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00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:17,892
[ Laughter ]
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00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:20,670
Man: Oh, there's a bit of
applause. All right.
3
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,236
I was eating sushi
a few weeks ago
4
00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:23,943
with my little hipster friend
Dylan.
5
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:27,070
Apparently I break every
single rule of eating sushi
6
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:28,814
'cause every time I go to
take a bite, he's like,
7
00:00:28,854 --> 00:00:31,774
"Whoa. Don't mix the wasabi
and the soy sauce together.
8
00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:34,604
That's really disrespectful
to the chef."
9
00:00:34,643 --> 00:00:36,343
At a certain point, I was like,
10
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:39,824
"Dude, the chef is outside
right now smoking a cigarette
11
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:44,735
yelling into his cellphone
in Spanish.
12
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:48,093
I think we can eat this sushi
however the fuck we want."
13
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:51,305
-This is Frankie, by the way.
-Come on in, Frankie.
14
00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:52,915
My sushi came with
a side of fries
15
00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:56,135
and a toy, so...
16
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:57,876
I know that sounds
pretty problematic.
17
00:00:57,927 --> 00:01:00,497
I just feel like this guy
didn't have traditional in mind
18
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,798
when he decided to open up
a sushi restaurant
19
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:04,625
in Central Texas
20
00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:08,893
and only play
his Rihanna club-mix playlist
21
00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:13,328
during the Jell-O shot
happy hour.
22
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:16,247
Hi.
23
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:18,123
All right.
How are you doing?
24
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:20,855
I'm Daniel Webb,
and I am a supreme,
25
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:23,996
flaming-queer,
fifth-generation Texan,
26
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,520
and I'm a comic.
27
00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:27,003
I'm so glad you're here.
28
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,743
I'm so glad to be here.
-Are you ready?
29
00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:31,054
Webb: I struggle with, "Do I
have a, like, queer message
30
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,271
with my stand-up?"
31
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:34,399
Like, is there
a political intent
32
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:38,192
to what I talk about and why?
33
00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:40,538
I am trying to change
people's minds
34
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:43,358
in that I want them to know
that, like,
35
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,057
we're here, we're queer.
Get used to it.
36
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:48,195
You can't get rid of me
or shut us up
37
00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:50,548
which is part of the reason
I'm extra flamboyant onstage
38
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,368
because that's
8-year-old Daniel,
39
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,456
or that's Daniel
after two whiskeys,
40
00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:58,895
or that's the Daniel that
somebody told to tone it down.
41
00:01:58,944 --> 00:02:00,774
So I think
that's my one message,
42
00:02:00,816 --> 00:02:02,856
is that I just want to be
this middle finger
43
00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,165
in the middle of it all.
44
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,002
Emcee: Are you ready
for your next comedian?
45
00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:08,779
[ Cheers and applause ]
46
00:02:08,824 --> 00:02:16,354
♪♪
47
00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:23,967
♪♪
48
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:26,973
Please welcome the hilarious
Daniel Webb.
49
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:29,886
[ Cheers and applause ]
50
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:35,850
Hi. Oh, my God.
Thank you.
51
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:38,034
Oh, my God.
That's me.
52
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:39,720
Oh, my God.
53
00:02:39,768 --> 00:02:41,858
I'm so happy to be in Texas.
I can't believe it.
54
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:42,990
It's so nice to be back.
55
00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:44,772
Hi.
Hi, Jones.
56
00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:46,336
It's good to see you.
57
00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:47,953
In case we haven't seen
each other in a minute,
58
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,603
nothing's changed.
59
00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:51,257
My dog still hates me,
and I'm still in the closet.
60
00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:53,651
Let's go, people.
I, uh -- let's go.
61
00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:55,605
I'm a fifth-generation Texan.
62
00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:57,833
Thank you very much.
Thank you. I know.
63
00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:59,743
That just means I have
horse thieves in my family.
64
00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:01,748
That's it.
That's it.
65
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,570
But, like, y'all, I mean,
for true, though.
66
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:05,788
I grew up when George W. Bush
was governor of Texas, people.
67
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:08,137
I am a child left behind.
68
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,098
This is --
this is what it looks like.
69
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:11,796
This is it, you know?
70
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:13,503
I grew up in the '90s.
71
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:16,111
My fourth-grade teacher
gave all of us our own Bible.
72
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:20,202
That's illegal --
super illegal.
73
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,463
She was crazy.
74
00:03:21,505 --> 00:03:23,195
She was crazy.
75
00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:25,246
I had good teachers,
but, like, she's crazy.
76
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:26,952
Like, this woman on
the very first day of school --
77
00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:28,729
'cause, like, what,
in the fourth grade, you know,
78
00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,253
when you're, like, 9 and 10
years old, somewhere in there,
79
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:31,687
and on the very first
day of school,
80
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,173
we came into the classroom,
and she goes,
81
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,563
"Good morning, boys and girls.
82
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,295
I'm Miss Adams,
and I'm your new teacher,
83
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,306
and the first thing I want you
to learn from me
84
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:39,998
is a proper introduction."
85
00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:41,955
And then the bitch goes,
"I'll go first."
86
00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,094
She goes...
87
00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:44,485
[ Laughter ]
88
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:45,958
Okay.
89
00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,748
She goes,
"Good morning, boys and girls.
90
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:52,542
I'm Miss Anders, and I have
a BB bullet in my eye."
91
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:56,020
And, like, sure as shit,
she had this blue bullet,
92
00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:59,331
like, in her eye,
and she tells us the story.
93
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,019
Her brother shot her
in the face.
94
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,846
It happens.
It happens.
95
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:05,935
Hey, and -- right?
96
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:08,294
And the bullet, the BB bullet,
went in her eye,
97
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,685
and then it, like --
it posed no medical threat,
98
00:04:10,728 --> 00:04:14,298
so they just left it there
'cause it's Texas.
99
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:16,651
Yeah, that's why.
100
00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:18,431
"You're fine.
It's fine."
101
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:23,085
And then the bullet disappears
inside of her brain, right?
102
00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:26,702
And years later, it shows up
again on this side, right?
103
00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:29,054
Guys, y'all have to remember.
104
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,624
We're 9 years old, and we've
been in school for 5 minutes.
105
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:34,972
We're like,
"You're in charge?
106
00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:37,063
The fuck is going on?"
107
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:38,632
She was crazy.
108
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,449
She was so crazy.
I loved her.
109
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:43,587
She would hold her chalk
like a cigarette.
110
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,200
That's a scandal.
That is a scandal.
111
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,904
When you're 10 years old
and your teacher smokes,
112
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:51,681
that is a fucking scandal.
113
00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,816
She would write on the board
with it like it was a cigarette.
114
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,039
She'd teach us
like it was a cigarette.
115
00:04:57,079 --> 00:05:01,949
She was all,
"Daniel, what is two plus two?"
116
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:05,387
"It's a Virginia Slim.
I don't know. I don't know.
117
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,085
I don't know."
118
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:08,922
She was so crazy.
119
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,400
She had -- I loved her.
120
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:14,180
She was --
she had really dark red hair.
121
00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:15,876
She had long red hair
for an older woman --
122
00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:17,404
really dark,
beautiful dark red hair,
123
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:18,967
and you know, like,
on "Seinfeld," like,
124
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,494
Elaine kind of has, like,
two hairstyles, right?
125
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,407
There's, like, the oof,
you know, in that bun,
126
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:25,022
you know, or there's the oof
and then the fall,
127
00:05:25,063 --> 00:05:26,763
and that's, like -- that's it.
128
00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:28,594
So my teacher had
those two hairstyles, right?
129
00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:30,112
And then one day
we get to class,
130
00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:31,365
and, like, we just walk in,
131
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:32,718
and she's sitting there,
and we're not --
132
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,417
okay, first of all,
it's a red wig,
133
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:37,034
and when I say red, I mean,
it's like Ronald McDonald,
134
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:40,595
like, red wig,
and she has the oof,
135
00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:45,304
and then just set the wig
on top of her hair,
136
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,695
grading papers
like everything's normal.
137
00:05:47,738 --> 00:05:50,128
So the bell rings, right?
And like a bunch of idiots,
138
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:51,865
we, like, all walk into class
like nothing's happening.
139
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,006
We sit down, and she goes,
"Good morning, boys and girls.
140
00:05:54,049 --> 00:05:56,699
I am a good Christian woman,
and I cannot lie to you.
141
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:58,617
I am wearing a wig."
142
00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,752
And we're like,
"Yeah, no shit, Bullet Face.
143
00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:05,755
We've got your number.
We know what's going on."
144
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,930
She was crazy.
She was crazy!
145
00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:09,586
I love watching sports.
146
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,330
That's my favorite thing.
I know I don't look like it,
147
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,851
but, like,
I don't like to play sports.
148
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,594
I like to watch sports.
Do you know what I mean?
149
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,155
Like, I throw a football like
I'm giving a high five.
150
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,421
It just doesn't --
that doesn't work.
151
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:21,815
I quit baseball as a child
because the sun was in my eyes.
152
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:25,599
It's like, "Do all 8-year-olds
put up with this?
153
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,426
This is awful."
154
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:28,564
It was awful.
155
00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:30,605
I played on a co-ed team.
156
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:33,481
That should tell you everything,
and I -- one time --
157
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:36,313
The only place they would ever
put me was on shortstop.
158
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:39,832
It's, like, where young queers
go to die, and I was --
159
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:42,137
I was sassing the fuck
out of shortstop, right?
160
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:44,584
I had my hands on my hips.
I had my glove out.
161
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,101
I was, like, humming along
162
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:48,104
to the latest
Celine Dion song, you know?
163
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,626
I'm just having a great time,
164
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,150
and the girl at bat
hit the ball,
165
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:56,814
and it just went "zzzzzzmmm!"
and landed in my glove.
166
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:59,461
And I looked at it,
and I looked at my mom
167
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:02,416
'cause this had never
happened before.
168
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:04,545
I was like, "What do I do?"
169
00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,558
My mom goes, "Throw it!"
170
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,040
And so I just threw it back
171
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:09,649
at the bitch
that sent it to me, you know?
172
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,820
[ Laughter ]
173
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:17,566
And, like, the umpire was like,
"Uh, out?"
174
00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:19,351
It's, like, so bad.
175
00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:23,135
I -- but, like, you know,
sports are fun.
176
00:07:23,181 --> 00:07:24,621
I like watching sports.
177
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:26,011
Like, I'm always sad
when World Cup's over.
178
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:28,014
I'm so glad Iran won the fu--
right?
179
00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:30,186
They were the hottest team,
right? They won, right?
180
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:31,492
Did anybody see
the Iranian team?
181
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,968
Allahu Akbar.
182
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,447
I will convert to anything
for those people.
183
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:37,977
I was like,
"Okay. I will do whatever."
184
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:41,942
My favorite sport of all time
is synchronized diving.
185
00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,293
Do you people watch that shit?
186
00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,812
It's insane.
It's nuts.
187
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,115
Get a drug,
and then watch that shit.
188
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:47,511
It's really fun.
189
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:48,644
Any drug works,
but it's, like --
190
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:49,985
okay, so I love it because
191
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:51,604
it's, like, mathematical,
and it's nuts,
192
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,115
and it's kind of regional,
sort of racist and fun.
193
00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,738
I just love --
194
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:56,558
because, like, the Chinese
are the best, easily.
195
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,126
The Chinese are fucking nuts.
It's, like, these two people.
196
00:07:58,173 --> 00:07:59,573
They walk up to the thing,
jump off the thing,
197
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,129
and they're all together.
Ty-ty-ty-ty-ty-ty.
198
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:02,656
They hit the water --
no splash.
199
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:06,489
No splash, right?
Communism works, right there.
200
00:08:06,529 --> 00:08:08,969
I believe it.
I believe.
201
00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:10,320
It's crazy.
202
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:11,709
And then, like,
the French are fun.
203
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:12,932
I love the French
'cause they're beautiful.
204
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:14,540
Like, nobody cares.
205
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,711
And so the French,
they walk up there, jump off.
206
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,366
They light a cigarette.
207
00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:18,979
They're mildly anti-American.
"Da-da-da-da-da-da."
208
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,980
Splash, you know?
It's fun. I love it.
209
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:24,373
Oh, my favorite
are really the Russians.
210
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,026
The Russians are so good
because they're just, like,
211
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:27,640
huge and gorgeous
and steel and coal
212
00:08:27,681 --> 00:08:29,121
and ice and hot
and just everything.
213
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,860
They walk up to the thing.
They jump off.
214
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:33,081
They get all burly, jump off
the thing, and then they...
215
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:34,561
Then they pull out a laptop.
216
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:35,821
They hack into our elections,
and then they rig it,
217
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,913
rig it, rig it, rig it, rig it!
218
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:40,562
No splash!
219
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:43,127
Isn't that weird?
Isn't that weird?
220
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,744
My God.
221
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:49,266
Growing up in North Texas,
you have really conservative.
222
00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:52,101
You have really religious,
223
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:55,100
lot of kind of
older white people,
224
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:59,103
and being a royally
effeminate young man,
225
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:02,537
the old men and the baseball
coaches are not hospitable
226
00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:05,455
to young gay men
in the '80s and the '90s.
227
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,631
And as, like, a teenager
trying to fit in
228
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,107
in North Texas,
229
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,727
the go-to was
to kind of butch it up
230
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:14,768
because if you weren't straight,
it was a problem.
231
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,635
People would judge you,
and when you're a kid,
232
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,466
you're a little girl,
and then when you grow up
233
00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:20,174
or you're a teenager,
you're a fag.
234
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,691
I always wanted
to get away from it.
235
00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:24,605
I didn't feel...
236
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:28,791
I didn't feel unwelcome,
but I didn't feel welcome.
237
00:09:28,829 --> 00:09:31,479
In all of that,
I feel really lucky.
238
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,487
I have really cool parents.
239
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:35,579
I was, like,
this effeminate little kid
240
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:38,318
who was Carmen Miranda in
the fourth-grade talent show,
241
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,670
and my mom got the dress for me.
242
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,671
With my dad,
I think there were times
243
00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,633
where he felt kind of obligated
244
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,462
to steer me
towards the masculine.
245
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,630
He used to drive me to baseball,
246
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,547
and I bitched on the way there
all the time,
247
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,642
and I bitched on the way home.
248
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:54,810
I hated it.
I just hated it.
249
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:55,985
It was hot.
250
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:57,470
None of the guys
were my friends
251
00:09:57,509 --> 00:09:59,079
'cause I was the fucking fairy
on the field
252
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,040
who couldn't catch or throw
or do anything useful.
253
00:10:01,078 --> 00:10:02,908
I don't think either one of us,
my father or me,
254
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:04,690
knew what we were doing there,
but I think he was just trying
255
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:08,394
to get me in with,
like, some guys.
256
00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:09,483
Austin's liberal.
257
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:11,311
Austin's a really liberal place,
258
00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:15,309
so I moved to Austin two weeks
after I graduated high school.
259
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:16,533
I was in three bands.
260
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,102
I was like, "Oh, man. I'm home."
261
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:21,489
And then one day,
every band broke up,
262
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:23,363
and so I just started stand-up.
263
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,145
One of my friends
who's a comedian,
264
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:28,319
and he did open mics here
and other places,
265
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:30,016
and he was like,
"You're really fun to watch.
266
00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:31,674
You should do stand-up."
267
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:35,158
And, I mean, I trust him,
so I just started doing that.
268
00:10:35,199 --> 00:10:38,379
The first time I did stand-up
was scary, of course.
269
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,860
I did it in half-drag.
270
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:42,691
It was mainly just
a shit-ton of gay jokes
271
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,639
'cause I feel like that's what
every homosexual comedian
272
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:45,907
talks about
for the first few years.
273
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,559
It was just like,
"Anal, anal, anal,"
274
00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:50,613
and then you kind of
break through that.
275
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,390
I think I'm really lucky
to have started stand-up
276
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:53,874
in Austin, Texas.
277
00:10:53,914 --> 00:10:55,574
People are free to be
themselves,
278
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:58,051
talk about whatever
the hell they want,
279
00:10:58,092 --> 00:10:59,222
and I think
that's really good for me.
280
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:00,827
You know what I mean?
281
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,877
[ Laughter ]
282
00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,233
I swear to God,
I miss Texas all the time.
283
00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:06,713
I moved to Los Angeles.
284
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,803
I'm happy I live in Los Angeles.
I do.
285
00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:10,542
I mean, it's, like,
hard to be away from
286
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:12,152
friendly people, do you know?
But, like, out there --
287
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,633
I don't know
if everybody knows this.
288
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,113
L.A. is run by teenagers.
289
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:17,022
I don't know if anybody
knows this secret,
290
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,627
but it's run by teenagers.
291
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,328
I had to explain to an agent
who Ralph Nader was.
292
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:25,336
Yeah, and then
I just turned to dust.
293
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,340
Poof!
I'm gone, bitch.
294
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:29,122
I was gone!
It's hard.
295
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:30,726
Like, I'm 36.
I'm proud to be 36.
296
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,127
It's fine.
Don't worry.
297
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:35,829
With my clothes off,
I look 46, but I...
298
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:37,609
But, like, out there,
people are just insane.
299
00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:38,873
You know what I mean?
It's, like, to say you're, like,
300
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,565
"I'm a 36-year-old person,"
301
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,352
it's, like, I may as well just
say, "I am a pay phone."
302
00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:46,267
People are like, "What is that?
I don't get it."
303
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,754
It's like, "Never heard of it."
304
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:50,104
I'm 36!
305
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:52,284
Fuck!
Right?
306
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,280
You know, I mean, like,
I feel young, you know?
307
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:55,762
I know who MGMT is, you know?
308
00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:58,282
I feel like I'm hip.
309
00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:00,586
I got it.
I'm down.
310
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,072
You know, California is fun.
311
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,112
Weed is legal in California.
I know. Yeah.
312
00:12:04,158 --> 00:12:06,638
No. It's dangerous!
Put your hands down!
313
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:08,122
Dangerous!
314
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:09,422
It's awful!
315
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:11,027
I ate an edible
and went to Target
316
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,728
and bought a lava lamp
for $5.99.
317
00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:16,466
[ Cheers and applause ]
318
00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:18,218
Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh!
319
00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:21,439
And, like, I got home and,
like, sobered up
320
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,739
and was too embarrassed
to take it out of the box.
321
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,606
I was just, like...
322
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:27,217
It's so fun out there.
323
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:28,788
It is a really fun time.
Everything's crazy out there.
324
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,305
I've lived there for, like,
a year, people,
325
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:33,488
and my car
has been towed three times.
326
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,315
Three times,
and I was in an Uber,
327
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:37,583
and the Uber driver
pulled a gun on somebody.
328
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:40,276
I know.
I was like, "Am I in a movie?"
329
00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:43,114
I love Hollywood.
I love Hollywood.
330
00:12:43,153 --> 00:12:45,423
I do. I have no business
holding a gun, people.
331
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:46,980
Me holding a gun looks about
as natural
332
00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:50,727
as me penetrating a woman.
I'm just, you know...
333
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,120
Bang!
334
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:55,513
It doesn't work.
It never works. It doesn't.
335
00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:56,907
I just have to wave
my finger around.
336
00:12:56,950 --> 00:12:58,040
I be like, "Get the fuck out
of my house.
337
00:12:58,081 --> 00:12:59,081
You got to get away from here."
338
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:00,516
I'm just like, "No gun, no gun."
339
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:02,132
My God.
I'm not afraid of guns.
340
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:03,912
I'm not. I'm from Texas.
Whatever.
341
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:05,867
But it's, like, I am afraid
of stupid people, y'all, okay?
342
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,955
And it's, like, people, Texas
is 49th in education, okay?
343
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,265
49th!
344
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:12,101
We beat Mississippi,
you assholes.
345
00:13:12,139 --> 00:13:13,839
Mississippi!
346
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,490
It's like beating a maxi pad
in a spelling bee, you know?
347
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:18,364
It's, like, meaningless.
348
00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:19,536
It is so meaningless.
349
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,501
I don't know. Jesus.
350
00:13:21,539 --> 00:13:23,629
When the guy pulled the gun --
my Uber driver pulled --
351
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:26,242
I was gonna call the cops,
but he was sosexy,
352
00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,593
so I just -- I let it slide.
It was great.
353
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,423
I don't know.
I have fun out there.
354
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:32,071
Like, it's crazy out there.
It's fun to do comedy out there.
355
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:33,935
Everyone is always, like,
beautiful.
356
00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:37,597
It's a strange place to live,
and then, like, I have no job.
357
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:40,562
I have no job!
It's, like, I have nojob.
358
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:43,132
Like, for Mother's Day,
I gave my mom garlic bread.
359
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:46,300
I was like, "I have no job!
I have no job!"
360
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,477
I have no job.
I have no job.
361
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:49,923
I don't have a job.
362
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:52,009
And, like, I mean,
I am looking for a job.
363
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:54,528
I've been Googling things,
you know,
364
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,972
and I Googled,
"When to use a comma,"
365
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:59,400
and I discovered I don't
know anything about anything.
366
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:00,877
I don't know anything.
I have no job!
367
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,097
It's just, like, insane.
368
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:03,625
I don't have
a college education,
369
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:05,318
and so I'm not educated enough
to donate sperm.
370
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:08,196
Stay in school, people.
371
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:09,848
Stay in school.
372
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,722
No job, and, like, yeah.
373
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:14,073
I know.
I got fired as a dog walker.
374
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,774
People, I'm 36!
375
00:14:15,811 --> 00:14:17,381
Like, "Okay,
I can't pick up shit.
376
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,641
Great. What's next?"
It's, like, I did -- I know.
377
00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:23,434
Thank you very --
I did extra work on this TV show
378
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:25,211
that I'm not legally allowed
to talk about,
379
00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:28,475
but it's "Westworld."
It's that show "Westworld."
380
00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:30,519
Fuck that show.
They are rude people.
381
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:32,045
Fuck those people.
382
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,258
I was like --
a whole bunch of extras.
383
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,047
There was
like 9,000 of us, right?
384
00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:37,441
And they were like, "All of
y'all need to run up that hill."
385
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,965
And this one actress goes,
"I mean, are we scared?
386
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,359
Are we nervous?
Are we excited to be?
387
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:43,062
Why are we running up the hill?"
388
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:44,669
And some 20-year-old PA goes,
"'Cause I told you to,"
389
00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:46,709
and just walked away.
390
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:48,275
And I was like,
"Bitch, you had that coming.
391
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:50,632
Don't ask questions.
Don't ask stupid questions."
392
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,802
[ Laughter ]
393
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:54,808
We all had a Nutri-Grain bar
in 12 hours.
394
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:57,160
Anyway, and so I love it.
395
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,810
Like, it's fun for me.
You know what I mean?
396
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:00,604
It's so fun because --
well, I didn't enjoy it because,
397
00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:03,288
first of all, they cast me
as a Confederate soldier,
398
00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:06,907
which is ridiculous.
399
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:08,999
Rude!
400
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:13,128
And, second, the prop guy
gave me a real gun.
401
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:14,833
He goes, "Well, there you go."
402
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:17,350
And, like, I'm horsing around
with that for 20 seconds,
403
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:21,884
and he took it away from me,
right?
404
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:26,401
He gave me a rubber knife
405
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,707
and told me to, quote,
"Not swish it around so much."
406
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:36,201
"You can't talk to me like that.
It's Pride, motherfucker."
407
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:40,719
No job!
I have no fucking job.
408
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,805
Webb: When I started stand-up,
it went great,
409
00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:48,344
and then one time I was hosting
a show in this room.
410
00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:49,862
First show went great.
411
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,555
Second show -- almost empty,
nobody's here.
412
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:55,522
We're standing outside,
and, like, seven dudes --
413
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:57,963
huge, jacked guys, right?
414
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,650
It's a bachelor party.
415
00:15:59,697 --> 00:16:02,437
They have custom-made T-shirts,
which is so gay.
416
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:04,093
I don't know straight guys
that get married
417
00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:06,177
and make, like, fucking shirts
for themselves, but...
418
00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:09,656
And they all had AK-47s on them.
It was terrifying.
419
00:16:09,707 --> 00:16:11,357
And when I say they were
the only guys in the show,
420
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:12,485
that was it.
421
00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:14,016
It was the three people onstage,
422
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,280
the bartender, and these dudes,
423
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,633
and they didn't let me
have an inch.
424
00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:21,023
It was just seven dudes
just not laughing at me
425
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:25,067
because I think they think
that makes them gay.
426
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:28,554
Ten minutes onstage -- hated me.
427
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:31,026
But then I worked
at a restaurant,
428
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:33,167
and Obama was in town.
429
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:34,599
The president's coming in.
430
00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:36,075
I'm the cashier girl
at this restaurant,
431
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:38,735
and Barack Obama comes up to me.
432
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:40,480
We finish our transaction.
433
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:41,961
He's signing the receipt,
434
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,181
and I go,
"Equal rights for gay people!"
435
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,480
And he goes, "Are you gay?"
436
00:16:45,526 --> 00:16:47,656
And I go,
"Only when I'm having sex."
437
00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:51,232
And then I just froze, and we're
both looking at each other,
438
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:52,531
and he's dying.
439
00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:55,056
He's laughing his ass off,
440
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,751
and he was like,
"Come on, man. That's cool."
441
00:16:56,798 --> 00:17:00,978
And then we did that,
and a zillion cameras went off,
442
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:05,110
and within 24 hours,
I was international news.
443
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:07,424
I made the leader
of the free world laugh.
444
00:17:07,461 --> 00:17:10,381
He meets lots of people
every day,
445
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:12,120
and if you look back
at the video
446
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:15,771
and the pictures of it,
like, I got him.
447
00:17:15,817 --> 00:17:19,077
It gave me a lot of confidence
in stand-up,
448
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,255
and I was like, "Well, fuck."
I didn't choose
449
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:25,091
to make my "lifestyle"
or my personality
450
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:28,181
or anything about me
a political device.
451
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:31,181
I didn't weaponize my existence.
452
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:33,364
I didn't choose to be gay,
you know, or whatever.
453
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,100
It's, like, I --
it just is what it is.
454
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,192
I'm not the one
who has a problem with it.
455
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:41,451
[ Laughter ]
456
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,575
I miss Texas all the time,
people.
457
00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:45,187
I miss it, like,
'cause I'm in California.
458
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,278
It's so fucking weird out there.
You know what I mean?
459
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:48,627
Except I already, like --
460
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,456
once, I was standing
at a stoplight,
461
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:53,294
and I saw Jennifer Lopez
drive up in her car!
462
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,813
I know, and I --
I know!
463
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,897
And so I had
had a bunch of rosé,
464
00:17:57,946 --> 00:18:00,946
so then I, like, looked at her,
and I said,
465
00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,862
"You would be nothing
without 'Selena'!"
466
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:05,167
[ Laughter ]
467
00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:09,184
[ Cheers and applause ]
468
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:12,658
That's right.
That's right.
469
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,310
"Is she here tonight?"
You know?
470
00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:17,745
Me oistes, Jennifer Lopez?
471
00:18:17,792 --> 00:18:19,272
You know, I don't know, right?
472
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:20,745
I want to see the baby, like,
473
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,835
"Tu y tu buen culo pueden irse
al infierno
474
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:28,024
si crees que puedes tocar
a la Reina del Tejano." Right?!
475
00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:30,723
"La reina de todos tus sueños
y los hijos de Corpus Christi."
476
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,331
Right? That bitch!
I love her, my God.
477
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:34,853
I don't know.
I just see her. I'm like,
478
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:38,066
"Vete al infierno de Hollywood,
Jennifer Lopez."
479
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,467
Right?
480
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:43,429
"Donde puedes tener sexo grosso
con..."
481
00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:48,555
[ Laughter ]
482
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:49,775
Ugh!
483
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:53,184
Vete, Jennifer Lopez!
Right?
484
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,089
I love it. It's like, that bitch
could just go to Hollywood,
485
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,404
where she can, you know, "Llamar
la mierda se es musica," right?
486
00:18:58,441 --> 00:19:01,181
Because it's like, "Yeah, bitch,
yo puedo lip sync tambien."
487
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:04,057
Okay? Ugh!
488
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:05,879
My God.
I did like Pride in L.A.
489
00:19:05,927 --> 00:19:07,317
It's very different
'cause Pride, I think,
490
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:08,973
is, like, more important
in places like Texas.
491
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,187
You know what I mean?
Because, like, right now --
492
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,446
today, today, today,
right now --
493
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:12,978
capital is right fucking there,
494
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,371
governor, lieutenant governor,
attorney general,
495
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:16,074
all those people,
GOP platform,
496
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:18,771
right now --
gay-conversion therapy.
497
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:20,289
That's insane.
498
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:21,553
Like, it's insane.
It's illegal in California.
499
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:23,725
It's nuts, and can you imagine,
500
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:26,771
like, a room full of gay men
trying to be converted?
501
00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:29,727
That poor teacher.
Right?
502
00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:31,607
You know, it's all, "Ladies!"
503
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,558
You know, "Lesson number one
504
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:36,347
is just how to drink
from a straw
505
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,482
without looking like
you're sucking a dick."
506
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:41,135
[ Laughter ]
507
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,530
No.
508
00:19:43,573 --> 00:19:45,753
No! Failed!
509
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:49,673
We all failed --
failed that shit.
510
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,490
Right?
I mean, good luck.
511
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:55,238
Oh, and, like,
lesbian-conversion therapy?
512
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,501
Good fucking luck with that,
right?
513
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:59,244
Are you kidding me?
514
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,715
It is hard enough to teach
a lesbian good penmanship,
515
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:04,245
let alone how
to fuck a man, okay?
516
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,250
Stroke victims have better form.
I don't know.
517
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:08,602
My God. It's just crazy,
but it's important.
518
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,032
You know, here it's important.
519
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:11,688
In L.A., they've been gay
for 100,000 years.
520
00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,472
You know what I mean?
It was on Pride in Los Angeles
521
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:16,816
that I saw a man lip sync to
Britney Spears' "Toxic"
522
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:20,777
with his asshole,
and I did not know
523
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:22,788
I was gonna see that
that day, you know?
524
00:20:22,830 --> 00:20:25,180
It was, like -- it was
a miracle, and, y'all, I know.
525
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,704
It's, like, we are --
if we're busy
526
00:20:26,747 --> 00:20:28,967
incarcerating orphans
at the border, like,
527
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:31,010
a man doing a lip sync to
Britney Spears' "Toxic"
528
00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:32,615
with his asshole
does seem tone-deaf.
529
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:35,226
I get it, you know?
But it was amazing.
530
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:36,367
It was, like,
one of these things.
531
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,109
I was like, "He is coordinated."
532
00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:39,539
It was crazy.
533
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:43,286
I bet he has a job, right?
534
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:44,809
Very talented.
535
00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,902
I do -- I mean, like,
I'm looking for a job.
536
00:20:46,941 --> 00:20:48,421
But I just watch
television all day.
537
00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:49,814
That's it, and I'm just
addicted to the news.
538
00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:51,547
It makes me crazy.
539
00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,028
Like, and I hate that people
are like, "It's fake news!"
540
00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:54,637
I'm like, "Did something
happen on 'Teen Mom'?"
541
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:57,868
Like, "What did I miss?!"
542
00:20:57,908 --> 00:20:58,998
I am addicted to the news.
543
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,820
The news is fun.
Do you know?
544
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:03,738
I mean, like, guys, right now
it is hurricane season.
545
00:21:03,784 --> 00:21:05,184
Right now!
Do you know that?
546
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:06,660
That's the most fun
I've ever had.
547
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,350
Like, 'cause no matter what
the hurricane --
548
00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:10,307
like, you know,
hurricane 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
549
00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:12,876
whatever the category -- like,
every news station in the world
550
00:21:12,923 --> 00:21:16,323
sends their poor weatherman
to the middle of the storm,
551
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:20,542
and they tie that son of a bitch
to a tree, right?
552
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,323
He goes on live television.
553
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:24,538
He goes, "I'm Burt McGurdyson,
and I'm coming to you live
554
00:21:24,587 --> 00:21:26,417
from the middle of a hurricane,"
right?
555
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:30,679
And then a mailbox
flies into his fucking face,
556
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:32,204
and the news anchor
in the studio
557
00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:33,507
always ends up
super bitchy, right?
558
00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:35,473
She's always like,
"Stay dry, Burt."
559
00:21:37,774 --> 00:21:41,344
Burt's dead, you bitch --
dead!
560
00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:43,387
God.
See, the news isfun.
561
00:21:43,432 --> 00:21:45,352
I love the news.
I love when shit goes wrong.
562
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:47,961
Does anybody watch the Spanish
channel, Canal Azteca, anybody?
563
00:21:48,002 --> 00:21:49,092
[ Cheering ]Yes!
564
00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:50,443
Yes, yes!
I love Canal Azteca.
565
00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:51,923
It's the only news station
in the world
566
00:21:51,962 --> 00:21:54,442
where the news
is just videos of UFOs
567
00:21:54,487 --> 00:21:57,357
or, like, footage of these
Guatemalan police officers
568
00:21:57,403 --> 00:21:59,063
wrestling a llama.
Like, I saw it.
569
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:00,540
The llama went down.
It was insane.
570
00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:02,710
I just love it,
and the news anchor
571
00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:04,366
is always just some, like,
juicy woman
572
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:05,540
with her areolas hanging out.
573
00:22:05,585 --> 00:22:07,935
Like, y'all, it's fun.
574
00:22:07,978 --> 00:22:10,238
Like, years ago, do you
remember at the Super Bowl
575
00:22:10,285 --> 00:22:12,805
when Janet Jackson
flashed her nipple?
576
00:22:12,853 --> 00:22:14,253
Mm-hmm.
It was the Spanish channel
577
00:22:14,289 --> 00:22:18,419
that zoomed in, like,
and reversed it.
578
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:20,987
It was like,
"Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!"
579
00:22:21,035 --> 00:22:22,465
It was fucking magic, people.
580
00:22:22,515 --> 00:22:25,425
It was magic.
So magical.
581
00:22:25,474 --> 00:22:26,874
The news is fun.
582
00:22:26,910 --> 00:22:28,480
See?
I love the news.
583
00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:30,131
I do.
I will say --
584
00:22:30,174 --> 00:22:32,834
I mean, I do think the president
has ruined the news,
585
00:22:32,873 --> 00:22:34,353
but I don't talk about
the president.
586
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,786
I don't say a word about him
587
00:22:35,832 --> 00:22:37,402
'cause it's like my mama
always said, you know,
588
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:39,143
"If you don't have anything nice
to say about a bitch,
589
00:22:39,183 --> 00:22:41,583
don't say anything at all,"
you know?
590
00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:43,751
I mean, I will say that he looks
like a full-grown Zika baby,
591
00:22:43,797 --> 00:22:46,187
but that's it.
You know, that's it.
592
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:47,584
That's easy.
593
00:22:47,627 --> 00:22:48,977
I hate that family.
I hate Donald Trump, Jr.
594
00:22:49,019 --> 00:22:52,409
He's a physical conundrum,
right?
595
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:57,378
How can a man with no chin
have a double chin?
596
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:59,679
It's impossible!
It is.
597
00:22:59,726 --> 00:23:00,936
It's fucking impossible.
598
00:23:00,988 --> 00:23:02,208
But I will say this, people.
599
00:23:02,250 --> 00:23:03,820
If, like,
anybody thinks that, like,
600
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:06,430
a President Mike Pence
is any kind of option, I will --
601
00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:08,432
like, if you want to impeach
this guy and think he's next,
602
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:09,914
it's, like, you think
it's hard for a gay man
603
00:23:09,953 --> 00:23:12,913
to have an abortion now,
604
00:23:12,956 --> 00:23:14,916
wait 'til that son of a bitch
becomes president, you know?
605
00:23:14,958 --> 00:23:16,998
That's like --
and I don't like Mike Pence
606
00:23:17,047 --> 00:23:18,657
because he looks angry, right?
607
00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:22,051
You know, he looks like a penis
that's about to explode.
608
00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:23,616
Right?
Right?
609
00:23:23,663 --> 00:23:25,323
He looks like someone
who would be a dick
610
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,580
because he showed up at Chili's
and his to-go order
611
00:23:26,622 --> 00:23:29,582
wasn't ready on time, right?
612
00:23:29,625 --> 00:23:30,925
He always looks like that.
613
00:23:30,974 --> 00:23:32,284
Mike Pence looks like
a trans person
614
00:23:32,323 --> 00:23:34,203
just walked into
his bathroom, you know?
615
00:23:34,238 --> 00:23:35,588
I hate him.
He actually --
616
00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:36,941
he just looks like
a power bottom, right?
617
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:38,460
Don't we all think that?
I don't know.
618
00:23:38,504 --> 00:23:39,594
I think that Mike Pence
looks totally gay.
619
00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:41,025
Yes, he does.
He absolutely...
620
00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:42,681
When he walked out
of that football game
621
00:23:42,725 --> 00:23:44,595
because the players
were taking a knee,
622
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,510
that was the gayest thing
I've ever seen.
623
00:23:47,556 --> 00:23:52,126
"Aah! I am leaving.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah. Oh."
624
00:23:52,169 --> 00:23:54,779
Like, that's some
grade-A-faggot-ass material
625
00:23:54,824 --> 00:23:56,654
right there, people.
626
00:23:56,696 --> 00:23:59,306
Because, I mean, y'all,
that's how Ibehave, you know?
627
00:23:59,350 --> 00:24:02,440
That's what I'm like when
I had too much rosé one day,
628
00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:04,754
and I saw Jennifer Lopez in
the middle of the intersection.
629
00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:06,451
I said, "You'd be nothing
without 'Selena'!"
630
00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:08,138
And then I realized it wasn't
Jennifer Lopez at all.
631
00:24:08,185 --> 00:24:09,265
Oh, my God.
Thanks, everybody.
632
00:24:09,317 --> 00:24:11,797
My name's Daniel Webb.
633
00:24:11,841 --> 00:24:13,631
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
634
00:24:13,669 --> 00:24:15,059
I love you.
635
00:24:15,105 --> 00:24:19,015
[ Cheers and applause ]
636
00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:21,586
Emcee: One more time, please,
for Daniel Webb!
637
00:24:21,634 --> 00:24:24,944
[ Cheers and applause ]
638
00:24:24,985 --> 00:24:26,285
Ah, ah, ah!
639
00:24:26,334 --> 00:24:28,904
I knew it, you big dork.
640
00:24:28,945 --> 00:24:30,555
I knew it.
641
00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:33,819
Webb: I feel like stand-up
is one of the few times
642
00:24:33,863 --> 00:24:37,173
you can actually say stuff
and get away with it.
643
00:24:37,214 --> 00:24:38,874
-That was good.
-Cool.
644
00:24:38,912 --> 00:24:40,352
-That was very good.
-Oh, I'm so glad y'all made it.
645
00:24:40,391 --> 00:24:42,521
I knew you would be here.
646
00:24:42,568 --> 00:24:44,128
I don't think
it's about activism.
647
00:24:44,178 --> 00:24:46,658
I think it's about neutralizing
the situation.
648
00:24:46,702 --> 00:24:48,492
Yeah, it's cool.
649
00:24:48,530 --> 00:24:51,270
This is home. I mean, I love
California and Los Angeles,
650
00:24:51,315 --> 00:24:53,535
and hopefully Cher will let me
move into her house one day,
651
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:55,669
but I think it's vital
to still be
652
00:24:55,711 --> 00:24:57,451
a loud political voice in Texas.
653
00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:00,586
A lot of my heroes are from here
and did that,
654
00:25:00,629 --> 00:25:03,329
and I'd like to carry on
that tradition.
655
00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:05,331
-I love you, man.
-I love you.
656
00:25:05,373 --> 00:25:08,813
The capitol building
is about a mile away,
657
00:25:08,855 --> 00:25:11,765
and I'm gonna be
the screechiest queen,
658
00:25:11,814 --> 00:25:13,824
and they're gonna hear
every fucking word I say.
659
00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:19,740
♪♪
660
00:25:19,779 --> 00:25:25,389
♪♪
661
00:25:25,436 --> 00:25:28,216
♪ It cut, cut, cuts me deep
662
00:25:28,265 --> 00:25:33,615
♪ To see into
the darker side of you ♪
663
00:25:33,662 --> 00:25:36,322
♪ And before we fall
664
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,100
♪ I want you to know
665
00:25:38,145 --> 00:25:42,445
♪ This mess is all just
a dirty twist of fate ♪
666
00:25:42,497 --> 00:25:45,457
♪♪
667
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:47,760
♪ Wow
668
00:25:47,807 --> 00:25:49,937
[ Lion roars ]
669
00:25:51,114 --> 00:25:52,424
Oy vey!
670
00:25:52,463 --> 00:25:54,553
Use your knees, Page.
Come on. Push it!
51320
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