All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e08_English

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Lucas: But I also have
the swagger of Jonah Hill.

-Good to see you.
-Good to see you, too, man.

-How are you?
-Good. Good.

[ Laughter ]

But I was on a date
with a pretty boring

cisgender straight guy,
but he was handsome,

so I wanted to make
a good impression.

We're meeting in a bar.
It was our first time meeting.

And I said, "Hi.
My name is Corina."

And he said,
"Hi. My name is Zach."

And I said, "Oh,
that used to be my name!"

[ Laughter ]Yeah.

...secret to
a lasting relationship.

See, I think that love ends
as soon as you figure out

everything there is to know
about your partner,

which is why I lie
to my partners nonstop, right?

Look, just about little things,
things that don't matter.

Like I'll tell them
I have six siblings,

when in reality
I have chlamydia, right?

-It's a fun lie.
-I don't know.

Like, I feel like
the scene here

is definitely, like,
very unique and different.

-Yeah.
-I don't know.

My name is Mohanad Elshieky,
and I am a stand-up comedian.

Having a voice definitely,
like, is very important to me.

I didn't have that growing up.

Me and my family, like,
couldn't talk about politics.

We'd never talk about
the government.

Like, anything that
happens around us,

like, we would never discuss
in the house.

They would tell me, like,
"Don't give your opinions.

If you hear anything on the
news, don't repeat it outside."

We weren't allowed to speak
about this stuff

because people who do,
they have to face consequences.

Lucas:
Have a great night, everyone!
Thank you very much!

When people talk about,
like, how they're,

like, very enthusiastic
about freedom of speech,

I'm like, "You're not
as enthusiastic as I am."

Because I've lived a life
where I didn't have that.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: Our next comic
coming to the stage,

one of my favorite comics
I've ever seen.

You guys are in
for a such a treat.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

[ Applause ]

The incredible and hilarious
Mohanad Elshieky, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, everyone.
Thank you for being here.

Cool.

[ Laughter ]

My name's Mohanad.
I am an immigrant.

And it's super weird being
an immigrant now

in this country.

I don't know if you've been
watching the news lately

for the past 20 years.

[ Laughter ]

But it's rough.

Also, it's weird being
an immigrant here

in Portland specifically,

because everyone here
has a sign next to their house

that would read something like,
"Immigrants are welcome here."

[ Laughter ]

And I want to test that so bad.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah. I just want to open
someone's front door

and be like, "Well, I am here.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah. Is that the kitchen?
Cool.

Go make me something.
I'll wait here.

Yeah. Yeah.
Seasoning, please."

[ Laughter ]

'Cause, you know.

No, recently I moved to a new
place and have a new roommate.

My new roommate's name is Gian.

I don't know if you've heard
the name Gian before.

I haven't myself.
So I asked.

I was like,
"Oh, Gian's a nice name.

What does Gian mean?"

And he said, "Oh, Gian?

Gian is an Italian name that
translates to 'God is great.'"

Yeah, he said it that way.

And...

I was like, "Cool, man. Okay.

I mean, God is okay at best,
but sure."

[ Laughter ]

But I also felt kind of jealous

because I know for a fact
that I cannot name my kid

"God is great" in Arabic.

Yeah.

Yeah, that won't fly.
Like --

Like, that literally
won't fly anywhere.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

But Italian is cool.

No, see, here's the thing --
It's weird living here

with all of the debates
about guns and stuff.

Like, from both sides,
everyone has an argument.

I, as a comedian, every time
a shooting happens or something,

I have to come up with, like,
something clever to say,

something smart to say,

and I have to post it out
on social media.

That's my job.

Super hard to do.

Yeah, like, I feel like
I am the victim sometimes.

And...

So last time a mass shooting
happened,

I just went on social media
on Twitter

and I wrote that we shouldn't be
sending thoughts and prayers,

and we should be praying
for more gun control,

which to me sounded like
a very logical statement.

I'm like,
"Yeah, that's something

that we can all stand behind."

[ Snickers ]

Until that guy Kevin
replied to me.

You guys know Kevin?

From social media?

Yeah, Kevin replied to me.

This is what Kevin said,
and I quote,

"You fucking Muslim!

I eat bacon 24/7!"

[ Laughter ]

Wow.
That's impressive.

Man, I don't eat bacon,

but I think
that's super unhealthy.

Also, probably the worst
argument against gun control.

You're just shouting
your favorite food at me.

No, Kevin.
No.

No, the other day
I saw on the news

that the school district
in Pennsylvania,

they want to arm students
and protect them

by giving them rocks.

It is 100% true.

They want to arm students
and protect them

by giving them rocks.

And that would work
only in one case --

like if the attacker's weapon
of choice was, like, scissors.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

If he comes with paper...

those kids are fucked.

I come from a, like, relatively,
like, a big family.

So I have four siblings,
and I'm the oldest.

My relationship with my family
is, like, really good.

We're, like, best friends,
me and my dad especially.

My mom is very nice,
very loving.

They made sure
to take care of me.

I went to a private school

because they wanted me
to learn English.

I definitely see the benefit
in it now.

But my childhood was
very different from here

because I was born in Libya

and specifically
in the city of Benghazi.

The government was ran
by Muammar Gaddafi.

He was the president
for 43 years

because there was no elections.

One time when I was
like 7 years old,

the government took
one of my neighbors away

and they set the house on fire.

I remember specifically asking
my dad what was happening,

and my daddy was like,

"You saw nothing,
and this is, like,

something that we will
never talk about again."

In 2011, that's when
the happened in Libya,

and, like, people, like,
for the first time ever,

took to the streets
and, like, started, like,

saying, like,
what they really feel.

Right on the first day
of the revolution,

I started getting into politics
and, like, being an activist.

It was a whole new feeling
that I've never felt in my life,

and it was, like,
really felt super good.

And I was like,
"I really want to do this more."

So I took a job
as an interpreter

a few months into the revolution

because a lot of journalists
came out from,

like, outside the country.

And not so many people
at the time where I live

spoke English, like, fluently,

so I was, like,
one of these few people.

Some days it's just
a regular day.

You go to the front lines.

You interview some people,
and it's fine.

And other days, it is like,
"Okay, am I gonna die today?"

Because, obviously, like,
it's a war zone.

You can't control
what's gonna happen.

In 2014, I applied
for a program,

and I was enrolled
in Portland State University.

As the program was going on
and stuff like that,

things back home were getting,
like, worse and worse --

not just, like,
the political climate

and the situation
in the country itself,

but, like, for me personally.

As a Libyan citizen,
for you to get a U.S. visa,

it is not that easy.

Because I was enrolled
in that program,

I got my visa in like two days.

Before I know it, it was like,
"Oh, this guy definitely works

with the U.S. government
as a spy."

So I started getting a lot of,
like, death threats and stuff,

like, over social media.

My family, like,
got searched twice by,

like, militias
and stuff like that.

So my family was like, "I don't
think you should come home.

If you come home, you would
make it, like, even, like,

tougher on us.

What I remember my mom saying
is, like,

"I'd rather, like,
not see you for a long time

than see you very soon

and have something
happen to you."

No, I'm originally from Libya.

That's where I come from,
specifically from...

[ Audience cheers ]

You're full of shit.

Who "whoos" for that?

Yeah, specifically from
the city of Benghazi.

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

That's the part where you should
give me a standing ovation.

Sorry about the elections.
Anyway...

No, but here's the thing.

See, like, in 2017 only,

like, over 700 people were shot
by the police here in the U.S.

Now, do you know how many people
were shot

by the police in Libya,

which is a third-world country,
in 2017?

No one.

Absolutely zero.

Now, some people will argue,

"That's because Libya
has no police", which is true.

[ Laughter ]

But it's besides the point.

Yeah, there's less
"Fuck the police"

and more, like,
"Where the fuck is the police?"

Maybe come do your job.

I was raised Muslim,

but I used to read the Bible
a lot growing up

'cause you've got to know
what your enemies are up to.

[ Laughter ]

And surprisingly, they were
up to the same thing!

Yeah, we do that, too!

But I remember, like,
growing up, like,

people wouldn't talk about,
like, sex,

sexuality, like,
or dating or any of that,

except my cousin,
who was super religious.

He would come to me and be like,
"Hey, you know what, Mohanad?

As a Muslim,
when you die, you go to heaven,

and you get 72 virgins."

And I remember being like,
"I think that's too many.

That's like 71 too many.

Also, I'm 8, so stop."

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of boy bands...

I just needed that.

Would you mind if I ask you
a question?Woman: Sure.

What would you say is the
worst boy band that you know?

-One Direction.
-One Direction.

Great job.

The correct answer was all
of them, but that'll work.

No, I'll tell you the three
boy bands that I hate,

starting by the ones
I hate the most.

So it's the Jonas Brothers...

One Direction...

and ISIS.

[ Laughter ]

I don't like their work.

I know some of you
are looking at me.

You're like, "Hey, buddy,
I think one of these groups

is so different
from the two others."

I know.
I'm not stupid.

One Direction was not
America's mistake.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.
Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Super edgy, I know.

But here's the thing, though.
A lot of people hate ISIS.

Rightfully so.
They fucking suck.

But you know who hate ISIS
more than anyone else?

Al-Qaeda.

Yeah, yeah, remember
those YouTube stars?

Only the '90s kids can relate.

[ Laughter ]

'Cause Al-Qaeda is probably
sitting somewhere now in a cave

just watching ISIS thrive on TV.

And they're just being like,
"Fucking Millennials...

[ Laughter ]

...with their fancy cameras
and shit."

Four years ago, I applied
for political asylum.

People were like, "Oh, I'm sure,
like, you feel super lucky

that you are, like,
in the U.S. now.

It's so different from where
you are from and super safe."

But they don't understand, like,
Libya is where is lived.

It's where I grew up.
It's my country.

It's my whole family.
It's my friends.

Yes, like, in 2011,
it became a war zone,

but it's a war zone
that's my home.

Coming here and having
zero support was way harder

than even living in Libya.

Even having conversations
with people,

like, it was, like, a struggle.

So, I used to spend
a lot of time,

like, in just, like, in my room,

like, not being able to relate
to anyone.

When it comes to seeing
my family,

I have no plans at the moment.

It is very complicated
due to my asylum circumstances.

I cannot visit Libya

because that will just cancel
the whole thing,

and they also can't come
and visit here

because of the travel ban,

so I might never
see my family again.

The hardest times of the year
is just, like,

Christmas, Thanksgiving.

Although, like,
I don't celebrate that myself,

but just seeing everyone, like,
stay with their families,

I'm like, I don't have no one
to go and see.

I was always a big fan
of stand-up comedy.

Like, I grew up, like,
downloading it illegally

from the Internet,

but I never really dreamt
of being a stand-up comedian.

In college, I took, like,
a public-speaking class,

and I remember my professor
back then was like,

"Why the fuck are you
not doing stand-up comedy?"

And I was like,
"I don't know, man."

It was just, like,
a very scary concept.

So I actually, like, took, like,
a stand-up comedy class.

I know I come from, like,
a different background,

but I was like,
"Okay, I'll use the elements

that unify us all as people."

Once I did that, I was, like,
confident enough,

and I was like,
"Okay, people are digging this.

I just need to write more."

The Portland comedy scene
was very accepting.

I have a lot of friends
in the scene,

like, I'm really grateful to
that helped me since day one.

My family watches everything
I post on YouTube.

They don't speak English at all,

so my younger sister
translates everything to them,

like, word by word.

My mom will, like, talk to me
over the phone and be like,

"People were laughing, and they
seem to be really enjoying it,

so I'm sure
it was really funny,"

and I'm like, "Oh, thank you.
That means a lot to me."

[ Laughter ]

And here's the thing.

I've lived in Portland
for over four years now.

I feel like
I'm really good, like,

at dealing with, like,
racism and stuff.

Like, if someone says
something racist,

I can call them out
almost immediately.

The only place that still
really confuses me, though,

is the airport.

And the reason why,
because while I was walking

to get to my gate,
I got stopped at a TSA,

and the TSA agent looked at me
and said, "Hola, amigo.

No agua."

[ Laughter ]

Oh, so he assumed that
I did not speak English,

which was the fucked-up part.

And I was like,
"You know what, Mohanad?

This is a teaching moment.

Yeah, you got to say something.

Yeah, there's no
social-change fairy.

If you don't do it yourself,
no one's gonna do it for you.

Say something right now."

But I also had a flight
to catch,

and I paid $400,
so social change can wait.

Yeah, it has to be convenient.

Yeah, you can see I'm
a true Portland liberal.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

But also, what was I
gonna say anyway?

Because I cannot look at the guy
and be like, "Hey, you!

Yeah, you,
TSA agent or whatever,

I'm not Hispanic.

I'm actually from Libya.

You know,
from the travel ban thing?

Yeah, that's me.
Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck you!

Yeah.

Next time, profile right.
Do your job."

Teaching moment.

A few months ago,
I quit my job in retail.

I used to work in retail.
I don't have to do it anymore.

And I hated working at retail.

Hated it so much, and I'm
not even allowed to tell you

the place I used to work at

'cause, like, they made me
sign this thing

when they learned
I was a comedian

so it made kind of illegal
to talk about.

But they do sell iPhones, so...

Could be anything.

I remember I used to work there

when that #AllLivesMatter
was trending for a while.

I remember looking at that
and being like,

"Oh, those people have
never worked retail before."

'Cause once you do retail,
it changes your perspective

from all lives matter
to something more like,

"Oh, some people deserve
to die, yeah."

Yeah, people suck.

Me and my friend of mine
the other day,

we were at the Park Plaza
here in Portland,

and we were speaking
in Arabic 'cause we can.

And this guy, who's a preacher,
comes to us, and he's like,

"Hey, you two,
are you from the Middle East?"

I was like, "No, I'm from Libya,
which is in North Africa --

completely different."

Yeah, and he was like, "No.

Mnh-mnh.

Sounds Middle Eastern to me."

Which is not
how geography works.

Like, should it sound to you?

Like, we have a map
and everything.

I was like, "Okay, buddy.
I am from the Middle East.

What do you need here?"

And he was like, "No offense,
but I think everything

that came to the U.S.
from the Middle East

should just go back
to the Middle East,"

and I was like,
"Wow. Everything?"

He's like, "Yes, everything
that came to the U.S.

from the Middle East should just
go back to the Middle East."

And I was like, "Okay, buddy.
No problem.

I guess we're going back.

We're taking all of the
Middle Eastern food carts.

We're taking the humus.

And Jesus Christ, yeah."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

And the guy was so mad!

He was like,
"No, Jesus was white!"

I don't know, man.
Sounds Middle Eastern to me.

Also, if Jesus was white,

his privilege would have
saved him, you know?

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Anyway, that's been my time.

My name's Mohanad Elshieky.
Thank you very much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee:
Mohanad Elshieky, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Elshieky:
In comedy, people don't get to
see people like me often.

Here in the U.S., like,

people like me who are,
like, immigrants or stuff,

like, we're viewed in,
like, two different lenses.

It's either, like,
"You're a bad person.

You're coming here to take jobs,

to become a terrorist,
to do all of that,"

or you're viewed as a victim.

You always need help.

You're a victim.
You don't have a voice.

You always need supportive
people around you.

You can't do stuff
on your own.

And I'm like, "No, I'm neither."

I choose this way that
I want people to view me.

I choose the voice
that I want people to hear.

Just shut up and listen to me.

You get that sometimes,
though?

I get people say, "Brave,"
after a set.

If you tell me that I'm brave
and then I'm like,

"Okay, but that's not
why I do comedy."
Yeah!

I would rather it be like,
"Oh, what a funny coward."

-[ Laughs ]
-But yeah.

I'm not trying to integrate

to the point where I erase
who I used to be.

I'm trying to find a way to be
both things at the same time.

I'm still Libyan.
I still have my culture.

I still have all of my stuff,
but this is where I live now.

Comedy really helps with that.

-Did your friends have fun?
-Yeah, so many laughs.

Back home, they started
to build a comedy scene.

It's amazing just to see, like,
young people, like,

using their voice.

Maybe in the future
a few years from now,

I can, like,
leave the country freely

and come back
and do all of this stuff.

I would love to do
stand-up comedy in Libya

and just, like,
have that chance,

even if it's just for my family.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!