All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e06_English

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Emcee: I was just dating a DJ,
which was really exciting for me

just because I've never
been cheated on before.

Bubbe! Bubbe!

Oh, forget about it.
You're beautiful.

But he was a sweet guy.

Like, on our second date,
he brought me flowers,

and he was like, "Look.
I don't have a lot of money.

I just wanted to show you
that I care."

And I was like, "Oh, my God."

You don't have to spend money
on me to show me that you care.

If you want to show me
that you care, like,

just let me
go through your phone.

That's all I want.

The key to my heart is
the pass code to your phone.

[ Laughter ]

Christensen:
Yo, I'm Rob Christensen,

and I am a comic
from Brooklyn, New York.

I should have been arrested

and had way more felonies
than I do,

but I got away
with a lot of shit.

I got away with it.

People generally see me,
and they think I'm just,

like, an asshole tough guy,
whatever, you know,

but I think I'm pretty emotional
and soft, you know?

Like, I always knew I had
a softer side when I was a kid,

and then when I got
into all the bad stuff,

you shove that down.

Like, you'll be
whatever you want to be.

You'll be the beast
that you feed,

but when I started
doing stand-up,

the actual me
started coming back.

Emcee: Come on, you guys.

We got one last comic
of the night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

All right, our next comic is
a San Diego favorite.

Give it up
for Rob Christensen, everyone.

[ Cheers and applause ]

No!

Yeah.

This is dope!

I'm feeling good about this.

I'm actually
a really positive person.

[ Light laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

"I'm trying to live my truth,"
is a sentence that idiots say.

[ Laughter ]

But really, you know,
no one wants to live a lie.

But that's why I'm happy
to announce that next week,

I'm going to start
taking hormones,

and I'm finally
going to transition

into an even
more muscular man.

That's right, baby.

Oh, yeah.

My whole --
I'm talking, my whole life

I've felt like an action
movie star stuck inside the body

of a customer-service
representative

at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

No more, no more.

When I say hormones,
I mean testosterone

that I bought at my gym
from a weird dude,

but he's diesel,
so I trust him.

And I don't know
where I'm going to pee.

I can't pee with you
normal dudes no more.

Unh-unh.
I'm too action for that.

From now on,
I can only pee in the woods

in between a wolf and an owl.

I only urinate in between
nocturnal predators.

I'm often very far
from the woods

and hold my urine in
for very long amounts of time.

I used to sell PCP in Brooklyn.

I don't use Yelp
because that's snitching.

Like, Yelp is only angry people.

You should be forced
to take a nap

before you leave
a Yelp review.

Audience member: Whoo!

Go on Yelp if you want
to find out

what the angriest man
in Carlsbad

has to say about
Korean barbecue.

It's bullshit.
Yeah.

"Let me get on the Internet
and rat on a waitress.

Yeah, she really needs to take
it in the ass like that."

It's bullshit.
Listen.

Yelp will call up a business,

and they'll fucking
force them to pay money

to have their good reviews
put on the top of the page.

That's some Mafia shit.

It's like, "Hey. I noticed
you had a few good reviews here.

It'd be a shame
if something happened to them.

I wouldn't want someone
to put those reviews

at the bottom of the page."

I want to apologize real quick
about my face.

I realize I have a bad face.

It's a very punchable face.

I know that from experience
firsthand, pun intended.

I have what's commonly referred
to as a resting dick face.

I got a face
that means business,

but is also bad for business.

My presence is
full of intensity,

but it also looks like
I fight bums in tent city.

That's what I look like.

I really am trying to smile more
in my older age

because I realize that sometimes
people will see me

and get nervous

that I'm going to freestyle
rap at their house party.

I might do it.

It's going to be all originals
with a limited vocabulary,

and at some point I'm going
to accidentally say a word

I'm not allowed to say.

It's not going to be one of
those really bad words, though.

I don't say those words.
I'm not a monster.

It's going to be a B-level
bad word, like Oriental.

Is it bad? Yeah.
Will it ruin a party?

Not in America.

America!

[ Applause ]

Cheap-applause break
number one in the set.

[ Laughter ]

I actually like
the word oriental

because it's
a warning word.

It's a gateway word.
Yeah.

If you're at a party and you
hear someone say that word,

you know they also say
all the other bad words.

They're testing the waters.

Get out of that conversation.

They're going to say a word
that will ruin the night.

[ Laughter, applause ]

For me, growing up in Brooklyn,
I was supposed to be a cop.

My brother is a cop.
I had an aunt who's a cop.

Dad is a code officer.
Yeah, and that's what they do.

That's what everyone does.

I was, like, really quiet,
kind of an introverted person,

so I feel like it was
a little tougher for me.

I wasn't -- Like, I didn't have
a lot of friends

and stuff like that,
so I was always just, like,

looking for places to fit in,
and so I ended up kind of

getting into trouble
because of that.

When you're trying to fit in,
you end up doing things

you wouldn't normally do.

I was a teenager in Brooklyn
in the '90s

which was, like,
the golden age of rap

and then also the golden age
of the rave scene,

and there was, like,
lots of drugs,

and it was still kind of tough,
and I started writing graffiti

because it was the, like,
the first art

that I could do
without being called a bitch.

That's just the way it was
in Brooklyn at the time.

It's like, I'm not going to go
be in a play, you know?

Like, you're just going to catch
so much flak for that,

and so it's, like,
a way to express yourself

in more of,
like, a tough, tough world,

and so that's why
I started writing graffiti.

There was a gang that was
from Brooklyn called B.T.S.

The crew started originally
as a graffiti crew.

They, like, kept me around
because it was, like, important

that someone wrote
a lot of graffiti for the crew.

They were also dealing drugs,
and I got involved in,

like, selling weed,
PCP, and hits of ecstasy,

and that's also when
I started getting high.

I just lived that
whole lifestyle until

the drama of being an everyday
neighborhood drug dealer

turned into the scariest thing
that ever happened to me.

There was this dude
who had just got out of jail.

He was like, "Hey.
I want to buy some weed."

And all my boys were there.

they were all there, and they
watched me walk into this,

like, basement area
of some apartment building,

and as soon as we got back
there, he pulled out a razor.

He put it to my neck, took the
weed, went through my wallet,

and he just walked out,
walked right past all my boys.

Like, he was just --
He had no fear.

He was not scared that anything
was going to happen to him.

And so then when something
like that happens,

I put it in the back
of my head, and I'm like,

"I'm not really cut out
for this, you know?"

[ Laughter ]

I'm scared to go get a massage

because I can't tell
the difference

between a place that's going
to fix my shoulder

and a place that's going
to give me a surprise handjob,

and I would never pay for sex
because I'm under the impression

that sexually based offenses are
considered especially heinous.

Bom, bom.

Now, I don't know why I would
pay for a handjob

when it's a fact that I give
the best handjob on the planet.

I made it happen
100% of the time

since I'm 11 1/2 years old.

I did it on a plane, on a train,
in a house with a mouse.

I'm the Dr. Seuss of jerking off
this dick to completion.

[ Laughter ]

I even got it done on Adderall,
which is nearly impossible

because on Adderall
I'm my best possible self

with my smallest possible dick,

and I don't let that stop me.

I'm not a quitter.

I will start dropping
fingers off.

Ladies, you know
what I'm talking about.

Ladies, you've been there.

Maybe one of your boyfriends
right now,

you got to drop
a few fingers off.

I will drop fingers off
till I'm jerking off

with an okay symbol.

Also, I owe everyone
two punches.

Y'all looked at it.

Y'all looked at it.

But I will never let
my girlfriend

drop a finger, not one.

Okay, put two hands on it.
Make me feel special.

I deserve to feel special.

I bought you a Chanel purse.

I deserve to feel special.

I think based on that logic,
I do pay for handjobs.

[ Laughter ]

I'm getting ripped off.

I had the honor
of having a conversation

with a person wearing
a Make America Great Again hat.

[ Audience groans ]

It was odd because very early
in the conversation,

the guy told me
that he was upset

that gay people
stole the rainbow.

That's a weird third line
of a conversation.

We had just exchanged names,
and all of a sudden

you're dropping
a thesis statement on me?

Did you come out of the house
ready to argue?

So I was like, "Yo, hold up.

First of all, it's impossible
to steal weather phenomena.

[ Laughter ]

And second, there's no way
that gay people

had to steal the rainbow

because the rainbow
came out of the closet.

The rainbow has always been

the most flamboyant
weather phenomenon.

Every time you see it,
its outfit never matches.

Across the other side of it,
you're going to meet a wizard

and a horse
of a different color."

[ Laughter ]

I think that the rainbow
is actually a positive use

of a flag, and, I mean,
usually --

I mean, flags are usually
just penis extensions

for countries, you know?

Like, sometimes flags
can mean bad things,

but not the rainbow flag,
you know?

It's a positive thing.

Like, we went to the Moon

just to put a flag on it
before the Russians.

If that's not about dicks,
I don't know what's about dicks.

The spaceship looks like a dick,
astronauts look like sperm.

We went up there, shot a big,
fat American wad on the Moon

and said, "Fuck you, Russia."

And they're still mad about it.

They got real good at Facebook.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Sometimes when I talk shit
like this,

I feel, like, out of place

because I'm, like, kind
of an aggressive liberal,

which means I'm kind
of a political unicorn.

It's like, "A liberal with
a backbone, who'd have thought?"

Sometimes I don't make sense
because I'm like, "I'm antiwar,

and I'm down to fight about it.

Let's do this.

Equality or else.

Health care,
we can step outside.

I'm going to take
your guns away.

Use your guns to take
other people's guns away.

[ Laughter ]

How's that make sense?"

Every bad thing that could
possibly happen to you

in drugs happened to me,
and I wasn't G enough.

I wasn't going to kill somebody,
so you can't --

You know, you're going
to get to that point

where you have to do
some shit like that.

I'm not doing that.

It's, like, the total of these
negative experiences

when I would decide
to make a change.

I always knew selling drugs
was never an endgame,

so I went into the Air Force
to get out of it.

When I went to the Air Force
and did basic training,

I was working out of the Burgas,
Bulgaria, airport,

and it was the strictest thing
I've ever done in my life,

the most discipline
that I could ever need.

I realized, "Hey, if I could get
through this,

I could probably do college."

So then I started going to
a school in California,

Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo,

but I still loved
doing drugs, you know?

That doesn't go away,
and things got really bad.

One time I was high on acid,
and I had a flip-out

and had to go
to the psycho ward for a day.

It was, like, all rainbows
in the beginning,

and it turned into skulls,

and then the next day
I was in the hospital.

But I'm real lucky because
that is when I found comedy,

and it changed my life.

Finally, I had a way
that I could show people myself,

so it was, like, important that
I can't be hungover tomorrow

because I need to do stand-up.

I can't get high because
I needed to do stand-up.

I want every punch line to hit.

I want to come up with new jokes
while I'm up there.

I want the brain to click
into that

next level where you're not --

It's like stand-up is in charge,
and you're watching it.

You're just along for the ride.

And stand-up replaced the place
in my life that drugs were.

[ Laughter ]

Even men's fragrances
have to sound tough.

How ridiculous is that,
you know?

Every men's fragrance is like,

Sunset Cowboy or Black Ice
or Eagle's Dick.

I don't want to smell
like a eagle's dick.

[ Laughter ]

I got three candles last
Christmas from a cheap person,

and --
But they were man candles.

Like, they couldn't
get me normal candles.

Like, because I have a penis,
I can't enjoy potpourri.

You know what I'm saying?
Like, "Oh, I'm a dude,

so my candles need
to be man candles," trademark.

I open up the three pack.

The first fragrance was whiskey
and tobacco

just in case I need my apartment
to smell like a naughty grandpa.

[ Laughter ]

The other two fragrances
were sawdust and old factory.

Didn't know I was missing the
smell of old factory in my life.

Now I do, but now, you know,
it's a great --

It's like a tradition
that I have.

I'll go out on the road,
and then I'll come home.

I'll be so happy to be home.

I'll get into my bed.

I'll light up a little sawdust.

I'll light up a little
old factory,

and I'll just really take in
the smell of the union job

I don't have, just really get
a whiff of that pension

I'm not contributing to.

Now my girlfriend is horny,
but not for me,

for some damn carpenter,
and not a fancy

Channing Tatum carpenter.

No, it's some weird,
old factory carpenter.

He's got hair on his shoulders.
He's wearing a wife-beater.

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

That's it.

Now, I'm going to smell
however I want to smell.

I don't care what masculinity
wants me to smell like.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, if I want to walk around
smelling like

a strawberry-vanilla sassafras,
I'm going to do that.

Game over.
Game over.

If your girl can leave the house
looking like a snack,

I can leave the house
smelling like dessert.

[ Laughter ]

I'm walking around.

I'm smelling like
an ocean-sea-breeze man,

and if you don't like it,
you can ocean see these hands.

What's up?
What's up?

Get your ass beat up by a dude

that smells
like your mom's bathroom.

[ Laughter ]

I was looking at myself
in the mirror recently

while I put lotion
on my feet.

And I couldn't figure out
at what point in my life

did soft feet
become important to me.

I just woke up one day like,
"This is too crusty.

Unh-unh-unh.
Mnh-mnh.

This needs to be, like, 11 or 12
times way more slipperier."

[ Laughter ]

Now I'm all up
on that lotion, baby.

I'm staying hydrated
on that lotion,

sliding around my house
on the hardwood floor,

dropping into a split and twerk.

I have a good time
when I'm on that lotion.

[ Applause ]

But now every piggy's pad
gets some lotion, baby.

I just get in between
those toes, get the heel,

take a nice moist foot,

throw it in a warm sock
straight out of the dryer.

It feels so naughty.

I might do it tonight.

I just wish I could do this
with my toes, you know?

Like, like, how satisfying
would this be

if you could just get those feet
together like you're stretching,

you know, just get
those hammies stretched out

and just really get
those toes together.

You know, statistically,

8% of the audience
is sexually aroused

by what I'm doing right now.

That's right.

8% of y'all are freaks.

I like you guys.

I was in the shower recently,

and I noticed that it takes
my girlfriend 13 products

to take one shower.

I only need three products.

I got a face wash, a body wash,
and a shampoo.

It's for my beard.
Don't be a dick.

Come on.

Scalp health, okay?

Tea tree oil,
you know what I'm saying?

[ Laughs ]

But I saw all of my girl's
products, and I was like,

"Yo, I'm going to experiment,"

so I dipped my hand
in what I could only describe

as a bucketful
of flavor crystals,

and I rubbed it all over
my whole, entire body,

and I washed it off,

and I accidentally exfoliated
for the first time in my life,

and I felt luxurious.

-Whoo!
-I smelled delicious.

I had never felt so sexy
in my life.

I was even moving sexy.

I was just floating around
my house like a vampire.

Like, the bottom didn't move.

Just like...

[ Laughter, applause ]

I was looking at my legs like,

"I'm going to shave
these things.

I don't care
what the guys say."

[ Laughter ]

But women get taught to do
that type of stuff.

They get taught self-care, but,
men, we never get taught that.

It's always like,
"Play sports and fight people

and take all your problems
and shove them deep,

deep down into your stomach
until you die of a heart attack

5 years before your wife."

That's why they live longer.
They're exfoliating.

[ Laughter ]

No more!
That's it.

From not on, it's communicate,
hydrate, exfoliate.

That's all I'm doing.

I'm changing the game for men.

That's it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Peace!

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

Give it up for
Rob Christensen, everybody.

♪♪

Honestly, for me, stand-up is

the reason
I'm not a drug addict.

That nocturnal animals line,
forget it.

That's so funny, dude.
-Oh, thank you, man.

I appreciate it.

I was just a drug addict
and did drugs because

I didn't know what I wanted
to do with my life, you know?

I didn't know how to be me.

I mean, all that's a lie.
I really am a Trump guy.

[ Laughs ]

-Oh.
-Yeah.

You guys know
I'm kidding, right?

Right to the camera,
that was a joke, motherfuckers.

-Oh, God.
-Stand-up is the way

that I can express myself,
and it's like,

"What's the worst thing
that's going to happen?

I'm going to bomb?
Cool, I'm still alive.

I'm not in jail."

It's, like,
so I have no fear, you know?

It's almost like
the whole part of my life

where I was being a tough guy
was when I was faking it,

and the part of me
that is just happy and emotional

and doing stand-up,
this is the real me.

♪ Hey, hey

♪ You take me away

♪ Yeah, take me away

♪ Show me something,
make it good ♪

♪ I've got a one-way trip,
boy, starting with you ♪

♪ So let's go

♪ Come on,
we'll do what you say ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ Come on,
we're totally made ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ Come on,
we're totally made ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ Yeah, anyway

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!