Original subtitles

♪♪

I want you to get me very freaking turd you can get me.

I mean, if you want exotic turds, I'm the guy.

I got this Career Day coming up at school.

You know, Katie's gonna be there.

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle -- otherwise known as

a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

Gross.

[ Both coughing ]

Close that up.

So, what we have here is, we've got stool samples.

[ Laughing ] "Stool samples."

[ Moose grunts ]

Maybe we could, like, plan something big.

Like, get together.A big show.

Yeah, absolutely.Get a bunch of comics.

Yes.

Deb: So, what are you growing?

Cannabis.

I mean, seriously, what a revelation.

I do have a religious turd. It's called the Holy Crap.

Deb: Can't you see she's, like, a churchgoer?

I'm trying to be gentle.

Un[bleep]real.

A week or so ago, I was painting a sign out here,

and the freaking paint tipped over,

and I got all my turds white.

Maybe I could call them a ghost fart.

[ Eerie music plays ]

'Cause it's white and it's a turd.

♪♪

[ Moose bellows ]

[ Birds screeching ]

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Chickens clucking ]

So, I'm gonna put some crushed turd in

just to kind of hold it.

Yeah. That makes sense.You know?

And then maybe nest the turd with the seed in it in that.

I worked at a seaweed-fertilizer plant 45 years.

Experience in laboratory,

whether it's chemistry, biology, the whole gamut.

And that'll help keep it moist too, you know, when we water it.

One thing I did learn at the seaweed-fertilizer plant

is that [bleep] makes things grow.

So, what are you growing?

You gonna grow some hollyhocks

or sunflower seeds or beans?

I think we should focus on cannabis seeds.

Oh, it'd be great.

It'd be wonderful if Mary had an idea

that actually stuck, you know?

I mean, it'd be nice if she had an idea

that didn't involve poop, you know?

I mean, come on!

Cannabis.

I mean, seriously, what a revelation.

There's cannabis shops everywhere.

Fertilization kit.

There's cannabis shows at the civic centers.

Do you think they'd grow?

You know, last year, we made about $10,000,

and our biggest seller was the poo-poo clocks,

but I want to do something more.

We're gonna have to find something more to make more money.

We're gonna have to come up with more interesting products

that people are gonna want.

We're gonna have to get people excited

about it and sell it.

I mean, oh, my God. We'll go.

We'll hit every pot shop this side of the Mississippi.

Oh! This is gonna be huge.

♪♪

When I was a little girl, my dad inspired me

wicked good with his sense of humor.

He would always be the one that would get up and tell the jokes,

and in front of everybody, and he just loved it.

You know, he was a member of the Elks,

and he used to get up and tell jokes at the Elks club.

I would say that my dad's the funniest man

I think I've ever known.

I once got out of a $50 parking ticket with a $5 turd.

I give the cops [ding] They let me go.

They like the blue balls, those cops do,

so it's like an insurance policy.

You carry one of them turds,

you're gonna get out of a ticket.

Poop jokes the way that Mary does them is perfect.

It's so hilarious.

To the point where your side hurts so bad

that you think you need to go to the doctor.

It really breaks the tension in the middle of something.

And then, to go with the school theme,

we got number-two pencils.

I think I get more out of making people laugh than

I do selling the shit.

Jaime: Welcome to POPonOVERS.

You know, it's -- You pop on over for a popover.

You sure do. Yeah.That's what I heard.

Yeah.

I understand that you are now the new manager...

Yes, for the theater....for the theater?

Yes. The theater is struggling a little bit,

and we would love to boost income

and that type of stuff so we don't close down.

And it's sad to see that because it is such a historical site,

almost, you know. Yeah.

The town cut the theater's budget by $45,000.

The reason it's so important right now to save this theater

is because it is so historic.

It's got a lot of personality.

It just brings people together.

People talk. You meet your friends.

You socialize, and I think we need to get back to that.

We're all about community up here in Maine,

and I think it's really important

that that Pittsfield theater is saved.

So, I'm doing different types of shows.

Like, I have "Rocky Horror Picture Show" coming.

I have a burlesque show coming.

I would love to have a comedy show.

Maybe we could, like, plan something big.

Like, get together.A big show.

Yeah, absolutely.Get a bunch of comics.

Yes.

Maybe a little variety thing going on.

Maybe who's got the cutest dog

or something and something.Right.

I could pick up the pooper scooper.

We could do the pooper scooper. You know, just different things.

Yes.

Jaime: Bringing her show to the theater

is the type of stuff that I want here.

It think it will be successful and fun and lively,

bringing money and revenue and excitement back into town.

Doing that is going to be the key

to the success of this place.

I think the next step should be to talk to the town manager

and see how we can all collaborate

and make this happen.

I can't wait. You know what we could do?

Every night at our house around 4:00,

we have a cock-a-tail hour.

You should come down, and we should --

We can get creative.

I think it's a great time to come up with great ideas.

♪♪

[ Moose bellows ]

♪♪

Oh, yeah. Did I tell you? I got a nice buck.

Deer meat for supper tonight!

I've been wanting a piece of meat for a long time,

a piece of old deer meat, you know, 'cause you have that

with onions, you know, and garlic,

so I'm looking forward to that.

I've never cooked this part of the deer before,

but here you go.

That's his penis, his scrotum,

and his [buzzer] all in one.

Look at it. They're hairy.

Are you serious?

That probably [bleep] stinks.

It's a [bleep]Yeah, it's a [bleep]

I know you ain't had one in a while,

so you don't have to get excited.

Gross!

Oh! Aah!

[ Laughs ]Did you see that?

There's Chewbacca coming out of the end of it.

I don't know if deer do any manscaping or not,

but it was pretty neat and trim down in that area.

Eww. What's that?

Here. Gross.

Gross! You're getting [bleep] in here.

Look. You got hair on you.

That's gross. It's nasty!

I didn't know that deer had pubic hair

because I've never really given it any thought,

but then he slapped down that penis in front of me,

and it was all hairy.

You guys are gross!Look at it!

Look! Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God![ Laughs ]

This is phenomenal!

[ Both laugh ]

Something wrong with you.

Oh, my God.

What are you gonna do with it?

Mary!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Moose bellows ]

♪♪

[ Crowing ]

My least-favorite Tirdy Works, like,

thingymabobber is the skid-mark thingy.

It's so stupid!

Who would want to buy that?

It's a piece of wood with a poop smudge.

♪♪

Mary: I mean, it looks like a redwood forest in here.

This is where your medicine's coming from.

This is awesome.

This is where our show begins.

Mary: Pot's legal in Maine, and I've been a friend

of The Green Goddess for years.

The Green Goddess is this gal I met down in Blue Hill.

She has a big grow down there,

and she grows some wicked good pot.

Cannabis is actually quite important in my life.

I have petit mal seizures.

I have epilepsy.

I was taking five pills a day, and I was still having seizures,

so Green Goddess fixed me up with some CBD oils,

and I don't have any more seizures.

These ones are the ones that you came to see.

Oh, my God.

And these are 2 weeks old, too?

These are also 2 weeks old.

Look at the difference, Katie.

And -- Yeah.

Side by side.

Wow. Nice?

There's no comparison now.

The moose turd was an excellent idea, Mary.

We got to get these in the dispensaries.

You're definitely onto something, Mary.

Un[bleep]real.

♪♪

♪♪

Mary: My name's Mary.

Nice. Nice to meet you.

This is Katie. She's my professional test grower.Hi.

She's got a nice grow and stuff,

but the reason I'm here today

is that we have a new product on the market,

and this is actually the first place I've been to,

but I was wicked excited -- the turd fertilization kit.

These weed-seed starter kits,

I really haven't gotten them out into the field yet,

and now The Green Goddess has got me hooked up

with this Highbrow company,

and it's, like, a higher-end dispensary.

These are turd fertilization kits,

and they're with moose turds.

I mean, look at them. They're beautiful.

They're all local turds that we get right out of the woods,

and it comes with little seeds, too.

Little seed packets.Oh. Okay.

We've been growing some really great strains in there.

Do you know what percentage of growth difference there was?

They were twice as big.

Now, something else I brought in.

Look. These are [ding] clips.

You put a joint on that, and you pass that [ding] around,

and because, see, now, no two turds are alike,

so you've got all kinds of different variations.

Oh...my goodness.See?

And the thing is, they glisten.

She's making something out of nothing,

which is making a name for herself, and people love it.

It's definitely a Maine thing.

I think I have about 25 of the turd fertilization kits,

and I got a [buzzer] load of the [bleep] clips.

Probably about 30 or 40 of them, too.

Because you're super-funny and you are local,

we'll definitely cut a deal with you,

and we'll try to sell your product in our store

and see how it goes.Excellent. All right.

So, why don't we go back and make a deal, okay?

All right. Excellent.

I've been struggling for a bit to come up

with something big besides the clocks

that's gonna help make Tirdy Works,

and I'm thinking these turd fertilization kits

are gonna be it.

Courtney.

Tammi: He can't hear you.

-[ Laughs ] -Listen to me.

You don't listen to me.

Well, what's going on?

Same old, same old.

Just wondering about your stuff,

if you need any help with anything.

You have a good imagination.

You know the poo-poo platters where you put in the turds

coming out of the moose's ass?

He thought of that.

And them little things are hard to hang onto

and see after about a six-pack.

-After about a six-pack. -[ Laughs ]

Mary: So, I met with the theater manager

the other day in Pittsfield.Mm-hmm.

The theater's gonna shut down,

and I think it's worth trying to save,

so I'm thinking that maybe we ought to get

a bunch of people together and put on a show up there,

whether it's...

Maybe even, like, a variety show.

Don't you think you got enough on your plate?

Mary's heart's definitely why we love her,

but it's also the reason why,

you know, we got to keep her focused.

Well, it's not gonna be -- Deb can help.

I mean, I'm sure there's...I don't have any time to help.

I'm working on stuff --Well, the...

I mean, it's just a matter of contacting...

-We should send out flyers. -Flyers, yes.

What you said.

How are you going to handle a whole show?

I just don't know where we're gonna find the time.

Mary definitely has a problem with overcommitting.

You know, we're supposed to be

making some money with this business,

and she's trying to save a theater.

Come on back to Earth, and let's try to make some money first.

I get up at 2:00 in the morning.

It's just a matter of contacting some people.

Exactly. You get up at 2:00 in the morning.

I get up at 7:00 and have no time to do anything.

But I'll have it all figured out by the time you get out of bed.

Come on, guys.

This is a community thing.

I think it's really important to pull us all together,

get a big gig going there, fill every seat in that theater.

You know, right now, I want to use some comedy

and some self-expression and maybe some music and stuff.

I want to save that Pittsfield theater.

Rebecca: Courtney says, "You're right.

We have to support the community.

It's really important for us to be a team and help."

I totally think so.

I think I need a drink.

[ Laughs ] You ain't right.

♪♪

[ Moose bellows ]

♪♪

Highest I've ever gotten?

[ Breathes deeply ]

Probably New Year's.

Can't really remember anything past 9:00.

Have you even tried this yet?

This is marvelous.

Yeah, Mary had me try something. I don't know.

It's some concoction from Somerville.

Tastes good, smooth.

I don't know what the name of it is.

After I woke up and realized where I'd been,

I think I was okay, but I'm not gonna do that again.

I think that was it.

It's very sticky. It was hard to roll.

Juicy's good.It was hard to roll.

Highest I've ever gotten?

I don't remember because it's been a long time

since I've smoked pot.

Probably close to 15 years...

even though people don't believe it

when they see I have dreadlocks.

I think it's pretty smooth.

What do you think?

Another hit or two, and I'll be done.

I don't think weed's the answer to help make

Tirdy Works make more money.

I think it needs to everybody focused on the moose turds,

not weed.

I don't smoke it, so I don't care what they do with it.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Moose bellows ]

♪♪

I read this article one time about this guy

who lived in, like,

the Middle East somewhere, and he was smoking...

I don't know what kind of turd it was, but he was.

He was putting it in a pipe and smoking it.

[ Bird screeching ]

♪♪

Hey, Richelle! How are you?Richelle: Hi! Welcome back, Mary!

Hey. It's good seeing you!

Great to see you again.Long time, no see.

Long time, no see.Yeah.

This is Deb, my other half. This is Richelle.

Hi. Great to meet you.

So, you guys have been busy since we saw you last?

Oh, unbelievable.Awesome.

Yep, but I brought you some more seed starter kits.

Oh, great. We'll be happy to have those.Okay.

Since we've had Mary's turds, the response has been great.

People love her [bleep] clips.

People find them funny.

They use them as a novelty gift.

It's been really fun.

We had over 9,000 turds,

and now we have this much in the barn,

so we've been going out every day.

How's everything going with dispensaries?

Things are going pretty...

You know, they're going pretty good.

We stopped at, you know,

two or three different places, and...

Deb: Mm-hmm....and everyone's taken them in.

You know, if not the seed starter kits,

then the [ding] clips at least.

That's fantastic. Yep.

Awesome. I -- Yeah.

Have you possibly thought of reaching out

to any of the growers at all to see

if they might be interested in working with you on this?

Yeah, well, I've been thinking about that,

and I want to do that.But what about people locally?

Well, if the idea actually took off, it'd be marvelous.

I mean, it'd bring us a wicked good income,

especially if we had a corner on the market, you know?

I mean, that'd be, like, superb.

Have you ladies ever heard of Cliff Miller?

I've never heard of him.

He's very respected in the community.

He definitely has a great facility.

It's beautiful. It's very clean.

Richelle: We're actually very careful when we make introductions.

I think we want to see the people that are small,

local people take those chances and try to make it work

and make it big and be those successful people,

as opposed to large corporations.

That's just what we support here in the state.

I know that probably grows and stuff

are quite sanitary places,

so I'll be sure to shower that morning

and put perfume on so I smell good.

I would waylay the perfume.

Yeah?Yeah, you don't need that.

You might offend the plants.

♪♪

This room's beautiful.

Love this room because of all the history here

and all the people who have served the town.

I met with the theater manager, and she told me

I had to meet with the town manager,

so we're gonna tell her that we'd like to have a big show

to try to save the theater,

and hopefully she'll grant us a permit.

We're very, very interested

in saving our Pittsfield Community Theatre,

so if you have an idea, we'd love to hear it.

Well, what I was thinking is, we should maybe start off

with one big show. Big one.

Whether it's contests...

You know, I mean, I've got the turd presentation I can do.

I could get up, and I could work the turds.

My success rate for getting people on board with turds,

I'd say, would be...

97% at least,

and I'm proud of that.

How were you thinking that people might like that?

Turds are something that everybody does.

Turds are universal,

and everyone's had an experience with a turd.

I've been doing this for 15 years now,

and we have -- It's basically moose turds,

but we are expanding into some exotic turds now.

We're doing alpaca turds and goat turds,

so there'd be all kinds of people,

I think, be interested in seeing that stuff.

I think I can usually determine

if someone's got a turd blockage

usually by their mannerisms, their expressions.

I can tell when I have a challenge on my hands.

I have products like dingleberries and fecal people

and stool samples, and...Oh, my goodness.

And people think it's kind of funny. Fun shit, you know?

Well, I don't even say that word.

You must get mad and think it sometimes.

Really?

What? Can't you see she's, like, a churchgoer?

You can't... I know.

I'm trying to be gentle.

By the way, I do have a religious turd.

It's called the Holy Crap.

I'm Catholic, and I took my priest

the Holy Crap turd once.

He loved it.

I'm glad he was happy. He was.

He was tickled to death with his turd.

All right. That's good. Yeah.

[ Laughs ] Poor guy.I go to confession once in a while, too.

You probably have to.

All right.

This is a professional meeting.

I know.Calm down just a little bit.

Everybody does it.Some people just don't appreciate

the turds like you do.

That's probably true.

If Mary's gonna be up here dealing with town government,

she probably needs an adult with her.

This is gonna be a great variety show, though.

I mean, there's gonna be all kinds of really cool acts.

We can bring in kids, animals, adults.

I think that would be wonderful, don't you?

It would be wonderful.

I mean, it's gonna be big revenue for your town,

for the theater, for Tirdy Works' business.Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And I think if we all work together,

we're gonna be able to pull off a huge show.

Well, we definitely would want to bring revenue to the theater,

so we'd be interested in getting some details in writing.

Kathryn: A little bit shocking

in what her main presentation will be,

but if we have variety, then we have something for everyone,

and the only way that the theater will survive

is if we do have variety,

and Mary seems very committed to bringing that to Pittsfield.

Would you come to the show and see my turd presentation?

I'll come to the show.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Moose bellows ]

♪♪

Legalizing pot, I think, was a good call.

It was a good idea.

I don't think there's any reason not to have it.

I don't know what's going on here.

Someone's getting a little carried away.

It's just like drinking.

If they enjoy that, you know, let them go to it.

-I got these. -Oh.

This keeps the black flies away.

I didn't even see you come in.Was that delicious?

Not a problem.

There's people that use it for medical use,

and there's people that are just stupid about it.

I almost got that turd in your drink.

It's not like coke. Cocaine.

You know, that's horrible.

That's bad stuff.

You want a hit?No, I don't want that.

I've always believed that man made booze,

God made grass.

Who do you trust?

Smoking, and I'm working, and I'm a-drinking.

Should be legalized.

It keeps me happy and sane. [ Laughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Moose bellows ]

♪♪

My name is Cliff Miller,

and I operate the largest cannabis cultivation facility

in the state of Maine.

Wow!

Word travels fast in this industry,

and I started hearing about Mary's turds,

and I knew we had to get her in here.

Hey, Cliff. How are you?

Good to see you. You, as well.

You know, coming here, I knew I was gonna be

coming into a grow, but I didn't expect this.

It's cold out there, but it's...

It is....85 and sunny in here.

But, anyway, I got the weed-seed starter kits here.

I got a whole box of turds.

Oh. Beautiful.

They're okay, huh?

This is some nice [bleep]

Yeah, and they're all organic.

They have not been dipped.

I just drill a little, teeny hole in the top,

and then I cram the seed inside the turd.

Sure.

And it grows wicked, wicked good.

Nobody's doing this right now.

This is almost like set it and forget it.

Put your seed in, plant it, water it, and you're good to go.

My issue is, I'm trying to get these out of Maine.

I want to expand. Sure.

You know? And I know there's tons...

There must be tons of dispensaries

all over the U.S. in certain states, you know?

I think the predrilled hole, nice little package,

and just keep the seeds out of it completely,

and you'll stay perfectly compliant

'cause then you can start shipping across state lines

because there's no laws against shipping [ding]

[ Laughs ]

Mary: To be getting advice from the biggest weed grower

in the whole state of Maine is incredible.

I mean, the amount of information

I can absorb from him

and use it, you know, to grow my business,

that's huge.

I mean, what an opportunity.

I would love to share this with a larger community,

especially here in Maine.

I know a couple of the top cultivators in the state.

I even think, nationally, people will really gravitate to this

in terms of cost, the cleanliness.

It's organic, and it's readily available.

Do you have more?Oh, I have a [buzzer] ton more.

We'll get 300 to 400 pounds

every time we go out in the woods.

You're full of [bleep]I'm not [bleep] you.

You know, Maine's about to go recreational with weed,

so can you imagine that every grower in Maine

is cramming seeds into turds?

♪♪

Mary: Ugh. Deb: Kind of loud in here this evening.

It is loud, but it's a different...

No kids, no dogs, no cats.

So, you've got us on the hook for this show up there

in Pittsfield. What's your plan?

What about a fashion show? A fashion show with pets.

People could dress them up and bring their pets in.

Tammi ought to get her rat up there.

Oh, my God. Wouldn't that be funny.

A little suit.

With a little suit or something a little top hat.

She could wear her red bathrobe.

But maybe we could do...

You know, I can do my stand-up.

Are you gonna do the same old spiel?

You know, I'm gonna kind of do

that a little bit, you know, for the baseline.

I've got, like, three or four new...

Turds? Turds.

You need to mix it up.It's what I do.

Get away from the turds a little bit.

You need to appeal to a broader audience.

If Mary appeals to a broader audience with comedy,

she'll sell more turds.

People love them, though.

I know they love them, but they also love you,

and you need to get away from the turds.

You need to branch out.

I've heard Mary's spiel 10,000 times,

and she can still make me laugh sometimes,

but I do find it kind of lame sometimes, also.

Turds -- That's all I've done.

So, you could talk about my cooking.

Cooking. Yeah.

I've been doing this for 15 years, and it's been working.

People seem to like the turds.

That's what went viral.

You've got Facebook. Use it.

Use it to your benefit.

Ask for some input, some help.

People follow me.

I got 80,000 followers.I understand that.

They keep following the turds.

But I've been a follower since the beginning,

and I'm telling you, it's getting a little old.

Seriously? Yeah.

What do I say?

"Deb's saying I have to get away from the turds.

Does anybody have any suggestions

for some jokes maybe?"

I think that sometimes I have a fear of not being good enough,

you know, and I feel real confident with the turds,

but now, you know, Deb wants me to broaden it out,

and I'm real scared about that.

I'm afraid I'm not gonna be good enough.

I'm afraid people aren't gonna laugh.

There's a lot more to you than just the turds.

I know this.