All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e05_English

Man: Come back out.

I think you have some of these
white ladies still laying there.

[ Laughter ]

At that point in time,
the Southerner in me --

I'm a born-and-raised
Southerner,

and I still say, "Yes, sir.
No, sir."

I still say this.
You know what I'm saying?

I still don't know what
the fuck unsweet tea is.

That's how Southern --
That is how Southern

I am, right?
-Yeah!

My favorite people
are from the South.

My favorite person in the world
is from the South,

my grandfather.
You ever meet those people

that, like, should be dead
just based on

how they live they life?
Here's what I mean.

My granddad is
94 years old, right?

He's been drinking moonshine
since he was like 7 years old.

Yeah. He's been chewing tobacco
his whole life.

I recently found out
my 94-year-old granddad

has a bullet in his left knee
from a duel.

[ Laughter ]

A duel!
You know what a duel --

If you don't know what a duel
is, a duel is when two people...

Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Wow!

So proud of you.
Thanks!

Thanks,
Barbara and James.

We love you, girl.

I am Mia Jackson,
and I'm a comic.

Ha. Uh-oh.

I was working as
an administrative assistant,

but pursuing a corporate path
just never really spoke to me.

But then at the same time,
I also loved comedy.

I remember being 10 or 11,
like, watching comics,

watching Def Jam,
watching all those shows.

Secretly, I would go,
"This is -- I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna be a stand-up comic."

Like, that's --
that's what I thought,

but I didn't know
how to ever do that.

It's gonna be fun.

Thanks, y'all.
Okay.

Okay.
Yeah!

My parents --
They were supportive,

but I've had family members
straight up just be like,

"I mean, but you went to
college, and you got a degree.

So, why would you --
Why would you pursue this?"

It was enough to make me go,
"Okay, I'm gonna do it."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Woman: This next comic is
another Atlanta favorite.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

This comic is
an Atlanta favorite.

We love her so much.

She's doing big things
out there.

Let's hear it right now
for Ms. Mia Jackson!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Aah!

Oh, okay, so, listen --

I know that there are
married people in here,

and I know that there's
single people in here,

but I realize that, like,

people don't really
talk about this group,

and I just want to know where
are the people who are dating

but the shit
is not going anywhere?

Like, where are y'all at?

'Cause there we go.
Who y'all?

You know, like, we just
reached the impasse.

This shit is it.

Like, who was like,
"Tonight was the night

we was gonna work this shit out,
but this is not the time.

We'll talk about it later."

But I almost got married
at one point.

I did.
And I do --

Okay, I was engaged,
and I will say this.

Like, I miss that time
in my life

'cause people were nice to me.

And I went to
the University of Georgia,

so I know a lot of white
people, which is fine.

No, I don't want you
to feel triggered

because I said "white."

'Cause sometimes when I say
"white," people be like,

"Ooh, how the fuck
you gonna say 'white?'"

And I'm like,
"Like that. White."

So, just a description.

It's not --
It's not a judgment on you.

But one of my friends, when she
found out, she was so happy,

and she was just like,
"Oh, my God."

She was like, "Where are
you getting married?"

And I was like, "You know,
probably right here in Atlanta."

And she's like, "No, I know

a beautiful place
in South Georgia.

And it is the most awesome,
beautiful plantation."

No. No.

Nope.
You're a bad white friend, okay?

Why would you make
that suggestion?

But then she tries to sell me on
the benefits, and she was like,

"Well, during the cocktail hour,
your guests can roam free."

Bitch.

I'm -- I'm free now.

Like, right now.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, I don't know how long,
but for now.

And then she goes,
"But here's the best part, girl.

They don't even throw rice.

They throw cotton. What?"

No! No. No. No.

I was like, "You just offered me
the slave package, all right?"

[ Laughter ]

Like, "I don't want this
in my life."

But then I got out
of the relationship,

and I had to try
to flirt with people.

And I'm not a good flirter.

Like, I don't have
the voice for it.

I got this twang.

You know, so, I just --

I just don't have
a sultry voice.

And I also have
real bad allergies.

And so --

Right, you can't flirt
with dudes.

You can't be walking around,
being like,

"Hey, how you doing?"
[ Snorts, clears throat ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Coughing ]

"Um, what is your name?
What did you say? Okay."

Like, nobody --
nobody wants that, all right?

This is what I learned.

It don't matter
how big your titties are

if your nose
is running, okay?

Like, nobody -- nobody cares.

They don't.

They don't care.

They don't.

And I never know when people
are trying to flirt with me.

Can never tell.
I can never tell.

So, one day, I'm at the gym,
right? I'm on the treadmill.

I got it turned all the way
up to zero.

I do that for the resistance.

So, I'm just kind of, like,
trying to build up my butt.

But I-I tripped, and I
fell off the machine, okay?

So, I got up real fast,
and I ran to another section

to make it seem like
I was circuit training.

So, just kind of started,
you know,

running around the room,
just picking up random shit,

you know?

So, I just picked up
some weights.

And I just started doing
like this,

and I'm just, like,
doing this real fast

'cause I'm embarrassed.

Like, hopefully nobody --
nobody saw me.

But then this guy starts
looking at me,

and I'm like,
"Oh, shit.

I got to start body
rolling to entice him."

So, I'm kind of like...

[ Snorts, clears throat ]

And he started pointing,
and I was like --

I was like, "Oh, are you --
are you looking at my legs?"

And he was like, "Yeah,
'cause it's -- it's bleeding.

I just saw you bust your ass
across the room,

so, like, you need
to clean that shit up.

It's unsanitary. So..."

Hmm!

Ahh! I was too scared
to work out at first

in front of people,
so I just did it at home.

I did the original P90X.

Is anybody familiar with that?

It's an intense workout program

that's designed to kill
your ass at home.

So, I don't know if --
Do you know -- Okay.

So, I did the original P90X.

And on day number two, there is
a man with a prosthetic limb.

Oh. Right.

And -- And it's -- it's --
Right. Thanks!

So, it's real.
It is real.

It is very real.

It's inspirational
as shit, okay? It is.

It's so inspirational,
but, like,

I could not make it
through the program, okay?

Like, I got both my legs,
and I couldn't do it, okay?

But this dude is fucking
killing it.

He's killing it.
But I'm on the floor, okay?

I got my inhaler.

I'm looking at pictures
of my grandma, like,

"I'll see you soon,
Mee-maw," okay?

[ Laughter ]

But I'mma tell you this.

When you have passed out
on the floor

and you have lost oxygen,

it's amazing how clear life
becomes to you

because that's when I realized
that fake legs don't get tired.

So, that's how I got
my confidence back.

So, I was like,
"In your face, P90X."

[ Laughter ]

I was born and raised
in Columbus, Georgia.

My parents are still there.

My sister's still there.

The bulk of my family --

Like, pretty much
everybody's in Georgia.

I graduated from
the University of Georgia,

and I thought
I was gonna be a dentist

or an architect
or a psychologist.

It felt like, "Oh, well,
this is the thing

that you're supposed to be."

But I always knew I kind of
wanted to do something creative.

I wanted to try stand-up,
and one of my co-workers --

I'm telling her, like,
"I'm gonna do comedy.

I'm gonna go," and she's like,
"You should go!

Go to the open mic!"

The first time
I ever got onstage,

it was in Athens, Georgia,
and it's still a blur.

Like, I remember talking.
I remember people laughing.

I remember thinking,
"I can't not do this.

I have to do this."

Early in comedy,
I was on the road a lot.

I've performed at comedy clubs.

I've performed at biker bars.
I've performed at colleges.

I've done any and everything
you can --

you can think of.

Being a woman comic,
there's always that extra thing

of having to --
to prove myself.

People are like,
"You're a womandoing comedy."

People would assume stuff like,

"Oh, she must be the girlfriend
of some guy that's here.

She's coming to support.

Isn't she a good girlfriend?"
You know?

I'll have people coming to me
after the shows and go,

"I wasn't gonna come because
I saw your face on the website,

but you were actually funny."

Sometimes with guy comics,

they almost think
you're their assistant

because you're a woman.

Women comics get ignored
quite a bit

'cause no one ever sees us,
you know?

And on the inside,
I'm kind of like,

"Well, why am I here?"

So, it's -- it's tough to fight
through sometimes.

Oh, man, listen.

I'm so happy
'cause this is my job.

Like, this is what I do.

This is what I do, okay?

[ Cheers and applause ]This is --

It's exciting.

And I get to travel so much.

Like, I've been to some
cool places.

Like, in the past year,
I've been to Jamaica.

I went to Belize.

I went to West Virginia.

[ Laughter ]

It is a hate crime
waiting to happen.

I don't know if anybody's been.

But, no, actually, I just spent
seven days in Alabama.

[ Cheers and applause ]Thank you. Thank you!

No, seven days in Alabama,
and I was really inspired.

I wrote a screenplay
based on my experiences,

and it's called
"One Week a Slave."

So...[ Laughter ]

This is the real reason
I did not like being there.

I got pulled over twice
in three days.

Twice. And people do not think
that profiling is real.

I'm here to tell you the shit
is real, okay?

So, like, the first time
I got pulled over,

it was because
I hit somebody.

So, you know, I was like, "Ha!"

I was like, "I get it!"

I was like, "Okay.

Makes sense."

I was like, "This dude is
just doing his job."

You know what I'm saying?

Like, 'cause apparently,
in Alabama,

pedestrian lives matter.

[ Laughter ]

Not to me, 'cause I hit people.

But the second time,
it was for a bullshit reason.

Like, I was in this neighborhood

that had cars
and houses and yards,

so I looked suspicious.

And full disclosure --

I drive a Toyota Camry, okay?

And I've had nothing but
problems since I got the car.

It's -- It's nothing mechanical.

It's just that cops
don't think that it's mine.

So, like, and I've been
pulled over enough.

Like, I know how
it's supposed to go.

Like, they're supposed to ask
for your license

and registration
before they shoot, but...

[ Laughter ]

What? Did I lie?
Did I? Okay. All right.

So, but this is what
this dude said.

He was like, "Is this your car?

Is this yourcar?"

And I was like,
"Who the fuck would lie

about owning a Camry, okay?"

I was like,
"Anybody can have one

if you try hard enough,
all right?"

Like, "This is the participation
trophy of cars, okay?"

Like, they give these bitches
to everybody.

You get this or a Honda Accord.
It's one of the two.

Like, let me have my moment.

What?
And I got offended.

And so I was just like,
"Wow, like,

this dude don't think
I can have anything."

So, I kind of stepped outside
of myself, and I was just like,

"Hey, listen, uh, bitch,
first of all,"

I said,
"if I am guilty of anything,

and that's anything at all,

it's just being
a black woman in America

who wanted great
miles per gallon on the highway.

So, that's why I got this car.

So, you can kiss my ass."

Okay, I didn't --
I didn't say that at all

'cause there was nobody around

with a cellphone
to record, so...

You just got to pick and choose
your battles, all right?

Now, I do love my car
because a few years ago,

I got into a car accident,
and my car got totaled.

But it was fine
because at the time,

I ended up getting this
brand-new addiction to Vicodin.

[ Laughter ]And, um...

I -- Listen,
I didn't even drive anymore.

I fucking floated, all right?

Like, I just -- Hmm.

I was like, "This feels good.

This feels --
This feels right.

Yeah.
I feel great.

Mm. Mm."

Like, I kept trying to get hit

to keep my prescription
going, so...

I was just --
You know what I'm saying.

But this is what
I ended up buying.

I actually bought at the time --

I bought
a 2008 Saturn Mistake.

[ Laughter ]And, um...

Are -- Is any --
Oh, you must be familiar.

Okay.
All right.

See, there was a time
where Saturns used to be cool.

Like, they would meet in
the mountains of Tennessee.

They would talk about the shit.
You know, it would be exciting.

But then GM took over
production,

and, like, they kind of
went down a little bit.

But I will say this
about my car.

It was beautiful.

It had a sunroof.

It had leather interior and this
light that would stay on

to let me know
the engine was there.

So, very fancy.

Like, really, really fancy.

Right, yeah.

Like, I would get in the car
sometimes.

I would be like, "Who the fuck
took my engine?

Like, where...?

Where is it?
Like, who...took it?"

But...

Car kept breaking down.

Like, it kept breaking down
on the highway,

and I was like,
"Oh, shit. This is a defect.

This is not a feature.
Okay."

And I took it back
to the dealership,

and I was like, "Hey, you know,
the car keeps shutting down."

And they were like, "Oh, well,
that happens in newer cars.

Like, if you don't turn
the gas cap

tight enough, that'll happen."
They were like,

"Did you click it once
or did you click it twice?"

And I was like, "I don't know,
Glinda the Good Witch.

If I click it three times
and say,

'There's no place like home,'
will this bitch start working?

'Cause you're a horrible
fucking mechanic,

and that's horrible advice."

[ Laughter ]

One of the things that happened
that kind of,

I guess, turned the tide
for me a little bit

is that I ended up
working with Amy Schumer.

She is the biggest mentor
that I have in comedy.

I actually met her
at the Punchline.

Like, I was hosting for her,

and we, you know, met,
we worked that whole weekend,

and I remember her
saying to me -- she was like,

"You really are a comic."

It's a really
different experience

when you work
with other women comics

just because we understand
the challenges

that other people just --

well, other people -- men --
don't understand.

She's been really helpful
as far as, like, you know,

introducing me to people

and just, like,
looking over my set

and if I'm about to do anything
or, like, if I'm gonna be

on a show or just anything --
I'm gonna be in a festival.

I'm like, "Hey, question.
What do you think about this?"

Like, "What do you think
about that?"

And there was so many things

where I would
tell stories privately.

She was like, "Why don't you
talk about thatonstage?"

I'm like, "Huh.
You think that story is funny?"

And then I would go, "You know
what? I'mma try it anyway."

I realized the more I started
to talk about things

that I feel
really passionate about

or things that really,
really happened,

the better my comedy got.

It was something
about that switch.

My confidence changed.

Then I was just like,
"I can do whatever I want.

I feel really empowered."

It's been really cool.

[ Laughter ]

One of my favorite things to
do -- I love going to Target.

I went to Target recently,
and when I got to the register,

the girl was like,
"Hey, you're a woman."

And I was like, "Bitch,
you're observant."

[ Laughter ]

And she was like, "Well,
can I ask you a question?"

So, I'm thinking she's gonna
ask me, like,

"Hey, where did you get
your hair attached?" but no.

No.

This grown woman,
dead-ass serious, was like,

"How do you know
when you're ovulating?"

[ Audience members shouting
"What?!" ]

And I was like, "Ma'am,
we are in Target.

You can have that kind of
conversation at Walmart, okay?

Like, we don't --
We don't talk like that here.

This is Tar-jay, bitch, okay?

Tar-jay is classy. Okay?"

But I actually
did not know the answer.

So, I feel bad.
I feel bad.

Like, I feel like as a woman,
I should have been able

to tell her something,
so I just looked at her,

and I was just like,
"Girl, you can feel

the eggs when they drop."

Um...hmm.

[ Laughter ]

And if I make that face,
I don't know

what the fuck
I'm talking about, all right?

But she looked at me
with confidence,

so I dug deep, and I was like,
"Are you familiar with

'The Price is Right'
game Plinko?

'Cause, um, the eggs are going,
'Clank, clank, clank, clank.'

And if you hit zero,
you're pregnant."

[ Laughter ]

And she looked at me,
and she said, "Thank you."

And I was like, "Holy shit."

You know what I'm saying?

She needs me to guide her.

I don't know where you are
financially in life,

but I'm gonna assume things
are going well.

I'm a comedian,
so things don't --

They're not always great.
That's why I try to, like,

think of things
I can do to make money.

So, recently -- Okay, let me
tell you this first. Okay.

So, I feel like a very
morally grounded person, okay?

I do not do illegal substances,
and I don't judge people who do,

but I don't do them.

But I do like sweets.

And recently, somebody
offered me a weed brownie.

And I was like, "Decisions,
decisions," you know?

Like, "Do I say no to drugs
or yes to dessert?" so, uh...

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I, uh...

ate the whole fucking thing.

Got paranoid as shit, okay?

And I started going, "Oh, shit.

They are starting
to make weed legal.

What if they start
making brownies illegal?"

Like, "Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

I got to open up
a back-alley bakery, okay?

I got to start selling dime bags
of brownie mix."

But in my paranoia --

this is where the moneymaker
started coming in --

I'm like, "Do they make
edibles for other drugs?

'Cause I never heard
anybody be like,

'You know what,
I want methsicles.'

Like, I don't know."

You know what I'm saying?
Like, right?

There might be some dude
outside right now being like,

"I already don't have teeth.

These are so easy to eat."

[ Laughter ]

"This shit is cool on my gums."

Listen, there is money
to be made.

Okay?

Okay, hear me out here.

Let's say you are a person
who likes heroin,

but you also
like cookies.

Smackaroons. What?

Huh? Huh?

Hmm?

Yeah.

That's right.

Or -- Or you like candy,
and you like ecstasy.

Mike & Ike & Molly.

What? Huh?

Huh?

Or Molly Ranchers.
This is our business.

We do what the fuck we want,
all right?

Yeah.

I also was a store cop
at one point.

I don't know if you know
what a --

Do you know what a store...?
Okay.

So, store cops are supposed to,
you know,

stop people from stealing,

but it is so hard to give a fuck
about shit

that don't belong to you.

So...

So hard.
Like, I --

So, so hard.

And the people that worked
there were intense.

Like, they treated us like --
like we were in the FBI.

They were like, "Listen,

when you go out there
in the field..."

And I was like, "Bitch,
this Macy's, okay?

Like, you -- you need
to calm yourself down, okay?

You need to...

calm down."

But they trained us to actually
stop people that carried guns.

But they didn't
give us shit, okay?

Like, I had --
I had a plastic badge, okay?

And one day, this guy
was stealing,

and they were just like,
"You got to go out there.

You got to stop him."

I was like, "No."

[ Laughter ]

I'm not -- not gonna do that.

But I-I did.
I went.

And so, I got --
had to confront the dude,

and I was just like,
"Uh, [clears throat] hey, sir."

I was like, "How do you plan
on paying for that shirt?"

And he was like,
"You know, with this gun."

And I was like, "Ohhh, let me
introduce you to our fall line.

[ Laughter ]

Well, that's it for me, guys.
I'm Mia Jackson.

Thanks so much!

[ Cheers and applause ]Thank you!

Thank you, guys!

♪♪

Woman:
Keep it going for Mia Jackson!

Comedy wasn't supposed
to be my job.

All right!
All right!

Whoo-hoo!
I feel like -- Yeah, I feel --

That's the path that I decided
I wanted to take.

I feel --
Yeah, I feel good.

Like, I thought --I felt it feel good.

Okay, yeah,
'cause after a while,

I was like,
"I think I'm just --

I think Stella got
her groove back."

There we go!
Yeah!

I could never
stop doing comedy.

But also,
I have to keep doing it

because there's a girl
somewhere that's like,

"How do I start?"
or, "Who do I look up to?"

And I'm like, it would be cool
for somebody to go,

"Oh, well,
she was able to do it,

so I should be
able to do it, too."

You know, so, that's the kind
of thing for the little girls.

All of them.
[ Laughs ]

Thank you.

You were great.Oh, come on, man.

I want people to know
that this is my thing.

I love it.
I want people to know I'm funny.

That's what I am.
That's who I am.

I'm a comic.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!