All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e12_English

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Emcee: I am trying to be gayer.

In today's political climate,

we cannot let straight people
get away with this shit anymore.

Yeah, right. Exactly.

After gay marriage,
we were like,

"Oh, we'll leave you
alone for now,"

but it's time to come
for you again,

I'm afraid and...

So let's grab props, too.

And let's run
through everything.

My boyfriend and I
got two Chihuahuas.

Chihuahuas, I think,
are the gayest dogs.

[ Laughter ]

Emcee: Pomeranians --
of course, they're gay,

but, you know,
just for my money,

there's nothing like
the tiny, toned body

of a Chihuahua, you know?

They're -- [Chuckles]
They're just so hot, you know?

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

My name is Scout Durwood,
and I'm a comedian.

I firmly believe who all of us
try to be by fitting in

is much more of a mask
than trying to stand out.

I've never wanted to fit in.

And there was a little pocket
where I tried to,

and it was totally unsuccessful.

[ Sighs deeply ]

So now I guess I'm much happier
kind of going, like,

"Oh, I literally don't
need your approval."

And there's a fearlessness
to that.

What I do isn't a single medium.

It's like razzle-dazzle
song and dance,

kind of irreverent comedy show.

For me, it's been like relaxing

into not wanting to be
a part of the popular club

that I've never wanted
to be a part of.

It's taken me a little
over a decade to get here.

So, let's kick the shit
out of this weird show.

Emcee: Are you ready
for your next comedian?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, my goodness!

♪♪

♪♪

Please welcome
the absolutely hilarious

Scout Durwood!

[ Cheers and applause ]

What's up, Austin?

Are you about
to get existential?

♪ Let me introduce myself

♪ My name is Scout,
like Harper Lee ♪

♪ Ugh!

♪ Grown-up manic pixie dream

♪ But I can dance,
and I can sing ♪

♪ Hey, hey, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[ Vocalizing, groans ]

♪ I don't have bad luck dating,
I am the bad luck ♪

♪ Ambivalent, promiscuous,
so I do give a fuck ♪

♪ I'm the flyest daughter fucker
that you ever will meet ♪

♪ Ellen Page on the streets,
DeGeneres in the sheets ♪

♪ My favorite color's mermaid,
my favorite food is Rosé ♪

♪ And I drink it every day

♪ I got a gym membership
that I don't use ♪

♪ And also, I am a dog mom!

I love my dog so much.

♪ If you like anecdotal news
from NPR ♪

♪ Say, "Sarah Koenig"

Audience: Sarah Koenig!

♪ Now raise your glass
to Ira Glass ♪

♪ This pun of puns
is Terry Gross ♪

♪ If you've got OCD,
say, "Oh, yeah" ♪

♪ Say Audience: Oh, yeah.

♪ Now say it nine more times

Audience: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

♪ If you need direction in
your life, put your hands up ♪

♪ If you need direction in
your life, put your hands up ♪

♪ Now go tell your parents
that you did something right ♪

And scream!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

That's it for this first song,
ladies and gentlemen!

Don't use straws.
Scout out.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes!

Nailing it!

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Ladies and gentlemen, I am
wearing bedazzled shapewear,

and I feel very confident.

A little bit about me.

I'm -- I'm very,
like, sex-positive.

I'm very body-positive.

I think it's crazy
that we try to hide

our bodies and our sexuality.

Like, that's literally
where we all came from.

Like, I would --
I would absolutely

release a sex tape of myself
on the Internet.

[ Man whistles ]
Thank you so much.

Just one man.

[ Laughter ]

Can you imagine uploading
your sex tape to YouTube

and being like,
"One view. Very good."

That's...

I would absolutely release

a sex tape of myself
on the Internet,

but I am --

Ugh, I am a lesbian,
so that's...

Like, I don't know if the world
is ready for that...

[ Laughter ]

...for that kind of
meaningful eye contact.

[ Laughter ]

Lesbian porn is just a woman
staring straight to camera,

like, "I see you."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

If only I had my ukulele
for this next number.

Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen,
a butch in a romper!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Um...
[ Chuckles ]

I hate social media.

I genuinely believe
social media's destroying

our capability
for basic human connection.

Whoop -- So this is
a song I wrote called

"These Are Things I've Tweeted
That I Think Are Funny."

And now I want
to say them onstage.

Do you guys have matching shoes?

Are you guys a couple?!

That is so fucking cute!

Who bought the shoes?

-I did.
-You did?!

They're wearing matching
pink New Balance,

which is baller because
New Balance are nerdy shoes.

Like, that's not...

[ Laughter ]

That's great.
You guys are great.

No ad campaign is like,
"New Balance!"

[ Laughter ]

No professional athletes like,
"You've given up?

New Balance!"

[ Laughter ]

"You don't give a fuck
and like to stroll?

New Balance!"

[ Laughter ]

[ Ukulele plays ]

♪♪

All right.
It goes like this.

♪ These are things
I've tweeted ♪

♪ That I think are funny

♪ Now I wanna say
them onstage ♪

♪ I tweeted them once
and got a digital laugh ♪

♪ Now I'll say them
again for you ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, on

[ Chuckling ]
♪ Stage

Ladies, looking for
a straight man in a gay bar

is like looking for a needle
in a "Hey, girl," haystack.

[ Laughter ]

#AmIRight?!

[ Chuckles ]
#ItGetsBetter.

When people find out
I'm a lesbian,

they often want
to have sex with me.

And full disclosure,
I've had a lot of sex.

But honestly, having sex with me
is like buying a Prius --

It's much quieter
than you'd expect.

[ Laughter ]

And lesbianism aside,

my favorite part of the day
is when the mail comes.

[ Laughter ]

When the mailc--

♪ These are things
I've tweeted ♪

♪ That I think are funny

♪ Now I wanna say them
onstage, oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna do two more jokes
right now ♪

♪ And then I'm gonna get off

[ Laughter ]

♪ The ukulele

Hey, guys, what do you get

when you drop a pre-packaged
frozen waffle on the beach?

What?

[ Laughter ]

San Diego.

♪ San Diego

Hey, guys!

do you think if you go
to Starbucks in Mexico

and ask for soy milk...

[ Laughter ]

...they think you're having
an identity crisis?

#SoyLeche. #AmIMilk?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you guys so much!

I was born and raised
in Kansas City.

I spent every summer
at the pool.

I had, like, a very,
like, Midwest family.

Like, my mom made
weird casseroles for dinner.

I have two sisters.
I have one on each side.

I always wanted
to be a performer,

but I was so shy
I couldn't speak.

And I was weird.
Like, I was, like...

Like, one time for Halloween,

I was like, "I want to be
a basket of lettuce!"

and, like, couldn't explain why
but, like, made the costume.

I was so happy.

I had this very vivid
imaginary-friends world.

And I wore a tiara
to school every day.

But I started, like,
kind of getting teased.

I got really sad.

I, like, stopped wanting
to go to school.

Things were, like,
going really badly.

My parents were, like,
just machete-hacking

their way through a divorce.

I just stopped...

being happy.

At the end of 7th grade,

I wrote a short story,
and my main character,

who was loosely
based on my life,

just violently killed herself
at the end.

And I, like, dropped red
food coloring on the page,

being like,
"Mm, mm, mm, I'm so arty."

And they, like, called me
in the office and were like,

"You're out of here, kiddo."
And I -- They locked me up.

It was awful.

They locked me in a padded room.

They also thought
I was psychotic

because I talked to myself
all the time or whatever.

And then they put me on,
like, anti-psychotics.

And I had braces at the time.

So I'd, like, pop my pills
between my braces

and pop them out
when I got back to my room.

It was emotionally rough.

My parents did an incredible job
raising us, but it was like,

you know, we had
a really rough deck of cards,

and everyone kind of dealt
with it as best they could.

[ Laughter ]

I am a heavy drinker,
and I went to my doctor

and she was like,
"How much do you drink?"

And I do what you do
at the doctor, which is lie,

and I just rounded to
the nearest ten drinks a week.

And she's like,
"Well, that's too much."

And I was like,
"Well, what's the right amount

of drinks in a week?"

She's like, "Seven."

And I was like,
"Uh, no, it's not.

[ Laughter ]

No way is it seven."
Like, zero can be a correct --

For a lot of people,
the correct number is zero.

Some people are like,
"It's poison. No, thank you."

And good for you, and you're
not invited to my party.

But good for you,
and good for you and have fun.

And here's a juice,
and get out of here, Shelby.

You know, like, good for you.

I am a heavy drinker,
and I hate when comedians

onstage, like, make --

They, like, talk about how much

they drink, you know,
and I'm like, "Ugh.

Like, if you have to tell me,
it's not true."

Like, true worshippers
of the Church of Alcohol do it,

you know, discretely,
in private.

Like, we could be doing it
in front of you and, like,

you don't even know
it's happening.

You know what I mean?[ Laughter ]

Um, So, this is a song I wrote,

and it's a -- it's a love song
about the only thing in life

I've ever truly loved...

which is alcohol.

Hit it!

It goes like this.

♪ All my friends that want me

♪ I'm dangerous, adoring

♪ This love is a losing game

♪ Still, I can't resist it

♪ Shadows insist it

♪ Come daybreak, I'll be
calling out your name ♪

♪ Uh, uh

♪ Chase the nights
till morning ♪

♪ Anything but boring

♪ Love that's not
afraid to fly ♪

That's a bird.

♪ Kiss me with no warning

♪ Bruise me till I'm soaring

♪ Unravel, leaving me
afraid to die ♪

Pole dance.

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ Pretty, pretty bottles

♪ Prettiest that I have known

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ I can hear you callin'

♪ Pretty soon

Yes!

♪ Drink like no one's watchin'

♪ Never me that's stoppin'

♪ Worry, worry, go away

Don't be scared.

♪ No such thing as painless

♪ Empty isn't stainless

♪ Love is harder
than the thing ♪

What's your name?
Doesn't matter.

It's not your show.
♪ The candle of the bottle

♪ Like a rock star
and a model ♪

♪ The burn,
the best part of the flame ♪

♪ Not a drop and leanin'
Thank you.

♪ Bumpin' bottles swingin'

♪ Slurring words with
no symptom of shame ♪

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ Pretty, pretty bottles

♪ Prettiest that I have known

Ugh!

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ I can hear you callin'

♪ Pretty soon

♪ Pretty soon we'll be
here all alone ♪

Take it back!

♪♪

Choreography.

♪ I could write a novel
at the bottom of a bottle ♪

♪ Sober, I can't
whisper your name ♪

♪ Oh, oh

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ I can hear you callin'

♪ Pretty soon

♪ Pretty soon we'll
be here all a ♪

♪ Lone

[ Cheers and applause ]

After college,
I moved to New York.

New York night life
changed my life.

Like, those five years

helped define who I am.

I tried a little bit
of everything.

I emceed burlesque shows
as Lady Scoutington.

And that was, like,
basically me,

but, like, stage me.

I got so disinterested
with being Scout Durwood

and was just so much better
at being Lady Scoutington

I felt like, "I don't know
how to talk to people."

Then it was like,
"Then talk at them.

Get taller than everybody in
the room, hold the microphone."

And, like, I was
just a wizard at it.

You, like, walk
through the audience,

and you're singing a song,

and you just make fun of people.

I was really quick-witted.

And it felt like
I'm basically doing standup.

So then I started
performing in clubs.

One of the hardest things
about standup is,

there's only one button
that's right.

I've never been great at getting
up on a stage in a T-shirt

and just telling
joke after joke.

I didn't fit in.

I was thinking

that I needed to be
something that I'm not.

A lot of that time,
I would drink.

I mean, I would, like --
I would, like, royally drink.

I was still running from how
much sad there was in the past.

You have to kind of hit a point

where you're like,
"I'm okay being me."

My comedy voice is very much
defined by the music,

and for a while, I wanted
to keep them really separate

and write songs that were songs
and jokes that were jokes.

Now it's, like,
sticking them together.

The target moved a little bit,

but it's much more,
like, what I love to do,

which is a big
razzle-dazzle stage show.

Goddamn! The road is long.

[ Sighs deeply ]

[ Laughter ]

Whenever people
find out I'm gay,

they always want
to know the same thing.

They're always like, "Who's
your favorite Indigo Girl?"

[ Scoffs ] And I'm like, "Amy.
Just kidding. It's Emily."

No, um...

You guys know.
Emily for life.

What's up?

They always want to know
if I've ever had sex with a man,

and the answer to that is yes.

But in my defense,
it was the week I moved

from New York City
to Los Angeles.

And, like, the men in LA...

look so much like
the lesbians in New York.

[ Laughter ]

And that's my bad,
and that's 15 minutes of my life

I'll never get back,
and we move on.

Silence regret.

Men hit on me a lot.

It's very awkward.
I was at a --

Most of the parts of this
next joke are true.

I was at a baseball game.
That's a lie. Don't do sports.

But I was --
Wherever I was,

I was out and about,
and this guy came up to me,

and he was hitting on me,
and I was like, you know,

"Thank you so much, sir,
but I'll stop you here.

Full disclosure, I am a lesbian,

so I don't want to waste
your time or mine.

So, you know...
[Chuckles]

off into the night with ye!"

I don't even know.

I never know how to defuse
those awkward -- Hyah!

[ Laughter ]

And he was like,
"Yeah, I get it."

And that was his --
I mean...

That's the only voice
I can do for men.

And it's not --
That's not fair,

but you guys are winning
everything else,

so give me this.

He's like, "No, I get it.
But answer me this.

Is it really better to have
a woman going down on you

than when a guy's going at it?"

And I -- This --
This is his thing.

I didn't make it up.
I couldn't if I wanted to.

This isn't a sound or motion

that I associate with
physical intimacy.

And I was like,
"Oh, my God! Ugh!"

I -- Like, I felt crazy.
I was like, "I'm so sorry.

You know, sometimes going at it

is not the best way
to please a lady."

And this guy looked at me
like I was nuts.

Like, he looked at me like
I had just killed a kitten.

But I had not killed a kitten.

I had saved a pussy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Give me that last track, Janis![ Up-beat music plays ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much

for coming out to this show!

We love you guys so much.

In the immortal words
of Coco Chanel,

"After you dress,
before you leave the house,

look in the mirror
and take one thing off."

It goes...
♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

Here we go, girls.

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

Start the verse.
It goes...

♪ Take it off, and let it go

♪ You don't need it anymore

♪ Shake that shit
and double down ♪

♪ Bump and grind,
now cut and meow ♪

♪ Hold your tongue,
but don't hold back ♪

♪ Fall so hard
you can't go back ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy,
what Coco say ♪

♪ Naked is the better way

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off,
one thing off ♪

♪ First your shirt
and then your pants ♪

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

♪ Now shut your mouth
and dance ♪

♪ Jelly Belly, chicken wing

♪ On and off, step in the ring

♪ The night's too hot,
you put it on ♪

♪ 'Cause it got a response,
it gets free gum ♪

♪ Work it, work it, yodelay

♪ Que sera,
don't win, just play ♪

♪ Strip like poker,
dealer's choice ♪

♪ Raise your glass,
raise your voice ♪

♪ Unhook

♪ Unbutton

♪ In here, bet your inhibition

♪ Take your cherry off the top

♪ Strip on Sundays,
make it hot ♪

♪ Don't knit with shrimp
skinny-dip ♪

♪ Pick a float and let it rip

♪ Wind-up times
of dribble, shoot ♪

♪ Revel in your birthday suit

♪ Drip yourself with attitude

♪ Don't care what
they think of you ♪

♪ Just be a peach
without the pit ♪

♪ Throw on back,
you're limitless ♪

♪ One thing off,
take one thing off ♪

♪ One thing off

♪ Leave it, you don't like it

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

♪ Now shut your mouth
and dance ♪

Ladies and gentlemen![ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you for this
incredible night!

Give it up
for Catherine McCafferty!

Kacy Boccumini!

♪♪

My name is Scout Durwood.

Thank you to all of you!

Let's get drunk!
Let's get naked!

[ Chuckles ]

And shut your mouth and dance!

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes!

Thank you so much!
Thank you!

[ Cheers continues ]

Yay!

Yay!

Thank you guys so much!

Enjoy the rest of your night!
Thank you!

Emcee: One more time,
please, for Scout Durwood!

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes!

I do think comedy
is many things.

And there's no reason

for me to be something
that I'm not.

Thank you, guys.

Great job, guys.

I think it's a really
hard industry

to feel successful.

But, like, I'm doing it.

Like, the world's my oyster.

-Hi!
-I thought you were fabulous.

Oh, my gosh.
Thank you so much.

I really enjoyed your show.
It was so good.

-Thank you for coming.
-So great.

Yeah.
Oh, thanks so much.

I wish that I could
tell my younger self,

"This is gonna
make you feel good."

When I was in 7th and 8th grade,

I wore a tiara to school
every day,

and I, like,
took it off in college.

And then I started
wearing them again in shows,

and someone was like,

"Why did you ever stop
wearing those?"

And I thought, "You cannot
wear a tiara and be a comic."

But, like, now I am.

And it's much more freeing.

I think 7th-grade Scout would
would be really proud of me.

-I'm sorry, you're amazing.
-Oh, God.

Thank you.
Thanks for coming.

You're like, "It's gonna
be a little dance."

-I'm like, "What?!"
-Thanks.

And you can sing.
I can't sing.

Getting to have the comedy voice
that I want to have --

[ Voice breaking ] I think
it's been, like, a long...

It's been, like, long,
and it's been hard.

But it's...

It's everything I wanted.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!