Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Man: So, I've been black for a while now.

Since college. Since college.

But like I said, I've always sounded like this.

I've always sounded like I'm about to audit

a family-owned bakery.

And I got judged a lot

back in, like, high school and middle school.

People would come up to me, talking about,

"Hey, you talkin' white!"

[ Laughter ]

All of the time, you guys!

-Hey! -Becky Braunstein!

-I love you! -Oh, you're the best.

-How are you doing? -I'm good.

-Are you excited? -I'm so excited.

You tryin' to talk white, like these white folks.

You talkin' white, Carter!

And I tried to explain to them...

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

that it's speakingwhite.

[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God, man.

I am Becky Braunstein. I'm a stand-up comedian.

I'm certainly not the run-of-the-mill comedian.

I think I am kind of weird.

But in Portland,

everybody's so different and so weird,

and I feel like I finally belong.

I did not have any friends when I was a kid.

I didn't. Nobody liked me.

But honestly, it's that experience

of not fitting in and being so different

that makes my comedy what it is now.

Turns out, people want to hear about that kind of stuff.

And I'm not sorry.

I'm always gonna be a little weird.

I've had a very strange life.

I'm unapologetically other.

[ Cheers and applause ]

All righty.

Emcee: You guys are so lucky to see such Portland talent.

This is amazing.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

Put your hands together for the incredible

Becky Braunstein, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoo!

Wow, thank you.

Hi, Portland![ Cheers and applause ]

I am so excited to be here right now.

For those who don't know, I am originally from Alaska.

[ Cheers and applause ]Yeah, yeah.

I-I moved to Portland a few years ago.

It's, uh...

It's kind of weird being in America now.

[ Laughter ]

It's very different.

I moved to Portland to do comedy,

and I'm very proud of myself

for actually going through it, you know what I mean?

'Cause, like, back home, people were always talking

about moving out of Alaska to go do whatever, you know,

and nine times out of ten, they come right back.

Just dredged in failure, you know?

Everyone's like, "I'm gonna move to New York City

and be a star on Broadway!"

Like, oh, honey.

You inseminate reindeer for minimum wage.

[ Laughter ]

Or they'll be, like [As Sarah Palin]

"I'm gonna move to Washington D.C.

and be the Vice President

of the United States of America."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Nope!

Sarah Palin, of course,

the second-most famous Alaskan after myself.

Man, she just won't stay gone, you know?

Every time I think we've heard the last of old Sarah P.,

she just keeps popping up with something to say.

Which is weird because not quitting has historically

not been a strength for the Palins.

I feel like I should explain that.

Sarah Palin quit halfway through her term as governor.

Like quit -- just walked out the door.

And then right after that, her husband, Todd Palin,

scratched out of the Iron Dog Snow Machine Race

in the middle of the race!

The only person in that family

who could carry anything to term is Bristol.

[ Laughter ]

Say what you will about Bristol Palin,

she follows through.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, man. I'll tell ya what.

However surprised you may have been

to see Sarah Palin show up on your TV

for the first time back in '08,

you cannot possibly be as surprised

as we were in Alaska to see that shit.

I think most people know before she was governor

that Sarah Palin was the mayor of a small town in Alaska

called Wasilla.

Wasilla, Alaska, is like --

Imagine if the old guy from "Duck Dynasty"

was a town.

[ Laughter ]

It's -- bar's not set high, you know what I'm saying?

I could be the mayor of Wasilla.

Your mom could be the mayor of Wasilla.

I'm sure they just draw names out of a hat.

Or they put everybody's truck keys in a dish,

mix 'em up, I don't know.

It is not a qualification for anything.

It's barely on the map, dude.

Like, being the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska,

is like being the mayor of fuckin' Whoville, man.

I do miss Alaska. I love it.

That'll always be home for me, you know.

I feel like I fit in a little bit better there, you know?

Like, we're all like this back home.

I know this is a lot. I'm a lot.

This is a lot to process.

I mean, you -- you -- you can't miss me, you know.

I'm a human exclamation point.

Alaskans are intense people

because life in Alaska is intense.

In Alaska, life is something that happens to you,

you know what I mean?

I once had a bear come to my front door

when I lived in Alaska.

I did. One day, I heard the doorbell ringing.

[ Laughter ]

It's ringing, like, off the hook, you know?

Like, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong,

bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!

And I thought, okay!

Some Girl Scout troop is about to meet

their out-of-pocket maximum.

[ Laughter ]

So I go to the front door

to kill 'em...

and I look out the window.

It's a goddamn bear

ringing the doorbell with his snout.

You just gotta be ready for shit like that.

That's how crazy it is in Alaska.

You don't even have to go out into the woods to die

in the wilderness anymore.

They are coming to you!

[ Laughter ]

Coming to the front door

like goddamn Amazon prime.

[ Laughter ]

I'm Jewish --

I'm half-Jewish, technically.

I haven't been in a synagogue for, like, 20 years.

I'm Jew-ish.

[ Laughter ]

As a kid, though, like, growing up

as a Jewish kid in Alaska was a hell of a thing.

Like, when my family moved there,

the Jewish population of the state doubled, right?

There's not a lot of polar Jews. We are endangered.

Where I lived there was, like, one synagogue,

and it was right by this orthodox Jewish family

who was, like, sent to Alaska like missionaries

to start up, like, a northern Jewish outpost.

So they got there about the same time we did.

Like, they were running the synagogue

and the Hebrew school and all of that

just out of their house, like out of their basement

like a Silicon Valley startup.

So I went to that when I was a kid,

and I was learning all the things

and learning about the holidays.

So Jewish holidays are scheduled from sunset to sunset, right?

Like, it doesn't follow the American calendar.

It changes every year.

The problem with that is, in Alaska,

the sun doesn't set for six months in the summer.

[ Laughter ]

It's just -- It's daylight 24 hours a day,

and in the winter, it's dark the whole time.

You never even see the sun.

So we were just, like, you know, what,

are we supposed to fast from September to May?

[ Laughter ]

So the rabbi and his wife, the missionaries,

what they did is they sat down,

and they just made up sunset times for each day.

And they printed them on this calendar

that they handed out to all Jewish families in Alaska

so you would know when the holidays were.

And each month of the calendar

had a little, like, hot tip

on being Jewish in Alaska.

Q&A with the rabbi type thing, like, "Is moose kosher?"

[ Laughter ]

Is moose kosher?

I mean, nobody's ever gotten close enough to the hooves

to see if they're cloven and lived to talk about it,

so who knows, right?

I grew up in Eagle River, Alaska, on a mountain.

Alaskans have to deal with things

that a lot of other people don't.

You might have moose licking your car one day,

and you're not gonna make it to work.

You know that's just something you've gotta live with.

You've gotta pick yourself up and say, "How am I gonna

get out of this situation?"

And you do it, man, 'cause if you sit down and cry,

no one's gonna help you.

My parents had the adventurous spirit,

and they moved us around a little bit.

We lived on a farm in rural South Dakota

in the middle of nowhere for a few years.

But then we went to Alaska because we thought,

how far out in the middle of nowhere

can we possibly get?

You don't move to a mountain in Alaska

to be social butterflies.

As a kid, I spent a lot of time alone,

but I wouldn't say that I was lonely.

I used to spend just days by myself in the basement

with a little radio.

I spent a lot of time with the animals

and, you know, kind of just walking by myself

looking at trees and thinking about bears and moose.

Little weird, maybe,

but, you know, I found myself very amusing.

I had ambitions from an early age,

and I decided that I'm gonna be famous some day.

And I told the other kids in class,

'cause we were talking about what we were going to do.

I said, some day, I'm gonna be on TV.

And other kids just tortured me about that

for weeks, for months.

They used to sarcastically ask me for my autograph.

"Can I have your autograph?"

They were so mean and so hateful.

As I got older, I studied theater.

I performed a lot.

I was in a play every other week.

I was always at rehearsal doing all kinds of things.

I thought, you know, if I'm gonna succeed as a performer,

I have got to stand out. I have got to be loud.

I have got to put it out there.

I tried standup several times in Alaska.

And I thought, I might be good at this.

As it turns out, I was very successful at it.

And yeah, I think that was just such a pivotal moment for me.

When I am onstage, I feel confident.

I feel good. I enjoy what I'm doing.

I don't have fears and anxieties and worries

like when I was a kid.

And then --

[ Sighs ]

I was diagnosed with metastatic thyroid cancer,

which was a complete surprise.

When is cancer ever not a surprise?

I'm not sure.

It just hit me like a punch in the face

because I felt like,

if I'm gonna do something, it's gotta be now.

I felt this sense of, like, life is so short.

If I don't do this now,

then I don't know what's gonna happen.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, man, it is quite a culture shock

for me, though, leaving Alaska and coming here.

I feel like I've moved to a different planet, you know?

You know what used to just blow my mind

when I first moved down?

I always thought it was really weird,

whenever I would see on the news

that somebody was missing, you know what I mean?

Like, "A Beaverton man went missing.

Call this number if you've seen him." That kind of thing.

I thought that was weird because, like,

we never used to see that on TV back home.

'Cause in Alaska...

people just disappear.

[ Laughter ]

All the time. You know?

Like, we're just used to that. You know what I mean?

Like, somebody goes missing here, and you -- you...

look for 'em.

[ Laughter ]

Everybody wonders, where did he go?

Makes the news?

That would not make dinnertime conversation in Alaska.

Are you shitting me? We know we shouldn't be there.

We shouldn't.

No people should ever be there.

I don't care what the Tourism Board tells you.

You should not go exploring

the majestic wilderness of Alaska.

Do not do it, man.

That guy who died in a bus?

That's your best case scenario.

[ Laughter ]

Don't go out there.

I moved down here with my boyfriend.

I'm a very long-term relationship.

We've been together for 10 years now.

[ Crowd cheers ]

Yeah, he's a lucky man. Good for him.

[ Laughter ]

We don't have kids,

which is a good thing for many reasons,

not the least of which, that I'm clearly not a grown-up.

I'm not responsible.

Can you imagine me in charge of a human life?

I can't even take care of myself.

I just flossed for the first time

in three years.

[ Laughter ]

Being a comedian, though, all of my friends

are single and dating, you know.

So, like, I'm always getting to hear about

their wild one-night stands

and their little unsolved sex mysteries, you know.

"Why does he want me to call him Voldemort?

He hasn't even read the books."

A good sex mystery, you know.

Which, by the way, there is no sex mystery

in a long-term relationship.

There is no mystery of any kind.

Like, you don't have to play mind games

to get what you want in bed

like you did when you were single.

You know, you don't have to have awkward

U.N. peace talk negotiations

about what is and is not gonna happen.

Even by accident.

[ Laughter ]

Way past that, man!

You know what they want. They know what you want.

You know what works and what doesn't.

You are spring-loaded, man. You're very efficient.

Everybody gets what they want every single time.

100% satisfaction rates.

But...of course,

my single friends will say,

"Yeah, but, like, doesn't it get boring

just sleeping with the same person

year after year after year after year?"

My response to them is this.

Sure, the idea of sleeping

with a totally different, brand-new person

every night of the week sounds exciting.

But think about it this way.

There's nothing shittier than having to complete

an important task with the new person at work.

[ Laughter ]

Because no matter how hard they try,

there usually comes a point where it's just, like,

"Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do here.

But it would be better if I do this myself.

[ Laughter ]Move over."

You can watch over my shoulder if you want.

But it's getting really late,

and I do not have time to train you.

[ Laughter ]

One of my young, single friends,

he just started seeing this girl.

Like, they just got together,

and, literally, after two weeks of dating,

he bought her a vibrator as a birthday present.

[ Crowd groans ] I know, right?

But then he started freaking out about it, you know?

He was, like, "Oh, God, no! I shouldn't have done that.

What kind of message does that send?"

Chill out, dude.

I mean, girls buy their boyfriends an Xbox

for the exact same reason, right?

It's, like, exactly the same conversation, too, you know?

It's, like, sure, we could play together,

but I'm not very good at mashing down a button

over and over again for 20 minutes.

So take this, go in the other room,

play with yourself.

[ Laughter ]

The fear of living in Alaska,

and you have something serious health-wise,

you just gotta move to a bigger city.

So I thought, well, you know,

I want to pursue my entertainment career

and need better medical care.

And I just picked Portland at random.

In Portland, the comedy scene,

it's, I think, one of the best in the country.

And things were really starting to happen in my career.

I was getting into festivals.

I was really rising up in the Portland scene.

I thought for the first time, like,

this could maybe be something.

Being in the early formative years of my standup career

while going through cancer treatment

was kind of an intense experience

because I'm dealing

with this life-and-death medical condition,

but I almost feel like the standup comedy part is,

like, more important and more crucial.

I can't take a break from standup during that. I couldn't.

I could not afford to not go out and hustle

and go to every show.

I remember during one show, right before I got radiation,

so I was half-dead, and I just went up there,

and I did this 15-minute set to just total silence.

It was crazy, 'cause I was so low energy.

I was half asleep.

I should not have not done the show.

I should have cancelled, but I went up there,

and I did it because I'm not gonna miss an opportunity.

The last surgery I had was

to remove lymph nodes attached to the nerve

that controls my speaking voice.

And my doctor explained the risks, you know,

of the surgery and said, "Okay, you know,

you could lose the ability to speak.

You could lose your voice altogether."

And the idea of never being able to perform again

was more frightening to me

than I would literally die on the operating table.

And I went in for surgery, and, spoiler alert,

I didn't lose my voice.

And I will never shut up again

because I've got something to say,

and by God, I'm gonna say it, you know?

Those things that used to make me such an outcast

when I was younger are now the things

that I think make me interesting and different.

I think all comedians probably had at least

a very different childhood experience

than normal people because normal people

don't do standup comedy, right?

This isn't a normal way to live.

[ Laughter ]

I was just recently in Salt Lake City, Utah.

[ Crowd cheers ] Really? Okay.

[ Laughter ]

That city, though, man. I tell you what.

I have seen some weird shit in my day.

But, like, if you ever get a chance to go to Salt Lake City,

you really should go, because it's probably

the closest you'll ever come in your lifetime

to being able to visit North Korea.

[ Laughter ]

You know what I mean?

A lot of vacant stares.

And, like, people can't wait to tell you how happy they are

to live there.

Oh, yeah, everything's great.

But, like, every once in a while,

you'll come across a barista

that's, like, "Get me outta here!"

[ Laughter ]

It is -- it is Pyongyang with white people.

[ Laughter ]

I had never been to Utah before,

and you know how in hotel rooms,

they always have the bible in the night stand?

In Utah, they also have the Book of Mormon in there, too.

So one thing I thought was kind of strange

about the Book of Mormon --

[ Scoffs ] One thing?

[ Laughter ]

I thought it was interesting, but it had, like,

pages and pages of color paintings in it.

You know, like, the people and scenes from the stories

which I thought was a wasted opportunity.

'Cause, like, Mormonism started in the 1800s.

It's a very recent religion.

They could have had photographs.

[ Laughter ]

Like, they had cameras in the 1800s.

I feel like that would have strengthened their case, right?

Like, pics or it didn't happen.

Can you imagine if Jesus had had a boomerang video

of him rising from the grave?

[ Laughter ]

We would all be Christians.

[ Laughter ]

I'm very lucky that I get to travel a lot for comedy.

That is my favorite thing, you know?

I love going to new places and, like,

meeting weird people, you know?

Last fall, I was in New Orleans, Louisiana.

That was a trip, man. What a weird city.

So much weirder than Portland.

I went to the Voodoo Museum in New Orleans.

I stopped by the gift shop on the way out.

I bought a voodoo doll that looks exactly like me.

[ Laughter ]

So I painted a big smile on its face,

put money in its pockets.

I pulled out half the stuffing.

We'll see how this goes.

[ Laughter ]

Just gotta believe in it. [ Chuckles ] Oh, man.

I met some interesting people in New Orleans.

They got some colorful characters down there.

I had never before in my life met a Cajun person

until I went to New Orleans.

You know what I'm talking about, like, swamp people?

I had a Lyft driver in New Orleans

who was very Cajun.

Like, couldn't have been more Cajun

if he'd have pulled up driving a fan boat, playing a banjo.

And he turned to me and said,

"Oh, how you likin' it here in N'awlins?"

And I was, like, "Oh, it's great.

You know, I'm from Alaska,

so to me, this is like a huge city."

And he goes, "Whoo-hee!

You know this here like a big city to me, too.

I'm from the country.

I grew up on an alligator and chicken farm.

Oh, well, but this year, we run out of alligator food,

so now it's just an alligator farm.

And you see that park over there?

There's gonna be a gumbo jazz festival in that park tomorrow.

You know, I got a rat in my house.

I think he mocking me.

I be setting out traps for him,

and he finding my socks and wash cloths,

and he draping them over the traps

like he building little bridges.

Just a little rat civil engineer.

Ooh, he is laughing at me.

Now, I'm gonna park the car right there.

You can cross the street, get to your hotel."

He could have crashed the car into oncoming traffic,

I'd have given him five stars.

[ Laughter ]

I am Becky Braunstein. That's my time tonight.

Thank you guys so much!

[ Cheers and applause ] Love you!

Thank you!

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

Emcee: Give it up for Becky Braunstein, you guys!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Ohh!

[ Laughs ]

Thank you for being here.

People have been telling me my whole life

that I can't do stuff, since I was a little kid.

They've been telling me, "You can't fit in.

We don't want to play with you."

They told me in high school when I was doing plays,

"You're always gonna be in the background.

You're never gonna be Cinderella."

And I just now realize,

I never wanted to be Cinderella.

I'm something completely different.

I've been carrying this around everywhere I go onset

so that I can stay dry.

Like Beyoncé.

[ Laughs ]

My entire life has led up to this moment,

and I feel like that because it couldn't have

turned out any other way.

I had a horrendous childhood,

and I lived on a mountain.

And then I got cancer,

and I was radioactive,

and I had to face scary surgeries,

and now I'm a standup comedian.

I don't know if destiny is a real thing.

I don't know if people have a purpose.

But I do know this is all I've ever wanted to do.

I am gonna do this or die trying.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it!