Original subtitles

Mary: I was walking through the woods one day,

and I saw a pile of shit.

I got to thinking, "Wouldn't it be funny

to put eyeballs on them?"

And then, since then, it's grown into, like, you know,

50, 60 different products.

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle, otherwise known

as a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

My parents play with poop.

How's the turd counting go?

9,000 right there.

Close to $50,000 worth of turds in there.

How many clocks do you have?

-10. -That's it?

You going to end up pissing us off.

We got this big New Hampshire show coming up.

I'm a little bit nervous.

Mary: It's the major leagues of craft shows

in this part of the country.

It's my chance for people to see what I do

and hopefully make a solid profit.

How much have you sold?

-Not a lot. -Really?

A little bit nervous about it.

I'm just sick of always being broke.

Look at it.

It's huge.

And to -- It must weigh like 3 pounds.

I just can't imagine [bleep] it out.

[ Cow moos ]

♪♪

At the town meeting, I was looking to find

some turd getters, but, as it turns out,

I didn't have to look any further

than right across the street.

You know, you're going to be doing this stuff,

and I know that you have a need for a yoke.Mm-hmm.

This yoke probably won't fit completely.

What are you looking for for a yoke cost?

They're like 350 to 450 bucks.

You've had them priced out and all that? Yeah.

So if we get you out on some of these expeditions with us,

and maybe I can give you, you know,

maybe 500 bucks or something like that.

Does that work? -Yeah.

I've known Mary since, like,

I was like 6, so about 10 years now.

Me and Mary's relationship's great.

Like, she's a friend.

She's an aunt.

She could be my mom.

Dale is my neighbor, and he's 16 years old.

He's a strong, big boy. He's willing to work.

He's like a jack-of-all-trades.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Elisha: Dale makes me proud every day.

He is a good kid, big heart, will help anyone,

and then, with his cows, they really reflect him.

This one has more of a cuddly personality.

Going to be honest. Whoa.

I cut the nuts off of them

probably when they was like 4 or 5 months old.

We actually crimped them.[ Cow moos ]

He's all excited about working and doing turds and stuff,

you know, and I don't know of many more guys

that could really deserve a break.

You know, I mean, he has a lot of needs

and stuff with his critters and stuff,

and I'd like to get him fixed up.

I'm going to take this job as seriously as I can.

I know you are.

You're gung ho, and, I mean, anytime you --

I'll be here.

Thank you, Dale.

This is the biggest opportunity I've ever had,

and I'm hoping I can take it and run with it.

[ Engine revs ]

♪♪

Well, let's head off the trail a little bit,

cut down to the back side of the swamp.

It's kind of like when you got a body in the woods.

You know, you've got everybody looking for turds.

You've got everybody looking for that body.

It's all the same, basically.

You're just looking for turds at that point.

Well, we got this big New Hampshire

show coming up, and I'm nervous.

I want to be able to bring in as many customers as I can.

I want to draw them to the booth.

I want to make a huge splash.

I want people to notice us.

In a couple weeks in New Hampshire at The Hampshire Dome,

they're having "The Great New England

Fall Crafts and Artisans Show,"

which is a mouthful to say,

but it's the major leagues of craft shows

in this part of the country.

I mean, there's over 200 vendors

and thousands of potential customers.

It's my chance for people to see what I do

and hopefully make a solid profit.

I want to make a good impression.

What if I got a moose?

-Oh, my God. -No, no, no, no, no.

-No, Dale. -I'm only joking.

I'm only joking. -No, I'm not joking.

Can you imagine how many people

would come to see the moose and the turds?

It's like, "Oh, my God." I love it.

I love it, Dale.

But how am I going to get a moose?

Where?

Well, I guess you're going to have to figure that out.I'm going to try.

I mean, seriously, the feedback we would get on that,

oh, my aching ass.

I can only imagine, but no promises.

Otherwise, you're going to be in a moose costume.No.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

I'm going to hold you to it.

I want a moose at the show. -Come on.

Either that, or you're going to be in the suit

with a dingleberry hanging off your ass.

That's it.

[ Clock ticking ]

♪♪

Mary: I got this big show coming up,

and I want to launch this exotic line of alpaca turds.

Donna used to work at Hussey's, and I know her,

so already we have, like, a connection, right?

-They're fingerless gloves. -These are beautiful.

-Aren't they softer than wool? -Yeah, they are.

I'm thinking, you know, if she would give me

some of them alpaca turds,

I could make her a poo-poo clock with her own turds.

I think that might excite her.

She could get the first one ever built in history,

and that would be quite an honor.

Watch their heads.

[ Treats rattling ]

[ Laughs ]

This is Ms. Mary.

I would like to see some of your turds, if you don't mind.

-He's like, "What?" -See?

How many turds you think we might be able to get out here?

Oh, they poop a lot.

-They do? -They do.

I'm out here like three or four times a day.

Oh, look, there's one doing it now.

Look at that. -Oh, look at it.

Lookit, they all go running. Whoo-hoo.

I think I'm going to make an alpaca poo-poo clock.

I can do an alpaca [ding]

Maybe I could do some picture frames

with your favorite [buzzer]

and have alpaca turds all the way around it.

Oh, my God.

Look at these.

-Nice. -Oh, my God.

Those -- uh-oh. -Ew.

That's what you call sticky [clink]

It's very sticky [ding]

Mary: Well, the baby alpaca turds look like little, teeny, mini,

like, them little chocolate kisses

because they squeeze right out of the butt,

you know, [pops] like one of those little things.

Oh, I shouldn't have done that. Oh, no.

I stuck my finger in my mouth.

It had shit on it.[ Laughs ]

Oh, what the hell is up with that?

This is great. Thank you so much.

You're more than welcome.

Oh, I'm going to get those dehydrating.

[ Laughs ]

Today, I got a huge haul.

It's, like, almost a half a bucketful of alpaca turds.

I'm so excited, you know?

Hey, you got some good crap.

Well, thank you.

[ Cow moos ]

Mary: Live from Somerville, this is "Talkin' Tirds,"

the show that cuts the crap and asks the questions

you're too afraid to ask.

My guest tonight is Gina Collins from Sonny's Rock Shop,

and she's been kind enough to join us here today.

So I have a couple questions for you.

Sure.

First, I looked at your website,

and I see it's called a mystery shop.

What's the mystery about rocks?

[ Fly buzzing ]What's the mystery?

Well, you never know where they came from.

It's a mystery.

Alright.

[ Clears throat ]

You brought a stool sample with you here today.

I did.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about it?

It's dinosaur poop.

How do you know that that's a dinosaur turd?

The experts told me it was.

[ Buzzing continues ]This is just a piece of one.

No, they can be big, like this.

-Wow. -Yeah.

Can you imagine all the product

you could make out of a dinosaur turd?

Right?[ Buzzing continues ]

Based on the shape of the turd,

what kind of dinosaur do you think it's from?

I always say I think it's a meat-eater.

-And does it float? -No.

So it must be a meat-eater.

You know, high fiber turds always float.

Right. This has to be a meat-eater.

-Did you sniff it? -I licked it.

Want to lick it?

[ Licks ]

That's all the time we have for this edition of "Talkin' Tirds."

I'm Mary Winchenbach reminding all of you out there in America

to stand up, be nice to one another

and, most importantly, to give a crap.

[ Cow moos ]

Mary has definitely kicked off a great bowel movement here,

and I hope it really gets everything moving in town.

[ Laughs ]

That lady is outstanding, turd or not.

[ Clock ticking ]

Dale: Hey. How you doing?

Leif: Well, hello, young man. Who are you?

-I'm actually Dale. -Well, Dale, my name is Leif.

-Nice to meet you. -Come on in. Come on in.

Have a seat. -I'm looking to find a moose.

[ Chuckles ]

What in the world are you looking for a moose for?

Moose season is over, so what are you talking about?

-Well, my boss... -Yeah.

owns a -- the Tirdy Works business,

and she's going to a big show, and it's in New Hampshire.

-Alright. -And I just made the suggestion,

you know, what if -- maybe --

wouldn't it be funny if we got a moose

and brought it to the big fall show?[ Laughs ]

Just as a joke, but she took it literally,

and she told me, if I didn't have a moose...Yeah?

...I had to wear a moose costume.

So you're on a mission from God right now,

aren't you, to get a moose? -Yeah.

So you could have your buddies calling you Bullwinkle,

then, if you put a moose outfit on?

Yeah. Yeah.[ Laughs ]

Wouldn't that be fun? Bullwinkle...

-No, not really. -...and company.

How in the world will you get a moose

from here to New Hampshire?

Do you have a moose trailer?

I guess I'd have to use a horse trailer.

[ Chuckles ]

It's going to be a tall order, kiddo, to go capture a moose,

but you look like you'd look pretty good

in that moose outfit.

Bullwinkle. [ Laughs ] Good deal.

[ Clock ticking ]

I need help.

T-shirts are a great way

to get the word out at these craft shows,

so I put Katie in charge of making the T-shirts.

She's brought Courtney and his buddy Scott to help out.

So we're each going to do three -- three ideas.

Moose?

Mary: I'm hoping Katie comes up with something simple.

You know, I don't want anything fluffy or fancy.

♪♪

But a picture of a unicorn with a turd

coming out of its ass would be interesting, don't you think?

We can't continue to do this.

We dish out hundreds and hundreds of dollars,

you know, trying to make our products

and making sure we have enough

and then we dish out more to pay for T-shirts at the show

[sighs] and then we end up broke at the end.

Is that the sign for poop?

Okay. "I brake for moose crap."

"#JustPooIt."

"Just dropping it."

"I play with poop."

I like that one, too.

This is a big test.

I'm going to spend a small fortune

that I don't have to prove to Deb

that there's a market for my crap.

Okay.

[ Clock ticking ]

You wanted some alpaca clocks. Here you go.

Does that mean you got the alpaca crap?

Lookit. Lookit.

Look how beautiful they are.

They're fresh, too.

-That's a gold mine. -I know.

And look at all the different shapes and sizes we got.

I hate dealing with alpaca poop,

especially when it hasn't been dipped yet.

It's sticky.

But look.

Would you be able to do them, like,

a line of them coming out of the alpaca's ass?

I'm sure I could. How many you want in the line?

I don't know. Maybe three or four,

just so people can see where the turds come from.

Well, I think they know where they come from.

Well, I know, but that kind of makes it more realistic

'cause you can see them. It's dramatic.

Yes, it is, very.

Something I would like to avoid in the future,

if you don't mind --

Well, I might mind.

Well, it's something that's not really a big deal,

but when you're trying to tell time,

it helps if the numbers are in order.

-See? See, you went four... -That's unique.

-...seven, six, five. -No. How do you know I did that?

That might've been you.I think that's your turd right there.

That [bleep] is out of place. -No, it's not.

That's a different-shaped turd than that one...

It's unique....and then the numbers are messed up.

Quality control is important, even if you're dealing

with crap, you know,

and we got to make as many alpaca poo-poo clocks as we can.

I could be guilty, but you could be, too.

[ Muttering ] Mm, don't think so.

Was you smoking weed when you did it?

No.

[ Cow moos ]

So right off, I kind of felt a male energy for you in spirit.

Who would be mentioning the chip off the old block?

I feel like it's your father saying that.

-Yes. -Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

He was kind of a funny guy, wasn't he? Yeah.

That's where you got your sense of humor?

-I think so. -Yeah, yeah.

He's coming through as being very talkative, very funny.

He says he's with Mom?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Mary: I was an only child.

My dad was always real, really, really funny,

and I always admired that about him,

and I could never seem to keep up when I was a kid

because he was always one step ahead of me,

but, you know, now I think I could outdo him.

They said that you've overcome an incredible amount of crap.

♪♪

[ Cow moos ]

[ Clock ticking ]

Dale: Is this the clearance?

I think this is it right here, Gus.

-There it is. -Oh, my God.

[ Chuckles ] Dude, you got to try that on.

Oh, dude, I don't want other than try it on, but alright.

Dale: This big fall show is a big deal for Mary,

and I am going to do anything and everything I can to help

get this business up and going.

Hey, Dale. How's it going in there, bud?

I don't know yet.

I'm still trying to figure this damn thing out.

-[ Chuckles ] -There's one leg.

-Are you in it yet? -Oh, I'm in it.

She just ain't zipping.

Well, come on out. Show me.

There's some antlers coming out over the top.

Something sprouting.

-Hey, Gus. -Hey, Dale.

I need some help.

I'm not helping you.

I don't want to come out.

-Geez. Come on out, Dale. -No.

-Come on. Show me. -No.

Come on. [ Chuckling ] Come on.

-Dude, he's scared. -I don't want to come out.

Come on out.

Screw it.

This is -- -[ Laughs ]

-Holy... -I am not --

Someone go get my gun. [ Laughs ]

I am not -- I am not wearing this.

I got to find a moose. -Yeah.

Dude, never should I ever said that to Mary.

That was the worst thing. -Too late.

Now I kind of know what it feels like to be a moose.

I mean, walking around, 180 degrees all day.

Balls a little sweaty.

Well, let's go and find a moose, then.

Alright. I'll be right back out.

I mean, this thing would make a good ice-fishing hat.

You wouldn't get cold. I wouldn't go hunting in it.

Might get shot.

[ Rooster crows ]

-Yeah. -Where you been?

Mary: Well, we had to collect the last of our turds,

but I think we're ready to load up.

It's time to head down to New Hampshire.

We've got the banner. We've got the display.

We got a table.

Well, let's get this show on the road.

I got all my turds together and my crew.

I rented a van so me and my team

can have a real productive business meeting

on the way down to New Hampshire.

That's right. Go spread that [bleep] all over --

the turds all over that state.

♪♪

Is it that big?

[ Laughter ]

And it shrinks like that, too.

I'd rip that thing all to hell.

You're so full of [bleep]

Now let it go.

-Aah! -[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God. I'm gong to pee myself.

Wet cleanup in aisle one.

We needed more beer

And some pot.

How much longer we going to be on this bus?

-Too [bleep] long. -[ Chuckles ]

What was supposed to be like a three-hour drive

took like a week to 10 days to get down there.

Christ, it was like driving on the freaking Mayflower.

Tammi: Put them condoms away.

So, here we have 175 booths at this show.

Your space is right over here in the corner.

Oh, wow. Look at this.

This was a huge opportunity -- brand-new territory,

all these new people, all new sets of eyes.

It's a risk, but I don't want to get out of the crap business,

so it's worth it to me to take a chance on this.

Let's do it, get it set up. Rock 'n' roll.

She's so positive that we can make money on this,

and I just... [ Sighs ]

I don't know.

What's up with this?

Well, there's a moose in that container.

-No. -Yes.

Well, let's see it.

Let's see it.

-We got a taxidermy moose. -[ Laughs ]

Where the hell do you get a moose in a box?

I mean, seriously, to this, right now,

I still don't know how he did it.

-Is it a girl moose? -No, it's a bull.

Well, where is his -- I don't see the parts.

Oh, right there.

That's not a freaking moose dick.

You get a bull moose with no dick.

-I can't help it. -Oh, my God.

You got to let your freak flag fly, and, in this case,

our freak flag was a frigging dickless bull moose.

Frig yeah.

Mary: I just need to get my crap lined up

in the order in which I want to present it.

I'm going to need the T-shirts hung up, too.

-That's what I'm working on. -I'm getting nervous about that.

-Oh, hey. -About time, guys.

-About time. -Whoo-hoo.

Deb: Is everything okay?

Did you get everything okay?

-Yeah. -I can't wait to see them.

Hey. These are alright.

Oh, my God.

-I like it a lot. -I love it, too.

You see that?

-I love it. -Whoo-hoo!

Mary: Good job.

Finally, they showed up, and, I mean, I absolutely loved them.

They did an awesome job kind of bringing the theme

of the whole business into those T-shirts,

#IGiveACrap.

Hey, guys, we got people coming.

Seriously, I just want to thank all of you.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You guys have all made this possible.

I mean, Dale, you got the moose here,

and then you guys, all your creativity.

I really appreciate it all, for real.

Thank you so much.

And [bleep] is going to hit the fan soon.

We got people who are going to be coming in here.

I want to sell a crap load of turd today.

♪♪

You look like you are horrified.

People are kind of looking and then backing away.

No one is coming up to the table

because they don't know what the hell is going on.

-I'll be back. I got to think. -Alright.

Things are, you know, a little bit slow right now,

so I'm really starting to freak out.

I mean, Deb is here, and I got to cover the cost of this show.

[ Cow moos ]

This is my very neglected rock collection.

Some people collect antique dolls or dolls,

you know, those little frilly things.

Mary collects turds.

I collect rocks.

Yeah.

I'm very satisfied with a rock for a gift.

I'm not big on flowers.

I'd just as soon the flower was in the ground growing.

They're just iron balls.

These are kind of cool.

The Indians used to play with these.

They had made-up games and that sort of thing.

They're probably relaxing, you know what I mean?

And I actually have two pairs of iron balls.

I mean, that's pretty cool.

And I think they're basically the same as these.

They're just bigger and more pronounced, I guess.

[ High-pitched note plays ]

Now that looks like it ought to work.

[ Low-pitched note plays ]

[ Cow moos ]

Katie: How much have you sold?

-Not a lot. -Really?

A little bit nervous about it.

I think this is a tough crowd.

I think people are bewildered.

We rarely, if ever, make it south of the Maine border.

We'll see. I'm hoping.

I'm hoping that we'll make a little bit of money.

[ Rooster crows ]

I'm just sick of always being broke.

Some lady come by and turned her nose up at my turds.

She looks at them like, "Ew."

What's that all about?

Guys, what are you doing?

What are you doing, just sitting here,

just twiddling your thumbs?

We got a [bleep] show to run.

We got the moose, and the moose is great,

but it's not drawing as much attention as I thought it would.

So I'm going to be sending some people out, you know,

and working the crowd and stuff and getting some interest.

I think things will go well.

Get that guy right there.

How we doing back there, Craig?

All in the back aisle back there, if you're interested.

Hey, you guys should come over and see the booth at 120.

-Sure is. -Okay.

These are the poo-poo platters. They're like serving trays.

It shows the turds coming out of the moose's ass.[ Chuckles ]

Moose clocks, way to the back.

You know, we got little [ding] heads.

We got hunting turds.

Come see this moose at booth 120.

You don't always see that at a craft show, you know,

moose just walking down the aisle.

Nobody does that.

But nobody sells [bleep] either.

These are fecal people,

and dependent upon the shape of the little turds,

we can do with the big boobs and guts

and butts and long legs and short legs

'cause no two turds are ever alike.

Found this out in the yard, and it had a hole in it,

so I stuck a turd in it.

We call it a [ding] hole. -[ Laughs ]

Mary is hysterical when she gives her spiel,

her crap spiel, and it's fun to watch people's reactions.

[ Laughter ]

Deb: Thank you. Enjoy.

Perfect. Thank you much.

Mary: Got skid marks,

and that shows how [clink] flows downhill.

Alright. So that'll be $30 for you also.

They're stool samples.

Deb: That's the only one you had.

Well, we ship [buzzer] all over the world.

If they want one bad enough we'll ship them some turds.

-Alright. -Yep.

That's a number-two pencil.

And that's the [ding] end of the stick right there.

[ Laughter ][ Cash register dings ]

That was another alpaca clock...Really?

...and all of our number-two pencils.

I just sold all of them.

I made over $2,000 selling crap.

How cool is that, right?

Not too shabby for a crackerjack team and a dream.

I think the moose was a good draw.

-Yeah. -You done good.

It might sound crazy,

selling turds by a frigging taxidermied moose,

but it all works in the end.

I mean, I guess all shit can sell.

Katie, you did a good job today. Thank you.

Thank you for the work on the T-shirts.

This craft show proves that Mary has a product

that people are just wanting.

They like it.

But we have a long way to go

before it'll support our family of five.

-Mwaaah! Mwaaah! -[ Laughs ]

You know, anyone before that thought my [bleep] stank,

they can think again.