All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e11_English

[ Horns honking,
indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello! Hi. I'm the Mormon one.
How Mormon am I?

Very. I have a bad case
of the Mormonism.

Tried coffee.
It was a little underwhelming.

I had three sips
of my friend's cold brew,

and then I just shit
for 24 hours.

[ Laughter ]

Are y'all kidding me?

You -- You guys never shut up
about coffee, never once.

And then you're like,
"Don't talk to me until
I've had my morning diarrhea.

Please don't..."

-Thank you very much.
-Love ya.

I'd never -- I'd never --
I was 30 years old.

I'd never had
a single sip of alcohol.

Yeah. Never.

And then one day
my wife left me, and...

it just felt like time.

It felt...

It's like -- If you're not
gonna start drinking

when your wife leaves you,

when are you
going to start drinking?

This is it, man. So I did.

I started drinking.
And guess what.

I fucking loved it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

So good! So g--

Alcohol has already done more
for me than religion ever did.

[ Laughter ]

What a game changer!

Also great -- blowjobs.

[ Laughter ]

Mormon God's been holding
a lot of stuff back. This --

I got my first blowjob
when I was 30 years old,

and I giggled the entire time.

"[Giggling] Ohhh! Oh, oh!

Ohh! Ohh! These are great!

Oh, my -- This is why
everyone talks about these!"

[ Laughter ]

Reed: I am Jessa Reed,
and I am a stand-up comedian,

and I have a tendency
to over-share.

I came from the wrong side
of the tracks,

which is kind of a theme
throughout my life.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Other kids
didn't really like me.

I spent a lot of time alone.

That is when my relationship
with comedy began.

I escaped into...

fantasy worlds in my head.

I would watch stand-up comedy,
I'd watch sitcoms

and pretend
that that was my life

and that I lived
in those families.

Woodall: Hey. Hey. Hey.

Woman: Keep it going for
Aaron Woodall, everyone!

Thank you. Thank you.

I learned to use humor
as a way to protect myself.

Woodall: I was stepping
on all my laughs.

All I had to say was "alcohol,"
and people were like, "Yeah!"

Yeah.

It's like, "I'm gonna
tell the joke now."

-That was fun.
-I know.

I have taken the power
out of these things that hurt,

because I'm laughing at them,
and I got you to laugh at them,

and that's what comedy is
for me.

Woman: Are you guys ready
for our next comic?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

We got a great show
for you guys tonight.

You guys ready, San Diego?

Give it up for Jessa Reed,
everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

So, I'm a mom.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I've got four kids.
Yeah, I feel the same.

If you don't know
anything about kids,

four kids is
three kids too many.

They're a pretty decent spread,
though. The oldest is 24.

Don't try to figure out
how old I am.

A 16-year-old stepson, and then
the younger two are 7 and 3.

It's a pretty decent spr--
It'd be perfect

if I could just, like,
trade the 3-year-old in.

[ Laughter ]

Not even for a different kid.
Just her not 3.

'Cause 3 is the worst age.

Yeah. Right? Right?
The worst.

It's also the cutest age,

but I feel like
that's just nature's way

of making sure you don't
put them in the oven.

[ Laughter ]

3 is really when
they start talking,

and then they just
never shut up again.

And I've at least had enough
of them now to know

that I don't have to listen.

When you have your first kid,
you have all these dumb ideas

in your head, like you want
to be a good parent,

but, like, now
I've had enough of them.

They don't give a shit.

They're not talking to you
to communicate anyway.

They're just talking to you
so that they can wear you down

so they can turn you
into an idiot

so that you will hand them shit.

That's it. It's brilliant.

Can you imagine
if this worked for us?

You could just follow
your boss around and be like,

"Can I have a raise?
Can I have a raise?
Can I have a raise?

Can I have a raise?
Can I have a raise?"

And he'd just, like, panic
and write you a check

so you get out of his face?

[ Laughter ]

What was the CIA doing?

Waterboarding?
Who gives a shit?

Send a team of 3-year-olds
down to Guantanamo Bay.

[ Laughter ]

You'd have caught
that motherfucker in 2002.

"Where's Osama? Where's Osama?
Where's Osama?

Where's Osama?
Where's Osama? Where's Osama?

Where's Osama? Where's Osama?
Where's Osama? Where's Osama?"

He'd have been like,
"White flag!

Get your boss in here and tell
her to bring the bignotebook.

I got lots of fucking shit
to tell her.

I'll draw her a map, show her
the secret Facebook group.

I'll convert to Christianity.

Just shut these
fucking kids up!"

Weird having your kids
so far apart --

My oldest was 15.
I had her when I was a teenager.

She was 15 when I started having
more kids, which is kind of --

Like, I recommend
if you can go back in time

and pop one off
when you're a teenager.

I recommend it,
because then you always have

a free babysitter
for date night.

'Cause you just ground 'em.

[ Laughter ]

You don't even have to know what
they did. They did something.

Just, like, ask them to confess,

and then be immediately offended
when they don't and be like,

"All right, fine,
if you don't want to tell me,

I'm not gonna dignify this
with this conversation.

Don't wait up.
Pizza money's on the fridge."

[ Laughter ]

When I was a little kid,
I knew I was gonna be a star.

Like, I would sign
people's autographs

as soon as I could
write my name.

I would just tell people,
"I'm gonna be a star one day."

I knew it. I didn't know
I was gonna be a comedian.

I thought I'd be an actress
or something.

My mother was a drug addict,

My mom was addicted to
what later became meth.

It was crank.

She didn't know
how to connect with me

and couldn't connect with me
'cause she was high.

I really honestly believed
that I was not wanted.

Living with her, I was exposed

to a lot of things
at an early age.

By the time I was about 10,

I had smoked my first cigarette,
I learned what sex was.

The first time I drank,
I was about 15.

I smoked weed shortly after that
for the first time.

I was 16 when I got pregnant
and got married.

That marriage
was such a disaster.

I was about 21 when I found out
that I was good at stand-up.

I got on stage and did a set
and crushed.

This was one of the first
moments in my life

where I started to see myself
through my own eyes

and not society's eyes.

And my husband said, "Yeah,
this was cute and everything,

but, like, no wife of mine is
gonna be a stand-up comedian."

And I was like, "All right.
You want to keep the cat?"

And that was that.

So, I went out
on the road a lot.

I was on a great trajectory,

but there was just a longing
to self-destruct.

I was disillusioned,
so I'd started to do meth.

Things got rough.

I was fucked up
every single day.

I left my daughter with family

and didn't see her
for five years.

I quit comedy
within a couple weeks.

[ Laughter ]

I was a meth-head.
I didn't grow up meth-head.

I became a meth-head
on accident.

Well, I tried it on accident.

I would never try it on purpose.
I'm not a scumbag.

I thought it was coke.

[ Laughter ]

And I thought it was coke

'cause the guy that gave it
to me told me it was coke.

And what kind of world
are we living in

if you can't trust a stranger
giving you drugs?

[ Laughter ]

I was at a gig
in Montana, which --

Whatever. When in Rome.

[ Laughter ]

And I asked the bartender after
the show for a line of white,

because -- this is
a Jessa Reed life hack --

If you do a bump of coke at
the end of a night of drinking,

you won't have a hangover
the next day.

Fuck your little ibuprofen
and water.

Uh...
But don't do this in Montana.

'Cause then I go in the back
and I do the line,

and then the back of my head
catches on fire.

[ Laughter ]

And I was like, "What kind
of Montana bullshit is this?"

I yelled at him. I was like,

"I don't even think
you roofie right, idiot."

You're supposed to roofie girls
so you can fuck 'em,

not so they can help you
take apart your microwave.

[ Laughter ]

He's like, "I didn't roofie you.
You just asked me for this."

I was like, "I asked you for
a line of white -- like coke."

He said, "You are at a pool hall
in Butte, Montana.

[ Laughter ]

We don't have your
fancy city drugs here."

[ Laughter ]

Here's the problem, though.
Uh, meth's fucking great.

So then I just did meth
for the next six years.

Strangest pivot
my life's ever taken.

I was just trying to do
a bump at the club

so I could learn
how to line dance

or whatever the fuck
they do in Montana.

Now I'm alone in my hotel room

shaving off my eyebrows
and shit.

[ Laughter ]

I spent all the money I made
on prepaid phone cards

so I can call back home
and let everyone know like,

"Hey, I found the secret
to happiness, and it's meth.

Who knew?"

They're all just
hanging up on me.

I was so happy,
and no one was happy for me.

And then I just
got belligerent like,

"Well, this is who I am now,

so if you can't take me
at my Montana crankiest...

you don't deserve me
when my teeth fall out."

[ Laughter ]

It was just 27 months later.

Oh, don't feel bad for me.
Teeth suck. Listen.

Uh, teeth are bullshit.
Don't believe the dental lobby.

Get your teeth taken out.
It's fucking amazing.

Some of my opinions
are a little unconventional.

I don't ever have to go
to the dentist again.

You know how bad
the dentist sucks?

I never have to have
a toothache.

I just go in once every five
years and trade them in

and sign a new contract
like it's a fucking cellphone.

I don't ever have to
get them whitened.

If they start to get dingy
from drinking coffee,

I just throw them
in the dishwasher.

[ Laughter ]

They're like, "Bling!"

[ Laughter ]

I haven't jerked anybody off
since I got dentures.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's actually an urban legend.

Look, I'm here to
myth bust the gummer.

Every time I mention
having dentures on stage,

there's always at least
one dude afterward

that comes up, and he's like,

"Uh, hey, that's
a fantasy of mine."

I'm like, "Well,
your fantasy's gross.

"You're gross."
It's impractical, first of all.

You can't even get suction,
'cause there's too much

extra space in your mouth,
and the sounds are terrible.

It sounds like slapping
a head of wet lettuce

into a baseball mitt.

[ Laughter ]

So, that runs its course
in about six years.

I decided to get clean,
I moved to the East Coast

to be with my dad's side
of the family --

a little neighborhood outside
of Philly called Delaware...

...where comedy careers
go to die.

And I have to go to, like,
12 Step meetings or whatever,

but, like, they don't
have meth in Delaware,

which is probably best
in the long run.

But this meant that I had to,
like, be friends

and, like, be in recovery with
people who were addicted

to heroin and shit.

I was like, "Ew, heroin.

That's no way to live."

I know meth is a weird thing
to be so self-righteous about,

but have you ever seen
anyone on heroin?

They make it look like
a bad time.

I was intrigued, though, so
I asked my new junkie friends

like, "Hey, what's
the appeal of that shit?

I mean, don't sell me too hard.

I just got
my driver's license back."

And according to them,
when it's really good,

you'll throw up, and the whole
point is to "nod out,"

which is some kind of
weird code for "take a nap."

And I was like, "Oh, all right.
Well, that's...

the flu.

You all are out here
paying money for the flu?

You want the flu?
Just put your kids in daycare.

Hit that shit
three times a month."

I got clean, I got married,
I moved to suburbia.

Now, that's a weird
paradigm shift

going from the criminal
underbelly of the meth world

to suburbia with, like, people
who've always been in suburbia

with their made-up problems,

always trying to tell me
they're addicted to shit.

I had a lady at hot yoga
try to convince me

that she was "addicted"
to exercise.

I was like, "Yeah, I feel
like you just don't know

what that word means."

She goes, "No, listen!
I'm, like, dead serious.

If I don't make it here
to at least do cardio,

I, like,
literally freak out."

I was like, "Oh, man,
that sounds rough.

So, like, ballpark,
how many dicks have sucked

to score some exercise?"

[ Laughter, applause ]

I did meth for
five-and-a-half years.

My addiction had gotten
out of control.

My family spent several
Christmases

thinking I was dead,
and then I would pop up

and, like, steal something
from my mom's house,

and she would know
I was alive at least.

Also, I had a lot of guilt
about my daughter.

I don't think I was capable of
loving another human being

because I didn't love myself.

One night, I got pulled over.

I was still high, and still,
like, swerving enough

that I got
field sobriety tested.

I thought about it and realized
I needed to get sober.

At 28, I quit drugs.

After that, I had healed a bunch
of broken parts of myself.

There was a moment
where I remember thinking,

"You're not a shitty parent.
You're just high."

And in that moment, I realized

that my mom probably loved me.

The moment I got sober,

I felt all of that love
and attachment

that a parent feels that I had
never felt for my daughter,

and suddenly I was very aware

that I had a child
on this planet,

and that I was
separated from her.

My relationship with my daughter
now is phenomenal.

I had gotten sober, and I found
some head shots up in the attic,

and I just had this flash
of my kid coming across these

and finding out that I used
to do stand-up comedy,

and then I said yes to doing
a recovery show, and I crushed.

And so I got back into stand-up.

I felt like this is where
I feel comfortable,

this is a world where I feel
like I belong in,

and then I met
my partner, Aaron.

Whatever planet I accidentally
got dropped off from,

he's from the same one, and --

Woman: Hold on a second.
You guys are a couple?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.
We're a couple.

Aaron and I met
at Big Sky Comedy Festival.

We immediately
felt connected.

I was helping her
become more vulnerable,

and she was
helping me deprogram

from all the stuff
that religion

had taught me
to be ashamed of.

We have a podcast called
"Mormon and the Meth-Head"

about the similarities
between leaving Mormonism

and reentering society
and leaving meth addiction

and reentering society.

It's been fantastic.

[ Laughter ]

Love being a mom.

Got to pepper those in there.
This is gonna be on TV.

When you have little kids,
your whole job

is just to keep them
from killing themselves.

They're on a 24/7
suicide mission.

Sticking shit
in electrical sockets,

drinking paint,
running out in the streets.

You're like a glorified
security guard.

Then later they become
a teenager, young adult.

Your primarily objective
becomes teaching them

how to be a good person.

Never really been
my strong suit.

I'm a teenage mom turned
meth addict turned comedian.

I don't really think I should
be handing out life advice.

I'm also not a hypocrite,
which I always thought was,

like, a great quality.
I thought we didn't want

be hypocrites, but you have
a teenager in your house

you better be
a fucking hypocrite.

You better have a firewall
in your mind

between the memories
of all cool shit

you did when you were a teenager

and all the lame shit
you're telling them to do,

but I never got that filter --
any filter, obviously.

I just keep blurting out my own
disgusting life experience

and instantly regretting it.

She got dumped in high school
and was like,

"Mom, what did you do the first
time a guy broke your heart?"

And I was like,
"I just fucked his dad."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

So, I home school.

I'm always waiting for that
to end in a fucking CPS call.

Seriously, please call CPS.

I was actually forced
to home school,

'cause the 7-year-old
is gifted.

I know that sounds
so pretentious.

Trust me, I'm not bragging.

I'm complaining.

Having a kid that's smarter
than you fucking sucks.

I haven't won an argument
since she was in diapers.

It's like having an app
on your phone that reminds you

three times a day that you only
got your G.E.D.

She taught herself how to read
when she was 4 years old.

Everyone else
was super impressed.

I thought it was a dick move.

It's three weeks
before Christmas,

and now I can't spell out any
secrets about presents or Santa,

'cause I got Doogie Howser
over here

with her fucking decoder ring.

So, she just started reading,

and I try to text
an invitation --

my ex-husband, you know,
come hang out in the other room.

She's like, "Mommy, why are you
asking Daddy if he wants bangs?

Boys don't have bangs."

And I was like,
"Yeah, nobody has bangs

since you and your sister
were born.

'Cause you're
C-O-C-K-B-L-O-C-K-E-Rs

[ Laughter ]

That's my time.
Thank you so much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Woman: Jessa Reed, everyone!

[ Applause continues ]

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

You n--
Was it okay?

No, you nailed it.

I had all these
reasons for why

I should
never do stand-up again.

I might self destruct again,

I might accidentally
get addicted to drugs,

it's probably not a good idea
for me to be in bars,

but stand-up comedy provided me
with an opportunity to heal

and redeem myself.

That was good.
That was very good.

I feel happy again.
I don't feel alone.

I feel like I have the ability
to share things about myself

that I spent
a lot of my life

thinking were only my issues
and only my flaws,

and what I have found
through stand-up

is that we're all walking around

thinking those
exact same things.

There were so many little
details in there

that you nailed.

It was good.
Thank you.

Comedy is a way
to process pain --

is everything that I love
about comedy.

[ Sighs ]

Fuck.

And so my goal when I do
a comedy show

is to make someone else
feel like they're not alone.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!
Use your knees, Page!

Come on! Push it!