All language subtitles for Tirdy Works s01e02_English

Mary: I was walking through
the woods one day,

and I saw a pile of shit.

I got to thinking,
"Wouldn't it be funny

to put eyeballs on them?"

And then, since then, it's grown
into, like, you know,

50, 60 different products.

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle,
otherwise known

as a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

My parents play with poop.

How's the turd counting
go?

9,000 right there.

Close to $50,000 worth
of turds in there.

How many clocks
do you have?

-10.
-That's it?

You going to end up
pissing us off.

We got this big New Hampshire
show coming up.

I'm a little bit nervous.

Mary: It's the major leagues
of craft shows

in this part
of the country.

It's my chance for people to see
what I do

and hopefully
make a solid profit.

How much
have you sold?

-Not a lot.
-Really?

A little bit nervous
about it.

I'm just sick
of always being broke.

Look at it.

It's huge.

And to --
It must weigh like 3 pounds.

I just can't imagine
[bleep] it out.

[ Cow moos ]

♪♪

At the town meeting,
I was looking to find

some turd getters,
but, as it turns out,

I didn't have to look
any further

than right across the street.

You know, you're going to be
doing this stuff,

and I know that you have
a need for a yoke.Mm-hmm.

This yoke probably
won't fit completely.

What are you looking for
for a yoke cost?

They're like
350 to 450 bucks.

You've had them priced out
and all that?
Yeah.

So if we get you out on some
of these expeditions with us,

and maybe I can give you,
you know,

maybe 500 bucks
or something like that.

Does that work?
-Yeah.

I've known Mary since, like,

I was like 6,
so about 10 years now.

Me and Mary's relationship's
great.

Like, she's a friend.

She's an aunt.

She could be my mom.

Dale is my neighbor,
and he's 16 years old.

He's a strong, big boy.
He's willing to work.

He's like a jack-of-all-trades.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Elisha: Dale makes me proud
every day.

He is a good kid, big heart,
will help anyone,

and then, with his cows,
they really reflect him.

This one has more of
a cuddly personality.

Going to be honest.
Whoa.

I cut the nuts off of them

probably when they was like
4 or 5 months old.

We actually crimped them.[ Cow moos ]

He's all excited about working
and doing turds and stuff,

you know, and I don't know
of many more guys

that could really
deserve a break.

You know, I mean,
he has a lot of needs

and stuff
with his critters and stuff,

and I'd like to get him
fixed up.

I'm going to take this job
as seriously as I can.

I know you are.

You're gung ho, and, I mean,
anytime you --

I'll be here.

Thank you, Dale.

This is the biggest opportunity
I've ever had,

and I'm hoping I can take it
and run with it.

[ Engine revs ]

♪♪

Well, let's head off the trail
a little bit,

cut down
to the back side of the swamp.

It's kind of like when you got
a body in the woods.

You know, you've got
everybody looking for turds.

You've got everybody
looking for that body.

It's all the same, basically.

You're just looking for turds
at that point.

Well, we got this big
New Hampshire

show coming up,
and I'm nervous.

I want to be able to bring in
as many customers as I can.

I want to draw them
to the booth.

I want to make
a huge splash.

I want people
to notice us.

In a couple weeks in New
Hampshire at The Hampshire Dome,

they're having
"The Great New England

Fall Crafts
and Artisans Show,"

which is a mouthful to say,

but it's the major leagues
of craft shows

in this part
of the country.

I mean, there's over 200 vendors

and thousands
of potential customers.

It's my chance for people
to see what I do

and hopefully make
a solid profit.

I want to make a good
impression.

What if I got a moose?

-Oh, my God.
-No, no, no, no, no.

-No, Dale.
-I'm only joking.

I'm only joking.
-No, I'm not joking.

Can you imagine
how many people

would come to see the moose
and the turds?

It's like, "Oh, my God."
I love it.

I love it, Dale.

But how am I going
to get a moose?

Where?

Well, I guess you're going
to have to figure that out.I'm going to try.

I mean, seriously, the feedback
we would get on that,

oh, my aching ass.

I can only imagine,
but no promises.

Otherwise, you're going to be
in a moose costume.No.

Oh, yeah.
That's it.

I'm going to hold you
to it.

I want a moose at the show.
-Come on.

Either that, or you're going
to be in the suit

with a dingleberry
hanging off your ass.

That's it.

[ Clock ticking ]

♪♪

Mary:
I got this big show coming up,

and I want to launch this
exotic line of alpaca turds.

Donna used to work
at Hussey's, and I know her,

so already we have,
like, a connection, right?

-They're fingerless gloves.
-These are beautiful.

-Aren't they softer than wool?
-Yeah, they are.

I'm thinking, you know,
if she would give me

some of them alpaca turds,

I could make her a poo-poo clock
with her own turds.

I think that might excite her.

She could get the first one
ever built in history,

and that would be
quite an honor.

Watch their heads.

[ Treats rattling ]

[ Laughs ]

This is Ms. Mary.

I would like to see some of your
turds, if you don't mind.

-He's like, "What?"
-See?

How many turds you think we
might be able to get out here?

Oh, they poop a lot.

-They do?
-They do.

I'm out here like three
or four times a day.

Oh, look,
there's one doing it now.

Look at that.
-Oh, look at it.

Lookit, they all go running.
Whoo-hoo.

I think I'm going to make
an alpaca poo-poo clock.

I can do an alpaca [ding]

Maybe I could do
some picture frames

with your favorite [buzzer]

and have alpaca turds
all the way around it.

Oh, my God.

Look at these.

-Nice.
-Oh, my God.

Those -- uh-oh.
-Ew.

That's what you call
sticky [clink]

It's very sticky [ding]

Mary:
Well, the baby alpaca turds
look like little, teeny, mini,

like, them little
chocolate kisses

because they squeeze
right out of the butt,

you know, [pops]
like one of those little things.

Oh, I shouldn't have done that.
Oh, no.

I stuck my finger in my mouth.

It had shit on it.[ Laughs ]

Oh, what the hell is up
with that?

This is great.
Thank you so much.

You're more than welcome.

Oh, I'm going to get
those dehydrating.

[ Laughs ]

Today, I got a huge haul.

It's, like, almost a half
a bucketful of alpaca turds.

I'm so excited, you know?

Hey,
you got some good crap.

Well, thank you.

[ Cow moos ]

Mary: Live from Somerville,
this is "Talkin' Tirds,"

the show that cuts the crap
and asks the questions

you're too afraid to ask.

My guest tonight is Gina Collins
from Sonny's Rock Shop,

and she's been kind enough
to join us here today.

So I have a couple
questions for you.

Sure.

First, I looked
at your website,

and I see it's called
a mystery shop.

What's the mystery
about rocks?

[ Fly buzzing ]What's the mystery?

Well, you never know
where they came from.

It's a mystery.

Alright.

[ Clears throat ]

You brought a stool sample
with you here today.

I did.

Why don't you tell me
a little bit about it?

It's dinosaur poop.

How do you know that
that's a dinosaur turd?

The experts told me
it was.

[ Buzzing continues ]This is just a piece
of one.

No, they can be big,
like this.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

Can you imagine
all the product

you could make out
of a dinosaur turd?

Right?[ Buzzing continues ]

Based on the shape
of the turd,

what kind of dinosaur
do you think it's from?

I always say I think
it's a meat-eater.

-And does it float?
-No.

So it must be
a meat-eater.

You know, high fiber turds
always float.

Right.
This has to be a meat-eater.

-Did you sniff it?
-I licked it.

Want to lick it?

[ Licks ]

That's all the time we have for
this edition of "Talkin' Tirds."

I'm Mary Winchenbach reminding
all of you out there in America

to stand up,
be nice to one another

and, most importantly,
to give a crap.

[ Cow moos ]

Mary has definitely kicked off
a great bowel movement here,

and I hope it really
gets everything moving in town.

[ Laughs ]

That lady is outstanding,
turd or not.

[ Clock ticking ]

Dale: Hey. How you doing?

Leif: Well, hello, young man.
Who are you?

-I'm actually Dale.
-Well, Dale, my name is Leif.

-Nice to meet you.
-Come on in. Come on in.

Have a seat.
-I'm looking to find a moose.

[ Chuckles ]

What in the world are you
looking for a moose for?

Moose season is over,
so what are you talking about?

-Well, my boss...
-Yeah.

owns a --
the Tirdy Works business,

and she's going to a big show,
and it's in New Hampshire.

-Alright.
-And I just made the suggestion,

you know, what if --
maybe --

wouldn't it be funny
if we got a moose

and brought it
to the big fall show?[ Laughs ]

Just as a joke,
but she took it literally,

and she told me,
if I didn't have a moose...Yeah?

...I had to wear
a moose costume.

So you're on a mission from God
right now,

aren't you, to get a moose?
-Yeah.

So you could have your buddies
calling you Bullwinkle,

then, if you put
a moose outfit on?

Yeah. Yeah.[ Laughs ]

Wouldn't that be fun?
Bullwinkle...

-No, not really.
-...and company.

How in the world will you
get a moose

from here
to New Hampshire?

Do you have
a moose trailer?

I guess I'd have to use
a horse trailer.

[ Chuckles ]

It's going to be a tall order,
kiddo, to go capture a moose,

but you look like
you'd look pretty good

in that moose outfit.

Bullwinkle.
[ Laughs ] Good deal.

[ Clock ticking ]

I need help.

T-shirts are a great way

to get the word out
at these craft shows,

so I put Katie in charge
of making the T-shirts.

She's brought Courtney
and his buddy Scott to help out.

So we're each going to do
three -- three ideas.

Moose?

Mary: I'm hoping Katie comes up
with something simple.

You know, I don't want
anything fluffy or fancy.

♪♪

But a picture of a unicorn
with a turd

coming out of its ass would be
interesting, don't you think?

We can't continue to do this.

We dish out hundreds
and hundreds of dollars,

you know, trying
to make our products

and making sure
we have enough

and then we dish out more to pay
for T-shirts at the show

[sighs] and then we end up
broke at the end.

Is that the sign for poop?

Okay.
"I brake for moose crap."

"#JustPooIt."

"Just dropping it."

"I play with poop."

I like that one, too.

This is a big test.

I'm going to spend
a small fortune

that I don't have
to prove to Deb

that there's a market
for my crap.

Okay.

[ Clock ticking ]

You wanted some alpaca clocks.
Here you go.

Does that mean you got
the alpaca crap?

Lookit.
Lookit.

Look how beautiful
they are.

They're fresh, too.

-That's a gold mine.
-I know.

And look at all the different
shapes and sizes we got.

I hate dealing with alpaca poop,

especially when it
hasn't been dipped yet.

It's sticky.

But look.

Would you be able to do them,
like,

a line of them coming out
of the alpaca's ass?

I'm sure I could.
How many you want in the line?

I don't know.
Maybe three or four,

just so people can see
where the turds come from.

Well, I think they know
where they come from.

Well, I know, but that kind of
makes it more realistic

'cause you can see them.
It's dramatic.

Yes, it is, very.

Something I would like
to avoid in the future,

if you don't mind --

Well, I might mind.

Well, it's something
that's not really a big deal,

but when you're trying
to tell time,

it helps if the numbers
are in order.

-See? See, you went four...
-That's unique.

-...seven, six, five.
-No. How do you know I did that?

That might've been you.I think that's your turd
right there.

That [bleep] is out of place.
-No, it's not.

That's a different-shaped turd
than that one...

It's unique....and then the numbers
are messed up.

Quality control is important,
even if you're dealing

with crap, you know,

and we got to make as many
alpaca poo-poo clocks as we can.

I could be guilty,
but you could be, too.

[ Muttering ]
Mm, don't think so.

Was you smoking weed
when you did it?

No.

[ Cow moos ]

So right off, I kind of felt
a male energy for you in spirit.

Who would be mentioning
the chip off the old block?

I feel like it's your father
saying that.

-Yes.
-Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

He was kind of a funny guy,
wasn't he?
Yeah.

That's where you got
your sense of humor?

-I think so.
-Yeah, yeah.

He's coming through as being
very talkative, very funny.

He says he's with Mom?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Mary: I was an only child.

My dad was always real,
really, really funny,

and I always admired
that about him,

and I could never seem
to keep up when I was a kid

because he was always
one step ahead of me,

but, you know,
now I think I could outdo him.

They said that you've overcome
an incredible amount of crap.

♪♪

[ Cow moos ]

[ Clock ticking ]

Dale:
Is this the clearance?

I think this is it
right here, Gus.

-There it is.
-Oh, my God.

[ Chuckles ] Dude,
you got to try that on.

Oh, dude, I don't want other
than try it on, but alright.

Dale: This big fall show
is a big deal for Mary,

and I am going to do anything
and everything I can to help

get this business up and going.

Hey, Dale.
How's it going in there, bud?

I don't know yet.

I'm still trying to figure
this damn thing out.

-[ Chuckles ]
-There's one leg.

-Are you in it yet?
-Oh, I'm in it.

She just ain't zipping.

Well, come on out.
Show me.

There's some antlers
coming out over the top.

Something sprouting.

-Hey, Gus.
-Hey, Dale.

I need some help.

I'm not helping you.

I don't want to come out.

-Geez. Come on out, Dale.
-No.

-Come on. Show me.
-No.

Come on.
[ Chuckling ] Come on.

-Dude, he's scared.
-I don't want to come out.

Come on out.

Screw it.

This is --
-[ Laughs ]

-Holy...
-I am not --

Someone go get my gun.
[ Laughs ]

I am not --
I am not wearing this.

I got to find a moose.
-Yeah.

Dude, never should I ever
said that to Mary.

That was the worst thing.
-Too late.

Now I kind of know what it feels
like to be a moose.

I mean, walking around,
180 degrees all day.

Balls a little sweaty.

Well, let's go and find
a moose, then.

Alright.
I'll be right back out.

I mean, this thing would make
a good ice-fishing hat.

You wouldn't get cold.
I wouldn't go hunting in it.

Might get shot.

[ Rooster crows ]

-Yeah.
-Where you been?

Mary: Well, we had to collect
the last of our turds,

but I think we're
ready to load up.

It's time to head down
to New Hampshire.

We've got the banner.
We've got the display.

We got a table.

Well, let's get this show
on the road.

I got all my turds together
and my crew.

I rented a van
so me and my team

can have a real
productive business meeting

on the way down
to New Hampshire.

That's right. Go spread
that [bleep] all over --

the turds all over
that state.

♪♪

Is it that big?

[ Laughter ]

And it shrinks
like that, too.

I'd rip that thing
all to hell.

You're so full
of [bleep]

Now let it go.

-Aah!
-[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.
I'm gong to pee myself.

Wet cleanup in aisle one.

We needed more beer

And some pot.

How much longer we going
to be on this bus?

-Too [bleep] long.
-[ Chuckles ]

What was supposed to be
like a three-hour drive

took like a week to 10 days
to get down there.

Christ, it was like driving
on the freaking Mayflower.

Tammi:
Put them condoms away.

So, here we have 175 booths
at this show.

Your space is right over here
in the corner.

Oh, wow.
Look at this.

This was a huge opportunity --
brand-new territory,

all these new people,
all new sets of eyes.

It's a risk, but I don't want
to get out of the crap business,

so it's worth it to me
to take a chance on this.

Let's do it, get it set up.
Rock 'n' roll.

She's so positive that we can
make money on this,

and I just...
[ Sighs ]

I don't know.

What's up with this?

Well, there's a moose
in that container.

-No.
-Yes.

Well, let's see it.

Let's see it.

-We got a taxidermy moose.
-[ Laughs ]

Where the hell do you
get a moose in a box?

I mean, seriously, to this,
right now,

I still don't know
how he did it.

-Is it a girl moose?
-No, it's a bull.

Well, where is his --
I don't see the parts.

Oh, right there.

That's not a freaking
moose dick.

You get a bull moose
with no dick.

-I can't help it.
-Oh, my God.

You got to let your freak flag
fly, and, in this case,

our freak flag was
a frigging dickless bull moose.

Frig yeah.

Mary: I just need to get
my crap lined up

in the order in which
I want to present it.

I'm going to need the T-shirts
hung up, too.

-That's what I'm working on.
-I'm getting nervous about that.

-Oh, hey.
-About time, guys.

-About time.
-Whoo-hoo.

Deb:
Is everything okay?

Did you get
everything okay?

-Yeah.
-I can't wait to see them.

Hey.
These are alright.

Oh, my God.

-I like it a lot.
-I love it, too.

You see that?

-I love it.
-Whoo-hoo!

Mary: Good job.

Finally, they showed up, and,
I mean, I absolutely loved them.

They did an awesome job
kind of bringing the theme

of the whole business
into those T-shirts,

#IGiveACrap.

Hey, guys,
we got people coming.

Seriously, I just want
to thank all of you.

I couldn't have done it
without you.

You guys have all made
this possible.

I mean, Dale,
you got the moose here,

and then you guys,
all your creativity.

I really appreciate it all,
for real.

Thank you so much.

And [bleep] is going to hit
the fan soon.

We got people who are
going to be coming in here.

I want to sell a crap load
of turd today.

♪♪

You look like
you are horrified.

People are kind of looking
and then backing away.

No one is coming up
to the table

because they don't know
what the hell is going on.

-I'll be back. I got to think.
-Alright.

Things are, you know,
a little bit slow right now,

so I'm really starting
to freak out.

I mean, Deb is here, and I got
to cover the cost of this show.

[ Cow moos ]

This is my very neglected
rock collection.

Some people collect
antique dolls or dolls,

you know,
those little frilly things.

Mary collects turds.

I collect rocks.

Yeah.

I'm very satisfied
with a rock for a gift.

I'm not big on flowers.

I'd just as soon the flower
was in the ground growing.

They're just iron balls.

These are kind of cool.

The Indians used to play
with these.

They had made-up games
and that sort of thing.

They're probably relaxing,
you know what I mean?

And I actually have
two pairs of iron balls.

I mean, that's pretty cool.

And I think they're basically
the same as these.

They're just bigger
and more pronounced, I guess.

[ High-pitched note plays ]

Now that looks like it
ought to work.

[ Low-pitched note plays ]

[ Cow moos ]

Katie:
How much have you sold?

-Not a lot.
-Really?

A little bit nervous
about it.

I think this is
a tough crowd.

I think
people are bewildered.

We rarely, if ever, make it
south of the Maine border.

We'll see.
I'm hoping.

I'm hoping that we'll make
a little bit of money.

[ Rooster crows ]

I'm just sick of always
being broke.

Some lady come by and turned
her nose up at my turds.

She looks at them like, "Ew."

What's that all about?

Guys,
what are you doing?

What are you doing,
just sitting here,

just twiddling
your thumbs?

We got a [bleep] show
to run.

We got the moose,
and the moose is great,

but it's not drawing as much
attention as I thought it would.

So I'm going to be sending
some people out, you know,

and working the crowd and stuff
and getting some interest.

I think things will go well.

Get that guy
right there.

How we doing back there,
Craig?

All in the back aisle back
there, if you're interested.

Hey, you guys should come over
and see the booth at 120.

-Sure is.
-Okay.

These are the poo-poo platters.
They're like serving trays.

It shows the turds coming out
of the moose's ass.[ Chuckles ]

Moose clocks,
way to the back.

You know, we got little
[ding] heads.

We got hunting turds.

Come see this moose
at booth 120.

You don't always see that
at a craft show, you know,

moose just
walking down the aisle.

Nobody does that.

But nobody sells [bleep]
either.

These are fecal people,

and dependent upon the shape
of the little turds,

we can do with the big boobs
and guts

and butts
and long legs and short legs

'cause no two turds
are ever alike.

Found this out in the yard,
and it had a hole in it,

so I stuck a turd in it.

We call it a [ding] hole.
-[ Laughs ]

Mary is hysterical
when she gives her spiel,

her crap spiel, and it's fun
to watch people's reactions.

[ Laughter ]

Deb:
Thank you. Enjoy.

Perfect.
Thank you much.

Mary: Got skid marks,

and that shows
how [clink] flows downhill.

Alright.
So that'll be $30 for you also.

They're stool samples.

Deb: That's the only one
you had.

Well, we ship [buzzer]
all over the world.

If they want one bad enough
we'll ship them some turds.

-Alright.
-Yep.

That's a number-two pencil.

And that's the [ding] end
of the stick right there.

[ Laughter ][ Cash register dings ]

That was another
alpaca clock...Really?

...and all of our
number-two pencils.

I just sold
all of them.

I made over $2,000
selling crap.

How cool is that,
right?

Not too shabby for
a crackerjack team and a dream.

I think the moose
was a good draw.

-Yeah.
-You done good.

It might sound crazy,

selling turds by a frigging
taxidermied moose,

but it all works in the end.

I mean, I guess
all shit can sell.

Katie, you did a good job
today.
Thank you.

Thank you for the work
on the T-shirts.

This craft show proves
that Mary has a product

that people are just wanting.

They like it.

But we have a long way to go

before it'll support
our family of five.

-Mwaaah! Mwaaah!
-[ Laughs ]

You know, anyone before
that thought my [bleep] stank,

they can think again.