All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e10_English

[ Horn honks ]

♪♪

Coleman:
When I was a kid, we had
the house that had the pool.

Black kids, white kids,
whoever would come over to swim.

In the water, a white person
feel a little slimy.

Whoo!

Then I started looking it up.

Why does white people
use sunblock so much?

That shit is saving your life.

It's good seeing you, bro.Good to see you.

I was like, "The sun is knocking
white people off one by one."

Like, it's for real.

Like, the sun kills so many more
white people than anyone else.

I'm like, "Oh, my God.
The sun is your LAPD.

Holy shit."

I have to sign the wall.

Every time you headline --
So that was 2009.

Now, here we are in 2018,
and I was already here.

My name is Shane Mauss.
I am a stand-up comedian.

When I first started stand-up,

I was really just about
kind of being weird and goofy,

and so I was a little more
of an absurdist,

but my comedy
has changed shape and form.

A lot of stuff that I am doing
came from a very dark place.

I'm sure a lot of people think,
like,

"You got to stay positive
and stay driven all the time,"

but I don't think
that you need to.

Like, I think you can go through
some hard times

and still come out
on the other side of it.

And maybe running away
from every little icky,

negative emotion
isn't the right approach.

Emcee: Are you ready for
your final comic of the night?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Please make some noise
for Shane Mauss!

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right.

Thank you, guys.

Here is a little bit about me,
a little context.

I'm bipolar myself.

I'm a manic-depressive person,

so I kind of got to keep
an eye on my noggin.

I didn't get officially
diagnosed until last year.

I just didn't really care.

I always knew,
but I didn't want to --

You know, we all have
our things, you know?

And I'm from
a couple hours from here.

I'm from outside of La Crosse,
Wisconsin, originally,

and so the mania was
the main thing I had to hide.

You know, Midwesterners
are practical folk,

and, you know, you can have
dreams in the Midwest,

but you keep that shit
to yourself.

There's shelters to build,
you know.

This is life.
This is serious.

And the depression
was so easy to hide.

Oh, depression in the Midwest
will just float

right under the radar,
no problem at all.

"Oh, yeah, he's just
hunkering down, you know?"

[ Laughter ]

"Oh, you got to hunker down.
It's fucking cold out there."

[ Laughter ]

It's a weird thing
to be diagnosed for,

never an appropriate time
to go and get a diagnosis.

When you're really depressed,

you don't feel
like doing anything,

let alone going
and seeing a doctor,

and then when you're a manic,

that's a very strange time
to go into a doctor's office.

"Oh, what brings you in today?"

"Well, I'm feeling a little
too fantastic right now, Doc.

Can you help me?

I did six months of work
last week.

My brain is firing
at a million miles an hour,

don't need sleep anymore.

There's an extra gear
in my head.

I could do your job for you.

Going to need some lithium,

which I'm going
to discard immediately

because this high is never
going to end, not this time.

This one is sustainable."

"Should also hook me up
with some penicillin

because I just fucked a stranger
on the way over here.

Do you have a cure
for invincibility?"

Yeah.

Yeah, you got to keep an eye
on the spending,

usually, when you're manic.

I'll just -- Any money,
I will just --

I'll buy ridiculous things
that I can't afford

and have no real use for.

I'll probably be homeless
one day because of it,

but I will have an $8,000
massage chair in my box.

You'll drive past me like,
"Was that a Brookstone
under that bridge?

That was incredible."

"Was that bum just pulling
all of his belongings

on a Segway scooter?

What?"

I know. That's going to make me
a bit of a target in the camp.

I recognize that.

That's what the ninja sword
is for.

The depression is the main thing

I've had to figure out
how to deal with, you know,

and they say
to reach out for help.

I don't know.

I've tried calling those
suicide hotlines,

and they won't
help you do it.

[ Laughter ]

I know, false advertising,
right?

Agree with you guys.

I do think it's important
to start talking about --

I wish we talked more openly
about suicide

and things like that
because, I mean, I get

that not every social
circumstance is appropriate.

Sometimes, people pay good money
for a comedy show...

[ Mumbling ]

I get it,

but now if I feel suicidal,
I'll just journal about it.

There's actually this
Pomodoro Technique.

It's a productivity technique.

I just use it for my
suicidal journaling

just to make it
nice and efficient.

But the idea is
that the human mind

can really only focus very well
for like 20 to 30 minutes.

Then, ideally,
you want to have, like,

a 5-, 10-minute break,
maybe do some dishes,

some stretching,
something like that,

get your mind off of it.

That's going to engage
your subconscious mind.

That's going to increase
memory and creativity.

Then you can go back
to journaling about suicide

for 20 to 30 minutes.

Now, that suicide notes
turn into a suicide book,

and look who's
bumping back into mania?

Because I have a best-seller
on my hands.

[ Laughter, applause ]

I'm from a little town
called Onalaska, Wisconsin.

I had, like, a very
white-picket-fence,

kind of wholesome
Midwestern upbringing

that I didn't really fit into.

I was a very rebellious child.

I was always getting into
lots of trouble,

being in detention a lot.

I hated school,
and I didn't like

that I was trapped
in a small town.

But the dream of one day
being a comedian

was the only thing
that got me through.

Early on in my career, I started
doing a few comedy festivals,

and there was this
HBO Aspen comedy festival,

and I won an award
for best stand-up comic,

and that's when I got a big,
fancy Hollywood agent
and manager

and kind of had my pick of

whatever representation
I wanted,

and I ended up
making my TV debut on "Conan."

That year, I had eight TV spots.

It seemed like there
was just no stopping me,

and I was like, "Well, I guess
I'm just going to be

the biggest stand-up
in the world."

At the same time, I was dealing
with a lot of drinking issues.

I was having way too much fun
in hindsight.

I definitely let my career
slip a little bit,

and then, just a lot of things
kind of fell through

all at once,

and then things got
a little scary.

I started having panic attacks

for the first time
in my entire life.

And I am no stranger
to depression,

and so it was kind of like I was
dealing with a lifetime's worth

of, like, depression that I had
never figured out and addressed.

In my mind at the time,
making too much of it,

I was just like, "Everything
might be over for me.

Everything that I built,
it's just not going to work out

like I thought
it was going to."

And I started having
nervous breakdowns,

and then I was mandatorily

forced into a psych ward
against my will,

where I was then officially
diagnosed with being bipolar.

[ Laughter ]

I think a lot of life is about
managing our expectations.

I think we screw ourselves over.

What most of us do makes
perfect sense, right?

You save up a bunch of money.

You go, "Oh, I'm going to go
on this Caribbean vacation,

seven days in Hawaii."

It's amazing, oh, goes off
without a hitch, paradise.

It's great.

Then you go back to your
miserable job that you hate,

grinding it out,

day in and day out
of this monotonous bullshit,

just daydreaming
about that seven days.

"Oh, wasn't that
a good seven days?

Hopefully in a few years,

save up enough to sneak
another good seven days in."

Why do we do that to ourselves?
I don't know.

Maybe we should do it
just the opposite.

Maybe we should save up
our money to take a vacation

to Abu Ghraib prison.

I mean, you get water-boarded
and sodomized for a week.

Every job is a dream job
after that.

Ohh.

You having a rough day
around the old cubicle?

Just pull out
that souvenir photo,

him dragging you around
on a dog leash

while they point
at your limp dick.

Maybe your boss isn't so bad
after all.

[ Laughter ]

I've been working on balance.

That's a new thing for me.
I've never had it.

I've always just been a huge
adrenaline junkie

and done tons of partying.

And I've never
worked out before,

and I've been trying to just do,
like, you know, build the habits

and do the things
that you're supposed to do.

And I was like, "Well, I hear
this CrossFit stuff,

this seems popular."

I have no business being in
CrossFit physically or mentally.

I am 6'4", 170 pounds
of just gangly,

uncoordinated,
chronic depression.

I can't lift my esteem.

[ Laughter ]

And these guys are
just super athletes

doing handstand pushups
to warm up,

and they're just
the happiest people.

It's just, like, what?

I don't even get it.
It is just, "Hey, buddy.

We're going to get
an endorphin rush going,

going to get
a little runner's high."

After --
I try to be open-minded,

and afterwards, I was like,
"Yeah, I guess

I can sort of feel
what you're talking about.

Um, let me ask you.

You've never done drugs before,
have you?

Because if you like
that runner's high"...

Whoo!

..."I know a few things
that could really knock
your socks off."

[ Laughter ]

Part of the problem -- I do,
I have kind of a bad foot

from an old injury,
and then more seriously,

and I don't want to get us
too bogged down

with a bunch of medical jargon,
but I do have kind of a --

It's just, like,
a small vacuum in my soul.

And where a lot of people
kind of store their meaning

and purpose that has them
driving forward in life,

I just kind of have
a bit of a void there.

It's not a big deal,

just kind of throws off
my internal compass

and has me wandering aimlessly
through bewilderment and doubt.

And that makes it super hard
to do overhead squats,

as you can tell.

My CrossFit coach says I just
need to work on my hip mobility.

Look, I don't want to say
that they're dim at CrossFit,

but tires are meant
to roll us.

They're not even rolling them.
They're flipping them.

They don't even understand
how circles work.

So Paleo.

Oh, people were in
such better shape

before they figured out circles.

Being in a psych ward
for a week, it's worse than --

I've been to jail,

and it was worse
than the experience of jail

because there is no sentence.

I didn't know if I was just
going to be in a psych ward

for the rest of my life,

and I ended up
on the other side of that

in just, like,
a very, very dark place,

wondering what the purpose
of any of this is.

I just didn't know
what I wanted to do.

I didn't know if I wanted to be
a comedian anymore,

if I even liked this career.

I ended up writing
a lot of jokes about that,

about, like, the pointlessness
of a lot of this

and, like, dealing
with those feelings,

and then, ironically,
that became, like,

a new drive
and purpose for me.

I started talking about
these things

that a lot of us go through

and don't feel
comfortable sharing

and is kind of this
social taboo.

Sometimes, I worry that people
come out just like,

"Hey, I just want
to have a laugh,

and you used to be
this goofy guy,

and do you need to talk about,
like, the real truth?"

And I go back and forth
with that sometimes,

but I have people come up
to me after every show

and thank me for talking
about being bipolar

or talking about
having suicidal thoughts,

and so, I think
it's just more important

that the people that need to
hear those messages the most

get to hear it

and that they get
to have an outlet

for that kind of thing.

I think this is a wonderful
time to be a comedian

because people
are really exploring

more of the human condition,
and that gives me hope.

[ Laughter ]

Here is how little I fit
into CrossFit, everybody.

At my CrossFit, they like to do
something a little different.

They like to do a little
icebreaker question,

a little "get to know you."

Isn't that fun?

"All right, everybody.

What's your favorite
guilty pleasure food,

like, a food
that you simply can't resist?"

And then someone is like,
"Well, twice a year,

I have a slice
of pepperoni pizza.

Ahh!

There's a devil in me!"

[ Laughter ]

Meanwhile, I'm 38 years old
and on a Halloween diet.

There's not an ounce of
nutrition running through this.

So I go in one day,
and it's always, like,

a fun little easy-peasy
question like that.

It always feels a little
uncomfortable for me,

like I'm in kindergarten
or something.

But this day -- So I go in,
and my CrossFit coach,

she's just this delightful
little autonomaton who --

I imagine
she lives in a cupcake.

It's how I picture her life,

just a magical gluten-free,
sugar-free cupcake

and just wakes each day,
"Morning, my favorite!

I hope you're ready for me,
life, because here I come."

"Picture of the watch
for Instagram -- 4:45.

Beat you again, son.

Hashtag commitment.
Hashtag kale party."

And she comes bouncing in to
CrossFit to motivate my ass --

no easy task.

I just barely woke up on time
for the 3:30 afternoon class,

and I'm just trying to
shield myself from her bliss.

It's just so much, and this
joy junkie is just like,

"All right, everyone.
Question of the day --

What is one year of your life
that you wish you could relive?"

Oh, damn, CrossFit is getting
real dark today.

Heavens.

This is unexpected and exciting.

I came on the right day.

I'm going to win this class.

I have never felt comfortable
in CrossFit until today.

Do you know the flood
of memories

that just came crashing
through my mind immediately

of just broken bones
and inescapable credit-card debt

and failed relationships?

What am I going to pick?

Oh, man.

How do you choose
between DUIs and ODs, yeah?

Jail and psych ward?

Do I have to pick one year?

I don't think we're going
to have time

for the exercise portion
of the class today.

You just opened up Pandora's
box for some weird reason.

Oh, man.

Once you start spelunking
into the cave of regrets, ugh,

who knows what cringey little
treasures you forgot all about?

Oh, the time you couldn't
work up the courage

to ask out
your high-school crush

or the sharting
in gym class.

Always the ones
that got away, isn't it?

Oh, man.

I'm taking this nostalgic little
stroll down rumination lane,

you know, just simpler times

before the tax liens
and the genital warts.

[ Laughter ]

And then she goes, "All right.
Here is my year.

I wish I could relive
last year because,

during the CrossFit games"...

CrossFit games is like
the CrossFit Olympics.

Have you ever been like,

"I would like to see someone
on a home rower on television"?

Well, they have, and they
do that for some reason.

And anyhow, they get
real pumped about it.

"I wish I could take back
last year because,

during the CrossFit games,
I had to pee really bad,

and I didn't get to enjoy
one of the workouts

as much as I would've liked."

Wow, we've had different lives.

Whoo, I'm glad you went first.

Oh, boy.

I was going to say,
off the top of my head,

"I don't know, maybe the year
I realized that no one

knows what this existence is

or how we got here
or what to do with it,

and anyone that claims to
is either lying to you

or themselves,
most likely both.

Let's see. What year
was fifth grade again?"

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, might be more of
a shoulder-mobility issue.

That'll probably fix everything.

Wouldn't that be something?

Twenty-plus years
of self-medicating

my way through
this prison of existence,

turns out just needed
a foam roller.

Life, what are you going to do?

Thank you, guys, very much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Shane Mauss, everybody!

One more time!

Mauss: I'll be dealing with
my mental-health issues

for the rest of my life,

but right now, I feel
the best that I've felt.

I mean, I'm very balanced
and healthy,

and I feel like I'm together.

Hey, check out my podcast.
Thank you.

There you go.
Whoo.

Happiness and well-being
is a practice

that you need to just work on
day by day

and have these kind of
small incremental gains.

Loved your first joke.

Oh, thank you,
appreciate it.
Thank you.

It's very therapeutic for me
to do stand-up

because I know how
to deliver a message

and express myself on the stage
better than I do in real life.

I'd say the purpose for me
being a comedian

has changed over the years,

and now I find myself
in a position

where I get to explore
what this life is about,

what the purpose,
what my purpose,

well, our purpose is,
and if that's what I get to say

when everything is said
and done in this life,

then I will be pretty happy
with the life that I've lived.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!