Original subtitles

Well, let's go down and check out the green room.

I used to date a girl who was a musician.

She fancied herself a poet.

And also a cheater.

She was a singer/schlong rider.

[ Laughter ]

My little brother just got a promotion at his job.

He was all excited about it.

He texted me, he's like, "Hey, man, I got the job."

I texted him back, I said, "Fucking 'A,' man."

But I left all the punctuation out of the sentence.

-Excited? -Yeah, dude.

Nervous, though. I'm not gonna lie.

It looked like he was like, "Hey, man, I got the job,"

and I just wrote back, "Fucking a man."

Appreciate it, man. Thank you guys for coming out.

I'm Raul Sanchez, and I am a stand-up comedian.

I was in the 82nd Airborne.

Comedy gave me something that I could do after the army.

I didn't know what I was gonna do when I got out.

At the beginning, it was just like blind hunger

for something that I didn't even understand.

I don't tell people that I was in the army

or that I fought in Iraq or in Afghanistan.

Stand-up comedy is a release in that

I allow myself to talk about it, to say that I did that.

Going up on stage, it's the same exact level of anxiety

and the exact same amount of relief

that I get jumping out of an airplane.

The doors come up, and all you hear is [Blowing]

And it's just darkness 'cause you're jumping

in the middle of the night.

Either the chute's gonna open or it's not.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: Are we ready for our next comedian?

♪♪

♪♪

He's an absolute killer,

and he was the winner of the Funniest Comic in Texas contest.

Please welcome the hilarious Raul Sanchez!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, everybody!

Thank you. Beautiful, awesome Texas.

Nice to be here, man.

Capital of drinking.

I fucking love this place, dude.

I went to the West Coast not too long ago.

Went to go visit some family, do some shows.

It was pretty awesome, man, but I'll tell you this, dude,

they are not fucking around with their pot up there, dude.

My sister gave me some weed.

She goes, "Here you go, Raul.

This is medical-grade pot."

And then just left me there with it.

Dude, is it me, or is the word "medical"

not the most deceiving way

to describe how powerful something is?

When I think of the word "medical," I think of safety.

When I think of the word "medical,"

I don't think sitting on a sofa with my nails dug

into the side of the arm rest

like I'm about to blast off in a fucking rocket.

"Aah, this is too medical!"

[ Laughter ]

Dude, I got so high I took a drink of water,

I didn't even swallow it.

I just walked around the house

for two hours with water in my mouth.

Yeah, so you can imagine my surprise

when I went to take another hit.

I almost drowned in my sister's living room.

Jesus.

Weed is not my friend sometimes, man.

You ever get so high you suddenly realize

that you've been rambling on for the past 20 minutes,

but the only part of those 20 minutes you remember

is that last sentence you just said?

But that last sentence is so obscure,

there's no way to trace it back to what the fuck it was.

You'll be there like, "Blah, blah, blah, yeah,

but it's all done mechanically nowadays,

so if anything, you'd have to suck my dick.

The fuck was I talking about?"

And you realize the entire time

you were talking to your grandma.

But now she throws you off your mug 'cause she's like,

"Well, yeah, he would have to. It's, uh...

It's kind of an unwritten rule, really."

I hope they legalize it here in Texas, man,

'cause we need that shit.

Yeah, dude. [ Cheers and applause ]

They need to legalize it.

I got some friends that are way too optimistic

about that shit, though.

They're like, "Oh, bro, in three more years, bro,

we're all gonna be smoking a joint outside the Alamo, bro.

They won't be able to tell us shit."

It's like, "Nah, dude." I love my state, man.

I love Texas, but we're gonna be the last motherfuckers

to legalize that shit.

Yeah, and I'll tell you why.

Because in Texas, old people will not die.

They will not die, and they love to vote!

Die!

So I can smoke a joint outside the Alamo.

And good luck trying to change their mind, man.

They're so set in their ways,

it doesn't matter how good your point is, man.

I know 'cause I've had these arguments before.

You do realize that marijuana is a lot safer than alcohol

and a lot healthier than cigarettes,

and if you keep it illegal,

you're just providing the cartels

with a lucrative business that only they have access to.

But they won't listen to that shit.

They'll just be like, "All right, sir,

I'm not gonna tell you again. Step out of your vehicle

and put your hands behind your head."

All right, well, maybe...

Maybe you have a point.

I don't know.

Okay.

I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood, man.

I grew up in the West Side of San Antonio.

I have a friend that did seven years in prison

'cause he robbed a jewelry store, and dude,

sometimes I don't like hanging out with this dude.

No, every time I go over to his house, like,

he always wants to play me prison games.

No, I don't mean like weird shit.

I mean like --

like, he always wants to play me chess, you know?

He's like, "Hey, bro, let's play a game of chess, bro."

"Chess, bro."

No, man, I don't know how to play chess,

and I think it's kind of boring to be honest with you.

He's like, "Aw, bro, see, the reason you don't know how to

play chess is 'cause chess -- chess is a thinking man's game."

Is it, Eddie?

Is it a thinking man's game?

Or is it the game of a man who couldn't go outside

for seven years?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I don't know how to play chess

'cause I was allowed to go to the mall.

Why don't we just have a toothbrush-sharpening contest

while we're at it, you fucking maniac?

Incredible, man.

I used to box.

No, I should say I tried boxing for two weeks.

It went, as white people like to say, no bueno.

[ Laughter ]

It was tough.

[ Laughter ]

You know why I tried it?

Because I saw this documentary on all Mexican boxers, right,

and those motherfuckers got me all riled up.

You know, this dude came on the screen and he's just like,

"I don't know what it is about us Mexicans and boxing.

I guess it's just in our blood."

And I'm looking at it. "It is in out blood, man.

I'm fucking boxing," right?

And all of a sudden, Julio César Chávez comes out,

who's arguably the greatest Mexican boxer of all time.

He looks into the camera and he goes,

"You only need one thing to be a great boxer.

It's called a heart."

And I'm like, "I'm Mexican and I got a fucking heart, dude.

I'm laying dudes out, man, I'm telling you."

Two weeks later, this kid lit me up so bad, dude.

I went home mad. I was like, "All right,

I'm not gonna say that Julio César Chávez is a liar,

but he definitely withheld some information, man.

There's a lot more to it than heart."

You know, and personally,

I blame the director of that documentary,

'cause as soon as Chávez said that shit about the heart,

I should've heard a voice off camera go,

"What about reflexes?"

That's a pretty fucking big part of it, man.

I don't know if you know this.

You know what it looks like when a really fast guy

throws a punch at you? It looks like this.

That's it.

That's all you see,

and magically, the side of your head starts to hurt.

I'm like, "What the fuck?

This is ridiculous."

I was born in Mexico.

We moved to the States when I was 7 years old.

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to join the army.

I had it in my head that I was gonna fight in a war,

and I don't know where it comes from,

but I believe maybe it was just something

left over from another lifetime.

So, when I got to high school,

the only thing I wanted to do was do the ROTC program.

When I was a senior, 9/11 happened,

and the teacher rolled in those TVs that are on wheelers,

and he said, "Guys, this is what's happening right now."

I was standing in the back watching the footage

and saw the airplanes going into the building,

and I remember the first thing that I thought was,

"Oh, my God, we're going to war."

I mean, I was an 18-year-old boy.

That's the only thing that went through my head, really,

that I wanted to fight.

My name is Raul Sanchez,

and I am a former illegal immigrant.

That's right, yes.

And I was also in the United States Army

for four years, so yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah. Talk about taking American jobs, huh?

[ Laughter ]

There wasn't a big line for that one, I'll tell you that much.

One question that I always had trouble answering

was when people would come up to me like,

"Hey, Raul, how did that feel, being illegal?

How did that feel?"

Like, I don't know, dude, I was 7.

And I'm pretty sure that illegal is not something

that you can feel, you know?

You don't go up to somebody at work and be like,

"Hey, man, are you feeling okay? You look a little tired."

They're like, "Actually, I woke up feeling

illegal this morning."

You know how it is when you drink too much.

The next thing, your head feels undocumented as fuck.

Terrible feeling, that undocumented feeling.

When people find this out about me,

they always want to talk to me about

illegal immigration politics,

and they find out that I don't give a shit.

They almost get offended. They're like, "What?!

Raul, these are the issues that we're discussing as a society.

You out of all people should know that."

It's like, "Dude, I dropped out of community college

after three weeks.

I should not be discussing anything."

That's the problem in this country.

We don't go to smart people with educations

and degrees on the subject.

We just ask each other.

It's like, "Hey, Greg, you've mailed a letter before.

What do you think about the Supreme Court Justices'

decision last week?"

"I think they're a bunch of pussies!

That's what I think!"

Dude, if your opinion on the government

is also something that you yell at a football game,

it's not a good one.

Here's the thing, I don't even have opinions

on illegal immigration. I just have a hope,

and my hope is that one day illegal immigration

gets treated with the same dignity as drinking and driving.

Yeah, because in both cases,

you are breaking the laws of the United States government.

I just wish that both of them got treated

like drinking and driving, you know?

If I get caught, I get what I deserve.

If I don't, I get Jack In The Box

and you leave me the fuck alone.

Nobody got hurt.

I made it to a house in America.

As long as you're happy, you know?

As long as you find happiness.

And I've heard people say, "If you want to find

true happiness in life,

what you have to do is you have to find something

that you love to do and do that for a living."

And that's how you find true happiness.

But I don't believe that shit, though.

You don't have to have a great job to be happy.

You don't have to have that perfect job

that you've always wanted since you were a kid.

Dude, all you got to do in this life

to be happy with who you are and what you do

is find a job where you can steal things.

Steal things from work.

Any time you feel shitty about your life

and what you do for a living, steal something from work.

And if you go, "Well, I work at McDonald's.

I feel like shit every day," steal something every day.

And don't just steal the same thing.

Steal something different every time.

So if you've worked at McDonald's for four years,

you should've already built another one in your backyard.

And now you're self-employed.

[ Laughter ]

When I first found out I was going to Afghanistan,

the captain of the training platoon came over

and he just started talking to us,

and he said, "Sit down."

Half of us went to this side of the conference table

and the other half went this.

This kid that I went through basic,

Dennis, sat on the other side and I sat on this side.

He said, "Charlie Company, Bravo Company."

And a couple of months while we're in Afghanistan,

Dennis got killed, and I remember thinking, like,

"That's what decided it?"

Like, just where we sat

decided what unit we were going to,

and it just so happens that he got put in one

that got in close contact with the enemy.

[ Clears throat ]

And they told us, yeah, that guys in Bravo Company

made contact, and...

Yeah, and then they listed the casualties, you know,

I guess in case somebody knows somebody.

You know, and they said it was -- it was Dennis.

I left the army because I was just too tired.

I was physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted.

After the army, for four years,

I didn't know what I was gonna do.

I was a janitor, a cash register guy,

and I was getting depressed a lot,

and one day, I was driving

and I was crying with anxiety,

and I remember seeing the "Laugh Out Loud" sign.

It's a comedy club in San Antonio.

And I thought, "I guess I could use a laugh, right?"

So I went, and there was something in the air.

I could feel it.

If somebody crushed, there was something left in the air

when people were laughing,

and it was like a Pentecostal church,

and it happened to be open mike night.

I didn't go up that night, but I remember I wrote

for a whole week till the next Tuesday,

and I started there and I never stopped after that.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's crazy, man. I was airborne infantry, man.

I used to jump out of airplanes and shit.

That was fucking scary, man,

'cause I'm a little dude, you know?

Like, every time I jumped out, it took me, like, three times

longer than everybody to get to the ground.

Like, at one point, the parachute was beneath me.

I was like, "What the fuck?"

Parachute is using me to lower itself safely to the ground.

[ Laughter ]

I was in the army, man.

I went to visit a friend of mine back in Virginia, man.

He was my squad leader in Iraq, man,

and we were just bullshitting the whole time

talking about old stories, and he told me this one

I'd completely forgotten about, man.

We used to do this exercise called EPW and search exercises

where we got to practice searching a body, right,

of an enemy to make sure, you know, there's no intel

or it's got booby traps on it, right?

And what happens is you get paired up with somebody,

and one of you plays dead and the other one

has to search through the pockets and everything.

And my friend Lin, he was a private at the time.

He got set up with a sergeant,

and he was gonna play the dead body,

Lin was, and you know what this dude --

this motherfucker cut a hole in his pocket

and stuck his dick through it, knowing full well

that a sergeant in the United States Army

was about to go through his pockets, right?

And the sergeant starts going through this,

and he's all into it, like, "I'm searching the body,

and now I'm recovering this,"

yeah, and he starts patting -- You got to start from the top.

And he starts patting and he's working his way down,

and we're all just grabbing each other like...

You start seeing Lin's chest, like,

bouncing up, like, trying to hold his laughter

'cause he knows what's about to happen.

Finally, the sergeant gets to the dick pocket, right?

And he puts his hand in it

and he just starts, like, "What the fuck?

What, do you have gum in here, man?

What the fuck is this?"

And then Lin tells me, "Dude, at some point,

I was just trying not to get hard," 'cause...

'cause he wasn't trying to jack him off,

but that is what he was doing.

And then finally, the sergeant just goes,

"Hey, man, what the fuck do you have in your pocket?"

And then Lin just opens his eyes and goes,

"It's my dick, sergeant."

He's like, "Aaaaah!"

He took his hand --

It looked like it was disintegrating like a vampire.

He's like, "Aah!"

He smoked the piss out of Lin, man.

He had him doing, like, lunges and push ups.

Lin was soaking wet after 30 minutes,

but every time the sergeant would look away,

Lin would look at us and be like,

"Ah, he touched my dick, didn't he?"

One time we went to Iraq, right, and we got in a firefight,

and what happened was we pushed the enemy up against

the Euphrates river, right, but we were in a palm grove,

so there was a lot of palms, there was a lot of brush.

We couldn't see anything.

And the shooting is going back and forth,

and all of a sudden,

I hear somebody calling me to throw a grenade.

They're like, "Sergeant Sanchez, throw a grenade!"

And I'm like, "What?"

"Throw a grenade!" I was like, "Are you sure?

'Cause there's a lot of trees, man.

That shit could bounce back and hit us."

He's like, "Just throw the fucking grenade!"

I was like, "Goddamn it."

So I grab the grenade and I pull the pin.

I get up on a knee and I chuck it as hard as I can,

and then I get down for the explosion,

and all I hear is [Bloops]

And then somebody yells at me.

He's like, "Damn it, Sanchez! You threw it too far!

It landed in the fucking river!"

And I was like, "Well, don't yell at me.

Like, we're on the same team."

"Don't focus on the negative shit, you know?"

Like, "At least now we know

they're not in the fucking river," you know?

But I think the reason I threw it so hard was

'cause I was overcompensating, you know?

'Cause when I was in high school,

I was on the baseball team for two days.

'Cause that's how long it took me to find out

that I threw like a bitch, right?

So it's no surprise to me when I got to basic training

and all the drill sergeants were yelling at me,

they're like, "Damn it, Sanchez, why can't you throw a grenade?

It's just like throwing a baseball!"

I was like, "I know, it's fucking difficult.

Plus, it's heavy, man. It's made out of metal.

I didn't know this was made out of metal."

He's like, "Of course it's made out of metal!

It's supposed to kill people." I was like,

"Well, you can catch more flies with honey, drill sergeant."

I thought wouldn't that be great

if that's how a grenade actually worked, right?

Like, you throw a grenade and a bunch of honey goes everywhere.

And it actually works. Like, the enemy's like,

"Well, I want to keep fighting, but I'm so sticky.

Ugh. My neck keeps doing the thing

where where it sticks to your shoulder.

I'm gonna go wash off in the river."

They're like, "Oh, don't go in the river.

They're throwing grenades in the river.

That's how they get you.

Honey grenade, river grenade, you know?"

After a while, I think the enemy started knowing

when it was me throwing the grenade

every time it landed short, you know,

'cause they started doing that little league thing.

They're like, "All right, everybody, bring it in.

Look who's coming up."

Hey, guys, I got to get out of here, man.

Thank you so much.

I appreciate you guys.

Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: One more time, Raul Sanchez!

Sanchez: I suppose the way I can find the humor

about things like being in a firefight

or just being in the army

is that that's what we did on our off time

in Iraq and Afghanistan.

There was nothing sacred.

The humor has to be amped up to a higher degree

for us to find it funny.

You can't just talk about, you know, goofy things.

That's not gonna make us laugh

because we could die the next day.

I don't know if comedy's a therapy for me now.

Maybe it could've started off that way, but now I just --

I love it.

When I go up on stage, it's like I'm about to jump out again.

I feel that tug,

and it's just a peaceful landing the whole way through.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it!