All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e02_English

Well, let's go down
and check out the green room.

I used to date a girl
who was a musician.

She fancied herself a poet.

And also a cheater.

She was a singer/schlong rider.

[ Laughter ]

My little brother just got
a promotion at his job.

He was all excited about it.

He texted me, he's like,
"Hey, man, I got the job."

I texted him back, I said,
"Fucking 'A,' man."

But I left all the punctuation
out of the sentence.

-Excited?
-Yeah, dude.

Nervous, though.
I'm not gonna lie.

It looked like he was like,
"Hey, man, I got the job,"

and I just wrote back,
"Fucking a man."

Appreciate it, man.
Thank you guys for coming out.

I'm Raul Sanchez,
and I am a stand-up comedian.

I was in the 82nd Airborne.

Comedy gave me something
that I could do after the army.

I didn't know what I was
gonna do when I got out.

At the beginning, it was just
like blind hunger

for something that
I didn't even understand.

I don't tell people that I was
in the army

or that I fought in Iraq
or in Afghanistan.

Stand-up comedy is a release
in that

I allow myself to talk about it,
to say that I did that.

Going up on stage, it's the same
exact level of anxiety

and the exact same amount
of relief

that I get jumping
out of an airplane.

The doors come up,
and all you hear is [Blowing]

And it's just darkness
'cause you're jumping

in the middle of the night.

Either the chute's
gonna open or it's not.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: Are we ready for
our next comedian?

♪♪

♪♪

He's an absolute killer,

and he was the winner of the
Funniest Comic in Texas contest.

Please welcome the hilarious
Raul Sanchez!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, everybody!

Thank you.
Beautiful, awesome Texas.

Nice to be here, man.

Capital of drinking.

I fucking love this place, dude.

I went to the West Coast
not too long ago.

Went to go visit some family,
do some shows.

It was pretty awesome, man,
but I'll tell you this, dude,

they are not fucking around
with their pot up there, dude.

My sister gave me some weed.

She goes, "Here you go, Raul.

This is medical-grade pot."

And then just left me there
with it.

Dude, is it me,
or is the word "medical"

not the most deceiving way

to describe how powerful
something is?

When I think of the word
"medical," I think of safety.

When I think of the word
"medical,"

I don't think sitting on a sofa
with my nails dug

into the side of the arm rest

like I'm about to blast off
in a fucking rocket.

"Aah, this is too medical!"

[ Laughter ]

Dude, I got so high
I took a drink of water,

I didn't even swallow it.

I just walked around the house

for two hours
with water in my mouth.

Yeah, so you can imagine
my surprise

when I went to take another hit.

I almost drowned in
my sister's living room.

Jesus.

Weed is not my friend
sometimes, man.

You ever get so high
you suddenly realize

that you've been rambling on
for the past 20 minutes,

but the only part of those
20 minutes you remember

is that last sentence
you just said?

But that last sentence
is so obscure,

there's no way to trace it back
to what the fuck it was.

You'll be there like,
"Blah, blah, blah, yeah,

but it's all done
mechanically nowadays,

so if anything,
you'd have to suck my dick.

The fuck was I talking about?"

And you realize the entire time

you were talking
to your grandma.

But now she throws you
off your mug 'cause she's like,

"Well, yeah, he would have to.
It's, uh...

It's kind of an unwritten rule,
really."

I hope they legalize it here
in Texas, man,

'cause we need that shit.

Yeah, dude.
[ Cheers and applause ]

They need to legalize it.

I got some friends that are
way too optimistic

about that shit, though.

They're like, "Oh, bro,
in three more years, bro,

we're all gonna be smoking
a joint outside the Alamo, bro.

They won't be able
to tell us shit."

It's like, "Nah, dude."
I love my state, man.

I love Texas, but we're gonna be
the last motherfuckers

to legalize that shit.

Yeah, and I'll tell you why.

Because in Texas,
old people will not die.

They will not die,
and they love to vote!

Die!

So I can smoke a joint
outside the Alamo.

And good luck trying
to change their mind, man.

They're so set in their ways,

it doesn't matter
how good your point is, man.

I know 'cause I've had
these arguments before.

You do realize that marijuana
is a lot safer than alcohol

and a lot healthier
than cigarettes,

and if you keep it illegal,

you're just providing
the cartels

with a lucrative business
that only they have access to.

But they won't listen
to that shit.

They'll just be like,
"All right, sir,

I'm not gonna tell you again.
Step out of your vehicle

and put your hands
behind your head."

All right, well, maybe...

Maybe you have a point.

I don't know.

Okay.

I grew up in a pretty tough
neighborhood, man.

I grew up in the West Side
of San Antonio.

I have a friend that did
seven years in prison

'cause he robbed
a jewelry store, and dude,

sometimes I don't like
hanging out with this dude.

No, every time I go over
to his house, like,

he always wants
to play me prison games.

No, I don't mean
like weird shit.

I mean like --

like, he always wants
to play me chess, you know?

He's like, "Hey, bro, let's play
a game of chess, bro."

"Chess, bro."

No, man, I don't know
how to play chess,

and I think it's kind of boring
to be honest with you.

He's like, "Aw, bro, see, the
reason you don't know how to

play chess is 'cause chess --
chess is a thinking man's game."

Is it, Eddie?

Is it a thinking man's game?

Or is it the game of a man
who couldn't go outside

for seven years?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I don't know
how to play chess

'cause I was allowed
to go to the mall.

Why don't we just have
a toothbrush-sharpening contest

while we're at it,
you fucking maniac?

Incredible, man.

I used to box.

No, I should say I tried boxing
for two weeks.

It went, as white people
like to say, no bueno.

[ Laughter ]

It was tough.

[ Laughter ]

You know why I tried it?

Because I saw this documentary
on all Mexican boxers, right,

and those motherfuckers
got me all riled up.

You know, this dude came on
the screen and he's just like,

"I don't know what it is
about us Mexicans and boxing.

I guess it's just in our blood."

And I'm looking at it.
"It is in out blood, man.

I'm fucking boxing," right?

And all of a sudden,
Julio César Chávez comes out,

who's arguably the greatest
Mexican boxer of all time.

He looks into the camera
and he goes,

"You only need one thing
to be a great boxer.

It's called a heart."

And I'm like, "I'm Mexican
and I got a fucking heart, dude.

I'm laying dudes out, man,
I'm telling you."

Two weeks later, this kid
lit me up so bad, dude.

I went home mad.
I was like, "All right,

I'm not gonna say that
Julio César Chávez is a liar,

but he definitely
withheld some information, man.

There's a lot more to it
than heart."

You know, and personally,

I blame the director
of that documentary,

'cause as soon as Chávez said
that shit about the heart,

I should've heard a voice
off camera go,

"What about reflexes?"

That's a pretty fucking
big part of it, man.

I don't know if you know this.

You know what it looks like
when a really fast guy

throws a punch at you?
It looks like this.

That's it.

That's all you see,

and magically, the side
of your head starts to hurt.

I'm like, "What the fuck?

This is ridiculous."

I was born in Mexico.

We moved to the States
when I was 7 years old.

Ever since I was a kid,
I wanted to join the army.

I had it in my head that I was
gonna fight in a war,

and I don't know
where it comes from,

but I believe maybe it was
just something

left over
from another lifetime.

So, when I got to high school,

the only thing I wanted to do
was do the ROTC program.

When I was a senior,
9/11 happened,

and the teacher rolled in
those TVs that are on wheelers,

and he said, "Guys, this is
what's happening right now."

I was standing in the back
watching the footage

and saw the airplanes
going into the building,

and I remember the first thing
that I thought was,

"Oh, my God,
we're going to war."

I mean, I was
an 18-year-old boy.

That's the only thing that
went through my head, really,

that I wanted to fight.

My name is Raul Sanchez,

and I am a former
illegal immigrant.

That's right, yes.

And I was also
in the United States Army

for four years, so yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah. Talk about taking
American jobs, huh?

[ Laughter ]

There wasn't a big line for that
one, I'll tell you that much.

One question that I always
had trouble answering

was when people
would come up to me like,

"Hey, Raul, how did that feel,
being illegal?

How did that feel?"

Like, I don't know, dude,
I was 7.

And I'm pretty sure that illegal
is not something

that you can feel, you know?

You don't go up to somebody
at work and be like,

"Hey, man, are you feeling okay?
You look a little tired."

They're like, "Actually,
I woke up feeling

illegal this morning."

You know how it is
when you drink too much.

The next thing, your head
feels undocumented as fuck.

Terrible feeling,
that undocumented feeling.

When people find this out
about me,

they always want
to talk to me about

illegal immigration politics,

and they find out
that I don't give a shit.

They almost get offended.
They're like, "What?!

Raul, these are the issues that
we're discussing as a society.

You out of all people
should know that."

It's like, "Dude, I dropped out
of community college

after three weeks.

I should not be discussing
anything."

That's the problem
in this country.

We don't go to smart people
with educations

and degrees on the subject.

We just ask each other.

It's like, "Hey, Greg,
you've mailed a letter before.

What do you think about
the Supreme Court Justices'

decision last week?"

"I think they're a bunch
of pussies!

That's what I think!"

Dude, if your opinion
on the government

is also something that you yell
at a football game,

it's not a good one.

Here's the thing,
I don't even have opinions

on illegal immigration.
I just have a hope,

and my hope is that one day
illegal immigration

gets treated with the same
dignity as drinking and driving.

Yeah, because in both cases,

you are breaking the laws
of the United States government.

I just wish that both of them
got treated

like drinking and driving,
you know?

If I get caught,
I get what I deserve.

If I don't, I get
Jack In The Box

and you leave me
the fuck alone.

Nobody got hurt.

I made it to a house in America.

As long as you're happy,
you know?

As long as you find happiness.

And I've heard people say,
"If you want to find

true happiness in life,

what you have to do
is you have to find something

that you love to do
and do that for a living."

And that's how you find
true happiness.

But I don't believe that shit,
though.

You don't have to have
a great job to be happy.

You don't have to have
that perfect job

that you've always wanted
since you were a kid.

Dude, all you got to do
in this life

to be happy with who you are
and what you do

is find a job
where you can steal things.

Steal things from work.

Any time you feel shitty
about your life

and what you do for a living,
steal something from work.

And if you go,
"Well, I work at McDonald's.

I feel like shit every day,"
steal something every day.

And don't just steal
the same thing.

Steal something different
every time.

So if you've worked
at McDonald's for four years,

you should've already built
another one in your backyard.

And now you're self-employed.

[ Laughter ]

When I first found out
I was going to Afghanistan,

the captain of the training
platoon came over

and he just started
talking to us,

and he said, "Sit down."

Half of us went to this side
of the conference table

and the other half went this.

This kid that I went
through basic,

Dennis, sat on the other side
and I sat on this side.

He said, "Charlie Company,
Bravo Company."

And a couple of months
while we're in Afghanistan,

Dennis got killed,
and I remember thinking, like,

"That's what decided it?"

Like, just where we sat

decided what unit
we were going to,

and it just so happens
that he got put in one

that got in close contact
with the enemy.

[ Clears throat ]

And they told us, yeah,
that guys in Bravo Company

made contact, and...

Yeah, and then they listed
the casualties, you know,

I guess in case
somebody knows somebody.

You know, and they said
it was -- it was Dennis.

I left the army
because I was just too tired.

I was physically and emotionally
and mentally exhausted.

After the army, for four years,

I didn't know
what I was gonna do.

I was a janitor,
a cash register guy,

and I was getting
depressed a lot,

and one day, I was driving

and I was crying with anxiety,

and I remember seeing
the "Laugh Out Loud" sign.

It's a comedy club
in San Antonio.

And I thought, "I guess
I could use a laugh, right?"

So I went, and there was
something in the air.

I could feel it.

If somebody crushed, there was
something left in the air

when people were laughing,

and it was like
a Pentecostal church,

and it happened
to be open mike night.

I didn't go up that night,
but I remember I wrote

for a whole week
till the next Tuesday,

and I started there
and I never stopped after that.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's crazy, man.
I was airborne infantry, man.

I used to jump out of airplanes
and shit.

That was fucking scary, man,

'cause I'm a little dude,
you know?

Like, every time I jumped out,
it took me, like, three times

longer than everybody
to get to the ground.

Like, at one point,
the parachute was beneath me.

I was like, "What the fuck?"

Parachute is using me to lower
itself safely to the ground.

[ Laughter ]

I was in the army, man.

I went to visit a friend of mine
back in Virginia, man.

He was my squad leader
in Iraq, man,

and we were just bullshitting
the whole time

talking about old stories,
and he told me this one

I'd completely
forgotten about, man.

We used to do this exercise
called EPW and search exercises

where we got to practice
searching a body, right,

of an enemy to make sure,
you know, there's no intel

or it's got booby traps on it,
right?

And what happens is you get
paired up with somebody,

and one of you plays dead
and the other one

has to search through
the pockets and everything.

And my friend Lin,
he was a private at the time.

He got set up with a sergeant,

and he was gonna play
the dead body,

Lin was, and you know
what this dude --

this motherfucker cut a hole
in his pocket

and stuck his dick through it,
knowing full well

that a sergeant
in the United States Army

was about to go
through his pockets, right?

And the sergeant starts going
through this,

and he's all into it, like,
"I'm searching the body,

and now I'm recovering this,"

yeah, and he starts patting --
You got to start from the top.

And he starts patting
and he's working his way down,

and we're all just grabbing
each other like...

You start seeing Lin's chest,
like,

bouncing up, like,
trying to hold his laughter

'cause he knows
what's about to happen.

Finally, the sergeant gets
to the dick pocket, right?

And he puts his hand in it

and he just starts, like,
"What the fuck?

What, do you have gum
in here, man?

What the fuck is this?"

And then Lin tells me,
"Dude, at some point,

I was just trying not
to get hard," 'cause...

'cause he wasn't trying
to jack him off,

but that is what he was doing.

And then finally,
the sergeant just goes,

"Hey, man, what the fuck
do you have in your pocket?"

And then Lin just opens his eyes
and goes,

"It's my dick, sergeant."

He's like, "Aaaaah!"

He took his hand --

It looked like it was
disintegrating like a vampire.

He's like, "Aah!"

He smoked the piss
out of Lin, man.

He had him doing, like, lunges
and push ups.

Lin was soaking wet
after 30 minutes,

but every time
the sergeant would look away,

Lin would look at us
and be like,

"Ah, he touched my dick,
didn't he?"

One time we went to Iraq, right,
and we got in a firefight,

and what happened was we pushed
the enemy up against

the Euphrates river, right,
but we were in a palm grove,

so there was a lot of palms,
there was a lot of brush.

We couldn't see anything.

And the shooting is
going back and forth,

and all of a sudden,

I hear somebody calling me
to throw a grenade.

They're like, "Sergeant Sanchez,
throw a grenade!"

And I'm like, "What?"

"Throw a grenade!"
I was like, "Are you sure?

'Cause there's a lot
of trees, man.

That shit could bounce back
and hit us."

He's like, "Just throw
the fucking grenade!"

I was like, "Goddamn it."

So I grab the grenade
and I pull the pin.

I get up on a knee and I chuck
it as hard as I can,

and then I get down
for the explosion,

and all I hear is [Bloops]

And then somebody yells at me.

He's like, "Damn it, Sanchez!
You threw it too far!

It landed in the fucking river!"

And I was like,
"Well, don't yell at me.

Like, we're on the same team."

"Don't focus on the negative
shit, you know?"

Like, "At least now we know

they're not in
the fucking river," you know?

But I think the reason
I threw it so hard was

'cause I was overcompensating,
you know?

'Cause when I was
in high school,

I was on the baseball team
for two days.

'Cause that's how long
it took me to find out

that I threw like a bitch,
right?

So it's no surprise to me
when I got to basic training

and all the drill sergeants
were yelling at me,

they're like, "Damn it, Sanchez,
why can't you throw a grenade?

It's just like throwing
a baseball!"

I was like, "I know,
it's fucking difficult.

Plus, it's heavy, man.
It's made out of metal.

I didn't know this was made
out of metal."

He's like, "Of course
it's made out of metal!

It's supposed to kill people."
I was like,

"Well, you can catch more flies
with honey, drill sergeant."

I thought wouldn't that be great

if that's how a grenade
actually worked, right?

Like, you throw a grenade and a
bunch of honey goes everywhere.

And it actually works.
Like, the enemy's like,

"Well, I want to keep fighting,
but I'm so sticky.

Ugh.
My neck keeps doing the thing

where where it sticks
to your shoulder.

I'm gonna go wash off
in the river."

They're like,
"Oh, don't go in the river.

They're throwing grenades
in the river.

That's how they get you.

Honey grenade,
river grenade, you know?"

After a while, I think
the enemy started knowing

when it was me
throwing the grenade

every time it landed short,
you know,

'cause they started doing
that little league thing.

They're like, "All right,
everybody, bring it in.

Look who's coming up."

Hey, guys, I got to
get out of here, man.

Thank you so much.

I appreciate you guys.

Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee:
One more time, Raul Sanchez!

Sanchez: I suppose the way
I can find the humor

about things like
being in a firefight

or just being in the army

is that that's what we did
on our off time

in Iraq and Afghanistan.

There was nothing sacred.

The humor has to be amped up
to a higher degree

for us to find it funny.

You can't just talk about,
you know, goofy things.

That's not gonna make us laugh

because we could die
the next day.

I don't know if comedy's
a therapy for me now.

Maybe it could've started off
that way, but now I just --

I love it.

When I go up on stage, it's like
I'm about to jump out again.

I feel that tug,

and it's just a peaceful landing
the whole way through.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!