All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e01_English

[ Laughter ]

Ott:
...folk music, and I hate it.

That's when I go
all Portland edgy.

Mom was a hippie, man.
It was kind of cool growing up.

Like, she's a great lady, but,

you know,
there's this weird stuff

that leaves you
a lot of questions.

Like, I was a home birth.
I was born at home.

I was a home birth, but then
it dawned on me recently

that, like, I'm also
circumcised, so...what?!

[ Laughter ]

What?
Who did this?

♪♪

Thanks for coming out.
[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.
Thank you.

What happened?

Did you use your good
weed-trimming scissors, Mom?

Like, how did this...?

Used the sharp edge
of a tarot card?

Like, how did this go down?

Did you just spin
a dream catcher around

until it popped off
like a Doberman's tail?

[ Laughter ]

Come here
and give me a hug.

Love you.

Ah.

I can't wait.

Thank you.

Okay.
I'll see you later.

Okay. Bye.

-Kill it.
-Thank you.

I'm Zainab Johnson.

I've been doing stand-up
for eight years.

When I first step onstage,

the audience needs at least
like five seconds

just to, like, adjust

to what they're
physically seeing.

The beauty in stand-up comedy

is that when you exist
on the stage by yourself,

you create whatever it is
that you are.

And then people
actually love it.

But then they try and take
what they love about you

and fit you into a box that's
already, like, predetermined.

And it's, like, the very thing
that you loved about me

was that I wasn't in a box,

so why are you trying
to put me in the box?

I am not going in the box.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emcee: Oh, my God.
This show is amazing!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

She graced the stage here
at the All Jane Comedy Festival

last year,
and she was just incredible.

You guys are in
for such a treat.

Put your hands together
for the amazing

Zainab Johnson, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, Portland!

Hey, black man.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

You know when you go to certain
places, like, I'm not --

I grew up in New York,
I live in L.A.

Like, when I get off planes
certain places,

I just have to check, right?

I have to check and see
if we're there.

I don't even need for another
black person to speak to me.

I just need, like a simp--

Thankfully, for me, though,
Portland is safe.

Portland is safe.
So, so white.

You guys are really white.
Um...

Like, white and happy, that's
the best type of white people.

Happy white people?
Oh.

[ Laughter ]

You could do anything,
but a happy white girl

won't ever call the cops on you.

Um, you guys have the most

"Black Lives Matter"
signs I've ever seen.

I'm like, "Where are they
ordering from, Amazon?"

Like, "Where are they...?

They buying these shits
in bulk.

They are everywhere."

Like, I saw a house that had
"Black Lives" in every window.

I'm like, "Now I don't
believe you."

Like, that's overkill.

Stop it.

I was downtown today --
downtown Portland.

Saw this white guy,

young, white guy, panhandler,

had the street sign,
and the sign said, um,

"Your capitalism is
the reason this happened."

And I was like,

"No, sir.

[ Chuckles ]

Yourcapitalism."

[ Laughter ]

I was looking at him like,
"Who he steal that sign from?"

[ Laughter ]

I've been on the road a lot,
like,

I travel a lot as a comedian.

I was just in Sacramento, um,
and I think I got MeToo'd.

Um, I like how I casually
say it, right?

I said it like,
"I think I had lobster."

Um, I don't know.
You guys can tell me.

You decide, like, on a scale
from, like, zero to Weinstein.

[ Laughter ]

And I've never -- I don't --

Like, I'm not looking to be
MeToo'd, at all.

That's a terrible thing, right?
We can agree to that.

I'm not looking to be MeToo,

but I am looking to curse
somebody out.

Like, I'm just waiting, like,

"Ooh, yeah,
I know what I want to say."

You know how you prepare now,
like,

"Ooh, I know what I'll do
if it happens."

Even, like, I'm looking
for the scenario,

like, scenarios
that might not even be

a MeToo scenario,
like my Uber driver.

He grabbed my luggage, he said,

"Zainab, let me
get that for you."

I was like..."

Is this motherfucker
trying to MeToo me?"

[ Laughter ]

I don't know.
I don't know.

He said, "No, I'm just
being chivalrous."

I said, "Oh!
Well, you walking a fine line."

[ Laughter ]

I don't know why I started
sounding

like a small-town sheriff.

I said, "Oh, you walking
a fine line there, boy!"

[ Laughter ]

He was a senior citizen.
I had no right to call him boy.

[ Laughter ]

So I'm checking in my hotel
in Sacramento,

and I hear this voice.

The voice was like,
"Gal, I got a question for you.

How tall is you, gal?"

Now, normally,
when I hear that voice,

I'm in close proximity
to a plantation.

So, I turned around
with caution.

I was like, "5'11"."

He said, "Ooh,

I bet everything on you looks
like a little black dress."

[ Audience murmurs ]Woman: Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I said, "Did this motherfucker
just MeToo me?"

[ Laughter ]

And, now, I'm logical.

That man probably thought

he was just giving me
a compliment, right?

And the reality is
the same thing

from two very different people

can be taken
two very different ways, right?

A cute guy could say
anything to me.

Like, not anything,
but some cute guy.

Cute guy's like,
"Zainab, what are you doing?

I want to take you out."
I'm like, "I don't know,

I'm free whenever."

Right?

Not-cute guy --

"Zainab, what are you doing?
I would like to take you out."

"Do I look like I have time
to go places?"

[ Laughter ]

"Do I look like I don't have
goals and dreams

and ambition and a job?"

[ Laughter ]

Cute guy --

"Well, you know,
how about Thursday?"

I'm like, "Oh, I got a meeting
Thursday, but I'll cancel it."

[ Laughter ]

Not-cute guy --

"Well, uh, maybe a Thursday?"

"I am busy every Thursday!"

"Every Thursday?"

"Every Thursday until I retire,
I am busy!"

"No means no!"

Are you trying to MeToo --

[ Laughter ]

I couldn't even get it out.

[ Laughter ]

I was raised Muslim.

My parents were born Christian,

and, apart from one another,
they converted.

My mom was like a hippie,
you know?

Like, she believed it,
but I think it was also, like,

maybe a phase that she didn't
know if it would continue.

But my dad converted
under the nation of Islam,

which is very militant,
very black, very strong,

very male-dominated,

and when him and my mom
got married,

she had to fall in line.

Me and my sisters,
we all had to wear,

like, you know,
dresses over pants,

we had to wear,
like, full hijab.

We were always covered up.

I wasn't allowed to, like,
go to a sleepover or participate

in certain things
that my friends were able to do

just because, religiously,
it wasn't how we practiced.

I took my dad very serious.
I took him very serious.

We were taught,
"You obey your parents.

You don't talk back
to your parents.

You show respect
to your parents."

But I always wanted to be heard.

I'm one of 13.

Same mother, same father,
seven brothers,

five sisters,
four older than me,

eight are younger than me,
one set of twins.

I like most of them.

Um, I love them all,

but one or two...
grind my gears.

I used to have a shaved head.

I had a shaved head
for seven years.

That was great.
I was never late anywhere.

It gave the wrong message, too.

Like, women were inspired
by me.

Women felt like I put the
female revolution on my back.

Women were like,
"Wow, you must feel so free,

so spiritually lifted."

I was like, "It was Tuesday.

I didn't feel like doing my
hair, so I shaved it off."

[ Laughter ]

Then I started growing it back.

Same thing happened.
No rhyme or reason.

I just started growing it back
seven years later,

and everybody said, "Zainab, why
are you growing your hair back?

Why are you growing it back?
Don't grow it back.

The shaved head
is your signature look."

I was like, "Listen, I'm just
trying not to be mistaken

for an unarmed black man, okay?"

[ Scattered laughter, groaning ]

Oh, yeah.
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Yes!

If that's hard for y'all,
it's gonna get way worse.

[ Laughter ]

I like how you knew
where I was going already.

He put his head down
before I finished the sentence.

I was like, "...unarmed..."
He said, "Mnh."

My one friend was like,
"Zainab, I didn't know

your hair grew like that."

I was like, "Like what?"

I tried to lead her down
a racism trap.

[ Laughter ]

I said, "How does my hair grow?"

She was like, "You know,
it's tight and coarse."

I said, "Oh, no,
that's the misconception.

My hair grows very straight.

Then I walk out into the world,

and oppression
makes it tight and coarse."

[ Laughter ]

We're not friends anymore.

We aren't friends.

When I --
When I grew my hair back,

I thought that my younger
brother was gonna be happy,

'cause he hated
when I had a shaved head.

Like, my little brother's
like a New York,

like, hood, you know, like,
"Yo, what's..."

Everything he say to you look
like a hot 16,

"Yo, what's..."

[ Laughter ]

Everything he says,
looks like he's pointing

with imaginary guns, like...

[ Laughter ]

And he likes to say everything
is trash,

and when he saw,
like, my shaved head...

[ Laughter ]

Oh, is that a thing
that black men say?

He always said it to me, like,
when everybody --

Listen, I had a shaved head,
people were like,

"Oh, my God. You're so gorgeous.
You're so gorgeous."

My little brother was like,
"That shit is trash."

[ Laughter ]

"That..."

"That's a fa--"
[ Chuckles ]

He always followed it with,
"That's a fact."

Like, if you didn't believe

what he just said was trash,
"It's trash."

Like, "That's a fact,"
it makes it true.

[ Laughter ]

One day, he called me,
I was in my car, he was like,

"Zainab, what, like,
what are you doing?"

And I was like, "I'm in my car."

He was like, "Drive down
to the city dump

and stick your head in,
'cause that shit is trash."

[ Laughter ]

"It's a fact."

He say it like he mad
ain't nobody else

telling me like,
"That's a fact.

I'm telling you,
that's a fact."

This is when I knew
I had to draw the line.

My younger sister had a baby.

Everybody goes to see the baby.

We're saying everything you say
to a newborn baby, right?

We're like,
"Oh, the baby is so cute.

Oh, the baby has your eyes.

Wow, you pushed out
a 9-pound baby?"

My little brother walked
in the room,

looked at the baby,

and was like,

"That baby trash.

That..."

He pointed at the baby
like it was a crime scene.

He was like,
"That -- That's a fact.

That baby trash."

And like...

"It's trash."

[ Chuckles ]

My mom, you know what?

She raised me to be
strong and proud,

and I think that's what
she tried to gift me with.

Like, my mom, she had 13 kids.

Um, she raised us Muslim.

I am Muslim.
I know I'm underdressed.

Um...

I am, though.

Like, I practice, you know,
I-I fast during Ramadan.

I love fasting during Ramadan.

My skin looks amazing.

I know it looks great now,
but during Ramadan...

This woman stopped me
during Ramadan

and was like,
"What do you use on your skin?"

I was like, "God."

[ Laughter ]

"You should try."

My mom did have 13 kids.

You know what, when I was in
like second grade,

my mom had kid number 10,

and I was like,
"This has got to stop."

I asked her to get her tubes
tied when I was in second grade.

I have no idea how I found out

about tube tying
in second grade.

There was no Google
when I was in second grade.

None, whatso-- I don't know
if I was so fed up,

I sat in front of a bunch
of encyclopedias

and was like,
"There has to be an answer."

[ Laughter ]

I don't know how I found out,
but when I did, I was like,

"Oh, shit, there's a solution."

I ran home, I said to my mom,
I was like,

"Ma, get your tubes tied."
That hurt her feelings.

When I hurt my mom's feelings,
she always says,

"Zainab, you took my body."

She breast-fed me
till I was 2 years old,

so that's her shit,
"You took my body."

I feel like the only
2-year-old rapist.

"You took my body."

Am I trying to MeToo her?
Um...

[ Laughter ]

I am my mom's fifth child.

After number four, my mom
actually had a miscarriage.

She had a miscarriage, um,
and the doctor said,

"You can't have
any more children."

And then my mom had me,
kid number five.

Special kid.

Then eight more after me.

[ Laughter ]

I feel like, after like
six or seven,

she was just trying to prove
a point to the doctor like,

"Just admit it!

Just -- You didn't know!"

I don't know why this is
giving birth.

There's 13 of us.
Somebody should be gay, right?

Statistically.

They say one in
every five Americans is gay.

There's 13 of us.
We should have two.

We have no idea who it is.

We are waiting patiently
by the closet.

Who's gonna come out?

My younger brother
was a good suspect.

He was really good for it.

He just did things different
when we were younger.

When he was, you know,
8 years old,

he just decided to be a vegan.

We were like,
"He's definitely the gay one."

We justified it. We were like,
"It makes sense.

He's giving up meat now so he
can have all the meat later."

[ Laughter ]

I stole his journal,
'cause I was like,

"I'ma crack this case.

I'ma crack this case."

I was like, "The information
is in there.

All that we got to do
is find it out."

I'll invite him out the closet,
right?

I'm reading his journal,
come to find out

he's in love with this girl.

So, I'm like, "What the fuck?"
I'm pissed.

I run out the bathroom,
I'm like, "What is this?"

He said, "Zainab,
you read my journal?"

I was like, "You're not gay?

You have a journal."

[ Laughter ]

I started playing basketball
when I was in middle school.

Once I started playing
basketball,

I felt like
I was in the right place.

In my house, I'm just
one of the kids, you know?

But when I was
on the basketball team,

I had, like, a say.

I really thought I was
going to the WNBA.

My senior year of high school,
I got hit by a truck.

I did like, I don't know,
like 12 surgeries,

like a bunch of transfusions,
had to learn how to walk again.

That was the end of basketball
for me.

I went to college and I didn't
know what I wanted to do.

And my dad died
around the same time.

My dad had diabetes,
and he had a heart attack.

He was on a date with my mom,
and they were in a taxi,

and my mom, she said
she had to give him, like --

she tried to, like,
resuscitate him, like,

mouth-to-mouth,
and I'm like...

It's so sad.

If he could choose where he was
gonna pass away, like,

in my mom's arms, like,
that was his person, you know?

When my dad passed away,
everything became so present,

like, "Don't -- No regrets,
no regrets, no regrets."

And I moved to L.A.

And I was trying to f--

Ugh.
Just wandering.

And I went to an open mic.
It was close to my house.

I was like, "If it goes well,
great.

If it doesn't,
I'm so close to my house,

nobody will ever know about it."

And I went up,
and people laughed.

Certain things just feel right.

When I started doing stand-up,
it just felt right.

It felt like when I started
playing basketball.

It was like,
"Oh, this feels right."

[ Laughter ]

Now's a good time in the show
to tell you guys

I am not as woke as I look.

Um, I look like
I boycott for fun.

Um...

Which I do.
I mean, a little bit.

I look like --

I look like, "Zainab,
what are you doing tonight?"

"Figuring out
a bunch of corporations

I cannot patronize!"

[ Laughter ]

I think it has to do
with my af--

Like, I-I'm a New Yorker.
I wear all black.

It's just what we do.

But I also have the afro,
and the afro, like --

the afro puts it over the top.

But sometimes I just
want to twerk.

[ Laughter ]

Right?

Sometimes I just want to...

face down, ass up.[ Laughter ]

I actually can't twerk.
I got a good twerk face, though.

I got a really good twerk face,
like a great --

I'll show you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Ain't shit happenin' back there.

I want to twerk sometimes.
I want to twerk, but you can't.

You can't with an afro.
You can't.

If all the girls in the club
start twerking,

I'm supposed to walk in
with my afro and be like,

"Sister, no.

Rise up.

The man has kept us down
for far too long."

You know how hard it is
to be a ho with an afro?

It's hard. I send late-night
texts to guys, like booty calls.

I'm like, "Hey, you up?"

They're like, "Yeah, Z,
did somebody get shot?

Is there a march?"
I'm like, "Mnh!"

[ Laughter ]

"No, I'm just trying to fuck."

They're like,
"Fuck up the man, right?"

Mnh!

[ Laughter ]

This afro's cock-blocking.

[ Laughter ]

I do like my afro, though.

It's just -- It's just
responsibility, you know?

This -- This whole look says,
"Strong, black woman."

People see me, they're like,
"She reads books, you know?"

It don't let me see the movies
I want to see.

It doesn't.
I got to see the black movies.

I do.

Sometimes I just want to see

a romantic comedy, you know,

something fun and goofy.

I found this out.
I didn't even know.

I didn't know I had
this responsibility.

I went to see
"Bridget Jones's Baby."

Right?
Was I the only one?

I wanted to know.

Who's the daddy?

Went to the movie theater.

Before I could purchase
the ticket,

black girl I know walks up to me
and was like,

"Zainab, you here to see
'Birth of a Nation'?"

I was like...

"Yeah."

[ Laughter ]

It's the worst thing,
when you wake up to go

to a Saturday matinee.

I had snacks ready to sneak in.

I'm thinking I'm gonna watch
a romantic comedy,

some goofy British shit,
and instead,

I got to watch
2 1/2 hours of slavery?

Ugh!

And slavery movies are --

slavery movies
are normally good.

They're normally good.

The thing is, every time
I go to see people

who look like me on screen,

I don't want to have to see it
in the life of a slave.

I don't want to see that.

Sometimes
I just want to see --

I want to see two
black people in love, right?

I had to see the slavery movie,
though.

Had to see the slavery movie.

I go in, and it was sold out.

It was all white people...

and me.

It's like they saved me a seat.

Right in the middle.

And I was looking for the girl
that asked me

if I was gonna see it.

She was nowhere to be found.

I said, "That bitch is watching
'Bridget Jones's Baby.'"

[ Laughter ]

Watched the movie.
Oof.

It's a hard movie,
but I did learn something.

Learned something
really important.

I was like, "You know,
never again

am I gonna allow a guy
to not return my text."

I'll explain.

Nat Turner, he was a slave,

he snuck out of his house
at midnight,

knowing he could be shot
or hung from a tree,

just to lay eyes
on the woman he loves.

And you can't return my text?

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ] Right?
It's like --

It made me think about all
the slave movies I've ever seen,

and I'm like, "Wow, slaves,
they were willing to lose feet

just to kiss another slave woman

that hasn't had ChapStick
in eight years."

[ Laughter ]

"And you can't reach
in your pocket

and use your non-cotton-picking
fingers to text me back?"

[ Laughter ]

And here's the thing.

Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.

You got to be careful
when you go to a movie, right?

'Cause certain entertainment
can change

the way you feel
about something.

It could fuck up
your whole day, right?

Like, I like white people.

I shouldn't even have to say
that I like white people.

But after I see a slave movie,
I don't like white people.

I don't.
And I know.

I'm logical.
I know it's not your fault.

Sir,

I know it's not your fault.

But you look like...

whose fault it is.

You do.

Some movies -- Some movies,
black movies,

they -- you just got to be
careful

'cause they put you in
a certain, like, mind-set.

You know, like, oh, I saw, um,
"I Am Not Your Negro."

You guys familiar?
"I Am Not Your Negro,"

documentary, James Baldwin,
American novelist, right?

He talked about, uh,
race in modern America.

It was fucking amazing, okay?

But made me too woke.

I was too strong.

That became my slogan

anywhere and everywhere
for like two weeks.

I was in Target.
This guy gave me a compliment.

He said, "Ma'am, do you know
you are beautiful?"

I said, "Let me tell you
what I'm not."

[ Laughter ]

"Your Negro.

Are you trying to MeToo me?"

[ Laughter ]

I'm Zainab, you guys.
Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Emcee: Give it up for
Zainab Johnson, you guys!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Johnson:
Stand-up, for me, is liberating.

I'm just up there alone,

and it's scary
and it's exciting.

-You were so good.
-Thank you.

You are so amazing.

I just want to tell my story,
whatever that story is that day,

whether it's about my family,
whether it's about me

as a woman dating in the world,

whether it's me
as a black woman in the world.

As much as I enjoy comedians
that just say funny shit,

that's not me.

If you want to be heard,

you got to say
something that's valuable.

Women of color are
so underrepresented

that when one of us gains

any sort of, like, popularity,

the rest of us are almost forced
to fit into that box

to even get an eye.

People think that "black woman"
is like a monolith,

and it's not.

And I hope
that audiences realize

I am never what
you expect me to be.

My mom told me --
she tells me often

that my dad
would be proud of me.

I have no idea
how he would respond.

But I hope he's proud.
I hope he is.

♪♪

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♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!