Original subtitles

Emma. How's it going? I've seen you.

She's this big-time comic, and maybe she could help me.

The business is selling poop.

Yes. Right out of the moose's butt.

Now, this, instead of a Popsicle,

that's a Poopiscle,

otherwise known as a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

I really think there are people in Somerville

that would be interested in getting in on the ground floor.

Maybe there are people out there that believe enough

in the business that they are willing to invest.

What is your plan to distribute outside of the state of Maine?

I never thought of that.

Is there any way you would be able to

take the [bleep] show show on the road?

I would love to do that.

You know, when Emma mentioned taking my act on the road,

I thought, "What a great idea."

I've got this show coming up in Pittsfield.

Me and the boys, we've been fiddling with some music.

We're here at this audition watching Big D and the Ticks,

and I didn't know really what to expect.

Who's funding the tour? Well...

Investing in someone that's as scattered as Mary is right now

is a risk.

**

That's all I wear.

I don't have any of those tight little girl undies.

**

Russ: In business, the difference between

dreams and reality that Mary really needs to focus on

is the effort that it takes, that it's hard work.

You can dream all you want, but until you roll up your sleeves

and really put the time in, your dreams won't come true.

[ Eagle screeches ]

**

Well, it's a beautiful day out, huh?

Wicked.

Good day to find some turds.

I think Dale was about 8 years old when I first met him.

He was just the sweetest little boy, you know,

and just as polite and nice and always smiling.

I do love Dale, you know?

And I've just known the kid for so long.

He's been a good kid, he's a hard worker,

he tries, and we just kind of bonded.

Look at that. Hey, look at that.

That's not a big pile of dump, but that's something.

It's something. Better than nothing.

Yeah. Something else has been kind of weighing

on my mind a little bit too. I'm nervous about.

We got this big show coming up in Pittsfield.

Mm-hmm. I promised the town

that we would have a variety show.

And the only thing I have is comedy.

And I've got three or four comics coming in,

but that's all I've got.

Anything from you guys? Do you have any ideas?

A little part of the show would be, like, stupid pet tricks

and people could bring up a chicken on stage

or the dog or the cat.

Yeah, not only is this a chance

to save the theater in Pittsfield,

but this is a chance

for more revenue for Tirdy Works business.

I'd kind of like to bring some more stuff

to the show, but I'm not sure.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about getting another act.

What do you think about music? I love music.

Well, me and the boys, we've been getting together

a little bit and playing and fiddling with some music.

You play kind of country?

It's like a country-ish type of music, yeah.

And what do you do? I'm the lead singer.

The name of my band is Big D and the Ticks.

It's just a group of guys that we get together

and have some fun and make some music.

Maybe me and Deb at some point before the show

could come down and take a listen you know.

Me and the guys, we've been waiting for our first show,

and this could really be the first chance.

Yep, this is a great opportunity.

The place is going to be packed.

Pittsfield is a big deal, and I want to hear them first.

I want to make sure he's got what it takes.

I want to hear him and his band.

I want to make sure the song's appropriate too.

**

[ Clock ticking ]

**

A few weeks ago, the Green Goddess

introduced me to Emma Willmann.

She's a big-time comic.

I always used to go back and forth

with when I would say I was gay on stage

because I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

But I make a point to always do it

because I don't want any of you guys sitting and wondering

if I'm an awkward-looking straight girl,

you know what I mean?

Mary: There's a lot of pressure on to change up my shtick.

The Pittsfield show is right around the corner,

and I'm going to have to make up a whole new routine before then,

plus memorize it.

Mary. Oh, ouch. Sorry.

How are you? Good to see.

Good seeing you too. Long time no see.

Yeah. I just hit that thing.

Mary's got this big show coming up at the Pittsfield theater,

and I'm here to help her make material for that show,

which is going to be tough because we've got a lot to do

in a really short amount of time.

And also, to add to the pressure,

this show is supposed to make the theater

not go out of business.

So there's a lot resting on this show.

Don't feel self-conscious or, like,

not that you would, but it's a safe space,

as long as it doesn't hurt kids or animals.

First animals, then kids.

Oh, that's the set list right now?

I know that ain't right either.

Kids? [Bleep] 'em.

So where at we at with stuff?

I was going to gone on, start in with my dingleberries,

then I was going to go to

my dingleberries and my hairy balls.

When was the last time you had a conversation with no turds?

I don't remember. Wow.

My assignment for you is find three or four concepts

that aren't poop.

You could talk about bubbles,

you could talk about your relationship with your wife,

you can talk about sex.

Alright, the sex might be kind of sparse.

Then talk about that.

Right!

She's really fixated on poop.

I don't what the underpinnings are there.

It's --

Even saying underpinnings is making me think about poop.

Maybe I should talk about Somerville first.

Yes. Yes. Small town, very likable.

And talk about what a small town does with inbreeding.

Right, there's got to be other stuff beside inbreeding.

Have you gotten to any, like, open mics or anything? No.

Okay, so that's something we should try to fix. Open mics.

At some point, you're going to want to take this out of Maine.

That would be fun because I love people

that haven't heard it yet. Exactly, and I was wondering

is there any way you would be able to take the,

like, the [bleep] show on the road?

I would love to do that. If you had your product there

and they're watching you present it,

then after the show you can sell it. Yeah.

You know, when Emma mentioned taking my act on the road,

I thought, "What a great idea."

A comedy tour could solve my distribution problem.

But one step at a time.

You can't rush into this [bleep]

And when I come back, I'll watch you,

and I can take notes and then we can workshop that.

Can I talk about Chewbacca?

Sure. Talk about his balls.

**

**

She's turned something really -- really kind of obscene

into something, I think, that's very cool,

and I'm not alone.

I'm not alone.

[ Clock ticking ]

**

-Writing bangers in here, huh? -We're trying.

**

Dale: Country music does kind of give its own story,

and I typically like the songs

that have the same stories as myself.

**

They go right along with how my life has been

since I was young to how -- 16 years old now.

Country music is honest,

straightforward, and to the point.

I mean, it makes me feel good about myself.

I can actually sing country music on top of it a little bit.

So I work with Mary. She's doing a big show

to help save the theater in Pittsfield,

a little ways north of us,

and it's kind of like a variety show,

you know what I'm saying?

There's going to be comedy and music.

If I had a dream for Dale, it would be to succeed

in what he felt that he wanted to do.

He's grown up working in the woods,

running skitters and stuff,

and that was one of his biggest dreams for a long time.

And the older he got, the more he decided,

you know, "Maybe that's not what I want to do."

I was like, "Hey, listen, me and the guys, we're ready."

I mean, do we have it or is it a maybe?

So here's the thing, we've got to have an audition first.

And as long as we can crush it, the gig's ours.

And it would be a good gig for us to start out

because there's going to be 200-plus people there.

**

**

[ Clock ticking ]

Mary, you're going to have to use your headset.

Sorry about that, but the other one has a busted wire.

Tonight is a practice run for the new material I wrote

for the Pittsfield show.

Can you hear me? Hello.

-Whoo! -Hello.

I want to talk about my community, my family.

I want to talk about my business.

My name is Mary, and this is actually the very first time

I've ever done stand-up standing in front of my table.

I've been getting coached by Emma Willmann.

She's a big stand-up comic from LA.

She said if I'm feeling uncomfortable

just to bring [bleep] out with me,

so what I did that makes me feel better,

I got [bleep] in pocket.

I was a little bit nervous, and, you know,

and actually broke a sweat, and I usually never get sweaty.

I'm from Somerville.

I've been living there for 20 years now.

When I moved into town, we had two paved roads.

Right now, we're up to four.

We had a parade too.

We have a parade ever year.

They had four cars and a fire truck.

Well, that ain't right.

We have three little kids,

they're smart,

but when they're bad, they get just air.

I know that I missed three or four things

that I should of mentioned that I had in my notes

but I just -- there was just too much.

Emma thinks I could take my act on tour to help Tirdy Works.

How am I supposed to do a comedy tour

if I can't even get one performance right?

I'm going to start in with my turds a little bit.

Okay, so this a brand-new product right here.

I tied a knot and I stuck turds to it.

It's called "I Shit You Knot."

[ Laughter ]

See, that ain't right.

I just found out last week

that there's a 187 synonyms for the word [bleep]

I mean, I've got all kinds of material to work with.

That ain't right.

Mary's been falling back on her turds.

It's her safety net.

I don't think Mary's ready to take her show on the road yet.

It's a distraction she doesn't need right now.

You guys have been great. Thank you very much.

And I encourage you guys please come to the Pittsfield theater.

[ Cheers and applause ]

This was not my strongest night by a long shot.

[ Mumbles ]

The Pittsfield show is right around the corner

so I'm scared about that because I need to polish up

certain things and I need to put in certain punch lines

in certain areas and stuff,

but I didn't get to do it tonight

because it takes studying,

you know, and practicing and stuff,

and I just hadn't had time to do it.

**

**

[ Clock ticking ]

**

How are you feeling? I'm nervous. You know, we talked.

I've got to work some new stuff in,

and I just kind of keep going through my head

on how I'm going to do it.

I'm working on a routine for this big show in Pittsfield,

and I've got some new material

I'm trying to incorporate into my routine,

so I've been talking with Emma.

This is the last time Emma gets to see me perform

live before the big show.

I'm going to talk about hairy balls and penises

and everything else for God sakes,

and how am I going to get everything,

all my ducks in a row and make it flow perfectly?

But you picked all those things to talk about.

You know what I mean? It's not like the Illuminati's

making you talk about hairy balls.

Tonight I'm here to watch Mary and take notes on her stand-up,

see where she's at, see how much work

we have to do before the big show.

Let's give a round of applause, Mary Winchenbach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm hoping she's done her homework.

Otherwise I'm going to look like an idiot

because I've very publicly said

that I think she's really onto something

and now I'm going to look a moron.

Like he said my name's Mary, and I'm from Somerville, Maine.

We have a population of about 500 in Somerville,

and the thing is, we've got this city council and stuff

and everyone on the council has the last same name.

Apparently all the cousins are all married to each other.

They're all cross-breeding.

I mean, what the hell?

Well, that ain't right.

I'm gay. Up until two months ago,

I thought a man had one ball.

One ball and a penis.

Well, I found out they've got two balls.

[ Laughter ]

Seriously, I didn't know.

How does an old lesbian get so infatuated with men's junk?

But about four weeks ago, our neighbor come over,

and he had a tick on his scrotum.

And he wanted us to remove it.

Some guys are infatuated with boobs.

She's infatuated with the penis.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Emma: What needs to happen in Pittsfield

is she needs to wow everybody to the point

that Pittsfield knows they can draw on local talent

and put on an amazing show.

She needs to show "No, we've got homegrown talent

that's really good, starting with me."

Did you have fun?

Yeah, I did. Okay, good.

I did. I was a little uncomfortable

talking about the Somerville stuff.

What do you think it was that made you uncomfortable?

Was it because it was new stuff or you just --

I was just thinking in the back of my head

if they knew what I was saying,

some of the people, they might get pissed.

And there's a rule about you want to punch up.

You want to make fun of people

that are in a position of privilege over you.

If you punch down, then that's less likable.

If I'm rating Mary's performance considering

what she had to work with,

what her assignments were, all things considered,

I'd give her an eight.

If I didn't know the whole back story

and I just saw her doing the Tirdy Works presentation,

I'd give her a five.

You've got a good foundation to work from

because you've got -- you know the turd stuff,

and some of those ones get really big laughs

and think what a good setup that is

to now go sell the turds.

After that, everyone wants to touch the turds. Right.

Mary: My comedy act definitely needs improvement.

We'll think of other stuff too

that you like talking about as much.

Now my business, my family, and my community

are all on the line.

I've got so much going on, you know,

and it's hard just to keep track of everything.

It's like who's on first and what's on second,

and I don't even know who's on third.

You want to know a trick?

People say "Kuh" sounds are funnier than other sounds.

"Kuh"? Yeah, "kuh" is funnier than "puh."

You've got all kinds of noises coming out of you.

What the hell does all that mean? [ Vocalizes ] is funny.

[ Vocalizes ] is not funny. Is that confusing?

**

[ Clock ticking ]

-Yeah. -I don't know.

Do you like that better or do you like us going...

[ Strums guitar ]

Dale: I kind of like the quick stop a lot better.

Quick stop? That could be kind of cool.

As we're waiting to audition for Mary and Deb,

I mean, I'm feeling pretty good.

If we do get the gig, it'll be a good chance for us

to perform for the first time out in public.

Alright, are we going to run through the whole song?

We'll run through the whole song, yeah. Alright.

I never knew Dale was a singer.

**

**

Dale: * Haven't seen her for a long time *

* Can't make heads or tails

* She said we'd been through so much *

* Our bond could never fail

* Now I'm cruisin' down a back road *

* No time to kill

* Heading off into the night

* Hammerin' through those hills *

Mary: You know, we're here at this audition

watching Big D and the Ticks for the first time,

and I didn't know really what to expect.

**

[ Dramatic music plays ]

**

**

**

Wow. Holy crap, seriously.

Well, here's the thing, did we get the gig?

I don't, Deb, what do you think? Yeah.

Alright, you guys got the gig, definitely.

Sweet. That's what I'm talking about.

Dale, that's amazing.

It really is. I think your Gram would be

really, really, really proud of you right now.

You know what?

**

Far cry from that little boy.

I'm amazed that he could do that, you know?

And then I got to thinking about his grandma

and thinking that she ought to be up here

watching him, you know, because she'd just --

she'd just be so happy to see that.

I know, he growed up, didn't he?

I mean, look at you out here playing music.

It made Deb cry, so, I mean, it went real good.

[ Clock ticking ]

**

You guys dress so good.

Oh, it's just for you.

I have flannel on tonight.

Well, we expect you in flannel.

Well, I layer up, you know in case

I have a hot flash, I can peel.

I was kind of hoping the investors

were going to kind of show up at the pop-up event.

Make sure you post it on your Facebook, okay?

These are each $20.

But they didn't. #IGiveACrap.

People love it.

Emma's comedy tour idea could be a way

to get the investors on board.

At this point, it's worth a shot.

The last meeting that we had, you gave me a bunch of feedback

on things that you thought that I needed to do

to kind of, you know, make the business successful.

I'm here with Delta tonight because

I want to talk to the investors about my comedy tour idea.

I think it's going to help get the turds out all over the US.

People are going to hear about it.

You guys might not know,

but I actually kind of do stand-up comedy,

and I was introduced to a gal from Blue Hill, Maine.

Her name's Emma Willmann, but she's a big-time comic.

She asked me if maybe I'd ever consider

taking my turds on the road,

you know, and doing a comedy tour on the road.

And it never occurred to me to do that,

but I'm thinking, "Hm, maybe that might be a good idea."

Just the word, "the turds across America."

It's just...

How does that solve the distribution problem

that we talked about at Blueberry Fields?

You know, I can do my stand-up comedy,

and then maybe I could have a table set up in the lobby

with all of my turds right there.

Deb could sit there and sell the turds

because once I do my comedy, people get excited.

We can have T-shirts and dingleberries

and fecal people and the whole -- the whole nine yards.

Mary has a lot of energy and a lot of ideas,

and you can see the wheels are going around in head nonstop.

All the time. All the time.

But that causes some problems.

It's going to help Somerville

because her product's going to grow

and there's going to be jobs created,

and they've got to keep making them while she's out there.

The very first thing in business

is if you are out marketing something,

you have to be able to turn that product around.

And as it sits right now,

it doesn't seem like that's possible.

Like, for starters with their home,

they need to take and convert that garage

as soon as they can into a production,

manufacturing facility, so to speak.

Well, if you're looking for funding for a comedy tour,

where could we see your comedy

or get a feel for what it's like?

Well it's going to be in Pittsfield, Maine,

at the theater. -Really?

Maybe you guys could come and watch me and see what you think.

I say let's do it.

Yeah, I agree.

Alright, excellent.

Investing in someone that's as scattered as Mary is right now

is a risk.

Until she can rein that in

and get some people around her

that'll keep her focused, it's just not going to work.