Original subtitles

[ Bird screeches ]

Deb took a brassiere off last night

and just left it on the kitchen table.

In this expensive bra, this morning, I fed the cat,

and the cat jumped on the table and puked all over it.

[ Laughs ] Fricking gross.

I usually make the kids clean it up 'cause it was like "bleugh."

♪♪

♪♪

[ Chickens clucking and dog barking ]

-I'm so glad you're here. -Me, too. Me, too.

This is Tammi. This is Emma.

Hey, Tammi, nice to meet you.

She's a big-time stand-up comic, comedian right there.

Ahh. Just trying to keep up with you.

Oh, bull crap. She's been critiquing me and stuff,

and it's been wicked helpful.

And I wanted to say I'm so proud of you

for walking out from behind the turds.

Mary's been working on this new routine,

and she's been practicing it around town.

She sent me a video of the routine.

We ought to have our own version

of Webster's Dictionary down there

because nobody talks right.

I gave her a lot of notes.

I gave her tons of notes.

If this doesn't go well tomorrow night,

it might not just be the end of her comedy career,

it could crush Tirdy Works.

I don't want to put in too much because the show's tomorrow.

We got about 24 hours.

Mary: There's a lot riding on this show at the Pittsfield Theater.

We're trying to keep the theater open,

and the investors are going to be.

Can I say when I get out in front of my table

that I feel it's ass-backwards?Yeah.

Because the turds, and I'm in front

instead of the back and it's back --

I was thinking that you should try to say

"that ain't right" sooner in it

so they just catch onto that, 'cause that's funny.

Like, when do you want her to say it?

Right up top.Soon as she gets on?

First weird thing I say,

I'm gonna say, "Well, that ain't right."

My first take on Tammi -- tough crowd.

Tough crowd, man.

I'm going to sound like a real bully.

You can't be no more of a bully than I am, honey.

Really? Really.

Could you teach me?

You'll learn real quick.Alright.

About five turds in, I'm going to use my skid mark.

I'm going to have it set up so when I hit my skid mark --

♪♪

Deb and Emma are trying to change up Mary's routine,

but I don't think it's a good idea.

You stay with what works.

Can I not say that when I go to the store,

I tell the clerk I'm buying the beer for the children?

But I'll keep -- I'll say it --

The one thing I was going to do for Deb, when she sneezes,

I was going to mimic her and tell the audience

'cause she goes, "Heh! Heh!"

you know and just -- Oh, my God.

Huh.

'Cause I want to explain to the audience

that I'm still learning things.

Mary has notes written on tissue paper.

There's notes everywhere.

It's just like chicken scratch all over the place.

If she's going to bring that up on stage,

it's going to be a disaster.

Maybe at an open mic, but not a show people have paid for.

The more we work it out, I promise you'll be able to get

this down like the turd presentation.

Well, hopefully, you don't [Bleep] it up.

I've been working all winter long to save Tirdy Works,

and this is actually my last shot.

♪♪

It all started with an ultimatum from my wife.

I mean we've got a lot of stuff to fix,

and we're still playing with turds.

Let's just give it to the rest of the winter.

If it doesn't work, it's done.

We're not going to play with turds anymore.

You need to focus on what you started, not bull[buzzer].

Jaime: The theater is struggling a little bit,

and we would love to boost income

and that type of stuff so we don't close down.

I think it's worth trying to save.

Don't think you got enough on your plate?

♪♪

By November, things were starting to look up.

I think we should focus on cannabis seeds.

We better get these in the dispensaries.

Get little turd fertilization kits out.

You get all kinds of different variations.

Well, why don't we go back and make a deal, okay?

Alright, excellent.

You need money to do marketing and grow the company.

Yeah I got the weed-seed starter kits here,

I got a whole box of turds.

Are you going to do the same old spiel?It's what I do.

You need to loosen up. Get away from the turds a little bit.

There's a lot more to you than just the turds.

Before long, I found myself at a crossroads.

We could design a business plan for $50,000.

What about 401[k]? No.

We have limited funds, and you want to spend our savings.

This Pittsfield Theater, I really want to save it.

I believe that you can do it.

I'm in to help out any way I can.

Work on some stuff that's more than turds.

Have you come up with what it costs per turd, so that --

What's going to be your marketing strategy?

What is your plan to distribute product?

Is there any way you would be able

to take the [bleep] show on the road?

MARY: What about the "That Ain't Right Comedy Tour"?

I can do my stand up comedy,

maybe you guys could come and watch me

and see what you think, you know?

I say let's do it.Alright, excellent.

Now my business, my family, and my community

are all on the line.

♪♪

Well, what Mary presented to us

about coming up to Pittsfield was, like, a very big concept.

So, I'm thinking the tables,

we're going to want to put maybe kitty corner.

I'm a little bit nervous about, you know, prepping

and making sure everything's ready to go by the show time.

Maybe just a little bit less

because we don't want people getting all craft up

and then having to worry about drinking and driving,

Yeah. Is that all cool?

And then those go in here.

Boom. Deb, smile.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Dale, smile.[ Camera shutter clicks ]

I gave Mary an ultimatum months ago.

I'm looking at, you know if this doesn't succeed,

this could be our last show.

I really just want this show to go perfect,

you know if anything goes wrong,

it could be disastrous for Tirdy Works.

♪♪

Everyone that comes to Maine

always looks forward to a lobster and seeing moose.

Hey, we caught one! Whoo-hoo!

Look at him!

When you go lobstering, you take old, rotten fish,

and you put it in a bag, and then they eat off of that.

Mary, you want to spear some of these

on through their eye sockets?

Jeepers, why do you put it in the eye socket?

'Cause it's easier.

Ugh.

They used to call me bait mag in school.

[ Laughs ]

But I liked it alright. That was an okay name.

I think it was like a term of endearment

because I wasn't smelly at all, I showered every day.

-Cram that baby in there. -Oh, my freaking God.

This is just frigging gross juices.

Mary likes lobster.

Look how lively that is. Ow!

I don't like lobster so much.

You've got his antennae stuck in the thingy.

He don't care. Hurry up.

He's quite a little piece of tail. [ Laughs ]

You got to remember to pull out the poop chute,

because it goes right down the tail thing.

So, a lot of people don't do that.

That looks good enough to eat, don't you think?

Oh, my God.Melt some butter.

Put that in the pot.

I mean it's alright,

but I'd rather have a steak, you know?

I'd rather have a hamburger.

Oh, my God. Deb. Look. There's a turd down there.

It's a poop deck. Did you do that?

Oliver!

Blame the poor dog.

♪♪

♪♪

This woman's nuts, and you know why?

The people who don't believe that are nuts.

The people who do believe that are real normal.

♪♪

Dale: We're really excited that we got the gig,

and we can't wait to get out on stage and perform.

♪♪

I'm a little nervous.

I think the band's real nervous, too, but we're good.

We're going to go out there, and we're going to kill it.

♪ Little bit of a rebel ♪

Man: Well, that's probably alright,

and then we'll need to kind of adjust that monitor for him.

♪♪

Well Mary is a little behind in the preparation

and getting ready for this, but I have great faith

that we can pull this together and have this show be big.

All the city councilors have the same last name.

Everyone there had the same last name.

Because everyone's got the same last name.

Well, that ain't right.

Because the investors are going to be here tonight,

and they're going to be watching everything,

I'm just worried that any little thing that could go wrong

could kind of, you know, put a --

I want it to go perfect.

Mary. Hey!

What's going on? How are you?

Good. How are you?

Good to see you. How's it going?

Great. Great.Good. How you feeling?

Well, I'm a little bit nervous.

Yeah?Yeah, 'cause, I mean,

you know, you've talking to me

about getting all this new material,

and I'm practicing it. but it's freaking me out.

Emma's a pro, and I feel so lucky

to have her coaching me through this whole thing.

How do you feel about your set?

I'm a little bit nervous about it,

you know, and I've taken notes like you told me to do.

First of all, I've got complete and total faith in Mary.

We're two lesbians from Maine doing a show about turds.

What could go wrong? [ Imitates explosion ]

So, the point of this is to broaden your audience,

so we wanted to do something

that as many people can relate to as possible.

You don't want to be putting in even more new stuff

since we've already been working on so much new stuff.

What I don't want Mary to be doing is to be thinking about,

"What do the investors think? What do the investors think?"

The investors are going to see how other people respond to her,

so she needs to think about the other people,

not the investors who are going to be even more critical.

If something seems like it's going, like, off the rails,

I'll do a signal.

But that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen.

I shouldn't have even said that. That's not going to happen.

If the investors aren't happy,

the show goes in the dumpster,

Tirdy Works is going to come to an end.

That'll be it.

I think it's going to be great no matter what. Uh-oh.

Except if you drop the card. Now everything's over.

[ Chuckles ] That ain't right.That ain't right.

♪♪

I've seen her stuff on Facebook, I saw that she went viral,

and I love that she is a comedian from Maine

doing her own thing.

There's a lot of buzz going around.

Everybody can't wait to see her.

I think Mary has a very bright future ahead of her.

The people of Maine love her, and they really love her humor.

You know, the simple sense of it

really is relatable to a lot of people.

♪♪

Very stressful.

♪♪

I want to thank you guys all for coming here.

It's for a really important cause.

We want to keep this theater open.

It's right on the brink of closing, and they've given us

one last chance to blow the roof right off the place.

You know, I worked with the theater manager,

Jamie, you know to bring in a whole bunch

of different kinds of talent.

As far as worrying about anything going wrong

in the show, I think something like this,

you always, you know, are on guard.

Thank you guys so much for being here.

You know, I don't know about you guys,

but when I first heard about Mary,

I thought, "What is going on?"

and I didn't know if that was in a good way or a bad way.

And then when I got to meet her,

I realized it's in a good way 100%.

That's what the pot will do for you.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Emma: Coming from a town of 500,

that we've got 200 people here,

that's, like -- like I cheated in math class.

Jaime: Thank you, everyone, from the community

for coming out and supporting this endeavor.

We appreciate it.[ Cheers and applause ]

Emma: Oh, boy, thank you guys so much.

How you guys doing?[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah have another hand for yourselves.

I really want to thank you guys so much for coming out.

We have a great show for you guys.

I'm trying to be healthier. I am.

My doctor told me this --

I don't know if any of you guys have heard of it.

It's called the caveman diet. Have you guys heard of this?

It's like you're only supposed to eat things that you can hunt

or gather, and I was like,

"Okay, but, like, who can't gather a Pop-Tart?"

You know what I mean?[ Laughter ]

I got ADD, but I'm not an idiot!

Have you sold any poo-poo clocks yet?

-Yeah. -About 30.

We got all kinds of wicked-good talent out there

and then we've got -- The investors aren't here yet.

I haven't seen them. You know, I want to kind of brag

about what we're doing here for the marketing

and merchandising and --

You know if the investors don't show up tonight,

I'm going to be let down.

You know, I'm counting on them being there,

said they were going to be there.

I mean, seriously, I can't believe

they wouldn't show up.

[Bleep] them.

♪♪

Please clap it up for Melissa Diaz.

Let her hear it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 26.

Technically, 23, but I don't count that one

because I thought I was fainting.

[ Laughter ]

I remember looking up at the guy's face just thinking,

"Is this the last face I'll ever see?"

And you know how guys look when they're...

They're just like "Ugh! [Stuttering]"

And I was like --

[ Laughter ]

Looking, I finally got a new job again recently.

That's good, I guess. I hate that job.

[ Laughter ]

I hope they give me a drug test so I can fail it.

[ Laughter ]

I don't even do drugs, but I'm willing to start.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

MARY: You know, I wanted to kind of brag

about what we're doing here for the marketing

and merchandising and --

You know it's almost show time now,

and the investors haven't showed up yet.

I mean, seriously --

I can't believe they wouldn't show up.

I've never seen Mary as stressed out as she is right now.

You've still got time.

You know, we've put so much into this.

Hello. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, guys. You made it.

So happy to see you. Thank you for coming.

Hi, Mary. Yeah. Hi.

The investors showed up just in time.

So, I showed them what we're doing.

I showed them my Tirdy Works table

that we had out in the lobby with all our product,

tee shirts with the logos.

We've got Tirdy chocolate martinis right here at the bar.

I just really want to thank you guys for coming by.

I mean, it means so much to me,

and I'm going to be going on stage,

and I'm going to do my thing. Good.

You know, why don't you go down and grab some seats.

Get out there, and knock them dead.

Yeah. I'm going to try.

Can't wait to see your show.

Alright, thank you so much.

♪♪

♪ Take what you need, ohhh

♪ Don't give up the fight, ohh

Everyone's here. Everyone's seated.

We got a full house,

and I'm hoping we can pull this off without a hitch.

Thank you so much, everybody.[ Cheers and applause ]

My name's Billy Keane, and I really appreciate

you coming out tonight and supporting this theater.

We'll see you out there. Thank you.

The investors showed up really late.

Were you able to walk them through the concept?

I was. You know, a little bit.

I showed them the merchandise table,

and I told them we'd sold --

we sold like 30 poo-poo clocks out there already.

This is going to be the first time they've seen you

give the real presentation.The real one, yep.

Okay.

I don't want her thinking about those two guys,

I want her thinking about everybody.

You got this.

Alright. I want to do it.

Otherwise, we got to escape out the back.

I know. We're running out.

I'm going to run like hell. Me, too.

I'm getting, and I'm never coming home.

I've performed before but never for a show this important.

This looks like less turds than usual.

It is. Cutting back.

Does she put on a good show?

Does she have a good time? Is she her lovable self?

You know, if she can sell that, they're going to come around.

I'm glad we don't have to ovulate forever.

I'm glad it's just, you know, you serve 20 to 30.

You do your time, 20 to 30, then you get out. You're free.

Now you grow facial hair, you can be a dude.

[ Laughter ]

So, this is super important before you go up and stuff --

I'm going to get a video,

and we're going to post on Facebook and Instagram.

You need to do really good.

You always do good, but you need to do really good.

Alright, I'll try. I'm a little bit nervous.

Okay, ready? Yeah.

Alright, so, what it is

is I'm going to get on that stage

because tonight's a big night.

So, I'm going to get up there, and I'm going to let it rip.

Get in there, do your best. I love you. I have to go.

Alright, thank you. Bye.

Thank you. Hope you like the show.

My manager called me, he's like, "Brendan I got a gig

for you that's in Pittsfield, Maine."

I said, "Finally."

[ Laughter ]Finally.

I did grow up a Catholic. I tell you what -- I always had

a lot of respect for the confession.

10 Hail Marys seemed to cover just about anything, right?

[ Laughter ]

I'm feeling excited.

I can't wait to get out there and start, you know?

I think it's going to be exciting

'cause I've got new material to share,

and I'm going to show them all my notes.

Lied to my mom. I don't know. 10 Hail Marys.

I was mean to my sister -- 10 Hail Marys.

Masturbation. Start from the beginning.

You know what I mean?

My favorite part about that joke is I wanted to see

if this woman would go like this when I said it.

[ Laughter ]

I still don't know.

[ Cheers and applause ]

This is it. We're going to go out there,

and we're going to do this.You've got it.

You don't know how nervous I am right now.

You're going to be alright.

Now look at the diversity here. Oh, my God.

[ Laughter ]

What's the intro?

What's the intro?I don't know.

You just going to walk out?

You got to give me something.

What I thought. You know?

Just white and, uh... different shades of white.

Man, my mom's out there. My grandma's out there.

My grandpa's out there.

My whole family's out there, damn it!

And they're going to have a good time.

Yeah, I hope so.

And they're going to get to see you,

and it's going to be awesome.Yeah.

You guys were so much fun. I'm Brendan Donegan.

Thank you guys so much. Enjoy the rest of the show.

We start playing, and then you got like 15 seconds

before you have to do anything.

That was great.

I'm really excited to bring out this next performer.

He works with Mary.

I think he's her main turd-getter.

I think this is it, man.

We're just going to go out there and bang this one out.Yes, we are.

And this is also his performance debut.

Ready? 1...2...3.

Big D and The Ticks, damn it. Let's do this.

So, show a lot of love for Somerville's own

Big D and the Ticks! Let them hear it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dale: You walk out on stage, and, I mean,

you see your friends, you see your family,

you see your grandma, your mother,

you see them all, and it's like, "Holy crap.

This is happening."

♪♪

It's just it's crazy. It's kind of a heart stopper.

♪♪

Come on. Give it up for Emma.

How about it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

How are you? It's good to be working.

I had to take last night off. I had a wedding.

My cousin got married yesterday --

Friday. Cheap bastard.

Everybody take a half a day from work

so we can save $1.99 on a plate of chicken.

If you're not laughing it means you got married on a Friday,

by the way.[ Laughter ]

Anybody feeling old?

Anybody wake up in the morning and everything hurts?

What is that? What did you do in your sleep?

I get up, I'm like, "Oh, my God!

Oh, Buddha!"

I sweat now for no reason, anybody?

You know you sweat a lot when you're at the gym,

and someone comes up to you and goes, "Great workout, buddy."

You're like, "I just got here."

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

Big D and The Ticks! Let them hear it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Here they are! The ticks, here they are.

Dale: You walk out on stage, and, I mean, you see

your friends, you see your family,

and it's like, "Holy crap. This is happening."

I'm ready, you ready?I'm ready. Let's do it.

♪♪

♪ Little bit of a rebel

♪ Little bit of a saint

♪ Never cared too much

♪ And showing up too late

♪ She don't like to slow down

♪ But that's alright

♪ She fills my evenings

♪ Like some poured wine

♪ Time takes me back

♪ To where I belong

♪ Back to the place

♪ I call my home

He did really good. I was like, "Whoa!"

In front of a bunch of people? I could never do that,

I can like barely talk in front

of, like, a group of five people.

♪ You in my arms

Mary: Just to see the look on his mom's,

and his grandmother's face,

I mean, they're just crying out there.

I mean, he was really emotional.

♪ With yooou in my arms

♪♪

[ Song ends, cheers and applause ]Thank you.

Alright, let them hear it!

Well, thank you! Thank you!

I knew the crying weren't a bad cry,

and it was a proud cry, so I was like, "Damn, right.

I'm making them proud."

Congratulations.

That was so good, and he's only 16, and Dale's mom is here.

Let's give her a hand.

[ Cheers and applause ]Thank you.

♪♪

My dad's right here,

and you guys want to hear something crazy?

My dad looks like the guy sitting right in front of him.

You see what I'm talking about?

A little bit.

♪♪

Mary: There's a lot of pressure on,

and I'm just hoping I can pull it off smoothly

the way I want to.

I am very excited and honored

to present your final comedian for the evening.

You guys ready for your final comic?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Timing is everything, you know? I mean if you miss something,

it could screw the whole show up.

Yeah, you're headliner.

She's a very funny woman who also happens to be

the CEO and founder of Tirdy Works.

Please clap it up for buddy, Mary Winchenbach.

Let her hear it. Give it up for Mary.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Hey, everybody.

Everyone can hear me okay? Yes?

All: No.No?

[ Feedback ]Oh, what the hell's that noise?

My bud's not working.

So, thank you all for coming here tonight and stuff,

and I'm --

I'm going to be doing my stand-up-comedy routine

but Emma Willman, our emcee,

she's been out kind of helping me,

you know learn my different kinds of comedy

and everything, and what she told me is that

I got to come stand in front of the table,

which I think is a little bit messed up

because I always -- my motto is I stand behind my shit.

Deb: Mary's extremely nervous.

I mean, the whole show could go right in the dumpster.

And then she told me to take notes, so I got notes.

Emma: If she can't make 200 people

from her own hometown laugh... rough.

You know, and that ain't right.

♪♪