All language subtitles for Tirdy Works s01e06_English

**

Well, think about all we learned
from those consultants.

They want $35,000.
Well, what about 401(k)?

No.

Mary thinks that
all of her ideas are marketable.

[ Laughs ]

Now this is similar
to a popsicle,

that's a Poopsicle otherwise
known as

the high-fiber fudgsicle,
tastes like crap.

You need to appeal
to a broader audience.

You've got Facebook, use it.
Ask for some help.

The theater's gonna shut down.

I think it's worth
trying to save.

**

[ Moose snorts ]

You know, I've been thinking
we've got to grow the business.

You're thinking.
That's scary.

It's getting big.
We need to expand.

Emma: We just need to put on
a really good show,

because the worst would be
to put on a bad show.

-Are there any other investors?
-No.

**

I'm hoping to walk out of
that place today with $100,000.

**

Did you hear
the deaf gynecologist?

Did you hear about that?

They read the lips.

[ Laughs ]

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

You know, I've been thinking
we've got to grow the business,

and we need to do something
and it needs to be significant.

You're thinking.
That's scary.

No, something significant
has to give here

because this is getting big.

We need to expand.

You know we see them
business consultants,

the ones in Portland
and the ones in Augusta.

We need to know the
book-keeping, the accounting.

How do you keep track of your
revenue and your expenses?

Would you explain to us
your manufacturing process?

Well, you know, um...

Consultants were asking
a lot of questions,

and Mary didn't
have any answers.

Typically a plan
is $35,000

and you would pay
for half of that up front.

I think she has a clue,
but not many,

but she has a clue.

And I liked them both,

but I kind of felt
a little bit more,

you know, comfortable I think
with the group from Augusta.

I'm thinking, you know,
they're expensive as all [ding].

But they seem more down
to earth, you know?

When I left Ocean Organics,
I left my 401(k)

right there.
It's still there.

I mean, what if I could get
some of that money, and maybe...

Are you listening to me?
-I hear you.

Keep flapping.
What are you saying?
Well, what do you think?

I think it's bull[bleep].

You can't blow your retirement,
that's crazy.

You know, the reason
I do think we need

to be tapping this 401(k)

is because we need
to expand the business.

I think it's going
to pay itself back though.

If you're willing
to take that risk.

What the hell
am I going to do?

You have a friend Delta.

Yeah.
Why don't you use
the local people

instead of wasting $35,000?

Try that way first.

I suppose I could.

I'll talk with Delta.

Right?
So that would be good.

Now it should go smooth
as all get-oh.

I don't think anything
goes smooth with you.

**

Man: Without further ado,
Mary Winchenbach.

"Yeah, I'm the Turd Lady."

And this right here,
instead a cuckoo clock,

see, this Poo Poo Clock.

"You know, you can put a turd
in between the hours,

that's one-turdy..."
-Two-turdy, three-turdy.

"I got stopped by the cops
the other day..."

Got out of a $50 parking ticket
with a $5 turd.

"I happen to have
blue dingleberry

hanging on my rear-view mirror.
And do you know what?"

I give the cop some shit
and he let me go.

I've seen it probably
10,000 times.

I mean, yeah,
it gets a little old.

Mary: Sitting here
replying to a customer,

they've got a freaking box
with nothing in it.

An empty box!
An empty box.

Yeah, so...
How did we do that?

I don't know, but we have

an unhappy customer,
that's one thing.

And then the other thing, we
paid for shipping for nothing.

Quality control's important,
even you're dealing with crap.

Are you smelling
that turd?

That's a fake turd.

I should have a scoop
for these.

Yep.

I've got a message
from The Green Goddess.

The Green Goddess is this gal
I met down in Blue Hill.

She has a big grow down there

and she grows
some wicked good pot.

-Really, what's she doing?
-Well, listen.

It says, "Hi, Mary,
I know a comedian

who's from up here
in Blue Hill.

Her name is Emma Willmann.
I think she's out on tour,

but want me to make an intro
when she's back in town?

Maybe she can help.
Let me know."

Deb's telling me I've got
to change up my routine.

You know, kind of go out
to a broader audience and stuff.

That's pretty slick. Put
something out there on Facebook

and get responses like that.

-Yeah.
-Whose idea was that?

Well, I thought of it first,
but you just thought.

You didn't even want to do it.
You thought it was a dumb idea.

No. But anyway, yeah,
I'd be happy to talk to her.

If Mary's routine appeals
to a broader audience,

it's definitely going
to help Tirdy Works.

You know, she might
know such stuff.

-She might be cute.
-She might be.

Wow, yeah, she has done, she's
done a few big things here.

Both:
Hollywood Improv.
Comedy Club.

New York Comedy Club.
I mean, she really is legit.

-Mmm. And cute too.
-Yeah, she's cute.

You see this going to be great.
She's going to help you

just get away
from those turds a little bit.

I'll message
The Green Goddess back

and let her know
that I'd like to meet her.

I think I'd like
to meet her too.

I get to meet her first.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

I kind of like the poop jokes.

They're off-color there
a little bit,

but it really breaks the tension

when you're in
the middle of something.

Poop jokes are always cool.
And they are --

I was brought up
not to make them.
[ Laughs ]

But they're funny.

Sheep [bleep] jokes
are my favorite thing.

So I love
all the [bleep] talk.
[ Laughs ]

With these turds here,
we crammed a halo in their heads

right there,
we call that a Holy Crap.

[ Laughter ]

If you keep hearing
the same thing,

it could get a little old.

Get, like,
a big old cow turd,

and then I'll take like some
little Christmas tree fronds.

And I'll stick it
out of it for greenery.
Mm-hmm.

And then cover
the rest of it with shrimp.

And then instead
of Forrest Gump,

because he was a shrimper,
we'll call it "Forrest Dump."

[ Crickets chirping ]

And it's a fun humor.
Fun humor.
And it's a fun humor.

No poking fun to anybody,
not putting anybody down.

We've got bags of [bleep] weed,

which is grass clippings
and four turds.

I still laugh
when somebody farts, so...

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

Delta:
I got a joke for you.

I know you've got the big
Pittsfield thing coming up.

Yeah.
What did one fly
say to another?

Is this stool taken?

[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God.
That's a good one.

Mary: Well, I've come
to the Town Hall

here at Somerville today,
because I have a business plan

that I wrote up
and I need advice.

There's a copy for you.
-Okay.

And this is
not professionally

written by any stretch
of the imagination,

because this is my
first time doing it.

Mary is a little...
you know.

I am happy to give her
a little experience,

a little advice
on how to do a business plan.

Do you have
a mission statement

for your business
for Tirdy Works?

Uh...

Maybe we should develop one.

A mission statement?

What's your mission
with the company?

My mission is to spread turds
all over the world.

The reason it's
so important for Mary

to have a good mission
statement,

is because you need to believe
in what you're doing.

And if you do, people will.

You know, what I'm worried about
is that we've had

so many orders right now
and I'm foreseeing

so many more coming up
we don't have enough space.

Step one's money.

So how much are you
going to need do you think?

That's what I don't know.
I don't know what the number is.

You need money
to do marketing.

You need money
to produce the products,

and the grow the company.

Well, maybe ten grand
would be enough.

Oh, no, no, no.
Probably $100,000.

That's a -- I can't even fathom
that kind of money.

I know, but everything
costs a lot these days.

That doesn't even make sense.
It sounds absurd to me.

But maybe there are people
out there that are willing to --

Maybe they believe
enough in the business

that they're willing to invest.

I really think there
are people in Somerville

that would be interested in
getting in on the ground floor.

You do?
I do.
And what I'm going to do,

is I'm going to go out
into the town,

and I'm going to find the people
that I know

are already interested,
and we'll have a meeting.

Why, this is going
to be incredible

if this can come to pass.

The fact that Delta's
going to do this,

and get business people
that I can present

my plan to,
that's incredible.

But I've got a lot of work
to do on the plan.

I've got to make it look
more professional,

because it's got
to be perfect.

Can I still do it in brown ink?
-Please.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

So that's one-turdy,
two-turdy, three-turdy.
[ Laughter ]

Mary is one big poop joke.

We call that the [ding] end
of the stick.

That's called the [honking]
end of the stick.

She just keeps
right on flowing.

[Bleep] keeps flowing
right out of her mouth.

I call it bull[buzz].
We have bull[bleep].

Over the last, you know,
eight to ten years,

I've heard them jokes over
and over and over.

**

-Hey, I found it.
-Hey, you made it!

-Yeah, how you doing?
-Oh!

This is
going to be awesome.

You know, I put a thing
on Facebook a while back,

about kind of needing some help
with my comedy routine.

Apparently The Green Goddess
knows this big-time comic,

and maybe she could help me.

Woman: Hi, Emma.
Emma: How you doing?
Thanks for coming over.

-Yeah. This is Mary.
-Mary.

-Hey, nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, Emma.

-How's it going?
-Well, pretty good.

Good.
My name's Emma Willmann,

and I've been on "Colbert"
two times, I was on the show

"Crazy X-Girlfriend"
for two seasons,

and "The Comedy Line-Up."

-I've seen you.
-Oh, boy.

-You do the stand-up.
-I try, yes, I try.

Well, I saw you,
because I saw your viral video.

We've got dingleberries
with bells,

and we've got the balls.

We've got green balls, red balls
and we've blue balls.

There's no way
there's two people in Maine

selling goose poop
with a viral video.

So I knew right away
who it was.

Wow, this is cool,
thank you.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

She was helping me
with some stuff for my mom,

and then we kind of
connected the dots.

So I'm glad she...
-Yeah.

I had to
introduce you guys.

You guys want a muffin?

Are there nuts
in the muffins?

-I don't know.
-Because they freak me out.

[ Laughter ]

Off the bat, the similarities

between me and Mary,
it's uncanny.

We're two women
from a small town in Maine,

trying to do something weird.

We're both gay, and we both
have irritable bowel syndrome.

So I just want to make sure
like I understand all this.

The business
is selling turds, poop?

-Yes.
-Like actual, from the butt.

Right out of
the moose's butt.

Emma: I still don't quite
understand how it operates.

I get there's the poop,
and they're selling it,

but I don't quite understand
the business model exactly.

But I think it's amazing
that she's selling poop.

Do you do the same spiel
every time?

-Just about.
-Huh.

So basically that's you
doing an act.
It's an act.

Why don't you tell Emma
about the show

that you have coming up
in Pittsfield.

-Oh. Oh, yeah!
-Like what kind of show?

Well, I wanted to do it
for a big variety show.

Okay.
Because they're talking
about closing the theater down,

unless they can start showing
that it's bringing in

some revenue
and some serious interest.

I know about
that Pittsfield Theater,

because it's like a historic...
-Yes!

Yeah. They're going to
shut that down?
Yeah.

I really want to ask Emma
to help me

with this show in Pittsfield,
but I'm going to wait.

You know, I want her
to come over

to at least see
some of my products,

hear some of my routine,
and then maybe

she can give me feedback
from there and help me out.

It would be nice if you could
maybe stop off

at Tirdy Works headquarters
-I would love.

I could show you
all of the stuff

that we have and everything.
-I would elated.

The thing with Mary's story is,
it's totally relatable.

I mean she's really going
for the American dream,

that's what it is
at the heart of it.

So I think I'm going
to head out then,

and I'm going to work
on more crap.

I've got crap to do here,
so whatever you like.

Whenever you've got to go.

She's trying to juggle
having a family and a business,

and make it out of her own maze,
so if Mary can make it,

then that's a real testament
to entrepreneurship and family

and people coming together
to make something happen.

In this case it just
happens to be poop.

Maybe later we could talk
about my hairy balls.

Wait. Um...
[ Laughs ]

Sure.
-[ Laughs ]

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

I'm Mary,
and I'm going to show you

how to process moose turds
the Tirdy Works way.

**

The first thing
you've got to do of course,

you've got to get
yourself some turds.

**

I've got a dehydrator
right here,

and I'm going to load
this sucker right up

with all kinds of turds.

Deb got mad at me
because I started using

the food dehydrators.

So, well, I can't help it,

so now she went and bought
square ones for food.

So I know the square's for food,
round is for turds.

Beautiful, but some of them
are juicy see,

so I've got to make sure
they're dry.

And I'm going to leave them
in there for about 36 hours

until they get wicked dry.

[ Timer ticking, dings ]

The third step is going
to be dipping the turds.

It's like a dip[bleep] station.

Take my secret ingredient.

[ Alarm blaring ]

It's a coating that I use,

and I use two different
kinds of coatings

because some people
like a glistening turd,

and some people like it when
their turds are natural-looking.

They look like great
big old fat blueberries.

And then I put them
on aluminum foil,

so it has a nice place
to drain off.

And within maybe 48 hours,
they're dry.

And I had my turds tested.

And they had
a lower bacterial count

than that of cooked hamburger.

I'm Mary and that's
how we dip [bleep] here

at Tirdy Works headquarters.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

Well, we've got this meeting
tonight and stuff,

and I'm a little bit nervous
about it.

Show how you're
going to run this thing?

What are you going to say?
Let's run through it, yes.

Well, I'm going to
introduce myself.

Tonight I'm going
to get me $100,000.

I've got my business plan done,
I've done my research.

I've got it
all looking all nice,

I've got all gussied up.

I don't know if I should
start showing them

exactly then at that point
what my turds look like.

I think you should open
with the turds

and with some funny stuff
to get their attention.

I know, and then after they'll
be more comfortable with turds

than anything else in life.

What's wrong
with that picture?

-They don't talk back.
-I know.

Okay, so let's pretend
I'm one of your investors.

I'm hoping
this run through really

gets her prepared
for the investor meeting,

and for the answers that
she's going need to present

and the confidence.
Say they ask you,

"So what's
the marketing plan, Mary?

How are you getting
the word out?"

Well, the marketing plan

is just that we're
going to be marketing,

and we're going to be
going on social media.

And that's
an important feature

to make sure to mention
to the investors.

When I first saw Mary's business
plan back at the town office,

it was just a skeleton.

The popularity
is already there.

You have indications
with this growth chart here.

She has put a lot
of work into this.

You just know where this is
headed, and they can get in now,

and it's a real opportunity
for them.

I hope people show up.
There's no one in the seats.

What time are they
supposed to be here?

Soon.
Alright,
I'm feeling pretty good.

-Okay.
-Do you want a refreshment?

I guess so.
I'd better remember not get any
on my shirt though, see,

because then
I'd get a skid mark.

[ Dog barking ]

Do you think someone's
going to show up?

Because no one's here.

Let me see
if I've got a message.

Oh!

They apologize.
They'll have to reschedule.

Are you shitting me?
Seriously?
Mmm. Mm-hmm.

I thought I was ready,
and nobody showed up.

It's like getting stood up
for a date, or something.

Delta:
I know that Mary's really
disappointed with the no show,

but it's the nature
of business -- it happens.

I cannot believe
no one's here.

Come on!
-This is a great opportunity.

You've just got
to get the word out.

You know, it takes
a lot of my time.

I invested my time going down
there, I had it all set up.

I had everything lined up,
I got dressed up and everything.

And then they didn't
even show.

**

-These are the turds?
-These are the turds.

-Can I look? Can I touch them?
-Yeah, yeah. You can touch them.

Wow! That is awesome!

Emma:
Meeting Mary at my house,
I was taken with her.

Like I was wondering more
where she's coming from.

So I hope like
going into her home,

I get more of an idea
what she's all about.

Dogs like to eat
the turdies?
They always eat my crap.

-That's great.
-And this might be too gross.

Well, I mean,
how can I integrate

that will make you comfortable.
There we go.

Like what's the context
for all this poop?

You know, when you
do a presentation,

is it all about the poops,
or how do you set it up?

I set it up pretty much
it's all about the turds.

And I have a story
about every prop that I have.

Would you show me now?

I'll show you
a couple of things.

I know to hit it out
of the park in Pittsfield,

I've got to change
out my routine.

You know, I never thought
I would be getting

some comedic tips
from a real live big-time comic.

Right here instead
of cuckoo clock,

this is a Poo Poo Clock.
-Right.

And what did, see, is
we took them turds

and we crammed them
in between the numbers,

so that's one-turdy,
two-turdy, three-turdy.

That's great.
Now,
like any high quality shirt

with the extra buttons
on the shirt tail...

Yeah.
...we provide four
extra turds on the back,

with turd
attachment instructions.

I really hope Emma can help her

look at the world
through outsider's eyes.

Because Mary doesn't look
at things the same way

as the rest of us do.

Alright, so this is
a brand-new product.

And sometimes you get
into conversations with somebody

and they'll say, "No [bleep]!"
-Right.

Well, I thought why not?

No [bleep].
-That's...

-You know?
-This is awesome!

-Yeah, I mean.
-This is great.

But then this here
is a stool sample.

-That's cute.
-That's the way to go.

-That's cute.
-It's really important that,

you know,
I feel that people like me.

I want people to like me,
I want them to like the turds,

I want to embrace the turds
and the concept, and the jokes.

I don' know, Emma.
I've got to figure this out.

I mean, this Pittsfield Theater,
I really want to save it.

Sure. Here's your thing.
I believe that you can do it.

I'm in to help out
any way I can.

I think we've got
a big opportunity there,

we just need to put on
a really good show.

Because the worst would be
to put on a bad show.

Her material is pretty raw,
it's all on one topic, the poop.

And we're going to need
to expand

that if we want to put on
a really good show.

I'm going to give you
a couple of assignments,

to start thinking about stuff
other than poop,

not that there's anything,
you know, wrong with that.

But try to expand it
a little bit.

Yes, I need that.

She'll listen to that cute
little blond girl, yep.

[ Laughs ]
That's what it's all about.

I'm not [bleep]ing you.

Thank you, Mary.
I'll talk to you soon.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

The key to survival in Maine?

Be okay with having three jobs.
[ Chuckles ]

Stay warm during the winter.
That's the biggest thing.

So you have to be, you know,
pretty resilient

just to kind of make it
through the winter.

Up here in Maine, you've got
to work a patchwork economy.

You've got to be able to work
with what you've got.

You've got to be able to make
something out of nothing,

and you've got to be
creative about it.

Have a good head
on your shoulders.

Have a good head
on your shoulders.

Stay level-headed,
stay hard-working

and just stay committed
to what you love.

Being a jack of all trades,
a master of nothing.

Just use your hands
if you can.

If you don't,
I almost hate to say it,

but you ain't going to get
far up here. [ Laughs ]
No.

I don't think Maine's
for everyone, you know?

I mean we have
mud season up here,

and I think we've got
some city slickers out there

that just really couldn't live
in our world for that reason.

Mud season,

got to make sure you've got
your smuck muck boots.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

Mary: When I'm going through
this, should I read through

the whole thing,
or should I just give it to them

and then hit
on the points, or...?

This is the just the beginning,
this is a jumping off place

and I think this looks
really good to hand

to a couple of guys
coming tonight.

Really really good prospects.
-Okay, excellent.

Mary: You know, Delta said
she was going to have

a bunch of investors
at that last meeting,

nobody showed!
Like I mentioned last time,

it's important to grab their
attention, so start with humor.

You know with Debs here
and nobody shows up,

Debs going to be pissed.

**

-We had some friends over...
-Hello.

-Hi.
-Hey!

-Hey, Mary.
-How are you guys?

-And Deb and Delta.
-We moved from California

to Maine -- wow,
it's hard to explain.

It's more of we love
peace and quiet.

The slow movement,

and we fell in love
with Maine because of that.

When I was born in California,
there were six million people,

now there's 40.

Somerville, Maine, is like
how I grew up.

When Delta asked us here, like,
we were just really excited

and want to learn
as much as we can tonight

about your strategies.

Well I've worked for a hand
railing manufacturer

for going on
42 years now.

We do high-profile projects
all over the Bay area.

We turned that into just a
thriving unbelievable business.

I've made up some business plans
so you can see.

But before we get
started on that,

I know that you guys, you know,
you know that I do turds.

The Poo Poo Clock
that I have here,

this is our biggest seller.
[ Laughter ]

And we're actually working
on incorporating a machine,

so when that strike sounds it's
gonna go [blows raspberry].

But the thing is,
we sell these for...

-$45.
-...45 bucks online.

Mary likes to project comedy
non-stop.
Mm-hmm.

But we wanted Mary to focus
from the comedy part

of what she's doing,
to the business aspect of it.

I've been doing this business
for a quite a while.

And so it is my goal
to get turds

in every state
in the country, and...

-Turds around the world.
-Yeah, I mean we actually --

we do ship [bleep]
all over the world.

And without touching my website,
I have 80,000 followers.

-How many?
-80,000.

I hadn't really heard much
about Mary at all

until a couple
of years ago.

You know, I just thought
it was a house on the corner,

where you turned to go
to the Town Office

with a giraffe
and an elephant out front.

I can see this
becoming successful,

but part of
becoming successful

is being prepared
for that success.

We need more detail.
-Okay.

Have you come up
with what it costs per turd?

I came up
with 40 cents a turd.

What's going to be
your marketing strategy?

I usually go out
and I promote my own turds.

Do you have a workers
comp policy?

-No.
-Are there any other investors?

No.

Deb: I'm kind of on the fence
on this one, you know.

[ Sighs ]
I find it hard to believe

that somebody would want
to invest in a turd business.

What other plans
do you have?

Well, we're also getting
into the

cannabis dispensaries
and stuff.

-Really.
-And we have [bleep] clips,

and we also have
turd fertilization kits,

which consists
of a clay pot,

and turds with drilled
holes in them.

What is your plan
to distribute product

outside of the state
of Maine?

We kind of distribute
anywhere we go really.

Some of it's for free,
some of it's not, you know?

I always carry turds with me
in the car in case.

Okay, but what you're
talking about is local.

There were so many holes in
everything, it was unbelievable.

That sparked my interest
to kind of see what I could do

to bring reality to what's
going to happen to them.

That's some information

that we're going to want
to have in more detail.

That's critical.

**

I think a maybe
is better than a no,

because a no means no,
and a maybe means maybe.

Deb:
I'm not so sure, you know?

I mean who wants to invest
in [bleep]? I mean, come on!

Would you invest in [Bleep]?

I mean...

that ain't right.

**