Original subtitles

[ Laughter ]

Man: Oh, there's a bit of applause. All right.

I was eating sushi a few weeks ago

with my little hipster friend Dylan.

Apparently I break every single rule of eating sushi

'cause every time I go to take a bite, he's like,

"Whoa. Don't mix the wasabi and the soy sauce together.

That's really disrespectful to the chef."

At a certain point, I was like,

"Dude, the chef is outside right now smoking a cigarette

yelling into his cellphone in Spanish.

I think we can eat this sushi however the fuck we want."

-This is Frankie, by the way. -Come on in, Frankie.

My sushi came with a side of fries

and a toy, so...

I know that sounds pretty problematic.

I just feel like this guy didn't have traditional in mind

when he decided to open up a sushi restaurant

in Central Texas

and only play his Rihanna club-mix playlist

during the Jell-O shot happy hour.

Hi.

All right. How are you doing?

I'm Daniel Webb, and I am a supreme,

flaming-queer, fifth-generation Texan,

and I'm a comic.

I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so glad to be here. -Are you ready?

Webb: I struggle with, "Do I have a, like, queer message

with my stand-up?"

Like, is there a political intent

to what I talk about and why?

I am trying to change people's minds

in that I want them to know that, like,

we're here, we're queer. Get used to it.

You can't get rid of me or shut us up

which is part of the reason I'm extra flamboyant onstage

because that's 8-year-old Daniel,

or that's Daniel after two whiskeys,

or that's the Daniel that somebody told to tone it down.

So I think that's my one message,

is that I just want to be this middle finger

in the middle of it all.

Emcee: Are you ready for your next comedian?

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

Please welcome the hilarious Daniel Webb.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you.

Oh, my God. That's me.

Oh, my God.

I'm so happy to be in Texas. I can't believe it.

It's so nice to be back.

Hi. Hi, Jones.

It's good to see you.

In case we haven't seen each other in a minute,

nothing's changed.

My dog still hates me, and I'm still in the closet.

Let's go, people. I, uh -- let's go.

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

Thank you very much. Thank you. I know.

That just means I have horse thieves in my family.

That's it. That's it.

But, like, y'all, I mean, for true, though.

I grew up when George W. Bush was governor of Texas, people.

I am a child left behind.

This is -- this is what it looks like.

This is it, you know?

I grew up in the '90s.

My fourth-grade teacher gave all of us our own Bible.

That's illegal -- super illegal.

She was crazy.

She was crazy.

I had good teachers, but, like, she's crazy.

Like, this woman on the very first day of school --

'cause, like, what, in the fourth grade, you know,

when you're, like, 9 and 10 years old, somewhere in there,

and on the very first day of school,

we came into the classroom, and she goes,

"Good morning, boys and girls.

I'm Miss Adams, and I'm your new teacher,

and the first thing I want you to learn from me

is a proper introduction."

And then the bitch goes, "I'll go first."

She goes...

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

She goes, "Good morning, boys and girls.

I'm Miss Anders, and I have a BB bullet in my eye."

And, like, sure as shit, she had this blue bullet,

like, in her eye, and she tells us the story.

Her brother shot her in the face.

It happens. It happens.

Hey, and -- right?

And the bullet, the BB bullet, went in her eye,

and then it, like -- it posed no medical threat,

so they just left it there 'cause it's Texas.

Yeah, that's why.

"You're fine. It's fine."

And then the bullet disappears inside of her brain, right?

And years later, it shows up again on this side, right?

Guys, y'all have to remember.

We're 9 years old, and we've been in school for 5 minutes.

We're like, "You're in charge?

The fuck is going on?"

She was crazy.

She was so crazy. I loved her.

She would hold her chalk like a cigarette.

That's a scandal. That is a scandal.

When you're 10 years old and your teacher smokes,

that is a fucking scandal.

She would write on the board with it like it was a cigarette.

She'd teach us like it was a cigarette.

She was all, "Daniel, what is two plus two?"

"It's a Virginia Slim. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know."

She was so crazy.

She had -- I loved her.

She was -- she had really dark red hair.

She had long red hair for an older woman --

really dark, beautiful dark red hair,

and you know, like, on "Seinfeld," like,

Elaine kind of has, like, two hairstyles, right?

There's, like, the oof, you know, in that bun,

you know, or there's the oof and then the fall,

and that's, like -- that's it.

So my teacher had those two hairstyles, right?

And then one day we get to class,

and, like, we just walk in,

and she's sitting there, and we're not --

okay, first of all, it's a red wig,

and when I say red, I mean, it's like Ronald McDonald,

like, red wig, and she has the oof,

and then just set the wig on top of her hair,

grading papers like everything's normal.

So the bell rings, right? And like a bunch of idiots,

we, like, all walk into class like nothing's happening.

We sit down, and she goes, "Good morning, boys and girls.

I am a good Christian woman, and I cannot lie to you.

I am wearing a wig."

And we're like, "Yeah, no shit, Bullet Face.

We've got your number. We know what's going on."

She was crazy. She was crazy!

I love watching sports.

That's my favorite thing. I know I don't look like it,

but, like, I don't like to play sports.

I like to watch sports. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I throw a football like I'm giving a high five.

It just doesn't -- that doesn't work.

I quit baseball as a child because the sun was in my eyes.

It's like, "Do all 8-year-olds put up with this?

This is awful."

It was awful.

I played on a co-ed team.

That should tell you everything, and I -- one time --

The only place they would ever put me was on shortstop.

It's, like, where young queers go to die, and I was --

I was sassing the fuck out of shortstop, right?

I had my hands on my hips. I had my glove out.

I was, like, humming along

to the latest Celine Dion song, you know?

I'm just having a great time,

and the girl at bat hit the ball,

and it just went "zzzzzzmmm!" and landed in my glove.

And I looked at it, and I looked at my mom

'cause this had never happened before.

I was like, "What do I do?"

My mom goes, "Throw it!"

And so I just threw it back

at the bitch that sent it to me, you know?

[ Laughter ]

And, like, the umpire was like, "Uh, out?"

It's, like, so bad.

I -- but, like, you know, sports are fun.

I like watching sports.

Like, I'm always sad when World Cup's over.

I'm so glad Iran won the fu-- right?

They were the hottest team, right? They won, right?

Did anybody see the Iranian team?

Allahu Akbar.

I will convert to anything for those people.

I was like, "Okay. I will do whatever."

My favorite sport of all time is synchronized diving.

Do you people watch that shit?

It's insane. It's nuts.

Get a drug, and then watch that shit.

It's really fun.

Any drug works, but it's, like --

okay, so I love it because

it's, like, mathematical, and it's nuts,

and it's kind of regional, sort of racist and fun.

I just love --

because, like, the Chinese are the best, easily.

The Chinese are fucking nuts. It's, like, these two people.

They walk up to the thing, jump off the thing,

and they're all together. Ty-ty-ty-ty-ty-ty.

They hit the water -- no splash.

No splash, right? Communism works, right there.

I believe it. I believe.

It's crazy.

And then, like, the French are fun.

I love the French 'cause they're beautiful.

Like, nobody cares.

And so the French, they walk up there, jump off.

They light a cigarette.

They're mildly anti-American. "Da-da-da-da-da-da."

Splash, you know? It's fun. I love it.

Oh, my favorite are really the Russians.

The Russians are so good because they're just, like,

huge and gorgeous and steel and coal

and ice and hot and just everything.

They walk up to the thing. They jump off.

They get all burly, jump off the thing, and then they...

Then they pull out a laptop.

They hack into our elections, and then they rig it,

rig it, rig it, rig it, rig it!

No splash!

Isn't that weird? Isn't that weird?

My God.

Growing up in North Texas, you have really conservative.

You have really religious,

lot of kind of older white people,

and being a royally effeminate young man,

the old men and the baseball coaches are not hospitable

to young gay men in the '80s and the '90s.

And as, like, a teenager trying to fit in

in North Texas,

the go-to was to kind of butch it up

because if you weren't straight, it was a problem.

People would judge you, and when you're a kid,

you're a little girl, and then when you grow up

or you're a teenager, you're a fag.

I always wanted to get away from it.

I didn't feel...

I didn't feel unwelcome, but I didn't feel welcome.

In all of that, I feel really lucky.

I have really cool parents.

I was, like, this effeminate little kid

who was Carmen Miranda in the fourth-grade talent show,

and my mom got the dress for me.

With my dad, I think there were times

where he felt kind of obligated

to steer me towards the masculine.

He used to drive me to baseball,

and I bitched on the way there all the time,

and I bitched on the way home.

I hated it. I just hated it.

It was hot.

None of the guys were my friends

'cause I was the fucking fairy on the field

who couldn't catch or throw or do anything useful.

I don't think either one of us, my father or me,

knew what we were doing there, but I think he was just trying

to get me in with, like, some guys.

Austin's liberal.

Austin's a really liberal place,

so I moved to Austin two weeks after I graduated high school.

I was in three bands.

I was like, "Oh, man. I'm home."

And then one day, every band broke up,

and so I just started stand-up.

One of my friends who's a comedian,

and he did open mics here and other places,

and he was like, "You're really fun to watch.

You should do stand-up."

And, I mean, I trust him, so I just started doing that.

The first time I did stand-up was scary, of course.

I did it in half-drag.

It was mainly just a shit-ton of gay jokes

'cause I feel like that's what every homosexual comedian

talks about for the first few years.

It was just like, "Anal, anal, anal,"

and then you kind of break through that.

I think I'm really lucky to have started stand-up

in Austin, Texas.

People are free to be themselves,

talk about whatever the hell they want,

and I think that's really good for me.

You know what I mean?

[ Laughter ]

I swear to God, I miss Texas all the time.

I moved to Los Angeles.

I'm happy I live in Los Angeles. I do.

I mean, it's, like, hard to be away from

friendly people, do you know? But, like, out there --

I don't know if everybody knows this.

L.A. is run by teenagers.

I don't know if anybody knows this secret,

but it's run by teenagers.

I had to explain to an agent who Ralph Nader was.

Yeah, and then I just turned to dust.

Poof! I'm gone, bitch.

I was gone! It's hard.

Like, I'm 36. I'm proud to be 36.

It's fine. Don't worry.

With my clothes off, I look 46, but I...

But, like, out there, people are just insane.

You know what I mean? It's, like, to say you're, like,

"I'm a 36-year-old person,"

it's, like, I may as well just say, "I am a pay phone."

People are like, "What is that? I don't get it."

It's like, "Never heard of it."

I'm 36!

Fuck! Right?

You know, I mean, like, I feel young, you know?

I know who MGMT is, you know?

I feel like I'm hip.

I got it. I'm down.

You know, California is fun.

Weed is legal in California. I know. Yeah.

No. It's dangerous! Put your hands down!

Dangerous!

It's awful!

I ate an edible and went to Target

and bought a lava lamp for $5.99.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh!

And, like, I got home and, like, sobered up

and was too embarrassed to take it out of the box.

I was just, like...

It's so fun out there.

It is a really fun time. Everything's crazy out there.

I've lived there for, like, a year, people,

and my car has been towed three times.

Three times, and I was in an Uber,

and the Uber driver pulled a gun on somebody.

I know. I was like, "Am I in a movie?"

I love Hollywood. I love Hollywood.

I do. I have no business holding a gun, people.

Me holding a gun looks about as natural

as me penetrating a woman. I'm just, you know...

Bang!

It doesn't work. It never works. It doesn't.

I just have to wave my finger around.

I be like, "Get the fuck out of my house.

You got to get away from here."

I'm just like, "No gun, no gun."

My God. I'm not afraid of guns.

I'm not. I'm from Texas. Whatever.

But it's, like, I am afraid of stupid people, y'all, okay?

And it's, like, people, Texas is 49th in education, okay?

49th!

We beat Mississippi, you assholes.

Mississippi!

It's like beating a maxi pad in a spelling bee, you know?

It's, like, meaningless.

It is so meaningless.

I don't know. Jesus.

When the guy pulled the gun -- my Uber driver pulled --

I was gonna call the cops, but he was sosexy,

so I just -- I let it slide. It was great.

I don't know. I have fun out there.

Like, it's crazy out there. It's fun to do comedy out there.

Everyone is always, like, beautiful.

It's a strange place to live, and then, like, I have no job.

I have no job! It's, like, I have nojob.

Like, for Mother's Day, I gave my mom garlic bread.

I was like, "I have no job! I have no job!"

I have no job. I have no job.

I don't have a job.

And, like, I mean, I am looking for a job.

I've been Googling things, you know,

and I Googled, "When to use a comma,"

and I discovered I don't know anything about anything.

I don't know anything. I have no job!

It's just, like, insane.

I don't have a college education,

and so I'm not educated enough to donate sperm.

Stay in school, people.

Stay in school.

No job, and, like, yeah.

I know. I got fired as a dog walker.

People, I'm 36!

Like, "Okay, I can't pick up shit.

Great. What's next?" It's, like, I did -- I know.

Thank you very -- I did extra work on this TV show

that I'm not legally allowed to talk about,

but it's "Westworld." It's that show "Westworld."

Fuck that show. They are rude people.

Fuck those people.

I was like -- a whole bunch of extras.

There was like 9,000 of us, right?

And they were like, "All of y'all need to run up that hill."

And this one actress goes, "I mean, are we scared?

Are we nervous? Are we excited to be?

Why are we running up the hill?"

And some 20-year-old PA goes, "'Cause I told you to,"

and just walked away.

And I was like, "Bitch, you had that coming.

Don't ask questions. Don't ask stupid questions."

[ Laughter ]

We all had a Nutri-Grain bar in 12 hours.

Anyway, and so I love it.

Like, it's fun for me. You know what I mean?

It's so fun because -- well, I didn't enjoy it because,

first of all, they cast me as a Confederate soldier,

which is ridiculous.

Rude!

And, second, the prop guy gave me a real gun.

He goes, "Well, there you go."

And, like, I'm horsing around with that for 20 seconds,

and he took it away from me, right?

He gave me a rubber knife

and told me to, quote, "Not swish it around so much."

"You can't talk to me like that. It's Pride, motherfucker."

No job! I have no fucking job.

Webb: When I started stand-up, it went great,

and then one time I was hosting a show in this room.

First show went great.

Second show -- almost empty, nobody's here.

We're standing outside, and, like, seven dudes --

huge, jacked guys, right?

It's a bachelor party.

They have custom-made T-shirts, which is so gay.

I don't know straight guys that get married

and make, like, fucking shirts for themselves, but...

And they all had AK-47s on them. It was terrifying.

And when I say they were the only guys in the show,

that was it.

It was the three people onstage,

the bartender, and these dudes,

and they didn't let me have an inch.

It was just seven dudes just not laughing at me

because I think they think that makes them gay.

Ten minutes onstage -- hated me.

But then I worked at a restaurant,

and Obama was in town.

The president's coming in.

I'm the cashier girl at this restaurant,

and Barack Obama comes up to me.

We finish our transaction.

He's signing the receipt,

and I go, "Equal rights for gay people!"

And he goes, "Are you gay?"

And I go, "Only when I'm having sex."

And then I just froze, and we're both looking at each other,

and he's dying.

He's laughing his ass off,

and he was like, "Come on, man. That's cool."

And then we did that, and a zillion cameras went off,

and within 24 hours, I was international news.

I made the leader of the free world laugh.

He meets lots of people every day,

and if you look back at the video

and the pictures of it, like, I got him.

It gave me a lot of confidence in stand-up,

and I was like, "Well, fuck." I didn't choose

to make my "lifestyle" or my personality

or anything about me a political device.

I didn't weaponize my existence.

I didn't choose to be gay, you know, or whatever.

It's, like, I -- it just is what it is.

I'm not the one who has a problem with it.

[ Laughter ]

I miss Texas all the time, people.

I miss it, like, 'cause I'm in California.

It's so fucking weird out there. You know what I mean?

Except I already, like --

once, I was standing at a stoplight,

and I saw Jennifer Lopez drive up in her car!

I know, and I -- I know!

And so I had had a bunch of rosé,

so then I, like, looked at her, and I said,

"You would be nothing without 'Selena'!"

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's right. That's right.

"Is she here tonight?" You know?

Me oistes, Jennifer Lopez?

You know, I don't know, right?

I want to see the baby, like,

"Tu y tu buen culo pueden irse al infierno

si crees que puedes tocar a la Reina del Tejano." Right?!

"La reina de todos tus sueños y los hijos de Corpus Christi."

Right? That bitch! I love her, my God.

I don't know. I just see her. I'm like,

"Vete al infierno de Hollywood, Jennifer Lopez."

Right?

"Donde puedes tener sexo grosso con..."

[ Laughter ]

Ugh!

Vete, Jennifer Lopez! Right?

I love it. It's like, that bitch could just go to Hollywood,

where she can, you know, "Llamar la mierda se es musica," right?

Because it's like, "Yeah, bitch, yo puedo lip sync tambien."

Okay? Ugh!

My God. I did like Pride in L.A.

It's very different 'cause Pride, I think,

is, like, more important in places like Texas.

You know what I mean? Because, like, right now --

today, today, today, right now --

capital is right fucking there,

governor, lieutenant governor, attorney general,

all those people, GOP platform,

right now -- gay-conversion therapy.

That's insane.

Like, it's insane. It's illegal in California.

It's nuts, and can you imagine,

like, a room full of gay men trying to be converted?

That poor teacher. Right?

You know, it's all, "Ladies!"

You know, "Lesson number one

is just how to drink from a straw

without looking like you're sucking a dick."

[ Laughter ]

No.

No! Failed!

We all failed -- failed that shit.

Right? I mean, good luck.

Oh, and, like, lesbian-conversion therapy?

Good fucking luck with that, right?

Are you kidding me?

It is hard enough to teach a lesbian good penmanship,

let alone how to fuck a man, okay?

Stroke victims have better form. I don't know.

My God. It's just crazy, but it's important.

You know, here it's important.

In L.A., they've been gay for 100,000 years.

You know what I mean? It was on Pride in Los Angeles

that I saw a man lip sync to Britney Spears' "Toxic"

with his asshole, and I did not know

I was gonna see that that day, you know?

It was, like -- it was a miracle, and, y'all, I know.

It's, like, we are -- if we're busy

incarcerating orphans at the border, like,

a man doing a lip sync to Britney Spears' "Toxic"

with his asshole does seem tone-deaf.

I get it, you know? But it was amazing.

It was, like, one of these things.

I was like, "He is coordinated."

It was crazy.

I bet he has a job, right?

Very talented.

I do -- I mean, like, I'm looking for a job.

But I just watch television all day.

That's it, and I'm just addicted to the news.

It makes me crazy.

Like, and I hate that people are like, "It's fake news!"

I'm like, "Did something happen on 'Teen Mom'?"

Like, "What did I miss?!"

I am addicted to the news.

The news is fun. Do you know?

I mean, like, guys, right now it is hurricane season.

Right now! Do you know that?

That's the most fun I've ever had.

Like, 'cause no matter what the hurricane --

like, you know, hurricane 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,

whatever the category -- like, every news station in the world

sends their poor weatherman to the middle of the storm,

and they tie that son of a bitch to a tree, right?

He goes on live television.

He goes, "I'm Burt McGurdyson, and I'm coming to you live

from the middle of a hurricane," right?

And then a mailbox flies into his fucking face,

and the news anchor in the studio

always ends up super bitchy, right?

She's always like, "Stay dry, Burt."

Burt's dead, you bitch -- dead!

God. See, the news isfun.

I love the news. I love when shit goes wrong.

Does anybody watch the Spanish channel, Canal Azteca, anybody?

[ Cheering ]Yes!

Yes, yes! I love Canal Azteca.

It's the only news station in the world

where the news is just videos of UFOs

or, like, footage of these Guatemalan police officers

wrestling a llama. Like, I saw it.

The llama went down. It was insane.

I just love it, and the news anchor

is always just some, like, juicy woman

with her areolas hanging out.

Like, y'all, it's fun.

Like, years ago, do you remember at the Super Bowl

when Janet Jackson flashed her nipple?

Mm-hmm. It was the Spanish channel

that zoomed in, like, and reversed it.

It was like, "Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!"

It was fucking magic, people.

It was magic. So magical.

The news is fun.

See? I love the news.

I do. I will say --

I mean, I do think the president has ruined the news,

but I don't talk about the president.

I don't say a word about him

'cause it's like my mama always said, you know,

"If you don't have anything nice to say about a bitch,

don't say anything at all," you know?

I mean, I will say that he looks like a full-grown Zika baby,

but that's it. You know, that's it.

That's easy.

I hate that family. I hate Donald Trump, Jr.

He's a physical conundrum, right?

How can a man with no chin have a double chin?

It's impossible! It is.

It's fucking impossible.

But I will say this, people.

If, like, anybody thinks that, like,

a President Mike Pence is any kind of option, I will --

like, if you want to impeach this guy and think he's next,

it's, like, you think it's hard for a gay man

to have an abortion now,

wait 'til that son of a bitch becomes president, you know?

That's like -- and I don't like Mike Pence

because he looks angry, right?

You know, he looks like a penis that's about to explode.

Right? Right?

He looks like someone who would be a dick

because he showed up at Chili's and his to-go order

wasn't ready on time, right?

He always looks like that.

Mike Pence looks like a trans person

just walked into his bathroom, you know?

I hate him. He actually --

he just looks like a power bottom, right?

Don't we all think that? I don't know.

I think that Mike Pence looks totally gay.

Yes, he does. He absolutely...

When he walked out of that football game

because the players were taking a knee,

that was the gayest thing I've ever seen.

"Aah! I am leaving. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah. Oh."

Like, that's some grade-A-faggot-ass material

right there, people.

Because, I mean, y'all, that's how Ibehave, you know?

That's what I'm like when I had too much rosé one day,

and I saw Jennifer Lopez in the middle of the intersection.

I said, "You'd be nothing without 'Selena'!"

And then I realized it wasn't Jennifer Lopez at all.

Oh, my God. Thanks, everybody.

My name's Daniel Webb.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I love you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: One more time, please, for Daniel Webb!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ah, ah, ah!

I knew it, you big dork.

I knew it.

Webb: I feel like stand-up is one of the few times

you can actually say stuff and get away with it.

-That was good. -Cool.

-That was very good. -Oh, I'm so glad y'all made it.

I knew you would be here.

I don't think it's about activism.

I think it's about neutralizing the situation.

Yeah, it's cool.

This is home. I mean, I love California and Los Angeles,

and hopefully Cher will let me move into her house one day,

but I think it's vital to still be

a loud political voice in Texas.

A lot of my heroes are from here and did that,

and I'd like to carry on that tradition.

-I love you, man. -I love you.

The capitol building is about a mile away,

and I'm gonna be the screechiest queen,

and they're gonna hear every fucking word I say.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ It cut, cut, cuts me deep

♪ To see into the darker side of you ♪

♪ And before we fall

♪ I want you to know

♪ This mess is all just a dirty twist of fate ♪

♪♪

♪ Wow

[ Lion roars ]

Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page. Come on. Push it!