Original subtitles

[ Laughter ]

Ott: ...folk music, and I hate it.

That's when I go all Portland edgy.

Mom was a hippie, man. It was kind of cool growing up.

Like, she's a great lady, but,

you know, there's this weird stuff

that leaves you a lot of questions.

Like, I was a home birth. I was born at home.

I was a home birth, but then it dawned on me recently

that, like, I'm also circumcised, so...what?!

[ Laughter ]

What? Who did this?

♪♪

Thanks for coming out. [ Chuckles ]

Thank you. Thank you.

What happened?

Did you use your good weed-trimming scissors, Mom?

Like, how did this...?

Used the sharp edge of a tarot card?

Like, how did this go down?

Did you just spin a dream catcher around

until it popped off like a Doberman's tail?

[ Laughter ]

Come here and give me a hug.

Love you.

Ah.

I can't wait.

Thank you.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Okay. Bye.

-Kill it. -Thank you.

I'm Zainab Johnson.

I've been doing stand-up for eight years.

When I first step onstage,

the audience needs at least like five seconds

just to, like, adjust

to what they're physically seeing.

The beauty in stand-up comedy

is that when you exist on the stage by yourself,

you create whatever it is that you are.

And then people actually love it.

But then they try and take what they love about you

and fit you into a box that's already, like, predetermined.

And it's, like, the very thing that you loved about me

was that I wasn't in a box,

so why are you trying to put me in the box?

I am not going in the box.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: Oh, my God. This show is amazing!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

She graced the stage here at the All Jane Comedy Festival

last year, and she was just incredible.

You guys are in for such a treat.

Put your hands together for the amazing

Zainab Johnson, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, Portland!

Hey, black man.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

You know when you go to certain places, like, I'm not --

I grew up in New York, I live in L.A.

Like, when I get off planes certain places,

I just have to check, right?

I have to check and see if we're there.

I don't even need for another black person to speak to me.

I just need, like a simp--

Thankfully, for me, though, Portland is safe.

Portland is safe. So, so white.

You guys are really white. Um...

Like, white and happy, that's the best type of white people.

Happy white people? Oh.

[ Laughter ]

You could do anything, but a happy white girl

won't ever call the cops on you.

Um, you guys have the most

"Black Lives Matter" signs I've ever seen.

I'm like, "Where are they ordering from, Amazon?"

Like, "Where are they...?

They buying these shits in bulk.

They are everywhere."

Like, I saw a house that had "Black Lives" in every window.

I'm like, "Now I don't believe you."

Like, that's overkill.

Stop it.

I was downtown today -- downtown Portland.

Saw this white guy,

young, white guy, panhandler,

had the street sign, and the sign said, um,

"Your capitalism is the reason this happened."

And I was like,

"No, sir.

[ Chuckles ]

Yourcapitalism."

[ Laughter ]

I was looking at him like, "Who he steal that sign from?"

[ Laughter ]

I've been on the road a lot, like,

I travel a lot as a comedian.

I was just in Sacramento, um, and I think I got MeToo'd.

Um, I like how I casually say it, right?

I said it like, "I think I had lobster."

Um, I don't know. You guys can tell me.

You decide, like, on a scale from, like, zero to Weinstein.

[ Laughter ]

And I've never -- I don't --

Like, I'm not looking to be MeToo'd, at all.

That's a terrible thing, right? We can agree to that.

I'm not looking to be MeToo,

but I am looking to curse somebody out.

Like, I'm just waiting, like,

"Ooh, yeah, I know what I want to say."

You know how you prepare now, like,

"Ooh, I know what I'll do if it happens."

Even, like, I'm looking for the scenario,

like, scenarios that might not even be

a MeToo scenario, like my Uber driver.

He grabbed my luggage, he said,

"Zainab, let me get that for you."

I was like..."

Is this motherfucker trying to MeToo me?"

[ Laughter ]

I don't know. I don't know.

He said, "No, I'm just being chivalrous."

I said, "Oh! Well, you walking a fine line."

[ Laughter ]

I don't know why I started sounding

like a small-town sheriff.

I said, "Oh, you walking a fine line there, boy!"

[ Laughter ]

He was a senior citizen. I had no right to call him boy.

[ Laughter ]

So I'm checking in my hotel in Sacramento,

and I hear this voice.

The voice was like, "Gal, I got a question for you.

How tall is you, gal?"

Now, normally, when I hear that voice,

I'm in close proximity to a plantation.

So, I turned around with caution.

I was like, "5'11"."

He said, "Ooh,

I bet everything on you looks like a little black dress."

[ Audience murmurs ]Woman: Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I said, "Did this motherfucker just MeToo me?"

[ Laughter ]

And, now, I'm logical.

That man probably thought

he was just giving me a compliment, right?

And the reality is the same thing

from two very different people

can be taken two very different ways, right?

A cute guy could say anything to me.

Like, not anything, but some cute guy.

Cute guy's like, "Zainab, what are you doing?

I want to take you out." I'm like, "I don't know,

I'm free whenever."

Right?

Not-cute guy --

"Zainab, what are you doing? I would like to take you out."

"Do I look like I have time to go places?"

[ Laughter ]

"Do I look like I don't have goals and dreams

and ambition and a job?"

[ Laughter ]

Cute guy --

"Well, you know, how about Thursday?"

I'm like, "Oh, I got a meeting Thursday, but I'll cancel it."

[ Laughter ]

Not-cute guy --

"Well, uh, maybe a Thursday?"

"I am busy every Thursday!"

"Every Thursday?"

"Every Thursday until I retire, I am busy!"

"No means no!"

Are you trying to MeToo --

[ Laughter ]

I couldn't even get it out.

[ Laughter ]

I was raised Muslim.

My parents were born Christian,

and, apart from one another, they converted.

My mom was like a hippie, you know?

Like, she believed it, but I think it was also, like,

maybe a phase that she didn't know if it would continue.

But my dad converted under the nation of Islam,

which is very militant, very black, very strong,

very male-dominated,

and when him and my mom got married,

she had to fall in line.

Me and my sisters, we all had to wear,

like, you know, dresses over pants,

we had to wear, like, full hijab.

We were always covered up.

I wasn't allowed to, like, go to a sleepover or participate

in certain things that my friends were able to do

just because, religiously, it wasn't how we practiced.

I took my dad very serious. I took him very serious.

We were taught, "You obey your parents.

You don't talk back to your parents.

You show respect to your parents."

But I always wanted to be heard.

I'm one of 13.

Same mother, same father, seven brothers,

five sisters, four older than me,

eight are younger than me, one set of twins.

I like most of them.

Um, I love them all,

but one or two... grind my gears.

I used to have a shaved head.

I had a shaved head for seven years.

That was great. I was never late anywhere.

It gave the wrong message, too.

Like, women were inspired by me.

Women felt like I put the female revolution on my back.

Women were like, "Wow, you must feel so free,

so spiritually lifted."

I was like, "It was Tuesday.

I didn't feel like doing my hair, so I shaved it off."

[ Laughter ]

Then I started growing it back.

Same thing happened. No rhyme or reason.

I just started growing it back seven years later,

and everybody said, "Zainab, why are you growing your hair back?

Why are you growing it back? Don't grow it back.

The shaved head is your signature look."

I was like, "Listen, I'm just trying not to be mistaken

for an unarmed black man, okay?"

[ Scattered laughter, groaning ]

Oh, yeah. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Yes!

If that's hard for y'all, it's gonna get way worse.

[ Laughter ]

I like how you knew where I was going already.

He put his head down before I finished the sentence.

I was like, "...unarmed..." He said, "Mnh."

My one friend was like, "Zainab, I didn't know

your hair grew like that."

I was like, "Like what?"

I tried to lead her down a racism trap.

[ Laughter ]

I said, "How does my hair grow?"

She was like, "You know, it's tight and coarse."

I said, "Oh, no, that's the misconception.

My hair grows very straight.

Then I walk out into the world,

and oppression makes it tight and coarse."

[ Laughter ]

We're not friends anymore.

We aren't friends.

When I -- When I grew my hair back,

I thought that my younger brother was gonna be happy,

'cause he hated when I had a shaved head.

Like, my little brother's like a New York,

like, hood, you know, like, "Yo, what's..."

Everything he say to you look like a hot 16,

"Yo, what's..."

[ Laughter ]

Everything he says, looks like he's pointing

with imaginary guns, like...

[ Laughter ]

And he likes to say everything is trash,

and when he saw, like, my shaved head...

[ Laughter ]

Oh, is that a thing that black men say?

He always said it to me, like, when everybody --

Listen, I had a shaved head, people were like,

"Oh, my God. You're so gorgeous. You're so gorgeous."

My little brother was like, "That shit is trash."

[ Laughter ]

"That..."

"That's a fa--" [ Chuckles ]

He always followed it with, "That's a fact."

Like, if you didn't believe

what he just said was trash, "It's trash."

Like, "That's a fact," it makes it true.

[ Laughter ]

One day, he called me, I was in my car, he was like,

"Zainab, what, like, what are you doing?"

And I was like, "I'm in my car."

He was like, "Drive down to the city dump

and stick your head in, 'cause that shit is trash."

[ Laughter ]

"It's a fact."

He say it like he mad ain't nobody else

telling me like, "That's a fact.

I'm telling you, that's a fact."

This is when I knew I had to draw the line.

My younger sister had a baby.

Everybody goes to see the baby.

We're saying everything you say to a newborn baby, right?

We're like, "Oh, the baby is so cute.

Oh, the baby has your eyes.

Wow, you pushed out a 9-pound baby?"

My little brother walked in the room,

looked at the baby,

and was like,

"That baby trash.

That..."

He pointed at the baby like it was a crime scene.

He was like, "That -- That's a fact.

That baby trash."

And like...

"It's trash."

[ Chuckles ]

My mom, you know what?

She raised me to be strong and proud,

and I think that's what she tried to gift me with.

Like, my mom, she had 13 kids.

Um, she raised us Muslim.

I am Muslim. I know I'm underdressed.

Um...

I am, though.

Like, I practice, you know, I-I fast during Ramadan.

I love fasting during Ramadan.

My skin looks amazing.

I know it looks great now, but during Ramadan...

This woman stopped me during Ramadan

and was like, "What do you use on your skin?"

I was like, "God."

[ Laughter ]

"You should try."

My mom did have 13 kids.

You know what, when I was in like second grade,

my mom had kid number 10,

and I was like, "This has got to stop."

I asked her to get her tubes tied when I was in second grade.

I have no idea how I found out

about tube tying in second grade.

There was no Google when I was in second grade.

None, whatso-- I don't know if I was so fed up,

I sat in front of a bunch of encyclopedias

and was like, "There has to be an answer."

[ Laughter ]

I don't know how I found out, but when I did, I was like,

"Oh, shit, there's a solution."

I ran home, I said to my mom, I was like,

"Ma, get your tubes tied." That hurt her feelings.

When I hurt my mom's feelings, she always says,

"Zainab, you took my body."

She breast-fed me till I was 2 years old,

so that's her shit, "You took my body."

I feel like the only 2-year-old rapist.

"You took my body."

Am I trying to MeToo her? Um...

[ Laughter ]

I am my mom's fifth child.

After number four, my mom actually had a miscarriage.

She had a miscarriage, um, and the doctor said,

"You can't have any more children."

And then my mom had me, kid number five.

Special kid.

Then eight more after me.

[ Laughter ]

I feel like, after like six or seven,

she was just trying to prove a point to the doctor like,

"Just admit it!

Just -- You didn't know!"

I don't know why this is giving birth.

There's 13 of us. Somebody should be gay, right?

Statistically.

They say one in every five Americans is gay.

There's 13 of us. We should have two.

We have no idea who it is.

We are waiting patiently by the closet.

Who's gonna come out?

My younger brother was a good suspect.

He was really good for it.

He just did things different when we were younger.

When he was, you know, 8 years old,

he just decided to be a vegan.

We were like, "He's definitely the gay one."

We justified it. We were like, "It makes sense.

He's giving up meat now so he can have all the meat later."

[ Laughter ]

I stole his journal, 'cause I was like,

"I'ma crack this case.

I'ma crack this case."

I was like, "The information is in there.

All that we got to do is find it out."

I'll invite him out the closet, right?

I'm reading his journal, come to find out

he's in love with this girl.

So, I'm like, "What the fuck?" I'm pissed.

I run out the bathroom, I'm like, "What is this?"

He said, "Zainab, you read my journal?"

I was like, "You're not gay?

You have a journal."

[ Laughter ]

I started playing basketball when I was in middle school.

Once I started playing basketball,

I felt like I was in the right place.

In my house, I'm just one of the kids, you know?

But when I was on the basketball team,

I had, like, a say.

I really thought I was going to the WNBA.

My senior year of high school, I got hit by a truck.

I did like, I don't know, like 12 surgeries,

like a bunch of transfusions, had to learn how to walk again.

That was the end of basketball for me.

I went to college and I didn't know what I wanted to do.

And my dad died around the same time.

My dad had diabetes, and he had a heart attack.

He was on a date with my mom, and they were in a taxi,

and my mom, she said she had to give him, like --

she tried to, like, resuscitate him, like,

mouth-to-mouth, and I'm like...

It's so sad.

If he could choose where he was gonna pass away, like,

in my mom's arms, like, that was his person, you know?

When my dad passed away, everything became so present,

like, "Don't -- No regrets, no regrets, no regrets."

And I moved to L.A.

And I was trying to f--

Ugh. Just wandering.

And I went to an open mic. It was close to my house.

I was like, "If it goes well, great.

If it doesn't, I'm so close to my house,

nobody will ever know about it."

And I went up, and people laughed.

Certain things just feel right.

When I started doing stand-up, it just felt right.

It felt like when I started playing basketball.

It was like, "Oh, this feels right."

[ Laughter ]

Now's a good time in the show to tell you guys

I am not as woke as I look.

Um, I look like I boycott for fun.

Um...

Which I do. I mean, a little bit.

I look like --

I look like, "Zainab, what are you doing tonight?"

"Figuring out a bunch of corporations

I cannot patronize!"

[ Laughter ]

I think it has to do with my af--

Like, I-I'm a New Yorker. I wear all black.

It's just what we do.

But I also have the afro, and the afro, like --

the afro puts it over the top.

But sometimes I just want to twerk.

[ Laughter ]

Right?

Sometimes I just want to...

face down, ass up.[ Laughter ]

I actually can't twerk. I got a good twerk face, though.

I got a really good twerk face, like a great --

I'll show you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Ain't shit happenin' back there.

I want to twerk sometimes. I want to twerk, but you can't.

You can't with an afro. You can't.

If all the girls in the club start twerking,

I'm supposed to walk in with my afro and be like,

"Sister, no.

Rise up.

The man has kept us down for far too long."

You know how hard it is to be a ho with an afro?

It's hard. I send late-night texts to guys, like booty calls.

I'm like, "Hey, you up?"

They're like, "Yeah, Z, did somebody get shot?

Is there a march?" I'm like, "Mnh!"

[ Laughter ]

"No, I'm just trying to fuck."

They're like, "Fuck up the man, right?"

Mnh!

[ Laughter ]

This afro's cock-blocking.

[ Laughter ]

I do like my afro, though.

It's just -- It's just responsibility, you know?

This -- This whole look says, "Strong, black woman."

People see me, they're like, "She reads books, you know?"

It don't let me see the movies I want to see.

It doesn't. I got to see the black movies.

I do.

Sometimes I just want to see

a romantic comedy, you know,

something fun and goofy.

I found this out. I didn't even know.

I didn't know I had this responsibility.

I went to see "Bridget Jones's Baby."

Right? Was I the only one?

I wanted to know.

Who's the daddy?

Went to the movie theater.

Before I could purchase the ticket,

black girl I know walks up to me and was like,

"Zainab, you here to see 'Birth of a Nation'?"

I was like...

"Yeah."

[ Laughter ]

It's the worst thing, when you wake up to go

to a Saturday matinee.

I had snacks ready to sneak in.

I'm thinking I'm gonna watch a romantic comedy,

some goofy British shit, and instead,

I got to watch 2 1/2 hours of slavery?

Ugh!

And slavery movies are --

slavery movies are normally good.

They're normally good.

The thing is, every time I go to see people

who look like me on screen,

I don't want to have to see it in the life of a slave.

I don't want to see that.

Sometimes I just want to see --

I want to see two black people in love, right?

I had to see the slavery movie, though.

Had to see the slavery movie.

I go in, and it was sold out.

It was all white people...

and me.

It's like they saved me a seat.

Right in the middle.

And I was looking for the girl that asked me

if I was gonna see it.

She was nowhere to be found.

I said, "That bitch is watching 'Bridget Jones's Baby.'"

[ Laughter ]

Watched the movie. Oof.

It's a hard movie, but I did learn something.

Learned something really important.

I was like, "You know, never again

am I gonna allow a guy to not return my text."

I'll explain.

Nat Turner, he was a slave,

he snuck out of his house at midnight,

knowing he could be shot or hung from a tree,

just to lay eyes on the woman he loves.

And you can't return my text?

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ] Right? It's like --

It made me think about all the slave movies I've ever seen,

and I'm like, "Wow, slaves, they were willing to lose feet

just to kiss another slave woman

that hasn't had ChapStick in eight years."

[ Laughter ]

"And you can't reach in your pocket

and use your non-cotton-picking fingers to text me back?"

[ Laughter ]

And here's the thing.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

You got to be careful when you go to a movie, right?

'Cause certain entertainment can change

the way you feel about something.

It could fuck up your whole day, right?

Like, I like white people.

I shouldn't even have to say that I like white people.

But after I see a slave movie, I don't like white people.

I don't. And I know.

I'm logical. I know it's not your fault.

Sir,

I know it's not your fault.

But you look like...

whose fault it is.

You do.

Some movies -- Some movies, black movies,

they -- you just got to be careful

'cause they put you in a certain, like, mind-set.

You know, like, oh, I saw, um, "I Am Not Your Negro."

You guys familiar? "I Am Not Your Negro,"

documentary, James Baldwin, American novelist, right?

He talked about, uh, race in modern America.

It was fucking amazing, okay?

But made me too woke.

I was too strong.

That became my slogan

anywhere and everywhere for like two weeks.

I was in Target. This guy gave me a compliment.

He said, "Ma'am, do you know you are beautiful?"

I said, "Let me tell you what I'm not."

[ Laughter ]

"Your Negro.

Are you trying to MeToo me?"

[ Laughter ]

I'm Zainab, you guys. Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Emcee: Give it up for Zainab Johnson, you guys!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Johnson: Stand-up, for me, is liberating.

I'm just up there alone,

and it's scary and it's exciting.

-You were so good. -Thank you.

You are so amazing.

I just want to tell my story, whatever that story is that day,

whether it's about my family, whether it's about me

as a woman dating in the world,

whether it's me as a black woman in the world.

As much as I enjoy comedians that just say funny shit,

that's not me.

If you want to be heard,

you got to say something that's valuable.

Women of color are so underrepresented

that when one of us gains

any sort of, like, popularity,

the rest of us are almost forced to fit into that box

to even get an eye.

People think that "black woman" is like a monolith,

and it's not.

And I hope that audiences realize

I am never what you expect me to be.

My mom told me -- she tells me often

that my dad would be proud of me.

I have no idea how he would respond.

But I hope he's proud. I hope he is.

♪♪

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Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it!