All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e04_Engh

[ Laughter ]

Man:
Let's get right into it.

Let me tell you
a little bit about myself.

I hate my body.
Let's get right into this here.

Is this a safe place?

We can be honest, right?
We can be honest here?

All right.
I've got too much booty.

Listen, I don't have the booty
of a 31-year-old black man.

I've realized that.
I don't.

I've got, like, the booty

of a white girl
who went to a black high school.

You understand what I'm saying?

Like, her best friend
is named Tasha.

You understand what I'm saying?

Oh, how you doing, man?

Chilling, brother,
chilling, yeah.

Yeah, man.
It's so late.

I was like, "I'm just gonna
do the dirty stuff."

I was like,
"I don't give a fuck."

This is like if you've ever
accidentally left

chocolate in the sun.

"We're going dirty," and a crowd
that I was like...

I was like, "They're gonna
hate on me. I don't give a shit.

We're doing dirty
right now."

This is not a Speedo body,

that's all I'm trying
to tell you.

This is a Taco Bell body.

You understand what I'm saying?
Chalupas, Baja Blast.

Let's get into it.
You know what I'm talking about.

My name is Rocky Dale Davis,
and I am a comedian.

I'm a redneck. I'm a redneck.
I'm not afraid to admit it.

Like, I mean, I've been
to a steakhouse before

and, like, you know,
picked my teeth with a knife.

Like, I get in fights in bars.
I can drink.

Like, that's, like, I, like,
pride myself on,

like, that's how I grew up,
and that's how I am.

I love it when I'll do a show
where no one knows me.

When I walk on stage,
they're like,

"Finally, good country boy.

We're gonna hear
about trailers, beer.

We love Trump," you know,
and then I kind of, like,

throw them off
a little bit with that.

[ Laughter ]

After a show,
people will be like,

"We didn't expect
that at all."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Larrabee: Last comic
of the night, you excited?

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's gonna get raw.
It's gonna get raunchy.

It's gonna get real.
Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right.

This guy is hilarious, love him,
love working with him.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's
hear it for Rocky Dale Davis.

Davis: Yay!

Yes, yes.

My name is Rocky.
I'm from Alabama, so...

[ Laughter ]

You're laughing.
Thank you.

Y'all like, "Oh, my God,
he's racist."

I'm not racist.

I just look and sound racist,
so...

I look and sound like
every racist football player

off "Remember the Titans,"
you know?

I didn't block for Pete.

I'm the reason Pete's hurt,
so...

My girlfriend is Spanish,
you know?

She's Español,
trying to teach me Spanish,

but what I'm learning is that I
sound racist in every language.

Donde estas el banco?

Escuchar me mujer.

I'm white trash, too, man.
I'm, like, really.

Like, my family
is, like, white trash.

Like, I mean, like, really.

Like, you ever watch,
like, "Cops"

or "Honey Boo Boo,"
and you're like,

"That can't be real"?

It can.
It can, so...

My family, they're dumb, too.

Like, I used to live
in New York, and they'd be like,

"Oh, living up
in New York City now,

getting all Hollywood on us."

I just love there's a bunch
of blank faces right now

that are like, "I get it."

They always say
I act better than them.

They're always like,
"Oh, you think you're better

than us now
because you live in New York,"

and that really
pisses me off

because I've always
been better than them.

I just don't live there no more,
you know?

I set two records in my family.

I was the first person to go
to college

and the first person
to drop out.

Two for two, so...

Thank you.

Some y'all aren't clapping

because you went
to universities.

You can go fuck yourself, um...

Think you're better than me.

My family is white trash.

Like, my dad is, like,
one of the worst.

Like, I ain't talked to my dad
in a while

because when I was a kid,
my dad got in a fistfight

with my aunt in the front yard,
you know?

They got in a fight,
and that was the day

I lost all respect
I had for my dad, you know,

because, one, I was raised,
you never hit a woman

no matter what, you know?

And then the second reason
was, is, he lost that fight.

My aunt beat the shit
out of him that day.

Like, "You got to become
the man of the house."

I'm like, "You got to become
the man of the house, dude.

I don't know what
you're talking about."

[ Laughter ]

I was born in Brookwood,
Alabama.

It's, like, a small redneck,
like, out-in-the-woods town.

I grew up with my mom
and my two sisters.

My dad was a coal miner
growing up, so I didn't see him.

He was gone, like, 12 hours
of the day most the time.

My dad was, like,
super homophobic.

He's super racist
and everything.

I mean, it was just...
That's just how it was.

My dad was always, like,
very, like, violent,

and he has, like,
very bad anger issues.

Dishes were being thrown.

He, like, ran my mom
off the road one time.

He's a piece of shit.

He made our life exponentially
harder when he didn't have to.

That's such, like,
a sad time for my mom.

She cried a lot.

That's the big thing is, like,
I didn't understand

why she was crying,
and then, one day, she goes,

"Hey, I really want
to leave your dad."

When I was 10, we just left.

Like, we just had to leave,
and that was when I learned

kind of how,
like, you know, hard she worked

because we literally, like,
would move around

from, like, place to place.

I didn't know I was poor.

Like, we're still eating
McDonald's every day.

Like, this is the best life.

I never knew how bad it was
until now.

I look back, and I'm like,
"Holy shit,

you're like
Wonder Woman," you know?

My dad was just, like,
the worst person growing up.

I don't want to be anything
like him,

so, like,
growing up with my dad,

I just learned
to treat people differently,

and I feel like it just...

It makes me see things
differently,

and it shaped my life, you know?

[ Laughter,
cheers and applause ]

My grandpa is funny
when you talk to him

because you can ask him,
like, any question,

you know,
in the entire world,

and he'll make it, like,
a racist or sexist statement.

You know, you'll be like,
"Grandpa, why is

global warming happening?"

He's like, "I'll tell you why.
Because these gays are shooting

their rainbows
up in the atmosphere."

Yeah.

"And the Mexican
with the tortilla chips,

Hillary Clinton
with the menstrual cycle,

that's why the dinosaurs died,

and that's why the white man
can't get a job."

I'm like, "That don't sound
accurate at all, Grandpa."

That is the worst part,
is being so dumb

I can't prove he's wrong.

Like, I don't know the science
behind global warming,

so I'm like, "Hey, man,
you're being racist."

He's like, "Well, how's
it happen then, Hollywood?"

I'm like, "Well,
I'll tell you how.

You got the car emissions
and the cow farts, hairspray.

C2H2O goes up,
hits the top of the osmosis,

precipitation, validation,
condensation, Bill Nye.

That's how it happens
right there."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I don't mind it, though.
My grandpa is funny.

It's funny because
I'm from the South,

so everyone assumes
I'm my grandpa all the time.

They ask me about politics,
which is, like, a funny thing.

Everybody is like,
"What do you think of Trump?"

I'm like, "I don't know.
Seems like an idiot,

seems kind of racist,
I don't know,"

but then I can tell they haven't
been to the South, like,

my friends, like, New York and
L.A. because they'll be like,

"Donald Trump is the most
racist person I know."

I'm like, "You need to meet
more racist people then."

I'm not saying he's not,
but he ain't in the top 50

on my mom's side of the family.

Like, if I had an all-star team,

fifth-round draft pick
at best, so...

I love the topic of Donald Trump

because, like, my friends,
like, who, like, are liberal...

because, like,
all my family is conservatives.

All my friends are very liberal
people, and it cracks me up

because they'll be like,
"Who'd you vote for?"

I'm like, "I didn't vote.
I don't know how to," so...

I can't get my phone, when I'm
trying to cuss someone out,

to not correct "fucking"
into "ducking,"

and you want me to vote
for the next prime minister?

Okay.

So some of y'all missed
that one, too,

and y'all shouldn't be allowed
to vote either.

My grandpa is a cool racist,
though, man.

He really is.

He's very cool because
he's not just racist.

Like, hear me out.

He's, like, racist, sexist,
homophobic, prejudiced.

He don't like me that much.

Like, he hates everyone equally,

and that's kind of true progress
right there, you know?

I'm not, like, legally allowed
to date black women

until my grandpa dies,
so...

just waiting on that, really.

A lot of the white people
are laughing

because you have
the same grandpa, so...

[ Laughter ]

You get hit on a lot.

Y'all are too aggressive,
though.

Yeah, thank you.

Fucking proof right there, huh?

We're taping something,
and she's like,

"Fuck yeah.

Preach, preach,"
you know what I'm saying?

Like, I was at a bar one time.
This woman is like,

"Mm, I'm gonna fuck
the shit out of you."

I'm like, "Well, let's not
do that, so...

I live with my mom,

so I'm pretty sure
that she would hear that.

She gets mad about
'Call of Duty' being loud."

The best thing a woman
said to me...

This is not a joke.
It's true.

She goes, "Mm, I'm gonna suck
the white off that thing."

I'm like, "What do you think
is underneath?

It's just more white,
and if you get to the red,

you've gone way too far,
so..."

Oh, man.

She tried, though.

I miss her.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good woman right there.

I got accused of sleeping
with my teacher in high school.

I got accused of sleeping
with my 10th-grade math teacher.

I'm very proud of that.

Like, I was on the front page
of my local paper smiling,

like,
there's my teacher's mug shot,

and then I was like,
"What's up? Did I do it?

Did I not? Who knows?"

It was, like, a whole...

It got stupid.
They kept asking.

Like, that whole interrogation,
they were like,

"Rocky, did you sleep
with Miss Patrick?

What happened with you
and Miss Patrick?"

And I just would be like,
"Hey, guys,

if I would have slept
with Miss Patrick,

I would have already told each
and every one of you.

First off,
she's out of my league.

I'm a soft 6, you know?
She's a hard 7.

Plus she knows math.
That's, like, a 9.5.

Like, I read the morning news.
I would have told y'all then,

just AM on the intercom, just,
'What's up, guys?

Welcome to Brookwood
High School.

Today for lunch we're having
hot wings or French fries.

I fucked Miss Patrick.
Have a blessed day.'"

I grew up in the Facebook era.
I would have went on Facebook,

tagged myself inside of her,
you know, and then captioned it,

"Getting extra credit.

nochildleftbehind," you know?

[ Laughter ]

I started working at 14
basically.

I would start baling hay,
and I would get paid, like,

$25 a day to work my ass off.

I used to be a very, like,
aggressive guy,

would get in fights a lot.

I didn't have a way to, like,
you know,

put my feelings out there,

and I was just trying to figure
out what I'm doing with my life.

So I go, do an open mic
in Birmingham, Alabama,

and I went on stage at 2:00
in the morning in flip-flops,

which, by the way,
is the holy grail

of "Do not do in stand-up,"

and I was like, "I'm gonna
do this for the rest of my life.

This is amazing.
This makes perfect sense."

I was always the class clown.

I was always somebody
that was funny.

I was, like, the mascot
in high school.

I was actually so good,
they named the mascot after me.

It's Rocky the Panther
at Brookwood High School,

and now it's just, like,
tied all in together.

People in the South, like,
assume I'm gonna be, like,

a Bill Engvall
or Jeff Foxworthy.

I get that a lot, like,
a Ron White

or something, and they...
That's kind of what they want,

and that's why
I've kind of learned

to try to bridge politics
into life stories.

Liberal people, they think
that I'm a conservative.

They think I'm racist.

They don't even listen
sometimes.

I have to spend the first
20 minutes, like,

"Hey, hey, I'm not against you,
but just give me a second.

I promise you. We're all going
to come together at the end."

[ Laughter ]

I like America, though.

I mean, it's cool here,
you know?

I want to be President.

I want to sell North Dakota.

I just want to sell
the whole thing.

It was negative 22 when I...

That's a real temperature,
negative 22.

It's 85 on the highway,
fastest speed limit in America.

Do you know why?

Because you want to get the fuck
out of North Dakota, that's why.

It cracks me up when I have
to travel doing comedy

because people always,
like, talk about it.

I meet people after the show,
like, you guys are all,

like, probably cool,
like, you know?

Y'all seem like cool people,
but, like, one time,

I took a picture
with a girl after a show,

and this is why
I don't do crazy stuff

because when I took a picture
with this girl

and gave her a kiss
on the cheek, and she goes,

"Oh, my God.
This picture is perfect.

My ex-boyfriend
is in jail right now.

He's gonna be so mad
when he sees this."

I'm like, "Delete that photo
right now,"

and she's like, "Why?
What's the problem?"

I'm like, "He's gonna find me
and murder me.

That's the problem."

She's like, "He won't be able
to find you."

I'm like, "Sweetheart,
I'm a comedian.

My tour dates are posted online
by me every single day,

time, location, discount code.

He could stab me in the face
for half price

if he brings a friend,"
like, what?

[ Laughter ]

I live in Las Vegas now.

That's an odd place, man.

People are dumb.
Like, I don't know if y'all...

I'm just telling y'all this
right now, like,

my friends on Facebook,
I'm like,

"I don't know how y'all
make it day to day."

Like, one of my friends
on Facebook had a baby,

and she was bragging about
how much weight

she lost 2 days
after the pregnancy.

She's like, "Oh, my God,
new juice cleanse,

already lost 10 pounds
since I had the baby,"

and I'm like,
"The baby weighed 9,

so if we count the placenta,
you gained a pound,

honestly,
not impressive at all."

I have a friend who's
a porn star, you know,

does the pornos out in L.A.,
you know, but I still know her

as Stephanie from Sonic
in my hometown,

and she posted on her
personal Facebook account,

"Had a great day at work.

blessed giveittogod,"
and I'm like,

"God don't want anything
you have right now, Stephanie.

I think you missed
a couple chapters of this book,

if we're being honest."

I gave up on people when
the trending story on Twitter

was a lady got killed and eaten
by a pack of wiener dogs.

Did y'all see this?

A lady got killed.

My first thing was like,

"How many wiener dogs was it,"
you know?

I was like, "1.5 million,
obviously."

I was off by a little.

It was actually eight,
which I can say

is not enough
wiener dogs to kill someone.

By the way, why are eight
wiener dogs hanging out?

When did that start happening,

like the Sons of Anarchy
of wiener dogs.

Like, some of y'all are scared
to laugh.

You're like, "Rocky,
what if I leave here tonight,

and there's eight wiener
dogs by my car?

They're mixed with Chihuahua.

They're vicious, okay?"
It could happen.

I'm about to save
your life, though.

Like, man, if you gonna be out
there with those shoes,

you ain't gonna be able
to run fast enough, okay?

They're gonna get you,
but I'm about to...

Here's what you got
to do to live

and get through it another day.

You got to find,
identify the threat.

You see them, okay,
little wiener dogs,

and then you walk over,

and you sit down
on something like this

and raise your feet
about a foot off the ground.

How bad did she want to live?

You can't find a fucking tree
stump to sit on?

Here's the difference
right here --

life, death, life, death.

[ Laughter ]

If that's how I die,
you better lie about it.

You better lie.

It's hard to eat now.

It's so hard to eat places,

so hard to go places,
eat just good food.

Everywhere you go there's, like,
a gluten-free menu.

Everything is fat-free.

I'm like, "No, bro,
I'm from Alabama.

We eat until we die, good game.
That's how we do it, you know?"

I'm not trying to live long.

I'm trying to enjoy my life,
you know?

My girlfriend, she's, like,
a vegan, you know?

Every thing I eat,
she gets mad at me.

I'll be eating, like, a hot dog,
and she's like,

"Oh, you shouldn't eat that.
I read an article

that says one hot dog
takes 7 months

off your life span.
Did you know that?"

I'm like, "I didn't know that
because that's not true.

I've already eaten a thousand
hot dogs in my life."

"So I should be dead,
or I'm Superman.

That's what you're
telling me right now."

Ground beef,
she hates ground beef.

Like, I'll be eating, like,
a taco with my Taco Bell,

and she's like...[ Gagging ]

"I don't even know
how you put that in your mouth."

I'm like, "Well, you've licked
my ass before, so...

you've had some
whether you like it or not,

if we're being honest."

At least this was cooked first,
you know?

Enjoy y'all's food.

[ Laughter ]

2% milk,
she likes 2% milk.

Sometimes
she'll get the whole milk,

and then she'll pour that out

and then put the 2%
in the whole milk jug

because I'm not gonna notice
fucking water in my cereal.

Like, does anybody know
how 2% milk is made?

Like, I lived on a farm
most of my life.

Not one of our cows was
a 2%-milk cow, not one.

How is it made, like, seriously?

Is it like a cow that comes
into work on Monday,

you know, had a long weekend,
and he's like,

"Hey, guys, sorry,
not feeling 100% today"?

Some cow in the back is like,
"Well, how do you feel?"

He's like, "I don't know,
like, 2%."

Put them in line.

Let's go.

I like drinking.
I like edibles, too.

A couple years ago,
I got drunk and ate an edible

and went to a petting zoo,

and that was the best day
of my life.

I'm eight Bud Lights in,
high as hell,

holding a koala bear.
It's talking to me.

It's like, "Hey, man,
get me out of here."

I'm like, "I promise I will.

You're a big squirrel.
I love it."

As I'm starting to leave,
the zookeeper goes,

"Hey, Mr. Davis, heard you're
a huge fan of penguins.

We decided to bring out
Robbie the penguin,"

and I started losing my shit

because I didn't know penguins
were real, okay?

And this little penguin
comes wobbling out.

I'm like, "Dude,
can I touch it?"

And he goes, "Actually,
if you sit down,

Robbie will come run
and jump into your lap."

I'm like, "No,
the hell he won't."

So I criss-cross applesauced
down, and he sees me sit down,

lights up with joy,
locks eyes with me,

runs over there,
jumps into my lap

and then starts humping my leg,

and I'm like, "Well,
this ain't how it happened

on 'Happy Feet,'
so this is Discovery after Dark.

I don't know what this is."
I look at the guy.

I'm like, "Hey, man,
what's going on?"

He's like, "Oh, no, it's fine.

It seems Robbie
really likes you."

I'm like, "I assumed
he liked me, yeah.

I didn't think I was getting
hate-fucked

by a penguin right now."

But then he goes, "You know,
you're wearing shorts, man.

You were kind of asking for it."

"Oh, this is my fault now?

I didn't mean to dress
too slutty at the zoo.

I apologize," and I'm like,

"Hey, man,
are all penguins like this?

They're just banging everything
in Antarctica, you know?"

And the guy is like, "No, he's
probably just a little antsy.

He's been in lock-up
for two weeks."

And I was like,
"Well, what is 'lock-up'?"

He said, "Well, Robbie got into
a fight with another penguin,

bit his eye out,

so we had to lock him in a cage
by himself for two weeks.

This is his first day out,"
and I'm like,

"Oh, this is the fucking thug
life for penguins right here.

He's a convicted felon.

Like, am I his parole officer
or something?

He's been in a cage two weeks,
probably, like,

5 years in a penguin's head,
just doing push-ups,

thinking
about his day out, just,

'When I get out of this cage,
I'm humping the first person

I see, and they better
not be wearing shorts,'"

like, what?

I will say, though, even though
I was technically being, like,

molested by a penguin,

they're, like, the cutest
animals you will ever see.

Like, if you close your eyes
and imagine how a penguin humps,

that's exactly
how a penguin humps.

I'm not kidding.
So they get their feet.

They turn them sideways
like this,

wrap around your legs and then,

just to generate power
in their hips,

and I'm not lying,
they wave their arms like this.

And that's how I do it
from here on out.

My girlfriend was like,
"You're doing so good."

I'm like, "Yeah, girl!"

[ Laughter ]

Guys, my name
is Rocky Dale Davis.

Thank y'all so much, man.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Y'all have a great night.
Thank y'all for coming out, man.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Larrabee: Let's hear it for
Rocky Dale Davis, everybody.

Davis:
I like being from the South.

I appreciate it.
I like who I am.

I'm not ashamed of anything
I've done.

You know, like,
I'm a different person.

I'm not my dad, you know?

I'm not the people
that came before me.

I have respect,
and I give respect.

That was funny, that,
"You hate me as a person."

Yeah, the whole thing
was real good.

It was really good.

Oh, "He was really good
before all that."

Right.

I grew up in a small town,
and we didn't have anything.

I embraced the discomfort
of life a lot.

I lived on couches.
I never had a nice car.

I took the bus.
I didn't eat.

I've had to earn every second,
every cent of this,

and my mom was
the hardest-working person

I've ever seen.

I get my work ethic
from her 100%.

Because of her, I want success
at the end of that road.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!