Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Emcee: I am trying to be gayer.

In today's political climate,

we cannot let straight people get away with this shit anymore.

Yeah, right. Exactly.

After gay marriage, we were like,

"Oh, we'll leave you alone for now,"

but it's time to come for you again,

I'm afraid and...

So let's grab props, too.

And let's run through everything.

My boyfriend and I got two Chihuahuas.

Chihuahuas, I think, are the gayest dogs.

[ Laughter ]

Emcee: Pomeranians -- of course, they're gay,

but, you know, just for my money,

there's nothing like the tiny, toned body

of a Chihuahua, you know?

They're -- [Chuckles] They're just so hot, you know?

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

My name is Scout Durwood, and I'm a comedian.

I firmly believe who all of us try to be by fitting in

is much more of a mask than trying to stand out.

I've never wanted to fit in.

And there was a little pocket where I tried to,

and it was totally unsuccessful.

[ Sighs deeply ]

So now I guess I'm much happier kind of going, like,

"Oh, I literally don't need your approval."

And there's a fearlessness to that.

What I do isn't a single medium.

It's like razzle-dazzle song and dance,

kind of irreverent comedy show.

For me, it's been like relaxing

into not wanting to be a part of the popular club

that I've never wanted to be a part of.

It's taken me a little over a decade to get here.

So, let's kick the shit out of this weird show.

Emcee: Are you ready for your next comedian?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, my goodness!

♪♪

♪♪

Please welcome the absolutely hilarious

Scout Durwood!

[ Cheers and applause ]

What's up, Austin?

Are you about to get existential?

♪ Let me introduce myself

♪ My name is Scout, like Harper Lee ♪

♪ Ugh!

♪ Grown-up manic pixie dream

♪ But I can dance, and I can sing ♪

♪ Hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[ Vocalizing, groans ]

♪ I don't have bad luck dating, I am the bad luck ♪

♪ Ambivalent, promiscuous, so I do give a fuck ♪

♪ I'm the flyest daughter fucker that you ever will meet ♪

♪ Ellen Page on the streets, DeGeneres in the sheets ♪

♪ My favorite color's mermaid, my favorite food is Rosé ♪

♪ And I drink it every day

♪ I got a gym membership that I don't use ♪

♪ And also, I am a dog mom!

I love my dog so much.

♪ If you like anecdotal news from NPR ♪

♪ Say, "Sarah Koenig"

Audience: Sarah Koenig!

♪ Now raise your glass to Ira Glass ♪

♪ This pun of puns is Terry Gross ♪

♪ If you've got OCD, say, "Oh, yeah" ♪

♪ Say Audience: Oh, yeah.

♪ Now say it nine more times

Audience: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

♪ If you need direction in your life, put your hands up ♪

♪ If you need direction in your life, put your hands up ♪

♪ Now go tell your parents that you did something right ♪

And scream!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

That's it for this first song, ladies and gentlemen!

Don't use straws. Scout out.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes!

Nailing it!

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Ladies and gentlemen, I am wearing bedazzled shapewear,

and I feel very confident.

A little bit about me.

I'm -- I'm very, like, sex-positive.

I'm very body-positive.

I think it's crazy that we try to hide

our bodies and our sexuality.

Like, that's literally where we all came from.

Like, I would -- I would absolutely

release a sex tape of myself on the Internet.

[ Man whistles ] Thank you so much.

Just one man.

[ Laughter ]

Can you imagine uploading your sex tape to YouTube

and being like, "One view. Very good."

That's...

I would absolutely release

a sex tape of myself on the Internet,

but I am --

Ugh, I am a lesbian, so that's...

Like, I don't know if the world is ready for that...

[ Laughter ]

...for that kind of meaningful eye contact.

[ Laughter ]

Lesbian porn is just a woman staring straight to camera,

like, "I see you."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

If only I had my ukulele for this next number.

Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen, a butch in a romper!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Um... [ Chuckles ]

I hate social media.

I genuinely believe social media's destroying

our capability for basic human connection.

Whoop -- So this is a song I wrote called

"These Are Things I've Tweeted That I Think Are Funny."

And now I want to say them onstage.

Do you guys have matching shoes?

Are you guys a couple?!

That is so fucking cute!

Who bought the shoes?

-I did. -You did?!

They're wearing matching pink New Balance,

which is baller because New Balance are nerdy shoes.

Like, that's not...

[ Laughter ]

That's great. You guys are great.

No ad campaign is like, "New Balance!"

[ Laughter ]

No professional athletes like, "You've given up?

New Balance!"

[ Laughter ]

"You don't give a fuck and like to stroll?

New Balance!"

[ Laughter ]

[ Ukulele plays ]

♪♪

All right. It goes like this.

♪ These are things I've tweeted ♪

♪ That I think are funny

♪ Now I wanna say them onstage ♪

♪ I tweeted them once and got a digital laugh ♪

♪ Now I'll say them again for you ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, on

[ Chuckling ] ♪ Stage

Ladies, looking for a straight man in a gay bar

is like looking for a needle in a "Hey, girl," haystack.

[ Laughter ]

AmIRight?!

[ Chuckles ] ItGetsBetter.

When people find out I'm a lesbian,

they often want to have sex with me.

And full disclosure, I've had a lot of sex.

But honestly, having sex with me is like buying a Prius --

It's much quieter than you'd expect.

[ Laughter ]

And lesbianism aside,

my favorite part of the day is when the mail comes.

[ Laughter ]

When the mailc--

♪ These are things I've tweeted ♪

♪ That I think are funny

♪ Now I wanna say them onstage, oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna do two more jokes right now ♪

♪ And then I'm gonna get off

[ Laughter ]

♪ The ukulele

Hey, guys, what do you get

when you drop a pre-packaged frozen waffle on the beach?

What?

[ Laughter ]

San Diego.

♪ San Diego

Hey, guys!

do you think if you go to Starbucks in Mexico

and ask for soy milk...

[ Laughter ]

...they think you're having an identity crisis?

SoyLeche. AmIMilk?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you guys so much!

I was born and raised in Kansas City.

I spent every summer at the pool.

I had, like, a very, like, Midwest family.

Like, my mom made weird casseroles for dinner.

I have two sisters. I have one on each side.

I always wanted to be a performer,

but I was so shy I couldn't speak.

And I was weird. Like, I was, like...

Like, one time for Halloween,

I was like, "I want to be a basket of lettuce!"

and, like, couldn't explain why but, like, made the costume.

I was so happy.

I had this very vivid imaginary-friends world.

And I wore a tiara to school every day.

But I started, like, kind of getting teased.

I got really sad.

I, like, stopped wanting to go to school.

Things were, like, going really badly.

My parents were, like, just machete-hacking

their way through a divorce.

I just stopped...

being happy.

At the end of 7th grade,

I wrote a short story, and my main character,

who was loosely based on my life,

just violently killed herself at the end.

And I, like, dropped red food coloring on the page,

being like, "Mm, mm, mm, I'm so arty."

And they, like, called me in the office and were like,

"You're out of here, kiddo." And I -- They locked me up.

It was awful.

They locked me in a padded room.

They also thought I was psychotic

because I talked to myself all the time or whatever.

And then they put me on, like, anti-psychotics.

And I had braces at the time.

So I'd, like, pop my pills between my braces

and pop them out when I got back to my room.

It was emotionally rough.

My parents did an incredible job raising us, but it was like,

you know, we had a really rough deck of cards,

and everyone kind of dealt with it as best they could.

[ Laughter ]

I am a heavy drinker, and I went to my doctor

and she was like, "How much do you drink?"

And I do what you do at the doctor, which is lie,

and I just rounded to the nearest ten drinks a week.

And she's like, "Well, that's too much."

And I was like, "Well, what's the right amount

of drinks in a week?"

She's like, "Seven."

And I was like, "Uh, no, it's not.

[ Laughter ]

No way is it seven." Like, zero can be a correct --

For a lot of people, the correct number is zero.

Some people are like, "It's poison. No, thank you."

And good for you, and you're not invited to my party.

But good for you, and good for you and have fun.

And here's a juice, and get out of here, Shelby.

You know, like, good for you.

I am a heavy drinker, and I hate when comedians

onstage, like, make --

They, like, talk about how much

they drink, you know, and I'm like, "Ugh.

Like, if you have to tell me, it's not true."

Like, true worshippers of the Church of Alcohol do it,

you know, discretely, in private.

Like, we could be doing it in front of you and, like,

you don't even know it's happening.

You know what I mean?[ Laughter ]

Um, So, this is a song I wrote,

and it's a -- it's a love song about the only thing in life

I've ever truly loved...

which is alcohol.

Hit it!

It goes like this.

♪ All my friends that want me

♪ I'm dangerous, adoring

♪ This love is a losing game

♪ Still, I can't resist it

♪ Shadows insist it

♪ Come daybreak, I'll be calling out your name ♪

♪ Uh, uh

♪ Chase the nights till morning ♪

♪ Anything but boring

♪ Love that's not afraid to fly ♪

That's a bird.

♪ Kiss me with no warning

♪ Bruise me till I'm soaring

♪ Unravel, leaving me afraid to die ♪

Pole dance.

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ Pretty, pretty bottles

♪ Prettiest that I have known

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ I can hear you callin'

♪ Pretty soon

Yes!

♪ Drink like no one's watchin'

♪ Never me that's stoppin'

♪ Worry, worry, go away

Don't be scared.

♪ No such thing as painless

♪ Empty isn't stainless

♪ Love is harder than the thing ♪

What's your name? Doesn't matter.

It's not your show. ♪ The candle of the bottle

♪ Like a rock star and a model ♪

♪ The burn, the best part of the flame ♪

♪ Not a drop and leanin' Thank you.

♪ Bumpin' bottles swingin'

♪ Slurring words with no symptom of shame ♪

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ Pretty, pretty bottles

♪ Prettiest that I have known

Ugh!

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ I can hear you callin'

♪ Pretty soon

♪ Pretty soon we'll be here all alone ♪

Take it back!

♪♪

Choreography.

♪ I could write a novel at the bottom of a bottle ♪

♪ Sober, I can't whisper your name ♪

♪ Oh, oh

♪ All the pretty bottles

♪ I can hear you callin'

♪ Pretty soon

♪ Pretty soon we'll be here all a ♪

♪ Lone

[ Cheers and applause ]

After college, I moved to New York.

New York night life changed my life.

Like, those five years

helped define who I am.

I tried a little bit of everything.

I emceed burlesque shows as Lady Scoutington.

And that was, like, basically me,

but, like, stage me.

I got so disinterested with being Scout Durwood

and was just so much better at being Lady Scoutington

I felt like, "I don't know how to talk to people."

Then it was like, "Then talk at them.

Get taller than everybody in the room, hold the microphone."

And, like, I was just a wizard at it.

You, like, walk through the audience,

and you're singing a song,

and you just make fun of people.

I was really quick-witted.

And it felt like I'm basically doing standup.

So then I started performing in clubs.

One of the hardest things about standup is,

there's only one button that's right.

I've never been great at getting up on a stage in a T-shirt

and just telling joke after joke.

I didn't fit in.

I was thinking

that I needed to be something that I'm not.

A lot of that time, I would drink.

I mean, I would, like -- I would, like, royally drink.

I was still running from how much sad there was in the past.

You have to kind of hit a point

where you're like, "I'm okay being me."

My comedy voice is very much defined by the music,

and for a while, I wanted to keep them really separate

and write songs that were songs and jokes that were jokes.

Now it's, like, sticking them together.

The target moved a little bit,

but it's much more, like, what I love to do,

which is a big razzle-dazzle stage show.

Goddamn! The road is long.

[ Sighs deeply ]

[ Laughter ]

Whenever people find out I'm gay,

they always want to know the same thing.

They're always like, "Who's your favorite Indigo Girl?"

[ Scoffs ] And I'm like, "Amy. Just kidding. It's Emily."

No, um...

You guys know. Emily for life.

What's up?

They always want to know if I've ever had sex with a man,

and the answer to that is yes.

But in my defense, it was the week I moved

from New York City to Los Angeles.

And, like, the men in LA...

look so much like the lesbians in New York.

[ Laughter ]

And that's my bad, and that's 15 minutes of my life

I'll never get back, and we move on.

Silence regret.

Men hit on me a lot.

It's very awkward. I was at a --

Most of the parts of this next joke are true.

I was at a baseball game. That's a lie. Don't do sports.

But I was -- Wherever I was,

I was out and about, and this guy came up to me,

and he was hitting on me, and I was like, you know,

"Thank you so much, sir, but I'll stop you here.

Full disclosure, I am a lesbian,

so I don't want to waste your time or mine.

So, you know... [Chuckles]

off into the night with ye!"

I don't even know.

I never know how to defuse those awkward -- Hyah!

[ Laughter ]

And he was like, "Yeah, I get it."

And that was his -- I mean...

That's the only voice I can do for men.

And it's not -- That's not fair,

but you guys are winning everything else,

so give me this.

He's like, "No, I get it. But answer me this.

Is it really better to have a woman going down on you

than when a guy's going at it?"

And I -- This -- This is his thing.

I didn't make it up. I couldn't if I wanted to.

This isn't a sound or motion

that I associate with physical intimacy.

And I was like, "Oh, my God! Ugh!"

I -- Like, I felt crazy. I was like, "I'm so sorry.

You know, sometimes going at it

is not the best way to please a lady."

And this guy looked at me like I was nuts.

Like, he looked at me like I had just killed a kitten.

But I had not killed a kitten.

I had saved a pussy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Give me that last track, Janis![ Up-beat music plays ]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much

for coming out to this show!

We love you guys so much.

In the immortal words of Coco Chanel,

"After you dress, before you leave the house,

look in the mirror and take one thing off."

It goes... ♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

Here we go, girls.

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

Start the verse. It goes...

♪ Take it off, and let it go

♪ You don't need it anymore

♪ Shake that shit and double down ♪

♪ Bump and grind, now cut and meow ♪

♪ Hold your tongue, but don't hold back ♪

♪ Fall so hard you can't go back ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, what Coco say ♪

♪ Naked is the better way

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off, one thing off ♪

♪ First your shirt and then your pants ♪

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

♪ Now shut your mouth and dance ♪

♪ Jelly Belly, chicken wing

♪ On and off, step in the ring

♪ The night's too hot, you put it on ♪

♪ 'Cause it got a response, it gets free gum ♪

♪ Work it, work it, yodelay

♪ Que sera, don't win, just play ♪

♪ Strip like poker, dealer's choice ♪

♪ Raise your glass, raise your voice ♪

♪ Unhook

♪ Unbutton

♪ In here, bet your inhibition

♪ Take your cherry off the top

♪ Strip on Sundays, make it hot ♪

♪ Don't knit with shrimp skinny-dip ♪

♪ Pick a float and let it rip

♪ Wind-up times of dribble, shoot ♪

♪ Revel in your birthday suit

♪ Drip yourself with attitude

♪ Don't care what they think of you ♪

♪ Just be a peach without the pit ♪

♪ Throw on back, you're limitless ♪

♪ One thing off, take one thing off ♪

♪ One thing off

♪ Leave it, you don't like it

♪ One thing off

♪ Take one thing off

♪ One thing off

♪ Now shut your mouth and dance ♪

Ladies and gentlemen![ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you for this incredible night!

Give it up for Catherine McCafferty!

Kacy Boccumini!

♪♪

My name is Scout Durwood.

Thank you to all of you!

Let's get drunk! Let's get naked!

[ Chuckles ]

And shut your mouth and dance!

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes!

Thank you so much! Thank you!

[ Cheers continues ]

Yay!

Yay!

Thank you guys so much!

Enjoy the rest of your night! Thank you!

Emcee: One more time, please, for Scout Durwood!

[ Cheers and applause ]Yes!

I do think comedy is many things.

And there's no reason

for me to be something that I'm not.

Thank you, guys.

Great job, guys.

I think it's a really hard industry

to feel successful.

But, like, I'm doing it.

Like, the world's my oyster.

-Hi! -I thought you were fabulous.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

I really enjoyed your show. It was so good.

-Thank you for coming. -So great.

Yeah. Oh, thanks so much.

I wish that I could tell my younger self,

"This is gonna make you feel good."

When I was in 7th and 8th grade,

I wore a tiara to school every day,

and I, like, took it off in college.

And then I started wearing them again in shows,

and someone was like,

"Why did you ever stop wearing those?"

And I thought, "You cannot wear a tiara and be a comic."

But, like, now I am.

And it's much more freeing.

I think 7th-grade Scout would would be really proud of me.

-I'm sorry, you're amazing. -Oh, God.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

You're like, "It's gonna be a little dance."

-I'm like, "What?!" -Thanks.

And you can sing. I can't sing.

Getting to have the comedy voice that I want to have --

[ Voice breaking ] I think it's been, like, a long...

It's been, like, long, and it's been hard.

But it's...

It's everything I wanted.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it!