Original subtitles

**

I want to join this wrestling team.

You're not wrestling the boys.

We've got a lot of stuff to fix,

and we're still playing with turds.

What are you going to do?

Now, this is sort of a Popsicle.

That's a Poopsicle, also known as a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

Cannabis, I mean, seriously, what a revelation.

There's cannabis shops everywhere.

We've got to get these in the dispensaries,

get little Tird Fertilization Kits out.

Slam me on the ground, damn it.

I want to be my own person, do different stuff.

As far as running a business, I don't know how to do that.

Then why I am here?

We could design a business plan for $50,000.

She's got a lot of work to do.

The deal was, you were going to make Tirdy Works profitable.

Spending our 401(k) is not making it profitable.

That's putting us further in debt.

We've known each other a pretty good long time.

Yeah, I'd say.

Too [bleep] long. No!

Freakin' weirdo.

Don't you make me mad. 'Cause you ain't right.

Don't you make me mad.

I'm the one -- you have to worry about making me mad...

No, no because you once in a while...

...because I got a temper.

I can get mad, too.

Not like I can.

I can say things.

I can do worse than that.

I can do things. [Bleep].

[ Laughs ]

**

**

This first box here is going to be,

I guess, for the Highbrows.

Yeah, yeah. How many do we need for them?

They need three of each.

Three Tird Fertilization Kits and three [bleep] clips.

Yep.

We're doing about three times

more production this year than we were last year.

We sold those alpaca clocks over there in New Hampshire,

and it went really well.

Busglass. Busglass.

She'd like a couple of each. Two of each.

Stinky Larry's wants two of each.

Two of each. Perfect.

You know...

I'm a little bit sick of this [bleep], you know, literally.

I know. It's just a little bit overwhelming,

and it's going to get worse too.

You know, the kids are right. It is...

It's getting to be too much, and we have it everywhere,

and, I mean, we can't function anymore as a family.

Here is the deal.

It's time to start treating this like a real business

because, I mean, we've had a little bit of an issue

with orders being all jumbled.

I think we need real help.

We need to look at expanding.

I don't know where and how

and how we're possibly going to do that.

And we need a plan.

I mean, who's going to...

I'm not going to come up with a plan.

A business consultant might get us on the right track for,

you know, at least maybe getting our office organized.

I agree with that.

I want to talk with some consultants and see

what they have for feedback and suggestions and ideas.

Hopefully, they'll help us move forward.

The thing is, if we want to keep this business

continuing to grow, we're going to have to grow with it.

**

Right now, Deb and I are wrestling

with a couple different things.

The first thing is which consultant to go with,

and the second thing is Katie wanting to wrestle with boys.

[ Flies buzzing ]

What kind of tips you looking for?

I mean... I don't know. Like...

You want to pick somebody up and throw them,

pick somebody up and slam them,

choke them out, throw them around, beat them with a chair?

What are you doing?

Katie was a sweet kid growing up,

but she was a little bit of a challenge

because she was very inquisitive,

and rather than asking questions,

she'd just go ahead and conduct exploratories on her own,

but we worked through it,

and we did a lot of explaining to her about it.

Deb: Giving Katie structure has been kind of difficult

because she bucks the system.

Slam me on the ground, damn it.

Just throw me!

That's it?

That's all you know, is just how to push people over?

People wouldn't really expect a girl

to want to wrestle and stuff.

They'd be, like, all beauty and stuff,

which I'm into that, too.

That felt like a mosquito biting me or something.

Shut up. I'm trying to be a game changer,

but my parents are, like, not up for it.

So you got to stay in your stance, you know,

and when you're standing there,

you can, like, kind of smack people

upside the face to catch them off guard.

You got to be willing to kick some ass.

But wrestling just kind of seems like an all-body,

wrap-your-legs-around-them sport where everyone is touching,

and I just don't think it's cool at her age.

I don't.

Go for a leg, and then you just slam them.

Yeah, but, like, that's so aggressive.

Wrestling boys, there's some really decent guys on that team,

but, like, yeah, there's some guys that are a little iffy,

but...

It's easy.

You just got to grab a hold of somebody and throw them around.

Ugh, now I have a rock up my butt.

She's not even thinking straight half the time about stuff

because it seems like her priorities

are not schoolwork or anything.

It's more or less just boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.

So you got to do that... Yeah, yeah.

...thingy that I can't move my arms?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh! Ooh!

All right. Yeah.

That's good. That's good.

That's good before you pop my shoulder out of place.

**

[ Music, bleating, cowbell ]

**

Parenting is, like, one of the hardest things

in the whole world to me.

I don't think Mary has any sense of,

like, what's cool and stuff.

The toughest part about raising teenagers...

**

Teenagers are rebellious, particularly if they're only 14.

And they're very argumentative.

I said what I want to do, but...

Yeah, the teenage years are the most fun years for me

because it's usually a battle of wits.

It's so embarrassing. Ah!

Letting them do whatever they want,

that's just asking for trouble.

I got my nose pierced.

Well, I just stuck a needle through my nose.

You know, sometimes you win.

Sometimes they win, but that's part of the fun of it,

part of the fun of raising teenagers.

I'm raising a 14-year-old granddaughter, you know,

and I'm scared to death.

I can't answer this question. I don't know about raising kids.

**

[ Music, bleating, cowbell ]

**

Apparently, I'm going to go there,

and they're going to give me tips,

I guess, on how to run a business right.

Deb and I have been talking,

kind of decided amongst ourselves

that we probably need some professional help

with the business because neither one of us

are really business-savvy.

As far as running a business, I don't know how to do that.

Then why am I here?

Because you're going to frigging let me know if you think

that they're giving me some bull [bleep] or not.

I'm going to be counting on you to kind of...

[Bleep], don't count on me.

Right now, I'm taking Tammi

to those business consultants in Portland,

and she's not used to getting out too much

and going out of town, so here we go,

and she's all fretting because we're going...

The speed limit is 70 miles an hour.

We're going 60 something.

Yeah. And see the road is wet.

[Bleep] whiplash!

Very rarely do I drive on a freeway.

I rode with Mary to Portland. That was enough.

I feel like we're in a rocket ship.

I'm an old lady. I putt along.

I don't go 75 miles an hour.

**

We ought to crumble a turd up in one of them plants up there.

Go ahead.

Think if we come back in a month,

and that thing would be three times that size.

Don't drop your [bleep]. Hurry up.

They probably got you on video, seeing you do that.

Oh, very well could.

I'm going to tell them, say it was your idea.

Weren't my idea. [Bleep].

I'm not a businessperson.

I never had been, so I think it's going to be a matter

of extracting information from certain people that know

about what they're doing and stuff,

and maybe they can help me along.

Thank you guys so much for kind of meeting us and stuff.

Yeah, thank you for coming. Yeah.

Right now, as it is, the business is just getting

bigger and bigger and bigger, and I don't know how to fix it

to make it run like a normal business, you know?

Like, I don't know what to do.

You going to let them talk?

So I need help.

I understand you brought some products with you,

just to give us a feel for it.

Yeah, I just brought some of

the biggest sellers that we have.

Instead of a cuckoo clock, this is the Poo Poo Clock,

so there's a one-tirdy, two-tirdy, three-tirdy.

Man: So my specialty is I help value businesses

and help streamline businesses to make them more profitable.

Do you have a business plan? No.

Yeah, we should help you with that.

All right.

What sort of branding do you have?

Because I see the clock, and it's fantastic,

but I don't see your name anywhere on it.

That's a good idea.

You know, I've never really thought about it

because I've always worried too much about the turds.

Maybe we can get the company logo,

the whole thing, right on the box.

We want to get into the numbers.

We need to know the bookkeeping, the accounting.

How do you keep track of your revenue and your expenses?

Could you explain to us your manufacturing process?

Do you have a clear picture

of how much money you made in the last year?

You know, no.

Mary is definitely an idea girl,

and she doesn't think about every step involved.

What are your gross profit margins,

your overhead structure, sales?

How are they growing?

Deb: She'll think of the easy ones

and then leave the hard ones for someone else to do.

You know, it's just...

I promised Deb that I was going to make this business profitable

by the end of the winter.

We have to put your overhead structure together,

and then we work up your gross profit.

What we can do is work with you to design

a business plan for $50,000.

We could maybe do some bartering...

Mary, Mary...

...with turds or... They're professionals.

Yeah, but we're fun, so maybe we could get a discount

on the fun-ness of it all.

You realize you're paying by the hour here?

Yeah, but I need to get a plan.

Well, you better get your [bleep] together first,

then come back.

**

I'm all for Katie trying wrestling on there.

I think, you know, the girls need to get out there

and try these things, also.

My granddaughter also did the same thing,

and it was quite an amazing thing

to go to those meets and watch a girl beat a boy

and then have the boy walk off crying.

Hey, Katie. What's up?

Oh, nothing much.

I feel kind of angry when Mary and Deb

both say no to wrestling, because I feel like...

Well, I want to be my own person, do different stuff.

How are you?

How are you liking your job?

It's like any other...

You get to work with all those goats.

But they smell. Well, I know.

Goats are smelly.

I know you like wrestling and stuff.

I just want to see eye-to-eye on this whole thing.

I feel like I get treated like a child way too much.

Yeah. I know I was pretty rough on you

about that because, you know,

I'm just... I'm worried about boys.

It's not all about the boys.

It's just about it being different.

It is different.

A lot of girls around here will graduate, or not, you know,

and then go on to have kids,

and they all live right in this area,

and, um...

You know, I'd like to kind of see her do better than that.

When I was growing up, I followed my dreams.

Turds are different. Who does that?

You know, and then here you are.

You're growing up, and you're kind of showing real interest

in the wrestling thing.

Maybe I just need to chill out and lighten up a little bit,

you know, so high five? Well...

That's a fist bump. Fist bump?

That's a fist bump. Yeah.

That's a high five. Yeah, this is a high five.

All right. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I learned that today,

because I know it's... Oh, hi, darling.

[ Music, bleating, cowbell ]

**

Welcome to "Making Crap With Mary."

This is the DIY show where I show you step by step

how to have fun with poop in your kitchen.

Today, we're going to make a religious turd

called the Holy Crap, and the Holy Craps are great

because we got the holiday seasons coming up,

and there's a lot of, you know, religious people

that I think would appreciate a good turd once in a while.

**

I got some pre-prepared turds right here.

They've been dehydrated, and we dip them all up

so they glisten a little bit.

Most people like their turds to glisten.

Now I have to select the proper turd to use

for what I want. That's a good-looking turd.

I'm going to start drilling holes now for the antlers.

The best tip I can give you for drilling into a turd

is don't go too deep.

And when you drill in a turd,

you might want to wear safety glasses

so you don't get [bleep] in your eye.

**

I just put one dab of glue on the hole,

and I shove the antler in.

There's my second antler.

Just like that, it's taking shape.

I've had some halos premade.

This is just... It's a little pipe cleaner,

and I'm just going to put just a dot, just a dot of glue,

and I'm going to pick an eyeball up,

and then I'm going to stick it on my turd.

The eyeballs I use are little googly eyes.

Look at it. It's beautiful.

And these are great for the holidays,

religious events, even funerals.

I've taken a Holy Crap turd to a funeral.

It was my mother's funeral.

**

[ Music, bleating, cowbell ]

**

When we get there, I'll tell them

about the business and stuff and the turds,

and then they're going to be asking you a number questions.

Of course they are.

I didn't go with Mary and Tammi

down to the consultants that first trip.

I probably should've.

So you're going to be most of the talking with the...

Well, then I'll put a muzzle on her mouth.

Yeah. I know, right? It won't take so long.

Who, me?

Hours later, it's like, "Hello. What'd you find out, anything?"

You know, "Can I get some information?"

**

What we're going to be talking to you about

is why you need both a business plan

and a marketing plan, in our opinion.

What we just need to make sure is that you're making money.

Crafters don't usually make money back.

Right. Their time is kind of, like,

pushed under the rug.

We help you with your brand reputation too, so...

We got a reputation, ain't we?

Our marketing team had more than 100 years

of PR and marketing experience,

so if we need to make stool look cool, then we can do that.

If you decide to go forward with us,

we would spend three hours together...

Oh, that's too long. ...in this room.

Well, we'd have snacks and stuff.

At some point, you know, you got to weigh your pros and cons.

We need to make a profit on this business,

or it's just not going to fly.

So the idea is, we want to help you focus on your goals,

create, at the end of the day, conversions and customers

that keep buying it.

It could be new inbound leads

from the website -- like, you have an e-newsletter,

people signing up to be able

to get the Poop E-Newsletter, okay?

[ Laughter ]

You're hired.

He ain't right.

The Tirdy Works team is right at that beginning

of what we call the capital stack,

so we're really looking at what we call

family, fools' and friends' money.

If you're going to achieve your goals together,

you've got to be on the same page, right?

So that's what we help do in this plan.

You got that? Mm-hmm.

I don't know much about that shit.

I don't have the business.

I'm really impressed with everything

that you went through there,

and it seemed to make a lot of sense,

but if you had, like, a thing about cost.

Typically, a plan is $35,000,

and you would pay for half of that upfront,

so I don't know if you fiscal year is...

That's quite a charge of money

when I don't think we've made $10,000 this year.

Holy crap.

I was thinking, "Really? I mean, that's, like..."

That's a several-year salary around here.

Well, we definitely need to talk about this.

Yeah, but I'm really excited about what you said and stuff

because you guys sound smart.

I think these consultants know what they're talking about,

but they're just kind of...

out of reach for the normal Joe.

**

Wow, look at this.

-Wow. -Are you Randy?

I am. Randy, hi.

My name is Mary. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too. How you doing?

This is my daughter, Katie. Nice to meet you.

Welcome to Limitless Wrestling.

As a way to meet Katie in the middle,

I decided to surprise her with a professional wrestling lesson.

If you ever want your teenager not to pursue a hobby,

just get excited about it yourself.

If you want to go get changed up,

we can get started pretty quick.

Okie-doke. Cool. Let's do it.

They're going to show her the ins and outs

of the wrestling business.

Are you going to step in?

When Mary brought me up here, I was really surprised

that she would do that because she was always, like,

dissing on wrestling and everything.

It feels like Mary has listened to me for the first time.

The first things I'm going to show you,

just a simple forward roll.

I'm going to break myself.

My name is "Retro" Anthony Green,

and I am the current

Limitless Wrestling world champion.

Oh, my gosh. You're so scary.

Wrestling is a lot scarier than I thought it was going to be.

You can do this, Katie.

If I catch you, I will...

Yes!

Nice.

After, like, a couple of things,

I started to feel more comfortable

and confident with myself.

You're doing things that take people weeks,

months, sometimes years.

You know, in the first day,

you're getting stuff down very quickly.

If this is something you want to take seriously,

do you think you could go one-on-one with Ava Everett?

Do you want to take it to the next level?

Yes.

I think we ought to come up with a name for you.

How about the Defecator? No.

Eventually, I settled on Katie the Crusher

which they helped me choose that name

because Mary's was just whoop.

In the corner to my right,

we have Kate the Crusher!

[ Cheering ]

Her opponent: Ava Everett!

Boo!

Ring the bell!

Mary: Get her, Katie. Chopped liver.

-There we go. -Yeah, Katie!

Katie! Katie! Katie! Katie! Katie!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I was concerned that Katie just wanted

to crawl all over the guys,

but she wrestled with a woman today and kicked her butt.

Yeah! Woo!

One, two, three!

[ Cheering ]

Your winner, Kate the Crusher!

[ Cheering ]

I've been going, like, 90 miles an hour,

trying to meet with consultants to keep this business going,

and it's been affecting my time that I spend with Katie,

so I'm going to make an effort,

a real effort to spend some time with her

and her brother and sister and start bonding again, you know?

Woo! There you go.

Good job.

Having Mary in my corner

meant a lot to me.

This is a big step for me and Mary.

She actually listened to me for once,

and I really appreciate that, and I feel like I was heard.

Katie! Katie! Katie! Katie!

[ Music, bleating, cowbell ]

**

You know, I started Tirdy Works as a hobby,

like, kind of a joke, almost, deal.

I think it was definitely better when it was a hobby, you know?

Because, I mean, it was fun and not demanding.

A hobby is something you enjoy a lot,

and a business is something you do,

you know, to earn money,

but you can kind of combine the two.

Nothing. Drink beer.

Gardening, I love to garden.

I do woodburning, so that's something new for me.

Honestly, I raise a rare breed of endangered sheep.

[ Bleating ]

What?

Oh, yeah. That's fun, pissing you off.

Just hang out, do our nails, talk about boys.

Yeah, that's pretty fun.

Isn't that right?

**

[ Music, bleating, cowbell ]

**

Feel those jets? Yes.

Whoo-hoo!

That ain't right.

I would say my relationship with Katie

definitely has room for growth.

Katie, look at this.

You know, I think that we need to do

some one-on-one time,

just her and myself.

I think it'd be good for us.

So, Katie the Crusher, you must be sore.

Yeah.

You know, so I feel kind of bad I wasn't as supportive

as I could've been at the beginning.

You know, I'm trying to get better at it, you know,

and I'll continue to support you, and, you know,

I know I can't control you or anything, you know,

but I just want to make sure you're happy and safe

and being well taken care of.

It's really important to me

that Mary is trying to get involved with stuff,

and then she takes me up to go get my nails done.

That means a lot to me because she's not into doing

fluffy stuff, I guess.

That is so not me. Look how stupid...

It looks so pretty. ...that color is.

Did you tell them to do this?

Yeah. Why?

Because it's such a pretty color, and it suits you.

Oh, my God.

It's prom coming up?

Well, for the juniors and seniors.

Well, do you think there's somebody

that might ask you to the prom?

Well, maybe, yeah.

Seriously? Yeah.

This could be a new chapter for me and Mary,

and I'm really happy that this is happening and stuff,

and I hope it keeps going.

We'll probably come back here

and do some more stuff with our nails and,

like, Mary get a little waxing right there and stuff.

Maybe we should go shopping sometime

in the Old Port down in Portland, you know?

Yeah. You could buy me something.

Yes. I take a size medium.

In pink, right? No.

[ Laughs ]

**

I'm not seeing a whole lot of turd tracks out here.

We definitely need turds.

I mean, we're almost out, you know, and then...

We need money, too, to fund our trip so can go look for turds.

I've been thinking about that. You have?

I mean, think about all we learned from those consultants.

They have all kinds of ideas and stuff

and ways to get money for the business.

How do you propose we're going to pay for these consultants?

I don't know. How about... What about 401(k)?

No. Why not?

It's been sitting in there for 20 years.

Well, we have limited funds,

and you want to spend our savings.

You told me to find help.

You told me to do that. I went out, and I found help.

They gave us all kinds of tips. Yeah.

They also gave a price tag

which is more than what we make a year.

I know, but they will make us successful.

Her wanting to spend what little retirement fund we have

for Tirdy Works just kind of...

I guess it gets under my fingernails.

Just to get them to sign onto us, they want $35,000.

Well, I think they like us pretty good.

Not $35,000 worth.

That is a lot of money.

The deal was, you were going to

make Tirdy Works profitable.

Spending our 401(k) is not making it profitable.

That's putting us further in debt.

That's it. Kaput.

Figure it out.

I want to give Deb a little bit more time, you know,

let it sink in. I think she'll come around.

That's not going to happen, Mary!

It's not going to happen. Stop being a bump on a log.

She ain't right. There's a bump on a log.