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♪♪
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[ Laughter ]
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Emcee: I am trying to be gayer.
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00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,673
In today's political climate,
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we cannot let straight people
get away with this shit anymore.
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Yeah, right. Exactly.
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After gay marriage,
we were like,
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"Oh, we'll leave you
alone for now,"
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00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,547
but it's time to come
for you again,
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I'm afraid and...
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So let's grab props, too.
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And let's run
through everything.
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My boyfriend and I
got two Chihuahuas.
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Chihuahuas, I think,
are the gayest dogs.
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[ Laughter ]
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Emcee: Pomeranians --
of course, they're gay,
17
00:00:47,438 --> 00:00:49,918
but, you know,
just for my money,
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there's nothing like
the tiny, toned body
19
00:00:56,273 --> 00:00:58,233
of a Chihuahua, you know?
20
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They're -- [Chuckles]
They're just so hot, you know?
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[ Laughter ]
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♪♪
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My name is Scout Durwood,
and I'm a comedian.
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I firmly believe who all of us
try to be by fitting in
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is much more of a mask
than trying to stand out.
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I've never wanted to fit in.
27
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And there was a little pocket
where I tried to,
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and it was totally unsuccessful.
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[ Sighs deeply ]
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So now I guess I'm much happier
kind of going, like,
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"Oh, I literally don't
need your approval."
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And there's a fearlessness
to that.
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What I do isn't a single medium.
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It's like razzle-dazzle
song and dance,
35
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kind of irreverent comedy show.
36
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For me, it's been like relaxing
37
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into not wanting to be
a part of the popular club
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that I've never wanted
to be a part of.
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It's taken me a little
over a decade to get here.
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So, let's kick the shit
out of this weird show.
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Emcee: Are you ready
for your next comedian?
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Oh, my goodness!
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♪♪
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♪♪
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Please welcome
the absolutely hilarious
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Scout Durwood!
48
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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What's up, Austin?
50
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Are you about
to get existential?
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♪ Let me introduce myself
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♪ My name is Scout,
like Harper Lee ♪
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♪ Ugh!
54
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♪ Grown-up manic pixie dream
55
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♪ But I can dance,
and I can sing ♪
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♪ Hey, hey, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
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[ Vocalizing, groans ]
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♪ I don't have bad luck dating,
I am the bad luck ♪
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♪ Ambivalent, promiscuous,
so I do give a fuck ♪
60
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:58,790
♪ I'm the flyest daughter fucker
that you ever will meet ♪
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♪ Ellen Page on the streets,
DeGeneres in the sheets ♪
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00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,571
♪ My favorite color's mermaid,
my favorite food is Rosé ♪
63
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♪ And I drink it every day
64
00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:08,454
♪ I got a gym membership
that I don't use ♪
65
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♪ And also, I am a dog mom!
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I love my dog so much.
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♪ If you like anecdotal news
from NPR ♪
68
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♪ Say, "Sarah Koenig"
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Audience: Sarah Koenig!
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♪ Now raise your glass
to Ira Glass ♪
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00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:27,638
♪ This pun of puns
is Terry Gross ♪
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♪ If you've got OCD,
say, "Oh, yeah" ♪
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♪ Say Audience: Oh, yeah.
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♪ Now say it nine more times
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Audience: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
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♪ If you need direction in
your life, put your hands up ♪
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♪ If you need direction in
your life, put your hands up ♪
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♪ Now go tell your parents
that you did something right ♪
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And scream!
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♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh
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That's it for this first song,
ladies and gentlemen!
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Don't use straws.
Scout out.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Yes!
85
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Nailing it!
86
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[ Laughter ]
87
00:04:03,678 --> 00:04:05,328
[ Chuckles ]
88
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am
wearing bedazzled shapewear,
89
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,690
and I feel very confident.
90
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,299
A little bit about me.
91
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:16,300
I'm -- I'm very,
like, sex-positive.
92
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,043
I'm very body-positive.
93
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:19,913
I think it's crazy
that we try to hide
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our bodies and our sexuality.
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Like, that's literally
where we all came from.
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00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,922
Like, I would --
I would absolutely
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00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:29,091
release a sex tape of myself
on the Internet.
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[ Man whistles ]
Thank you so much.
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Just one man.
100
00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:35,225
[ Laughter ]
101
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,665
Can you imagine uploading
your sex tape to YouTube
102
00:04:37,712 --> 00:04:39,412
and being like,
"One view. Very good."
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That's...
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I would absolutely release
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00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:46,199
a sex tape of myself
on the Internet,
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but I am --
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Ugh, I am a lesbian,
so that's...
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00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,290
Like, I don't know if the world
is ready for that...
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00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:55,336
[ Laughter ]
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00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:58,992
...for that kind of
meaningful eye contact.
111
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[ Laughter ]
112
00:05:02,258 --> 00:05:04,908
Lesbian porn is just a woman
staring straight to camera,
113
00:05:04,956 --> 00:05:06,646
like, "I see you."
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00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:10,307
[ Laughter ]
115
00:05:10,353 --> 00:05:13,143
[ Applause ]
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If only I had my ukulele
for this next number.
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Oh!
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Ladies and gentlemen,
a butch in a romper!
119
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[ Cheers and applause ]
120
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,761
Um...
[ Chuckles ]
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I hate social media.
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I genuinely believe
social media's destroying
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our capability
for basic human connection.
124
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:38,382
Whoop -- So this is
a song I wrote called
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00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:42,205
"These Are Things I've Tweeted
That I Think Are Funny."
126
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,784
And now I want
to say them onstage.
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00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:45,651
Do you guys have matching shoes?
128
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Are you guys a couple?!
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That is so fucking cute!
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00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:49,869
Who bought the shoes?
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-I did.
-You did?!
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They're wearing matching
pink New Balance,
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00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:55,749
which is baller because
New Balance are nerdy shoes.
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00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,180
Like, that's not...
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00:05:57,226 --> 00:05:58,616
[ Laughter ]
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00:05:58,662 --> 00:05:59,972
That's great.
You guys are great.
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00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:03,191
No ad campaign is like,
"New Balance!"
138
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,712
[ Laughter ]
139
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:08,406
No professional athletes like,
"You've given up?
140
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,275
New Balance!"
141
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:12,546
[ Laughter ]
142
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,719
"You don't give a fuck
and like to stroll?
143
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,675
New Balance!"
144
00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:19,814
[ Laughter ]
145
00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:21,687
[ Ukulele plays ]
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♪♪
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All right.
It goes like this.
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♪ These are things
I've tweeted ♪
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♪ That I think are funny
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00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:36,088
♪ Now I wanna say
them onstage ♪
151
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,794
♪ I tweeted them once
and got a digital laugh ♪
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00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:41,533
♪ Now I'll say them
again for you ♪
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00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:44,875
♪ Oh, oh, oh, on
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[ Chuckling ]
♪ Stage
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Ladies, looking for
a straight man in a gay bar
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is like looking for a needle
in a "Hey, girl," haystack.
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00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:56,547
[ Laughter ]
158
00:06:56,590 --> 00:07:00,160
AmIRight?!
159
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:04,899
[ Chuckles ]
ItGetsBetter.
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00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,466
When people find out
I'm a lesbian,
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00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:07,953
they often want
to have sex with me.
162
00:07:07,992 --> 00:07:09,992
And full disclosure,
I've had a lot of sex.
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00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:13,998
But honestly, having sex with me
is like buying a Prius --
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It's much quieter
than you'd expect.
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[ Laughter ]
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00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:21,443
And lesbianism aside,
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my favorite part of the day
is when the mail comes.
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[ Laughter ]
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00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:35,849
When the mailc--
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♪ These are things
I've tweeted ♪
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♪ That I think are funny
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♪ Now I wanna say them
onstage, oh ♪
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♪ I'm gonna do two more jokes
right now ♪
174
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♪ And then I'm gonna get off
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[ Laughter ]
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♪ The ukulele
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00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:58,520
Hey, guys, what do you get
178
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:01,785
when you drop a pre-packaged
frozen waffle on the beach?
179
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:03,269
What?
180
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:05,218
[ Laughter ]
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00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,787
San Diego.
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♪ San Diego
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Hey, guys!
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do you think if you go
to Starbucks in Mexico
185
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:24,722
and ask for soy milk...
186
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:28,505
[ Laughter ]
187
00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:31,421
...they think you're having
an identity crisis?
188
00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:35,647
SoyLeche. AmIMilk?
189
00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,909
[ Cheers and applause ]
190
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Thank you guys so much!
191
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I was born and raised
in Kansas City.
192
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I spent every summer
at the pool.
193
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:50,878
I had, like, a very,
like, Midwest family.
194
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Like, my mom made
weird casseroles for dinner.
195
00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:57,750
I have two sisters.
I have one on each side.
196
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,448
I always wanted
to be a performer,
197
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,665
but I was so shy
I couldn't speak.
198
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,535
And I was weird.
Like, I was, like...
199
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,017
Like, one time for Halloween,
200
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,847
I was like, "I want to be
a basket of lettuce!"
201
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,806
and, like, couldn't explain why
but, like, made the costume.
202
00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:14,245
I was so happy.
203
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:17,732
I had this very vivid
imaginary-friends world.
204
00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:21,264
And I wore a tiara
to school every day.
205
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:24,829
But I started, like,
kind of getting teased.
206
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,298
I got really sad.
207
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:29,608
I, like, stopped wanting
to go to school.
208
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,136
Things were, like,
going really badly.
209
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:34,309
My parents were, like,
just machete-hacking
210
00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:35,916
their way through a divorce.
211
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,876
I just stopped...
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00:09:37,925 --> 00:09:40,185
being happy.
213
00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:42,631
At the end of 7th grade,
214
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:45,239
I wrote a short story,
and my main character,
215
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,370
who was loosely
based on my life,
216
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:49,632
just violently killed herself
at the end.
217
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,806
And I, like, dropped red
food coloring on the page,
218
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:54,512
being like,
"Mm, mm, mm, I'm so arty."
219
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:57,640
And they, like, called me
in the office and were like,
220
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,864
"You're out of here, kiddo."
And I -- They locked me up.
221
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:02,783
It was awful.
222
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:05,519
They locked me in a padded room.
223
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:07,081
They also thought
I was psychotic
224
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:09,568
because I talked to myself
all the time or whatever.
225
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,649
And then they put me on,
like, anti-psychotics.
226
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,608
And I had braces at the time.
227
00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:16,617
So I'd, like, pop my pills
between my braces
228
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:19,969
and pop them out
when I got back to my room.
229
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:21,710
It was emotionally rough.
230
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:26,321
My parents did an incredible job
raising us, but it was like,
231
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:28,674
you know, we had
a really rough deck of cards,
232
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:31,665
and everyone kind of dealt
with it as best they could.
233
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:33,588
[ Laughter ]
234
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,373
I am a heavy drinker,
and I went to my doctor
235
00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:38,028
and she was like,
"How much do you drink?"
236
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:40,202
And I do what you do
at the doctor, which is lie,
237
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:44,208
and I just rounded to
the nearest ten drinks a week.
238
00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:45,862
And she's like,
"Well, that's too much."
239
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:46,986
And I was like,
"Well, what's the right amount
240
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:48,597
of drinks in a week?"
241
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,998
She's like, "Seven."
242
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:54,262
And I was like,
"Uh, no, it's not.
243
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,175
[ Laughter ]
244
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:58,480
No way is it seven."
Like, zero can be a correct --
245
00:10:58,527 --> 00:11:00,357
For a lot of people,
the correct number is zero.
246
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,968
Some people are like,
"It's poison. No, thank you."
247
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:03,709
And good for you, and you're
not invited to my party.
248
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:06,710
But good for you,
and good for you and have fun.
249
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,363
And here's a juice,
and get out of here, Shelby.
250
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:11,056
You know, like, good for you.
251
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:15,065
I am a heavy drinker,
and I hate when comedians
252
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:16,549
onstage, like, make --
253
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:17,978
They, like, talk about how much
254
00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:19,635
they drink, you know,
and I'm like, "Ugh.
255
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,989
Like, if you have to tell me,
it's not true."
256
00:11:22,029 --> 00:11:24,949
Like, true worshippers
of the Church of Alcohol do it,
257
00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,638
you know, discretely,
in private.
258
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,116
Like, we could be doing it
in front of you and, like,
259
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,645
you don't even know
it's happening.
260
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,649
You know what I mean?[ Laughter ]
261
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,432
Um, So, this is a song I wrote,
262
00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:37,386
and it's a -- it's a love song
about the only thing in life
263
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:39,515
I've ever truly loved...
264
00:11:39,568 --> 00:11:41,788
which is alcohol.
265
00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:42,791
Hit it!
266
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,702
It goes like this.
267
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,397
♪ All my friends that want me
268
00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:48,714
♪ I'm dangerous, adoring
269
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:53,321
♪ This love is a losing game
270
00:11:53,364 --> 00:11:55,154
♪ Still, I can't resist it
271
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:57,372
♪ Shadows insist it
272
00:11:57,412 --> 00:12:00,202
♪ Come daybreak, I'll be
calling out your name ♪
273
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:01,761
♪ Uh, uh
274
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:03,718
♪ Chase the nights
till morning ♪
275
00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,896
♪ Anything but boring
276
00:12:05,942 --> 00:12:09,162
♪ Love that's not
afraid to fly ♪
277
00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:10,506
That's a bird.
278
00:12:10,555 --> 00:12:12,245
♪ Kiss me with no warning
279
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,776
♪ Bruise me till I'm soaring
280
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:17,691
♪ Unravel, leaving me
afraid to die ♪
281
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,037
Pole dance.
282
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:21,036
♪ All the pretty bottles
283
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,478
♪ Pretty, pretty bottles
284
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:27,745
♪ Prettiest that I have known
285
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,710
♪ All the pretty bottles
286
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,059
♪ I can hear you callin'
287
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,749
♪ Pretty soon
288
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,357
Yes!
289
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:38,317
♪ Drink like no one's watchin'
290
00:12:38,366 --> 00:12:40,666
♪ Never me that's stoppin'
291
00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:43,236
♪ Worry, worry, go away
292
00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:45,114
Don't be scared.
293
00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:47,065
♪ No such thing as painless
294
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:49,384
♪ Empty isn't stainless
295
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:51,210
♪ Love is harder
than the thing ♪
296
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:52,898
What's your name?
Doesn't matter.
297
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:55,466
It's not your show.
♪ The candle of the bottle
298
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,913
♪ Like a rock star
and a model ♪
299
00:12:57,951 --> 00:13:02,691
♪ The burn,
the best part of the flame ♪
300
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:04,478
♪ Not a drop and leanin'
Thank you.
301
00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:06,702
♪ Bumpin' bottles swingin'
302
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:11,142
♪ Slurring words with
no symptom of shame ♪
303
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:13,101
♪ All the pretty bottles
304
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,360
♪ Pretty, pretty bottles
305
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:18,543
♪ Prettiest that I have known
306
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:19,840
Ugh!
307
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,626
♪ All the pretty bottles
308
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,890
♪ I can hear you callin'
309
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:28,373
♪ Pretty soon
310
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,936
♪ Pretty soon we'll be
here all alone ♪
311
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,204
Take it back!
312
00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:33,806
♪♪
313
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:37,076
Choreography.
314
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:41,300
♪ I could write a novel
at the bottom of a bottle ♪
315
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:44,392
♪ Sober, I can't
whisper your name ♪
316
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:45,832
♪ Oh, oh
317
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:47,738
♪ All the pretty bottles
318
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:49,833
♪ I can hear you callin'
319
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:54,492
♪ Pretty soon
320
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:58,879
♪ Pretty soon we'll
be here all a ♪
321
00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:01,405
♪ Lone
322
00:14:01,449 --> 00:14:06,759
[ Cheers and applause ]
323
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:09,982
After college,
I moved to New York.
324
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:11,983
New York night life
changed my life.
325
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:13,495
Like, those five years
326
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:16,768
helped define who I am.
327
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:19,162
I tried a little bit
of everything.
328
00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:23,246
I emceed burlesque shows
as Lady Scoutington.
329
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,907
And that was, like,
basically me,
330
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:27,912
but, like, stage me.
331
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:30,964
I got so disinterested
with being Scout Durwood
332
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,130
and was just so much better
at being Lady Scoutington
333
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:36,177
I felt like, "I don't know
how to talk to people."
334
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:38,183
Then it was like,
"Then talk at them.
335
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,835
Get taller than everybody in
the room, hold the microphone."
336
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,660
And, like, I was
just a wizard at it.
337
00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:44,007
You, like, walk
through the audience,
338
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,447
and you're singing a song,
339
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:48,103
and you just make fun of people.
340
00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:49,708
I was really quick-witted.
341
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:52,848
And it felt like
I'm basically doing standup.
342
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:56,852
So then I started
performing in clubs.
343
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,416
One of the hardest things
about standup is,
344
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:01,992
there's only one button
that's right.
345
00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:04,161
I've never been great at getting
up on a stage in a T-shirt
346
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,337
and just telling
joke after joke.
347
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:07,523
I didn't fit in.
348
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:08,818
I was thinking
349
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,784
that I needed to be
something that I'm not.
350
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,827
A lot of that time,
I would drink.
351
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:18,000
I mean, I would, like --
I would, like, royally drink.
352
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:24,577
I was still running from how
much sad there was in the past.
353
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:25,969
You have to kind of hit a point
354
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:31,452
where you're like,
"I'm okay being me."
355
00:15:31,495 --> 00:15:34,715
My comedy voice is very much
defined by the music,
356
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:37,499
and for a while, I wanted
to keep them really separate
357
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:40,675
and write songs that were songs
and jokes that were jokes.
358
00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:42,462
Now it's, like,
sticking them together.
359
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,251
The target moved a little bit,
360
00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:50,254
but it's much more,
like, what I love to do,
361
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:53,427
which is a big
razzle-dazzle stage show.
362
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:55,224
Goddamn! The road is long.
363
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,738
[ Sighs deeply ]
364
00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:00,052
[ Laughter ]
365
00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:01,399
Whenever people
find out I'm gay,
366
00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,138
they always want
to know the same thing.
367
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:04,959
They're always like, "Who's
your favorite Indigo Girl?"
368
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:08,617
[ Scoffs ] And I'm like, "Amy.
Just kidding. It's Emily."
369
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:10,103
No, um...
370
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:11,543
You guys know.
Emily for life.
371
00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:13,099
What's up?
372
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,096
They always want to know
if I've ever had sex with a man,
373
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,368
and the answer to that is yes.
374
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,461
But in my defense,
it was the week I moved
375
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,980
from New York City
to Los Angeles.
376
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:25,164
And, like, the men in LA...
377
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:28,511
look so much like
the lesbians in New York.
378
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,692
[ Laughter ]
379
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:35,604
And that's my bad,
and that's 15 minutes of my life
380
00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:36,996
I'll never get back,
and we move on.
381
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,519
Silence regret.
382
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:39,962
Men hit on me a lot.
383
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,389
It's very awkward.
I was at a --
384
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,045
Most of the parts of this
next joke are true.
385
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,049
I was at a baseball game.
That's a lie. Don't do sports.
386
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,741
But I was --
Wherever I was,
387
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,748
I was out and about,
and this guy came up to me,
388
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,660
and he was hitting on me,
and I was like, you know,
389
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:52,615
"Thank you so much, sir,
but I'll stop you here.
390
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,103
Full disclosure, I am a lesbian,
391
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:56,283
so I don't want to waste
your time or mine.
392
00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:58,759
So, you know...
[Chuckles]
393
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,060
off into the night with ye!"
394
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:02,717
I don't even know.
395
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,070
I never know how to defuse
those awkward -- Hyah!
396
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,292
[ Laughter ]
397
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,031
And he was like,
"Yeah, I get it."
398
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,332
And that was his --
I mean...
399
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:12,898
That's the only voice
I can do for men.
400
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,124
And it's not --
That's not fair,
401
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:15,513
but you guys are winning
everything else,
402
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,426
so give me this.
403
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:19,471
He's like, "No, I get it.
But answer me this.
404
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:22,346
Is it really better to have
a woman going down on you
405
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:25,869
than when a guy's going at it?"
406
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:27,704
And I -- This --
This is his thing.
407
00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:30,612
I didn't make it up.
I couldn't if I wanted to.
408
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,048
This isn't a sound or motion
409
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:35,364
that I associate with
physical intimacy.
410
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:37,192
And I was like,
"Oh, my God! Ugh!"
411
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,320
I -- Like, I felt crazy.
I was like, "I'm so sorry.
412
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:40,712
You know, sometimes going at it
413
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,105
is not the best way
to please a lady."
414
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,189
And this guy looked at me
like I was nuts.
415
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:48,888
Like, he looked at me like
I had just killed a kitten.
416
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:51,767
But I had not killed a kitten.
417
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,459
I had saved a pussy.
418
00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:56,767
[ Cheers and applause ]
419
00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:59,864
Give me that last track, Janis![ Up-beat music plays ]
420
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:01,564
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much
421
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:03,732
for coming out to this show!
422
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:05,128
We love you guys so much.
423
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:06,821
In the immortal words
of Coco Chanel,
424
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,518
"After you dress,
before you leave the house,
425
00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:10,695
look in the mirror
and take one thing off."
426
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,311
It goes...
♪ One thing off
427
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,142
♪ Take one thing off
428
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:16,180
♪ One thing off
429
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:17,225
Here we go, girls.
430
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:18,400
♪ One thing off
431
00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:20,095
♪ Take one thing off
432
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,672
♪ One thing off
433
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,319
Start the verse.
It goes...
434
00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:24,973
♪ Take it off, and let it go
435
00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:26,316
♪ You don't need it anymore
436
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:27,796
♪ Shake that shit
and double down ♪
437
00:18:27,845 --> 00:18:29,325
♪ Bump and grind,
now cut and meow ♪
438
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:31,019
♪ Hold your tongue,
but don't hold back ♪
439
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,456
♪ Fall so hard
you can't go back ♪
440
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:34,032
♪ Shimmy, shimmy,
what Coco say ♪
441
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:35,239
♪ Naked is the better way
442
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,718
♪ One thing off
443
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,727
♪ Take one thing off,
one thing off ♪
444
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,340
♪ First your shirt
and then your pants ♪
445
00:18:41,381 --> 00:18:42,691
♪ One thing off
446
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:44,300
♪ Take one thing off
447
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:45,950
♪ One thing off
448
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,604
♪ Now shut your mouth
and dance ♪
449
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,128
♪ Jelly Belly, chicken wing
450
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:50,611
♪ On and off, step in the ring
451
00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:52,261
♪ The night's too hot,
you put it on ♪
452
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:53,865
♪ 'Cause it got a response,
it gets free gum ♪
453
00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:55,345
♪ Work it, work it, yodelay
454
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:56,785
♪ Que sera,
don't win, just play ♪
455
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:58,401
♪ Strip like poker,
dealer's choice ♪
456
00:18:58,441 --> 00:18:59,921
♪ Raise your glass,
raise your voice ♪
457
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:01,184
♪ Unhook
458
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,787
♪ Unbutton
459
00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:06,007
♪ In here, bet your inhibition
460
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:08,797
♪ Take your cherry off the top
461
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:11,503
♪ Strip on Sundays,
make it hot ♪
462
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,591
♪ Don't knit with shrimp
skinny-dip ♪
463
00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:15,150
♪ Pick a float and let it rip
464
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:16,677
♪ Wind-up times
of dribble, shoot ♪
465
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,110
♪ Revel in your birthday suit
466
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,767
♪ Drip yourself with attitude
467
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,030
♪ Don't care what
they think of you ♪
468
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,552
♪ Just be a peach
without the pit ♪
469
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:24,246
♪ Throw on back,
you're limitless ♪
470
00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:27,173
♪ One thing off,
take one thing off ♪
471
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,779
♪ One thing off
472
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,209
♪ Leave it, you don't like it
473
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:31,426
♪ One thing off
474
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:33,084
♪ Take one thing off
475
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:34,558
♪ One thing off
476
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,258
♪ Now shut your mouth
and dance ♪
477
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,385
Ladies and gentlemen![ Cheers and applause ]
478
00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:40,878
Thank you for this
incredible night!
479
00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:45,268
Give it up
for Catherine McCafferty!
480
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:48,364
Kacy Boccumini!
481
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:49,934
♪♪
482
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,231
My name is Scout Durwood.
483
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:52,627
Thank you to all of you!
484
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:55,189
Let's get drunk!
Let's get naked!
485
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:56,667
[ Chuckles ]
486
00:19:56,717 --> 00:20:00,897
And shut your mouth and dance!
487
00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:03,548
[ Cheers and applause ]Yes!
488
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:06,473
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
489
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,639
[ Cheers continues ]
490
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:10,425
Yay!
491
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:12,390
Yay!
492
00:20:12,428 --> 00:20:13,908
Thank you guys so much!
493
00:20:13,951 --> 00:20:18,301
Enjoy the rest of your night!
Thank you!
494
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:22,217
Emcee: One more time,
please, for Scout Durwood!
495
00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:25,964
[ Cheers and applause ]Yes!
496
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:27,877
I do think comedy
is many things.
497
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:29,712
And there's no reason
498
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,270
for me to be something
that I'm not.
499
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:32,407
Thank you, guys.
500
00:20:32,448 --> 00:20:34,228
Great job, guys.
501
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:35,626
I think it's a really
hard industry
502
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:37,369
to feel successful.
503
00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:39,800
But, like, I'm doing it.
504
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:41,407
Like, the world's my oyster.
505
00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:42,807
-Hi!
-I thought you were fabulous.
506
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,240
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you so much.
507
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:45,456
I really enjoyed your show.
It was so good.
508
00:20:45,505 --> 00:20:46,585
-Thank you for coming.
-So great.
509
00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:48,066
Yeah.
Oh, thanks so much.
510
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:50,206
I wish that I could
tell my younger self,
511
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,469
"This is gonna
make you feel good."
512
00:20:52,512 --> 00:20:53,902
When I was in 7th and 8th grade,
513
00:20:53,948 --> 00:20:55,338
I wore a tiara to school
every day,
514
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:57,394
and I, like,
took it off in college.
515
00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:59,690
And then I started
wearing them again in shows,
516
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:01,126
and someone was like,
517
00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:03,042
"Why did you ever stop
wearing those?"
518
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:06,347
And I thought, "You cannot
wear a tiara and be a comic."
519
00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:08,395
But, like, now I am.
520
00:21:08,441 --> 00:21:11,441
And it's much more freeing.
521
00:21:11,487 --> 00:21:13,917
I think 7th-grade Scout would
would be really proud of me.
522
00:21:13,968 --> 00:21:15,318
-I'm sorry, you're amazing.
-Oh, God.
523
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:16,711
Thank you.
Thanks for coming.
524
00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:17,803
You're like, "It's gonna
be a little dance."
525
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:19,021
-I'm like, "What?!"
-Thanks.
526
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,630
And you can sing.
I can't sing.
527
00:21:20,670 --> 00:21:23,330
Getting to have the comedy voice
that I want to have --
528
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:26,459
[ Voice breaking ] I think
it's been, like, a long...
529
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:29,772
It's been, like, long,
and it's been hard.
530
00:21:29,810 --> 00:21:31,030
But it's...
531
00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:32,902
It's everything I wanted.
532
00:21:36,469 --> 00:21:47,389
♪♪
533
00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:58,446
♪♪
534
00:21:58,491 --> 00:22:09,421
♪♪
535
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:10,758
Sykes: Oy vey!
536
00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:12,367
Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!
38859
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