All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e09_English

♪♪

[ Man speaking indistinctly ]

[ Laughter ]

Heading down here to go
to Howard University, man.

It was the best
decision of my life.

A lot of y'all don't
know what it's like

to go to a black school.

It's really simple --
It is black all the time.

That's all you need to know!

That's all you need to know!
That's it!

Its going to be black
all the time.

This was my whole
eight years at Howard.

Shut up.
Black, black, black.

-How you doing, Allison?
-I'm good, hon.

How are you?
-Good. You excited?

-Yes!
-Africa, black, black, black!

So my name is Kasaun Wilson.

Y'all don't understand the pain
of having a made-up black name.

You don't know what it's like
your whole life

to type your name
in Microsoft Word

and have to see
a red line underneath.

Thank you, sister,
appreciate you!

Your name probably
ain't got no vowels in it.

[ Laughter ]

You ain't filled out a job
application in three years.

You started a business
because you had to!

Right, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!

-Hey, ma!
-You made it, yes!

I made it?
You feel good now?

Let me see them
cheeks, girl.

I can't touch you, though.

Am I your
favorite child yet?

You my favorite child.
Yes, you are.

That's all
I wanted to hear.

My name is Paris Sashay,
and I am a stand-up comedian.

I had a very tough childhood.

I got a lot of ass whippings
over the course of many years.

-I'm so proud of you.
-Thank you, Grandma.

There were a lot of challenges,

and I just felt like
I was drowning,

and I'd have to work
my way back out of them.

Anything I'm fearful of,
I replace it with faith.

Thank you for this
special moment.

Lord, thank you
for this special day.

You can't have faith and fear.

You have to pick one.

So when I started looking at
life like that, it really...

It makes sense.

In Jesus' name, amen.

-Amen!
-Amen.

-Bam.
-I'm ready!

Give me some!
-Whoo!

-Yay!
-I pushed through it,

so I can definitely say
I am a survivor.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Man: You guys ready
for your next comedian?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

The very funny Paris Sashay!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap,

clap, clap, clap!

Come on!

[ Applause continues ]

Boom!

This is good!
Y'all look good!

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a lot of my people here,

but it's a lot of white people
here, too.

It's good to see y'all.
It's been a rough year

for y'all,
so I'm happy to see y'all.

Whoo, I never thought
it'd be hard being white,

but, whoo, has it been
a year for you guys!

Whoo.

Like, I didn't know
my whole life

it was two different types
of white people.

I thought all white people
was the same until Trump won.

Then he divided
the white community.

I was so happy to see it.

Some regular white people
like you all here tonight.

Man: Yeah!

And then there's
Trump supporters,

and they hate each other.

I just like to watch it.
I just like to watch it.

It feels good to see
because it was

Martin Luther King's
second dream that

don't nobody ever talk about.

[ Laughter ]

Think he only had one dream?
He had more than one dream.

He had a whole book, whole book
called "The Rest of His Dreams,"

but the second dream
was that it be drama

in the white race,
and it's happening.

Ooh, it looks so good to see!

Whoa.

Because, like, I been black
my whole life.

[ Laughter ]

Like, straight through,
like, my entire life.

I ain't never switch up
or nothing.

So I know that it's two
different types of black people,

but white people
don't know that.

White people see scary
black people,

and y'all look at people
like me like I can help.

[ Laughter ]

I'm like, "No.
If you scared of him,

I'm scared of him, too!"

It's not about race.
This about safety!

Weneed to call
the police, bitch.

Just let's do a three-way call.

That's...

For real, you see how hard
the white people laughing

because they know!

"Oh, gosh, it's really two
different types?"

Yes!

I realized it because I got on
the train with this white lady

one morning,
5:00 in the morning.

She had Starbucks.
I had Starbucks.

She trusted me.

[ Laughter ]

She felt safe.

She sat next to me.
We made a toast.

I was like, "This is beautiful
white woman behavior."

Then this black guy got on
the train 30 minutes after us,

5:30 in the morning
with a ski mask on.

Guy scared me first.

I was like, "For breakfast?"

But she ain't think
I was scared.

She looked at him, and then
looked back at me like

I was his representative.

I was like, "No, bitch, we!"

I stopped riding the train
after that.

I had to start riding
the Uber Pool,

like, when it first
came out, though,

when it was just you and one
other person in the car.

But now they put a person
in every seat

depending on the car
they send you,

and they don't give you
bullet points

to tell you about these people.

They just show you
a name and a face.

I'm like, "No, I want to know
what the fuck they do

outside of Uber Pool."

For real, what if you call
an Uber Pool

and the ride is only $3.50,

but the first bullet point
say "murderer"?

[ Laughter ]

For $3.50, I'm going to
still ride with this killer!

Maybe he just came from killing.
He might not kill me.

I might be the break.
I don't know.

Called me a Uber Pool
two weeks ago,

and a van pulled up
outside my house.

And, like, I don't know
how y'all feel about vans,

but I don't trust vans.

I never seen nobody get in a van
and out a van at the same time.

I never see that shit happen,
so I was skeptical,

but I was late,
so I was like,

"Let me go get in this van,"
so I went outside.

The door slid open.
I got in. I looked around.

It was five other people
in the van.

I was like, "Sir, this is not
an Uber Pool.

This a Uber Field Trip.
What the fuck?"

Picked this lady up from work.
We dropped this other lady off.

They gave me the aux cord.
I started playing Cardi B.

We was dancing.

White people had rhythm.
It was exciting to see.

Then we started
taking selfies on Snapchat.

I was like, "For $2.50,
you can't beat this."

But then it got better!

The lady in the far back seat
of the van pulled out

a bottle of Hennessy
and started passing out shots.

I was like, "For $2.50!"

I told the driver...
I was like, "Drop me off last!"

This is definitely the ride
I was looking for.

I don't know.
It's a crazy time right now.

I think white people
and black people

need to stick together more.

I think we need each other.

I think there's
certain departments

that white people
can help us with,

and it's certain departments
we can help white people with.

All right?

Like, I think white people
could help black people

with their credit sometimes.

Honest statement.

And then, in return,
I think black people

can help white people
with their potato salad.

It's just small stuff
because I don't know

where you guys get
your ingredients from,

but it's not supposed
to be yogurt!

It's not supposed to have
raisins and pretzels

and be sweet!
No!

It's potato salad!
We wait all year for that.

White people just be
fucking it up!

Like, that's not your job,
Susan!

Do your job, okay?
Spend your money.

Go get some paper cups
and paper plates.

That's what you supposed to do.

Stay in your lane.

Ooh.

It's crazy.

Growing up, I was
the youngest of three.

My brother and my sister
had kids,

so I had to help raise
my nieces and nephews.

That meant helping them
get ready for school,

making their lunch.

I was just forced
to grow up fast,

so I kind of, like,
skipped some of my childhood.

Financially, we were very poor
but happy.

My mom worked two jobs,
so she wasn't home a lot.

She always told me we didn't
have to look like we lived.

So I did a lot of
thrift-store shopping,

and we still found a way to
make the best of what we had.

Growing up, we moved a lot.

We were living with
my grandmother for a while.

It was eight people living
in a two-bedroom, one-bath,

which meant sometimes
you had to wash up

while someone as in the shower.

I got in trouble a lot as a kid.

I set the house on fire
by accident when I was 8

because I seen my aunt playing
with matches in the bathroom,

but she blew it out.

So I tried to go in
and do the same thing,

and I didn't blow it out
and threw it in the trash,

house set on fire.
I was a kid.

I didn't even realize
that I set the house on fire

until we had to move,
and it was like,

"Okay, the house is done, Paris,
because of you,"

and then, the following day,
my mom told everyone,

and everyone that she knew
came over the house,

stood in a line, took their
turns burning my fingers.

I cried the entire time,

but I also knew
that I had to take it

because burning my hands
wasn't as bad

as burning down our entire house
with everything in it.

After that, I didn't do
anything else bad at home,

but then I just took
my bad behaviors to school.

Growing up, I didn't expect
comedy to be it,

but as a child, I was getting
into a lot of trouble in school

for always being
the class clown,

so I felt like that was,
like, a start of it.

Like, I was a comedian in class,

but my teachers
didn't think it was funny.

After high school,
I went to college for two years,

and I was the first person
in my family to go to college.

The second year, my dad died,
and I came back home.

That's when I had
this whole shut-down.

I was very sad.

I didn't leave the house at all.

I wasn't going back to school.

I knew I was very broke.

All of my friends told me
that I should do comedy.

So my cousin, my sister,
they signed me up

for five open mics in one week.

I end up going to one.

My mom put my name
on the list,

and I hid in the bathroom
for 15 minutes.

She told me to come out.
I said, "I'm not coming out."

She got the host to come
in the bathroom and say,

"Paris, we won't continue
the show until you come out."

I came out.

She said, "Okay. You're going
to do seven minutes,"

so I end up doing 13 minutes,
standing ovation,

and that was the moment
that I knew this was for me.

[ Laughter ]

I had a lying-ass mother
growing up.

Just like to get into that
because she used to tell me

this one main lie
that always stuck with me.

She used to tell me right
before she'd whip my ass that,

"This going to hurt me

more than this going
to hurt you,"

and I'm like, "If that's
the case, bitch, hit yourself!"

[ Laughter ]

So I was like, "I can't wait
until I can use

this same line on her."

Then it came around full force.
We was in the car one day.

I didn't have my seat belt on.
We got pulled over.

As the police was walking up
to the car, she turned around.

She was like, "I'm going to
fuck you up when we get home."

And I was like,
"I hope she go to jail.

Ooh, I hope she go to jail.
Whoo, I do!"

Officer came, told her
to step out the car.

Her license was suspended,
so I was like, "Yes."

And I think he was going
to let her go

because he came back to the car,
and he looked at me.

And I looked at him,
and I said, "Please lock her up.

She's been making
threats all day."

And I rolled the window down,
and I looked at her, and I said,

"This is going to hurt me more
than it's going to hurt you."

And I ain't get that
ass-whooping.

I ain't see her until Monday.

I was a mixed kid growing up.

I had two fathers
and one mother.

[ Laughter ]

My first father went to jail,
and then my mother was like,

"I ain't doing this
single-mother shit,

and she went and picked me
up another father."

When she brung them home,
I was like,

"Okay. This is cool."

But she lied to me at first.

She ain't tell me
he was in jail at first.

I went to move with
my grandmother

when I turned 11
in a white school,

white neighborhood,
white community, white holidays,

shit I never heard
in my life before.

One of they holidays
for spirit week was

Bring Your Parents Picture
To School Day.

I was like, "I ain't never heard
of this in my life,

but I want to participate."
So I went home.

I was like, "Hey, Mom,
where's my dad, the real one?"

And she was like, "In the Army."

And I was like, "Oh, okay.
That's good."

So I got the pictures.

I was like, "I can't wait to go
to school tomorrow,"

So I get to school tomorrow.

We passing out pictures
in class.

Everybody looking at pictures.

And this one white kid
grabbed my picture.

He was like,
"Let me see, Paris,"

and I was like, "Here."

He was like, "Your dad
is not in the Army."

I was like, "Yes, he is.
My mother told me."

He was like, "No, he's not.

They don't wear orange."

[ Laughter ]

And I was hurt! I was a kid.
I had too much pride.

I couldn't lose.

I was like, "Yes, they do.
He's a cadet. He just joined it.

You got to earn the colors.
Give him some time."

That's why I hate kids.
I hate them.

They're evil.
I fucking hate kids.

I mean, parents don't like
their kids neither.

Parents love their kids.
Y'all don't like y'all kids.

I don't like the fact that kids
think they can say

whatever they want to you,
and you can't say whatever

you want back as an adult
because they a kid.

First of all, I don't got kids,
so fuck them kids.

I'll say whatever I want
to them kids,

and I drink Hennessy,
so I really say

whatever I want to them kids

because, like, even when I don't
want to say ignorant stuff

and I drink Hennessy,
Hennessy be like, "Say it!"

I be like, "No!"
It be like, "Do it,"

and I be like, "Bitch,"
and then it's done.

So...[ Laughs ]

So what happened was,
I went on a date with this guy.

He brung his daughter
on the first date.

-What?
-Oh.

Same thing I said,
but I was like...

But I think he was trying
to show me he was a good dad.

I think he was trying to prove
that he was a good dad,

and I was like, "I don't care
if you are or if you not

because if you not,
that's more money for us,

and I care about myself first,"

but I still went
because he had good credit,

and I was like, "You know,
this could go somewhere."

So I get in the car.

I'm drinking my Hennessy
in the front seat.

She in the back seat
drinking her Juicy Juice.

It felt like a Uber Pool.

I was like, "I do this
all the time."

I was like, "I should speak now.
We both thirsty."

So I was like, "How you doing,
little girl? You cute."

And she wasn't cute,
but as an adult, I said,

"If I lie and give her
a compliment,

she'll do the same thing
back to me."

She didn't.

She looked at me,
and she was like,

"Ugh, don't talk to me.
You not my mother."

So I was like, "Baby bitch."

[ Laughter ]

But I couldn't get mad
because she told her truth,

and I'm working
on myself this year.

I don't get mad no more.
I just get petty.

So she told her truth.

I should be able
to tell my truth.

So I looked her in her eyes.

I was like, "You right.
I'm not your mother,

but he might not be
your father neither."

[ Laughter ]

And that was the last date
we went on.

That worked.

After that, I got
a girlfriend after that.

I was like, "I'm done."
I went and got a girlfriend.

But like, before her,
I wasn't like, full-time gay.

I was, like, demo gay.

Like, 30-day free trial.

Don't put your credit card
or anything.

I was testing it out.

Now I got my full subscription.

But it ain't come with
no manuals or shit.

This shit is confusing.
It don't come with nothing.

You just got to jump into it,
and I don't get it.

My girlfriend is beautiful.
I'm cute.

We went on our first date.

She ordered what she wanted.
I ordered what I wanted.

And then the bill came.

[ Laughter ]

Table got real silent.

She looked at the bill.

She said "I'm not
paying for that."

Said, "Bitch, I'm not paying
for that neither!

Never paid for a bill
in my life!"

So the waiter came back.
He said, "Are you guys ready?"

I said, "We are not.
We have a problem."

I said, "We going to figure
this out."

So I looked at her.

Then I looked back at myself,
and I said,

"My titties
are bigger than yours.

So you the man by default.

Pay for that bill,
and make sure you tip,"

and she did because
she's a good guy.

[ Laughs ]

-Oh, no!
-Once I started comedy,

comedy was, like, the best place
for me to be,

and it's, like, I felt
that this was my calling.

But then something
terrible happened.

I went out to this club
one night.

It was a friend's birthday.
I didn't want to go.

I had a bad feeling about it,
but I still went.

I told my friends, like,

"This guy in the corner,
he's weird."

Eventually, we ended up leaving,

and as we were leaving,
walking down the steps,

he came from behind
and shoved me forward.

I had on 6-inch heels.

I smacked the concrete,
broke my two front teeth,

broke my nose,

had a concussion and had bruises
all over my face.

I would assume that
that came from guys

not taking rejection well

and they feeling like women
shouldn't be able to say no,

but I think you should be able
to say no anytime you want

because it's a choice.

I feel like that moment
really shaped me

because, four days
after all of this happened,

I had a show at the Improv,
and I didn't want to miss it.

It was my first time
ever performing here.

I mean, it's special.

It's like getting a key
to your city,

and I wasn't going to let
the assault stop me.

So that Tuesday,
I went to the dentist.

They gave me temporary teeth.

I performed at the Improv
still that following Thursday,

and it was at that moment, like,
I felt like I had a purpose.

A lot of women, when they
found out the story,

they sent me e-mails.

They shared their stories
with me,

and they told me,
like, I was their hero.

Once I heard I was a hero to
women that I've never met

in my life, I feel like I have
a purpose for women to let them

know that, despite the odds,
you can push through anything.

[ Laughter ]

So plan "B," right,
Plan "B" is a real thing.

I don't know why it's plan "B"
when it should be plan "A"

because you only got
72 hours to take it

before you got
to get the real thing.

So I feel like they should
switch that anyway.

That should be plan "A,"
abortion plan "B."

I don't know who was in the team
creating that stupid shit.

But you only got up until
72 hours to take it for it

to work effectively,
72 hours.

Sometimes, you have good sex,

and you lay there for,
like, 59 hours.

Now you got to get up and rush.
That's stupid to me!

But if you had it first,
you could've just relaxed.

Like, I think so deep.

Like, I think they should
sell it at the gas stations.

I think they should.

I think it'll save a lot
of good nights.

I think you can get
$20 on pump 3 of plan "B"

and a ginger ale,
and that's a great night.

That's a good night.
That's a good damn night!

I think I got the answers.

It's crazy.
I know y'all looking at me like,

"That's a nice haircut."
Thank you.

People think I did it
for fashion.

I did not.

My rent went up.

This was a budget cut.

Just happened to look nice.

I got this.

Give me more money
to get better bras, you know,

because don't nobody ever talk
about how expensive good bras

is for big titties,
sir, nobody.

Don't nobody!

They always give you compliments
on your titties,

but they don't know how much
you had to go through

to get in that bra,
especially when it's hot!

You know how much big titties
got to do?

You got to go in the bathroom.

You got to pick your titties up,
one by one,

take them out,
wipe them, put them back.

[ Laughter ]

Then you come out, and guys is
like, "You look nice."

You're like, "Bitch, you know
what I just went through?

These girls are tired!"

Trying to become
a better person.

I recently just became
a Christian because

that's how serious I'm trying
to become a better person.

And I like the fact
that God gives you a promise.

He promise you that you
just do what you can,

and He'll handle everything
that you can't.

Do what you can,
and God got the rest.

Now I live by this rule,
and I'm doing what I can.

I'm handling everything
I can except

them student loans.

Ooh, I can't handle them!
I can't!

They be calling you asking
you stupid questions, too!

When can you make
a payment?

Never, bitch.
I just left the mall!

I said, "You know what?
I'm a Christian now.

God gave me a promise."

The bill collectors
called me last week.

They said, "When can you
make a payment?"

I said, "Please do not call
this phone anymore.

God will get in contact
with you...

[ Laughs ]

...when He can.

That battle is not mine.
That is the Lord's."

Smoke weed, and I come up
with stuff like that.

I smoke a lot of weed.
I love it.

I was so happy when they made
weed legal in D.C.

[ Cheering ]

That's right!

You can smoke weed outside
anywhere you want in D.C.

as long as there's
a white person next to you.

That's the rule.

I didn't make it up.
That's the rules!

The police ride past you.

They see a white person.
He's like, "Is that a good one?"

You like, "Yep," and they go
about their day.

That's how it works.

I was so happy.
I was like,

"What? I can pick out
my own drug dealer?

I can pick now?

Whoo, this is good!"

So of course I picked
a black guy

because they said black people
don't support black businesses,

and I wanted to break
that stereotype.

But he kept showing up late,
so he wasn't helping me.

So the new year rolled around.

January 1st came.
I called him.

I was like, "Hey, man,
happy New Year's.

I need you to be
on time this year."

He was like, "Okay,"
but I know people be lying,

so I called him January 2nd
just to make sure.

So called him January 2nd.

I was like,
"Hey, I need a package."

He was like, "Okay,
I'll be there in 15 minutes."

Somebody tell me 15 minutes,

that's how long
I expect to wait,

nothing over 15 minutes.

15 minutes pass.
He wasn't there.

I called him back.
I said, "Where you at?"

He said, "I'm going be
30 minutes late."

Now I'm working on myself.
I don't get mad.

I get petty.

So I got upset.

I hung up the phone,

and I called the police.

[ Laughter ]

Because we need to get people
like that off the streets.

That's negativity.

There's people in jail right now
for selling weed on time.

They was doing their job.

They need to come back home,
get back to work.

These people need to go in.

I'm just trying to make
America great again, I think.

[ Laughter, applause ]

Thank y'all, D.C.

Get this for the camera.
Give me some! Ah!

Come on, white lady!
Ah!

Martin Luther King
would be proud!

Ah!
Come on, white man!

I can't do no more white!
Give me some!

Ah, one more time!
Ah, no, we can't!

No, we can't!
Ooh!

Y'all was great!
My name is Paris Sashay!

Have a good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: Yo, one more time
for Paris Sashay!

She killed it!

Sashay: I had a lot
of challenges in my life.

I feel like the one that really
shaped me was the assault.

-Ooh.
-You did great.

-Thank you.
-Really creative.

-Thank you.
-You did great. Nice job.

-You rocked it.
-Thank you so much.

They can look at me and say,
"Oh, she found laughter

through this,
and she's telling it to us,

so we also can think
about our life

and see where
we can find laughter"...

You guys are great.

You found your calling.Thank you.

...because I turned my pain
into laughter

for people to heal.

Come on, this way.
Hi.

Thank you.
Damn.

I think I'm a superhero,

and I think comedy
is my healing power.

Mm, look at that one.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!