All language subtitles for Tirdy Works s01e07_English

**

I've got a couple investors
with $100,000 on the line.

What is your plan
to distribute product?

Actually we do ship [bleep]
all over the world.

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle --
otherwise known as

a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

I hate to talk about this,

but my kids kind of
inspired me on this one.

These are skid marks.
[ Laughter ]

It's been months now,
and I've been trying to get

Katie involved in the business.

This is our business.
Your business, not mine.

My parents play with poop.

[ Moose grunts ]

We're planning this
big event pop-up thing.

Mary: The investors kind of
asked me for a marketing plan,

this might be the answer to it.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

How many pictures
did we get?

Look, the moose turd earrings,
those aren't mine.

Wonder how long
they've been doing this for

and I'm just now
finding out.

There's a serious
problem right now.

[Bleep] is about to go down.

I don't sleep much at night.
I'm up about 3:00, 4:00

every morning working on turds.

Have me some Jamaican Me Crazy,

maybe a wake and bake,

and I'll sit there
and work on turds

for a good two or three hours

till the kids get up
and Deb gets up.

But it's good quiet time,
you know,

I get to think and plan
and I make lists.

That's one --
Lists are wonderful.

I always make a list every day,
and I do it with paper.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

[ Bird caws ]

**

Has anyone asked you
to prom?

Yes actually, someone did.

Who?
One of my closest
girly friends.

Oh. I see.
Her name's Ellese.

[ Both laugh ]

Katie: Me and Elise, we get
along most of the time.

Sometimes we get into
these stupid little fights,

then we always make up.

Okay, so the reason
I asked you to come here

is so you can help us
because we have an idea.

It's super critical right now
to be focusing on marketing.

Part of becoming successful is
being prepared for that success.

Okay.
What's gonna be
your marketing strategy?

I usually go out
and I promote my own turds.

And I'm thinking Katie
might be able to help with that,

because she's got all kinds of,
you know, imagination and skills

and she knows
about social media.

It's really important that
the investors are impressed.

Mary, she's old and she has
a lot of followers and stuff

and she doesn't know
what to do with them.

So, like, trying to help her
out a little.

And we're planning
a social pop-up.

I really had nothing to do
with Tirdy Works before,

but now since I'm managing
her social media and stuff,

I feel like I'm more involved.

So, we sketched out
something.

Ellese: This is going to be
made out of wood.

And we were wondering

if you could help
make this contraption.

I think giving Katie a role
in the Tirdy Works company

is trying to give
her structure in life,

but it's also trying to give her
experience and responsibility.

And we're gonna have
a cut-out of a moose

so people can take
other pictures with it.

A life-size moose.

Boop.
Maybe bigger, I don't know.

It needs to be big enough
for people to come

and take pictures,

because 100 people,
if you get ten shares,

yeah, that's like 1,000 people
know about Tirdy Works.

I think we all got this.

I think it's a good idea.

Pretty dope idea.

Fist bumps.

[ Chuckles ] Pow!

It's important for Mary
to realize

that she needs
a complete business plan

to make her business function
or to even become successful.

If not,
it's gonna fail.

**

Hussey's is the only store
in town and,

I mean, they have everything
in there from shotguns,

wedding gowns, and cold beer.

But I'll tell you what, I get a
phone call from Fire Chief Mike

and he's telling me
there's a whole bunch of turds

on the shelves
at the Hussey's,

and they're not mine.
Come look at this.

Look, the moose turd earrings,
those aren't mine.
No.

The moose turd keychains,
those aren't mine either.

No.
I mean, seriously?

They can't even match
their turds up.

No.
I am six miles down the road

and they're buying
[bleep] from up north.

I don't get it.
Seriously?

I don't get it.
That's not cool.

You know, I mean, come on.

Where's the loyalty?

I'm really mad,
but I'm also embarrassed.

I mean, because Deb's looking
at this whole situation

and thinking in her head that,
"What is wrong with you?

Why did you not have
your turds in there?"

but it just --
it never occurred to me to --

to go up there
and approach them.

And then on up here, "As seen
on TV and in newspapers,"

that's our stuff. That's us.
Yeah, yeah.

We have that thing
trademarked and LLC,

they can't be doing that.
That's crap.

I'm gonna raise hell.
Hmm.

Finding
this counterfeit crap

is coming at a really
bad time for my plan.

There's a serious problem
right now,

and [bleep] about to go down.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

I sleep in my tent,

Craig sleeps in his room.
I sleep by myself.

He don't like my tent.
It's too claustrophobic.

**

Come on, you bitch.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Tammi has trouble sleeping.
She --

Any little light will,
you know, keep her awake.

Tammi: [Bleep] crazy old woman.

It's like her dungeon, I guess.

[ Chuckles ]

**

It doesn't take much
to wake her up.

Tammi: It's like coming
out of the closet.

But when she does sleep,
she snores like a goddamn bear,

so...

**

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

If I had a great idea
and somebody stole it,

I would probably be
a little upset.

I would wish karma
to get in their way.

I don't think I'd
handle it so nicely,

because that was my idea,
it's not yours,

so I want it back.

**

You know, it is thirsty
Thursday after all.

I was tipsy on Tuesday,
that's tipsy Tuesday.

And I was sloshed
on Saturday.

Jesus.

[ Cow moos ]

Hey, Tammi.
What's going on?

Well, something
just happened,

and I'm not too happy
about it.

I went to Hussey's
General Store this morning

and there's a display
of moose turds.

Were they yours?
No, they're not my turds.

You know, I've got investors
I'm trying to work with,

you know, I'm trying to launch
my company out there

and now I found
these counterfeit turds.

So, I mean, this is going
to be a problem.

I'm not having it,
not in my backyard.

No, I don't blame you.

I wonder how long
they've been doing this for

and I'm just now
finding out.

What did they have there?

Moose turd earrings,
the keychains,

and they had moosletoe.

They didn't have
the poo-poo clocks?

No, I didn't see any.

Well, they ain't figured
that one out yet.

I don't think Mary was well
prepared for any competition,

because everything
kind of got big so quick.

Competition is competition,
that's life.

And the display said,

"As seen on TV,
newspapers, and magazines."

That's misleading.
Well, that's counterfeit.

Counterfeit means fake.

I ain't counterfeit.

I'm not happy about it.
Well, I don't blame you.

And moosletoe,
who comes up with that word?

Wow. Go talk to Hussey's,
because that's not right.

I can't --
I just can't get over it.

I don't -- So --

You need to go talk
to Hussey's.

**

**

[ Clock ticking ]

We have this big plan.

Because you have so many
followers on Facebook

and, like, Instagram and stuff
and you do nothing with them,

so we're planning this
big event pop-up thing.

Giving Katie a chance to run
marketing for Tirdy Works,

I'm gonna keep a close eye
on her for the first few months

just to kind of see where she's
at and where her head's at

and where she's going
with things.

And we have this
all planned out.

But 80,000's pretty good
for not doing anything.

Yeah, and you're gonna lose
all those 80,000

unless you're doing
something.

They need entertainment,
they need events.

You think 80,000 people
will come to a --

No, we're planning for 100.
100?

What do you think about it?

Kids these days, they're
growing up with social media.

Likes and shares and stuff
and that's what it's all about.

You know, when I was
a 14-year-old girl,

I didn't really care about how
many likes or shares I had.

And I wasn't
into threesomes.

And then people are gonna, like,
take pictures there

and then they're going to
share it

and, like, a whole bunch
of people are going to see it.

And then they might want
to come to the next event.

Like, that many more people
are going to see your stuff

and want to buy it.

It sounds like
it could be promising,

it'd be
something different.

Do you know when
this is going to be held?

Saturday.
Saturday.

Deb: That's only
a few days away.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

We will get there.

-You gonna wear a dress?
-[ Gasps ]

No.
It's the dead of winter.

So? Wear leggings.
Well, I'm not wearing a dress

because you'll get a draught
going up

through my undercarriage.
That's why you wear leggings.

That's not me,
you know I'm not fluffy.

Yeah, but it's funny.

I'm not wearing a dress.

**

I want a moose turd product,
okay,

that I can look at
in the palm of my hand.

Because that's
the kind of guy I am.

**

[ Knock on door ]

-Come in.
-Hi.

Hi.
Are you Kristen?

Yes.
Hi, Kristen, my name's Mary.

Hi, Mary.

I'm Kristen Valentine,

and I am a fourth-generation
family owner

of Hussey's General Store.

I just wanted to maybe take
a couple minutes of your time

to have a conversation
with you.
Sure. Sure.

I have met you before.
You have.

It's been a while though.

I don't see Mary a lot,
but you hear about her, right?

She's got
a pretty crazy personality.

I sell moose turds.
Yes.

And I've been
doing it a long time

and I've got all kinds
of different products.

And I was in here last week

and I was looking around
at the gift shop,

and you have turds for sale
down there that aren't mine.

And I was a little bit
taken back by it,

because, you know,
I'm kind of a loyal customer

and stuff and things,
and the turds are all local.

So I just can't for the life
of me understand

why you wouldn't have wanted
my turds in the store

instead of some turds
that are from away from here.

I'm totally --
And on the display, it says,

"As seen on TV,
newspaper, and ads."

I know last time you --
That's my turds you see on TV

and newspapers and ads.
Okay.

You know, I've got a couple
of investors with $100,000

on the line.

I mean, what happens
if they go into Hussey's

and see those turds
on the shelf?

What's that gonna mean?

There is a lot of competition,
you know.

Even though you have
a really unique business.

I mean, if I don't see it, then
I can't do anything about it.

I understand that.
So, we usually do like

to see some examples
of, like, your best sellers.

And then just show us
what's really working in

other places like ours.
Okay.

Having her come in with such,
I don't know, anger was like,

"Come on now, I mean, you've got
to bring in your products."

If I don't know that
you have products to sell,

then I can't get any
from you.

I mean, I've even got
dingleberries with hairy balls.

Wow.
Honestly, if she really
wanted her product in the store,

she should have been
getting out there.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

Welcome to Making Crap
with Mary.

This is the DIY show where
I show you step-by-step ways

of having fun
with poop in your kitchen.

Now today we're going to be
digging into [bleep] clips.

**

So step one on this procedure
is you've got to find yourself

some good sizable turds
right here.

I've got a whole bunch
of moose turds.

You can use whatever you want,
you can use pig turd,

you can use a dog turd,
you can use your kid's turd.

[ Toilet flushes ]

The step two is you're going
to drill a hole in the turd

to put your clip in.
You have to be kind of gentle.

You don't want to be, like,

jack hammering it
or anything like that,

because you're gonna end up
violating it.

**

So I just put a big old gob
of glue in there.

And then just slide that
right in.

That's some fine looking [bleep]
right there.

And voilà,
that's a [bleep] clip.

I will tell you, if you're out
on the water smoking the pot

and you dropped this
in the water, it will float.

[ Rooster crows ]

**

[ Clock ticking ]

Mary: What's up?
We have some supplies
to gussy you up.

To gussy me up?
Yeah.

Your Instagram's boring,
you need more followers.

No, this is pretty gussed,
this is pretty good.

That's not good.
No, it's not gussed enough.

I feel like I'm a pretty big
part of Tirdy Works

for the whole
social media thing.

I'm really excited to do this.
I feel like I'm actually,

like, part of it
and not being left out.

Your face is a little
too wrinkly for me to do this.

I don't have wrinkles.
What are you talking about?

Some day you're going
to have wrinkles.

[ Laughs ]

Mary: She's already come up
with some really good ideas,

so maybe if we kind of grow
on those ideas

and try to pick her brain
some more,

she might have
something else in there.

Oh, no.
Oh, we've got to--

What if something happens

and I've got to run out
of the house?

Do you think this is good
for the Instagram page?

No, she looks like
a total idiot.

Wait, I could look like
a model and stuff, like --

-No.
-Smile.

Do this.

All the girls
are popping out their booty,

even if they don't got one.

Oh, I want
to pop my booty then.

[ Laughter ]

Now you've got to do your walk,
but actually smile.

I could do it sexy too, right?
Yeah, sexy.

Katie: Crazy pictures,
they get a lot more likes

because people
like funny things.

The pictures of Mary
in that, it's funny.

Do a kissy face.

Sexy booty pose.

[ Laughter ]

Hashtag "I give a crap." I mean,
what could be -- you did this.

[ Laughter ]

It's very frustrating when you
see somebody take your idea

and run with it and, you know,
really go to town with it.

Competition makes you think
of ways

to outsmart your competitor.

Come up with another idea.

[ Laughter ]

**

Kristen: Today I learned that
Mary's gonna be coming in

to bring in a crap load
of product to show me.

And I'm looking forward
to seeing all the things

that I've been hearing
so much about it.

Hey, how are you?
Hello.

How you doing?
Good. How are you?

Yeah, pretty good.
It's good seeing you.

Oh. Good to see you too.

I've got the best turds
in town.

Well, I've got
the only turds in town

because they're local turds,

then we've got someone
that's, you know,

impostoring my turds,
and that ain't right.

One of the things I wanted to
show you was this picture frame.

And it says, "For your favorite
[bleep] head."

You know, we do all different
kinds of designs.

We have instead
of fish and chips,

we've got fish and [bleep].

Oh, my word.
See?

What the heck?
With those little fish
in there.

Are those real fish?
Yes.

We buy them at the bait store.

Oh, my word.
Yeah.

Mary brought in
a ton of product.

That's pretty crafty.
Yeah.

And it was a lot,
to be honest with you.

It was a lot to absorb.
I like the play on words.

I think
that's what keeps people

remembering the product.
But, you know...

Look at all this.
...what I wanted to do is,

I just wanted to bring you
in a couple of each thing,

just so you can kind of see
what we have.

All right.
Well, some of these things,

I think they could be
just a little too out there.

We've got to maintain
that family store presence

and, you know,
it's a tricky business.

We definitely, I think, could do
well with a lot of these things.

Especially, I think this is
the best time to try it.

The things that she pulled out
are definitely funny

just because she has
the tag line to go with it.

So I think it just --
it sells itself

when you've got something funny
to go right along with it.

I'll get you an order out.

I could probably get that
to you by today,

I could e-mail you
an order.

Alright. Alright.
Yeah, yeah.

I am kind of thinking that maybe
competition is a good thing,

it's gotten me fired up,
and I just want to --

I just want to start
creating more turds now.

I had an idea. Like, around,
like, Valentine's Day,

you could do love turds
instead of love birds.

And then love stinks.
Oh.

But that just popped
into my head this morning

and I knew we were going
to see you at some point.

So you've been thinking
about turds.

I know, once you start thinking
about it, the play on --

Isn't it amazing, you --
I want to do [bleep] luck.

Yeah.
It's with a little
four-leaf clover in the turd.

See, that could be
your St. Patrick's Day.

Oh.

[ Laughs ]

**

-Don't let it fall.
-I'm not letting it fall.

**

Team work.

Okay.

There's a lot of things
that could go wrong

with this whole thing.

How are we gonna go
up the stairs?

This is a really
big responsibility and stuff.

And, like, if I screw this up
it'd be like

I'm going to disappoint,

like, Mary and everyone,
and I don't want to do that.

**

The moose inside doesn't say
Tirdy Works,

so it's better if we go in

and get people
to take pictures with this.

Because if they post
with this one,

then they'll know
it's Tirdy Works.

I think
people will show up.

I don't really think anyone's
gonna show up at the pop-up.

Like, maybe a few people,
but I feel like

the word wasn't spread,
like, enough beforehand.

I don't know how it's
gonna turn out.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

Yankee ingenuity is definitely
a real thing in Maine.

Because nine times out of ten,
you're stuck,

you've got no place to go,

you know,
so far away from every store,

that you've got to make do
with what you have.

Got to think outside the box.

You need to be
very MacGyver-ish at times.

You know, you've got
bailing twine and duct tape,

well, sure you can fix that.

I've fixed truck bumpers
with less.

You've kind of got to figure out
how to do stuff

on your own,
if you wanna do it.

Sometimes when it's long, and
you have no place to get --

you know, no way
of getting to places

and you just have
to figure it out.

Duct tape snorkel
on an exhaust, on a Jeep

to get through
a beaver bog

for hunting
or whatever you're doing.

You see some
strange things up here.

People, you know,
create things,

build things themselves,
you know.

And there's opportunity
here.

You know, you can own
a big piece of property

and live beside somebody
that's doing something

totally different than you.

And it doesn't bother
anybody.

Maine is great if you don't
need to be entertained.

You have to figure out
how to make your own fun

or make the things
that are there.

Or you can do
just about anything

if you've got
a good roll of duct tape.

It's good for just
about anything, you know.

Exhaust pipes,
putting up art in your home.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

**

-Hey, how are you?
-Good.

Mary: Good. So I'm here.

Yeah.
And we got the thing done.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
You want to go see it?

Yeah, I'd love to.
Yeah, okay.

Katie: With the photobooth,
I think it turned out

really, really good.

Elle and her arty
skills and stuff.

I think it turned out
really, really good.

Mary: Whoa. Wow.

This is awesome.
You guys, this is beautiful.

I mean, really, it really is.
I'm impressed.

There's always a chance
that no one will show up,

and I'm really nervous
that that's going to happen.

You know, we actually
went down about a tenth a mile

from the house
about four days ago

and got almost 50 lbs
of turds.

Hey, you guys.
Hey, how's it going?

-Hey, hey.
-Well, we just got set up.

Just got set up.
Yeah, but we've made
a sale already.

Tammi: I don't know nothing
about this pop-up event

or what the hell it is.

I think it's a social media
promoting Tirdy Works,

just fancier words being used,
that's all.

-What's your milestone?
-For, like, how many people?

Yeah, how many do you --
100.

You want 100 shares?
Yeah.

We're kind of thinking
maybe we should have

some more foot traffic
in here.

Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna be expecting
big droves of people

to come in here
at any second.

I think as more people
saw people were showing up,

people started coming in
and it was actually pretty busy.

[ Laughter ]

Ready?

[ Laughs ]

For Mary to engage her daughter
and her daughter's friends

who are teenagers into something
that they're familiar with,

whereas Mary and Deb aren't,
is a really smart a idea.

17.
If you could post these.

You know,
and it's the only way

that this business
will become successful.

Make sure you post it
on your Facebook, okay?

These are each 20.

-Yeah, there we go.
-She took it and she did it.

That's good.
I want to encourage that.

How many pictures
did we get?
A lot.

A lot.
Yeah?

Well, she seems to embrace it.

She seems to like it, yeah.
Yeah.

They're all putting
the hashtags,

like hashtag "Tirdy Works" and
like hashtag "I give a crap."

People love it.
I mean, Katie,

I've got to hand it to you,
both you and Ellese,

you guys did a great,
great job marketing on this.

And you got this
beautiful display put together.

[ Laughter ]

Courtney, you did really,
really good, you know,

working with the girls
and stuff.

I mean, this is beautiful.
I mean, I'm impressed.

Katie: I like being
social media manager.

Based on today, I feel like
it's something I'm good at.

You did really, really good.
Pat yourself on the back.

Yeah, I mean,
that was -- that was over

and above the call
of duty right there.

Katie: Now that I've proven
that I can do this,

I feel like I should talk
to Mary about getting paid.

I love your turds,
keep it up.

**

[ Bird caws ]

Dawn: Kristen told me
you'd be coming,

and I figured this spot
right here would be really nice.

-Wow. That's beautiful.
-That's a perfect spot.

Everybody will be able
to see coming through, yes.

Everyone will be walking by and
doing drive-bys on them turds.

You never know.
I get the holy crap turds,

I'm going to put them right over
here next to the keychains.

Deb: I'm really proud
of Mary, actually.

Typically she'd come home
ranting and raving,

just kind of blow it all up.

But she's really doing it,
she's following through.

Market, promote,
get the word out.

I don't want impostors
going around

and trying to do
what they did in this store.

Mary: I'm so happy to get
the turds in the store finally.

I don't know if this is
the tip of the iceberg or not,

but I hope
it's the only iceberg.

Let's get some beer.
[ Laughs ]

I think we should
have a case of beer.

Let's go get beer.