Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Emcee: I was just dating a DJ, which was really exciting for me

just because I've never been cheated on before.

Bubbe! Bubbe!

Oh, forget about it. You're beautiful.

But he was a sweet guy.

Like, on our second date, he brought me flowers,

and he was like, "Look. I don't have a lot of money.

I just wanted to show you that I care."

And I was like, "Oh, my God."

You don't have to spend money on me to show me that you care.

If you want to show me that you care, like,

just let me go through your phone.

That's all I want.

The key to my heart is the pass code to your phone.

[ Laughter ]

Christensen: Yo, I'm Rob Christensen,

and I am a comic from Brooklyn, New York.

I should have been arrested

and had way more felonies than I do,

but I got away with a lot of shit.

I got away with it.

People generally see me, and they think I'm just,

like, an asshole tough guy, whatever, you know,

but I think I'm pretty emotional and soft, you know?

Like, I always knew I had a softer side when I was a kid,

and then when I got into all the bad stuff,

you shove that down.

Like, you'll be whatever you want to be.

You'll be the beast that you feed,

but when I started doing stand-up,

the actual me started coming back.

Emcee: Come on, you guys.

We got one last comic of the night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

All right, our next comic is a San Diego favorite.

Give it up for Rob Christensen, everyone.

[ Cheers and applause ]

No!

Yeah.

This is dope!

I'm feeling good about this.

I'm actually a really positive person.

[ Light laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

"I'm trying to live my truth," is a sentence that idiots say.

[ Laughter ]

But really, you know, no one wants to live a lie.

But that's why I'm happy to announce that next week,

I'm going to start taking hormones,

and I'm finally going to transition

into an even more muscular man.

That's right, baby.

Oh, yeah.

My whole -- I'm talking, my whole life

I've felt like an action movie star stuck inside the body

of a customer-service representative

at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

No more, no more.

When I say hormones, I mean testosterone

that I bought at my gym from a weird dude,

but he's diesel, so I trust him.

And I don't know where I'm going to pee.

I can't pee with you normal dudes no more.

Unh-unh. I'm too action for that.

From now on, I can only pee in the woods

in between a wolf and an owl.

I only urinate in between nocturnal predators.

I'm often very far from the woods

and hold my urine in for very long amounts of time.

I used to sell PCP in Brooklyn.

I don't use Yelp because that's snitching.

Like, Yelp is only angry people.

You should be forced to take a nap

before you leave a Yelp review.

Audience member: Whoo!

Go on Yelp if you want to find out

what the angriest man in Carlsbad

has to say about Korean barbecue.

It's bullshit. Yeah.

"Let me get on the Internet and rat on a waitress.

Yeah, she really needs to take it in the ass like that."

It's bullshit. Listen.

Yelp will call up a business,

and they'll fucking force them to pay money

to have their good reviews put on the top of the page.

That's some Mafia shit.

It's like, "Hey. I noticed you had a few good reviews here.

It'd be a shame if something happened to them.

I wouldn't want someone to put those reviews

at the bottom of the page."

I want to apologize real quick about my face.

I realize I have a bad face.

It's a very punchable face.

I know that from experience firsthand, pun intended.

I have what's commonly referred to as a resting dick face.

I got a face that means business,

but is also bad for business.

My presence is full of intensity,

but it also looks like I fight bums in tent city.

That's what I look like.

I really am trying to smile more in my older age

because I realize that sometimes people will see me

and get nervous

that I'm going to freestyle rap at their house party.

I might do it.

It's going to be all originals with a limited vocabulary,

and at some point I'm going to accidentally say a word

I'm not allowed to say.

It's not going to be one of those really bad words, though.

I don't say those words. I'm not a monster.

It's going to be a B-level bad word, like Oriental.

Is it bad? Yeah. Will it ruin a party?

Not in America.

America!

[ Applause ]

Cheap-applause break number one in the set.

[ Laughter ]

I actually like the word oriental

because it's a warning word.

It's a gateway word. Yeah.

If you're at a party and you hear someone say that word,

you know they also say all the other bad words.

They're testing the waters.

Get out of that conversation.

They're going to say a word that will ruin the night.

[ Laughter, applause ]

For me, growing up in Brooklyn, I was supposed to be a cop.

My brother is a cop. I had an aunt who's a cop.

Dad is a code officer. Yeah, and that's what they do.

That's what everyone does.

I was, like, really quiet, kind of an introverted person,

so I feel like it was a little tougher for me.

I wasn't -- Like, I didn't have a lot of friends

and stuff like that, so I was always just, like,

looking for places to fit in, and so I ended up kind of

getting into trouble because of that.

When you're trying to fit in, you end up doing things

you wouldn't normally do.

I was a teenager in Brooklyn in the '90s

which was, like, the golden age of rap

and then also the golden age of the rave scene,

and there was, like, lots of drugs,

and it was still kind of tough, and I started writing graffiti

because it was the, like, the first art

that I could do without being called a bitch.

That's just the way it was in Brooklyn at the time.

It's like, I'm not going to go be in a play, you know?

Like, you're just going to catch so much flak for that,

and so it's, like, a way to express yourself

in more of, like, a tough, tough world,

and so that's why I started writing graffiti.

There was a gang that was from Brooklyn called B.T.S.

The crew started originally as a graffiti crew.

They, like, kept me around because it was, like, important

that someone wrote a lot of graffiti for the crew.

They were also dealing drugs, and I got involved in,

like, selling weed, PCP, and hits of ecstasy,

and that's also when I started getting high.

I just lived that whole lifestyle until

the drama of being an everyday neighborhood drug dealer

turned into the scariest thing that ever happened to me.

There was this dude who had just got out of jail.

He was like, "Hey. I want to buy some weed."

And all my boys were there.

they were all there, and they watched me walk into this,

like, basement area of some apartment building,

and as soon as we got back there, he pulled out a razor.

He put it to my neck, took the weed, went through my wallet,

and he just walked out, walked right past all my boys.

Like, he was just -- He had no fear.

He was not scared that anything was going to happen to him.

And so then when something like that happens,

I put it in the back of my head, and I'm like,

"I'm not really cut out for this, you know?"

[ Laughter ]

I'm scared to go get a massage

because I can't tell the difference

between a place that's going to fix my shoulder

and a place that's going to give me a surprise handjob,

and I would never pay for sex because I'm under the impression

that sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous.

Bom, bom.

Now, I don't know why I would pay for a handjob

when it's a fact that I give the best handjob on the planet.

I made it happen 100% of the time

since I'm 11 1/2 years old.

I did it on a plane, on a train, in a house with a mouse.

I'm the Dr. Seuss of jerking off this dick to completion.

[ Laughter ]

I even got it done on Adderall, which is nearly impossible

because on Adderall I'm my best possible self

with my smallest possible dick,

and I don't let that stop me.

I'm not a quitter.

I will start dropping fingers off.

Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

Ladies, you've been there.

Maybe one of your boyfriends right now,

you got to drop a few fingers off.

I will drop fingers off till I'm jerking off

with an okay symbol.

Also, I owe everyone two punches.

Y'all looked at it.

Y'all looked at it.

But I will never let my girlfriend

drop a finger, not one.

Okay, put two hands on it. Make me feel special.

I deserve to feel special.

I bought you a Chanel purse.

I deserve to feel special.

I think based on that logic, I do pay for handjobs.

[ Laughter ]

I'm getting ripped off.

I had the honor of having a conversation

with a person wearing a Make America Great Again hat.

[ Audience groans ]

It was odd because very early in the conversation,

the guy told me that he was upset

that gay people stole the rainbow.

That's a weird third line of a conversation.

We had just exchanged names, and all of a sudden

you're dropping a thesis statement on me?

Did you come out of the house ready to argue?

So I was like, "Yo, hold up.

First of all, it's impossible to steal weather phenomena.

[ Laughter ]

And second, there's no way that gay people

had to steal the rainbow

because the rainbow came out of the closet.

The rainbow has always been

the most flamboyant weather phenomenon.

Every time you see it, its outfit never matches.

Across the other side of it, you're going to meet a wizard

and a horse of a different color."

[ Laughter ]

I think that the rainbow is actually a positive use

of a flag, and, I mean, usually --

I mean, flags are usually just penis extensions

for countries, you know?

Like, sometimes flags can mean bad things,

but not the rainbow flag, you know?

It's a positive thing.

Like, we went to the Moon

just to put a flag on it before the Russians.

If that's not about dicks, I don't know what's about dicks.

The spaceship looks like a dick, astronauts look like sperm.

We went up there, shot a big, fat American wad on the Moon

and said, "Fuck you, Russia."

And they're still mad about it.

They got real good at Facebook.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Sometimes when I talk shit like this,

I feel, like, out of place

because I'm, like, kind of an aggressive liberal,

which means I'm kind of a political unicorn.

It's like, "A liberal with a backbone, who'd have thought?"

Sometimes I don't make sense because I'm like, "I'm antiwar,

and I'm down to fight about it.

Let's do this.

Equality or else.

Health care, we can step outside.

I'm going to take your guns away.

Use your guns to take other people's guns away.

[ Laughter ]

How's that make sense?"

Every bad thing that could possibly happen to you

in drugs happened to me, and I wasn't G enough.

I wasn't going to kill somebody, so you can't --

You know, you're going to get to that point

where you have to do some shit like that.

I'm not doing that.

It's, like, the total of these negative experiences

when I would decide to make a change.

I always knew selling drugs was never an endgame,

so I went into the Air Force to get out of it.

When I went to the Air Force and did basic training,

I was working out of the Burgas, Bulgaria, airport,

and it was the strictest thing I've ever done in my life,

the most discipline that I could ever need.

I realized, "Hey, if I could get through this,

I could probably do college."

So then I started going to a school in California,

Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo,

but I still loved doing drugs, you know?

That doesn't go away, and things got really bad.

One time I was high on acid, and I had a flip-out

and had to go to the psycho ward for a day.

It was, like, all rainbows in the beginning,

and it turned into skulls,

and then the next day I was in the hospital.

But I'm real lucky because that is when I found comedy,

and it changed my life.

Finally, I had a way that I could show people myself,

so it was, like, important that I can't be hungover tomorrow

because I need to do stand-up.

I can't get high because I needed to do stand-up.

I want every punch line to hit.

I want to come up with new jokes while I'm up there.

I want the brain to click into that

next level where you're not --

It's like stand-up is in charge, and you're watching it.

You're just along for the ride.

And stand-up replaced the place in my life that drugs were.

[ Laughter ]

Even men's fragrances have to sound tough.

How ridiculous is that, you know?

Every men's fragrance is like,

Sunset Cowboy or Black Ice or Eagle's Dick.

I don't want to smell like a eagle's dick.

[ Laughter ]

I got three candles last Christmas from a cheap person,

and -- But they were man candles.

Like, they couldn't get me normal candles.

Like, because I have a penis, I can't enjoy potpourri.

You know what I'm saying? Like, "Oh, I'm a dude,

so my candles need to be man candles," trademark.

I open up the three pack.

The first fragrance was whiskey and tobacco

just in case I need my apartment to smell like a naughty grandpa.

[ Laughter ]

The other two fragrances were sawdust and old factory.

Didn't know I was missing the smell of old factory in my life.

Now I do, but now, you know, it's a great --

It's like a tradition that I have.

I'll go out on the road, and then I'll come home.

I'll be so happy to be home.

I'll get into my bed.

I'll light up a little sawdust.

I'll light up a little old factory,

and I'll just really take in the smell of the union job

I don't have, just really get a whiff of that pension

I'm not contributing to.

Now my girlfriend is horny, but not for me,

for some damn carpenter, and not a fancy

Channing Tatum carpenter.

No, it's some weird, old factory carpenter.

He's got hair on his shoulders. He's wearing a wife-beater.

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

That's it.

Now, I'm going to smell however I want to smell.

I don't care what masculinity wants me to smell like.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, if I want to walk around smelling like

a strawberry-vanilla sassafras, I'm going to do that.

Game over. Game over.

If your girl can leave the house looking like a snack,

I can leave the house smelling like dessert.

[ Laughter ]

I'm walking around.

I'm smelling like an ocean-sea-breeze man,

and if you don't like it, you can ocean see these hands.

What's up? What's up?

Get your ass beat up by a dude

that smells like your mom's bathroom.

[ Laughter ]

I was looking at myself in the mirror recently

while I put lotion on my feet.

And I couldn't figure out at what point in my life

did soft feet become important to me.

I just woke up one day like, "This is too crusty.

Unh-unh-unh. Mnh-mnh.

This needs to be, like, 11 or 12 times way more slipperier."

[ Laughter ]

Now I'm all up on that lotion, baby.

I'm staying hydrated on that lotion,

sliding around my house on the hardwood floor,

dropping into a split and twerk.

I have a good time when I'm on that lotion.

[ Applause ]

But now every piggy's pad gets some lotion, baby.

I just get in between those toes, get the heel,

take a nice moist foot,

throw it in a warm sock straight out of the dryer.

It feels so naughty.

I might do it tonight.

I just wish I could do this with my toes, you know?

Like, like, how satisfying would this be

if you could just get those feet together like you're stretching,

you know, just get those hammies stretched out

and just really get those toes together.

You know, statistically,

8% of the audience is sexually aroused

by what I'm doing right now.

That's right.

8% of y'all are freaks.

I like you guys.

I was in the shower recently,

and I noticed that it takes my girlfriend 13 products

to take one shower.

I only need three products.

I got a face wash, a body wash, and a shampoo.

It's for my beard. Don't be a dick.

Come on.

Scalp health, okay?

Tea tree oil, you know what I'm saying?

[ Laughs ]

But I saw all of my girl's products, and I was like,

"Yo, I'm going to experiment,"

so I dipped my hand in what I could only describe

as a bucketful of flavor crystals,

and I rubbed it all over my whole, entire body,

and I washed it off,

and I accidentally exfoliated for the first time in my life,

and I felt luxurious.

-Whoo! -I smelled delicious.

I had never felt so sexy in my life.

I was even moving sexy.

I was just floating around my house like a vampire.

Like, the bottom didn't move.

Just like...

[ Laughter, applause ]

I was looking at my legs like,

"I'm going to shave these things.

I don't care what the guys say."

[ Laughter ]

But women get taught to do that type of stuff.

They get taught self-care, but, men, we never get taught that.

It's always like, "Play sports and fight people

and take all your problems and shove them deep,

deep down into your stomach until you die of a heart attack

5 years before your wife."

That's why they live longer. They're exfoliating.

[ Laughter ]

No more! That's it.

From not on, it's communicate, hydrate, exfoliate.

That's all I'm doing.

I'm changing the game for men.

That's it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Peace!

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

Give it up for Rob Christensen, everybody.

♪♪

Honestly, for me, stand-up is

the reason I'm not a drug addict.

That nocturnal animals line, forget it.

That's so funny, dude. -Oh, thank you, man.

I appreciate it.

I was just a drug addict and did drugs because

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, you know?

I didn't know how to be me.

I mean, all that's a lie. I really am a Trump guy.

[ Laughs ]

-Oh. -Yeah.

You guys know I'm kidding, right?

Right to the camera, that was a joke, motherfuckers.

-Oh, God. -Stand-up is the way

that I can express myself, and it's like,

"What's the worst thing that's going to happen?

I'm going to bomb? Cool, I'm still alive.

I'm not in jail."

It's, like, so I have no fear, you know?

It's almost like the whole part of my life

where I was being a tough guy was when I was faking it,

and the part of me that is just happy and emotional

and doing stand-up, this is the real me.

♪ Hey, hey

♪ You take me away

♪ Yeah, take me away

♪ Show me something, make it good ♪

♪ I've got a one-way trip, boy, starting with you ♪

♪ So let's go

♪ Come on, we'll do what you say ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ Come on, we're totally made ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ Come on, we're totally made ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ Yeah, anyway

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it!