All language subtitles for Tirdy Works s01e03_English

♪♪

Mary: The concept for
Tirdy Works is simple --

I find turds, I make crap,
and people buy it.

I would like to see some of your
turds, if you don't mind.

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle --
otherwise known as

a high-fiber
Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

After that video of me went
viral, orders came rushing in.

Everybody's starting
to talk about it.

That was another alpaca clock.
I just sold all of them.

Not too shabby for a
crackerjack team and a dream.

[ Moose grunts ]

The first exotic turd line
we put out, and it had gone.

Maybe we should expand.

Mary: The plan is
to make more products,

and then we'll test them out
online.

If we get a good response,
we're going to go with it.

Katie: It is definitely not
every girl's dream

to be known as
the moose turd lady's daughter.

You know what?
That is it.

You guys don't appreciate
good ideas.

I think you've smoked
your lunch.

♪♪

Here I am at age 59, and I think
it's pretty accurate to say

that turds are kind of like
an extension of myself,

you know, because I can't stop
talking about it.

I can't stop thinking about it.

You know, after doing something
like this for 15 years,

it's kind of --
it's just right off the cuff,

and it just drives me nuts
because I can't stop.

[ Dog barks ]

[ Bird screeches ]

♪♪

[ Chicken clucks ]

Stupid flies.
God, they piss me off.

[ Fly buzzing ]

Oh.
Oh [bleep]

She's got no couth when it comes
to hitting --

[Bleep] went flying
everywhere.

You know, I think
we'll be all right.

Well, I'll start
working on those.

Hey, Mom.
Hey, kid.

How was your day?
Good.

Yeah?
Did you learn a lot?
Yeah.

We had to see
how water --

like, the fastest way
to make water boil.

What's the fastest way
to make water boil?

Well, you had to use
one of those, like,

flamy tank things.

Yeah?
Yeah.

And salt and a lid.

Guess what?
What?

Mom heard from
the headmaster today.

Now, what have you
been up to?
Nothing.

Why would we have heard
from the headmaster?

I don't know! I haven't --
I haven't done anything wrong.

You have a thing coming up
at your school.

I think it's called
Career Day.

And the headmaster has called me
and asked me to speak.

He wants me to come in
and talk about turds

and how to start
a new business, and --

It's a no.
Yeah.

My relationship with Katie's
a little bit delicate,

you know,
and I know she's very sensitive.

She's at that age, and I'm
going to be talking about crap.

Her mom sells crap.

So what I'm going to do is,

I'm going to come in
to your classroom,

and I'm going to bring
all the turds in with me.Nope.

I'm going to review them
with all the students.Nope.

Mary embarrasses me
all the time.

Like, what if this hot guy
just comes up to me

and he's like, "Oh, you're
the poop lady's daughter."

Please don't. This is
my first year of high school.

I know, but I think
this is a great way for you

to get involved
in the business.You know,
I will be picked on.

This is our business,
and this is what -- Your business, not mine.

I think that Katie hasn't found
her groove in Tirdy Works

because her goal is to get
as far away from us as possible,

you know, so working with us,
I think,

right now
is not happening for her.

Mary:
It's going to be fun.

Yeah, but there's going to be
a lot of seniors in there.

♪♪

I don't see some turds,
Mary.

Someone said they saw a buck
up here the other day
and a couple does.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not moose turds,
but I'll take it.

Yeah.
We can always use
deer turds, too.

Crap's crap.That's right.

I mean, we sold a ton of crap
at New Hampshire.

I know -- huge!That show was incredible.

And, I mean, the --
the alpaca turds,

I mean, I can't believe
how well they sold.

People were just --
The looks on their faces like,

"Oh, my God! Alpacas?
Seriously?"

And they bought them.

I think that maybe we should,
you know,

kind of expand,
do some more exotic stuff.

The plan is
to make more products,

and then we'll test them out
online,

see what the response is.

If we get a good response,
we're going to go with it.

We're going to
crank them turds out.

I got a place where I can get
a bunch of turds --

exotic turds,
not just moose turds.

Yeah?
What kind of critters?

There's raccoons, porcupines,
possibly mountain lion.

They're meat-eaters.

Deb: It'd be wonderful
if Mary had an idea

that actually stuck, you know?

I mean, it'd be nice

if she had an idea
that didn't involve poop.

I wish we could get some wombat
turds because they're square.

We got to go to Australia
for that one.

Oh, I know.
That'd be a long day.

You know what? Why don't you
give me every freaking turd
you can get me?

Get everything.

I mean, if you want
exotic turds, I'm the guy.

You ain't right.

You sure?

I know
you ain't right.

You're the turd getter.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

Courtney went up north with us
one weekend.

And I probably shouldn't
say this

'cause his wife doesn't know.

He came up to the cabin,

and we got him drunk as [bleep]

And so, he had to
spend the night.

♪♪

And Courtney was --
You know, he's deaf,

and I was afraid that he wasn't
gonna be able to hear the alarm.

That isn't even
one of them.

Cheating!

And we have doors
in between our room,

so I opened the door to
make sure he was awake.

♪♪

And he was standing there
in his undies.

And I was like [gasps]
like that.

And he's like, "What,"
like that, like...

But I didn't see his parts.

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

Shortly after Mary moved in,
she --

we got a phone call on there
that there was a fire
at her house.

It was in the cellar,
so we got over there

and went in to investigate,
and as we went downstairs,

we noticed there was
open barrels of gunpowder

[laughing] down there
where the fire had started.

Luckily, we knocked it out
with a fire extinguisher

on there,
so we saved the home.

♪♪

Nope. Nope.
That's not it.

Do they sell, like,
food food in there?

In here?
Yeah.

Yeah.What kind of food
do they have?

Good food.

Like hot
and ready-to-eat food?

Dude,
this is my uncle's shop.

Us Peaslees was one of the first
founding families

in the town of Somerville.

I mean, you can't throw a stick

without hitting a Peaslee
around here.

I'm going to hop out,
and if we need to drive away

as fast as we can,
you better be in
this driver seat

because I'm coming
through the back window.

I think that's him
right there.Dude, yeah. That is him.

Getting turds,

especially exotic turds
on top of it,

that's -- that's hard to do.

I mean, there's always risks

meeting strange people
in parking lots,

but whatever it takes
to get them turds.

You got to do
what you got to do.

You must be Ken.
I am.

Nice to meet you, Dale.Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
How you doing?You got the turds, do you?

We have some nice
exotic examples right in here.

Now, what are we talking about
for exotic examples?

Well, let's take a look here
and see.

They're fresh as you're going to
be able to find anywhere.

[ Sniffs ] Whew! Wow!
Huh?

That's what
I'm talking about.
Boy!

You came to
the right place.

I can see that.

So...
Man.

What do you think?

What are we looking at
for these?

Well, I don't know.
What do you think they're worth?

Well, I tell you,

I'll fill this truck up
with gas

for both boxes of turds.

A handshake's a handshake,
right?
Damn right.

That's all
it's going to take.
Thank you.

You got a deal.Thank you very much, man.

Big D always comes through.

You call yourself Big D?

Yes, Colby.
I call myself Big D.

Don't...I like the name,

just not, like,
the D part in it, but...

♪♪

You --
You got any ideas?

[ Chicken clucking ]

On the clock.[ Laughter ]

A watch,
put it on the watch.

So I got this career day
coming up at the school.

So have you
got that figured out?

No, and I was
kind of thinking

maybe I could run it by
you guys, we could maybe...

So, you know, Katie
is going to be there.

Yeah. I know.
I mean...

It is definitely not
every girl's dream

to be known as
the moose turd lady's daughter.

I have to use a little bit
of etiquette, okay?

[ Laughs ]Are you listening to me?

Are you listening?
He's not listening to me.

He's not listening
to you.

Tell me if you think
it's not right for the kids.

Yeah. No.

All right.
So this...

No.

Why?
What's wrong with them?

Because they're teenagers.
No, no, no, no, no.

That's not cool.

Those are inedible
underbritches.
No.

Oh, for God sakes,
you guys are strict.

What about
a [buzzer] kebab?

Just call it
a shish kebab.

Only with a T.

You can tell them that.
Only with a T.

Can I say that?
Sure.

You know,
as far as censorship goes,

I understand it,
but I don't care for it too much

because it kind of --
it inhibits me a little bit.

I want to just let it
all hang out.

I usually call it
a [bleep] kicker,

but I can call that
a crap kicker.

Are you just going to wing it?
What is this teaching them?

That you can make cash
out of crap.

I mean, literally,
we make cash out of crap.Cash out of crap.

[ Scoffs ]

If I do go in there
and make an ass of myself,

I mean, that could be
kind of detrimental

to Katie
and my's relationship,

so I'm going to do my best
to behave myself, you know,

because I do like
to joke around.

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

Got you some turds,
some exotic turds.

There's bobcat turds.

Oh, my God.
Are you freaking kidding me?

Oh, my God!

Dale's rolling up his sleeves
and digging in,

and the more I throw at him,
the more he's taking it in,

and he's -- he's --
he's doing it.

Look at them,
how beautiful those are!

How do you know
they're bobcat turds?

Oh, because it says
"bobcat."
Yes.

He's been attacking them turds
with a vengeance.

Look, there's cougar turds.Cougar turds?

I think these ones
are rabbit.
Oh, my God!

They're beautiful!

How'd you get this?
Oh, Dale!

I got my ways, Mary.
Look.

What's this?This is some bear crap.

Ohh!

Seriously, I mean,
those are beautiful.

Think of the things you could do
with a frigging turd like that.I know.

It's heavy.
It's got some weight to it.Yeah.
It weighs like 5 pounds.

Wow!
All right.

We got some porcupine turds,
too.

Oh, my God. Seri--
Stop sniffing my turds!

[ Laughs ] Those are
porcupine turds?
Yeah.

Those are the hairiest turds
I've ever seen.

I bet you could knit at least
a pair of socks out of them.

[ Laughs ]
Porcupine-turd socks.

I'm so excited!

Ohh! Ugh!

Did you sniff?

[ Chuckling ] Oh, my God.
That ain't right.

I can smell it
way up here!I'm going to put a mask on

when I got to deal with
that coyote turd.

I'd put more than
just a mask on.

I'd layer myself up with
more than just a mask.

Ohh! [Bleep]
That's awful.

How's Tammi going
to touch these?

I don't think Tammi will be able
to touch them.
Ugh!

I'm going to need a morphine
drip and a sponge bath

time this is done.
Deb!

Where's Deb at?

[ Dog barks ]

Mary: Live from Somerville,
this is "Talkin' Tirds,"

the show that cuts the crap.

I'm gonna ask the questions
you're too afraid to ask.

Michael: Oh.

[ Laughs ]

I'm Mary Winchenbach,
and tonight's guest

is Michael McQuarrie.

He is the headmaster
of Erskine Academy,

where all the smart kids,
including my daughter Katie

and Dale, go to school.

So I got a couple questions
for you, Mike.
Sure.

You know, in your school
that you work at,

I'm assuming you're dealing with
a ton of crap?

Is that true?

I don't know
if it's any more

than any other profession
or any other workplace.

But it's nothing that we
can't handle or manage.

Headmaster
is a big title.
Yeah.

Would you agree that education
is overrated?

I would not agree
with that.

No?
No! No.

I mean, knowledge
is a commodity.

I wouldn't agree with the
premise of your question.

'Cause I never
went to college.
Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

[ Papers rustle ]

That's all the time
we have

on this edition
of "Talkin' Tirds."

I'm Mary Winchenbach reminding
all of you out there in America

to stand up,
be nice to one another,

and, most importantly,
to give a crap.

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

I mean, wouldn't it be unique
to have elephant poop?

♪♪

Oh, my God.
I'm so excited.

I got something
for you.

I bet you did.
Oh, my God,
Tammi, really.

Pay attention.

Well, you know
the exotic turds

I've been talking about,
trying to get exotic turds?Yep.

Well,
I got a whole bunch!

These are bear turds.

That's disgusting.

Fox turds, look.

Those would make
cute little earrings.

Do you want to
sniff that one?No, I don't want to sniff
no [buzzer]

Nobody's doing this!
We'd be the first to --

That's because
you're out of your mind!

I got gloves for you!

I think Deb's whole ultimatum
thing is throwing Mary off

because she's going
in all different directions

trying to make this business
a success

instead of
focusing on family.

Gross!
[ Coughs ]

[ Gags ] Close that up.
That's nasty.

Well, how are we going
to expand the business

if you don't want to
do some exotic turds?

I'll stick to these
and the goat and alpaca.

The rest of it
you can do.

What's going on?
What smells like [bleep]?

Look!
All the [bleep]
Mary brought in the house.

Look at them great big
bear turds we got.

That's where
I eat my omelets.

You know what?
That is it.

You guys don't appreciate
good ideas.

I think you've smoked
your lunch.

What is wrong with you?What the hell?

Get that crap
the hell out of here.

♪♪

Okay, everybody,
so, for career day today,

we are fortunate to have a
couple of speakers that are in.

This is Mr. Barton, Dave Barton.

He's going to share with you

the things that he does
in the community, all right?

Great.
Thank you, Dave.

Thank you, Mr. McQuarrie.Sure.

Good morning, students.

Yeah, today's topic is going
to be wood turning,

and you can take --Ah, great.
You guys made it.

Hey. How you doing?Hi, Deb. Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.Hi.
Courtney, how are you?

Courtney. Sorry about that.Good to see you.

Great. You got your stuff.
Please, come on in.

Yeah. Thank you.Come on in.

We'll come right in
through here.

How's that?

Great. Good.
Thanks.

I think we're probably good
right there.

Where's Mary?

You haven't seen her?

I have not seen Mary.

Oh, boy.
I haven't talked to her, either.

Have you seen Mary?

You're going to be able
to do the presentation?

I -- Maybe.
Maybe I can squeak it out.Okay. Okay.

All right. All right.
Well, we'll see.

I appreciate you being here.She's our social butterfly.

I hear you. Yeah,
I was expecting to see Mary,

but I didn't
hear anything.She'll be here.
She'll be here.

Oh, she'll be -- Okay.She's supposed to be here.
She'll be here.

A lot of these bowls
are functional.

You can put these
on your kitchen table.

You can put things in them --

nuts, salad,
things of that nature.

That's all I have.I don't want to do this.

Oh, well...

[ Chuckles ] I'm not
a public speaker.

Have you guys actually
heard of our product?

No?

Our product's made
with moose poop.

But, um, you know...

Uh, I don't know.
I think you'll find it fun.

Ellese: Before the whole
career day thing,

she was telling me
how embarrassed she was

that her mom
was coming to the school

and all the hot guys weren't
going to like her anymore

because her mom
played with poop.

Right this way.
Right through.
Yep.

Hey.
Excuse me, everyone.

Deb: Oh, thank God.Let me interrupt you.

We also have a speaker here,
Mary,

and she's here to participate
in the presentation

here this morning.Hey, guys.

Hey, great.
All right, Mary. Enjoy.Thank you.

Mary: If I can help make Katie
more popular with these turds,

that's going to be epic.

I'll talk about my turds as
I'm taking them out of the totes

and stuff like that.

I do have a few turds to kind
of review with you and stuff.

All right. But, anyway,
what this is, this is a pencil.

It's a No. 2 pencil, and it's
got a turd on the eraser.

And then, this is a turd on
the end of a piece of wood.

We call that the crappy end
of the stick.

Once in a while, you'll
have to go to the doctor's,

and they'll ask you
to bring a turd in, you know,

to analyze it,
which is embarrassing,

so what we have here is,
we've got stool samples.

"Stool samples."See them?

These are dingleberries
with hairy balls.

And you hate
to talk about this,

but my kids kind of inspired me
on this one.

These are skid marks.

And you guys...

Ooh, you have a necklace.
Look.

We've got necklaces with turds,
see,

so you could have
your turd dangling,
and some of them are adjustable.

You could have it
like a choker collar,

so those are pretty fashionable.

However, you don't want to wear
it swimming or in the shower

'cause your turds
are going to get juicy.

That's what that is.
But now, these make great gifts

because everyone has got
someone in their life

they could give some crap to.
I don't care who you are.

I mean, whether it's
your neighbor, your teacher,

your bosses, you know,
your parents, whatever.

Does anybody have any questions?

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

Tammi is overboard
with neatness.

Monday I change beds
and do laundry and wash floors.

She's a neat freak.

Tuesday I clean bathrooms

and wax showers and vacuum.

I vacuum every day.

Tammi will follow
right behind you

with the vacuum.

Thursday I vacuum.

Pick lint off you and...

Same with Friday.My, look,

the mess you made there.

What?It's all [buzzer] water.

So?See, now that rug --

What have you
done to that?

It was in the cupboard.

Sunday, that's usually
my day of rest. I drink beer.

Till she passes out, and then

I come down and make a mess.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, if I'd have known I needed
the [bleep] rug out, I'd have
got it out and flattened it.

Hey,
while you're down there...

[Bleep] you.
[Bleep]

I don't give
a [bleep] who likes it.
It's a free world, ain't it?

I'm just gonna take
the whole package as it is now.

For better or worse or whatever.
[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

Mary:
Does anybody have any questions?

♪♪

Yes.

How long do you spend
looking for poop, moose poop?

Boy, we will go out,
and we'll spend --

When we get to going, we'll be
3 to 4 hours out in the woods.

What's your favorite
type of poop?

Moose turds,
it really is.

I mean, like I said,
we're branching out

into goat turds
and alpaca turds,

and we even have cow turds,
but I think moose is the best.

Any other questions? You?
You, sir?

Where do you get
your inspiration from?

My inspiration is --
I think --

What inspires me to do this
is that

people get so much enjoyment
out of it,

and I've had numerous, numerous,
numerous people

tell me I've made their day,
I make people smile.

People just crack up because
everyone can relate to it.

I guess that's inspiring,
right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

What you said, yes.

Deb: The fact that Mary
could concentrate

and clean up her act for the
kids, you know, that says a lot.

It's really hard to take
your typical routine

that puts [ding] bomb
in there quite a few times

and clean it up
and make it kid-friendly.

I want you to know
it's really important

that you guys
all believe in your shit.

I mean "crap."

[ Laughter ]

Nice.

Ellese: I asked Katie
how it went.

She said it didn't go as bad
as she thought it would,

but she still wanted to go
cry herself to sleep upstairs.

It was so bad.

Well,
that was different.

Nice round of applause,
everyone, please.

Mary: Thank you.

I'm proud of myself
for that presentation.

I think if I got anything across
to the kids,

I think it's the importance of

making a living
doing what you love.

♪♪

If I do it at 3:00,
6:00, and 9:00, you know,

and put the numbers
in between...

Tammi: They don't even look good
like the moose clocks.

We could do bunny dungs, too,
because I got bunny turds
right there.

Mary, they don't
look attractive.

Why not do one clock with,
like, the Noah's Ark of turds?

I enjoy working
with Tirdy Works.

It's meant a lot to me.Yeah, I know.

I mean, I enjoy you doing it.
We talk and have fun.

But I'm afraid if you
go down this path,

you're going to blow it
for everyone.

As your friend,
listen to me.

You need to focus on what
you started, not bull[buzzer]

How many goat and alpaca clocks
have you sold?

We did
that New Hampshire show.

The alpaca clocks
did great down there.

But since then?No, but I haven't really
gotten them on --

They've just gotten on the
website I think this past week,

so...
Why did you
start Tirdy Works?

Well, because I like
to make people laugh,

and I enjoy collecting turds,
and I --

Did you start it to be able
to support your family?

Yeah.

Then you need to focus
on what's important.

As your friend
and as a mom,

who needs you most right now
is your family.

Tammi: I'd say I done all right
raising my daughters

because they're not
[buzzer]-offs.

They all work.
They're all responsible.

They take care of their kids.

But every kid is different.

As a mom who's lost a child,

I think it's important to
have a good relationship

with your child
for as long as you can.

You never know
how much time you have.

When was the last time
you had a meal

with all five of you
at the dinner table?

Oh, I know.
I feel bad about that.

It's been a while.

I think it's accurate to say
that I've been

putting Tirdy Works
ahead of my kids.

I've been spending more time
with the business than
I have the kids.

You know, you almost missed
your kid's career day

because you was wasting time
on these exotic turds.

All right. All right,
well, I'll focus.

I'll take a step back,
focus on the poo-poo clocks.

I can see how working
with exotic turds

is like going down
a dead-end path,

but you got to try
new things, you know?

You got to conduct
exploratories,

and if it doesn't work,
then fine,

but at least you did it
and you tried it.

No, you ain't branding me.
I'm not an X.

You want to
burn this X on?

Bend over.
I'll brand your ass.

[ Laughs ]

And if it comes out
looking like [bleep]

it's because
it's a [bleep] clock.