Original subtitles

[ Horns honking, indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello! Hi. I'm the Mormon one. How Mormon am I?

Very. I have a bad case of the Mormonism.

Tried coffee. It was a little underwhelming.

I had three sips of my friend's cold brew,

and then I just shit for 24 hours.

[ Laughter ]

Are y'all kidding me?

You -- You guys never shut up about coffee, never once.

And then you're like, "Don't talk to me until I've had my morning diarrhea.

Please don't..."

-Thank you very much. -Love ya.

I'd never -- I'd never -- I was 30 years old.

I'd never had a single sip of alcohol.

Yeah. Never.

And then one day my wife left me, and...

it just felt like time.

It felt...

It's like -- If you're not gonna start drinking

when your wife leaves you,

when are you going to start drinking?

This is it, man. So I did.

I started drinking. And guess what.

I fucking loved it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

So good! So g--

Alcohol has already done more for me than religion ever did.

[ Laughter ]

What a game changer!

Also great -- blowjobs.

[ Laughter ]

Mormon God's been holding a lot of stuff back. This --

I got my first blowjob when I was 30 years old,

and I giggled the entire time.

"[Giggling] Ohhh! Oh, oh!

Ohh! Ohh! These are great!

Oh, my -- This is why everyone talks about these!"

[ Laughter ]

Reed: I am Jessa Reed, and I am a stand-up comedian,

and I have a tendency to over-share.

I came from the wrong side of the tracks,

which is kind of a theme throughout my life.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Other kids didn't really like me.

I spent a lot of time alone.

That is when my relationship with comedy began.

I escaped into...

fantasy worlds in my head.

I would watch stand-up comedy, I'd watch sitcoms

and pretend that that was my life

and that I lived in those families.

Woodall: Hey. Hey. Hey.

Woman: Keep it going for Aaron Woodall, everyone!

Thank you. Thank you.

I learned to use humor as a way to protect myself.

Woodall: I was stepping on all my laughs.

All I had to say was "alcohol," and people were like, "Yeah!"

Yeah.

It's like, "I'm gonna tell the joke now."

-That was fun. -I know.

I have taken the power out of these things that hurt,

because I'm laughing at them, and I got you to laugh at them,

and that's what comedy is for me.

Woman: Are you guys ready for our next comic?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

We got a great show for you guys tonight.

You guys ready, San Diego?

Give it up for Jessa Reed, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

So, I'm a mom.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I've got four kids. Yeah, I feel the same.

If you don't know anything about kids,

four kids is three kids too many.

They're a pretty decent spread, though. The oldest is 24.

Don't try to figure out how old I am.

A 16-year-old stepson, and then the younger two are 7 and 3.

It's a pretty decent spr-- It'd be perfect

if I could just, like, trade the 3-year-old in.

[ Laughter ]

Not even for a different kid. Just her not 3.

'Cause 3 is the worst age.

Yeah. Right? Right? The worst.

It's also the cutest age,

but I feel like that's just nature's way

of making sure you don't put them in the oven.

[ Laughter ]

3 is really when they start talking,

and then they just never shut up again.

And I've at least had enough of them now to know

that I don't have to listen.

When you have your first kid, you have all these dumb ideas

in your head, like you want to be a good parent,

but, like, now I've had enough of them.

They don't give a shit.

They're not talking to you to communicate anyway.

They're just talking to you so that they can wear you down

so they can turn you into an idiot

so that you will hand them shit.

That's it. It's brilliant.

Can you imagine if this worked for us?

You could just follow your boss around and be like,

"Can I have a raise? Can I have a raise? Can I have a raise?

Can I have a raise? Can I have a raise?"

And he'd just, like, panic and write you a check

so you get out of his face?

[ Laughter ]

What was the CIA doing?

Waterboarding? Who gives a shit?

Send a team of 3-year-olds down to Guantanamo Bay.

[ Laughter ]

You'd have caught that motherfucker in 2002.

"Where's Osama? Where's Osama? Where's Osama?

Where's Osama? Where's Osama? Where's Osama?

Where's Osama? Where's Osama? Where's Osama? Where's Osama?"

He'd have been like, "White flag!

Get your boss in here and tell her to bring the bignotebook.

I got lots of fucking shit to tell her.

I'll draw her a map, show her the secret Facebook group.

I'll convert to Christianity.

Just shut these fucking kids up!"

Weird having your kids so far apart --

My oldest was 15. I had her when I was a teenager.

She was 15 when I started having more kids, which is kind of --

Like, I recommend if you can go back in time

and pop one off when you're a teenager.

I recommend it, because then you always have

a free babysitter for date night.

'Cause you just ground 'em.

[ Laughter ]

You don't even have to know what they did. They did something.

Just, like, ask them to confess,

and then be immediately offended when they don't and be like,

"All right, fine, if you don't want to tell me,

I'm not gonna dignify this with this conversation.

Don't wait up. Pizza money's on the fridge."

[ Laughter ]

When I was a little kid, I knew I was gonna be a star.

Like, I would sign people's autographs

as soon as I could write my name.

I would just tell people, "I'm gonna be a star one day."

I knew it. I didn't know I was gonna be a comedian.

I thought I'd be an actress or something.

My mother was a drug addict,

My mom was addicted to what later became meth.

It was crank.

She didn't know how to connect with me

and couldn't connect with me 'cause she was high.

I really honestly believed that I was not wanted.

Living with her, I was exposed

to a lot of things at an early age.

By the time I was about 10,

I had smoked my first cigarette, I learned what sex was.

The first time I drank, I was about 15.

I smoked weed shortly after that for the first time.

I was 16 when I got pregnant and got married.

That marriage was such a disaster.

I was about 21 when I found out that I was good at stand-up.

I got on stage and did a set and crushed.

This was one of the first moments in my life

where I started to see myself through my own eyes

and not society's eyes.

And my husband said, "Yeah, this was cute and everything,

but, like, no wife of mine is gonna be a stand-up comedian."

And I was like, "All right. You want to keep the cat?"

And that was that.

So, I went out on the road a lot.

I was on a great trajectory,

but there was just a longing to self-destruct.

I was disillusioned, so I'd started to do meth.

Things got rough.

I was fucked up every single day.

I left my daughter with family

and didn't see her for five years.

I quit comedy within a couple weeks.

[ Laughter ]

I was a meth-head. I didn't grow up meth-head.

I became a meth-head on accident.

Well, I tried it on accident.

I would never try it on purpose. I'm not a scumbag.

I thought it was coke.

[ Laughter ]

And I thought it was coke

'cause the guy that gave it to me told me it was coke.

And what kind of world are we living in

if you can't trust a stranger giving you drugs?

[ Laughter ]

I was at a gig in Montana, which --

Whatever. When in Rome.

[ Laughter ]

And I asked the bartender after the show for a line of white,

because -- this is a Jessa Reed life hack --

If you do a bump of coke at the end of a night of drinking,

you won't have a hangover the next day.

Fuck your little ibuprofen and water.

Uh... But don't do this in Montana.

'Cause then I go in the back and I do the line,

and then the back of my head catches on fire.

[ Laughter ]

And I was like, "What kind of Montana bullshit is this?"

I yelled at him. I was like,

"I don't even think you roofie right, idiot."

You're supposed to roofie girls so you can fuck 'em,

not so they can help you take apart your microwave.

[ Laughter ]

He's like, "I didn't roofie you. You just asked me for this."

I was like, "I asked you for a line of white -- like coke."

He said, "You are at a pool hall in Butte, Montana.

[ Laughter ]

We don't have your fancy city drugs here."

[ Laughter ]

Here's the problem, though. Uh, meth's fucking great.

So then I just did meth for the next six years.

Strangest pivot my life's ever taken.

I was just trying to do a bump at the club

so I could learn how to line dance

or whatever the fuck they do in Montana.

Now I'm alone in my hotel room

shaving off my eyebrows and shit.

[ Laughter ]

I spent all the money I made on prepaid phone cards

so I can call back home and let everyone know like,

"Hey, I found the secret to happiness, and it's meth.

Who knew?"

They're all just hanging up on me.

I was so happy, and no one was happy for me.

And then I just got belligerent like,

"Well, this is who I am now,

so if you can't take me at my Montana crankiest...

you don't deserve me when my teeth fall out."

[ Laughter ]

It was just 27 months later.

Oh, don't feel bad for me. Teeth suck. Listen.

Uh, teeth are bullshit. Don't believe the dental lobby.

Get your teeth taken out. It's fucking amazing.

Some of my opinions are a little unconventional.

I don't ever have to go to the dentist again.

You know how bad the dentist sucks?

I never have to have a toothache.

I just go in once every five years and trade them in

and sign a new contract like it's a fucking cellphone.

I don't ever have to get them whitened.

If they start to get dingy from drinking coffee,

I just throw them in the dishwasher.

[ Laughter ]

They're like, "Bling!"

[ Laughter ]

I haven't jerked anybody off since I got dentures.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's actually an urban legend.

Look, I'm here to myth bust the gummer.

Every time I mention having dentures on stage,

there's always at least one dude afterward

that comes up, and he's like,

"Uh, hey, that's a fantasy of mine."

I'm like, "Well, your fantasy's gross.

"You're gross." It's impractical, first of all.

You can't even get suction, 'cause there's too much

extra space in your mouth, and the sounds are terrible.

It sounds like slapping a head of wet lettuce

into a baseball mitt.

[ Laughter ]

So, that runs its course in about six years.

I decided to get clean, I moved to the East Coast

to be with my dad's side of the family --

a little neighborhood outside of Philly called Delaware...

...where comedy careers go to die.

And I have to go to, like, 12 Step meetings or whatever,

but, like, they don't have meth in Delaware,

which is probably best in the long run.

But this meant that I had to, like, be friends

and, like, be in recovery with people who were addicted

to heroin and shit.

I was like, "Ew, heroin.

That's no way to live."

I know meth is a weird thing to be so self-righteous about,

but have you ever seen anyone on heroin?

They make it look like a bad time.

I was intrigued, though, so I asked my new junkie friends

like, "Hey, what's the appeal of that shit?

I mean, don't sell me too hard.

I just got my driver's license back."

And according to them, when it's really good,

you'll throw up, and the whole point is to "nod out,"

which is some kind of weird code for "take a nap."

And I was like, "Oh, all right. Well, that's...

the flu.

You all are out here paying money for the flu?

You want the flu? Just put your kids in daycare.

Hit that shit three times a month."

I got clean, I got married, I moved to suburbia.

Now, that's a weird paradigm shift

going from the criminal underbelly of the meth world

to suburbia with, like, people who've always been in suburbia

with their made-up problems,

always trying to tell me they're addicted to shit.

I had a lady at hot yoga try to convince me

that she was "addicted" to exercise.

I was like, "Yeah, I feel like you just don't know

what that word means."

She goes, "No, listen! I'm, like, dead serious.

If I don't make it here to at least do cardio,

I, like, literally freak out."

I was like, "Oh, man, that sounds rough.

So, like, ballpark, how many dicks have sucked

to score some exercise?"

[ Laughter, applause ]

I did meth for five-and-a-half years.

My addiction had gotten out of control.

My family spent several Christmases

thinking I was dead, and then I would pop up

and, like, steal something from my mom's house,

and she would know I was alive at least.

Also, I had a lot of guilt about my daughter.

I don't think I was capable of loving another human being

because I didn't love myself.

One night, I got pulled over.

I was still high, and still, like, swerving enough

that I got field sobriety tested.

I thought about it and realized I needed to get sober.

At 28, I quit drugs.

After that, I had healed a bunch of broken parts of myself.

There was a moment where I remember thinking,

"You're not a shitty parent. You're just high."

And in that moment, I realized

that my mom probably loved me.

The moment I got sober,

I felt all of that love and attachment

that a parent feels that I had never felt for my daughter,

and suddenly I was very aware

that I had a child on this planet,

and that I was separated from her.

My relationship with my daughter now is phenomenal.

I had gotten sober, and I found some head shots up in the attic,

and I just had this flash of my kid coming across these

and finding out that I used to do stand-up comedy,

and then I said yes to doing a recovery show, and I crushed.

And so I got back into stand-up.

I felt like this is where I feel comfortable,

this is a world where I feel like I belong in,

and then I met my partner, Aaron.

Whatever planet I accidentally got dropped off from,

he's from the same one, and --

Woman: Hold on a second. You guys are a couple?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah. We're a couple.

Aaron and I met at Big Sky Comedy Festival.

We immediately felt connected.

I was helping her become more vulnerable,

and she was helping me deprogram

from all the stuff that religion

had taught me to be ashamed of.

We have a podcast called "Mormon and the Meth-Head"

about the similarities between leaving Mormonism

and reentering society and leaving meth addiction

and reentering society.

It's been fantastic.

[ Laughter ]

Love being a mom.

Got to pepper those in there. This is gonna be on TV.

When you have little kids, your whole job

is just to keep them from killing themselves.

They're on a 24/7 suicide mission.

Sticking shit in electrical sockets,

drinking paint, running out in the streets.

You're like a glorified security guard.

Then later they become a teenager, young adult.

Your primarily objective becomes teaching them

how to be a good person.

Never really been my strong suit.

I'm a teenage mom turned meth addict turned comedian.

I don't really think I should be handing out life advice.

I'm also not a hypocrite, which I always thought was,

like, a great quality. I thought we didn't want

be hypocrites, but you have a teenager in your house

you better be a fucking hypocrite.

You better have a firewall in your mind

between the memories of all cool shit

you did when you were a teenager

and all the lame shit you're telling them to do,

but I never got that filter -- any filter, obviously.

I just keep blurting out my own disgusting life experience

and instantly regretting it.

She got dumped in high school and was like,

"Mom, what did you do the first time a guy broke your heart?"

And I was like, "I just fucked his dad."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

So, I home school.

I'm always waiting for that to end in a fucking CPS call.

Seriously, please call CPS.

I was actually forced to home school,

'cause the 7-year-old is gifted.

I know that sounds so pretentious.

Trust me, I'm not bragging.

I'm complaining.

Having a kid that's smarter than you fucking sucks.

I haven't won an argument since she was in diapers.

It's like having an app on your phone that reminds you

three times a day that you only got your G.E.D.

She taught herself how to read when she was 4 years old.

Everyone else was super impressed.

I thought it was a dick move.

It's three weeks before Christmas,

and now I can't spell out any secrets about presents or Santa,

'cause I got Doogie Howser over here

with her fucking decoder ring.

So, she just started reading,

and I try to text an invitation --

my ex-husband, you know, come hang out in the other room.

She's like, "Mommy, why are you asking Daddy if he wants bangs?

Boys don't have bangs."

And I was like, "Yeah, nobody has bangs

since you and your sister were born.

'Cause you're C-O-C-K-B-L-O-C-K-E-Rs

[ Laughter ]

That's my time. Thank you so much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Woman: Jessa Reed, everyone!

[ Applause continues ]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You n-- Was it okay?

No, you nailed it.

I had all these reasons for why

I should never do stand-up again.

I might self destruct again,

I might accidentally get addicted to drugs,

it's probably not a good idea for me to be in bars,

but stand-up comedy provided me with an opportunity to heal

and redeem myself.

That was good. That was very good.

I feel happy again. I don't feel alone.

I feel like I have the ability to share things about myself

that I spent a lot of my life

thinking were only my issues and only my flaws,

and what I have found through stand-up

is that we're all walking around

thinking those exact same things.

There were so many little details in there

that you nailed.

It was good. Thank you.

Comedy is a way to process pain --

is everything that I love about comedy.

[ Sighs ]

Fuck.

And so my goal when I do a comedy show

is to make someone else feel like they're not alone.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey! Use your knees, Page!

Come on! Push it!