Original subtitles

**

I've got a couple investors with $100,000 on the line.

What is your plan to distribute product?

Actually we do ship [bleep] all over the world.

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle -- otherwise known as

a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

I hate to talk about this,

but my kids kind of inspired me on this one.

These are skid marks. [ Laughter ]

It's been months now, and I've been trying to get

Katie involved in the business.

This is our business. Your business, not mine.

My parents play with poop.

[ Moose grunts ]

We're planning this big event pop-up thing.

Mary: The investors kind of asked me for a marketing plan,

this might be the answer to it.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

How many pictures did we get?

Look, the moose turd earrings, those aren't mine.

Wonder how long they've been doing this for

and I'm just now finding out.

There's a serious problem right now.

[Bleep] is about to go down.

I don't sleep much at night. I'm up about 3:00, 4:00

every morning working on turds.

Have me some Jamaican Me Crazy,

maybe a wake and bake,

and I'll sit there and work on turds

for a good two or three hours

till the kids get up and Deb gets up.

But it's good quiet time, you know,

I get to think and plan and I make lists.

That's one -- Lists are wonderful.

I always make a list every day, and I do it with paper.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

[ Bird caws ]

**

Has anyone asked you to prom?

Yes actually, someone did.

Who? One of my closest girly friends.

Oh. I see. Her name's Ellese.

[ Both laugh ]

Katie: Me and Elise, we get along most of the time.

Sometimes we get into these stupid little fights,

then we always make up.

Okay, so the reason I asked you to come here

is so you can help us because we have an idea.

It's super critical right now to be focusing on marketing.

Part of becoming successful is being prepared for that success.

Okay. What's gonna be your marketing strategy?

I usually go out and I promote my own turds.

And I'm thinking Katie might be able to help with that,

because she's got all kinds of, you know, imagination and skills

and she knows about social media.

It's really important that the investors are impressed.

Mary, she's old and she has a lot of followers and stuff

and she doesn't know what to do with them.

So, like, trying to help her out a little.

And we're planning a social pop-up.

I really had nothing to do with Tirdy Works before,

but now since I'm managing her social media and stuff,

I feel like I'm more involved.

So, we sketched out something.

Ellese: This is going to be made out of wood.

And we were wondering

if you could help make this contraption.

I think giving Katie a role in the Tirdy Works company

is trying to give her structure in life,

but it's also trying to give her experience and responsibility.

And we're gonna have a cut-out of a moose

so people can take other pictures with it.

A life-size moose.

Boop. Maybe bigger, I don't know.

It needs to be big enough for people to come

and take pictures,

because 100 people, if you get ten shares,

yeah, that's like 1,000 people know about Tirdy Works.

I think we all got this.

I think it's a good idea.

Pretty dope idea.

Fist bumps.

[ Chuckles ] Pow!

It's important for Mary to realize

that she needs a complete business plan

to make her business function or to even become successful.

If not, it's gonna fail.

**

Hussey's is the only store in town and,

I mean, they have everything in there from shotguns,

wedding gowns, and cold beer.

But I'll tell you what, I get a phone call from Fire Chief Mike

and he's telling me there's a whole bunch of turds

on the shelves at the Hussey's,

and they're not mine. Come look at this.

Look, the moose turd earrings, those aren't mine. No.

The moose turd keychains, those aren't mine either.

No. I mean, seriously?

They can't even match their turds up.

No. I am six miles down the road

and they're buying [bleep] from up north.

I don't get it. Seriously?

I don't get it. That's not cool.

You know, I mean, come on.

Where's the loyalty?

I'm really mad, but I'm also embarrassed.

I mean, because Deb's looking at this whole situation

and thinking in her head that, "What is wrong with you?

Why did you not have your turds in there?"

but it just -- it never occurred to me to --

to go up there and approach them.

And then on up here, "As seen on TV and in newspapers,"

that's our stuff. That's us. Yeah, yeah.

We have that thing trademarked and LLC,

they can't be doing that. That's crap.

I'm gonna raise hell. Hmm.

Finding this counterfeit crap

is coming at a really bad time for my plan.

There's a serious problem right now,

and [bleep] about to go down.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

I sleep in my tent,

Craig sleeps in his room. I sleep by myself.

He don't like my tent. It's too claustrophobic.

**

Come on, you bitch.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Tammi has trouble sleeping. She --

Any little light will, you know, keep her awake.

Tammi: [Bleep] crazy old woman.

It's like her dungeon, I guess.

[ Chuckles ]

**

It doesn't take much to wake her up.

Tammi: It's like coming out of the closet.

But when she does sleep, she snores like a goddamn bear,

so...

**

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

If I had a great idea and somebody stole it,

I would probably be a little upset.

I would wish karma to get in their way.

I don't think I'd handle it so nicely,

because that was my idea, it's not yours,

so I want it back.

**

You know, it is thirsty Thursday after all.

I was tipsy on Tuesday, that's tipsy Tuesday.

And I was sloshed on Saturday.

Jesus.

[ Cow moos ]

Hey, Tammi. What's going on?

Well, something just happened,

and I'm not too happy about it.

I went to Hussey's General Store this morning

and there's a display of moose turds.

Were they yours? No, they're not my turds.

You know, I've got investors I'm trying to work with,

you know, I'm trying to launch my company out there

and now I found these counterfeit turds.

So, I mean, this is going to be a problem.

I'm not having it, not in my backyard.

No, I don't blame you.

I wonder how long they've been doing this for

and I'm just now finding out.

What did they have there?

Moose turd earrings, the keychains,

and they had moosletoe.

They didn't have the poo-poo clocks?

No, I didn't see any.

Well, they ain't figured that one out yet.

I don't think Mary was well prepared for any competition,

because everything kind of got big so quick.

Competition is competition, that's life.

And the display said,

"As seen on TV, newspapers, and magazines."

That's misleading. Well, that's counterfeit.

Counterfeit means fake.

I ain't counterfeit.

I'm not happy about it. Well, I don't blame you.

And moosletoe, who comes up with that word?

Wow. Go talk to Hussey's, because that's not right.

I can't -- I just can't get over it.

I don't -- So --

You need to go talk to Hussey's.

**

**

[ Clock ticking ]

We have this big plan.

Because you have so many followers on Facebook

and, like, Instagram and stuff and you do nothing with them,

so we're planning this big event pop-up thing.

Giving Katie a chance to run marketing for Tirdy Works,

I'm gonna keep a close eye on her for the first few months

just to kind of see where she's at and where her head's at

and where she's going with things.

And we have this all planned out.

But 80,000's pretty good for not doing anything.

Yeah, and you're gonna lose all those 80,000

unless you're doing something.

They need entertainment, they need events.

You think 80,000 people will come to a --

No, we're planning for 100. 100?

What do you think about it?

Kids these days, they're growing up with social media.

Likes and shares and stuff and that's what it's all about.

You know, when I was a 14-year-old girl,

I didn't really care about how many likes or shares I had.

And I wasn't into threesomes.

And then people are gonna, like, take pictures there

and then they're going to share it

and, like, a whole bunch of people are going to see it.

And then they might want to come to the next event.

Like, that many more people are going to see your stuff

and want to buy it.

It sounds like it could be promising,

it'd be something different.

Do you know when this is going to be held?

Saturday. Saturday.

Deb: That's only a few days away.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

We will get there.

-You gonna wear a dress? -[ Gasps ]

No. It's the dead of winter.

So? Wear leggings. Well, I'm not wearing a dress

because you'll get a draught going up

through my undercarriage. That's why you wear leggings.

That's not me, you know I'm not fluffy.

Yeah, but it's funny.

I'm not wearing a dress.

**

I want a moose turd product, okay,

that I can look at in the palm of my hand.

Because that's the kind of guy I am.

**

[ Knock on door ]

-Come in. -Hi.

Hi. Are you Kristen?

Yes. Hi, Kristen, my name's Mary.

Hi, Mary.

I'm Kristen Valentine,

and I am a fourth-generation family owner

of Hussey's General Store.

I just wanted to maybe take a couple minutes of your time

to have a conversation with you. Sure. Sure.

I have met you before. You have.

It's been a while though.

I don't see Mary a lot, but you hear about her, right?

She's got a pretty crazy personality.

I sell moose turds. Yes.

And I've been doing it a long time

and I've got all kinds of different products.

And I was in here last week

and I was looking around at the gift shop,

and you have turds for sale down there that aren't mine.

And I was a little bit taken back by it,

because, you know, I'm kind of a loyal customer

and stuff and things, and the turds are all local.

So I just can't for the life of me understand

why you wouldn't have wanted my turds in the store

instead of some turds that are from away from here.

I'm totally -- And on the display, it says,

"As seen on TV, newspaper, and ads."

I know last time you -- That's my turds you see on TV

and newspapers and ads. Okay.

You know, I've got a couple of investors with $100,000

on the line.

I mean, what happens if they go into Hussey's

and see those turds on the shelf?

What's that gonna mean?

There is a lot of competition, you know.

Even though you have a really unique business.

I mean, if I don't see it, then I can't do anything about it.

I understand that. So, we usually do like

to see some examples of, like, your best sellers.

And then just show us what's really working in

other places like ours. Okay.

Having her come in with such, I don't know, anger was like,

"Come on now, I mean, you've got to bring in your products."

If I don't know that you have products to sell,

then I can't get any from you.

I mean, I've even got dingleberries with hairy balls.

Wow. Honestly, if she really wanted her product in the store,

she should have been getting out there.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

Welcome to Making Crap with Mary.

This is the DIY show where I show you step-by-step ways

of having fun with poop in your kitchen.

Now today we're going to be digging into [bleep] clips.

**

So step one on this procedure is you've got to find yourself

some good sizable turds right here.

I've got a whole bunch of moose turds.

You can use whatever you want, you can use pig turd,

you can use a dog turd, you can use your kid's turd.

[ Toilet flushes ]

The step two is you're going to drill a hole in the turd

to put your clip in. You have to be kind of gentle.

You don't want to be, like,

jack hammering it or anything like that,

because you're gonna end up violating it.

**

So I just put a big old gob of glue in there.

And then just slide that right in.

That's some fine looking [bleep] right there.

And voilà, that's a [bleep] clip.

I will tell you, if you're out on the water smoking the pot

and you dropped this in the water, it will float.

[ Rooster crows ]

**

[ Clock ticking ]

Mary: What's up? We have some supplies to gussy you up.

To gussy me up? Yeah.

Your Instagram's boring, you need more followers.

No, this is pretty gussed, this is pretty good.

That's not good. No, it's not gussed enough.

I feel like I'm a pretty big part of Tirdy Works

for the whole social media thing.

I'm really excited to do this. I feel like I'm actually,

like, part of it and not being left out.

Your face is a little too wrinkly for me to do this.

I don't have wrinkles. What are you talking about?

Some day you're going to have wrinkles.

[ Laughs ]

Mary: She's already come up with some really good ideas,

so maybe if we kind of grow on those ideas

and try to pick her brain some more,

she might have something else in there.

Oh, no. Oh, we've got to--

What if something happens

and I've got to run out of the house?

Do you think this is good for the Instagram page?

No, she looks like a total idiot.

Wait, I could look like a model and stuff, like --

-No. -Smile.

Do this.

All the girls are popping out their booty,

even if they don't got one.

Oh, I want to pop my booty then.

[ Laughter ]

Now you've got to do your walk, but actually smile.

I could do it sexy too, right? Yeah, sexy.

Katie: Crazy pictures, they get a lot more likes

because people like funny things.

The pictures of Mary in that, it's funny.

Do a kissy face.

Sexy booty pose.

[ Laughter ]

Hashtag "I give a crap." I mean, what could be -- you did this.

[ Laughter ]

It's very frustrating when you see somebody take your idea

and run with it and, you know, really go to town with it.

Competition makes you think of ways

to outsmart your competitor.

Come up with another idea.

[ Laughter ]

**

Kristen: Today I learned that Mary's gonna be coming in

to bring in a crap load of product to show me.

And I'm looking forward to seeing all the things

that I've been hearing so much about it.

Hey, how are you? Hello.

How you doing? Good. How are you?

Yeah, pretty good. It's good seeing you.

Oh. Good to see you too.

I've got the best turds in town.

Well, I've got the only turds in town

because they're local turds,

then we've got someone that's, you know,

impostoring my turds, and that ain't right.

One of the things I wanted to show you was this picture frame.

And it says, "For your favorite [bleep] head."

You know, we do all different kinds of designs.

We have instead of fish and chips,

we've got fish and [bleep].

Oh, my word. See?

What the heck? With those little fish in there.

Are those real fish? Yes.

We buy them at the bait store.

Oh, my word. Yeah.

Mary brought in a ton of product.

That's pretty crafty. Yeah.

And it was a lot, to be honest with you.

It was a lot to absorb. I like the play on words.

I think that's what keeps people

remembering the product. But, you know...

Look at all this. ...what I wanted to do is,

I just wanted to bring you in a couple of each thing,

just so you can kind of see what we have.

All right. Well, some of these things,

I think they could be just a little too out there.

We've got to maintain that family store presence

and, you know, it's a tricky business.

We definitely, I think, could do well with a lot of these things.

Especially, I think this is the best time to try it.

The things that she pulled out are definitely funny

just because she has the tag line to go with it.

So I think it just -- it sells itself

when you've got something funny to go right along with it.

I'll get you an order out.

I could probably get that to you by today,

I could e-mail you an order.

Alright. Alright. Yeah, yeah.

I am kind of thinking that maybe competition is a good thing,

it's gotten me fired up, and I just want to --

I just want to start creating more turds now.

I had an idea. Like, around, like, Valentine's Day,

you could do love turds instead of love birds.

And then love stinks. Oh.

But that just popped into my head this morning

and I knew we were going to see you at some point.

So you've been thinking about turds.

I know, once you start thinking about it, the play on --

Isn't it amazing, you -- I want to do [bleep] luck.

Yeah. It's with a little four-leaf clover in the turd.

See, that could be your St. Patrick's Day.

Oh.

[ Laughs ]

**

-Don't let it fall. -I'm not letting it fall.

**

Team work.

Okay.

There's a lot of things that could go wrong

with this whole thing.

How are we gonna go up the stairs?

This is a really big responsibility and stuff.

And, like, if I screw this up it'd be like

I'm going to disappoint,

like, Mary and everyone, and I don't want to do that.

**

The moose inside doesn't say Tirdy Works,

so it's better if we go in

and get people to take pictures with this.

Because if they post with this one,

then they'll know it's Tirdy Works.

I think people will show up.

I don't really think anyone's gonna show up at the pop-up.

Like, maybe a few people, but I feel like

the word wasn't spread, like, enough beforehand.

I don't know how it's gonna turn out.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

Yankee ingenuity is definitely a real thing in Maine.

Because nine times out of ten, you're stuck,

you've got no place to go,

you know, so far away from every store,

that you've got to make do with what you have.

Got to think outside the box.

You need to be very MacGyver-ish at times.

You know, you've got bailing twine and duct tape,

well, sure you can fix that.

I've fixed truck bumpers with less.

You've kind of got to figure out how to do stuff

on your own, if you wanna do it.

Sometimes when it's long, and you have no place to get --

you know, no way of getting to places

and you just have to figure it out.

Duct tape snorkel on an exhaust, on a Jeep

to get through a beaver bog

for hunting or whatever you're doing.

You see some strange things up here.

People, you know, create things,

build things themselves, you know.

And there's opportunity here.

You know, you can own a big piece of property

and live beside somebody that's doing something

totally different than you.

And it doesn't bother anybody.

Maine is great if you don't need to be entertained.

You have to figure out how to make your own fun

or make the things that are there.

Or you can do just about anything

if you've got a good roll of duct tape.

It's good for just about anything, you know.

Exhaust pipes, putting up art in your home.

**

[ Rooster crows ]

**

**

-Hey, how are you? -Good.

Mary: Good. So I'm here.

Yeah. And we got the thing done.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. You want to go see it?

Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah, okay.

Katie: With the photobooth, I think it turned out

really, really good.

Elle and her arty skills and stuff.

I think it turned out really, really good.

Mary: Whoa. Wow.

This is awesome. You guys, this is beautiful.

I mean, really, it really is. I'm impressed.

There's always a chance that no one will show up,

and I'm really nervous that that's going to happen.

You know, we actually went down about a tenth a mile

from the house about four days ago

and got almost 50 lbs of turds.

Hey, you guys. Hey, how's it going?

-Hey, hey. -Well, we just got set up.

Just got set up. Yeah, but we've made a sale already.

Tammi: I don't know nothing about this pop-up event

or what the hell it is.

I think it's a social media promoting Tirdy Works,

just fancier words being used, that's all.

-What's your milestone? -For, like, how many people?

Yeah, how many do you -- 100.

You want 100 shares? Yeah.

We're kind of thinking maybe we should have

some more foot traffic in here.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna be expecting big droves of people

to come in here at any second.

I think as more people saw people were showing up,

people started coming in and it was actually pretty busy.

[ Laughter ]

Ready?

[ Laughs ]

For Mary to engage her daughter and her daughter's friends

who are teenagers into something that they're familiar with,

whereas Mary and Deb aren't, is a really smart a idea.

17. If you could post these.

You know, and it's the only way

that this business will become successful.

Make sure you post it on your Facebook, okay?

These are each 20.

-Yeah, there we go. -She took it and she did it.

That's good. I want to encourage that.

How many pictures did we get? A lot.

A lot. Yeah?

Well, she seems to embrace it.

She seems to like it, yeah. Yeah.

They're all putting the hashtags,

like hashtag "Tirdy Works" and like hashtag "I give a crap."

People love it. I mean, Katie,

I've got to hand it to you, both you and Ellese,

you guys did a great, great job marketing on this.

And you got this beautiful display put together.

[ Laughter ]

Courtney, you did really, really good, you know,

working with the girls and stuff.

I mean, this is beautiful. I mean, I'm impressed.

Katie: I like being social media manager.

Based on today, I feel like it's something I'm good at.

You did really, really good. Pat yourself on the back.

Yeah, I mean, that was -- that was over

and above the call of duty right there.

Katie: Now that I've proven that I can do this,

I feel like I should talk to Mary about getting paid.

I love your turds, keep it up.

**

[ Bird caws ]

Dawn: Kristen told me you'd be coming,

and I figured this spot right here would be really nice.

-Wow. That's beautiful. -That's a perfect spot.

Everybody will be able to see coming through, yes.

Everyone will be walking by and doing drive-bys on them turds.

You never know. I get the holy crap turds,

I'm going to put them right over here next to the keychains.

Deb: I'm really proud of Mary, actually.

Typically she'd come home ranting and raving,

just kind of blow it all up.

But she's really doing it, she's following through.

Market, promote, get the word out.

I don't want impostors going around

and trying to do what they did in this store.

Mary: I'm so happy to get the turds in the store finally.

I don't know if this is the tip of the iceberg or not,

but I hope it's the only iceberg.

Let's get some beer. [ Laughs ]

I think we should have a case of beer.

Let's go get beer.