Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Man speaking indistinctly ]

[ Laughter ]

Heading down here to go to Howard University, man.

It was the best decision of my life.

A lot of y'all don't know what it's like

to go to a black school.

It's really simple -- It is black all the time.

That's all you need to know!

That's all you need to know! That's it!

Its going to be black all the time.

This was my whole eight years at Howard.

Shut up. Black, black, black.

-How you doing, Allison? -I'm good, hon.

How are you? -Good. You excited?

-Yes! -Africa, black, black, black!

So my name is Kasaun Wilson.

Y'all don't understand the pain of having a made-up black name.

You don't know what it's like your whole life

to type your name in Microsoft Word

and have to see a red line underneath.

Thank you, sister, appreciate you!

Your name probably ain't got no vowels in it.

[ Laughter ]

You ain't filled out a job application in three years.

You started a business because you had to!

Right, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!

-Hey, ma! -You made it, yes!

I made it? You feel good now?

Let me see them cheeks, girl.

I can't touch you, though.

Am I your favorite child yet?

You my favorite child. Yes, you are.

That's all I wanted to hear.

My name is Paris Sashay, and I am a stand-up comedian.

I had a very tough childhood.

I got a lot of ass whippings over the course of many years.

-I'm so proud of you. -Thank you, Grandma.

There were a lot of challenges,

and I just felt like I was drowning,

and I'd have to work my way back out of them.

Anything I'm fearful of, I replace it with faith.

Thank you for this special moment.

Lord, thank you for this special day.

You can't have faith and fear.

You have to pick one.

So when I started looking at life like that, it really...

It makes sense.

In Jesus' name, amen.

-Amen! -Amen.

-Bam. -I'm ready!

Give me some! -Whoo!

-Yay! -I pushed through it,

so I can definitely say I am a survivor.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Man: You guys ready for your next comedian?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

The very funny Paris Sashay!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap,

clap, clap, clap!

Come on!

[ Applause continues ]

Boom!

This is good! Y'all look good!

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a lot of my people here,

but it's a lot of white people here, too.

It's good to see y'all. It's been a rough year

for y'all, so I'm happy to see y'all.

Whoo, I never thought it'd be hard being white,

but, whoo, has it been a year for you guys!

Whoo.

Like, I didn't know my whole life

it was two different types of white people.

I thought all white people was the same until Trump won.

Then he divided the white community.

I was so happy to see it.

Some regular white people like you all here tonight.

Man: Yeah!

And then there's Trump supporters,

and they hate each other.

I just like to watch it. I just like to watch it.

It feels good to see because it was

Martin Luther King's second dream that

don't nobody ever talk about.

[ Laughter ]

Think he only had one dream? He had more than one dream.

He had a whole book, whole book called "The Rest of His Dreams,"

but the second dream was that it be drama

in the white race, and it's happening.

Ooh, it looks so good to see!

Whoa.

Because, like, I been black my whole life.

[ Laughter ]

Like, straight through, like, my entire life.

I ain't never switch up or nothing.

So I know that it's two different types of black people,

but white people don't know that.

White people see scary black people,

and y'all look at people like me like I can help.

[ Laughter ]

I'm like, "No. If you scared of him,

I'm scared of him, too!"

It's not about race. This about safety!

Weneed to call the police, bitch.

Just let's do a three-way call.

That's...

For real, you see how hard the white people laughing

because they know!

"Oh, gosh, it's really two different types?"

Yes!

I realized it because I got on the train with this white lady

one morning, 5:00 in the morning.

She had Starbucks. I had Starbucks.

She trusted me.

[ Laughter ]

She felt safe.

She sat next to me. We made a toast.

I was like, "This is beautiful white woman behavior."

Then this black guy got on the train 30 minutes after us,

5:30 in the morning with a ski mask on.

Guy scared me first.

I was like, "For breakfast?"

But she ain't think I was scared.

She looked at him, and then looked back at me like

I was his representative.

I was like, "No, bitch, we!"

I stopped riding the train after that.

I had to start riding the Uber Pool,

like, when it first came out, though,

when it was just you and one other person in the car.

But now they put a person in every seat

depending on the car they send you,

and they don't give you bullet points

to tell you about these people.

They just show you a name and a face.

I'm like, "No, I want to know what the fuck they do

outside of Uber Pool."

For real, what if you call an Uber Pool

and the ride is only $3.50,

but the first bullet point say "murderer"?

[ Laughter ]

For $3.50, I'm going to still ride with this killer!

Maybe he just came from killing. He might not kill me.

I might be the break. I don't know.

Called me a Uber Pool two weeks ago,

and a van pulled up outside my house.

And, like, I don't know how y'all feel about vans,

but I don't trust vans.

I never seen nobody get in a van and out a van at the same time.

I never see that shit happen, so I was skeptical,

but I was late, so I was like,

"Let me go get in this van," so I went outside.

The door slid open. I got in. I looked around.

It was five other people in the van.

I was like, "Sir, this is not an Uber Pool.

This a Uber Field Trip. What the fuck?"

Picked this lady up from work. We dropped this other lady off.

They gave me the aux cord. I started playing Cardi B.

We was dancing.

White people had rhythm. It was exciting to see.

Then we started taking selfies on Snapchat.

I was like, "For $2.50, you can't beat this."

But then it got better!

The lady in the far back seat of the van pulled out

a bottle of Hennessy and started passing out shots.

I was like, "For $2.50!"

I told the driver... I was like, "Drop me off last!"

This is definitely the ride I was looking for.

I don't know. It's a crazy time right now.

I think white people and black people

need to stick together more.

I think we need each other.

I think there's certain departments

that white people can help us with,

and it's certain departments we can help white people with.

All right?

Like, I think white people could help black people

with their credit sometimes.

Honest statement.

And then, in return, I think black people

can help white people with their potato salad.

It's just small stuff because I don't know

where you guys get your ingredients from,

but it's not supposed to be yogurt!

It's not supposed to have raisins and pretzels

and be sweet! No!

It's potato salad! We wait all year for that.

White people just be fucking it up!

Like, that's not your job, Susan!

Do your job, okay? Spend your money.

Go get some paper cups and paper plates.

That's what you supposed to do.

Stay in your lane.

Ooh.

It's crazy.

Growing up, I was the youngest of three.

My brother and my sister had kids,

so I had to help raise my nieces and nephews.

That meant helping them get ready for school,

making their lunch.

I was just forced to grow up fast,

so I kind of, like, skipped some of my childhood.

Financially, we were very poor but happy.

My mom worked two jobs, so she wasn't home a lot.

She always told me we didn't have to look like we lived.

So I did a lot of thrift-store shopping,

and we still found a way to make the best of what we had.

Growing up, we moved a lot.

We were living with my grandmother for a while.

It was eight people living in a two-bedroom, one-bath,

which meant sometimes you had to wash up

while someone as in the shower.

I got in trouble a lot as a kid.

I set the house on fire by accident when I was 8

because I seen my aunt playing with matches in the bathroom,

but she blew it out.

So I tried to go in and do the same thing,

and I didn't blow it out and threw it in the trash,

house set on fire. I was a kid.

I didn't even realize that I set the house on fire

until we had to move, and it was like,

"Okay, the house is done, Paris, because of you,"

and then, the following day, my mom told everyone,

and everyone that she knew came over the house,

stood in a line, took their turns burning my fingers.

I cried the entire time,

but I also knew that I had to take it

because burning my hands wasn't as bad

as burning down our entire house with everything in it.

After that, I didn't do anything else bad at home,

but then I just took my bad behaviors to school.

Growing up, I didn't expect comedy to be it,

but as a child, I was getting into a lot of trouble in school

for always being the class clown,

so I felt like that was, like, a start of it.

Like, I was a comedian in class,

but my teachers didn't think it was funny.

After high school, I went to college for two years,

and I was the first person in my family to go to college.

The second year, my dad died, and I came back home.

That's when I had this whole shut-down.

I was very sad.

I didn't leave the house at all.

I wasn't going back to school.

I knew I was very broke.

All of my friends told me that I should do comedy.

So my cousin, my sister, they signed me up

for five open mics in one week.

I end up going to one.

My mom put my name on the list,

and I hid in the bathroom for 15 minutes.

She told me to come out. I said, "I'm not coming out."

She got the host to come in the bathroom and say,

"Paris, we won't continue the show until you come out."

I came out.

She said, "Okay. You're going to do seven minutes,"

so I end up doing 13 minutes, standing ovation,

and that was the moment that I knew this was for me.

[ Laughter ]

I had a lying-ass mother growing up.

Just like to get into that because she used to tell me

this one main lie that always stuck with me.

She used to tell me right before she'd whip my ass that,

"This going to hurt me

more than this going to hurt you,"

and I'm like, "If that's the case, bitch, hit yourself!"

[ Laughter ]

So I was like, "I can't wait until I can use

this same line on her."

Then it came around full force. We was in the car one day.

I didn't have my seat belt on. We got pulled over.

As the police was walking up to the car, she turned around.

She was like, "I'm going to fuck you up when we get home."

And I was like, "I hope she go to jail.

Ooh, I hope she go to jail. Whoo, I do!"

Officer came, told her to step out the car.

Her license was suspended, so I was like, "Yes."

And I think he was going to let her go

because he came back to the car, and he looked at me.

And I looked at him, and I said, "Please lock her up.

She's been making threats all day."

And I rolled the window down, and I looked at her, and I said,

"This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you."

And I ain't get that ass-whooping.

I ain't see her until Monday.

I was a mixed kid growing up.

I had two fathers and one mother.

[ Laughter ]

My first father went to jail, and then my mother was like,

"I ain't doing this single-mother shit,

and she went and picked me up another father."

When she brung them home, I was like,

"Okay. This is cool."

But she lied to me at first.

She ain't tell me he was in jail at first.

I went to move with my grandmother

when I turned 11 in a white school,

white neighborhood, white community, white holidays,

shit I never heard in my life before.

One of they holidays for spirit week was

Bring Your Parents Picture To School Day.

I was like, "I ain't never heard of this in my life,

but I want to participate." So I went home.

I was like, "Hey, Mom, where's my dad, the real one?"

And she was like, "In the Army."

And I was like, "Oh, okay. That's good."

So I got the pictures.

I was like, "I can't wait to go to school tomorrow,"

So I get to school tomorrow.

We passing out pictures in class.

Everybody looking at pictures.

And this one white kid grabbed my picture.

He was like, "Let me see, Paris,"

and I was like, "Here."

He was like, "Your dad is not in the Army."

I was like, "Yes, he is. My mother told me."

He was like, "No, he's not.

They don't wear orange."

[ Laughter ]

And I was hurt! I was a kid. I had too much pride.

I couldn't lose.

I was like, "Yes, they do. He's a cadet. He just joined it.

You got to earn the colors. Give him some time."

That's why I hate kids. I hate them.

They're evil. I fucking hate kids.

I mean, parents don't like their kids neither.

Parents love their kids. Y'all don't like y'all kids.

I don't like the fact that kids think they can say

whatever they want to you, and you can't say whatever

you want back as an adult because they a kid.

First of all, I don't got kids, so fuck them kids.

I'll say whatever I want to them kids,

and I drink Hennessy, so I really say

whatever I want to them kids

because, like, even when I don't want to say ignorant stuff

and I drink Hennessy, Hennessy be like, "Say it!"

I be like, "No!" It be like, "Do it,"

and I be like, "Bitch," and then it's done.

So...[ Laughs ]

So what happened was, I went on a date with this guy.

He brung his daughter on the first date.

-What? -Oh.

Same thing I said, but I was like...

But I think he was trying to show me he was a good dad.

I think he was trying to prove that he was a good dad,

and I was like, "I don't care if you are or if you not

because if you not, that's more money for us,

and I care about myself first,"

but I still went because he had good credit,

and I was like, "You know, this could go somewhere."

So I get in the car.

I'm drinking my Hennessy in the front seat.

She in the back seat drinking her Juicy Juice.

It felt like a Uber Pool.

I was like, "I do this all the time."

I was like, "I should speak now. We both thirsty."

So I was like, "How you doing, little girl? You cute."

And she wasn't cute, but as an adult, I said,

"If I lie and give her a compliment,

she'll do the same thing back to me."

She didn't.

She looked at me, and she was like,

"Ugh, don't talk to me. You not my mother."

So I was like, "Baby bitch."

[ Laughter ]

But I couldn't get mad because she told her truth,

and I'm working on myself this year.

I don't get mad no more. I just get petty.

So she told her truth.

I should be able to tell my truth.

So I looked her in her eyes.

I was like, "You right. I'm not your mother,

but he might not be your father neither."

[ Laughter ]

And that was the last date we went on.

That worked.

After that, I got a girlfriend after that.

I was like, "I'm done." I went and got a girlfriend.

But like, before her, I wasn't like, full-time gay.

I was, like, demo gay.

Like, 30-day free trial.

Don't put your credit card or anything.

I was testing it out.

Now I got my full subscription.

But it ain't come with no manuals or shit.

This shit is confusing. It don't come with nothing.

You just got to jump into it, and I don't get it.

My girlfriend is beautiful. I'm cute.

We went on our first date.

She ordered what she wanted. I ordered what I wanted.

And then the bill came.

[ Laughter ]

Table got real silent.

She looked at the bill.

She said "I'm not paying for that."

Said, "Bitch, I'm not paying for that neither!

Never paid for a bill in my life!"

So the waiter came back. He said, "Are you guys ready?"

I said, "We are not. We have a problem."

I said, "We going to figure this out."

So I looked at her.

Then I looked back at myself, and I said,

"My titties are bigger than yours.

So you the man by default.

Pay for that bill, and make sure you tip,"

and she did because she's a good guy.

[ Laughs ]

-Oh, no! -Once I started comedy,

comedy was, like, the best place for me to be,

and it's, like, I felt that this was my calling.

But then something terrible happened.

I went out to this club one night.

It was a friend's birthday. I didn't want to go.

I had a bad feeling about it, but I still went.

I told my friends, like,

"This guy in the corner, he's weird."

Eventually, we ended up leaving,

and as we were leaving, walking down the steps,

he came from behind and shoved me forward.

I had on 6-inch heels.

I smacked the concrete, broke my two front teeth,

broke my nose,

had a concussion and had bruises all over my face.

I would assume that that came from guys

not taking rejection well

and they feeling like women shouldn't be able to say no,

but I think you should be able to say no anytime you want

because it's a choice.

I feel like that moment really shaped me

because, four days after all of this happened,

I had a show at the Improv, and I didn't want to miss it.

It was my first time ever performing here.

I mean, it's special.

It's like getting a key to your city,

and I wasn't going to let the assault stop me.

So that Tuesday, I went to the dentist.

They gave me temporary teeth.

I performed at the Improv still that following Thursday,

and it was at that moment, like, I felt like I had a purpose.

A lot of women, when they found out the story,

they sent me e-mails.

They shared their stories with me,

and they told me, like, I was their hero.

Once I heard I was a hero to women that I've never met

in my life, I feel like I have a purpose for women to let them

know that, despite the odds, you can push through anything.

[ Laughter ]

So plan "B," right, Plan "B" is a real thing.

I don't know why it's plan "B" when it should be plan "A"

because you only got 72 hours to take it

before you got to get the real thing.

So I feel like they should switch that anyway.

That should be plan "A," abortion plan "B."

I don't know who was in the team creating that stupid shit.

But you only got up until 72 hours to take it for it

to work effectively, 72 hours.

Sometimes, you have good sex,

and you lay there for, like, 59 hours.

Now you got to get up and rush. That's stupid to me!

But if you had it first, you could've just relaxed.

Like, I think so deep.

Like, I think they should sell it at the gas stations.

I think they should.

I think it'll save a lot of good nights.

I think you can get $20 on pump 3 of plan "B"

and a ginger ale, and that's a great night.

That's a good night. That's a good damn night!

I think I got the answers.

It's crazy. I know y'all looking at me like,

"That's a nice haircut." Thank you.

People think I did it for fashion.

I did not.

My rent went up.

This was a budget cut.

Just happened to look nice.

I got this.

Give me more money to get better bras, you know,

because don't nobody ever talk about how expensive good bras

is for big titties, sir, nobody.

Don't nobody!

They always give you compliments on your titties,

but they don't know how much you had to go through

to get in that bra, especially when it's hot!

You know how much big titties got to do?

You got to go in the bathroom.

You got to pick your titties up, one by one,

take them out, wipe them, put them back.

[ Laughter ]

Then you come out, and guys is like, "You look nice."

You're like, "Bitch, you know what I just went through?

These girls are tired!"

Trying to become a better person.

I recently just became a Christian because

that's how serious I'm trying to become a better person.

And I like the fact that God gives you a promise.

He promise you that you just do what you can,

and He'll handle everything that you can't.

Do what you can, and God got the rest.

Now I live by this rule, and I'm doing what I can.

I'm handling everything I can except

them student loans.

Ooh, I can't handle them! I can't!

They be calling you asking you stupid questions, too!

When can you make a payment?

Never, bitch. I just left the mall!

I said, "You know what? I'm a Christian now.

God gave me a promise."

The bill collectors called me last week.

They said, "When can you make a payment?"

I said, "Please do not call this phone anymore.

God will get in contact with you...

[ Laughs ]

...when He can.

That battle is not mine. That is the Lord's."

Smoke weed, and I come up with stuff like that.

I smoke a lot of weed. I love it.

I was so happy when they made weed legal in D.C.

[ Cheering ]

That's right!

You can smoke weed outside anywhere you want in D.C.

as long as there's a white person next to you.

That's the rule.

I didn't make it up. That's the rules!

The police ride past you.

They see a white person. He's like, "Is that a good one?"

You like, "Yep," and they go about their day.

That's how it works.

I was so happy. I was like,

"What? I can pick out my own drug dealer?

I can pick now?

Whoo, this is good!"

So of course I picked a black guy

because they said black people don't support black businesses,

and I wanted to break that stereotype.

But he kept showing up late, so he wasn't helping me.

So the new year rolled around.

January 1st came. I called him.

I was like, "Hey, man, happy New Year's.

I need you to be on time this year."

He was like, "Okay," but I know people be lying,

so I called him January 2nd just to make sure.

So called him January 2nd.

I was like, "Hey, I need a package."

He was like, "Okay, I'll be there in 15 minutes."

Somebody tell me 15 minutes,

that's how long I expect to wait,

nothing over 15 minutes.

15 minutes pass. He wasn't there.

I called him back. I said, "Where you at?"

He said, "I'm going be 30 minutes late."

Now I'm working on myself. I don't get mad.

I get petty.

So I got upset.

I hung up the phone,

and I called the police.

[ Laughter ]

Because we need to get people like that off the streets.

That's negativity.

There's people in jail right now for selling weed on time.

They was doing their job.

They need to come back home, get back to work.

These people need to go in.

I'm just trying to make America great again, I think.

[ Laughter, applause ]

Thank y'all, D.C.

Get this for the camera. Give me some! Ah!

Come on, white lady! Ah!

Martin Luther King would be proud!

Ah! Come on, white man!

I can't do no more white! Give me some!

Ah, one more time! Ah, no, we can't!

No, we can't! Ooh!

Y'all was great! My name is Paris Sashay!

Have a good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: Yo, one more time for Paris Sashay!

She killed it!

Sashay: I had a lot of challenges in my life.

I feel like the one that really shaped me was the assault.

-Ooh. -You did great.

-Thank you. -Really creative.

-Thank you. -You did great. Nice job.

-You rocked it. -Thank you so much.

They can look at me and say, "Oh, she found laughter

through this, and she's telling it to us,

so we also can think about our life

and see where we can find laughter"...

You guys are great.

You found your calling.Thank you.

...because I turned my pain into laughter

for people to heal.

Come on, this way. Hi.

Thank you. Damn.

I think I'm a superhero,

and I think comedy is my healing power.

Mm, look at that one.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it!