Original subtitles

[ Horn honks ]

♪♪

Coleman: When I was a kid, we had the house that had the pool.

Black kids, white kids, whoever would come over to swim.

In the water, a white person feel a little slimy.

Whoo!

Then I started looking it up.

Why does white people use sunblock so much?

That shit is saving your life.

It's good seeing you, bro.Good to see you.

I was like, "The sun is knocking white people off one by one."

Like, it's for real.

Like, the sun kills so many more white people than anyone else.

I'm like, "Oh, my God. The sun is your LAPD.

Holy shit."

I have to sign the wall.

Every time you headline -- So that was 2009.

Now, here we are in 2018, and I was already here.

My name is Shane Mauss. I am a stand-up comedian.

When I first started stand-up,

I was really just about kind of being weird and goofy,

and so I was a little more of an absurdist,

but my comedy has changed shape and form.

A lot of stuff that I am doing came from a very dark place.

I'm sure a lot of people think, like,

"You got to stay positive and stay driven all the time,"

but I don't think that you need to.

Like, I think you can go through some hard times

and still come out on the other side of it.

And maybe running away from every little icky,

negative emotion isn't the right approach.

Emcee: Are you ready for your final comic of the night?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Please make some noise for Shane Mauss!

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right.

Thank you, guys.

Here is a little bit about me, a little context.

I'm bipolar myself.

I'm a manic-depressive person,

so I kind of got to keep an eye on my noggin.

I didn't get officially diagnosed until last year.

I just didn't really care.

I always knew, but I didn't want to --

You know, we all have our things, you know?

And I'm from a couple hours from here.

I'm from outside of La Crosse, Wisconsin, originally,

and so the mania was the main thing I had to hide.

You know, Midwesterners are practical folk,

and, you know, you can have dreams in the Midwest,

but you keep that shit to yourself.

There's shelters to build, you know.

This is life. This is serious.

And the depression was so easy to hide.

Oh, depression in the Midwest will just float

right under the radar, no problem at all.

"Oh, yeah, he's just hunkering down, you know?"

[ Laughter ]

"Oh, you got to hunker down. It's fucking cold out there."

[ Laughter ]

It's a weird thing to be diagnosed for,

never an appropriate time to go and get a diagnosis.

When you're really depressed,

you don't feel like doing anything,

let alone going and seeing a doctor,

and then when you're a manic,

that's a very strange time to go into a doctor's office.

"Oh, what brings you in today?"

"Well, I'm feeling a little too fantastic right now, Doc.

Can you help me?

I did six months of work last week.

My brain is firing at a million miles an hour,

don't need sleep anymore.

There's an extra gear in my head.

I could do your job for you.

Going to need some lithium,

which I'm going to discard immediately

because this high is never going to end, not this time.

This one is sustainable."

"Should also hook me up with some penicillin

because I just fucked a stranger on the way over here.

Do you have a cure for invincibility?"

Yeah.

Yeah, you got to keep an eye on the spending,

usually, when you're manic.

I'll just -- Any money, I will just --

I'll buy ridiculous things that I can't afford

and have no real use for.

I'll probably be homeless one day because of it,

but I will have an $8,000 massage chair in my box.

You'll drive past me like, "Was that a Brookstone under that bridge?

That was incredible."

"Was that bum just pulling all of his belongings

on a Segway scooter?

What?"

I know. That's going to make me a bit of a target in the camp.

I recognize that.

That's what the ninja sword is for.

The depression is the main thing

I've had to figure out how to deal with, you know,

and they say to reach out for help.

I don't know.

I've tried calling those suicide hotlines,

and they won't help you do it.

[ Laughter ]

I know, false advertising, right?

Agree with you guys.

I do think it's important to start talking about --

I wish we talked more openly about suicide

and things like that because, I mean, I get

that not every social circumstance is appropriate.

Sometimes, people pay good money for a comedy show...

[ Mumbling ]

I get it,

but now if I feel suicidal, I'll just journal about it.

There's actually this Pomodoro Technique.

It's a productivity technique.

I just use it for my suicidal journaling

just to make it nice and efficient.

But the idea is that the human mind

can really only focus very well for like 20 to 30 minutes.

Then, ideally, you want to have, like,

a 5-, 10-minute break, maybe do some dishes,

some stretching, something like that,

get your mind off of it.

That's going to engage your subconscious mind.

That's going to increase memory and creativity.

Then you can go back to journaling about suicide

for 20 to 30 minutes.

Now, that suicide notes turn into a suicide book,

and look who's bumping back into mania?

Because I have a best-seller on my hands.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I'm from a little town called Onalaska, Wisconsin.

I had, like, a very white-picket-fence,

kind of wholesome Midwestern upbringing

that I didn't really fit into.

I was a very rebellious child.

I was always getting into lots of trouble,

being in detention a lot.

I hated school, and I didn't like

that I was trapped in a small town.

But the dream of one day being a comedian

was the only thing that got me through.

Early on in my career, I started doing a few comedy festivals,

and there was this HBO Aspen comedy festival,

and I won an award for best stand-up comic,

and that's when I got a big, fancy Hollywood agent and manager

and kind of had my pick of

whatever representation I wanted,

and I ended up making my TV debut on "Conan."

That year, I had eight TV spots.

It seemed like there was just no stopping me,

and I was like, "Well, I guess I'm just going to be

the biggest stand-up in the world."

At the same time, I was dealing with a lot of drinking issues.

I was having way too much fun in hindsight.

I definitely let my career slip a little bit,

and then, just a lot of things kind of fell through

all at once,

and then things got a little scary.

I started having panic attacks

for the first time in my entire life.

And I am no stranger to depression,

and so it was kind of like I was dealing with a lifetime's worth

of, like, depression that I had never figured out and addressed.

In my mind at the time, making too much of it,

I was just like, "Everything might be over for me.

Everything that I built, it's just not going to work out

like I thought it was going to."

And I started having nervous breakdowns,

and then I was mandatorily

forced into a psych ward against my will,

where I was then officially diagnosed with being bipolar.

[ Laughter ]

I think a lot of life is about managing our expectations.

I think we screw ourselves over.

What most of us do makes perfect sense, right?

You save up a bunch of money.

You go, "Oh, I'm going to go on this Caribbean vacation,

seven days in Hawaii."

It's amazing, oh, goes off without a hitch, paradise.

It's great.

Then you go back to your miserable job that you hate,

grinding it out,

day in and day out of this monotonous bullshit,

just daydreaming about that seven days.

"Oh, wasn't that a good seven days?

Hopefully in a few years,

save up enough to sneak another good seven days in."

Why do we do that to ourselves? I don't know.

Maybe we should do it just the opposite.

Maybe we should save up our money to take a vacation

to Abu Ghraib prison.

I mean, you get water-boarded and sodomized for a week.

Every job is a dream job after that.

Ohh.

You having a rough day around the old cubicle?

Just pull out that souvenir photo,

him dragging you around on a dog leash

while they point at your limp dick.

Maybe your boss isn't so bad after all.

[ Laughter ]

I've been working on balance.

That's a new thing for me. I've never had it.

I've always just been a huge adrenaline junkie

and done tons of partying.

And I've never worked out before,

and I've been trying to just do, like, you know, build the habits

and do the things that you're supposed to do.

And I was like, "Well, I hear this CrossFit stuff,

this seems popular."

I have no business being in CrossFit physically or mentally.

I am 6'4", 170 pounds of just gangly,

uncoordinated, chronic depression.

I can't lift my esteem.

[ Laughter ]

And these guys are just super athletes

doing handstand pushups to warm up,

and they're just the happiest people.

It's just, like, what?

I don't even get it. It is just, "Hey, buddy.

We're going to get an endorphin rush going,

going to get a little runner's high."

After -- I try to be open-minded,

and afterwards, I was like, "Yeah, I guess

I can sort of feel what you're talking about.

Um, let me ask you.

You've never done drugs before, have you?

Because if you like that runner's high"...

Whoo!

..."I know a few things that could really knock your socks off."

[ Laughter ]

Part of the problem -- I do, I have kind of a bad foot

from an old injury, and then more seriously,

and I don't want to get us too bogged down

with a bunch of medical jargon, but I do have kind of a --

It's just, like, a small vacuum in my soul.

And where a lot of people kind of store their meaning

and purpose that has them driving forward in life,

I just kind of have a bit of a void there.

It's not a big deal,

just kind of throws off my internal compass

and has me wandering aimlessly through bewilderment and doubt.

And that makes it super hard to do overhead squats,

as you can tell.

My CrossFit coach says I just need to work on my hip mobility.

Look, I don't want to say that they're dim at CrossFit,

but tires are meant to roll us.

They're not even rolling them. They're flipping them.

They don't even understand how circles work.

So Paleo.

Oh, people were in such better shape

before they figured out circles.

Being in a psych ward for a week, it's worse than --

I've been to jail,

and it was worse than the experience of jail

because there is no sentence.

I didn't know if I was just going to be in a psych ward

for the rest of my life,

and I ended up on the other side of that

in just, like, a very, very dark place,

wondering what the purpose of any of this is.

I just didn't know what I wanted to do.

I didn't know if I wanted to be a comedian anymore,

if I even liked this career.

I ended up writing a lot of jokes about that,

about, like, the pointlessness of a lot of this

and, like, dealing with those feelings,

and then, ironically, that became, like,

a new drive and purpose for me.

I started talking about these things

that a lot of us go through

and don't feel comfortable sharing

and is kind of this social taboo.

Sometimes, I worry that people come out just like,

"Hey, I just want to have a laugh,

and you used to be this goofy guy,

and do you need to talk about, like, the real truth?"

And I go back and forth with that sometimes,

but I have people come up to me after every show

and thank me for talking about being bipolar

or talking about having suicidal thoughts,

and so, I think it's just more important

that the people that need to hear those messages the most

get to hear it

and that they get to have an outlet

for that kind of thing.

I think this is a wonderful time to be a comedian

because people are really exploring

more of the human condition, and that gives me hope.

[ Laughter ]

Here is how little I fit into CrossFit, everybody.

At my CrossFit, they like to do something a little different.

They like to do a little icebreaker question,

a little "get to know you."

Isn't that fun?

"All right, everybody.

What's your favorite guilty pleasure food,

like, a food that you simply can't resist?"

And then someone is like, "Well, twice a year,

I have a slice of pepperoni pizza.

Ahh!

There's a devil in me!"

[ Laughter ]

Meanwhile, I'm 38 years old and on a Halloween diet.

There's not an ounce of nutrition running through this.

So I go in one day, and it's always, like,

a fun little easy-peasy question like that.

It always feels a little uncomfortable for me,

like I'm in kindergarten or something.

But this day -- So I go in, and my CrossFit coach,

she's just this delightful little autonomaton who --

I imagine she lives in a cupcake.

It's how I picture her life,

just a magical gluten-free, sugar-free cupcake

and just wakes each day, "Morning, my favorite!

I hope you're ready for me, life, because here I come."

"Picture of the watch for Instagram -- 4:45.

Beat you again, son.

Hashtag commitment. Hashtag kale party."

And she comes bouncing in to CrossFit to motivate my ass --

no easy task.

I just barely woke up on time for the 3:30 afternoon class,

and I'm just trying to shield myself from her bliss.

It's just so much, and this joy junkie is just like,

"All right, everyone. Question of the day --

What is one year of your life that you wish you could relive?"

Oh, damn, CrossFit is getting real dark today.

Heavens.

This is unexpected and exciting.

I came on the right day.

I'm going to win this class.

I have never felt comfortable in CrossFit until today.

Do you know the flood of memories

that just came crashing through my mind immediately

of just broken bones and inescapable credit-card debt

and failed relationships?

What am I going to pick?

Oh, man.

How do you choose between DUIs and ODs, yeah?

Jail and psych ward?

Do I have to pick one year?

I don't think we're going to have time

for the exercise portion of the class today.

You just opened up Pandora's box for some weird reason.

Oh, man.

Once you start spelunking into the cave of regrets, ugh,

who knows what cringey little treasures you forgot all about?

Oh, the time you couldn't work up the courage

to ask out your high-school crush

or the sharting in gym class.

Always the ones that got away, isn't it?

Oh, man.

I'm taking this nostalgic little stroll down rumination lane,

you know, just simpler times

before the tax liens and the genital warts.

[ Laughter ]

And then she goes, "All right. Here is my year.

I wish I could relive last year because,

during the CrossFit games"...

CrossFit games is like the CrossFit Olympics.

Have you ever been like,

"I would like to see someone on a home rower on television"?

Well, they have, and they do that for some reason.

And anyhow, they get real pumped about it.

"I wish I could take back last year because,

during the CrossFit games, I had to pee really bad,

and I didn't get to enjoy one of the workouts

as much as I would've liked."

Wow, we've had different lives.

Whoo, I'm glad you went first.

Oh, boy.

I was going to say, off the top of my head,

"I don't know, maybe the year I realized that no one

knows what this existence is

or how we got here or what to do with it,

and anyone that claims to is either lying to you

or themselves, most likely both.

Let's see. What year was fifth grade again?"

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, might be more of a shoulder-mobility issue.

That'll probably fix everything.

Wouldn't that be something?

Twenty-plus years of self-medicating

my way through this prison of existence,

turns out just needed a foam roller.

Life, what are you going to do?

Thank you, guys, very much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Shane Mauss, everybody!

One more time!

Mauss: I'll be dealing with my mental-health issues

for the rest of my life,

but right now, I feel the best that I've felt.

I mean, I'm very balanced and healthy,

and I feel like I'm together.

Hey, check out my podcast. Thank you.

There you go. Whoo.

Happiness and well-being is a practice

that you need to just work on day by day

and have these kind of small incremental gains.

Loved your first joke.

Oh, thank you, appreciate it. Thank you.

It's very therapeutic for me to do stand-up

because I know how to deliver a message

and express myself on the stage better than I do in real life.

I'd say the purpose for me being a comedian

has changed over the years,

and now I find myself in a position

where I get to explore what this life is about,

what the purpose, what my purpose,

well, our purpose is, and if that's what I get to say

when everything is said and done in this life,

then I will be pretty happy with the life that I've lived.

♪♪

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Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it!