Original subtitles

**

Well, think about all we learned from those consultants.

They want $35,000. Well, what about 401(k)?

No.

Mary thinks that all of her ideas are marketable.

[ Laughs ]

Now this is similar to a popsicle,

that's a Poopsicle otherwise known as

the high-fiber fudgsicle, tastes like crap.

You need to appeal to a broader audience.

You've got Facebook, use it. Ask for some help.

The theater's gonna shut down.

I think it's worth trying to save.

**

[ Moose snorts ]

You know, I've been thinking we've got to grow the business.

You're thinking. That's scary.

It's getting big. We need to expand.

Emma: We just need to put on a really good show,

because the worst would be to put on a bad show.

-Are there any other investors? -No.

**

I'm hoping to walk out of that place today with $100,000.

**

Did you hear the deaf gynecologist?

Did you hear about that?

They read the lips.

[ Laughs ]

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

You know, I've been thinking we've got to grow the business,

and we need to do something and it needs to be significant.

You're thinking. That's scary.

No, something significant has to give here

because this is getting big.

We need to expand.

You know we see them business consultants,

the ones in Portland and the ones in Augusta.

We need to know the book-keeping, the accounting.

How do you keep track of your revenue and your expenses?

Would you explain to us your manufacturing process?

Well, you know, um...

Consultants were asking a lot of questions,

and Mary didn't have any answers.

Typically a plan is $35,000

and you would pay for half of that up front.

I think she has a clue, but not many,

but she has a clue.

And I liked them both,

but I kind of felt a little bit more,

you know, comfortable I think with the group from Augusta.

I'm thinking, you know, they're expensive as all [ding].

But they seem more down to earth, you know?

When I left Ocean Organics, I left my 401(k)

right there. It's still there.

I mean, what if I could get some of that money, and maybe...

Are you listening to me? -I hear you.

Keep flapping. What are you saying? Well, what do you think?

I think it's bull[bleep].

You can't blow your retirement, that's crazy.

You know, the reason I do think we need

to be tapping this 401(k)

is because we need to expand the business.

I think it's going to pay itself back though.

If you're willing to take that risk.

What the hell am I going to do?

You have a friend Delta.

Yeah. Why don't you use the local people

instead of wasting $35,000?

Try that way first.

I suppose I could.

I'll talk with Delta.

Right? So that would be good.

Now it should go smooth as all get-oh.

I don't think anything goes smooth with you.

**

Man: Without further ado, Mary Winchenbach.

"Yeah, I'm the Turd Lady."

And this right here, instead a cuckoo clock,

see, this Poo Poo Clock.

"You know, you can put a turd in between the hours,

that's one-turdy..." -Two-turdy, three-turdy.

"I got stopped by the cops the other day..."

Got out of a $50 parking ticket with a $5 turd.

"I happen to have blue dingleberry

hanging on my rear-view mirror. And do you know what?"

I give the cop some shit and he let me go.

I've seen it probably 10,000 times.

I mean, yeah, it gets a little old.

Mary: Sitting here replying to a customer,

they've got a freaking box with nothing in it.

An empty box! An empty box.

Yeah, so... How did we do that?

I don't know, but we have

an unhappy customer, that's one thing.

And then the other thing, we paid for shipping for nothing.

Quality control's important, even you're dealing with crap.

Are you smelling that turd?

That's a fake turd.

I should have a scoop for these.

Yep.

I've got a message from The Green Goddess.

The Green Goddess is this gal I met down in Blue Hill.

She has a big grow down there

and she grows some wicked good pot.

-Really, what's she doing? -Well, listen.

It says, "Hi, Mary, I know a comedian

who's from up here in Blue Hill.

Her name is Emma Willmann. I think she's out on tour,

but want me to make an intro when she's back in town?

Maybe she can help. Let me know."

Deb's telling me I've got to change up my routine.

You know, kind of go out to a broader audience and stuff.

That's pretty slick. Put something out there on Facebook

and get responses like that.

-Yeah. -Whose idea was that?

Well, I thought of it first, but you just thought.

You didn't even want to do it. You thought it was a dumb idea.

No. But anyway, yeah, I'd be happy to talk to her.

If Mary's routine appeals to a broader audience,

it's definitely going to help Tirdy Works.

You know, she might know such stuff.

-She might be cute. -She might be.

Wow, yeah, she has done, she's done a few big things here.

Both: Hollywood Improv. Comedy Club.

New York Comedy Club. I mean, she really is legit.

-Mmm. And cute too. -Yeah, she's cute.

You see this going to be great. She's going to help you

just get away from those turds a little bit.

I'll message The Green Goddess back

and let her know that I'd like to meet her.

I think I'd like to meet her too.

I get to meet her first.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

I kind of like the poop jokes.

They're off-color there a little bit,

but it really breaks the tension

when you're in the middle of something.

Poop jokes are always cool. And they are --

I was brought up not to make them. [ Laughs ]

But they're funny.

Sheep [bleep] jokes are my favorite thing.

So I love all the [bleep] talk. [ Laughs ]

With these turds here, we crammed a halo in their heads

right there, we call that a Holy Crap.

[ Laughter ]

If you keep hearing the same thing,

it could get a little old.

Get, like, a big old cow turd,

and then I'll take like some little Christmas tree fronds.

And I'll stick it out of it for greenery. Mm-hmm.

And then cover the rest of it with shrimp.

And then instead of Forrest Gump,

because he was a shrimper, we'll call it "Forrest Dump."

[ Crickets chirping ]

And it's a fun humor. Fun humor. And it's a fun humor.

No poking fun to anybody, not putting anybody down.

We've got bags of [bleep] weed,

which is grass clippings and four turds.

I still laugh when somebody farts, so...

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

Delta: I got a joke for you.

I know you've got the big Pittsfield thing coming up.

Yeah. What did one fly say to another?

Is this stool taken?

[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. That's a good one.

Mary: Well, I've come to the Town Hall

here at Somerville today, because I have a business plan

that I wrote up and I need advice.

There's a copy for you. -Okay.

And this is not professionally

written by any stretch of the imagination,

because this is my first time doing it.

Mary is a little... you know.

I am happy to give her a little experience,

a little advice on how to do a business plan.

Do you have a mission statement

for your business for Tirdy Works?

Uh...

Maybe we should develop one.

A mission statement?

What's your mission with the company?

My mission is to spread turds all over the world.

The reason it's so important for Mary

to have a good mission statement,

is because you need to believe in what you're doing.

And if you do, people will.

You know, what I'm worried about is that we've had

so many orders right now and I'm foreseeing

so many more coming up we don't have enough space.

Step one's money.

So how much are you going to need do you think?

That's what I don't know. I don't know what the number is.

You need money to do marketing.

You need money to produce the products,

and the grow the company.

Well, maybe ten grand would be enough.

Oh, no, no, no. Probably $100,000.

That's a -- I can't even fathom that kind of money.

I know, but everything costs a lot these days.

That doesn't even make sense. It sounds absurd to me.

But maybe there are people out there that are willing to --

Maybe they believe enough in the business

that they're willing to invest.

I really think there are people in Somerville

that would be interested in getting in on the ground floor.

You do? I do. And what I'm going to do,

is I'm going to go out into the town,

and I'm going to find the people that I know

are already interested, and we'll have a meeting.

Why, this is going to be incredible

if this can come to pass.

The fact that Delta's going to do this,

and get business people that I can present

my plan to, that's incredible.

But I've got a lot of work to do on the plan.

I've got to make it look more professional,

because it's got to be perfect.

Can I still do it in brown ink? -Please.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

So that's one-turdy, two-turdy, three-turdy. [ Laughter ]

Mary is one big poop joke.

We call that the [ding] end of the stick.

That's called the [honking] end of the stick.

She just keeps right on flowing.

[Bleep] keeps flowing right out of her mouth.

I call it bull[buzz]. We have bull[bleep].

Over the last, you know, eight to ten years,

I've heard them jokes over and over and over.

**

-Hey, I found it. -Hey, you made it!

-Yeah, how you doing? -Oh!

This is going to be awesome.

You know, I put a thing on Facebook a while back,

about kind of needing some help with my comedy routine.

Apparently The Green Goddess knows this big-time comic,

and maybe she could help me.

Woman: Hi, Emma. Emma: How you doing? Thanks for coming over.

-Yeah. This is Mary. -Mary.

-Hey, nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you, Emma.

-How's it going? -Well, pretty good.

Good. My name's Emma Willmann,

and I've been on "Colbert" two times, I was on the show

"Crazy X-Girlfriend" for two seasons,

and "The Comedy Line-Up."

-I've seen you. -Oh, boy.

-You do the stand-up. -I try, yes, I try.

Well, I saw you, because I saw your viral video.

We've got dingleberries with bells,

and we've got the balls.

We've got green balls, red balls and we've blue balls.

There's no way there's two people in Maine

selling goose poop with a viral video.

So I knew right away who it was.

Wow, this is cool, thank you.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

She was helping me with some stuff for my mom,

and then we kind of connected the dots.

So I'm glad she... -Yeah.

I had to introduce you guys.

You guys want a muffin?

Are there nuts in the muffins?

-I don't know. -Because they freak me out.

[ Laughter ]

Off the bat, the similarities

between me and Mary, it's uncanny.

We're two women from a small town in Maine,

trying to do something weird.

We're both gay, and we both have irritable bowel syndrome.

So I just want to make sure like I understand all this.

The business is selling turds, poop?

-Yes. -Like actual, from the butt.

Right out of the moose's butt.

Emma: I still don't quite understand how it operates.

I get there's the poop, and they're selling it,

but I don't quite understand the business model exactly.

But I think it's amazing that she's selling poop.

Do you do the same spiel every time?

-Just about. -Huh.

So basically that's you doing an act. It's an act.

Why don't you tell Emma about the show

that you have coming up in Pittsfield.

-Oh. Oh, yeah! -Like what kind of show?

Well, I wanted to do it for a big variety show.

Okay. Because they're talking about closing the theater down,

unless they can start showing that it's bringing in

some revenue and some serious interest.

I know about that Pittsfield Theater,

because it's like a historic... -Yes!

Yeah. They're going to shut that down? Yeah.

I really want to ask Emma to help me

with this show in Pittsfield, but I'm going to wait.

You know, I want her to come over

to at least see some of my products,

hear some of my routine, and then maybe

she can give me feedback from there and help me out.

It would be nice if you could maybe stop off

at Tirdy Works headquarters -I would love.

I could show you all of the stuff

that we have and everything. -I would elated.

The thing with Mary's story is, it's totally relatable.

I mean she's really going for the American dream,

that's what it is at the heart of it.

So I think I'm going to head out then,

and I'm going to work on more crap.

I've got crap to do here, so whatever you like.

Whenever you've got to go.

She's trying to juggle having a family and a business,

and make it out of her own maze, so if Mary can make it,

then that's a real testament to entrepreneurship and family

and people coming together to make something happen.

In this case it just happens to be poop.

Maybe later we could talk about my hairy balls.

Wait. Um... [ Laughs ]

Sure. -[ Laughs ]

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

I'm Mary, and I'm going to show you

how to process moose turds the Tirdy Works way.

**

The first thing you've got to do of course,

you've got to get yourself some turds.

**

I've got a dehydrator right here,

and I'm going to load this sucker right up

with all kinds of turds.

Deb got mad at me because I started using

the food dehydrators.

So, well, I can't help it,

so now she went and bought square ones for food.

So I know the square's for food, round is for turds.

Beautiful, but some of them are juicy see,

so I've got to make sure they're dry.

And I'm going to leave them in there for about 36 hours

until they get wicked dry.

[ Timer ticking, dings ]

The third step is going to be dipping the turds.

It's like a dip[bleep] station.

Take my secret ingredient.

[ Alarm blaring ]

It's a coating that I use,

and I use two different kinds of coatings

because some people like a glistening turd,

and some people like it when their turds are natural-looking.

They look like great big old fat blueberries.

And then I put them on aluminum foil,

so it has a nice place to drain off.

And within maybe 48 hours, they're dry.

And I had my turds tested.

And they had a lower bacterial count

than that of cooked hamburger.

I'm Mary and that's how we dip [bleep] here

at Tirdy Works headquarters.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

Well, we've got this meeting tonight and stuff,

and I'm a little bit nervous about it.

Show how you're going to run this thing?

What are you going to say? Let's run through it, yes.

Well, I'm going to introduce myself.

Tonight I'm going to get me $100,000.

I've got my business plan done, I've done my research.

I've got it all looking all nice,

I've got all gussied up.

I don't know if I should start showing them

exactly then at that point what my turds look like.

I think you should open with the turds

and with some funny stuff to get their attention.

I know, and then after they'll be more comfortable with turds

than anything else in life.

What's wrong with that picture?

-They don't talk back. -I know.

Okay, so let's pretend I'm one of your investors.

I'm hoping this run through really

gets her prepared for the investor meeting,

and for the answers that she's going need to present

and the confidence. Say they ask you,

"So what's the marketing plan, Mary?

How are you getting the word out?"

Well, the marketing plan

is just that we're going to be marketing,

and we're going to be going on social media.

And that's an important feature

to make sure to mention to the investors.

When I first saw Mary's business plan back at the town office,

it was just a skeleton.

The popularity is already there.

You have indications with this growth chart here.

She has put a lot of work into this.

You just know where this is headed, and they can get in now,

and it's a real opportunity for them.

I hope people show up. There's no one in the seats.

What time are they supposed to be here?

Soon. Alright, I'm feeling pretty good.

-Okay. -Do you want a refreshment?

I guess so. I'd better remember not get any on my shirt though, see,

because then I'd get a skid mark.

[ Dog barking ]

Do you think someone's going to show up?

Because no one's here.

Let me see if I've got a message.

Oh!

They apologize. They'll have to reschedule.

Are you shitting me? Seriously? Mmm. Mm-hmm.

I thought I was ready, and nobody showed up.

It's like getting stood up for a date, or something.

Delta: I know that Mary's really disappointed with the no show,

but it's the nature of business -- it happens.

I cannot believe no one's here.

Come on! -This is a great opportunity.

You've just got to get the word out.

You know, it takes a lot of my time.

I invested my time going down there, I had it all set up.

I had everything lined up, I got dressed up and everything.

And then they didn't even show.

**

-These are the turds? -These are the turds.

-Can I look? Can I touch them? -Yeah, yeah. You can touch them.

Wow! That is awesome!

Emma: Meeting Mary at my house, I was taken with her.

Like I was wondering more where she's coming from.

So I hope like going into her home,

I get more of an idea what she's all about.

Dogs like to eat the turdies? They always eat my crap.

-That's great. -And this might be too gross.

Well, I mean, how can I integrate

that will make you comfortable. There we go.

Like what's the context for all this poop?

You know, when you do a presentation,

is it all about the poops, or how do you set it up?

I set it up pretty much it's all about the turds.

And I have a story about every prop that I have.

Would you show me now?

I'll show you a couple of things.

I know to hit it out of the park in Pittsfield,

I've got to change out my routine.

You know, I never thought I would be getting

some comedic tips from a real live big-time comic.

Right here instead of cuckoo clock,

this is a Poo Poo Clock. -Right.

And what did, see, is we took them turds

and we crammed them in between the numbers,

so that's one-turdy, two-turdy, three-turdy.

That's great. Now, like any high quality shirt

with the extra buttons on the shirt tail...

Yeah. ...we provide four extra turds on the back,

with turd attachment instructions.

I really hope Emma can help her

look at the world through outsider's eyes.

Because Mary doesn't look at things the same way

as the rest of us do.

Alright, so this is a brand-new product.

And sometimes you get into conversations with somebody

and they'll say, "No [bleep]!" -Right.

Well, I thought why not?

No [bleep]. -That's...

-You know? -This is awesome!

-Yeah, I mean. -This is great.

But then this here is a stool sample.

-That's cute. -That's the way to go.

-That's cute. -It's really important that,

you know, I feel that people like me.

I want people to like me, I want them to like the turds,

I want to embrace the turds and the concept, and the jokes.

I don' know, Emma. I've got to figure this out.

I mean, this Pittsfield Theater, I really want to save it.

Sure. Here's your thing. I believe that you can do it.

I'm in to help out any way I can.

I think we've got a big opportunity there,

we just need to put on a really good show.

Because the worst would be to put on a bad show.

Her material is pretty raw, it's all on one topic, the poop.

And we're going to need to expand

that if we want to put on a really good show.

I'm going to give you a couple of assignments,

to start thinking about stuff other than poop,

not that there's anything, you know, wrong with that.

But try to expand it a little bit.

Yes, I need that.

She'll listen to that cute little blond girl, yep.

[ Laughs ] That's what it's all about.

I'm not [bleep]ing you.

Thank you, Mary. I'll talk to you soon.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

**

The key to survival in Maine?

Be okay with having three jobs. [ Chuckles ]

Stay warm during the winter. That's the biggest thing.

So you have to be, you know, pretty resilient

just to kind of make it through the winter.

Up here in Maine, you've got to work a patchwork economy.

You've got to be able to work with what you've got.

You've got to be able to make something out of nothing,

and you've got to be creative about it.

Have a good head on your shoulders.

Have a good head on your shoulders.

Stay level-headed, stay hard-working

and just stay committed to what you love.

Being a jack of all trades, a master of nothing.

Just use your hands if you can.

If you don't, I almost hate to say it,

but you ain't going to get far up here. [ Laughs ] No.

I don't think Maine's for everyone, you know?

I mean we have mud season up here,

and I think we've got some city slickers out there

that just really couldn't live in our world for that reason.

Mud season,

got to make sure you've got your smuck muck boots.

**

[ Moose bellows ]

Mary: When I'm going through this, should I read through

the whole thing, or should I just give it to them

and then hit on the points, or...?

This is the just the beginning, this is a jumping off place

and I think this looks really good to hand

to a couple of guys coming tonight.

Really really good prospects. -Okay, excellent.

Mary: You know, Delta said she was going to have

a bunch of investors at that last meeting,

nobody showed! Like I mentioned last time,

it's important to grab their attention, so start with humor.

You know with Debs here and nobody shows up,

Debs going to be pissed.

**

-We had some friends over... -Hello.

-Hi. -Hey!

-Hey, Mary. -How are you guys?

-And Deb and Delta. -We moved from California

to Maine -- wow, it's hard to explain.

It's more of we love peace and quiet.

The slow movement,

and we fell in love with Maine because of that.

When I was born in California, there were six million people,

now there's 40.

Somerville, Maine, is like how I grew up.

When Delta asked us here, like, we were just really excited

and want to learn as much as we can tonight

about your strategies.

Well I've worked for a hand railing manufacturer

for going on 42 years now.

We do high-profile projects all over the Bay area.

We turned that into just a thriving unbelievable business.

I've made up some business plans so you can see.

But before we get started on that,

I know that you guys, you know, you know that I do turds.

The Poo Poo Clock that I have here,

this is our biggest seller. [ Laughter ]

And we're actually working on incorporating a machine,

so when that strike sounds it's gonna go [blows raspberry].

But the thing is, we sell these for...

-$45. -...45 bucks online.

Mary likes to project comedy non-stop. Mm-hmm.

But we wanted Mary to focus from the comedy part

of what she's doing, to the business aspect of it.

I've been doing this business for a quite a while.

And so it is my goal to get turds

in every state in the country, and...

-Turds around the world. -Yeah, I mean we actually --

we do ship [bleep] all over the world.

And without touching my website, I have 80,000 followers.

-How many? -80,000.

I hadn't really heard much about Mary at all

until a couple of years ago.

You know, I just thought it was a house on the corner,

where you turned to go to the Town Office

with a giraffe and an elephant out front.

I can see this becoming successful,

but part of becoming successful

is being prepared for that success.

We need more detail. -Okay.

Have you come up with what it costs per turd?

I came up with 40 cents a turd.

What's going to be your marketing strategy?

I usually go out and I promote my own turds.

Do you have a workers comp policy?

-No. -Are there any other investors?

No.

Deb: I'm kind of on the fence on this one, you know.

[ Sighs ] I find it hard to believe

that somebody would want to invest in a turd business.

What other plans do you have?

Well, we're also getting into the

cannabis dispensaries and stuff.

-Really. -And we have [bleep] clips,

and we also have turd fertilization kits,

which consists of a clay pot,

and turds with drilled holes in them.

What is your plan to distribute product

outside of the state of Maine?

We kind of distribute anywhere we go really.

Some of it's for free, some of it's not, you know?

I always carry turds with me in the car in case.

Okay, but what you're talking about is local.

There were so many holes in everything, it was unbelievable.

That sparked my interest to kind of see what I could do

to bring reality to what's going to happen to them.

That's some information

that we're going to want to have in more detail.

That's critical.

**

I think a maybe is better than a no,

because a no means no, and a maybe means maybe.

Deb: I'm not so sure, you know?

I mean who wants to invest in [bleep]? I mean, come on!

Would you invest in [Bleep]?

I mean...

that ain't right.

**