"Danny will fight your boys in that tournament.

Y'all just leave him alone."

Danny like, "I don't know karate."

He like, "I got you. Shut the fuck up."

Take Danny back to his house.

He got Danny fucking painting fences

and scrubbing and cleaning shit,

and Danny just rehabbed his whole backyard.

He just fucking rehabbed-- rehabbed his shit.

Danny like, "You know, I'm fed up. What the fuck?

You just got me out here working. I'm out of here."

"Daniel-san." He stopped him. "Daniel-san, stop!"

[grunting] He doing this shit.

"Oh, shit. I am learning some shit.

All right, cool. I'll keep working. I'll keep working."

Months pass. Tournament comes up.

Mind you, Danny hasn't had an actual fight this entire time.

He's not sparred with a motherfucker, nothing.

He's just been painting fences and waxing on and waxing off.

Also, Danny mother finally show up

in the fucking movie at the end. She didn't come--

She didn't come to check to see how he was doing

or what his progress was like.

She's just at the end of the movie, "All right, we here.

Let's see what happens."

Fucking fight start. Danny start winning.

True '80s fashion. You've got the montage.

Fucking, he winning.

And at some point,

the other sensei see that he might beat one of his kids,

and he like, "You know what? Sweep the leg."

"You sure?" Sweep the leg. Danny go down.

His ankle fucked up.

"Ah! Mm! Ah! Mm! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Mr. Miyagi take him in the back. "Daniel-san, can you fight?"

"I don't--I don't think so."

Then he do this shit with his hands. He clap.

Fucking start rubbing his hands together.

And he reach under Danny-- Danny again, and he touch him.

Danny like, "Aah! What the fuck you doing?"

And he fucking jump up.

"Ah, I'm good. I'm good. I'll fight. I'll fight.

"Just don't--don't do that. I don't know what that was.

I don't feel right."

Danny goes back out there. He limping and shit.

And we saw him do this crane kick at the beach.

And the guy, for whatever reason,

he just run at him with his chin out.

"Aah!" Danny like, "Now."

Pow! This motherfucker kick him in the chin.

Ah! Fucking crowd go wild.

Danny win. Everybody fucking celebrating.

And I'm watching this shit, and I'm like, damn.

He could've just shot that motherfucker.

You guys have been great. I'm Calvin Evans. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[cheering continues]

Whoo! We did it.

We did it.

We all did it.

I'm--I'm 5'10", like, 185 pounds.

I'm like, I--If I would've stayed on a team,

I probably would've rode the bench.

I would've finished college, and I probably would've had,

you know, just been chasing basketball,

trying to play overseas or something.

And then when I got to my, like, late 20s,

I would've decided, like, "Oh, okay, I'm done with this.

Let me go teach or whatever." You know what I'm saying?

So I'm glad that I found something

that I could put my all into

that--that could be a new journey for me.

♪♪♪