Original subtitles

♪♪

Mary: The concept for Tirdy Works is simple --

I find turds, I make crap, and people buy it.

I would like to see some of your turds, if you don't mind.

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle -- otherwise known as

a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

After that video of me went viral, orders came rushing in.

Everybody's starting to talk about it.

That was another alpaca clock. I just sold all of them.

Not too shabby for a crackerjack team and a dream.

[ Moose grunts ]

The first exotic turd line we put out, and it had gone.

Maybe we should expand.

Mary: The plan is to make more products,

and then we'll test them out online.

If we get a good response, we're going to go with it.

Katie: It is definitely not every girl's dream

to be known as the moose turd lady's daughter.

You know what? That is it.

You guys don't appreciate good ideas.

I think you've smoked your lunch.

♪♪

Here I am at age 59, and I think it's pretty accurate to say

that turds are kind of like an extension of myself,

you know, because I can't stop talking about it.

I can't stop thinking about it.

You know, after doing something like this for 15 years,

it's kind of -- it's just right off the cuff,

and it just drives me nuts because I can't stop.

[ Dog barks ]

[ Bird screeches ]

♪♪

[ Chicken clucks ]

Stupid flies. God, they piss me off.

[ Fly buzzing ]

Oh. Oh [bleep]

She's got no couth when it comes to hitting --

[Bleep] went flying everywhere.

You know, I think we'll be all right.

Well, I'll start working on those.

Hey, Mom. Hey, kid.

How was your day? Good.

Yeah? Did you learn a lot? Yeah.

We had to see how water --

like, the fastest way to make water boil.

What's the fastest way to make water boil?

Well, you had to use one of those, like,

flamy tank things.

Yeah? Yeah.

And salt and a lid.

Guess what? What?

Mom heard from the headmaster today.

Now, what have you been up to? Nothing.

Why would we have heard from the headmaster?

I don't know! I haven't -- I haven't done anything wrong.

You have a thing coming up at your school.

I think it's called Career Day.

And the headmaster has called me and asked me to speak.

He wants me to come in and talk about turds

and how to start a new business, and --

It's a no. Yeah.

My relationship with Katie's a little bit delicate,

you know, and I know she's very sensitive.

She's at that age, and I'm going to be talking about crap.

Her mom sells crap.

So what I'm going to do is,

I'm going to come in to your classroom,

and I'm going to bring all the turds in with me.Nope.

I'm going to review them with all the students.Nope.

Mary embarrasses me all the time.

Like, what if this hot guy just comes up to me

and he's like, "Oh, you're the poop lady's daughter."

Please don't. This is my first year of high school.

I know, but I think this is a great way for you

to get involved in the business.You know, I will be picked on.

This is our business, and this is what -- Your business, not mine.

I think that Katie hasn't found her groove in Tirdy Works

because her goal is to get as far away from us as possible,

you know, so working with us, I think,

right now is not happening for her.

Mary: It's going to be fun.

Yeah, but there's going to be a lot of seniors in there.

♪♪

I don't see some turds, Mary.

Someone said they saw a buck up here the other day and a couple does.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not moose turds, but I'll take it.

Yeah. We can always use deer turds, too.

Crap's crap.That's right.

I mean, we sold a ton of crap at New Hampshire.

I know -- huge!That show was incredible.

And, I mean, the -- the alpaca turds,

I mean, I can't believe how well they sold.

People were just -- The looks on their faces like,

"Oh, my God! Alpacas? Seriously?"

And they bought them.

I think that maybe we should, you know,

kind of expand, do some more exotic stuff.

The plan is to make more products,

and then we'll test them out online,

see what the response is.

If we get a good response, we're going to go with it.

We're going to crank them turds out.

I got a place where I can get a bunch of turds --

exotic turds, not just moose turds.

Yeah? What kind of critters?

There's raccoons, porcupines, possibly mountain lion.

They're meat-eaters.

Deb: It'd be wonderful if Mary had an idea

that actually stuck, you know?

I mean, it'd be nice

if she had an idea that didn't involve poop.

I wish we could get some wombat turds because they're square.

We got to go to Australia for that one.

Oh, I know. That'd be a long day.

You know what? Why don't you give me every freaking turd you can get me?

Get everything.

I mean, if you want exotic turds, I'm the guy.

You ain't right.

You sure?

I know you ain't right.

You're the turd getter.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

Courtney went up north with us one weekend.

And I probably shouldn't say this

'cause his wife doesn't know.

He came up to the cabin,

and we got him drunk as [bleep]

And so, he had to spend the night.

♪♪

And Courtney was -- You know, he's deaf,

and I was afraid that he wasn't gonna be able to hear the alarm.

That isn't even one of them.

Cheating!

And we have doors in between our room,

so I opened the door to make sure he was awake.

♪♪

And he was standing there in his undies.

And I was like [gasps] like that.

And he's like, "What," like that, like...

But I didn't see his parts.

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

Shortly after Mary moved in, she --

we got a phone call on there that there was a fire at her house.

It was in the cellar, so we got over there

and went in to investigate, and as we went downstairs,

we noticed there was open barrels of gunpowder

[laughing] down there where the fire had started.

Luckily, we knocked it out with a fire extinguisher

on there, so we saved the home.

♪♪

Nope. Nope. That's not it.

Do they sell, like, food food in there?

In here? Yeah.

Yeah.What kind of food do they have?

Good food.

Like hot and ready-to-eat food?

Dude, this is my uncle's shop.

Us Peaslees was one of the first founding families

in the town of Somerville.

I mean, you can't throw a stick

without hitting a Peaslee around here.

I'm going to hop out, and if we need to drive away

as fast as we can, you better be in this driver seat

because I'm coming through the back window.

I think that's him right there.Dude, yeah. That is him.

Getting turds,

especially exotic turds on top of it,

that's -- that's hard to do.

I mean, there's always risks

meeting strange people in parking lots,

but whatever it takes to get them turds.

You got to do what you got to do.

You must be Ken. I am.

Nice to meet you, Dale.Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. How you doing?You got the turds, do you?

We have some nice exotic examples right in here.

Now, what are we talking about for exotic examples?

Well, let's take a look here and see.

They're fresh as you're going to be able to find anywhere.

[ Sniffs ] Whew! Wow! Huh?

That's what I'm talking about. Boy!

You came to the right place.

I can see that.

So... Man.

What do you think?

What are we looking at for these?

Well, I don't know. What do you think they're worth?

Well, I tell you,

I'll fill this truck up with gas

for both boxes of turds.

A handshake's a handshake, right? Damn right.

That's all it's going to take. Thank you.

You got a deal.Thank you very much, man.

Big D always comes through.

You call yourself Big D?

Yes, Colby. I call myself Big D.

Don't...I like the name,

just not, like, the D part in it, but...

♪♪

You -- You got any ideas?

[ Chicken clucking ]

On the clock.[ Laughter ]

A watch, put it on the watch.

So I got this career day coming up at the school.

So have you got that figured out?

No, and I was kind of thinking

maybe I could run it by you guys, we could maybe...

So, you know, Katie is going to be there.

Yeah. I know. I mean...

It is definitely not every girl's dream

to be known as the moose turd lady's daughter.

I have to use a little bit of etiquette, okay?

[ Laughs ]Are you listening to me?

Are you listening? He's not listening to me.

He's not listening to you.

Tell me if you think it's not right for the kids.

Yeah. No.

All right. So this...

No.

Why? What's wrong with them?

Because they're teenagers. No, no, no, no, no.

That's not cool.

Those are inedible underbritches. No.

Oh, for God sakes, you guys are strict.

What about a [buzzer] kebab?

Just call it a shish kebab.

Only with a T.

You can tell them that. Only with a T.

Can I say that? Sure.

You know, as far as censorship goes,

I understand it, but I don't care for it too much

because it kind of -- it inhibits me a little bit.

I want to just let it all hang out.

I usually call it a [bleep] kicker,

but I can call that a crap kicker.

Are you just going to wing it? What is this teaching them?

That you can make cash out of crap.

I mean, literally, we make cash out of crap.Cash out of crap.

[ Scoffs ]

If I do go in there and make an ass of myself,

I mean, that could be kind of detrimental

to Katie and my's relationship,

so I'm going to do my best to behave myself, you know,

because I do like to joke around.

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

Got you some turds, some exotic turds.

There's bobcat turds.

Oh, my God. Are you freaking kidding me?

Oh, my God!

Dale's rolling up his sleeves and digging in,

and the more I throw at him, the more he's taking it in,

and he's -- he's -- he's doing it.

Look at them, how beautiful those are!

How do you know they're bobcat turds?

Oh, because it says "bobcat." Yes.

He's been attacking them turds with a vengeance.

Look, there's cougar turds.Cougar turds?

I think these ones are rabbit. Oh, my God!

They're beautiful!

How'd you get this? Oh, Dale!

I got my ways, Mary. Look.

What's this?This is some bear crap.

Ohh!

Seriously, I mean, those are beautiful.

Think of the things you could do with a frigging turd like that.I know.

It's heavy. It's got some weight to it.Yeah. It weighs like 5 pounds.

Wow! All right.

We got some porcupine turds, too.

Oh, my God. Seri-- Stop sniffing my turds!

[ Laughs ] Those are porcupine turds? Yeah.

Those are the hairiest turds I've ever seen.

I bet you could knit at least a pair of socks out of them.

[ Laughs ] Porcupine-turd socks.

I'm so excited!

Ohh! Ugh!

Did you sniff?

[ Chuckling ] Oh, my God. That ain't right.

I can smell it way up here!I'm going to put a mask on

when I got to deal with that coyote turd.

I'd put more than just a mask on.

I'd layer myself up with more than just a mask.

Ohh! [Bleep] That's awful.

How's Tammi going to touch these?

I don't think Tammi will be able to touch them. Ugh!

I'm going to need a morphine drip and a sponge bath

time this is done. Deb!

Where's Deb at?

[ Dog barks ]

Mary: Live from Somerville, this is "Talkin' Tirds,"

the show that cuts the crap.

I'm gonna ask the questions you're too afraid to ask.

Michael: Oh.

[ Laughs ]

I'm Mary Winchenbach, and tonight's guest

is Michael McQuarrie.

He is the headmaster of Erskine Academy,

where all the smart kids, including my daughter Katie

and Dale, go to school.

So I got a couple questions for you, Mike. Sure.

You know, in your school that you work at,

I'm assuming you're dealing with a ton of crap?

Is that true?

I don't know if it's any more

than any other profession or any other workplace.

But it's nothing that we can't handle or manage.

Headmaster is a big title. Yeah.

Would you agree that education is overrated?

I would not agree with that.

No? No! No.

I mean, knowledge is a commodity.

I wouldn't agree with the premise of your question.

'Cause I never went to college. Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

[ Papers rustle ]

That's all the time we have

on this edition of "Talkin' Tirds."

I'm Mary Winchenbach reminding all of you out there in America

to stand up, be nice to one another,

and, most importantly, to give a crap.

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

I mean, wouldn't it be unique to have elephant poop?

♪♪

Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

I got something for you.

I bet you did. Oh, my God, Tammi, really.

Pay attention.

Well, you know the exotic turds

I've been talking about, trying to get exotic turds?Yep.

Well, I got a whole bunch!

These are bear turds.

That's disgusting.

Fox turds, look.

Those would make cute little earrings.

Do you want to sniff that one?No, I don't want to sniff no [buzzer]

Nobody's doing this! We'd be the first to --

That's because you're out of your mind!

I got gloves for you!

I think Deb's whole ultimatum thing is throwing Mary off

because she's going in all different directions

trying to make this business a success

instead of focusing on family.

Gross! [ Coughs ]

[ Gags ] Close that up. That's nasty.

Well, how are we going to expand the business

if you don't want to do some exotic turds?

I'll stick to these and the goat and alpaca.

The rest of it you can do.

What's going on? What smells like [bleep]?

Look! All the [bleep] Mary brought in the house.

Look at them great big bear turds we got.

That's where I eat my omelets.

You know what? That is it.

You guys don't appreciate good ideas.

I think you've smoked your lunch.

What is wrong with you?What the hell?

Get that crap the hell out of here.

♪♪

Okay, everybody, so, for career day today,

we are fortunate to have a couple of speakers that are in.

This is Mr. Barton, Dave Barton.

He's going to share with you

the things that he does in the community, all right?

Great. Thank you, Dave.

Thank you, Mr. McQuarrie.Sure.

Good morning, students.

Yeah, today's topic is going to be wood turning,

and you can take --Ah, great. You guys made it.

Hey. How you doing?Hi, Deb. Good to see you. Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.Hi. Courtney, how are you?

Courtney. Sorry about that.Good to see you.

Great. You got your stuff. Please, come on in.

Yeah. Thank you.Come on in.

We'll come right in through here.

How's that?

Great. Good. Thanks.

I think we're probably good right there.

Where's Mary?

You haven't seen her?

I have not seen Mary.

Oh, boy. I haven't talked to her, either.

Have you seen Mary?

You're going to be able to do the presentation?

I -- Maybe. Maybe I can squeak it out.Okay. Okay.

All right. All right. Well, we'll see.

I appreciate you being here.She's our social butterfly.

I hear you. Yeah, I was expecting to see Mary,

but I didn't hear anything.She'll be here. She'll be here.

Oh, she'll be -- Okay.She's supposed to be here. She'll be here.

A lot of these bowls are functional.

You can put these on your kitchen table.

You can put things in them --

nuts, salad, things of that nature.

That's all I have.I don't want to do this.

Oh, well...

[ Chuckles ] I'm not a public speaker.

Have you guys actually heard of our product?

No?

Our product's made with moose poop.

But, um, you know...

Uh, I don't know. I think you'll find it fun.

Ellese: Before the whole career day thing,

she was telling me how embarrassed she was

that her mom was coming to the school

and all the hot guys weren't going to like her anymore

because her mom played with poop.

Right this way. Right through. Yep.

Hey. Excuse me, everyone.

Deb: Oh, thank God.Let me interrupt you.

We also have a speaker here, Mary,

and she's here to participate in the presentation

here this morning.Hey, guys.

Hey, great. All right, Mary. Enjoy.Thank you.

Mary: If I can help make Katie more popular with these turds,

that's going to be epic.

I'll talk about my turds as I'm taking them out of the totes

and stuff like that.

I do have a few turds to kind of review with you and stuff.

All right. But, anyway, what this is, this is a pencil.

It's a No. 2 pencil, and it's got a turd on the eraser.

And then, this is a turd on the end of a piece of wood.

We call that the crappy end of the stick.

Once in a while, you'll have to go to the doctor's,

and they'll ask you to bring a turd in, you know,

to analyze it, which is embarrassing,

so what we have here is, we've got stool samples.

"Stool samples."See them?

These are dingleberries with hairy balls.

And you hate to talk about this,

but my kids kind of inspired me on this one.

These are skid marks.

And you guys...

Ooh, you have a necklace. Look.

We've got necklaces with turds, see,

so you could have your turd dangling, and some of them are adjustable.

You could have it like a choker collar,

so those are pretty fashionable.

However, you don't want to wear it swimming or in the shower

'cause your turds are going to get juicy.

That's what that is. But now, these make great gifts

because everyone has got someone in their life

they could give some crap to. I don't care who you are.

I mean, whether it's your neighbor, your teacher,

your bosses, you know, your parents, whatever.

Does anybody have any questions?

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

♪♪

Tammi is overboard with neatness.

Monday I change beds and do laundry and wash floors.

She's a neat freak.

Tuesday I clean bathrooms

and wax showers and vacuum.

I vacuum every day.

Tammi will follow right behind you

with the vacuum.

Thursday I vacuum.

Pick lint off you and...

Same with Friday.My, look,

the mess you made there.

What?It's all [buzzer] water.

So?See, now that rug --

What have you done to that?

It was in the cupboard.

Sunday, that's usually my day of rest. I drink beer.

Till she passes out, and then

I come down and make a mess. [ Laughs ]

Oh, if I'd have known I needed the [bleep] rug out, I'd have got it out and flattened it.

Hey, while you're down there...

[Bleep] you. [Bleep]

I don't give a [bleep] who likes it. It's a free world, ain't it?

I'm just gonna take the whole package as it is now.

For better or worse or whatever. [ Chuckles ]

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

Mary: Does anybody have any questions?

♪♪

Yes.

How long do you spend looking for poop, moose poop?

Boy, we will go out, and we'll spend --

When we get to going, we'll be 3 to 4 hours out in the woods.

What's your favorite type of poop?

Moose turds, it really is.

I mean, like I said, we're branching out

into goat turds and alpaca turds,

and we even have cow turds, but I think moose is the best.

Any other questions? You? You, sir?

Where do you get your inspiration from?

My inspiration is -- I think --

What inspires me to do this is that

people get so much enjoyment out of it,

and I've had numerous, numerous, numerous people

tell me I've made their day, I make people smile.

People just crack up because everyone can relate to it.

I guess that's inspiring, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

What you said, yes.

Deb: The fact that Mary could concentrate

and clean up her act for the kids, you know, that says a lot.

It's really hard to take your typical routine

that puts [ding] bomb in there quite a few times

and clean it up and make it kid-friendly.

I want you to know it's really important

that you guys all believe in your shit.

I mean "crap."

[ Laughter ]

Nice.

Ellese: I asked Katie how it went.

She said it didn't go as bad as she thought it would,

but she still wanted to go cry herself to sleep upstairs.

It was so bad.

Well, that was different.

Nice round of applause, everyone, please.

Mary: Thank you.

I'm proud of myself for that presentation.

I think if I got anything across to the kids,

I think it's the importance of

making a living doing what you love.

♪♪

If I do it at 3:00, 6:00, and 9:00, you know,

and put the numbers in between...

Tammi: They don't even look good like the moose clocks.

We could do bunny dungs, too, because I got bunny turds right there.

Mary, they don't look attractive.

Why not do one clock with, like, the Noah's Ark of turds?

I enjoy working with Tirdy Works.

It's meant a lot to me.Yeah, I know.

I mean, I enjoy you doing it. We talk and have fun.

But I'm afraid if you go down this path,

you're going to blow it for everyone.

As your friend, listen to me.

You need to focus on what you started, not bull[buzzer]

How many goat and alpaca clocks have you sold?

We did that New Hampshire show.

The alpaca clocks did great down there.

But since then?No, but I haven't really gotten them on --

They've just gotten on the website I think this past week,

so... Why did you start Tirdy Works?

Well, because I like to make people laugh,

and I enjoy collecting turds, and I --

Did you start it to be able to support your family?

Yeah.

Then you need to focus on what's important.

As your friend and as a mom,

who needs you most right now is your family.

Tammi: I'd say I done all right raising my daughters

because they're not [buzzer]-offs.

They all work. They're all responsible.

They take care of their kids.

But every kid is different.

As a mom who's lost a child,

I think it's important to have a good relationship

with your child for as long as you can.

You never know how much time you have.

When was the last time you had a meal

with all five of you at the dinner table?

Oh, I know. I feel bad about that.

It's been a while.

I think it's accurate to say that I've been

putting Tirdy Works ahead of my kids.

I've been spending more time with the business than I have the kids.

You know, you almost missed your kid's career day

because you was wasting time on these exotic turds.

All right. All right, well, I'll focus.

I'll take a step back, focus on the poo-poo clocks.

I can see how working with exotic turds

is like going down a dead-end path,

but you got to try new things, you know?

You got to conduct exploratories,

and if it doesn't work, then fine,

but at least you did it and you tried it.

No, you ain't branding me. I'm not an X.

You want to burn this X on?

Bend over. I'll brand your ass.

[ Laughs ]

And if it comes out looking like [bleep]

it's because it's a [bleep] clock.